THE AGONY by Philile Thusi

The Agony

By Philile Thusi (the writer of Nobuhle Her

Story)

a message to everyone…

you’re not alone.

Insert 1

“you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are grey,

you’ll never know dear how much I love

you..so please don’t take my sunshine

away. I love you princess.”

Those are the words that have finally

lived with me after my dad died. Pain.

That is one thing that I finally got used to.

Happiness. I smile a lot. But that’s all, just

a smile and there’s a lot behind it.

Amanda: wakey wakey!

She throws me with a pillow.

Me: Christ! I’m awake.

Amanda: Wow. Not a “thank you Amanda

for waking me up and saving me from

getting fired again”, huh?

Yes, again. I work at Rock’s and I’m

always late, I even got fired but a day

didn’t even last, I got a call from my boss

telling me that she needed me back.

Rock’s is nothing without me. It’s kind of

a café-restaurant typa thing. I dragged

myself out of the blankets, sitting up

straight and already Amanda was facing

me, with a mug in her hand. She’s my

roommate and more of a sister to me.

She has her own room, I have my own.

Please, I love my own space.

Me: Where were you last night?

I asked her whilst putting on my slippers.

She looked at me and took a sip of her

coffee.

Amanda: A girl doesn’t kiss and tell.

Me: Mxm.
I headed to the bathroom and took a

quick shower. I wore my blue boyfriend

Jean with a black t-shirt and my black

sneakers. I tied my braids into a loose

bun. If you’re wondering, I don’t wear

make up. Amanda has tried teaching me a

zillion times and I always struggle when I

have to do it on my own. I can do edges

though, that’s a count. I took my handbag

and cellphone.
Amanda: aren’t you eating?

Me: I’m already late bae. I’ll see you later.

Amanda: Love you!

Me: Hate you!

I headed out. I work just down the street,

that is why I never panic when I’m late.

Music was already playing, my employees

were already there. Yucks, I need to get

to the backroom quickly before my boss

sees me. I went to my locker, placed my

things there, took out my apron and

locked it. As I was heading out, my boss

was approaching the room. With that

short dyed blonde hair, a bit fat and dark

skinned. I don’t get her style you know.

Today she’s wearing a green blouse with

yellow pants and sandals. I mean, who

wears that?

Cassandra: Nandi, you’re late.

Me: I was…

Yeah, I was still cooking my lies.

Me: I was babysitting my sister’s baby

and she couldn’t stop crying so..

Cassandra: Enough with your lies. Just..go

to work.

Me: Yes Cassandra.

I excused myself and took a deep breath

afterwards.

Boikanyo was already taking orders from

people.

Me: I’ll take over from here.

Boikanyo: Thank God you’re here. Let me

start by serving those hot gentlemen

there.

Me: Are they even hot?

Boikanyo: They look loaded though.

Money and hot are synonyms.

I laughed at what he just said.

Me: Wow, you my brother, you are crazy.

Boikanyo is gay but not really out of the

closet. He’s my friend at work and outside

of work.
He headed to the kitchen. I took an order

from this other white lady and gave her,

her order number. After a minute or two,

this other guy made his way in. He

headed straight to the Yara counter bar

stool that was a step aside from me. He

smelled good, brown skinned, tall with a

tiny beard. Not really tiny, but you should

know what I mean. He wasn’t even

looking at me. This man was here

physically but mentally, he was very far.

Planet pluto. Is he ordering something?

Should I ask him?

Me: Good morning Sir, welcome at Rock’s

how can I help you?

He shot me with his brown eyes. There

was also something about his look. It was

the “I’m not your friend” look. It made me

a bit uncomfortable and scared. Okay

bitch, why are you scared? Urgh man, I

hate my feelings sometimes.

Him: I want nothing.

Okay but why is he sitting here if he isn’t

ordering something? There was just

something about his presence.

I wanted to break this awkwardness

between us by all means.

Me: Are you good?

He shot me with those brown eyes again

and slightly nodded.

Me: You sure? Because in..

Him: Aren’t you suppose to be taking

orders, moping the floors or something?

Easy Mr Brown Eyes.

Me: That was a bit exorbitant of you, you

know.

I just rolled my eyes and left him there. I

went to the bathroom and when I came

back, Mr Brown Eyes was gone.

Boikanyo: I see you!

He gave me that silly smile.

Me: You see me?

Boikanyo: You heard me. With that guy. I

saw you guys talking.

Me: Mxm. He was very mean to me you

know.

He laughed.

Boikanyo: Someone finally got their own

taste of medicine.

Me: What? I’m very nice.

The time went by really fast and it was

already 5pm and it was our time to knock

off.

Boikanyo: Yoo you should’ve seen him.

He was killing me with his jokes and

crazy stories.

Boikanyo: And I felt like a real diva.

Me: Yes! You are!

Boikanyo: Nathi really doesn’t know me.

