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Title: The Adventures of Roderick Random

Author: T. Smollett

Release date: May 1, 2003 [eBook #4085]

Most recently updated: August 5, 2021

Language: English

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES

OF RODERICK RANDOM ***

The Adventures of
Roderick Random
by Tobias Smollett

Contents

THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE

APOLOGUE
CHAPTER I.
CHAPTER II.
CHAPTER III.
CHAPTER IV.
CHAPTER V.
CHAPTER VI.
CHAPTER VII.
CHAPTER VIII.
CHAPTER IX.
CHAPTER X.
CHAPTER XI.
CHAPTER XII.
CHAPTER XIII.
CHAPTER XIV.
CHAPTER XV.
CHAPTER XVI.
CHAPTER XVII.
CHAPTER XVIII.
CHAPTER XIX.
CHAPTER XX.
CHAPTER XXI.
CHAPTER XXII.
CHAPTER XXIII.
CHAPTER XXIV.
CHAPTER XXV.
CHAPTER XXVI.
CHAPTER XXVII.
CHAPTER XXVIII.
CHAPTER XXIX.
CHAPTER XXX.
CHAPTER XXXI.
CHAPTER XXXII.
CHAPTER XXXIII.
CHAPTER XXXIV.
CHAPTER XXXV.
CHAPTER XXXVI.
CHAPTER XXXVII.
CHAPTER XXXVIII.
CHAPTER XXXIX.
CHAPTER XL.
CHAPTER XLI.
CHAPTER XLII.
CHAPTER XLIII.
CHAPTER XLIV.
CHAPTER XLV.
CHAPTER XLVI.
CHAPTER XLVII.
CHAPTER XLVIII.
CHAPTER XLIX.
CHAPTER L.
CHAPTER LI.
CHAPTER LII.
CHAPTER LIII.
CHAPTER LIV.
CHAPTER LV.
CHAPTER LVI.
CHAPTER LVII.
CHAPTER LVIII.
CHAPTER LIX.
CHAPTER LX.
CHAPTER LXI.
CHAPTER LXII.
CHAPTER LXIII.
CHAPTER LXIV.
CHAPTER LXV.
CHAPTER LXVI.
CHAPTER LXVII.
CHAPTER LXVIII.
CHAPTER LXIX.
 THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE
Of all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining and universally improving,
as that which is introduced, as it were occasionally, in the course of an
interesting story, which brings every incident home to life, and by representing
familiar scenes in an uncommon and amusing point of view, invests them with
all the graces of novelty, while nature is appealed to in every particular. The
reader gratifies his curiosity in pursuing the adventures of a person in whose
favour he is prepossessed; he espouses his cause, he sympathises with him in his
distress, his indignation is heated against the authors of his calamity: the humane
passions are inflamed; the contrast between dejected virtue and insulting vice
appears with greater aggravation, and every impression having a double force on
the imagination, the memory retains the circumstance, and the heart improves by
the example. The attention is not tired with a bare catalogue of characters, but
agreeably diverted with all the variety of invention; and the vicissitudes of life
appear in their peculiar circumstances, opening an ample field for wit and
humour.
Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity, and superstition. In
the dark ages of the World, when a man had rendered himself famous for
wisdom or valour, his family and adherents availed themselves of his superior
qualities, magnified his virtues, and represented his character and person as
sacred and supernatural. The vulgar easily swallowed the bait, implored his
protection, and yielded the tribute of homage and praise, even to adoration; his
exploits were handed down to posterity with a thousand exaggerations; they
were repeated as incitements to virtue; divine honours were paid, and altars
erected to his memory, for the encouragement of those who attempted to imitate
his example; and hence arose the heathen mythology, which is no other than a
collection of extravagant romances. As learning advanced, and genius received
cultivation, these stories were embellished with the graces of poetry, that they
might the better recommend themselves to the attention; they were sung in
public, at festivals, for the instruction and delight of the audience; and rehearsed
before battle, as incentives to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse
were born, and, in the progress of taste, arrived at perfection. It is no wonder that
the ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they had seen so many
remarkable events celebrated in verse by their best poets; we therefore find no
romance among them during the era of their excellence, unless the Cyropædia of
Xenophon may be so called; and it was not till arts and sciences began to revive
after the irruption of the barbarians into Europe, that anything of this kind
appeared. But when the minds of men were debauched by the imposition of
priestcraft to the most absurd pitch of credulity, the authors of romance arose,
and losing sight of probability, filled their performances with the most monstrous
hyperboles. If they could not equal the ancient poets in point of genius they were
resolved to excel them in fiction, and apply to the wonder, rather than the
judgment, of their readers. Accordingly, they brought necromancy to their aid,
and instead of supporting the character of their heroes by dignity of sentiment
and practice, distinguished them by their bodily strength, activity, and
extravagance of behaviour. Although nothing could be more ludicrous and
unnatural than the figures they drew, they did not want patrons and admirers; and
the world actually began to be infected with the spirit of knight-errantry, when
Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule, reformed the taste of mankind,
representing chivalry in the right point of view, and converting romance to
purposes far more useful and entertaining, by making it assume the sock, and
point out the follies of ordinary life.
The same method has been practised by other Spanish and French authors,
and by none more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, who, in his
Adventures of Gil Blas, has described the knavery and foibles of life, with
infinite humour and sagacity. The following sheets I have modelled on his plan,
taking me liberty, however, to differ from him in the execution, where I thought
his particular situations were uncommon, extravagant, or peculiar to the country
in which the scene is laid. The disgraces of Gil Blas are, for the most part, such
as rather excite mirth than compassion; he himself laughs at them; and his
transitions from distress to happiness, or at least ease, are so sudden, that neither
the reader has time to pity him, nor himself to be acquainted with affliction. This
conduct, in my opinion, not only deviates from probability, but prevents that
generous indignation, which ought to animate the reader against the sordid and
vicious disposition of the world. I have attempted to represent modest merit
struggling with every difficulty to which a friendless orphan is exposed, from his
own want of experience, as well as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base
indifference of mankind. To secure a favourable prepossession, I have allowed
him the advantages of birth and education, which in the series of his misfortunes
will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly in his behalf; and though I
foresee, that some people will be offended at the mean scenes in which he is
involved, I persuade myself that the judicious will not only perceive the
necessity of describing those situations to which he must of course be confined,
in his low estate, but also find entertainment in viewing those parts of life, where
the humours and passions are undisguised by affectation, ceremony, or
education; and the whimsical peculiarities of disposition appear as nature has
implanted them. But I believe I need not trouble myself in vindicating a practice
authorized by the best writers in this way, some of whom I have already named.
Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I have not deviated from
nature in the facts, which are all true in the main, although the circumstances are
altered and disguised, to avoid personal satire.
It now remains to give my reasons for making the chief personage of this
work a North Briton, which are chiefly these: I could, at a small expense, bestow
on him such education as I thought the dignity of his birth and character
required, which could not possibly be obtained in England, by such slender
means as the nature of my plan would afford. In the next place, I could represent
simplicity of manners in a remote part of the kingdom, with more propriety than
in any place near the capital; and lastly, the disposition of the Scots, addicted to
travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an adventurer from that country. That
the delicate reader may not be offended at the unmeaning oaths which proceed
from the mouths of some persons in these memoirs, I beg leave to promise, that I
imagined nothing could more effectually expose the absurdity of such miserable
expletives, than a natural and verbal representation of the discourse in which
they occur.
 APOLOGUE
A young painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a kind of
conversation piece, representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an ass; and to
render it more striking, humorous, and moral, distinguished every figure by
some emblem of human life. Bruin was exhibited in the garb and attitude of an
old, toothless, drunken soldier; the owl perched upon the handle of a coffee-pot,
with spectacle on nose, seemed to contemplate a newspaper; and the ass,
ornamented with a huge tie-wig (which, however, could not conceal his long
ears), sat for his picture to the monkey, who appeared with the implements of
painting. This whimsical group afforded some mirth, and met with general
approbation, until some mischievous wag hinted that the whole—was a lampoon
upon the friends of the performer; an insinuation which was no sooner circulated
than those very people who applauded it before began to be alarmed, and even to
fancy themselves signified by the several figures of the piece.
Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in the army with
reputation, being incensed at the supposed outrage, repaired to the lodging of the
painter, and finding him at home, “Hark ye, Mr. Monkey,” said he, “I have a
good mind to convince you, that though the bear has lost his teeth, he retains his
paws, and that he is not so drunk but he can perceive your impertinence.”
“Sblood! sir, that toothless jaw is a d—ned scandalous libel—but don’t you
imagine me so chopfallen as not to be able to chew the cud of resentment.” Here
he was interrupted by the arrival of a learned physician, who, advancing to the
culprit with fury in his aspect, exclaimed, “Suppose the augmentation of the
ass’s ears should prove the diminution of the baboon’s—nay, seek not to
prevaricate, for, by the beard of Aesculapius! there is not one hair in this periwig
that will not stand up in judgment to convict thee of personal abuse. Do but
observe, captain, how this pitiful little fellow has copied the very curls—the
colour, indeed, is different, but then the form and foretop are quite similar.”
While he thus remonstrated in a strain of vociferation, a venerable senator
entered, and waddling up to the delinquent, “Jackanapes!” cried he, “I will now
let thee see I can read something else than a newspaper, and that without the help
of spectacles: here is your own note of hand, sirrah, for money, which if I had
not advanced, you yourself would have resembled an owl, in not daring to show
your face by day, you ungrateful slanderous knave!”
In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no intention to give
offence, or to characterise particular persons: they affirmed the resemblance was
too palpable to be overlooked; they taxed him with insolence, malice, and
ingratitude; and their clamours being overheard by the public, the captain was a
bear, the doctor an ass, and the senator an owl, to his dying day.

Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord, remember this
example “while thou art employed in the perusal of the following sheets; and
seek not to appropriate to thyself that which equally belongs to five hundred
different people. If thou shouldst meet with a character that reflects thee in some
ungracious particular, keep thy own counsel; consider that one feature makes not
a face, and that though thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a bottle nose, twenty
of thy neighbours may be in the same predicament.”
THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM
 CHAPTER I
Of my Birth and Parentage

I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the house of my
grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who had on
many occasions signalised himself in behalf of his country; and was remarkable
for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with great success in the station of
a judge, particularly against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion.
My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a poor relation, who lived
with the old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, espoused her privately; and I
was the first fruit of that marriage. During her pregnancy, a dream discomposed
my mother so much that her husband, tired with her importunity, at last
consulted a highland seer, whose favourable interpretation he would have
secured beforehand by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed she
was delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to her great surprise, acted
the part of a midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket that it disappeared in an
instant; and she was for some time inconsolable for the lost of her offspring;
when, all on a sudden, she beheld it return with equal violence, and enter the
earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately sprang up a goodly tree covered
with blossoms, the scent of which operated so strongly on her nerves that she
awoke. The attentive sage, after some deliberation, assured my parents, that their
firstborn would be a great traveller; that he would undergo many dangers and
difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where he would flourish in
happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold will appear in the sequel.
It was not long before some officious person informed my grandfather of certain
familiarities that passed between his son and housekeeper which alarmed him so
much that, a few days after, he told my father it was high time for him to think of
settling; and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice
have no objections. My father, finding it would be impossible to conceal his
situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done; and excused himself for
not having asked the consent of his father, by saying, he knew it would have
been to no purpose; and that, had his inclination been known, my grandfather
might have taken such measures as would have effectually put the gratification
of it out of his power: he added, that no exceptions could be taken to his wife’s
virtue, birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune, it was beneath his care.
The old gentleman, who kept all his passions, except one, in excellent order,
heard him to an end with great temper, and then calmly asked, how he proposed
to maintain himself and spouse? He replied, he could be in no danger of wanting
while his father’s tenderness remained, which he and his wife should always
cultivate with the utmost veneration; and he was persuaded his allowance would
be suitable to the dignity and circumstances of his family, and to the provision
already made for his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled under his
protection. “Your brothers and sisters,” said my grandfather, “did not think it
beneath them to consult me in an affair of such importance as matrimony;
neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that piece of duty, had you not some
secret fund in reserve; to the comforts of which I leave you, with a desire that
you will this night seek out another habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in
a short time, I will send you an account of the expense I have been at in your
education, with a view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour—
you are a polite gentleman—a very pretty gentleman—I wish you a great deal of
joy, and am your very humble servant.”
So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However, he did
not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted with his father’s
disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of him;
and his resolves being as invariable as the laws of the Medes and Persians, he
knew it would be to no purpose to attempt him by prayers and entreaties; so
without any farther application, he betook himself, with his disconsolate
bedfellow to a farm-house, where an old servant of his mother dwelt: there they
remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to the elegance of their desires
and tenderness of their love; which nevertheless my father chose to endure,
rather than supplicate an unnatural and inflexible parent but my mother,
foreseeing the inconveniences to which she must have been exposed, had she
been delivered in this place (and her pregnancy was very far advanced), without
communicating her design to her husband, went in disguise to the house of my
grandfather, hoping that her tears and condition would move him to compassion,
and reconcile him to an event which was now irrecoverably past.
She found means to deceive the servants, and get introduced as an unfortunate
lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial grievances, it being my
grandfather’s particular province to decide in all cases of scandal. She was
accordingly admitted into his presence, where, discovering herself, she fell at his
feet, and in the most affecting manner implored his forgiveness; at the same time
representing the danger that threatened not only her life, but that of his own
grandchild, which was about to see the light. He told her he was sorry that the
indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to make a vow, which put it
out of his power to give them any assistance; that he had already imparted his
thoughts on that subject to her husband, and was surprised that they should
disturb his peace with any farther importunity. This said, he retired.
The violence of my mother’s affliction had such an effect on her constitution
that she was immediately seized with the pains of childbed; and had not an old
maidservant, to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity and assistance, at the
hazard of incurring my grandfather’s displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of
her womb must have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. By
the friendship of this poor woman she was carried up to a garret, and
immediately delivered of a man child, the story of whose unfortunate birth he
himself now relates. My father, being informed of what had happened, flew to
the embraces of his darling spouse, and while he loaded his offspring with
paternal embraces, could not forbear shedding a flood of tears on beholding the
dear partner of his heart (for whose ease he would have sacrificed the treasures
of the east) stretched upon a flock bed, in a miserable apartment, unable to
protect her from the inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be supposed that the
old gentleman was ignorant of what passed, though he affected to know nothing
of the matter, and pretended to be very much surprised, when one of his
grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased, who lived with him as his heir
apparent, acquainted him with the affair; he determined therefore to observe no
medium, but immediately (on the third day after her delivery) sent her a
peremptory order to be gone, and turned off the servant who had preserved her
life. This behaviour so exasperated my father that he had recourse to the most
dreadful imprecations; and on his bare knees implored that Heaven would
renounce him if ever he should forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire.
The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in such
circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged, together with her
grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a languishing disorder, which put
an end to her life. My father, who loved her tenderly, was so affected with her
death that he remained six weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the
people where he lodged carried the infant to the old man who relented so far, on
hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law’s death, and the deplorable
condition of his son, as to send the child to nurse, and he ordered my father to be
carried home to his house, where he soon recovered the use of his reason.
Whether this hardhearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment of his
son and daughter, or (which is more probable) was afraid his character would
suffer in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow for his conduct to my
father, whose delirium was succeeded by a profound melancholy and reserve. At
length he disappeared, and, notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could not be
heard of; a circumstance which confirmed most people in the opinion of his
having made away with himself in a fit of despair. How I understood the
particulars of my birth will appear in the course of these memoirs.
 CHAPTER II
I grow up—am hated by my Relations—sent to School—
neglected by my Grandfather—maltreated by my Master—
seasoned to Adversity—I form Cabals against the Pedant—am
debarred Access to my Grandfather—hunted by his Heir—I
demolish the Teeth of his Tutor

There were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being concerned in
my father’s fate, on the supposition that they would all share in the patrimony
destined for him; and this conjecture was strengthened by reflecting that in all
his calamities they never discovered the least inclination to serve him; but, on
the contrary, by all the artifices in their power, fed his resentment and supported
his resolution of leaving him to misery and want. But people of judgment treated
this insinuation as an idle chimera; because, had my relations been so wicked as
to consult their interest by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate of my
father would have extended to me too whose life was another obstacle to their
expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I strongly resembled my father,
who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted nothing which their indigent
circumstances could afford: but their favour was a weak resource against the
jealous enmity of my cousins; who the more my infancy promised, conceived
the more implacable hatred against me: and before I was six years of age, had so
effectually blockaded my grandfather that I never saw him but by stealth, when I
sometimes made up to his chair as he sat to view his labourers in the field: on
which occasion he would stroke my head, bid me be a good boy, and promise to
take care of me.
I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had been
dictator time out of mind; but as he never paid for my board, nor supplied me
with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required, my condition was very
ragged and contemptible, and the schoolmaster, who, through fear of my
grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no concern about the progress I made
under his instruction. In spite of all these difficulties and disgraces, I became a
good proficient in the Latin tongue; and, as soon as I could write tolerably,
pestered my grandfather with letters to such a degree that he sent for my master,
and chid him severely for bestowing such pains on my education, telling him
that, if ever I should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which he had taught
me to commit, my blood would lie on his head.
The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his patron,
assured his honour that the boy’s ability was more owing to his own genius and
application than to any instruction or encouragement he received; that, although
he could not divest him of the knowledge he had already imbibed, unless he
would empower him to disable his fingers, he should endeavour, with God’s
help, to prevent his future improvement. And, indeed, he punctually performed
what he had undertaken; for, on pretence that I had written impertinent letters to
my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five holes in it, through
which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and fastened it by
whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as effectually debarred me the use of my
pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a few days, by an accident which
happened in a quarrel between me and another boy; who, taking upon him to
insult my poverty, I was so incensed at his ungenerous reproach that with one
stroke with my machine I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and
schoolfellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform the
master of what had happened. I was so severely punished for this trespass that,
were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression it made on me would not
be effaced; the more than the antipathy and horror I conceived for the merciless
tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt which my appearance naturally produced in
all who saw me, the continual wants to which I was exposed, and my own
haughty disposition, impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand
troublesome adventures, by which I was at length inured in adversity, and
emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly
scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character of a
vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay unknown,
was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing orchards I never
entered, of killing cats I never hunted, of stealing gingerbread I never touched,
and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay, a stammering carpenter had
eloquence enough to persuade my master that I fired a pistol loaded with small
shot into his window; though my landlady and the whole family bore witness
that I was abed fast asleep at the time when this outrage was committed. I was
once flogged for having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry
boat in which I was passenger. Another time, for having recovered of a bruise
occasioned by a horse and cart running over me. A third time, for being bitten by
a baker’s dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the correction and
sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.
Far from being subdued by this informal usage, my indignation triumphed
over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience; and the more
my years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the injustice and
barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon genius, and the advice
and direction of our usher, who had served my father in his travels, I made a
surprising progress in the classics, writing, and arithmetic; so that, before I was
twelve years old, I was allowed by everybody to be the best scholar in the
school. This qualification, together with the boldness of temper and strength of
make which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, gave me such
influence over them that I began to form cabals against my persecutor; and was
in hope of, being able to bid him defiance in a very short time. Being at the head
of a faction, consisting of thirty boys, most of them of my own age, I was
determined to put their mettle to trial, that I might know how far they were to be
depended upon, before I put my grand scheme in execution: with this view, we
attacked a body of stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of the
ground allotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, and who were then
playing at ninepins on the spot; but I had the mortification to see my adherents
routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his flight by the bowl,
which one of our adversaries had detached in pursuit of us. This discomfiture did
not hinder us from engaging them afterwards in frequent skirmishes, which we
maintained by throwing stones at a distance, wherein I received many wounds,
the scars of which still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by
these alarms that they at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to the
peaceable enjoyment of our own territories.
It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the course of
this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole village; insomuch that,
when different interests divided it, one of the parties commonly courted the
assistance of Roderick Random (by which name I was known) to cast the
balance, and keep the opposite faction in awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage
of every play-day to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom
found access, by reason of his being closely besieged by a numerous family of
his female grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among
themselves, never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of all. His
heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but fox-hunting, and
indeed was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding his grandfather’s
indulgence in entertaining a tutor for him at home; who at the same time
performed the office of parish clerk. This young Actaeon, who inherited his
grandfather’s antipathy to everything in distress, never sat eyes on me without
uncoupling his beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other, whither I
generally fled for shelter. In this Christian amusement he was encouraged by his
preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate himself with the
rising sun, observing, that the old gentleman, according to the course of nature,
had not long to live, for he was already on the verge of fourscore.
The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one day,
when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer’s house, where I had
found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent marksman) with a large
pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth, and effectually incapacitated him
from doing the office of a clerk.
 CHAPTER III
My Mother’s Brother arrives—relieves me—a Description of
him—he goes along with me to the House of my Grandfather—
is encountered by his Dogs—defeats them, after a bloody
Engagement—is admitted to the old Gentleman—a Dialogue
between them

About this time my mother’s only brother, who had been long abroad,
lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country; where being informed of
my condition, he came to see me, and out of his slender finances not only
supplied me with what necessaries I wanted for the present, but resolved not to
leave the country until he had prevailed on my grandfather to settle something
handsome for the future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal,
being entirely ignorant, not only of the judge’s disposition, but also of the ways
of men in general, to which his education on board had kept him an utter
stranger.
He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy legged, with a neck like that of a
bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood the most
obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress consisted of a soldier’s coat altered
for him by the ship’s tailor, a striped flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches
spanned with pitch, clean gray worsted stockings, large silver buckles that
covered three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat, whose crown overlooked
the brims about an inch and a half, black bobwig in buckle, a check shirt, a silk
handkerchief, a hanger, with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a furnished
lace belt, and a good oak plant under his arm. Thus equipped, he set out with me
(who by his bounty made a very decent appearance) for my grandfather’s house,
where we were saluted by Jowler and Caesar, whom my cousin, young master,
had let loose at our approach. Being well acquainted with the inveteracy of these
curs, I was about to betake myself to my heels, when my uncle seized me with
one hand, brandished his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Caesar
sprawling on the ground; but, finding himself attacked at the same time in the
rear by Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled
about, and by a lucky stroke severed Jowler’s head from his body. By this time,
the young foxhunter and three servants, armed with pitchforks and flails, were
come to the assistance of the dogs, whom they found breathless upon the field;
and my cousin was so provoked at the death of his favourites, that he ordered his
attendants to advance, and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded
with all the curses and reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my
uncle stepped forwards with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody
weapons his antagonists fell back with precipitation, when he accosted their
leader thus:
“Lookee, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation, what I
did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and let us shoot a head,
clear of you.”
Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle’s desire of peace, or was
enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of resolution, I know
not; but he snatched a flail from one of his followers, and came up with a show
of assaulting the lieutenant, who, putting himself in a posture of defence,
proceeded thus: “Lookee, you lubberly son of a w—e, if you come athwart me,
’ware your gingerbread work. I’ll be foul of your quarter, d—n me.”
This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check the
progress of the young gentleman’s choler, who, looking behind him, perceived
his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left him to decide the
contention by himself.
Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin’s asking, “Who the
devil are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman, I suppose, who
has deserted and turned thief. But don’t think you shall escape, sirrah—I’ll have
you hang’d, you dog, I will. Your blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you
ragamuffin. I would not have parted with them to save your whole generation
from the gallows, you ruffian, you!” “None of your jaw, you swab—none of
your jaw,” replied my uncle, “else I shall trim your laced jacket for you. I shall
rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy, I shall.” So saying, he sheathed his
hanger, and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the house being
alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was the
matter. “The matter!” answered the lieutenant; “no great matter, young woman; I
have business with the old gentleman, and this spark, belike, won’t allow me to
come alongside of him,” that’s all. After a few minutes pause we were admitted,
and conducted to my grandfather’s chamber through a lane of my relations, who
honoured me with very significant looks as I passed along. When we came into
the judge’s presence my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in
this manner; “Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father? what cheer? I
suppose you don’t know me—mayhap you don’t. My name is Tom Bowling, and
this here boy, you look as if you did not know him neither; ’tis like you mayn’t.
He’s new rigged, i’faith; his cloth don’t shake in the wind so much as it wont to
do. ’Tis my nephew, d’y see, Roderick Random—your own flesh and blood, old
gentleman. Don’t lay a-stern, you dog,” pulling me forward. My grandfather
(who was laid up with the gout) received this relation, after his long absence,
with that coldness of civility which was peculiar to him; told him he was glad to
see him, and desired him to sit down. “Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief
stand,” said my uncle; “for my own part, I desire nothing of you; but, if you have
any conscience at all, do something for this poor boy, who has been used at a
very unchristian rate. Unchristian do I call it? I am sure the Moors in Barbary
have more humanity than to leave their little ones to want. I would fain know
why my sister’s son is more neglected than that there fair-weather Jack”
(pointing to the young squire, who with the rest of my cousins had followed us
into the room). “Is not he as near akin to you as the other? Is he not much
handsomer and better built than that great chucklehead? Come, come, consider,
old gentleman, you are going in a short time to give an account of your evil
actions. Remember the wrongs you did his father, and make all the satisfaction
in your power before it be too late. The least thing you can do is to settle his
father’s portion on him.”
The young ladies, who thought themselves too much concerned to contain
themselves any longer, set up their throats all together against my protector
—“Scurvy companion—saucy tarpaulin—rude, impertinent fellow, did he think
to prescribe to grandpapa? His sister’s brat had been too well taken care of.
Grandpapa was too just not make a difference between an unnatural, rebellious
son and his dutiful, loving children, who took his advice in all things;” and such
expressions were vented against him with great violence; until the judge at
length commanded silence. He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly
behaviour, which he said he would excuse on account of his education: he told
him he had been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or eight
years, although he was informed he made no progress in his learning but was
addicted to all manner of vice, which he rather believed, because he himself was
witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he had committed on the jaws of his
chaplain. But, however, he would see what the lad was fit for, and bind him
apprentice to some honest tradesman or other, provided he would mend his
manners, and behave for the future as became him.
The honest tar (whose pride and indignation boiled within him) answered my
grandfather, that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had cost him
nothing, for he had never been at one shilling expense to furnish him with food,
raiment, books, or other necessaries; so that it was not much to be wondered at,
if the boy made small progress; and yet whoever told him so was a lying,
lubberly rascal, and deserved to be keel-haul’d; for though he (the lieutenant) did
not understand those matters himself, he was well informed as how Rory was the
best scholar of his age in all the country; the truth of which he would maintain,
by laying a wager of his whole half-year’s pay on the boy’s head—with these
words he pulled out his purse, and challenged the company: “Neither is he
predicted to vice, as you affirm, but rather, left like a wreck, d’ye see, at the
mercy of the wind and weather, by your neglect, old gentleman. As for what
happened to your chaplain, I am only sorry that he did not knock out the
scoundrel’s brains instead of his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I come up with him,
he had better be in Greenland, that’s all. Thank you for your courteous offer of
binding the lad apprentice to a tradesman. I suppose you would make a tailor of
him—would you? I had rather see him hang’d, d’ye see. Come along, Rory, I
perceive how the land lies, my boy—let’s tack about, i’faith—while I have a
shilling you shan’t want a tester. B’we, old gentleman; you’re bound for the
other world, but I believe damnably ill-provided for the voyage.” Thus ended our
visit; and we returned to the village, my uncle muttering curses all the way
against the old shark and the young fry that surrounded him.
 CHAPTER IV
My Grandfather makes his Will—our second Visit—he Dies—
his Will is read in Presence of all his living Descendants—the
Disappointment of my female Cousins—my Uncle’s Behaviour

A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge, at the
end of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three days, had sent for a notary and
made his will; that the distemper had mounted from his legs to his stomach, and,
being conscious of his approaching end, he had desired to see all his descendants
without exception. In obedience to this summons, my uncle set out with me a
second time, to receive the last benediction of my grandfather: often repeating
by the road, “Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at last. You shall see—you
shall see the effect of my admonition,” When we entered his chamber, which
was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the bedside, where we found
him in his last agonies, supported by two of his granddaughters, who sat on each
side of him, sobbing most piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it
gathered on his lips, which they frequently kissed with a show of great anguish
and affection. My uncle approached him with these words, “What! he’s not a-
weigh. How fare ye? how fare ye, old gentleman? Lord have mercy upon your
poor sinful soul!” Upon which, the dying man turned his languid eyes towards
us, and Mr. Bowling went on—“Here’s poor Roy come to see you before you
die, and to receive your blessing. What, man! don’t despair, you have been a
great sinner, ’tis true,—what then? There’s a righteous judge above, an’t there?
He minds me no more than a porpoise. Yes, yes, he’s a-going; the land crabs will
have him, I see that! his anchor’s a-peak, i’faith.” This homely consolation
scandalised the company so much, and especially the parson, who probably
thought his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire into another room,
where, in a few minutes, we were convinced of my grandfather’s decease, by a
dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither we immediately
hastened, and found his heir, who had retired a little before into a closet, under
pretence of giving vent to his sorrow, asking, with a countenance beslubbered
with tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead? “Dead!” (says my uncle,
looking, at the body) “ay, ay, I’ll warrant him as dead as a herring. Odd’s fish!
now my dream is out for all the world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and
saw a parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead shark: that floated alongside, and the
devil perching upon our spritsail yard, in the likeness of a blue bear—who, d’ye
see jumped overboard upon the carcass and carried it to the bottom in his claws.”
“Out upon thee, reprobate” cries the parson “out upon thee, blasphemous
wretch! Dost thou think his honour’s soul is in the possession of Satan?” The
clamour immediately arose, and my poor uncle, being, shouldered from one
corner of the room to the other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and
swear he would turn out for no man, till such time as he knew who had the title
to send him adrift. “None of your tricks upon travellers,” said he; “mayhap old
Bluff has left my kinsman here his heir: if he has, it will be the better for his
miserable soul. Odds bob! I’d desire no better news. I’d soon make him a clear
shin, I warrant you.” To avoid any further disturbance, one of my grandfather’s
executors, who was present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew should have
all manner of justice; that a day should be appointed after the funeral for
examining the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his relations; till which
time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain close sealed; and that he
was very welcome to be witness to this ceremony, which was immediately
performed to his satisfaction. In the meantime, orders were given to provide
mourning for all the relations, in which number I was included; but my uncle
would not suffer me to accept of it, until I should be assured whether or no I had
reason to honour his memory so far. During this interval, the conjectures of
people, with regard to the old gentleman’s will, were various: as it was well
known, he had, besides his landed estate, which was worth £700 per annum, six
or seven thousand pounds at interest, some imagined that the whole real estate
(which he had greatly improved) would go to the young man whom he always
entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally divided between my
female cousins (five in number) and me. Others were of opinion, that, as the rest
of the children had been already provided for, he would only bequeath two or
three hundred pounds to each of his granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the
sum to me, to atone for his unnatural usage of my father. At length the important
hour arrived, and the will was produced in the midst of the expectants, whose
looks and gestures formed a group that would have been very entertaining to an
unconcerned spectator. But, the reader can scarce conceive the astonishment and
mortification that appeared, when an attorney pronounced aloud, the young
squire sole heir of all his grandfather’s estate, personal and real. My uncle, who
had listened with great attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all the while,
accompanied these words of the attorney with a stare, and whew, that alarmed
the whole assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female competitors, who had
been always very officious about my grandfather’s person, inquired, with a
faltering accent and visage as yellow as an orange, “if there were no legacies?”
and was answered, “None at all.” Upon which she fainted away. The rest, whose
expectations, perhaps, were not so sanguine, supported their disappointment
with more resolution, though not without giving evident marks of indignation,
and grief at least as genuine as that which appeared in them at the old
gentleman’s death. My conductor, after having kicked with his heel for some
time against the wainscot, began: “So there’s no legacy, friend, ha!—here’s an
old succubus; but somebody’s soul howls for it, d—n me!” The parson of the
parish, who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director to the old
man, no sooner heard this exclamation than he cried out, “Avaunt, unchristian
reviler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul of his honour to rest in peace?” But
this zealous pastor did not find himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the
young ladies, who now joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having
acted the part of a busybody with their grandpapa whose ears he had certainly
abused by false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have neglected
them in such an unnatural manner. The young squire was much diverted with
this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if he had not murdered his dogs, he
would have shown him glorious fun, by hunting a black badger (so he termed the
clergyman). The surly lieutenant, who was not in a humour to relish this
amusement, replied, “You and your dogs may be damn’d. I suppose you’ll find
them with your old dad, in the latitude of hell. Come, Rory,—about ship, my lad,
we must steer another course, I think.” And away we went.
 CHAPTER V

The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously—I form a Project of

Revenge, in which I am assisted by my Uncle—I leave the
Village—am settled at a University by his Generosity

On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the space
of a whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence the tune of “Why should we
quarrel for riches,” etc. his visage being contracted all the while into a most
formidable frown. At length his pace increased to such a degree that I was left
behind a considerable way: then he waited for me; and when I was almost up
with him, called out in a surly tone, “Bear a hand, damme! must I bring to every
minute for you, you lazy dog.” Then, laying hold of me by the arm, hauled me
along, until his good nature (of which he had a great share) and reflection getting
the better of his he said, “Come, my boy, don’t be cast down,—the old rascal is
in hell, that’s some satisfaction; you shall go to sea with me, my lad. A light
heart and a thin pair of breeches goes through the world, brave boys, as the song
goes—eh!” Though this proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid
of discovering my aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only friend I had in
the world; and he was so much a seaman that he never dreamt I could have had
any objection to his design; consequently gave himself no trouble in consulting
my approbation. But this resolution was soon dropped, by the device of our
usher, who assured Mr. Bowling, it would be a thousand pities to balk my
genius, which would certainly one day make my fortune on shore, provided it
received due cultivation. Upon which, this generous tar determined (though he
could ill afford it) to give me university education; and accordingly settled my
board and other expenses, at a town not many miles distant, famous for its
colleges, whither we repaired in a short time. But, before the day of our
departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the fear of my grandfather
before his eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and not only abused me in
the grossest language his rancour could suggest, as a wicked, profligate, dull,
beggarly miscreant, whom he had taught out of charity; but also inveighed in the
most bitter manner against the memory of the judge (who by the by had
procured that settlement for him), hinting, in pretty plain terms, that the old
gentleman’s soul was damned to all eternity for his injustice in neglecting to pay
for my learning.
This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly undergone made
me think it high time to be revenged on this insolent pedagogue. Having
consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in their promises to stand by
me; and our scheme was this:—In the afternoon preceding to the day of our
departure for the University, I resolved to take the advantage of the usher’s going
out to make water (which he regularly did at four o’clock), and shut the great
door, that he might not come to the assistance of his superior. This being done,
the assault was to be begun by my advancing to my master and spitting in his
face. I was to be seconded by two of the strongest boys in the school, who were
devoted to me; their business was to join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench,
over which he was to be laid, and his bare posteriors heartily flogged, with his
own birch, which we proposed to wrest from him in his struggle; but if we
should find him too many for us all three, we were to demand the assistance of
our competitors, who should be ready to enforce us, or oppose anything that
might be undertaken for the master’s relief. One of my principal assistants was
called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the
neighbourhood; and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a family
which had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind. I had once saved
Gawky’s life, by plunging into a river and dragging him on shore, when he was
on the point of being drowned. I had often rescued him from the clutches of
those whom his insufferable arrogance had provoked to a resentment he was not
able to sustain; and many times saved his reputation and posteriors, by
performing his exercises at school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a
particular regard for me and my interests. The attachment of Strap flowed from a
voluntary, disinterested inclination, which had manifested itself on many
occasions in my behalf, he having once rendered me the same service that I had
rendered Gawky, by saving my life at the risk of his own; and often fathered
offences that I had committed, for which he suffered severely, rather than I
should feel the weight of the punishment. These two champions were the more
willing to engage in this enterprise, because they intended to leave the school
next day, as well as I; the first being ordered by his father to return into the
country, and the other being bound apprentice to his barber, at a market town not
far off.
In the meantime, my uncle, being informed of my master’s behaviour to me,
was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily that I could not
refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, while he heard with great
satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured with
tobacco, of which he constantly chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up his
breeches, he cried, “No, no, z—ds! that won’t do neither; howsoever, ’tis a bold
undertaking, my lad, that I must say, i’faith; but lookee, lookee, how do you
propose to get clear off—won’t the enemy give chase, my boy?—ay, ay, that he
will, I warrant, and alarm the whole coast; ah! God help thee, more sail than
ballast, Rory. Let me alone for that—leave the whole to me. I’ll show him the
foretopsail, I will. If so be your shipmates are jolly boys, and won’t flinch, you
shall see, you shall see; egad, I’ll play him such a salt-water trick I’ll bring him
to the gangway and anoint him with a cat-and-nine-tails; he shall have a round
dozen doubled, my lad, he shall—and be left lashed to his meditations.” We
were very proud of our associate, who immediately went to work, and prepared
the instrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition; after which, he
ordered our baggage to be packed up and sent off, a day before our attempt, and
got horses ready to be mounted, as soon as the affair should be over. At length
the hour arrived, when our auxiliary, seizing the opportunity of the usher’s
absence, bolted in, secured the door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by
his collar who bawled out, “Murder, Thieves,” with the voice of a Stentor.
Though I trembled all over like an aspen leaf, I knew there was no time to be
lost, and accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to our assistance.
Strap, without any hesitation, obeyed the signal, and seeing me leap upon the
master’s back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which pulling with all his
force, this dreadful adversary was humbled to the ground; upon which Gawky,
who had hitherto remained in his place, under the influence of a universal
trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, and insulted the fallen tyrant with a
loud huzza, in which the whole school joined. The noise alarmed the usher, who,
finding himself shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats and partly by entreaties,
to procure admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience, and he would let
him in presently; but if he pretended to stir from that place, it should fare the
worse with the son of a bitch his superior, on whom he intended only to bestow a
little wholesome chastisement, for his barbarous usage of Rory, “to which,” said
he, “you are no stranger.” By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post, to
which Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose; after having
secured his hands and stripped his back. In this ludicrous posture he stood (to the
no small entertainment of the boys, who crowded about him, and shouted with
great exultation at the novelty of the sight), venting bitter imprecations against
the lieutenant, and reproaching his scholars with treachery and rebellion; when
the usher was admitted, whom my uncle accosted in this manner: “Harkee, Mr.
Syntax, I believe you are an honest man, d’ye see—and I have a respect for you
—but for all that, we must, for our own security, d’ye see, belay you for a short
time.” With these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord, which the honest
man no sooner saw than he protested with great earnestness he would allow no
violence to be offered to him, at the same time accusing me of perfidy and
ingratitude. But Bowling representing that it was in vain to resist, and that he did
not mean to use him with violence and indecency, but only to hinder him from
raising the hue and cry against us before we should be out of their power, he
allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a spectator of the
punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle, having upbraided this arbitrary
wretch with his inhumanity to me, told him, that he proposed to give him a little
discipline for the good of his soul, which he immediately put in practice, with
great vigour and dexterity. This smart application to the pedant’s withered
posteriors gave him such exquisite pain that he roared like a mad bull, danced,
cursed, and blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite. When the lieutenant thought
himself sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in these words: “Now,
friend, you’ll remember me the longest day you have to live; I have given you a
lesson that will let you know what flogging is, and teach you to have more
sympathy for the future. Shout, boys, shout!”
This ceremony was no sooner over than my uncle proposed they should quit
the school, and convey their old comrade Rory to the public-house, about a mile
from the village, where he would treat them all. His offer being joyfully
embraced, he addressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and begged him to accompany
us; but this invitation he refused with great disdain, telling my benefactor he was
not the man he took him to be. “Well, well, old surly,” replied my uncle, shaking
his hand, “thou art an honest fellow notwithstanding; and if ever I have the
command of a ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i’faith.” So saying he
dismissed the boys, and locking the door, left the two preceptors to console one
another; while we moved forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous
retinue, whom he treated according to his promise.
We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road, about ten
miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we arrived next day, and
I found I had no cause to complain of the accommodations provided for me, in
being boarded at the house of an apothecary, who had married a distant relation
of my mother. In a few days after, my uncle set out for his ship, having settled
the necessary funds for my maintenance and education.
 CHAPTER VI
I make great progress in my Studies—am caressed by
Everybody—my female Cousins take notice of me—I reject
their Invitation—they are incensed, and conspire against me—
am left destitute by a Misfortune that befalls my Uncle—
Gawky’s Treachery—my Revenge

As I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious

situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was to protect me:
and that my sole dependence was on the generosity of one man, who was not
only exposed by his profession to continual dangers, which might one day
deprive me of him for ever; but also (no doubt) subject to those vicissitudes of
disposition which a change of fortune usually creates, or which a better
acquaintance with the world might produce; for I always ascribed his
benevolence to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with
mankind. Alarmed at these considerations, I resolved to apply myself with great
care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity in my power: this I did with such
success that, in the space of three years, I understood Greek very well, was
pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no stranger to moral and natural
philosophy: logic I made no account of; but, above all things, I valued myself on
my taste in the belles lettres, and a talent for poetry, which had already produced
some pieces that had met with a favourable reception. These qualifications,
added to a good face and shape, acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the
most considerable people in town, and I had the satisfaction to find myself in
some degree of favour with the ladies; an intoxicating piece of good fortune to
one of my amorous complexion! which I obtained, or at least preserved, by
gratifying their propensity to scandal, in lampooning their rivals.
Two of my female cousins lived in this place, with their mother, since the
death of their father, who left his whole fortune equally divided between them;
so that, if they were not the most beautiful, they were at least the richest toasts in
town; and received daily the addresses of all the beaux and cavaliers of the
country. Although I had hitherto been looked upon by them with the most
supercilious contempt, my character now attracted their notice so much that I
was given to understand I might be honoured with their acquaintance, if I
pleased.
The reader will easily perceive that this condescension either flowed from the
hope of making my poetical capacity subservient to their malice, or at least of
screening themselves from the lash of my resentment, which they had effectually
provoked. I enjoyed this triumph with great satisfaction, and not only rejected
their offer with disdain, but in all my performances, whether satire or panegyric,
industriously avoided mentioning their names, even while I celebrated those of
their intimates: this neglect mortified their pride exceedingly and incensed them
to such a degree that they were resolved to make me repent of my indifference.
The first stroke of their revenge consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to write
verses against me, the subject of which was my own poverty, and the catastrophe
of my unhappy parents; but, besides the badness of the composition (of which
they themselves were ashamed), they did not find their account in endeavouring
to reproach me with those misfortunes which they and their relations had
brought upon me; and which consequently reflected much more dishonour on
themselves than on me, who was the innocent victim of their barbarity and
avarice.
Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young gentleman
against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress; and so effectually
succeeded in the quality of incendiaries that this enraged lover determined to
seize me next night as I returned to my lodgings from a friend’s house that I
frequented: with this view, he waited in the street, attended by two of his
companions, to whom he had imparted his design of carrying me down to the
river, in which proposed to have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the
severity of the weather, it being then about the middle of December. But this
stratagem did not succeed; for, being apprised of their ambush, I got home
another way, and by the help of my landlord’s apprentice, discharged a volley
from the garret window, which did great execution upon them, and next day
occasioned so much mirth at their expense that they found themselves under a
necessity of leaving the town, until the adventure should be entirely forgotten.
My cousins (though twice baffled in their expectation) did not, however,
desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond a possibility of
forgiveness by detecting their malice and preventing its effects: neither should I
have found them more humane, had I patiently submitted to their rancour, and
borne without murmuring the rigour of their unreasonable hate; for I have found
by experience, that though small favours may be acknowledged and slight
injuries atoned, there is no wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have most
generously obliged, and no enemy so implacable as those who have done you
the greatest wrong. These good-natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a
scheme which conspired with a piece of bad news I soon after received, to give
them all the satisfaction they desired: this plan was to debauch the faith of my
companion and confidant, who betrayed the trust I reposed in him, by imparting
to them the particulars of my small amours, which they published with such
exaggerations that I suffered very much in the opinion of everybody, and was
utterly discarded by the dear creatures whose names had been called in question.
While I was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I might not
only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my character to my friends, I one
day perceived the looks of my landlady much altered, when I went home to my
dinner, and inquiring into the cause, she screwed up her mouth, and fixed her
eyes on the ground, told me her husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling,
with one inclosed for me. She was very sorry for what had happened, both for
my sake and his own—people should be more cautious of their conduct—she
was always afraid his brutal behaviour would bring him into some misfortune or
other. As for her part, she should be very ready to befriend me; but she had a
small family of her own to maintain. The world would do nothing for her if she
should come to want—charity begins at home: she wished I had been bound to
some substantial handicraft, such as a weaver or a shoemaker, rather than loiter
away my time in learning foolish nonsense, that would never bring me in a
penny but some folks are wise, and some are otherwise.
I was listening to this mysterious discourse with great amazement, when her
husband entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put both the letters into my
hand. I received them trembling, and read what follows:

‘To Mr. Roger Potion

‘Sir,
‘This is to let you know that I have quitted the Thunder man
of war, being obliged to sheer off for killing my captain, which I
did fairly on the beach, at Cape Tiberoon, in the Island of
Hispaniola; having received his fire and returned it, which went
through his body: and I would serve the best man so that ever
stepped between stem and stern, if so be that he struck me, as
Captain Oakum did. I am (thank God) safe among the French,
who are very civil, though I don’t understand their lingo; and I
hope to be restored in a little time, for all the great friends and
parliamentary interest of the captain, for I have sent over to my
landlord in Deal an account of the whole affair, with our
bearings and distances while we were engaged, whereby I have
desired him to lay it before his majesty, who (God bless him)
will not suffer an honest tar to be wronged. My love to your
spouse, and am

‘Your loving friend and servant to command, while

‘Thomas Bowling,’

‘To Roderick Random

‘Dear Rory,
‘Don’t be grieved at my misfortune, but mind your book, my
lad. I have got no money to send you, but what of that? Mr.
Potion will take care of you for the love he bears to me, and let
you want for nothing; and it shall go hard but I will see him one
day repaid. No more at present, but rests

‘Your dutiful uncle and servant, till death,

‘Thomas Bowling.’

This letter (which, with the other, was dated from Port Louis, in Hispaniola) I
had no sooner read than the apothecary, shaking his head, began: “I have a very
great regard for Mr. Bowling that’s certain; and could be well content—but times
are very hard. There’s no such thing as money to be got; I believe ’tis all
vanished under ground, for my part. Besides, I have been out of pocket already,
having entertained you since the beginning of this month, without receiving a
sixpence, and God knows if ever I shall; for I believe it will go hard with your
uncle. And more than that, I was thinking of giving you warning, for I want your
apartment for a new prentice, whom I expect from the country every hour. So I
desire you will this week provide yourself with another lodging.”
The indignation which this harangue inspired gave me spirits to support my
reverse of fortune, and to tell him I despised his mean selfish disposition so
much that I would rather starve than be beholden to him for one single meal.
Upon which, out of my pocket money, I paid him to the last farthing of what I
owed, and assured him, I would not sleep another night under his roof.
This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and sorrow, without knowing
whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the world capable of relieving
me, and only three shillings in my purse. After giving way for a few minutes to
the dictates of my rage, I went and hired a small bedroom, at the rate of one
shilling and sixpence per week, which I was obliged to pay per advance, before
the landlord would receive me: thither I removed my luggage; and next morning
got up, with a view of craving the advice and assistance of a person who had on
all occasions loaded me with caresses and made frequent offers of friendship,
while I was under no necessity of accepting them. He received me with his
wonted affability, and insisted on my breakfasting with him, a favour which I did
not think fit to refuse. But when I communicated the occasion of my visit, he
appeared so disconcerted that I concluded him wonderfully affected with the
misery of my condition and looked upon him as a man of the most extensive
sympathy and benevolence. He did not leave me long under this mistake; for,
recovering himself from his confusion, he told me he was grieved at my
misfortune, and desired to know what had passed between my landlord, Mr.
Potion, and me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and, when I repeated
the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard to my leaving his
house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and exclaimed, “Is it possible you
could behave so ill to the man who had treated you so kindly all along?”
My surprise at hearing this was not at all affected, whatever his might be; and
I gave to understand with some warmth, that I did not imagine he would so
unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel who ought to be expelled from
every social community. This heat of mine gave him all the advantage he desired
over me, and our discourse, after much altercation, concluded in his desiring
never to see me again in that place; to which desire I yielded my consent,
assuring him, that, had I been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as
I was now, he never should have had an opportunity of making that request. And
thus we parted.
On my return, I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, whom his father had sent,
some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, dancing, fencing, and
other modish qualifications. As I had lived with him since his arrival on the
footing of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of informing him of the lowness
of my circumstances, and asking a small supply of money, to answer my present
expense; upon which he pulled out a handful of halfpence with a shilling or two
among them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter-
day he having lost the greatest part of his allowance the night before at billiards.
Though this assertion might very well be true, I was extremely mortified at his
indifference: for he neither expressed any sympathy for my mishap nor desire of
alleviating my distress; and accordingly I left him without uttering one word:
but, when I afterwards understood that he was the person who had formerly
betrayed me to the malice of my cousins, to whom likewise he had carried the
tidings of my forlorn situation, which afforded them great matter of triumph and
exultation, I determined with myself to call him to a severe account for which
purpose I borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet me at a
certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of punishing his perfidy,
at the expense of his blood. He accepted the invitation, and I betook myself to
the field, though not without feeling considerable repugnance to the combat,
which frequently attacked me in cold sweats by the way; but the desire of
revenge, the shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel these
unmanly symptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a good grace: there
I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and was not ill pleased to find he
had no mind to meet me, because I should have an opportunity of exposing his
cowardice, displaying my own courage, and of beating him soundly wheresoever
I should find, without any dread of the consequence.
Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts of my
deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky’s lodgings, where I was informed
of his precipitate retreat, he having set out for the country in less than an hour
after he had received my billet; and I was vain enough to have the whole story
inserted in the news, although I was fain to sell a gold laced hat to my landlord
for less than half-price, to defray the expenses and contribute to my subsistence.
 CHAPTER VII

I am entertained by Mr. Crab—a description of him—I acquire

the Art of Surgery—consult Crab’s Disposition—become
necessary to him—an Accident happens—he advises me to
launch out into the world—assists me with Money—I set out for
London

The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of my

success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want, and avoided
by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather as a solitary being,
noways comprehended within the scheme or protection of Providence. My
despair had rendered me almost quite stupified, when I was one day told, that a
gentleman desired to see me at a certain public-house, whither immediately I
repaired; and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon in town, who
was engaged with two more in drinking a liquor called pop-in, composed by
mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer. Before I relate the
occasion of this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to the reader, if I
describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention some circumstances of his
character and conduct which may illustrate what follows, and account for his
behaviour to me.
This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high, and ten round
the belly; his face was as capacious as a full moon, and much of the complexion
of a mulberry: his nose, resembling a powder-horn, was swelled to an enormous
size, and studded all over with carbuncles; and his little gray eyes reflected the
rays in such an oblique manner that, while he looked a person full in the face,
one would have imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long
entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, who, though a younger
practitioner, was better employed than he, and once had the assurance to perform
a cure, whereby he disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of the said Crab.
This quarrel which was at one time upon the point of being made up, by the
interposition and mediation of friends, had been lately inflamed beyond a
possibility of reconciliation by the respective wives of the opponents, who,
chancing to meet at a christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from
invectives to blows, and were with great difficulty, by the gossips, prevented
from converting the occasion of joy into a scene of lamentation.
The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when I
received the message of Crab, who received me as civilly as I could have
expected from one of his disposition; and, after desiring me to sit, inquired into
the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion; which when I had related, he
said, with a malicious grin, “There’s a sneaking dog! I always thought him a
fellow without a soul, d—n me, a canting scoundrel, who has crept into business
by his hypocrisy, and kissing the a—e of every body.”—“Ay, ay,” says another,
“one might see with half an eye that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his
going so regularly to church.”
This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his companions that
Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting of the
godly, where he had distinguished himself by an extempore prayer an hour long.
After this preamble, Crab addressed himself to me in these words: “Well, my
lad, I have heard a good character of you, and I’ll do for you. You may send your
things to my house when you please. I have given orders for your reception.
Zounds! What does the booby stare at? If you have no mind to embrace my
courteous offer, you may let it alone, and be d—d.” I answered with a
submissive bow, that I was far from rejecting his friendly offer, which I would
immediately accept, as soon as he should inform me on what footing I was to be
entertained. “What footing! D—n my blood,” cried he, “d’ye expect to have a
footman and a couple of horses kept for you?” “No, sir,” I replied, “my
expectations are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as little burthensome as
possible, I would willingly serve in your shop, by which means I may save you
the expense of a journeyman, or porter at least, for I understand a little
pharmacy, having employed some of my leisure hours in the practice of that art,
while I lived with Mr. Potion; neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which
I have studied with great pleasure and application.”—“Oho! you did,” says Crab.
“Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! Studied surgery! What? in books, I
suppose. I shall have you disputing with me one of these days on points of my
profession. You can already account for muscular motion, I warrant, and explain
the mystery of the brain and nerves—ha! You are too learned for me, d—n me.
But let’s have no more of this stuff. Can you blood and give a clyster, spread a
plaster, and prepare a potion?” Upon my answering in the affirmative, he shock
his head, telling me, he believed he should have little good of me, for all my
promises; but, however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. I was
accordingly that very night admitted to his house, and had an apartment assigned
to me in the garret, which I was fain to put up with, notwithstanding the
mortification my pride suffered in this change of circumstances.
I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive me in
this manner; for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by exposing the
selfishness of his antagonist, in opposition to his own generosity, which was all
affectation, he had occasion for a young man who understood something of the
profession, to fill up the place of his eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without
violent suspicion of foul play from his master’s brutality. The knowledge of this
circumstance, together with his daily behaviour to his wife and the young
apprentice, did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new situation with ease;
however, as I did not perceive how I could bestow myself to better advantage, I
resolved to study Crab’s temper with all the application, and manage it with all
the address in my power. And it was not long before I found out a strange
peculiarity of humour which governed his behaviour towards all his dependents.
I observed, when he was pleased, he was such a niggard of his satisfaction that,
if his wife or servants betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was
offended to an insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which they
seldom failed to feel. And when his indignation was roused, submission and
soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason and humanity. I
therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one day, when he honoured me with the
names of ignorant whelp and lazy ragamuffin, I boldly replied, I was neither
ignorant nor lazy, since I both understood and performed my business as well as
he could do for his soul; neither was it just to call me ragamuffin, for I had a
whole coat on my back, and was descended from a better family than any he
could boast an alliance with.
He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook his
cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance truly
diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at his menacing looks and posture, I
yet had reflection enough left to convince me I had gone too far to retract, and
that this was the critical minute which must decide my future lot in his service; I
therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if he offered to strike me
without a cause, I should see whether his skull or my weapon was hardest.
He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these
ejaculations: “This is fine usage from a servant to his master—very fine!
damnation! but no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you shall; I’ll do your
business—yes, yes, I’ll teach you to lift your hand against me.” So saying, he
retired, and left me under dreadful apprehensions, which vanished entirely at our
next meeting, when he behaved with unusual complacency, and treated me with
a glass of punch after dinner.
By this conduct I got the ascendancy over him in a short time, and became so
necessary to him, in managing his business while he was engaged at the bottle,
that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; and I consoled myself for the
disregard of my former acquaintance, with the knowledge I daily imbibed by a
close application to the duties of my employment, in which I succeeded beyond
my own expectation. I was on very good terms with my master’s wife, whose
esteem I acquired and cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most
ridiculous lights my satirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering her
some Christian offices, when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle, to
which she had oftentimes recourse for consolation, under the affliction she
suffered from a barbarous husband.
In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my uncle for the
space of two years, during which time I kept little or no company, being neither
in a humour to relish nor in a capacity to maintain much acquaintance; for the
Nabal my master allowed me no wages, and the small perquisites of my station
scarcely supplied me with the common necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert
unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with the
extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had taught me how little the caresses of
the world, during a man’s prosperity, are to be valued by him; and how seriously
and expeditiously he ought to set about making himself independent of them.
My present appearance, therefore, was the least of my care, which was wholly
engrossed in laying up a stock of instruction that might secure me against the
caprice of fortune for the future. I became such a sloven, and contracted such an
air of austerity, that everybody pronounced me crestfallen; and Gawky returned
to town without running any risk from my resentment, which was by this time
pretty much cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons so effectually that I
never so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for the injuries he had done
me.
When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business I began to cast
about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope of finding some
provision that might make amends for the difficulties I had undergone; but, as
this could not be effected without a small sum of money to equip me for the
field, I was in the utmost perplexity how to raise it, well knowing that Crab, for
his own sake, would never put me in a condition to leave him, when his interest
was so much concerned in my stay. But a small accident, which happened about
this time, determined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of
his maidservant, who declared her situation to me, assuring me at the same time
that I was the occasion of it.
Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I was not
ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her master and her, taking
the advantage of which I represented to her the folly of laying the burden at my
door, when she might dispose of it to much better purpose with Mr. Crab. She
listened to my advice, and next day acquainted him with the pretended success
of their mutual endeavours. He was far from being overjoyed at this proof of his
vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome consequences; not that
he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from his wife, whom he
kept in perfect subjection; but because he knew it would furnish his rival Potion
with a handle for insulting and undermining his reputation, there being no
scandal equal to that of uncleanness, in the opinion of those who inhabit the part
of the island where he lived. He therefore took a resolution worthy of himself,
which was, to persuade the girl that she was not with child, but only afflicted
with a disorder incidental to young women, which he could easily remove: with
this view (as he pretended) he prescribed for her such medicines as he thought
would infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme he was disappointed, for
the maid, being advertised by me of his design, and at the same time well
acquainted with her own condition, absolutely refused to follow his directions;
and threatened to publish her situation to the world if he would not immediately
take some method of providing for the important occasion, which she expected
in a few months. It was not long before I guessed the result of his deliberation,
by his addressing himself to me one day in this manner: “I am surprised that a
young fellow like you discovers no inclination to push his fortune in the world.
Before I was of your age I was broiling on the coast of Guinea. D—e! what’s to
hinder you from profiting by the war which will certainly be declared in a short
time against Spain? You may easily get on board of a king’s ship in quality of
surgeon’s mate, where you will certainly see a great deal of practice, and stand a
good chance of getting prize-money.”
I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and assured him I
would follow his advice with pleasure, if it were in my power; but that it was
impossible for me to embrace an opportunity of that kind, as I had no friend to
advance a little money to supply me with what necessaries I should want, and
defray the expenses of my journey to London. He told me that few necessaries
were required; and, as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money,
sufficient not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in
London until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board of some ship.
I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was very well
apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design to lay the bastard to my
charge after my departure), and accordingly set out in a few weeks for London;
my whole fortune consisting of one suit of clothes, half a dozen ruffled shirts, as
many plain, two pair of worsted and a like number of threaded stockings; a case
of pocket instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman’s Surgery, and ten
guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond, bearing five per cent interest; at
the same time giving me a letter to a member of parliament for our town, which
he said would do my business effectually.
 CHAPTER VIII
I arrive at Newcastle—meet with my old Schoolfellow Strap—
we determine to walk together to London—set out on our
Journey—put up at a solitary Alehouse—are disturbed by a
strange Adventure in the Night

There is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my finances

were too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse: I determined therefore to
set out with the carriers, who transport goods from one place to another on
horseback; and this scheme I accordingly put in execution on the 1st day of
September, 1739, sitting upon a pack-saddle between two baskets, one of which
contained my goods in a knapsack. But by the time we arrived at Newcastle-
upon-Tyne I was so fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed
with the coldness of the weather, that I resolved to travel the rest of my journey
on foot, rather than proceed in such a disagreeable manner.
The ostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound for
London, advised me to take my passage in a collier which would be both cheap
and expeditious and withal much easier than to walk upwards of three hundred
miles through deep roads in the winter time, a journey which he believed I had
not strength enough to perform. I was almost persuaded to take his advice, when
one day, stepping into a barber’s shop to be shaved, the young man, while he
lathered my face, accosted me thus: “Sir, I presume you are a Scotchman.” I
answered in the affirmative. “Pray,” continued he, “from what part of Scotland?”
I no sooner told him, than he discovered great emotion, and not confining his
operation to my chin and upper lip, besmeared my whole face with great
agitation. I was so offended at this profusion that starting up, I asked him what
the d—l he meant by using me so? He begged pardon, telling me his joy at
meeting with a countryman had occasioned some confusion in him, and craved
my name. But, when I declared my name was Random, he exclaimed in rapture,
“How! Rory Random?” “The same,” I replied, looking at him with
astonishment. “What!” cried he, “don’t you know your old schoolfellow, Hugh
Strap?”
At that instant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the transport
of my joy, gave him back one-half of the suds he had so lavishly bestowed on
my countenance; so that we made a very ludicrous appearance, and furnished a
great deal of mirth for his master and shopmates, who were witnesses of this
scene. When our mutual caresses were over I sat down again to be shaved, but
the poor fellow’s nerves were so discomposed by this unexpected meeting that
his hand could scarcely hold the razor, with which, nevertheless, he found means
to cut me in three places in as many strokes. His master, perceiving his disorder,
bade another supply his place, and after the operation was performed, gave Strap
leave to pass the rest of the day with me.
We retired immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I
desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained nothing more than
that his master dying before his time was out, he had come to Newcastle about a
year ago, in expectation of journeywork, along with three young fellows of his
acquaintance who worked in the keels; that he had the good fortune of being
employed by a very civil master, with whom he intended to stay till the spring, at
which time he proposed to go to London, where he did not doubt of finding
encouragement. When I communicated to him my situation and design, he did
not approve of my taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter
voyage, which is very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness
of the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no small
detriment of my fortune; whereas, if I would venture by land, he would bear me
company, carry my baggage all the way, and if we should be fatigued before we
could perform the journey it would be no hard matter for us to find on the road
either return horses or waggons, of which we might take the advantage for a very
trifling expense.
I was so ravished at this proposal that I embraced him affectionately, and
assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but he gave me to
understand he had saved money sufficient to answer his own occasions; and that
he had a friend in London who would soon introduce him into business in that
capital, and possibly have it in his power to serve me also.
 Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we departed next
morning by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each (my companion being
charged with the furniture of us both crammed into one knapsack), and our
money sewed between the linings and waistbands of our breeches, except some
loose silver for our immediate expenses on the road, We travelled all day at a
round pace, but, being ignorant of the proper stages, were benighted at a good
distance from any inn, so that we were compelled to take up our lodging at a
small hedge alehouse, that stood on a byroad, about half-a-mile from the
highway: there we found a pedlar of our own country, in whose company we
regaled ourselves with bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, before a
comfortable fire, conversing all the while very sociably with the landlord and his
daughter, a hale buxom lass, who entertained us with great good humour, and in
whose affection I was vain enough to believe I had made some progress. About
eight o’clock we were all three, at our own desire, shown into an apartment
furnished with two beds, in one of which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest,
and the pedlar occupied the other, though not before he had prayed a
considerable time extempore, searched into every corner of the room, and
fastened the door on the inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about
with him for that use.
I slept very sound till midnight when I was disturbed by a violent motion of
the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor. Alarmed at this
phenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no small amazement, I
found drenched in sweat, and quaking through every limb; he told me, with a
low faltering voice, that we were undone; for there was a bloody highwayman,
loaded with pistols, in the next room; then, bidding me make as little noise as
possible, he directed me to a small chink in the board partition through which I
could see a thick-set brawny fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a table
with our young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols before him.
I listened with great attention, and heard him say, in a terrible tone, “D—n that
son of a b—h, Smack the coachman; he has served me a fine trick, indeed! but d
—ion seize me, if I don’t make him repent it! I’ll teach the scoundrel to give
intelligence to others while he is under articles with me.”
Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying he
might be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with the
other gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if an accident had disappointed
him to-day, he might soon find opportunities enough to atone for his lost trouble.
“I’ll tell thee what, my dear Bet,” replied he, “I never had, nor ever shall, while
my name is Rifle, have such a glorious booty as I missed to-day. Z—s! there was
£400 in cash to recruit men for the king’s service, besides the jewels, watches,
swords, and money belonging to the passengers. Had it been my fortune to have
got clear off with so much treasure, I would have purchased a commission in the
army, and made you an officer’s lady, you jade, I would.” “Well, well,” cries
Betty, “we must trust to Providence for that. But did you find nothing worth
taking which escaped the other gentlemen of the road?” “Not much, faith,” said
the lover; “I gleaned a few things, such as a pair of pops, silver mounted (here
they are): I took them loaded from the captain who had the charge of the money,
together with a gold watch which he had concealed in his breeches. I likewise
found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a quaker, whom the spirit moved to
revile me with great bitterness and devotion; but what I value myself mostly for
is, this here purchase, a gold snuffbox, my girl, with a picture on the inside of the
lid; which I untied out of the tail of a pretty lady’s smock.”
Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the
highwayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crying, “Hell and d-n-n! I am
betrayed! Who’s that in the next room?” Mrs. Betty told him he need not be
uneasy: there were only three poor travellers, who, missing the road, had taken
up their lodgings in the house, and were asleep long ago. “Travellers,” says he,
“spies, you b—ch! But no matter; I’ll send them all to hell in an instant!” He
accordingly ran towards our door; when his sweetheart interposing, assured him,
there was only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and
ignorant to give him the least cause of suspicion; and the third was a
presbyterian pedlar of the same nation, who had often lodged in the house
before.
This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there was a pedlar,
for he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner, he put about the glass,
mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses and familiarities, that spoke him
very happy in his amours. During that part of the conversation which regarded
this, Strap had crept under the bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so that it
was with great difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and prevailed on
him to awake the pedlar, and inform him of what he had seen and heard.
 The itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the shoulder,
than he started up, called, as loud as he could, “Thieves, thieves! Lord have
mercy upon us!” And Rifle, alarmed at this exclamation, jumped up, cocked one
of his pistols, and turned towards the door to kill the first man that should enter;
for he verily believed himself beset: when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit
of laughter, persuaded him that the poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had only
cried out in his sleep.
Meanwhile, my comrade had undeceived our fellow-lodger, and informed him
of his reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly, he peeped
through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, that, falling down on his
bare knees, he put up a long petition to Heaven to deliver him from the hands of
that ruffian, and promised never to defraud a customer for the future of the value
of a pin’s point, provided he might be rescued from the present danger. Whether
or not his disburthening his conscience afforded him any ease I knew not, but he
slipped into bed again, and lay very quiet until the robber and his mistress were
asleep, and snored in concert; then, rising softly, he untied a rope that was round
his pack, which making fast to one end of it, he opened the window with as little
noise as possible, and lowered his goods into the yard with great dexterity: then
he moved gently to our bedside and bade us farewell, telling us that, as we ran
no risk we might take our rest with great confidence, and in the morning assure
the landlord that we knew nothing of his escape, and, lastly, shaking us by the
hands, and wishing us all manner of success, he let himself drop from the
window without any danger, for the ground was not above a yard from his feet
as he hung on the outside.
Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was not at all
free from apprehension when I reflected on what might be the effect of the
highwayman’s disappointment; as he certainly intended to make free with the
pedlar’s ware. Neither was my companion at more ease in his mind, but on the
contrary, so possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that he solicited me
strongly to follow our countryman’s example, and so elude the fatal resentment
of that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak his vengeance on us as
accomplices of the pedlar’s elopement. But I represented to him the danger of
giving Rifle cause to think we know his profession, and suggested that, if ever he
should meet us again on the road, he would look upon us as dangerous
acquaintance, and find it his interest to put us out of the way. I told him, withal,
my confidence in Betty’s good nature, in which he acquiesced; and during the
remaining part of the night we concerted a proper method of behaviour, to render
us unsuspected in the morning.
It was no sooner day than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving our
window open, cried out, “Odds-bobs! sure you Scotchmen must have hot
constitutions to lie all night with the window open in such cold weather.” I
feigned to start out of sleep, and, withdrawing the curtain, called, “What’s the
matter?” When she showed me, I affected surprise, and said, “Bless me! the
window was shut when we went to bed.” “I’ll be hanged,” said she, “if Sawney
Waddle, the pedlar, has not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very
obstropulous in his sleep.—Sure I put a chamberpot under his bed!”
With these words she advanced to the bed, in which he lay, and, finding the
sheets cold, exclaimed, “Good lackadaisy! The rogue is fled.” “Fled,” cried I,
with feigned amazement, “God forbid! Sure he has not robbed us!” Then,
springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied all my loose money into
my hand; which having reckoned, I said, “Heaven be praised, our money is all
safe! Strap, look to the knapsack.” He did so, and found all was right. Upon
which we asked, with seeming concern, if he had stolen nothing belonging to the
house. “No, no,” replied she, “he has stole nothing but his reckoning;” which, it
seems, this pious pedlar had forgot to discharge in the midst of his devotion.
Betty, after a moment’s pause withdrew, and immediately we could hear her
waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle’s flight than he jumped out of bed
and dressed, venting a thousand execrations, and vowing to murder the pedlar if
ever he should set eyes on him again: “For,” said he “the scoundrel has by this
time raised the hue and cry against me.”
Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for that time rid
us of his company and a thousand fears that were the consequence of it.
While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all the cunning she was
mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our fellow-lodger, whom we
saw take horse; but, as we were on our guard, we answered her sly questions
with a simplicity she could not distrust; when, all of a sudden, we heard the
trampling of a horse’s feet at the door. This noise alarmed Strap so much, whose
imagination was wholly engrossed by the image of Rifle, that, with a
countenance as pale as milk, he cried, “O Lord! there is the highwayman
returned!”
Our landlady, staring at these words, said, “What highwayman, young man?
Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?”
Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in Strap, I
had presence of mind enough to tell her we had met a horseman the day before,
whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman, because he rode with
pistols; and that he had been terrified at the sound of a horse’s feet ever since.
She forced a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade; but I could
perceive, not without great concern, that this account was not at all satisfactory
to her.
 CHAPTER IX

We proceed on our Journey—are overtaken by a Highwayman

who fires at Strap—is prevented from shooting me by a
Company of Horsemen, who ride in pursuit of him—Strap is put
to Bed at an Inn—Adventures at that Inn

After having paid our score and taken leave of our hostess, who embraced me
tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing ourselves that we had
come off so well. We had not walked above five miles, when we observed a man
on horseback galloping after us, whom we in a short time recognised to be no
other than this formidable hero who had already given us so much vexation. He
stopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was? My astonishment had
disconcerted me so much that I did not hear his question, which he repeated with
a volley of oaths and threats; but I remained as mute as before.
Strap, seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud, uttering, with
a lamentable voice, these words: “For Christ’s sake, have mercy upon us, Mr.
Rifle! we know you very well.” “Oho!” cried the thief, “you do! But you never
shall be evidence against me in this world, you dog!” So saying, he drew a
pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the ground
without speaking one word.
My comrade’s fate and my own situation riveted me to the place where I
stood, deprived of all sense and reflection; so that I did not make the least
attempt either to run away or deprecate the wrath of this barbarian, who snapped
a second pistol at me; but, before he had time to prime again, perceiving a
company of horsemen coming up, he rode off, and left me standing motionless
as a statue, in which posture I was found by those whose appearance had saved
my life. This company consisted of three men in livery, well armed, with an
officer, who (as I afterwards learned,) was the person from whom Rifle had taken
the pocket pistols the day before; and who, making known his misfortune to a
nobleman he met on the road, and assuring him his non-resistance was altogether
owing to his consideration for the ladies in the coach, procured the assistance of
his lordship’s servants to go in quest of the plunderer. This holiday captain
scampered up to me with great address, and asked who fired the pistol which he
had heard.
As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer, observed a
body lying on the ground, at which sight his colour changed, and he pronounced,
with a faltering tongue, “Gentlemen, here’s murder committed! Let us alight.”
“No, no,” said one of his followers, “let us rather pursue the murderer. Which
way went he, young man?”
By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them that he could not be
a quarter of a mile before; and to beg one of them to assist me in conveying the
corpse of my friend to the next house, in order to it being interred. The captain,
foreseeing that, in case he should pursue, he must soon come to action, began to
curb his horse, and gave him the spur at the same time, which treatment making
the creature rear up and snort, he called out, his horse was frightened, and would
not proceed; at the same time wheeling him round and round, stroking his neck,
whistling and wheedling him with “Sirrah, sirrah—gently, gently.” etc. “Z—
ds!”, cried one of the servants, “sure my lord’s Sorrel is not resty!”
With these words he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel, disdaining
the rein sprang forward with the captain at a pace that would have soon brought
him up with the robber, had not the girtle (happily for him) given way, by which
means he landed in the dirt; and two of his attendants continued their pursuit,
without minding his situation. Meanwhile one of the three who remained at my
desire, turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound which had killed
him, found him still warm and breathing: upon which, I immediately let him
blood, and saw him, with inexpressible joy, recover; he having received no other
wound than what his fear had inflicted. Having raised him upon his legs, we
walked together to an inn, about half a mile from the place, where Strap, who
was not quite recovered, went to bed; and in a little time the third servant
returned with the captain’s horse and furniture, leaving him to crawl after as well
as he could.
This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously of the
bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the recommendation of the servant, who
warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for which service he
rewarded me with half-a-crown.
The time between this event and dinner I passed in observing a game at cards
between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty gown and
cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate of a neighbouring parish. It
was easy to perceive that the match was not equal; and that the two farmers, who
were partners, had to do with a couple of sharpers, who stripped them of all their
cash in a very short time. But what surprised me very much, was to hear this
clergyman reply to one of the countrymen, who seemed to suspect foul play, in
these words: “D—n me, friend, d’ye question my honour?”
I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a character
frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the indecency of his
behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and the bawdy songs which he
sung. At last, to make amends in some sort, for the damage he had done to the
unwary boors, he pulled out a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and, promising
to treat them at dinner, began to play most melodiously, singing in concert all the
while. This good humour of this parson inspired the company with so much glee
that the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all present went to dancing in the
yard.
While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying a
horseman a riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out, “Gad so!
gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there’s our dog of a doctor coming into the inn.”
He immediately commended his instrument, and ran towards the gate, where he
took hold of the vicar’s bridle, and helped him off, inquiring very cordially into
the state of his health.
This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty, having
alighted and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with great solemnity,
into the kitchen, where sitting down by the fire, he called for a bottle of ale and a
pipe; scarce deigning an answer to the submissive questions of those who
inquired about the welfare of his family. While he indulged himself in this state,
amidst a profound silence, the curate, approaching him with great reverence,
asked him if he would not be pleased to honour him with his company at dinner?
To which interrogation he answered in the negative, saying, he had been to visit
Squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at the last assizes; and
that he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he should dine at home.
Accordingly when he had made an end of his bottle and pipe, he rose, and
moved with prelatical dignity to the door, where his journeyman stood ready
with his nag. He had no sooner mounted than the facetious curate, coming into
the kitchen, held forth in this manner: “There the old rascal goes, and the d—l go
with him. You see how the world wags, gentlemen. By gad, this rogue of a vicar
does not deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth four hundred pounds
per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty miles
every Sunday to preach—for what? why, truly, for twenty pounds a year. I scorn
to boast of my own qualifications but—comparisons are odious. I should be glad
to know how this wag-bellied doctor deserves to be more at ease than me. He
can loll in his elbow chair at home, indulge himself in the best of victuals and
wine and enjoy the conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You understand me,
gentlemen. Betty is the doctor’s poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is; but no
matter for that; ay, and dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits regularly
every year, though I must own I could never learn in what county they live, My
service t’ye, gentlemen.”
By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate
altogether with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and every man’s
share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence of some
necessary occasion, and, mounting his house, left the two farmers to satisfy the
host in the best manner they could. We were no sooner informed of this piece of
finesse, than the exciseman, who had been silent hitherto, began to open with a
malicious grin: “Ay, ay this is an old trick of Shuffle; I could not help smiling
when he talked of treating. You must know this is a very curious fellow. He
picked up some scraps of learning while he served young Lord Trifte at the
university. But what he most excels in is pimping. No one knows his talents
better than I, for I was valet-de-chambre to Squire Tattle an intimate companion
of Shuffle’s lord. He got him self into a scrape by pawning some of his
lordship’s clothes on which account he was turned away; but, as he was
acquainted with some particular circumstances of my lord’s conduct, he did not
care to exasperate him too much, and so made interest for his receiving orders,
and afterwards recommended him to the curacy which he now enjoys. However,
the fellow cannot be too much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable
livelihood, in spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick,
and is really diverting company; these qualifications make him agreeable
wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards there is not a man within three
counties for him. The truth is, he is a d—able cheat, and can shift a card with
such address that it is impossible to discover him.”
Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked, why he had not
justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before they engaged in
play. The exciseman replied, without any hesitation, that it was none of his
business to intermeddle between man and man; besides, he did not know they
were ignorant of Shuffle’s character, which was notorious to the whole country.
This did not satisfy the other, who taxed him with abetting and assisting the
curate’s knavery, and insisted on having his share of the winnings returned; this
demand the exciseman as positively refused affirming that, whatever sleights
Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he was very certain that he had played
on the square with them, and would answer it before any bench in Christendom;
so saying, he got up and, having paid his reckoning, sneaked off.
The Landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was gone, shook
his head, saying, “Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner was to have his deserts.
Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the excisemen. But I know what; if
parson Shuffle and he were weighed together, a straw thrown into either scale
would make the balance kick the beam. But, masters, this is under the rose,”
continued Boniface with a whisper.
 CHAPTER X

The Highwayman is taken—we are detained as Evidence against

him—proceed to the next village—he escapes—we arrive at
another inn, where we go to Bed—in the Night we are awaked
by a dreadful Adventure—next night we lodge at the house of a
Schoolmaster—our Treatment there

Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a crowd
on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all the way. As it
approached, we could discern a man on horseback in the middle, with his hands
tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle. The highwayman, not being
so well mounted as the two servants who went in pursuit of him, was soon
overtaken, and, after having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without any
further opposition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations
of the country people, to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopped
at our inn to join their companions and take refreshment.
When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle of
peasants, armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful dejected
fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours before filled me with such
terror and confusion. My companion was so much encouraged by this alteration
in his appearance that, going up to the thief, he presented his clenched fists to his
nose, and declared he would either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea,
which he immediately produced, and began to strip, but was dissuaded from this
adventure by me, who represented to him the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle
was now in the hands of justice, which would, no doubt, give us all satisfaction
enough.
But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity was our being detained
by the captors, as evidence against him, when we were just going to set forward.
However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to comply, and accordingly
joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the same road that we had proposed
to follow. About the twilight we arrived at the place of our destination, but as the
justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the country, with whom (we understood)
he would probably stay all night, the robber was confined in an empty garret,
three stories high, from which it seemed impossible for him to escape; this,
nevertheless, was the case; for next morning when they went up stairs to bring
him before the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at the window upon
the roof from whence he continued his route along the tops of the adjoining
houses, and entered another garret where he skulked until the family were
asleep; at which time he ventured down stairs, and let himself out by the street-
door, which was open.
This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him, who
were flushed with the hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy, as I was
permitted now to continue my journey, without any further molestation.
Resolving to make up for the small progress we had hitherto made, we this day
travelled with great vigour and before night reached a market town twenty miles
from the place from whence we set out in the morning, without meeting any
adventure worth notice. Here having taken up our lodging at an an inn, I found
myself so fatigued that I began to despair of performing our journey on foot, and
desired Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return horses, or any cheap
carriage in this place, to depart for London next day. He was informed that the
waggon from Newcastle to London had halted there two nights ago, and that it
would be an easy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest, the day
after the next. This piece of news gave us some satisfaction; and, after having
made a hearty supper on hashed mutton, we were shown to our room, which
contained two beds, the one allotted for us, and the other for a very honest
gentleman, who, we were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have
very well dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this
disposition, as there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly
went to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About two or
three o’clock in the morning I was awaked out of a very profound sleep by a
dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw me into an agony of
consternation, when I heard these words pronounced with a terrible voice:
“Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts of him that’s next you, and I’ll
blow the other’s brains out presently.”
This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap than, starting
out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and overturned him in an
instant; at the same time bawling out, “Fire! murder! fire!” a cry which in a
moment alarmed the whole house, and filled our chamber with a crowd of naked
people. When lights were brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon
appeared; which was no other than a fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the
floor, scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment at the
concourse of apparitions that surrounded him.
This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, having listed
two country fellows over night, dreaded they had mutinied, and threatened to
murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This made such an
impression on his imagination, that he got up in his sleep and expressed himself
as above. When our apprehension of danger vanished, the company beheld one
another with great surprise and mirth; but what attracted the notice of everyone
was our landlady, with nothing on her but her shift and a large pair of buckskin
breeches, with the backside before, which she had slipped on in the hurry, and
her husband with her petticoat about his shoulders; one had wrapped himself in a
blanket, another was covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who had given his
only shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo with a bolster rolled about his
middle.
When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment, the
sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept without any further
disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, paid our reckoning,
and set forward in expectation of overtaking the waggon; in which hope,
however, we were disappointed for that day. As we exerted ourselves more than
usual, I found myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a small village
in the twilight. We inquired for a public-house, and were directed to one of a
very sorry appearance. At our entrance the landlord, who seemed to be a
venerable old man, with long gray hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire in
a very neat paved kitchen, and with a cheerful countenance accosted us in these
words: “Salvete, pueri. Ingredimini.” I was not a little pleased to hear our host
speak Latin, because I was in hope of recommending myself to him by my
knowledge in that language; I therefore answered, without hesitation, “Dissolve
frigus, ligna super foco—large reponens.” I had no sooner pronounced these
words, than the old gentleman, running towards me, shook me by the hand,
crying, “Fili mi dilectissime! unde venis?—a superis, ni fallor?” In short, finding
we were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard
enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel who was his sole
domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum, repeating from Horace at the
same time, “Deprome quadrimum sabina, O Tholiarche, merum diota.” This was
excellent ale of his own brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora
four years old, for the use of himself and friends.
In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of Latin,
we understood that this facetious person was a schoolmaster, whose income
being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for the entertainment of
passengers by which he made shift to make the two ends of the year meet. “I am
this day,” said he, “the happiest old fellow in his majesty’s dominions. My wife,
rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is to be married next week; but the two
chief pleasures of my life are these (pointing to the bottle and a large edition of
Horace that lay on the table). I am old, ’tis true—what then? the more reason I
should enjoy the small share of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus advises:
‘Tu ne quaesieris (scire nefas) quem mihi, quem tibi finem dii dederint. Carpe
diem, quam minimum credula postero.’”
As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of
acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned, he enriched us
with advices how to behave in the world, telling us that he was no stranger to the
deceits of mankind. In the meantime he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the
fire for supper, for he was resolved this night to regale his friends—permittens
divis caetera. While our entertainment was preparing, our host recounted the
adventures of his own life, which, as they contained nothing remarkable, I
forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and drunk several bottles
of his I expressed a desire of going to rest, which was with some difficulty
complied with, after he had informed us that we should overtake the waggon by
noon next day; and that there was room enough in it for half-a-dozen, for there
were only four passengers as yet in that convenience.
 Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about the
good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his benevolence,
that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our lodging and
entertainment. “Don’t you observe,” said he, “that he has conceived a particular
affection for us—nay, even treated us at supper with extraordinary fare, which,
to be sure, we should not of ourselves have called for?”
I was partly of Strap’s opinion; but the experience I had of the world made me
suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes, we breakfasted
with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale, and desired to know
what we had to pay. “Biddy will let you know, gentlemen,” said he; “for I never
mind these matters. Money matters are beneath the concern of one who lives
upon the Horatian plan—Crescentum sequitur cura pecuniam.” Meanwhile,
Biddy, having consulted a slate that hung in the corner, told us our reckoning
came to 8s. 7d. “Eight shillings and seven pence!” cried Strap, “’tis impossible!
you must be mistaken, young woman.” “Reckon again, child,” says her father,
very deliberately; “perhaps you have miscounted.” “No, indeed,” replied she, “I
know my business better.” I could contain my indignation no longer, but said it
was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars; upon which
the old man got up, muttering, “Ay, ay, let us see the particulars—that’s but
reasonable.” And, taking pen, ink, and paper, wrote the following items:
To bread and beer 06
To a fowl and sausages 26
To four bottles of quadrim 2 0
To fire and tobacco 07
To lodging 20
To breakfast 10
——
87
As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a sort of
veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was not in my power
to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore, I contented myself with saying I was
sure he did not learn to be an extortioner from Horace. He answered, I was but a
young man and did not know the world, or I would not tax him with extortion,
whose only aim was to live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies.
My fellow traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition; but swore he
should either take one-third of the money or go without. While we were engaged
in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and, conjecturing the occasion,
immediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done than Biddy
returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their
morning draught, but in reality to frighten us into compliance. Just as we
departed, Strap, who was half-distracted on account of this piece of expense,
went up to the schoolmaster, and, grinning in his face, pronounced with great
emphasis—“Semper avarus eget.” To which the pedant replied, with a malicious
smile—“Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat.”
 CHAPTER XI
We descry the Waggon—get into it—arrive at an inn—our
Fellow Travellers described—a Mistake is committed by Strap,
which produces strange things

We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being

engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily exposed, and the
contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to diminish. At length,
Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me thus: “Well, fools and their
money are soon parted. If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint should
have been d—n’d before he had got more than the third of his demand. ’Tis a
sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander it away in this
manner. Ah! God help you, how many bristly beards must I have mowed before
I earned four shillings and threepence-halfpenny, which is all thrown to the
dogs! How many days have I sat weaving hair till my toes were numbed by the
cold, my fingers cramped, and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that
hung over the door! What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to
box with any one of those fellows who came in for a guinea—I’m sure—I have
beat stouter men than either of them.” And, indeed, my companion would have
fought anybody when his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal aversion to
fire-arms and all instruments of death. In order to appease him, I assured him no
part of this extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which
declaration he was affronted, and told me he would have me to know that,
although he was a poor barber’s boy, yet he had a soul to spend big money with
the best squire of the land.
Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a refreshment, we
descried, toward the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the waggon about a
quarter of a mile before us; and, by that time we reached it, were both of us so
weary that I verily believe it would have been impracticable for us to have
walked one mile farther. We, therefore, bargained with the driver, whose name
was Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which place we
should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of
the journey.
Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder,
Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he was getting
in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words: “God’s fury! there shall
no passengers come here.” The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this
exclamation, which both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant,
that he descended with great velocity and a countenance as white as paper. Joey,
perceiving our astonishment, called, with an arch sneer, “Waunds, coptain, whay
woant yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny? Coom, coom, young
man, get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain; I’se not afeard of the coptain.”
This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be prevailed
upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not without a quaking
heart, when I heard the same voice muttering, like distant thunder—“Hell and
the devil confound me, if I don’t make you smart for this!” However, I crept in,
and by accident got an empty place in the straw, which I immediately took
possession of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in
the dark. Strap following, with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the
other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the stomach of the
captain, who bellowed out, in a most dreadful manner, “Blood and thunder!
where’s my sword?” At these words my frighted comrade started up, and, at one
spring, bounced against me with such force that I thought he was the supposed
son of Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the meantime a female voice
cried, “Bless me! what is the matter, my dear?” “The matter,” replied the
captain, “d—n my blood! my guts are squeezed into a pancake by that
Scotchman’s hump.” Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him
pardon, and laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of the
waggon; and the woman who spoke before went on: “Ay, ay, my dear, it is our
own fault; we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with. I
thank God I never travelled so before. I am sure if my lady or Sir John were to
know where we are they would not sleep this night for vexation. I wish to God
we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall never be forgiven.” “Come, come,
my dear,” replied the captain, “it don’t signify fretting now; we shall laugh it
over as a frolic; I hope you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord
very merry with our adventures in this diligence.”
The discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady that I
durst not venture to join in the conversation; but immediately after another
female voice began: “Some people give themselves a great many needless airs;
better folks than any here have travelled in waggons before now. Some of us
have rode in coaches and chariots, with three footmen behind them, without
making so much fuss about it. What then? We are now all upon a footing;
therefore let us be sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is not this a good
motion, you doting rogue? Speak, you old cent per cent fornicator? What
desperate debt are you thinking of? What mortgage are you planning? Well,
Isaac, positively you shall never gain my favour till you turn over a new leaf,
grow honest, and live like a gentleman. In the meantime give me a kiss, you old
fumbler.” These words, accompanied with a hearty smack, enlivened the person
to whom they were addressed to such a degree that he cried, in transport, though
with a faltering voice, “Ah! you wanton baggage—upon my credit, you are a
waggish girl—he, he, he!” This laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost
suffocated the poor usurer (such we afterwards found was the profession of this
our fellow-traveller).
About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such time as
we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted from the waggon, I
had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in order as they entered. The first
who appeared was a brisk, airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver-laced
hat on her head instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit, trimmed with silver very
much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her came, limping, an old man,
with a worsted nightcap buttoned under his chin, and a broad-brimmed hat
slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, under which
appeared a brown surtout, that covered a threadbare coat and waistcoat, and, as
he afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared,
and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his gums were
destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his chin peaked and prominent,
so that, when he mumped or spoke, they approached one another like a pair of
nutcrackers: he supported himself on an ivory-headed cane and his whole figure
was a just emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised,
when I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin creature, about
the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very much resembling that of a
baboon, through the upper part of which two little gray eyes peeped: he wore his
own hair in a queue that reached to his rump, which immoderate length, I
suppose, was the occasion of a baldness that appeared on the crown of his head
when he deigned to take off his hat, which was very much of the size and cock
of Pistol’s.
Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help admiring the extraordinary
make of this man of war: he was about five feet and three inches high, sixteen
inches of which went to his face and long scraggy neck: his thighs were about
six inches in length, his legs resembling spindles or drumsticks, five feet and a
half, and his body, which put me in mind of extension without substance,
engrossed the remainder: so that on the whole, he appeared like a spider or
grasshopper erect, and was almost a vox et praeterea nihil. His dress consisted of
a frock of what is called bearskin, the skirts of which were about half a foot
long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches reaching half way down his thighs,
worsted stockings rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at
least two inches high; he carried a sword very near as long as himself in one
hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who seemed to be a woman of his
own age, and still retained some remains of an agreeable person, but so
ridiculously affected, that, had I not been a novice in the world, I might have
easily perceived in her the deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady’s
woman.
We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that was his
name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse, and told the landlord
they would up by themselves. The innkeeper replied that he could not afford
them a room by themselves; and as for supping, he had prepared victuals for the
passengers in the waggon, without respect of persons, but if he could prevail on
the rest to let him have his choice in a separate manner, he should be very well
pleased. This was no sooner said than all of us declared against the proposal, and
Miss Jenny (our other female passenger), observed that, if Captain Weazel and
his lady had a mind to sup by themselves, they might wait until we should have
done. At this hint the captain put on a martial frown, and looked very big,
without speaking; while his yokefellow, with a disdainful toss of her nose,
muttered something about “Creature!” which Miss Jenny overhearing, stepped
up to her, saying, “None of your names, good Mrs. Abigail. Creature, quotha—
I’ll assure you no such creature as you neither—no ten-pound sneaker—no
quality-coupler.” Here the captain interposed, with a “D—e, madam, what do
you mean by that?” “D—n you sir, who are you?” replied Miss Jenny, “who
made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler? ’Sdeath! the
army is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get commissions. What, I
suppose you think I don’t know you? Egad, you and your helpmate are well met
—a cast-off mistress and a bald valet-de-chambre are well yoked together.”
“Blood and wounds!” cried Weazel, “d’ye question the honour of my wife,
madam? Hell and d-ion! No man in England durst say so much—I would flay
him, carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would have his liver for my
supper.” So saying, he drew his sword and flourished with it, to the great terror
of Strap; while Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers, told him she did not value his
resentment a louse.
In the midst of this quarrel the master of the waggon alighted, who,
understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and his lady
would take umbrage and leave his carriage, was at great pains to have everything
made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat down to supper altogether.
At bedtime we were shown to our apartments; the old usurer, Strap, and I, to one
room; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to another. About midnight, my
companion’s bowels being disordered, he got up, in order to go backward, but in
his return, mistaking one door for another, entered Weazel’s chamber, and
without any hesitation went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep, the captain
being at another end of the room groping for some empty vessel, in lieu of his
own chamberpot, which was leaky: as he did not perceive Strap coming in, he
went towards his own bed, after having found a convenience; but no sooner did
he feel a rough head, covered with a cotton nightcap, than it came into his mind
that he had mistaken Miss Jenny’s bed instead of his own, and that the head he
felt was that of some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of
his conjecture, and scandalised at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatched
up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at once on the astonished
barber and his own wife, who waking at that instant, broke forth into lamentable
cries, which not only alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frighted poor
Strap almost out of his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched,
especially when the incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of
oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of
his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say nothing
but—“I take God to witness she’s a virgin for me.”
Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle through the precipitation
of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of her shoe which she found
by the bedside, belaboured the captain’s bald pate till he roared “Murder.” “I’ll
teach you to empty your stinkpots on me,” cried she, “you pitiful hop-o’-my-
thumb coxcomb. What, I warrant you’re jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this
I condescended to take you to my bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig?”
The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the waggon
and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed with great satisfaction. In
the meantime we were alarmed with the cry of “Rape! Murder! Rape!” which
Jenny pronounced with great vociferation. “Oh! You vile abominable old
villain,” said she, “would you rob me of my virtue? But I’ll be revenged of you,
you old goat! I will! Help! for heaven’s sake! help! I shall be ravished! ruined!
help!” Some servants of the inn, hearing this cry, came running upstairs with
lights, and such weapons as chance afforded; when we beheld a very diverting
scene. In one corner stood the poor captain shivering in his shirt, which was all
torn to rags: with a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife, who had by
this time wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing on the side of her
bed. At the other end lay the old usurer, sprawling on Miss Jenny’s bed, with his
flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air;
while she held him fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When
he asked what was the matter, she affected to weep, told us she was afraid that
wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of what we
saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor wretch
looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released; a favour which
he had no sooner obtained than he protested she was no woman, but a devil
incarnate—that she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed him.
“Yes, cockatrice,” continued he, “you know you laid this snare for me—but you
shan’t succeed—for I will hang myself before you shall get a farthing of me.” So
saying, he crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way. We then advanced to
the Captain, who told us, “Gentlemen, here has been a d—d mistake; but I’ll be
revenged on him who was the cause of it. That Scotchman who carries the
knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My
dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible, I could mean no harm to
you.” “I know not what you meant,” replied she, sighing, “but I know I have got
enough to send me to my grave.” At length they were reconciled. The wife was
complimented with a share of Miss Jenny’s bed (her own being overflowed), and
the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining part of the night
with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having stolen
away in the dark while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads.
 CHAPTER XII

Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat—an

Affair between the Captain and me—the Usurer is fain to give
Miss Jenny five Guineas for a Release—we are in Danger of
losing a Meal—the Behaviour of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on
that Occasion—an Account of Captain Weazel and his Lady—
the Captain’s Courage tried—Isaac’s mirth at the Captain’s
Expense

Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings for my
passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my place when I
should be disposed to walk. At the same time I desired him to appease the
incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in his hand,
and threatened with many oaths to sacrifice the villain who attempted to violate
his bed; but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the mistake, and
assure him of the poor lad’s innocence, who stood trembling behind me all the
while: the more submission that appeared in Strap, the more implacable seemed
the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him or he would
instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this insolence, and told
him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the
sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with
him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by saying, “he would
box with him for a guinea.” Weazel replied with a look of disdain, that it was
beneath any gentleman of his character to fight like a porter, or even to put
himself on a footing, in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. “Odds
bodikins!” cries Joey, “sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here’s a
poor lad that is willing to make atonement for his offence; and an that woan’t
satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan’t box, I dare say, he will
coodgel with yaw. Woan’t yaw, my lad?” Strap, after some hesitation, answered,
“Yes, yes, I’ll cudgel with him.” But this expedient being also rejected by the
captain, I began to smell his character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told the
captain that I had always heard it said, the person who receives a challenge
should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of
honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my companion, that he would
even fight Captain Weazel at sharps; but it should be with such sharps as Strap
was best acquainted with, namely, razors. At my mentioning razors: I could
perceive the captain’s colour change while Strap, pulling me by the sleeve,
whispered with great eagerness: “No, no, no; for the love of God, don’t make
any such bargain.” At length, Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me,
and with a ferocious countenance asked, “Who the devil are you? Will you fight
me?” With these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at
seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and, springing to one
side, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-corner, with which I kept my
formidable adversary at bay, who made a great many half-longes, skipping
backward at every push, till at last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no small
diversion of the company. While he was in this situation his wife entered, and,
seeing her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful scream:
in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was immediately
granted; and at last was contented with the submission of Strap, who, falling on
his knees before him, protested the innocence of his intention, and asked pardon
for the mistake he had committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed,
we went to breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny and
the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake
all night with her groans; and that when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was
so much indisposed that she could not proceed on her journey. At that instant, a
message came from her to the master of the waggon, who immediately went into
her chamber, followed by us all. She told him in a lamentable tone, that she was
afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the fright she received last night from the
brutality of Isaac; and, as the event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be
detained to answer for the consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was
found in the waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night’s
disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner appeared than
she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she died, she would
leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and
hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from the machinations of
that Jezebel; and assured us, with tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed
with her was the result of her own invitation. The waggoner, understanding the
case, advised Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of money: to which advice
he replied with great vehemence, “A sum of money!—a halter for the
cockatrice!” “Oh! ’tis very well,” said Miss Jenny; “I see it is in vain to attempt
that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to go to the justice, and
tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see him on an affair of
consequence.” At the name of justice Isaac trembled, and bidding Joey stay,
asked with a quavering voice, “What she would have? She told him that, as he
had not perpetrated his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied with a small
matter. And though the damage she might sustain in her health might be
irreparable, she would give him a release for a hundred guineas.” “A hundred
guineas!” cried he in an ecstacy, “a hundred furies! Where should a poor old
wretch like me have a hundred guineas? If I had so much money, d’ya think I
should be found travelling in a waggon, at this season of the year?” “Come,
come,” replied Jenny, “none of your miserly artifice here. You think I don’t
know Isaac Rapine, the money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many
a pawn have you had of me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed.”
Isaac, finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shillings for a
discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds: at last, however, she
was brought down to five, which he paid with great reluctancy, rather than be
prosecuted for a rape. After which accommodation, the sick person made a shift
to get into the waggon, and we set forward in great tranquillity; Strap being
accommodated with Joey’s horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. The
morning and forenoon we were entertained with an account of the valour of
Captain Weazel, who told us he had once knocked down a soldier that made
game of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who found fault with his picking his
teeth with a fork, at another time; and that he had moreover challenged a
cheesemonger, who had the presumption to be his rival: for the truth of which
exploits he appealed to his wife. She confirmed whatever he said, and observed,
“The last affair happened that very day on which I received a love-letter from
Squire Gobble, and don’t you remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that
very night with eating ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my
complexion’s being altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh
fainted?” “Yes, my dear,” replied the captain, “you know my lord said to me,
with a sneer, ‘Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.’ And I answered
cavalierly, ‘My lord, I wish I could return the compliment.’ Upon which the
whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my lord, who
loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me.” We travelled in this manner
five days, without interruption or meeting anything worth notice: Miss Jenny,
who soon recovered her spirits, entertaining us every day with diverting songs,
of which she could sing a great number; and rallying her own gallant, who,
notwithstanding, would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we
were about to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that three
gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to their apartment,
although he had informed them that they were bespoke by the passengers in the
waggon. To which information they had replied, “the passengers in the waggon
might be d—d, their betters must be served before them; they supposed it would
be no hardship on such travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.”
This was a terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how
to remedy it; when Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by
profession a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being
insulted. But the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not for all the world
be known to have travelled in a waggon! swearing at the same time, that could
he appear with honour, they should eat his sword sooner than his provision.
Upon this declaration, Miss Jenny, snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran
immediately into the kitchen, where she threatened to put the cook to death if he
did not send the victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise she made
brought the three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her than he
cried, “Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?” “My dear Jack
Rattle!” replied she, running into his arms, “is it you? Then Weazel may go to
hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you.”
They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were on the
point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey, understanding
the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in his hand, and swore he
would be the death of any man who should pretend to seize the victuals prepared
for the waggon. The menace had like to have produced fatal consequences; the
three strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by their servants, and we
ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; when the landlord, interposing, offered to
part with his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers;
and we sat down at table without any further molestation. In the afternoon, I
chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place. Having entered into a
conversation with this driver, I soon found him to be a merry, facetious, good-
natured fellow, and withal very arch; he informed me, that Miss Jenny was a
common girl upon the town, who, falling into company with a recruiting officer,
he carried her down in the stage coach from London to Newcastle, where he had
been arrested for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return
to her former way of life, by this conveyance. He told me likewise, that one of
the gentleman’s servants, who were left at the inn, having accidentally seen
Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey with some particulars of
his character. That he had served my Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre
many years, while he lived separate from his lady; but, upon their reconciliation,
she expressly insisted upon Weazel’s being turned off, as well as the woman he
kept: when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed that
he should marry his Mistress, and he would procure a commission for him in the
army: this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is now, by his lordship’s interest,
ensigned in —’s regiment. I found he and I had the same sentiments with regard
to Weazel’s courage, which he resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the
passengers with the cry of a ‘highwayman!’ as soon as a horseman should
appear.
This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried a man on
horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the people in the
waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed than a general consternation
arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid himself behind a hedge. The
usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw, which made
us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands
uttered lamentable cries: and the captain, to our great amazement, began to
snore; but this artifice did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the
shoulder, bawled out, “Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are
going to be robbed? Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of
honour!” Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and
swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded
him. “D—n my blood! what are you afraid of?” continued he; at the same time
trembling with such agitation that the whole carriage shook. This singular piece
of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much that she cried, “D—n your pitiful
soul, you are as arrant a poltroon, as ever was drummed out of a regiment. Stop
the waggon, Joey—let me out, and by G—d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief
shall not only take your purse, but your skin also.” So saying she leaped out with
great agility. By this time the horseman came up and happened to be a
gentleman’s servant well known to Joey, who communicated the scheme, and
desired him to carry it on a little further, by going into the waggon, and
questioning those within. The stranger, consenting for the sake of diversion,
approached it, and in a terrible tone demanded, “Who have we got here?” Isaac
replied, with a lamentable voice, “Here’s a poor miserable sinner, who has got a
small family to maintain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen
shillings which if you rob me of we must all starve together.” “Who’s that
sobbing in the other corner?” said the supposed highwayman. “A poor
unfortunate woman,” answered Mrs. Weazle, “upon whom I beg you, for
Christ’s sake, to have compassion.” “Are you maid or wife,” said he. “Wife, to
my sorrow,” said she. “Who, or where is your husband?” continued he. “My
husband,” replied Mrs. Weazel, “is an officer in the army and was left sick at the
last inn where we dined.” “You must be mistaken, madam,” said he, “for I
myself saw him get into the waggon this afternoon. But pray what smell is that?
Sure your lapdog has befouled himself; let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I’ll
teach him better manners.” Here he laid hold of one of Weazel’s legs, and pulled
him out from under his wife’s petticoat, where he had concealed himself. The
poor trembling captain, being detected in his inglorious situation, rubbed his
eyes, and affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, “What’s the matter? What’s the
matter?” “The matter is not much,” answered the horseman; “I only called in to
inquire after your health, and so adieu, most noble captain.” He clapped spurs to
his horse, and was out of sight in a moment.
It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length
reassuming the big look, he said, “D—n the fellow! why did he ride away before
I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do? Don’t you remember Tom, my
dear?” addressing himself to his wife. “Yes,” replied she, “I think I do remember
something of the fellow, but you know I seldom converse with people of his
station.” “Hey-day!” cried Joey, “do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?”
“Know him,” said Weazel, “many a time has he filled a glass of Burgundy for
me, at my Lord Trippett’s table.” “And what may his name be, coptain?” said
Joey. “His name!—his name,” replied Weazel, “is Tom Rinser.” “Waunds,” cried
Joey, “a has changed his own neame then! for I’se lay a wager he was christened
John Trotter.” This observation raised a laugh against the captain, who seemed
very much disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and said, “It is no matter who
or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we suspected, and we ought
to bless God for our narrow escape.” “Bless God,” said Weazel, “bless the devil!
for what? Had he been a highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, body, and
guts, before he had robbed me, or any one in this diligence.” “Ha, ha, ha,” cried
Miss Jenny, “I believe you will eat all you kill, indeed, captain.” The usurer was
so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he could not refrain from
being severe, and took notice that Captain Weazel seemed to be a good
Christian, for he had armed himself with patience and resignation, instead of
carnal weapons; and worked out his salvation with fear and trembling. This
piece of satire occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel’s expense, who
muttered a great many oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac’s throat. The usurer,
taking hold of this menace, said, “Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to
witness, that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer; I’ll have him
bound over to the peace.” This second sneer produced another laugh against him,
and he remained crestfallen during the remaining part of our journey.
 CHAPTER XIII

Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition—Strap’s Conjecture—

the Mystery explained by Joey—we arrive in London—our
Dress and Appearance described—we are insulted in the Street
—an Adventure in an Alehouse—we are imposed upon by a
waggish Footman—set to rights by a Tobacconist—take
Lodgings—dive for a Dinner—an Accident at our Ordinary

We arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap’s distemper
continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and taking the
candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the purpose, he went down to
the house of office, whence in a short time he returned in a great hurry, with his
hair standing on end, and a look betokening horror and astonishment. Without
speaking a word, he set down the light and jumped into bed behind me, where he
lay and trembled with great violence. When I asked him what was the matter, he
replied, with a broken accent, “God have mercy on us! I have seen the devil!”
Though my prejudice was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed at
this exclamation, and much more so when I heard the sound of bells approaching
our chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to me, uttering these words,
“Christ have mercy upon us; there he comes!” At that instance a monstrous
overgrown raven entered our chamber, with bells at his feet, and made directly
towards our bed. As this creature is reckoned in our country a common vehicle
for the devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were
haunted; and, in a violent fright, shrank under the bedclothes. This terrible
apparition leaped upon the bed, and after giving us several severe dabs with its
beak through the blankets, hopped away, and vanished. Strap and I
recommended ourselves to the protection of heaven with great devotion, and,
when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep up and take breath. But we
had not been long freed from this phantom, when another appeared, that had
well nigh deprived us both of our senses. We perceived an old man enter the
room, with a long white beard that reached to his middle; there was a certain
wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance that did not savour of this world;
and his dress consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned behind and at the wrists,
with an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his head. I was so amazed that
I had not power to move my eyes from such a ghastly object, but lay motionless
and saw him come straight up to me: when he reached the bed, he wrung his
hands, and cried, with a voice that did not seem to belong to a human creature,
“Where is Ralph?” I made no reply: upon which he repeated, in an accent still
more preternatural, “Where is Ralpho?” He had no sooner pronounced these
words than I heard the sound of the bells at a distance; which the apparition,
having listened to, tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a
good while before I could recover myself so far as to speak; and, when at length
I turned to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not last long. When he
came to himself, I asked his opinion of what had happened; and he assured me
that the first must certainly be the soul of some person damned, which appeared
by the chain about his legs (for his fears had magnified the creature to the
bigness of a horse, and the sound of small morice-bells to the clanking of massy
chains). As for the old man, he took it to be the spirit of somebody murdered
long ago in this place, which had power granted to forment the assassin in the
shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name of the said murderer. Although I
had not much faith in this interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy any
sleep: and in all my future adventures never passed a night so ill.
In the morning Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after an
immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him that the old man
was the landlord’s father, who had been an idiot some years, and diverted
himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had hopped away from his apartment
in the night, and induced him to follow it to our chamber, where he had inquired
after it under the name of Ralpho.
Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which
continued six or seven days longer: at length we entered the great city, and
lodged all night at the inn where the waggon put up. Next morning all the
passengers parted different ways, while my companion and I sallied out to
inquire for the member of parliament, to whom I had a letter of recommendation
from Mr. Crab. As we had discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our
baggage and, marched behind me in the street with the knapsack on his back, as
usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had dressed myself to the
greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled shirt, and my best thread
stockings: my hair (which was of the deepest red) hung down upon my
shoulders, as lank and straight as a pound of candles; and the skirts of my coat
reached to the middle of my leg; my waistcoat and breeches were of the same
piece, and cut in the same taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber’s
basin, in the shallowness of the crown and narrowness of the brim. Strap was
habited in a much less awkward manner: but a short crop-eared wig, that very
much resembled Scrub’s in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added to
what is called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose, and high
cheek bones, rendered him, on the whole, a very fit subject of mirth and
pleasantry. As he walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired of a carman, whom
we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived: and was answered by a stare,
accompanied with the word “Anan!” Upon which I came up, in order to explain
the question, but had the misfortune to be unintelligible likewise, the carman
damning us for a lousy Scotch guard, whipping his horses with a “Gee ho!”
which nettled me to the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far that,
after the fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a
farthing.
While we were deliberating upon what was to be done, a hackney coachman,
driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the kennel, came up close to
us, and calling, “A coach, master!” by a dexterous management of the reins
made his horses stumble in the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. After
which exploit he drove on, applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in which
several people joined, to my great mortification; but one, more compassionate
than the rest, seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an alehouse, and dry
myself. I thanked him for his advice, which I immediately complied with; and,
going into the house he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat down by a
fire in the public room where we cleaned ourselves as well as we could. In the
meantime, a wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe, understanding, by our
dialect, that we were from Scotland, came up to me and, with a grave
countenance asked how long I had been caught. As I did not know the meaning
of this question, I made no answer; and he went on, saying it could not be a great
while, for my tail was not yet cut; at the same time taking hold of my hair, and
tipping the wink to the rest of the company, who seemed highly entertained with
his wit. I was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, because I
happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who spoke to me
was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a match.
However, Strap, having either more courage or less caution, could not put up
with the insults I suffered, but told him in a peremptory tone, “He was an uncivil
fellow for making so free with his betters.” Then the wit going toward him,
asked him what he had got in his knapsack? “Is it oatmeal or brimstone,
Sawney?” said he, seizing him by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible
diversion of all present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted in such an
opprobrious manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a
box on the ear as made him stagger to the other side of the room; and, in a
moment, a ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap beginning to strip,
and my blood being heated with indignation, which banished all other thoughts,
I undressed myself to the skin in an instant, and declared, that as the affront that
occasioned the quarrel was offered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon
which one or two cried out, “That’s a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair
play.” His assurance gave me fresh spirits, and, going up to my adversary, who
by his pale countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him so
hard on the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and fell to the ground. Then I
attempted to keep him down, in order to improve my success, according to the
manner of my own country, but was restrained by the spectators, one of whom
endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he would not
fight, for he was not quite recovered of a late illness. I was very well pleased
with this excuse, and immediately dressed myself, having acquired the good
opinion of the company for my bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who
shook me by the hand, and wished me joy of the victory.
After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the landlord
if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, and were amazed at his
replying in the negative; for we imagined he must be altogether as conspicuous
here as in the borough he represented; but he told us we might possibly hear of
him as we passed along. We betook ourselves therefore to the street, where
seeing a footman standing at the door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew
where our patron lived? This member of the particoloured fraternity, surveying
us both very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn
down the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then to the left again,
after which perambulation we would observe a lane, through which we must
pass, and at the other end we should find an alley that leads to another street,
where we should see the sign of the Thistle and Three Pedlars, and there he
lodged. We thanked him for his information, and went forwards, Strap telling
me, that he knew this person to be an honest friendly man by his countenance,
before he opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good
manners to the company he daily saw in the house where he served.
We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left, and to the right,
and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane before us, found ourselves at
the side of the river, a circumstance that perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-
traveller ventured to pronounce, that we had certainly missed our way. By this
time we were pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how to
proceed, I went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged by the sign of the
Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, the shopkeeper was
my countryman. He was no sooner informed of our peregrination, and the
directions we had received from the footman, than he informed us we had been
imposed upon, telling us, Mr. Cringer lived in the other end of the town and that
it would be to no purpose for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was
gone to the House. I then asked, if he could recommend us a lodging. He really
gave us a line to one of his acquaintance who kept a chandler’s shop not far from
St. Martin’s Lane; there we hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at the rate of
two shillings per week, so very small, that when the bed was let down, we were
obliged to carry out every other piece of furniture that belonged to the
apartment, and use the bedstead by way of chairs. About dinner-time, our
landlord asked how we proposed to live? to which interrogation we answered,
that we would be directed by him. “Well, then,” says he, “there are two ways of
eating in this town for people of your condition—the one more creditable and
expensive than the other: the first is to dine at an eating-house frequented by
well-dressed people only; and the other is called diving, practised by those who
are either obliged or inclined to live frugally.” I gave him to understand that,
provided the last was not infamous, it would suit much better with our
circumstances than the other. “Infamous!” cried he, “not at all; there are many
creditable people, rich people, ay, and fine people, that dive every day. I have
seen many a pretty gentleman with a laced waistcoat dine in that manner very
comfortably for three pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house,
where he made a figure with the best lord in the land; but your own eyes shall
bear witness—I will go along with you to-day and introduce you.”
He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade us
observe him, and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, dived into a cellar and
disappeared in an instant. I followed his example, and descending very
successfully, found myself in the middle of a cook’s shop, almost suffocated
with the steams of boiled beef, and surrounded by a company of hackney
coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen out of place or on board-
wages; who sat eating shin of beef, tripe, cow-heel, or sausages, at separate
boards, covered with cloths which turned my stomach. While I stood in amaze,
undetermined whether to sit down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his descent,
missing one of the stops, tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, and
overturned the cook as she carried a porringer of soup to one of the guests. In her
fall, she dashed the whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging to the
foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, and scalded him so miserably, that
he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a volley of execrations that
made my hair stand on end.
While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence peculiar
to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the poor author of this
mischance, who lay under the table with a woful countenance, emptied a salt-
cellar in her hand, and, stripping down the patient’s stocking, which brought the
skin along with it, applied the contents to the sore. This poultice was scarce laid
on, when the drummer, who had begun to abate of his exclamations, broke forth
into such a hideous yell as made the whole company tremble, then, seizing a
pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides of it together, as if it had
been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the same time with a most
horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent transport, I bade the woman
wash off the salt, and bathe the part with oil, which she did, and procured him
immediate ease. But here another difficulty occurred, which was no other than
the landlady’s insisting on his paying for the pot he had rendered useless. He
said, he would pay for nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful
for his moderation, or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap,
foreseeing the whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy the cook,
and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which entirely appeased him,
and composed all animosities. After this accommodation, our landlord and we
sat down at a board, and dined upon shin of beef most deliciously; our reckoning
amounting to twopence halfpenny each, bread and small beer included.
 CHAPTER XIV
We visit Strap’s friend—a description of him—his advice—we
go to Mr. Cringer’s house—are denied admittance—an Accident
befalls Strap—his behaviour thereupon—an extraordinary
adventure occurs, in the course of which I lose all my money

In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend’s house, which,

we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we accordingly went, and
were so lucky as to find him at home. This gentleman, who had come from
Scotland three or four years before, kept a school in town, where he taught the
Latin, French, and Italian languages; but what he chiefly professed was the
pronunciation of the English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon
than any practised heretofore, and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their master,
the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a tittle: for although
I could easily understand every word of what I had heard hitherto since I entered
England, three parts in four of his dialect were as unintelligible to me as if he
had spoken in Arabic or Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and stooped very
much, though not above the age of forty; his face was frightfully pitted with the
small-pox, and his mouth extended from ear to ear. He was dressed in a night-
gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with a sergeant’s old sash, and a tie-
periwig with a foretop three inches high, in the fashion of King Charles the
Second’s reign.
After he had received Strap, who was related to him, very courteously, he
inquired of him who I was; and being informed, he took me by the hand, telling
me he was at school with my father. When he understood my situation, he
assured me that he would do me all the service in his power, both by his advice
and otherwise, and while he spoke these words eyed me with great attention,
walking round me several times, and muttering, “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! fat a saight
is here!” I soon guessed the reason of his ejaculation, and said, “I suppose, sir,
you are not pleased with my dress.” “Dress,” answered he, “you may caal it fat
you please in your country, but I vow to Gad ’tis a masquerade here. No
Christian will admit such a figure into his house. Upon my conscience, I wonder
the dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass through St. James’s market? Bless my
eyesaight! you are like a cousin-german of an ourangoutang.” I began to be a
little serious at this discourse, and asked him, if he thought I should obtain
entrance to-morrow at the house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for
an introduction into business? “Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer,” replied he, scratching
his cheek, “may be a very honest gentleman—I know nothing to the contrary;
but is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?” I
pulled out Mr. Crab’s letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes, at which
he stared at me, and repeated “Oh dear! Oh dear!” I began to conceive bad
omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would assist me with his
advice, which he promised to give very frankly; and as a specimen, directed us
to a periwig warehouse in the neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated;
laying strong injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted
with my carroty locks, which, he said, were sufficient to beget an antipathy
against me in all mankind. And as we were going to pursue this advice, he called
me back and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer’s own hand.
As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his friend,
who, it seems, had assured him he would in a day or two provide for him with
some good master; “I and now,” says he, “I you will see how I will fit you with a
wig. There’s ne’er a barber in London (and that’s a bold word) can palm a rotten
caul, or a pennyweight of dead hair, upon me.” And, indeed, this zealous
adherent did wrangle so long with the merchant, that he was desired twenty
times to leave the shop, and see if he could get one cheaper elsewhere. At length
I made choice (if a good handsome bob), for which I paid ten shillings, and
returned to our lodging, where Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which had
given the schoolmaster so much offence.
We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave
audience by candle-light to all his dependents, he himself being obliged to attend
the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day, because his lordship made one at
the minister’s between eight and nine o’clock. When we came to Mr. Cringer’s
door, Strap, to give me all instance of his politeness, ran to the knocker, which
he employed so loud and so long, that he alarmed the whole street; and a
window opening in the second story of the next house, a vessel was discharged
upon him so successfully, that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, being
luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge. In the meantime, a
footman opening the door, and seeing nobody in the street but us, asked, with a
stern countenance, if it was I who made such a noise, and what I wanted. I told
him I had business with his master, whom I desired to see. Upon which he
slapped the door in my face, telling me I must learn better manners before I
could have access to his master. Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my
resentment against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his presumption; but
he, not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the wet out of his periwig, and
lifting up a large stone, flung it with such force against the street door of that
house from whence he had been bedewed, that the lock giving way, it flew wide
open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to follow him as I could. Indeed, there
was no time for deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could
exert, until we found ourselves about the dawn in a street we did not know. Here,
as we wandered along gaping about, a very decent sort of a man, passing by me,
stopped of a sudden and took up something, which having examined, he turned
and presented to me with these words: “Sir, you have dropped half-a-crown.” I
was not a little surprised at this instance of honesty, and told him it did not
belong to me; but he bade me recollect, and see if all my money was safe; upon
which I pulled out my purse, for I had bought one since I came to town, and,
reckoning my money in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas seven
shillings and twopence, assured him I had lost nothing. “Well, then, says he, so
much the better; this is a godsend, and as you two were present when I picked it
up, you are entitled to equal shares with me.” I was astonished at these words,
and looked upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but absolutely refused
to take any part of the sum. “Come, gentlemen,” said he, “you are too modest—I
see you are strangers, but you shall give me leave to treat you with a whet this
cold raw morning.” I would have declined the invitation, but Strap whispered to
me that the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied. “Where shall we
go?” said the stranger; “I am quite ignorant of this part of the town.” I informed
him that we were in the same situation; upon which he proposed to go into the
first public-house we should find open; and as we walked together, he began in
this manner: “I find by your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen; my
grandmother by the father’s side was of your country, and I am so prepossessed
in its favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are
very brave people. There is scarce a great family in the kingdom that cannot
boast of some exploits performed by its ancestors many hundred years ago.
There’s your Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We have no such
ancient families here in England. Then you are all very well educated. I have
known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well as if they had been his mother-
tongue. And for honesty—I once had a servant, his name was Gregor
Macgregor, I would have trusted him with untold gold.”
This eulogium of my native country gained my affections so strongly, that I
believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; and Strap’s eyes swam in
tears. At length, as we passed through a dark narrow lane, we perceived a public-
house, which we entered, and found a man sitting by the fire, smoking a pipe,
with a pint of purl before him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever we had
drunk egg-flip? To which question we answering in the negative, he assured us
of a regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes and tobacco at
the same time. We found this composition very palateable, and drank heartily;
the conversation, which was introduced by the gentleman, turning upon the
snares that young inexperienced people are exposed to in this metropolis. He
described a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon the ignorant and
unwary, and warned us of them with so much good nature and concern, that we
blessed the opportunity which threw us in his way. After we had put the can
about for some time, our new friend began to yawn, telling us he had been up all
night with a sick person; and proposed we should have recourse to some
diversion to keep him awake. “Suppose,” said he, “we should take a hand at
whist for pastime. But let me see: that won’t do, there’s only three of us; and I
cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never play, but out of
complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger of falling asleep.”
Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an
hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap understood as much
of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, “I wish we could find a fourth
hand.” While we were in this perplexity the person whom we found in the house
at our entrance, overhearing our discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very
gravely, and accosted us thus: “Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see,” shaking the
ashes into the fire, “and rather than you should be balked, I don’t care if I take a
hand with you for a trifle—but remember I won’t play for anything of
consequence.” We accepted his proffer with pleasure. Having cut for partners, it
fell to my lot to play with him against our friend and Strap, for threepence a
game. We were so successful, that in a short time I was half-a-crown gainer;
when the gentleman whom we had met in the street observing he had no luck to-
day, proposed to leave off, or change partners. By this time I was inflamed with
my good fortune and the expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two
strangers played but indifferently; therefore I voted for giving him his revenge:
and cutting again, Strap and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to be
partners. My good fortune attended me still, and in less than an hour we had got
thirty shillings of their money, for as they lost they grew the keener, and doubled
stakes every time. At last the inconstant goddess began to veer about, and we
were very soon stripped of all our gains, and about forty shillings of our own
money. This loss mortified me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles
of Strap’s face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving our
condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with a
new acquisition. Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to be gone;
upon which the person who had joined us in the house began to curse the cards,
and muttered that we were indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part
of our success being owing to our good play. This insinuation nettled me so
much that I challenged him to a game at piquet for a crown: and he was with
difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation. This contest ended in less than an
hour to my inexpressible affliction, who lost every shilling of my own money,
Strap absolutely refusing to supply me with a sixpence.
The gentleman at whose request we had come in, perceiving by my
disconsolate looks the situation of my heart, which well nigh burst with grief and
resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went away with my money,
began in this manner:—“I am truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would
willingly repair it, were it in my power. But what in the name of goodness could
provoke you to tempt your fate so long? It is always a maxim with gamesters to
pursue success as far us it will go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about.
You are a young man, and your passions are too impetuous; you must learn to
govern them better. However, there is no experience like that which is bought;
you will be the better for this the longest day you have to live. As for the fellow
who has got your money, I don’t half like him. Did not you see me tip you the
wink to leave off in time?” I answered, “No.” “No,” continued he; “you was too
eager to mind anything but the game. But, harkee,” said he in a whisper, “are
you satisfied of that young man’s honesty? His looks are a little suspicious—but
I may be mistaken; he made a great many grimaces while he stood behind you,
this is a very wicked town.” I told him I was very well convinced of my
comrade’s integrity and, that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to
his anxiety of my loss. “Oh ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord,
see what’s to pay.” The reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which, having
discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, saying he should be
very glad to see us again, departed.
 CHAPTER XV
Strap moralises—presents his purse to me—we inform our
landlord of our misfortune—he unravels the mystery—I present
myself to Cringer—he recommends and turns me over to Mr.
Staytape—I become acquainted with a fellow dependent, who
explains the character of Cringer and Staytape—and informs me
of the method to be pursued at the Navy Office and Surgeons’
Hall—Strap is employed

In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides, Strap, with a
hideous groan, observed that we had brought our pigs to a fine market. To this
observation I made no reply, and he went on: “God send us well out of this
place; we have not been in London eight and forty hours, and I believe we have
met with eight and forty thousand misfortunes. We have been jeered, reproached,
buffeted, and at last stript of our money; and I suppose by and bye we shall be
stript of our skins. Indeed as to the money part of it, that was owing to our own
folly.—Solomon says, ‘Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will never be wise.’ Ah!
God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a pound of gold.” This was no time
for him to tamper with my disposition, already mad with my loss, and inflamed
with resentment against him for having refused me a little money to attempt to
retrieve it. I therefore turned towards him with a stern countenance, and asked,
who he called fool? Being altogether unaccustomed to such looks from me, he
stood still, and stared in my face for some time; then, with some confusion,
uttered, “Fool! I called nobody fool but myself; I am sure I am the greatest fool
of the two, for being so much concerned at other people’s misfortunes; but
‘Nemo omnibus horis sapit’—that’s all, that’s all.” Upon which a silence ensued,
which brought us to our lodging, where I threw myself upon the bed in an agony
of despair, resolved to perish rather than apply to my companion, or any other
body, for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper, and whose heart bled within
him for my distress, after some pause came to the bedside, and, putting a
leathern purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, “I know what you think, but
I scorn your thought. There’s all I have in the world, take it, and I’ll perhaps get
more for you before that be done. If not, I’ll beg for you, steal for you, go
through the wide world with you, and stay with you; for though I be a poor
cobbler’s son, I am no scout.” I was so much touched with the generous passion
of this poor creature, that I could not refrain from weeping also, and we mingled
our tears together for some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two
half-guineas and half-a-crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he
knew better than I how to manage it, but he, absolutely refused my proposal and
told me it was more reasonable and decent that he should depend upon me, who
was a gentleman, than that I should be controlled by him.
After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we informed
our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to conceal the extremity to
which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the story, than he assured us we had
been grievously imposed upon by a couple of sharpers, who were associates; and
that this polite, honest, friendly, humane person, who had treated us so civilly,
was no other than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his business to decoy
strangers in that manner to one of his own haunts, where an accomplice or two
were always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey he had run down. Here the
good man recounted a great many stories of people who has been seduced,
cheated, pilfered, beat—nay, even murdered by such villains. I was confounded
at the artifice and wickedness of mankind; and Strap, lifting up his eyes and
hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from such scenes of
iniquity, for surely the devil had set up his throne in London. Our landlord being
curious to know what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer’s, we acquainted
him with the particulars, at which he shook his head, and told us we had not
gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a member of
parliament without a bribe; that the servant was commonly infected with the
master’s disease, and expected to be paid for his work, as well as his betters. He
therefore advised me to give the footman a shilling the next time I should desire
admittance to my patron, or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver
my letter. Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I slipped a
shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master. I found the good
effect of my liberality; for the fellow let me in immediately, and, taking the letter
out of my hand, desired me to wait in a kind of passage for an answer. In this
place I continued standing for three-quarters-of-an-hour, during which time I
saw a great many young fellows whom I formerly knew in Scotland pass and
repass, with an air of familiarity, in their way to and from the audience-chamber;
while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to them that
they might not perceive the lowness of my condition. At length, Mr. Cringer
came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who was no other than Squire
Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of clothes; at parting Mr. Cringer shook him
by the hand and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his company at dinner.
Then turning about towards me, asked what were my commands? When he
understood I was the person who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he
affected to recollect my name, which, however, he pretended he could not do till
he had consulted the letter again; to save him the trouble, I told him my name
was Random. Upon which he went on, “Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random—I
think I remember the name:” and very well he might, for this very individual,
Mr. Cringer, had many a time rode before my grandfather’s cloak-bag, in quality
of a footman. “Well,” says he, “you propose to go on board a man-of-war as
surgeon’s mate.” I replied by a low bow. “I believe it will be a difficult matter,”
continued he, “to procure a warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch
surgeons at the Navy Office, in expectation of the next vacancy, that the
commissioners are afraid of being torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a
guard to protect them. However, some ships will soon be put in commission, and
then we shall see what’s to be done.” So saying, he left me, exceedingly
mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with from this
upstart, proud, mean member, who, I imagined, would have been glad of an
opportunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed to my family.
At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap’s being
employed, on the recommendation of his friend, the schoolmaster, by a periwig-
maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings per week besides
bed and board. I continued to dance attendance every other morning at the levee
of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight; in which time I became acquainted with a
young fellow of my own country and profession, who also depended on the
member’s interest, but was treated with much more respect than I, both by the
servants and master, and often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire for
the convenience of the better sort of those who waited for him. Thither I was
never permitted to penetrate, on account of my appearance, which was not at all
fashionable; but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and
take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer’s going to the door to speak with him.
One day, while I enjoyed this occasion a person was introduced, whom Mr.
Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted him with a low
bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the hand with great
heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very kindly
after Mrs. Staytape and the young ladies; then, after a whisper, which continued
some minutes, wherein I overheard the word ‘honour’ repeated several times
with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, as to a person
whose advice and assistance I might depend upon; and having given me his
direction, followed me to the door, where he told me I need not give myself the
trouble to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape would do my business. At
that instant my fellow-dependent, coming out after me, overheard the discourse
of Mr. Cringer, and, making up to me in the street, accosted me very civilly: this
address I looked upon as no small honour, considering the figure he made, for he
was dressed in a blue frock with a button, a green silk waistcoat, trimmed with
gold, black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-laced
hat, a spencer-wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine clouded can in his
hand. “I perceive,” says he, “you are but lately come from Scotland; pray what
may your business with Mr. Cringer be? I suppose it is no secret and I may
possibly give you some advice that will be serviceable, for I have been surgeon’s
second mate on board of a seventy-gun ship, and consequently know a good deal
of the world.”
I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which, when he had learned, he
shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much, in the same circumstances
about a year ago: that he had relied on Cringer’s promises, until his money
(which was considerable) as well as his credit, was quite exhausted; and when he
wrote to his relations for a fresh supply, instead of money he received nothing
but reproaches, and the epithets of idle, debauched fellow. That after he had
waited at the Navy Office many months for a warrant to no purpose, he was fain
to pawn some of his clothes, which raised a small sum wherewith he bribed the
secretary, who soon procured a warrant for him, notwithstanding he had affirmed
the same day, that there was not one vacancy. That he had gone on board, where
he remained nine months, at the end of which the ship was put out of
commission, and he said the company were to be paid off in Broad Street the
very next day. That relations being reconciled to him, had charged him to pay his
devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed them by letter that his
interest alone had procured the warrant; in obedience to which command he
came to his levee every morning; as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a
very pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet passed at
Surgeons’ Hall? To which question I answered, I did not so much as know it was
necessary. “Necessary:” cried he, “Oh then I find I must instruct you: come
along with me, and I’ll give you information about that matter.” So Saying, he
carried me into an ale-house, where I called for some beer, and bread and cheese,
on which we breakfasted. While we sat in this place, he told me I must first go to
the Navy Office, and write to the Board, desiring them to order a letter for me to
Surgeon’s Hall, that I might be examined, touching my skill in surgery. That the
surgeons, after having examined me, would give me my qualification sealed up
in form of a letter directed to the commissioners, which qualification I must
deliver to the secretary of the Board, who would open it in my presence, and
read the contents; after which I must employ my interest to be provided for as
soon as possible. That the expense of his qualification for second mate of a third-
rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him
half-a-guinea and half-a-crown, besides a present to the secretary, which
consisted of a three-pound twelve piece. This calculation was like a thunderbolt
to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shillings. I accordingly
made him acquainted with this part of my distress, after having thanked him for
his information and advice. He condoled me on this occasion; but bade me be of
good cheer, for he had conceived a friendship for me, and would make all things
easy. He was ran out at present, but to-morrow or next day, he was certain of
receiving a considerable sum; of which he would lend me what would be
sufficient to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me so much,
that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before him, begging him to take what
he pleased for pocket-expense, until he should receive his own money. With a
good deal of pressing, he was prevailed upon to take five shillings telling me that
he might have what money he wanted at any time for the trouble of going into
the city; but as he had met with me, he would defer his going thither till
tomorrow, when I should go along with him, and he would put me in the way of
acting for myself, without a servile dependence on that rascal Cringer, much less
on the tailor to whom he heard him turn me over. “How!” cried I, “is Mr.
Staytape a tailor.” “No less, I assure you,” answered he, “and, I confess, more
likely to serve you than the member; for, provided you can entertain him with
politics and conundrums, you may have credit with him for as many and as rich
clothes as you please.” I told him, I was utterly ignorant of both, and so incensed
at Cringer’s usage, that I would never set foot within his door again.
After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted,
having made an appointment to meet next day at the same place; in order to set
out for the city. I went immediately to Strap and related everything which had
happened, but he did not at all approve of my being so forward to lend money to
a stranger, especially as we had already been so much imposed upon by
appearances. “However,” said he, “if you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe
you are safe.”
 CHAPTER XVI

My new acquaintance breaks an appointment—I proceed, by

myself, to the Navy Office—address me to a person there, who
assists me with advice—write to the Board, they grant me a
letter to the Surgeons at the Hall—am informed of the beau’s
name and character—find him—he makes me his confidant in an
amour—desires me to pawn my linen for his occasions—
recover what I lent him—some curious observations on Strap on
that occasion—his vanity.

In the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, where I waited two
hours in vain, and was so exasperated against him for breaking his appointment,
that I set out for the city by myself, in hope of finding the villain, and being
revenged on him for his breach of promise. At length I found myself at the Navy
Office, which I entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking below, many
of whom made no better appearance than myself. I consulted the physiognomy
of each, and at last made up to one whose countenance I liked, and asked, if he
could instruct me in the form of the letter which was to be sent to the Board to
obtain an order for examination? He answered me in broad Scotch, that he
would show me the copy of what he had writ for himself, by direction of another
who know the form, and accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for my perusal;
and told me that, if I was expeditious, I might send it into the Board before
dinner, for they did no business in the afternoon. He then went with me to
coffee-house hard by, where I wrote the letter, which was immediately delivered
to the messenger, who told me I might expect an order to-morrow about the
same time.
Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal composed;
and as I had met with so much civility from the stranger, I desired further
acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, not to be deceived by him so
much to my prejudice as I had been by the beau. He agreed to dine with me at
the cook’s shop which I frequented; and on our way thither carried me to
’Change, where I was in hopes of finding Mr. Jackson (for that was the name of
the person who had broke his appointment), I sought him there to no purpose,
and on our way towards the other end of the town imparted to my companion his
behaviour towards me; upon which he gave me to understand, that he was no
stranger to the name of Bean Jackson (so he was called at the Navy Office),
although he did not know him personally; that he had the character of a good-
natured careless fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from any that would
lend; that most people who knew him believed he had a good principle at
bottom, but his extravagance was such, he would probably never have it in his
power to manifest the honesty of his intention. This made me sweat for my five
shillings, which I nevertheless did not altogether despair of recovering, provided
I could find out the debtor.
This young man likewise added another circumstance of Squire Jackson’s
history, which was, that being destitute of all means to equip himself for sea,
when he received his last warrant, he had been recommended to a person who
lent him a little money, after he had signed a will entitling that person to lift his
wages when they should become due, as also to inherit his effects in case of his
death. That he was still under the tutorage and direction of that gentleman, who
advanced him small sums from time to time upon this security, at the rate of fifty
per cent. But at present his credit was very low, because his funds would do little
more than pay what he had already received, this moderate interest included.
After the stranger (whose name was Thompson) had entertained me with this
account of Jackson, he informed me that he himself had passed for third mate of
a third-rate, about four months ago; since which time he had constantly attended
at the Navy Office, in hope of a warrant, having been assured from the
beginning, both by a Scotch member, and one of the commissioners to whom the
member recommended him, that he should be put into the first vacancy;
notwithstanding which promise, he had the mortification to see six or seven
appointed in the same station almost every week—that now being utterly
impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a friend lately come to
town, to lend him a small matter, for a present to the secretary; without which he
was persuaded he might wait a thousand years to no purpose. I conceived a
mighty liking for this young fellow, which (I believe) proceeded from the
similitude of our fortunes. We spent the whole day together; and as he lived at
Wapping I desired him to take a share of my bed.
Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where, after being called before the
Board, and questioned about the place of my nativity and education, they
ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, upon paying half-a-crown to the
clerk, I received, and delivered into the hands of the clerk at Surgeons’ Hall,
together with a shilling for his trouble in registering my name. By this time my
whole stock was diminished to two shillings, and I saw not the least prospect of
relief, even for present subsistence, much less to enable me to pay the fees at
Surgeons’ Hall for my examination, which would come on in a fortnight. In this
state of perplexity, I consulted Strap, who assured me he would pawn everything
he had in the world, even to his razors, before I should want: but this expedient I
absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a thousand times rather list for a soldier,
of which I had some thoughts, than be any longer a burden to him. At the word
soldier, he grew pale as death, and begged on his knees I would think no more of
that scheme. “God preserve us all in our right wits!” cried he, “would you turn
soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where you must stand
and be shot at like a woodcock? Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcase, and
let me die in a bed like a Christian, as all my forefathers have done. What
signifies all earthly riches and honour, if one enjoys not content? and, hereafter,
there is no respect of persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good
conscience, and time to repent of my sins upon my death-bed, than be cut off
(God bless us!) by a musket-shot, as it were in the very flower of one’s age, in
the pursuit of riches and fame. What signify riches, my dear friend? do they not
make unto themselves wings and fly away? as the wise man saith. I could also
mention many other sayings in contempt of riches, both from the Bible and other
good books; but I know you are not very fond of those things, I shall only assure
you, that if you take on to be a soldier, I will do the same; and then if we should
both be slain, you will not only have your own blood to answer for, but mine
also: and peradventure the lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle.
Therefore I pray you, consider whether you will sit down contented with small
things and share the fruits of my industry in peace, till Providence shall send
better tidings; or, by your despair, plunge both our souls and bodies into
everlasting perdition, which God of his infinite mercy forbid!” I could not help
smiling at this harangue, which was delivered with great earnestness, the tears
standing in his eyes all the time, and promised to do nothing of that sort without
his consent and concurrence. He was much comforted with this declaration; and
told me in a few days he should receive a week’s wages, which should be at my
service, but advised me in the meantime to go in quest of Jackson, and recover,
if possible, what he had borrowed of me. I accordingly trudged about from one
end of the town to the other, for several days, without being able to learn
anything certain concerning him: and, one day being extremely hungry, and
allured by the steams that regaled my nostrils from a boiling cellar, I went down
with an intention to gratify my appetite with a twopennyworth of beef; when to
my no small surprise found Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a footman. He no
sooner perceived me than he got up and shook me by the hands saying, he was
glad to see me, for he intended to have called at my lodgings in the afternoon. I
was so well pleased at this rencounter and the apologies he made for not keeping
his appointment, that I forgot my resentment, and sat down to dinner, with the
happy expectation of not only recovering my own money before we should part,
but also of reaping the benefit of his promise to lend me wherewithal to pass
examination; and this hope my sanguine complexion suggested, though the
account Thompson gave me of him ought to have moderated my expectation.
When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and
adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where, after shaking me by the hand
again, he began thus: “I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Random, and I do
confess that appearances are against me. But I dare say you will forgive me
when I tell you, my not coming at the time appointed was owing to a peremptory
message I received from a certain lady, whom, harkee! (but this is a great secret)
I am to marry very soon. You think this strange, perhaps, but it is not less true for
all that—a five thousand pounder, I’ll assure you, besides expectations. For my
own part, devil take me if I know what any woman can see engaging about me—
but a whim, you know—and then one would not balk one’s good fortune. You
saw that footman who dined with us—he’s one of the honestest fellows that ever
wore livery. You must know it was by his means I was introduced to her, for he
made me first acquainted with her woman, who is his mistress—ay, many a
crown has he and his sweetheart had of my money—but what of that? things are
now brought to a bearing. I have—(come a little this way) I have proposed
marriage, and the day is fixed—she’s a charming creature, and writes like an
angel! She can repeat all the English tragedies as well as ever a player in Drury
Lane!-and, indeed, is so fond of plays, that to be near the stage she has taken
lodgings in a court hard by the theatre; but you shall see—you shall see—here’s
the last letter she sent me.” With these words, he put it into my hand, and I read
(to the best of my remembrance) as follows:

‘Dear Kreeter—As you are the animable hopjack of my

contemplayshins, your aydear is infernally skimming before my
keymerycal fansee, when Murfy sends his puppies to the heys of
slipping mortals; and when Febus shines from his merry dying
throne; whereupon I shall canseif old time has lost his pinners,
as also cubit his harrows, until thou enjoy sweet propose in the
loafseek harms of thy very faithfool to commend,

Clayrender

Wingar Yard, Drury Lane,

January 12th.’

While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his hands, and

bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught hold of my hand, and
squeezing it, cried, “There—a style for you! What do you think of this billet-
doux?” I answered, “It might be sblime for aught I knew, for it was altogether
above my comprehension.” “Oh, ho!” said he, “I believe it is—both tender and
sublime; she’s a divine creature! and so doats upon me! Let me see—what shall I
do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands? In the first place, I
shall do for you. I’m a man of few words—-but say no more that’s determined;
whether would you advise me, to purchase some post, by which I may rise in the
state, or lay out my wife’s fortune in land, and retire to the country at once?” I
gave my opinion without hesitation, that he could not do better than buy an
estate and improve; especially since he had already seen so much of the world.
Then I launched out into the praises of a country life, as described by the poets
whose works I had read. He seemed to relish my advice, but withal told me, that
although he had seen a great deal of the world both at land and sea, having
cruised three whole months in the Channel, yet he should not be satisfied until he
had visited France, which he proposed to do before he should settle; and to carry
his wife along with him. I had nothing to object to his proposal; and asked how
soon he hoped to be happy. “As to that,” he replied, “nothing obstructs my
happiness but the want of a little ready cash; for you must know, my friend in the
city has gone out of town for a week or two, but I unfortunately missed my pay
at Broad Street, by being detained too long by the dear charmer—but there will
be a recall at Chatham next week, whither the ship’s books are sent, and I have
commissioned a friend in that place to receive the money.” “If that be all,” said I,
“there’s no great harm in deferring your marriage a few days.” “Yes, faith, but
there is,” said he; “you don’t know how many rivals I have, who would take all
advantages against me. I would not balk the impatience of her passion for the
world—the least appearance of coldness or indifference would ruin all; and such
offers don’t occur every day.”
I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to proceed. At
this question he rubbed his chin, and said, “Why, truly, I must be obliged to
some friend or other—do you know nobody that would lend me a small sum for
a day or two?” I assured him, I was such an utter stranger in London, that I did
not believe I could borrow a guinea if my life depended upon it. “No!” said he,
“that’s hard—that’s hard! I wish I had anything to pawn—upon my soul, you
have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); how many shirts of that
kind have you got?” I answered, “Six ruffled, and six plain.” At which he
testified great surprise, and declared that no gentleman ought to have more than
four. “How many d’ye think I have got?” continued he; “but this and another, as
I hope to be saved! and I dare say we shall be able to raise a good sum out of
your superfluity: let me see—let me see—each of these shirts is worth sixteen
shillings at a moderate computation—now, suppose we pawn them for half-price
—eight times eight is sixty-four, that’s three pounds four; that will do—give me
your hand.” “Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson,” said I; “don’t dispose of my linen
without my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and then we shall talk
of other matters.” He protested that he had not above one shilling in his pocket,
but that he would pay me out of the first of the money raised from the shirts.
This piece of assurance incensed me so much that I swore I would not part with
him until I had received satisfaction for what I had lent him; and as for the shirts,
I would not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows.
 At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was very hard
that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly enable him not only to make
his own fortune but mine also. “You talk of pawning my shirts,” said I; “suppose
you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson. I believe it would fetch a good round
sum.” “No, hang it!” said he, “I can’t appear decently without my hanger, lest it
should go.” However, seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length
unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me the three blue balls, desired me to carry
it thither and pawn it for two guineas. This office I would by no means have
performed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise; but not
willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I should
perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker’s shop, where I demanded two
guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas Williams. “Two guineas!” said the
pawnbroker, looking at the hanger; “this piece of goods has been here several
times before for thirty shillings: however, since I believe the gentleman to whom
it belongs will redeem it, he shall have what he wants; and accordingly he paid
me the money, which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson; and, calling
for change, counted out to him seven and thirty shillings, reserving the other five
for myself.” After looking at the money some time, he said, “Well! it don’t
signify—this won’t do my business; so you may as well take half-a-guinea, or a
whole one, as the five shillings you have kept.” I thanked him kindly, but refused
to accept of any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of repaying it.
Upon which declaration, he stared in my face, and told me, I was excessively
raw or I would not talk in that manner. “Upon my word,” cried he, “I have a very
bad opinion of a young fellow who won’t borrow of his friend when he is in
want—’tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come, Random, give me back the
five shillings, and take this half-guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I
believe you will: if not, I shall never ask it.”
When I reflected upon my present necessity, I suffered myself to be
persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who offered
to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much better opinion of
this gentleman than I had in the morning; and at night imparted my day’s
adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good luck, saying, “I told you if he was a
Scotchman you was safe enough—and who knows but this marriage may make
us all. You have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman
baker, ran away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps his coach. I say
nothing; but yesterday morning as I was shaving a gentleman at his own house,
there was a young lady in the room, and she threw so many sheep’s eyes at a
certain person whom I shall not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock,
like a fulling mill, and my hand sh-sh-shook so much that I sliced a piece of skin
off the gentleman’s nose; whereby he uttered a deadly oath, and was going to
horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and made my peace. Is not a
journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker? The only difference is, the
baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber rises it for the head: and as the head
is a more noble member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker—
for what’s the belly without the head? Besides, I am told, he could neither read
nor write; now you know I can do both, and moreover, speak Latin—but I will
say no more, for I despise vanity—nothing is more vain than vanity.” With these
words, he pulled out of his pocket a wax-candle’s end, which he applied to his
forehead; and upon examination, I found had combed his own hair over the
toupee of his wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, become a very smart
shaver. I congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he
understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed, I had very little faith, but
the truth would come to light in spite of my incredulity.
 CHAPTER XVII
I go to Surgeons’ Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson—am examined
—a fierce dispute arises between two of the examiners—
Jackson disguises himself to attract respect—irises himself to
attract respect—is detected—in hazard of being sent to
Bridewell—he treats us at a Tavern—carries us to a Night-house
—A troublesome adventure there—we are committed to the
Round-house—carried before a Justice—his behaviour

With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the
money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of examination,
when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons’ Hall, in order to undergo that
ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in the outward hall, I
perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went up; and, inquiring into the
state of his love affair, understood it was still undetermined, by reason of his
friend’s absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of his
power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business was in this
place; he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to his bow, that in case the
one failed, he might use the other; and, with this view, he was to pass that night
for a higher qualification. At that instant, a young fellow came out from the place
of examination, with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild
as if he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about him
with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with; which, after
some pause, he described, recounting all the questions they had asked, with the
answers he made. In this manner we obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate,
which, now the danger was past, they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot:
at length the beadle called my name, with a voice that made me tremble.
However, there was no remedy. I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw
about a dozen of grim faces sitting at a long table: one of whom bade me come
forward, in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or two bereft
of my senses. The first question he put to me was, “Where was you born?” To
which I answered, “In Scotland.” “In Scotland,” said he; “I know that very well
—we have scarce any other countrymen to examine here—you Scotchmen have
overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in what part of Scotland
was you born?” I named the place of my nativity, which he had never heard of;
he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I served my
time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I informed him that I served
three years only, he fell into a violent passion, swore it was a shame and a
scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons; that it was great
presumption in me, and an affront upon the English, to pretend sufficient skill in
my business, having served so short a time, when every apprentice in England
was bound seven years at least: that my friends would have done better if they
had made me a weaver or shoemaker; but their pride would have me a
gentleman, he supposed, at any rate, and their poverty could not afford the
necessary education. This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of
my spirits; but on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarcely
able to stand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat opposite to
me with a skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the young
man; and, turning towards me, told me I need not be afraid, for nobody would do
me any harm: then, bidding me take time to recollect myself, he examined me,
touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied with my
answers. The next person who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if
I had ever seen amputation performed; and I replying in the affirmative, he
shook his head and said, “What! upon a dead subject, I suppose?” “If,”
continued he, “during an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you
with his head shot off, how would you behave?” After some hesitation, I owned
such a case had never come under my observation, neither did I remember to
have seen any method of care proposed for such an accident, in any of the
systems of surgery I had perused.
Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of the
question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to smile, except
Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the ‘animal risible’ in his
constitution. The facetious member, encouraged by the success of his last joke,
went on thus: “Suppose you was called to a patient of a plethoric habit, who has
been bruised by a fall, what would you do?” I answered, “I would bleed him
immediately.” “What!” said he, “before you had tied up his arm?” But this stroke
of wit not answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman
who sat next him; and who, with a pert air, asked, what method of cure I would
follow in wounds of the intestines. I repeated the method of care as it is
prescribed by the best chirurgical writers, which he heard to an end, and then
said with a supercilious smile, “So you think with such treatment the patient
might recover?” I told him I saw nothing to make me think otherwise. “That may
be,” resumed he; “I won’t answer for your foresight, but did you ever know a
case of this kind succeed?” I acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I
had never seen a wounded intestine; but he stopt me, by saying, with some
precipitation, “Nor never will! I affirm that all wounds of the intestines, whether
great or small, are mortal.” “Pardon me, brother,” says the fat gentleman, “there
is very good authority—” Here he was interrupted by the other with—“Sir,
excuse me, I despise all authority—Nullius in verbo—I stand on my own
bottom.” “But sir, sir,” replied his antagonist, “the reason of the thing shows—”
“A fig for reason,” cries this sufficient member; “I laugh at reason; give me
ocular demonstratio.” The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and
observed, that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts would advance
such an extravagant assertion. This inuendo enraged the other so much, that he
started up, and in a furious tone exclaimed: “What, Sir! do you question my
knowledge in anatomy?”
By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or other of the
disputants, and raised their voices altogether, when the chairman commanded
silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an hour, I was
called in again, received my qualification scaled up, and was ordered to pay five
shillings. I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until
one of them bade me begone; to this I replied, “I will when I have got my
change:” upon which another threw me five shillings and sixpence, saying, I
should not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was
afterwards obliged to give three shillings and sixpence to the beadles, and a
shilling to an old woman who swept the hall: this disbursement sank my finances
to thirteen-pence halfpenny, with which I was sneaking off, when Jackson,
perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him, and he would
accompany me to the other end of the town, as soon as his examination should
be over. I could not refuse this to a person that was so much my friend; but I was
astonished at the change of his dress which was varied in half-an-hour from what
I have already described to a very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with
an old smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a slouched hat over
it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper, or a dustman; his
neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of which he had twisted, and
fixed in the button-hole of a shabby greatcoat that wrapped up his whole body;
his white silk stockings were converted into black worsted hose: and his
countenance was rendered venerable by wrinkles, and a beard of his own
painting. When I expressed my surprise at this metamorphosis, he laughed, and
told me it was done by the advice and assistance of a friend, who lived over the
way, and would certainly produce something very much to his advantage; for it
gave him the appearance of age, which never fails of attracting respect. I
applauded his sagacity, and waited with impatience for the effects of it. At length
he was called in; but whether the oddness of his appearance excited a curiosity
more than small in the board, or his behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I
know not, he was discovered to be an imposter, and put into the hands of the
beadle in order to be sent to Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him come out
with a cheerful countenance, and a surgeon’s qualification in his hand, I
perceived him led through the outer hall as a prisoner; and was very much
alarmed, and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a lamentable
voice, and a piteous aspect to me, and some others who know him, “For God’s
sake, gentlemen bear witness that I am the same individual John Jackson who
served as surgeon’s second mate on board the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to
Bridewell!”
It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever lived to
have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address: we therefore
indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and afterwards pleaded his cause
so effectually with the beadle who was gratified with half-a-crown, that the
prisoner was dismissed, and in a few moments renewed his former gaiety—
swearing, since the board had refused his money, he would spend every shilling
before he went to bed, in treating his friends; at the same time inviting us all to
favour him with our company. It was now ten o’clock at night, and, as I had a
great way to walk through streets that were utterly unknown to me, I was
prevailed on to be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards accompany me to
my lodgings, according to his promise. He conducted me to his friend’s house,
who kept a tavern over the way where we continued drinking punch, until the
liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us all extremely frolicsome. I, in
particular, was so much elevated, that nothing would serve me but a wench; at
which demand Jackson expressed much joy, and assured me I should have my
desire. before we parted Accordingly, when he had paid the reckoning, we
sallied out, roaring and singing; and were conducted by our leader to a place of
nocturnal entertainment, where Mr. Jackson’s dress attracted the assiduities of
two or three nymphs, who loaded him with caresses, in return for the arrack
punch with which he treated them, till at length sleep began to exert his power
over us all, and our conductor called “To pay.” When the bill was brought, which
amounted to twelve shillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have
saved himself the trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted
him a good deal at first; but after some recollection, he seized the two ladies who
sat by him, one in each hand, and swore if they did not immediately restore his
money he would charge a constable with them. The good lady at the bar, seeing
what passed, whispered something to the drawer, who went out; and then with
great composure, asked what was the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed,
and swore if she refused him satisfaction, he would have her and her female
friends committed to Bridewell. “Robbed!” cried she, “robbed in my house!
Gentlemen and Ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has scandalised my
reputation.” At that instant, seeing the constable and watch enter, she proceeded
“What! you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions to ruin my
character, but even commit an assault upon my family! Mr. Constable, I charge
you with this uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot here; I shall take care
and bring an action against him for defamation.”
While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite
sober, one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that passed between us,
cried, “They are all concerned!” and desired the constable to take us all into
custody; an arrest which was performed instantly, to the utter astonishment and
despair of us all, except Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was
very little concerned, and charged the constable, in his turn, with the landlady
and her whole bevy; upon which we were carried altogether prisoners to the
round-house, where Jackson after a word of comfort to us, informed the
constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would swear next morning
before the justice. In a little time the constable, calling Jackson into another
room, spoke to him thus: “I perceive that you and your company are strangers,
and am very sorry for your being involved in such an ugly business. I have
known this woman a great while; she has kept a notorious house in the
neighbourhood this many years; and although often complained of as a nuisance,
still escapes through her interest with the justices, to whom she and all of her
employment pay contribution quarterly for protection. As she charged me with
you first, her complaint will have the preference, and she can procure evidence
to swear whatsoever she shall please to desire of them; so that, unless you can
make it up before morning, you and your companions may think yourselves
happily quit for a month’s hard labour in Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a
robbery or an assault against you, you will be committed to Newgate and tried at
the next session at the Old Bailey for your life.” This last piece of information
had such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his
money might be restored. The constable told him, that, instead of retrieving what
he had lost, he was pretty certain it would cost him some more before they could
come to any composition. But, however, he had compassion on him, and would,
if he pleased, sound them about a mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked
him for his friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of
this dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our
adversary, carried her into the next room, and pleaded, our cause so effectually,
that she condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly proposed an
arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in three
shillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all animosities,
to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been
extremely uneasy ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. By the
time we had finished our bowl—to which, by the bye, I had contributed my last
shilling—it was morning, and I proposed to move homeward, when the
constable gave me to understand, he could discharge no prisoners but by order of
the justice, before whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I cursed
the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson’s invitation.
About nine o’clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain justice not
many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw the constable enter
with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted him as follows: “So Mr.
Constable, you are a diligent man. What den of rogues have you been scouring?”
Then looking at us, who appeared very much dejected, he continued: “Ay, ay,
thieves. I see—old offenders; oh, your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose
these fellows have been taken robbing your house. Yes, yes, here’s an old
acquaintance of mine. You have used expedition,” said he to me, “in returning
from transportation; but we shall save you that trouble for the future—the
surgeons will fetch you from your next transportation, at their expense.” I
assured his worship he was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life
before. To this declaration he replied, “How! you impudent rascal, dare you say
so to my face? Do you think I am to be imposed upon by that northern accent,
which you have assumed? But it shan’t avail you—you shall find me too far
north for you. Here, clerk, write this fellow’s mittimus. His name is Patrick
Gaghagan.” Here Mr. Jackson interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately
come to town, descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The
justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, on which he
valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce
countenance, put his hands in his side, and said, “Who are you, sir? Do you give
me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here’s a fellow who affronts me upon the
bench but I’ll lay you fast, sirrah, I will—for notwithstanding your laced jacket,
I believe you are a notorious felon.” My friend was so much abashed at this
menace, which was thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed
colour, and remained speechless. This confusion his worship took for a symptom
of guilt, and, to complete the discovery, continued his threats, “Now, I am
convinced you are a thief—your face discovers it, you tremble all over, your
conscience won’t lie still—you’ll be hanged, sirrah,” raising his voice, “you’ll be
hanged; and happy had it been for the world, as well as for your own miserable
soul, if you had been detected, and cut off in the beginning of your career. Come
hither, clerk, and take this man’s confession.” I was in an agony of
consternation, when the constable, going into another room with his worship,
acquainted him with the truth of the story; which having learned, he returned
with a smiling countenance, and, addressing himself to us all, said it was always
his way to terrify young people when they came before him, that his threats
might make a strong impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in
scenes of riot and debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus,
having cloaked his own want of discernment under the disguise of paternal care,
we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain had
been lifted off my breast.
 CHAPTER XVIII
I carry my qualification to the Navy Office—the nature of it—
the behaviour of the Secretary—Strap’s concern for my absence
—a battle betwixt him a blacksmith—the troublesome
consequences of it—his harangue to me—his friend the
schoolmaster recommends me to a French Apothecary, who
entertains me as a journeyman

I would most willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my
companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the Navy office,
before one o’clock. Accordingly, we went thither, and gave them to the secretary,
who opened and read them, and I was mightily pleased to find myself qualified
for second mate of a third-rate. When he had stuck them all together on a file,
one of our company asked if there were any vacancies; to which interrogation he
answered “No!” Then I ventured to inquire if many ships were to be put in
commission soon. At which question he surveyed me with a look of ineffable
contempt; and, pushing us out of his office, locked the door without deigning us
another word. We went down stairs, and conferred together on our expectations,
when I understood that each of them had been recommended to one or other of
the commissioners, and each of them promised the first vacancy that should fall;
but that none of them relied solely upon that interest, without a present to the
secretary, with whom some of the commissioners went snacks. For which
reason, each of them had provided a small purse; and I was asked what I
proposed to give. This was a vexatious question to me who (far from being in a
capacity to gratify a ravenous secretary) had not wherewithal to purchase a
dinner. I therefore answered, I had not yet determined what to give; and sneaked
off toward my own lodging, lamenting my fate all the way, and inveighing with
much bitterness against the barbarity of my grandfather, and the sordid avarice
of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt and indigence.
Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I lodged,
and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account; for this honest man
believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that he never should see me
again. Strap, who had come to visit me in the morning, understanding I had been
abroad all night, was almost distracted, and after having obtained leave of his
master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town
than I. Not being willing to inform the landlord of my adventure, I told him I had
met an acquaintance at Surgeons’ Hall, with whom I spent the evening and night;
but being very much infested with bugs, I had not slept much, and therefore
intended to take a little repose; so saying, I went to bed, and desired to be
awakened if Strap should happen to come while I should be asleep. I was
accordingly roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about three
o’clock in the afternoon, and presented a figure to my eyes that I could scarce
believe real. In short, this affectionate shaver, setting out towards Surgeons’
Hall, had inquired for me there to no purpose: from whence he found his way to
the Navy Office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown
to everybody then present; he afterwards went upon ’Change, in hopes of seeing
me upon the Scotch walk, but without success.
At last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask everybody he
met in the street, if perchance anyone could give him information about me! and
actually put his resolution in practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses, and
reproaches with which he was answered; until a blacksmith’s ’prentice seeing
him stop a porter with a burden on his back, and hearing his question, for which
he received a hearty curse, called to him, and asked if the person he inquired
after was not a Scotchman? Strap replied with great eagerness, “Yes, and had on
a brown coat, with long skirts.” “The same!” said the blacksmith. “I saw him
pass by an hour ago,” “Did you so?” cried Strap, rubbing his hands, “Odd! I am
very glad of that—which way went he?” “Towards Tyburn in a cart,” said he, “if
you make good speed, you may get thither time enough to see him hanged.” This
piece of wit incensed my friend to such a degree, that he called the blacksmith
scoundrel, and protested he would fight him for half-a-farthing. “No, no!” said
the other, stripping; “I’ll have none of your money—you Scotchmen seldom
carry anything about you; but I’ll fight you for love.” There was a ring
immediately formed by the mob: and Strap, finding he could not get off
honourably without fighting, at the same time burning with resentment against
his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the multitude, and the battle
began with great violence on the side of Strap, who in a few minutes exhausted
his breath and spirits on his patient antagonist, who sustained the assault with
great coolness, till finding the barber quite spent, he returned the blows he had
lent him, with such interest, that Strap, after having received three falls on the
hard stones, gave out, and allowed the blacksmith to be the better man.
The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar hard by,
and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up his clothes, he
perceived that some honest person or other had made free with his shirt,
neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried off; and probably his coat and
waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had they been worth stealing. It
was in vain for him to make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the spectators;
he was fain to get off in this manner, which he accomplished with much
difficulty and appeared before me all besmeared with blood and dirt.
Notwithstanding this misfortune, such was his transport at finding me safe and
sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk me to death with his embraces. After
he had cleaned himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen nightcap, I
recounted to him the particulars of my night’s campaign, which filled him with
admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an observation which was
often in his mouth, namely, ‘that surely London is the devil’s drawing-room.’ As
neither of us had dined, he desired me to get up, and the milkwoman coming
round at that instant, he went downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny
loaf, on which we made a comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me,
which amounted to eighteen-pence, and left me with an intention to borrow an
old wig and hat of his friend the schoolmaster.
He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with great
uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest, in order
to choose and pursue some one that would procure me bread; for it is impossible
to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependence in
which I lived at the expense of a poor barber’s boy. My pride took the alarm, and
having no hopes of succeeding at the Navy Office, I came to a resolution of
enlisting in the foot-guards next day, be the event what it would. This
extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave great satisfaction; and I
was charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when Strap’s return
interrupted my reverie. The schoolmaster had made him a present of the tie-wig
which he wore, when I was introduced to him, together with an old hat, whose
brims would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap had ventured to wear
them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain the mob by day; therefore went
to work immediately, and reduced them both to a moderate size. While he was
employed in this office, he addressed me thus: “To be sure, Mr. Random, you are
born a gentleman, and have a great deal of learning—and, indeed, look like a
gentleman; for, as to person, you may hold up your head with the best of them.
On the other hand, I am a poor but honest cobbler’s son: my mother was as
industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till such time as she took to drinking,
which you very well know; but everybody has failings—Humanum est errare.
Now myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably well made and
understand some Latin, and have a smattering of Greek; but what of that?
Perhaps I might also say, that I know a little of the world; but that is to no
purpose,—though you be gentle, and I simple, it does not follow, but that I who
am simple may do a good office to you who are gentle. Now this is the case: my
kinsman, the schoolmaster—perhaps you did not know how nearly he is related
to me—I’ll satisfy you in that presently; his mother and my grandmother’s
sister’s nephew—no, that’s not it!—my grandfather’s brother’s daughter—rabbit
it! I have forgot the degree. But this I know, he and I are cousins seven times
removed.” My impatience to know the good office he had done me, got the
better of my temper, and I interrupted him at this place with the exclamation, “If
the schoolmaster or you can be of any advantage to me, why don’t you tell me
without all this preamble?” When I pronounced these words with some
vehemence, Strap looked at me for same time with a grave countenance, and
then went on: “I’m very sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late;
you were always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old Periwinkle the
drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive us!) played so many unlucky
tricks while we were at school—but I will no longer detain you in suspense,
because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy than doubt—Dubio procul dubio nil
dubius. My friend or relation, or which you will, or both, the schoolmaster, being
informed of the regard I have for you; for you may be sure I did not fail to let
him know of your good qualities—by the bye, he has undertaken to teach you
the pronunciation of the English tongue, without which, he says, you will be
unfit for business in this country—I say my relation has spoke in your behalf to a
French apothecary who wants a journeyman; and on his recommendation you
may have fifteen pounds a year, bed and board, whenever you please.” I was too
much interested in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but,
jumping up, insisted on Strap’s immediately accompanying me to the house of
his friend, that I might not lose this opportunity through the least delay or
neglect on my part.
We were informed, that the schoolmaster was in company at a publichouse in
the neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking with the very
individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the door at our desire,
and observed my impatience, he broke out into his usual term of admiration.
“Oh! I suppose, when you heard of this offer, you did not take leisure enough to
come downstairs, but leaped out of the window: did you overturn no porter nor
oyster-woman in your way? It was a mercy of God you did not knock your
brains out against some post in your career. Oh, my conscience! I believe, had I
been in the inmost recesses of my habitation—the very penetralia—your
eagerness would have surmounted bolts, bars, decency, and everything. The den
of Cacus, or sanctum sanctorum, could not have hid me from you. But come
along the gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house; I will present you to him
forthwith.” When I entered the room, I perceived four or five people smoking,
one of whom the schoolmaster accosted thus: “Mr. Lavement, here’s the young
man of whom I spoke to you.” The apothecary, who was a little old withered
man, with a forehead about an inch high, a nose turned up at the end, large
cheek-bones that helped to form a pit for his little gray eyes, a great bag of loose
skin hanging down on each side in wrinkles, like the alforjos of a baboon, and a
mouth so much accustomed to that contraction which produces grinning, that he
could not pronounce a syllable without discovering the remains of his teeth,
which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly, by anatomists, called
canine. This person, I say, after having eyed me some time, said, “Oho, ’tis ver
well, Monsieur Concordance; young man, you are ver welcome, take one coup
of bierre—and come to mine house to-morrow morning; Monsieur Concordance
vil show you de way.” Upon this I made my bow, and as I went out of the room
could hear him say, “Ma foi! c’est un beau garçon; c’est un gaillard.”
As I had by my own application, while I served Crab, acquired the French
tongue well enough to read authors written in that language and understand
anything that occurred in conversation, I determined to pretend ignorance to my
new master, that he and his family, whom I supposed to be of the same country,
not being on the reserve before me, I might possibly discover something in
discourse, which would either yield me amusement or advantage. Next morning
Mr. Concordance carried me to the apothecary’s house, where the bargain was
made, and orders given to provide an apartment for me immediately. But before
I entered upon business the schoolmaster recommended me to his tailor, who
gave me credit for a suit of clothes, to be paid out of the first moiety of my
wages, and they were begun upon that very day; he afterwards accommodated
me with a new hat on the same term: so that in a few days I hoped to make a
very fashionable appearance. In the meantime, Strap conveyed my baggage to
the place allotted for me, which was a back room up two pair of stairs, furnished
with a pallet for me to lie upon, a chair without a back, a bottle by way of
candlestick, and a triangular piece of glass instead of a mirror; the rest of its
ornaments having been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience
of the servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.
 CHAPTER XIX
The character of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter—some
anecdotes of the family—the mother and daughter rivals—I am
guilty of a mistake that gives me present satisfaction, but is
attended with troublesome consequences

Next day, while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel well dressed
came on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other; and taking an
opportunity, when she thought I did not mind her, of observing me narrowly,
went away with a silent look of disdain. I easily guessed her sentiments, and my
pride took the resolution of entertaining the same indifference and neglect
towards her. At dinner the maids, with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to
understand that this was my master’s only daughter, who would have a very
handsome fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many young
gentlemen made their addresses to her—that she had been twice on the brink of
marriage, but disappointed by the stinginess of her father, who refused to part
with a shilling to promote the match; for which reason the young lady did not
behave to her father with all the filial veneration that might be expected. In
particular she harboured the most perfect hatred for his countrymen; in which
disposition she resembled her mother, who was an English-woman; and, by the
hints they dropped, I learned the gray mare was the better horse—that she was a
matron of a high spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of her
dependents; that she loved diversions, and looked upon miss as her rival in all
parties—which was indeed the true cause of her disappointments; for had the
mother been hearty in her interest, the father would not have ventured to refuse
her demands. Over and above this intelligence, I, of myself, soon made more
discoveries. Mr. Lavement’s significant grins at his wife, while she looked
another way, convinced me that he was not at all content with his lot; and his
behaviour in presence of the captain made me believe his chief torment was
jealousy. As for my own part, I was considered in no other light than that of a
menial servant, and had been already six days in the house without being
honoured with one word from either mother or daughter; the latter (as I
understood from the maids) having at table one day expressed some surprise that
her papa should entertain such an awkward mean-looking journeyman. I was
nettled at this piece of information, and next Sunday (it being my turn to take my
diversion) dressed myself in my new clothes to the greatest advantage, and,
vanity apart, made no contemptible figure.
After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap and some of
his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by miss, who not
knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as I advanced, which I returned with a
profound bow, and shut the door. By the time I had turned about, she had
perceived her mistake, and changed colour, but did not withdraw. The passage
being narrow, I could not get away without jolting her; so I was forced to remain
where I was with my eyes fixed to the ground, and my face glowing with
blushes. At length, her vanity coming to her assistance, she went away tittering,
and I could hear her pronounce the word ‘creature!’ From this day forward, she
came into the shop fifty times, every day upon various pretences, and put in
practice so many ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive her opinion of me
was changed, and that she did not think me altogether an unworthy conquest.
But my heart was so steeled against her charms by pride and resentment, which
were two chief ingredients in my disposition, that I remained insensible to all her
arts; and notwithstanding some advances she made, could not be prevailed upon
to yield her the least attention. This neglect soon banished all the favourable
impressions she felt for me, and the rage of a slighted woman took place in her
heart; this she manifested not only in all the suggestions her malice could invent
to my prejudice with her father, but also in procuring for me such servile
employments as she hoped would sufficiently humble my spirit. One day in
particular, she ordered me to brush my master’s coat; but I refusing, a smart
dialogue ensued, which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her mother
interposing, and examining into the merits of the cause, determined it in my
favour: and this good office I owed not to any esteem or consideration she had
for me, but solely to the desire of mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion
observed, that let people be never so much in the right, there were some folks
who would never do them justice, but, to be sure, they had their reasons for it,
which some people were ignorant of, although they despised their little arts. This
insinuation of some people and some folks put me upon observing the behaviour
of my mistress more narrowly for the future: and it was not long before I had
reason to believe that she looked upon her daughter as a rival in the affections of
Captain O’Donnell, who lodged in the house.
In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me the goodwill of my
master, who would often say in French, “Mardy! c’est un bon garçon.” He had a
great deal of business; but he was mostly employed among his fellow refugees,
his profits were small. However, his expense for medicines was not great; for he
was the most expert man at a succedaneum of any apothecary in London, so that
I have been sometimes amazed to see him, without the least hesitation, make up
a physician’s prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine
mentioned in it. Oyster-shells he could convert into crab’s eyes; common oil into
oil of sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into balsamic syrup; Thames water into
aqua cinnamoni; and a hundred more costly preparations were produced in an
instant, from the cheapest and coarsest drugs of the materia medica: and when
any common thing was ordered for a patient, he always took care to disguise it
in colour or taste, or both, in such a manner that it could not possibly be known;
for which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves were of great service. Mr.
Lavement had attempted more than once to introduce a vegetable diet into his
family, by launching out into the praise of roots and greens, and decrying the use
of flesh, both as a physician and philosopher; but all his rhetoric could not make
one proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his bosom declared against the
proposal.
One afternoon, when her husband was abroad, and his daughter gone to visit,
this lady ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in which she and the captain drove
towards Covent Garden. Miss came home in the evening, and, supping at her
usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o’clock my master entered, and asked if
his wife was gone to sleep: upon which I told him, my mistress went out in the
afternoon, and was not yet returned. This was like a clap of thunder to the poor
apothecary, who starting back, cried, “Mort de ma vie! vat you tell a me? My
vife not at home!” At that instant a patient’s servant arrived with a prescription
for a draught, which my master taking, went into the shop to make it up with his
own hand. While he rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he inquired of me,
whether or no his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard that she was in
company with the captain, than with one blow he split the mortar into a thousand
pieces, and grinning like the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, “Ah, traitresse!” It
would have been impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a minute
longer, when I was happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and
perceived my mistress coming out of the coach. She flounced immediately into
the shop, and addressed her husband thus: “I suppose you thought I was lost, my
dear. Captain O’Donnell has been so good as to treat me with a play.” The reply,
it may be supposed, was anything but courteous but the captain, who had been
all the time at the door discharging the coach, entered, and Mr. Lavement,
changing his tone, saluted him with all the usual politesse of a Frenchman.
Shortly after this event, by the knowledge which I acquired of the family
secrets, my life became much more agreeable; and as I every day improved in
my knowledge of the town I shook off my awkward air by degrees, and acquired
the character of a polite journeyman apothecary.
 CHAPTER XX

I am assaulted and dangerously wounded—suspect O’Donnell,

and am confirmed in my opinion—concert a scheme of revenge,
and put it into execution—O’Donnell robs his own servant and
disappears—make my addresses to a lady, and am miraculously
delivered from her snare

One night, at about twelve o’clock, as I returned from visiting a patient at

Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen hand, that stretched me
senseless on the ground; and was left for dead with three stabs of a sword in my
body. The groans I uttered when I recovered the use of my reason alarmed the
people of a solitary alehouse that stood near the spot where I lay: and they were
humane enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who dressed my wounds,
and assured me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the skin
and muscles of one side of my belly in such a manner, that doubtless the assassin
imagined he had run me through the entrails. The second slanted along one of
my ribs; and the last, which was intended for the finishing stroke, having been
directed to my heart, the sword snapped upon my breast-bone, and the point
remained sticking in the skin. When I reflected upon this event, I could not
persuade myself that I had been assaulted by a common footpad, because it is
not usual for such people to murder though they rob, especially when they meet
with no resistance; and I found my money, and everything else about me but my
carcase, safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have been mistaken for
another, or obliged to the private resentment of some secret enemy for what had
happened; and as I could remember nobody who had the least cause of
complaint against me, except Captain O’Donnell and my master’s daughter, my
suspicion settled upon them, though I took care to conceal it, that I might the
sooner arrive at confirmation.
With this view, I went home in the chair about ten o’clock in the morning; and
as the chairman supported me into the house, met the captain in the passage,
who no sooner saw me than he started back and gave evident signs of guilty
confusion, which he would have accounted for from surprise occasioned by the
seeing me in such a condition. My master having heard my story, condoled me
with a good deal of sympathy, and when he understood my wounds were not
dangerous, ordered me to be carried upstairs to bed; though not without some
opposition from his wife, who was of opinion that it would be better for me to go
to an hospital, where I should be more carefully attended. My meditation was
employed in concerting with myself some method of revenge against Squire
O’Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked upon as the author of my
misfortune; when miss, who was not at home at my arrival, entered my chamber,
and saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked if I
suspected anybody to be the assassin; upon which I fixed my eyes steadfastly
upon her and answered, “Yes.” She discovered no symptom of confusion, but
replied hastily, “If that be the case, why don’t you take out a warrant, to have
him apprehended? It will cost but a trifle—if you have no money, I’ll lend you.”
This frankness not only cured me of my suspicion with respect to her, but even
staggered my belief with regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolved to have
further proof before I should enterprise anything in the way of revenge. I
thanked her kindly for her generous offer, which, however, I had no occasion to
accept, being determined to do nothing rashly: for though I could plainly
perceive the person who attacked me to be a soldier, whose face I thought was
familiar to me, I could not swear with a safe conscience to any particular man;
and, granting I could, my prosecution of him would not much avail.
This uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her that I knew the
person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw before I could be in a
condition to requite him. In two days I was up and able to do a little business, so
that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on his practice without hiring another
journeyman in my room.
The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret enemy,
was to get into O’Donnell’s apartment, while he was abroad in an undress, and
examine his sword, the point of which being broken off, I applied the fragment
that was found sticking in my body, and found it answered the fractured part
exactly. There was no room left for doubt; and all that remained was to fix upon
a scheme of revenge, which almost solely engrossed my thoughts during the
space of eight nights and days. Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the
same manner as he had practised upon me, and kill him outright. But this assault
my honour opposed as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be
imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding satisfaction in an
honourable way; but was diverted from this undertaking by considering the
uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had done me, which did
not entitle him to such easy terms. At last I determined to pursue a middle
course, and actually put my design in execution after this manner. Having
secured the assistance of Strap and two of his acquaintance whom he could
depend upon, we provided ourselves with disguises, and I caused the following
letter to be delivered to him by one of our associates in livery, one Sunday
evening:—

“Sir—If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will not

be disagreeable for you to hear that my husband is gone to
Bagshot to visit a patient, and will not return till to-morrow
night; so that, if you have anything to propose to me (as your
behaviour on many occasions has seemed to insinuate), you will
do well to embrace the present opportunity of seeing,

Yours, etc.”

This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary’s wife who lived in
Chelsea, of whom I had heard O’Donnell was an admirer. Everything succeeded
to our wish. The hero hastened towards the place of appointment, and was
encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted me. We rushed upon
him all at once, secured his sword, stripped off his clothes even to the skin,
which was scourged with nettles till he was blistered from head to foot,
notwithstanding all the eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was
satisfied with the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we hid
in a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find his way home in the
best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him. I afterwards
understood that, in his way to the lodgings of a friend, who lived in the skirts of
the town, he was picked up by the watch, who carried him to the round-house,
from whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings, and next morning arrived at the
door in a chair, wrapt up in a blanket he had borrowed; for his body was so sore
and swelled, that he could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel. He was
treated with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied
with each other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement himself could
not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious grins, while he ordered me
to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to myself, nobody can doubt my
gratification, when I had every day an opportunity of seeing my revenge
protracted on the body of my adversary, by the ulcers of which I had been the
cause; and, indeed, I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flea’d him alive,
but another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his being attacked and
stripped in such a place having been inserted in the news, gave information to
those who found his clothes next day, whither to bring them; and accordingly he
retrieved everything he had lost except a few letters, among which was that
which I had writ to him in the name of the apothecary’s wife. This, and the
others, which were all on the subject of love (for this Hibernian hero was one of
those people who are called fortune-hunters), fell into the hands of a certain
female author, famous for the scandal she has published; who, after having
embellished them with some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the
to town in print. I was very much shocked on reflection, that I might possibly be
the occasion of a whole family’s unhappiness on account of the letter I had
written; but was eased of that apprehension, when I understood that the Chelsea
apothecary had commenced a lawsuit against the printer for defamation, and
looked upon the whole as a piece of forgery committed by the author, who had
disappeared. But whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies
seemed to entertain a different idea of it: for as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I
could perceive their care of their patient considerably diminish, till at last it
ended in a total neglect. It was impossible for him to be ignorant of this change,
any more than of the occasion of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having
deserved worse than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so
cheaply, and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the
apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an inkling of the appointment with
his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner described. By the time he had
got a new scarf skin his character was become so notorious, that he thought it
high time for him to decamp; and his retreat he performed in one night, without
beat of drum, after having robbed his own servant of everything that belonged to
him except the clothes he had on his back.
A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security, took into
his custody a large old trunk which he had left; and as it was very heavy, made
no question that the contents were sufficient to indemnify him for what
O’Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being elapsed without hearing any
tidings of this adventurer, and my master being impatient to know what the trunk
contained, he ordered me to break it open in his presence, which task I
performed with the pestle of our great mortar, and discovered, to his
inexpressible astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones.
About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go abroad
with a gentleman in quality of valet de chambre and at the same time assured me
that, whatever advantage he might propose to himself from this prospect, he
could not bear the thoughts of parting from me, so much was he attached to my
fortune. In spite of all the obligations I owed to this poor, honest fellow,
ingratitude is so natural to the heart of man, that I began to be tired of his
acquaintance: and now that I had contracted other friendships which appeared
more creditable, was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber inquiring after
me with the familiarity of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of consulting his
welfare, insisted upon his accepting the proposal, which he at last determined to
embrace, with great reluctance, and in a few days, took his leave of me,
shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion. I now
began to look upon me as of a gentleman in reality; learned to dance, frequented
plays during the holidays; became the oracle of an ale-house, where every
dispute was referred to my decision; and at length contracted an acquaintance
with a young lady, who found means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon
whom I prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise
of marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I blessed my
good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all my wishes by
matrimony, when I made such a discovery as effectually turned me from my
design, and I abandoned all thoughts of marriage for the future.
 CHAPTER XXI
Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master—is involved in a
troublesome affair, out of which he is extricated by me—he
marries my master’s daughter—they conspire against me—I am
found guilty of theft, discharged—deserted by my friends, I hire
a room in St. Gile’s—where, by accident, I find the lady to
whom I paid my addresses in a miserable condition—I relieve
her

When I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Lavement let his first
floor to my countryman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, who by this time had
got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial ferocity in his appearance that I
was afraid he would remember what happened between us in Scotland, and
atone for his breach of appointment then by his punctuality now; but whether he
had actually forgot me, or was willing to make me believe so, he betrayed not
the least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite cured of
my apprehension; though I had occasion not long after to be convinced, that
howsoever his externals might be altered, he was at bottom the same individual
Gawky, whom I have already described. For coming home late one night from
the house of a patient, I heard a noise in the street, and as I approached,
perceived two gentlemen in custody, of three watchmen. The prisoners, who
were miserable, disfigured with dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of their hats
and wigs; and one of them, whom by his tongue I know to be a Scotchman,
lamented most piteously, offering a guinea for his liberty, which the watchman
refused, alleging that one of his companions was wounded grievously, and that
he must stand to the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my native country
was so strong, that I could not bear to see anybody belonging to it in distress,
and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the watchman
who had hold of the person for whom I was chiefly concerned. He was no sooner
disengaged, than he betook himself to his heels, and left me to maintain the
dispute as I should think proper; and, indeed, I came off but scurvily, for, before
I could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the eye, from one of the
other two, that had well nigh deprived me of the use of that organ. However, I
made shift to get home, where I was informed of Captain Gawky’s being robbed
and abused by a company of footpads, and was ordered by my master to prepare
an emollient glyster and paregoric draught, in order to allay and compose the
ferment of his spirits, occasioned by the barbarous treatment he had undergone,
while he took twelve ounces of blood from him immediately.
When I inquired into the particulars of this adventure, and understood by the
servant that he came in just before me, without hat and wig, I made no scruple of
believing him to be the person I had released, and was confirmed in my belief
upon hearing his voice, to which (before that event) I had long been a stranger.
My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect upon my
enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to declare the truth
of the whole story in order to be revenged on the cowardly wretch for whom I
had suffered: accordingly, next day after he had told, in presence of my master,
his wife and daughter, who came to him, a thousand lies concerning the prowess
he had shown in making his escape, I ventured to explain the mystery, and,
calling in the evidence of my contused eye, upbraided him with cowardice and
ingratitude. Gawky was so astonished at this that he could not answer one word,
and the rest of the company stared at one another; till at length my mistress
reprimanded me for my insolent behaviour, and threatened to turn me away for
my presumption. Upon which, Gawky (having recollected himself) observed, as
the young man might have mistaken another person for him, he could forgive his
insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have suffered for his incivility; but
advised me to be more certain in my conjectures for the future, before I ventured
to publish them to the prejudice of any man. Miss applauded the Captain’s
generosity in pardoning one who had so villainously aspersed him, and I began
to imagine her praise was not at all disinterested. But the apothecary, who
perhaps had more penetration or less partiality than his wife and daughter,
differed from them in their sentiments of the matter, and expressed himself to me
in the shop in this manner: “Ah mon pauvre Roderique! you have more of de
veracite dan of de prudence—bot mine vife and dater be diablement sage, and
Monsieur le Capitaine un fanfaron, pardieu!”
This eulogium on his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically by him, was
nevertheless literally just; by espousing the cause of Gawky, the one obliged a
valuable lodger, and the other acquired a husband at a juncture when one was
absolutely necessary. The young lady insinuated herself so artfully into the
affection of this new lodger, that in less than a fortnight, on pretence of going to
the play, they drove away together to the Fleet, where they were married; and in
the morning came home, where they asked her father’s and mother’s blessing.
The prudent parents, notwithstanding the precipitation with which the match was
carried on, did not think fit to refuse their approbation; for the apothecary was
not ill pleased to find his daughter married to a young man of a good prospect,
who had not mentioned one syllable on the article of her dowry; and his wife
was rejoiced at being rid of a rival and a spy upon her. Whatever face Gawky put
on the matter, my discovery of the adventure before related, and the reproaches I
vented against him, had stung him to the soul, and cherished the seeds of enmity
so strongly in his breast, that he imparted his indignation to his wife, who being
as desirous as himself to accomplish the ruin of one that not only slighted her
caresses, but was able on any occasion to discover particulars not at all
advantageous to her character, readily joined in a conspiracy against me, which
(had it taken effect as they expected) would infallibly have brought me to an
ignominious death.
My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines, of
which I could give no account, at last lost all patience, and in plain terms taxed
me with having embezzled them for my own use. As I could only oppose my
single asseveration to his suspicion, he told me one day, “Your vord not be give
me de satisfaction—me find necessaire to chercher for my medicine; pardonnez
moi—il faut chercher—me demand le clef of your coffre a cette heure.” Then
raising his voice to conceal the fright he was in lest I should make any
opposition, he went on, “Oui! I charge you rendez le clef of your coffre—moi—
si, moi qui vous parle.” I was fired with so much resentment and disdain at this
accusation, that I burst into tears, which he took for a sign of guilt; and pulling
out my key, told him he might satisfy himself immediately, though he would not
find it so easy to satisfy me for the injury my reputation had suffered from his
unjust suspicion. He took the key and mounted up to my chamber, attended by
the whole family, saying, “Eh bien, nous verrons—nous verrons.” But what was
my horror and amazement, when, opening my chest, he pulled out a handful of
the very things that were missing, and pronounced, “Ah, ha, vous etes bienvenu
—mardy, Mons. Roderique, you be fort innocent!” I had not power to utter one
word in my own vindication, but stood motionless and silent, while everybody
present made their respective remarks on what appeared against me. The
servants said they were sorry for my misfortune, and went away repeating,
“Who would have thought it?” My mistress took occasion from this detection to
rail against the practice of employing strangers in general; and Mrs. Gawky,
after having observed that she never had a good opinion of my fidelity, proposed
to have me carried before the justice and committed to Newgate immediately.
Her husband was actually upon the stairs in his way for a constable, when Mr.
Lavement knowing the cost and trouble of a prosecution to which he must bind
himself, and at the same time dreading lest some particulars of my confession
might affect his practice, called out. “Restez, mon fils! restez, it be veritablement
one grand crime which dis pauvre diable have committed—bot peut-etre de good
God give him de penitence, and me vill not have upon mine head de blood of
one sinner.” The captain and his lady used all the Christian arguments their zeal
could suggest to prevail upon the apothecary to pursue me to destruction, and
represented the injustice he did to the community of which he was a member, in
letting a villain escape, who would not fail of doing more mischief in the world
when he should reflect on his coming off so easily now; but their eloquence
made no impression on my master, who turning to me said, “Go, miserable, go
from mine house quick, quick!—and make reparation for your mauvaise
actions.” By this time my indignation had roused me from the stupefaction in
which I had hitherto remained and I began in this manner:—“Sir, appearances I
own condemn me; but you are imposed upon as much as I am abused: I have
fallen a sacrifice to the rancour of that scoundrel” (pointing to Gawky) “who has
found means to convey your goods hither, that the detection of them might blast
my reputation, and accomplish my destruction. His hatred to me is owing to a
consciousness of his having wronged me in my own country—for which injury
he in a cowardly manner, refused me the satisfaction of a gentleman; he knows,
moreover, that I am no stranger to his dastardly behaviour in this town, which I
have recounted before, and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his
ingratitude and pusillanimity should live upon the earth; for this reason he is
guilty of the most infernal malice to bring about my ruin. And I am afraid,
madam (turning to Mrs. Gawky) you have too easily entered into the sentiments
of your husband. I have often found you my enemy, and am well acquainted
with the occasion of your being so, which I don’t at present think proper to
declare; but I would advise you, for your own sake, not to drive me to
extremity.” This address enraged her so much that with a face as red us scarlet
and the eyes of a fury, she strutted up to me and putting her hands in her side,
spat in my face, saying, I was a scandalous villain, but she defied my malice; and
that unless her papa would not prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would not
stay another night under his roof. At the same time, Gawky assuming a big look,
told me, he scorned what lies I could invent against him; but that, if I pretended
to asperse his wife, he would put me to death. To this threat I answered, “I wish I
could meet with thee in a desert, that I might have an opportunity of punishing
thee for thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world of such a rascal. What hinders
me this moment,” said I, seizing an old bottle that stood by, “from doing myself
that justice?” I had no sooner armed myself in this manner, than Gawky and his
father-in-law retired in such a hurry, that the one overturned the other, and they
rolled together down stairs, while my mistress swooned away with fear, and her
daughter asked if I intended to murder her. I gave her to understand, that nothing
was farther from my intention, that I would leave her to the stings of her own
conscience; but was firmly resolved to slit her husband’s nose, whenever fortune
should offer a convenient opportunity. Then going down stairs, I met Lavement
coming up trembling with the pestle in his hand, and Gawky behind armed with
his sword, pushing him forward. I demanded a parley: and having assured him of
my pacific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, “Ah, villain! you have killed my dear
wife.” And the apothecary cried, “Ah, coquin! vere is my shild?” “The lady,”
said I, “is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will, a few months hence, I believe
reward your concern.” Here she called to them, and desired they would let the
wretch go, and trouble themselves no further about him. To which request her
father consented, observing, nevertheless, that my conversation was ‘very
mysterious.’
Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house immediately,
and went to the schoolmaster, with an intention of clearing myself to him, and
asking his advice with regard to my future conduct; but, to my inexpressible
vexation, he was gone to the country, where he would stay two or three days. I
returned with a design of consulting some acquaintance I had acquired in the
neighbourhood; but my story had taken air through the officiousness of the
servants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a hearing. Thus I found
myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more deplorable condition than
ever: for though I had been formerly as poor, my reputation was without
blemish, and my health unimpaired till now; but at present my good name was
lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body was infected by an
odious distemper; and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield me pity and
assistance, absent I knew not where.
The first resolution I could take in this melancholy conjuncture, was to
remove my clothes to the house of the person with whom I had formerly lodged,
where I remained two days in hopes of getting another place by the interest of
Mr. Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able to vindicate my
character; but in this supposition I reckoned without my best, for Lavement took
care to be beforehand with me; and when I attempted to explain the whole affair
to the schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against me, that he would
scarce hear me to an end; but when I had finished my justification, shook his
head, and beginning with his usual exclamation said, “That won’t go down with
me. I am very sorry I should have the misfortune of being concerned in the
affair, but, however, shall be more cautious for the future. I will trust no man
from henceforward—no, not my father who begat me, nor the brother who lay
with me in my mother’s womb: should Daniel rise from the dead, I would think
him an impostor; and were the genius of truth to appear, would question its
veracity!” I told him, that one day it was possible he might be convinced of the
injury I had suffered, and repent of his premature determination. To which
remark he answered, the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate
with joy; “but till that shall happen,” continued he, “I must beg to have no
manner of connection with you—my reputation is at stake. I shall be looked
upon as your accomplice and abettor—people will say Jonathan Wild was but a
type of me—boys will hoot at me as I pass along; and the cinder-wenches belch
forth reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with gin: I shall be notorious—the
very butt of slander, and sink of infamy!” I was not in a humour to relish the
climax of expressions upon which this gentleman valued himself in all his
discourses; but, without any ceremony, took my leave, cursed with every
sentiment of horror which my situation could suggest. I considered, however, in
the intervals of my despondence, that I must, in some shape suit my expense to
my calamitous circumstances, and with that view hired an apartment in a garret
near St. Giles’s, at the rate of nine-pence per week.
I one day, when I sat in this solitary retreat musing upon the unhappiness of
my fate, was alarmed by a groan that issued from a chamber contiguous to mine,
into which I immediately ran, and found a woman stretched on a miserable
truckle bed, without any visible signs of life. Having applied a smelling bottle to
her nose, the blood began to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but,
good heaven! what were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered her to be
the same individual lady who had triumphed over my heart, and to whose fate I
had almost been inseparably joined! Her deplorable situation filled my breast
with compassion. She knew me immediately; and, straining me gently in her
arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could not help increasing. At length,
casting a languishing look at me, she pronounced with a feeble voice, “Dear Mr.
Random, I do not deserve this concern at your hands: I am a vile creature, who
had a base design upon your person—suffer me, to expiate that, and all my other
crimes, by a miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours.”
I encouraged her as much as I could, told her I forgave all her intentions with
regard to me; and that, although my circumstances were extremely low, I would
share my last farthing with her. I begged in the meantime to know the immediate
cause of that fit from which she had just recovered, and said, I would endeavour
by my skill to prevent any more such attacks. She seemed very much affected
with this expression, took my hand, and pressed it to her lips, saying, “You are
too generous! I wish I could live to express my gratitude—but alas! I perish for
want.” Then shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another swoon. Such extremity
of distress must have waked the most obdurate heart to sympathy and
compassion; what effect then must it have had on mine, that was naturally prone
to every tender passion? I ran downstairs, and sent my landlady to a chemist’s
shop for some cinnamon water, while I, returning to this unfortunate creature’s
chamber, used all the means in my power to bring her to herself; this aim with
much difficulty I accomplished, and made her drink a glass of the cordial to
recruit her spirits: then I prepared a little mulled red wine and a toast, which
having taken, she found herself thoroughly revived, and informed me, that she
had not tasted food for eight and forty hours before. As I was impatient to know
the occasion and nature of her calamity, she gave me to understand, that she was
a woman of the town by profession; that in the course of her adventures she
found herself dangerously infected with a distemper, to which all of her class are
particularly subject; that her malady gaining ground every day, she became
loathsome to herself and offensive to others: when she resolved to retire to some
obscure corner where she might be cured with as little noise and expense as
possible; that she had accordingly chosen this place of retreat, and put herself
into the hands of an advertising doctor, who having fleeced her of all the money
she had, or could procure, left her three days ago in a worse condition than that
in which he found her; that except the clothes on her back, she had pawned or
sold everything that belonged to her to satisfy that rapacious quack, and quiet the
clamour of her landlady, who still persisted in her threats to turn her out into the
street. After having moralised upon these particulars, I proposed that she should
lodge in the same room with me, an expedient that would save some money: and
assured her, I would undertake to cure her as well as my own, during which she
should partake of all the conveniences that I could afford to myself. She
embraced my offer with unfeigned acknowledgment, and I began to put it in
practice immediately. I found her not only an agreeable companion, whose
conversation greatly alleviated my chagrin, but also a careful nurse, who served
me with the utmost fidelity and affection. One day, while I testified my surprise
that a woman of her beauty, good sense, and education (for she had a large
portion of each), could be reduced to such an infamous and miserable way of
life, she answered with a sigh, “These very advantages were the cause of my
undoing.” This remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I
begged she would favour me with the particulars of her story, and she complied
in these words.
 CHAPTER XXII

The History of Miss Williams

‘My father was an eminent merchant in the city who having, in the course of
trade, suffered very considerable losses, retired in his old age with his wife to a
small estate in the country, which he had purchased with the remains of his
fortune. At that time, I being but eight years of age, was left in town for the
convenience of education, boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid presbyterian,
and confined me so closely to what she called the duties of religion, that in time I
grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees received an aversion for the good
books, she daily recommended to my perusal. As I increased in age, and
appeared with a person not disagreeable, I contracted a good deal of
acquaintance among my own sex; one of whom, after having lamented the
restraint I was under from the narrowness of my aunt’s sentiments, told me I
must now throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her influence and
example, and learn to think for myself; for which purpose she advised me to read
Shaftsbury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the authors that are remarkable for their
deviation from the old way of thinking, and by comparing one with the other, I
should soon be able to form a system of my own. I followed her advice; and
whether it was owing to my prepossession against what I had formerly read, or
the clearness of argument in these my new instructors, I know not; but I studied
them with pleasure, and in a short time became a professed freethinker. Proud of
my improvement, I argued in all companies, and that with such success, that I
soon acquired the reputation of a philosopher, and few people durst undertake
me in a dispute. I grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretended to
make my aunt a proselyte to my opinion; but she no sooner perceived my drift
than, taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of my heresy, and
conjured him, as he tendered the good of my soul, to remove me immediately
from the dangerous place where I had contracted such sinful principles.
Accordingly, my father ordered me into the country, where I arrived in the
fifteenth year of my age, and, by his command gave him a detail of all the
articles of my faith, which he did not find so unreasonable as they had been
represented. Finding myself suddenly deprived of the company and pleasures of
the town, I grew melancholy and it was some time before I could relish my
situation. But solitude became every day more and more familiar to me and I
consoled myself in my retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times
as were not employed in the management of the family (for my mother had been
dead three years), in visiting, or some other party of rural diversion. Having
more imagination than judgment, I addicted myself too much to poetry and
romance; and, in short, was looked upon as a very extraordinary person by
everybody in the country where I resided.
‘I had one evening strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that bordered
on the high road, at a little distance from my father’s house, when a certain
drunken squire, riding by, perceived me, and crying, “Holloa, there’s a charming
creature!” alighted in a moment, caught me in his arms, and treated me so rudely
that I shrieked as loud as I could, and in the meantime opposed his violence with
all the strength that rage and resentment could inspire. During this struggle,
another horseman came up, who, seeing a lady so unworthily used, dismounted,
and flew to my assistance. The squire, mad with disappointment, or provoked
with the reproaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, and running to his horse,
drew a pistol from the saddle, and fired it at my protector, who happily receiving
no damage, went up, and, with the butt-end of his whip laid him prostrate on the
ground before he could use the other, which his antagonist immediately seized,
and, clapping to the squire’s breast, threatened to put him to death for his
cowardice and treachery. In this dilemma I interposed and begged his life, which
was granted to my request, after he had asked pardon, and swore his intention
was only to obtain a kiss. However, my defender thought proper to unload the
other pistol, and throw away the flints, before he gave him his liberty. This
courteous stranger conducted me home, where my father having learned the
signal service he had done me, loaded him with caresses, and insisted on his
lodging that night at our house. If the obligation he had conferred upon me justly
inspired me with sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation
seemed to entitle him to somewhat more. He was about the age of two-and-
twenty, among the tallest of the middle size; had chestnut-coloured hair, which
he wore tied up in a ribbon; a high polished forehead, a nose inclining to the
aquiline, lively blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a certain
openness of countenance—but why need I describe any more particulars of his
person? I hope you will do me the justice to believe I do not flatter, when I say
he was the exact resemblance of you; and if I had not been well acquainted with
his family and degree, I should have made no scruple of concluding that you was
his brother. He spoke and seemed to have no reserve: for what he said was
ingenuous, sensible, and uncommon. “In short,” said she, bursting into tears, “he
was formed for the ruin of our sex. His behaviour was modest and respectful, but
his looks were so significant, that I could easily observe he secretly blessed the
occasion that introduced him to my acquaintance. We learned from his discourse
that he was the eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to
whose name we were no strangers—that he had been to visit an acquaintance in
the country, from whose house he was returning home, when my shrieks brought
him to my rescue.”
‘All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous expectations:
there was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman’s coming to the relief of
a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately became enamoured, that all I
had read of love and chivalry recurred to my fancy; and I looked upon myself as
a princess in some region of romance, who being delivered from the power of
some brutal giant or satyr, by a generous Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as
well as led by inclination, to yield up my affections to him without reserve. In
vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits by reflections more
reasonable and severe: the amusing images took full possession of my mind, and
my dreams represented my hero sighing at my feet, in the language of a
despairing lover. Next morning after breakfast he took his leave, when my father
begged the favour of further acquaintance with him; to which request he replied
by a compliment to him, and a look to me so full of eloquence and tenderness,
that my whole soul received the soft impression. In a short time he repeated his
visit; and as a recital of the particular steps he pursued to ruin me would be
tedious and impertinent, let it suffice to say, he made it his business to insinuate
himself into my esteem, by convincing me of his own good sense, and at the
same time flattering my understanding. This task he performed in the most artful
manner, by seeming to contradict me often through misapprehension, that I
might have an opportunity of clearing myself the more to my own honour.
Having thus secured my good opinion, he began to give me some tokens of a
particular passion, founded on a veneration of the qualities of my mind, and, as
an accidental ornament, admired the beauties of my person; till at being fully
persuaded of his conquest, he chose a proper season for the theme, and disclosed
his love in terms so ardent and sincere, that it was impossible for me to disguise
the sentiments of my heart, and he received my approbation with the most lively
transport. After this mutual declaration, we contrived to meet more frequently in
private interviews, where we enjoyed the conversation of one another, in all the
elevation of fancy and impatience of hope that reciprocal adoration can inspire.
He professed his honourable intentions, of which I made no question; lamented
the avaricious disposition of his father, who had destined him for the arms of
another, and vowed eternal fidelity with such an appearance of candour and
devotion—that I became a dupe to his deceit. Cursed be the day on which I gave
away my innocence and peace! Cursed be my beauty that first attracted the
attention of the seducer! Cursed be my education, that, by refining my
sentiments, made my heart the more susceptible! Cursed be my good sense, that
fixed me to one object, and taught me the preference I enjoyed was but my due!
Had I been ugly, nobody would have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the
charms of my person would not have atoned for the coarseness of my
conversation; had I been giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations,
and my ideas would have been so diffused, that I should never have listened to
the enchantments of one alone.
‘But to return to my unfortunate story. After some months, the visits of my
lover became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm: I perceived his
coldness, my heart took the alarm, my tears reproached him, and I insisted upon
the performance of his promise to espouse me, that, whatever should happen, my
reputation might be safe. He seemed to acquiesce in my proposal, and left me on
pretence of finding a proper clergyman to unite us in the bands of wedlock. But
alas! the inconstant had no intention to return. I waited a whole week with the
utmost impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at other times inventing
excuses for him, and condemning myself for harbouring suspicions of his faith.
At length I understood from a gentleman who dined at our house, that this
perfidious wretch was on the point of setting out for London with his bride, to
buy clothes for their approaching nuptials. This information distracted me! Rage
took possession of my soul; I denounced a thousand imprecations, and formed as
many schemes of revenge against the traitor who had undone me. Then my
resentment would subside to silent sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I lost, I
wept over my infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for
a moment cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favourable
circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe his absence to
the vigilance of a suspicious father who compelled him to a match his soul
abhorred, and comfort myself with the expectation of seeing him before the
thing should be brought to any terms of agreement. But how vain was my
imagination! That villain left me without remorse, and in a few days the news of
his marriage were spread all over the country. My horror was then
inconceivable; and had not the desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I should
infallibly have put an end to my miserable life. My father observed the
symptoms of my despair: and though I have good reason to believe he guessed
the cause, was at a great deal of pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while he
endeavoured with parental fondness to alleviate my distress. I saw his concern,
which increased my anguish, and raised my fury against the author of my
calamity to an implacable degree.
‘Having furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement from this
unhappy parent in the night-time, and about break of day arrived at a small town,
from whence a stage coach set out for London, in which I embarked, and next
day alighted in town; the spirit of revenge having supported me all the way
against every other reflection, My first care was to hire a lodging, in which I kept
myself very retired, assumed a feigned name, that my character and situation
might be better concealed. It was not long before I found out the house of my
lover, whither I immediately repaired in a transport of rage, determined to act
some desperate deed for the satisfaction of my despair, though the hurry of my
spirits would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a particular plan. When I
demanded admission to Lothario (so let me call him), I was desired to send up
my name and business; but this I refused, telling the porter I had business for his
master’s private ear; upon which I was conducted into a parlour until he should
be informed of my request. There I remained about a quarter of an hour, when a
servant entered and told me his master was engaged with company, and begged
to be excused at that time. My temper could hold out no longer. I pulled out a
poniard from my bosom, where I had concealed it, and rushing out flew up stairs
like a fury, exclaiming, “Where’s this perfidious villain? could I plunge this
dagger into his false heart, I should then die satisfied!” The noise I made alarmed
not only the servants, but the company also, who hearing my threats came
forward to the staircase to see was the matter. I was seized, disarmed, and
withheld by two footmen; and in this situation felt the most exquisite torture in
beholding my undoer approach with his young wife. I could not endure the sight,
was deprived of my senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I know not
how I was treated; but when I recovered the use of reflection, found myself on a
bed in a paltry apartment, where I was attended by an old woman, who asked a
thousand impertinent questions relating to my condition, and informed me that
my behaviour had thrown the whole family into confusion; that Lothario
affirmed I was mad, and proposed to have me sent to Bedlam; but my lady
persuaded herself there was more in my conduct than he cared should be known,
and had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that I should be
narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without making any other reply than
desiring she would do me the favour to call a chair; but this she told me could
not be done without her master’s consent, which, however, was easily procured,
and I was conveyed to my lodgings in a state of mind that baffles all description.
The agitation of my thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a miscarriage;
and I believe it is well for my conscience that heaven thus disposed of my
burden; for let me own to you with penitence and horror, if I had brought a
living child into the world, my frenzy would have prompted me to sacrifice the
little innocent to my resentment of the father’s infidelity.
‘After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate and
calm: when one day my landlady informed me that there was a gentleman below
who desired to see me, he having something of consequence to impart, which he
was sure would contribute to my peace of mind. I was exceedingly alarmed at
this declaration, which I attempted to interpret a thousand ways; and before I
came to any determination he entered my room, with an apology for intruding
without my knowledge or consent. I surveyed him some time, and not being able
to recollect his face, demanded, with a faltering accent, what his business was
with me? Upon which he desired I would give him a particular audience, and he
did not doubt of communicating something that would conduce to my
satisfaction and repose. As I thought myself sufficiently guarded against any
violence, I granted his request, and bade the woman withdraw. The stranger, then
advancing, gave me to understand that he was well acquainted with the
particulars of my story, having been informed of them from Lothario’s own
mouth—that from the time he knew my misfortunes he had entertained a
detestation for the author of them, which had of late been increased and inflamed
to a desire of revenge, by a piece of dishonourable conduct towards him—that
hearing of my melancholy situation, he had come with an intention of offering
his assistance and comfort, and was ready to espouse my quarrel, and forthwith
take vengeance on my seducer, provided I would grant him one consideration,
which, he hoped, I should see no reason to refuse. Had all the artifice of hell
been employed in composing a persuasive, it could not have had a more
instantaneous or favourable effect than this discourse had upon me. I was
transported with a delirium of gloomy joy. The contract was made; he devoted
himself to my revenge, undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to
bring me an account of his death before morning. Accordingly, about two of the
clock, he was introduced to my chamber, and assured me that my perfidious
lover was no more: that although he was not entitled to such an honourable
proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to the field, where he upbraided him
with his treachery towards me, for whom, he told me, his sword was drawn, and
after a few passes left him weltering in his blood. I was so savaged by my
wrongs, that I delighted in the recital of this adventure, made him repeat the
particulars and feasted my eyes on the blood that remained on his clothes and
sword. My imagination was so engrossed by these ideas, that in my sleep I
dreamed Lothario appeared before me pale, mangled, and bloody, blamed my
rashness, protested his innocence, and pleaded his cause so pathetically, that I
was convinced of his fidelity, and waked in a fit of horror and remorse. I dropped
asleep again, and the same apparition recurred to my fancy. In short, I passed the
night in great misery, and looked upon my avenger with such abhorrence, that in
the morning, perceiving my aversion, he insinuated there was still a possibility
of Lothario’s recovery: it was quite true he left him wounded on the ground, but
not quite dead, and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal. At these words I
started up, bade him fly for intelligence, and if he could not bring me tidings of
Lothario’s safety, at least consult his own, and never return; for I was resolved to
surrender myself to justice, and declare all I knew of the affair, that, if possible I
might expiate my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sincere repentance and
ignominious death. He very coolly represented the unreasonableness of my
prejudice against him, who had done nothing but what his love of me inspired,
and honour justified: that now he had, at the risk of his life, been subservient to
my revenge, I was about to discard him as an infamous agent, occasionally
necessary; and that, even if he should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario’s
safety, it was probable my former resentment might revive, and I would upbraid
him with having failed in his undertaking. I assured him, that on the contrary, he
should be dearer to me than ever, as I then should be convinced he acted more on
the principles of a man of honour than on those of a mercenary assassin, and
scorned to take away the life of an adversary, how inveterate soever, which
fortune had put in his power. “Well, then madam,” said he, “whatever may have
happened, I shall find it no difficult matter to acquit myself in point of honour;”
and took his leave in order to inquire into the consequences of his duel. I was
now more sensible than ever of the degrees of guilt and misery; all the affliction
I had suffered hitherto was owing to my own credulity and weakness, and my
conscience could only accuse me of venial crimes; but now that I looked upon
myself as a murderer, it is impossible to express the terrors of my imagination,
which was incessantly haunted by the image of the deceased, and my bosom
stung with the most exquisite agonies, of which I saw no end. At length, Horatio
(for so I shall call my new friend) returned, and telling me I had nothing to fear,
delivered into my hands a billet containing these words.