He went out of a grey GTI and was

approaching us. Boikanyo was still talking

and my mind was somewhere else. Is he

really coming here?

Him: Sanibona. (Hello.)

Boikanyo: Hello.

I just kept quiet and looked at him. It was

the one and only Mr Brown Eyes who was

extremely rude for no reason. He was just

looking at us.
Me: Don’t you have something to do like

excusing yourself or something?

He chuckled.

Boikanyo: yo, I’ll see you chomi. (friend)

Boikanyo crossed the street to catch a

taxi.

Him: That was extremely exorbitant, don’t

you think?

Me: Bhuti, ungichithela isikhathi. (Sir,

you’re wasting my time.)

Him: Uh, can I walk with you?

Me: Because?

Him: Nothing much, just a walk.

Me: I have my own two legs that function

very well and thank you, I’d like to walk

by myself.

I left him there. Maybe I was too mean

but he totally deserved it.

Insert 2
I was extremely tired. I plugged the kettle

and took off my shoes. Amanda was

looking all glamorous with those heals.

She always looks like this but I never get

over this look. She also works down the

street in a club, then they call her for

photo shoots, that’s where she gets her

extra money.

Amanda: Okay I’m heading out.

Me: Please be safe.

Amanda: Awukahle Nandi nge drama.

(Stop it right there Nandi with your

drama.)

Me: Love you!

Amanda: Hate you!

Now I’m alone. I hate being alone

because that’s when everything come

backs. I went to my bedroom and threw

myself on the bed. Tears started

streaming down my face. I honestly wish

my dad was here, maybe I would have

real direction with my life. Maybe

somethings wouldn’t have happened.

Almost getting raped, being ill-treated by

my own mom, wanting to kill myself, it

ALL CAME BACK.

I don’t want to do it! I don’t want to do it!

I don’t want to do it! I repeated the same

thing but it just didn’t make sense, I

wanted to do it. I stood up and opened

my closet. I took it out and set on top of

the bed. I promised Amanda that I wasn’t

gonna do it again but here I am, holding

a scissor. I looked at my left arm and

placed the scissor there with tears

streaming down my face. I started

scratching my left forearm with the

scissor, taking out every emotion out on

it. As soon as I started bleeding I

stopped. Doing this was very wrong, yet I

wanted to do it. I wanted to distress, I

wanted to feel something different, I

wanted to feel physical pain. I ran to the

bathroom and rinsed my arm on the

basin, with blood gushing out. I closed

the tap and looked at myself in the

mirror. I felt so ashamed. This is what I’ve

become? A pretending ass bitch that self

harms herself? I hated this. I rinsed my

face.
I placed the scissor back on the closet

and headed to the kitchen. I made myself

some tea. I took a shower and wore my

pj’s. I checked the time and it was already

7pm and it started raining. I switched on

the TV and was scrolling through the

channels when I heard a knock. I went to

open and I couldn’t believe what I was

seeing. Mr Brown Eyes. How did he know

that I live here?

Me: What are you doing here?

He was very wet, hence it was raining.

Him: Can I come inside because it’s cold

out here?

I folded my arms and looked at him.

Me: And what does that have to do with

me?

Him: Please.

I sighed and opened the door wider and

he made his way in and I closed the door.

Me: If you’re planning on killing me just

know that I have a bestfriend that really

needs me and if I die, she’ll be depressed

and probably die too.

He chuckled.

Me: I’m serious.

Him: Why would I kill you?

Me: I don’t know.

Him: Your bestfriend’s lucky, what about

your family?

Me: Uhm, do you want water, tea, coffee?

Him: Tea is okay.

I ignored his question on purpose, I don’t

like talking about my family.

He made his way to the dining room and I

boiled the kettle.

Me: how many teaspoons of sugar?

Him: one.

Me: really?

Him: yeah.
It can never be me. When I make tea, I

make sure that I add sugar. It can be six

teaspoons, I don’t care. I placed the tea

on the saucer, just like my dad taught me.

I handed him the tea and sat next to him.

Him: Thank you.

Me: Sure.

He took the first sip.

Me: Now tell me, how did you know that I

live here?
He placed the tea on the table and gave

me his full attention.

Him: I went inside every room in this

town looking for you.

Me: I’m serious.

Him: You like saying you’re serious even

when you’re not.

Okay, maybe that’s a fact. I hate being

serious because I’m a huge weirdo.

Me: But I am serious.

I just smiled.

Him: See?

We both laughed.

Me: But seriously, how did you know?

Him: I followed you and I’ve been parking

outside.

Me: Doing what?

Him: Thinking of what I was going to say

to you. You really give me gooses, so I

had to practice.

Me: You can say that about you.

Him: I give you gooses?

Me: Did I say that?

He chuckled. That’s all he does, chuckles.

Me: Why were you so mean to me this

morning?

His face instantly changed into a sad face.

Him: About that, I’m really sorry. I’ll make

it up to you though.

He stood up.

Him: Are you free tomorrow?

I also stood up.

Me: Depends.

Him: Tomorrow, 8pm. Have a goodnight.

He headed to the door.

Me: Hey, what’s your name?

He looked at me.

Him: Menzi. Menzi Mdletshe.

He headed out.

Insert 3

Sunday. I don’t work on Sundays. That’s

the only great thing about Sundays. I was

still in my blankies when Amanda made

her way in with a tray.

Amanda: Breakfast in beeed!

Me: Urgh man, what on earth did I do to

deserve you?

She made me pancakes, with syrup,

blueberries, whipped cream and sliced

apples. Just the way I like it.

Me: Thanks.
She handed me the tray and looked at my

left arm, then me.

Amanda: What happened? Don’t tell me

you did it.

Me: No, uhm.. I scratched myself by the

gate.

I know she didn’t believe me but I had to

come up with a lie.

Me: I’m serious Amanda.

Amanda: Okay. Just don’t it please, I don’t

wanna lose you.

Me: I promise.

I took a bite.

Amanda: Well, I registered for Blaze

Talents and hopefully they’ll take me.

Me: What? Amanda that is great news.

Blaze Talents is a modeling show that she

has always dreamed of entering for ages.

Me: Bitch I’m happy for you. Come here.

She hugged me.

Amanda: But what if they don’t take me?

Me: Uh.uh, they will take you. You are

smart, beautiful and the world needs to

see that.

Amanda: Funny how my mom said the

same thing this morning.

Me: Really?

Amanda: Yeah. You didn’t even brush

your teeth Nandi.

Me: So?

Amanda: Didn’t you learn that in primary?

Brush your teeth before eating.

Me: Whatever.

I continued eating.

Amanda: Thank you.

I smiled at her. Amanda is my family, my

world.

…………………….

We were cuddling together inside the

blankets in the dining room, eating

popcorns, watching TV.

Amanda: You know, I need to get myself

a white guy.

Me: Hawu? (Really?)

Amanda: Yes.

Me: It’s not really a bad idea, having a

colored baby.

Amanda: Oh my goodness..name ideas?

Me: Kylie?

Amanda: Boring.

Me: Kanti wena ufuna ini? Those crazy

colored names? Abo Tituma?

We both laughed.

Amanda: Have you ever heard of a name

like that?

Me: Yes!

We both laughed our asses out.

Amanda: Who named you Nandi?

Me: My mom.

My mood just changed. Just a thought of

her drives me crazy.

Amanda: You have to forgive her you

know.

Me: How can I forgive a person that knew

nothing about forgiveness? She blamed

me for my father’s death. I mean how did

I know that we were going to get into a

car accident that day Amanda? I was only

seven for God’s sake.

Amanda: I know but don’t you think your

father would’ve wanted you to forgive

her?
Me: Amanda I get it that you and your

mom have a beautiful relationship, your

mom’s perfect right? But that doesn’t

mean that we all want that.

Amanda: Who on earth wouldn’t want to

have a great relationship with their mom

Nandi?

Me: Me! Me Amanda!

She just looked at me.

Me: I need to take a shower.

I placed the popcorns on the table and

headed to the bathroom. I took my own

time showering. I wore my pj’s and chilled

on my bedroom, listening to music and

reading a book.

Amanda came in and stood by the door,

with the door half opened.

Amanda: Who’s cooking?

Me: You.

Amanda: No, I cooked yesterday.

Me: You’re talking about that salad that

you made?

Amanda: It’s food.

Me: Chopped chedah cheese, brocolli,

cauliflower, cucumber, you call that

cooking?

Amanda: Yes.

Me: I’ll cook Amanda.

Amanda: I’m sorry.

Me: For?

She climbed the bed.

Amanda: Earlier on.

Me: I’m also sorry.

Amanda: Come here.

We hugged.

Me: Okay, now please leave my room.

Amanda: Urgh, you such a poop.

Me: Oh wow, thank you poop.

She smiled at me then went out.

I read the other two chapters of the book

that I’m currently reading, Verity. I

checked the time and it was already 7pm.

I stood up and headed to the kitchen. I

made Mac and cheese, while listening to

music on Trace Urban. They were playing

my faves today, Charlie Puth, The

Weeknd, Selena Gomez. As I was rinsing

my utensils on the sink, I heard a knock.

Me: Amanda! Are you expecting anyone?

She shouted from her bedroom.

Amanda: No!

I went to open the door and it was Menzi.

Menzi: Hey.

He was holding flowers.

Me: Hi.

He made his way in. He looked very

simple but nice. He was wearing green

tracksuits with white sneakers and a

watch which looked a bit expensive, he

even had a fresh haircut.

Menzi: Here, these are yours.

He handed me the flowers.