“Madam,
“As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take
this liberty to inform you, that the wounds I received from
Horatio are not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity could not
deny, even to a person who has endeavoured to disturb the
repose as well as the life of

“Lothario.”

‘Being well acquainted with this hand, I had no reason to suspect an

imposition in this letter, which I read over and over with a transport of joy, and
caressed Horatio so much that he appeared the happiest man alive. Thus was I
won from despair by the menaces of a greater misfortune than that which
depressed me. Griefs are like usurpers,—the most powerful deposes all the rest.
But my raptures were not lasting: that very letter which in a manner re-
established my tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace. His unjust
reproaches, while they waked my resentment, recalled my former happiness, and
filled my soul with rage and sorrow. Horatio, perceiving the situation of my
mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin, by treating me with all the amusements
and entertainments of the town. I was gratified with every indulgence I could
desire; introduced into the company of women in my own situation, by whom an
uncommon deference was paid to me; and I began to lose all remembrance of
my former condition, when an accident brought it back to my view with all its
interesting circumstances. Diverting myself one day with some newspapers,
which I had not before perused, the following advertisement attracted my
attention:
‘“Whereas a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father’s house in the
county of —, about the end of September, on account (as is supposed) of some
uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet heard of. Whoever will give any
information about her to Mr. — of Gray’s Inn, shall be handsomely rewarded; or
if she will return to the arms of her disconsolate parent, she will be received with
the utmost tenderness, whatever reason she may have to think otherwise, and
may be the means of prolonging the life of a father already weighed down
almost to the grave with age and sorrow.”
‘This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was fully
resolved to return, like the prodigal son, and implore the forgiveness of him who
gave me life; but, alas! Upon inquiry, I found he had paid his debt to nature a
month before, lamenting my absence to his last hour, having left his fortune to a
stranger, as a mark of his resentment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour.
Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I sank into the most profound
melancholy, and considered myself as the immediate cause of his death. I lost all
relish for company; and, indeed, most of my acquaintances no sooner perceived
my change of temper, than they abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my
insensibility, or from some other cause, became colder and colder every day, till
at last he left me altogether, without making any apology for his conduct, or
securing me against the miseries of want, as a man of honour ought to have
done, considering the share he had in my ruin; for I afterwards learned, that the
quarrel between Lothario and him was a story trumped up to rid the one of my
importunities, and give the other a recommendation to me, which, it seems, he
desired, upon seeing me at the house of my seducer. Reduced to this extremity, I
cursed my own simplicity, uttered horrid imprecations against the treachery of
Horatio; and, as I became every day more and more familiarised to the loss of
innocence, resolved to be revenged on the sex in general, by practising their own
arts upon themselves. Nor was an opportunity long wanting: an old
gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathising, visited me, and after having
condoled me on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested friendship, began
to display the art of her occupation, in encomiums on my beauty, and invectives
against the wretch who had forsaken me; insinuating withal, that it would be my
own fault if I did not still make my fortune by the extraordinary qualifications
with which nature had endowed me. I soon understood her drift, and gave her
such encouragement to explain herself, that we came to an agreement
immediately to divide whatever profits might accrue from such gallants as she
should introduce to my acquaintance. The first stroke of my dissimulation was
practised upon a certain judge, to whom I was recommended by this matron as
an innocent creature just arrived from the country.’
 CHAPTER XXIII
Miss Williams interrupted by a bailiff, who carries her to the
Marshalsea—I accompany her—prove she is not the person
named in the writ—the bailiff is fain to discharge her—we shift
our lodging—her story, and my reflections thereupon—progress
of a common woman of the town—resolves to quit that way of
life

Her story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no sooner opened,
than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, one of whom accosted my fellow-
lodger thus: “Madam, your servant—you must do me the favour to come along
with me, I have a writ against you.” While the bailiff (for so he was) spoke thus,
his followers surrounded the prisoner, and began to handle her very roughly.
This treatment incensed me so much, that I snatched up the poker and would
certainly have used it in defence of the lady, without any regard to the strength
and number of her adversaries, had she not begged me, with a composure of
countenance for which I could not account, to use no violence on her behalf,
which could be of no service to her, but might be very detrimental to myself.
Then turning to the leader of this formidable troop, she desired to see the writ,
and having perused it, said with a faltering voice, “I am not the person whose
name is here mentioned, arrest me at your peril.” “Ay, ay, madam,” replied the
catchpole. “We shall prove your identity. In the meantime, whither will you be
pleased to be carried, to my house, or to jail?” “If I must be confined,” said she,
“I would rather be in your house than in a common jail.” “Well, well,” answered
he, “if you have money enough in your pocket, you shall be entertained like a
princess.” But when she acquainted him with her poverty, he swore he never
gave credit, and ordered one of his myrmidons to call a coach, to carry her to the
Marshalsea at once. While they waited for the convenience, she took me aside,
and bade me be under no concern on her account, for she knew how to extricate
herself from this difficulty very soon, and perhaps gain something by the
occasion. Although her discourse was a mystery to me, I was very well pleased
with her assurance; and when the coach came to the door, I offered to
accompany her to prison, to which proposal, after much entreaty, she consented.
When we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor alighted, and
having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the turnkey, who no sooner
perceived the name of Elizabeth Cary than he cried, “Ah, ah: my old
acquaintance Bet! I’m glad to see thee with all my heart.” So saying, he opened
the coach door, and helped her to dismount; but when he observed her face, he
started back, saying, “Who have we got here?” The bailiff, alarmed at this
interrogation, cried with some emotion, “Who should it be but the prisoner,
Elizabeth Cary?” The turnkey replied, “That Elizabeth Cary! I’ll be hanged if
that’s Elizabeth Cary more than my grandmother.” Here the lady thought fit to
interpose, and tell the catchpole, if he had taken her word for it at first, he might
have saved himself and her a great deal of trouble. “It may be so,” answered he,
“but I’ll have further evidence that you are not the person, before you and I
part.” “Yes, yes,” said she, “you shall have further evidence, to your cost.” Then
we adjourned into the lodge, and called for a bottle of wine, where my
companion wrote a direction to two of her acquaintance, and begged the favour
of me to go to their lodgings, and request them to come to her immediately. I
found them together at a house in Brydges Street, Drury Lane, and as they were
luckily unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach without hesitation,
after I had related the circumstances of the affair, which flattered them with the
hopes of seeing a bailiff trounced; for there is an antipathy as natural between
women of that class and bailiffs, as that subsisting between mice and cats.
Accordingly, when they entered the lodge, they embraced the prisoner very
affectionately by the name of Nancy Williams, and asked how long she had been
nabbed, and for what? On hearing the particulars of her adventure repeated, they
offered to swear before a justice of peace that she was not the person mentioned
in the writ, whom, it seems, they all knew; but the bailiff, who was by the time
convinced of his mistake, told them he would not put them to that trouble.
“Ladies,” said he, “there’s no harm done—you shall give me leave to treat you
with another bottle, and then we’ll part friends.” This proposal was not at all
relished by the sisterhood: and Miss Williams told him, sure he did not imagine
her such a fool as to be satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine? Here the
turnkey interrupted her by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as good as
ever was tipped over tongue. “Well,” continued she, “that may be, but were it the
best of champagne, it is no recompense for the damage I have suffered both in
character and health, by being wrongfully dragged to jail; at this rate, no
innocent person is safe, since an officer of justice, out of malice, private pique,
or mistake, may injure and oppress the subject with impunity; but, thank heaven,
I live under the protection of laws that will not suffer such insults to pass
unpunished, and I know very well how to procure redress.” Mr. Vulture, for that
was the bailiff’s name, finding he had to deal with one who would not be
imposed upon, began to look very sullen and perplexed, and, leaning his
forehead on his hand, entered into a deliberation with himself, which lasted a
few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dreadful curses against the old
jade our landlady, as he called her, for having misinformed him. After much
wrangling and swearing, the matter was referred to the decision of the turnkey,
who calling for the other bottle, mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had been
drunk, coach hire, and a couple of guineas for the use of the plaintiff. The money
was immediately deposited; Miss Williams gratified the two evidences with one
half, and putting the other in her pocket drove home with me, leaving the
catchpole grumbling over his loss, yet pleased in the main, for having so cheaply
got clear of a business that might have cost him ten times the sum, and his place
to boot. This guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who were reduced to
great necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all my clothes, except those on my
back, having been either pawned or sold for our maintenance before this
happened. As we resented the behaviour of our landlady, our first care was to
provide ourselves with another lodging, whither we removed next day, with an
intention to keep ourselves as retired as possible, until our cure should be
completed. When we were fixed in our new habitation, I entreated her to finish
the story of her life, which she pursued in this manner:—
‘The success of our experiment on the judge encouraged us to practice the
same deceit on others; but this harvest lasted not long, my character taking air,
and my directress deserting me for some new game. Then I took lodgings near
Charing-Cross, at two guineas a week, and began to entertain company in a
public manner; but my income being too small to defray my expenses, I was
obliged to retrench, and enter into articles with the porters of certain taverns,
who undertook to find employment enough for me, provided I would share my
profits with them. Accordingly, I was almost every night engaged with company,
among whom I was exposed to every mortification, danger, and abuse, that flow
from drunkenness and brutality. As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the
will, nor my temper calculated for the conversation of my gallants, it was
impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my profession, which
manifested itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, and disgusted those sons
of mirth and riot so much, that I was frequently used in a shocking manner, and
kicked down stairs with disgrace. The messengers, seeing me disagreeable to
their benefactors and employers, seldom troubled me with a call, and I began to
find myself almost totally neglected.
‘To contribute towards my support I was fain to sell my watch, rings, trinkets,
with the best part of my clothes; and I was one evening musing by myself on
misery before me when I received a message from a tavern, whither I repaired in
a chair, and was introduced to a gentleman dressed like an officer, with whom I
supped in a sumptuous manner. In the morning, when I awoke, I found my
gallant had got up, and, drawing aside the curtain, could not perceive him in the
room. I waited a full hour for his return, and then in the greatest perplexity, rose
up and rang the bell. When the waiter came to the door, he found it locked, and
desired admittance, which I granted, after observing, with great surprise, that the
key remained on the inside, as when we went to bed. I no sooner inquired for the
captain, than the fellow, staring with a distracted look, cried, “How, madam, is
he not abed?” And when he was satisfied as to that particular, ran into a closet
adjoining to the chamber, the window of which he found open. Through this the
adventurer had got upon a wall, front whence he dropped down into a court and
escaped, leaving me to be answerable not only for the reckoning, but also for a
large silver tankard and posset-bowl, which he had carried off with him.
‘It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when I saw myself
detained as a thief’s accomplice; for I was looked upon in that light, and carried
before a justice, who mistaking my confusion for a sign of guilt committed me,
after a short examination, to Bridewell, having admonished me, as the only
means to save my life, to turn evidence, and impeach my confederate. I now
concluded the vengeance of Heaven had overtaken me, and that I must soon
finish my career by an ignominious death. This reflection sank so deep into my
soul, that I was for some days deprived of my reason, and actually believed
myself in hell, tormented by fiends. Indeed, there needs not a very extravagant
imagination to form that idea: for of all the scenes on earth that of Bridewell
approaches nearest the notion I had always entertained of the regions. Here I saw
nothing but rage, anguish and impiety, and heard nothing but groans, curses, and
blasphemy. In the midst of this hellish crew, I was subjected to the tyranny of a
barbarian, who imposed upon me tasks that I could not possibly perform, and
then punished my incapacity with the utmost rigour and inhumanity. I was often
whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it (during which miserable interval, I
was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of everything about me, even to my cap,
shoes, and stockings): I was not only destitute of necessaries, but even of food,
so that my wretchedness was extreme. Not one of my acquaintance to whom I
imparted my situation, would grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence
of my being committed for theft, and my landlord refused to part with some of
my own clothes which I sent for, because I was indebted to him for a week’s
lodging.
‘Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an end to
my grievances and life together: for this purpose I got up in the middle of the
night, when I thought everybody around me asleep, and fixing one end of a large
hook in the ceiling, that supported the scales on which the hemp is weighed, I
stood upon a chair, and making a noose on the other end, put my neck into it,
with an intention to hang myself; but before I could adjust the knot I was
surprised and prevented by two women, who had been awake all the while and
suspected my design. In the morning, my attempt was published among the
prisoners and punished with thirty stripes, the pain of which, co-operating with
my disappointment and disgrace, bereft me of my senses, and threw me into an
ecstacy of madness, during which I tore the flesh from my bones with my teeth,
and dashed my head against the pavement; so that they were obliged to set a
watch over me, to restrain me from doing further mischief to myself and others.
This fit of frenzy continued three days, at the end of which I grew calm and
sullen: but as the desire of making away with myself still remained, I came to a
determination of starving myself to death, and with that view refused all
sustenance.
‘Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness of nature,
I know not; but on the second day of my fast, I found my resolution considerably
impaired, and the calls of hunger almost insupportable. At this critical
conjuncture a lady was brought into the prison, with whom I had contracted an
acquaintance while I lived with Horatio; she was then on the same footing as I
was, but afterwards quarrelling with her gallant, and not finding another to her
mind, altered her scheme of life, and set up a coffee-house among the hundreds
in Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with claret, arrack, and the choice of
half-a-dozen damsels who lived in her house. This serviceable matron having
neglected to gratify a certain justice for the connivance she enjoyed, was
indicted at the quarter sessions, in consequence of which her bevy was
dispersed, and herself committed to Bridewell. She had not been long there
before she learned my disaster, and coming up to me, after a compliment of
condolence, inquired into the particulars of my fate. While we were engaged in
discourse together, the master came and told me, that the fellow on whose
account I had suffered was taken, that he had confessed the theft, and cleared me
of any concern in the affair; for which reason he, the master, had orders to
discharge me, and that I was from that moment free.
‘This piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had such an
instantaneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady then
present), hoping to find her account in me, very generously offered to furnish me
with what necessaries I wanted, and take me into her own house as soon as she
could compromise matters with the justices. The conditions of her offer were,
that I should pay three guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable
consideration besides, for the use of such clothes and ornaments as she should
supply me with, to be deducted from the first profits of my occupation. These
were hard terms, but not to be rejected by one who was turned out helpless and
naked into the wide world, without a friend to pity or assist her. I therefore
embraced her proposal, and she being bailed in a few hours, took me home with
her in a coach. As I was by this time conscious of having formerly disgusted my
admirers by my reserved loud haughty behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer
that disposition, and the sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of
spirits, I appeared in the most winning and gay manner I could assume. Having
the advantage of a good voice and education, I exerted my talents to the
uttermost, and soon became the favourite with all company. This success
alarmed the pride and jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thoughts
of being eclipsed: she therefore made a merit of her envy, and whispered among
the customers that I was unsound. There needed no more to ruin my reputation
and blast my prosperity; everybody shunned me with marks of aversion and
disdain, and in a very short time I was as solitary as ever. Want of gallants was
attended with want of money to satisfy my malicious landlady, who having
purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds, took out a writ
against me and I was arrested in her own house. Though the room was crowded
with people when the bailiff entered, not one of them had compassion enough to
mollify my prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt; they even laughed at my tears,
and one of them bade me be of good cheer, for I should not want admirers in
Newgate.
‘At this instant a sea-lieutenant came in, and seeing my plight, began to
inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune. “Harkee, my girl,” he inquired
“how far have you overrun the constable?” I told him that the debt amounted to
eleven pounds, besides the expenses of the writ. “An that be all,” said he, “you
shan’t go to the bilboes this bout.” And taking out his purse, he paid the money,
discharged the bailiff, and telling me I had got into the wrong port, advised me
to seek out a more convenient harbour, where I could be safely hove down; for
which purpose he made me a present of five guineas more. I was so touched with
this singular piece of generosity, that for some time I had not power to thank
him. However, as soon as I recollected myself, I begged the favour of him to go
with me to the next tavern, where I explained the nature of my disaster, and
convinced him of the falsehood of what was reported to my prejudice so
effectually, that he from that moment attached himself to me, and we lived in
great harmony together, until he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a
storm.
‘Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his bounty, I
saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity, and began to be
very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails! when one of the sisterhood
advised me to take lodgings in a part of the town where I was unknown, and pass
for an heiress, by which artifice I might entrap somebody to be my husband, who
would possibly be able to allow me a handsome maintenance, or at worst screen
me from the dread and danger of a prison, by becoming liable for whatever debts
I should contract. I approved of this scheme, towards the execution of which my
companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with me in quality of
my maid, with the proviso that she should be reimbursed and handsomely
considered out of the profits of my success. She was immediately detached to
look out for a convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel apartment in
Park Street, whither I moved in a couch loaded with her baggage, and my own. I
made my first appearance in a blue riding habit trimmed with silver; and my
maid acted her part so artfully, that in a day or two my fame spread all over the
neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just arrived from the country.
This report brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me; but I soon found
them to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who crowded to me like crows to
a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune. I maintained, however, the
appearance of wealth as long as possible, in hopes of gaining some admirer more
for my purpose, and at length attracted the regard of one who would have
satisfied my wishes, and managed matters so well, that a day was actually fixed
for our nuptials. In the interim, he begged leave to introduce an intimate friend
to me, which request, as I could not refuse, I had the extreme mortification and
surprise to see, next night, in that friend, my old keeper Horatio, who no sooner
beheld me than he changed colour, but had presence of mind to advance and
salute me, bidding me (with a low voice) be under no apprehension, for he
would not expose me. In spite of his assurance, I could not recover myself so far
as to entertain them, but withdrew to my chamber on pretence of a severe
headache, to the no small concern of my adorer, who took his leave in the
tenderest manner, and went off with his friend.
‘Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high time for us
to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were not only indebted to our
landlady, but also to several tradesmen in the neighbourhood. Our retreat,
therefore, was concerted and executed in this manner: Having packed up all our
clothes and moveables in small parcels, she (on pretence of fetching cordials for
me) carried them at several times to the house of an acquaintance, where she
likewise procured a lodging, to which we retired in the middle of the night, when
every other body in the house was asleep. I was now obliged to aim at lower
game, and accordingly spread my nets among tradespeople, but found them all
too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and attractions, till at last I became
acquainted with you, on whom I practised all my dexterity; not that I believed
you had any fortune, or expectation of me, but that I might transfer the burden of
such debts as I had incurred, or should contract, from myself to another, and at
the same time avenge myself of your sex, by rendering miserable one who bore
such resemblance to the wretch who ruined me; but Heaven preserved you from
my snares by the discovery you made, which was owing to the negligence of my
maid in leaving the chamber-door unlocked when she went to buy sugar for
breakfast. When I found myself detected and forsaken by you, I was fain to
move my lodging, and dwell two pair of stairs higher than before. My
companion, being disappointed in her expectations, left me, and I had no other
resource than to venture forth, like the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious
and uncomfortable subsistence. I have often sauntered between Ludgate Hill and
Charing Cross a whole winter night, exposed not only to the inclemency of the
weather, but likewise to the rage of hunger and thirst, without being so happy as
to meet with one dupe, then creep up to my garret, in a deplorable draggled
condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury my appetite and sorrows in sleep. When
I lighted on some rake or tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered
the most brutal treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and
good humour, though my soul was stung with resentment and disdain, and my
heart loaded with grief and affliction. In the course of these nocturnal
adventures, I was infected with the disease, that in a short time rendered me the
object of my own abhorrence, and drove me to the retreat where your
benevolence rescued me from the jaws of death.’
So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady’s narration, that I made
no scruple of believing every syllable of what she said, and expressed my
astonishment at the variety of miseries she had undergone in so little time, for all
her misfortunes had happened within the compass of two years; I compared her
situation with my own, and found it a thousand times more wretched. I had
endured hardships, ’tis true—my whole life had been a series of such; and when
I looked forward, the prospect was not much bettered, but then they were
become habitual to me, and consequently I could bear them with less difficulty.
If one scheme of life should not succeed, I could have recourse to another, and
so to a third, veering about to a thousand different shifts, according to the
emergencies of my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of my character beyond a
power of retrieving it, or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice and barbarity
of the world. On the other hand, she had known and relished the sweets of
prosperity, she had been brought up under the wings of an indulgent parent, in
all the delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled her; and without any
extravagance of hope, entertained herself with the view of uninterrupted
happiness through the whole scene of life. How fatal then, how tormenting, how
intolerable, must her reverse of fortune be!—a reverse, that not only robs her of
these external comforts, and plunges her into all the miseries of want, but also
murders her peace of mind, and entails upon her the curse of eternal infamy! Of
all professions I pronounced that of a courtesan the most deplorable, and her of
all courtesans the most unhappy. She allowed my observation to be just in the
main, but at the same time affirmed that notwithstanding the disgraces which had
fallen to her share, she had not been so unlucky in the condition of a prostitute as
many others of the same community. “I have often seen,” said she, “while I
strolled about the streets at midnight, a number of naked wretches reduced to
rags and filth, huddled together like swine, in the corner of a dark alley, some of
whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the favourites of the town,
rolling in affluence, and glittering in all the pomp of equipage and dress.
Miserable wretch that I am! perhaps the same horrors are decreed for me!”
“No!” cried she, after some pause, “I shall never live to such extremity of
distress; my own hand shall open a way for my deliverance, before I arrive at
that forlorn period!” Her condition filled me with sympathy and compassion: I
revered her qualifications, looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal, and
attended her with such care and success, that in less than two months her health,
as well as my own, was perfectly re-established. As we often conferred upon our
mutual affairs, and interchanged advice, a thousand different projects were
formed, which, upon further canvassing, appeared impracticable. We would have
gladly gone to service, but who would take us in without recommendation? At
length an expedient occurred to her, of which she intended to lay hold; and this
was, to procure with the first money she should earn, the homely garb of a
country wench, go to some village at a good distance from town, and come up in
a waggon, as a fresh girl for service: by which means she might be provided for,
in a manner much more suitable to her inclination than her present way of life.
 CHAPTER XXIV
I am reduced to a great misery—assaulted on Tower Hill by a
press-gang, who put me on board a tender—my usage there—
my arrival on board at a man-of-war, where I am put in irons,
and released by the good offices of Mr. Thompson, who
recommends me as assistant to the surgeon—-he relates his own
story—characters of the captain, surgeon, and first mate

I applauded the resolution of Miss Williams, who a few days after, was hired
in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had witnessed in her behalf at
the Marshalsea, and who since that time had got credit with a wine merchant,
whose favourite she was, to set up a convenient house of her own. Thither my
fellow-lodger repaired, after having taken leave of me with a torrent of tears, and
a thousand protestations of eternal gratitude; assuring me she would remain in
this situation no longer than she could pick up money sufficient to put her other
design in execution.
As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between which I
hesitated so long that I found myself reduced to a starving condition. My spirit
began to accommodate itself to my beggarly fate, and I became so mean as to go
down towards Wapping, with an intention to inquire for an old schoolfellow,
who, I understood, had got the command of a small coasting vessel then in the
river, and implore his assistance. But my destiny prevented this abject piece of
behaviour; for as I crossed Tower Wharf, a squat tawny fellow with a hanger by
his side, and a cudgel in his hand came up to me, calling, “Yo ho! brother, you
must come along with me.” As I did not like his appearance, instead of
answering his salutation, I quickened my pace, in hope of ridding myself of his
company; upon which he whistled aloud, and immediately another sailor
appeared before me, who laid hold of me by the collar, and began to drag me
along. Not being in a humour to relish such treatment, I disengaged myself of
the assailant, and, with one blow of my cudgel, laid him motionless on the
ground; and perceiving myself surrounded in a trice by ten or a dozen more,
exerted myself with such dexterity and success, that some of my opponents were
fain to attack me with drawn cutlasses; and after an obstinate engagement, in
which I received a large wound on my head, and another on my left cheek, I was
disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing tender, where, after
being pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down into the hold among a parcel
of miserable wretches, the sight of whom well nigh distracted me. As the
commanding officer had not humanity enough to order my wounds to be
dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I desired one of my fellow captives
who was unfettered, to take a handkerchief out of my pocket, and tie it round my
head, to stop the bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief, ’tis true, but instead
of applying it to the use for which I designed it, went to the grating of the
hatchway, and, with astonishing composure, sold it before my face to a bumboat
woman (1) then on board, for a quart of gin, with which he treated his
companions, regardless of my circumstances and entreaties.
(1) A Bumboat woman is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor,
and fresh potatoes to the sailors, in a small boat that lies alongside the
ship

I complained bitterly of this robbery to the midshipman on deck, telling him at

the same time, that unless my hurts were dressed, I should bleed to death. But
compassion was a weakness of which no man could justly accuse this person,
who, squirting a mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me through the gratings,
told me “I was a mutinous dog, and that I might die for anything he cared!”
Finding there was no other remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this usage
in my memory, to be called at a more fitting opportunity. In the meantime, loss
of blood, vexation, and want of food, contributed, with the noisome stench of the
place, to throw me into a swoon, out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the
nose, administered by the tar who stood sentinel over us, who at the same time
regaled me with a draught of flip, and comforted me with the hopes of being put
on board of the Thunder next day, where I should be freed of my handcuffs, and
cured of my wounds by the doctor. I no sooner heard him name the Thunder,
than I asked if he had belonged to that ship long; and be giving me to understand
he had belonged to her five years, I inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling?
“Know Lieutenant Bowling!” said he, “Odds my life! and that I do; and a good
seaman he is as ever stepped upon forecastle, and a brave fellow as ever cracked
biscuit—none of your Guinea pigs, nor your fresh water, wish-washy, fair-
weather fowls. Many a taut gale of wind have honest Tom Bowling and I
weathered together. Here’s his health, with all my heart: wherever he is, a-loft, or
a-low, the lieutenant needs not be ashamed to show himself.” I was so much
affected with this eulogium, that I could not refrain from telling him that I was
Lieutenant Bowling’s kinsman; in consequence of which connection, he
expressed his inclination to serve me, and when he was relieved, brought some
cold boiled beef in a platter, and biscuit, on which we supped plentifully, and
afterwards drank another can of flip together. While we were thus engaged, he
recounted a great many exploits of my uncle, who, I found, was very much
beloved by the ship’s company, and pitied for the misfortune that had happened
to him in Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was not so great as I
imagined; for Captain Oakum had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that
time commanded the ship. Having by accident, in my pocket, my uncle’s letter,
written from Port Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whose name was Jack Rattlin)
for his perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly he could not read, and desired to
know the contents, which I immediately communicated. When he heard that part
of it in which he says he had written to his landlord in Deal, he cried, “Body o’
me! that was old Ben Block; he was dead before the letter came to hand. Ey, ey,
had Ben been alive, Lieutenant Bowling would have had no occasion to skulk so
long. Honest Ben was the first man that taught him to hand, reef, and steer. Well,
well, we must all die, that’s certain—we must all come to port sooner or later, at
sea or on shore—we must be fast moored one day: death’s like the best bower
anchor, as the saying is—it will bring us all up.” I could not but signify my
approbation of the justness of Jack’s reflections, and inquired into the occasion
of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and my uncle, which he explained in this
manner: “Captain Oakum, to be sure, is a good man enough—besides, he’s my
commander; but what’s that to me? I do my duty, and value no man’s anger of a
rope’s end. Now the report goes, as how he’s a lord, or baron knight’s brother,
whereby (d’ye see me,) he carries a straight arm, and keeps aloof from his
officers, though mayhap they may be as good men in the main as he. Now we
lying at anchor in Tuberon Bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the middle watch, and
as he always kept a good look out, he made (d’ye see) three lights in the offing,
whereby he ran down to the great cabin for orders, and found the captain asleep;
whereupon he waked him, which put him in a main high passion, and he swore
woundily at the lieutenant, and called him lousy Scotch son of a whore (for, I
being then sentinel in the steerage, heard all), and swab, and lubber, whereby the
lieutenant returned the salute, and they jawed together fore and aft a good spell,
till at last the captain turned out, and, laying hold of a rattan, came athwart Mr.
Bowling’s quarter: whereby he told the captain that, if he was not his
commander, he would heave him overboard, and demanded satisfaction ashore;
whereby in the morning watch, the captain went ashore in the pinnace, and
afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter ashore, and so they, leaving the boats’
crews on their oars, went away together; and so (d’ye see) in less than a quarter
of an hour we heard firing, whereby we made for the place, and found the
captain lying wounded on the beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor,
who cured him in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant clapped on all the sail
he could bear, and had got far enough ahead before we knew anything of the
matter; so that we could never after get sight of him, for which we were not
sorry, because the captain was mainly wrath, and would certainly have done him
a mischief; for he afterwards caused him to be run on the ship’s books, whereby
he lost all his pay, and, if he should be taken, would be tried as a deserter.”
This account of the captain’s behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of his
character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that had subjected me to
such a commander. However, making a virtue of necessity, I put a good face on
the matter, and next day, was, with the other pressed men, put on board of the
“Thunder,” lying at the Nore. When we came alongside, the mate, who guarded
us thither, ordered my handcuffs to be taken off, that I might get on board the
easier; this circumstance being perceived by some of the company who stood
upon the gangboard to see us enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was
busied in doing this friendly office for me, “Hey, Jack, what Newgate galley
have you boarded in the river as you came along? Have we not thieves enow
among us already?” Another, observing my wounds, which remained exposed to
the air, told me, my seams were uncaulked, and that I must be new payed. A
third, seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were into distinct cords,
took notice, that my bows were mended with the red ropes, instead of my side. A
fourth asked me, if I could not keep my yards square without iron braces? And,
in short, a thousand witticisms of the same nature were passed upon me before I
could get up the ship’s side.
After we had been all entered upon the ship’s books, I inquired of one of my
shipmates where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds dressed, and had
actually got as far as the middle deck (for our ship carried eighty guns), in my
way to the cockpit, when I was met by the same midshipman who had used me
so barbarously in the tender: he, seeing me free from my chains, asked, with an
insolent air, who had released me? To this question, I foolishly answered, with a
countenance that too plainly declared the state of my thoughts, “Whoever did it,
I am persuaded did not consult you in the affair.” I had no sooner uttered these
words, than he cried, “Damn you, you saucy son of a hitch, I’ll teach you to talk
so to your officer.” So saying, he bestowed on me several severe stripes with a
supple jack he had in his hand: and, going to the commanding officer, made such
a report of me, that I was immediately put in irons by the master-at-arms, and a
sentinel placed over me. Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my condition,
came to me, and administered all the consolation he could, and then went to the
surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress my wounds. This mate
was no other than my old friend Thompson, with whom I became acquainted at
the Navy Office, as before mentioned. If I knew him at first sight, it was not easy
for him to recognise me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the
misery I had undergone. Unknown as I was to him, he surveyed me with looks
of compassion, and handled my sores with great tenderness. When he had
applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave me, I asked him if my
misfortunes had disguised me so much that he could not recollect my face?
Upon this address he observed me with great earnestness for some time, and at
length protested he could not recollect one feature of my countenance. To keep
him no longer in suspense, I told him my name, which when he heard, he
embraced me with affection, and professed his sorrow at seeing me in such a
disagreeable situation. I made him acquainted with my story, and, when he heard
how inhumanly I had been used in the tender, he left me abruptly, assuring me I
should see him again soon. I had scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure,
when the master-at-arms came to the place of my confinement, and bade me
follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by the first lieutenant,
who commanded the ship in the absence of the captain, touching the treatment I
had received in the tender from my friend the midshipman, who was present to
confront me.
I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the tender, but
since my being on board the ship, part of which being proved by the evidence of
Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great devotion for my oppressor, I was
discharged from confinement, to make way for him, who was delivered to the
master-at-arms to take his turn in the bilboes. And this was not the only
satisfaction I enjoyed, for I was, at the request of the surgeon, exempted from all
other duty than that of assisting his mates, in making and administering
medicines to the sick. This good office I owed to the friendship of Mr.
Thompson, who had represented me in such a favourable light to the surgeon,
that he demanded me of the lieutenant to supply the place of his third mate, who
was lately dead. When I had obtained this favour, my friend Thompson carried
me down to the cockpit, which is the place allotted for the habitation of the
surgeon’s mates; and when he had shown me their berth (as he called it), I was
filled with astonishment and horror, We descended by divers ladders to a space
as dark as a dungeon, which, I understood, was immersed several feet under
water, being immediately above the hold. I had no sooner approached this dismal
gulph, than my nose was saluted with an intolerable stench of putrified cheese
and rancid butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of the ladder,
resembling a chandler’s shop, where, by the faint glimmering of a candle, I
could perceive a man with a pale, meagre countenance, sitting behind a kind of
desk, having spectacles on his nose, and a pen in his hand. This (I learned of Mr.
Thompson) was the ship’s steward, who sat there to distribute provision to the
several messes, and to mark what each received. He therefore presented my
name to him, and desired I might be entered in his mess; then, taking a light in
his hand, conducted me to the place of his residence, which was a square of
about six feet, surrounded with the medicine-chest, that of the first mate, his
own, and a board by way of table fastened to the after powder room; it was also
inclosed with canvas nailed round to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the
cold, as well as from the view of the midshipmen and quartermaster, who lodged
within the cable-tiers on each side of us. In this gloomy mansion he entertained
me with some cold suit pork, which he brought from a sort of locker, fixed above
the table: and calling for the boy of the mess, sent for a can of beer, of which he
made excellent flip to crown the banquet.
By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been exceedingly
depressed with the appearance of everything about me, and could no longer
refrain from asking the particulars of Mr. Thompson’s fortune since I had seen
him in London. He told me, that being disappointed in his expectations of
borrowing money to gratify the rapacious s—t—ry at the Navy Office, he found
himself utterly unable to subsist any longer in town, and had actually offered his
service, in quality of mate, to the surgeon of a merchant ship, bound to Guinea
on the slaving trade; when, one morning, a young fellow, of whom he had some
acquaintance, came to his lodgings, and informed him that he had seen a warrant
made out in his name at the Navy Office, for surgeon’s second mate of a third-
rate. This unexpected piece of good news he could scarcely believe to be true,
more especially as he had been found qualified at Surgeons’ Hall for third mate
only; but that he might not be wanting to himself, he went thither to be assured,
and actually found it so: whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was delivered to
him, and the oaths administered immediately. That very afternoon he went to
Gravesend in the tilt-boat, from whence he took place in the tide-coach for
Rochester; next morning got on board the “Thunder,” for which he was
appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham; and the same day was mustered
by the clerk of the checque. And well it was for him that such expedition was
used; for, in less than twelve hours after his arrival, another William Thompson
came on board, affirming that he was the person for whom the warrant was
expedited, and that the other was an impostor.
My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident, the more so, as his
namesake had very much the advantage over him both in assurance and dress.
However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he produced several
letters written from Scotland to him in that name, and, recollecting that his
indentures were in a box on board, he brought them up, and convinced all
present that he had not assumed a name which did not belong to him. His
competitor, enraged that they should hesitate in doing him justice (for to be sure
the warrant had been designed for him), behaved with so much indecent heat,
that the commanding officer (who was the same gentleman I had seen) and the
surgeon were offended at his presumption, and making a point of it with their
friends in town, in less than a week got the first confirmed in his station. “I have
been on board,” said he, “ever since; and, as this way of life is becoming
familiar to me, have no cause to complain of my situation. The surgeon is a
good-natured, indolent man; the first mate (who is now on shore on duty) is
indeed a little proud and choleric, as all Welshmen are, but in the main a friendly
honest fellow. The lieutenants I have no concern with; and, as for the captain, he
is too much of a gentleman to know a surgeon’s mate, even by sight.”
 CHAPTER XXV
The behaviour of Mr. Morgan—his pride, displeasure, and
generosity—the economy of our mess described—Thomson’s
further friendship—the nature of my duty explained—the
situation of the sick

While he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit ladder
pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, “The devil and his dam
blow me from the top of Monchdenny, if I go to him before there is something in
my pelly. Let his nose be as yellow as saffron, or as plue as a pell (look you), or
as green as a leek, ’tis all one.” To this declaration somebody answered, “So it
seems my poor messmate must part his cable for want of a little assistance. His
foretopsail is loose already; and besides the doctor ordered you to overhaul him;
but I see you don’t mind what your master says.” Here he was interrupted with,
“Splutter and cons! you lousy tog, who do you call my master? Get you gone to
the doctor, and tell him my birth, and education, and my abilities; and moreover,
my behaviour is as good as his, or any shentleman’s (no disparagement to him,)
in the whole world. Cot pless my soul I does he think, or conceive, or imagine,
that I am a horse, or an ass, or a goat, to trudge backwards and forwards, and
upwards and downwards, and by sea and by land; at his will and pleasure? Go
your ways, you rapscallion, and tell Doctor Atkins that I desire and request that
he will give a look upon the tying man, and order something for him, if he be
dead or alive, and I will see him take it by and by, when my craving stomach is
satisfied, look you.” At this, the other went away, saying, “that if they should
serve him so when he was dying, by God he would be foul of them in the other
world.” Here Mr. Thompson let me know, that the person we heard was Mr.
Morgan, the first mate, who was just come on board from the hospital, whither
he had attended some of the sick in the morning; at the same time I saw him
come into the berth. He was a short thick man, with a face garnished with
pimples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an excessive wide mouth, and little
fiery eyes, surrounded with skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles. My friend
immediately made him acquainted with my case; when he regarded me with a
very lofty look, but without speaking, set down a bundle he had in his hand, and
approached the cupboard, which, when he had opened, he exclaimed in a great
passion, “Cot is my life, all the pork is gone, as I am a Christian!” Thompson
then gave him to understand, that, as I had been brought on board half famished,
he could do no less than to entertain me with what was in the locker, and the
rather as he had bid the steward enter me in the mess. Whether this
disappointment made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or he really thought
himself too little regarded by his fellow mate, I know not, but after some pause,
he went on in this manner: “Mr. Thompson, perhaps you do not use me with all
the good manners, and complaisance, and respect (look you,) that becomes you,
because you have not vouchsafed to advise with me in this affair. I have in my
time (look you,) been a man of some weight, and substance, and consideration,
and have kept house and home, and paid scot and lot, and the king’s taxes; ay,
and maintained a family to boot. And moreover, also, I am your senior, and your
older, and your petter, Mr. Thompson.” “My elder, I’ll allow you to be, but not
my better!” cried Thompson, with some heat. “Cot is my Saviour, and witness
too,” said Morgan, with great vehemence, “that I am more elder, and therefore
more petter by many years than you.” Fearing this dispute might be attended
with some bad consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Morgan I was very sorry
for having been the occasion of any difference between him and the second
mate; and that, rather than cause the least breach in their good understanding, I
would eat my allowance to myself, or seek admission into some other company.
But Thompson, with more spirit than discretion (as I thought), insisted upon my
remaining where he had appointed me; and observed that no man, possessed of
generosity and compassion, would have any objection to it, considering my birth
and talents, and the misfortunes I had of late so unjustly undergone.
This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested with great
earnestness, that he had no objection to my being received in the mess; but only
complained that the ceremony of asking his consent was not observed. “As for a
sheltenman in distress,” said he, shaking me by the hand, “I lofe him as I lofe my
own powels: for, Cot help me! I have had vexations enough upon my own pack.”
And as I afterwards learned, in so saying, he spoke no more than what was true;
for he had been once settled in a very good situation in Glamorganshire, and was
ruined by being security for an acquaintance. All differences being composed, he
untied his bundle, which consisted of three bunches of onions, and a great lump
of Cheshire cheese, wrapped up in a handkerchief: and, taking some biscuit from
the cupboard, fell to with a keen appetite, inviting us to share of the repast.
When he had fed heartily on his homely fare, he filled a large cup, made of a
cocoa-nut shell, with brandy, and, drinking it off, told us, “Prandy was the best
menstruum for onions and sheese.” His hunger being appeased, he began to be in
better humour; and, being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner understood that I
was descended of a good family, than he discovered a particular good-will to me
on that account, deducing his own pedigree in a direct line from the famous
Caractacus, king of the Britons, who was first the prisoner, and afterwards the
friend of Claudius Caesar. Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of linen,
he made me a present of two good ruffled shirts, which, with two more of check
which I received from Mr. Thompson, enabled me to appear with decency.
Meanwhile the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor, brought a
prescription for his messmate, which when the Welshman had read, he got up to
prepare it, and asked, “if the man was dead or alive.” “Dead!” replied Jack; “if
he was dead, he would have no occasion for doctor’s stuff. No, thank God, death
han’t as yet boarded him. But they have been yard-arm and yard-arm these three
glasses.” “Are his eyes open,” continued the mate. “His starboard eye,” said the
sailor, “is open, but fast jammed in his head: and the haulyards of his under jaw
have given way.” “Passion of my heart!” cried Morgan, “the man is as pad as
one would desire to be! Did you feel his pulses!” To this the other replied with
“Anan!” Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great earnestness and humanity,
ordered the tar to run to his messmate, and keep him alive till he should come
with the medicine, “and then,” said he, “you shall peradventure pehold what you
shall see.”
The poor fellow, with great simplicity, ran to the place where the sick man lay,
but in less than a minute returned with a woful countenance, and told us his
comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing this, exclaimed, “Mercy upon my
salvation! why did you not stop him till I came?” “Stop him!” said the other; “I
hailed him several times, but he was too far on his way, and the enemy had got
possession of his close quarters; so that he did not mind me.” “Well, well,” said
he, “we all owe heaven a teath. Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an
example and a warning, look you, and repent of your misteets.” So saying, he
pushed the seaman out of the berth.
While we entertained us with reflections suitable to this event, we heard the
boatswain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy belonging to our mess ran to
the locker, from whence he carried off a large wooden platter, and, in a few
minutes, returned with it full of boiled peas, crying “Scaldings” all the way as he
came. The cloth, consisting of a piece of an old sail, was instantly laid, covered
with three plates, which by the colour I could with difficulty discern to be metal,
and as many spoons of the same composition, two of which were curtailed in the
handles, and the other abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan himself enriched this
mess with a lump of salt butter scooped from an old gallipot, and a handful of
onions shorn, with some pounded pepper. I was not very much tempted with the
appearance of this dish, of which, nevertheless, my messmates ate heartily,
advising me to follow their example, as it was banyan day and we could have no
meat till next noon. But I had already laid in sufficient for the occasion, and
therefore desired to be excused: expressing a curiosity to know the meaning of
banyan day. They told me, that, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, the
ship’s company had no allowance of meat, and that these meagre days were
called banyan days, the reason of which they did not know; but I have since
learned they take their denomination from a sect of devotees in some parts of the
East Indies, who never taste flesh.
After dinner Thompson led me round the ship, showed me the different parts,
described their uses, and, as far as he could, made me acquainted with the
particulars of the discipline and economy practised on board. He then demanded
of the boatswain a hammock for me, which was slung in a very neat manner by
my friend Jack Rattlin; and, as I had no bed-clothes, procured credit for me with
the purser, for a mattress and two blankets. At seven o’clock in the evening
Morgan visited the sick, and, having ordered what was proper for each, I assisted
Thompson in making up his prescriptions: but when I followed him with the
medicines into the sick berth, or hospital, and observed the situation of the
patients, I was much less surprised that people should die on board, than that a
sick person should recover. Here I saw about fifty miserable distempered
wretches, suspended in rows, so huddled one upon another, that not more than
fourteen inches space was allotted for each with his bed and bedding; and
deprived of the light of the day, as well as of fresh air; breathing nothing but a
noisome atmosphere of the morbid steams exhaling from their own excrements
and diseased bodies, devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that surrounded
them, and destitute of every convenience necessary for people in that helpless
condition.
 CHAPTER XXVI

A disagreeable accident happens to me in the discharge of my

office—Morgan’s nose is offended—a dialogue between him
and the Ship’s steward—upon examination, I find more causes
of complaint than one—my hair is cut off—Morgan’s cookery—
the manner of sleeping on board—I am waked in the night by a
dreadful noise

Could not comprehend how it was possible for the attendants to come near
those who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship, in order to assist
them, as they seemed barricadoed by those who lay on the outside, and entirely
out of the reach of all visitation; much less could I conceive how my friend
Thompson would be able to administer clysters, that were ordered for some, in
that situation; when I saw him thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to
his waistcoat in a moment, then creep on all fours under the hammocks of the
sick, and, forcing up his bare pate between two, keep them asunder with one
shoulder, until he had done his duty. Eager to learn the service, I desired he
would give me leave to perform the next operation of that kind; and he
consenting, I undressed myself after his example, and crawling along, the ship
happened to roll: this motion alarming me, I laid hold of the first thing that came
within my grasp with such violence, that I overturned it, and soon found, by the
smell that issued upon me, that I had unlocked a box of the most delicious
perfume. It was well for me that my nose was none of the most delicate, else I
know not how I might have been affected by this vapour, which diffused itself
all over the ship, to the utter discomposure of everybody who tarried on the same
dock! neither was the consequence of this disgrace confined to my sense of
smelling only; for I felt my misfortune more ways than one. That I might not,
however, appear altogether disconcerted in this my first essay, I got up, and,
pushing my head with great force between two hammocks, towards the middle,
where the greatest resistance was, I made an opening indeed, but, not
understanding the knack of dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain my
advantage, had the mortification to find myself stuck up, as it were, in a pillory,
and the weight of three or four people bearing on each side of my neck, so that I
was in danger of strangulation. While I remained in this defenceless posture, one
of the sick men, rendered peevish by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell I
had occasioned and the rude shock he had received from me in my elevation,
that, with many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the nose, which he tweaked
so unmercifully, that I roared with anguish. Thompson, perceiving my condition,
ordered one of the waiters to my assistance, who, with much difficulty,
disengaged me from this situation, and hindered me from taking vengeance on
the sick man, whose indisposition would not have screened him from the effects
of my indignation.
After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended to the
cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened with a homely
proverb, which I do not choose to repeat. When we had descended half-way
down the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he saw us, having intelligence by his nose
of the approach of something extraordinary, cried, “Cot have mercy upon my
senses! I pelieve the enemy has poarded us in a stinkpot!” Then, directing his
discourse to the steward, from whence he imagined the odour proceeded, he
reprimanded him severely for the freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth,
and threatened to smoke him like a padger with sulphur, if ever he should
presume to offend his neighbours with such smells for the future. The steward,
conscious of his own innocence, replied with some warmth, “I know of no
smells but those of your own making.” This repartee introduced a smart
dialogue, in which the Welshman undertook to prove, that, though the stench he
complained of did not flow from the steward’s own body, he was nevertheless
the author of it, by serving out damaged provisions to the ship’s company; and,
in particular, putrified cheese, from the use of which only, he affirmed, such
unsavoury steams could arise. Then he launched out into the praise of good
cheese, of which he gave the analysis; explained the different kinds of that
commodity, with the methods practised to make and preserve it, concluded in
observing, that, in yielding good cheese, the county of Glamorgan might vie
with Cheshire itself, and was much superior to it in the produce of goats and
putter.
 I gathered from this conversation, that, if I entered in my present pickle, I
should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr. Thompson to go before,
and represent my calamity; at which the first mate, expressing some concern,
went upon deck immediately, taking his way through the cable-tier and the main
hatchway, to avoid encountering me; desiring me to clean myself as soon as
possible: for he intended to regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a pipe.
Accordingly, I set about this disagreeable business, and soon found I had more
causes of complaint than I at first imagined; for I perceived some guests had
honoured me with their company, whose visit I did not think seasonable: neither
did they seem inclined to leave me in a hurry, for they were in possession of my
chief quarters, where they fed without reserve at the expense of my blood. But,
considering it would be easier to extirpate the ferocious colony in the infancy of
their settlement, than after they should be multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I
took the advice of my friend, who, to prevent such misfortunes, went always
close shaved, and made the boy of our mess cut off my hair, which had been
growing since I left the service of Lavement; and the second mate lent me an old
bobwig to supply the loss of that covering. This affair being ended, and
everything adjusted in the best manner my circumstances would permit, the
descendant of Caractacus returned, and, ordering the boy to bring a piece of salt
beef from the brine, cut off a slice, and mixed it with an equal quantity of
onions, which seasoning with a moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he
brought it to a consistence with oil and vinegar; then, tasting the dish, assured us
it was the best salmagundy that ever he made, and recommended it to our palate
with such heartiness that I could not help doing honour to his preparation. But I
had no sooner swallowed a mouthful, than I thought my entrails were scorched,
and endeavoured with a deluge of small-beer to allay the heat it occasioned.
Supper being over, Mr. Morgan having smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied
the moisture he had expended with as many cans of flip, of which we all partook,
a certain yawning began to admonish me that it was high time to repair by sleep
the injury I had suffered from want of rest the preceding night; which being
perceived by my companions, whose time of repose was now arrived, they
proposed we should turn in, or in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, which
hung parallel to one another, on the outside of the berth, were immediately
unlashed, and I beheld my messmates spring with great agility into their
respective nests, where they seemed to lie concealed, very much at their ease.
But it was some time before I could prevail upon myself to trust my carcase at
such a distance from the ground, in a narrow bag, out of which, I imagined, I
should be apt, on the least motion in my sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of
breaking my bones. I suffered myself, however, to be persuaded, and taking a
leap to get in, threw myself quite over, with such violence, that had I not luckily
got hold of Thompson’s hammock, I should have pitched upon my head on the
other side, and in all likelihood fractured my skull.
After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at last; but the apprehension of the
jeopardy in which I believed myself withstood all the attacks of sleep till
towards the morning watch, when, in spite of my fears, I was overpowered with
slumber, though I did not long enjoy this comfortable situation, being aroused
with a noise so loud and shrill, that I thought the drums of my ears were burst by
it; this was followed by a dreadful summons pronounced by a hoarse voice,
which I could not understand. While I was debating with myself, whether or not
I should wake my companion and inquire into the occasion of this disturbance, I
was informed by one of the quartermasters who passed by me with a lantern in
his hand, that the noise which alarmed me was occasioned by the boatswain’s
mates who called up the larboard watch, and that I must lay my account with
such an interruption every morning at the same hour. Being now more assured of
my safety, I undressed myself again to rest, and slept till eight o’clock, when
rising, and breakfasting with my comrades on biscuit and brandy, the sick were
visited and assisted as before; after which visitation my good friend Thompson
explained and performed another piece of duty, to which I was a stranger. At a
certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went round all the decks,
ringing a small hand-bell, and, in rhymes composed for the occasion, invited all
those who had sores to repair before the mast, where one of the doctor’s mates
attended, with applications to dress them.
 CHAPTER XXVII
I acquire the friendship of the Surgeon, who procures a warrant
for me, and makes me a present of clothes—a battle between a
Midshipman and me—the Surgeon leaves the ship—the Captain
comes on board with another Surgeon—a dialogue between the
Captain and Morgan—the sick are ordered to be brought upon
the Quarter-deck and examined—the consequences of that order
—a Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at liberty by command
of the Captain, whom he instantly attacks, and pummels without
mercy

While I was busied with my friend in the practice. The doctor chanced to pass
by the place where we were, and stopping to observe me appeared very well
satisfied with my application; and afterwards sent for me to his cabin, where,
having examined me touching my skill in surgery, and the particulars of my
fortune, he interested himself so far in my behalf, as to promise his assistance in
procuring a warrant for me, seeing I had already been found qualified at
Surgeons’ Hall for the station I filled on board; and in this good office he the
more cordially engaged when he understood I was nephew to lieutenant
Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard. In the meantime, I could
learn from his discourse that he did not intend to go to sea again with Captain
Oakum, having, as he thought, been indifferently used by him during the last
voyage.
While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was not altogether
without mortifications, which I not only suffered from the rude insults of the
sailors and petty officers, among whom I was known by the name of Loblolly
Boy, but also from the disposition of Morgan, who, though friendly in the main,
was often very troublesome with his pride, which expected a good deal of
submission from me, and delighted in recapitulating the favours I had received at
his hands.
About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon, bidding me to follow
him into his cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which I was appointed
surgeon’s third mate on board the Thunder. This he had procured by his interest
at the Navy Office; as also another for himself, by virtue of which he was
removed into a second-rate. I acknowledged his kindness in the strongest terms
my gratitude could suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of losing so
valuable a friend, to whom I hoped to have recommended myself still further, by
my respectful and diligent behaviour. But his generosity rested not here; for
before he left the ship he made me a present of a chest and some clothes that
enabled me to support the rank to which he had raised me.
I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and, now I was an officer,
resolved to maintain the dignity of my station, against all opposition or affronts;
nor was it long before I had occasion to exert my resolution. My old enemy, the
midshipman (whose name was Crampley), entertaining an implacable animosity
against me for the disgrace he had suffered on my account, had since that time
taken all opportunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was not entitled to
retort this bad usage; and, even after I had been rated on the books, and mustered
as surgeon’s mate, did not think fit to restrain his insolence. In particular, being
one day present while I dressed a wound in a sailor’s leg, he began to sing a
song, which I thought highly injurious to the honour of my country, and
therefore signified my resentment, by observing that the Scots always laid their
account with finding enemies among the ignorant, insignificant, and malicious.
This unexpected piece of assurance enraged him to such a degree, that he lent
me a blow on the face, which I verily thought had demolished my cheek-bone. I
was not slow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to be very serious,
when by accident Mr. Morgan, and one of the master’s mates, coming that way,
interposed, and, inquiring into the cause, endeavoured to promote a
reconciliation; but, finding us both exasperated to the uttermost, and bent against
accommodation, they advised us either to leave our difference undecided, till we
should have an opportunity of terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or else
choose a proper place on board, and bring it to an issue by boxing. The last
expedient was greedily embraced by us both; and, being forthwith conducted to
the ground proposed, we stripped in a moment, and began a furious contest, in
which I soon found myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much in strength and
agility, as in skill, which he had acquired in the school of Hockley-in-the-Hole at
Tottenham-court. Many cross buttocks did I sustain, and pegs on the stomach
without number, till at last my breath being quite gone, as well as my vigour
wasted, I grew desperate, and collecting all my strength in one effort, threw in at
once, head, hands, and feet, with such violence, that I drove my antagonist three
paces backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell, and pitching upon
his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion. Morgan,
looking down, and seeing him lie in that condition, cried, “Upon my conscience,
as I am a Christian sinner, (look you,) I believe his pattles are all ofer; but I take
you all to witness that there was no treachery in the case, and that he has
suffered by the chance of war.” So saying he descended to the deck below, to
examine into the situation of my adversary, and left me very little pleased with
my victory, as I found myself not only terribly bruised, but likewise in danger of
being called to account for the death of Crampley; but this fear vanished when
my fellow-mate having, by bleeding him in the jugular, brought him to himself,
and inquired into the state of his body, called up to me to be under no concern,
for the midshipman had received no other damage than as pretty a luxation of
the os humeri as one would desire to see on a summer’s day. Upon this
information I crawled down to the cock-pit, and acquainted Thompson with the
affair, who, providing himself with bandages, etc, necessary for the occasion,
went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the dislocation. When this was
successfully performed, they wished me joy of the event of the combat; and the
Welshman, after observing, that, in all likelihood, the ancient Scots and Britons
were the same people, bade me “praise Cot for putting mettle in my pelly, and
strength in my limbs to support it.” I acquired such reputation by this rencontre,
which lasted twenty minutes, that everybody became more cautious in behaviour
towards me; though Crampley, with his arm in a sling, talked very high, and
threatened to seize the first opportunity of retrieving on shore the honour he had
lost by an accident, from which I could justly claim no merit.
About this time, Captain Oakum, having received sailing orders, came on
board, and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country, who soon made
us sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure of Doctor Atkins; for he was
grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving; a
merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In the
morning after the captain came on board, our first mate, according to custom,
went to wait on him with a sick list, which, when this grim commander had
perused, he cried with a stern countenance, “Blood and cons! sixty-one sick
people on board of my ship! Harkee, you sir, I’ll have no sick in my ship, by G
—d.” The Welshman replied, “he should be very glad to find no sick people on
board: but, while it was otherwise, he did no more than his duty in presenting
him with a list.” “You and your list may be d—n’d,” said the captain, throwing it
at him; “I say, there shall be no sick in this ship while I have the command of
her.” Mr. Morgan, being nettled at this treatment, told him his indignation ought
to be directed to Cot Almighty, who visited his people with distempers, and not
to him, who contributed all in his power towards their cure. The bashaw, not
being used to such behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged to fury at this
satirical insinuation, and, stamping with his foot, called him insolent scoundrel,
threatening to have him pinioned to the deck, if he should presume to utter
another syllable. But the blood of Caractacus being thoroughly heated, disdained
to be restricted by such a command, and began to manifest itself in, “Captain
Oakum, I am a shentleman of birth and parentage (look you), and peradventure I
am moreover.” Here his harangue was broken off by the captain’s steward, who,
being Morgan’s countryman, hurried him out of the cabin before he had time to
exasperate his master to a greater degree, and this would certainly have been the
case; for the indignant Welshman could hardly be hindered by his friend’s
arguments and entreaties from re-entering the presence-chamber, and defying
Captain Oakum to his teeth. He was, however appeased at length, and came
down to the berth, where, finding Thompson and me at work preparing
medicines, he bade us leave off our lapour to go to play, for the captain, by his
sole word, and power, and command, had driven sickness a pegging to the tevil,
and there was no more malady on board. So saying, he drank off a gill of brandy
sighed grievously three times, poured fort an ejaculation of “Cot pless my heart,
liver, and lungs!” and then began to sing a Welsh song with great earnestness of
visage, voice, and gesture. I could not conceive the meaning of this singular
phenomenon, and saw by the looks of Thompson, who at the same time shook
his head, that he suspected poor Cadwallader’s brains were unsettled. He,
perceiving our amazement, told us he would explain the mystery; but at the same
time bade us take notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, and
widower, almost forty years, and in all that time there was no man, nor mother’s
son in the whole world who durst use him so ill as Captain Oakum had done.
Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between them, as I have
already related it: and had no sooner finished this narration than he received a
message from the surgeon, to bring the sick-list to the quarter-deck, for the
captain had ordered all the patients thither to be reviewed.
This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be impossible
to carry some of them on the deck, without imminent danger of their lives: but,
as we likewise knew it would be to no purpose for us to remonstrate against it,
we repaired to the quarter-deck in a body, to see this extraordinary muster;
Morgan observing by the way, that the captain was going to send to the other
world a great many evidences to testify against himself. When we appeared upon
deck, the captain bade the doctor, who stood bowing at his right hand, look at
these lazy lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for nothing on board but to
eat the king’s provision, and encourage idleness in the skulkers. The surgeon
grinned approbation, and, taking the list, began to examine the complaints of
each as they could crawl to the place appointed. The first who came under his
cognizance was a poor fellow just freed of a fever, which had weakened him so
much that he could hardly stand. Mr. Mackshane (for that was the doctor’s
name), having felt his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in the world;
and the captain delivered him over to the boatswain’s mate, with orders that he
should receive a round dozen at the gangway immediately, for counterfeiting
himself sick; but, before the discipline could be executed, the man dropped
down on the deck, and had well nigh perished under the hands of the
executioner. The next patient to be considered, laboured under a quartan ague,
and, being then in his interval of health, discovered no other symptoms of
distemper than a pale meagre countenance and emaciated body; upon which he
was declared fit for duty, and turned over to the boatswain; but, being resolved to
disgrace the doctor, died upon the forecastle next day, during his cold fit. The
third complained of a pleuritic stitch, and spitting of blood, for which Doctor
Mackshane prescribed exercise at the pump to promote expectoration! but
whether this was improper for one in his situation, or that it was used to excess, I
know not, but in less than half-an-hour he was suffocated with a deluge of blood
that issued from his lungs. A fourth, with much difficulty, climbed to the quarter-
deck, being loaded with a monstrous ascites, or dropsy, that invaded his chest so
much, he could scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being interpreted into fat,
occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he was ordered, with a view to
promote perspiration and enlarge his chest, to go aloft immediately. It was in
vain for this unwieldy wretch to allege his utter incapacity; the boatswain’s
driver was commanded to whip him up with the cat-and-nine-tails; the smart of
this application made him exert himself so much, that he actually arrived at the
puttock shrouds; but when the enormous weight of his body had nothing else to
support than his weakened arms, either out of spite or necessity, he quitted his
hold, and plunged into the sea, where he must have been drowned, had not a
sailor, who was in a boat alongside, saved his life, by keeping him afloat till he
was hoisted on board by a tackle.
It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every miserable
object that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance of the captain and surgeon,
who so wantonly sacrificed the lives of their fellow-creatures. Many were
brought up in the height of fevers, and rendered delirious by the injuries they
received in the way. Some gave up the ghost in the presence of their inspectors;
and others, who were ordered to their duties, languished a few days at work
among their fellows, and then departed without any ceremony. On the whole, the
number of the sick was reduced to less than a dozen; and the authors of this
reduction were applauding themselves for the services they had done to their
king and country, when the boatswain’s mate informed his honour, that there was
a man below lashed to his hammock, by direction of the doctor’s mate, and that
he begged hard to be released; affirming, he had been so maltreated only for a
grudge Mr. Morgan bore him, and that he was as much in his senses as any man
aboard. The captain hearing this, darted a severe look at the Welshman, and
ordered the man to be brought up immediately; upon which, Morgan protested
with great fervency, that the person in question was as mad as a March hare; and
begged for the love of Cot, they would at least keep his arms pinioned during his
examination, to prevent him from doing mischief. This request the commander
granted for his own sake, and the patient was produced, who insisted upon his
being in his right wits with such calmness and strength of argument, that
everybody present was inclined to believe him, except Morgan, who affirmed
there was no trusting to appearances; for he himself had been so much imposed
upon by his behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound him with
his own hands, and had well nigh been murdered for his pains: this was
confirmed by the evidence of one of the waiters, who declared he had pulled this
patient from the doctor’s mate, whom he had gotten down, and almost strangled.
To this the man answered, that the witness was a creature of Morgan’s, and
suborned to give his testimony against him by the malice of the mate, whom the
defendant had affronted, by discovering to the people on board, that Mr.
Morgan’s wife kept a gin-shop in Ragfair. This anecdote produced a laugh at the
expense of the Welshman, who, shaking his head with some emotion, said, “Ay,
ay, ’tis no matter. Cot knows, it is an arrant falsehood.” Captain Oakum, without
any farther hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at the same time,
threatening to make Morgan exchange situations with him for his spite; but the
Briton no sooner heard the decision in favour of the madman, than he got up to
the mizen-shrouds, crying to Thompson and me to get out of his reach, for we
should see him play the devil with a vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard
his caution, and accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac
(as soon as he was released) fly at the captain like a fury, crying, “I’ll let you
know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this vessel,” and pummel him
without mercy. The surgeon, who went to the assistance of his patron, shared the
same fate; and it was with the utmost difficulty that he was mastered at last, after
having done great execution among those who opposed him.
 CHAPTER XXVIII

The Captain enraged, threatens to put the Madman to death with

his own hand—is diverted from that resolution by the arguments
and persuasion of the first Lieutenant and Surgeon—we set sail
for St. Helen’s, join the fleet under the command of Sir C— O—
gle, and proceed for the West Indies—are overtaken by a terrible
tempest—my friend Jack Rattlin has his leg broke by a fall from
the mainyard—the behaviour of Mr. Mackshane—Jack opposes
the amputation of his limb, in which he is seconded by Morgan
and me, we undertake the cure and perform it successfully

The captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the treatment he had
received, that he ordered the fellow to be brought before him, that he might have
the pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand; and would certainly have
satisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the first lieutenant remonstrated
against it, by observing that, in all appearances, the fellow was not mad, but
desperate; that he had been hired by some enemy of the captain’s to him, and
therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could be brought to a court-martial,
which, no doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom (by which means important
discoveries might be made), and then sentence the criminal to a death according
to his demerits. This suggestion, improbable as it was, had the desired effect
upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the meridan of his intellects; more
especially as Dr. Mackshane espoused this opinion, in consequence of his
previous declaration that the man was not mad. Morgan finding there was no
more damage done, could not help discovering by his countenance the pleasure
he enjoyed on this occasion; and, while he bathed the doctor’s face with an
embrocation, ventured to ask him, whether he thought there were more fools or
madmen on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this sally, which
his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to be taken notice of at a more fit
season. Meanwhile we weighed anchor, and, on our way to the Downs, the
madman, who was treated as a prisoner, took an opportunity, while the sentinel
attending him was at the head, to leap and frustrate the revenge of the captain.
We stayed not long at the Downs, but took the benefit of the first easterly wind to
go round to Spithead: where, having received provisions on board for six
months, we sailed from St. Helen’s in the grand fleet bound for the West Indies,
on the ever-memorable expedition of Carthagena.
It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the point of being
transported to such a distant and unhealthy climate, destitute of every
convenience that could render such a voyage supportable, and under the
dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was almost intolerable;
however, as these complaints were common to a great many on board, I resolved
to submit patiently to my fate, and contrive to make myself as easy as the nature
of the case would allow. We got out of the channel with a prosperous breeze,
which died away, leaving us becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward of the
Lizard: but this state of inaction did not last long; for next night our maintop-sail
was split by the wind, which, in the morning, increased to a hurricane. I was
awakened by a most horrible din, occasioned by the play of the gun carriages
upon the decks above, the cracking of cabins, the howling of the wind through
the shrouds, the confused noise of the ship’s crew, the pipes of the boatswain and
his mates, the trumpets of the lieutenants, and the clanking of the chain pumps.
Morgan who had never been at sea before, turned out in a great hurry, crying,
“Cot have mercy and compassion upon us! I believe, we have cot upon the
confines of Lucifer and the d—n’d!” while poor Thompson lay quaking in his
hammock, putting up petitions to heaven for our safety. I rose and joined the
Welshman, with whom (after having fortified ourselves with brandy) I went
above; but if my sense of hearing was startled before, how must my sight have
been apalled in beholding the effects of the storm! The sea was swelled into
billows mountain-high, on the top of which our ship sometimes hung as if it
were about to be precipitated to the abyss below! Sometimes we sank between
two waves that rose on each side higher than our topmast-head, and threatened
by dashing together to overwhelm us in a moment! Of all our fleet, consisting of
a hundred and fifty sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving under their
bare poles, at the mercy of the tempest. At length the mast of one of them gave
way, and tumbled overboard with a hideous crash! Nor was the prospect in our
own ship much more agreeable; a number of officers and sailors ran backward
and forward with distraction in their looks, halloaing to one another, and
undetermined what they should attend to first. Some clung to the yards,
endeavouring to unbend the sails that were split into a thousand pieces flapping
in the wind; others tried to furl those which were yet whole, while the masts, at
every pitch, bent and quivered like twigs, as if they would have shivered into
innumerable splinters! While I considered this scene with equal terror and
astonishment, one of the main braces broke, by the shock whereof two sailors
were flung from the yard’s arm into the sea, where they perished, and poor Jack
Rattlin thrown down upon the deck, at the expense of a broken leg. Morgan and
I ran immediately to his assistance, and found a splinter of the shin-bone thrust
by the violence of the fall through the skin; as this was a case of too great
consequence to be treated without the authority of the doctor I went down to his
cabin to inform him of the accident, as well as to bring up dressings which we
always kept ready prepared. I entered his apartment without any ceremony, and,
by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him on his knees before something that
very much resembled a crucifix; but this I will not insist upon, that I may not
seem too much a slave to common report, which indeed assisted my conjecture
on this occasion, by representing Dr. Mackshane as a member of the church of
Rome. Be this as it will, he got up in a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose)
by his being disturbed in his devotion, and in a trice snatched the subject of my
suspicion from my sight.
After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with the situation
of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him to visit him on deck, where
he lay; he bade me desire the boatswain to order some of the men to carry him
down to the cockpit, “and in the meantime,” said he, “I will direct Thompson to
get ready the dressings.” When I signified to the boatswain the doctor’s desire,
he swore a terrible oath, that he could not spare one man from deck, because he
expected the mast would go by the board every minute. This piece of
information did not at all contribute to my peace of mind; however, as my friend
Rattlin complained very much, with the assistance of Morgan I supported him to
the lower deck, whither Mr. Mackshane, after much entreaty, ventured to come,
attended by Thompson, with a box full of dressings, and his own servant, who
carried a whole set of capital instruments. He examined the fracture and the
wound, and concluding, from a livid colour extending itself upon the limb, that
mortification would ensue, resolved to amputate the leg immediately. This was a
dreadful sentence to the patient, who, recruiting himself with a quid of tobacco,
pronounced with a woful countenance, “What! is there no remedy, doctor! must
I be dock’d? can’t you splice it?” “Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane,” said the first
mate, “with submission, and deference, and veneration, to your superior apilities,
and opportunities, and stations, look you, I do apprehend, and conjure, and aver,
that there is no occasion nor necessity to smite off this poor man’s leg.” “God
Almighty bless you, dear Welshman!” cried Rattlin, “may you have fair wind
and weather wheresoever you’re bound, and come to an anchor in the road of
heaven at last!” Mackshane, very much incensed at his mate’s differing in
opinion from him, so openly, answered, that he was not bound to give an account
of his practice to him; and in a peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the
tourniquet. At the sight of which, Jack, starting up, cried, “Avast, avast! D—n
my heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore! Mr. Random,
won’t you lend a hand towards saving my precious limb! Odd’s heart, if
Lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack Rattlin’s leg to be
chopped off like a piece of old junk.”
This pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to serve my honest
friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger in delaying the
amputation, induced me to declare myself of the first mate’s opinion, and affirm
that the preternatural colour of the skin was owing to an inflammation,
occasioned by a contusion, and common in all such cases, without any indication
of an approaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a great opinion of my skill,
manifestly exulted in my fellowship, and asked Thompson’s sentiments in the
matter, in hopes of strengthening our association with him too; but he, being of a
meek disposition, and either dreading the enmity of the surgeon, or speaking the
dictates of his own judgment, in a modest manner espoused the opinion of
Mackshane, who by this time having consulted with himself, determined to act
in such a manner as to screen himself from censure, and at the same time
revenge himself on us, for our arrogance in contradicting him. With this view, he
asked if we would undertake to cure the leg at our peril: that is, be answerable
for the consequence. To this question, Morgan replied, that the lives of his
creatures are at the hands of Cot alone; and it would be great presumption in him
to undertake for an event that was in the power of his Maker, no more than the
doctor could promise to cure all the sick to whom he administered his assistance;
but if the patient would put himself under our direction, we would do our
endeavour to bring his distemper to a favourable issue, to which at present we
saw no obstruction.
I signified my concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed that, shaking us both
by the hands, he swore nobody else should touch him, and, if he died, his blood
should be upon his own head. Mr. Mackshane, flattering himself with the
prospect of our miscarriage, went away, and left us to manage it as we should
think proper; accordingly, having sawed off part of the splinter that stuck
through the skin, we reduced the fracture, dressed the wound, applied the
eighteen-tailed bandage, and put the leg in a box, secundam artem. Everything
succeeded according to our wish, and we had the satisfaction of not only
preserving the poor fellow’s leg, but likewise of rendering the doctor
contemptible among the ship’s company, who had all their eyes on us during the
course of this cure, which was completed in six weeks.
 CHAPTER XXIX
Mackshane’s malice—I am taken up and imprisoned for a spy—
Morgan meets with the same fate—Thompson is tampered with
to turn evidence against us—disdains the proposal, and is
maltreated for his integrity—Morgan is released to assist the
Surgeon during an engagement with some French ships-of-war
—I remain fettered on the poop, exposed to the enemy’s shot,
and grow delirious with fear—am comforted after the battle by
Morgan, who speaks freely of the captain, is overheard by the
sentinel, who informs against him, and again imprisoned—
Thompson grows desperate, and, notwithstanding the
remonstrances of Morgan and me, goes overboard in the night

In the meantime the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that carried us into the
warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable, and the crew very sickly.
The doctor left nothing unattempted towards the completion of his vengeance
against the Welshman and me. He went among the sick under pretence of
inquiring into their grievances, with a view of picking up complaints to our
prejudice; but, finding himself frustrated in that expectation by the goodwill we
had procured from the patients by our diligence and humanity, he took the
resolution of listening to our conversation, by hiding himself behind the canvas
that surrounded our berth; here too he was detected by the boy of our mess, who
acquainted us with this piece of behaviour, and one night, while we were picking
a large bone of salt beef, Morgan discerned something stir on the outside of our
hangings, which immediately interpreting to be the doctor, he tipped me the
wink, and pointed to the place, where I could perceive somebody standing; upon
which, I snatched up the bone, and levelled it with all my force at him, saying,
“Whoever you are, take that for your curiosity.” It had the desired effect, for we
heard the listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his own cabin. I
applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out one of the most unlucky
exploits of my life, Mackshane, from that time, marking me out for destruction.
About a week after this exploit, as I was going my rounds among the sick, I
was taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by the master-at-arms, where I was
loaded with irons, and stapled to the deck, on pretence that I was a spy on board,
and had conspired against the captain’s life. How ridiculous soever this
imputation was, I did not fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be shown to
the worst of criminals, being exposed in this miserable condition to the
scorching heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome damps by night, during
the space of twelve days, in which I was neither brought to trial, nor examined
touching the probability of the charge. I had no sooner recovered the use of my
reflection, which had been quite overthrown by this accident, than I sent for
Thompson, who, after condoling me on the occasion, hinted, that I owed this
misfortune to the hatred of the doctor, who had given an information against me
to the captain, in consequence of which I was arrested, and all my papers seized.
While I was cursing my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the poop, guarded
by two corporals, who made him sit down by me, that he might be pinioned in
the same machine. Notwithstanding my situation, I could scarce refrain from
laughing at the countenance of my fellow prisoner, who, without speaking one
word, allowed his feet to be inclosed in the rings provided for that purpose; but,
when they pretended to fasten him on his back he grew outrageous, and drawing
a large couteau from his side-pocket, threatened to rip up the belly of the first
man that should approach him, in order to treat him in such an unworthy manner.
They were prepared to use him very roughly, when the lieutenant on the quarter-
deck called up to them to let him remain as he was. He then crept towards me,
and, taking me by the hand, bade me “put my trust in Cot.” And looking at
Thompson, who sat by us trembling, with a pale visage; told him there were two
more rings for his feet, and he should be glad to find him in such good company.
But it was not the intention of our adversary to include the second mate in our
fate: him he expected to be his drudge in attending the sick and, if possible, his
evidence against us: with this view he sounded him afar off, but, finding his
integrity incorruptible, harrassed him so much out of spite, that in a short time
this mild creature grew weary of his life.
 While I and my fellow prisoner comforted each other in our tribulation, the
admiral discovered four sail to leeward and made signal for our ship and four
more to chase: hereupon everything was cleared for an engagement, and
Mackshane, foreseeing he should have occasion for more assistants than one
obtained Morgan’s liberty, while I was let in this deplorable posture to the
chance of battle. It was almost dark when we came up with the sternmost chase,
which we hailed, and inquired who they were. They gave us to understand they
were French men-of-war, upon which Captain Oakum commanded them to send
their boat on board of him! but they refused, telling him, if he had any business
with them, to come on board of their ship: he then threatened to pour in a
broadside upon them, which they promised to retain. Both sides were as good as
their word, and the engagement began with great fury. The reader may guess
how I passed my time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst the terrors of a sea-
fight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder, or dashed in pieces by the
enemy’s shot! I endeavoured to compose myself as much as possible, by
reflecting that I was not a whit more exposed than those who were stationed
about me; but, when I beheld them employed without intermission in annoying
the foe, and encouraged by the society and behaviour of one another, I could
easily perceive a wide difference between their condition and mine: however, I
concealed my agitation as well as I could till the head of the officer of marines
who stood near me, being shot off, bounced from the deck athwart my face,
leaving me well nigh blinded with brains. I could contain myself no longer, but
began to bellow with all the strength of my lungs; when a drummer, coming
towards me asked if I was wounded, and, before I could answer, received a great
shot in his belly, which tore out his entrails, and he fell flat on my breast. This
accident entirely bereft me of all discretion; I redoubled my cries, which were
drowned in the noise of the battle; and, finding myself disregarded, lost all
patience, and became frantic. I vented my rage in oaths and execrations, till my
spirits, being quite exhausted, I remained quiet, as insensible of the load that
oppressed me.
The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakum, finding he was
like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair, pretended to be
undeceived by seeing their colours; and, hailing the ship whom he had fought all
night, protested he believed them Spaniards; and the guns being silenced on each
side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out, and went on board the French
commodore. Our loss amounted to ten killed, and eighteen wounded, most part
of whom afterwards died. My fellow-mates had no sooner despatched their
business in the cock-pit, than, full of friendly concern, they came to visit me.
Morgan, ascending first, and seeing my face almost covered with brains and
blood, concluded I was no longer a man for this world; and, calling to Thompson
with great emotion, bade him come up, and take his last farewell of his comrade
and countryman, who was posted to a better place, where there were no
Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and torment him. “No,” said he, taking me
by the hand, “you are going to a country where there is more respect sown to
unfortunate shentlemen, and where you will have the satisfaction of peholding
your adversaries tossing upon pillows of purning primstone.” Thompson,
alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting down
by me, with tears in his eyes inquired into the nature of my calamity. By this
time I had recollected myself so far as to be able to converse rationally with my
friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, I immediately undeceived with regard
to their apprehension of my being mortally wounded.
After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I wallowed, and
partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along with them, we entered
into discourse upon the hardships we sustained, and spoke very freely of the
author of our misery; but our discourse being overheard by the sentinel who
guarded me, he was no sooner relieved than he reported to the captain every
syllable of our conversation, according to the orders he had received. The effect
of this information soon appeared in the arrival of the master-at-arms, who
replaced Morgan in his former station, and gave the second mate a caution to
keep a strict guard over his tongue, if he did not choose to accompany us in our
confinement. Thompson, foreseeing that the whole slavery of attending the sick
and wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane, must now fall upon his
shoulders, grew desperate at the prospect, and, though I never heard him swear
before, imprecated dreadful curses on the heads of his oppressors, declaring that
he would rather quit life altogether than be much longer under the power of such
barbarians. I was not a little startled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate
his complaints, by representing the subject of my own, with as much aggravation
as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the balance of misfortune
lay on my side, and take an example from me of fortitude and submission, till
such time as we could procure redress, which I hoped was not far off,
considering that we should probably be in a harbour in less than three days,
where we should have an opportunity of preferring our complaints to the
admiral. The Welshman joined in my remonstrance, and was at great pains to
demonstrate that it was every man’s duty as well as interest to resign himself to
the divine will, and look upon himself as a sentinel upon duty, who is by no
means at liberty to leave his post before he is relieved. Thompson listened
attentively to what he said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears, shook his hand,
and left us without making any reply. About eleven at night he came to see us
again with a settled gloom on his countenance, and gave us to understand that he
had undergone excessive toil since he saw us, and in recompense had been
grossly abused by the doctor, who taxed him with being confederate with us, in a
design of taking away his life and that of the captain. After some time spent in
mutual exhortation, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand with uncommon
fervour, cried, “God bless you both!” and left us to wonder at his singular
manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make a deep impression on us
both.
Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, the unhappy young
man was missing, and, after strict search, supposed to have gone overboard in
the night; and this was certainly the case.
 CHAPTER XXX

We lament the fate of our companion—the Captain offers

Morgan his liberty, which he refuses to accept—we are brought
before him and examined—Morgan is sent back into custody,
whither also I am remanded after a curious trial

The news of this event affected my fellow prisoner and me extremely, as our
unfortunate companion had justly acquired by his amiable disposition the love
and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted his untimely fate, the greater
horror we conceived for the villain who was undoubtedly the occasion of it. This
abandoned miscreant did not discover the least symptom of concern for
Thompson’s death, although he must have been conscious to himself of having
driven him by ill usage to the fatal resolution, but desired the captain to set
Morgan at liberty again to look after the patients. Accordingly one of the
corporals was sent up to unfetter him, but he protested he would not be released
until he should know for what he was confined; nor would he be a tennisball, nor
a shuttlecock, nor a trudge, nor a scullion, to any captain under the sun. Oakum,
finding him obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his power to exercise his
tyranny much longer with impunity, was willing to show some appearance of
justice and therefore ordered us both to be brought before him on the quarter-
deck, where he sat in state, with his cleric on one side, and his counsellor
Mackshane on the other. When we approached, he honoured us with this
salutation: “So, gentlemen, d—n my blood! many a captain in the navy would
have ordered you both to be tucked up to the yard’s arm, without either judge or
jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but, d—n my blood, I have too
much good nature in allowing such dogs as you to make defence.” “Captain
Oakum,” said my fellow-sufferer, “certainly it is in your power (Cot help the
while) to tack us all up at your will, desire, and pleasures. And perhaps it would
be petter for some of us to be tucked up than to undergo the miseries to which
we have been exposed. So may the farmer hang his kids for his diversion, and
amusement, and mirth; but there is such a thing as justice, if not upon earth,
surely in heaven, that will punish with fire and primstone all those who take
away the lives of innocent people out of wantonness, and parparity (look you).
In the mean time. I shall be glad to know the crimes laid to my charge, and see
the person who accuses me.” “That you shall,” said the captain; “here, doctor,
what have you to say?” Mackshane, stepping forward, hemmed a good while, in
order to clear his throat, and, before he began, Morgan accosted him thus:
“Doctor Mackshane, look in my face—look in the face of an honest man, who
abhors a false witness as he abhors the tevil, and Cot be judge between you and
me.” The doctor, not minding this conjuration, made the following speech, as
near as I can remember: “I’ll tell you what, Mr. Morgan; to be sure what you say
is just, in regard to an honest man, and if so be it appears as how you are an
honest man, then it is my opinion that you deserve to be acquitted, in relation to
that there affair, for I tell you what, Captain Oakum is resolved for to do
everybody justice. As for my own part, all that I have to allege is, that I have
been informed you have spoken disrespectful words against your captain, who,
to be sure, is the most honourable and generous commander in the king’s
service, without asparagement or acception of man, woman, or child.”
Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume himself,
Morgan replied, “I do partly guess, and conceive, and understand your meaning,
which I wish could be more explicit; but, however, I do suppose, I am not to be
condemned upon bare hearsay; or, if I am convicted of speaking disrespectfully
of Captain Oakum, I hope there is no treason in my words.” “But there’s mutiny,
by G—d, and that’s death by the articles of war!” cried Oakum: “In the
meantime, let the witnesses be called.” Hereupon Mackshane’s servant appeared,
and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced and tutored for the purpose.
The first declared, that Morgan as he descended the cockpit-ladder one day,
cursed the captain, and called him a savage beast, saying, he ought to be hunted
down as an enemy to mankind. “This,” said the clerk, “is a strong presumption
of a design, formed against the captain’s life. For why? It presupposes malice
aforethought, and a criminal intention a priori.” “Right,” said the captain to this
miserable grub, who had been an attorney’s boy, “you shall have law enough:
here’s Cook and Littlejohn to it.” This evidence was confirmed by the boy, who
affirmed, he heard the first mate say, that the captain had no more bowels than a
bear, and the surgeon had no more brain than an ass. Then the sentinel, who
heard our discourse on the poop was examined, and informed the court that the
Welshman assured me, Captain Oakum and Doctor Mackshane would toss upon
billows of burning brimstone in hell for their barbarity. The clerk observed, that
there was an evident prejudication, which confirmed the former suspicion of a
conspiracy against the life of Captain Oakum; for, because, how could Morgan
so positively pronounce that the captain and surgeon would d—n’d, unless he
had intention to make away with them before they could have time to repent?
This sage explanation had great weight with our noble commander, who
exclaimed, “What have you to say to this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all a-
back, brother, ha!” Morgan was too much of a gentleman to disown the text,
although he absolutely denied the truth of the comment. Upon which the captain,
strutting up to him with a ferocious countenance, said, “So Mr. son of a bitch,
you confess you honoured me with the names of bear and beast, and pronounced
my damnation? D—n my heart! I have a good mind to have you brought to a
court-martial and hang’d, you dog.” Here Mackshane, having occasion for an
assistant, interposed, and begged the captain to pardon Mr. Morgan with his
wonted goodness, upon condition that he the delinquent should make such
submission as the nature of his misdemeanour demanded. Upon which the
Cambro-Briton, who on this occasion would have made no submission to the
Great Mogul, surrounded with his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation,
and acknowledged himself in the wrong for calling the image of Cot a peast,
“but,” said he, “I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and comparison, and types; as
we signify meekness by a lamb, lechery by a goat, and craftiness by a fox; so we
liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, and fury to a tiger; therefore I
made use of these similes to express my sentiments (look you), and what I said
before Cot, I will not unsay before man nor peast neither.”
Oakum was so provoked at this insolence (as he termed it,) that he ordered
him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement, and his clerk to
proceed on the examination of me. The first question put to me was touching the
place of my nativity, which I declared to be the north of Scotland. “The north of
Ireland more like!” cried the captain; “but we shall bring you up presently.” He
then asked what religion I professed; and when I answered “the Protestant,”
swore I was an arrant Roman as ever went to mass. “Come, come, clerk,”
continued he, “catechise him a little on this subject.” But before I relate the
particulars of the clerk’s inquiries, it will not be amiss to inform the reader that
our commander himself was an Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman
Catholic to boot. “You say, you are a Protestant,” said the clerk; “make the sign
of the cross with your finger, so, and swear upon it to that affirmation.” When I
was about to perform the ceremony, the captain cried with some emotion, “No,
no, d—me! I’ll have no profanation neither. But go on with your interrogations.”
“Well then,” proceeded my examiner, “how many sacraments are there?” To
which I replied, “Two.” “What are they?” said he. I answered, “Baptism and the
Lord’s Supper.” “And so you would explode confirmation and marriage
altogether?” said Oakum. “I thought this fellow was a rank Roman.” The clerk,
though he was bred under an attorney, could not refrain from blushing at this
blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal, by observing, that these decoys
would not do with me, who seemed to be an old offender. He went on with
asking, if I believed in transubstantiation; but I treated the notion of real
presence with such disrespect, that his patron was scandalised at my impiety, and
commanded him to proceed to the plot. Whereupon this miserable pettifogger
told me, there was great reason to suspect me of being a spy on board, and that I
had entered into a conspiracy with Thompson, and others not yet detected,
against the life of Captain Oakum, which accusation they pretended to support
by the evidence of our boy, who declared he had often heard the deceased
Thompson and me whispering together, and could distinguish the words,
“Oakum, rascal, poison, pistol;” by which expressions it appeared, we did intend
to use sinister means to accomplish his destruction. That the death of Thompson
seemed to confirm this conjecture, who, either feeling the stings of remorse for
being engaged in such a horrid confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which he
must have infallibly suffered an ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his
own existence. But what established the truth of the whole was, a book in
cyphers found among my papers, which exactly tallied with one found in his
chest, after his disappearance. This, he observed, was a presumption very near
positive proof, and would determine any jury in Christendom to find me guilty.
In my own defence, I alleged, that I had been dragged on board at first very
much against my inclination, as I could prove by the evidence of some people
now in the ship, consequently could have no design of becoming spy at that
time; and ever since had been entirely out of the reach of any correspondence
that could justly entail that suspicion upon me. As for conspiring against my
captain’s life, it could not be supposed that any man in his right wits would
harbour the least thought of such an undertaking, which he could not possibly
perform without certain infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all the
inclination in the world. That, allowing the boy’s evidence to be true (which I
affirmed was false and malicious), nothing conclusive could be gathered from a
few incoherent words; neither was the fate of Mr. Thompson a circumstance
more favourable for the charge; for I had in my pocket a letter which too well
explained that mystery, in a very different manner from that which was
supposed. With these words, I produced the following letter, which Jack Rattlin
brought to me the very day after Thompson disappeared; and told me it was
committed to his care by the deceased, who made him promise not to deliver it
sooner. The clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud the contents, which were
these;

‘Dear Friend,—I am so much oppressed with the fatigue I daily

and nightly undergo, and the barbarous usage of Doctor
Mackshane, who is bent on your destruction as well as mine,
that I am resolved to free myself from this miserable life, and,
before you receive this, shall be no more. I could have wished to
die in your good opinion, which I am afraid I shall forfeit by the
last act of my life; but, if you cannot acquit me, I know you will
at least preserve some regard for the memory of an unfortunate
young man who loved you. I recommend it to you, to beware of
Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. I wish all prosperity
to you and Mr. Morgan, to whom pray offer my last respects,
and beg to be remembered as your unhappy friend and
countryman,

‘William Thompson.’