Me: Uhm, thanks. I like them.

Menzi: Are you seriously wearing

pajamas?

Me: I forgot, sorry. Let me go get ready. I

ran to Amanda’s bedroom.

Amanda: Yini? Uright? (What is it? Are

you okay?)

Me: No. I have a date and I need to be

ready.

Amanda: A date? Jesus, you’re going on a

date!
Me: Shhh, he’s in the dining room.

Amanda: What?!

Me: Amanda!

I shook my head.

Amanda: Okay, so what are you wearing?

Me: What do people wear to dates?

Amanda: Jesus Christ, I forgot that you’ve

never been on a date before. She’s going

on her first date!

I squeezed my eyes out of

embarrassment.
Me: I don’t know what you’re doing but

you’re embarrassing me.

Amanda: Whatever.

She opened her closet and took out a her

white puff sleeve blue floral print tight

dress.

Amanda: Wear this.

I wore it and she already had her make

up set with her.

Me: No make up, please.

Amanda: I’ll do a soft touch, you will like

it.

She did her thing and styled my braids.

She did some edges.

Amanda: Go get your white heals.

Me: Which ones?

Amanda: The ones we bought at Mr Price.

Me: Oh.

I fetched them and she helped me wear

them. I looked at myself in the mirror and

I was looking segzyyy.

We went out of the bedroom and headed

to the dining room. He was watching TV.

When he saw me, he instantly stood up

and froze.

Me: Uh Menzi, this is Amanda, Amanda

this is Menzi.

Amanda: Nice to meet you Menzi. You

better bring her before eleven or I’ll lock

the burglar. Have fun!

Trust Amanda to embarrass you.

Menzi: Ready to go?

Me: Yeap.

He took my hand and we headed out.

Menzi: You look good.

Me: Thanks. Not looking bad yourself.

Menzi: Uhm thank you.

He opened the passenger door for me. I

went in and he closed the door. He also

got in and started the car then we drove

off.
Insert 4

Me: Where are you taking me?

Menzi: Somewhere.

Me: Somewhere?

Menzi: It’s a surprise, hopefully you will

like it.

I just smiled. There was just something in

everything that he did. The way he did his

things, like how he looks at me, how he

walks, how he talks, considering

something in his mind before saying it

out loud to me.

Menzi: So.. what’s her name again?

Me: Who? Amanda?

Menzi: Yes, she’s the bestfriend that you

told me about?

Me: Yes.

Menzi: Oh. What’s your name?

I laughed. I wasn’t laughing at what he

was saying, I was laughing at the fact that

he was taking me on a date but he didn’t

even know my name.

Me: Really?

Menzi: What?

Me: You’re taking me on a date but you

don’t even know my name.

Menzi: It’s crazy.

He chuckled.

Me: Nandi. My name’s Nandi.

Menzi: Oh, uMa kaShaka? (Shaka’s

mother?)
Me: Yebo, indlovukazi. (Yes, queen.)

We both laughed. We arrived at this place

with it’s name on top, written in italics

and with lights in it, SHIMZA’s.

Me: Shimza’s?

Menzi: Yep.

He unbuckled his seat belt and I also did

mine, then we both went out of the car.

He took my hand and we went in.

Menzi: You didn’t have to open the door,

I was gonna open it for you.

That kind of made me smile.

Me: Thank you for being a gentleman but

I can open my own door.

Menzi: I was not asking you, I was letting

you know for next time.

This other lady came to us with a tray and

her name tag on her t-shirt, Nokwanda.

Nokwanda: Good evening guys, welcome

at Shimza’s. Follow me.

Already I was enjoying their service with

music playing. We followed her. She

directed us to this other table.

Menzi: Siyabonga Sis Nokwanda. (Thank

you Sis Nokwanda.)

She just nodded and left. Menzi pulled

out the chair for me to sit. I found that

really cute. He also took a sit, strictly

opposite me.
Menzi: You’re beautiful.

Me: Thanks.

I didn’t want to look at him because I

really hate eye contact so I was searching

around the place. It looked really nice.

Nokwanda came back and handed us the

menu. Menzi looked at it for a few

seconds, while Amanda was waiting with

a notepad and pen.

Menzi: Uh, I’ll have pap, steak, wors and

whatever salads that you have but as

long as they don’t have eggs, it’s okay.

Nokwanda was already writing down and

I was very indecisive on what to order.

First dates!

Me: Uhm, I’ll have the same thing he’s

having.

Nokwanda: Great.

She left. Someone that looked like an MC

or whatever was talking on the mic.

MC: Give it up for Simmy!

Everyone cheered and clapped their

hands. Oh wait, Simmy!

Me: Oh my goodness!

I also clapped my hands.

Menzi: What? You like her?

Me: Yes, I like her and her music. She’s

amazing.

Menzi: I like her too.

I looked at him.

Me: You?
Menzi: If you like her, then I also like her.

I chuckled.

Menzi: Yes, I wanna be like you when I

grow up Nandi.

We both laughed and gave Simmy the

attention that she deserved especially

from me.

Simmy: Good evening everyone, my name

is Simmy and I’ll be performing for you

guys. I hope y’all will enjoy.

Me: Go Simmy!
Everyone looked at me. She herself

looked at me.

Me: What? She’s amazing.

She smiled and started singing.

Menzi: You’re something else.

He chuckled. She was singing her song

‘Nawe’, one of my favorites. I sang along

with her throughout the whole song until

I noticed that Menzi was not watching the

performance, he was literally looking at

me which made me a bit uncomfortable

but in a good way this time.

Nokwanda brought our food.

We both dug in and I was hungry, so the

aim of acting like a slay queen and

denying myself food was definitely not

gonna work out.

Me: I love their meat.

Menzi: Same.
Simmy continued performing and

immediately after she left, we also left.

We were listening to the music on the

radio whilst he was driving and this other

song started playing and a smile escaped

Menzi’s face.

Me: And that smile?

Menzi: One of my favorites. Lalela

inhliziyo yami, oh baby.

He was singing to the song.

Menzi: Pure my heart and touch my soul

Ngivele ngishawe uvalo

Wangithanda ngingenanto

Ngelosi yami yokuphila, cela uhlale nami

He shot me with those brown eyes after

singing that part which kind of gave me

butterflies.

Me: What’s the name of this song?

Menzi: Woza My Love by Blaq Diamond.

Me: Oh, it’s a nice song. I like it.

Menzi: You like it?

Me: Yes, I like it because you also like it.

We both laughed after saying that. He

dropped me off and walked me to the

door.

Me: Thanks.

Menzi: You’re welcome.

Me: Today was amazing, I really enjoyed.

Menzi: I also enjoyed and I’m glad you

also did.

He chuckled.

Me: What?
Menzi: She didn’t lock the burglar.

I looked behind me and she really didn’t

lock.

Me: She probably locked the door but I

have the key.

Menzi: Great. I have to go.

Me: Yeah, most definitely.

Menzi: But can I have a favor?

Me: Yes?

Menzi: Can I get a hug?

I laughed at him and he joined me.

Me: That’s not something that you ask

for, idiot.

He slightly shook his head.

Menzi: Sorry.

The door opened and it was Amanda.

Amanda: Niyarasa. (You’re making noise.)

I shot her with the “really now” look. She

closed the door.

Me: Sorry for that, she can be a little

melodramatic sometimes.
Menzi: It’s okay.

He came closer and I hugged him first. He

hugged me back and he smelled really

good. I broke the hug.

Me: Bye.

Menzi: Goodnight.

I rolled my eyes and smiled before

opening the door.

Me: Goodnight.

I went in and locked the burglar and he

was heading to the car. I literally couldn’t

get over his walk. I closed the door and

locked the door and Amanda was sitting

on the kitchen counter.

Amanda: Spill the tea gee!

Me: You scared me bitch!

Amanda: Whatever, what happened?

I took off my shoes.

Me: It was nice, really nice. He took me to

this other place called Shimza’s or

something and Simmy was performing

there.
Amanda: Aw man, your favorite artist.

Me: Yes, and he said that he likes her just

because I like her.

I chuckled.

Me: Crazy.

Amanda: Bitch, you like him.

Me: No, I don’t.

Amanda: Yes, you do.

Me: Goodnight Amanda, I’m tired.

I smiled and went to my bedroom. Do I

like him?
Insert 5

TWO MONTHS

LATER

Life’s been great, I guess. Well, I haven’t

self harmed for a while and my

relationship with Menzi is amazing. Yes,

we do have disagreements like any other

couple but I just love him. I love

everything about him. He just dropped

me off by my flat hence I was at work and

he fetches me everyday, even though it’s

just down the street. We made our way

inside and he just asked me for

something so huge.

Me: What?

Menzi: Yes.

Me: Menzi, I can’t.

Menzi: Babe, why?

Me: Amanda needs me, especially with

her in this competition you know.

Yes, Amanda finally got in Blaze Talents

and already she’s in the top 16. I’m very

proud of my bitch and I wanna be with

her in every step of the way.

Menzi: Babe, Amanda is old, so are you.

Me: Christ, I’m only twenty three, and

trying to find my way up.

He just shot me with his brown eyes and

we stood for seconds just staring at each

other when Amanda made her way in

with plastics.

Amanda: Mkhwee.. Nandzz..

Menzi: Hey Amanda.

That’s a nickname she gave Menzi full for

Mkhwenyana, groom. When we’re

together, the three of us, she always

brings up her imaginary wedding of me

and Menzi.
Amanda: Guys, I’m so tired. I’m from

shopping and Nandi I’m gonna need your

help with choosing the outfits.