This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a transport of rage,

snatched it out of the clerk’s hands, and tore it into a thousand pieces, saying, it
was a villainous forgery, contrived and executed by myself. The captain and
clerk declared themselves of the same opinion, although I insisted of having the
remains of it compared with other writings of Thompson, which they had in their
possession; and I was ordered to answer the last article of my accusation,
namely, the book of ciphers found among my papers. “That is easily done,” said
I. “What you are pleased to call ciphers, are no other than the Greek characters,
in which, for my amusement, I keep a diary of everything remarkable that has
occurred to my observation since the beginning of the voyage, till the day in
which I was put in irons; and the same method was practised by Mr. Thompson,
who copied mine.” “A very likely story,” cried Mackshane; “what occasion was
there for using Greek characters, if you were not afraid of discovering what you
had wrote? But what d’ye talk of Greek characters? D’ye think I am so ignorant
of the Greek language, as not to distinguish its letters from these, which are no
more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge of the Greek
for you, nor none that ever came from your country.” So saying, with an
unparalleled effrontery, he repeated some gibberish, which by the sound seemed
to be Irish, and made it pass for Greek with the captain, who, looking at me with
a contemptuous sneer, exclaimed, “Ah, ah! have you caught a tartar?” I could
not help smiling at the consummate assurance of this Hibernian, and offered to
refer the dispute to anybody on board who understood the Greek alphabet. Upon
which Morgan was brought back, and, being made acquainted with the affair,
took the book, and read a whole page in English, without hesitation, deciding the
controversy in my favour. The doctor was so far from being out of countenance
at this detection, that he affirmed Morgan was in the secret, and repeated from
his own invention. Oakum said, “Ay, ay, I see they are both in a story;” and
dismissed my fellow-mate to his cockloft, although I proposed that he and I
should read and translate, separately, any chapter or verse in the Greek
Testament in his possession, by which it would appear whether we or the
surgeon spoke truth. Not being endued with eloquence enough to convince the
captain that there could be no juggle nor confederacy in this expedient, I begged
to be examined by some unconcerned person on board, who understood Greek.
Accordingly, the whole ship’s company, officers and all, were called upon deck,
among whom it was proclaimed that, if anyone of them could speak Greek, he or
they so qualified should ascend the quarter-deck immediately. After some pause,
two foremast men came up, and professed their skill in that language, which,
they said, they acquired during several voyages to the Levant, among the Greeks
of the Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration, and put my journal
book into the hands of one of them, who candidly owned he could neither read
nor write; the other acknowledged the same degree of ignorance, but pretended
to speak the Greek lingo with any man on board; and, addressing himself to me,
pronounced some sentences of a barbarous corrupted language, which I did not
understand. I asserted that the modern Greek was as different from that spoken
and written by the ancients, as the English used now from the old Saxon spoke
in the time of Hengist: and, as I had only learned the true original tongue, in
which Homer, Pindar, the Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity wrote, it
could not be supposed that I should know anything of an imperfect Gothic
dialect that rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce retained any traces of the
old expression: but, if Doctor Mackshane, who pretended to be master of the
Greek language, could maintain a conversation with these seamen, I would
retract what I had said, and be content to suffer any punishment be should think
proper to inflict. I had no sooner uttered these words than the surgeon, knowing
one of the fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in Irish, and was
answered in the same brogue; then a dialogue ensued between them, which they
affirmed to be in Greek, after having secured the secrecy of the other tar, who
had his cue in the language of the Morea, from his companion, before they
would venture to assert such an intrepid falsehood. “I thought,” said Oakum,
“we should discover the imposture at last. Let the rascal be carried back to his
confinement. I find he must dangle.” Having nothing further to urge in my own
behalf, before a court so prejudiced with spite, and fortified with ignorance
against truth, I suffered myself to be reconducted peaceably to my fellow-
prisoner, who, hearing the particulars of my trial, lifted up his hands and eyes to
Heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan: and, not daring to disburden his thoughts
to me by speech, lest he might be overheard by the sentinel, burst forth into a
Welsh song, which he accompanied with a thousand contortions of face and
violent gestures of body.
 CHAPTER XXXI
I discover a subornation against me, by means of a quarrel
between two of the evidences; in consequence of which I am set
at liberty, and prevail upon Morgan to accept of his freedom on
the same terms—Mackshane’s malice—we arrive at Jamaica,
from whence in a short time we beat up to Hispaniola, in
conjunction with the West India squadron—we take in water,
sail again, and arrive at Carthagena—Reflections on our conduct
there

Meanwhile, a quarrel happening between the two modern Greeks, the one, to
be revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the mystery of Mackshane’s
dialogue, as I have explained it above. This detection coming to the ears of the
doctor, who was sensible that (now we were in sight of Jamaica) we should have
an opportunity of clearing ourselves before a court-martial, and, at the same
time, of making his malice and ignorance conspicuous, he interceded for us with
the captain so effectually, that in a few hours we were set at liberty, and ordered
to return to our duty. This was a happy event for me, my whole body being
blistered by the sun, and my limbs benumbed by want of motion: but I could
scarce persuade the Welshman to accept of this indulgence, he persisted in his
obstinacy to remain in irons, until he should be discharged by a court-martial,
which, he believed would also do him justice on his enemies. At length I
represented to him the precarious issue of a trial, the power and interest of his
adversaries, and flattered his revenge with the hope of wreaking his resentment
with his own hands upon Mackshane after our return to England. This last
argument had more weight with him than all the rest, and prevailed upon him to
repair with me to the cockpit, which I no sooner entered, than the idea of my
departed friend presented itself to my remembrance, and filled my eyes with
tears. We discharged from our mess the boy who had acted so perfidiously,
notwithstanding his tears, intreaties, and of penitence for what he had done; but
not before he had confessed that the surgeon had bribed him to give evidence
against us, with a pair of stockings and a couple of old check shirts, of which his
servant had since plundered him.
The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor, we detained
the messenger until we had examined the contents; and my fellow-mate, finding
all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust, his brandy exhausted, and his
onions gone, was seized with a fit of choler, which he discharged on
Mackshane’s man in oaths and execrations, threatening to prosecute him as a
thief. The fellow swore in his turn, that he never had the keys in his possession
till that time, when he received them from his master with orders to deliver them
to us. “As Cot is my judge,” cried Morgan, “and my salfation, and my witness;
whosoever has pilfered my provisions is a lousy, peggarly, rascally knave! and
by the soul of my grandsire, I will impeach, and accuse, and indict him, of a
roppery, if I did but know who he is.” Had this misfortune happened at sea,
where we could not repair the loss, in all probability this descendant of
Caractacus would have lost his wits entirely; but, when I observed how easy it
would be to remedy this paltry mischance, he became more calm, and reconciled
himself to the occasion.
A little while after this transport the surgeon came into the birth, under
pretence of taking something out of the medicine chest, and, with a smiling
aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, which, he said, he had been at great
pains to obtain of the captain, who was very justly incensed at our behaviour; but
he, the doctor, had passed his word for our future conduct, and he hoped we
should give him no cause to repent of his kindness. He expected, no doubt, an
acknowledgment from us for this pretended piece of service, as well as a general
amnesty of what was past; but he had to do with people who were not quite so
apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or to forget that, if our deliverance was
owing to his mediation, our calamity was occasioned by his malice; I therefore
sat silent, while my companion answered, “Ay, ay, ’tis no matter, Cot knows the
heart; there is a time for all things, as the wise man saith; there is a time for
throwing away stones, and to gather them up.” He seemed to be disconcerted at
this reply, and went away in a pet, muttering something about “Ingratitude,” and
“Fellows,” of which we did not think fit to take any notice.
 Our fleet, having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor about a
month in the harbour of Port Royal in Jamaica, during which time something of
consequence was certainly transacted; notwithstanding the insinuations of some,
who affirmed we had no business at all in that place; that, in order to take the
advantage of the season proper for our enterprise, the West India squadron,
which had previous notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at the west
end of Hispaniola, with necessary stores and refreshments, from whence we
could have sailed directly for Carthagena, before the enemy could put
themselves in a good posture of defence, or, indeed, have an inkling of our
design. Be this as it will, we sailed from Jamaica, and, in ten days or a fortnight,
beat up against the wind as far as the Isle of Vache, with an intention, as was
said, to attack the French fleet, then supposed to be lying near that place; but
before we arrived, they had sailed for Europe, having first dispatched an advice-
boat to Carthagena, with an account of our being in those seas, as also of our
strength and destination. We loitered here some days longer, taking in wood and
brackish water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to consult the
health of the men, by restricting each to a quart a day.
At length we set sail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of Carthagena,
where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten days longer. Here, again,
certain malicious people took occasion to blame the conduct of their superiors,
by saying, that in so doing they not only unprofitably wasted time, which was
very precious, considering the approach of the rainy season, but also allowed the
Spaniards to recollect themselves from a terror occasioned by the approach of an
English fleet, at least three times as numerous as ever appeared in that part of the
world before. But if I might be allowed to give my opinion of the matter, I would
ascribe this delay to the generosity of our chiefs, who scorned to take any
advantage that fortune might give them even over an enemy. At last, however,
we weighed, and anchored again somewhat nearer the harbour’s mouth, where
we made shift to land our marines, who encamped on the beach, in despite of the
enemy’s shot, which knocked a good many of them on the head. This piece of
conduct, in choosing a camp under the walls of an enemy’s fortification, which I
believe never happened before, was practised, I presume, with a view of
accustoming the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much used to
discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-tail a few months
before. This expedient, again, has furnished matter for censure against the
ministry, for sending a few raw recruits on such an important enterprise, while so
many veteran regiments lay inactive at home. But surely our governors had their
reasons for so doing, which possibly may be disclosed with other secrets of the
deep. Perhaps they were loth to risk their best troops on such desperate service,
or the colonel and the field officers of the old corps, who, generally speaking,
enjoyed their commissions as sinecures or pensions, for some domestic services
rendered to the court, refused to embark in such a dangerous and precarious
undertaking; for which refusal, no doubt, they are to be much commended.
 CHAPTER XXXII

Our Land Forces being disembarked, erect a fascine battery—

our ship is ordered, with four more, to batter the port of Bocca
Chica—Mackshane’s cowardice—the Chaplain’s frenzy—
honest Rattlin loses one hand—his heroism and reflections on
the battle—Crampley’s behaviour to me during the heat of the
Fight

Our forces being landed and stationed as I have already mentioned, set about
erecting a fascine battery to cannonade the principal fort of the enemy; and in
something more than three weeks, it was ready to open. That we might do the
Spaniards as much honour as possible, it was determined, in a council of war,
that five of our largest ships should attack the fort on one side, while the battery,
strengthened by two mortars and twenty-four cohorns, should ply it on the other.
Accordingly, the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was hoisted, we
being advertised, the night before, to make everything clear for that purpose;
and, in so doing, a difference happened between Captain Oakum and his well-
beloved cousin and counsellor Mackshane, which had well nigh terminated in an
open rupture. The doctor, who had imagined there was no more danger of being
hurt by the enemy’s shot in the cockpit than in the centre of the earth, was lately
informed that a surgeon’s mate had been killed in that part of the ship by a
cannon-ball from two small redoubts that were destroyed before the
disembarkation of our soldiers; and therefore insisted upon having a platform
raised for the convenience of the sick and wounded in the after-hold, where he
deemed himself more secure than on the deck above. The captain, offended at
this extraordinary proposal, accused him of pusillanimity, and told him, there
was no room in the hold for such an occasion: or, if there was, he could not
expect to be indulged more than the rest of the surgeons of the navy, who used
the cockpit for that purpose. Fear rendering Mackshane obstinate, he persisted in
his demand, and showed his instructions, by which it was authorised; the captain
swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy poltroons who were
never at sea; nevertheless he was obliged to comply, and sent for the carpenter to
give him orders about it. But, before any such measure could be taken, our signal
was thrown out, and the doctor compelled to trust his carcass in the cockpit,
where Morgan and I were busy in putting our instruments and dressings in order.
Our ship, with others destined for this service, immediately weighed, and in
less than half-an-hour came to an anchor before the castle of Bocca Chica, with a
spring upon our cable, and the cannonading (which indeed was dreadful) began.
The surgeon, after having crossed himself, fell flat on the deck; and the chaplain
and purser, who were stationed with us in quality of assistants, followed his
example, while the Welshman and I sat upon a chest looking at one another with
great discomposure, scarce able to refrain from the like prostration. And that the
reader may know it was not a common occasion that alarmed us thus, I must
inform him of the particulars of this dreadful din that astonished us. The fire of
the Spaniards proceeded from eighty-four great guns, besides a mortar and small
arms, in Bocca Chica; thirty-six in Fort St. Joseph; twenty in two fascine
batteries, and four men-of-war, mounting sixty-four guns each. This was
answered by our land-battery mounted with twenty-one cannon, two mortars,
and twenty-four cohorns, and five great ships of seventy or eighty guns, that
fired without intermission.
We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought
another on his back to the cockpit, where he tossed him down like a bag of oats,
and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his mouth without
speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined the condition of the wounded
man, and cried out, “As I shall answer now, the man is as dead as my great
grandfather.” “Dead,” said his comrade; “he may be dead now, for aught I know,
but I’ll be d—d if he was not alive when I took him up.” So saying, he was about
to return to his quarters, when I bade him carry the body along with him, and
throw it overboard. “D—n the body!” said he, “I think ’tis fair enough if I take
care of my own.” My fellow mate, snatching up the amputation knife, pursued
him half-way up the cock-pit ladder, crying, “You lousy rascal, is this the
churchyard, or the charnel-house, or the sepulchre, or the golgotha, of the
ship?”—but was stopped in his career by one calling, “Yo he, avast there—
scaldings!” “Scaldings!” answered Morgan; “Cot knows ’tis hot enough indeed:
who are you?” “Here’s one!” replied the voice; and I immediately knew it to be
that of my honest friend Jack Rattlin, who coming towards me, told me, with
great deliberation, he was come to be docked at last, and discovered the remains
of one hand, which had been shattered to pieces with a grape shot. I lamented
with unfeigned sorrow his misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage,
observing, that every shot had its commission: “It was well it did not take him in
the head! or if it had, what then? he should have died bravely, fighting for his
king and country. Death was a debt which every man owed, and must pay; and
that now was as well as another time.” I was much pleased and edified with the
maxims of this sea-philosopher, who endured the amputation of his left hand
without shrinking, the operation being performed (at his request) by me, after
Mackshane, who was with difficulty prevailed to lift his head from the deck, had
declared there was a necessity for his losing the limb.
While I was employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack’s opinion of the
battle, who, shaking his head, frankly told me, he believed we should do no
good: “For why? because, instead of dropping anchor close under shore, where
we should have to deal with one corner of Bocca Chica only, we had opened the
harbour, and exposed ourselves to the whole fire of the enemy from their
shipping and Fort St. Joseph, as well as from the castle we intended to
cannonade; that, besides, we lay at too great a distance to damage the walls, and
three parts in four of our shot did not take place; for there was scarce anybody
on board who understood the pointing of a gun. Ah! God help us!” continued he,
“If your kinsman, Lieutenant Bowling, had been here, we should have had other
guess work.” By this time, our patients had increased to such a number, that we
did not know which to begin with; and the first mate plainly told the surgeon,
that if he did not get up immediately and perform his duty, he would complain of
his behaviour to the admiral, and make application for his warrant. This
remonstrance effectually roused Mackshane, who was never deaf to an argument
in which he thought his interest was concerned; he therefore rose up, and in
order to strengthen his resolution, had recourse more than once to a case-bottle
of rum, which he freely communicated to the chaplain, and purser, who had as
much need of such extraordinary inspiration as himself. Being thus supported, he
went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down without mercy. The fumes of
the liquor mounting into the parson’s brain, conspired, with his former agitation
of spirits, to make him quite delirious; he stripped himself to the skin; and,
besmearing his body with blood, could scarce be withheld from running upon
deck in that condition. Jack Rattlin, scandalised at this deportment, endeavoured
to allay his transports with reason; but finding all he said ineffectual, and great
confusion occasioned by his frolics, he knocked him down with his right hand,
and by threats kept him quiet in that state of humiliation. But it was not in the
power of rum to elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his hands, and
cursing the hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a brewer in
Rochester, to engage in such a life of terror and disquiet.
While we diverted ourselves at the expense of this poor devil, a shot happened
to take us between wind and water, and (its course being through the purser’s
store room) made a terrible havoc and noise among the jars and bottles in its
way, and disconcerted Mackshane so much, that he dropped his scalpel, and
falling down on his knees, pronounced his Pater-noster aloud: the purser fell
backward, and lay without sense or motion; and the chaplain grew so
outrageous, that Rattlin with one hand could not keep him under; so that we
were obliged to confine him in the surgeon’s cabin, where he was no doubt
guilty of a thousand extravagancies. Much about this time, my old antagonist,
Crampley, came down, with express orders, as he said, to bring me up to the
quarter-deck, to dress a slight wound the captain had received by a splinter: his
reason for honouring me in particular with this piece of service, being, that in
case I should be killed or disabled by the way, my death or mutilation would be
of less consequence to the ship’s company than that of the doctor or his first
mate. At another time, perhaps, I might have disputed this order, to which I was
not bound to pay the least regard; but as I thought my reputation depended upon
my compliance, I was resolved to convince my rival that I was no more afraid
than he of exposing myself to danger. With this view I provided myself with
dressings, and followed him immediately to the quarter-deck, through a most
infernal scene of slaughter, fire, smoke, and uproar. Captain Oakum, who leaned
against the mizen-mast, no sooner saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves
tucked up to my armpits, and my hands dyed with blood, than he signified his
displeasure by a frown, and asked why the doctor himself did not come? I told
him that Crampley had singled me out, as if by express command; at which reply
he seemed surprised, and threatened to punish the midshipman for his
presumption, after the engagement. In the meantime, I was sent back to my
station, and ordered to tell Mackshane, that the captain expected him
immediately. I got safe back, and delivered my commission to the doctor, who
flatly refused to quit the post assigned to him by his instructions; whereupon
Morgan, who I believe, was jealous of my reputation for courage, undertook the
affair, and ascended with great intrepidity. The captain, finding the surgeon
obstinate, suffered himself to be dressed, and swore he would confine
Mackshane as soon as the service should be over.
 CHAPTER XXXIII

A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give the assault,
and take the place without opposition—our sailors at the same
time, become masters of all the other strengths near Bocca
Chica, and take possession of the harbour—the good
consequence of this success—we move nearer the town—find
two forts deserted, and the Channel blocked up with sunk
vessels; which however we find means to clear—land our
soldiers at La Quinta—repulse a body of militia—attack the
castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat with great loss—the
remains of our army are re-embarked—an effort of the Admiral
to take the town—the economy of our expedition described

Having cannonaded the fort during the space of four hours, we were all
ordered to slip our cables, and sheer off; but next day the engagement was
renewed, and continued from the morning till the afternoon, when the enemy’s
fire from Bocca Chica slackened, and towards evening was quite silenced. A
breach being made on the other side, by our land battery, large enough to admit a
middle-sized baboon, provided he could find means to climb up to it, our general
proposed to give the assault that very night, and actually ordered a detachment
on that duty. Providence stood our friend upon this occasion, and put it into the
hearts of the Spaniards to abandon the fort, which might have been maintained
by resolute men till the day of judgment against all the force we could exert in
the attack. And while our soldiers took possession of the enemy’s ramparts
without resistance, the same good luck attended a body of sailors, who made
themselves masters of Fort St. Joseph, the fascine batteries, and one Spanish
man-of-war; the other three being burnt or sunk by the foe, that they might not
fall into our hands. The taking of these forts, in the strength of which the
Spaniards chiefly confided, made us masters of the outward harbour, and
occasioned great joy among us, as we laid our accounts at finding little or no
opposition from the town: and indeed, if a few great ships had sailed up
immediately, before they had recovered from the confusion and despair that our
unexpected success had produced among them, it is not impossible that we
might have finished the affair to our satisfaction, without any more bloodshed;
but this step our heroes disdained as a barbarous insult over the enemy’s distress,
and gave them all the respite they could desire, in order to recollect themselves.
In the meantime, Mackshane, taking the advantage of this general exultation,
waited on our captain, and pleaded his own cause so effectually that he was re-
established in his good graces; and as for Crampley, there was no more notice
taken of his behaviour towards me during the action. But of all the consequences
of the victory, none was more grateful than plenty of fresh water, after we had
languished five weeks on the allowance of a purser’s quart per day for each man
in the Torrid Zone, where the sun was vertical, and the expense of bodily fluid so
great, that a gallon of liquor could scarce supply the waste of twenty-four hours;
especially as our provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to which the sailors gave
the name of Irish horse; salt pork, of New England, which, though neither fish
nor flesh, savoured of both; bread from the same country, every biscuit whereof,
like a piece of clockwork, moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the
myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter served out by the gill, that
tasted like train oil thickened with salt. Instead of small beer, each man was
allowed three half-quarterns of brandy or rum, which were distributed every
morning, diluted with a certain quantity of his water, without either sugar or fruit
to render it palatable, for which reason, this composition was by the sailors not
ineptly styled Necessity. Nor was this limitation of simple element owing to a
scarcity of it on board, for there was at this time water enough in the ship for a
voyage of six months, at the rate of half-a-gallon per day to each man: but this
fast must, I suppose, have been enjoined by way of penance on the ship’s
company for their sins; or rather with a view to mortify them into a contempt of
life, that they might thereby become more resolute and regardless of danger.
How simply then do those people argue, who ascribe the great mortality among
us, to our bad provision and want of water; and affirm, that a great many
valuable lives might have been saved, if the useless transports had been
employed in fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refreshments from
Jamaica and other adjacent islands, for the use of the army and fleet! seeing it is
to be hoped, that those who died went to a better place, and those who survived
were the more easily maintained. After all, a sufficient number remained to fall
before the walls of St. Lazar, where they behaved like their own country
mastiffs, which shut their eyes, run into the jaws of a bear, and have their heads
crushed for their valour.
But to return to my narration. After having put garrisons into the forts we had
taken, and re-embarked our soldiers and artillery (a piece of service that detained
us more than a week), we ventured up to the mouth of the inner harbour, guarded
by a large fortification on one side, and a small redoubt on the other, both of
which were deserted before our approach, and the entrance of the harbour
blocked up by several old galleons, and two men-of-war that the enemy had
sunk in the channel. We made shift, however, to open a passage for some ships,
that favoured a second landing of our troops at a place called La Quinta, not far
from the town, where, after a faint resistance from a body of Spaniards, who
opposed their disembarkation, they encamped with a design of besieging the
castle of St. Lazar, which overlooked and commanded the city. Whether our
renowned general had nobody in his army who knew how to approach it in form,
or that he trusted entirely to the fame of his arms, I shall not determine; but,
certain it is, a resolution was taken in a council of war, to attack the place with
musketry only. This was put in execution, and succeeded accordingly; the enemy
giving them such a hearty reception, that the greatest part of their detachment
took up their everlasting residence on the spot.
Our chief, not relishing this kind of complaisance in the Spaniard’s, was wise
enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army, which, from eight
thousand able men landed on the beach near Bocca Chica, was now reduced to
fifteen hundred fit for service. The sick and wounded were squeezed into certain
vessels, which thence obtained the name of hospital ships, though methinks they
scarce deserved such a creditable title, seeing few of them could boast of their
surgeon, nurse, or cook; and the space between decks was so confined that the
miserable patients had not room to sit upright in their beds. Their wounds and
stumps, being neglected, contracted filth and putrefaction, and millions of
maggots were hatched amidst the corruption of their sores. This inhuman
disregard was imputed to the scarcity of surgeons; though it is well known that
every great ship in the fleet could have spared one at least for this duty, an
expedient which would have been more than sufficient to remove this shocking
inconvenience. But perhaps our general was too much of a gentleman to ask a
favour of this kind from his fellow chief, who, on the other hand, would not
derogate so much from his own dignity, as to offer such assistance unasked; for,
I may venture to affirm, that by this time the Demon of Discord, with her sooty
wings, had breathed her influence upon our councils; and it might be said of
these great men (I hope they will pardon the comparison) as of Cesar and
Pompey, the one could not brook a superior, and the other was impatient of an
equal; so that, between the pride of one and insolence of another, the enterprise
miscarried, according to the proverb, “Between two stools the backside falls to
the ground.” Not that I would be thought to liken any public concern to that
opprobrious part of the human body, though I might with truth assert, if I durst
use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation did hang on arse at its disappointment on
this occasion; neither would I presume to compare the capacity of our heroic
leaders to any such wooden convenience as a joint-stool or a close-stool; but
only to signify by this simile, the mistake the people committed in trusting to the
union of two instruments that were never joined.
A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one of the
Spanish men-of-war we had taken to be mounted with sixteen guns, and manned
with detachments from our great ships, in order to batter the town; accordingly,
she was towed into the inner harbour in the night, and moored within half a mile
of the walls, against which she began to fire at daybreak; and continued about six
hours exposed to the opposition of at least thirty pieces of cannon, which at
length obliged our men to set her on fire, and get off as well as they could in
their boats. This piece of conduct afforded matter of speculation to all the wits,
either in the army or navy, who were at last fain to acknowledge it a stroke of
policy above their comprehension. Some entertained such an irreverent opinion
of the admiral’s understanding, as to think he expected the town would surrender
to his floating battery of sixteen guns: others imagined his sole intention was to
try the enemy’s strength, by which he should be able to compute the number of
great ships that would be necessary to force the town to a capitulation. But this
last conjecture soon appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of any kind
whatever were afterwards employed on that service. A third sort swore, that no
other cause could be assigned for this undertaking than that which induced Don
Quixote to attack the windmill. A fourth class (and that the most numerous,
though, without doubt, composed of the sanguine and malicious), plainly taxed
this commander with want of honesty as well as sense; and alleged that he ought
to have sacrificed private pique to the interest of his country; that, where the
lives of so many brave fellow-citizens were concerned, he ought to have
concurred with the general without being solicited or even desired, towards their
preservation and advantage, that, if his arguments could not dissuade him from a
desperate enterprise, it was his duty to have rendered it as practicable as
possible, without running extreme hazard; that this could have been done, with a
good prospect of success, by ordering five or six large ships to batter the town,
while the land forces stormed the castle; by these means a considerable diversion
would have been made in favour of those troops, who, in their march to the
assault and in the retreat, suffered much more from the town than from the
castle! that the inhabitants, seeing themselves vigorously attacked on all hands,
would have been divided, distracted, and confused, and in all probability, unable
to resist the assailants. But all these suggestions surely proceeded from
ignorance or malevolence, or else the admiral would not have found it such an
easy matter, at his return to England, to justify his conduct to a ministry at once
so upright and discerning. True it is, that those who undertook to vindicate him
on the spot, asserted, that there was not water enough for our great ships near the
town: though this was a little unfortunately urged, because there happened to be
pilots in the fleet perfectly well acquainted with the soundings of the harbour,
who affirmed there was water enough for five eighty-gun ships to lie abreast
almost up to the very walls. The disappointments we suffered occasioned a
universal dejection, which was not at all alleviated by the objects that daily and
hourly entertained our eyes, nor by the prospect of what must have inevitably
happened, had we remained much longer in this place. Such was the economy in
some ships that, rather than be at the trouble of interring the dead, their
commanders ordered their men to throw their bodies overboard, many without
either ballast or winding-sheet; so that numbers of human carcases floated in the
harbour, until they were devoured by sharks and carrion crows, which afforded
no agreeable spectacle to those who survived. At the same time the wet season
began, during which a deluge of rain falls, from the rising to the setting sun,
without intermission, and that no sooner ceases than it begins to thunder, and
lighten with such continued flashing, that one can see to read a very small print
by the illumination.
 CHAPTER XXXIV

An epidemic Fever rages among us—we abandon our Conquests

—I am seized with Distemper—write a Petition to the Captain,
which is rejected—I am in danger of Suffocation through the
Malice of Crampley, and relieved by a Serjeant—my Fever
increases—the Chaplain wants to confess me—I obtain a
favourable Crisis—Morgan’s Affection for me proved—the
Behaviour of Mackshane and Crampley towards me—Captain
Oakum is removed into another Ship with his beloved Doctor—
our new Captain described—An Adventure of Morgan

The change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phenomenon, conspired,

with the stench that surrounded us, the heat of the climate, our own
constitutions, impoverished by bad provisions, and our despair, to introduce the
bilious fever among us, which raged with such violence, that three-fourths of
those whom it invaded died in a deplorable manner; the colour of their skin
being, by the extreme putrefaction of the juices, changed into that of soot.
Our conductors, finding things in this situation, perceived it was high to
relinquish our conquests, and this we did, after having rendered their artillery
useless, and blown up their walls with gunpowder. Just as we sailed from Bocca
Chica, on our return to Jamaica, I found myself threatened with the symptoms of
this terrible distemper; and knowing very well that I stood no chance for my life,
if I should be obliged to be in the cockpit, which by this time was grown
intolerable, even to people in health, by reason of the heat and unwholesome
smell of decayed provision, I wrote a petition to the captain, representing my
case, and humbly imploring his permission to be among the soldiers in the
middle deck, for the benefit of the air: but I might have spared myself the
trouble; for this humane commander refused my request, and ordered me to
continue in the place allotted for the surgeon’s mates, or else be contented to be
in the hospital, which, by the by, was three degrees more offensive and more
suffocating than our own berth below. Another, in my condition, perhaps, would
have submitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I could not brook the thought of
perishing so pitifully, after I had weathered so many gales of hard fortune: I
therefore, without minding Oakum’s injunction, prevailed upon the soldiers
(whose good-will I had acquired) to admit my hammock among them; and
actually congratulated myself upon my comfortable situation; which Crampley
no sooner understood, than he signified to the captain my contempt of his orders,
and was invested with power to turn me down again into my proper habitation.
This barbarous piece of revenge incensed me so much against the author, that
I vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a severe account, if ever it
should be in my power; and the agitation of my spirits increased my fever to a
violent degree. While I lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, I was visited
by a sergeant, the bones of whose nose I had reduced and set to rights, after they
had been demolished by a splinter during our last engagement; he, being
informed of my condition, offered me the use of his berth in the middle deck,
which was enclosed with canvas, and well aired by a port-hole that remained
open within it. I embraced this proposal with joy, and was immediately
conducted to the place, where I was treated, while my illness lasted, with the
utmost tenderness and care by this grateful halberdier, who had no other bed for
himself than a hencoop during the whole passage. Here I lay and enjoyed the
breeze, notwithstanding which my malady gained ground, and at length my life
was despaired of, though I never lost hopes of recovery, even when I had the
mortification to see, from my cabin-window, six or seven thrown overboard
every day, who died of the same distemper. This confidence, I am persuaded,
conduced a great deal to the preservation of my life, especially when joined to
another resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse all medicine, which
I could not help thinking co-operated with the disease, and, instead of resisting
putrefaction, promoted a total degeneracy of the vital fluid. When my friend
Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphoretic bolases, I put them into my mouth,
’tis true, but without any intention of swallowing them: and, when he went away,
spit them out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel. I seemingly complied in
this matter, that I might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by a refusal which
might have intimated a diffidence of his physical capacity, for he acted as my
physician; Doctor Mackshane never once inquiring about me, or even knowing
where I was. When my distemper was at the height, Morgan thought my case
desperate, and, after having applied a blister to the nape of my neck, squeezed
my hand, bidding me, with a woful countenance, recommend myself to Cot and
my Reteemer; then, taking his leave, desired the chaplain to come and
administer some spiritual consolation to me; but, before he arrived, I made shift
to rid myself of the troublesome application the Welshman had bestowed on my
back. The person, having felt my pulse, inquired into the nature of my
complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus: “Mr. Random, God out of his
infinite mercy has been pleased to visit you with a dreadful distemper, the issue
of which no man knows. You may be permitted to recover and live many days on
the face of the earth; and, which is more probable, you may be taken away, and
cut off in the flower of your youth. It is incumbent on you, therefore, to prepare
for the great change, by repenting sincerely of your sins; of this there cannot be a
greater sign, than an ingenuous confession, which I conjure you to make without
hesitation or mental reservation; and, when I am convinced of your sincerity, I
will then give you such comfort as the situation of your soul will admit of.
Without doubt, you have been guilty of numberless transgressions to which
youth is subject, as swearing, drunkenness, whoredom, and adultery: tell me
therefore, without reserve, the particulars of each, especially of the last, that I
may be acquainted with the true state of your conscience; for no physician will
prescribe for his patient until he knows the circumstances of his disease.”
As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help smiling at the
chaplain’s inquisitive remonstrance, which I told him savoured more of the
Roman than of the Protestant church, in recommending auricular confession; a
thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to salvation, and which, for that reason,
I declined. This reply disconcerted him a little; however, he explained away his
meaning, in making learned distinctions between what was absolutely necessary
and what was only convenient; then proceeded to ask what religion I professed. I
answered, that I had not as yet considered the difference of religions,
consequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but that I was bred a
Presbyterian. At this word the chaplain expressed great astonishment, and said,
he could not comprehend how a presbyterian was entitled to any post under the
English government. Then he asked if I had ever received the sacrament, or
taken the oaths; to which questions, I replying in the negative, he held up his
hands, assured me he could do me no service, wished I might not be in a state of
reprobation, and returned to his messmates, who were making merry in the
ward-room, round a table well stored with bumbo(2) and wine.
(2)bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmeg

This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me as the
fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outrageous. I began to see strange
chimeras and concluded myself upon the point of being delirious; in the
meantime, being in great danger of suffocation, I started up in a kind of frantic
fit, with an intention to plunge myself into the sea; and, as my friend the sergeant
was not present, would certainly have cooled myself to some purpose, had I not
perceived a moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get out of my
hammock: the appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had reflection and
resolution enough to take the advantage of this favourable symptom, by tearing
the shirt from my body, and the sheets from my bed, and wrapping myself in a
thick blanket, in which inclosure, for about a quarter of an hour, felt all the pains
of hell: but it was not long before I was recompensed for my suffering by a
profuse sweat, that, bursting from the whole surface of my skin, in less than two
hours, relieved me from all my complaints except that of weakness; and left me
as hungry as a kite. I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I was regaling
myself with the agreeable reverie of future happiness, when I heard Morgan, on
the outside of the curtain, ask the sergeant if I was alive still? “Alive!” cried the
other, “God forbid he should be otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours, and
I do not choose to disturb him, for sleep will do him great service.” “Ay,” said
my fellow-mate, “he sleeps so sound (look you), that he will not waken till the
great trump plows—Cot be merciful to his soul. He has paid his debt like an
honest man—ay, and moreover, he is at rest from all persecutions, and troubles,
and afflictions, of which, Cot knows, and I know, he had his own share—
Ochree! Ochree! he was a promising youth indeed!” So saying he groaned
grievously, and began to whine in such a manner, as persuaded me he had a real
friendship for me. The sergeant, alarmed at his words, came into the berth, and,
while he looked upon me, I smiled, and tipped him the wink: he immediately
guessed my meaning and remaining silent, Morgan was confirmed in his opinion
of my being dead; whereupon he approached, with tears in his eyes, in order to
indulge his grief with a sight of the object: and I counterfeited death so well, by
fixing my eyes and dropping my under-jaw, that he said, “There he lies, no petter
than a lump of clay, Cot help me!” and observed, by the distortion of my face,
that I must have had a strong struggle.
I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he began to
perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes and my mouth, upon which
I suddenly snapped at his fingers and discomposed him so much that he started
back, turned pale as ashes, and stared like the picture of horror; although I could
not help laughing at his appearance, I was concerned for his situation, and
stretched out my hand, telling him I hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of
his making in England. It was some time before he could recollect himself so far
as to feel my pulse, and inquire into the particulars of my disease; but when he
found I had enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated me upon my good
fortune; not failing to ascribe it, under Cot, to the blister he had applied to my
back, at his last visit; which, by the bye, said he, must now be removed and
dressed; he was actually going to fetch dressings, when I, feigning astonishment,
said, “Bless me! sure you never applied a blister to me—there is nothing on my
back, I assure you.” But he could not be convinced till he had examined it, and
then endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprise in finding
the skin untouched and the plaster missing. In order to excuse myself for paying
so little regard to his prescription, I pretended to have been insensible when it
was put on, and to have pulled it off afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology
satisfied my friend, who, on this occasion, abated a good deal of his stiffness in
regard to punctilio; and as we were now safely arrived at Jamaica, where I had
the benefit of fresh provisions and other refreshments, I recovered strength every
day, and, in a short time, my health and vigour were perfectly re-established.
When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck with a staff in
my hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed by me with a disdainful look,
and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word. After him came Crampley,
who, strutting up to me with a fierce countenance, pronounced, “Here’s fine
discipline on-board, when such lazy, skulking sons of bitches as you are allowed,
on pretence of sickness, to lollop at your ease, while your betters are kept to hard
duty!” The sight and behaviour of this malicious scoundrel enraged me so much
that I could scarce refrain from laying my cudgel across his pate; but when I
considered my present feebleness, and the enemies I had in the ship, who wanted
only a pretence to ruin me, I restrained my passion, and contented myself with
telling him, I had not forgot his insolence and malice, and that I hoped we should
meet one day on shore. At this declaration he grinned, shook his fist, and swore
he longed for nothing more than such an opportunity. Meanwhile our ship was
ordered to be heaved down, victualled, and watered, for her return to England;
and our captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it convenient for him to
revisit his native country at this time, exchanged with a gentleman, who, on the
other hand, wished for nothing so much as to be safe without the tropic: all his
care and tenderness of himself being insufficient to preserve his complexion
from the injuries of the sun and weather.
Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane along
with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction, our new commander came on board
in a ten-oared barge, overshadowed with a vast umbrella, and appeared in
everything the reverse of Oakum, being a tall, thin young man, dressed in this
manner: a white hat, garnished with a red feather, adorned his head, from
whence his hair flowed upon his shoulders, in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon.
His coat, consisting of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by the elegance of
the cut retired backward, as it were, to discover a white satin waistcoat
embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part to display a brooch set with
garnets, that glittered in the breast of his shirt, which was of the finest cambric,
edged with right Mechlin: the knees of his crimson velvet breeches scarce
descended so low as to meet his silk stockings, which rose without spot or
wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond
buckles that flamed forth rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with gold,
and decked with a knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his
side; and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wrist. But the most
remarkable parts of his furniture were, a mask on his face, and white gloves on
his hands, which did not seem to be put on with an intention to be pulled off
occasionally, but were fixed with a curious ring on the little finger of each hand.
In this garb, Captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took possession of the
ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in their different
degrees, seemed to be of their patron’s disposition; and the air was so
impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture to affirm the climate of Arabia
Felix was not half so sweet-scented. My fellow-mate, observing no surgeon
among his train, thought he had found an occasion too favourable for himself to
be neglected; and, remembering the old proverb, “Spare to speak, and spare to
speed,” resolved to solicit the new captain’s interest immediately, before any
other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. With this view he repaired to the
cabin in his ordinary dress, consisting of a check shirt and trousers, a brown
linen waistcoat, and a nightcap of the same (neither of them very clean,) which,
for his further misfortune, happened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering without
any ceremony into this sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle reposing upon a
couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a muslin cap bordered
with lace about his head; and after several low congees began in this manner:
“Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon, the presumption of one
who has not the honour of being known to you, but who is, nevertheless a
shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had misfortunes, Cot help me, in
the world.”
Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had started up
with great amazement, at the novelty of the apparition; and, having recollected
himself, pronounced with a look and tone signifying disdain, curiosity and
surprise, “Zauns! who art thou?” “I am surgeon’s first mate on board of this
ship,” replied Morgan: “and I most vehemently desire and beseech you, with all
submission, to be pleased to condescend and vouchsafe to inquire into my
character, and my pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under Cot, I hope, will
entitle me to the vacancy of surgeon.” As he proceeded in his speech, he
continued advancing towards the captain, whose nostrils were no sooner saluted
with the aromatic flavour that exhaled from him, than he cried with great
emotion, “Heaven preserve me! I am suffocated! Fellow, fellow, away with thee!
Curse thee, fellow! Get thee gone! I shall be stunk to death!” At the noise of his
outcries, his servants ran into his apartment, and he accosted them thus:
“Villains! cut-throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I am sacrificed! Will you not carry
that monster away? or must I be stifled with the stench of him? oh, oh!” With
these interjections he sank down upon his settee in a fit: his valet-de-chambre
plied him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chafed his temples with Hungary
water, another sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender, a third pushed Morgan
out of the cabin; who coming to the place where I was, sat down with a demure
countenance and, according to his custom, when he received any indignity which
he durst not revenge, began to sing a Welsh ditty.
I guessed he was under some agitation of spirits and desired to know the
cause; but, instead of answering me directly, he asked with great emotion, if I
thought him a monster and a stinkard? “A monster and a stinkard!” said I, with
some surprise: “did anybody call you so?” “Cot is my judge,” replied be,
“Captain Fifle did call me both; ay, and all the waters in the Tawy will not wash
it out of my remembrance. I do affirm and avouch, and maintain, with my soul,
and my pody, and my plood, look you, that I have no smells apout me, but such
as a Christian ought to have, except the effluvia of tobacco, which is a cephalic,
odoriferous, aromatic herb; and he is a son of a mountain goat who says
otherwise. As for my being a minister, let that be as it is: I am as Cot was pleased
to create me, which, peradventure, is more than I shall ever aver of him who
gave me that title; for I will proclaim it before the world, that he is disguised,
and transfigured, and transmogrified, with affectation and whimseys; and that he
is more like a papoon than of the human race.”
 CHAPTER XXXV
Captain Whiffle sends for me—his situation described—his
surgeon arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to bed—a bed
is put up for Mr. Simper contiguous to the state room, which,
with other parts of the captains behaviour, gives the ship’s
company a very unfavourable idea of their commander—I am
detained in the West Indies by the admiral, and go on board of
the Lizard sloop of war in quality of surgeon’s mate, where I
make myself known to the surgeon, who treats me very kindly—
I go on shore, sell my ticket, purchase necessaries, and, at my
return on board, am surprised at the sight of Crampley, who is
appointed lieutenant of the sloop—we sail on a cruise—take a
prize in which I arrive at Port Morant under the command of my
messmate, with whom I live in great harmony

He was going on with an eulogium upon the captain, when I received a

message to clean myself, and go up to the great cabin: and with this command I
instantly complied, sweetening myself with rosewater from the medicine chest.
When I entered the room, I was ordered to stand by the door, until Captain
Whiffle had reconnoitered me at a distance with a spy-glass. He, having
consulted one sense in this manner, bade me advance gradually, that his nose
might have intelligence before it could be much offended: I therefore
approached with great caution and success, and he was pleased to say, “Ay, this
creature is tolerable.” I found him lolling on his couch with a languishing air, his
head supported by his valet-de-chambre, who from time to time applied a
smelling-bottle to his nose. “Vergette,” said he in a squeaking tone, “dost think
this wretch (meaning me) will do me no injury? May I venture to submit my arm
to him?” “Pon my word,” replied the valet, “I do tink dat dere be great occasion
for your honour losing a small quantite of blodt; and the young man ave quelque
chose of de bonne mine.” “Well, then,” said his master, “I think I must venture.”
Then, addressing himself to me, “Hast thou ever blooded anybody but brutes?
But I need not ask thee, for thou wilt tell me a most d—able lie,” “Brutes, sir!”
answered I, pulling down his glove, in order to feel his pulse, “I never meddle
with brutes.” “What the devil art thou about?” cried he, “dost thou intend to
twist off my hand? Gad’s curse! my arm is benumbed up to the very shoulder!
Heaven have mercy upon me! must I perish under the hands of savages? What
an unfortunate dog was I to come on board without my own surgeon, Mr.
Simper.” I craved pardon for having handled him so roughly, and, with the
utmost care, and tenderness, tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While I was
feeling for the vein, he desired to know how much blood I intended to take from
him, and, when I answered, “not above twelve ounces,” started up with a look
full of horror, and bade me be gone, swearing I had a design upon his life.
Vergette appeased him with difficulty, and, opening a bureau, took out a pair of
scales, in one of which was placed a small cup; and putting them into my hand,
told me, the captain never lost above an ounce and three drams at one time.
While I prepared for this important evacuation, there came into the cabin a
young man gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion with a kind of languid
smile on his face: which seemed to have been rendered habitual by a long course
of affectation. The captain no sooner perceived him, than, rising hastily, he flew
into his arms, crying, “O, my dear Simper, I am excessively disordered! I have
been betrayed, frighted, murdered, by the negligence of my servants, who
suffered a beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and stink me into convulsions
with the fumes of tobacco.” Simper, who by this time, I found, was obliged to
act for the clearness of his complexion, assumed an air of softness and sympathy,
and lamented with many tender expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that had
thrown him into that condition; then, feeling his patient’s pulse on the outside of
his glove, gave it as his opinion, that his disorder was entirely nervous, and that
some drops of tincture of castor, and liquid laudanum, would be of more service
to him than bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his spirits, and
composing the fermentation of his bile. I was therefore sent to prepare this
prescription, which was administered in a glass of sack posset, after the captain
had been put to bed, and orders sent to the officers on the quarter-deck, to let
nobody walk on that side under which he lay.
 While the captain enjoyed his repose the doctor watched over him, and indeed
became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him contiguous to the state room
where Whiffle slept, that he might be at hand in case of accidents in the night.
Next day, our commander being happily recovered, gave orders that none of the
lieutenants should appear upon deck without a wig, sword, and ruffles; nor any
midshipman, or other petty officer, be seen with a check shirt or dirty linen. He
also prohibited any person whatever, except Simper and his own servants, from
coming into the great cabin without first sending in to obtain leave. These
singular regulations did not prepossess the ship’s company in his favour: but, on
the contrary, gave scandal an opportunity to be very busy with his character, and
accuse him of maintaining a correspondence with his surgeon not fit to be
named.
In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing orders, I was in hope of revisiting
my native country, in a very short time, when the admiral’s surgeon came on
board, and, sending for Morgan and me to the quarter-deck, gave us to
understand there was a great scarcity of surgeons in the West Indies; that he was
commanded to detain one mate out of every great ship that was bound for
England; and desired us to agree between ourselves, before the next day at that
hour, which of us should stay behind. We were thunderstruck at this proposal,
and stared at one another some time without speaking; at length the Welshman
broke silence, and offered to remain in the West Indies, provided the admiral
would give him a surgeon’s warrant immediately; but he was told there was no
want of chief surgeons, and that he must be contented with the station of mate,
till he should be further provided for in due course. Whereupon Morgan flatly
refused to quit the ship for which the commissioners of the navy had appointed
him; and the other told him as plainly, that if we could not determine the affair
by ourselves before to-morrow morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his
chance.
When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone in England,
where I had not one friend to promote my interest, or favour my advancement in
the navy, and the same time reflected on the present dearth of surgeons in the
West Indies, and the unhealthiness of the climate, which every day almost
reduced the number, I could not help thinking my success would be much more
certain and expeditious by my staying where I was, than by returning to Europe.
I therefore resolved to comply with a good grace, and next day, when we were
ordered to throw dice, told Morgan he needed not trouble himself, for I would
voluntarily submit to the admiral’s pleasure. This frank declaration was
commended by the gentleman, who assured me, it should not fare the worse with
me for my resignation. Indeed he was as good as his word, and that very
afternoon procured a warrant, appointing me surgeon’s mate of the Lizard sloop-
of-war, which put me on a footing with every first mate in the service.
My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a canoe that
lay alongside, and, having shook hands with my trusty friend the sergeant, and
honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for Greenwich Hospital, I took my leave of
Morgan with many tears, after we had exchanged our sleeve buttons as
remembrances of each other. Having presented my new warrant to the captain of
the Lizard, I inquired for the doctor, whom I no sooner saw than I recollected
him to be one of those young fellows with whom I had been committed to the
round-house, during our frolic with Jackson, as I have related before. He
received me with a good deal of courtesy, and, when I put him in mind of our
former acquaintance, expressed great joy at seeing me again, and recommended
me to an exceeding good mess, composed of the gunner and master’s mate. As
there was not one sick person in the ship, I got leave to go ashore next day with
the gunner, who recommended me to a Jew, that bought my ticket at the rate of
forty per cent discount; and, having furnished myself with the necessaries I
wanted, returned on board in the evening, and, to my surprise, found my old
antagonist Crampley walking upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, I was
shocked at his appearance, and communicated my sentiments on that subject to
Mr. Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that Crampley, by dint of some friends
about the admiral, had procured a commission, constituting him lieutenant on
board the Lizard; and advised me, now he was my superior officer, to behave
with some respect towards him, or else he would find a thousand opportunities
of using me ill. This advice was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and
resentment had rendered utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even of a
reconciliation with, the wretch who had, on many occasions, treated me so
inhumanly: however, I resolved to have as little connection as possible with him,
and to ingratiate myself as much as I could with the rest of the officers, whose
friendship might be a bulwark to defend me from the attempts of his malice.
 In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, and having weathered the east end
of the island, had the good fortune to take a Spanish barcolongo, with her prize,
which was an English ship bound for Bristol, that sailed from Jamaica a
fortnight before, without convoy. All the prisoners who were well, we put
onshore on the north side of the island; the prizes were manned with
Englishmen, and the command of the barcolongo given to my friend the master’s
mate, with orders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to remain until the
Lizard’s cruise should be ended, at which time she would touch at the same
place in her way to Port Royal. With him I was sent to attend the wounded
Spaniards as well as Englishmen, who amounted to sixteen, and to take care of
them on shore in a house that was to be hired as an hospital. This destination
gave me a great deal of pleasure, as I should, for some time, be freed from the
arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy against me had already broken out on
two or three occasions since he was become a lieutenant. My messmate, who
very much resembled my uncle, both in figure and disposition, treated me on
board of the prize with the utmost civility and confidence: and, among other
favours, made me a present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols
mounted with the same metal, which fell to his share in plundering the enemy.
We arrived safely at Morant, and, going on shore, pitched upon an empty
storehouse; which we hired for the reception of the wounded, who were brought
to it next day, with beds and other necessaries; and four of the ship’s company
appointed to attend them and obey me.
 CHAPTER XXXVI

A strange adventure—in consequence of which I am extremely

happy—Crampley does me in offices with the Captain; but his
malice is defeated by the good-nature and friendship of the
surgeon—we return to Port Royal—our Captain gets the
command of a larger ship, and is succeeded by an old man—
Brayl is provided for—we receive orders to sail for England

When my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and commander,

whose name was Brayl, carried me up the country to the house of a rich planter,
with whom he was acquainted, where we were sumptuously entertained, and in
the evening set out on our return to the ship. When we had walked about a mile
by moonlight, we perceived a horseman behind us, who coming up, wished us
good even, and asked which way we went? His voice, which was quite familiar
to me, no sooner struck my ear, than in spite of all my resolution and reflection,
my hair bristled up, and I was seized with a violent fit of trembling, which Brayl
misinterpreting, bade me be under no concern. I told him he was mistaken in the
cause of my disorder; and, addressing myself to the person on horseback said, “I
could have sworn by your voice, that you were a dear friend of mine, if I had not
been certain of his death.” To this address, after some pause, he replied, “There
are many voices as well as faces that resemble one another; but, pray, what was
your friend’s name.” I satisfied him in that particular, and gave a short detail of
the melancholy fate of Thompson, not without many sighs and some tears. A
silence ensued, which lasted some minutes, and then the conversation turned on
different subjects, till we arrived at a house on the road, where the horseman
alighted, and begged with so much earnestness that we would go in and drink a
bowl of punch with him, that we could not resist. But, if I was alarmed at his
voice, what must my amazement be, when I discovered by the light the very
person of my lamented friend! Perceiving my confusion, which was extreme, he
clasped me in his arms, and bedewed my face with tears. It was some time ere I
recovered the use of my reason, overpowered with this event, and longer still
before I could speak. So that all I was capable of was to return his embraces, and
to mingle the overflowings of my joy with his; whilst honest Brayl, affected with
the scene, wept as fast as either of us, and signified his participation of our
happiness by hugging us both, and capering about the room like a madman. At
length, I retrieved the use of my tongue, and cried, “Is it possible! you can be my
friend Thompson? No certainly, alas! he was drowned; and I am now under the
deception of a dream!” He was at great pains to convince me of his being the
individual person whom I regretted, and bidding me sit down and compose
myself, promised to explain his sudden disappearance from the Thunder, and to
account for his being at present in the land of the living. This task he acquitted
himself of, after I had drunk a glass of punch, and recollected my spirits, by
informing us, that with a determination to rid himself of a miserable existence,
he had gone in the night-time to the head, while the ship was on her way, from
whence he slipped down as softly as he could, by the bows into the sea, where,
after he was heartily ducked, he began to repent of his precipitation; and, as he
could swim very well, kept himself above water, in hopes of being taken up by
some of the ships astern; that, in this situation, he hailed a large vessel, and
begged to be taken in, but was answered that she was a heavy sailer, and
therefore they did not choose to lose time by bringing to; however, they threw an
old chest overboard for his convenience, and told him, that some of the ships
astern would certainly save him; that no other vessel came within sight or cry of
him for the space of three hours, during which time he had the mortification to
find himself in the middle of the ocean alone, without other support or resting-
place, but what a few crazy boards afforded; till at last he discerned a small
sloop steering towards him, upon which he set up his throat, and had the good
fortune to be heard and rescued from the dreary waste by their boat, which was
hoisted out on purpose.
“I was no sooner brought on board,” continued he, “than I fainted, and, when I
recovered my senses, found myself in bed, regaled with a most noisome smell of
onions and cheese, which made me think at first that I was in my own hammock,
alongside of honest Morgan, and that all which had passed was no more than a
dream. Upon inquiry, I understood that I was on board of a schooner belonging
to Rhode Island, bound for Jamaica, with a cargo of geese, pigs, onions, and
cheese, and that the master’s name was Robertson, by birth a North Briton,
whom I knew at first sight to be an old school-fellow of mine. When I
discovered myself to him, he was transported with surprise and joy, and begged
to know the occasion of my misfortune, which I did not think fit to disclose,
because I knew his notions with regard to religion were very severe and
confined; therefore contented myself with telling him I fell overboard by
accident; but made no scruple of explaining the nature of my disagreeable
station, and of acquainting him with my determined purpose never to return to
the Thunder man-of-war. Although he was not of my opinion in that particular,
knowing that I must lose my clothes and what pay was due to me, unless I went
back to my duty; yet, when I described the circumstances of the hellish life I led
under the tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; and, among other
grievances, hinted a dissatisfaction at the irreligious deportment of my
shipmates, and the want of the true presbyterian gospel doctrine; he changed his
sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence and zeal to lay aside all
thought of rising in the navy; and, that he might show how much he had my
interest at heart, undertook to provide for me in some shape or other, before he
should leave Jamaica. This promise he performed to my heart’s desire, by
recommending me to a gentleman of fortune, with whom I have lived ever since
in quality of surgeon and overseer to his plantations. He and his lady are now at
Kingston, so that I am, for the present, master of this house, to which, from my
soul, I bid you welcome, and hope you will favour me with your company
during the remaining part of the night.”
I needed not a second invitation; but Mr. Brayl, who was a diligent and
excellent officer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of the ship; however, he
supped with us, and, after having drank a cheerful glass, set out for the vessel,
which was not above three miles from the place, escorted by a couple of stout
negroes, whom Mr. Thompson ordered to conduct him. Never were two friends
more happy in the conversation of each other than we, for the time it lasted. I
related to him the particulars of our attempt upon Carthagena, of which he had
heard but an imperfect account; and he gratified me with a narration of every
little incident of his life since we parted. He assured me, it was with the utmost
difficulty he could resist his inclination of coming down to Port Royal, to see
Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no tidings since the day of our
separation: but that he was restrained by the fear of being detained as a deserter.
He told me that, when he heard my voice in the dark, he was almost as much
surprised as I was at seeing him afterwards: and, in the confidence of friendship,
disclosed a passion he entertained for the only daughter of the gentleman with
whom he lived, who, by his description, was a very amiable young lady, and did
not disdain his addresses; that he was very much favoured by her parents; and
did not despair of obtaining their consent to the match, which would at once
render him independent of the world. I congratulated him on his good fortune,
which he protested should never make him forget his friends; and, towards
morning, we betook ourselves to rest.
Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where Mr. Brayl entertained him at
dinner, and we having spent the afternoon together, he took his leave of us in the
evening, after he had forced upon me ten pistoles, as a small token of his
affection. In short, while he stayed here, we saw one another every day, and
generally ate at the same table, which was plentifully supplied by him with all
kinds of poultry, butcher’s meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pine-apples, Madeira
wine, and excellent rum; so that this small interval of ten days was by far the
most agreeable period of my life.
At length the Lizard arrived; and my patients being all fit for duty, they and I
were ordered on board of her, where I understood from Mr. Tomlins that there
was a shyness between the lieutenant and him on my account; the rancorous
villain having taken the opportunity of my absence to fill the captain’s ears with
a thousand scandalous stories to my prejudice; among other things affirming,
that I had been once transported for theft, and that when I was in the Thunder
man-of-war, I had been whipped for the same crime. The surgeon, on the other
hand, having heard my whole story from my own mouth, defended me
strenuously, and in the course of that good-natured office recounted all the
instances of Crampley’s malice against me while I remained on board of that
ship; which declaration, while it satisfied the captain of my innocence, made the
lieutenant as much my defender’s enemy as mine. The infernal behaviour of
Crampley, with regard to me, added such fuel to his former resentment, that, at
certain times, I was quite beside myself with the desire of revenge, and was even
tempted to pistol him on the quarter-deck, though an infamous death must
inevitably have been my reward. But the surgeon, who was my confidant, argued
against such a desperate action so effectually, that I stifled the flame which
consumed me for the present, and resolved to wait for a more convenient
opportunity. In the meantime, that Mr. Tomlins might be the more convinced of
the wrongs I suffered by this fellow’s slander, I begged he would go and visit
Mr. Thompson, whose wonderful escape I had made him acquainted with, and
inquire of him into the particulars of my conduct, while he was my fellow-mate.
This request the surgeon complied with, more through curiosity to see a
person whose fate had been so extraordinary, than to confirm his good opinion of
me, which he assured me was already firmly established. He therefore set out for
the dwelling-place of my friend, with a letter of introduction from me; and being
received with all the civility and kindness I expected, returned to the ship, not
only satisfied with my character beyond the power of doubt or insinuation, but
also charmed with the affability and conversation of Thompson, who loaded him
and me with presents of fresh stock, liquors, and fruit. As he would not venture
to come and see us on board, lest Cramplay should know and detain him; when
the time of our departure approached, I obtained leave to go and bid him
farewell. After we had vowed an everlasting friendship, he pressed upon me a
purse, with four doubloons, which I refused as long as I could without giving
umbrage; and, having cordially embraced each other, I returned on board, where
I found a small box, with a letter directed for me, to the care of Mr. Tomlins.
Knowing the superscription to be of Thompson’s handwriting, I opened it with
some surprise, and learned that this generous friend, not content with loading me
with the presents already mentioned, had sent, for my use and acceptance, half a
dozen fine shirts, and as many linen waistcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new
thread stockings. Being thus provided with money and all necessaries for the
comfort of life, I began to look upon myself as a gentleman of some
consequence, and felt my pride dilate a pace.
Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where we arrived safely with our prizes;
and, as there was nothing to do on board, I went ashore, and having purchased a
laced waistcoat, with some other clothes, at a sale, made a swaggering figure for
some days among the taverns, where I ventured to play a little at hazard, and
came off with fifty pistoles in my pocket. Meanwhile our captain was promoted
to a ship of twenty guns, and the command of the Lizard given to a man turned
of fourscore, who had been lieutenant since the reign of King William, and,
notwithstanding his long service, would have probably died in that station, had
he not applied some prize-money he had lately received, to make interest with
his superiors. My friend Brayl was also made an officer about the same time,
after he had served in quality of a midshipman and mate for five and twenty
years. Soon after these alterations, the admiral pitched upon our ship to carry
home dispatches for the ministry; and we set sail for England, having first
scrubbed her bottom, and taken in provision and water for the occasion.
 CHAPTER XXXVII

We depart for Europe—a misunderstanding arises between the

Captain and the Surgeon, through the scandalous aspersions of
Crampley—the Captain dies—Crampley tyrannises over the
surgeon, who falls a Victim for his Cruelty—I am also ill-used
—the Ship strikes—the behaviour of Crampley and the Seamen
on that occasion—-I get on shore, challenge the Captain to
single combat—am treacherously knocked down, wounded, and
robbed

Now that I could return to my native country in a creditable way, I felt

excessive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of that fatal island, which has
been the grave of so many Europeans: and, as I was accommodated with
everything to make the passage agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself as much as
the insolence of Crampley would permit. This insidious slanderer had found
means already to cause a misunderstanding between the surgeon and captain,
who, by his age and infirmities, was rendered intolerably peevish, his disposition
having also been soured by a long course of disappointments. He had a
particular aversion to all young men, especially to surgeons, whom he
considered unnecessary animals on board of a ship; and, in consequence of these
sentiments, never consulted the doctor, notwithstanding his being seized with a
violent fit of the gout and gravel, but applied to a cask of Holland gin, which was
his sovereign prescription against all distempers: whether he was at this time too
sparing, or took an overdose of his cordial, certain it is, he departed in the night,
without any ceremony, which indeed was a thing he always despised, and was
found stiff next morning, to the no small satisfaction of Crampley, who
succeeded to the command of the vessel. For that very reason, Mr. Tomlins and I
had no cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny of our new
commander would now be as unlimited as his power. The first day of his
command justified our apprehensions: for, on pretence that the decks were too
much crowded, he ordered the surgeon’s hencoops, with all his fowls, to be
thrown overboard; and at the same time prohibited him and me from walking on
the quarter-deck.
Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of these injuries, and in the course of
his expostulation dropped some hasty words, of which Crampley taking hold,
confined him to his cabin, where, in a few days, for want of air he was attacked
by a fever, which soon put an end to his life, after he had made his will, by
which he bequeathed all his estate, personal and real, to his sister, and left to me
his watch and instruments as memorials of his friendship. I was penetrated with
grief on this melancholy occasion; the more because there was nobody on board
to whom I could communicate my sorrows, or of whom I could receive the least
consolation or advice. Crampley was so far from discovering the least remorse
for his barbarity, at the news of the surgeon’s death, that he insulted his memory
in the most abusive manner, and affirmed he had poisoned himself out of pure
fear, dreading to be brought to a court-martial for mutiny; for which reason he
would not suffer the service of the dead to be read over his body before it was
thrown overboard.
Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me under the brutal
sway of this bashaw, who, to render my life more irksome, signified to my
messmates a desire that I should be expelled from their society. This was no
sooner hinted, than they granted his request; and I was fain to eat in a solitary
manner by myself during the rest of the passage, which, however, soon drew to a
period.
We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the captain that, by his
reckoning, we must be in soundings, and desired he would order the lead to be
heaved. Crampley swore he did not know how to keep the ship’s way, for we
were not within a hundred leagues of soundings, and therefore he would not give
himself the trouble to cast the lead. Accordingly we continued our course all that
afternoon and night, without shortening sail, although the gunner pretended to
discover Scilly light; and next morning protested in form against the captain’s
conduct, for which he was put in confinement, We discovered no land all that
day, and Crampley was still so infatuated as to neglect sounding; but at three
o’clock in the morning the ship struck, and remained fast on a sand-bank. This
accident alarmed the whole crew; the boat was immediately hoisted out, but as
we could not discern which way the shore lay, we were obliged to wait for
daylight. In the meantime, the wind increased, and the waves beat against the
sloop with such violence, that we expected she would have gone to pieces. The
gunner was released and consulted: he advised the captain to cut away the mast,
in order to lighten her; this expedient was performed without success: the sailors,
seeing things in a desperate situation, according to custom, broke up the chests
belonging to the officers, dressed themselves in their clothes, drank their liquors
without ceremony, and drunkenness, tumult, and confusion ensued.
In the midst of this uproar, I went below to secure my own effects, and found
the carpenter’s mate hewing down the purser’s cabin with his hatchet, whistling
all the while with great composure. When I asked his intention in so doing, he
replied, very calmly, “I only want to taste the purser’s rum, that’s all, master.” At
that instant the purser coming down, and seeing his effects going to wreck,
complained bitterly of the injustice done to him, and asked the fellow what
occasion he had for liquor when, in all likelihood, he would be in eternity in a
few minutes. “All’s one for that,” said plunderer, “let us live while we can.”
“Miserable wretch that thou art!” cried the purser, “what must be thy lot in
another world, if thou diest in the commission of robbery?” “Why, hell, I
suppose,” replied the other, with great deliberation, while the purser fell on his
knees, and begged of Heaven that we might not all perish for the sake of Jonas.
During this dialogue I clothed myself in my bed apparel, girded on my hanger,
stuck my pistols, loaded, in my belt, disposed of all my valuable moveables
about my person, and came upon deck with a resolution of taking the first
opportunity to get on shore, which, when the day broke, appeared at the distance
of three miles ahead. Crampley, finding his efforts to get the ship off ineffectual,
determined to consult his own safety, by going into the boat, which he had no
sooner done, than the ship’s company followed so fast, that she would have sunk
alongside, had not some one wiser than the rest cut the rope and put off. But
before this happened, I had made several attempts to get in, and was always
balked by the captain, who was so eager in excluding me, that he did not mind
the endeavours of any other body. Enraged at this inhuman partiality, and seeing
the rope cut, I pulled one of my pistols from my belt, and cocking it, swore I
would shoot any man who would presume to obstruct my entrance. So saying, I
leaped with my full exertion, and got on board of the boat with the loss of the
skin of my shins. I chanced in my descent to overturn Crampley, who no sooner
got up than he struck at me several times with a cutlass, and ordered the men to
throw me overboard; but they were too anxious about their own safety to mind
what he said. Though the boat was very deeply loaded, and the sea terribly high,
we made shift to get upon dry land in less than an hour after we parted from the
sloop. As soon as I set my foot on terra firma, my indignation, which had boiled
so long within me, broke out against Crampley, whom I immediately challenged
to single combat, presenting my pistols, that he might take his choice: he took
one without hesitation, and, before I could cock the other, fired in my face,
throwing the pistol after the shot. I felt myself stunned, and imagining the bullet
had entered my brain, discharged mine as quick as possible, that I might not die
unrevenged: then flying upon my antagonist, knocked out several of his fore-
teeth with the butt-end of the piece, and would certainly have made an end of
him with that instrument, had he not disengaged himself, and seized his cutlass,
which he had given to his servant when he received the pistol. Seeing him armed
in this manner, I drew my hanger, and, having flung my pistol at his head, closed
with him in a transport of fury, and thrust my weapon into his mouth, which it
enlarged on one side to his ear. Whether the smart of this wound disconcerted
him, or the unevenness of the ground made him reel, I know not, but he
staggered some paces back: I followed close, and with one stroke cut the tendons
of the back of his hand, Upon which his cutlass dropped, and he remained
defenceless. I know not with what cruelty my rage might have inspired me, if I
had not at that instant been felled to the ground by a blow on the back part of my
head, which deprived me of all sensation. In this deplorable situation, exposed to
the rage of an incensed barbarian, and the rapine of an inhuman crew, I remained
for some time; and whether any disputes arose among them during the state of
my annihilation, I cannot pretend to determine; but in one particular they seemed
to have been unanimous, and acted with equal dexterity and dispatch; for when I
recovered the use of my understanding, I found myself alone in a desolate place,
stripped of my clothes, money, watch, buckles, and everything but my shoes,
stockings, breeches and shirt. What a discovery must this have been to me, who,
but an hour before, was worth sixty guineas in cash! I cursed the hour of my
birth, the parents that gave me being, the sea that did not swallow me up, the
poniard of the enemy, which could not find the way to my heart, the villainy of
those who had left me in that miserable condition; and in the ecstacy of despair
resolved to be still where I was, and perish.
 CHAPTER XXXVIII
I get up and crawl into a barn, where I am in danger of
perishing, through the fear of the country people—their
inhumanity—I am succoured by a reputed witch—her story—
her advice—she recommends me as a valet to a single lady,
whose character she explains

But as I lay ruminating, my passion insensibly abated; I considered my

situation in quite another light, from that in which it appeared to me at first, and
the result of my deliberation was to rise if I could, and crawl to the next
inhabited place for assistance. With some difficulty I got upon my legs, and
having examined my body, found I had received no other injury than two large
contused wounds, one on the fore and another on the hinder part of my head,
which seemed to be occasioned by the same weapon, namely, the butt-end of a
pistol. I looked towards the sea, but could discern no remains of the ship; so that
I concluded she was gone to pieces, and that those who remained in her had
perished: but, as I afterwards learned, the gunner, who had more sagacity than
Crampley, observing that it was flood when he left her, and that she would
probably float at high water, made no noise about getting on shore, but continued
on deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some harbour, after her commander
should have deserted her, for which piece of service he expected, no doubt, to be
handsomely rewarded. This scheme he accordingly executed, and was promised
great things by the Admiralty for saving his Majesty’s ship: but I never heard he
reaped the fruits of his expectation. As for my own part, I directed my course
towards a small cottage I perceived, and in the road picked up a seaman’s old
jacket, which I suppose the thief who dressed himself in my clothes had thrown
away: this was a very comfortable acquisition to me, who was almost stiff with
cold: I therefore put it on; and, as my natural heat revived, my wounds, which
had left off bleeding, burst out afresh; so that, finding myself excessively
exhausted, I was about to lie down in the fields, when I discovered a barn on my
left hand, within a few yards of me; thither I made shift to stagger, and finding
the door open, went in, but saw nobody; however, I threw myself upon a truss of
straw, hoping to be soon relieved by some person or other. I had not lain here
many minutes, when I saw a countryman come in with a pitchfork in his hand,
which he was upon the point of thrusting into the straw that concealed me, and
in all probability would have done my business, had I not uttered a dreadful
groan, after having essayed in vain to speak. This melancholy note alarmed the
clown, who started back, and discovering a body all besmeared with blood,
stood trembling, with the pitchfork extended before him, his hair bristling up, his
eyes staring, his nostrils dilated, and his mouth wide open. At another time I
should have been much diverted by this figure, which preserved the same
attitude very near ten minutes, during which time I made many unsuccessful
efforts to implore his compassion and assistance; but my tongue failed me, and
my language was only a repetition of groans. At length an old man arrived, who,
seeing the other in such a posture, cried, “Mercy upon en! the leaad’s bewitched!
why, Dick, beest thou besayd thyself!” Dick, without moving his eyes from the
object that terrified him, replied, “O vather! vather! here be either the devil or a
dead mon: I doant know which o’en, but a groans woundily.” The father, whose
eyesight was none of the best, pulled out his spectacles, and, having applied
them to his nose reconnoitered me over his son’s shoulder: but no sooner did he
behold me, than he was seized with a fit of shaking, even more violent than
Dick’s, and, with a broken accent, addressed me thus: “In the name of the
Vather, Zun, and Holy Ghost, I charge you, an you been Satan, to be gone to the
Red Zen; but an you be a moordered mon, speak, that you may have a Christom
burial.”
As I was not in a condition to satisfy him in this particular, he repeated his
conjuration to no purpose, and they continued a good while in the agonies of
fear. At length the father proposed that the son should draw nearer, and take a
more distinct view of the apparition; but Dick was of opinion that his father
should advance first, he being an old man past his labour and, if he received any
mischief, the loss would be the smaller; whereas he himself might escape, and be
useful, in his generation. This prudential reason had no effect upon the senior,
who still kept Dick between me and him. In the meantime I endeavoured to raise
one hand as a signal of distress, but had only strength sufficient to produce a
rustling among the straw, which discomposed the young peasant so much, that
he sprang out at the door, and overthrew his father in his flight. The old
gentleman would not spend time in getting up, but crawled backwards like a
crab, with great speed, till he had got over the threshold, mumbling exorcisms all
the way. I was exceedingly mortified to find myself in danger of perishing
through the ignorance and cowardice of these clowns; and felt my spirits decay
apace, when an old woman entered the barn, followed by the two fugitives and
with great intrepidity advanced to the place where I lay, saying, “If it be the devil
I fearen not, and for a dead mon a can do us no harm.” When she saw my
condition, she cried, “Here be no devil, but in your en fool’s head. Here be a
poor miserable wretch bleeding to death, and if a dies, we must be at the charge
of burying him; therefore, Dick, go vetch the old wheelbarrow and put en in, and
carry en to goodman Hodge’s backdoor; he is more able than we to pay out
money upon poor vagrants.” Her advice was taken, and immediately put in
execution; I was rolled to the other farmer’s door, where I was tumbled out like a
heap of dung; and should certainly have fallen a prey to the hogs, if my groans
had not disturbed the family, and brought some of them out to view my situation.
But Hodge resembled the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and ordered me to
be carried to the house of the parson, whose business it was to practise as well as
to preach charity; observing that it was sufficient for him to pay his quota
towards the maintenance of the poor belonging to his own parish. When I was
set down at the vicar’s gate, he fell into a mighty passion, and threatened to
excommunicate him who sent, as well as those who brought me, unless they
would move me immediately to another place. About this time I fainted with the
fatigue I had undergone, and afterwards understood that I was bandied from door
to door through a whole village, nobody having humanity enough to administer
the least relief to me, Until an old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft by
the neighbourhood, hearing of my distress, received me into her house, and,
having dressed my wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of her own
preparing. I was treated with great care and tenderness by this grave matron,
who, after I had recovered some strength, desired to know the particulars of my
last disaster. This piece of satisfaction I could not refuse to one who had saved
my life, therefore related all my adventures without exaggeration or reserve. She
seemed surprised at the vicissitudes I had undergone, and drew a happy presage
of my future life from my past suffering, then launched out into the praise of
adversity, with so much ardour and good sense, that I concluded she was a
person who had seen better days, and conceived a longing desire to hear her
story. She perceived my drift by some words I dropped, and smiling told me,
there was nothing either entertaining or extraordinary in the course of her
fortune; but, however, she would communicate it to me, in consideration of the
confidence I had reposed in her. “It is of little consequence,” said she, “to tell the
names of my parents, who are dead many years ago; let it suffice to assure you,
they were wealthy, and had no other child than me; so that I was looked upon as
heiress to a considerable estate, and teased with addresses on that account.
Among the number of my admirers, there was a young gentleman of no fortune,
whose sole dependence was on his promotion in the army, in which, at that time,
he bore a lieutenant’s commission. I conceived an affection for this amiable
officer, which, in a short time, increased to a violent passion, and without
entering into minute circumstances, married him privately. We had not enjoyed
one another long in stolen interviews, when he was ordered with his regiment to
Flanders; but, before he set out, it was agreed between us, that we should declare
our marriage to my father by letter, and implore his pardon for the step we had
taken without his approbation. This discovery was made while I was abroad
visiting, and just as I was about to return home, I received a letter from my
father, importing that, since I had acted so undutifully and meanly as to marry a
beggar, without his privity or consent, to the disgrace of his family as well as the
disappointment of his hopes, he renounced me to the miserable fate I had
entailed upon myself, and charged me never to set foot within his doors again.
This rigid sentence was confirmed by my mother, who, in a postscript, gave me
to understand that her sentiments were exactly conformable to those of my
father, and that I might save myself the trouble of making any applications, for
her resolutions were unalterable. Thunderstruck with my evil fortune I called a
coach, and drove to my husband’s lodgings, where I found him waiting the event
of his letter. Though he could easily divine by my looks the issue of his
declaration, he read with great steadiness the epistle I had received; and with a
smile full of tenderness, which I shall never forget, embraced me, saying, “I
believe the good lady your mother might have spared herself the trouble of the
last part of her postscript. Well, my dear Betty, you must lay aside all thoughts of
a coach, till I can procure the command of a regiment.” This unconcerned
behaviour, while it enabled me to support my reverse of fortune, at the same
time endeared him to me the more, by convincing me of his disinterested views
in espousing me. I was next day boarded in company with the wife of another
officer, who had long been the friend and confidant of my husband, at a village
not far from London, where they parted with us in the most melting manner,
went to Flanders, and were killed in sight of one another at the battle of the
Wood.
“Why should I tire you with a description of our unutterable sorrow at the
fatal news of this event, the remembrance of which now fills my aged eyes with
tears! When our grief subsided a little, and reflection came to our aid, we found
ourselves deserted by the whole world, and in danger of perishing by want;
whereupon we made application for the pension, and were put upon the list.
Then, vowing eternal friendship, sold our jewels and superfluous clothes, retired
to this place (which is in the county of Sussex) bought this little house, where we
lived many years in a solitary manner, indulging our mutual sorrow, till it
pleased Heaven to call away my companion two years ago; since which time I
have lingered out an unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy dissolution, when I
promise myself the eternal reward of all my cares. In the meantime,” continued
she, “I must inform you of the character I bear among my neighbours. My
conversation being different from that of the inhabitants of the village, my
recluse way of life, my skill in curing distempers, which I acquired from books
since I settled here, and lastly, my age having made the common people look
upon me as something preternatural, and I am actually, at this hour, believed to
be a witch. The parson of the parish, whose acquaintance I have not been at
much pains to cultivate, taking umbrage at my supposed disrespect, has
contributed not a little towards the confirmation of this opinion, by dropping
certain hints to my prejudice among the vulgar, who are also very much
scandalised at my entertaining this poor tabby cat with the collar about her neck,
which was a favourite of my deceased companion.”
The whole behaviour of this venerable person was so primitive, innocent,
sensible, and humane, that I contracted a filial respect for her, and begged her
advice with regard to my future conduct, as soon as I was in a condition to act
for myself. She dissuaded me from a design I had formed of travelling to
Louder, in hopes of retrieving my clothes and pay, by returning to my ship,
which by this time I read in the newspaper was safely arrived in the River
Thames: “because,” said she, “you run the hazard of being treated not only as a
deserter in quitting the sloop, but also as a mutineer, in assaulting your
commanding officer, to the malice of whose revenge you will moreover be
exposed.” She then promised to recommend me, as servant to a single lady of
her acquaintance, who lived in the neighbourhood with her nephew, who was a
young foxhunter of great fortune, where I might be very happy, provided I could
bear with the disposition and manners of my mistress, which were somewhat
whimsical and particular. But, above all things, she counselled me to conceal my
story, the knowledge of which would effectually poison my entertainment; for it
was a maxim, among most people of condition, that no gentleman ought to be
admitted into a family as a domestic, lest he become lazy, and insolent. I was
fain to embrace this humble proposal, because my affairs were desperate; and in
a few days was hired by this lady, to serve in quality of her footman, having
been represented by my hostess as a young man who was bred up to the sea by
his relations against his will, and had suffered shipwreck, which had increased
his disgust to that way of life so much, that he rather chose to go to service on
shore, than enter himself on board of any other ship. Before I took possession of
my new place, she gave me a sketch of my mistress’s character, that I might
know better how to regulate my conduct.
“Your lady,” said she, “is a maiden of forty years, not so remarkable for her
beauty as her learning and taste, which is famous all over the country. Indeed,
she is a perfect female virtuoso, and so eager after the pursuit of knowledge that
she neglects her person even to a degree of sluttishness; this negligence, together
with her contempt of the male part of the creation, gives her nephew no great
concern, as by these means he will probably keep her fortune, which is
considerable in the family. He therefore permits her to live in her own way,
which is something extraordinary, and gratifies her in all her whimsical desires.
Her apartment is at some distance from the other inhabited parts of the house;
and consists of a dining-room, bedchamber, and study; she keeps a cook maid, a
waiting-woman, and footman, of her own, and seldom eats or converses with
any of the family but her niece, who is a very lovely creature, and humours her
aunt often to the prejudice of her own health by sitting up with her whole nights
together; for your mistress is too much of a philosopher to be swayed by the
custom of the world, and never sleeps nor eats like other people. Among other
odd notions, she professes the principles of Rosicrucius, and believes the earth,
air, and sea, are inhabited by invisible beings, with whom it is possible for the
human species to entertain correspondence and intimacy, on the easy condition
of living chaste. As she hopes one day to be admitted into an acquaintance of
this kind, she no sooner heard of me and my cat, than she paid me a visit, with a
view, as she has since owned, to be introduced to my familiar; and was greatly
mortified to find herself disappointed in her expectation. Being by this visionary
turn of mind abstracted as it were from the world, she cannot advert to the
common occurrences of life; and therefore is frequently so absent as to commit
very strange mistakes and extravagancies, which you will do well to rectify and
repair, as your prudence shall suggest.”
 CHAPTER XXXIX

My Reception by that Lady—I become enamoured of Narcissa

—recount the particulars of my last misfortune—acquire the
good opinion of my Mistress—an Account of the young Squire
—I am made acquainted with more particulars of Narcissa’s
Situation—conceive a mortal hatred against Sir Timothy—
examine my Lady’s library and performances—her extravagant
behaviour

Fraught with these useful instructions, I repaired to the place of her habitation,
and was introduced by the waiting-woman to the presence of my lady, who had
not before seen me. She sat in her study, with one foot on the ground, and the
other upon a high stool at some distance from her seat; her sandy locks hung
down, in a disorder I cannot call beautiful, from her head, which was deprived of
its coif, for the benefit of scratching with one hand, while she held the stump of a
pen in the other. Her forehead was high and wrinkled; her eyes were large, gray,
and prominent; her nose was long, and aquiline: her mouth of vast capacity, her
visage meagre and freckled, and her chin peaked like a shoemaker’s paring
knife; her upper lip contained a large quantity of plain Spanish, which, by
continual falling, had embroidered her neck, that was not naturally very white,
and the breast of her gown, that flowed loose about her with a negligence that
was truly poetic, discovering linen that was very fine, and, to all appearance,
never washed but in Castalian streams. Around her lay heaps of books, globes,
quadrants, telescopes, and other learned apparatus; her snuff-box stood at her
right hand: at her left hand lay her handkerchief, sufficiently used, and a
convenience to spit in appeared on one side of her chair. She being in a reverie
when we entered, the maid did not think proper to disturb her; so that we waited
some minutes unobserved, during which time she bit the quill several times,
altered her position, made many wry faces, and, at length, with an air of triumph,
repeated aloud:
“Nor dare th’immortal gods my rage oppose!”

Having committed her success to paper, she turned towards the door, and
perceiving us, cried, “What’s the matter?” “Here’s the young man,” replied my
conductress, “whom Mrs. Sagely recommended as a footman to your ladyship.”
On this information she stared in my face for a considerable time, and then asked
my name, which I thought proper to conceal under that of John Brown. After
having surveyed me with a curious eye, she broke out into, “O! ay, thou wast
shipwrecked, I remember. Whether didst thou come on shore on the back of a
whale or a dolphin?” To this I answered, I had swam ashore without any
assistance. Then she demanded to know if I had ever been at the Hellespont, and
swam from Sestos to Abydos. I replied in the negative; upon which she bade the
maid order a suit of new livery for me, and instruct me in the articles of my duty:
so she spit in her snuff-box, and wiped her nose with her cap, which lay on the
table, instead of a handkerchief.
We returned to the kitchen, where I was regaled by the maids, who seemed to
vie with each other in expressing their regard for me; and from them I
understood, that my business consisted in cleaning knives and forks, laying the
cloth, waiting at table, carrying messages, and attending my lady when she went
abroad. There was a very good suit of livery in the house, which had belonged to
my predecessor deceased, and it fitted me exactly; so that there was no occasion
for employing a tailor on my account. I had not been long equipped in this
manner, when my lady’s bell rung; upon which, I ran up stairs, and found her
stalking about the room in her shift and under petticoat only; I would
immediately have retired as became me, but she bade me come in, and air a
clean shift for her; which operation I having performed with some
backwardness, she put it on before me without any ceremony, and I verily
believe was ignorant of my sex all that time, as being quite absorbed in
contemplation. About four o’clock in the afternoon I was ordered to lay the
cloth, and place two covers, which I understood were for my mistress and her
niece, whom I had not as yet seen. Though I was not very dexterous at this work,
I performed it pretty well for a beginner, and, when dinner was upon the table,
saw my mistress approach, accompanied by the young lady, whose name for the
present shall be Narcissa. So much sweetness appeared in the countenance and
carriage of this amiable apparition, that my heart was captivated at first sight,
and while dinner lasted, I gazed upon her without intermission. Her age seemed
to be seventeen, her stature tall, her shape unexceptionable, her hair, that fell
down upon her ivory neck in ringlets, black as jet; her arched eyebrows of the
same colour; her eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips of the consistence and hue of
cherries; her complexion clear, delicate and healthy; her aspect noble, ingenuous,
and humane; and the whole person so ravishingly delightful, that it was
impossible for any creature endued with sensibility, to see without admiring, and
admire without loving her to excess. I began to curse the servile station that
placed me so far beneath the regard of this idol of my adoration! and yet I
blessed my fate, that enabled me to enjoy daily the sight of so much perfection!
When she spoke I listened with pleasure; but when she spoke to me, my soul
was thrilled with an extacy of tumultuous joy. I was even so happy as to be the
subject of their conversation; for Narcissa, having observed me, said to her aunt,
“I see your new footman is come.” Then addressing herself to me, asked, with
ineffable complacency, if I was the person who had been so cruelly used by
robbers? When I had satisfied her in this; she expressed a desire of knowing the
other particulars of my fortune, both before and since my being shipwrecked:
hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely had counselled me) I told her that I had been bound
apprentice to the master of a ship, contrary to my inclination, which ship had
foundered at sea; that I and four more, who chanced to be on deck when she
went down, made shift to swim to the shore, when my companions, after having
overpowered me, stripped me to the shirt, and left me, as they imagined, dead of
the wounds I received in my own defence. Then I related the circumstances of
being found in a barn, with the inhuman treatment I met with from the country
people and parson; the description of which, I perceived, drew tears from the
charming creature’s eyes. When I had finished my recital, my mistress, said, “Ma
foi! le garçon est bien fait!” To which opinion Narcissa assented, with a
compliment to my understanding, in the same language, that flattered my vanity
extremely.
The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the young squire, whom
my lady inquired after under the title of the Savage; and was informed by her
niece that he was still in bed, repairing the fatigue of last night’s debauch, and
recruiting strength and spirits to undergo a fox chase to-morrow morning, in
company with Sir Timothy Thicket, Squire Bumper, and a great many other
gentlemen of the same stamp, whom he had invited on that occasion! so that by
daybreak the whole house would be in an uproar. This was a very disagreeable
piece of news to the virtuoso, who protested she would stuff her ears with cotton
when she went to bed, and take a dose of opium to make her sleep the more
sound, that she might not be disturbed and distracted by the clamour of the
brutes.
When their dinner was over, I and my fellow servants sat down to ours in the
kitchen, where I understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was a wealthy knight in
the neighbourhood, between whom and Narcissa a match had been projected by
her brother, who promised at the same time to espouse Sir Timothy’s sister; by
which means, as their fortunes were pretty equal, the young ladies would be
provided for, and their brothers be never the poorer; but that the ladies did not
concur in the scheme, each of them entertaining a hearty contempt for the person
allotted to her for a husband by this agreement. This information begat in me a
mortal aversion to Sir Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival, and cursed in
my heart for his presumption.
Next morning, by daybreak, being awakened by the noise of the hunters and
hounds, I rose to view the cavalcade, and had a sight of my competitor, whose
accomplishments (the estate excluded) did not seem brilliant enough to give me
much uneasiness with respect to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself, was not to be
won by such qualifications as he was master of, either as to person or mind. My
mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, was so much disturbed by her
nephew’s company, that she did not rise till five o’clock in the afternoon; so that
I had an opportunity of examining her study at leisure, to which examination I
was strongly prompted by my curiosity. Here I found a thousand scraps of her
own poetry, consisting of three, four, ten, twelve, and twenty lines, on an infinity
of subjects, which, as whim inspired, she had begun, without constancy or
capacity to bring to any degree of composition: but, what was very extraordinary
in a female poet, there was not the least mention made of love in any of her
performances. I counted fragments of five tragedies, the titles of which were
“The Stern Philosopher,” “The Double,” “The Sacrilegious Traitor,” “The Fall of
Lucifer,” and “The Last Day.” From whence I gathered, that her disposition was
gloomy, and her imagination delighted with objects of horror. Her library was
composed of the best English historians, poets, and philosophers; of all the
French critics and poets, and of a few books in Italian, chiefly poetry, at the head
of which were Tasso and Ariosto, pretty much used. Besides these, translations
of the classics into French, but not one book in Greek or Latin; a circumstance
that discovered her ignorance in these languages.
After having taken a full view of this collection, I retired, and at the usual time
was preparing to lay the cloth, when I was told by the maid that her mistress was
still in bed, and had been so affected with the notes of the hounds in the
morning, that she actually believed herself a hare beset by the hunters, and
begged a few greens to munch for breakfast. When I expressed my surprise in
this unaccountable imagination she gave me to understand that her lady was very
much subject to whims of this nature; sometimes fancying herself an animal,
sometimes a piece of furniture, during which conceited transformations it was
very dangerous to come near her, especially when she represented a beast; for
that lately, in the character of a cat, she had flown at her, and scratched her face
in a terrible manner: that some months ago, she prophesied the general
conflagration was at hand, and nothing would be able to quench it but her water,
which therefore she kept so long, that her life was in danger, and she must needs
have died of the retention, had they not found an expedient to make her
evacuate, by kindling a bonfire under her chamber window and persuading her
that the house was in flames: upon which, with great deliberation, she bade them
bring all the tubs and vessels they could find to be filled for the preservation of
the house, into one of which she immediately discharged the cause of her
distemper. I was also informed that nothing contributed so much to the recovery
of her reason as music, which was always administered on those occasions by
Narcissa, who played perfectly well on the harpsichord, and to whom she (the
maid) was just then going to intimate her aunt’s disorder.
She was no sooner gone than I was summoned by the bell to my lady’s
chamber, where I found her sitting squat on her hands on the floor, in the manner
of puss when she listens to the outcries of her pursuers. When I appeared, she
started up with an alarmed look, and sprang to the other side of the room to
avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mistook for a beagle thirsting after her life.
Perceiving her extreme confusion, I retired, and on the staircase met the adorable
Narcissa coming up, to whom I imparted the situation of my mistress; she said
not a word, but smiling with unspeakable grace, went into her aunt’s apartment,
and in a little time my ears were ravished with the efforts of her skill. She
accompanied the instrument with a voice so sweet and melodious, that I did not
wonder at the surprising change it produced on the spirits of my mistress which
composed to peace and sober reflection.
About seven o’clock, the hunters arrived with the skins of two foxes and one
badger, carried before them as trophies of their success; and when they were
about to sit down to dinner (or supper) Sir Timothy Thicket desired that Narcissa
would honour the table with her presence; but this request, notwithstanding her
brother’s threats and entreaties, she refused, on pretence of attending her aunt,
who was indisposed; so I enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing my rival mortified:
but this disappointment made no great impression on him, who consoled himself
with the bottle, of which the whole company became so enamoured that, after a
most horrid uproar of laughing, singing, swearing, and fighting, they were all
carried to bed in a state of utter oblivion. My duty being altogether detached
from the squire and his family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable life, drinking
daily intoxicating draughts of love from the charms of Narcissa, which
brightened on my contemplation every day more and more. Inglorious as my
station was, I became blind to my own unworthiness, and even conceived hopes
of one day enjoying this amiable creature, whose, affability greatly encouraged
these presumptuous thoughts.
 CHAPTER XL

My mistress is surprised at my learning—communicates her

performances to me—I impart some of mine to her—am
mortified at her faint praise—Narcissa approves of my conduct
—I gain an involuntary conquest over the cookwench and
dairymaid—their mutual resentment and insinuations—the
jealousy of their lovers

During this season of love and tranquillity, my muse, which had lain dormant
so long, awoke, and produced several small performances on the subject of my
flame. But as it concerned me nearly to remain undiscovered in my character and
sentiments, I was under a necessity of mortifying my desire of praise, by
confining my works to my own perusal and applause. In the meantime I strove to
insinuate myself into the good opinion of both ladies; and succeeded so well, by
my diligence and dutiful behaviour, that in a little time I was at least a favourite
servant; and frequently enjoyed the satisfaction of hearing myself mentioned in
French and Italian, with some degree of warmth and surprise by the dear object
of all my wishes, as a person who had so much of the gentleman in my
appearance and discourse, that she could not for her soul treat me like a common
lacquey. My prudence and modesty were not long proof against these bewitching
compliments. One day, while I waited at dinner, the conversation turned upon a
knotty passage of Tasso’s Gierusalem, which, it seems, had puzzled them both:
after a great many unsatisfactory conjectures, my mistress, taking the book out
of her pocket, turned up the place in question, and read the sentence over and
over without success; at length, despairing of finding the author’s meaning, she
turned to me, saying, “Come hither, Bruno; let us see what fortune will do for us:
I will interpret to thee what goes before, and what follows this obscure
paragraph, the particular words of which I will also explain, that thou mayst, by
comparing one with another, guess the sense of that which perplexes us.” I was
too vain to let slip this opportunity of displaying my talents; therefore, without
hesitation, read and explained the whole of that which had disconcerted them, to
the utter astonishment of both. Narcissa’s face and lovely neck were overspread
with blushes, from which I drew a favourable opinion, while her aunt, after
having stared at me a good while with a look of amazement, exclaimed, “In the
name of heaven who art thou?” I told her I had picked up a smattering of Italian,
during a voyage up the Straits. At this explanation she shook her head, and
observed that no smatterer could read as I had done. She then desired to know if
I understood French. To which question I answered in the affirmative. She asked
if I was acquainted with the Latin and Greek? I replied, “A little.” “Oho!”
continued she, “and with philosophy and mathematics, I suppose?” I owned I
knew something of each. Then she repeated her stare and interrogation. I began
to repent of my vanity, and in order to repair the fault I committed, said, it was
not to be wondered at if I had a tolerable education, for learning was so cheap in
my country, that every peasant was a scholar; but, I hoped her Ladyship would
think my understanding no exception to my character. “No, no, God forbid.” But
during the rest of the time they sat at table, they behaved with remarkable
reserve.
This alteration gave me great uneasiness; and I passed the night without sleep,
in melancholy reflections on the vanity of young men, which prompts them to
commit so many foolish actions, contrary to their own sober judgment. Next day,
however, instead of profiting by this self-condemnation, I yielded still more to
the dictates of the principle I had endeavoured to chastise, and if fortune had not
befriended me more than prudence could expect, I should have been treated with
the contempt it deserved. After breakfast my lady, who was a true author, bade
me follow her into the study, where she expressed herself thus: “Since you are so
learned, you cannot be void of taste; therefore I am to desire your opinion of a
small performance in poetry, which I lately composed. You must know that I
have planned a tragedy, the subject of which shall be, the murder of a prince
before the altar, where he is busy at his devotions. After the deed is perpetrated,
the regicide will harangue the people with the bloody dagger in his hand; and I
have already composed a speech, which, I think, will suit the character
extremely. Here it is.” Then, taking up a scrap of paper, she read, with violent
emphasis and gesture, as follows:—
 “Thus have I sent the simple King to hell,
Without or coffin, shroud, or passing bell:
To me what are divine and human laws?
I court no sanction but my own applause!
Rapes, robberies, treasons, yield my soul delight,
And human carnage gratifies my sight:
I drag the parent by the hoary hair,
And toss the sprawling infant on the spear,
While the fond mother’s cries regale my ear.
I fight, I vanquish, murder friends and foes;
Nor dare the immortal gods my rage oppose.”

Though I did great violence to my understanding in praising this unnatural

rhapsody, I nevertheless extolled it as a production that of itself deserved
immortal fame; and besought her ladyship to bless the world with the fruits of
those uncommon talents Heaven had bestowed upon her. She smiled with a look
of self-complacency, and encouraged by the incense I had offered,
communicated all her poetical works which I applauded, one by one, with as
little candour as I had shown at first. Satiated with my flattery, which I hope my
situation justified, she could not in conscience refuse me an opportunity of
shining in my turn: and, therefore, after a compliment to my nice discernment
and taste, observed, that doubtless I must have produced something in that way
myself, which she desired to see. This was temptation I could by no means
resist. I owned that while I was at college I wrote some detached pieces, at the
desire of a friend who was in love; and at her request repeated the following
verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa had inspired:—
On Celia,

Playing on the harpsichord and singing.

When Sappho struck the quivering wire,

The throbbing breast was all on fire:
And when she raised the vocal lay,
The captive soul was charm’d away.

But had the nymph possessed with these

Thy softer, chaster, power to please;
Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth,
Thy native smiles of artless truth;

The worm of grief had never preyed

On the forsaken love-sick maid:
Nor had she mourn’d a hapless flame,
Nor dash’d on rocks her tender frame.

My mistress paid me a cold compliment on the versification, which, she said,

was elegant enough, but, the subject beneath the pen of a true poet. I was
extremely nettled at her indifference, and looked at Narcissa, who by this time
had joined us, for her approbation; but she declined giving her opinion,
protesting she was no judge of these matters; so that I was forced to retire very
much balked in my expectation, which was generally a little too sanguine. In the
afternoon, however, the waiting-maid assured me that Narcissa had expressed
her approbation of my performance with great warmth, and desired her to
procure a copy of it as for herself, that she (Narcissa) might have an opportunity
to peruse it at pleasure. I was elated to an extravagant pitch at this intelligence,
and immediately transcribed a fair copy of my Ode, which was carried to the
dear charmer, together with another on the same subject, as follows:—
Thy fatal shaft unerring move;
I bow before thine altar, Love!
I feel thou soft resistless flame
Glide swift through all my vital frame!

For while I gaze my bosom glows,

My blood in tides impetuous flows;
Hope, fear, and joy alternate roll,
And floods of transports ’whelm my soul!

My faltering tongue attempts in vain

In soothing murmurs to complain;
My tongue some secret magic ties,
My murmurs sink in broken sighs.
 Condemn’d to nurse eternal care,
And ever drop the silent tear,
Unheard I mourn, unknown I sigh,
Unfriended live, unpitied die!

Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion, I could not learn from her
behaviour, which, though always benevolent to me was henceforth more
reserved and less cheerful. While my thoughts aspired to a sphere so far above
me, I had unwittingly made a conquest of the cookwench and dairymaid, who
became so jealous of each other that, if their sentiments had been refined by
education, it is probable one or other of them would have had recourse to poison
or steel to be avenged of her rival; but, as their minds were happily adapted to
their humble station, their mutual enmity was confined to scolding and fistcuffs,
in which exercise they were both well skilled. My good fortune did not long
remain a secret; for it was disclosed by the frequent broils of these heroines, who
kept no decorum in their encounters. The coachman and gardener, who paid their
devoirs to my admirers, each to his respective choice, alarmed at my success,
laid their heads together, in order to concert a plan of revenge; and the former,
having been educated at the academy at Tottenham Court, undertook to
challenge me to single combat. He accordingly, with many opprobrious
invectives, bade me defiance, and offered to box me for twenty guineas. I told
him that, although I believed myself a match for him even at that work I would
not descend so far below the dignity of a gentleman as to fight like a porter; but
if he had anything to say to me, I was his man at blunderbuss, musket, pistol,
sword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork, or needle; nay, I swore, that should he give his
tongue any more saucy liberties at my expense, I would crop his ears without
any ceremony. This rhodomontade, delivered with a stern countenance and
resolute tone, had the desired effect upon my antagonist, who, with some
confusion, sneaked off, and gave his friend an account of his reception.
The story, taking air among the servants, procured for me the title of
Gentleman John, with which I was sometimes honoured, even by my mistress
and Narcissa, who had been informed of the whole affair by the chambermaid.
In the meantime, the rival queens expressed their passion by all the ways in their
power: the cook entertained me with choice bits, the dairymaid with strokings:
the first would often encourage me to declare myself, by complimenting me
upon my courage and learning, and observing, that if she had a husband like me,
to maintain order and keep accounts, she could make a great deal of money, by
setting up an eating-house in London for gentlemen’s servants on board wages.
The other courted my affection by showing her own importance, and telling me
that many a substantial farmer in the neighbourhood would be glad to marry her,
but she was resolved to please her eye, if she should plague her heart. Then she
would launch out into the praise of my proper person, and say, she was sure I
would make a good husband, for I was very good-natured. I began to be uneasy
at the importunities of these inamoratas, whom, at another time perhaps, I might
have pleased without the disagreeable sauce of matrimony, but, at present, my
whole soul was engrossed by Narcissa; and I could not bear the thoughts of
doing anything derogatory to the passion I entertained for her.
 CHAPTER XLI

Narcissa being in danger from the brutality of Sir Timothy, is

rescued by me, who revenge myself on my rival—I declare my
passion, and retreat to the seaside—am surrounded by
smugglers, and carried to Boulogne—find my Uncle Lieutenant
Bowling in great distress, and relieve him—our conversation

At certain intervals my ambition would revive; I would despise myself for my

tame resignation to my sordid fate, and revolve a hundred schemes for assuming
the character of a gentleman, to which I thought myself entitled by birth and
education. In these fruitless suggestions time stole away unperceived, and I had
already remained eight months in the station of a footman, when an accident
happened that put an end to my servitude, and, for the present, banished all
hopes of succeeding in my love.
Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who lived with her brother within
less than a mile of our house, and was persuaded to walk home in the cool of the
evening, accompanied by Sir Timothy, who, having a good deal of the brute in
him, was instigated to use some unbecoming familiarities with her, encouraged
by the solitariness of a field through which they passed. The lovely creature was
incensed at his rude behaviour for which she reproached him in such a manner
that he lost all regard to decency, and actually offered violence to this pattern of
innocence and beauty. But Heaven would not suffer so much goodness to be
violated, and sent me, who, passing by accident near the place, was alarmed with
her cries, for her succour. What were the emotions of my soul, when I beheld
Narcissa almost sinking beneath the brutal force of this satyr! I flew like
lightning to her rescue, and he, perceiving me, quitted his prey, and drew his
hanger to chastise my presumption. My indignation was too high to admit one
thought of fear, so that, rushing upon him, I struck his weapon out of his hand,
and used my cudgel so successfully that he fell to the ground, and lay, to all
appearance, without sense. Then I turned to Narcissa, who had swooned, and
sitting down by her, gently raised her head, and supported it on my bosom,
while, with my hand around her waist, I kept her in that position. My soul was
thrilled with tumultuous joy, at feeling the object of my dearest wishes within
my arms; and, while she lay insensible, I could not refrain from applying my
cheeks to hers, and ravishing a kiss. In a little time the blood began to revisit her
face, she opened her enchanting eyes, and, having recollected her late situation,
said, with a look full of tender acknowledgment, “Dear John, I am eternally
obliged to you!” So saying she made an effort to rise, in which I assisted her, and
she proceeded to the house, leaning upon me all the way. I was a thousand times
tempted by this opportunity to declare my passion, but the dread of disobliging
her restrained my tongue. We had not moved a hundred paces from the scene of
her distress, when I perceived Sir Timothy rise and walk homeward—a
circumstance which, though it gave me some satisfaction, inasmuch as I thereby
knew I had not killed him, filled me with just apprehension of his resentment,
which I found myself in no condition to withstand; especially when I considered
his intimacy with our squire, to whom I knew he could justify himself for what
he had done, by imputing it to his love, and desiring his brother Bruin to take the
same liberty with his sister, without any fear of offence.
When we arrived at the house, Narcissa assured me she would exert all her
influence in protecting me from the revenge of Thicket, and likewise engage her
aunt in my favour. At the same time, pulling out her purse, offered it as a small
consideration for the service I had done her. But I stood too much upon the
punctilios of love to incur the least suspicion of being mercenary, and refused
the present, by saying I had merited nothing by barely doing my duty. She
seemed astonished at my disinterestedness, and blushed: I felt the same
suffusion, and, with a downcast eye and broken accent, told her I had one
request to make, which, if her generosity would grant, I should think myself
fully recompensed, for an age of misery. She changed colour at this preamble,
and, with great confusion, replied, she hoped my good sense would hinder me
from asking anything she was bound in honour to refuse, and therefore bade me
signify my desire. Upon which I kneeled, and engaged to kiss her hand. She
immediately, with an averted look, stretched it out: I imprinted on it an ardent
kiss, and, bathing it with my tears, cried, “Dear Madam, I am an unfortunate
gentleman, and love you to distraction, but would have died a thousand deaths
rather than make this declaration under such a servile appearance, were I not
determined to yield to the rigour of my fate, to fly from your bewitching
presence, and bury my presumptuous passion in eternal silence.” With these
words I rose, and went away before she could recover her spirits so far as to
make any reply.
My first care was to go and consult Mrs. Sagely, with whom I had entertained
a friendly correspondence ever since I left her house. When she understood my
situation, the good woman, with real concern, condoled with me on my unhappy
fate, and approved of my resolution to leave the country, as being perfectly well
acquainted with the barbarous disposition of my rival, “who, by this time,” said
she, “has no doubt meditated a scheme of revenge. Indeed, I cannot see how you
will be able to elude his vengeance; being himself in the commission, he will
immediately grant warrants for apprehending you; and, as almost all the people
in this country are dependent on him or his friend, it will be impossible for you
to find shelter among them. If you should be apprehended, he will commit you to
jail, where you may possibly in great misery languish till the next assizes, and
then be transported for assaulting a magistrate.”
While she thus warned me of my danger, we heard a knocking at the door,
which threw us both into great consternation, as in all probability, it was
occasioned by my pursuers; whereupon this generous old lady, putting two
guineas into my hand, with tears in her eyes, bade me, for God’s sake, get out at
the back-door and consult my safety as Providence should direct me. There was
no time for deliberation. I followed her advice, and escaped by the benefit of a
dark night to the seaside, where, while I ruminated on my next excursion, I was
all of a sudden surrounded by armed men, who, having bound my hands and
feet, bade me make no noise on pain of being shot, and carried me on board of a
vessel, which I soon perceived to be a smuggling cutter. This discovery gave me
some satisfaction at first, because I concluded myself safe from the resentment
of Sir Timothy; but, when I found myself in the hands of ruffians, who
threatened to execute me for a spy, I would have thought myself happily quit for
a year’s imprisonment, or even transportation. It was in vain for me to protest
my innocence: I could not persuade them that I had taken a solitary walk to their
haunt, at such an hour, merely for my own amusement; and I did not think it my
interest to disclose the true cause of my retreat, because I was afraid they would
have made their peace with justice by surrendering me to the penalty of the law.
What confirmed their suspicion was, the appearance of a custom-house yacht,
which gave them chase, and had well nigh made a prize of their vessel; when
they were delivered from their fears by a thick fog, which effectually screened
them, and favoured their arrival at Boulogne. But, before they got out of sight of
their pursuer, they held a council of war about me, and some of the most
ferocious among them would have thrown me overboard as a traitor who had
betrayed them to their enemies; but others, more considerate, alleged, that if they
put me to death, and should afterwards be taken, they could expect no mercy
from the legislature, which would never pardon outlawry aggravated by murder.
It was therefore determined by a plurality of votes, that I should be set on shore
in France, and left to find my way back to England, as I should think proper, this
being punishment sufficient for the bare suspicion of a crime in itself not capital.
Although this favourable determination gave me great pleasure, the
apprehension of being robbed would not suffer me to be perfectly at ease. To
prevent this calamity, as soon as I was untied, in consequence of the aforesaid
decision, I tore a small hole in one of my stockings, into which I dropped six
guineas, reserving half a piece and some silver in my pocket, that, finding
something, they might not be tempted to make any further inquiry. This was a
very necessary precaution, for, when we came within sight of the French shore,
one of the smugglers told me, I must pay for my passage. To this declaration I
replied, that my passage was none of my own seeking; therefore they could not
expect a reward from me for transporting me into a strange country by force. “D
—me!” said the outlaw, “none of your palaver; but let me see what money you
have got.” So saying, he thrust his hand into my pocket without any ceremony,
and emptied it of the contents; then, casting an eye at my hat and wig, which
captivated his fancy, he took them off, clapping his own on my head, declared,
that a fair exchange was no robbery. I was fain to put up with this bargain, which
was by no means favourable to me; and a little while after we went all on shore
together.
I resolved to take my leave of those desperadoes without much ceremony,
when one of them cautioned me against appearing to their prejudice if ever I
returned to England, unless I had a mind to be murdered; for which service, he
assured me, the gang never wanted agents. I promised to observe his advice, and
departed for the Upper Town, where I inquired for a cabaret, or public-house,
into which I went, with an intention of taking some refreshment. In the kitchen,
five Dutch sailors sat at breakfast with a large loaf, a firkin of butter, and a keg of
brandy, the bung of which they often applied to their mouths with great
perseverance and satisfaction. At some distance from them I perceived another
person in the same garb, sitting in a pensive solitary manner, entertaining
himself with a whiff of tobacco, from the stump of a pipe as black as jet. The
appearance of distress never failed to attract my regard and compassion. I
approached this forlorn tar with a view to offer him my assistance, and,
notwithstanding the alteration of dress and disguise of a long beard, I discovered
in him my long lost and lamented uncle and benefactor, Lieutenant Bowling!
Good Heaven! what were the agitations of my soul, between the joy of finding
again such a valuable friend, and the sorrow of seeing him in such a low
condition! The tears gushed down my cheeks; I stood motionless and silent for
some time. At length, recovering the use of speech, I exclaimed, “Gracious God!
Mr. Bowling!” My uncle no sooner heard his name mentioned, than he started
up, crying, with some surprise, “Holla!” and, after having looked at me
steadfastly, without being able to recollect me, said, “Did you call me, brother,” I
told him I had something extraordinary to communicate, and desired him to give
me the hearing for a few minutes in another room; but he would by no means
consent to this proposal, saying, “Avast there, friend: none of your tricks upon
travellers;—if you have anything to say to me, do it above board;—you need not
be afraid of being overheard;—here are none who understand our lingo.”
Though I was loth to discover myself before company, I could no longer refrain
from telling him I was his own nephew, Roderick Random. On this information,
he considered me with great earnestness and astonishment, and, recalling my
features, which, though enlarged, were not entirely altered since he had seen me,
came up, and shook me by the hand very cordially, protesting he was glad to see
me well. After some pause, he went on thus; “And yet, my lad, I am sorry to see
you under such colours; the more so, as it is not in my power, at present, to
change them for the better, times being very hard with me,” With these words I
could perceive a tear trickle down his furrowed cheek, which affected me so
much that I wept bitterly.
Imagining my sorrow was the effect of my own misfortunes, he comforted me
with observing, that life was a voyage in which we must expect to meet with all
weathers; sometimes was calm, sometimes rough; that a fair gale often
succeeded a storm; that the wind did not always sit one way, and that despair
signified nothing; that resolution and skill were better than a stout vessel: for
why? because they require no carpenter, and grow stronger the more labour they
undergo. I dried up my tears, which I assured him were not shed for my own
distress, but for his, and begged leave to accompany him into another room,
where we could converse more at our ease. There I recounted to him the
ungenerous usage I had met with from Potion; at which relation he started up,
stalked across the room three or four times in a great hurry, and, grasping his
cudgel, cried, “I would I were alongside of him—that’s all—I would I were
alongside of him!” I then gave him a detail of my adventures and sufferings,
which affected him more than I could have imagined; and concluded with telling
him that Captain Oakun was still alive, and that he might return to England when
he would to solicit his affairs, without danger or molestation. He was
wonderfully pleased with this piece of information, of which, however, he said
he could not at present avail himself, for want of money to pay for his passage to
London. This objection I soon removed, by putting five guineas into his hand,
and telling him I thought myself extremely happy in having an opportunity of
manifesting my gratitude to him in his necessity. But it was with the utmost
difficulty I could prevail upon him to accept of two, which he affirmed were
more than sufficient to defray the necessary expense.
After this friendly contest was over, he proposed we should have a mess of
something; “For,” said he, “it has been banyan day with me a great while. You
must know I was shipwrecked, five days ago, near a place called Lisieux, in
company with those Dutchmen who are now drinking below; and having but
little money when I came ashore, it was soon spent, because I let them have
share and share while it lasted. Howsomever, I should have remembered the old
saying, every hog his own apple; for when they found my hold unstowed, they
went all hands to shooling and begging; and, because I would not take a spell at
the same duty, refused to give me the least assistance; so that I have not broke
bread these two days.” I was shocked at the extremity of his distress, and
ordered some bread, cheese, and wine, to be brought immediately, to allay his
hunger, until a fricassee of chickens could be prepared. When he had recruited
his spirits with this homely fare, I desired to know the particulars of his
peregrination since the accident at Cape Tiberoon, which were briefly these: The
money he had about him being all spent at Port Louis, the civility and hospitality
of the French cooled to such a degree, that he was obliged to list on board one of
their king’s ships as a common foremast man, to prevent himself from starving
on shore. In this situation he continued two years, during which time he had
acquired some knowledge of their language, and the reputation of a good
seaman; the ship he belonged to was ordered home to France, where she was laid
up as unfit for service, and he was received on board one of Monsieur D’Antin’s
squadron, in quality of quartermaster; which office he performed in a voyage to
the West Indies, where he engaged with our ship, as before related; but his
conscience upbraiding him for serving the one enemies of his country, he quitted
the ship at the same place where he first listed, and got to Curacoa in a Dutch
vessel; there he bargained with a skipper, bound to Europe, to work for his
passage to Holland, from whence he was in hopes of hearing from his friends in
England; but was cast away, as he mentioned before, on the French coast, and
must have been reduced to the necessity of travelling on foot to Holland, and
begging for his subsistence on the road, or of entering on board of another
French man-of-war, at the hazard of being treated as a deserter, if Providence
had not sent me to his succour. “And now, my lad,” continued he, “I think I shall
steer my course directly to London, where I do not doubt of being replaced, and
of having the R taken off me by the Lords of the Admiralty, to whom I intend to
write a petition, setting forth my case; if I succeed, I shall have wherewithal to
give you some assistance, because, when I left the ship, I had two years’ pay due
to me, therefore I desire to know whither you are bound: and besides, perhaps, I
may have interest enough to procure a warrant appointing you surgeon’s mate of
the ship to which I shall belong—for the beadle of the Admiralty is my good
friend: and he and one of the under clerks are sworn brothers, and that under
clerk has a good deal to say with one of the upper clerks, who is very well
known to the under secretary, who, upon his recommendation, I hope, will
recommend my affair to the first secretary; and he again will speak to one of the
lords in my behalf; so that you see I do not want friends to assist me on
occasion. As for the fellow Crampley, tho’f I know him not, I am sure he is
neither seaman nor officer, by what you have told me, or else he could never be
so much mistaken in his reckoning, as to run the ship on shore on the coast of
Sussex before he believed himself in soundings; neither, when that accident
happened, would he have left the ship until she had been stove to pieces,
especially when the tide was making; wherefore, by this time, I do suppose, he
has been tried by a court-martial, and executed for his cowardice and
misconduct.”
I could not help smiling at the description of my uncle’s ladder, by which he
proposed to climb to the attention of the board of admiralty; and, though I knew
the world too well to confide in such dependence myself, I would not discourage
him with doubts, but asked if he had no friend in London, who would advance a
small sum of money to enable him to appear as he ought, and make a small
present to the under secretary, who might possibly dispatch his business the
sooner on that account. He scratched his head, and after some recollection,
replied, “Why, yes, I believe Daniel Whipcord, the ship-chandler in Wapping,
would not refuse me such a small matter. I know I can have what credit I want
for lodging, liquor, and clothes; but as to money, I won’t be positive. Had honest
Block been living, I should not have been at loss.” I was heartily sorry to find a
worthy man so destitute of friends, when he had such need of them, and looked
upon my own situation as less miserable than his, because I was better
acquainted with the selfishness and roguery of mankind, consequently less liable
to disappointment and imposition.
 CHAPTER XLII

He takes his passage in a cutter for Deal—we are accosted by a

Priest, who proves to be a Scotchman—his profession on
friendship—he is affronted by the Lieutenant, who afterwards
appeases him by submission—my uncle embarks—I am
introduced by a Priest to a Capuchin, in whose company I set
out for Paris—the character of my fellow traveller—on
adventure on the road—I am shocked at his behaviour

When our repast was ended, we walked down to the harbour, where we found
a cutter that was to sail for Deal in the evening, and Mr. Bowling agreed for his
passage. In the meantime, we sauntered about the town to satisfy our curiosity,
our conversation turning on the subject of my designs, which were not as yet
fixed: neither can it be supposed that my mind was at ease, when I found myself
reduced almost to extreme poverty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom I
had not one acquaintance to advise or befriend me. My uncle was sensible of my
forlorn condition, and pressed me to accompany him to England, where he did
not doubt of finding some sort of provision for me; but besides the other reasons
I had for avoiding that kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, as the worst
country in the universe for a poor honest man to live in; and therefore
determined to remain in France, at all events.
I was confirmed in this resolution by a reverend priest, who, passing by at this
time, and overhearing us speak English, accosted us in the same language,
telling us he was our countryman, and wishing it might be in his power to do us
any service. We thanked this grave person for his courteous offer, and invited
him to drink a glass with us, which he did not think proper to refuse, and we
went altogether into a tavern of his recommending. After having drunk to our
healths in a bumper of good Burgundy, he began to inquire into our situation,
particularly the place of our nativity, which we no sooner named than he started
up, and, wringing our hands with great fervour, shed a flood of tears, crying, “I
come from the same part of the country! perhaps you are my own relations.” I
was on my guard against his caresses, which I suspected very much, when I
remembered the adventure of the money-dropper; but, without any appearance
of diffidence, observed, that, as he was born in that part of the country, he must
certainly know our families, which (howsoever mean our present appearance
might be) were none of the most obscure or inconsiderable. Then I discovered
our names, to which I found he was no stranger; he had known my grandfather
personally; and, notwithstanding an absence of fifty years from Scotland,
recounted so many particulars of the families in the neighbourhood, that my
scruples were entirely removed, and I thought myself happy in his acquaintance.
In the course of our conversation, I disclosed my condition without reserve, and
displayed my talents to such advantage, that the old father looked upon me with
admiration, and assured me, that, if I stayed in France, and listened to reason, I
could not fail of making my fortune, to which he would contribute all in his
power.
My uncle began to be jealous of the Priest’s insinuation, and very abruptly
declared, that if ever I should renounce my religion, he would break off all
connection and correspondence with me; for it was his opinion, that no honest
man would swerve from his principles in which he was bred, whether Turkish,
Protestant, or Roman. The father, affronted at this declaration, with great
vehemence began a long discourse, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and
shutting one’s eyes against the light. He said, that ignorance would be no plea
towards justification, when we had opportunities of being better informed; and,
that, if the minds of people had not been open to conviction, the Christian
religion could not have been propagated in the world, and we should now be in a
state of Pagan darkness and barbarity: he endeavoured to prove, by some texts of
Scripture and many quotations from the Fathers, that the Pope was the successor
of St. Peter, and vicar of Jesus Christ; that the church of Rome was the true,
holy, catholic church; and that the Protestant faith was an impious heresy and
damnable schism, by which many millions of souls would suffer everlasting
perdition. When he had finished his sermon, which I thought he pronounced with
more zeal than discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle, desired to know his
objections to what had been said. The lieutenant, whose attention had been
wholly engrossed by his own affairs, took the pipe out of his mouth, and replied,
“As for me, friend, d’ye see, I have no objection to what you say; it may be
either truth or false, for what I know; I meddle with nobody’s affairs but my
own; the gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to the helm, as the saying is. I
trust to no creed but the compass, and do unto every man as I would be done by;
so that I defy the Pope, the Devil, and the Pretender; and hope to be saved as
well as another.” This association of persons gave great offence to the friar, who
protested, in a mighty passion, that if Mr. Bowling had not been his countryman,
he would have caused him to be imprisoned for his insolence; I ventured to
disapprove of my uncle’s rashness, and appeased the old gentleman, by assuring
him there was no offence intended by my kinsman, who, by this time sensible of
his error, shook the injured party by the hand, and asked pardon for the freedom
he had taken. Matters being amicably compromised, he invited us to come and
see him in the afternoon at the convent to which he belonged, and took his leave
for the present; when my uncle recommended it strongly to me to persevere in
the religion of my forefathers, whatever advantages might propose to myself by
a change, which could not fail of disgracing myself, and dishonouring my
family. I assured him no consideration would induce me to forfeit his friendship
and good opinion on that score; at which assurance he discovered great
satisfaction, and put me in mind of dinner, which we immediately bespoke, and
when it was ready, ate together.
I imagined my acquaintance with the Scottish priest if properly managed,
might turn out to my advantage, and therefore resolved to cultivate it as much as
I could. With this view we visited him at his convent, according to his invitation,
where he treated us with wine and sweetmeats, and showed us everything that
was remarkable in the monastery. Having been thus entertained, we took our
leave, though not before I had promised to see him next day, and the time fixed
for my uncle’s embarking being come, I accompanied him to the harbour, and
saw him on board. We parted not without tears, after we had embraced and
wished one another all manner of prosperity: and he entreated me to write to him
often, directing to Lieutenant Bowling, at the sign of the Union Flag, near the
Hermitage, London.
I returned to the house in which we had met, where I passed the night in a
very solitary manner, reflecting on the severity of my fate, and endeavouring to
project some likely scheme of life for the future; but my invention failed me; I
saw nothing but insurmountable difficulties in my way, and was ready to despair
at the miserable prospect! That I might not, however, neglect any probable
reason, I got up in the morning, and went directly to the father, whose advice and
assistance I implored. He received me very kindly, and gave me to understand,
that there was one way of life in which a person of my talents could not fail of
making a great figure. I guessed his meaning, and told him, once for all, I was
fully determined against any alteration in point of religion; therefore if his
proposal regarded the church, he might save himself the trouble of explaining it.
He shook his head and sighed, saying, “Ah! son, son, what a glorious prospect is
here spoiled by your stubborn prejudice! Suffer yourself to be persuaded by
reason, and consult your temporal welfare, as well as the concerns of your
eternal soul. I can, by my interest procure your admission as a noviciate to this
convent, where I will superintend and direct you with a truly paternal affection.”
Then he launched out into the praises of a monastic life, which no noise disturbs,
no cares molest, and no danger invades—where the heart is weaned from carnal
attachments, the grosser appetite subdued and chastised, and the soul wafted to
divine regions of philosophy and truth, on the wing of studious contemplation.
But his eloquence was lost upon me, whom two considerations enabled to
withstand his temptation; namely, my promise to my uncle, and my aversion to
an ecclesiastical life; for as to the difference of religion, I looked upon it as a
thing of too small moment to come in competition with a man’s fortune. Finding
me immovable on this head, he told me, he was more sorry than offended at my
noncompliance, and still ready to employ his good offices in my behalf. “The
same erroneous maxims,” said he, “that obstruct your promotion in the church,
will infallibly prevent your advancement in the army; but, if you can brook the
condition of a servant, I am acquainted with some people of rank at Versailles, to
whom I can give you letters of recommendation, that you may be entertained by
some one of them in quality of maitre d’hotel; and I do not doubt that your
qualifications will soon entitle you to a better provision.” I embraced his offer
with great eagerness, and he appointed me to come back in the afternoon, when
he would not only give me letters, but likewise introduce me to a capuchin of his
acquaintance, who intended to set out for Paris next morning in whose company
I might travel, without being at the expense of one livre during the whole
journey. This piece of good news gave me infinite pleasure; I acknowledged my
obligation to the benevolent father in the most grateful expressions; and he
performed his promise to a tittle, in delivering the letters, and making me
acquainted with the capuchin, with whom I departed next morning by break of
day.
It was not long before I discovered my fellow traveller to be a merry facetious
fellow, who, notwithstanding his profession and appearance of mortification,
loved good eating and drinking better than his rosary, and paid more adoration to
a pretty girl than to the Virgin Mary, or St. Genevieve. He was a thick brawny
young man, with red eyebrows, a hook nose, a face covered with freckles; and
his name was Frere Balthazar. His order did not permit him to wear linen, so
that, having little occasion to undress himself, he was none of the cleanliest
animals in the world; and his constitution was naturally so strongly scented that I
always thought it convenient to keep to the windward of him in our march. As he
was perfectly well known on the road, we fared sumptuously without any cost,
and the fatigue of our journey was much alleviated by the good humour of my
companion, who sang an infinite number of catches on the subjects of love and
wine. We took up our lodging the first night at a peasant’s house not far from
Abbeville, where we were entertained with an excellent ragout, cooked by our
landlord’s daughters, one of whom was very handsome. After having eaten
heartily and drank a sufficient quantity of small wine, we were conducted to a
barn, where we found a couple of carpets spread upon clean straw for our
reception. We had not lain in this situation above half-an-hour, when we heard
somebody knock softly at the door, upon which Balthazar got up, and let in our
host’s two daughters, who wanted to have some private conversation with him in
the dark. When they had whispered together some time, the capuchin came to
me, and asked if I was insensible to love, and so hard-hearted as to refuse a share
of my bed to a pretty maid who had a tendre for me? I must own to my shame,
that I suffered myself to be overcome by my passion, and with great eagerness
seized the occasion, when I understood that the amiable Nanette was to be my
bedfellow. In vain did my reason suggest the respect that I owed to my dear
mistress Narcissa; the idea of that lovely charmer rather increased than allayed
the ferment of my spirits; and the young paysanne had no reason to complain of
my remembrance. Early in the morning, the kind creatures left us to our repose,
which lasted till eight o’clock when we got up, and were treated at breakfast
with chocolate and l’eau-de-vie by our paramours, of whom we took a tender
leave, after my companion had confessed and given them absolution.
While we proceeded on our journey, the conversation turned upon the night’s
adventure, being introduced by the capuchin, who asked me how I liked my
lodging; I declared my satisfaction, and talked in rapture of the agreeable
Nanette, at which he shook his head, and smiling said, she was a morceau pour
la bonne bouche. “I never valued myself,” continued he, “upon anything so
much as the conquest of Nanette; and, vanity apart, I have been pretty fortunate
in my amours.” This information shocked me not a little, as I was well
convinced of his intimacy with her sister; and though I did not care to tax him
with downright incest, I professed my astonishment at his last night’s choice,
when, I supposed, the other was at his devotion. To this hint he answered that,
besides his natural complaisance to the sex, he had another reason to distribute
his favours equally between them, namely, to preserve peace in the family,
which could not otherwise be maintained; that, moreover, Nanette had conceived
an affection for me, and he loved her too well to balk her inclination; more
especially, when he had an opportunity of obliging his friend at the same time. I
thanked him for this instance of his friendship, though I was extremely disgusted
at his want of delicacy, and cursed the occasion that threw me in his way.
Libertine as I was, I could not bear to see a man behave so wide of the character
he assumed. I looked upon him as a person of very little worth or honesty, and
should even have kept a wary eye upon my pocket, if I had thought he could
have had any temptation to steal. But I could not conceive the use of money to a
capuchin, who is obliged, by the rules of his order, to appear like a beggar, and
enjoy all other necessaries of life gratis; besides, my fellow traveller seemed to
be of a complexion too careless and sanguine to give me any apprehension on
that score; so that I proceeded with great confidence, in expectation of being
soon at my journey’s end.
 CHAPTER XLIII

We lodge at a House near Amiens, where I am robbed by the

Capuchin, who escapes while I am asleep—I go to Noyons in
search of him, but without Success—make my Condition known
to several People, but find no Relief—grow desperate—find a
Company of Soldiers—Enlist in the Regiment of Picardy—we
are ordered into Germany—I find the Fatigues of the March
almost intolerable—Quarrel with my Comrade in a dispute
about Politics—he challenges me to the Field—wounds and
disarms me

The third night of our pilgrimage we passed at a house near Amiens, where
being unknown, we supped upon indifferent fare and sour wine, and were fain to
be in a garret upon an old mattress, which, I believe had been in the possession
of ten thousand myriads of fleas time out of mind. We did not invade their
territory with impunity; in less than a minute we were attacked by stings
innumerable, in spite of which, however, I fell fast asleep, being excessively
fatigued with our day’s march, and did not wake till nine next morning, when,
seeing myself alone, I started up in a terrible fright, and, examining my pockets,
found my presaging fear too true! My companion had made free with my cash,
and left me to seek my way to Paris by myself! I ran down stairs immediately;
and, with a look full of grief and amazement, inquired for the mendicant, who,
they gave me to understand, had set out four hours before, after having told them
I was a little indisposed, and desired I might not be disturbed, but be informed
when I should wake, that he had taken the road to Noyons, where he would wait
for my coming, at the Coq d’Or. I spoke not a word, but with a heavy heart
directed my course to that place, at which I arrived in the afternoon, fainting
with weariness and hunger; but learned to my utter confusion, that no such
person had been there! It was happy for me that I had a good deal of resentment
in my constitution, which animated me on such occasions against the villainy of
mankind, and enabled me to bear misfortunes, otherwise intolerable. Boiling
with indignation, I discovered to the host my deplorable condition, and
inveighed with great bitterness against the treachery of Balthazar; at which he
shrugged up his shoulders, and with a peculiar grimace on his countenance, said,
he was sorry for my misfortune, but there was no remedy like patience. At that
instant some guests arrived, to whom he hastened to offer his service, leaving me
mortified at his indifference, and fully persuaded that an innkeeper is the same
sordid animal all the world over.
While I stood in the porch forlorn and undetermined, venting ejaculations of
curses against the thief who had robbed me, and the old priest who
recommended him to my friendship, a young gentleman richly dressed, attended
by a valet de chambre and two servants in livery, arrived at the inn. I thought I
perceived a great deal of sweetness and good-nature in his countenance;
therefore he had no sooner alighted than I accosted him, and, in a few words,
explained my situation: he listened with great politeness, and, when I made an
end of my story, said, “Well, monsieur, what would you have me to do?” I was
effectually abashed at this interrogation, which, I believe, no man of common
sense or generosity could make, and made no other compliment than a low bow:
he returned the compliment still lower, and tripped into an apartment, while the
landlord let me know that my standing there to interrupt company gave offence,
and might do him infinite prejudice. He had no occasion to repeat his
insinuation; I moved from the place immediately, and was so much transported
with grief, anger, and disdain, that a torrent of blood gushed from my nostrils. In
this ecstacy, I quitted Noyons, and betook myself to the fields, where I wandered
about like one distracted, till my spirits were quite exhausted, and I was obliged
to throw myself down at the root of a tree, to rest my wearied limbs. Here my
rage forsook me: I began to feel the importunate cravings of nature, and relapsed
into silent sorrow and melancholy reflection. I revolved all the crimes I had been
guilty of and found them too few and venial, that I could not comprehend the
justice of that Providence, which, after having exposed me to so much
wretchedness and danger, left me a prey to famine at last in a foreign country,
where I had not one friend or acquaintance to close my eyes, and do the last
offices of humanity to my miserable carcass. A thousand times I wished myself a
bear, that I might retreat to woods and deserts, far from the inhospitable haunts
of man, where I could live by my own talents, independent of treacherous
friends and supercilious scorn.
As I lay in this manner, groaning over my hapless fate, I heard the sound of a
violin, and raising my head, perceived a company of men and women dancing
on the grass at some distance from me. I looked upon this to be a favourable
season for distress to attract compassion, when every selfish thought is banished,
and the heart dilated with mirth and social joy; wherefore I got up, and
approached those happy people, whom I soon discovered to be a party of
soldiers, with their wives and children, unbending and diverting themselves at
this rate, after the fatigue of a march. I had never before seen such a parcel of
scarecrows together, neither could I reconcile their meagre and gaunt looks, their
squalid and ragged attire, and every other external symptom of extreme woe,
with this appearance of festivity. I saluted them, however, and was received with
great politeness; after which they formed a ring, and danced around me. This
jollity had a wonderful effect upon my spirits. I was infected with their gaiety,
and in spite of my dismal situation, forgot my cares, and joined in their
extravagance. When we had recreated ourselves a good while at this diversion,
the ladies spread their manteaus on the ground, upon which they emptied their
knapsacks of some onions, coarse bread, and a few flasks of poor wine: being
invited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and, in the whole
course of my life, never made a more comfortable meal. When our repast was
ended, we got up again to dance, and, now that I found myself refreshed I
behaved to the admiration of everybody; I was loaded with a thousand
compliments and professions of friendship: the men commended my person and
agility, and the women were loud in the praise of my bonne grace; the sergeant
in particular expressed so much regard for me, and described the pleasures of a
soldier’s life to me with so much art, that I began to listen to his proposal of
enlisting me in the service; and the more I considered my own condition, the
more I was convinced of the necessity I was under to come to a speedy
determination.
Having, therefore, maturely weighed the circumstances pro and con I signified
my consent, and was admitted into the regiment of Picardy, said to be the oldest
corps in Europe. The company to which this commander belonged was quartered
at a village not far off, whither we marched next day, and I was presented to my
captain, who seemed very well pleased with my appearance, gave me a crown to
drink, and ordered me to be accommodated with clothes, arms, and
accoutrements. Then I sold my livery suit, purchased linen, and, as I was at great
pains to learn the exercise, in a very short time became a complete soldier.
It was not long before we received orders to join several more regiments, and
march with all expedition into Germany, in order to reinforce Mareschal Duc de
Noailles, who was then encamped with his army on the side of the river Mayne,
to watch the motions of the English, Hanoverians, Austrians, and Hessians,
under the command of the Earl of Stair. We began our march accordingly, and
then I became acquainted with that part of a soldier’s life to which I had been
hitherto a stranger. It is impossible to describe the hunger and thirst I sustained,
and the fatigue I underwent in a march of so many hundred miles; during which,
I was so much chafed with the heat and motion of my limbs, that in a very short
time the inside of my thighs and legs were deprived of skin, and I proceeded in
the utmost torture. This misfortune I owed to the plumpness of my constitution,
which I cursed, and envied the withered condition of my comrades, whose
bodies could not spare juice enough to supply a common issue, and were indeed
proof against all manner of friction. The continual pain I felt made me fretful,
and my peevishness was increased by the mortification of my pride in seeing
those miserable wretches, whom a hard gale of wind would have scattered
through the air like chaff, bear those toils with alacrity under which I was ready
to sink.
One day, while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers with their wives had gone
out to dance, according to custom, my comrade stayed at home with me on
pretence of friendship, and insulted me with his pity and consolation! He told me
that, though I was young and tender at present, I should soon be seasoned to the
service; and he did not doubt but I should have the honour to contribute in some
measure to the glory of the king. “Have courage, therefore, my child,” said he,
“and pray to the good God, that you may be as happy as I am, who have had the
honour of serving Louis the Great, and of receiving many wounds, in helping to
establish his glory.” When I looked upon the contemptible object that
pronounced these words, I was amazed at the infatuation that possessed him; and
could not help expressing my astonishment at the absurdity of a rational who
thinks himself highly honoured, in being permitted to encounter abject poverty,
oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, and evident death merely to gratify the
vicious ambition of a prince, by whom his sufferings were disregarded, and his
name utterly unknown. I observed that, if his situation were the consequence of
compulsion, I would praise his patience and fortitude in bearing his lot: if he had
taken up arms in defence of his injured country, he was to be applauded for his
patriotism: or if he had fled to this way of life as a refuge from a greater evil, he
was justifiable in his own conscience (though I could have no notion of misery
more extreme than he suffered); but to put his condition on the footing of
conducing to the glory of his prince, was no more than professing himself a
desperate slave, who voluntarily underwent the utmost wretchedness and peril,
and committed the most flagrant crimes, to soothe the barbarous pride of a
fellow-creature, his superior in nothing but the power he derived from the
submission of such wretches as him. The soldier was very much affronted at the
liberty I took with his king, which, he said, nothing but my ignorance could
excuse: he affirmed that the characters of princes were sacred, and ought not to
be profaned by the censure of their subjects, who were bound by their allegiance
to obey their commands, of what nature soever, without scruple or repining; and
advised me to correct the rebellious principles I had imbibed among the English,
who, for their insolence to their kings, were notorious all over the world, even to
a proverb.
In vindication of my countrymen, I repeated all the arguments commonly used
to prove that every man has a natural right to liberty; that allegiance and
protection are reciprocal; that, when the mutual tie is broken by the tyranny of
the king, he is accountable to the people for his breach of contract, and subject to
the penalties of the law; and that those insurrections of the English, which are
branded with the name of rebellion by the slaves of arbitrary power, were no
other than glorious efforts to rescue that independence which was their
birthright, from the ravenous claws of usurping ambition. The Frenchman,
provoked at the little deference I paid to the kingly name, lost all patience, and
reproached me in such a manner that my temper forsook me, I clenched my fist,
with an intention to give him a hearty box on the ear. Perceiving my design, he
started back and demanded a parley; upon which I checked my indignation, and
he gave me to understand that a Frenchman never forgave a blow; therefore, if I
were not weary of my life, I would do well to spare him that mortification, and
do him the honour of measuring his sword with mine, like a gentleman. I took
his advice and followed him to a field hard by, where indeed I was ashamed at
the pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a poor little shivering creature,
decrepit with age, and blind of one eye. But I soon found the folly of judging
from appearances; being at the second pass wounded in the sword hand, and
immediately disarmed with such a jerk, that I thought the joint was dislocated. I
was no less confounded than enraged at this event, especially as my adversary
did not bear his success with all the moderation that might have been expected;
for he insisted upon my asking pardon for affronting his king and him. This
proposal I would by no means comply with, but told him, it was a mean
condescension, which no gentleman in his circumstances ought to propose, nor
any in my situation ought to perform; and that, if he persisted in his ungenerous
demand, I would in my turn claim satisfaction with my musket, when we should
be more upon a par than with the sword, of which he seemed so much master.
 CHAPTER XLIV
In order to be revenged, I learn the Science of Defence—we join
Mareschal Duc de Noailles, are engaged with the Allies of
Dettingen, and put to flight—the behaviour of the French
soldiers on that occasion—I industriously seek another combat
with the old Gascon, and vanquish him in my turn—our
regiment is put into Winter Quarters at Rheims, where I find my
friend Strap—our Recognition—he supplies me with Money,
and procures my Discharge—we take a trip to Paris; from
whence, by the way of Flanders, we set out for London; where
we safely arrive

He was disconcerted at this declaration, to which he made no reply, but

repaired to the dancers, among whom he recounted his victory with many
exaggerations and gasconades; while I, taking up my sword, went to my
quarters, and examined my wound, which I found was of no consequence. The
same day an Irish drummer, having heard of my misfortune, visited me, and after
having condoled me on the chance of war, gave me to understand, that he was
master of the sword, and would in a very short time instruct me so thoroughly in
that noble science, that I should be able to chastise the old Gascon for his
insolent boasting at my expense. This friendly office he proffered on pretence of
the regard he had for his countrymen; but I afterwards learned the true motive
was no other than a jealousy he entertained of a correspondence between the
Frenchman and his wife, which he did not think proper to resent in person. Be
this as it will, I accepted his offer and practised his lessons with such application,
that I soon believed myself a match for my conqueror. In the meantime we
continued our march, and arrived at the Camp of Mareschal Noailles the night
before the battle at Dettingen: notwithstanding the fatigue we had undergone,
our regiment was one of those that were ordered next day to cross the river,
under the command of the Duc de Grammont, to take possession of a narrow
defile, through which the allies must of necessity have passed at a great
disadvantage, or remain where they were, and perish for want of provision, if
they would not condescend to surrender at discretion. How they suffered
themselves to be pent up in this manner it is not my province to relate; I shall
only observe that, when we had taken possession of our ground, I heard an old
officer in conversation with another express a surprise at the conduct of Lord
Stair, who had the reputation of a good general. But it seems, at this time, that
nobleman was overruled, and only acted in an inferior character; so that no part
of the blame could be imputed to him, who declared his disapprobation of the
step, in consequence of which the whole army was in the utmost danger; but
Providence or destiny acted miracles in their behalf, by disposing the Duc de
Grammont to quit his advantageous post, pass the defile, and attack the English,
who were drawn up in order of battle on the plain, and who handled us so
roughly that, after having lost a great number of men, we turned our backs
without ceremony, and fled with such precipitation that many hundreds perished
in the river through pure fear and confusion: for the enemy were so generous
that they did not pursue us one inch of ground; and, if our consternation would
have permitted, we might have retreated with great order and deliberation. But,
notwithstanding the royal clemency of the king of Great Britain, who headed the
allies in person, and, no doubt, put a stop to the carnage, our loss amounted to
five thousand men, among whom were many officers of distinction. Our
miscarriage opened a passage for the foe to Haynau, whither they immediately
marched, leaving their sick and wounded to the care of the French, who next day
took possession of the field of battle, buried the dead, and treated the living with
humanity.
This circumstance was a great consolation to us, who thence took occasion to
claim the victory; and the genius of the French nation never appeared more
conspicuous than now, in the rhodomontades they uttered on the subject of their
generosity and courage. Every man (by his own account) performed feats that
eclipsed all the heroes of antiquity. One compared himself to a lion retiring at
leisure from his cowardly pursuers, who keep at a wary distance, and gall him
with their darts. Another likened himself to a bear that retreats with his face to
the enemy, who dare not assail him; and the third assumed the character of a
desperate stag, that turns upon the hounds and keeps them at bay. There was not
a private soldier engaged who had not by the prowess of his single arm
demolished a whole platoon, or put a squadron of horse to flight; and, among
others, the meagre Gascon extolled his exploits above those of Hercules or
Charlemagne. As I still retained my resentment for the disgrace I suffered in my
last rencontre with him, and, now that I thought myself qualified, longed for an
opportunity to retrieve my honour, I magnified the valour of the English with all
the hyperboles I could imagine, and described the pusillanimity of the French in
the same style, comparing them to hares flying before greyhounds, or mice
pursued by cats; and passed an ironical compliment on the speed he exerted in
his flight, which, considering his age and infirmities I said was surprising. He
was stung to the quick by this sarcasm, and, with an air of threatening disdain,
bade me know myself better, and remember the correction I had already received
from him for my insolence; for he might not always be in the humour of sparing
a wretch who abused his goodness. To this inuendo I made no reply but by a
kick on the breech, which overturned him in an instant. He started up with
wonderful agility, and, drawing his sword, attacked me with great fury. Several
people interposed, but, when he informed them of its being an affair of honour,
they retired, and left us to decide the battle by ourselves. I sustained his onset
with little damage, having only received a small scratch on my right shoulder,
and, seeing his breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted him in my turn,
closed with him, and wrested his sword out of his hand in the struggle. Having
thus acquired the victory, I desired him to beg his life; to which demand he made
no answer, but shrugged up his shoulders to his ears, expanded his hands,
elevated the skin on his forehead and eyebrows, and depressed the corners of his
mouth in such a manner, that I could scarce refrain from laughing aloud at his
grotesque appearance. That I might, however, mortify his vanity, which
triumphed without bounds over my misfortune, I thrust his sword up to the hilt
in something (it was not a tansy), that lay smoking on the plain, and joined the
rest of the soldiers with an air of tranquillity and indifference.
There was nothing more of moment attempted by either of the armies during
the remaining part of the campaign, which being ended, the English marched
back to the Netherlands; part of our army was detached to French Flanders, and
our regiment ordered into winter quarters in Champagne. It was the fate of the
grenadier company, to which I now belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I found
myself in the utmost want of everything, my pay, which amounted to five sols a
day, far from supplying me with necessaries, being scarce sufficient to procure a
wretched subsistence to keep soul and body together; so that I was, by hunger
and hard duty, brought down to the meagre condition of my fellow-soldiers, and
my linen reduced from three tolerable shirts to two pair of sleeves and necks, the
bodies having been long ago converted into spatterdaches; and after all, I was
better provided than any private man in the regiment. In this urgency of my
affairs, I wrote to my uncle in England, though my hopes from that quarter were
not at all sanguine, for the reasons I have already explained; and in the meantime
had recourse to my old remedy patience, consoling myself with the flattering
suggestions of a lively imagination, that never abandoned me in my distress.
One day, while I stood sentinel at the gate of a general officer, a certain
nobleman came to the door, followed by a gentleman in mourning, to whom, at
parting, I heard him say, “You may depend upon my good offices.” This
assurance was answered by a low bow of the person in black, who, turning to go
away, discovered to me the individual countenance of my old friend and
adherent Strap. I was so much astonished at the sight, that I lost the power of
utterance, and, before I could recollect myself, he was gone without taking any
notice of me. Indeed, had he stayed, I scarcely should have ventured to accost
him; because, though I was perfectly well acquainted with the features of his
face, I could not be positively certain as to the rest of his person, which was very
much altered for the better since he left me at London, neither could I conceive
by which means he was enabled to appear in the sphere of a gentleman, to
which, while I knew him, he had not even the ambition to aspire. But I was too
much concerned in the affair to neglect further information, and therefore took
the first opportunity of asking the porter if he knew the gentleman to whom the
marquis spoke. The Swiss told me his name was Monsieur d’Estrapes, that he
had been valet-de-chambre to an English gentleman lately deceased, and that he
was very much regarded by the marquis for his fidelity to his master, between
whom and that nobleman a very intimate friendship had subsisted. Nothing
could be more agreeable to me than this piece of intelligence, which banished all
doubt of its being my friend, who had found means to frenchify his name as well
as his behaviour since we parted. As soon, therefore, as I was relieved, I went to
his lodging, according to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the good
fortune to find him at home. That I might surprise him the more, I concealed my
name and business, and only desired the servant of the house to tell Monsieur
d’Estrapes that I begged the honour of half-an-hour’s conversation with him. He
was confounded and dismayed at this message, when he understood it was sent
by a soldier; though he was conscious to himself of no crime, all that he had
heard of the Bastille appeared to his imagination with aggravated horror, but it
was not before I had waited a considerable time that he had resolution enough to
bid the servant show me up-stairs.
When I entered his chamber, he returned my bow with great civility, and
endeavoured, with forced complaisance, to disguise his fear, which appeared in
the paleness of his face, the wildness of his looks, and the shaking of his limbs. I
was diverted at his consternation, which redoubled, when I told him in French, I
had business for his private ear and demanded a particular audience. The valet
being withdrawn, I asked in the same language if his name was d’Estrapes, to
which he answered with a faltering tongue, “The same, at your service.” “Are
you a Frenchman?” Said I. “I have not the honour of being a Frenchman born,”
replied he, “but I have an infinite veneration for the country.” I then desired he
would do me the honour to look at me, which he no sooner did than, struck with
my appearance, he started back, and cried in English, “O Jesus!—sure it can’t!
No ’tis impossible!” I smiled at his interjections, saying, “I suppose you are too
much of a gentleman to own your friend in adversity.” When he heard me
pronounce these words in our own language, he leaped upon me in a transport of
joy, hung about my neck, kissed me from ear to ear, and blubbered like a great
schoolboy who had been whipped. Then, observing my dress, he set up his
throat, crying, “O Lord! O Lord! that ever I should live to see my dearest friend
reduced to the condition of a foot soldier in the French service! Why did you
consent to my leaving you?—but I know the reason—you thought you had got
more creditable friends, and grew ashamed of my acquaintance. Ah! Lord help
us! though I was a little short-sighted, I was not altogether blind: and though I
did not complain, I was not the less sensible of your unkindness, which was
indeed the only thing that induced me to ramble abroad, the Lord knows
whither; but I must own it has been a lucky ramble for me, and so I forgive you,
and may God forgive you! O Lord! Lord! is it come to this?” I was nettled at the
charge, which, though just, I could not help thinking unseasonable, and told him
with some tartness that, whether his suspicions were well or ill grounded, he
might have chosen a more convenient opportunity of introducing them; and that
the question now was whether or no he found himself disposed to lend me any
assistance. “Disposed!” replied he with great emotion; “I thought you had
known me so well as to assure yourself without asking, that I, and all that
belongs to me, are at your command. In the meantime you shall dine with me,
and I will tell you something that, perhaps, will not be displeasing unto you.”
Then, wringing my hand, he said, “It makes my heart bleed to see you in that
garb!” I thanked him for his invitation, which, I observed, could not be
unwelcome to a person who had not eaten a comfortable meal these seven
months; but I had another request to make, which I begged he would grant
before dinner, and that was the loan of a shirt; for although my back had been
many weeks a stranger to any comfort of that kind, my skin was not yet
familiarised to the want of it. He stared in my face, with a woful countenance, at
this declaration, which he could scarce believe, until I explained it by
unbuttoning my coat and disclosing my naked body—a circumstance which
shocked the tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his eyes, ran to a chest of
drawers, and taking out some linen, presented to me a very fine ruffled Holland
shirt and cambric neckcloth, assuring me he had three dozen of the same kind at
my service.
I was ravished at this piece of good news and, having accommodated myself
in a moment, hugged my benefactor for his generous offer, saying, I was
overjoyed to find him undebauched by prosperity, which seldom fails to corrupt
the heart. He bespoke for dinner some soup and bouilli, a couple of pullets
roasted, and a dish of asparagus, and in the interim entertained me with biscuit
and Burgundy, after which repast he entreated me to gratify his longing desire of
knowing every circumstance of my fortune since his departure from London.
This request I complied with, beginning at the adventure of Gawky, and relating
every particular event in which I had been concerned from that day to the
present hour. During the recital, my friend was strongly affected, according to
the various situations described. He stared with surprise, glowed with
indignation, gaped with curiosity, smiled with pleasure, trembled with fear, and
wept with sorrow, as the vicissitudes of my life inspired these different passions;
and, when my story was ended, signified his amazement on the whole, by lifting
up his eyes and hands and protesting that, though I was a young man, had
suffered more than all the blessed martyrs.
 After dinner, I desired in my turn to know the particulars of his peregrination,
and he satisfied me in a few words, by giving me to understand that he had lived
a year at Paris with his master, who, in that time having acquired the language,
as well as the fashionable exercises to perfection, made a tour of France and
Holland, during which excursion he was so unfortunate as to meet with three of
his own countrymen on their travels, in whose company he committed such
excesses, that his constitution failed, and he fell into a consumption; that by the
advice of physicians, he went to Montpelier for the benefit of good air, and
recovered so well in six weeks, that he returned to Rheims seemingly in good
health, where he had not continued above a month, when he was seized with a
looseness that carried him off in ten days, to the unspeakable sorrow of all who
knew him and especially of Strap, who had been very happy in his service, and
given such satisfaction, that his master, on his death-bed recommended him to
several persons of distinction for his diligence, sobriety, and affection, and left
him by will his wearing apparel, gold watch, sword, rings, ready money, and all
the moveables he had in France, to the value of three hundred pounds “which I
now,” said he, “in the sight of God and man, surrender to your absolute disposal:
here are my keys; take them, I beseech you, and God give you joy of the
possession.” My brain was almost turned by this sudden change of fortune,
which I could scarce believe real: however, I positively refused this extravagant
proffer of my friend, and put him in mind of my being a soldier; at which hint he
started, crying, “Odso! that’s true! we must procure your discharge. I have some
interest with a nobleman who is able to do me that favour.”
We consulted about this affair, and it was determined that Monsieur
d’Estrapes should wait upon the Marquis in the morning, and tell him he had by
accident found his brother, whom he had not seen for many years before, a
private soldier in the regiment of Picardy, and implore that nobleman’s interest
for his discharge. In the meantime, we enjoyed ourselves over a bottle of good
Burgundy, and spent the evening in concerting schemes for our future conduct,
in case I should be so lucky as to get rid of the army. The business was to make
ourselves easy for life by means of his legacy, a task very difficult, and, in the
usual methods of laying out money, altogether impracticable, so that, after much
canvassing, we could come to no resolution that night, but when we parted,
recommended the matter to the serious attention of each other. As for my own
part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose. When I thought of turning
merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk of seas, enemies, and markets,
deterred me from that scheme. If I should settle as a surgeon in my own country,
I would find the business already overstocked; or, if I pretended to set up in
England, must labour under want of friends and powerful opposition, obstacles
insurmountable by the most shining merit: neither should I succeed in my
endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither flatter nor pimp for
courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence of a wicked and contemptible
administration. Before I could form any feasible project, I fell asleep, and my
fancy was blest with the image of the dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile upon
my passion, and offer her hand as a reward for all my toils.
Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I found
exulting over his happy invention! for I no sooner entered his apartment, than he
addressed himself to me in these words, with a smile of self-applause: “Well, Mr.
Random, a lucky thought may come into a fool’s head sometimes. I have hit it—
I’ll hold you a button my plan is better than yours, for all your learning. But you
shall have the preference in this as in all other things; therefore proceed, and let
us know the effects of your meditation; and then I will impart my own simple
excogitations.” I told him, that not one thought had occurred to me which
deserved the least notice, and signified my impatience to be acquainted with the
fruits of his reflection. “As we have not,” said he, “money sufficient to maintain
us during a tedious expectation, it is my opinion that a bold push must be made;
and I see none so likely to succeed as your appearing in the character of a
gentleman (which is your due), and making your addresses to some lady of
fortune, who can render you independent at once. Nay, don’t stare—I affirm that
this scheme is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have you throw
yourself away upon an old toothless wheezing dame, whose breath would stink
you into a consumption in less than three months, neither would I advise you to
assume the character of a wealthy squire, as your common fortune-hunters do,
by which means many a poor lady is cheated into matrimony, and instead of
enjoying the pomp and grandeur that was promised, sees her dowry seized by
her husband’s rapacious creditors, and herself reduced to misery and despair. No,
I know you have a soul that disdains such imposition; and are master of
qualifications, both of mind and body, which alone entitle you to a match that
will set you above the world. I have clothes in my possession that a duke need
not be ashamed to wear. I believe they will fit you as they are, if not there are
plenty of tailors in France. Let us take a short trip to Paris, and provide ourselves
with all other necessaries, then set out for England, where I intend to do myself
the honour of attending you in quality of a valet. This expedient will save you
the expense of a servant, shaving, and dressing; and I doubt not but, by the
blessing of God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and fortunate issue.”
Extravagant as this proposal was, I listened to it with pleasure, because it
flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I began to entertain of
inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame.
After breakfast, Monsieur d’Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the marquis,
and was so successful in his application, that I obtained a discharge in a few
days, upon which we set out for Paris. Here I had time to reflect and congratulate
myself upon this sudden transition of fate, which to bear with moderation
required some degree of philosophy and self-denial. This truth will be more
obvious, if I give a detail of the particulars, to the quiet possession of which I
was raised in an instant, from the most abject misery and contempt. My
wardrobe consisted of five fashionable coats full mounted, two of which were
plain, one of cut velvet, one trimmed with gold, and another with silver lace, two
frocks, one of white drab, with large plate buttons, the other of blue with gold
binding; one waistcoat of gold brocade; one of blue satin, embroidered with
silver; one of green silk, trimmed with figured broad gold lace; one of black silk,
with fringes; one of white satin, one of black cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair of
cloth breeches; one pair of crimson, and another of black velvet; twelve pair of
white silk stockings, as many of black silk, and the same number of white
cotton; one hat, laced with gold point d’Espagne, another with silver lace
scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a fourth plain; three dozen of fine
ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one dozen of cambric handkerchiefs, and the
like number of silk. The other moveables, which I possessed by the generosity
and friendship of Strap, were a gold watch with a chased case, two valuable
diamond rings, two mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a fourth cut
steel inlaid with gold, a diamond stock buckle, and a set of stone buckles for the
knees and shoes; a pair of silver-mounted pistols with rich housings; a gold-
headed cane, and a snuff-box of tortoiseshell, mounted with gold, having the
picture of a lady in the top. The gentleman left many other things of value,
which my friend had converted into cash before I met with him; so that, over and
above these particulars, our stock in ready money amounted to something more
than two hundred pounds.
Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of figure, and, attended by my honest
friend, who was contented with the station of my valet, visited the Louvre,
examined the gallery of Luxembourg, and appeared at Versailles, where I had the
honour of seeing his Most Christian Majesty eat a considerable quantity of
olives. During the month I spent at Paris, I went several times to court, the
Italian comedy, opera, and playhouse, danced at a masquerade, and, in short, saw
everything remarkable in and about that capital. Then we set out for England by
the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels, Ghent, and Bruges, and took
shipping at Ostend, from whence, in fourteen hours, we arrived at Deal, hired a
postchaise, and in twelve hours more got safe to London, having disposed of our
heavy baggage in the waggon.
 CHAPTER XLV
I inquire for my Uncle, and understand he is gone to sea—take
Lodgings at Charing Cross—go to the Play, where I meet with
an adventure—Dine at an ordinary—the Guests described—
become acquainted with Medlar and Doctor Wagtail

As soon as we alighted at the inn, I dispatched Strap to inquire for my uncle at

the Union Flag in Wapping; and he returned in a little time, with an account of
Mr. Bowling’s having gone to sea, mate of a merchant ship, after a long and
unsuccessful application attendance at the Admiralty; where, it seems, the
interest he depended upon was not sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the pay
that was due to him when he quitted the Thunder.
Next day I hired very handsome lodgings not far from Charing Cross; and in
the evening dressed myself in a plain suit of the true Paris cut, and appeared in a
front box at the play, where I saw a good deal of company, and was vain enough
to believe that I was observed with an uncommon degree of attention and
applause. This silly conceit intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of a
thousand ridiculous coquetries; and I dare say, how favourable soever the
thoughts of the company might be at my first appearance, they were soon
changed by my absurd behaviour into pity or contempt. I rose and sat down,
covered and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts; pulled out my
watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it the hearing again;
displayed my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, that I might have all opportunity
of showing my brilliant, and wiped my nose with perfumed handkerchief; then
dangled my cane, and adjusted my sword-knot, and acted many more fooleries
of the same kind, in hopes of obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, in the
acquiring of which I found two considerable obstructions in my disposition—
namely, a natural reserve and jealous sensibility. Fain would I have entered into
conversation with the people around me: but I was restrained by the fear of
being censured for my assurance, as well as by reflecting that I was more entitled
to a compliment of this kind from them, than they to such condescension from a
stranger like me. How often did I redden at the frequent whispers and loud
laughter of my fellow beaux, which I imagined were excited by me; and how
often did I envy the happy indifference of those choice spirits, who behold the
distress of the scene without discovering the least symptom of approbation or
concern. My attention was engaged in spite of myself, and I could not help
weeping with the heroine of the stage, though I practised a great many shifs to
conceal this piece of unpolite weakness.
When the play was ended, I sat waiting for an opportunity of handing some
lady to her coach; but everyone was attended by such a number of officious
gallants, that for a long time I was balked in my expectation. At length, however,
I perceived a very handsome creature, genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a
box, at some distance from me; upon which I went up to her, and offered my
service. She seemed to be in some confusion, thanked me for my complaisance,
and with a tender look declined giving me the trouble: looking at her watch, and
testifying her surprise at the negligence of her footman whom she had ordered to
have a chair ready for her at that hour. I repeated my entreaty with all the
eloquence and compliment I was master of; and, in the event, she was prevailed
upon to accept of a proposal I made, to send my servant for a chair or coach:
accordingly, Strap was detached for that purpose, and returned without success.
By this time the playhouse was quite empty, and we were obliged to retire. As I
led her through the passage, I observed five or six young fellows of fashion
standing in a corner, one of whom, as I thought, tipped my charmer the wink,
and when we were passed, I heard a loud laugh. This note aroused my attention,
and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this lady’s character, before I should
have any nearer connection with her. As no convenience appeared, I proposed to
conduct her to a tavern, where we might stay a few minutes, until my servant
could fetch a coach from the Strand. She seemed particularly shy of trusting
herself in a tavern with a stranger, but at last yielded to my pathetic
remonstrances, rather than endanger her health by remaining in a cold, damp
thoroughfare. Having thus far succeeded, I begged to know what wine she would
be pleased to drink a glass of; but she professed the greatest aversion to all sorts
of strong liquors, and it was with much difficulty that I could persuade her to eat
a jelly.
In the meantime, I endeavoured to alleviate the uneasiness she discovered, by
saying all the agreeable things I could think of; at which she would often sigh,
and regard me with a languishing look, that seemed, however, too near akin to
the lewd leer of a courtesan. This discovery added to my former suspicion, while
it put me upon my guard against her arts, divested me of reserve, and enabled me
to entertain her with gaiety and freedom. In the course of our conversation, I
pressed her to allow me the honour of waiting upon her next day at her lodgings,
a request which she, with many apologues, refused, lest it should give umbrage
to Sir John, who was of a disposition apt to be fretted with trifles. This
information, by which I was to understand that her husband was a knight, did not
check my addresses, which became more and more importunate, and I was even
hardy enough to ravish a kiss. But, O heavens! instead of banqueting on the
ambrosial flavour, that her delicacy of complexion promised, I was almost
suffocated with the steams of Geneva! An exhalation of this kind, from a mouth
which had just before declared an utter abhorrence of all spirituous liquors, not
only changed my doubts into certainty, but my raptures into loathing; and it
would have been impossible for me to have preserved common complaisance
five minutes longer, when my servant returned with a coach. I took the
advantage of this occasion, and presented my hand to the lady, who put in
practice against me the whole artillery of her charms, ogling, languishing,
sighing, and squeezing, with so little reserve that Strap perceived her tenderness,
and rubbed his hands with joy as he followed us to the door; but I was proof
against all her endearments, and handed her into the coach with an intention to
take my leave immediately. She guessed my design, and invited me to her house,
whispering, that now Sir John was gone to bed, she could have the pleasure of
my conversation for half-an-hour without interruption. I told her there was no
mortification I would not undergo, rather than endanger the repose of her
ladyship; and, bidding the coachman drive on, wished her a good night. She lost
all temper at my indifference, and, stopping the coach, at the distance of about
twenty yards from me, popped out her head, and howled with the lungs of a
fishwoman, “D—n you, you dog, won’t you pay the coach-hire?” As I made no
answer, she held forth against me with an eloquence peculiar to herself; calling
me pitifull fellow, scoundrel, and a hundred such appellations; concluding with
an oath, that, for all my appearance, she believed I had got no money in my
pocket.
Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered her coachman to proceed, and
I returned to the tavern, where I bespoke something for supper, very well pleased
at the issue of this adventure. I dispensed with the attendance of the waiter at
table, on pretence that my own servant was present, and, when we were alone,
said to Strap, “Well, Monsieur d’Estrapes, what d’ye think of this lady?” My
friend, who had not opened his mouth since her departure, could make no other
reply than the monosyllable “Think!” which he pronounced with a note of fear
and astonishment. Surprised at this emphasis, I surveyed my valet, and,
perceiving a wildness in his looks, asked if he had seen his grandfather’s ghost?
“Ghost!” said he, “I am sure I have seen a devil incarnate! Who would have
thought that so much devilish malice and Billingsgate could lurk under so much
sweetness of countenance and modesty of behaviour? Ah! God help us! Fronti
nulla fides—nimium ne crede colori—but we ought to down on our knees, and
bless God for delivering us from the jaws of that painted sepulchre!” I was pretty
much of Strap’s opinion, and, though I did not believe myself in any danger
from the allurements of that sisterhood, I determined to act with great
circumspection for the future, and shun all commerce of that kind, as equally
prejudicial to my purse and constitution.
My next care was to introduce myself into a set of good acquaintance: for
which purpose I frequented a certain coffee-house, noted for the resort of good
company, English as well as foreigners, where my appearance procured all the
civilities and advances I could desire. As there was an ordinary in the same
house, I went upstairs to dinner with the other guests, and found myself at a table
with thirteen people, the greatest part of whom were better dressed than myself.
The conversation, which was mostly carried on in French, turned chiefly on
politics; and I soon found the whole company were in the French interest, myself
excepted, and a testy old gentleman, who contradicted everything that was
advanced in favour of his Most Christian Majesty, with a surliness truly English.
But this trusty patriot, who had never been out of his own country, and drew all
his maxims and notions from prejudice and hearsay, was very unequal to his
antagonists, who were superior to him in learning and experience, and often took
the liberty of travellers in asserting things which were not strictly true, because
they thought themselves in no danger of being detected by him. The claim of the
Queen Of Spain to the Austrian dominions in Italy was fully explained and
vindicated, by a person who sat opposite to me, and, by the solemnity of his
manner and the richness of his apparel, seemed to be a foreign ambassador. This
dissertation produced another on the Pragmatic Sanction, handled with great
warmth by a young gentleman at my right hand, dressed in a green frock,
trimmed with gold, who justified the French king for his breach of that contract;
and affirmed that he could not have observed it without injuring his own glory.
Although I was not at all convinced by this gentleman’s arguments, I could not
help admiring his vivacity which, I imagined, must be the effect of his illustrious
birth and noble education, and accordingly rated him, in my conjecture, as a
young prince on his travels. The discourse was afterwards shifted by an old
gentleman, of a very martial appearance, to the last campaign, when the battle of
Dettingen was fought over again, with so many circumstances to the honour of
the French and disadvantages if the Allies, that I began to entertain some doubts
of my having been there in person, and took the liberty to mention some
objections to what he advanced. This freedom introduced a dispute, which lasted
a good while, to the mortification of all present; and was at last referred to the
determination of a grave person, whom they styled Doctor, and who, under a
show of great moderation, decided it against me, with so little regard to truth,
that I taxed him with partiality in pretty severe terms, to the no small
entertainment of the true English politician, who rejoiced at my defence of a
cause he had so often espoused without success.
My opponent, pleased with the victory he had gained, affected a great deal of
candour, and told me, he should not have been so positive, if he had not been at
great pains to inform himself of each particular. “Indeed,” said he, “I am
convinced that the previous steps considered, things could not happen otherwise;
for we generals who have seen service, though we may not be on the spot
ourselves, know by the least sketch of the disposition what must be the event.”
He then censured, with great freedom, every circumstance of the conduct of
those who commanded the Allies; from thence made a transition to the ministry,
which he honoured with many invectives for employing people who had neither
experience nor capacity, to the prejudice of old officers, who had been
distinguished for both; dropped many hints of his own importance, and
concluded with observing, that the French and Spaniards knew better how to
value generals of merit; the good effects of which are seen in the conquests they
gain, and the discipline of their troops, which are at the same time better clothed
and paid than any soldiers in the universe. These remarks furnished the green
knight with an opportunity of launching out in the praise of the French
government in general, civil as well as military; on which occasion he made
many odious comparisons to the disadvantage of the English. Everybody,
almost, assented to the observations he made, and the doctor gave his sanction,
by saying, the people of France were undoubtedly the happiest subjects in the
world. I was so much astonished and confounded at their infatuation and
effrontery, that I had not power to utter one word in opposition to their
assertions; but my morose associate could not put up with the indignity that was
offered to Old England, and therefore with a satirical grin addressed himself to
the general in these words: “Sir, sir, I have often heard it said, She’s a villainous
bird that befouls her own nest. As for what those people who are foreigners say, I
don’t mind it; they know no better; but you who were bred and born, and have
got your bread, under the English government, should have more regard to
gratitude, as well as truth in censuring your native country. If the ministry have
thought fit to lay you aside, I suppose they have their own reasons for so doing;
and you ought to remember, that you still live on the bounty of this nation. As
for these gentlemen (meaning the prince and ambassador), who make so free
with our constitution, laws, and genius of our people, I think they might show a
little more respect for their benefactors, who, I must own, are to blame in
harbouring and protecting, and encouraging such ungrateful vagrants as they
are.” At these words, the chevalier in green started up in a great passion, and
laying his hand on the hilt of his hanger, exclaimed, “Ah! foutre!” The
Englishman on the other hand, grasping his cane cried, “Don’t foutre me, sirrah,
or by G—d I’ll knock you down.” The company interposed, the Frenchman sat
down again, and his antagonist proceeded—“Lookey, Monsieur, you know very
well that had you dared to speak so freely of the administration of your own
country in Paris as you have done of ours in London, you would have been sent
to the Bastille without ceremony, where you might have rotted in a dungeon, and
never seen the light of the sun again. Now, sir, take my word for it, although our
constitution screens us from such oppression, we want not laws to chastise the
authors of seditious discourse, and if I hear another syllable out of your mouth in
contempt or prejudice of this kingdom, I will give you a convincing proof of
what I advance, and have you laid by the heels for your presumption.” This
declaration had an effect on the company as sudden as surprising. The young
prince became as supple as a spaniel, the ambassador trembled, the general sat
silent and abashed, and the doctor, who it seems, had felt the rod of power, grew
pale as death, and assured us all, that he had no intention to affront any person or
people. “Your principles, doctor,” resumed the old gentleman, “are no secret—I
have nothing to say upon that head; but am very much surprised, that a man who
despises us so much, should notwithstanding live among us, when he has no
visible motive for so doing. Why don’t you take up your habitation in your
beloved France, where you may rail at England without censure?” To this
remonstrance the doctor thought proper to make no reply, and an unsocial
silence ensued; which I perceiving, took notice, that it was pity such idle
disputes, maintained very often through whim or diversion, should create any
misunderstanding among gentlemen of good sense, and proposed to drink down
all animosity in another bottle.
This motion was applauded by the whole company. The wine was brought,
and the English champion, declaring he had no spleen against any man for
differing in opinion from him, any more than for difference of complexion,
drank to the good health of all present; the compliment was returned, and the
conversation once more became unreserved though more general than before.
Among other topics, the subject of war was introduced, on which the general
declaimed with great eloquence, recounting many of his own exploits by way of
illustration. In the course of his harangue he happened to mention the word
epaulement, upon which the testy gentleman asked the meaning, of that term.
“I’ll tell you what an epaulement is,” replied he, “I never saw an epaulement but
once, and that was at the siege of Namur. In a council of war, Monsieur Cohorn,
the famous engineer, affirmed that the place could not be taken.” “Yes,” said the
Prince of Vandemont, “it may be taken by an epaulement.” “This was
immediately put into execution, and in twenty-four hours Mareschal Boufflers
was fain to capitulate.” Here he made a full stop, and the old gentleman repeated
the question, “But pray what is an epaulement?” To this interrogation the officer
made no immediate reply, but rang the bell, and called for the bill, which being
brought, he threw down his proportion of the reckoning, and, telling the
company he would show them an epaulement when his majesty should think fit
to entrust him with the command of our army abroad, strutted away with great
dignity. I could not imagine why he was so shy of explaining one of the most
simple terms of fortification, which I forthwith described as a side-work
composed of earth, gabions, or fascines; but I was very much surprised when I
afterwards understood that his reserve proceeded from his ignorance.
Having paid our bill, we adjourned to the coffee-room, where my fellow-
labourer insisted on treating me with a dish, giving me to understand, at the
same time, that I had acquired his good opinion, both with respect to my
principles and understanding. I thanked him for his compliment, and, professing
myself an utter stranger in this part of the world, begged he would have the
goodness to inform me of the quality and characters of the people who dined
above. This request was a real favour to one of his disposition, which was no
less communicative than curious; he therefore complied with great satisfaction,
and told me, to my extreme astonishment, that the supposed young prince was a
dancer at one of the theatres, and the ambassador no other than a fiddler
belonging to the opera. “The doctor,” said he “is a Roman Catholic priest, who
sometimes appears in the character of an officer, and assumes the name of
captain; but more generally takes the garb, title, and behaviour of a physician, in
which capacity he wheedles himself into the confidence of weak-minded people,
and by arguments no less specious than false, converts them from their religion
and allegiance. He has been in the hands of justice more than once for such
practices, but he is a sly dog, and manages matters with so much craft, that
hitherto he has escaped for a short imprisonment. As for the general, you may
see he has owed his promotion more to his interest than his capacity; and, now
that the eyes of the ministry are opened, his friends dead or become
inconsiderable, he is struck off the list, and obliged to put up with a yearly
pension. In consequence of this reduction, he is become malcontent, and
inveighs against the government in all companies, with so little discretion, that I
am surprised at the lenity of the administration, in overlooking his insolence, but
the truth of the matter is, he owes his safety to his weakness and want of
importance. He has seen a little, and but a little, service, and yet, if you will take
his word to it, there has not been a great action performed in the field since the
Revolution, in which he was not principally concerned. When a story is told of
any great general, he immediately matches it with one of himself, though he is
often unhappy in his invention, and commits such gross blunders in the detail,
that everybody is in pain for him. Caesar, Pompey, and Alexander the Great, are
continually in his mouth; and, as he reads a good deal without any judgment to
digest it, his ideas are confused, and his harangues as unintelligible as infinite;
for, if once he begin, there is no chance of his leaving off speaking while one
person remains to yield attention; therefore the only expedient I know, for
putting a stop to his loquacity, is to lay hold of some incongruity he has uttered,
and demand an explanation; or ask the meaning of some difficult term that he
knows by name; this method will effectually put him to silence, if not to flight,
as it happened when I inquired about an epaulement. Had he been acquainted
with the signification of that word, his triumph would have been intolerable, and
we must have quitted the field first, or been worried with impertinence.”
Having thus gratified my curiosity, the old gentleman began to discover his
own, in questions relating to myself, to which I thought proper to return
ambiguous answers. “I presume, Sir,” said he, “you have travelled.” I answered,
“Yes.” “I dare say you have found it very expensive,” said he. I replied, “To be
sure, one cannot travel without money.” “That I know by experience,” said he,
“for I myself take a trip to Bath or Tunbridge every season; and one must pay
sauce for what he has on the road, as well in other countries as in this. That’s a
pretty stone in your ring—give me leave, sir—the French have attained to a
wonderful skill in making compositions of this kind. Why, now, this looks
almost as well as a diamond.” “Almost as well, Sir!” said I, “Why not
altogether? I am sure if you understand anything of jewels, you must perceive, at
first sight, that this stone is a real diamond, and that of a very fine water. Take it
in your hand and examine it.” He did so with some confusion, and returned it,
saying, “I ask your pardon; I see it is a true brilliant of immense value.” I
imagined his respect to me increased after this inquiry; therefore to captivate his
esteem the more, I told him, I would show him a seal of composition, engraved
after a very valuable antique; upon which I pulled out my watch with a rich gold
chain, adorned with three seals set in gold, and an opal ring. He viewed each of
them with great eagerness, handled the chain, admired the chased case, and
observed that the whole must have cost me a vast sum of money. I affected
indifference, and replied in a careless manner, “Some trifle of sixty or seventy
guineas.” He stared in my face for some time, and then asked if I was an
Englishman? I answered in the negative. “You are from Ireland then, Sir, I
presume,” said he. I made the same reply. “Oh! perhaps,” said he “you were
born in one of our settlements abroad.” I still answered No. He seemed very
much surprised, and said, he was sure I was not a foreigner. I made no reply, but
left him upon the tenter-hooks of impatient uncertainty. He could not contain his
anxiety, but asked pardon for the liberties he had taken and, to encourage me the
more to disclose my situation, displayed his own without reserve. “I am,” said
he, “a single man, have a considerable annuity, on which I live according to my
inclination, and make the ends of the year meet very comfortably. As I have no
estate to leave behind, I am not troubled with the importunate officiousness of
relations or legacy hunters, and I consider the world as made for me, not me for
the world. It is my maxim, therefore, to enjoy it while I can, and let futurity shift
for itself.”
While he thus indulged his own talkative vein, and at the same time, no doubt,
expected retaliation from me, a young man entered, dressed in black velvet and
an enormous tie-wig, with an air in which natural levity and affected solemnity
were so jumbled together, that on the whole he appeared a burlesque on all
decorum. This ridiculous oddity danced up to the table at which we sat, and,
after a thousand grimaces, asked my friend by the name of Mr. Medlar, if we
were not engaged upon business. My companion put on a surly countenance, and
replied “No great business, doctor—but however—” “Oh! then,” cried the
physician; “I must beg your indulgence a little; pray pardon me, gentlemen.”
“Sir,” said he, addressing himself to me, “your most humble servant. I hope you
will forgive me, sir—I must beg the favour to sit—sir—sir—I have something of
consequence to impart to my friend Mr. Medlar—sir, I hope you will excuse my
freedom in whispering, sir,” Before I had time to give this complaisant person
my permission, Mr. Medlar cried, “I’ll have no whispering—if you have
anything to say to me, speak with an audible voice.” The doctor seemed a little
disconcerted at this exclamation, and, turning again to me, made a thousand
apologies for pretending to make a mystery of anything, a piece of caution
which he said was owing to his ignorance of my connection with Mr. Medlar;
but now he understood I was a friend, and would communicate what he had to
say in my hearing. He then began, after two or three hems, in this manner: “You
must know, sir, I am just come from dinner at my Lady Flareit’s (then addressing
himself to me), a lady of quality, sir, at whose table I have the honour of dining
sometimes. There was Lady Stately and my Lady Larum, and Mrs. Dainty, and
Miss Biddy Giggler, upon my word, a very good-natured young lady, with a very
pretty fortune sir. There was also my Lord Straddle. Sir John Shrug, and Master
Billy Chatter, who is actually a very facetious young gentleman. So, sir, her
ladyship seeing me excessively fatigued, for she was the last of fifteen patients
(people of distinction, sir) whom I had visited this forenoon, insisted upon my
staying dinner, though upon my word I protest I had no appetite; however, in
compliance with her ladyship’s request, sir, I sat down, and the conversation
turning on different subjects, among other things, Mr Chatter asked very
earnestly when I saw Mr. Medlar. I told him I had not had the pleasure of seeing
you these nineteen hours and a half; for you may remember, sir, it was nearly
about that time; I won’t be positive as to a minute.” “No,” says he, “then I desire
you will go to his lodgings immediately after dinner, and see what’s the matter
with him, for he must certainly be very bad from having eaten last night such a
vast quantity of raw oysters.” The crusty gentleman, who, from the solemnity of
his delivery, expected something extraordinary, no sooner heard his conclusion,
than he started up in a testy humour, crying, “Pshaw, pshaw! D—n your
oysters!” and walked away, after a short compliment of, “Your servant sir,” to
me. The doctor got up also, saying, “I vow and protest, upon my word, I am
actually amazed;” and followed Mr. Medlar to the bar, which was hard by, where
he was paying for his coffee: there he whispered so loud that I could overhear,
“Pray who is this gentleman?” His friend replied hastily, “I might have known
that before now, if it had not been for your impertinent intrusion,”—and walked
off very much disappointed. The ceremonious physician returned immediately
and sat down by me, asking a thousand pardons for leaving me alone: and giving
me to understand that what he had communicated to Mr. Medlar at the bar, was
an affair of the last importance, that would admit of no delay. He then called for
some coffee, and launched out into the virtues of that berry, which, he said, in
cold phlegmatic constitutions, like his, dried up the superfluous moisture, and
braced the relaxed nerves. He told me it was utterly unknown to the ancients;
and derived its name from an Arabian word, which I might easily perceive by the
sound and termination. From this topic he transferred his disquisitions to the
verb drink, which he affirmed was improperly applied to the taking of coffee,
inasmuch as people did not drink, but sip or sipple that liquor; that the genuine
meaning of drinking is to quench one’s thirst, or commit a debauch by
swallowing wine; that the Latin word, which conveyed the same idea, was
bibere or potare, and that of the Greeks pinein or poteein, though he was apt to
believe they were differently used on different occasions: for example—to drink
a vast quantity, or, as the vulgar express it, to drink an ocean of liquor, was in
Latin potare, and in Greek poteein; and, on the other hand, to use it moderately,
was bibere and pinein;—that this was only a conjecture of his, which, however,
seemed to be supported by the word bibulous, which is particularly applied to
the pores of the skin, and can only drink a very small quantity of the
circumambient moisture, by reason of the smallness of their diameters;—
whereas, from the verb poteein is derived the substantive potamos, which
signifies a river, or vast quantity of liquor. I could not help smiling at this learned
and important investigation; and, to recommend myself the more to my new
acquaintance, whose disposition I was by this time well informed of, I observed
that, what he alleged, did not, to the best of my remembrance, appear in the
writings of the ancients; for Horace uses the words poto and bibo indifferently
for the same purpose, as in the twentieth Ode of his first Book.
“Vile potabis modicis sabinum cantharis—
—Et prœlo domitam caleno tu bibes uvam.”

That I had never heard of the verb poteein, but that potamos, potema, and
potos, were derived from pino, poso, pepoka, in consequence of which, the
Greek poets never use any other word for festal drinking. Homer describes
Nestor at his cups in these words,
“Nestora d’ouk elathen iache pinonta perempes.”

And Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion always in every page.

“Pinonti de oinon hedun.
Otan pino ton oinon.
Opliz’ ego de pino.”

And in a thousand other places. The doctor who doubtless intended by his
criticism to give me a high idea of his erudition, was infinitely surprised to find
himself schooled by one of my appearance; and after a considerable pause cried,
“Upon my word, you are in the right, sir—I find I have not considered this affair
with my usual accuracy.” Then, accosting me in Latin, which he spoke very
well, the conversation was maintained full two hours, on a variety of subjects, in
that language; and indeed he spoke so judiciously, that I was convinced,
notwithstanding his whimsical appearance and attention to trifles, that he was a
man of extensive knowledge, especially in books; he looked upon me, as I
afterwards understood from Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in learning, and proposed
that very night, if I were not engaged, to introduce me to several young
gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with whom I had an appointment at the
Bedford coffee house.
 CHAPTER XLVI
Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine Gentlemen with whom I
spend the Evening at a Tavern—our Conversation—the
Characters of my new Companions—the Doctor is roasted—our
Issue of our Debauch

I accepted his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a hackney coach
where I saw a great number of gay figures fluttering about, most of whom spoke
to the doctor with great familiarity. Among the rest stood a group of them round
the fire whom I immediately knew to be the very persons who had the night
before, by their laughing, alarmed my suspicion of the lady who had put herself
under my protection. They no sooner perceived me enter with Dr. Wagtail (for
that was my companion’s name) than they tittered and whispered one to another,
and I was not a little surprised to find that they were the gentlemen to whose
acquaintance he designed to recommend me; for, when he observed them
together, he told me who they were, and desired to know by what name he
should introduce me. I satisfied him in that particular, and he advanced with
great gravity, saying, “Gentlemen, your most obedient servant:—give me leave
to introduce my friend Mr. Random to your society.” Then, turning to me, “Mr.
Random, this is Mr. Bragwell—Mr. Banter, sir—Mr. Chatter—my friend Mr.
Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter sir.” I saluted each of then in order, and when I came to
take Mr. Slyboot by the hand, I perceived him thrust his tongue in his cheek, to
the no small entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper to take any
notice of it on this occasion. Mr. Ranter too (who I afterwards learned was a
player) displayed his talents, by mimicking my air, features, and voice, while he
returned my compliment: this feat I should not have been so sensible of, had I
not seen him behave in the same manner to my friend Wagtail, when he made up
to them at first. But for once I let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity without
question or control, resolved however to chastise his insolence at a more
convenient opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing I was a stranger, asked if I had
been lately in France? and when I answered in the affirmative, inquired if I had
seen the Luxembourg Gallery? I told him I had considered it more than once
with great attention: upon this a conversion ensued, in which I discovered him to
be a painter.
While we were discoursing upon the particulars of this famous performance, I
overheard Banter ask Dr. Wagtail, where he had picked up this Mr. Random. To
which question the physician answered, “Upon my word, a mighty pretty sort of
a gentleman—a man of fortune, sir—he has made the grand tour, and seen the
best company in Europe, air.” “What, he told you so, I suppose?” said the other:
“I take him to be neither more nor less than a French valet-de-chambre.” “O
barbarous, barbarous!” cried the doctor; “this is actually, upon my word,
altogether unaccountable. I know all his family perfectly well, sir; he is of the
Randoms of the north—a very ancient house sir, and a distant relation of mine.”
I was extremely nettled at the conjecture of Mr. Banter, and began to entertain a
very indifferent opinion of my company in general; but, as I might possibly by
their means acquire a more extensive and agreeable acquaintance, I determined
to bear these little mortifications as long as I could without injuring the dignity
of my character. After having talked for some time on the weather, plays,
politics, and other coffee-house subjects, it was proposed that we should spend
the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired in a
body.
Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine, and bespoke
supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of my associates
opened upon me more and more. It soon appeared that the doctor was
entertained as butt for the painter and player to exercise their wit upon, for the
diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter began the game by asking him what was
good for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits, and in digestion, for he was troubled
with all these complaints to a very great degree. Wagtail immediately undertook
to explain the nature of his case, and in a very prolix manner harangued upon
prognostics, diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, inanition, and repletion;
then calculated the force of the stomach and lungs in their respective operations;
ascribed the player’s malady to a disorder in these organs, proceeding from hard
drinkings and vociferations, and prescribed a course of stomachics, with
abstinence from venery, wine, loud speaking, laughing, singing, coughing,
sneezing, or hallooing. “Pah, pah!” cried Ranter, interrupting him, “the remedy
is worse than the disease—I wish I knew where to find some tinder water.”
“Tinder water!” said the doctor; “Upon my word, I don’t apprehend you, Mr.
Ranter.” “Water extracted from tinder,” replied the other, “a universal specific
for all distempers incident to man. It was invented by a learned German monk,
who, for a valuable consideration, imparted the secret to Paracelsus.” “Pardon
me,” cried the painter, “it was first used by Solomon, as appears by a Greek
manuscript in his civil handwriting, lately found at the foot of Mount Lebanon,
by a peasant who was digging for potatoes—” “Well,” said Wagtail, “in all my
vast reading, I never met with such a preparation! neither did I know till this
minute, that Solomon understood Greek, or that potatoes grew in Palestine.”
Here Banter interposed, saying, he was surprised that Dr. Wagtail should make
the least doubt of Solomon’s understanding Greek, when he is represented to us
as the wisest and best-educated prince in the world; and as for potatoes, they
were transplanted thither from Ireland, in the time of the Crusade, by some
knights of that country. “I profess,” said the doctor, “there is nothing more likely.
I would actually give a vast sum for a sight of that manuscript, which must be
inestimable; and, if I understood the process, would set about it immediately.”
The player assured him the process was very simple—that he must cram a
hundred-weight of dry tinder into a glass retort, and, distilling it by the force of
animal heat, it would yield half a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is a
full dose. “Upon my integrity!” exclaimed the incredulous doctor, “this is very
amazing and extraordinary! that a caput mortuum should yield any water at all. I
must own I have always been an enemy to specifics which I thought inconsistent
with the nature of the animal economy; but certainly the authority of Solomon is
not to be questioned. I wonder where I shall find a glass retort large enough to
contain such a vast quantity of tinder, the consumption of which must,
undoubtedly, raise the price of paper, or where shall I find animal heat sufficient
even to warm such a mass?” Slyboot informed him, that he might have a retort
blown for him as big as a church: and, that the easiest method of raising the
vapour by animal heat, would be to place it in the middle of an infirmary for
feverish patients, who might be upon mattresses around and in contact with it.
He had he sooner pronounced these words, than Wagtail exclaimed in a rapture,
“An admirable expedient, as I hope to be saved! I will positively put it in
practice.”
This simplicity of the physician furnished excellent diversion for the
company, who, in their turns, sneered at him in ironical compliments, which his
vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments of their hearts. Mr. Chatter,
impatient of so long a silence, now broke out and entertained us with a catalogue
of all the people who danced at the last Hampstead assembly, with a most
circumstantial account of the dress and ornaments of each, from the lappets of
the ladies to the shoe-buckles of the men; concluding with telling Bragwell, that
his mistress Melinda was there, and seemed to miss him: and soliciting his
company at the next occasion of that kind.
“No, d—mm,” said Bragwell, “I have something else to mind than dangling
after a parcel of giddy-headed girls; besides, you know my temper is so unruly,
that I am apt to involve myself in scrapes when a woman is concerned. The last
time I was there, I had an affair with Tom Trippit.” “Oh! I remember that!” cried
Banter; “You lugged out before the ladies; and I commend you for so doing,
because you had an opportunity of showing your manhood without running any
risk.” “Risk!” said the other with a fierce countenance, “d—n my blood! I fear
no risks. I an’t afraid of lugging out against any man that wears a head, d—me!
’Tis well known that I have drawn blood more than once, and lost some too; but
what does that signify?” The player begged this champion to employ him as his
second the next time he intended to kill, for he wanted to see a man die of a stab,
that he might know how to act such an art the more naturally on the stage.
“Die!” replied the hero: “No, by G—! I know better things than to incur the
verdict of a Middlesex jury—I should look upon my fencing-master to be an
ignorant son of a b—h, if he had not taught me to prick any of my antagonist’s
body that I please to disable.” “Oho!” cried Slyboot, “if that be the case, I have a
favour to ask. You must know I am employed to paint a Jesus on the cross; and
my purpose is to represent him at that point of time when the spear is thrust into
his side. Now I should be glad if you would, in my presence, pink some
impertinent fellow into convulsions, without endangering his life, that I may
have an opportunity of taking a good clever agony from nature: the doctor will
direct you where to enter and how far to go, but pray let it be as near the left side
as possible.” Wagtail, who took this proposal seriously, observed, that it would
be a very difficult matter to penetrate into the left side of the thorax without
hurting the heart, and in consequence killing the patient; but he believed it was
possible for a man of a very nice hand and exact knowledge of anatomy, to
wound the diaphragma somewhere about the skirts, which might induce a
singultus, without being attended with death: that he was ready to demonstrate
the insertion of that muscle to Mr. Bragwell; but desired to have no concern with
the experiment, which might essentially prejudice his reputation, in case of a
miscarriage. Bragwell was as much imposed upon by the painter’s waggery as
the doctor, and declined engaging in the affair, saying he held a very great regard
for Mr. Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, never to fight except when his
honour was engaged. A thousand jokes of this kind were uttered; the wine
circulated, supper was served in, we ate heartily, returned to the bottle, Bragwell
became noisy and troublesome, Banter grew more and more severe, Ranter
rehearsed, Slyboot made faces at the whole company, I sang French catches, and
Chatter kissed me with great affection; while the doctor, with a wofull
countenance, sat silent like a disciple of Pythagoras. At length, it was proposed
by Bragwell, that we should scour the hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the
watch, and then reel soberly to bed.
While we deliberated upon this expedition, the waiter came into the room, and
asked for Doctor Wagtail: when he understood he was present, he told him there
was a lady below to inquire for him, at which message the physician started from
his melancholy contemplation, and, with a look of extreme confusion, assured
the company he could not possibly be the person wanted, for he had no
connection with any lady whatever, and bade the drawer tell her so. “For
shame!” cried Banter; “would you be so impolite as to refuse a lady a hearing?
perhaps she comes for a consultation. It must be some extraordinary affair that
brings a lady to a tavern at this time of night. Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor’s
base-mains to the lady, and squire her hither.” The player immediately staggered
out, and returned, leading in with much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, whose
appearance proclaimed her occupation. We received her with the utmost
solemnity, and with a good deal of entreaty she was persuaded to sit, when a
profound silence ensued, during which she fixed her eyes, with a disconsolate
look, upon the doctor, who was utterly confounded at her behaviour, and
returned her melancholy fourfold; at length, after a good many piteous sighs, she
wiped her eyes, and accosted him thus: “What! not one word of comfort? Will
nothing soften that stony heart of thine? Not all my tears! not all my affliction!
not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon me! Where are thy vows, thou
faithless, perjured man? Hast thou no honour—no conscience—no remorse for
thy perfidious conduct towards me? Answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice,
or must I have recourse to heaven or hell for my revenge?” If poor Wagtail was
amazed before she spoke, what must his confusion be on hearing this address!
His natural paleness changed into a ghastly clay colour, his eyes rolled, his lip
trembled, and he answered in an accent not to be described, “Upon my word,
honour, and salvation, madam, you are actually mistaken in my person. I have a
most particular veneration for your sex, and, am actually incapable of injuring
any lady in the smallest degree, madam; besides, madam, to the best of my
recollection, I never had the honour of seeing you before, as I hope to be saved,
madam!” “How, traitor!” cried she, “dost thou disown me then? Mistaken! no,
too well I know that fair bewitching face! too well I know that false enchanting
tongue! Alas! gentlemen, since the villain compels me by his unkindness, to
expose myself and him, know that this betrayer, under the specious pretence of
honourable addresses, won my heart, and taking advantage of his conquest,
robbed me of my virgin treasure, and afterwards abandoned me to my fate! I am
now four months gone with child by him, turned out of doors by my relations,
and left a prey to misery and want! Yes, thou barbarian,” said she, turning to
Wagtail, “thou tiger, thou succubus! too well thou knowest my situation. But I
will tear out thy faithless heart, and deliver the world from such a monster.” So
saying, she sprang forward at the doctor, who with incredible agility, jumped
over the table, and ran behind Bragwell, while the rest of us endeavoured to
appease the furious heroine. Although everybody in the company affected the
utmost surprise, I could easily perceive it was a scheme concerted among them
to produce diversion at the doctor’s expense, and being under no concern about
the consequence, I entered into the confederacy, and enjoyed the distress of
Wagtail, who with tears in his eyes begged the protection of the company,
declaring himself as innocent of the crime laid to his charge as the foetus in
utero; and hinting at the same time, that nature had not put it in his power to be
guilty of such a trespass. “Nature!” cried the lady, “there was no nature in the
case; he abused me by the help of charms and spells; else how is it possible that
any woman could have listened to the addresses of such a scarecrow? Were these
owlish eyes made for ogling; that carrion complexion to be admired; or that
mouth, like a horse-shoe, to be kissed? No, no, you owe your success to your
philtres, to your drugs and incantations; and not to your natural talents, which
are, in every respect, mean and contemptible.”
The doctor thought he had got an opportunity of vindicating himself
effectually; and desired the complainant to compose herself but for half-an-hour,
in which he undertook to prove the absurdity of believing in the power of
incantations, which were only idle dreams of ignorance and superstition. He
accordingly pronounced a very learned discourse upon the nature of ideas, the
power and independence of the mind, the properties of stimulating medicines,
the difference between a proneness to venery, which many simples would create,
and a passion limited to one object, which can only be the result of sense and
reflection; and concluded with a pathetic remonstrance, setting forth his
unhappiness in being persecuted with the resentment of a lady whom he had
never injured, nor even seen before that occasion, and whose faculties were, in
all likelihood, so much impaired by her misfortunes that an innocent person was
in danger of being ruined by her disorder. He had no sooner finished his
harangue, than the forlorn princess renewed her lamentations, and cautioned the
company against his eloquence, which, she said, was able to bias the most
impartial bench in Christendom. Ranter advised him to espouse her immediately,
as the only means to save his reputation, and offered to accompany him to the
Fleet for that purpose; but Slyboot proposed that a father should be purchased
for the child, and a comfortable alimony settled on the mother. Ranter promised
to adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready to worship him for his generosity,
and, though he persisted in protesting his innocence, condescended to everything
rather than his unblemished character should be called into question. The lady
rejected the proposal, and insisted on matrimony. Bragwell took up the cudgels
for the doctor, and undertook to rid him of her importunity for half-a-guinea;
upon which Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled out his purse, and put it into
the hand of his friend, who, taking half a piece out of it, gave it to the plaintiff,
and bade her thank God for her good fortune. When she had received this
bounty, she affected to weep, and begged, since the physician had renounced her,
he would at least vouchsafe her a parting kiss; this he was prevailed upon to
grant with great reluctance, and went up with his usual solemnity to salute her,
when she laid hold of his cheek with her teeth, and held fast, while he roared
with anguish, to the unspeakable diversion of all present. When she thought
proper to release him, she dropped a low courtesy to the company, and quitted
the room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, not so much on account of the
pain, as the apprehension of the consequence of the bite; for, by this time, he was
convinced of her being mad. Banter prescribed the actual cautery, and put the
poker in the fire to be heated, in order to sear the place. The player was of
opinion that Bragwell should scoop out the part affected with the point of his
sword; but the painter prevented both these dreadful operations by
recommending a balsam he had in his pocket, which never failed to cure the bite
of a mad dog; so saying, he pulled out a small bladder of black paint, with which
he instantly anointed not only the sore, but the greatest part of the patient’s face,
and left it in a frightful condition. In short, the poor creature was so harassed
with fear and vexation, that I pitied him extremely, and sent him home in a chair,
contrary to the inclination of everybody present.
This freedom of mine gave umbrage to Bragwell, who testified his displeasure
by swearing a few threats, without making any application; which, being
perceived by Slyboot, who sat by me, he, with a view of promoting a quarrel,
whispered to me, that he thought Bragwell used me very ill, but every man was
the best judge of his own affairs. I answered aloud, that I would neither suffer
Mr. Bragwell nor him to use me ill with impunity; and that I stood in no need of
his counsel in regard to the regulation of my conduct. He thought proper to ask a
thousand pardons, and assure me he meant no offence; while Bragwell feigned
himself asleep, that he might not be obliged to take notice of what passed. But
the player, who had more animal spirits and less discretion than Slyboot,
unwilling to let the affair rest where he had dropped it, jogged Mr. Bragwell and
told him softly that I had called him names, and threatened to cudgel him. This
particular I understood by his starting, up and crying, “Blood and wounds, you
lie! No man durst treat me so ignominiously. Mr. Random, did you call me
names, and threaten to drub me?” I denied the imputation, and proposed to
punish the scoundrel who endeavoured to foment disturbance in the company.
Bragwell signified his approbation, and drew his sword; I did the same, and
accosted the actor in these words: “Lookee, Mr. Ranter; I know you possess all
the mimicry and mischievous qualities of an ape, because I have observed you
put them all in practice more than once to-night, on me and others; now I want to
see if you resemble one in nimbleness also; therefore, I desire you leap over this
sword without hesitation.” So saying, I held it parallel to the horizon, at the
distance of about three feet from the floor, and called, “Once-twice-thrice—and
away!” but, instead of complying with my demand, he snatched his hat and
hanger, and, assuming the looks, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst out into the
following exclamation, “Ha! must I then perform inglorious prank of sylvan ape
in mountain forest caught! Death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days, and
lay my head in fury’s lap—Have we not Hiren here?” This buffoonery did not
answer his expectation, for, by this time, the company was bent on seeing him in
a new character. Mr. Banter desired me to hold my sword a foot or two higher,
that he might have the better opportunity of exerting himself. The painter told
him, if he performed well, he would recommend him as a vaulter to the
proprietors of Sadler’s Wells; and Bragwell crying, “Leap for the King!” applied
the point of his sword to the player’s posteriors with such success, that he sprang
over in a trice, and, finding the door unguarded, vanished in a twinkling; glad, no
doubt, of having paid his share of the reckoning so easily.
It being now near two o’clock in the morning, we discharged the bill, and
sallied out into the street. The painter slunk away without taking his leave. Billy
Chatter, being unable to speak or stand, was sent to a bagnio; and Banter and I
accompanied Bragwell to Moll King’s coffee-house, where after he had kicked
half a dozen hungry whores, we left him asleep on a bench, and directed our
course towards Charing-cross, near which place both he and I lodged.
The natural dryness of my companion being overcome by liquor, he honoured
me by the way with many compliments and professions, of friendship, for which
I made suitable acknowledgments, and told him I thought myself happy in
having, by my behaviour, removed the unfavourable opinion he entertained of
me at first sight. He was surprised at this declaration, and begged me to explain
myself; upon which I mentioned what I had overheard him say of me to Wagtail
in the coffee-house. He laughed, and made an apology for his freedom, assuring
me, that my appearance had very much prepossessed him in my favour; and
what he said was only intended as a joke on the doctor’s solemnity. I was highly
pleased at being undeceived in this particular, and not a little proud of the good
opinion of this wit, who shook me by the hand at parting, and promised to meet
me the next day at the ordinary.
 CHAPTER XLVII

Strap communicates to me a conquest he had made of a

Chandler’s Widow—finds himself miserably mistaken—I go to
the Opera—admire Melinda—am cautioned by Banter—go to
the Assembly at Hampstead—dance with that young lady—
receive an insolent message from Bragwell, whose mettle is
soon cooled—am in favour with my Mistress, whom I visit next
day, and am bubbled out of eighteen guineas at cards—Strap
triumphs at my success, but is astonished at my expense—
Banter comes to my lodging, is very sarcastic at my expense,
and borrows five guineas from me, as a proof of his friendship