She went in her bedroom. Menzi looked

at me.

Menzi: You don’t like my company.

Me: What? No, did I say that?

Menzi: Well it looks like that. I’m just

asking you to move in with me, nothing

much.

I took a deep sigh.

Me: I’ll think about it.

He looked at me for 7 seconds, not even

moving. Yes, I counted.

Menzi: And that’s my queue to leave.

He kissed my cheek.

Me: Bye.
He went out. Was I being too much? I

mean I do visit him whenever I get a

chance and mostly on weekends but

having to move in with him, it was just

oodles. I went to Amanda’s bedroom and

she already had a zillion dresses lying on

top of her bed.

Me: For the competition?

Amanda: Of course.

Me: I love the red one.

Amanda: Same here. I think grey is also

great hey, don’t you think? Red is not

bad though but look at grey. I love the

puffy part by the shoulders. But maybe

it’s a bit too much.

I took a deep breath and thought about

Menzi’s proposal. It was the only thing in

my mind.

Amanda: Hello ma’am, I’m talking to you.

Me: Sorry, what are you saying?

She shifted the dresses off the bed and

took my hand and we sat on top of the

bed.

Amanda: What is it?

Me: Menzi asked me to move in with him.

Amanda: Jesus, what? Babe, you’re slowly

growing up.

Me: And I hate that. I’ll move in with him,

then the next thing I fall pregnant, then

there’s babies, marriage, I don’t want that

Amanda.
Amanda: Stop worrying too much and

just go with the flow. What did you say to

him?

Me: I told him that you need me.

Amanda: Fool! Why?

I just shrugged my shoulders.

Amanda: I’m a grown ass woman and I

can take care of myself.

Me: But..

Amanda: Uh.uh

I took a deep breath.

Amanda: And you’re barely here

sometimes so.. why not?

Me: Fine.

……………….

Menzi’s POV

Nandi..Nandi..Nandi. Words can’t even

describe the love I have for her. I love her

and I really wanna keep her in my life.

Maybe I went a bit far with the moving in

but I just need her in my life. I work as a

IT specialist at Rosebank and I can say it’s

a great job. Well I don’t live with my

family, I don’t have one. The only person

that I talk to is my brother, Zweli. The

rest of them, they’re just skeletons to me,

they’re dead to me. I stay by myself in my

own apartment, at Bedfordview. It’s been

a long day at work and I just need to rest

for a second. I took off my jersey and

threw myself on the sofa, when I heard a

knock. Who is it now?

I stood up and went to open the door

only to find the most annoying person on

earth, on my doorstep, Lily. She’s an ex.

We used to date but after we broke up, it

was all about fucking, nothing much, no

strings attached. After I started dating

Nandi, I broke contact with her and she’s

been texting me since, calling me.

Me: Lily.

Lily: Menzi, what is it babe?

Me: Babe? Please.

Lily: You know exactly what I mean.

She made her way in and I just rolled my

eyes.

Me: What do you want?

Lily: You. I miss you Menzi.

Me: And I don’t because I have someone

Lily.

She came closer.

Lily: Come on, we both know what you

want. She can’t be better than me. Is she?

Her hand made her way by my throat. I

quickly removed it.

Me: Just leave.

She slowly paced her hand by my chest.

Lily: A little less conversation, and just a

little more touch.. my.. body.

Trust me, Lily looked very hot and fucking

her was amazing but I’m really in love

with Nandi. She came too closer.

Lily: Huh?

The door handle moved and Nandi made

her way in with a suitcase. Holy shit!

Insert 6

Shit! I quickly shifted from Lily.

Me: Babe it’s not what it looks like.

Lily: Oh, so this is her? Definitely not your

type Menzi.

I didn’t pay my attention on Lily, my full

attention was on Nandi. She looked very

confused, hurt, mad. Her emotions were

so mixed, I couldn’t even predict them. I

went towards her and tears just escaped

her eyes. When I tried touching her, I felt

a slap.
Nandi: I cannot believe you.

She held her mouth with her right hand

and ran out with her suitcase.

Nandi’s POV

I was confused, mad, angry, frantic but I

was mostly hurt, annoyed and upset. How

can Menzi do this to me? How long has

this been happening for? Who is that

light skinned chick that said bullshit

about me? Was I really not his type? I ran

to the parking lot and took out my

phone. I texted Amanda, “Ama I’m not

okay, found him cheating.”

He followed me.

Menzi: Nandi, please listen to me.

I took out my phone and requested an

Uber for myself.

Menzi: She’s nothing to me. She’s just an

old ex.

Bolt notified me that the driver was two

minutes away. Two minutes was a lot.

Two minutes was literally a lot for me to

stand his presence, to be around him, to

smell him, to listen to his words, every lie

coming out of that mouth, his voice. It

was the most disgusting thing in my ears

right now.

Menzi: Nandi, you know that I love you.

No, he didn’t. He doesn’t. He never did.

The first person to ever break my heart

was my mom and I trusted Menzi but he

broke my heart too.

Menzi: I love you so much and..

Me: Just stop. What is love to you? You

don’t love me Menzi. You don’t, you

never did actually. Why? You wanna know

my biggest wish right now? I wish I never

met you.

The car arrived and I checked the number

plate and that was the car.

Me: You were very disloyal to me. Don’t

text me, don’t call me, it is over. Don’t

come to my place or I’ll open a protection

order against you.

I placed the suitcase by the boot.

Menzi: Nandi.

I went inside the car and the driver drove

off. I doubled texted Amanda, “on my

way..”. The tears streamed down my face.

How could he?

The next thing, the car was flying, flipping

over and over, and each time it did that,

my head hit the window even more.

 ………………….

I don’t know what it is, but I didn’t like

the sound. A machine or whatever that

was beeping, I didn’t like the sound. Each

beep, caused me a headache. I tried

lifting my head but I just couldn’t, it was

painful. I tried opening my eyes, even

though it was painful.

Someone: Take it easy.

Who’s that?
Someone: Can you hear me?

I slightly nodded, even though it was

painful.

Someone: How many fingers am I holding

out now?

She did a peace thing with her fingers so

it was obviously a two fingers.

Me: T.. Two.

Someone: Okay, you’re talking to Dr

Mbatha and you’ve been admitted at this

hospital for three days now

Me: Water..

She poured some water for me and

helped me drink up.

Me: Thank you.

Dr Mbatha: You were with someone in

the car, do you remember who it was?

Someone? It definitely wasn’t Menzi,

someone? Oh, I requested for an Uber. It

all came back, what I saw in Menzi’s

apartment, how I felt, it all came back.

Me: It was an Uber driver.

Dr Mbatha: Correct. He’s still fighting for

his life right at this hospital.

Me: Oh.

Dr Mbatha: Let me call your family. I

I slightly nodded. She came back with

Amanda, Boikanyo and Menzi. What is he

doing here? The audicity to even show up

here.
Amanda: Nandzz.

Boikanyo: Friend.

He just stood by the door, but I could see

him. He was looking at me and I don’t

know what he was thinking. I was also

looking at him and I felt annoyance

entering my body immediately after I saw

him.

Amanda: How is she Doc? Does she even

remember us?
Dr Mbatha: She’s okay, the baby is also

doing good, she just needs..

Me: Baby?

Boikanyo: Baby?

Amanda: Baby?

Dr Mbatha: You didn’t know?

Me: No! How?

Dr Mbatha: Well congratulations, welcome

to motherhood.

Amanda: Haibo!
I looked at him and he was looking at me.

We both held the stare for the longest

time.

Dr Mbatha: We will discharge you

depending on your recovery and please

eat healthy. Have a good day!

She made her way out.

Insert 7
What? No! A baby? It was only me,

Boikanyo, Amanda and Menzi left in the

room.

Amanda: I tried telling him to leave but

he just didn’t wanna.. Jesus, you are a

mother?

Okay was that a question or what? Was I

supposed to answer that?

Boikanyo: Let’s give them some space,

choma please be okay.

I don’t know why but for some reason I

felt a bit embarrassed. What? A mother?

Boikanyo took Amanda’s hand and they

both went out. Menzi was still staring and

I broke the staring contest because I was

not interested in being a contestant for

one. He came closer and stood beside

me.

Menzi: Hey.

His voice! His VOICE! I found so much

annoyance in it. I fell in love with it, I

believed every single word it said, “I love

you Nandi”. Jesus, how did I stoop so low

for such a huge lie?

Menzi: Please say something.

I didn’t know what to say. I tried opening

my mouth but words couldn’t come out.

What was I gonna say to a person that

was currently a father to this child? I

didn’t want to be a mother.

Me: I don’t want this baby.

Menzi: What? No. Baby we’ll figure it out.

Listen, I’m scared too.

I kept quiet. I was not in it for a debate

with him, like literally.

Menzi: Is it my baby?

Me: What?

Menzi: Not that I’m saying it’s not but..

Me: Menzi how could you say that? Yes, it

is your baby, whose baby would it be

besides you? Not everyone is like you

Menzi, I was loyal in this relationship

unlike you.

Menzi: So was I.

I just laughed.

Me: You were what? Menzi just leave me,

I don’t need you in my life. I might as well

abort this baby and you will never see me

again. Now please leave.

I faced the other side. He didn’t move. I’m

pretty sure he was looking at me.

Menzi: You are not gonna do that Nandi!

This is my baby and I have..

Me: Oh, so now it’s your baby? Now

you’re hundred percent sure it’s your

baby? Menzi just leave me the fuck alone

and go back to your chick. I’m pretty sure

she’s been patiently waiting for you, don’t

you think? Just leave.