In the morning, before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, and, finding me
awake, hemmed several times, scratched his head, cast his eyes upon the ground,
and, with a very foolish kind of simper upon his face gave me to understand he
had something to communicate. “By your countenance,” said I, “I expect to hear
good tidings.” “Indifferently,” replied he, tittering, “that is, hereafter as it shall
be. You must know, I have some thoughts of altering my condition.” “What!”
cried I, astonished, “a matrimonial scheme? O rare Strap! thou hast got the heels
of me at last.” “N—no less, I assure you,” said he, bursting into a laugh of self-
approbation: “a tallow chandler’s widow that lives hard by, has taken a liking to
me, a fine jolly dame, as plump as a partridge. She has a well-furnished house, a
brisk trade, and a good deal of the ready. I may have her for the asking. She told
a friend of mine, a brother footman, that she would take me out of a stinking
clout. But I refused to give my final answer, till I knew your opinion of the
matter.” I congratulated Monsieur d’Estrapes upon his conquest, and approved
of the scheme, provided he could be assured of those circumstances of her
fortune; but advised him to do nothing rashly, and give me an opportunity of
seeing the lady before matters should be brought to a conclusion. He assured me
he would do nothing without my consent and approbation, and that very
morning, while I was at breakfast, introduce his inamorata to my acquaintance.
She was a short thick woman, about the age of thirty-six, and had a particular
prominence of belly, which I perceived at first sight, not without some suspicion
of foul play. I desired her, however, to sit, and treated her with a dish of tea; the
discourse turning on the good qualities of Strap, whom I represented as a
prodigy of sobriety, industry and virtue. When she took her leave, he followed
her to the door, and returned licking his lips, and asking if I did not think she
was a luscious creature. I made no mystery of my apprehension, but declared my
sentiments of her without reserve; at which he was not surprised, telling me he
had observed the same symptom, but was informed by his friend that she was
only livergrown and would in few months be as small in the waist as ever. “Yes,”
said I, “a few weeks, I believe, will do the business. In short, Strap, it is my
opinion, that you are egregiously imposed upon; and that this friend is no other
than a rascal who wants to palm his trull upon you for a wife, that he may at
once deliver himself from the importunities of the mother and the expense of her
bantling; for which reason I would not have you trust implicitly to the report he
makes of her wealth, which is inconsistent with his behaviour, nor run your head
precipitately into a noose, that you may afterwards wish exchanged for the
hangman’s.” He seemed very much startled at my insinuation, and promised to
look twice before he leaped; saying, with some heat, “Odds, if I find his
intention is to betray me, we shall see which of us is the better man.” My
prediction was verified in less than a fortnight, her great belly producing an
infant, to the unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was before this happened,
inclinable to believe I had refined a little too much in my penetration. His false
friend disappeared; and a few days after an execution was issued against her
goods and household furniture, which were seized by the creditors.
Meanwhile I met my friend Banter at the ordinary, and in the evening went to
the Opera with him and Mr Chatter, who pointed out Melinda in one of the
boxes, and offered to introduce me to her, observing at the same time, that she
was a reigning toast worth ten thousand pounds. This piece of information made
my heart bound with joy, and I discovered great eagerness to accept the
proposal; upon which he assured me I should dance with her at the next
assembly, if he had any influence in that quarter: so saying, he went round, spoke
to her some minutes, and, as I imagined, pointed at me; then returning, told me,
to my inexpressible pleasure, that I might depend upon what he had promised,
for she was now engaged as my partner. Banter in a whisper, gave me to
understand that she was an incorrigible coquette, who would grant the same
favour to any young fellow in England of a tolerable appearance, merely to
engage him among the herd of her admirers, that she might have the pleasure of
seeing them daily increase; that she was of a cold insensible disposition, dead to
every passion but vanity, and so blind to merit, that he would lay any wager the
wealthiest fool would carry her at last. I attributed a good deal of this
intelligence to the satirical turn of my friend, or resentment for having himself
suffered a rebuff from the lady in question, and, at any rate, trusted so much to
my own accomplishments as to believe no woman could resist the ardour of my
addresses.
Full of this confidence I repaired to Hampstead in company with Billy
Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and Doctor Wagtail. There I saw a very brilliant
assembly, before whom I had the honour to walk a minuet with Melinda, who
charmed me with her frank manner and easiness of behaviour. Before the
country dances began, I received a message by a person I did not know from
Bragwell, who was present, importing that nobody who knew him presumed to
dance with Melinda while he was there in person, that I would do well to
relinquish her without noise, because he had a mind to lead up a country dance
with her. This extraordinary intimation, which was delivered in the lady’s
hearing, did not at all discompose me, who, by this time, was pretty well
acquainted with the character of my rival. I therefore, without the least symptom
of concern bade the gentleman tell Mr. Bragwell, that since I was so happy as to
obtain the lady’s consent, I should not be solicitous about his; and desired the
bearer himself to bring me no such impertinent messages for the future. Melinda,
affected a sort of confusion, and pretended to wonder that Mr. Bragwell should
give himself such liberties with regard to her, who had no manner of connection
with the fellow. I laid hold of this opportunity to display my valour, and offered
to call him to an account for his insolence, a proposal which she absolutely
refused, under pretence of consulting my safety; though I could perceive, by the
sparkling of her eyes, that she would not have thought herself affronted by being
the subject of a duel. I was by no means pleased with this discovery of her
thoughts, which not only argued the most unjustifiable vanity, but likewise the
most barbarous indifference; however, I was allured by her fortune, and resolved
to gratify her pride, in making her the occasion of a public quarrel between me
and Bragwell, who, I was pretty certain, would never drive matters to a
dangerous extremity.
While we danced together, I observed this formidable rival at one end of the
room, encircled with a cluster of beaux, to whom he talked with great
vehemence, casting many big looks at me from time to time. I guessed the
subject of his discourse, and as soon as I had handed my partner to her seat,
strutted up to the place where he stood, and, cocking my hat in his face,
demanded aloud, if he had anything to say to me. He answered with a sullen
tone, “Nothing, at present, sir;” and turned about upon his heel. “Well,” said I,
“you know where I am to be found at any time.” His companions stared at one
another, and I returned to the lady, whose features brightened at my approach,
and immediately a whisper ran through the whole room; after which so many
eyes were turned upon me that I was ready to sink with confusion. When the ball
broke up, I led her to her coach, and, like a true French gallant, would have got
up behind it, in order to protect her from violence on the road, but she absolutely
refused my offer, and expressed her concern that there was not an empty seat for
me within the vehicle.
Next day, in the afternoon, I waited on her at her lodgings, by permission, in
company with Chatter, and was very civilly received by her mother, with whom
she lived. There were a good many fashionable people present, chiefly young
fellows, and immediately after tea, a couple of card tables were set, at one of
which I had the honour to play with Melinda, who in less than three hours, made
shift to plunder me of eight guineas. I was well enough content to lose a little
money with a good grace, that I might have an opportunity in the meantime to
say soft things, which are still most welcome when attended with good luck; but
I was by no means satisfied of her fair play, a circumstance that shocked me not
a little, and greatly impaired my opinion of her disinterestedness and delicacy.
However, I was resolved to profit by this behaviour, and treat her in my turn with
less ceremony; accordingly, I laid close siege to her, and, finding her not at all
disgusted with the gross incense I offered, that very night made a declaration of
love in plain terms. She received my addresses with great gaiety, and pretended
to laugh them off, but at the same time treated me with such particular
complacency that I was persuaded I had made a conquest of her heart, and
concluded myself the happiest man alive. Elevated with these flattering ideas, I
sat down again to cards after supper, and with great cheerfulness suffered myself
to be cheated of ten guineas more.
It was late before I took my leave, after being favoured with a general
invitation; and, when I got into bed, the adventures of the day hindered me from
sleeping. Sometimes I pleased myself with the hopes of possessing a fine woman
with ten thousand pounds; then I would ruminate on the character I had heard of
her from Banter, and compare it with the circumstances of her conduct towards
me, which seemed to bear too great a resemblance to the picture he had drawn.
This introduced a melancholy reflection on the expense I had undergone, and the
smallness of my funds to support it, which, by-the-by, were none of my own. In
short, I found myself involved in doubts and perplexities, that kept me awake the
greatest part of the night.
In the morning, Strap, with whom I had not conversed for two days, presented
himself with the utensils for shaving me; upon which, I asked his opinion of the
lady he had seen me conduct to her coach at Hampstead. “Odds! she’s a
delicious creature!” cried he, “and, as I am informed, a great fortune. I am sorry
you did not insist on going home with her. I dare say, she would not have refused
your company; for she seems to be a good-humoured soul.” “There’s a time for
all things,” said I, “you must know, Strap, I was in company with her till one
o’clock this morning.” I had no sooner pronounced these words than he began to
caper about the room, and snap his fingers, crying in a transport, “The day’s our
own—the day’s our own!” I gave him to understand that his triumph was a little
premature, and that I had more difficulties to surmount than he was aware of;
then I recounted to him the intelligence I had received from Banter. At which he
changed colour, shook his head, and observed there was no faith in woman. I
told him I was resolved to make a bold push notwithstanding, although I foresaw
it would lead me into a great expense; and bade him guess the sum I had lost last
night at cards. He scratched his chin, and protested his abhorrence of cards, the
very name of which being mentioned, made him sweat with vexation, as it
recalled the money-dropper to his remembrance. “But, however,” said he, “you
have to do with other guess people now. Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run
last night, you would scarce come off for less than ten or twelve shilling.” I was
mortified at this piece of simplicity, which I imagined, at that time, was all
affected by way of reprimand for my folly; and asked with some heat if he
thought I had spent the evening in a cellar with chairmen and bunters; giving
him to know, at the same time, that my expense had amounted to eighteen
guineas.
It would require the pencil of Hogarth to express the astonishment and
concern of Strap on hearing this piece of news; the basin, in which he was
preparing the lather for my chin, dropped out of his hands, and he remained
some time immovable in that ludicrous attitude, with his mouth open, and his
eyes thrust forward considerably beyond their station; but, remembering my
disposition, which was touchy, and impatient of control, he smothered his
chagrin, and attempted to recollect himself. With this view he endeavoured to
laugh, but in spite if his teeth, broke out in a whimper, took up his wash-ball and
pewter-pot, scrubbed my beard with the one, and discharged the other upon my
face. I took no notice of this confusion, but after he had fully recovered himself,
put him in mind of his right, and assured him of my readiness to surrender my
effects whenever he should think proper to demand them. He was nettled at my
insinuation, which he thought proceeded from my distrust of his friendship; and
begged I would never talk to him in that strain again, unless I had a mind to
break his heart.
This good creature’s unalterable friendship for me affected me with the most
grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resolution of acquiring a fortune,
that I might have it in my power to manifest my generosity in my turn. For this
purpose, I determined to bring matters to a speedy conclusion with Melinda;
well knowing that a few such nights as the last would effectually incapacitate me
from prosecuting that or any other advantageous amour.
While my meditation was busied in planning out my future conduct, Mr.
Banter favoured me with a visit, and after breakfast asked how I had passed the
preceding evening. I answered I was very agreeably entertained at a private
house. “Yes,” said he, with a sarcastic smile, “you deserve something
extraordinary for the price you paid.” I was surprised at this remark, and
pretended ignorance of his meaning. “Come, come, Mr. Random,” continued he,
“you need not make a mystery of it to me; the whole town has it. I wish that
foolish affair between you and Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public. It
has set all the busybodies at work to find out your real character and situation;
and you cannot imagine what conjectures have already circulated at your
expense. One suspects you to be a Jesuit in disguise; another thinks you are an
agent from the Pretender; a third believes you to be an upstart gamester, because
nobody knows anything of your family or fortune; a fourth is of opinion that you
are an Irish fortune-hunter.” This last hypothesis touched me so nearly that, to
conceal my confusion, I was fain to interrupt his detail, and damn the world for
an envious meddling community, that would not suffer a gentleman to live
without molestation. He took no notice of this apostrophe, but went on. “For my
own part, I neither know nor desire to know who or what you are. This I am
certain of, that few people make a mystery of their origin or situation, who can
boast of anything advantageous in either; and my own opinion of the matter is
that you have raised yourself, by your industry, from nothing to the appearance
you now maintain, and which you endeavour to support by some matrimonial
scheme.” Here he fixed his eyes steadfastly upon me and perceiving my face
covered with blushes, told me, how he was confirmed in his opinion. “Look ye,
Random,” said he, “I have divined your plan, and am confident it will never
succeed. You are too honest and too ignorant of the town to practise the
necessary cheats of your profession, and detect the conspiracies that will be
formed against you. Besides, you are downright bashful. What the devil! set up
for a fortune hunter before you have conquered the sense of shame! Perhaps you
are entitled by your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and a better wife
than Melinda; but take my word for it, she is not to be won at that rate;—or, if
you are so lucky as to carry her, between you and me, you may say, as Teague
said, By my soul, I have gained a loss! She would take care to spend her fortune
in a twinkling, and soon make you sick of her extravagance.”
I was alarmed by his discourse, while I resented the freedom of it, and
expressed my disgust by telling him, he was mistaken in my intentions, and
desiring he would give me leave to regulate my conduct according to the dictates
of my own reason. He made no apology for the liberty he had taken, and
ascribed it to the warmth of his friendship for me; as an uncommon instance of
which he borrowed five guineas, assuring me there were very few people in the
world whom he would so far favour with his confidence. I gave him the money,
and professed myself so well convinced of his sincerity, that he had no occasion
to put it to such extraordinary proofs for the future. “I thought,” said he, “to have
asked five pieces more, but hearing you were bubbled of eighteen last night, I
presumed you might be out of cash, and resolved to model my demand
accordingly.” I could not help admiring the cavalier behaviour of this spark, of
whom I desired to know his reason for saying I was bubbled. He then gave me to
understand, that before he came to my lodgings, he had beat up Tom Tossle,
who, being present, informed him of the particulars, rehearsed all the fine things
I said to Melinda, with which he proposed to entertain the town, and among
other circumstances, assured him my mistress cheated with so little art, that
nobody but a mere novice could be imposed upon.
The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for coxcombs, and losing my
money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I made a virtue of my indignation, and
swore that no man should with impunity either asperse the character of Melinda,
or turn my behaviour into ridicule. He replied in a dry manner, that I would find
it a Herculean task to chastise everybody who should laugh at my expense; and,
as for the character of Melinda, he did not see how it could suffer by what was
laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, far from being reckoned a blemish
among people of fashion, was looked upon as an honourable indication of
superior genius and address. “But let us waive this subject,” said he, “and go to
the coffee-house, in order to make a party for dinner.”
 CHAPTER XLVIII

We repair to the coffee-house, where we overhear a curious

dispute between Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our
decision—the Doctor gives an account of his experiment—
Medlar is roasted by Banter at the ordinary—the old
gentleman’s advice to me

Being as willing to drop the theme as he was to propose it, I accompanied him
thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail disputing upon the word
Custard, which the physician affirmed should be spelt with a G, observing that it
was derived from the Latin verb gustare, “to taste;” but Medlar pleaded custom
in behalf of C, observing, that, by the Doctor’s rule, we ought to change pudding
into budding, because it is derived from the French word boudin; and in that case
why not retain the original orthography and pronunciation of all the foreign
words we have adopted, by which means our language would become a
dissonant jargon without standard or propriety? The controversy was referred to
us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real opinion to the contrary, decided it in
favour of Wagtail; upon which the peevish annuitant arose, and uttering the
monosyllable pish! with great emphasis, removed to another table.
We then inquired of the doctor, what progress he had made in the experiment
of distilling tinder-water; and he told us he had been at all the glass-houses about
town, but could find nobody who would undertake to blow a retort large enough
to hold the third part of the quantity prescribed; but he intended to try the
process on as much as would produce five drops, which would be sufficient to
prove the specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary affair; that he had
already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in reducing which to tinder, he
had met with a misfortune, which had obliged him to change his lodgings; for he
had gathered them in a heap on the floor, and set fire to them with a candle, on
the supposition that the boards would sustain no damage, because it is the nature
of flame to ascend; but, by some very extraordinary accident, the wood was
invaded, and began to blaze with great violence, which disordered him so much,
that he had not the presence of mind enough to call for assistance, and the whole
house must have been consumed with him in the midst of it, had not the smoke
that rolled out of the windows in clouds alarmed the neighbourhood, and brought
people to his succour: that he had lost a pair of black velvet breeches and a tie-
wig in the hurry, besides the expense of the rags, which were rendered useless by
the water used to quench the flame, and the damage of the floor, which he was
compelled to repair; that his landlord, believing him distracted, had insisted on
his quitting his apartment at a minute’s warning, and he was put to incredible
inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very comfortable house, and had the
use of a large paved yard for preparing his tinder; so that he hoped in a very
short time to reap the fruits of his labour.
After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the papers, we
repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained ourselves an hour or
two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall, and, after two or three turns, went
back to dinner, Banter assuring us, that he intended to roast Medlar at the
ordinary; and, indeed, we were no sooner set than this cynic began to execute his
purpose, by telling the old gentleman that he looked extremely well, considering
the little sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this compliment Medlar made no
reply, but by a stare, accompanied with a significant grin; and Banter went on
thus; “I don’t know whether most to admire the charity of your mind, or the
vigour of your body. Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you do generous things with the
best taste of any man I know! You extend your compassion to real objects, and
exact only such returns as they are capable of making. You must know,
gentlemen,” said he, turning to the company, “I had been up most part of the
night with a friend who is ill of a fever, and, on my return home this morning,
chanced to pass by a gin shop still open, whence issued a confused sound of
mirth and jollity: upon which, I popped in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar
dancing bareheaded in the midst of ten or twenty ragged bunters, who rejoiced at
his expense. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you should not sacrifice your constitution
to your benevolence. Consider, you grow old apace; and, therefore, have a
reverend care of your health, which must certainly be very much impaired by
these nocturnal expeditions.” The testy senior could no longer contain himself,
but cried hastily, “’Tis well known that your tongue is no slanderer.” “I think,”
said the other, “you might spare that observation, as you are very sensible, that
my tongue has done you signal service on many occasions. You may remember,
that, when you made your addresses to the fat widow who kept a public-house at
Islington, there was a report spread very much to the prejudice of your manhood,
which coming to the ears of your mistress, you were discarded immediately: and
I brought matters to a reconciliation, by assuring her you had three bastards at
nurse in the country. How you ruined your own affair afterwards, it is neither my
business nor inclination to relate.”
This anecdote, which had no other foundation than in Banter’s own invention,
afforded a good deal of mirth to everybody present, and provoked Mr. Medlar
beyond all sufferance; so that he started up in a mighty passion, and, forgetting
that his mouth was full, bespattered those who sat next to him, while he
discharged his indignation in a volley of oaths, and called Banter insignificant
puppy, impertinent jackanapes, and a hundred such appellations; telling the
company he had invented these false and malicious aspersions, because he
would not lend him money to squander away upon rooks and whores. “A very
likely story,” said Banter, “that I should attempt to borrow money of a man who
is obliged to practise a thousand shifts to make his weekly allowance hold out
till Saturday night. Sometimes he sleeps four-and-twenty hours at a stretch, by
which means he saves three meals, besides coffee-house expense. Sometimes he
is fain to put up with bread and cheese and small beer for dinner; and sometimes
he regales on twopennyworth of ox cheek in a cellar.” “You are a lying
miscreant!” cried Medlar, in an ecstacy of rage; “I can always command money
enough to pay your tailor’s bill, which I am sure is no trifle; and I have a good
mind to give you a convincing proof of my circumstances, by prosecuting you
for defamation, sirrah.” By this time the violence of his wrath had deprived him
of his appetite, and he sat silent, unable to swallow one mouthful, while his
tormentor enjoyed his mortification, and increased his chagrin, by advising him
to lay in plentifully for his next day’s fast.
Dinner being ended, we came down stairs to the coffee room, and Banter went
away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should see Wagtail and me
in the evening at the Bedford Coffee-house. He was no sooner gone than the old
gentleman took me aside, and said, he was sorry to see me so intimate with that
fellow, who was one of the most graceless rakes about town, and had already
wasted a good estate and constitution upon harlots; that he had been the ruin of
many a young man, by introducing them into debauched company, and setting a
lewd example of all manner of wickedness; and that, unless I were on my guard,
he would strip me in a short time both of my money and reputation. I thanked
him for his information, and promised to conduct myself accordingly, wishing,
however, his caution had been a few hours more early, by which means I might
have saved five guineas. Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was inclinable to
impute some part of the charge to Medlar’s revenge for the liberties taken with
him at dinner; and therefore, as soon as I could disengage myself, applied to
Wagtail for his opinion of the character in question, resolved to compare their
accounts, allowing for the prejudice of each, and to form my judgment upon
both, without adhering strictly to either. The doctor assured me, that he was a
very pretty gentleman of family and fortune; a scholar, a wit, a critic, and
perfectly well acquainted with the town; that his honour and courage were
unquestionable, though some extravagances he had been guilty of, and his
talents for satire had procured him enemies, and made some people shy of his
acquaintance. From these different sketches, I concluded that Banter was a
young fellow of some parts, who had spent his fortune, but retained his
appetites, and fallen out with the world, because he could not enjoy it to his
wish.
I went to the Bedford Coffee-house in the evening, where I met my friends,
from thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried them home to my
lodgings, where we supped in great good humour.
 CHAPTER XLIX

I receive a Challenge—the Consequence of it—the Quarrel

being made up, am put in Arrest by the Care and Affection of
Strap—but immediately released upon explaining my Affair—
the Behaviour of Mr. Oregan and his two Friends—I visit
Melinda, whom I divert with an account of the Duel—propose
Marriage—she refers the Matter to her Mother, of whom I make
a solemn Demand of her Daughter—the old Lady’s behaviour—
I am discarded—-resent their Disdain

When I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a letter, To Mr.
Random, Esq., these; which, upon opening, I found contained a challenge
conceived in these very extraordinary terms:

“Sir,—Whereas I am informed that you make love to Miss

Melinda Goosetrap, this is to let you know that she is under
promise of marriage to me; and that I am at this present waiting
at the back of Montague House, with a pair of good pistols in
my hand; and if you will keep your appointment, I will make
your tongue confess (after the breath is out of your body) that
you do not deserve her so well as

Yours, etc.
Rourk Oregan.”

I guessed, from the style and superscription of this billet, that my rival was a
true Milesian, and was not a little uneasy at the contents; especially that part, in
which he asserted his right to my mistress by promise, a circumstance I did not
not know how to reconcile to her good sense and penetration. However, this was
no time for me to decline the defiance, because the success of my addresses in a
great measure depended upon my behaviour in that affair. I therefore
immediately loaded my pistols, and betook myself in a hackney coach to the
place appointed, where I found a tall raw-boned man, with a hard-featured
countenance and black bushy beard, walking by himself, wrapped up in a shabby
green coat, over which his own hair descended in leathern queue from his head,
that was covered with a greasy hat trimmed with a tarnished pointe d’Espagne.
He had no sooner perceived me advancing than he pulled a pistol from his
bosom, and, presenting it at me, snapped it without the least preamble. Alarmed
at this rude salutation, I made a stand, and, before he could adjust his other
piece, fired one of mine at him, without doing any damage, By this time he was
ready with his second, that flashed in the pan without going off; upon which he
called, with a true Tipperary cadence, “Fire away, honey!” and began to hammer
his flint with great deliberation. But I was resolved to make use of the advantage
fortune had given me, and therefore stepped up without throwing away my fire,
desiring him to ask his life, or prepare for another world; but this stout Hibernian
refused to condescend, and complained bitterly of my having quitted my ground
before he could return my shot: saying I ought to go back to my station, and let
him have an equal chance with me. I endeavoured to persuade him that I had
given him a double chance already: and it was my business to prevent him from
enjoying a third; but now, since I had an opportunity, I demanded a parley, and
desired to know his condition and reason for calling me to the field, who, to the
best of my remembrance, far from having done him any injury, had never before
seen him. He told me that he was a gentleman of fortune, who had spent all he
had, and, hearing that Melinda had got ten thousand pounds, he intended to
make himself master of that sum by espousing her, and he was determined, in an
honourable way, to cut the throats of all those who stood between him and his
hopes.
I then demanded to know the foundation of his hopes; and now that I had seen
him, being more and more astonished at the circumstance of the promise, desired
that he would explain that mystery. He gave me to understand, that he trusted
entirely to his birth and personal merit; that he had frequently written to
Melinda, setting forth his claim and pretensions, but she was never kind enough
to send an answer, or even to admit him into her presence; and that the promise
he mentioned in his letter was made by his friend Mr. Gahagan, who assured him
that no woman could resist a man of his appearance. I could not forbear laughing
to excess at the simplicity of my rival, who did not seem to relish my mirth, but
began to be very serious: upon which I endeavoured to appease him, by giving
him my word and honour that, far from prejudicing his addresses to the lady, I
would represent him to her in the most favourable light I could with any regard
to truth; but he must not be surprised if she should remain blind to his deserts,
for nothing was more capricious than a woman’s mind, and the affection of that
sex was seldom purchased with virtue alone. That my declaration might have the
better effect, I took notice of his deshabille, and, professing sorrow at seeing a
gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas into his hand, at sight of which he threw
away his pistols, and hugging me in his arms, cried, “Arrah, by Jasus, now, you
are the best friend I have met with these seven long years!” When I had suffered
some minutes in his embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his rusty arms,
wished the devil might burn him if ever he should give me any further trouble
about womankind.
The quarrel being thus amicably composed, I begged leave to look at his
pistols, which I found so crazy and so foul, that I believe it was happy for him
neither of them was discharged, for one of them would certainly have split in the
going off, and he would, in all probability, have lost his hand in the explosion;
but what gave me a lively idea of the man’s character was, to find, upon
examination, that one of them had been loaded without being primed, and the
other primed without a charge.
While we walked home together, I expressed a desire of knowing my new
friend’s history; and he informed me of his having served in the German army as
a volunteer against the Turks; that for his behaviour at the siege of Belgrade, he
had been honoured with an ensign’s commission, and afterwards promoted to the
rank of lieutenant, in which station it was his misfortune to affront his captain,
who challenged him to the field, and was killed in the duel, upon which he was
obliged to retreat; that he had been in England some years soliciting his friends
for provision in the British army; but being hitherto unsuccessful, was desired by
Mr. Gahagan to turn his thoughts to matrimony, and make his fortune by an
advantageous match; in consequence of which advice, he had made up to
Melinda: and, having heard by means of an Irish footman in the family, that I
was her chief favourite, had called me out in hopes of removing by my death the
greatest obstruction to his desires; but now he was convinced of my honour and
generosity, he swore by the blessed Virgin, he would think of her no more, if
there were not another woman in the world. As a further proof of his veracity,
which I did not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff-box, and pulled out his
commission in the Imperial army, and his captain’s challenge, which he
preserved as testimonials of his character. I was so well convinced of this poor
man’s honesty and courage, that I determined to speak in his behalf to some of
my acquaintance, who might recommend his case to the consideration of those
who could provide for him; and in the meantime to accommodate him with a
few clothes, by which his appearance would be much mended, and himself
enabled to renew his solicitations in person.
As we walked along conversing socially together, we were met by a file of
musketeers, and Strap at their head, who no sooner approached than, with a
frantic look, he cried, “Seize them! In the name of God seize them!” We were
accordingly surrounded, and I put in arrest by the corporal, who was
commanding officer; but Captain Oregan disengaged himself, and ran with such
speed towards Tottenham Court Road that he was out of sight in a moment.
When my arms were delivered up, and myself secured, Strap became a little
more composed, and asked pardon for the liberty he had taken, which he hoped I
would excuse, as it proceeded from his affection. He then told me that,
suspecting the letter (which by the by was brought by the author himself)
contained something extraordinary, he had peeped through the keyhole, and seen
me load my pistols; upon which he ran down to Whitehall, and applied to the
officer on guard for a party to put me in arrest, but before he returned, I was
gone in a coach; that he had inquired which way I went, and, having heard that
duels were commonly fought at the back of Montague House, he conducted the
guard to this place, where he thanked God for having found me safe and sound. I
gave him to understand that I forgave his officious concern for once, but
cautioned him in pretty severe terms for making me the subject of idle
conversation for the future; then turning to the corporal, thanked him for his
care, and gave him a crown to drink with his men, assuring him that the
rencontre was over long before he came up, and everything compromised, as he
might have observed by our behaviour; as a farther proof of which, he would
find upon examination that one of my pistols had been discharged: but this civil
person, without giving himself or me any farther trouble, received the bounty
with a thousand bows and acknowledgments, and, returning the pistols, released
me immediately.
He was not gone a hundred yards, when my friend Oregan came up in order to
rescue me, with two tatterdemalions, whom he had engaged for that purpose
about the purlieus of St. Giles’s. One of them was armed with a musket that
wanted a lock, and another with a rusty broadsword, but their dress surpassed all
description. When he understood I was already free he made an apology for his
abrupt departure, and introduced me to his two companions: First, to Counsellor
Fitzclabber, who, he told me, was then employed in compiling a history of the
kings of Minster, from Irish manuscripts; and then to his friend Mr. Gahagan,
who was a profound philosopher and politician, and had projected many
excellent schemes for the good of his country. But it seems these literati had
been very ill rewarded for their ingenious labours; for, between them both, there
was but one shirt, and half a pair of breeches. I thanked them very kindly for
their readiness to assist me, and, having offered my service in my turn, bade
them good morrow, desiring Oregan to accompany me to my lodgings, where he
was fitted with decent clothes from my wardrobe, so much to his satisfaction,
that he swore eternal gratitude and friendship to me, and, at my request,
recounted all the adventures of his life.
In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, who received me with great kindness
and familiarity, and laughed excessively at my adventure with the Irishman, to
whose wishes she was no stranger, having more than a dozen letters in her
possession, which he had written to her on the subject of love, and which, for my
entertainment, she submitted to my perusal. Having made ourselves merry at the
expense of this poor admirer, I seized the opportunity of her mother’s going out
of the room, and introduced my own passion, which I recommended to her with
all the ardour and eloquence I was master of. I flattered, sighed, swore,
entreated, and acted a thousand extravagancies, in hopes of making some
impression on her heart; but she heard everything I said without discovering the
least emotion; and other company came in before she would vouchsafe one
serious reply. After tea, the cards were brought in according to custom, and it
was my good fortune to have Melinda for my partner; by which means, instead
of losing, I came off with five guineas clear gain.
I soon became acquainted with a good many people of fashion, and spent my
time in the modish diversions of the town, such as plays, operas, masquerades,
drums, assemblies, and muppet-shows; chiefly in company with Melinda, whom
I cultivated with all the eagerness and address that my prospect could inspire,
and my education afford. I spared neither my person nor my purse to gratify her
vanity and pride; my rivals were intimidated, and indeed outshone; and, after all,
I began to fear that the dear creature had not a heart to lose.
At last, finding myself unable to support the expense of this amour much
longer, I was determined to bring the matter to a crisis; and one evening, while
we were together by ourselves, complained of her indifference, described the
tortures of suspense to a love-sick mind, and pressed her to disclose her
sentiments of matrimony and me with such earnestness, that she could not, with
all her art, shift the subject, but was obliged to come to an eclaircissement. She
told me, with a careless air, that she had no objection to my person, and if I
could satisfy her mother in other particulars, I should not find her averse to the
match; but she was resolved to do nothing in such a momentous concern without
the advice and consent of her parent. This was no very agreeable declaration to
me, whose aim had been to win her inclination first, and then secure my
conquest by a private marriage, to which I flattered myself she would express no
reluctance. That I might not, however, desert my cause before it was desperate, I
waited on her mother; and, with great formality, demanded the daughter in
marriage. The good lady, who was a very notable woman, behaved with great
state and civility; thanked me for the honour I intended her family; and said, she
did not doubt that I was in all respects qualified to make a woman happy; but it
concerned her as a parent anxious about the welfare of her child, to inquire into
the particulars of my fortune, and know what settlement I proposed to make. To
this intimation, which would have utterly disconcerted me if I had not expected
it, I replied, without hesitation that, though my fortune was very small, I was a
gentleman by birth and education, would maintain her daughter in the sphere of
a gentlewoman, and settle her own dowry on her and her heirs for ever. This
careful matron did not seem to relish my proposal, but observed, with a demure
countenance, that there was no necessity for settling that upon her child which
was her own already; however, if I pleased, her lawyer should confer with mine
upon the matter; and, in the meantime, she desired I would favour her with a
perusal of my rent-roll. Notwithstanding the vexation I was under, I could scarce
forbear laughing in her face at the mention of my rent-roll, which was indeed a
severe piece of satire upon my pretensions. I frankly owned I had no landed
estate; and told her that I could not exactly specify the sum I was master of, until
I had regulated my affairs, which were at present in some disorder; but that I
would take an opportunity of satisfying her on that head very soon.
It was not long before I took my leave, and returned to my lodgings in a very
melancholy mood, persuaded that I had nothing more to expect from that
quarter. I was confirmed in this opinion next day, when I went back with a view
of explaining myself more fully to the old gentlewoman; and was told by the
footman that his ladies were not at home, although I had seen Melinda through
the blinds at a parlour window, as I went up to the door. Incensed at this affront,
I quitted the door without saying one word, and as I repassed the parlour, bowed
to Miss, who still remained in the same situation, securely screened, as she
thought, from my view.
This disappointment gave me more uneasiness on Strap’s account than my
own, for I was in no danger of dying for love of Melinda; on the contrary, the
remembrance of my charming Narcissa was a continual check upon my
conscience during the whole course of my addresses; and perhaps contributed to
the bad success of my scheme, by controlling my raptures and condemning my
design.
There was a necessity for informing my companion of everything that
happened to me and I performed this piece of duty in an affected passion,
swearing I would be his pack-horse no longer, and desiring him to take the
management of his affairs into his own hands. This finesse had the desired effect,
for, instead of grumbling over my miscarriage, Strap was frightened at the
passion I feigned, and begged me, for the love of God, to be appeased; observing
that, although we had suffered a great loss, it was not irreparable; and if Fortune
frowned to day, she might perhaps smile to-morrow. I pretended to acquiesce in
his remarks, praise his equanimity, and promised to improve my misfortune. He,
on the other hand, pretended to be perfectly well satisfied with my conduct, and
conjured me to follow the dictates of my own reflection; but, in spite of all his
affectation, I could perceive his inward affliction, and his visage sensibly
increased in longitude from that day.
 CHAPTER L

I long to be revenged on Melinda—apply to Banter for his

Assistance—he contrives a scheme for that purpose—which is
put in Execution with great Success—I make an Attempt upon
the Heart of Miss Gripewell, but am disappointed—grow
melancholy at my Disappointment, and have recourse to the
Bottle—receive a Billet-doux—am ravished with the Contents
—find myself involved in Intrigue, which I imagined would
make my Fortune—am confounded at my mistake, which
banishes all Thoughts of Matrimony

In the meantime, my attention was wholly engrossed in search of another

mistress, and the desire of being revenged on Melinda, in both which schemes I
was very much assisted by Billy Chatter, who was such a necessary creature
among the ladies, that in all private dances he engaged the men. To him therefore
I applied, desiring he would introduce me to a partner of some figure, at the next
private assembly, for the sake of a frolic, the intention of which I would
afterwards communicate. Billy, who had heard something of a difference
between Melinda and me, immediately smoked part of my design, and, thinking
I only wanted to alarm her jealousy a little, promised to gratify my desire, by
matching me with a partner worth thirty thousand pounds, whom the ladies of
this end of the town had lately taken under their management and protection.
Upon further inquiry, I found this person’s name was Miss Biddy Gripewell; that
her father, who had been a pawnbroker, died intestate, by which means all his
substance descended to his daughter, who was so little a favourite that, could the
old man have prevailed with his own rapacious disposition to part with as much
money as would have paid the expense of a will, she would not have inherited
the sixth part of his fortune; that during his life, far from being educated in a way
suitable to such great expectations, she was obliged to live like a servant wench,
and do the most menial offices in the family. But his funeral was no sooner
performed, than she assumed the fine lady, and found so many people of both
sexes to flatter, caress, and instruct her, that, for want of discretion and
experience, she was grown insufferably vain and arrogant, and pretended to no
less than a duke or earl at least for her husband; that she had the misfortune to be
neglected by the English quality, but a certain poor Scottish lord was then
making interest to be introduced to her acquaintance. In the meantime, she was
fallen into the hands of a notable lady, who had already disposed of her to a
lieutenant of foot, a distant relation of her ladyship’s, though Miss as yet knew
nothing of the affair; and lastly that if I proposed to dance with her, I must give
him leave to represent me as a knight, or foreign count at least. I was ravished at
this piece of information, and consented for one night, to personate a French
marquis, that I might the easier fulfil my revenge.
Having made the appointment with Chatter I went to Banter’s lodgings, as I
had by this time conceived a great opinion of his penetration and knowledge;
and, after I had enjoined secrecy, told him every circumstance of my disgrace
with Melinda, and imparted the plan I had projected to mortify that proud
coquette, desiring his advice in proving, and assistance in executing the scheme.
Nothing could be more agreeable to his misanthropical temper than an account
of her behaviour and my resentment: he applauded my resolution, and proposed
that I should not only provide myself with a proper partner, but also procure
such a one for Miss Goosetrap, as should infallibly entail upon her the ridicule of
all her acquaintance. For this purpose he mentioned his barber who he said, was
an exceeding coxcomb lately come from Paris, whose absurd affectation and
grimace, would easily pass upon her for the sprightly politesse of a gentleman
improved by travel. I hugged him for this hint; and he assured me it would be no
difficult matter to make him believe, that Melinda, having seen him by accident,
was captivated by his appearance, and begged for his acquaintance. He actually
engaged him on this pretence, and painted his good fortune in such colours that
the poor shaver was quite beside himself with joy. He was immediately fitted
with a tawdry suit of clothes belonging to Banter, and by him recommended to
Chatter as a very pretty fellow, just returned from his travels. Master Billy, who
acted as a gentleman usher to a great many of the fair sex in and about town,
undertook at once to bespeak Melinda in his behalf; and everything happened
according to my wish.
 At the time appointed I appeared dressed to the best advantage; and, in the
character of a Marquis, had the honour of opening the ball with the rich heiress,
who attracted the eyes of the whole company by the prodigious number of
jewels with which she was adorned. Among others I perceived Melinda, who
could not more conceal her envy than astonishment at my success; her curiosity
was still more flagrant and tormenting, for she had never seen Miss Gripewell
before; and Chatter, who alone could give her any satisfaction on that head, was
engaged in conversation at the other end of the room. I observed her impatience,
and exulted in her chagrin; and after my partner was set, took the opportunity of
passing by her to make a slight bow without stopping, which completed my
triumph and her indignation. She changed colour, bridled up, assumed an air of
disdain, and flirted her fan with such a fury, that it went to pieces in a moment,
to the no small entertainment of those who sat near and observed her.
At length the metamorphosed barber took her out, and acted his part with such
ridiculous extravagance that the mirth of the whole company was excited at his
expense, and his partner was so much ashamed that, before the country dances
began, she retired in great confusion, under pretence of being taken suddenly ill,
and was followed by her gallant, who no doubt imagined her indisposition was
nothing but love; and laid hold of the occasion of conducting her home, to
comfort her, with an assurance of his entertaining a reciprocal passion. They
were no sooner gone than an inquisitive whisper of “Who is he?” ran round the
room; and Chatter could give them no other intelligence about him than that he
was a man of fortune just returned from his travels. I, who alone was acquainted
with his real quality, affected ignorance well knowing that female curiosity
would not rest satisfied with such a general account, and that the discovery
would proceed with a better grace from anybody than me.
Meanwhile, I was tempted by the richness of the prize to practise upon Miss
Gripewell’s heart, but soon found it too well fortified with pride and indifference
to yield to any efforts in my own character, and I neither would nor could
preserve the title I had borrowed longer than that night.
As I expected, everything came to light next day. The barber, in pure
simplicity of heart, detected himself to Melinda, and discovered the foundation
of his hopes; she sickened at the affront, and was ashamed to show her face in
public for many weeks after this accident. Poor Chatter found it impossible to
justify himself to her satisfaction; was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell, for
having imposed me upon her as a nobleman; and suffered very much in his
character and influence among the ladies in general.
Finding my finances diminished more than one-half, and my project as little
advanced as on the first day of my arrival in town, I began to despair of my
success, and grew melancholy at the prospect of approaching want. To dispel the
horrors of this fiend I had recourse to the bottle, and kept more company than
ever. I became particularly attached to the playhouse, conversed with the actors
behind the scenes, grew acquainted with a body of templars, and in a short time
commenced a professed wit and critic. Indeed, I may say, without vanity, that I
was much better qualified than any one of my companions, who were, generally
speaking, of all the creatures I ever conversed with, the most ignorant and
assuming. By means of these avocations I got the better of care, and learned to
separate my ideas in such a manner that, whenever I was attacked by a gloomy
reflection, I could shove it aside, and call in some agreeable reverie to my
assistance. This was not the case with Strap, who practised a thousand shifts to
conceal the sorrow that preyed upon his carcass, and reduced him to the
resemblance of a mere skeleton.
While I thus posted, in a thoughtless manner, towards poverty, I one day
received, by the penny post, a letter written in a woman’s hand, containing a
great many high-flown compliments, warm protestations of love, couched in a
very poetical style, an earnest desire of knowing whether or not my heart was
engaged, by leaving an answer at a certain place, directed to R. B., and the
whole subscribed “Your incognita.” I was transported with joy on reading the
contents of this billet-doux, which I admired as a masterpiece of tenderness and
elegance, and was already up to my ears in love with the author, whom my
imagination represented as a lady of fortune, in the bloom of youth and beauty.
Elevated with this conjecture, I went to work, and exhausted my invention in
composing an answer suitable to the sublimity of her style and the ardour of her
sentiments. I expressed my admiration of her wit in terms the most hyperbolical,
and while I acknowledged myself unworthy of her regard, declared myself
enamoured of her understanding; and in the most pathetic manner implored the
honour of an interview. Having finished this performance, and communicated it
to Strap, who skipped about for joy, I dispatched him with it to the place
appointed, which was the house of a milliner not far from Bond Street, and
desired him to keep watch near the door for some time, that he might discover
the person who should call for it. In less than an hour he returned with a joyful
countenance, and told me that, soon after he had delivered the letter, a chairman
was called, to whom it was given, with directions to carry it to the house of a
rich gentleman in the neighbourhood, whither he (Strap) followed him, and saw
him put it into the hands of a waiting-woman, who paid the messenger, and shut
the door; that, upon inquiry at an alehouse hard by, where he called for a pint of
beer, he understood the gentleman to whom the house belonged had an only
daughter, very handsome, who would inherit his whole estate; and who certainly
was the author of the billet I had received. I was of the same opinion, and,
hugging myself in the happy prospect, dressed immediately, and passed in great
state the house that contained my unknown admirer. Nor was my vanity
disappointed; for I perceived a beautiful young creature standing at one of the
windows of the dining-room, who, I imagined, observed me with more than
common curiosity. That I might indulge her view, and at the same time feast my
own, I affected to stop, and gave orders to Strap, in the street, just opposite to her
station, by which means I had an opportunity of seeing her more distinctly, and
of congratulating myself on having made a conquest of so much perfection. In a
few moments she retired, and I betook myself to the ordinary in a rapture of
hope, which deprived me of my appetite for that meal, and sent me home in the
evening to indulge my contemplation.
Early next day, I was favoured with another epistle from my unknown
admirer, signifying her unutterable joy at the receipt of mine, which, while it
made a tender of my heart, convinced her of the value of it. Above all things, she
professed her extreme pleasure in finding me so much attached to her
understanding, a circumstance that not only flattered her in the most sensible
part, but at the same time argued my own sagacity. As for the interview I desired,
she assured me, that I could not be more eager for such an occasion than she; but
she must not only sacrifice a little more to decorum, but be satisfied of my
honourable intentions, before she could grant that request. Meanwhile she gave
me to understand that, although she might owe some deference to the opinion of
certain persons, she was resolved, in an affair that so nearly concerned her
happiness, to consult her own inclination, preferable to the advice of the whole
world; especially as she was urged to such condescension by no consideration of
fortune, what she depended upon being her own without restriction or control.
Struck with admiration at the philosophy and self-denial of my mistress, who
seemed insensible of the beauty she possessed, and in particular ravished with
that piece of intelligence by which I learned her fortune was independent; I
resumed the pen, launched out into encomiums on the dignity of her sentiments,
affected to undervalue the charms of external beauty, pretended to ground my
passion on the qualities of her mind, complained of her rigour in sacrificing my
repose to an overscrupulous regard to decorum, and declared the purity of my
designs in the most solemn and pathetic vows. This performance being sealed
and directed, was sent to the place appointed by Strap, who, that we might be
still the more confirmed in our belief, renewed his watch, and in a little time
brought back the same information as before, with this addition, that Miss
Sparkle (the name of my correspondent), looking out at the window, no sooner
saw the messenger arrive, than she shut the casement in a sort of beautiful
confusion, and disappeared, eager no doubt to hear from the dear object of her
love.
My doubts now vanished, the long-expected port appeared, and I looked upon
myself as perfectly secure of that happiness I had been in quest of so long. After
dinner, I sauntered in company with Dr. Wagtail, to that part of the town in
which my inamorata lived; and, as he was a mere register, inquired of him into
the name, character, and fortune of everybody who possessed a good house in
the streets through which we passed. When it came to his turn to mention Sir
John Sparkle, he represented him as a man of an immense estate and narrow
disposition, who mewed up his only child, a fine young lady, from the
conversation of mankind, under the strict watch and inspection of an old
governante, who was either so honest, envious, or insatiable, that nobody had
been as yet able to make her a friend, or get access to her charge, though
numbers attempted it every day; not so much on account of her expectations
from her father, who, being a widower, might marry again and have sons, as for
a fortune of twelve thousand pounds left her by an uncle, of which she could not
be deprived. This piece of news, exactly tallying with the last part of the letter I
had been honoured with in the morning, had such an effect on me, that any man
except Wagtail might have observed my emotion; but his attention was too much
engrossed by the contemplation of his own importance to suffer him to be
affected with the deportment of any other body, unless it happened to be so
particular that he could not help taking notice of it.
When I had disengaged myself from him, whose conversation grew insipid to
me, I went home, and made Strap acquainted with the fruit of my researches.
This faithful squire was almost choked with transport, and even wept with joy;
but whether on account of himself or me, I shall not pretend to determine. Next
day a third billet-doux was brought to me, containing many expressions of
tenderness, mingled with some affecting doubts about the artifice of man, the
inconstancy of youth, and the jealousy often attending the most sincere passion;
withal desiring I would excuse her, if she should try me a little longer, before she
declared herself beyond the power of retracting. These interesting scruples added
fuel to my flame and impatience to my hope; I redoubled my complaints of her
indifference, and pressed her to an assignation with such fervent entreaties, that
in a few days she consented to meet me at the house of that milliner who had
forwarded all my letters. During the interval between the date of her promise and
the hour of appointment, my pride soared beyond all reason and description; I
lost all remembrance of the gentle Narcissa, and my thoughts were wholly
employed in planning triumphs over the malice and contempt of the world.
At length the happy hour arrived. I flew to the place of rendezvous, and was
conducted into an apartment, where I had not waited ten minutes, when I heard
the rustling of silk, and the sound of feet ascending the stairs; my heart took the
alarm, and beat quick; my cheeks glowed, my nerves thrilled, and my knees
shook with ecstacy! I perceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade petticoat
advance, and sprang forward to embrace my charmer. Heaven and earth! how
shall I paint my situation, when I found Miss Sparkle converted into a wrinkled
hag turned of seventy! I was struck dumb with amazement, and petrified with
horror! This ancient Urganda, perceived my disorder, and, approaching with a
languishing air, seized my hand, asking in a squeaking tone, if I was indisposed.
Her monstrous affectation completed the disgust I had conceived for her at her
first appearance, and it was a long time before I could command myself so much
as to behave with common civility: at length, however, I recollected myself, and
pronounced an apology for my behaviour, which I said proceeded from a
dizziness that seized me all of a sudden. My hoary Dulcinea, who, no doubt, had
been alarmed at my confusion, no sooner learned the cause to which I now
ascribed it, than she discovered her joy in a thousand amorous coquetries, and
assumed the sprightly airs of a girl of sixteen. One while she ogled me with her
dim eyes, quenched in rheum; then, as if she was ashamed of that freedom, she
affected to look down, blush, and play with her fan; then toss her head that I
might not perceive a palsy that shook it, ask some childish questions with a
lisping accent, giggle and grin with her mouth shut to conceal the ravage of time
upon her teeth, leer upon me again, sigh piteously, fling herself about in her chair
to show her agility, and act a great many more absurdities that youth and beauty
can alone excuse. Shocked as I was at my disappointment, my disposition was
incapable of affronting any person who loved me; I therefore endeavoured to put
a good face to the matter for the present, resolved to drop the whole affair as
soon as I should get clear of her company; with this view, I uttered some civil
things, and in particular desired to know the name and condition of the lady who
had honoured me so much. She told me her name was Withers, that she lived
with Sir John Sparkle in quality of governess to his only daughter, in which
situation she had picked up a comfortable sufficiency to make her easy for life;
that she had the pleasure of seeing me at church, where my appearance and
deportment made such an impression upon her heart, that she could enjoy no
ease until she had inquired into my character, which she found so amiable in all
respects, that she yielded to the violence of her inclination, and ventured to
declare her passion with too little regard perhaps to the decorum of her sex; but
she hoped I would forgive a trespass of which I myself was in some measure the
cause, and impute her intrusion to the irresistible dictates of love. No decayed
rake ever swallowed a bolus with more reluctance than I felt in making a reply
suitable to this compliment, when, instead of the jewel, I found the crazy casket
only in my power; and yet my hopes began to revive a little, when I considered,
that, by carrying on the appearance of an intrigue with the duenna, I might
possibly obtain access to her charge. Encouraged by this suggestion, my temper
grew more serene, my reserve wore off, I talked en cavalier, and even made love
to this antiquated coquette, who seemed extremely happy in her adorer, and
spread all her allurements to make her imagined conquest more secure. The good
woman of the house treated us with tea and sweetmeats, and afterwards
withdrew, like a civil experienced matron as she was.
Left thus to our mutual endearments, Miss Withers (for she was still a maiden)
began to talk of matrimony, and expressed so much impatience in all her
behaviour that, had she been fifty years younger, I might possibly have gratified
her longing without having recourse to the church; but this step my virtue as
well as interest forbade. When the inclinations of an old maid settle upon a
young fellow, he is persecuted with her addresses; but, should he once grant her
the favour, he will never be able to disentangle himself from her importunities
and reproaches. It was my business to defer the ceremony as long as possible,
under the most specious pretences, with a view of becoming acquainted with
Miss Sparkle in the meantime; and I did not despair of success, when I
considered, that in the course of our correspondence, I should, in all probability,
be invited to visit my mistress in her own apartment, and by these means have an
opportunity of conversing with her charming ward. Pleased with this prospect,
my heart dilated with joy; I talked in raptures to the state governante, and kissed
her shrivelled hand with great devotion, She was so much transported with her
good fortune, that she could not contain her ecstacy, but flew upon me like a
tigress, and pressed her skinny lips to mine; when (as it was no doubt concerted
by her evil genius) a dose of garlic she had swallowed that morning, to dispel
wind, I suppose, began to operate with such a sudden explosion, that human
nature, circumstanced as I was, could not endure the shock with any degree of
temper. I lost all patience and reflection, flung away from her in an instant,
snatched my hat and cane, and ran downstairs as if the devil had me in pursuit,
and could scarcely retain the convulsion of my bowels, which were grievously
offended by the perfume that assaulted me. Strap, who waited my return with
impatience, seeing me arrive in the utmost disorder, stood motionless with
apprehension, and durst not inquire into the cause.
After I had washed my mouth, more than once, and recruited my spirits with a
glass of wine, I recounted to him every particular of what had happened; to
which he made no other reply for some time than lifting up his eyes, clasping his
hands, and uttering a hollow groan. At length he observed, in a melancholy tone,
that it was a thousand pities my organs were so delicate as to be offended with
the smell of garlic. “Ah! God help us,” said he, “’tis not the steams of garlic, no,
nor of something else, that would give me the least uneasiness—see what it is to
be a cobler’s son!” I replied hastily, “I wish then you would go and retrieve my
miscarriage.” At this suggestion he started, forced a smile, and left the room,
shaking his head. Whether the old gentlewoman resented my abrupt departure so
much that her love changed into disdain, or was ashamed to see me on account
of her infirmity, I know not; but I was never troubled again with her passion.
 CHAPTER LI

I cultivate an Acquaintance with two Noblemen—am introduced

to earl Strutwell—his kind Promise and Invitation—the
Behaviour of his Porter and Lacquey—he receives me with an
Appearance of uncommon Affection—undertakes to speak in
my Behalf to the Minister—informs me of his Success, and
wishes me Joy—introduces a Conversation about Petronius
Arbiter—falls in Love with my Watch, which I press upon him
—I make a present of a Diamond Ring to Lord Straddle—impart
my good Fortune to Strap and Banter, who disabuses me, to my
utter Mortification

Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my talents

for the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts towards some
employment under the government. With the view of procuring which, I
cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle and Swillpot, whose fathers were
men of interest at court. I found these young noblemen as open to my advances
as I could desire; I accompanied them in their midnight rambles, and often dined
with them at taverns, where I had the honour of paying the reckoning.
I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations of
friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some sinecure, and to solicit
their influence in my behalf. Swillpot, squeezing my hand, said, I might depend
upon his service by G—. The other swore that no man would be more proud than
he to run my errands. Encouraged by these declarations, I ventured to express an
inclination to be introduced to their fathers, who were able to do my business at
once. Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoken to his father these three years;
and Straddle assured me, his father, having lately disobliged the minister by
subscribing his name to a protest in the house of peers, was thereby rendered
incapable of serving his friends at present; but he undertook to make me
acquainted with Earl Strutwell, who was hand and glove with a certain person
who ruled the roast. This offer I embraced with many acknowledgments, and
plied him so closely, in spite of a thousand evasions, that he found himself under
a necessity of keeping his word, and actually carried me to the levee of this great
man, where he left me in a crowd of fellow-dependents, and was ushered to a
particular closet audience; from whence, in a few minutes, he returned with his
lordship, who took me by the hand, assured me he would do me all the service
he could, and desired to see me often. I was charmed with my reception, and,
although I had heard that a courtier’s promise is not to be depended upon, I
thought I discovered so much sweetness of temper and candour in this earl’s
countenance, that I did not doubt of finding my account in his protection. I
resolved therefore to profit by this permission, and waited on him next audience
day, when I was favoured with a particular smile, squeeze of the hand, and a
whisper, signifying that he wanted half-an-hour’s conversation with me in
private, when he should be disengaged, and for that purpose desired me to come
and drink a dish of chocolate with him to-morrow morning.
This invitation, which did not a little flatter my vanity and expectation, I took
care to observe, and went to his lordship’s house at the time appointed. Having
rapped at the gate, the porter unbolted and kept it half open, placing himself in
the gap, like soldiers in the broach, to dispute my passage. I asked if his lord was
stirring? He answered with a surly aspect, “No.” “At what hour does he
commonly rise?” said I. “Sometimes sooner, sometimes later,” said he, closing
the door upon me by degrees. I then told him I was come by his lordship’s own
appointment, to which intimation this Cerberus replied, “I have received no
orders about the matter,” and was upon the point of shutting me out, when I
recollected myself all of a sudden, and slipping a crown into his hand, begged as
a favour that he would inquire, and let me know whether or not the earl was up.
The grim janitor relented at the touch of my money, which he took with all the
indifference of a taxgatherer, and showed me into a parlour, where, he said, I
might amuse myself till such time as his lord should be awake. I had not sat ten
minutes in this place, when a footman entered, and, without speaking, started at
me; I interpreted this piece of his behaviour into, “Pray, sir, what is your
business?” and asked the same question I had put to the porter, when I accosted
him first. The lacquey made the same reply, and disappeared before I could get
any further intelligence. In a little time he returned, on pretence of poking the
fire, and looked at me again with great earnestness; upon which I began to
perceive his meaning, and, tipping him with half-a-crown, desired he would be
so good as to fall upon some method of letting the earl know that I was in the
house. He made a low bow, said, “Yes, sir,” and vanished. This bounty was not
thrown away, for in an instant he came back, and conducted me to a chamber,
where I was received with great kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I
found just risen, in his morning-gown, and slippers. After breakfast, he entered
into a particular conversation with me about my travels, the remarks I had made
abroad, and examined me to the full extent of my understanding. My answers
seemed to please him very much, he frequently squeezed my hand, and, looking
at me with a singular complacency in his countenance, bade me depend upon his
good offices with the ministry in my behalf. “Young men of your qualifications,”
said he, “ought to be cherished by every administration. For my own part, I see
so little merit in the world, that I have laid it down as a maxim, to encourage the
least appearance of genius and virtue to the utmost of my power: you have a
great deal of both; and will not fail of making a figure one day, if I am not
mistaken; but you must lay your account with mounting by gradual steps to the
summit of your fortune. Rome was not built in a day. As you understand the
languages perfectly well, how would you like to cross the sea as secretary to an
embassy?” I assured his lordship, with great eagerness, that nothing could be
more agreeable to my inclination: upon which he bade me make myself easy, my
business was done, for he had a place of that kind in his view. This piece of
generosity affected me so much, that I was unable for some time to express my
gratitude, which at length broke out in acknowledgments of my own
unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. I could not even help
shedding tears at the goodness of this noble lord, who no sooner perceived them
than he caught me in his arms, and hugged and kissed me with a seemingly
paternal affection. Confounded at this uncommon instance of fondness for a
stranger, I remained a few moments silent and ashamed; then rose and took my
leave, after he had assured me that he would speak to the minister in my favour
that very day; and desired that I would not for the future give myself the trouble
of attending at his levee, but come at the same hour every day, when he should
be at leisure, that is, three times a week.
Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my
prospect from everybody, even from Strap, until I should be more certain of
success: and in the meantime give my patron no respite from my solicitations.
When I renewed my visit, I found the street-door opened to me as if by
enchantment; but in my passage towards the presence-room, I was met by the
valet-de-chambre, who cast some furious looks at me the meaning of which I
could not comprehend. The earl saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace,
and wished me joy of his success with the Premier, who, he said, had preferred
his recommendation to that of two other noblemen very urgent in behalf of their
respective friends, and absolutely promised that I should go to a certain foreign
court in quality of secretary to an ambassador and plenipotentiary who was to set
out in a few weeks an affair of vast importance to the nation. I was thunderstruck
with my good fortune, and could make no other reply than kneel and attempt to
kiss my benefactor’s hand, which submission he would not permit; but, raising
me up, pressed me to his breast with surprising emotion, and told me he had now
taken upon himself the care of making my fortune. What enhanced the value of
the benefit still the more, was his making light of the favour, and shifting the
conversation to another subject.
Among other topics of discourse, that of the Belles Lettres was introduced,
upon which his lordship held forth with great taste and erudition and discovered
an intimate knowledge of the authors of antiquity, “Here’s a book,” said he,
taking one from his bosom, “written with great elegance and spirit; and, though
the subject may give offence to some narrow-minded people, the author will
always be held in esteem by every person of wit and learning.” So saying, he put
into my hand Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of his wit and manner. I
told him, that, in my opinion, he wrote with great ease and vivacity, but was
withal so lewd and indecent that he ought to find no quarter or protection among
people of morals and taste. “I own,” replied the earl, “that his taste in love is
generally decried, and indeed condemned by our laws; but perhaps that may be
more owing to prejudice and misapprehension than to true reason and
deliberation. The best man among the ancients is said to have entertained that
passion; one of the wisest of their legislators has permitted the indulgence of it
in his commonwealth; the most celebrated poets have not scrupled to avow it. At
this day it prevails not only over all the East, but in most parts of Europe; in our
own country, it gains ground apace, and in all probability will become in a short
time a more, fashionable vice than simple fornication. Indeed there is something
to be said in vindication of it; for, notwithstanding the severity of the law against
offenders in this way, it must be confessed that the practice of this passion is
unattended with that curse and burthen upon society which proceeds from a race
of miserable and deserted bastards, who are either murdered by their parents,
deserted to the utmost want and wretchedness, or bred up to prey upon the
commonwealth: and it likewise prevents the debauchery of many a young
maiden, and the prostitution of honest men’s wives; not to mention the
consideration of health, which is much less liable to be impaired in the
gratification of this appetite, than in the exercise of common venery, which, by
ruining the constitutions of our young men, has produced a puny progeny that
degenerates from generation to generation. Nay, I have been told, that there is
another motive perhaps more powerful than all these, that induces people to
cultivate this inclination; namely, the exquisite pleasure attending its success.”
From this discourse I began to be apprehensive that his lordship, finding I had
travelled, was afraid I might have been infected with this spurious and sordid
desire abroad, and took this method of sounding my sentiments on the subject.
Fired at this supposed suspicion, I argued against it with great warmth, as an
appetite unnatural, absurd, and of pernicious consequence; and declared my utter
detestation and abhorrence of it in these lines of the satirist:—
Eternal infamy the wretch confound
Who planted first that vice on British ground!
A vice! That spite of nature and sense reigns,
And poisons genial love, and manhood stains.

The earl smiled at my indignation, and told me he was glad to find my opinion
of the matter so conformable to his own, and that what he had advanced was
only to provoke me to an answer, with which he professed himself perfectly well
pleased. After I had enjoyed a long audience, I happened to look at my watch, in
order to regulate my motions by it; and his lordship, observing the chased case,
desired to see the device, and examine the exception, which he approved with
some expressions of admiration. Considering the obligations I lay under to his
lordship, I thought there could not be a fitter opportunity than the present to
manifest, in some shape, my gratitude; I therefore begged he would do me the
honour to accept of the watch as a small testimony of the sense I had of his
lordship’s generosity; but, he refused it in a peremptory manner, and said he was
sorry I should entertain such a mercenary opinion of him; observing at the same
time, that it was the most beautiful piece of workmanship he had ever seen, and
desiring to know where he could have such another. I begged a thousand pardons
for the freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would impute to nothing else than
the highest veneration for his person—told him, that, as it came to my hand by
accident in France, I could give him no information about the maker, for there
was no name on the inside; and once more humbly entreated that he would
indulge me so far as to use it for my sake. He was still positive in refusing it; but
was pleased to thank me for my generous offer, saying, it was a present that no
nobleman need be ashamed of receiving: though he was resolved to show his
disinterestedness with regard to me, for whom he had conceived a particular
friendship; and insisted (if I were willing to part with the watch) upon knowing
what it had cost, that he might at least indemnify me, by refunding the money.
On the other hand, I assured his lordship that I should look upon it as an
uncommon mark of distinction, if he would take it without further question; and,
rather than disoblige me, he was at last persuaded to put it in his pocket, to my
no small satisfaction, who took my leave immediately, after having received a
kind squeeze, and an injunction to depend upon his promise.
Buoyed up with this reception, my heart opened; I gave away a guinea, among
the lacqueys, who escorted me to the door, flew to the lodgings of Lord Straddle,
upon whom I forced my diamond ring as an acknowledgment for the great
service he had done me, and from thence hied me home, with an intent of
sharing my happiness with honest Strap. I determined, however, to heighten his
pleasure, by depressing his spirits at first, and then bringing in good news with
double relish. For this purpose, I affected the appearance of disappointment and
chagrin, and told him in an abrupt manner that I had lost the watch and diamond.
Poor Hugh, who had been already harassed into a consumption by intelligence of
this sort, no sooner heard these words, than, unable to contain himself, he cried,
with distraction in his looks, “God in heaven forbid!” I could carry on the farce
no longer; but, laughing in his face, told him everything that had passed, as
above recited. His features were immediately unbended, and the transition was
so affecting, that he wept with joy, calling my Lord Strutwell by the appellations
of Jewel, Phoenix, Rara avis; and praising God, that there was still some virtue
left among our nobility. Our mutual congratulations being over, we gave way to
our imagination, and anticipated our happiness by prosecuting our success
through the different steps of promotion, till I arrived at the rank of a prime
minister, and he to that of my first secretary.
Intoxicated with these ideas, I went to the ordinary, where, meeting with
Banter, I communicated the whole affair in confidence to him, concluding with
an assurance that I would do him all the service in my power. He heard me to an
end with great patience, then regarding me a good while with a look of disdain,
pronounced, “So your business is done, you think?” “As good as done. I
believe,” said I. “I’ll tell you,” replied he, “what will do it still more effectually
—a halter! ’Sdeath! if I had been such a gull to two such scoundrels as Strutwell
and Straddle, I would, without any more ado, tuck myself up.” Shocked at this
exclamation, I desired him with some confusion to explain himself; upon which
he gave me to understand that Straddle was a poor contemptible wretch, who
lived by borrowing and pimping for his fellow-peers; that in consequence of this
last capacity, he had doubtless introduced me to Strutwell, who was so notorious
for a passion for his own sex that he was amazed his character had never reached
my ears; and that, far from being able to obtain for me the post he had promised,
his interest at court was so low, that he could scarce provide for a superannuated
footman once a year in the customs or excise; that it was a common thing for
him to amuse strangers, whom his jackals ran down, with such assurances and
caresses as he had bestowed on me, until he had stripped them of their cash, and
everything valuable about them, very often of their chastity, and then leave them
a prey to want and infamy: that he allowed his servants no other wages than that
part of the spoil which they could glean by their industry; and the whole of his
conduct towards me was so glaring, that nobody who knew anything of mankind
could have been imposed upon by his insinuations.
I leave the reader to judge how I relished this piece of information, which
precipitated me from the most exalted pinnacle of hope to the lowest abyss of
despondence, and well nigh determined me to take Banter’s advice and finish my
chagrin with a halter. I had no room to suspect the veracity of my friend,
because, upon recollection, I found every circumstance of Strutwell’s behaviour
exactly tallying with the character he had described; his hugs, embraces,
squeezes, and eager looks, were now no longer a mystery; no more than his
defence of Petronius, and the jealous frown of his valet-de-chambre, who, it
seems, had been the favourite pathic of his lord.
 CHAPTER LII

I attempt to recover my Watch and Jewel, but to no Purpose—

resolve to revenge myself on Strutwell by my Importunity—am
reduced to my last Guinea—obliged to inform Strap of my
Necessity, who is almost distracted with the News, but
nevertheless obliged to pawn my best Sword for present
Subsistence—that small Supply being exhausted, I am almost
stupified with my Misfortunes—go to the Gaming Table by the
Advice of Banter, and come off with unexpected Success—
Strap’s Ecstacy—Mrs. Gawky waits upon me, professes
Remorse for her Perfidy, and implores my Assistance—I do
myself a Piece of Justice by her Means, and afterwards reconcile
her to her Father

I was so confounded that I could make no reply to Banter, who reproached me

with great indignation for having thrown away upon rascals that which, had it
been converted into ready money, would have supported the rank of a gentleman
for some months, and enabled me, at the same time, to oblige my friends.
Stupified as I was, I could easily divine the source of his concern, but sneaked
away in a solitary manner, without yielding the least answer to his
expostulations; and began to deliberate within myself in what manner I should
attempt to retrieve the movables I had so foolishly lost. I should have thought it
no robbery to take them again by force, could I have done it without any danger
of being detected; but, as I could have no such opportunity, I resolved to work by
finesse, and go immediately to the lodgings of Straddle, where I was so fortunate
as to find him. “My Lord,” said I, “I have just now recollected, that the diamond
I had the honour of presenting to you is loosened a little in the socket, and there
is a young fellow just arrived from Paris, who is reckoned the best jeweller in
Europe; I knew him in France; and, if your lordship will give me leave, will
carry the ring to him to be set to rights.” His lordship was not to be caught in this
snare; he thanked me for my offer, and told me, that, having himself observed
the defect, he had sent it to his own jeweller to be mended; and, indeed, by this
time I believe it was in the jeweller’s hands, though not in order to be mended,
for it stood in need of no alteration.
Balked in this piece of politics, I cursed my simplicity; but resolved to play a
surer game with the earl, which I thus devised. I did not doubt of being admitted
into familiar conversation with him, as before, and hoped by some means to get
the watch into my hand; then, on pretence of winding or playing with it, drop it
on the floor, when, in all probability, the fall would disorder the work so as to
stop its motion; this event would furnish me with an opportunity of insisting
upon carrying it away in order to be repaired, and then I should be in no hurry to
bring it back. What pity it was I could not find an occasion of putting this fine
scheme in execution! When I went to renew my visit to his lordship, my access
to the parlour was as free as ever; but after I had waited for some time, the valet-
de-chambre came in with his lord’s compliments, and a desire to see me to-
morrow at his levee, he being at present so much indisposed that he could not
see company. I interpreted this message into a bad omen, and came away
muttering curses against his lordship’s politeness, and ready to go to loggerheads
with myself for being so egregiously duped. But, that I might have some
satisfaction for the loss I had sustained, I besieged him so closely at his levee,
and persecuted him with my solicitations; not without faint hopes, indeed, of
reaping something more from my industry than the bare pleasure of making him
uneasy; though I could never obtain another private hearing the whole course of
my attendance; neither had I resolution enough to undeceive Strap, whose looks
in a little time were so whetted with impatience, that whenever I came home, his
eyes devoured me, as it were, with eagerness of attention.
At length, however, finding myself reduced to my last guinea, I was
compelled to disclose my necessity, though I endeavoured to sweeten the
discovery by rehearsing to him the daily assurances I received from my patron.
But these promises were not of efficacy sufficient to support the spirits of my
friend, who no sooner understood the lowness of my finances, than, uttering a
dreadful groan, he exclaimed, “In the name of God, what shall we do?” In order
to comfort him, I said, that many of my acquaintances, who were in a worse
condition than we, supported, notwithstanding, the character of gentlemen; and
advising him to thank God that as yet we had incurred no debt, proposed he
should pawn my sword of steel, inlaid with gold, and trust to my discretion for
the rest. This expedient was wormwood and gall to poor Strap, who, in spite of
his invincible affection for me, still retained notions of economy and expense
suitable to the narrowness of his education; nevertheless he complied with my
request, and raised seven pieces on the sword in a twinkling. This supply,
inconsiderable as it was, made me as happy for the present, as if I had kept five
hundred pounds in bank; for by this time I was so well skilled in procrastinating
every troublesome reflection, that the prospect of want seldom affected me very
much, let it be ever so near. And now indeed it was nearer than I imagined. My
landlord, having occasion for money, put me in mind of my being indebted to
him five guineas in lodging; and, telling me he had a sum to make up, begged I
would excuse his importunity, and discharge the debt. Though I could ill spare so
much cash, my pride took the resolution of disbursing it. This I did in a cavalier
manner, after he had written a discharge, telling him with an air of scorn and
resentment, I saw he was resolved that I should not be long in his books; while
Strap, who stood by, and knew my circumstances, wrung his hands in secret,
gnawed his nether lip, and turned yellow with despair. Whatever appearance of
indifference my vanity enabled me to put on, I was thunderstruck with this
demand, which I had no sooner satisfied, than I hastened into company, with a
view of beguiling my cares with conversation, or drowning them with wine.
After dinner, a party was accordingly made in the coffee-house, from whence
we adjourned to the tavern, where, instead of sharing the mirth of the company, I
was as much chagrined at their good humour as a damned soul in hell would be
at a glimpse of heaven. In vain did I swallow bumper after bumper! the wine had
lost its effect upon me, and, far from raising my dejected spirits, could not even
lay me asleep. Banter, who was the only intimate I had (Strap excepted),
perceived my anxiety, and, when we broke up, reproached me with
pusillanimity, for being cast down at my disappointment that such a rascal as
Strutwell could be the occasion of. I told him I did not at all see how Strutwell’s
being a rascal alleviated my misfortune; and gave him to understand that my
present grief did not so much proceed from that disappointment, as from the low
ebb of my fortune, which was sunk to something less than two guineas. At this
declaration he cried, “Psha! is that all?” and assured me there were a thousand
ways of living in town without a fortune, he himself having subsisted many
years entirely by his wit. I expressed an eager desire of being acquainted with
some of these methods, and he, without farther expostulation, bade me follow
him. He conducted me to a house under the piazzas in Covert Garden, which we
entered, and having delivered our swords to a grim fellow who demanded them
at the foot of the staircase, ascended to the second story, where I saw multitudes
of people standing round two gaming-tables, loaded, in a manner, with gold and
silver. My conductor told me this was the house of a worthy Scotch lord, who,
using the privilege of his peerage, had set up public gaming tables, from the
profits of which he drew a comfortable livelihood. He then explained the
difference between the sitters and the bettors; characterised the first as old rooks,
and the last as bubbles; and advised me to try my fortune at the silver table, by
betting a crown at a time. Before I would venture anything, I considered the
company more particularly, and there appeared such a group of villanous faces,
that I was struck with horror and astonishment at the sight! I signified my
surprise to Banter, who whispered in my ear, that the bulk of those present were
sharpers, highwaymen, and apprentices, who, having embezzled their master’s
cash, made a desperate push in this place to make up their deficiencies. This
account did not encourage me to hazard any part of my small pittance: but, at
length, being teased by the importunities of my friend, who assured me there
was no danger of being ill-used, because people were hired by the owner to see
justice done to everybody, I began by risking one shilling, and, in less than an
hour, my winning amounted to thirty. Convinced by this time of the fairness of
the game, and animated with success, there was no need of further persuasion to
continue the play: I lent Banter (who seldom had any money in his pocket) a
guinea, which he carried to the gold table, and lost in a moment. He would have
borrowed another, but finding me deaf to his arguments, went away in a pet.
Meanwhile my gain advanced to six pieces, and my desire of more increased in
proportion: so that I moved to the higher table, where I laid half-a-guinea on
every throw, and fortune still favouring me, I became a sitter, in which capacity I
remained until it was broad day; when I found myself, after many vicissitudes,
one hundred and fifty guineas in pocket.
Thinking it now high time to retire with my booty, I asked if anybody would
take my place, and made a notion to rise; upon which an old Gascon, who sat
opposite to me, and of whom I had won a little money, started up with fury in his
looks, crying, “Restez, foutre, restez! il faut donner moi mon ravanchio!” At the
same time, a Jew, who sat near the other, insinuated that I was more beholden to
art than fortune for what I had got; that he had observed me wipe the table very
often, and that some of the divisions appeared to be greasy. This intimation
produced a great deal of clamour against me, especially among the losers, who
threatened with many oaths and imprecations, to take me up by a warrant as a
sharper, unless I would compromise the affair by refunding the greatest part of
my winning. Though I was far from being easy under his accusation, I relied
upon my innocence, threatened in my turn to prosecute the Jew, for defamation,
and boldly offered to submit my cause to the examination of any justice in
Westminster; but they knew themselves too well to put their characters on that
issue, and finding that I was not to be intimidated into any concession, dropped
their plea, and made way for me to withdraw. I would not, however, stir from the
table until the Israelite had retracted what he had said to my disadvantage, and
asked pardon before the whole assembly.
As I marched out with my prize, I happened to tread on the toes of a tall raw-
boned fellow, with a hooked nose, fierce eyes, black thick eyebrows, a pigtail
wig of the same colour, and a formidable hat pulled over his forehead, who stood
gnawing his fingers in the crowd, and he sooner felt the application of my shoe
heel, than he roared out in a tremendous voice, “Blood and wounds! you son of a
whore, what’s that for?” I asked pardon with a great deal of submission, and
protested I had no intention of hurting him; but the more I humbled myself the
more he stormed, and insisted on gentlemanly satisfaction, at the same time
provoking me with scandalous names that I could not put up with; so that I gave
loose to my passion, returned his Billingsgate, and challenged him down to the
piazzas. His indignation cooling as mine warmed, he refused my invitation,
saying he would choose his own time, and returned towards the table muttering
threats, which I neither dreaded nor distinctly heard; but, descending with great
deliberation, received my sword from the door-keeper, whom I gratified with a
guinea, according to the custom of the place, and went home in a rapture of joy.
My faithful valet, who had set up all night in the utmost uneasiness on my
account, let me in with his face beslubbered with tears, and followed me to my
chamber, where he stood silent like a condemned criminal, in expectation of
hearing that every shilling was spent, I guessed the situation of his thoughts, and,
assuming a sullen look, bade him fetch me some water to wash. He replied,
without lifting his eyes from the ground, “In my simple conjecture, you have
more occasion for rest, not having (I suppose) slept these four-and-twenty
hours.” “Bring me some water!” said I, in a peremptory tone; upon which he
sneaked away shrugging his shoulders. Before he returned, I had spread my
whole stock on the table in the most ostentatious manner; so that, when it first
saluted his view, he stood like one entranced; and, having rubbed his eyes more
than once, to assure himself of his being awake, broke out into, “Lord have
mercy upon us, what a vast treasure is here!” “’Tis all our own, Strap,” said I;
“take what is necessary, and redeem the sword immediately.” He advanced
towards the table, stopped short by the way, looked at the money and me by
turns, and with a wildness in his countenance, produced from joy checked by
distrust, cried, “I dare say it is honestly come by.” To remove his scruples, I
made him acquainted with the whole story of my success, which, when he heard,
he danced about the room in an ecstacy, crying, “God be praised!—a white
stone!—God be praised!—a white stone!” So that I was afraid the change of
fortune had disordered his intellects, and that he was run mad with joy.
Extremely concerned at this event, I attempted to reason him out of his frenzy,
but to no purpose; for without regarding what I said, he continued to frisk up and
down, and repeat his rhapsody, of “God be praised!—a white stone!” At last, I
rose in the utmost consternation, and, laying violent hands upon him, put a stop
to his extravagance by fixing him down to a settee that was in the room. This
constraint banished his delirium; he started as if just awoke, and terrified at my
behaviour, cried, “What is the matter!” When he learned the cause of my
apprehension, he was ashamed of his transports, and told me, that in mentioning
the white stone, he alluded to the Dies fasti of the Romans, albo lapide notati.
Having no inclination to sleep, I secured my cash, dressed, and was just going
abroad, when the servant of the house told me, there was a gentlewoman at the
door who wanted to speak with me. Surprised at this information, I made Strap
show her up, and in less than a minute, saw a young woman of a shabby decayed
appearance enter my room. After half-a-dozen curtsies, she began to sob, and
told me her name was Gawky; upon which information I immediately
recollected the features of Miss Lavement, who had been the first occasion of
my misfortunes. Though I had all the reason in the world to resent her
treacherous behaviour to me, I was moved at her distress, and professing my
sorrow at seeing her so reduced desired her to sit, and inquired into the
particulars of her situation. She fell upon her knees and implored my forgiveness
for the injuries she had done me, protesting before God, that she was forced,
against her inclination, into that hellish conspiracy which had almost deprived
me of my life, by the entreaties of her husband, who, having been afterwards
renounced by his father on account of his marriage with her, and unable to
support a family on his pay, left his wife at her father’s house, and went with the
regiment to Germany, where he was broke for misbehaviour at the battle of
Dettingen; since which time she had heard no tidings of him. She then gave me
to understand, with many symptoms of penitence, that it was her misfortune to
bear a child four months after marriage, by which event her parents were so
incensed, that she was turned out of doors with the infant, that died soon after:
and had hitherto subsisted in a miserable indigent manner, on the extorted
charity of a few friends, who were now quite tired of giving; that, not knowing
where or how to support herself one day longer, she had fled for succour even to
me, who, of all mankind, had the least cause to assist her, relying upon the
generosity of my disposition, which, she hoped, would be pleased with this
opportunity of avenging itself in the noblest manner on the wretch who had
wronged me. I was very much affected with her discourse and, having no cause
to suspect the sincerity of her repentance, raised her up, freely pardoned all she
had done against me, and promised to befriend her as much as lay in my power.
Since my last arrival in London, I had made no advances to the apothecary,
imagining it would be impossible for me to make my innocence appear, so
unhappily was my accusation circumstanced: Strap indeed had laboured to
justify me to the schoolmaster; but, far from succeeding in his attempt, Mr.
Concordance dropped all correspondence with him, because he refused to quit
his connection with me. Things being in this situation, I thought a fairer
opportunity of vindicating my character could not offer than that which now
presented itself; I therefore stipulated with Mrs. Gawky, that before I would
yield her the least assistance, she should do me the justice to clear my reputation
by explaining upon oath before a magistrate the whole of the conspiracy, as it
had been executed against me. When she had given me this satisfaction, I
presented her with five guineas, a sum so much above her expectation, that she
could scarce believe the evidence of her senses, and was ready to worship me for
my benevolence. The declaration, signed with her own hand, I sent to her father,
who, upon recollecting and comparing the circumstances of my charge, was
convinced of my integrity, and waited on me next day, in company with his
friend the schoolmaster, to whom he had communicated my vindication. After
mutual salutation, Monsieur Lavement began a long apology for the unjust
treatment I had received; but I saved him a good deal of breath by interrupting
his harangue, and assuring him that, far from entertaining a resentment against
him, I thought myself obliged to his lenity, which allowed me to escape, after
such strong assumptions of guilt appeared against me. Mr. Concordance,
thinking it now his turn to speak, observed that Mr. Random had too much
candour and sagacity to be disobliged at their conduct, which, all things
considered, could not have been otherwise with any honesty of intention.
“Indeed,” said he, “if the plot had been unravelled to us by any supernatural
intelligence; if it had been whispered by a genius, communicated by dream, or
revealed by an angel from on high, we should have been to blame in crediting
ocular demonstration; but as we were left in the midst of mortality, it cannot be
expected we should be incapable of imposition. I must assure you, Mr. Random,
no man on earth is more pleased than I am at this triumph of your character: and,
as the news of your misfortune panged me to the very entrails, this manifestation
of your innocence makes my midriff quiver with joy.” I thanked him for this
concern, desired them to undeceive those of their acquaintance who judged
harshly of me, and, having treated them with a glass of wine, represented to
Lavement the deplorable condition of his daughter, and pleaded her cause so
effectually, that he consented to settle a small annuity on her for life: but could
not be persuaded to take her home, because her mother was so much incensed,
that she would never see her.
 CHAPTER LIII

I purchase new Clothes—reprimand Strutwell and Straddle—

Banter proposes another matrimonial Scheme—I accept of his
Terms—set out to Bath in the Stage-coach with the young Lady
and her Mother—the Behaviour of an Officer and Lawyer—our
fellow Travellers described—a smart dialogue between my
Mistress and the Captain

Having finished this affair to my satisfaction, I found myself perfectly at ease;

and, looking upon the gaming-table as a certain resource for a gentleman in
want, became more gay than ever. Although my clothes were almost as good as
new, I grew ashamed of wearing them, because I thought everybody by this time
had got an inventory of my wardrobe. For which reason I disposed of a good
part of my apparel to a salesman in Monmouth Street for half the value, and
bought two new suits with the money. I likewise purchased a plain gold watch,
despairing of recovering that which I had so foolishly given to Strutwell, whom,
notwithstanding, I still continued to visit at his levee, until the ambassador he
had mentioned set out with a secretary of his own choosing. I thought myself
then at liberty to expostulate with his lordship, whom I treated with great
freedom in a letter, for amusing me with vain hopes, when he neither had the
power nor inclination to provide for me. Nor was I less reserved with Straddle,
whom I in person reproached for misrepresenting to me the character of
Strutwell, which I did not scruple to aver was infamous in every respect. He
seemed very much enraged at my freedom, talked a great deal about his quality
and honour, and began to make some comparisons which I thought so injurious
to mine, that I demanded an explanation with great warmth, and he was mean
enough to equivocate, and condescend in such a manner that I left him with a
hearty contempt of his behaviour.
About this time, Banter, who had observed a surprising and sudden alteration
in my appearance and disposition, began to inquire very minutely into the cause,
and, as I did not think fit to let him know the true state of the affair, lest he might
make free with my purse, on the strength of having proposed the scheme that
filled it, I told him that I had received a small supply from a relation in the
country, who at the same time had proffered to use all his interest (which was not
small) in soliciting some post for me that should make me easy for life. “If that
be the case,” said Banter, “perhaps you won’t care to mortify yourself a little in
making your fortune another way. I have a relation who is to set out for Bath
next week, with an only daughter, who being sickly and decrepit, intends to
drink the waters for the recovery of her health. Her father, who was a rich
Turkey merchant, died about a year ago, and left her with a fortune of twenty
thousand pounds, under the sole management of her mother, who is my
kinswoman. I would have put in for the plate myself, but there is a breach at
present between the old woman and me. You must know, that some time ago I
borrowed a small sum of her and promised, it seems, to pay it before a certain
time; but being disappointed in my expectation of money from the country, the
day elapsed without my being able to take up my note; upon which she wrote a
peremptory letter, threatening to arrest me, if I did not pay the debt immediately.
Nettled at this precise behaviour, I sent a d—d severe answer, which enraged her
so much that she actually took out a writ against me. Whereupon, finding the
thing grow serious, I got a friend to advance the money for me, discharged the
debt, went to her house, and abused her for her unfriendly dealing. She was
provoked by my reproaches, and scolded in her turn. The little deformed urchin
joined her mother with such virulence and volubility of tongue, that I was fain to
make a retreat, after having been honoured with a great many scandalous
epithets, which gave me plainly to understand that I had nothing to hope from
the esteem of the one, or the affection of the other. As they are both utter
strangers to life, it is a thousand to one that the girl will be picked up by some
scoundrel or other at Bath, if I don’t provide for her otherwise. You are a well-
looking fellow, Random, and can behave as demurely as a quaker. If you will
give me an obligation of five hundred pounds, to be paid six months after your
marriage, I will put you in a method of carrying her in spite of all opposition.”
This proposal was too advantageous for me to be refused. The writing was
immediately drawn up and executed; and Banter, giving me notice of the time
when, and the stage coach in which they were to set out, I bespoke a place in the
same convenience; and, having hired a horse for Strap, who was chagrined with
the prospect, set forward accordingly.
As we embarked before day, I had not the pleasure for some time of seeing
Miss Snapper (that was the name of my mistress), nor even of perceiving the
number and sex of my fellow travellers, although I guessed that the coach was
full, by the difficulty I found in seating myself. The first five minutes passed in a
general silence, when, all of a sudden, the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous
voice pronounced, “To the right and left, cover your flanks, d—me! whiz!” I
easily discovered by the tone and matter of this exclamation that it was uttered
by a son of Mars; neither was it hard to conceive the profession of another
person who sat opposite to me, and observed that we ought to have been well
satisfied of our security before we entered upon the premises. These two sallies
had not the desired effect. We continued a good while as mute as before, till at
length the gentleman of the sword, impatient of longer silence, made a second
effort, by swearing he had got into a meeting of quakers. “I believe so too,” said
a shrill female voice at my left hand, “for the spirit of folly begins to move.”
“Out with it then, madam!” replied the soldier. “You seem to have no occasion
for a midwife,” cried the lady. “D—mn my blood!” exclaimed the other, “a man
can’t talk to a woman, but she immediately thinks of a midwife.” “True sir,” said
she, “I long to be delivered.” “What of—a mouse, madam?” said he. “No, Sir,”
said she, “of a fool.” “Are you far gone with a fool?” said he. “Little more than
two miles,” said she. “By Gad, you’re a wit, madam,” cried the officer, “I wish I
could with any justice return the compliment,” said the lady. “Zounds, I have
done,” said he. “Your bolt is soon shot, according to the old proverb,” said she.
The warrior’s powder was quite spent; the lawyer advised him to drop the
prosecution, and a grave matron, who sat on the left hand of the victorious wit,
told her she must not let her tongue run so fast among strangers. This reprimand,
softened with the appellation of child, convinced me that the satirical lady was
no other than Miss Snapper, and I resolved to regulate my conduct accordingly.
The champion, finding himself so smartly handled, changed his battery, and
began to expatiate on his own exploits. “You talk of shot, madam,” said he; “d—
me! I have both given and received some shot in my time—I was wounded in
the shoulder by a pistol ball at Dettingen, where—I say nothing—but by G—d!
if it had not been for me—all’s one for that—I despise boasting, d—me! whiz!”
So saying, he whistled one part and hummed another, of the Black Joke; then,
addressing himself to the lawyer, went on thus; “Wouldn’t you think it d—d
hard, after having, at the risk of your life, recovered the standard of a regiment
that had been lost, to receive no preferment for your pains? I don’t choose to
name no names, sink me! but, howsomever, this I will refer, by G—d! and that is
this—a musketeer of the French guards, having a standard from a certain cornet
of a certain regiment, d—e! was retreating with his prize as fast as his horse’s
heels could carry him, sink me! Upon which, I snatched up firelock that
belonged to a dead man, d—me! Whiz! and shot his horse under him, d—n my
blood! The fellow got upon his feet, and began to repose me, upon which I
charged my bayonet breast high, and ran him through the body by G—! One of
his comrades, coming to his assistance, shot me in the shoulder, as I told you
before; and another gave me a contusion on the head with the butt-end of his
carbine; but, d—me, that did not signify. I killed one, put the other to flight, and
taking up the standard, carried it off very deliberately. But the best joke of all
was the son of a b—ch of a cornet, who had surrendered it in a cowardly
manner, seeing it in my possession, demanded it from me in the front of the line.
“D—n my blood!” says he, “where did you find my standard?” says he. “D—n
my blood!” said I, “where,” said I, “did you lose it?” said I. “That’s nothing to
you,” says he, “’tis my standard,” says he” and by G—d I’ll have it,” says he. “D
—nation seize me,” says I, “if you shall,” says I, “till I have first delivered it to
the general,” says I; and accordingly I went to the headquarters after the battle,
and delivered it to my Lord Stair, who promised to do for me. But I am no more
than a poor lieutenant still, d—n my blood.”
Having vented this repetition of expletives, the lawyer owned he had not been
requited according to his deserts; observed that the labourer is always worthy of
his hire, and asked if the promise was made before witnesses, because in that
case the law would compel the general to perform it; but understanding that the
promise was made over a bottle, without being restricted to time or terms, he
pronounced it not valid in law, proceeded to inquire into the particulars of the
battle, and affirmed that, although the English had drawn themselves into
premunire at first, the French managed their cause so lamely in the course of the
dispute, that they would have been utterly nonsuited, had they not obtained a
nolli prosequi. In spite of these enlivening touches, the conversation was like to
suffer another long interruption, when the lieutenant, unwilling to conceal any of
his accomplishments that could be displayed in his present situation, offered to
regale the company with a song; and, interpreting our silence into a desire of
hearing, began to warble a fashionable air the first stanza of which he
pronounced thus:
“Would you task the moon-tide hair,
To yon flagrant beau repair.
Where waving with the poplin vow,
The bantling fine will shelter you,” etc.

The sense of the rest he perverted as he went on with such surprising facility
that I could not help thinking he had been at some pains to burlesque the
performance. Miss Snapper ascribed it to the true cause, namely ignorance; and,
when he asked her how she relished his music, answered that, in her opinion, the
music and the words were much of a piece. “Oh, d—n my blood!” said he “I
take that as a high compliment; for everybody allows the words are d—able
fine.” “They may be so,” replied the lady, “for aught I know, but they are above
my comprehension.” “I an’t obliged to find you comprehension, madam, curse
me!” cried he. “No, nor to speak sense neither,” said she. “D—n my heart,” said
he, “I’ll speak what I please.” Here the lawyer interposed, by telling him, there
were some things he must not speak; and upon being defied to give an instance,
mentioned treason and defamation. “As for the king,” cried the soldier, “God
bless him—I eat his bread, and have lost blood in his cause, therefore I have
nothing to say to him—but, by G—d, I dare say anything to any other man.”
“No,” said the lawyer, “you dare not call me rogue.” “D—me, for what?” said
the other. “Because,” replied the counsellor, “I should have it good action
against you, and recover.” “Well, well,” cried the officer, “if I dare not call you
rogue, I dare think you one, d—me!” This stroke of wit he accompanied with a
loud laugh of self-approbation, which unluckily did not affect the audience, but
effectually silenced his antagonist, who did not open his mouth for the space of
an hour, except to clear his pipe with three hems, which however, produced
nothing.
 CHAPTER LIV
Day breaking, I have the Pleasure of viewing the Person of Miss
Snapper, whom I had not seen before—the Soldier is witty upon
me—is offended—talks much of his Valour—is reprimanded by
a grave Gentlewoman—we are alarmed by the cry of
Highwaymen—I get out of the Coach, and stand in my own
defence—they ride off without having attacked us—I pursue
them—one of them is thrown from his Horse and taken—I
return to the Coach—am complimented by Miss Snapper—the
Captain’s Behaviour on this Occasion—the Prude reproaches me
in a Soliloquy—I upbraid her in the same Manner—the
Behaviour of Miss Snapper, at Breakfast, disobliges me—the
Lawyer is witty upon the Officer, who threatens him

In the meantime, the day breaking in upon us, discovered to one another the
faces of their fellow travellers: and I had the good fortune to find my mistress
not quite so deformed nor disagreeable as she had been represented to me. Her
head, indeed, bore some resemblance to a hatchet, the edge being represented by
her face; but she had a certain delicacy in her complexion, and a great deal of
vivacity in her eyes, which were very large and black; and, though the
protuberance of her breast, when considered alone, seemed to drag her forwards,
it was easy to perceive an equivalent on her back which balanced the other, and
kept her body in equilibrio. On the whole, I thought I should have great reason to
congratulate myself if it should be my fate to possess twenty thousand pounds
encumbered with such a wife. I began therefore to deliberate about the most
probable means of acquiring the conquest, and was so much engrossed by this
idea, that I scarce took any notice of the rest of the people in the coach, but
revolved my project in silence; while the conversation was maintained as before
by the object of my hopes, the son of Mars, and the barrister, who by this time
recollected himself, and talked in terms as much as ever. At length a dispute
happened, which ended in a wager, to be determined by me, who was so much
absorbed in contemplation, that I neither heard the reference nor the question
which was put to me by each in his turn. Affronted at my supposed contempt, the
soldier with great vociferation swore I was either dumb or deaf if not both, and
that I looked as if I could not say Bo to a goose. Aroused at this observation, I
fixed my eyes upon him, and pronounced with emphasis the interjection Bo!
Upon which he cocked his hat in a fierce manner, and cried, “D—me sir, what
d’ye mean by that.” Had I intended to answer him, which by the by was not my
design, I should have been anticipated by Miss, who told him, my meaning was
to show, that I could cry Bo to a goose; and laughed very heartily at my laconic
reproof. Her explanation and mirth did not help to appease his wrath, which
broke out in several martial insinuations, such as—“I do not understand such
freedoms, d—me! D—n my blood! I’m a gentleman, and bear the king’s
commission. ’Sblood! some people deserve to have their noses pulled for their
impertinence.” I thought to have checked these ejaculations by a frown; because
he had talked so much of his valour that I had long ago rated him as an ass in a
lion’s skin; but this expedient did not answer my expectation, he took umbrage
at the contraction of my brow, swore he did not value my sulky looks a fig’s end,
and protested he feared no man breathing. Miss Snapper said, she was very glad
to find herself in company with a man of so much courage, who, she did not
doubt, would protect her from all the attempts of highwaymen during our
journey. “Make yourself perfectly easy on that head, madam,” replied the officer.
“I have got a pair of pistols (here they are), which I took from a horse officer at
the battle of Dettingen; they are double loaded, and if any highwayman in
England robs you of the value of a pin while I have the honour of being in your
company, d—n my heart.” When he had expressed himself in this manner, a
prim gentlewoman, who had sat silent hitherto, opened her mouth, and said, she
wondered how any man could be so rude as to pull out such weapons before
ladies. “D—me, madam,” cried the champion, “if you are so much afraid at the
sight of a pistol, how d’ye propose to stand fire if there should be occasion?” She
then told him that, if she thought he could be so unmannerly as to use fire-arms
in her presence, whatever might be the occasion, she would get out of the coach
immediately, and walk to the next village, where she might procure a
convenience to herself. Before he could make any answer, my Dulcinea
interposed, and observed that, far from being offended at a gentleman’s using his
arms in his own defence, she thought herself very lucky in being along with one
by whose valour she stood a good chance of saving herself from being rifled.
The prude cast a disdainful look at Miss, and said that people, who have but little
to lose, are sometimes the most solicitous about preserving it. The old lady was
affronted at this inuendo, and took notice, that people ought to be very well
informed before they speak slightingly of other people’s fortune, lest they
discover their own envy, and make themselves ridiculous. The daughter
declared, that she did not pretend to vie with anybody in point of riches; and if
the lady, who insisted upon non-resistance, would promise to indemnify us all
for the loss we should sustain, she would be one of the first to persuade the
captain to submission, in case we should be attacked. To this proposal,
reasonable as it was, the reserved lady made no other reply than a scornful
glance and a toss of her head. I was very well pleased with the spirit of my
young mistress, and even wished for an opportunity of distinguishing my
courage under her eye, which I believed could not fail of prepossessing her in
my favour, when all of a sudden Strap rode up to the coach door, and told us in a
great fright, that two men on horseback were crossing the heath (for by this time
we had passed Hounslow), and made directly towards us.
This piece of information was no sooner delivered, than Mrs. Snapper began
to scream, her daughter grew pale, the old lady pulled out her purse to be in
readiness, the lawyer’s teeth chattered, while he pronounced, “’Tis no matter—
we’ll sue the county and recover.” The captain gave evident signs of confusion:
and I, after having commanded the coachman to stop, opened the door, jumped
out, and invited the warrior to follow me. But, finding him backward and
astonished, I took his pistols, and, giving them to Strap, who had by this time
alighted and trembled very much, I mounted on horseback; and, taking my own
(which I could better depend upon) from the holsters, cocked them both, and
faced the robbers, who were now very near us. Seeing me ready to oppose them
on horseback, and another man armed a-foot, they made a halt at some distance
to reconnoitre us: and after having rode round us twice, myself still facing about
as they rode, went off the same way they came, at a hand gallop. A gentleman’s
servant coming up with a horse at the same time, I offered him a crown to assist
me in pursuing them, which he no sooner accepted, than I armed him with the
officer’s pistols, and we galloped after the thieves, who, trusting to the swiftness
of their horses, stopped till we came within shot of them and then, firing at us,
put their nags to the full speed. We followed them as fast as our beasts could
carry us; but, not being so well mounted as they, our efforts would have been to
little purpose, had not the horse of one of them stumbled, and thrown his rider
with such violence over his head, that he lay senseless when we came up, and
was taken without the least opposition; while his comrade consulted his own
safety in flight, without regarding the distress of his friend. We scarce had time
to make ourselves masters of his arms, and tie his hands together, before he
recovered his senses, when, learning his situation he affected surprise, demanded
to know by what authority we used a gentleman in that manner, and had the
impudence to threaten us with a prosecution for robbery. In the meantime, we
perceived Strap coming up with a crowd of people, armed up with different
kinds of weapons; and among the rest a farmer, who no sooner perceived the
thief, whom we had secured, than he cried with great emotion, “There’s the
fellow who robbed me an hour ago of twenty pounds, in a canvas bag.” He was
immediately searched, and the money found exactly as it had been described;
upon which we committed him to the charge of the countryman, who carried him
to the town of Hounslow, which, it seems, the farmer had alarmed; and I, having
satisfied the footman for his trouble, according to promise, returned with Strap to
the coach, where I found the captain and lawyer busy in administering smelling
bottles and cordials to the grave lady, who had gone into a fit at the noise of
firing.
When I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who from the coach had seen
everything that happened; made me a compliment on my behaviour, and said she
was glad to see me returned without having received any injury; her mother too
owned herself obliged to my resolution: the lawyer told me, that I was entitled
by act of parliament to a reward of forty pounds, for having apprehended a
highwayman. The soldier observed, with a countenance in which impudence and
shame struggling, produced some disorder, that if I had not been in such a d—d
hurry to get out of the coach, he would have secured the rogues effectually,
without all this bustle and loss of time, by a scheme, which my heat and
precipitation ruined. “For my own part,” continued he, “I am always extremely
cool on these occasions.” “So it appeared, by your trembling,” said the young
lady. “Death and d—ion!” cried he, “your sex protects you, madam; if any man
on earth durst tell me so much, I’d send him to hell, d—n my heart! in an
instant.” So saying, he fixed his eyes upon me, and asked if I had seen him
tremble? I answered without hesitation, “Yes.” “D—me, sir!” said he, “d’ye
doubt my courage?” I replied, “Very much.” This declaration quite disconcerted
him. He looked blank, and pronounced with a faltering voice, “Oh! it’s very
well: d—n my blood! I shall find a time.” I signified my contempt of him, by
thrusting my tongue in my cheek, which humbled him so much, that he scarce
swore another oath aloud during the whole journey.
The precise lady, having recruited her spirits by the help of some strong
waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered that any man, who pretended
to maintain the character of a gentleman, could, for the sake of a little paltry
coin, throw persons of honour into such quandaries as might endanger their
lives; and professed her surprise that women were not ashamed to commend
such brutality. At the same time vowing that for the future she would never set
foot in a stage coach, if a private convenience could be had for love or money.
Nettled at her remarks, I took the same method of conveying my sentiments,
and wondered in my turn, that any woman of common sense should be so
unreasonable as to expect that people, who had neither acquaintance nor
connection with her, would tamely allow themselves to be robbed and
maltreated, merely to indulge her capricious humour. I likewise confessed my
astonishment at her insolence and ingratitude in taxing a person with brutality,
who deserved her approbation and acknowledgment; and vowed that, if ever she
should be assaulted again, I would leave her to the mercy of the spoiler, that she
might know the value of my protection.
This person of honour did not think fit to carry on the altercation any further,
but seemed to chew the cud of her resentment with the crestfallen captain, while
I entered into discourse with my charmer, who was the more pleased with my
conversation, as she had conceived a very indifferent opinion of my intellects
from my former silence. I should have had cause to be equally satisfied with the
sprightliness of her genius, could she have curbed her imagination with
judgment; but she laboured under such a profusion of talk, that I dreaded her
unruly tongue, and felt by anticipation the horrors of an eternal clack! However,
when I considered, on the other hand, the joys attending the possession of twenty
thousand pounds, I forgot her imperfections, seized occasion by the forelock,
and tried to insinuate myself into her affection. The careful mother kept a strict
watch over her and though she could not help behaving civilly to me, took
frequent opportunities of discouraging our communication, by reprimanding her
for being so free with strangers, and telling her she must learn to speak less and
think more. Abridged of the use of speech, we conversed with our eyes, and I
found the young lady very eloquent in this kind of discourse. In short, I had
reason to believe that she was sick of the old gentlewoman’s tuition, and that I
should find it no difficult matter to supersede her authority.
When we arrived at the place where we were to breakfast, I alighted, and
helped my mistress out of the coach, as well as her mother who called for a
private room to which they withdrew in order to eat by themselves. As they
retired together, I perceived that Miss had got more twists from nature than I had
before observed for she was bent sideways into the figure of an S, so that her
progression very much resembled that of a crab. The prude also chose the
captain for her messmate, and ordered breakfast for two only, to be brought into
another separate room: while the lawyer and I, deserted by the rest of the
company, were fain to put up with each other. I was a good deal chagrined at the
stately reserve of Mrs. Snapper, who, I thought, did not use me with all the
complaisance I deserved; and my companion declared that he had been a
traveller for twenty years, and never knew the stage coach rules so much
infringed before. As for the honourable gentlewoman I could not conceive the
meaning of her attachment to the lieutenant; and asked the lawyer if he knew for
which of the soldier’s virtues she admired him? The counsellor facetiously
replied, “I suppose the lady knows him to be an able conveyancer, and wants
him to make a settlement in tail.” I could not help laughing at the archness of the
barrister, who entertained me during breakfast with a great deal of wit of the
same kind, at the expense of our fellow travellers; and among other things said,
he was sorry to find the young lady saddled with such incumbrances.
When we had made an end of our repast, and paid our reckoning, we went
into the coach, took our places, and bribed the driver with sixpence to revenge us
on the rest of his fare, by hurrying them away in the midst of their meal. This
task he performed to our satisfaction, after he had disturbed their enjoyment with
his importunate clamour. The mother and daughter obeyed the summons first,
and, coming to the coach door, were obliged to desire the coachman’s assistance
to get in, because the lawyer and I had agreed to show our resentment by our
neglect. They were no sooner seated, than the captain appeared, as much heated
as if he had been pursued a dozen miles by an enemy; and immediately after him
came the lady, not without some marks of disorder. Having helped her up, he
entered himself, growling a few oaths against the coachman for his impertinent
interruption; and the lawyer comforted him by saying, that if he had suffered a
nisi prius through the obstinacy of the defendant, he might have an opportunity
to join issue at the next stage. This last expression gave offence to the grave
gentlewoman, who told him, if she was a man, she would make him repent of
such obscenity, and thanked God she had never been in such company before. At
this insinuation the captain thought himself under a necessity of espousing the
lady’s cause; and accordingly threatened to cut off the lawyer’s ears, if he should
give his tongue any such liberties for the future. The poor counsellor begged
pardon, and universal silence ensued.
 CHAPTER LV

I resolve to ingratiate myself with the Mother, and am favoured

by accident—the Precise Lady finds her husband, and quit the
Coach—the Captain is disappointed of his dinner—we arrive at
Bath—I accompany Miss Snapper to the Long-room, where she
is attacked by beau Nash, and, turns the Laugh against him—I
make love to her, and receive a check—Squire her to an
Assembly, where I am blessed with a Sight of my dear Narcissa,
which discomposes me so much, that Miss Snapper, observing
my disorder, is at pains to discover the Cause—is piqued at the
Occasion, and, in our way home, pays me a sarcastic
Compliment—I am met by Miss Williams, who is the maid and
Confidante of Narcissa—she acquaints me with her Lady’s
regard for me while under the disguise of a Servant, and
describes the Transports of Narcissa on seeing me at the
Assembly, in the Character of a Gentleman—I am surprised with
an Account of her Aunt’s Marriage, and make an Appointment to
meet Miss Williams the next day

During this unsocial interval, my pride and interest maintained a severe

conflict on the subject of Miss Snapper, whom the one represented as unworthy
of notice, and the other proposed as the object of my whole attention: the
advantages and disadvantages of such a match were opposed to one another by
my imagination; and, at length, my judgment gave it so much in favour of the
first, that I resolved to prosecute my scheme with all the address in my power. I
thought I perceived some concern in her countenance, occasioned by my silence,
which she, no doubt, imputed to my disgust at her mother’s behaviour; and, as I
believed the old woman could not fail of ascribing my muteness to the same
motive, I determined to continue that sullen conduct towards her, and fall upon
some other method of manifesting my esteem for the daughter, nor was it
difficult for me to make her acquainted with my sentiments by the expression of
my looks, which I modelled into the character of humanity and love; and which
were answered by her with all the sympathy and approbation I could desire. But
when I began to consider, that, without further opportunities of improving my
success, all the progress I had hitherto made would not much avail, and that such
opportunities could not be enjoyed without the mother’s permission, I concluded
it would be requisite to vanquish her coldness and suspicion by my assiduities
and respectful behaviour on the road; and she would, in all likelihood, invite me
to visit her at Bath, where I did not fear of being able to cultivate her
acquaintance as much as would be necessary to the accomplishment of my
purpose. And indeed accident furnished me with an opportunity of obliging her
so much that she could not, with any appearance of good manners, forbear to
gratify my inclination.
When we arrived at our dining-place, we found all the eatables at the inn
bespoke by a certain nobleman, who had got the start of us and, in all likelihood,
my mistress and her mother must have dined with Duke Humphrey, had I not
exerted myself in their behalf, and bribed the landlord with a glass of wine to
curtail his lordship’s entertainment of a couple of fowls and some bacon, which I
sent with my compliments to the ladies. They accepted my treat with a great
many thanks, and desired I would favour them with my company at dinner,
where I amused the old gentlewoman so successfully, by maintaining a
seemingly disinterested ease in the midst of my civility, that she signified a
desire of being better acquainted, and hoped I would be so kind as to see her
sometimes at Bath. While I enjoyed myself in this manner, the precise lady had
the good fortune to meet with her husband, who was no other than gentleman,
or, in other words, valet-de-chambre, to the very nobleman whose coach stood at
the door. Proud of the interest she had in the house, she affected to show her
power by introducing the captain to her spouse as a person who had treated her
with great civility upon which he was invited to a share of their dinner; while the
poor lawyer, finding himself utterly abandoned, made application to me, and was
through my intercession admitted into our company. Having satisfied our
appetites, and made ourselves merry at the expense of the person of honour, the
civil captain, and complaisant husband, I did myself the pleasure of discharging
the bill by stealth, for which I received a great many apologies and
acknowledgments from my guests, and we re-embarked at the first warning. The
officer was obliged, at last, to appease his hunger with a luncheon of bread and
cheese, and a pint bottle of brandy, which he dispatched in the coach, cursing the
inappetence of his lordship, who had ordered dinner to be put back a whole hour.
Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which
was finished next day, when I waited on the ladies to the house of a relation, in
which they intended to lodge, and, passing that night at the inn, took lodgings in
the morning for myself.
The forenoon was spent in visiting everything that was worth seeing in the
place, in company with a gentleman to whom Banter had given me a letter of
introduction; and in the afternoon I waited on the ladies, and found Miss a good
deal indisposed with the fatigue of their journey. As they foresaw they should
have occasion for a male acquaintance to squire them at all public places, I was
received with great cordiality, and had the mother’s permission to conduct them
next day to the Long Room, which we no sooner entered, than the eyes of
everybody present were turned upon us, and, when we had suffered the
martyrdom of their looks for some time, a whisper circulated at our expense,
which was accompanied with many contemptuous smiles and tittering
observations, to my utter shame and confusion. I did not so much conduct as
follow my charge to a place where she seated her mother and herself with
astonishing composure notwithstanding the unmannerly behaviour of the whole
company, which seemed to be assumed merely to put her out of countenance.
The celebrated Mr. Nash, who commonly attends in this place, as master of the
ceremonies, perceiving the disposition of the assembly, took upon himself the
task of gratifying their ill-nature further, by exposing my mistress to the edge of
his wit. With this view he approached us, with many bows and grimaces, and,
after having welcomed Miss Snapper to the place, asked her in the hearing of all
present, if she could inform him of the name of Tobit’s dog. Miss was so much
incensed at his insolence, that I should certainly have kicked him where he stood
without ceremony, had not the young lady prevented the effects of my
indignation, by replying with the utmost vivacity, “His name was Nash, and an
impudent dog he was.” This repartee so unexpected and just, raised such a
universal laugh at the aggressor, that all his assurance was insufficient to support
him under their derision; so that, after he had endeavoured to compose himself
by taking snuff and forcing a smile, he was obliged to sneak off in a ludicrous
attitude, while my Dulcinea was applauded to the skies for the brilliancy of her
wit, and her acquaintance immediately courted by the best people of both sexes
in the room.
This event, with which I was indefinitely pleased at first, did not fail of
alarming me, upon further reflection, when I considered, that the more she was
caressed by persons of distinction, the more her pride would be inflamed, and
consequently, the obstacles to my success multiplied and enlarged. Nor were my
presaging fears untrue. That very night I perceived her a little intoxicated with
the incense she had received, and, though, she still behaved with a particular
civility to me, I foresaw, that, as soon as her fortune should be known, she would
be surrounded with a swarm of admirers, some of whom might possibly, by
excelling me on point of wealth, or in the arts of flattery and scandal, supplant
me in her esteem, and find means to make the mother of his party. I resolved
therefore to lose no time, and, being invited to spend the evening with them,
found an opportunity, in spite of the old gentlewoman’s vigilance, to explain the
meaning of my glances in the coach, by paying homage to her wit, and
professing myself enamoured of her person. She blushed at my declaration and
in a favourable manner disapproved of the liberty I had taken, putting me in
mind of our being strangers to each other, and desiring I would not be the means
of interrupting our acquaintance, by any such unseasonable strokes of gallantry
for the future. My ardour was effectually checked by this reprimand, which was,
however, delivered in a gentle manner, that I had no cause to be disobliged; and
the arrival of her mother relieved me from a dilemma in which I should not have
known how to demean myself a minute longer. Neither could I resume the
easiness of carriage with which I came in; my mistress acted on the reserve, and
the conversation beginning to flag, the old lady introduced her kinswoman of the
house, and proposed a hand at whist.
While we amused ourselves at this diversion, I understood from the
gentlewoman, that there was to be an assembly next night at which I begged to
have the honour of dancing with Miss. She thanked me for the favour I intended
her, assured me she never did dance, but signified a desire of seeing the
company, when I offered my service, which was accepted, not a little proud of
being exempted from appearing with her in a situation, that, notwithstanding my
profession to the contrary, was not at all agreeable to my inclination.
 Having supped, and continued the game, till such time as the successive
yawns of the mother warned me to be gone, I took my leave, and went home,
where I made Strap very happy with an account of my progress. Next day I put
on my gayest apparel, and went to drink tea at Mrs. Snapper’s, according to
appointment, when I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, that she was laid up
with the toothache, and that Miss was to be intrusted to my care. Accordingly,
we set out for the ball-room pretty early in the evening, and took possession of a
commodious place, where we had not sat longer than a quarter of an hour, when
a gentleman, dressed in a green frock, came in, leading a young lady, whom I
immediately discovered to be the adorable Narcissa! Good heaven! what were
the thrillings of my soul at that instant! my reflection was overwhelmed with a
torrent of agitation! my heart throbbed with surprising violence! a sudden mist
overspread my eyes, my ears were invaded with a dreadful sound! I panted for
want of breath, and, in short, was for some moments entranced! This first tumult
subsiding, a crowd of flattering ideas rushed upon my imagination. Everything,
that was soft, sensible, and engaging, in the character of that dear creature
recurred to my remembrance, and every favourable circumstance of my own
qualifications appeared in all the aggravation of self-conceit, to heighten my
expectation! Neither was this transport of long duration. The dread of her being
already disposed of intervened, and overcast my enchanting reverie! My
presaging apprehension represented her encircled in the arms of some happy
rival, and in consequence for ever lost to me. I was stung with this suggestion,
and, believing the person who conducted her to be the husband of this amiable
young lady, already devoted him to my fury, and stood up to mark him for my
vengeance, when I recollected, to my unspeakable joy, her brother the fox-
hunter, in the person of her gallant.
Undeceived so much to my satisfaction in this particular, I gazed in a frenzy
of delight on the irresistible charms of his sister, who no sooner distinguished me
in the crowd, than her evident confusion afforded a happy omen to my flame. At
sight of me she started, the roses instantly vanished from her polished cheeks,
and returned in a moment with a double glow, that overspread her lovely neck,
while her enchanting bosom heaved with strong emotion. I hailed these
favourable symptoms, and, lying in wait for her looks, did homage with my
eyes. She seemed to approve my declaration, by the complacency of her aspect;
and I was so transported with the discovery, that more than once I was on the
point of making up to her, to disclose the throbbings of my heart in person, had
not that profound veneration, which her presence always inspired, restrained the
unseasonable impulse. All my powers being engrossed in this manner, it may
easily be imagined how ill I entertained Miss Snapper on whom I could not now
turn my eyes, without making comparisons very little to her advantage. It was
not even in my power to return distinct answers to the questions she asked from
time to time, so that she could not help observing my absence of mind; and
having a turn for observation, watched my glances, and, tracing them to the
divine object, discovered the cause of my disorder. That she might, however, be
convinced of the truth of her conjecture, she began to interrogate me with regard
to Narcissa, and, notwithstanding all my endeavours to disguise my sentiments,
perceived my attachment by my confusion: upon which, she assumed a
stateliness of behaviour, and sat silent during the remaining part of the
entertainment. At any other time, her suspicion would have alarmed me: but now
I was elevated by my passion above every other consideration. The mistress of
my soul having retired with her brother, I discovered so much uneasiness at my
situation, that Miss Snapper proposed to go home; and, while I conducted her to
a chair, told me she had too great a regard for me to keep me any longer in
torment. I feigned ignorance of her meaning, and having seen her safely at her
lodgings, took my leave, and went home in an ecstasy, where I disclosed
everything that had happened to my confidant and humble servant, Strap, who
did not relish the accident so well as I expected; and observed, that a bird in the
hand is worth two in the bush. “But, however,” said he, “you know best—you
know best.” Next day, as, I went to the Pump Room, in hopes of seeing or
hearing some tidings of my fair enslaver, I was met by a gentlewoman, who,
having looked hard at me, cried, “O Christ, Mr. Random!” Surprised at this
exclamation, I examined the countenance of the person who spoke, and
immediately recognised my old sweetheart and fellow sufferer, Miss Williams.
I was mightily pleased to find this unfortunate woman under such a decent
appearance, professed my joy at seeing her so well, and desired to know where I
should have the pleasure of her conversation. She was as heartily rejoiced at the
apparent easiness of my fortune, and gave me to know that she, as yet, had no
habitation that she could properly call her own; but would wait on me at any
place I should please to appoint. Understanding that she was unengaged for the
present, I showed her the way to my lodgings, where, after a very affectionate
salutation, she informed me of her being very happy in the service of a young
lady to whom she was recommended by a former mistress deceased, into whose
family she had recommended herself by the honest deceit she had concerted,
while she lived with me in the garret at London. She then expressed a vehement
desire to be acquainted with the vicissitudes of my life since we parted, and
excused her curiosity on account of the concern she had for my interest. I
forthwith gratified her request, and, when I described my situation in Sussex,
perceived her to attend to my story with particular eagerness. She interrupted
me, when I had finished that period, with, “Good God! is it possible?” and then
begged I would be so good as to continue my relation; which I did as briefly as I
could, burning with impatience to know the cause of her surprise, about which I
had already formed a very interesting conjecture.
When I had brought my adventures down to the present day, who seemed very
much affected with the different circumstances of my fortune; and saying, with a
smile, she believed my distresses were now at a period, proceeded to inform me
that the lady whom she served was no other than the charming Narcissa, who
had honoured her with her confidence for some time; in consequence of which
trust, she had often repeated the story of John Brown with great admiration and
regard; that she loved to dwell upon the particulars of his character, and did not
scruple to own a tender approbation of his flame. I became delirious at this piece
of intelligence, strained Miss Williams in my embrace, called her the angel of
my happiness, and acted such extravagances, that she might have been
convinced of my sincerity, had she not been satisfied of my honour before. As
soon as was in condition to yield attention, she described the present situation of
her mistress, who had no sooner reached her lodgings the night before, than she
closeted her, and in a rapture of joy gave her to know that she had seen me at the
ball, where I appeared in the character which she always thought my due, with
such advantage of transformation that, unless my image had been engraven on
her heart, it would have been impossible to know me for the person who had
worn her aunt’s livery; that by the language of my eyes, she was assured of the
continuance of my passion for her, and consequently of my being unengaged to
any other; and that, though she did not doubt I would speedily fall upon some
method of being introduced, she was so impatient to hear of me, that she (Miss
Williams) had been sent abroad this very morning, on purpose to learn the name
and character I at present bore. My bosom had been hitherto a stranger to such a
flood of joy as now rushed upon it; my faculties were overborne by the tide; it
was some time before I could open my mouth, and much longer ere I could utter
a coherent sentence. At length, I fervently requested her to lead me immediately
to the object of my adoration; but she resisted my importunity, and explained the
danger of such premature conduct. “How favourable soever,” said she, “my
lady’s inclination towards you may be, you may depend upon it, she will not
commit the smallest trespass on decorum, either in disclosing her own, or in
receiving a declaration of your passion: and, although the great veneration I have
for you has prompted me to reveal what she communicated to me in confidence,
I know so well the severity of her sentiments with respect to the punctilios of her
sex that, if she should learn the least surmise of it, she would not only dismiss
me as a wretch unworthy of her benevolence, but also for ever shun the efforts of
your love.” I assented to the justness of her remonstrance, and desired she would
assist me with her advice and direction: upon which it was concerted between
us, that for the present I should be contented with her telling Narcissa that, in the
course of her inquiries, she could only learn my name: and that, if, in a day or
two, I could fall upon no other method of being introduced to her mistress, she
would deliver a letter from me, on pretence of consulting her happiness: and say
that I met her in the streets, and bribed her to this piece of service. Matters being
thus adjusted, I kept my old acquaintance to breakfast, and learned from her
conversation, that my rival Sir Timothy had drunk himself into an apoplexy, of
which he died five months ago; that the savage was still unmarried and that his
aunt had been seized with a whim which he little expected, and chosen the
schoolmaster of the parish for her lord and husband: but matrimony not agreeing
with her constitution she had been hectic and dropsical a good while, and was
now at Bath, in order to drink the waters for the recovery of her health; that her
niece had accompanied her thither at her request, and attended her with the same
affection as before, notwithstanding the mistake she had committed: and that the
nephew, who had been exasperated at the loss of her fortune, did not give his
attendance out of good will, but purely to have an eye on his sister, lest she
should likewise throw herself away without his consent or approbation. Having
enjoyed ourselves in this manner, and made an assignation to meet next day at a
certain place, Miss Williams took her leave; and Strap’s looks being very
inquisitive about the nature of the communication subsisting between us, I made
him acquainted with the whole affair, to his great astonishment and satisfaction.
 CHAPTER LVI

I become acquainted with Narcissa’s brother, who invites me to

his House, where I am introduced to that adorable Creature—
after dinner, the Squire retires to take his nap—Freeman,
guessing the Situation of my Thought, withdraws likewise, on
pretence of Business—I declare my passion for Narcissa—am
well-received—charmed with her Conversation—the Squire
detains us to Supper—I elude his design by a Stratagem, and get
home sober

In the afternoon, I drank tea at the house of Mr. Freeman, to whom I had been
recommended by Banter; where I had not sat five minutes, till the foxhunter
came in, and by his familiar behaviour appeared to be intimate with my friend. I
was, at first, under some concern, lest he should recollect my features; but when
I found myself introduced to him as a gentleman from London, without being
discovered, I blessed the opportunity that brought me into his company; hoping
that, in the course of my acquaintance, he would invite me to his house; nor were
my hopes frustrated, for, as we spent the evening together, he grew extremely
fond of my conversation, asked a great many childish questions about France
and foreign parts; and seemed so highly entertained with my answers, that in his
cups he shook me often by the hand, pronounced me an honest fellow, and in
fine desired our company at dinner next day, at his civil house. My imagination
was so much employed in anticipating the happiness I was to enjoy next day,
that I slept very little that night; but, rising early in the morning, went to the
place appointed, where I met my she-friend, and imparted to her my success
with the squire. She was very much pleased at the occasion, “which,” she said,
“could not fail of being agreeable to Narcissa, who, in spite of her passion for
me, had mentioned some scruples relating to my true situation and character,
which the delicacy of her sentiments suggested, and which she believed I would
find it necessary to remove, though she did not know how.” I was a good deal
startled at this insinuation, because I foresaw the difficulty I should find in barely
doing myself justice: for, although it never was my intention to impose myself
upon any woman, much less on Narcissa, I laid claim to the character of a
gentleman by birth, education, and behaviour; and yet (so unlucky had the
circumstances of my life fallen out) I should find it a very hard matter to make
good my pretensions even to these, especially to the last, which was the most
essential. Miss Williams was as sensible as I of this my disadvantage, but
comforted me with observing that, when once a woman has bestowed her
affections on a man, she cannot help judging of him in all respects with a
partiality easily influenced in his favour: she remarked that, although some
situations of my life had been low, yet none of them had been infamous; that my
indigence had been the crime not of me, but of fortune; and that the miseries I
had undergone, by improving the faculties both of mind and body, qualified me
the more for any dignified station; and would of consequence recommend me to
the good graces of any sensible woman: she therefore advised me to be always
open and unreserved to the inquiries of my mistress, without unnecessarily
betraying the meanest occurrences of my fate; and trust to the strength of her
love and reflection for the rest.
The sentiments of this sensible young woman on this, as well as on almost
every other subject, perfectly agreed with mine. I thanked her for the care she
took of my interests, and, promising to behave myself according to her
directions we parted, after she had assured me that I depend upon her best offices
with her mistress, and that she would from time to time communicate to me such
intelligence as she could procure, relating to my flame. Having dressed myself to
the best advantage, I waited for the time of dinner with the most fearful
impatience; and, as the hour drew near, my heart beat with such increased
velocity, and my spirits contracted such disorder, that I began to suspect my
resolution, and even to wish myself disengaged. At last Mr. Freeman called at
my lodgings in his way, and I accompanied him to the house where all my
happiness was deposited. We were very kindly received by the squire, who sat
smoking his pipe in a parlour, and asked if we chose to drink any thing before
dinner: though I never had more occasion for a cordial, I was ashamed to accept
his offer, which was also refused, by my friend. We sat down, however, entered
into conversation, which lasted half-an hour, so that I had time to recollect
myself; and (so capricious were my thoughts) even to hope that Narcissa would
not appear—when, all of a sudden, a servant coming in, gave us notice that
dinner was upon the table, and my perturbation returned with such violence that
I could scarcely conceal it from the company, as I ascended the staircase. When I
entered the dining-room, the first object that saluted my ravished eyes was the
divine Narcissa, blushing like Aurora, adorned with all the graces that meekness,
innocence, and beauty can diffuse! I was seized with a giddiness, my knees
tottered and I scarce had strength enough to perform the ceremony of salutation,
when her brother, slapping me on the shoulder, cried, “Measure Randan, that
there is my sister.” I approached her with eagerness and fear; but in the moment
of our embrace, my soul was agonized with rapture! It was a lucky circumstance
for us both, that my entertainer was not endued with an uncommon stock of
penetration; for our mutual confusion was so manifest that Mr. Freeman
perceived it, and as we went home together, congratulated me on my good
fortune. But so far was Bruin from entertaining the least suspicion, that he
encouraged me to begin a conversation with my mistress in a language unknown
to him, by telling her, that he had a gentleman who could jabber with her in
French and other foreign lingoes as fast as she pleased; then, turning to me, said,
“Odds bobs! I wish you would hold discourse with her in your French or Italian,
and tell me if she understands it as well as she would be thought to do. There’s
her aunt and she will chatter together whole days in it, and I can’t have a
mouthful of English for love or money.” I consulted the look of my amiable
mistress and found her averse to his proposal, which indeed she declined with a
sweetness of denial peculiar to herself, as a piece of disrespect to that part of the
company which did not understand the language in question. As I had the
happiness of sitting opposite to her, I feasted my eyes much more than my palate
which she tempted in vain with the most delicious bits carved by her fair hand,
and recommended by her persuasive tongue; but all my other appetites were
swallowed up in immensity of my love, which I fed by gazing incessantly on the
delightful object. Dinner was scarcely ended, when the squire became very
drowsy, and after several dreadful yawns, got up, stretched himself, took two or
three turns across the room, begged we would allow him to take a short nap, and,
having laid a strong injunction on his sister to detain us till his return, went to his
repose without further ceremony. He had not been gone many minutes, when
Freeman, guessing the situation of my heart, and thinking he could not do me a
greater favour than to leave me alone with Narcissa, pretended to recollect
himself all of a sudden, and, starting up, begged the lady pardon for half-an-
hour, for he had unluckily remembered an engagement of some consequence,
that he must perform at that instant: so saying, he took his leave, promising to
come back time enough for tea, leaving my mistress and me in great confusion.
Now that I enjoyed an opportunity of disclosing the paintings of my soul, I
had not the power to use it. I studied many pathetic declarations, but, when I
attempted to give them utterance, my tongue denied its office and she sat silent
with a downcast look full of anxious alarm, her bosom heaving with expectation
of some great event. At length I endeavoured to put an end to this solemn pause,
and began with, “It is very surprising, madam, madam”—here the sound dying
away, I made a full stop; while Narcissa, starting, blushed, and, with a timid
accent answered, “Sir?” Confounded at this note of interrogation, I pronounced
with the most sheepish bashfulness, “Madam!” To which she replied, “I beg
pardon—I thought you had spoken to me.” Another pause ensued—I made
another effort, and, though my voice faltered very much at the beginning, made
shift to express myself in this manner: “I say, madam, it is very surprising that
love should act so inconsistently with itself, as to deprive its votaries of the use
of their faculties, when they have most need of them. Since the happy occasion
of being alone with you presented itself, I have made many unsuccessful
attempts to declare a passion for the loveliest of her sex—a passion which took
possession of my soul, while my cruel fate compelled me to wear a servile
disguise so unsuitable to my birth, sentiments, and let me add, my deserts; yet
favourable in one respect, as it furnished me with opportunities of seeing and
adoring your perfections. Yes, madam, it was then your dear idea entered my
bosom, where it has lived unimpaired in the midst of numberless cares, and
animated me against a thousand dangers and calamities!”
While I spoke thus, she concealed her face with her fan, and when I ceased
speaking, recovering herself from the most beautiful confusion, told me she
thought herself very much obliged by my favourable opinion of her, and that she
was very sorry to hear I had been unfortunate. Encouraged by this gentle reply, I
proceeded, owned myself sufficiently recompensed by her kind compassion for
what I had undergone, and declared the future happiness of my life depended
solely upon her. “Sir,” said she, “I should be very ungrateful, if after the signal
protection you once afforded me, I should refuse to contribute towards your
happiness in any reasonable condescension.” Transported at this
acknowledgment I threw myself at her feet, and begged she would regard my
passion with a favourable eye. She was alarmed at my behaviour, entreated me
to rise lest her brother should discover me in that posture, and to spare her for
the present upon a subject for which she was altogether unprepared. In
consequence of this remonstrance, I rose, assuring her I would rather die than
disobey her: but in the meantime begged her to consider how precious the
minutes of this opportunity were, and what restraint I put upon my inclinations,
in sacrificing them to her desire. She smiled with unspeakable sweetness, and
said there would be no want of opportunities, provided I could maintain the good
opinion her brother had conceived of me, and I, enchanted by her charms, seized
her hand, which I well nigh devoured with kisses. But she checked my boldness
with a severity of countenance, and desired I would not so far forget myself to
her, as to endanger the esteem she had for me; she reminded me of our being
almost strangers to each other, and of the necessity there was for her knowing
me better, before she could take any resolution in my favour; and, in short,
mingled so much good sense and complacency in her reproof, that I became as
much enamoured of her understanding as I had been before of her beauty, and
asked pardon for my presumption with the utmost reverence of conviction. She
forgave my offence with her usual affability, and sealed my pardon with a look
so full of bewitching tenderness, that, for some minutes, my senses were lost in
ecstacy! I afterwards endeavoured to regulate my behaviour according to her
desire, and turn the conversation upon a more indifferent subject; but her
presence was an insurmountable obstacle to my design; while I beheld so much
excellence, I found it impossible to call my attention from the contemplation of
it! I gazed with unutterable fondness! I grew mad with admiration! “My
condition is insupportable!” cried I: “I am distracted with passion! Why are you
so exquisitely fair?—why are you so enchantingly good?—why has nature
dignified you with charms so much above the standard of woman? and, wretch
that I am, how dare my unworthiness aspire to the enjoyment of such
perfection!”
She was startled at my ravings, reasoned down my transport, and by her
irresistible eloquence, soothed my soul into a state of tranquil felicity; but, lest I
might suffer a relapse, industriously promoted other subjects to entertain my
imagination. She chid me for having omitted to inquire about her aunt who (she
assured me), in the midst of all her absence of temper, and detachment from
common affairs, often talked of me with uncommon warmth. I professed my
veneration for the good lady, excused my omission, by imputing it to the
violence of my love, which engrossed my whole soul, and desired to know the
situation of her health. Upon which, the amiable Narcissa repeated what I had
heard before of her marriage, with all the tenderness for her reputation that the
subject would admit of; told me she lived with her husband hard by, and was so
much afflicted with the dropsy, and wasted by a consumption, that she had small
hopes of her recovery. Having expressed my sorrow for her distemper, I
questioned her about my good friend, Mrs. Sagely, who, I learned to my great
satisfaction, was in good health, and who had by the encomiums she bestowed
upon me after I was gone, confirmed the favourable impression my behaviour at
parting had made on Narcissa’s heart. This circumstance introduced an inquiry
into the conduct of Sir Timothy Thicket, who (she informed me) had found
means to incense her brother so much against me that she found it impossible to
undeceive him: but, on the contrary, suffered very much in her own character by
his scandalous insinuations; that the whole parish was alarmed, and actually in
pursuit of me; so that she had been in the utmost consternation on my account,
well knowing how little my own innocence and her testimony would have
weighed with the ignorance, prejudice, and brutality of those who must have
judged me, had I been apprehended; that Sir Timothy, having been seized with a
fit of apoplexy, from which with great difficulty he was recovered, began to be
apprehensive of death, and to prepare himself accordingly for that great event; as
a step to which he sent for her brother, owned with great contrition the brutal
design he had upon her, and in consequence acquitted me of the assault, robbery,
and correspondence with her, which he had laid to my charge; after which
confession he lived about a month in a languishing condition, and was carried
off by a second assault.
Every word that this dear creature spoke, riveted the chains with which she
held me enslaved! My mischievous fancy began to work, and the tempest of my
passion to wake again, when the return of Freeman destroyed the tempting
opportunity, and enabled me to quell the rising tumult. A little while after, the
squire staggered into the room, rubbing his eyes, and called for his tea, which he
drank out of a small bowl, qualified with brandy; while we took it in the usual
way, Narcissa left us in order to visit her aunt; and when Freeman and I
proposed to take our leave, the foxhunter insisted on our spending the evening at
his house with such obstinacy of affection, that we were obliged to comply. For
my own part, I should have been glad of the invitation, by which, in all
likelihood, I should be blessed with more of his sister’s company, had I not been
afraid of risking her esteem, by entering into a debauch of drinking with him,
which, from the knowledge of his character, I foresaw would happen: but there
was no remedy. I was forced to rely upon the strength of my constitution, which
I hoped would resist intoxication longer than the squire’s, and to trust to the
good nature and discretion of my mistress for the rest.
Our entertainer, resolving to begin by times, ordered the table to be furnished
with liquor and glasses immediately after tea, but we absolutely refused to set in
for drinking so soon; and prevailed upon him to pass away an hour or two at
whist, in which we engaged as soon as Narcissa returned. The savage and I
happened to be partners at first, and, as my thoughts were wholly employed in a
more interesting game, I played so ill that he lost all patience, swore bitterly, and
threatened to call for wine, if they would not grant him another associate. This
desire was gratified, and Narcissa and I were of a side; he won for the same
reason that made him lose before; I was satisfied, my lovely partner did not
repine, and the time slipped away very agreeably, until we were told that supper
was served in another room.
The squire was enraged to find the evening so unprofitably spent, and wreaked
his vengeance on the cards, which he tore, and committed to the flames with
many execrations; threatening to make us redeem our loss with a large glass and
quick circulation; and indeed we had no sooner supped, and my charmer
withdrawn, than he began to put his threat in execution. Three bottles of port (for
he drank no other sort of wine) were placed before us, with as many water
glasses, which were immediately filled to the brim, after his example, by each
out of his respective allowance, and emptied in a trice to the best in
Christendom. Though I swallowed this, and the next, as fast as the glass could be
replenished, without hesitation or show of reluctance, I perceived that my brain
would not be able to bear many bumpers of this sort, and dreading the
perseverance of a champion who began with such vigour, I determined to make
up for the deficiency of my strength by a stratagem, which I actually put in
practice when the second course of bottles was called for. The wine being strong
and heady, I was already a good deal discomposed by the dispatch we had made.
Freeman’s eyes began to reel, and Bruin himself was elevated into a song, which
he uttered with great vociferation. When I therefore saw the second round
brought in, I assumed a gay air, entertained him with a French catch on the
subject of drinking, which, though he did rot understand it, delighted him highly;
and, telling him your choice spirits at Paris never troubled themselves with
glasses, asked if he had not a bowl or cup in the house that would contain a
whole quart of wine. “Odds niggers!” cried he, “I have a silver candle cup that
holds just the quantity, for all the world; fetch it hither, Numps.” The vessel
being produced, I bade him decant his bottle into it, which he having done, I
nodded in a very deliberate manner, and said, “Pledge you.” He stared at me for
some time, and crying, “What! all at one pull, Measter Randan?” I answered,
“At one pull, Sir, you are no milk-sop—we shall do you justice.” “Shall you?”
said he, shaking me by the hand; “odds then, I’ll see it out, an’t were a mile to
the bottom: here’s to our better acquaintance, measter Randan,” So saying, he
applied it to his lips, and emptied it in a breath. I knew the effect of it would be
almost instantaneous; therefore taking the cup, began to discharge my bottle into
it, telling him he was now qualified to drink with the Cham of Tartary. I had no
sooner pronounced these words than he took umbrage at them, and after several
attempts to spit, made shift to stutter, “A f—t for your Chams of T—Tartary! I
am a f—f—freeborn Englishman, worth th—three thousand a-year, and v—
value no man, d—me.” Then, dropping his jaw, and fixing his eyes, he hiccuped
aloud, and fell upon the floor as mute as a flounder. Mr. Freeman, heartily glad at
his defeat, assisted me in carrying him to bed, where we left him to the care of
his servants, and went home to our respective habitations, congratulating each
other on our good fortune.
 CHAPTER LVII
Miss Williams informs me of Narcissa’s Approbation of my
Flame—I appease the Squire—write to my Mistress—am
blessed with an Answer—beg Leave of her Brother to dance
with her at a Ball—obtain his Consent and hers—enjoy a private
Conversation with her—am perplexed with Reflections—have
the Honour of appearing her Partner at a Ball—we are
complimented by a certain Nobleman—he discovers some
Symptoms of a Passion for Narcissa—I am stung with Jealousy
—Narcissa, alarmed, retires—I observe Melinda in the company
—the Squire is captivated by her Beauty

I was met next morning at the usual place by Miss Williams, who gave me joy
of the progress I had made in the affection of her mistress, and blessed me with
an account of that dear creature’s conversation with her, after she had retired the
night before from our company. I could scarce believe her information, when she
recounted her expressions in my favour, so much more warm and passionate
were they than my most sanguine hopes had presaged; and was particularly
pleased to hear that she approved of my behaviour to her brother after she
withdrew. Transported at the news of my happiness, I presented my ring to the
messenger as a testimony of my gratitude and satisfaction; but she was above
such mercenary considerations, and refused my compliment with some
resentment, saying, she was not a little mortified to see my opinion of her so low
and contemptible. I did myself a piece of justice by explaining my behaviour on
this head, and to convince her of my esteem, promised to be ruled by her
directions in the prosecution of the whole affair, which I had so much at heart,
that the repose of my life depended upon the consequence.
As I fervently wished for another interview, where I might pour out the
effusion of my love without danger of being interrupted, and perhaps reap some
endearing return from the queen of my desires, I implored her advice and
assistance in promoting this event: but she gave me to understand, that Narcissa
would make no precipitate compliances of this kind, and I would do well to
cultivate her brother’s acquaintance, in the course of which I should not want
opportunities of removing that reserve which my mistress thought herself
obliged to maintain during the infancy of our correspondence. In the meantime
she promised to tell her lady that I had endeavoured by presents and persuasions,
to prevail upon her (Miss Williams) to deliver a letter from me, which she had
refused to charge herself with, until she should know Narcissa’s sentiments of
the matter; and said, by these means she did not doubt of being able to open a
literary communication between us, which could not fail of introducing more
intimate connections.
I approved of her counsel, and, our appointment being renewed for the next
day, left her with an intent of falling upon some method of being reconciled to
the squire, who, I supposed, would be offended with the trick we had put upon
him. With this view I consulted Freeman, who, from his knowledge of the
foxhunter’s disposition, assured me there was no other method of pacifying him,
than that of sacrificing ourselves for one night to an equal match with him in
drinking. This expedient I found myself necessitated to comply with for the
interest of my passion, and therefore determined to commit the debauch at my
own lodgings, that I might run no risk of being discovered by Narcissa, in a state
of brutal degeneracy. Mr. Freeman, who was to be of the party, went, at my
desire, to the squire, in order to engage him, while I took care to furnish myself
for his reception. My invitation was accepted, my guests honoured me with their
company in the evening, when Bruin gave me to understand that he had drunk
many tons of wine in his life, but was never served such a trick as I had played
upon him the night before. I promised to atone for my trespass, and, having
ordered to every man his bottle, began the contest with a bumper to the health of
Narcissa. The toasts circulated with great devotion, the liquor began to operate,
our mirth grew noisy, and, as Freeman said, I had the advantage of drinking
small French claret, the savage was effectually tamed before our senses were in
the least affected, and carried home in an apoplexy of drunkenness.
I was next morning, as usual, favoured with a visit from my kind and punctual
confidante, who, telling me she was permitted to receive my letters for her
mistress, I took up the pen immediately, and, following the first dictates of my
passion, wrote as follows:

“Dear Madam,
“Were it possible for the powers of utterance to reveal the soft
emotions of my soul, the fond anxiety, the glowing hopes, the
chilling flame, that rule my breast by turns, I should need no
other witness than this paper, to evince the purity and ardour of
that flame your charms have kindled in my heart, But alas!
expression wrongs my love! I am inspired with conceptions that
no language can convey! Your beauty fills me with wonder, your
understanding with ravishment, and your goodness with
adoration! I am transported with desire, distracted with doubts,
and tortured with impatience. Suffer me then, lovely arbitress of
my fate, to approach you in person, to breathe in soft murmurs
my passion to your ear, to offer the sacrifice of a heart
overflowing with the most genuine and disinterested love, to
gaze with ecstacy on the divine object of my wishes, to hear the
music of her enchanting tongue, and to rejoice in her smiles of
approbation, which will banish the most intolerable suspense
from the bosom of

“Your enraptured, R— R—.”

Having finished this effusion, I committed it to the care of my faithful friend,

with an injunction to second my entreaty with all her eloquence and influence,
and in the meantime went to dress, with an intention of visiting Mrs. Snapper
and Miss, whom I had utterly neglected, and indeed almost forgotten, since my
dear Narcissa had resumed the empire of my soul. The old gentlewoman
received me very kindly, and Miss affected a frankness and gaiety which,
however, I could easily perceive was forced and dissembled: among other
things, she pretended to joke me upon my passion for Narcissa, which she
averred was no secret, and asked if I intended to dance with her at the next
assembly. I was a good deal concerned to find myself become the town talk on
this subject, lest the squire, having notice of my inclinations, should disapprove
of them, and, by breaking off all correspondence with me, deprive me of the
opportunities I now enjoyed. But I resolved to use the interest I had with him,
while it lasted; and that very night, meeting him occasionally, asked his
permission to solicit her company at the ball, which he very readily granted, to
my inexpressible satisfaction.
Having been kept awake the greatest part of the night by a thousand delightful
reveries that took possession of my fancy, I got up by times, and, flying to the
place of rendezvous, had in a little time the pleasure of seeing Miss Williams
approach with a smile on her countenance, which I interpreted into a good omen.
Neither was I mistaken in my presage. She presented me with a letter from the
idol of my soul, which, after having kissed it devoutly, I opened with the utmost
eagerness, and was blessed with her approbation in these terms:

“Sir,
“To say I look upon you with indifference would be a piece of
dissimulation which I think no decorum requires, and no custom
can justify. As my heart never felt an impression that my tongue
was ashamed to declare, I will not scruple to own myself
pleased with your passion; confident of your integrity, and so
well convinced of my own discretion, that I should not hesitate
in granting you the interview you desire, were I not overawed by
the prying curiosity of a malicious world, the censure of which
might be fatally prejudicial to the reputation of

“Your Narcissa.”

No anchorite in the ecstacy of devotion ever adored a relic with more fervour
than that with which I kissed this inimitable proof of my charmer’s candour,
generosity, and affection! I read it over a hundred times, was ravished with her
confession in the beginning; but the subscription of Your Narcissa yielded me
such delight as I had never felt before! My happiness was still increased by Miss
Williams, who blessed me with a repetition of her lady’s tender expressions in
my favour, when she received and read my letter. In short, I had all the reason in
the world to believe that this gentle creature’s bosom was possessed by a passion
for me, as warm, though perhaps not so impetuous as mine for her.
 I informed my friend of the squire’s consent to my dancing with Narcissa at
the ball and desired her to tell her mistress, that I would do myself the honour of
visiting her in the afternoon, in consequence of his permission, when I hoped to
find her as indulgent as her brother had been complaisant in that particular. Miss
Williams expressed a good deal of joy at hearing I was so much in favour with
the foxhunter, and ventured to assure me, that my visit would be very agreeable
to my mistress, the rather because Bruin was engaged to dine abroad. This was a
circumstance which, I scarce need say, pleased me. I went immediately to the
Long Room, where I found him, and, affecting to know nothing of his
engagement, told him, I would do myself the pleasure to wait upon him in the
afternoon, and to present his sister with a ticket for the ball. He shook me by the
hand, according to custom, and, giving me to understand that he was to dine
abroad, desired me to go and drink tea with Narcissa notwithstanding, and
promised to prepare her for my visit in the meantime.
Everything succeeding thus to my wish, I waited with incredible impatience
for the time, which no sooner arrived than I hastened to the scene, which my
fancy had preoccupied long before. I was introduced accordingly to the dear
enchantress, whom I found accompanied by Miss Williams, who, on pretence of
ordering tea, retired at my approach. This favourable accident, which alarmed
my whole soul, disordered her also. I found myself actuated by an irresistible
impulse; I advanced to her with eagerness and awe; and, profiting by the
confusion that prevailed over her, clasped the fair angel in my arms, and
imprinted a glowing kiss upon her lips, more soft and fragrant than the dewy
rosebud just bursting from the stem! Her face was in an instant covered with
blushes, her eyes sparkled with resentment; I threw myself at her feet, and
implored her pardon. Her love became advocate in my cause; her look softened
into forgiveness; she raised me up, and chid me with so much sweetness of
displeasure that I could have been tempted to repeat the offence, had not the
coming in of the servant with the tea-board prevented my presumption. While
we were subject to be interrupted or overheard, we conversed about the
approaching ball, at which she promised to grace me as a partner, but, when the
equipage was removed, and we were left alone, I resumed the more interesting
theme, and expressed myself with such transport and agitation, that my mistress,
fearing I should commit some extravagance, rang the bell for her maid, whom
she detained in the room, as a check upon my vivacity. I was not sorry for this
precaution, because I could unbosom myself without reserve before Miss
Williams, who was the confidante of us both. I therefore gave a loose to the
inspirations of my passion, which operated so successfully upon the tender
affections of Narcissa, that she laid aside the constraint she had hitherto worn,
and blessed me with the most melting declaration of her mutual flame! It was
impossible for me to forbear taking the advantage of this endearing
condescension. She now gently yielded to my embraces; while I, encircling all
that I held dear within my arms, tasted in advance the joys of that paradise I
hoped in a little time wholly to possess! We spent the afternoon in all the ecstacy
of hope that the most fervent love exchanged by mutual vows could inspire; and
Miss Williams was so much affected with our chaste caresses, which recalled the
sad remembrance of what she was, that her eyes were filled with tears.
The evening being pretty far advanced, I forced myself from the dear object of
my flame, who indulged me in a tender embrace at parting, and, repairing to my
lodgings, communicated to my friend Strap every circumstance of my happiness,
which filled him with so much pleasure, that it ran over at his eyes; and he
prayed heartily, that no envious devil might, as formerly, dash the cup of
blessing from my lip. When I reflected on what had happened, and especially on
the unreserved protestations of Narcissa’s love, I could not help being amazed at
her omitting to inquire into the particular circumstances of life and fortune of
one whom she had favoured with her affection, and I began to be a little anxious
about the situation of her finances; well knowing that I should do an irreparable
injury to the person my soul held most dear, if I should espouse her without
being able to support her in the rank which was certainly her due. I had heard,
indeed, while I served her aunt, that her father had left her a considerable sum;
and that everybody believed she would inherit the greatest part of her
kinswoman’s dowry, but I did not know how far she might be restricted by the
old gentleman’s will in the enjoyment of what he left her: and I was too well
informed of the virtuoso’s late conduct, to think my mistress could have any
expectation from that quarter. I confided, however, in the good sense and policy
of my charmer, who, I was sure, would not consent to unite her fate with mine,
before she had fully considered and provided for the consequence.
The ball night being arrived, I dressed myself in a suit I had reserved for some
grand occasion; and, having drunk tea with Narcissa and her brother, conducted
my angel to the scene, where she, in a moment, eclipsed all her female
competitors for beauty, and attracted the admiration of the whole assembly. My
heart dilated with pride on this occasion, and my triumph rejected all bounds,
when, after we had danced together, a certain nobleman, remarkable for his
figure, and influence in the beau monde, came up, and in the hearing of all
present, honoured us with a very particular compliment upon our
accomplishments and appearance; but this transport was soon checked, when I
perceived his lordship attach himself with great assiduity to my mistress, and say
some warm things, which, I thought, savoured too much of passion. It was then I
began to feel the pangs of jealousy; I dreaded the power and address of my rival;
I sickened at his discourse; when she opened her lips to answer, my heart died
within me; when she smiled, I felt the pains of the damned! I was enraged at his
presumption: I cursed her complaisance: at length he quitted her, and went to the
other side of the room. Narcissa, suspecting nothing of the rage that inflamed
me, put some questions to me as soon as he was gone, to which I made no reply,
but assumed a grim look, which too well denoted the agitation of my breast, and
surprised her not a little. She no sooner observed my emotion than she changed
colour, and asked what ailed me? but before I could make answer, her brother,
pulling me by the sleeve, bade me take notice of a lady who sat fronting us,
whom I immediately, to my vast astonishment, distinguished to be Melinda,
accompanied by her mother, and an elderly gentleman, whom I did not know.
“Wounds! Mr. Randan,” cried the squire, “is she not a delicate piece of stuff?
’Sdeath! I have a good mind—if I thought she was a single person.”
Notwithstanding the perplexity I was in, I had reflection enough to foresee
that my passion might suffer greatly by the presence of this lady, who, in all
probability, would revenge herself upon me, for having formerly disgraced her,
by spreading reports to my prejudice. I was therefore alarmed at these symptoms
of the Squire’s admiration; and for some time did not know what reply to make,
when he asked my opinion of her beauty; at length I came to a determination,
and told him that her name was Melinda, that she had a fortune of ten thousand
pounds, and was said to be under promise of marriage to a certain lord, who
deferred his nuptials a few months, until he should be of age. I thought this piece
of intelligence, which I had myself invented, would have hindered him
effectually from entertaining any further thoughts of her; but I was egregiously
mistaken. The foxhunter had too much self-sufficiency to despair of success
against any competitor on earth. He therefore made light of her engagement,
saying, with a smile of self-approbation, “Mayhap she will change her mind;
what signifies his being a lord? I think myself as good a man as e’er a lord in
Christendom, and I’ll see if a commoner worth three thousand a year won’t serve
her turn.” This determination startled me not a little; I knew he would soon
discover the contrary of what I advanced; and as I believed he would find her ear
open to his addresses, did not doubt of meeting with every obstacle in my amour
that her malice could invent, and her influence execute. This reflection increased
my chagrin—my vexation was evident. Narcissa insisted on going home
immediately: and, as I led her to the door, her noble admirer, with a look full of
languishment, directed to her a profound bow, which stung me to the soul.
Before she went into the chair, she asked, with an appearance of concern, what
was the matter with me? and I could pronounce no more than “By heaven, I am
distracted!”
 CHAPTER LVIII

Tortured with Jealousy, I go Home, and abuse Strap—receive a

Message from Narcissa, in Consequence of which I hasten to her
Apartment, where her endearing Assurances banish all my
Doubts and Apprehensions—in my Retreat discover Somebody
in the Dark, whom, suspecting to be a Spy, I resolve to kill, but,
to my great Surprise, am convinced of his being no other than
Strap—Melinda slanders me—I become acquainted with Lord
Quiverwit, who endeavours to sound me with regard to Narcissa
—the Squire is introduced to his Lordship, and grows cold
towards me—I learn from my Confidante, that this Nobleman
professes honourable Love to my Mistress, who continues
faithful to me, notwithstanding the scandalous Reports she had
heard to my Prejudice—I am mortified with an Assurance that
her whole Fortune depends upon the Pleasure of her Brother—
Mr. Freeman condoles me on the Decline of my Character,
which I vindicate so much to his satisfaction, that he undertakes
to combat Fame on my behalf

Having uttered this exclamation, at which she sighed, I went home in the
condition of a frantic Bedlamite: and, finding the fire in my apartment almost
extinguished, vented my fury upon poor Strap, whose ear I pinched with such
violence, that he roared hideously with pain; and, when I quitted my hold,
looked so foolishly aghast, that no unconcerned spectator could have seen him
without being seized with an immoderate fit of laughter. It is true, I was soon
sensible of the injury I had done, and asked pardon for the outrage I had
committed; upon which my faithful valet, shaking his head, said, “I forgive you,
and may God forgive you!” But he could not help shedding some tears at my
unkindness. I felt unspeakable remorse for what I had done, cursed my own
ingratitude, and considered his tears as a reproach that my soul, in its present
disturbance, could not bear. It set all my passions into a ferment: I swore horrible
oaths without meaning or application. I foamed at the mouth, kicked the chairs
about the room, and played abundance of mad pranks that frightened my friend
almost out of his senses. At length my transport subsided, I became melancholy,
and wept insensibly.
During this state of dejection, I was surprised with the appearance of Miss
Williams, whom Strap, blubbering all the while, had conducted into the chamber
without giving me previous notice of her approach. She was extremely affected
with my condition, which she had learned from him, begged me to moderate my
passion, suspend my conjectures, and follow her to Narcissa, who desired to see
me forthwith. That dear name operated upon me like a charm! I started up, and,
without opening my lips, was conducted into her apartment through the garden,
which we entered by a private door. I found the adorable creature in tears; I was
melted at the sight—we continued silent for some time—my heart was too full to
speak—her snowy bosom heaved with fond resentment; at last she sobbing
cried, “What have I done to disoblige you?” My heart was pierced with the
tender question. I drew near with the utmost reverence of affection. I fell upon
my knees before her, and, kissing her hand, exclaimed, “Oh! thou art all
goodness and perfection! I am undone by want of merit; I am unworthy to
possess thy charms, which heaven hath destined for the arms of some more
favourite being.” She guessed the cause of my disquiet, upbraided me gently for
my suspicion, and gave me such flattering assurances of her eternal fidelity, that
all my doubts and fears forsook me, and peace and satisfaction reigned within
my breast.
At midnight I left the fair nymph to her repose, and, being let out by Miss
Williams at the garden gate by which I entered, began to explore my way
homeward in the dark, when I heard at my back a noise like that of a baboon
when he mews and chatters. I turned instantly, and, perceiving something black,
concluded I was discovered by some spy, employed to watch for that purpose;
aroused at this conjecture, by which the reputation of the virtuous Narcissa
appeared in jeopardy, I drew my sword, and would have sacrificed him to her
fame, had not the voice of Strap restrained my arm, it was with great difficulty
he could pronounce, “D—d—d-do! mum—um—um—murder me if you
please.” Such an effect had the cold upon his jaws, that his teeth rattled like a
pair of castanets. Pleased to be thus undeceived, I laughed at his consternation,
and asked what brought him thither? Upon which he gave me to understand, that
his concern for me had induced him to follow me to that place, where the same
reason had detained him till now, and he frankly owned, that, in spite of the
esteem he had for Miss Williams he began to be very uneasy about me,
considering the disposition in which I went abroad; and, if I had stayed much
longer, would certainly have alarmed the neighbourhood in my behalf. The
knowledge of this his intention confounded me. I represented to him the
mischievous consequences that would have attended such a rash action, and,
cautioning him severely against any such design for the future, concluded my
admonition with an assurance, that, in case he should ever act so madly, I would,
without hesitation, put him to death. “Have a little patience!” cried he, in a
lamentable tone; “your displeasure will do the business, without your
committing murder.” I was touched with this reproach; and, as soon as we got
home, made it my business to appease him, by explaining the cause of that
transport during which I had used him so unworthily.
Next day when I went into the Long Room, I observed several whispers
circulate all of a sudden, and did not doubt that Melinda had been busy with my
character; but I consoled myself with the love of Narcissa, upon which I rested
with the most perfect confidence; and going up to the rowly-powly table, won a
few pieces from my suspected rival, who, with an easy politeness, entered into
conversation with me, and, desiring my company to the coffee-house, treated me
with tea and chocolate. I remembered Strutwell, and guarded against his
insinuating behaviour; nor was my suspicion wrong placed; he artfully turned
the discourse upon Narcissa, and endeavoured by hinting at an intrigue he
pretended to be engaged in elsewhere, to learn what connection there was
between her and me. But all his finesse was ineffectual, I was convinced of his
dissimulation, and gave such general answers to his inquiries, that he was forced
to drop the subject, and talk of something else.
While we conversed in this manner, the savage came in with another
gentleman, who introduced him to his lordship, and he was received with such
peculiar marks of distinction, that I was persuaded the courtier intended to use
him in some shape or other; and from thence I drew an unlucky omen. But I had
more cause to be dismayed the following day, when I saw the squire in company
with Melinda and her mother, who honoured me with several disdainful glances;
and when I afterwards threw myself in his way, instead of the cordial shake of
the hand, he returned my salute with a cold repetition of “Servant, servant!”
which he pronounced with such indifference or rather contempt, that if he had
not been Narcissa’s brother, I should have affronted him in public.
These occurrences disturbed me not a little; I foresaw the brooding storm, and
armed myself with resolution for the occasion; but Narcissa, being at stake, I
was far from being resigned. I could have renounced every other comfort of life
with some degree of fortitude, but the prospect of losing her disabled all my
philosophy, and tortured my soul into madness.
Miss Williams found me, next morning, full of anxious tumult, which did not
abate when she told me that my Lord Quiverwit, having professed honourable
intentions, had been introduced to my lovely mistress by her brother, who had, at
the same time, from the information of Melinda, spoken of me as an Irish
fortune-hunter, without either birth or estate; who supported myself in the
appearance of a gentleman by sharping and other infamous practices; and who
was of such an obscure origin, that I did not even know my own extraction.
Though I expected all this malice, I could not hear it with temper, especially as
truth was so blended with falsehood in the assertion, that it would be almost
impossible to separate the one from the other in my vindication. But I said
nothing on this head, being impatient to know how Narcissa had been affected
with the discovery. That generous creature, far from believing these
imprecations, was no sooner withdrawn with her confidante, than she inveighed
with great warmth against the malevolence of the world, to which only she
ascribed the whole of what had been said to my disadvantage, and, calling every
circumstance of my behaviour to her into review before her, found everything so
polite, honourable, and disinterested, that she could not harbour the least doubt
of my being the gentleman I assumed. “I have indeed,” said she, “purposely
forborne to ask the particulars of his life, lest the recapitulation of some
misfortunes, which he has undergone, should give him pain; and, as to the article
of his fortune, I own myself equally afraid of inquiring into it, and of
discovering the state of my own, lest we should find ourselves both unhappy in
the explanation; for, alas! my provision is conditional, and depends entirely on
my marrying with my brother’s consent.”
 I was thunderstruck with this intelligence, the light forsook my eyes, the
colour vanished from my cheeks, and I remained in a state of universal
trepidation! My female friend, perceiving my disorder, encouraged me with
assurances of Narcissa’s constancy, and the hope of some accident favourable to
our love; and, as a further consolation, gave me to understand, that she had
acquainted my mistress with the outlines of my life: and that, although she was
no stranger to the present low state of my finances, her love and esteem were
rather increased than diminished by the knowledge of my circumstances. I was
greatly comforted by this assurance, which saved me a world of confusion and
anxiety; for I must have imparted my situation one day to Narcissa, and this task
I could not have performed without shame and disorder.
As I did not doubt that by this time the scandalous aspersions of Melinda were
diffused all over the town, I resolved to collect my whole strength of assurance,
to browbeat the efforts of her malice, and to publish her adventure with the
frenchified barber by way of reprisal. In the meantime, having promised to be at
the garden-gate about midnight, Miss Williams took her leave, bidding me
repose myself entirely on the affection of my dear Narcissa, which was as
perfect as inviolable. Before I went abroad, I was visited by Freeman, who came
on purpose to inform me of the infamous stories that were raised at my expense.
I heard them with great temper, and in my turn disclosed everything that had
happened between Melinda and me; and among other circumstances entertained
him with the story of the barber, letting him know what share his friend Banter
had in that affair. He was convinced of the injury my reputation had suffered;
and, no longer doubting the fountain from whence this deluge of slander had
flowed upon me, undertook to undeceive the town in my behalf, and roll the
stream back upon its source; but in the meantime, cautioned me from appearing
in public, while the prepossession was so strong against me, lest I should meet
with some affront that might have bad consequences.
 CHAPTER LIX

I receive an extraordinary Message at the Door of the Long

Room, which, however, enter, and affront the Squire, who
threatens to take the Law of me—Rebuke Melinda for her
Malice—she weeps with Vexation—Lord Quiverwit is severe
upon me—I retort his Sarcasm—am received with the utmost
Tenderness by Narcissa, who desires to hear the Story of my
Life—we vow eternal Constancy to other—I retire—am waked
by a Messenger, who brings a Challenge from Quiverwit, whom
I meet, engage, and vanquish

I thanked him for his advice, which, however, my pride and resentment would
not permit me to follow; for he no sooner left me, in order to do justice to my
character among his friends and acquaintance, than I sallied out, and went
directly to the Long Room. I was met at the door by a servant, who presented a
billet to me without a subscription, importing that my presence was disagreeable
to the company, and desiring I would take the hint without further disturbance,
and bestow myself elsewhere for the future. This peremptory message filled me
with indignation. I followed the fellow who delivered it, and, seizing him by the
collar in presence of all the company, threatened to put him instantly to death, if
he did not discover the scoundrel who had charged him with such an impudent
commission, that I might punish him as he deserved. The messenger, affrighted
at my menaces and furious looks, fell upon his knees, and told me, that the
gentleman who ordered him to deliver the letter was no other than Narcissa’s
brother, who, at that time, stood at the other end of the room, talking to Melinda.
I went up to him immediately, and in the hearing of his inamorata, accosted him
in these words; “Lookee, squire, were it not for one consideration that protects
you from my resentment, I would cane you where you stand, for having had the
presumption to send me this scurrilous intimation;” which I tore to pieces and
threw in his face: at the same time darting an angry regard at his mistress, I told
her, I was sorry she had put it out of my power to compliment her upon her
invention, but at the expense of her good nature and veracity. Her admirer,
whose courage never rose, but in proportion to the wine he had swallowed,
instead of resenting my address in what is called an honourable way, threatened
to prosecute me for an assault, and took witnesses accordingly: while she,
piqued at his pusillanimous behaviour, and enraged at the sarcasm I had uttered
against her, endeavoured to make her quarrel a public cause, and wept aloud
with spite and vexation.
The tears of a lady could not fail of attracting the notice and concern of the
spectators to whom she complained of my rudeness with great bitterness, saying,
if she were a man, I durst not use her so. The greatest part of the gentlemen,
already prejudiced against me, were offended at the liberty I had taken, as
appeared from their looks; though none of them signified their disgust any other
way except my Lord Quiverwit, who ventured to say, with a sneer, that I was in
the right to establish my own character, of which he had now no longer any
doubt. Nettled at this severe equivocation, which raised a laugh at my expense, I
replied with some warmth, “I am proud of having in that particular got the start
of your lordship.” He made no answer to my repartee, but with a contemptuous
smile walked off, leaving me in a very disagreeable situation. In vain did I make
up to several people of my acquaintance, whose conversation, I hoped, would
banish my confusion; everybody shunned me like a person infected, and I should
not have been able to bear my disgrace, had not the idea of the ever faithful and
fond Narcissa come to my relief. I quitted the scene of my mortification, and,
sauntering about the town, happened to wake from my contemplation, when I
found myself just opposite to a toy-shop, which I entered, and purchased a ring
set with a ruby in the form of a heart, surrounded by diamond sparks, for which I
paid ten guineas, intending it for a present to the charmer of my soul.
I was introduced, at the hour appointed, to this divine creature, who,
notwithstanding what she had heard to my disadvantage, received me with the
utmost confidence and tenderness; and, having been informed of the general
sketches of my life by Miss Williams, expressed a desire, of knowing the
particular circumstances, which I related with great candour, omitting, however,
some things which I concluded altogether improper for her ear, and which the
reader’s reflection will easily suggest. As my story was little else than a recital of
misfortunes, the tear of sympathy ceased not to trickle from her enchanting eyes
during the whole of the narration, which, when I had finished, she recompensed
me for my trouble with the most endearing protestations of eternal love. She
bewailed her restricted condition, as it was the means of retarding my happiness;
told me that Lord Quiverwit, by her brother’s permission, had been to drink tea
with her that very afternoon, and actually proposed marriage; and, seeing me
extremely affected with this piece of information, offered to give me a
convincing proof of her affection, by espousing me in private, and leaving the
rest to fate. I was penetrated with this instance of her regard, but, that I might not
be outdone in generosity, resisted the bewitching temptation in consideration of
her honour and interest; at the same time I presented my ring as a pledge of my
inviolable attachment, and, on my knees, implored Heaven to shower its curses
on my head, if ever my heart should entertain one thought unworthy of the
passion I then avowed. She received my token, gave me in return her picture in
miniature, exquisitely drawn and set in gold; and, in the same posture, called
Heaven to witness and to judge her flame. Our vows being thus reciprocally
breathed, a confidence of hope ensued, and our mutual fondness becoming as
intimate as innocence would allow, I grew insensible of the progress of time, and
it was morning before I could tear myself from this darling of my soul! My good
angel foresaw what would happen, and permitted me to indulge myself on this
occasion, in consideration of the fatal absence I was doomed to suffer.
I went to bed immediately on my return to my lodging, and, having slept
about two hours, was waked by Strap, who in great confusion told me there was
a footman below with a letter, which he would deliver to nobody but myself.
Alarmed at this piece of news, I desired my friend to show him into my
chamber, and received the following letter, which, he said, required an
immediate answer:

“Sir,—
“When any man injures my honour, let the difference of rank
between us be ever so great, I am contented to wave the
privilege of my quality, and to seek reparation from him on
equal terms. The insolence of your reply to me yesterday, in the
Long Room, I might have overlooked, had not your presumptive
emulation in a much more interesting affair, and which I made
this morning, concurred in persuading me to chastise your
audacity with my sword. If you therefore have spirit enough to
support the character you assume, you will not fail to follow the
bearer immediately to a convenient place, where you shall be
met by

“Quiverwit.”

Whether I was enervated by the love and favour of Narcissa, or awed by the
superior station of my antagonist, I know not, but I never had less inclination to
fight than at this time. However, finding there was a necessity for vindicating the
reputation of my mistress, as well as for asserting my own honour, I forthwith
rose, and, dressing in a hurry, put on my sword, bade Strap attend me, and set
out with my conductor, cursing my bad fortune all the way, for having been
observed in my return from my angel; for so I interpreted his lordship’s
discovery. When I came within sight of my rival, his lacquey told me he had
orders to stop; upon which I commanded Strap to halt also, while I walked
forward; resolving, if possible, to come to an explanation with my challenger,
before we should come to battle. Nor was an opportunity wanting; for I no
sooner approached than he asked, with a stern countenance, what business I had
in Mr. Topehall’s garden so early in the morning? “I don’t know, my lord,” said
I, “how to answer a question put to me with such magisterial haughtiness. If
your lordship will please to expostulate calmly, you will have no cause to repent
of your condescension; otherwise I am not to be intimated into any confession.”
“There is no room for denial,” answered he; “I saw you come out with my own
eyes.” “Did any other see me?” said I. “I neither know nor care,” said he; “I
want no other evidence than that of my own senses.” Pleased to hear that the
suspicion was confined to him alone, I endeavoured to appease his jealousy, by
owning an intrigue with the waiting maid: but he had too much discernment to
be so easily imposed upon, and told me there was only one way to convince him
of the truth of what I alleged, which was no other than renouncing all claim to
Narcissa upon oath, and promising, upon honour, never to speak to her for the
future. Exasperated at this proposal, I unsheathed my sword, saying, “Heavens!
what title have you, or any man on earth, to impose such terms on me?” He did
the same, and making towards me with a contracted brow, said I was a villain,
and had dishonoured Narcissa. “He’s a villain,” I replied, in a transport of fury,
“who brands me with that imputation! She is a thousand times more chaste than
the mother that bore you; and I will assert her honour with my heart’s blood!” So
saying, I rushed upon him with more eagerness than address, and, endeavouring
to get within his point, received a wound in my neck, which redoubled my rage.
He excelled me in temper as well as in skill, by which means he parried my
thrusts with great calmness, until I had almost exhausted my spirits; and, when
he perceived me beginning to flag, attacked me fiercely in his turn. Finding
himself, however, better opposed than he expected, he resolved to follow his
lounge, and close with me; accordingly, his sword entered my waistcoat, on the
side of the breast bone, and, running up between my shirt and skin, appeared
over my left shoulder. I imagined that his weapon had perforated my lungs, and
of consequence that the wound was mortal; therefore, determined not to die
unrevenged, I seized his shell, which was close to my breast, before he could
disentangle his point, and, keeping it fast with my left hand, shortened my own
sword with my right, intending to run him through the heart; but he received the
thrust in the left arm, which penetrated up to the shoulder blade. Disappointed at
this expectation, and afraid still that death would frustrate my revenge, I
grappled with him, and, being much the stronger, threw him upon the ground,
where I wrested his sword out of his hand, and, so great was my confusion, that
instead of turning the point upon him, struck out three of his foreteeth with the
hilt. In the meantime, our servants, seeing us fall, ran up to separate and assist
us; but before their approach I was upon my feet, and had discovered that my
supposed mortal wound was only a slight scratch. The knowledge of my own
safety disarmed me of a good deal of my resentment, and I began to inquire with
some concern into the situation of my antagonist, who remained on the ground
bleeding plentifully at his mouth and arm. I helped his footman to raise him, and,
having bound up his wound with my handkerchief, assured it was not dangerous;
I likewise restored his sword, and offered to support him to his house. He
thanked me with an air of sullen dignity: and whispering that I should hear from
him soon, went away, leaning on his servant’s shoulder.
I was surprised at this promise, which I construed into a threat, and resolved,
if ever he should call me out again, to use whatever advantage fortune might
give me over him in another manner. In the meantime I had leisure to take notice
of Strap, who seemed quite stupified with horror: I comforted him with an
assurance, that I had received no damage, and explained the nature of this affair
as we walked homeward. By the time I had got into my apartment, I found the
wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a good deal of clotted blood ran down
upon my shirt; upon which I pulled off my coat and waistcoat, and unbuttoned
my collar, that I might dress it with more ease. My friend no sooner perceived
my shirt quite dyed with blood, than, imagining I had got at least twenty
thousand wounds, he cried, “O Jesus!” and fell flat on the floor. I stopped the
bleeding with a little dry lint, and, applying a plaster over it, cleaned myself
from the gore, shifted, and dressed, while he lay senseless at my feet, so that
when he recovered, and saw me perfectly well, he could scarce believe his own
eyes. Now that the danger was passed, I was very well pleased with what had
happened, hoping that it would soon become known, and consequently dignify
my character not a little in this place. I was also proud of having shown myself,
in some shape, worthy of the love of Narcissa, who, I was persuaded, would not
think the worse of me for what I had done.
 CHAPTER LX

I am visited by Freeman, with whom I appear in Public, and am

caressed—am sent for by Lord Quiverwit, whose Presence I quit
flung—Narcissa is carried off by her Brother—I intend to pursue
him, and am dissuaded by my Friend—engage in Play, and lose
all my Money—set out for London—try my Fortune at the
Gaming Table without success—receive a letter from Narcissa
—bilk my Tailor

While I entertained myself with these reflections, the news of the duel, being
communicated by some unknown channel, spread all over the town. I was
visited by Freeman, who testified his surprise at finding me; for it was told, that
Lord Quiverwit being dead of his wounds, I had absconded, in order to avoid the
cognizance of the law. I asked, if people guessed the occasion of the quarrel;
and, understanding it was attributed to his lordship’s resentment of my reply in
the Long Room, confirmed that conjecture, glad to find Narcissa unsuspected.
My friend, after I had assured him that my antagonist was in no danger, wished
me joy of the event, than which, he said, nothing could happen more
opportunely to support the idea he had given of my character to his friends,
among whom he had been very assiduous in my behalf.
On the strength of this assurance, I went with him to the coffee-house, where I
was saluted by a great many of those very persons who had shunned me the
preceding day; and I found everybody making merry with the story of Melinda’s
French gallant. While I remained in this place, I received a message from Lord
Quiverwit, desiring, if I were not engaged, to see me at his house.
Thither I immediately repaired, and was conducted to an apartment where I
was received by his lordship in bed. When we were left by ourselves, he thanked
me in very polite terms for having used the advantage fortune had given me over
him with such moderation, and asked pardon for any offence his resentment
might have prompted him to commit. “I would willingly,” said he, “make you
my friend; but, as it is impossible for me to divest myself of my passion for
Narcissa, I am too well convinced of your sentiments, to think we shall ever
agree on that subject. I took the liberty, therefore, of sending for you, in order to
own candidly, that I cannot help opposing your success with that young lady;
though, at the same time I promise to regulate my opposition by the dictates of
justice and honour. This, however, I think proper to advertise you of, that she has
no independent fortune; and, if you should even succeed in your addresses, you
will have the mortification to see her reduced to indigence, unless you have
wherewithal to support her—and I am credibly informed of your incapacity that
way—nay, I will confess, that, urged by this consideration, I have actually sent
notice to her brother of the progress I suspect you have made in her affection,
and desired him to take his precautions accordingly.” Alarmed and provoked at
this information, I told his lordship, that I did not see how he could reconcile that
piece of conduct with his profession of open dealing, and flung away from him
in a passion.
As I walked homeward, in hope of hearing from my mistress as usual by
means of Miss Williams, I was surprised with the waving of a handkerchief from
the window of a coach-and-six that passed by me at full speed: and upon further
observation, I saw a servant on horseback riding after it, who, I knew by his
livery, belonged to the squire. Thunderstruck with this discovery, the knowledge
of my misfortune rushed all at once upon my reflection! I guessed immediately
that the signal was made by the dear hand of Narcissa, who, being hurried away
in consequence of Lord Quiverwit’s message to her brother, had no other method
of relating her distress, and imploring my assistance. Frantic with this
conjecture, I ran to my lodgings, snatched my pistols, and ordered Strap to get
post-horses, with such incoherence of speech and disorder, that the poor valet,
terrified with the suspicion of another duel, instead of providing what I desired,
went forthwith to Freeman, who, being informed of my behaviour, came straight
to my apartment, and conjured me so pathetically to make him acquainted with
the cause of my uneasiness, that I could not refuse telling him my happiness was
fled with Narcissa, and that I must retrieve her or perish. He represented the
madness of such an undertaking, and endeavoured to divert me from it with
great strength of friendship and reason. But all his arguments would have been
ineffectual, had he not put me in mind of the dependence I ought to have on the
love of Narcissa, and the attachment of her maid, who could not fail of finding
opportunities to advertise me of their situation; and at the same time
demonstrated the injury my charmer’s reputation must suffer from my
precipitate retreat. I was convinced and composed by these considerations: I
appeared in public with an air of tranquillity, was well received by the best
company in town, and, my misfortune taking air, condoled accordingly: while I
had the satisfaction of seeing Melinda so universally discountenanced that she
was fain to return to London, in order to avoid the scoffs and censure of the
ladies at Bath. But, though the hope of hearing from the darling of my soul
supported my spirits a little while, I began to be very uneasy, when, at the end of
several weeks I found that expectation disappointed. In short, melancholy and
despondence took possession of my soul; and, repining at that providence which,
by acting the stepmother towards me, kept me from the fruition of my wishes, I
determined, in a fit of despair, to risk all I had at the gaming table, with a view of
acquiring a fortune sufficient to render me independent for life; or of plunging
myself into such a state of misery, as would effectually crush every ambitious
hope that now tortured my imagination.
Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged in play, and, after some turns of
fortune found myself, at the end of three days, worth a thousand pounds; but it
was not my intention to stop there, for which cause I kept Strap ignorant of my
success, and continued my career until I was reduced to five guineas, which I
would have hazarded also, had I not been ashamed to fall from a bet of two
hundred pounds to such a petty sum.
Having thus executed my scheme, I went home, amazed to find myself so
much at ease, and informed my friend Strap of my mischance with such
calmness, that he, imagining I joked, affected to receive the tidings with great
equanimity. But both he and I found ourselves mistaken very soon. I had
misinterpreted my own stupidity into deliberate resignation, and he had reason to
believe me in earnest when he saw me next morning agitated with the most
violent despair, which he endeavoured to alleviate with all the consolation in his
power.
In one of my lucid intervals, however, I charged him to take a place in the
stage coach for London; and, in the meantime, paid my debts in Bath, which
amounted to thirty shillings only. Without taking leave of my friends, I
embarked, Strap having the good fortune to find a return horse, and arrived in
town, without having met with anything remarkable on the road. While we
crossed Bagshot Heath, I was seized with a sort of inclination to retrieve my
fortune, by laying passengers under contribution in some such place. My
thoughts were so circumstanced at this time, that I should have digested the
crime of robbery, so righteously had I concerted my plan, and ventured my life
in the execution, had I not been deterred by reflecting upon the infamy that
attends detection.
The apartment I formerly lived in being unengaged, I took possession of it,
and next day went in quest of Banter, who received me with open arms, in
expectation of having his bond discharged to his liking: but when he understood
what had happened, his countenance changed of a sudden, and he told me, with a
dryness of displeasure peculiar to himself, that, if he were in my place, he would
put it out of fortune’s power to play him such another trick, and be avenged of
his own indiscretion at once. When I desired him to explain his meaning, he
pointed to his neck, raised himself on his tiptoes, and was going away without
any further ceremony, when I put him in mind of my indigence, and demanded
the five guineas I had formerly lent him. “Five guineas?” cried he; “zounds! had
you acted with common prudence, you might have had twenty thousand in your
pocket by this time. I depended upon five hundred from you, as much as if I had
had notes for it in the bank; and by all the rules of equity, you are indebted to me
for that sum.” I was neither pleased nor convinced by this computation, and
insisted on my right with such determined obstinacy, that he was fain to alter his
ton, and appease my clamour by assuring me, that he was not master of five
shillings. Society in distress generally promotes good understanding among
people; from being a dun I descended to be a client, and asked his advice about
repairing my losses. He counselled me to have recourse again to the gaming
table, where I succeeded so well before, and put myself in a condition by selling
my watch. I followed his directions, and, having accommodated him with a few
pieces, went to the place, where I lost every shilling.
Then I returned to my lodgings full of desperate resolution, and having made
Strap acquainted with my fate, ordered him to pawn my sword immediately, that
I might be enabled to make another effort. This affectionate creature no sooner
understood my purpose, than, seized with insupportable sorrow at the prospect
of my misery, he burst into tears, and asked what I proposed to do after the small
sum he could raise on the sword should be spent. “On my own account” said he,
“I am quite unconcerned; for, while God spares me health and these ten fingers, I
can earn a comfortable subsistence anywhere; but what must become of you,
who have less humility to stoop, and more appetites to gratify?” Here I
interrupted him, by saying, with a gloomy aspect, I should never want a resource
while I had a loaded pistol in possession. Stupified with horror at this dreadful
insinuation, he stood mute for some time and then broke out into “God of his
infinite mercy enable you to withstand that temptation of the devil! Consider
your immortal soul—there’s no repentance in the grave! O Lord! that we ever
should have come to this! Are we not enjoined to resign ourselves to the will of
Heaven?—where is your patience?—Durum patientia frango—you are but a
young man—there may be many good things in store for you—accidit in puncto
quo non speratur in anno—remember your uncle, Mr. Bowling; perhaps he is
now on his voyage homeward, pleasing himself with the hopes of seeing and
relieving you; nay, peradventure, he has already arrived, for the ship was
expected about this time.” A ray of hope shot athwart my soul at this suggestion;
I thanked my friend for this seasonable recollection, and, after having promised
to take no resolution till his return, dismissed him to Wapping for intelligence.
In his absence I was visited by Banter, who, being informed of my bad luck at
play, told me that fortune would probably be one day weary of persecuting me.
“In the meantime,” said he, “here’s a letter for you, which I received just now
inclosed in one from Freeman.” I snatched it with eagerness, and knowing the
superscription to be of Narcissa’s handwriting, kissed it with transport, and,
having opened it, read:

“It is with great difficulty that I have stolen, from the

observation of those spies who are set over me, this opportunity
of telling you, that I was suddenly carried away from Bath by
my brother, who was informed of our correspondence by Lord
Quiverwit whom, I since understand, you have wounded in a
duel on my account. As I am fully convinced of your honour and
love, I hope I shall never hear of such desperate proofs of either
for the future. I am so strictly watched that it will be impossible
for you to see me, until my brother’s suspicion shall abate, or
Heaven contrive some other unforeseen event in our behalf. In
the meantime, you may depend on the constancy and affection
of

“Your own
“Narcissa.

“P. S. Miss Williams, who is my fellow prisoner, desires to be

remembered to you. We are both in good health, and only in
pain for you, especially as it will be impracticable for you to
convey any message or letter to the place of our confinement;
for which reason pray desist from the attempt, that, by
miscarrying, might prolong our captivity.

“N—.”

This kind letter afforded me great consolation: I communicated it to Banter,

and, at the same time, showed him her picture: he approved of her beauty and
good sense, and could not help owning that my neglect of Miss Snapper was
excusable, when such a fine creature engrossed my attention.
I began to be reconciled to my fate, and imagined, that, if I could contrive
means of subsisting until my uncle should arrive, in case he were not already at
home, he would enable me to do something effectual in behalf of my love and
fortune; I therefore consulted Banter about a present supply, who no sooner
understood that I had credit, with a tailor, than he advised me to take off two or
three suits of rich clothes, and convert them into cash, by selling them at half-
price to a salesman in Monmouth Street. I was startled at this proposal, which I
thought savoured a little of fraud; he rendered it palatable, by observing that, in a
few months, I might be in a condition to do everybody justice; and, in the
meantime, I was acquitted by the honesty of my intention. I suffered myself to
be persuaded by his salvo, by which my necessity, rather than my judgment, was
convinced; and, when I found there were no accounts of the ship in which my
uncle embarked, actually put the scheme in practice, and raised by it five-and-
twenty guineas, paying him for his advice with the old five.
 CHAPTER LXI
I am arrested—carried to the Marshalsea—find my old
Acquaintance beau Jackson in that Jail—he informs me of his
Adventures—Strap arrives, and with difficulty is comforted—
Jackson introduces me to a Poet—I admire his Conversation and
Capacity—am deeply affected with my Misfortune—Strap hires
himself as a Journeyman Barber

But this expedient was in a few weeks followed with a consequence I did not
foresee. A player, having purchased one of the suits that were exposed to sale,
appeared in it on the stage one night, while my tailor unfortunately happened to
be present. He knew it immediately, and, inquiring minutely into the affair,
discovered my whole contrivance: upon which he came into my lodgings, and
telling me that he was very much straightened for want of money, presented his
bill, which amounted to fifty pounds. Surprised at which unexpected address, I
affected to treat him cavalierly, swore some oaths, asked if he doubted my
honour, and telling him I should take care whom I dealt with for the future, bade
him come again in three days. He obeyed me punctually, demanded his money,
and finding himself amused with bare promises, arrested me that very day in the
street. I was not much shocked at this adventure, which, indeed, put an end to a
state of horrible expectation: but I refused to go to a sponging-house, where I
heard there was nothing but the most flagrant imposition: and, a coach being
called, was carried to the Marshalsea, attended by a bailiff and his follower, who
were very much disappointed and chagrined at my resolution.
The turnkey, guessing from my appearance that I had money in my pocket,
received me with the repetition of the Latin word depone, and gave me to
understand, that I must pay beforehand for the apartment I should choose to
dwell in. I desired to see his conveniences, and hired a small paltry bed-chamber
for a crown a week, which, in any other place, would not have let for half the
money. Having taken possession of this dismal habitation, I sent for Strap, and
my thoughts were busied in collecting matter of consolation to that faithful
squire, when somebody knocked at my door, which I no sooner opened, than a
young fellow entered in very shabby clothes and marvellous foul linen. After a
low bow, he called me by name, and asked if I had forgotten him. His voice
assisted me in recollecting his person, whom I soon recognised to be my old
acquaintance, Jackson, of whom mention is made in the first part of my
memoirs. I saluted him cordially, expressed my satisfaction at finding him alive,
and condoled him on his present situation, which, however, did not seem to
affect him much, for he laughed very heartily at the occasion of our meeting so
unexpectedly in this place. Our mutual compliments being past, I inquired about
his amour with the lady of fortune, which seemed to be so near a happy
conclusion when I had the pleasure of seeing him last: and, after an immoderate
fit of laughter, he gave me to understand that he had been egregiously bit in that
affair. “You must know,” said he, “that a few days after our adventure with the
bawd, and her b—ches, I found means to be married to that same blue lady you
speak of, and passed the night with her at her lodgings, so much to her
satisfaction, that early in the morning, after a good deal of snivelling and
sobbing, she owned, that, far from being an heiress of great fortune, she was no
other than a common woman of the town, who had decoyed me into matrimony,
in order to enjoy the privilege of a femme couverte; and that, unless I made my
escape immediately, I should be arrested for a debt of her contracting, by bailiffs
employed and instructed for that purpose. Startled at this intimation, I rose in a
twinkling, and taking leave of my spouse with several hearty damns, got safe
into the verge of the court, where I kept snug, until I was appointed surgeon’s
mate of a man-of-war at Portsmouth; for which place I set out on Sunday, went
on board of my ship, in which I sailed to the Straits, where I had the good
fortune to be made surgeon of a sloop that came home a few months after, and
was put out of commission: whereupon, I came to London, imagining myself
forgotten, and freed from my wife and her creditors, but had not been in town a
week, before I was arrested for a debt of hers, amounting to twenty pounds, and
brought to this place, where I have been fixed by another action since that time.
However, you know my disposition, I defy care and anxiety; and being on the
half-pay list, make shift to live here tolerably easy.” I congratulated him on his
philosophy, and, remembering that I was in his debt, repaid the money he
formerly lent me, which, I believe, was far from being unseasonable. I then
inquired about the economy of the place, which he explained to my satisfaction;
and, after we had agreed to mess together, he was just now going to give orders
for dinner when Strap arrived.
I never in my life saw sorrow so extravagantly expressed in any countenance
as in that of my honest friend, which was, indeed, particularly adapted by nature
for such impressions. When we were left by ourselves, I communicated to him
my disaster, and endeavoured to console him with the same arguments he had
formerly used to me, withal representing the fair chance I had of being relieved
in a short time by Mr. Bowling. But his grief was unutterable: he seemed to give
attention without listening, and wrung his hands in silence; so that I was in a fair
way of being infected by his behaviour, when Jackson returned, and, perceiving
the deference I paid to Strap, although in a footman’s habit, distributed his
crumbs of comfort with such mirth, jollity and unconcern, that the features of the
distressed squire relaxed by degrees; he recovered the use of speech, and began
to be a little more reconciled to this lamentable event. We dined together on
boiled beef and greens, brought from a cook’s shop in the neighbourhood, and,
although this meal was served up in a manner little corresponding with the
sphere of life in which I had lately lived, I made a virtue of necessity, ate with
good appetite, and treated my friends with a bottle of wine, which had the
desired effect of increasing the good humour of my fellow prisoner, and
exhilarating the spirits of Strap, who now talked cavalierly of my misfortune.
After dinner Jackson left us to our private affairs; when I desired my friend to
pack up all our things, and carry them to some cheap lodgings he should choose
for himself in the neighbourhood of the Marshalsea, after he had discharged my
lodgings, for which purpose I gave him money. I likewise recommended to him
the keeping my misfortune secret, and saying to my landlord, or any other who
should inquire for me, that I was gone into the country for a few weeks: at the
same time I laid strong injunctions upon him to call every second day upon
Banter, in case he should receive any letter for me from Narcissa, by the channel
of Freeman; and by all means to leave a direction for himself at my uncle’s
lodgings in Wapping, by which I might be found when my kinsman should
arrive.
When he departed to execute these orders (which by the bye were punctually
performed that very night), I found myself so little seasoned to my situation, that
I dreaded reflection, and sought shelter from it in the company of the beau, who,
promising to regale me with a lecture upon taste, conducted me to the common
side, where I saw a number of naked miserable wretches assembled together. We
had not been here many minutes, when a figure appeared, wrapped in a dirty rug,
tied about his loins with two pieces of list, of different colours, knotted together;
having a black bushy beard, and his head covered with a huge mass of brown
periwig, which seems to have been ravished from the crown of some scarecrow.
This apparition, stalking in with great solemnity, made a profound bow to the
audience, who signified their approbation by a general response of “How d’ye
do, doctor!” He then turned towards us, and honoured Jackson with a particular
salutation, upon which my friend, in a formal manner, introduced him to me by
the name of Mr. Melopoyn. This ceremony being over, he advanced into the
middle of the congregation, which crowded around him, and hemming three
times, to my utter astonishment, pronounced with great significance of voice and
gesture, a very elegant and ingenious discourse upon the difference between
genius and taste, illustrating his assertions with apt quotations from the best
authors, ancient as well as modern. When he had finished his harangue, which
lasted a full hour, he bowed again to the spectators; not one of whom (I was
informed) understood so much as a sentence of what he had uttered. They
manifested, however, their admiration and esteem by voluntary contributions,
which Jackson told me, one week with another, amounted to eighteen pence.
This moderate stipend, together with some small presents that he received for
making up differences and deciding causes amongst the prisoners, just enabled
him to breathe and walk about in the grotesque figure I have described. I
understood also, that he was an excellent poet, and had composed a tragedy,
which was allowed by everybody who had seen it to be a performance of great
merit: that his learning was infinite, his morals unexceptionable, and his modesty
invincible. Such a character could not fail of attracting my regard; I longed
impatiently to be acquainted with him, and desired Jackson would engage him to
spend the evening in my apartment. My request was granted; he favoured us
with his company, and, in the course of our conversation perceiving that I had a
strong passion for the Belles Lettres, acquitted himself so well on that subject,
that I expressed a fervent desire of seeing his productions. In this point too he
gratified my inclination; he promised to bring his tragedy to my room next day,
and in the meantime, entertained me with some detached pieces, which gave me
a very advantageous idea of his poetical talent. Among other things I was
particularly pleased with some elegies, in imitation of Tibullus; one of which I
beg leave to submit to the reader as a specimen of his complexion and capacity:
—
Where now are all my flattering dreams of joy?
Monimia, give my soul her wonted rest;—
Since first thy beauty fixed my roving eye,
heart-gnawing cares corrode my pensive breast!

Let happy lovers fly where pleasures call,

With festive songs beguile the fleeting hour,
Lead beauty through the mazes of the ball,
Or press her wanton in love’s roseate bower:

For me, no more I’ll range the empurpled mead,

Where shepherd’s pipe and virgins dance around,
Nor wander through the woodbine’s fragrant shade,
To hear the music of the grove resound.

I’ll seek some lonely church, or dreary hall,

Where fancy paints the glimmering taper blue,
Where damps hang mouldering on the ivy’d wall,
And sheeted ghosts drink up the midnight dew,

There, leagued with hopeless anguish and despair,

A while in silence o’er my fate repair:
Then, with a long farewell to love and care,
To kindred dust my weary limbs consign.

Wilt thou, Monimia, shed a gracious tear

On the cold grave where all my sorrows rest?
Strew vernal flowers, applaud my love sincere,
And bid the turf lie easy on my breast?

I was wonderfully affected with this pathetic complaint, which seemed so well
calculated for my own disappointment in love, that I could not help attaching the
idea of Narcissa to the name of Monimia, and of forming such melancholy
presages of my passion, that I could not recover my tranquillity: and was fain to
have recourse to the bottle, which prepared me for a profound sleep that I could
not otherwise have enjoyed. Whether these impressions invited and introduced a
train of other melancholy reflections, or my fortitude was all exhausted in the
effort I made against despondence, during the first day of my imprisonment, I
cannot determine; but I awoke in the horrors, and found my imagination haunted
with such dismal apparitions, that I was ready to despair: and I believe the reader
will own, I had no great cause to congratulate myself, when I considered my
situation. I was interrupted in the midst of these gloomy apprehensions by the
arrival of Strap, who contributed not a little to the re-establishment of my peace,
by letting me know that he had hired himself as a journeyman barber; by which
means he would be able not only to save me a considerable expense, but even
make shift to lay up something for my subsistence, after my money should be
spent, in case I should not be relieved before.
 CHAPTER LXII

I read Melopoyn’s Tragedy, and conceive a vast Opinion of his

Genius—he recounts his Adventures

While we ate our breakfast together, I made him acquainted with the character
and condition of the poet, who came in with his play at that instant, and,
imagining we were engaged about business, could not be prevailed upon to sit;
but, leaving his performance, went away. My friend’s tender heart was melted at
the sight of a gentleman and Christian (for he had a great veneration for both
these epithets) in such misery; and assented with great cheerfulness to a proposal
I made of clothing him with the our superfluities; a task with which he charged
himself, and departed immediately to perform it.
He was no sooner gone than I locked my door, and sat down to the tragedy;
which I read to the end with vast pleasure, not a little amazed at conduct of the
managers who had rejected it. The fable, in my opinion, was well chosen and
naturally conducted, the incidents interesting, the characters beautifully
contrasted, strongly marked, and well supported; the diction poetical, spirited
and correct; the unities of the drama maintained with the most scrupulous
exactness; the opening gradual and engaging, the peripeteia surprising, and the
catastrophe affecting. In short, I judged it by the laws of Aristotle and Horace,
and could find nothing in it exceptionable but a little too much embellishment in
some few places, which objection he removed to my satisfaction, by a quotation
of Aristotle’s Poetics, importing, that the least interesting parts of a poem ought
to be raised and dignified by the charms and energy of diction.
I revered his genius, and was seized with an eager curiosity to know the
particular events of a fortune so unworthy of his merit. At that instant Strap
returned with a bundle of clothes, which I sent with my compliments to Mr.
Melopoyn, as a small token of my regard, and desired the favour of his company
to dinner. He accepted my present and invitation, and in less than half-an-hour
made his appearance in a decent dress, which altered his figure very much to his
advantage. I perceived by his countenance that his heart was big with gratitude,
and endeavoured to prevent his acknowledgments, by asking pardon for the
liberty I had taken; he made no reply, but, with an aspect full of admiration and
esteem, bowed to the ground, while the tears gushed from his eyes. Affected
with these symptoms of an ingenuous mind, I shifted the conversation, and
complimented him on his performance, which I assured him afforded me infinite
pleasure. My approbation made him happy. Dinner being served, and Jackson
arrived, I begged their permission for Strap to sit at table with us, after having
informed them that he was a person to whom I was extremely obliged; they were
kind enough to grant that favour, and we ate together with great harmony and
satisfaction.
Our meal being ended, I expressed my wonder at the little regard Mr.
Melopoyn had met with from the world: and signified a desire of hearing how he
had been treated by the managers of the playhouses, to whom I understood from
Jackson, he had offered his tragedy without success. “There is so little
entertaining in the incidents of my life,” said he, “that I am sure the recital will
not recompense your attention; but, since you discover an inclination to know
them I understand my duty too well to disappoint your desire.
“My father, who was a curate in the country, being by the narrowness of his
circumstances hindered from maintaining me at the university, took the charge of
my education upon himself, and laboured with such industry and concern in the
undertaking, that I had little cause to regret the want of public masters. Being at
great pains to consult my natural bias, He discovered in me betimes an
inclination for poetry; upon which he recommended to me an intimate
acquaintance with the classics, in the cultivation of which he assisted me with a
paternal zeal and uncommon erudition. When he thought me sufficiently
acquainted with the ancients, he directed my studies to the best modern authors,
French and Italian as well as English, and laid a particular injunction upon me
make myself master of my mother tongue.
“About the age of eighteen, I grew ambitious of undertaking a work of some
consequence; and, with my father’s approbation, actually planned the tragedy
you have read; but, before I had finished four acts, that indulgent parent died,
and left my mother and me in very indigent circumstances. A near relation,
compassionating our distress, took us into his family, where I brought my fable
to a conclusion; and, soon after that period my mother quitted this life. When my
sorrow for this melancholy event had subsided, I told my kinsman, who was a
farmer, that, having paid my last duty to my parent, I had now no attachment to
detain me in the country, and therefore was resolved to set out for London, and
offer my play to the stage, where I did not doubt of acquiring a large share of
fame as well as fortune; in which case I should not be unmindful of my friends
and benefactors. My cousin was ravished with the prospect of my felicity, and
willingly contributed towards the expense of fitting me out for my expedition.
“Accordingly I took a place in the waggon, and arrived in town, where I hired
an apartment in a garret, willing to live as frugally as possible, until I should
know what I had to expect from the manager, to whom I intended to offer my
play. For, though I looked upon myself as perfectly secure of a good reception,
imagining that a patentee would be as eager to receive as I to present my
production, I did not know whether or not he might be pre-engaged in favour of
another author, a circumstance that would certainly retard my success. On this
consideration, too, I determined to be speedy in my application, and even to wait
upon one of the managers the very next day. For this purpose, I inquired my
landlord if he knew where either or both of them lived: and he, being curious to
know my business, and at the same time appearing to be a very honest friendly
man (a tallow chandler), I made him acquainted with my design, upon which he
told me that I went the wrong way to work; that I would not find such easy
access to a manager as I imagined; and that if I delivered my performance
without proper recommendation, it would be as one to a thousand if ever it
would be minded. “Take my advice,” said he, “and your business is done. One of
the patentees is a good catholic, as I am, and uses the same father who confesses
me. I will make you acquainted with this good priest, who is an excellent
scholar, and if he should approve of your play, his recommendation will go a
great way in determining Mr. Supple to bring it on the stage.” I applauded his
expedient, and was introduced to the friar, who, having perused the tragedy, was
pleased to signify his approbation, and commended me in particular for having
avoided all reflections upon religion. He promised to use all his influence with
his son Supple in my behalf, and to inform himself that very day at what time it
was proper for me to wait upon him with the piece. He was punctual in
performing his engagement, and next morning gave me to understand that he had
mentioned my affair to the manager, and that I had nothing more to do than to go
to his house any time in the forenoon, and make use of his name, upon which I
should find immediate admittance. I took his advice, put my performance in my
bosom, and, having received directions, went immediately to the house of Mr.
Supple, and knocked at the door, which had a wicket in the middle, faced with a
net-work of iron. Through this a servant having viewed me for some time,
demanded to know my business. I told him my business was with Mr. Supple,
and that I came from Mr. O’Varnish. He examined my appearance once more,
then went away, returned in a few minutes, and said his master was busy, and
could not be seen. Although I was a little mortified at my disappointment, I was
persuaded that my reception was owing to Mr. Supple’s ignorance of my errand:
and, that I might meet with no more obstructions of the same kind, I desired Mr.
O’Varnish to be my introductor the next time. He complied with my request, and
obtained immediate admittance to the manager, who received me with the
utmost civility, and promised to read my play with the first convenience. By his
own appointment I called again in a fortnight, but he was gone out: I returned in
a week after, and the poor gentleman was extremely ill: I renewed my visit in a
fortnight after that, and he assured me he had been so much fatigued with
business, that he had not been able as yet to read it to an end, but he would take
the first opportunity: and, in the meantime, observed that what he had yet seen of
it was very entertaining. I comforted myself with this declaration a few weeks
longer, at the end of which I appeared again before his wicket, was let in, and
found him laid up with the gout. I no sooner entered his chamber than, looking at
me with a languishing eye, he said, “Mr. Melopoyn, I’m heartily sorry for an
accident that has happened during my illness. You must know that my eldest
boy, finding your manuscript upon the table in the dining-room, where I used to
read it, carried it into the kitchen, and leaving it there, a negligent wench of a
cook-maid, mistaking it for waste paper, has expended it but a few leaves in
singing fowls upon the spit. But I hope the misfortune is not irreparable, since,
no doubt, you have several copies.”
“I protest to you, my good friend, Mr. Random, I was extremely shocked at
this information; but the good-natured gentleman seemed to be so much affected
with my misfortune, that I suppressed my concern, and told him that, although I
had not another copy, I should be able to retrieve the loss by writing another
from my memory, which was very tenacious. You cannot imagine how well
pleased Mr. Supple was at this assurance; he begged I would set about it
immediately, and carefully revolve and recollect every circumstance before I
pretended to commit it to paper, that it might be the same individual play that he
had perused. Encouraged by this injunction, which plainly demonstrated how
much he interested himself in the affair, I tasked my remembrance and industry,
and in three weeks produced the exact image of the former, which was conveyed
to him by my good friend Father O’Varnish, who told me next day, that Mr.
Supple would revise it superficially, in order to judge of its sameness with the
other, and then give his final answer. For this examination I allotted a week: and,
in full confidence of seeing it acted in a little while, demanded an audience of
the manager, when that term was expired. But, alas! the season had slipped away
insensibly. He convinced me, that if my play had been put into rehearsal at the
time, it could not have been ready for performing until the end of March, when
the benefit nights came on; consequently, it would have interfered with the
interest of the players, whom it was not my business to disoblige.
“I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, which, to be sure, were extremely
just; and to reserve my performance for the next season, when he hoped I would
not be so unlucky. Although it was a grievous disappointment to me, who, by
this time, began to want both money and necessaries; having on the strength of
my expectation from the theatre, launched out into some extravagances, by
which the sum I brought to town was already almost consumed. Indeed, I ought
to be ashamed at this circumstance of my conduct; for my finances were
sufficient, with good economy, to have maintained me comfortably a whole year.
You will perhaps be amazed when I tell you that, in six months, I expended not a
farthing less than ten guineas: but, when one considers the temptations to which
a young man is exposed in this great city, especially if he be addicted to
pleasure, as I am, the wonder will vanish, or at least abate. Nor was the cause of
my concern limited to my own situation entirely: I had written an account of my
good reception to my kinsman the farmer, and desired him to depend upon me
for the money he had kindly accommodated me with about the end of February,
which promise I now found myself unable to perform. However, there was no
remedy but patience: I applied to my landlord, who was a very good-natured
man, candidly owned my distress, and begged his advice in laying down some
plan for my subsistence; he readily promised to consult his confessor on this
subject, and, in the meantime, told me, I was welcome to lodge and board with
him until fortune should put it in my power to make restitution.
“Mr. O’Varnish, being informed of my necessity, offered to introduce me to
the author of a weekly paper, who, he did not doubt, would employ me in that
way, provided he should find me duly qualified; but, upon inquiry, I understood
that this journal was calculated to foment divisions in the commonwealth, and
therefore I desired to be excused from engaging in it. He then proposed that I
should write something in the poetical way, which I might dispose of to a
bookseller for a pretty sum of ready money, and, perhaps, establish my own
character into the bargain. This event would infallibly procure friends, and my
tragedy would appear next season to the best advantage, by being supported both
by interest and reputation. I was charmed with this prospect, and having heard
what friends Mr. Pope acquired by his pastorals, set about a work of that kind,
and in less than six weeks composed as many eclogues, which I forthwith
offered to an eminent bookseller, who desired me to leave them for his perusal,
and he would give an answer in two days. At the end of that time, I went to him,
when he returned the poems, telling me, they would not answer his purpose, and
sweetened his refusal by saying there were some good clever lines in them. Not
a little dejected at this rebuff, which, I learned from Mr. O’Varnish, was owing to
the opinion of another author whom this bookseller always consulted on these
occasions, I applied to another person of the same profession, who told me the
town was cloyed with pastorals, and advised me, if I intended to profit by my
talents, to write something satirical or luscious, such as the Button Hole,
Shockey and Towner, The Leaky Vessel, etc, and yet this was a man in years,
who wore a reverend periwig, looked like a senator, and went regularly to
church. Be that as it will, I scorned to prostitute my pen in the manner proposed,
and carried my papers to a third, who assured me that poetry was entirely out of
his way; and asked me if I had got never a piece of secret history, thrown into a
series of letters, or a volume of adventures, such as those of Robinson Crusoe,
and Colonel Jack, or a collection of Conundrums, wherewith to entertain the
plantations. Being quite unfurnished for this dealer, I had recourse to another
with as little success; and I verily believe, was rejected by the whole trade.
“I was afterwards persuaded to offer myself as a translator, and accordingly
repaired to a person who was said to entertain numbers of that class in his pay;
he assured me, he had already a great deal of that work on his hands, which he
did not know what to do with; observed that translations were a mere drug, that
branch of literature being overstocked with an inundation of authors from North
Britain; and asked what I would expect per sheet for rendering the Latin classics
into English. That I might not make myself too cheap, I determined to set a high
price upon my qualifications, and demanded half-a-guinea for every translated
sheet. “Half-a-guinea!” cried he, staring at me; then paused a little, and said, he
had no occasion for my service at present. I found my error, and, resolving to
make amends, fell one-half in my demand; upon which he stared at me and told
me his hands were full. I attempted others without finding employment, and was
actually reduced to a very uncomfortable prospect, when I bethought myself of
offering my talents to the printers of half-penny ballads and other such
occasional essays, as are hawked about the streets. With this in view I applied to
one of the most noted and vociferous of this tribe, who directed me to a person
whom I found entertaining a whole crowd of them with gin, bread, and cheese;
he carried me into a little back parlour, very neatly furnished, where I signified
my desire of being enrolled among his writers; and was asked what kind of
composition I professed. Understanding that my inclination leaned towards
poetry, he expressed his satisfaction, telling me one of his poets had lost his
senses, and was confined in Bedlam, and the other was become dozed with
drinking drams; so that he had not done anything tolerable these many weeks.
When I proposed that we should enter into terms of agreement, he gave me to
understand that his bargains were always conditional, and his authors paid in
proportion to the sale of their works.
“Having therefore settled these conditions, which (I do assure you) were not
very advantageous to me, he assigned me a subject for a ballad, which was to be
finished in two hours; and I retired to my garret in order to perform his
injunction. As the theme happened to suit my fancy, I completed a pretty sort of
an ode within the time prescribed, and brought it to him, big with hope of profit
and applause. He read it in a twinkling, and, to my utter astonishment, told me it
would not do; though indeed he owned I wrote a good hand, and spelled very
well, but my language was too high flown, and of consequence not at all adapted
to the capacity and taste of his customers. I promised to rectify that mistake and
in half an hour humbled my style to the comprehension of vulgar readers; he
approved of the alteration, and gave me some hopes of succeeding in time,
though he observed that my performance was very deficient in the quaintness of
expression that pleases the multitude: however, to encourage me, he ventured the
expense of printing and paper, and, if I remember aright, my share of the sale
amounted to fourpence halfpenny.
“From that day I studied the Grub Street manner with great diligence, and at
length became such a proficient that my works were in great request among the
most polite of the chairmen, draymen, hackney-coachmen, footmen, and servant
maids: nay, I have enjoyed the pleasure of seeing my productions adorned with
cuts, pasted upon the walls as ornaments in beer cellars and cobblers’ stalls; and
have actually heard them sung in clubs of substantial tradesmen—but empty
praise (you know, my dear friend) will not supply the cravings of nature. I found
myself in danger of starving in the midst of all my fame; for of ten songs I
composed, it was well if two had the good fortune to please. For this reason I
turned my thoughts to prose, and, during a tract of gloomy weather, published an
apparition, on the substance of which I subsisted very comfortably a whole
month; I have made many a good meal upon a monster; a rape has often afforded
me great satisfaction; but a murder, well timed, was my never-failing resource.
What then? I was almost a slave to my employers, who expected to be furnished
at a minute’s warning with prose and verse, just as they thought the
circumstances of the times required, whether the inclination was absent or
present. Upon my sincerity, Mr. Random, I have been so much pestered and
besieged by those children of clamour, that life became a burden to me.”
 CHAPTER LXIII

The Continuation and Conclusion of Mr. Melopoyn’s Story

‘I made shift, notwithstanding, to maintain myself till the beginning of next

winter, when I renewed my addresses to my friend Mr. Supple, and was most
graciously received. “I have been thinking of your affair, Mr. Melopoyn,” said
he, “and am determined to show how far I have your interest at heart, by
introducing you to a young nobleman of my acquaintance, who is remarkable for
his fine taste in dramatic writings, and is besides a man of such influence that, if
once he should approve of your play, his patronage will support it against all the
efforts of envy and ignorance; for, I do assure you, that merit alone will not bring
success. I have already spoken of your performance to Lord Rattle, and if you
will call at my house in a day or two, you shall have a letter of introduction to
his lordship.” I was sensibly touched with this mark of Mr. Supple’s friendship;
and looking upon my affair as already done, went home and imparted my good
fortune to my landlord, who, to render my appearance more acceptable to my
patron, procured a suit of new clothes for me on his own credit.
“Not to trouble you with idle particulars, I carried my tragedy to his lordship’s
lodgings, and sent it up along with Mr. Supple’s letter by one of his servants,
who desired me, by his lord’s order, to return in a week. I did so, and was
admitted to his lordship, who received me very courteously, told me he had
perused my play, which he thought, on the whole, was the best coup d’essai he
had ever seen; but that he had marked some places in the margin, which he
imagined might be altered for the better. I was transported with this reception,
and promised (with many acknowledgments of his lordship’s generosity) to be
governed solely by his advice and direction.”
“Well, then,” said he, “write another fair copy with the alterations I have
proposed, and bring it to me as soon as possible; for I am resolved to have it
brought on the stage this winter.” You may be sure I set about this task with
alacrity; and although I found his lordship’s remarks much more numerous and
of less importance than I expected, I thought it was not my interest to dispute
upon trifles with my patron; therefore new modelled it according to his desire in
less than a month.
“When I waited upon him with the manuscript, I found one of the actors at
breakfast with his lordship, who immediately introduced him to my
acquaintance, and desired him to read a scene of my play. This task he
performed very much to my satisfaction, with regard to emphasis and
pronunciation; but he signified his disgust at several words in every page, which
I presuming to defend, Lord Rattle told me, with a peremptory look, I must not
pretend to dispute with him, who had been a player these twenty years, and
understood the economy of the stage better than any man living. I was forced to
submit; and his lordship proposed the same actor should read the whole play in
the evening, before some gentlemen of his acquaintance, whom he would
convene to his lodgings for that purpose.
“I was present at the reading; and I protest to you, my dear friend, I never
underwent such a severe trial in the whole course of my life at that juncture; for
although the player might be a very honest man and a good performer, he was
excessively illiterate and assuming, and made a thousand frivolous objections,
which I was not permitted to answer. However, the piece was very much
applauded on the whole; the gentlemen present, who, I understood, were men of
fortune, promised to countenance and support it as much as they could; and Lord
Rattle, assuring me that he would act the part of a careful nurse to it, desired me
to carry it home, and alter it immediately according to their remarks. I was fain
to acquiesce in his determination, and fulfilled his injunctions with all the
expedition in my power; but, before I could present the new copy, my good
friend Mr. Supple had disposed of his property and patent to one Mr. Brayer; so
that fresh interest was to be made with the new manager. This task Lord Rattle
undertook, having some acquaintance with him, and recommended my
performance so strongly that it was received.
“I looked upon myself now as upon the eve of reaping the fruits of all my
labour. I waited a few days in expectation of its being put in rehearsal, and
wondering at the delay, applied to my worthy patron, who excused Mr. Brayer
on account of the multiplicity of business in which he was involved, and bade
me beware of teasing the patentee. I treasured up this caution, and exerted my
particular three weeks longer; at the end of which his lordship gave me to
understand that Mr. Brayer had read my play, and owned it had indubitable
merit; but, as he had long been pre-engaged to another author, he could not
possibly represent it that season; though, if I would reserve it for the next, and in
the interim make such alterations as he had proposed by observations on the
margin, I might depend upon his compliance.
“Thunderstruck at this disappointment, I could not, for some minutes, utter
one syllable. At length, however, I complained bitterly of the manager’s
insincerity in amusing me so long, when he knew from the beginning that he
could not gratify my desire. But his lordship reprimanded me for my freedom,
said Mr. Brayer was a man of honour, and imputed his behaviour with respect to
me nothing else but forgetfulness. And indeed I have had some reason, since that
time, to be convinced of his bad memory; for, in spite of appearances, I will not
allow myself to interpret his conduct in any other way. Lord Rattle observing me
very much affected with my disappointment, offered his interest to bring on my
play at the other house, which I eagerly accepting, he forthwith wrote a letter of
recommendation to Mr. Bellower, actor and prime minister to Mr. Vandal,
proprietor of that theatre, and desired me to deliver it with my tragedy, without
loss of time. Accordingly, I hastened to his house, where after having waited a
whole hour in the lobby, I was admitted to his presence, and my performance
received with great state. He told me he was extremely busy at present, but he
would peruse it as soon as possible, and bade me to call again in a week. I took
my leave, not a little astonished at the pert and supercilious behaviour of this
stage player, who had not treated me with good manners; and began to think the
dignity of a poet greatly impaired since the days of Euripides and Sophocles; but
all this was nothing in comparison of what I have since observed.
“Well, Mr. Random, I went back at the appointed time, and was told that Mr.
Bellower was engaged, and could not see me, I repeated my visit a few days
after, and having waited a considerable time was favoured with an audience,
during which, he said, he had not as yet read my play. Nettled at this usage, I
could contain myself no longer, but, telling him, I imagined he would have paid
more deference to Lord Rattle’s recommendation, demanded my manuscript
with some expression of resentment. “Ay,” said he in a theatrical tone, “with all
my heart.” Then pulling out the drawer of the bureau at which he sat, he took out
a bundle, and threw it upon a table that was near him, pronouncing the word,
“There!” with great disdain. I took it up, and perceiving with some surprise, that
it was a comedy, told him it did not belong to me; upon which he offered another
which I also disclaimed. A third was produced, and rejected for the same reason.
At length he pulled out a whole bundle, and spread them before me, saying,
“There are seven—take which you please—or take them all.” I singled out my
own, and went away, struck dumb with admiration at what I had seen—not so
much on account of his insolence, as of the number of new plays which from
this circumstance I concluded were yearly offered to the stage. You may be sure,
I did not fail to carry my complaint to my patron, who did not receive it with all
the indignation I expected; but taxed me with precipitation, and told me I must
lay my account with bearing with the humours of the players, if I intended to
write for the stage. “There is now no other remedy,” he said, “but to keep it till
the next season for Mr. Brayer, and alter it at your leisure, in the summer,
according to his directions.” I was now reduced to a terrible alternative, either to
quit all hopes of my tragedy, from which I had all along promised myself a large
share of fortune and reputation, or to encounter eight long months of adversity in
preparing for and expecting its appearance. This last penance, painful as it was,
seemed most eligible to my reflection at that time, and therefore I resolved to
undergo it.
“Why should I tire you with particulars of my consequence? I wrestled with
extreme poverty until the time of my probation was expired; and went to my
Lord Rattle in order to remind him of my affair, when I understood, to my great
concern, that his lordship was just on the point of going abroad, and which was
still more unfortunate for me, Mr. Brayer had gone into the country; so that my
generous patron had it not in his power to introduce me personally, as he
intended: however, he wrote a very strong letter to the manager in my favour,
and put him in mind of the promise he had made in behalf of my play.
“As soon as I was certified of Brayer’s return, I went to his house with this
letter, but was told he was gone out. I called again next day early in the morning,
received the same answer, and was desired to leave my name and business: I did
so, and returned the day after, when the servant still affirmed that his master was
gone abroad; though I perceived him, as I retired, observing me through a
window. Incensed at this discovery, I went to a coffee-house hard by, and,
inclosing his lordship’s letter in one from myself, demanded a categorical
answer. I sent it to his house by a porter, who returned in a few minutes, and told
me Mr. Brayer would be glad to see me at that instant. I obeyed the summons,
and was received with such profusion of compliments and apologies, that my
resentment immediately subsided, and I was even in pain for the concern which
this holiest man showed at the mistake of his servant, who, it seems, had been
ordered to deny him to everybody but me. He expressed the utmost veneration
for his good and noble friend, Lord Rattle, whom he should always be proud to
serve; promised to peruse the play with all dispatch, and give me a meeting upon
it: and, as a testimony of his esteem, made me a present of a general order for the
season, by which I should be admitted to any part of the theatre. This was a very
agreeable compliment to me, whose greatest pleasure consisted in seeing
dramatic performances, and you need not doubt that I often availed myself of my
privilege. As I had an opportunity of being behind the scenes when I pleased, I
frequently conversed with Mr. Brayer about my play, and asked when he meant
to put it into rehearsal; but he had always so much business upon his hands, that
it remained with him unopened a considerable while; and I became very uneasy
about the season, that wasted apace, when I saw in the papers another new play
advertised, which had been written, offered, accepted, and rehearsed, in the
compass of three months. You may easily guess how much I was confounded at
this event! I own to you that, in the first transports of my anger, I suspected Mr.
Brayer of having acted towards me in the most pitiful perfidious manner; and
was actually glad at his disappointment in the success of his favourite piece,
which, by the strength of art, lingered till the third night, and then died in a
deplorable manner. But now that passion has no share in my reflection, I am
willing to ascribe his behaviour to his want of memory or want of judgment,
which, you know, are natural defects, that are more worthy of compassion than
reproach.
“About this time I happened to be in company with a gentlewoman, who,
having heard of my tragedy, told me, she was well acquainted with the wife of a
gentleman who was very well known to a lady, who had great interest with a
person who was intimate with Earl Sheerwit: and that, if I pleased, she would
use her influence in my behalf. As this nobleman had the character of a
Maecenas in the nation, and could stamp a value upon any work by his sole
countenance and approbation, I accepted her offer with eagerness, in full
confidence of seeing my reputation established, and my wishes fulfilled in a very
short time, provided that I should have the good fortune to please his lordship’s
taste. I withdrew the manuscript from the hands of Mr. Brayer, and committed it
to the care of this gentlewoman, who laboured so effectually in my interest, that
in less than a month it was conveyed to the earl, and in a few weeks after, I had
the satisfaction to hear that he had read and approved it very much. Transported
with this piece of intelligence, I flattered myself with the hopes of his interesting
himself in its favour, but, hearing no more of this matter in three whole months, I
began (God forgive me!) to suspect the veracity of the person who brought me
the good tidings; for I thought it impossible that a man of his rank and character,
who knew the difficulty of writing a good tragedy, and understood the dignity of
the work, should read and applaud an essay of this kind, without feeling an
inclination to befriend the author, whom his countenance alone could raise above
dependence. But it was not long before I found my friend very much wronged by
my opinion.
“You must know, that the civilities I had received from Lord Rattle, and the
desire he manifested to promote the success of my play, encouraged me to write
an account of my bad fortune to his lordship, who condescended so far as to
desire, by letter, a young squire of a great estate, with whom he was intimate, to
espouse my cause, and, in particular, make me acquainted with one Mr.
Marmozet, a celebrated player, who had lately appeared on the stage with
astonishing eclat, and bore such sway in the house where he acted, that the
managers durst not refuse anything he recommended. The young gentleman,
whom Lord Rattle had employed for this purpose, being diffident of his own
interest with Mr. Marmozet, had recourse to a nobleman of his acquaintance,
who, at his solicitation, was so good as to introduce me to him; and the
conversation turning upon my performance, I was not a little surprised, as well
as pleased, to hear that Earl Sheerwit had spoken very much in its praise, and
even sent Mr. Marmozet the copy, with a message, expressing a desire that he
would act in it next season. Nor was this favourite actor backward in
commending the piece, which he mentioned with such expressions of regard,
that I do not choose to repeat: assuring me that he would appear in it, provided
he should be engaged to play at all during the ensuing season. In the meantime,
he desired I would give him leave to peruse it in the country, whither he intended
to remove next day, that he might have leisure to consider and point out such
alterations as might, perhaps, be necessary for its representation; and took my
direction, that he might communicate by letter the observations he should make.
Trusting to these assurances, and the interest which had been made in my behalf,
I hugged myself in the expectation of seeing it not only acted, but acted to the
greatest advantage, and this I thought could not fail of recompensing me in
ample manner for the anxiety and affliction I had undergone; but six weeks
being elapsed, I did not know how to reconcile Mr. Marmozet’s silence with his
promise of writing to me in ten days after he set out for the country; however, I
was at last favoured with a letter, importing that he had made some remarks on
my tragedy, which he would freely impart at meeting, and advised me to put it,
without loss of time, into the hands of that manager, who had the best company;
as he himself was quite uncertain whether or not he should be engaged that
winter. I was a good deal alarmed at this last part of his letter, and advised about
it with a friend, who told me, it was a plain indication of Mr. Marmozet’s desire
to get rid of his promise; that his pretended uncertainty about acting next winter
was no other than a scandalous evasion; for, to his certain knowledge, he was
already engaged, or at least in terms, with Mr. Vandal; and that his design was to
disappoint me, in favour of a new comedy, which he had purchased of the
author, and intended to bring upon the stage for his own advantage.
“In short, my dear sir, this person, who, I must own, is if a sanguine
complexion, handled the moral character of Mr. Marmozet with such severity,
that I began to suspect him of some particular prejudice, and put myself upon my
guard against his insinuations. I ought to crave pardon for this tedious narration
of trivial circumstances, which, however interesting they may be to me, must
certainly be very dry and insipid to the ear of one unconcerned in the affair. But I
understand the meaning of your looks, and will proceed.
“Well, sir, Mr. Marmozet, upon his return to town, treated me with uncommon
complaisance, and invited me to his lodgings, where he proposed to
communicate his remarks, which, I confess, were more unfavourable than I
expected; but I answered his objections, and, as I thought, brought him over to
my opinion; for, on the whole, he signified the highest approbation of the
performance. In the course of our dispute, I was not a little surprised to find this
poor gentleman’s memory so treacherous, as to let him forget what he had said
to me, before he went out of town, in regard to Earl Sheerwit’s opinion of my
play, which he now professed himself ignorant of; and I was extremely mortified
at hearing from his own mouth, that his interest with Mr. Vandal was so very low
as to be insufficient of itself to bring a new piece upon the stage. I then begged
his advice, and he counselled me to apply to Earl Sheerwit, for a message in my
favour to the manager, who would not presume to refuse anything recommended
by so great man; and he was so kind as to promise to second this message with
all his power. I had immediate recourse to the worthy gentlewoman my friend,
already mentioned, who opened the channels of her conveyance with such
expedition, that in a few days I had a promise of the message, provided I could
assure myself of Mr. Vandal’s being unengaged to any other writer; for his
lordship did not choose to condescend so far, until he should understand that
there was a probability (at least) of succeeding; at the same time that blessed me
with this piece of news, I was startled at another, by the same channel of
communication; which was, that Mr. Marmozet, before he advised me to this
application, had informed the earl that he had read my play, and found it
altogether unfit for the stage. Though I could not doubt the certainty of this
intelligence, I believed there was some inapprehension in the case; and, without
taking any notice of it, told Mr. Marmozet the answer I had been favoured with;
and he promised to ask Mr. Vandal the question proposed. I waited upon him in a
day or two, when he gave me to understand, that Mr. Vandal having professed
himself free of all engagements, he had put my play into his hands, and
represented it as a piece strongly recommended by Earl Sheerwit, who (he
assured him) would honour him with a message in its favour; and he desired me
to call for an answer at Mr. Vandal’s house in three days. I followed his
directions, and found the manager, who being made acquainted with my
business, owned that Mr. Marmozet had given him a manuscript play, but denied
that he had mentioned Earl Sheerwit’s name. When I informed him of the
circumstances of the affair, he said, he had no engagement with any author; that
he would read my tragedy forthwith; and did not believe he should venture to
reject it in contradiction to his lordship’s opinion, for which he had the utmost
veneration, but put it into rehearsal without loss of time. I was so much
intoxicated with this encouragement, that I overlooked the mysterious conduct of
Mr. Marmozet, and attended the manager at the time appointed, when, to my
infinite confusion, he pronounced my play improper for the stage, and rejected it
accordingly. As soon as I could recollect myself from the disorder into which
this unexpected refusal had thrown me, I expressed a desire of hearing his
objections, which were so groundless, indistinct, and unintelligible, that I
persuaded myself he had not at all perused the piece, but had been prompted by
somebody whose lessons he had not rightly retained. However, I have been since
informed that the poor man’s head, which was not naturally very clear, had been
disordered with superstition, and that he laboured under the tyranny of a wife,
and the terrors of hellfire at the same time.
“Precipitated in this manner from the highest pinnacle of hope to the abyss of
despondence, I was ready to sink under the burden of my affliction, and, in the
bitterness of my anguish, could not help entertaining some doubts of Mr.
Marmozet’s integrity, when I recollected and compared the circumstances of his
conduct towards me. I was encouraged in this suspicion by being told that my
Lord Sheerwit had spoken of his character with great contempt: and, in
particular, resented his insolence in opposing his own taste to that of his
lordship, concerning my tragedy. While I hesitated between different opinions of
the matter, that friend, who (as I told you before) was a little hot-headed,
favoured me with a visit, and, having heard a circumstantial account of the
whole affair, could not contain his indignation, but affirmed without ceremony
that Mr. Marmozet was the sole occasion of my disappointment; that he acted
from first to last with the most perfidious dissimulation, cajoling me with
insinuating civilities, while he underhand employed all his art and influence to
prejudice the ignorant manager against my performance; that nothing could
equal his hypocrisy but his avarice, which engrossed the faculties of his soul so
much, that he scrupled not to be guilty of the meanest practices to gratify that
sordid appetite; that, in consequence of this disposition, he had prostituted his
honour in betraying my inexperience, and in undermining the interest of another
author of established reputation, who had also offered a tragedy to the stage,
which he thought would interfere with the success of the comedy he had bought,
and determined to bring on at all events.
“I was shocked at the description of such a monster, which I could not believe
existed in the world, bad as it is, and argued against the asseverations of my
friend, by demonstrating the bad policy of such behaviour, which could not fail
of entailing infamy upon the author; and the small temptation that a man of Mr.
Marmozet’s figure and success could have to consult his interest in such a
grovelling manner, which must create contempt and abhorrence of him in his
patrons, and effectually deprive him of the countenance and protection he now
enjoys in such an eminent degree. He pretended to laugh at my simplicity, and
asked, if I knew for which of his virtues he was so much caressed by the people
of fashion. “It is not,” said he, “for the qualities of his heart, that this little
parasite is invited to the tables of dukes and lords, who hire extraordinary cooks
for his entertainment. His avarice they see not, his ingratitude they feel not, his
hypocrisy accommodates itself to their humours, and is of consequence pleasing;
but he is chiefly courted for his buffoonery, and will be admitted into the
choicest parties of quality for his talent of mimicking Punch and his wife Joan,
when a poet of the most excellent genius is not able to attract the least regard.”
God forbid, Mr. Random, that I should credit assertions that degrade the dignity
of our superiors so much, and represent the poor man as the most abject of all
beings! No, I looked upon them as the hyperboles of passion; and though that
comedy of which he spoke did actually appear, I dare not doubt the innocence of
Mr. Marmozet, who, I am told, is as much as ever in favour with the earl; a
circumstance that, surely, could not be, unless he had vindicated his character to
the satisfaction of his lordship. Pray forgive this long digression, and give me the
hearing a little longer; for, thank heaven! I am now near the goal.
“Baffled in all my attempts, I despaired of seeing my play acted; and
bethought myself of choosing some employment that might afford a sure, though
mean subsistence; but my landlord, to whom I was by this time considerably
indebted, and who had laid his account with having his money paid all in a heap
from the profits of my third night, could not brook his disappointment, therefore
made another effort in my behalf, and, by dint of interest, procured a message
from a lady of fashion to Mr. Brayer, who had always professed a great
veneration for her, desiring that he would set up my play forthwith, and assuring
him that she and all her friends would support it in the performance. To
strengthen my interest, she engaged his best actors in my cause; and, in short,
exerted herself so much, that it was again received, and my hopes began to
revive. But Mr. Brayer, honest man, was so much engrossed by business of vast
consequence, though to appearance he had nothing at all to do, that he could not
find time to read it until the season was pretty far advanced; and read it he must,
for notwithstanding his having perused it before, his memory did not retain one
circumstance of the matter.
“At length he favoured it with his attention, and having proposed certain
alterations, sent his duty to the lady who patronised it, and promised, on his
honour, to bring it on next winter, provided these alterations should be made, and
the copy delivered to him before the end of April. With an aching heart, I
submitted to these conditions, and performed them accordingly: but fortune
owed me another unforeseen mortification; Mr. Marmozet, during the summer,
became joint patentee with Mr. Brayer, so that when I claimed performance of
articles, I was told he could do nothing without the consent of his partner, who
was pre-engaged to another author.
“My condition was rendered desperate by the death of my good friend and
landlord, whose executors obtained a judgment against my effects, which they
seized, turned me out into the streets naked, friendless, and forlorn: there I was
arrested at the suit of my tailor, and thrown into the prison, where I have made
shift to live these five weeks on the bounty of my fellow prisoners, who, I hope,
are not the worse for the instruction and good offices by which I manifest my
gratitude; but in spite of all their charitable endeavours, my life was scarce
tolerable, until your uncommon benevolence enabled me to enjoy it with
comfort.”
 CHAPTER LXIV
I am seized with a deep Melancholy, and become a Sloven—am
relieved by my Uncle—he prevails upon me to engage with his
Owners, as a Surgeon of the Ship which he commands—he
makes me a considerable Present—entertain Strap as his steward
—I take leave of my Friends, and go on Board—the Ship arrives
in the Downs

I shall not make any reflection on this story, in the course of which the reader
must perceive how egregiously the simplicity and milky disposition of this
worthy man had been duped and abused by a set of scoundrels, who were so
habituated to falsehood and equivocation, that I verily believed they would have
found the utmost difficulty in uttering one syllable of truth, though their lives
had depended upon their sincerity. Notwithstanding all I had suffered from the
knavery and selfishness of mankind, I was amazed and incensed by the base
indifference which suffered such uncommon merit as he possessed to languish in
obscurity, and struggle with all the miseries of a loathsome gaol; and should
have blessed the occasion that secluded me from such a perfidious world, had
not the remembrance of my amiable Narcissa preserved my attachment to a
society of which she constituted a part. The picture of that lovely creature was
the constant companion of my solitude. How often did I contemplate the
resemblance of those enchanting features that first captivated my heart! how
often did I weep over those endearing scenes which her image recalled! and how
often did I curse my perfidious fate for having robbed me of the fair original! In
vain did my imagination flatter me with schemes of future happiness: surly
reason always interposed, and in a moment overthrew the unsubstantial fabric,
by chastising the extravagance of my hope, and representing my unhappy
situation in the right point of view. In vain did I fly for refuge to the amusements
of the place, and engage in the parties of Jackson at cards, billiards, nine-pins,
and fives; a train of melancholy thoughts took possession of my soul, which
even the conversation of Melopoyn could not divert. I ordered Strap to inquire
every day at Banter’s lodgings, in expectation of hearing again from my
charmer; and my disappointment considerably, augmented my chagrin. My
affectionate valet was infected with my sorrow, and often sat with me whole
hours without speaking, uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear for tear. This
fellowship increased our distemper; he became incapable of business, and was
discarded by his master; while I, seeing my money melt away without any
certainty of deliverance, and, in short, all my hopes frustrated, grew negligent of
life, lost all appetite, and degenerated into such a sloven that during the space of
three months I was neither washed, shifted, nor shaved; so that my face,
rendered meagre with abstinence, was obscured with dirt, and overshadowed
with hair, and my whole appearance squalid and even frightful; when, one day,
Strap brought me notice, that there was a man below who wanted to speak with
me. Roused at this intelligence, and in full hopes of receiving a letter from the
dear object of my love, I ran downstairs with the utmost precipitation. And found
to my infinite surprise my generous uncle, Mr. Bowling! Transported at the sight,
I sprang forward to embrace him. Upon which he started aside with great agility,
drew his hanger, and put himself upon his guard, crying, “Avast, brother, avast!
Sheer off. Yo ho! you turnkey, why don’t you keep a better look out? Here’s one
of your crazy prisoners broke from his lashings, I suppose.” I could not help
laughing heartily at his mistake; but this I soon rectified by my voice, which he
instantly recollected, and shook me by the hand with great affection, testifying
his concern at seeing me in such a miserable condition.
I conducted him to my apartment, where, in presence of Strap, whom I
introduced to him as one of my best friends, he gave me to understand, that he
was just arrived from the Coast Of Guinea, after having made a pretty successful
voyage, in which he had acted as mate, until the ship was attacked by a French
privateer, that the captain being killed during the engagement, he had taken the
command, and was so fortunate as to sink the enemy; after which exploit he fell
in with a merchant ship from Martinico, laden with sugar, indigo and some silver
and by virtue of his letter of marque, attacked, took, and carried her safe into
Kinsale in Ireland, where she was condemned as a lawful prize; by which means
he had not only got a pretty sum of money, but also acquired the favour of his
owners, who had already conferred upon him the command of a large ship,
mounted with twenty nine-pounders, ready to sail upon a very advantageous
voyage, which he was not at liberty to discover. And he assured me that it was
with the greatest difficulty he found me, in consequence of a direction left for
him at his lodgings at Wapping.
I was rejoiced beyond measure at this account of his good fortune; and, at his
desire, recounted all the adventures that had happened to me since we parted.
When he understood the particulars of Strap’s attachment to me, he squeezed his
hand very cordially, and promised to make a man of him; then, giving me ten
guineas for my present occasion, took a direction for the tailor who arrested me,
and went away in order to discharge the debt, telling me at parting, that he would
soon fetch up all my leeway with a wet sail.
I was utterly confounded at this sudden transition, which affected me more
than any reverse I had formerly felt; and a crowd of incoherent ideas rushed so
impetuously upon my imagination, that my reason could neither separate nor
connect them; when Strap, whose joy had manifested itself in a thousand fool-
cries, came into my room with his shaving utensils, and without any previous
intimation, began to lather my beard, whistling with great emotion all the while.
I started from my reverie, and, being too well acquainted with Strap to trust
myself in his hands while he was under such agitation, desired to be excused,
sent for another barber, and suffered myself to be trimmed. Having performed
the ceremony of ablution, I shifted, and dressing in my gayest apparel, waited
for the return of my uncle, who was agreeably surprised at my sudden
transformation.
This beneficent kinsman had satisfied my creditor, and obtained an order for
my discharge, so that I was no longer a prisoner; but, as I had some reluctance to
part with my friends and fellows in distress, I prevailed upon Mr. Bowling to
favour us with his company, and invited Mr. Melopoyn and Jackson to spend the
evening at my apartment, where I regaled them with a supper, good wine, and
the news of my release, on which they heartily congratulated me,
notwithstanding the loss of my company, which, they were pleased to say, they
should severely feel. As for Jackson, his misfortune made so little impression on
himself, and he was altogether so loose, indifferent, and indiscreet, that I could
scarce pity his situation: but I had conceived a veneration and friendship for the
poet, who was, in all respects, an object much more worthy of compassion and
regard. When our guests withdrew, and my uncle had retired, with an intention
of visiting me next morning, I made up a bundle of some linen and other
necessaries; and, bidding Strap carry them to Mr. Melopoyn’s lodgings, went
thither myself, and pressed it upon his acceptance, with five guineas, which, with
much difficulty, he received, assuring me at the same time, that he should never
have it in his power to make satisfaction. I then asked if I could serve him in any
other way; to which he answered, “You have already done too much;” and,
unable to contain the emotions of his soul any longer, burst into tears, and wept
aloud. Moved at this spectacle, I left him to his repose, and, when my uncle
returned in the morning, represented his character in such a favourable light, that
the honest seaman was affected with his distress, and determined to follow my
example, in presenting him with five pieces more; upon which, that I might save
him some confusion, I advised Mr. Bowling to inclose it in a letter to be
delivered by Strap, after we should be gone.
This was accordingly done. I took a formal leave of all my acquaintance in the
gaol; and, just as I was about to step into a hackney coach at the gate, Jackson
calling me, I returned, and he asked me in a whisper, if I could lend him a
shilling! His demand being so moderate, and in all likelihood the last he would
make upon me, I slipped a guinea into his hand, which he no sooner perceived,
than he cried, “O Jesus, a guinea!” then laying hold of a button of my coat, broke
out into laughter; and when his immoderate fit of convulsion was ended, told me
I was an honest fellow, and let me go. The coachman was ordered to drive to Mr.
Bowling’s lodgings, where, when we arrived, he entered into a serious discourse
with me, on the subject of my situation, and proposed that I should sail with him
in quality of his surgeon; in which case he would put me in a method of getting a
fortune in a few years by my own industry; and assured me, that I might expect
to inherit all that he should die possessed of, provided I should survive him.
Though I was penetrated with a sense of his generosity, l was startled at a
proposal that offered violence to my love, and signified my sentiments on that
head, which he did not seem to relish; but observed that love was the fruit of
idleness, that when once I should be employed in business, and my mind
engaged in making money, I should be no more troubled with these silly notions,
which none but your fair-weathered Jacks, who have nothing but their pleasure
to mind, ought to entertain. I was piqued at this insinuation, which I looked upon
as a reproach, and, without giving myself time to deliberate, accepted his offer.
He was overjoyed at my compliance, carried me immediately to his chief owner,
with whom a bargain was struck; so that then I could not retract with honour,
had I been ever so much averse to the agreement. That I might not have time to
cool, he bade me draw out a list of medicines for a complement of five hundred
men, adapted to the distempers of hot climates and sufficient for a voyage of
eighteen months; and carry it to a certain wholesale apothecary, who would also
provide me in two well-qualified mates. While I was thus employed Strap came
in, and looked very blank, when he understood my resolution: however, after a
pause of some minutes, he insisted upon going along with me; and at my desire
was made ship’s steward by Captain Bowling, who promised to be at the
expense of fitting him out, and to lend him two hundred pounds to purchase an
adventure.
When I had delivered my list of medicines, chosen a couple of my own
countrymen for mates, and bespoke a set of chirurgical instruments, my uncle
told me, that by his last voyage he had cleared almost three thousand pounds,
one-third of which he would immediately make over and put into my hands; that
he would procure for me credit to the value of so much more in such goods as
would turn to best account in the country to which we were bound; and that,
although he looked upon my interest as his own, he would keep the remaining
part of his fortune in his own disposal, with a view of preserving his
independence, and the power of punishing me, in case I should not make a good
use of what he had already bestowed.
Without troubling the reader with an account of the effect which this
surprising generosity had upon my mind, I shall only say, that his promises were
instantly performed, and an invoice of merchandise proper for the voyage
presented to me, that I might purchase the goods, and ship them with all
expedition. In the midst of this hurry, the remembrance of my charming Narcissa
often interposed, and made me the most miserable of all mortals. I was distracted
with the thought of being torn from her, perhaps for ever; and though the hope of
seeing her again might have supported me under the torments of separation, I
could not reflect upon the anguish she must feel at parting with me, and the
incessant sorrows to which her tender bosom would be exposed during my
absence, without being pierced with the deepest affliction! As my imagination
was daily and nightly upon the rack to invent some method of mitigating this
cruel stroke, or at least of acquitting my love and honour in the opinion of this
gentle creature, I at length stumbled upon an expedient, with which the reader
will be made acquainted in due time; and, in consequence of my determination,
became less uneasy and disturbed.
My business being finished, and the ship ready to sail, I resolved to make my
last appearance among my acquaintance at the other end of the town, where I
had not been since my imprisonment; and as I had, by the advice of my uncle,
taken off some very rich clothes for sale, I put on the gayest suit in my
possession, and went in a chair to the coffee-house I used to frequent, where I
found my friend Banter so confounded at the magnificence of my dress, that,
when I made up to him, he gazed at me with a look of astonishment, without
being able, for some minutes, to open his lips; then pulling me aside by the
sleeve, and fixing his eyes on mine, accosted me thus: “Random, where the devil
have you been! eh? What is the meaning of all this finery? Oho! I understand
you. You are just arrived from the country! what, the roads are good, eh? Well,
Random, you are a bold fellow, and a lucky fellow! but take care, the pitcher
goes often to the well, but is broke at last.” So saying, he pointed to his collar;
by which gesture, and the broken hints he had ejaculated, I found he suspected
me of having robbed on the highway; and I laughed very heartily at his
supposition. Without explaining myself any further, I told him he was mistaken
in his conjecture; that I had been for some time past with the relation of whom
he had frequently heard me speak; and that, as I should set out next day upon my
travels, I had come to take my leave of my friends, and to receive of him the
money he had borrowed from me, which, now that I was going abroad, I should
certainly have occasion for. He was a little disconcerted at this demand; but,
recollecting himself in a moment, swore in an affected passion, that I had used
him extremely ill, and he would never forgive me for having, by this short
warning, put it out of his power to free himself of an obligation he could no
longer bear. I could not help smiling at this pretended delicacy, which I
commended highly, telling him he needed not to be uneasy on that score, for I
would give him a direction to a merchant in the city, with whom I would leave a
discharge on the sum, to be delivered upon payment. He professed much joy at
this expedient, and with great eagerness asked the person’s name and place of
abode, which he forthwith wrote in his pocket-book, assuring me, that he should
not be long in my debt. This affair, which I knew he should never after think of,
being settled to his satisfaction, I sent cards to all my friends, desiring the favour
of their company at a tavern in the evening, when they honoured my invitation,
and I had the pleasure of treating them in a very elegant manner, at which they
expressed equal admiration as applause. Having enjoyed ourselves till midnight,
I took my leave of them, and was well nigh stifled with caresses: next day, I set
out with Strap in a postchaise for Gravesend, where we went on board; and the
wind serving, weighed anchor in less than twelve hours. Without meeting with
any accident, we reached the Downs, where we were obliged to come to an
anchor, and wait for an easterly wind to carry us out of the Channel.
 CHAPTER LXV

I set out for Sussex—consult Mrs. Sagely—achieve an Interview

with Narcissa—return to the Ship—we get clear of the Channel
—I learn our Destination—we are chased by a large Ship—the
company are dismayed, and encouraged by the Captain’s speech
—our pursuer happens to be an English Man of War—we arrive
at the Coast of Guinea, purchase four hundred Negroes—sail for
Paraguay, get safe into the River of Plate, and sell our Cargo to
great Advantage

It was now I put in execution the scheme I had projected at London; and
asking leave of the captain for Strap and me to stay on shore till the wind should
become favourable, my request was granted, because he had orders to remain in
the Downs until he should receive some dispatches from London, which he did
not expect in less than a week. Having imparted my resolution to my trusty
valet, who (though he endeavoured to dissuade me from such a rash
undertaking) would not quit me in the enterprise, I hired horses, and set out
immediately for that part of Sussex where my charmer was confined, which was
not above thirty miles distant from Deal, where we mounted. As I was perfectly
well acquainted with the extent of the squire’s estate and influence, I halted
within five miles of his house, where we remained till the twilight, at which time
we set forward, and, by the favour of a dark night, reached a copse about half-a-
mile from the village where Mrs. Sagely lived. Here we left our horses tied to a
tree, and went directly to the house of my old benefactress, Strap trembling all
the way, and venting ejaculatory petitions to heaven for our safety. Her
habitation being quite solitary, we arrived at the door without being observed,
when I ordered my companion to enter by himself; and, in case there should be
company with her, deliver a letter which I had writ for that purpose, and say that
a friend of hers in London, understanding that he intended to travel this road,
had committed it to his care. He rapped at the door, to which the good old
matron coming, told him that, being a lone woman, he must excuse her, if she
did not open it, until he had declared his name and business. He answered, that
his name was unknown to her, and that his business was to deliver a letter, which
(to free her from all apprehension) he would convey to her through the space
between the door and threshold. This he instantly performed: and she no sooner
read the contents, which specified my being present, than she cried, “If the
person who wrote this letter be at hand, let him speak, that I may be assured by
his voice whether or not I may safely admit him.” I forthwith applied my mouth
to the keyhole, and pronounced, “Dear mother, you need not be afraid, it is I, so
much indebted to your goodness, who now crave admittance.” She knew my
voice, and opening the door immediately, received me with a truly maternal
affection, manifesting, by the tears she let fall, her concern lest I should be
discovered, for she had been informed of everything that had happened between
Narcissa and me from the dear captive’s own mouth. When I explained the
motive of my journey, which was no other than a desire of seeing the object of
my love before I should quit the kingdom, that I might in person convince her of
the necessity I was under to leave her, reconcile her to that event, by describing
the advantages that in all probability would attend it, repeat my vows of eternal
constancy, and enjoy the melancholy pleasure of a tender embrace at parting. I
say, when I had thus signified my intention, Mrs. Sagely told me, that Narcissa,
upon her return from Bath, had been so strictly watched that nobody but one or
two of the servants devoted to her brother, was admitted to her presence, that
afterwards she had been a little enlarged, and was permitted to see company;
during which indulgence, she had been several times at the cottage; but of late
she had been betrayed by one of the servants, who discovered to the squire, that
he had once carried a letter from her to the post-house directed to me; upon
which information she was now more confined than ever, and that I could have
no chance of seeing her, unless I would run the risk of getting into the garden,
where she and her maid were every day allowed to take the air, and lie hid until I
should have an opportunity of speaking to them—an adventure attended with
such danger, that no man in his right wits would attempt it. This enterprise,
hazardous as it was, I resolved to perform, in spite of all the arguments of Mrs.
Sagely, who reasoned, chid, and entreated by turns; and the tears and prayers of
Strap, who conjured me on his knees, to have more regard to myself as well as to
him, than to attempt my own destruction in such a precipitate manner. I was deaf
to but the suggestions of my love; and ordering him to return immediately with
the horses to the inn from whence we set out, and wait for my coming in that
place, he at first peremptorily refused to leave me, until I persuaded him, that if
our horses should remain where they were till daylight, they would certainly be
discovered, and the whole country alarmed. On this consideration, he took his
leave in a sorrowful plight, kissed my hand, and, weeping, cried “God knows if
ever I shall see you again.” My kind landlady, finding me obstinate, gave me her
best advice how to behave in the execution of my project: and after having
persuaded me to take a little refreshment, accommodated me with a bed, and left
me to my repose. Early in the morning I arose, and armed with a couple of
loaded pistols and a hanger, went to the back part of the squire’s garden, climbed
over the wall, and, according to Mrs. Sagely’s direction, concealed myself in a
thicket, hard by an alcove that terminated a walk at a good distance from the
house, which (I was told) my mistress mostly frequented. Here I absconded from
five o’clock in the morning to six in the evening, without seeing a human
creature; at last I perceived two women approaching, whom, by my throbbing
heart, I soon recognised to be the adorable Narcissa and Miss Williams. I felt the
strongest agitation of soul at the sight; and guessing, that they would repose
themselves in the alcove, stopped into it unperceived, and hid upon the stone
table a picture of myself in miniature, for which I had sat in London, purposing
to leave it with Narcissa before I should go abroad. I exposed it in this manner,
as an introduction to my own appearance, which, without some previous
intimation, I was afraid might have an unlucky effect upon the delicate nerves of
my fair enslaver; and then withdrew into the thicket, where I could hear their
discourse, and suit myself to the circumstance of the occasion. As they
advanced, I observed an air of melancholy in the countenance of Narcissa,
blended with such unspeakable sweetness, that I could scarce refrain from flying
into her arms, and kissing away the pearly drop that stood collected in each
bewitching eye. According to my expectation, she entered the alcove, and
perceiving something on the table, took it up. No sooner did she cast her eye
upon the features, than, startled at the resemblance, she cried, “Good God!” and
the roses instantly vanished from her cheeks. Her confidante, alarmed at this
exclamation, looked at the picture; and, struck with the likeness, exclaimed,
“Jesus! the very features of Mr. Random!” Narcissa, having recollected herself a
little, said, “Whatever angel brought it hither as a comfort to me in my affliction,
I am thankful for the benefit, and will preserve it as the dearest object of my
care.” So saying, she kissed it with surprising ardour, shed a flood of tears, and
then deposited the lifeless image in her lovely bosom. Transported at these
symptoms of her unaltered affection, I was about to throw myself at her feet,
when Miss Williams, whose reflection was less engaged than that of her
mistress, observed that the picture could not transport itself hither, and that she
could not help thinking I was not far off. The gentle Narcissa, starting at this
conjecture, answered, “Heaven forbid! for although nothing in the universe
could yield me satisfaction equal to that of his presence for one poor moment, in
a proper place, I would rather forfeit his company—almost for ever, than see him
here, where his life would be exposed to so much danger.” I could no longer
restrain the impulse of my passion, but, breaking from my concealment, stood
before her, when she uttered a fearful shriek, and fainted in the arms of her
companion. I flew towards the treasure of my soul, clasped her in my embrace,
and with the warmth of my kisses, brought her again to life. Oh that I were
endowed with the expression of a Raphael, the graces of a Guido, the magic
touches of a Titian, that I might represent the fond concern, the chastened rapture
and ingenuous blush, that mingled on her beauteous face, when she opened her
eyes upon me, and pronounced, “O heavens! is it you?” I am afraid I have
already encroached upon the reader’s patience with the particulars of this amour,
of which (I own) I cannot help being impertinently circumstantial. I shall
therefore omit the less material passages of this interview, during which I
convinced her reason, though I could not appease the sad presages of her love,
with regard to the long voyage and dangers I must undergo. When we had spent
an hour (which was all she could spare from the barbarity of her brother’s
vigilance) in lamenting over our hard fate, and in repeating our reciprocal vows,
Miss Williams reminded us of the necessity there was for our immediate parting;
and, sure, lovers never parted with such sorrow and reluctance as we. But
because my words are incapable of doing justice to this affecting circumstance, I
am obliged to draw a veil over it, and observe, that I returned in the dark to the
house of Mrs. Sagely, who was overjoyed to hear of my success, and opposed
the tumults of my grief with such strength of reason, that my mind regained, in
some measure, its tranquillity; and that very night, after having forced upon the
good gentlewoman a purse of twenty guineas, as a token of my gratitude and
esteem, I took my leave of her, and set out on foot for the inn, where my arrival
freed honest Strap from the horrors of unutterable dread.
We took horse immediately, and alighted early next morning at Deal, where I
found my uncle in great concern on account of my absence, because he had
received his despatches, and must have weighed with the first fair wind, whether
I had been on board or not. Next day, a brisk easterly gale springing up, we set
sail, and in eight and forty hours got clear of the Channel.
When we were about two hundred leagues to westward of the Land’s End, the
captain, taking me apart into the cabin, told me that, now he was permitted by
his instructions, he would disclose the intent and destination of our voyage. “The
ship,” said he, “which has been fitted out at a great expense, is bound for the
coast of Guinea, where we shall exchange part of our cargo for slaves and gold
dust, from whence we will transport our negroes to Buenos Ayres in New Spain,
where (by virtue of passports, obtained from our own court, and that of Madrid)
we will dispose of them and the goods that remain on board for silver, by means
of our supercargo, who is perfectly well acquainted with the coast, the lingo, and
inhabitants.” Being thus let into the secret of our expedition, I borrowed of the
supercargo a Spanish grammar, dictionary, and some other books of the same
language, which I studied with such application that, before we arrived in New
Spain, I could maintain a conversation with him in that tongue. Being arrived in
the warm latitudes, I ordered (with the captain’s consent) the whole ship’s
company to be blooded and purged, myself undergoing the same evacuation, in
order to prevent those dangerous fevers to which northern constitutions are
subject in hot climates; and I have reason to believe, that this precaution was not
unserviceable, for we lost but one sailor during our whole passage to the coast.
One day, when we had been about five weeks at sea, we descried to windward
a large ship bearing down upon us with all the sail she could carry. Upon which,
my uncle ordered the studding-sails to be hoisted and the ship to be cleared for
engaging; but, finding that (to use the seaman’s phrase) we were very much
wronged by the ship which had us in chase, and by this time had hoisted French
colours, he commanded the studding-sails to be taken in, the courses to be
clowed up, the main topsail to be backed, the tompions to be taken out of the
guns, and every man to repair to his quarters. While every body was busied in
the performance of these orders, Strap came upon the quarter-deck, trembling
and looking aghast, and, with a voice half-suppressed by fear, asked if I thought
we were a match for the vessel in pursuit of us. Observing his consternation, I
said, “What! are you afraid, Strap.” “Afraid! (he replied); n-n-no; what should I
be afraid of? I thank God I have a clear conscience; but I believe it will be a
bloody battle, and I wish you may not have occasion for another hand to assist
you in the cockpit.” I immediately perceived his drift, and making the captain
acquainted with his situation, desired he might be stationed below with me and
my mates. My uncle, incensed at his pusillanimity, bade me send him down
instantly, that his fear might not infect the ship’s company; whereupon I told the
poor steward that I had begged him for my assistant, and desired him to go down
and help my mates to get ready the instruments and dressings. Notwithstanding
the satisfaction he must have felt at those tidings, he affected a shyness of
quitting the upper deck; and said, he hoped I did not imagine he was afraid to do
his duty above board; for he believed himself as well prepared for death as any
man in the ship, no disparagement to me or the captain. I was disgusted at this
affectation; and, in order to punish his hypocrisy, assured him he might take his
choice, either of going down to the cockpit with me, or staying upon deck during
the engagement. Alarmed at this indifference, he replied, “Well, to oblige you,
I’ll go down, but remember it is more for your sake than my own.” So saying, he
disappeared in a twinkling, without waiting for an answer.
By this time, we could observe two tier of guns in the ship which pursued us,
and which was now but two short miles astern. This discovery had an evident
effect upon the sailors, who did not scruple to say, that we should be torn to
pieces, and blown out of the water, and that, if in case any of them should lose
their precious limbs, they must go a begging for life, for there was no provision
made by the merchants for those poor souls who are maimed in their service.
The captain, understanding this, ordered the crew abaft, and spoke to them thus:
“My lads, I am told you hang an a—se. I have gone to sea thirty years, a man
and a boy, and never saw English sailors afraid before. Mayhap you may think I
want to expose you for the lucre of gain. Whosoever thinks so, thinks a d—ned
lie, for my whole cargo is insured; so that, in case I should be taken, my loss
would not be great. The enemy is stronger than we, to be sure. What then? have
we not a chance for carrying away one of her masts, and so get clear of her? If
we find her too hard for us, ’tis but striking at last. If any man is hurt in the
engagement, I promise on the word of an honest seaman, to make him a
recompense according to his loss. So now, you that are lazy, lubberly, cowardly
dogs, get away and skulk in the hold and bread-room; and you, that are jolly
boys, stand by me, and let us give one broadside for the honour of Old England.”
This eloquent harangue was so well adapted to the disposition of his hearers, that
one and all of them, pulling off their hats, waved them over their heads, and
saluted him with three cheers; upon which he sent his boy for two large case-
bottles of brandy: having treated every man with a dram, they repaired to their
quarters, and waited impatiently for the word of command. I must do my uncle
the justice to say, that in the whole of his disposition, he behaved with the utmost
intrepidity, conduct, and deliberation. The enemy being very near, he ordered me
to my station, and was just going to give the word for hoisting the colours, and
firing, when the supposed Frenchman hauled down his white pennant, jack, and
ensign, hoisted English ones, and fired a gun a-head of us. This was a joyful
event to Captain Bowling, who immediately showed his colours, and fired a gun
to leeward; upon which the other ship ran alongside of us, hailed him, and,
giving him to know that she was an English man-of-war of forty guns, ordered
him to hoist out his boat and come on board. This command he obeyed with the
more alacrity, because, upon inquiry, he found that she was commanded by an
old messmate of his, who was overjoyed to see him, detained him to dinner, and
sent his barge for the supercargo and me, who were very much caressed on his
account. As this commander was destined to cruise upon the French in the
latitude of Martinico, his stem and quarters were adorned with white fleurs-de-
lis, and the whole shell of the ship so much disguised for a decoy to the enemy,
that it was no wonder my uncle did not know her, although he had sailed on
board of her many years. We kept company with her four days, during which
time the captains were never asunder, and then parted, our course lying different
from hers.
In less than fortnight after our separation, we made the land of Guinea, near
the mouth of the River Gambia; and trading along the coast as far to the
southward of the Line as Angola and Bengula, in less than six months disposed
of the greatest part of our cargo, and purchased four hundred negroes, my
adventure having been laid out in gold dust.
Our complement being made up, we took our departure from Cape Negroe,
and arrived in the Rio de la Plata in six weeks, having met with nothing
remarkable in our voyage, except an epidemic fever, not unlike the jail
distemper, which broke out among our slaves and carried off a good many of the
ship’s company; among whom I lost one of my mates, and poor Strap had well
nigh given up the ghost. Having produced our passport to the Spanish governor,
we were received with great courtesy, sold our slaves in a very few days, and
could have put off five times the number at our own price; though we were
obliged to smuggle the rest of our merchandise, consisting of European bale-
goods, which however we made shift to dispose of at a great advantage.
 CHAPTER LXVI

I am invited to the Villa of a Spanish Don, where we went with

an English Gentleman, and make a very interesting discovery—
we leave Buenos Ayres, and arrive at Jamaica

Our ship being freed from the disagreeable lading of negroes, to whom,
indeed, I had been a miserable slave since our leaving the coast of Guinea, I
began to enjoy myself, and breathe with pleasure the pure air of Paraguay, this
part of which is reckoned the Montpelier of South America, and has obtained, on
account of its climate, the name of Buenos Ayres. It was in this delicious place
that I gave myself entirely up to the thoughts of my dear Narcissa, whose image
still kept possession of my breast, and whose charms, enhanced by absence,
appeared to my imagination, if possible, more engaging than ever! I calculated
the profits of my voyage, which even exceeded my expectation; resolved to
purchase sinecure upon my arrival in England, and if I should find the squire as
averse to me as ever, marry his sister by stealth; and in case our family should
increase, rely on the generosity of my uncle, who was by this time worth a
considerable sum.
While I amused myself with these agreeable projects, and the transporting
thoughts of enjoying Narcissa, we were very much caressed by the Spanish
gentlemen, who frequently formed parties of pleasure for our entertainment, in
which we made excursions a good way into the country. Among those who
signalised themselves by their civility to us, was one Don Antonio de Ribera, a
very polite young gentleman, with whom I had contracted an intimate friendship,
who invited us one day to his country house, and, as a further inducement to our
compliance, promised to procure for us the company of an English Signor, who
had been settled in those parts many years and acquired the love and esteem of
the whole province by his affability, good sense, and honourable behaviour.
We accepted his invitation, and set out for his villa, where we had not been
longer than an hour, when the person arrived in whose favour I had been so
much prepossessed. He was a tall man, remarkably well shaped, of a fine mien
and appearance, commanding respect, and seemed to be turned of forty; the
features of his face were saddened with a reserve and gravity, which in other
countries would have been thought the effect of melancholy; but here appeared
to have been contracted by his commerce with the Spaniards, who are
remarkable for that severity of countenance. Understanding from Don Antonio
that we were his countrymen, he saluted us all round very complacently, and
fixing his eyes attentively on me, uttered a deep sigh. I had been struck with a
profound veneration for him at his first coming into the room; and no sooner
observed this expression of his sorrow, directed, as it were, in a particular
manner to me, that my heart took part in his grief; I sympathised involuntarily
and sighed in my turn. Having asked leave of our entertainer, he accosted us in
English, professed his satisfaction at seeing so many of his countrymen in such a
remote place, and asked the captain, who went by the name of Signor Thoma,
from what part of Britain he had sailed and whither he was bound. My uncle told
him that we had sailed from the River Thames, and were bound for the same
plane by the way of Jamaica, where we intended to take in a lading of sugar.
Having satisfied himself in these and other particulars about the state of the
war, he gave us to understand, that he had a longing desire to revisit his native
country, in consequence of which he had already transmitted to Europe the
greatest part of his fortune in neutral bottoms, and would willingly embark the
rest of it with himself in our ship, provided the captain had no objection to such
a passenger. My uncle very prudently replied, that for his part he should be glad
of his company, if he could procure the consent of the governor, without which
he durst not take him on board, whatever inclination he had to oblige him. The
gentleman approved of his discretion, and telling him that there would be no
difficulty in obtaining the connivance of the governor, who was his good friend,
shifted the conversation to another subject.
I was overjoyed to hear his intention, and already interested myself so much
in his favour that, had he been disappointed, I should have been very unhappy. In
the course of our entertainment, he eyed me with uncommon attachment, I felt a
surprising attraction towards him; when he spoke, I listened with attention and
reverence; the dignity of his deportment filled me with affection and awe; and, in
short, the emotions of my soul, in presence of this stranger, were strong and
unaccountable.
Having spent the best part of the day with us, he took his leave, telling
Captain Thoma, that he should hear from him in a short time. He was no sooner
gone than I asked a thousand questions about him of Don Antonio, who could
give me no other satisfaction than that his name was Don Rodrigo, that he had
lived fifteen or sixteen years in these parts, was reputed rich, and supposed to
have been unfortunate in his younger years, because he was observed to nourish
a pensive melancholy, even from the time of his first settlement among them; but
that nobody had ventured to inquire into the cause of his sorrow, in consideration
of his peace, which might suffer in the recapitulation of his misfortunes.
I was seized with an irresistible desire of knowing the particulars of his fate,
and enjoyed not an hour of repose during the whole night, by reason of the eager
conceptions that inspired me with regard to his story, which I resolved (if
possible) to learn. Next morning, while we were at breakfast, three mules, richly
caparisoned, arrived with a message from Don Rodrigo, desiring our company,
and that of Don Antonio, at his house, which was situated about ten miles further
up in the country. I was pleased with this invitation, in consequence of which we
mounted the mules which he had provided for us, and alighted at his house
before noon. Here we were splendidly entertained by the generous stranger, who
still seemed to show a particular regard for me, and after dinner made me a
present of a ring, set with a beautiful amethyst, the production of that country,
saying, at the same time, that he was once blessed with a son, who, had he lived,
would have been nearly of my age. This observation, delivered with a profound
sigh, made my heart throb with violence: a crowd of confused ideas rushed upon
my imagination, which, while I endeavoured to unravel, my uncle perceived my
absence of thought, and tapping me on the shoulder, said, “Oons, are you asleep,
Rory?” Before I had time to reply, Don Rodrigo, with uncommon eagerness of
voice and look, pronounced, “Pray, captain, what is the young gentleman’s
name?” “His name,” said my uncle, “is Roderick Random.” “Gracious Powers!”
cried the stranger, starting up—“And his mother’s?” “His mother,” answered the
captain, amazed, “was called Charlotte Bowling.” “O bounteous Heaven!”
exclaimed Don Rodrigo, springing across the table, and clasping me in his arms,
“my son! my son! have I found thee again? do I hold thee in my embrace, after
having lost and despaired of seeing thee so long?” So saying, he fell upon my
neck, and wept aloud with joy; while the power of nature operating strongly in
my breast. I was lost in rapture, and while he pressed me to his heart, let fall a
shower of tears in his bosom. His utterance was choked up a good while by the
agitation of his soul; at length he broke out into “Mysterious Providence!—O
my dear Charlotte, there yet remains a pledge of our love! and such a pledge!—
so found! O infinite Goodness, let me adore thy all-wise decrees!” Having thus
expressed himself, he kneeled upon the floor, lifted up his eyes and hands to
heaven, and remained some minutes in silent ecstacy of devotion. I put myself in
the same posture, adored the all-good Dispenser in a prayer of mental
thanksgiving: and when his ejaculation was ended, did homage to my father, and
craved his paternal blessing. He hugged me again with unutterable fondness, and
having implored the protection of Heaven upon my head, raised me from the
ground, and presented me as his son to the company, who wept in concert over
this affecting scene. Among the rest, my uncle did not fail to discover the
goodness and joy of his heart. Albeit unused to the melting mood, he blubbered
with great tenderness, and wringing my father’s hand, cried, “Brother Random,
I’m rejoiced to see you—God be praised for this happy meeting!” Don Rodrigo,
understanding that he was his brother-in-law, embraced him affectionately,
saying, “Are you my Charlotte’s brother? Alas! unhappy Charlotte! but why
should I repine? we shall meet again, never more to part! Brother, you are truly
welcome. Dear son, I am transported with unspeakable joy! This day is a jubilee
—my friends and servants shall share my satisfaction.”
While he dispatched messengers to the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, to
announce this event, and gave orders for a grand entertainment, I was so much
affected with the tumults of passion, which assailed me on this great, sudden,
and unexpected occasion, that I fell sick, fevered, and in less than three hours
became quite delirious: so that the preparations were countermanded, and the joy
of the family converted into grief and despair. Physicians were instantly called, I
was plentifully blooded in the foot, my lower extremities were bathed in a
decoction of salutiferous herbs: in ten hours after I was taken ill I enjoyed a
critical sweat, and next day felt the remains of the distemper, but an agreeable
lassitude, which did not hinder me from getting up. During the progress of this
fever, which, from the term or its duration, is called ephemera, my father never
once quitted my bedside, but administered the prescriptions of the physicians
with the most pious care; while Captain Bowling manifested his concern by the
like attendance. I no sooner found myself delivered from this disease, than I
bethought myself of my honest friend Strap; and resolving to make him happy
forthwith in the knowledge of my good fortune, told my father in general, that I
had been infinitely obliged to this faithful adherent, and begged he would
indulge me so far as to send for him, without letting him know my happiness,
until he could receive an account of it from my own mouth.
My request was instantly complied with, and a messenger with a spare mule
despatched to the ship, carrying orders from the captain to the mate, to send the
steward by the bearer. My health being, in the meantime, re-established, and my
mind composed I began to relish this important turn of my fortune, in reflecting
upon the advantages with which it must be attended; and, as the idea of my
lovely Narcissa always joined itself to every scene of happiness I could imagine,
I entertained myself now with the prospect of possessing her in that
distinguished sphere to which she was entitled by her birth and qualifications.
Having often mentioned her name while I was deprived of my senses, my father
guessed that there was an intimate connection between us, and discovering the
picture which hung in my bosom by ribbon, did not doubt that it was the
resemblance of my amiable mistress. In this belief he was confirmed by my
uncle, who told him that it was the picture of a young woman, to whom I was
under promise of marriage. Alarmed at this piece of information, Don Rodrigo
took the first opportunity of questioning me about the particulars of this affair,
which when I had candidly recounted, he approved of my passion, and promised
to contribute all in his power towards its success. Though I never doubted his
generosity, I was transported on this occasion, and throwing myself at his feet,
told him, he had now completed my happiness, for, without the possession of
Narcissa I should be miserable among all the pleasures of life. He raised me with
a smile of paternal fondness; said he knew what it was to be in love; and
observed that, if he had been as tenderly beloved by his father as I was by mine,
he should not now perhaps have cause—here he was interrupted by a sigh, the
tear rushed into his eye, suppressed the dictates of his grief, and the time being
opportune, desired me to relate the passages of my life, which my uncle had told
him were manifold and surprising. I recounted the most material circumstances
of my fortune, to which he listened with wonder and attention, manifesting from
time to time the different emotions which my different situations may be
supposed to have raised in a parent’s breast; and, when my detail was ended,
blessed God for the adversity I had undergone, which, he said, enlarged the
understanding, improved the heart, steeled the constitution, and qualified a
young man for all the duties and enjoyments of life much better than any
education which affluence could bestow.
When I had thus satisfied his curiosity, I discovered an inclination to hear the
particulars of his story, which he gratified by beginning with his marriage, and
proceeded to the day of his disappearing, as I have related in the first part of my
memoirs. “Careless of life,” continued he, “and unable to live in a place where
every object recalled the memory of my dear Charlotte, whom I had lost through
the barbarity of an unnatural parent, I took my leave of you, my child, then an
infant, with a heart full of unutterable woe, but little suspecting that my father’s
unkindness would have descended to my innocent orphan; and setting out alone
at midnight for the nearest seaport, early next morning got on board a ship,
bound, as I had heard, for France; and, bargaining with the master for my
passage, bade a long adieu to my native country, and put to sea with the first fair
wind. The place of our destination was Granville, but we had the misfortune to
run upon a ridge of rocks near the Island of Alderney, called the Caskets, where
the sea running high, the ship went to pieces, the boat sunk alongside, and every
soul on board perished, except myself, who, by the assistance of a grating got
ashore on the coast of Normandy. I went directly to Caen, where I was so lucky
as to meet with a count, whom I had formerly known in my travels; with this
gentleman I set out for Paris, where I was recommended by him and other
friends, as tutor to a young nobleman, whom I accompanied to the court of
Spain. There we remained a whole year, at the end of which my pupil being
recalled by his father, I quitted my office, and stayed behind, by the advice of a
certain Spanish grandee, who took me into his protection, and introduced me to
another nobleman, who was afterwards created viceroy of Peru. He insisted on
my attending, him to his government of the Indies, where, however, by reason of
my religion, it was not in his power to make my fortune any other way than by
encouraging me to trade, which I had not long prosecuted when my patron died,
and I found myself in the midst of strangers, without one friend to support or
protect me. Urged by this consideration, I sold my effects, and removed to this
country, the governor of which, having been appointed by the viceroy, was my
intimate acquaintance. Here has heaven prospered my endeavours, during a
residence of sixteen years, in which my tranquillity was never invaded but by the
remembrance of your mother, whose death I have in secret mourned without
ceasing, and the reflection of you, whose fate I could never learn
notwithstanding all my inquiries by means of my friends in France, who, after
the most strict examination, could give me no other account than that you went
abroad six years ago, and was never after heard of. I could not rest satisfied with
this imperfect information, and, though my hope of finding you was but languid,
resolved to go in quest of you in person; for which purpose, I have remitted to
Holland the value of twenty thousand pounds, and am in possession of fifteen
thousand more, with which I intended to embark myself on board of Captain
Bowling, before I discovered this amazing stroke of Providence, which, you may
be sure, has not altered my intention.”
My father, having entertained us with this agreeable sketch of his life,
withdrew, in order to relieve Don Antonio, who, in his absence, had done the
honours of his house; and I was just dressed for my appearance among the
guests, when Strap arrived from the ship.
He no sooner entered the grand apartment in which I was, and saw the
magnificence of my apparel, than his speech was lost in amazement, and he
gaped in silence at the objects that surrounded him. I took him by the hand,
observed that I had sent for him to be a witness and sharer of my happiness, and
told him I had found a father. At these words he started, and, after having
continued some minutes with his mouth and eyes wide open, cried, “Ah!—odd, I
know what! go thy ways, poor Narcissa, and go thy ways somebody else—well
—Lord, what a thing is love! God help us! are all our mad pranks and
protestations come to this? And have you fixed your habitation in this distant
land? God prosper you—I find we must part at last—for I would not leave my
poor carcase so far from my native home, for all the wealth of the universe!”
With these ejaculations, he began to sob and make wry faces; upon which I
assured him of his mistake, both in regard to my staying in Paraguay, and
informed him, as briefly as I could, of the great event that had happened. Never
was rapture more ludicrously expressed than in the behaviour of this worthy
creature, who cried, laughed, whistled, sung, and danced, all in a breath. His
transport was scarce over, when my father entered, who no sooner understood
that this was Strap, than he took him by the hand, saying, “Is this the honest man
who befriended you so much in your distress? You are welcome to my house,
and I will soon put it in the power of my son to reward you for your good offices
in his behalf; in the meantime go with us and partake of the repast that is
provided.” Strap, wild as he was with joy, would by no means accept of the
proffered honour, crying, “God forbid! I know my distance—your worship shall
excuse me.” And Don Rodrigo, finding his modesty invincible, recommended
him to his major-domo, to be treated with the utmost respect; while he carried
me in a large saloon, where I was presented to a numerous company, who loaded
me with compliments and caresses, and congratulated my father in terms not
proper for me to repeat.
Without specifying the particulars of our entertainment, let it suffice to say, it
was at the same time elegant and sumptuous, and the rejoicings lasted two days;
after which, Don Rodrigo settled his affairs, converted his effects into silver and
gold, visited and took leave of all his friends, who were grieved at his departure,
and honoured me with considerable presents; and, coming on board of my
uncle’s ship, with the first fair wind we sailed from the Rio de la Plata, and in
two months came safe to an anchor in the harbour of Kingston, in the Island of
Jamaica.
 CHAPTER LXVII
I visit my old Friend Thompson—we set sail for Europe—meet
with an odd Adventure—arrive in England—I ride across the
Country from Portsmouth to Sussex—converse with Mrs.
Sagely, who informs me of Narcissa’s being in London—in
consequence of this Intelligence, I proceed to Canterbury—meet
with my old friend Morgan—arrive in London—visit Narcissa
—introduce my Father to be—he is charmed with her good
sense and beauty—we come to a Determination of demanding
her Brother’s Consent to our Marriage

I inquired, as soon as I got ashore, about my generous companion, Mr.

Thompson, and hearing that he lived in a flourishing condition upon the estate
left him by his wife’s father, who had been dead some years, I took horse
immediately, with the consent of Don Rodrigo, who had heard me mention him
with great regard, and in a few hours reached the place of his habitation.
I should much wrong the delicacy of Mr. Thompson’s sentiments to say barely
he was glad to see me: he felt all that the most sensible and disinterested
friendship could feel on this occasion, introduced me to his wife, a very amiable
young lady, who had already blessed him with two fine children, and being as
yet ignorant of my circumstances, frankly offered me the assistance of his purse
and interest. I thanked him for his generous intention, and made him acquainted
with my situation, on which he congratulated me with great joy, and, after I had
stayed with him a whole day and night, accompanied me back to Kingston, to
wait upon my father, whom he invited to his house. Don Rodrigo complied with
his request, and, having been handsomely entertained during the space of a
week, returned extremely well satisfied with the behaviour of my friend and his
lady, to whom, at parting, he presented a very valuable diamond ring, as a token
of his esteem. During the course of my conversation with Mr. Thompson, he
gave me to understand, that his old commander Captain Oakum was dead some
months, and that, immediately after his death, a discovery had been made of
some valuable effects that he had feloniously secreted out of a prize by the
assistance of Dr. Mackshane, who was now actually in prison on that account,
and, being destitute of friends, subsisted solely on the charity of my friend,
whose bounty he had implored in the most abject manner, after having been the
barbarous occasion of driving him to that terrible extremity on board of The
Thunder, which we have formerly related. Whatsoever this wretch had been
guilty of, I applauded Mr. Thompson’s generosity towards him in his distress,
which wrought so much upon me also, that I sent him ten pistoles, in such a
private manner that he could never know his benefactor.
While my father and I were caressed among the gentlemen on shore, Captain
Bowling had written to his owners, by the packet, which sailed a few days after
our arrival, signifying his prosperous voyage hitherto, and desiring them to
insure his ship and cargo homeward bound: after which precaution he applied
himself so heartily to the task of loading his ship that, with the assistance of Mr.
Thompson, she was full in less than six weeks. This kind gentleman likewise
procured for Don Rodrigo bills upon London for the greatest part of his gold and
silver, by which means it was secured against the risk of the seas and the enemy;
and, before we sailed, supplied us with such large quantities of all kinds of stock,
that not only we, but the ship’s company, fared sumptuously during the voyage.
Everything being ready, we took our leave of our kind entertainers, and, going
on board at Port Royal, set sail for England on the first day of June. We beat up
to windward, with fine easy weather, and one night believing ourselves near
Cape Tiberon, lay to, with an intention to wood and water next morning in the
bay. While we remained in this situation, a sailor, having drunk more new rum
than he could carry, staggered over board, and, notwithstanding all the means
that could be used to preserve him, went to the bottom, and disappeared. About
two hours after this melancholy accident happened, as I enjoyed the cool air on
the quarter-deck, I heard a voice rising, as it were, out of the sea and calling,
“Ho, the ship ahoy!” Upon which one of the men upon the forecastle cried, “I’ll
be d—n’d if that an’t Jack Marlinspike, who went overboard!” Not a little
surprised at this event, I jumped into the boat that lay alongside, with the second
mate and four men, and rowing towards the place from whence the voice (which
repeated the hail) seemed to proceed, we perceived something floating upon the
water. When we had rowed a little further, we discerned it to be a man riding
upon a hencoop, who, seeing us approach, pronounced with a hoarse voice, “D
—n your bloods! why did you not answer when I hailed?” Our mate, who was a
veritable seaman, hearing his salute, said, “By G—, my lads, this is none of our
man. This is the devil—pull away for the ship.” The fellows obeyed his
command without question, and were already some fathoms on our return, when
I insisted on their taking up the poor creature, and prevailed upon them to go
back to the wreck, which when we came near the second time, and signified our
intention, we received an answer of “Avast, avast—what ship, brother?” Being
satisfied in this particular, he cried, “D—n the ship, I was in hopes it had been
my own—where are you bound?” We satisfied his curiosity in this particular too;
upon which he suffered himself to be taken on board, and, after having been
comforted with a dram, told us, he belonged to the Vesuvio man-of-war, upon a
cruise off the island of Hispaniola; that he had fallen overboard four-and-twenty
hours ago, and the ship being under sail, they did not choose to bring to, but
tossed a hencoop overboard for his convenience, upon which he was in good
hopes of reaching the Cape next morning: howsomever, he was as well content
to be aboard of us because he did not doubt that we should meet his ship, and if
he had gone ashore in the bay, he might have been taken prisoner by the French.
My uncle and father were very much diverted with the account of this fellow’s
unconcerned behaviour; and in two days, meeting with the Vesuvio, as he
expected, sent him on board of her, according to his desire.
Having beat up successfully the windward passage, we stretched to the
northward, and falling in with a westerly wind, in eight weeks arrived in the
soundings, and in two days after made for the Lizard. It is impossible to express
the joy I felt at the sight of English ground! Don Rodrigo was not unmoved, and
Strap shed tears of gladness. The sailors profited by our satisfaction, the shoe
that was nailed to the mast being quite filled with our liberality. My uncle
resolved to run up into the Downs at once, but the wind shifting when we were
abreast of the Isle of Wight, he was obliged to turn into St. Helen’s, and come to
Spithead, to the great mortification of the crew, thirty of whom were
immediately pressed on board a man-of-war.
My father and I went ashore immediately at Portsmouth, leaving Strap with
the captain to go round with the ship and take care of our effects; and I
discovered so much impatience to see my charming Narcissa, that my father
permitted me to ride across the country to her brother’s house; while he should
hire a post-chaise for London, where he would wait for me at a place to which I
directed him.
Fired with all the eagerness of passion, I took post that very night, and in the
morning reached an inn about three miles from the squire’s habitation; here I
remained till next morning, allaying the torture of my impatience with the
rapturous hope of seeing that divine creature after an absence of eighteen
months, which, far from impairing, had raised my love to the most exalted pitch!
Neither were my reflections free from apprehensions: that something intervened
in spite of all my hope, and represented her as having yielded to the importunity
of her brother and blessed the arms of a happy rival. My thoughts were even
maddened with the fear of her death; and, when I arrived in the dark at the house
of Mrs. Sagely, I had not for some time courage to desire admittance, lest my
soul should be shocked with dismal tidings. At length, however, I knocked, and
no sooner certified the good gentlewoman of my voice than she opened the door,
and received me with the most affectionate embrace, that brought tears into her
aged eyes: “For heaven’s sake, dear mother,” cried I, “tell me how is Narcissa? is
she the same that I left her?” She blessed my ears with saying, “She is as
beautiful, in as good health, and as much yours as ever.” Transported at this
assurance, I begged to know if I could not see her that very night, when this sage
matron gave me to understand that my mistress was in London, and that things
were strangely altered in the squire’s house since my departure; that he had been
married a whole year to Melinda, who at first found means to wean his attention
so much from Narcissa, that he became quite careless of that lovely sister,
comforting himself with the clause in his father’s will, by which she should
forfeit her fortune, by marrying without his consent: that my mistress, being but
indifferently treated by her sister-in-law, had made use of her freedom some
months ago, and gone to town, where she was lodged with Miss Williams, in
expectation of my arrival; and had been pestered with the addresses of Lord
Quiverwit, who, finding her heart engaged, had fallen upon a great many shifts
to persuade her that I was dead; but, finding all his artifices unsuccessful, and
despairing of gaining her affection, he had consoled himself for her indifference,
by marrying another lady some weeks ago, who had already left him on account
of some family uneasiness. Besides this interesting information, she told me
there was not a great deal of harmony between Melinda and the squire, who was
so much disgusted at the number of gallants who continued to hover about her
even after her marriage, that he had hurried her down into the country, much
against her own inclination, where their mutual animosities had risen to such a
height, that they preserved no decency before company or servants, but abused
one another in the grossest terms.
This good old gentlewoman, to give me a convincing proof of my dear
Narcissa’s unalterable love, gratified me with a sight of the last letter she had
favoured her with, in which I was mentioned with so much honour, tenderness,
and concern, that my soul was fired with impatience, and I determined to ride all
night, that I might have it the sooner in my power to make her happy. Mrs.
Sagely, perceiving my eagerness, and her maternal affection being equally
divided between Narcissa and me, begged leave to remind me of the sentiments
with which I went abroad, that would not permit me for any selfish gratification
to prejudice the fortune of that amiable young lady, who must entirely depend
upon me, after having bestowed herself in marriage. I thanked her for her kind
concern, and as briefly as possible described my flourishing situation, which
afforded this humane person infinite wonder and satisfaction. I told her, that now
I had an opportunity to manifest my gratitude for the many obligations I owed, I
would endeavour to make her old age comfortable and easy; as a step to which I
proposed she should come and live with Narcissa and me. This venerable
gentlewoman was so much affected with my words, that the tears ran down her
ancient cheeks; she thanked heaven that I had not belied the presages she had
made, on her first acquaintance with me; acknowledging my generosity, as she
called it, in the most elegant and pathetic expressions; but declined my proposal,
on account of her attachment to the dear melancholy cottage where she had so
peacefully consumed her solitary widowhood. Finding her immovable on this
subject, I insisted on her accepting a present of thirty guineas, and took my
leave, resolving to accommodate her with the same sum annually, for the more
comfortable support of the infirmities of old age.
Having rode all night, I found myself at Canterbury in the morning, where I
alighted to procure fresh horses; and, as I walked into the inn, perceived an
apothecary’s on the other side of the street, with the name of Morgan over the
door; alarmed at this discovery, I could not help thinking that my old messmate
had settled in this place, and upon inquiry found my conjecture true, and that he
was married lately to a widow in that city, by whom he had got three thousand
pounds. Rejoiced at this intelligence, I went to his shop as soon as it was open,
and found my friend behind the counter, busy in preparing a clyster. I saluted
him at entrance, with, “Your servant, Mr. Morgan.” Upon which he looked at
me, and replying, “Your most humble servant, good sir,” rubbed his ingredients
in the mortar without any emotion. “What,” said I, “Morgan, have you forgot
your old messmate?” At these words he looked up again, and starting, cried, “As
Cot is my—sure it cannot—yes, by my salfation, I pelieve it is my dear friend
Mr. Rantom.” He was no sooner convinced of my identity, than he threw down
the pestle, overset the mortar, and jumping over the board, swept up the contents
with his clothes, flew about my neck, hugged me affectionately, and daubed me
all over with turpentine and the yolks of eggs which he had been mixing when I
came in. Our mutual congratulations being over, he told me, that he found
himself a widower upon his return from the West Indies; that he had got interest
to be appointed surgeon of a man-of-war, in which capacity he had served some
years, until he married an apothecary’s widow, with whom he now enjoyed a
pretty good sum of money, peace, and quiet, and an indifferent good trade. He
was very desirous of hearing my adventures, which I assured him I had not time
to relate, but told him in general, my circumstances were very good, and that I
hoped to see him when I should not be in such a hurry as at present. He insisted,
however, on my staying breakfast, and introduced me to his wife, who seemed to
be a decent sensible woman, pretty well stricken in years. In the course of our
conversation, he showed the sleeve-buttons I had exchanged with him at our
parting in the West Indies, and was not a little proud to see that I had preserved
his with the same care. When I informed him of Mackshane’s condition, he
seemed at first to exult over his distress; but, after a little recollection, said,
“Well, he has paid for his malice; I forgife him, and may Cot forgife him
likewise.” He expressed great concern for the soul of Captain Oakum, which he
believed was now gnashing its teeth; but it was some time before I could
convince him of Thompson’s being alive, at whose good fortune, nevertheless,
he was extremely glad.
Having renewed our protestations of friendship, I bade the honest Welshman
and his spouse farewell, and, taking post-horses, arrived at London that same
night, where I found my father in good health, to whom I imparted what I had
learned of Narcissa. This indulgent parent approved of my intention of marrying
her, even without fortune, provided her brother’s consent could not be obtained;
promised to make over to me in a few days a sufficiency to maintain her in a
fashionable manner and expressed a desire of seeing this amiable creature, who
had captivated me so much. As I had not slept the night before, and was besides
fatigued with my journey, I found myself under a necessity of taking some
repose, and went to bed accordingly: next morning, about ten o’clock, took a
chair, and according to Mrs. Sagely’s directions, went to my charmer’s lodgings,
and inquired for Miss Williams. I had not waited in the parlour longer than a
minute, when this young woman entered, and no sooner perceived me, than she
shrieked and ran backward: but I got between her and the door, and clasping her
in my arms, brought her to herself with an embrace. “Good heaven,” cried she,
“Mr. Random, is it you indeed? My mistress will run distracted with joy.” I told
her, it was from an apprehension that my sudden appearance might have had
some bad effect on my dear Narcissa, that I had desired to see her first, in order
to concert some method of acquainting her mistress gradually with my arrival.
She approved of my conduct, and, after having yielded to the suggestions of her
own friendship, in asking if my voyage had been successful, charged herself
with that office, and left me glowing with desire of seeing and embracing the
object of my love. In a very little time I heard some body coming down the stairs
in haste, and the voice of my angel pronounce, with an eager tone, “O heaven! is
it possible! where is he?” How were my faculties aroused at this well known
sound! and how was my soul transported when she broke in upon my view in all
the bloom of ripened beauty! Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye, in
every gesture dignity and love! You, whose souls are susceptible of the most
delicate impressions, whose tender bosoms have felt the affecting vicissitudes of
love, who have suffered an absence of eighteen long months from the dear object
of your hope, and found at your return the melting fair as kind and constant as
your heart can wish, do me justice on this occasion, and conceive what
unutterable rapture possessed us both, while we flew into each other’s arms!
This was no time for speech: locked in a mutual embrace, we continued some
minutes in a silent trance of joy! When I thus encircled all my soul held dear—
while I hung over her beauties—beheld her eyes sparkle, and every feature flush
with virtuous fondness—when I saw her enchanting bosom heave with
undissembled rapture, and knew myself the happy cause—heavens! what was
my situation! I am tempted to commit my paper to the flames, and to renounce
my pen for ever, because its most ardent and lucky expression so poorly
describes the emotions of my soul. “O adorable Narcissa!” cried I, “O miracle of
beauty, love and truth! I at last fold thee in my arms! I at last can call thee mine!
No jealous brother shall thwart our happiness again; fortune hath at length
recompensed me for all my sufferings, and enabled me to do justice to my love.”
The dear creature smiled ineffably charmingly, and, with a look of bewitching
tenderness, said, “and shall we never part again?” “Never,” I replied, “thou
wondrous pattern of all earthly perfection! never, until death shall divide us! By
this ambrosial kiss, a thousand times more fragrant than the breeze that sweeps
the orange grove, I never more will leave thee!”
As my first transport abated, my passion grew turbulent and unruly. I was
giddy with standing on the brink of bliss, and all my virtue and philosophy were
scarce sufficient to restrain the inordinate sallies of desire. Narcissa perceived
the conflict within me, and with her usual dignity of prudence, called off my
imagination from the object in view, and with eager expressions of interested
curiosity, desired to know the particulars of my voyage. In this I gratified her
inclination, bringing my story down to the present hour. She was infinitely
surprised at the circumstance of finding my father, which brought tears into her
lovely eyes. She was transported at hearing that approved of my flame,
discovered a longing desire of being introduced to him, congratulated herself
and me upon my good fortune, and observed, that this great and unexpected
stroke of fate seemed to have been brought about by the immediate direction of
Providence. Having entertained ourselves some hours with the genuine effusions
of our souls, I obtained her consent to complete my happiness as soon as my
father should judge it proper; and, applying with my own hands a valuable
necklace, composed of diamonds and amethysts set alternately, which an old
Spanish lady at Paraguay had presented me with, I took my leave, promising to
return in the afternoon with Don Rodrigo. When I went home, this generous
parent inquired very affectionately about the health of my dear Narcissa, to
whom, that I might be the more agreeable, he put into my hand a deed, by which
I found myself in possession of fifteen thousand pounds, exclusive of the profits
of my own merchandise, which amounted to three thousand more. After dinner I
accompanied him to the lodgings of my mistress, who, being dressed for the
occasion, made a most dazzling appearance. I could perceive him struck with her
figure, which I really think was the most beautiful that ever was created under
the sun. He embraced her tenderly, and told her he was proud of having a son
who had spirit to attempt, and qualifications to engage the affections of such a
fine lady. She blushed at this compliment, and, with eyes full of the softest
languishment turned upon me, said, she should have been unworthy of Mr.
Random’s attention, had she been blind to his extraordinary merit. I made no
other answer than a low bow. My father, sighing, pronounced, “Such was once
my Charlotte;” while the tear rushed into his eye, and the tender heart of
Narcissa manifested itself in two precious drops of sympathy, which, but for his
presence, I would have kissed away. Without repeating the particulars of our
conversation, I shall only observe, that Don Rodrigo was as much charmed with
her good sense as with her appearance, and she was no less pleased with his
understanding and polite address. It was determined that he should write to the
squire, signifying his approbation of my passion for his sister, and offering a
settlement, which he should have no reason to reject; and that, if he should
refuse the proposal, we would crown our mutual wishes without any further
regard to his will.
 CHAPTER LXVIII

My Father makes a present to Narcissa—the Letter is dispatched

to her Brother—I appear among my Acquaintance—Banter’s
Behaviour—the Squire refuses his Consent—my Uncle comes
to Town—approves of my Choice—I am married—we meet the
Squire and his Lady at the Play—our Acquaintance is courted

After having spent the evening to the satisfaction of all present, my father
addressed himself thus to Narcissa. “Madam, give me leave to consider you
hereafter as my daughter, in which capacity I insist upon your accepting this first
instance of my paternal duty and affection.” With these words he put into her
hand a bank note of five hundred pounds, which she no sooner examined, than
with a low courtesy she replied. “Dear sir, though I have not the least occasion
for this supply, I have too great a veneration for you to refuse this proof of your
generosity and esteem, which I the more freely receive, because I already look
upon Mr. Random’s interest as inseparably connected with mine.” He was
extremely well pleased with her frank and ingenuous reply, upon which we
saluted, and wished her good night. The letter, at my request, was dispatched to
Sussex by an express, and in the meantime, Don Rodrigo, to grace my nuptials,
hired a ready furnished house, and set up a very handsome equipage.
Though I passed the greatest part of the day with the darling of my soul, I
found leisure sometimes to be among my former acquaintance, who were
astonished at the magnificence of my appearance. Banter in particular was
confounded at the vicissitudes of my fortune, the causes of which he
endeavoured in vain to discover, until I thought fit to disclose the whole secret of
my last voyage, partly in consideration of our former intimacy, and partly to
prevent unfavourable conjectures, which he and others, in all probability, would
have made in regard to my circumstances. He professed great satisfaction at this
piece of news; and I had no cause to believe him insincere, when I considered
that he would now look upon himself as acquitted of the debt he owed me, and at
the same time flatter himself with the hopes of borrowing more. I carried him
home to dinner with me, and my father liked his conversation so much, that,
upon hearing his difficulties, he desired me to accommodate him for the present,
and inquire, if he would accept of a commission in the army, towards the
purchase of which he should willingly lend him money. Accordingly, I gave my
friend an opportunity of being alone with me, when, as I expected, he told me
that he was just on the point of being reconciled to an old rich uncle, whose heir
he was, but wanted a few pieces for immediate expense, which he desired I
would lend him and take my bond for the whole. His demand was limited to ten
guineas; and when I put twenty in his hand, he stared at me for some moments;
then, putting it into his purse, “Ay,—’tis all one—you shall have the whole in a
very short time.” When I had taken his note, to save the expense of a bond, I
expressed some surprise that a fellow of his spirit should loiter away his time in
idleness, and, asked why he did not choose to make his fortune in the army.
“What,” said he, “throw away money upon a subaltern’s commission, and be
under the command of a parcel of scoundrels, who have raised themselves above
me by the most infamous practices. No, I love independency too well to sacrifice
my life, health, and pleasure, for such a pitiful consideration.” Finding him
adverse to this way of life, I changed the subject, and returned to Don Rodrigo,
who had just received the following epistle from the squire:

“Sir,—Concerning a letter which I received, subscribed R.

Random, this is the answer. As for you, I know nothing of you.
Your son, or pretended son, I have seen; if he marries my sister,
at his peril be it; I do declare that he shall not have one farthing
of her fortune, which becomes my property, if she takes a
husband without my consent. Your settlement, I do believe, is all
a sham, and yourself no better than you should be; but if you
had all the wealth of the Indies, your son shall never match in
our family with the consent of
“Orson Topehall”

My father was not much surprised at this polite letter, after having heard the
character of the author; and as for me, I was even pleased at his refusal, because
I had now an opportunity of showing my disinterested love. By his permission I
waited on my charmer: and having imparted the contents of her brother’s letter,
at which she wept bitterly, in spite of all my consolation and caresses, the time of
our marriage was fixed two days. During this interval, in which my soul was
wound up to the last stretch of rapturous expectation, Narcissa endeavoured to
reconcile some of her relations in town to her marriage with me; but, finding
them all deaf to her remonstrances, either out of envy or prejudice, she told me
with the most enchanting sweetness, while the tears bedewed her lovely cheeks,
“Sure the world will no longer question your generosity when you take a poor
forlorn beggar to your arms?” Affected with her sorrow, I pressed the fair
mourner to my breast, and swore that she was more dear and welcome on that
account, because she had sacrificed her friends and fortune to her love for me.
My uncle, for whose character she had a great veneration, being by this time
come to town, I introduced him to my bride; and, although he was not very much
subject to refined sensations, he was struck dumb with admiration at her beauty.
After having kissed and gazed at her for some time, he turned to me, saying.
“Odds bobs, Rory! a notable prize indeed, finely built and gloriously rigged,
i’faith! If she an’t well manned when you take the command of her, sirrah, you
deserve to go to sea in a cockle shell. No offence, I hope, niece! you must not
mind what I say, being (as the saying is) a plain seafaring man, though mayhap I
have as much regard for you as another.” She received him with great civility,
told him she had longed a great while to see a person to whom she was so much
indebted for his generosity to Mr. Random; that she looked upon him as her
uncle, by which name she begged leave to call him for the future; and that she
was very sure he could say nothing that would give her the least offence. The
honest captain was transported at her courteous behaviour, and insisted upon
giving her away at the ceremony, swearing that he loved her as well as if she was
his own child, and that he would give two thousand guineas to the first fruit of
our love, as soon as it would squeak. Everything being settled for the
solemnisation of our nuptials, which were to be performed privately at my
father’s house, the auspicious hour arrived, when Don Rodrigo and my uncle
went in the coach to fetch the bride and Miss Williams: leaving me with a
parson, Banter, and Strap, neither of whom had as yet seen my charming
mistress. My faithful valet, who was on the rack of impatience to behold a lady
of whom he had heard so much, no sooner understood that the coach was
returned, than he placed himself at a window, to have a peep at her as she
alighted; and, when he saw her, clapped his hands together, turned up the white
of his eyes, and, with his mouth wide open, remained in a sort of ecstacy, which
broke out into “O Dea certe! qualis in Eurotae ripis, aut per iuga Cynthi exercet
Diana choros?” The doctor and Banter were surprised to hear my man speak
Latin; but when my father led Narcissa into the room, the object of their
admiration was soon changed, as appeared in the countenances of both. Indeed,
they must have been the most insensible of all beings, could they have beheld
without emotion the divine creature that approached! She was dressed in a sack
of white satin, embroidered on the breast with gold, the crown of her head was
covered with a small French cap, from whence descended her beautiful hair in
ringlets that waved upon her snowy neck, which dignified the necklace I had
given her; her looks glowed with modesty and love; and her bosom, through the
veil of gauze that shaded it, afforded a prospect of Elysium! I received this
inestimable gift of Providence as became me; and in a little time the clergyman
did his office, my uncle, at his own earnest request, acting the part of a father to
my dear Narcissa, who trembled very much, and had scarce spirits sufficient to
support her under this great change of situation. Soon as she was mine by the
laws or heaven and earth, I printed a burning kiss upon her lips; my father
embraced her tenderly, my uncle hugged her with great affection, and I presented
her to my friend Banter, who saluted her in a very polite manner; Miss Williams
hung round her neck, and went plentifully; while Strap fell upon his knees, and
begged to kiss his lady’s hand, which she presented with great affability. I shall
not pretend to describe my own feelings at this juncture; let it suffice to say that
having supped and entertained ourselves till ten o’clock, I cautioned my
Narcissa against exposing her health by sitting up too late, and she was prevailed
upon to withdraw with her maid to an apartment destined for us. When she left
the room, her face overspread with a blush that set all my blood in a state of
fermentation, and made every pulse beat with tenfold vigour! She was so cruel
as to let me remain in this condition a full half-hour: when, no longer able to
restrain my impatience, I broke from the company, burst into her chamber,
pushed out her confidante, and locked the door, and found her—O heaven and
earth!—a feast a thousand times more delicious than my most sanguine hopes
presaged! But, let me not profane the chaste mysteries of Hymen. I was the
happiest of men!
 In the morning I was awaked by three or four drums, which Banter had placed
under the window; upon which I withdrew the curtain, and enjoyed the
unspeakable satisfaction of contemplating those angelic charms which were now
in my possession! Beauty! which, whether sleeping or awake, shot forth peculiar
graces! The light darting upon my Narcissa’s eyes, she awoke also, and
recollecting her situation, hid her blushes in my bosom. I was distracted with
joy! I could not believe the evidence of my senses, and looked upon all that had
happened as the fictions of a dream! In the meantime my uncle knocked at the
door, and bade me turn out, for I had had a long spell. I rose accordingly, and
sent Miss Williams to her mistress, myself receiving the congratulation of
Captain Bowling, who rallied me in his sea phrase with great success. In less
than an hour, Don Rodrigo led my wife into breakfast, where she received the
compliments of the company on her looks, which, they said, if possible, were
improved by matrimony. As her delicate ears were offended with none of those
indecent ambiguities which are too often spoken on such occasions, she behaved
with dignity, unaffected modesty, and ease; and, as a testimony of my affection
and esteem, I presented her, in presence of them all, with a deed, by which I
settled the whole fortune I was possessed of on her and her heirs for ever. She
accepted it with a glance of most tender acknowledgment, observed, that she
could not be surprised at anything of this kind I should do, and desired my father
to take the trouble of keeping it, saying, “Next to my own Mr. Random, you are
the person in whom I ought to have the greatest confidence.” Charmed with her
prudent and ingenuous manner of proceeding, he took the paper, and assured her
that it should not lose its value while in his custody.
As we had not many visits to give and receive, the little time we stayed in
town was spent in going to public diversions, where I have the vanity to think
Narcissa was seldom eclipsed. One night, in particular, we sent our footman to
keep one of the stage boxes, which we no sooner entered, than we perceived in
the opposite box the squire and his lady, who seemed not a little surprised at
seeing us. I was pleased at this opportunity of confronting them; the more,
because Melinda was robbed of all her admirers by my wife, who happened that
night to outshine her sister both in beauty and dress. She was piqued at
Narcissa’s victory, tossed her head a thousand different ways, flirted her fan,
looked at us with disdain, then whispered to her husband, and broke out into an
affected giggle; but all her arts proved ineffectual, either to discompose Mrs.
Random, or to conceal her own mortification, which at length forced her away
long before the play was done. The news of our marriage being spread, with
many circumstances to our disadvantage, by the industry of this malignant
creature, a certain set of persons fond of scandal began to inquire into the
particulars of my fortune, which they no sooner understood to be independent,
than the tables were turned, and our acquaintance was courted as much as it had
been despised before: but she had too much dignity of pride to encourage this
change of conduct, especially in her relations, whom she could never be
prevailed upon to see, after the malicious reports they had raised to her
prejudice.
 CHAPTER LXIX

My father intends to revisit the Place of his Nativity—we

propose to accompany him—my Uncle renews his will in my
favour, determining to go to sea again—we set out for Scotland
—arrive at Edinburgh—purchase our paternal Estate—proceed
to it—halt at the Town where I was educated—take up my bond
to Crab—the Behaviour of Potion and his Wife, and one of our
Female Cousins—our Reception at the Estate—Strap marries
Miss Williams, and is settled by my Father to his own
satisfaction—I am more and more happy.

My father intending to revisit his native country, and pay the tribute of a few
tears at my mother’s grave, Narcissa and I resolved to accompany him in the
execution of his pious office, and accordingly prepared for the journey, in which,
however, my uncle would not engage, being resolved to try his fortune once
more at sea. In the meantime he renewed his will in favour of my wife and me,
and deposited it in the hands of his brother-in-law: while I (that I might not be
wanting to my own interest) summoned the squire to produce his father’s will at
Doctors’ Commons, and employed a proctor to manage the affair in my absence.
Everything being thus settled, we took leave of all our friends in London, and
set out for Scotland, Don Rodrigo, Narcissa, Miss Williams, and I, in the coach,
and Strap, with two men in livery, on horseback; as we made easy stages, my
charmer held it out very well, till we arrived at Edinburgh, where we proposed to
rest ourselves some weeks.
Here Don Rodrigo having intelligence that the foxhunter had spoilt his estate,
which was to be exposed to sale by public auction, he determined to make a
purchase of the spot where he was born, and actually bought all the land that
belonged to his father.
In a few days after this bargain was made, we left Edinburgh, in order to go
and take possession; and by the way halted one night in that town where I was
educated. Upon inquiry, I found that Mr. Crab was dead; whereupon I sent for
his executor, paid the sum I owed with interest, and took up my bond. Mr. Potion
and his wife, hearing of my arrival, had the assurance to come to the inn where
we lodged, and send up their names, with the desire of being permitted to pay
their respects to my father and me: but their sordid behaviour towards me, when
I was an orphan, had made too deep an impression on my mind to be effaced by
this mean mercenary piece of condescension: I therefore rejected their message
with disdain, and bade Strap tell them, that my father and I desired to have no
communication with such low-minded wretches as they were.
They had not been gone half-an-hour, when a woman, without any ceremony,
opened the door of the room where we sat, and, making towards my father,
accosted him with, “Uncle, your servant—I am glad to see you.” This was no
other than one of my female cousins, mentioned in the first part of my memoirs,
to whom Don Rodrigo replied, “Pray, who are you, madam?” “Oh!” cried she,
“my cousin Rory there knows me very well. Don’t you remember me, Rory?”
“Yes, madam,” said I; “for my own part, I shall never forget you. Sir, this is one
of the young ladies, who (as I have formerly told you) treated me so humanely in
my childhood!” When I pronounced these words, my father’s resentment glowed
in his visage, and he ordered her to be gone, with such a commanding aspect,
that she retired in a fright, muttering curses as she went downstairs. We
afterwards learned that she was married to an ensign, who had already spent all
her fortune; and that her sister had borne a child to her mother’s footman, who is
now her husband, and keeps a petty alehouse in the country.
The fame of our flourishing condition having arrived at this place before us,
we got notice that the magistrates intended next day to compliment us with the
freedom of their town; upon which my father, considering their complaisance in
the right point of view, ordered the horses to the coach early in the morning.
We proceeded to our estate, which lay about twenty miles from this place;
and, when we came within half-a-league of the house, were met by a prodigious
number of poor tenants, men, women, and children, who testified their joy by
loud acclamations, and accompanied our coach to the gate. As there is no part of
the world in which the peasants are more attached to their lords than in Scotland,
we were almost devoured by their affections. My father had always been their
favourite, and now that he appeared their master, after having been thought dead
so long, their joy broke out into a thousand extravagances. When we entered the
court yard, we were surrounded by a vast number, who crowded together so
closely to see us that several were in danger of being squeezed to death; those
who were near Don Rodrigo fell upon their knees, and kissed his hand, or the
hem of his garment, praying aloud for long life and prosperity to him; others
approached Narcissa and me in the same manner; while the rest clapped their
hands at a distance, and invoked heaven to shower its choicest blessings on our
heads! In short, the whole scene, though rude, was so affecting, that the gentle
partner of my heart wept over it, and my father himself could not refrain from
dropping a tear.
Having welcomed his daughter and me to his house, he ordered some bullocks
to be killed, and some hogsheads of ale to be brought from the neighbouring
village, to regale these honest people, who had not enjoyed such a holiday for
many years before.
Next day we were visited by the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, most of
them our relations, one of whom brought along my cousin, the foxhunter, who
had stayed at his house since he was obliged to leave his own! My father was
generous enough to receive him kindly, and even promised to purchase for him a
commission in the army, for which he expressed great thankfulness and joy.
My charming Narcissa was universally admired and loved for her beauty,
affability, and good sense; and so well pleased with the situation of the place,
and the company round, that she has not as yet discovered the least desire of
changing her habitation.
We had not been many days settled, when I prevailed upon my father to pay a
visit to the village where I had been at school. Here we were received by the
principal inhabitants, who entertained us in the church, where Mr. Syntax the
schoolmaster (my tyrant being dead) pronounced a Latin oration in honour of
our family. And none exerted themselves more than Strap’s father and relations,
who looked upon the honest valet as the first gentleman of their race, and
honoured his benefactors accordingly. Having received the homage of this place,
we retired, leaving forty pounds for the benefit of the poor of the parish; and that
very night, Strap being a little elevated with the regard that had been shown to
him, and to me on his account, ventured to tell me, that he had a sneaking
kindness for Miss Williams, and that, if his lady and I would use our interest in
his behalf, he did not doubt that she would listen to his addresses. Surprised at
this proposal, I asked if he knew the story of that unfortunate young
gentlewoman; upon which he replied, “Yes, yes, I know what you mean—she
has been unhappy, I grant you—but what of that? I am convinced of her
reformation; or else you and my good lady would not treat her with such respect.
As for the censure of the world, I value it not a fig’s end—besides, the world
knows nothing of the matter.” I commended his philosophy, and interested
Narcissa in his cause; who interceded so effectually, that in a little time Miss
Williams yielded her consent, and they were married at the approbation of Don
Rodrigo, who gave him five hundred pounds to stock a farm, and made him
overseer of his estate. My generous bedfellow gave her maid the same sum; so
that they live in great peace and plenty within half-a-mile of us, and daily put up
prayers for our preservation.
If there be such a thing as true happiness on earth, I enjoy it. The impetuous
transports of my passion are now settled and mellowed into endearing fondness
and tranquillity of love, rooted by that intimate connection and interchange of
hearts which nought but virtuous wedlock can produce. Fortune seems
determined to make ample amends for her former cruelty, for my proctor writes
that, notwithstanding the clause in my father-in-law’s will, on which the squire
founds his claim, I shall certainly recover my wife’s fortune, in consequence of a
codicil annexed, which explains that clause, and limits her restriction to the age
of nineteen, after which she was at her own disposal. I would have set out for
London immediately after receiving this piece of intelligence, but my dear angel
has been qualmish of late, and begins to grow remarkably round in the waist; so
that I cannot leave her in such an interesting situation, which I hope will produce
something to crown my felicity.

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES

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