Menzi: But Nandi..

Me: Leave!
He looked at me for the longest time

before leaving. I held my mouth with

tears streaming down my face. Why me? I

was not ready for being a mother but I

was definitely keeping this baby. I just

wanted to scare Menzi. I wanted to see

his reaction.

A WEEK LATER
It’s been a week, a whole week and we

haven’t spoke. I don’t know how to feel

about that. I actually don’t know how I

feel about it. I miss him. I really do. I’ve

been at Boikanyo’s for a week. I knew

that if I went back to my apartment,

Menzi was definitely gonna come.

Amanda didn’t have a problem with that,

even though she reminded me every

second of the day on WhatsApp that she

missed me. It really isn’t easy without

him. I blocked him on WhatsApp,

Instagram and his phone numbers

because he couldn’t stop calling me.

Boikanyo has his own room, and I also

have mine. He really is good company so

I don’t really get bored. I also haven’t

been going to work and Cassandra

understood. It is a bit unlike her to

understand but she did and I’m really

glad. I can’t afford to lose a job.

I went out of the bedroom because I’ve

been there since this morning. Boikanyo

really understands that I need my own

space and he really respects it. I went to

the kitchen and he was chopping some

onions.

Me: What are you cooking?

Boikanyo: Spaghetti with meatballs.

Me: Can you not use garlic today chomi, it

really smells awful.

Boikanyo: Smells bad for you or the

baby?

I just didn’t like the subject of the baby

and I wasn’t planning on liking it anytime

sooner, I was still digesting it.

Me: Do you need help?

Boikanyo: Yes, please toast four slices of

bread and grate them for me because I’ve

ran out of bread crumbs.

Me: Uhm choma?

Boikanyo: Yes.
Me: Do you need money or anything?

Boikanyo: I told you that I don’t need

your money wena.

Me: Kanyo I’m serious.

Boikanyo: And I’m also serious.

I really wanted to help him by giving him

the money but he’s been refusing ever

since. I jumped and hugged him.

Me: You are the best.

Boikanyo: Yeah, yeah, I know.

We heard a knock from the kitchen door.

Boikanyo: And who’s that, disturbing our

moment?

Me: People, that’s people for you.

I went to open the door only to find him

standing by the door step. I just didn’t

know what to do. A part of me wanted to

jump out of excitement and hug him,

smell him, kiss him. The other part of me

wanted to close this door, lock it, swing

down the door to the floor and scream

my lungs out.

Menzi: Nandi, I wanted us to talk.

Me: About?

Menzi: The baby.

Boikanyo: Guys come on I can hear you,

please go somewhere.

Me: Menzi was leaving, right?

Menzi: You are going to ignore me until

when?
I didn’t even know if I was gonna be able

to answer that. I looked at Boikanyo and

he mouthed “just go”.

I went out and closed the door behind

me.

Menzi: We can go for a drive.

Me: Sure.

We headed to his car and he opened the

door for me and I went in. I missed the

scent of his car. I kind of missed being

around him.

Menzi: Please fasten your seatbelt.

I just rolled my eyes and did as

instructed.

The only thing that I was looking at was

his time in his car. We drove off at 16:57

and now it’s 17:04 and we haven’t said

anything to each other. The radio was the

only thing that was making a sound

besides the car moving.

Menzi: I’m sorry.

I didn’t know what to say. Was I

supposed to say I’m sorry too? But sorry

for what?

Menzi: I really am. Nothing happened

between me and Lily after you Nandi. I

swear, nothing happened. I respect you

and I really love you, I wouldn’t do that to

you. What you saw.. what you saw that

day was.. I’m sorry Nandi. Lily is just an

old ex and she means nothing..

Me: I get it, it’s fine. Where are you taking

me?

Menzi: Where the road leads me.

Me: I’m serious.

Menzi: Today you really are serious,

congratulations.

A smile escaped my face and we both

laughed. He held my hand with his other

hand on the steering wheel.

Menzi: I love you Nandi.

Those words again, I better not fall for

them this time. The last time I did, my

heart got broken. But there was definitely

something about them this time. It’s like

he really meant each and every word. Can

you stand the rain by New Edition started

playing. It was my dad’s favorite.

Menzi: Why are you smiling?

Me: It was my dad’s favorite.

Menzi: And it’s also my favorite.

I chuckled.
Me: Don’t tell me it’s your favorite just

because it was my dad’s favorite.

Menzi: Well it really is my favorite and my

favorite again because it’s your dad’s

favorite.

Me: Favorite, favorite, this word.

We both laughed.

On a perfect day, I know that I can count

on you

When that’s not possible

Tell me can you weather the storm?

Cause I need somebody who can stand by

me

Through the good times and bad times

She will always, always be right there.

Sunny days, everybody loves them

Tell me baby, can you stand the rain?

Storms will come, this we know for sure

Can you stand the rain?

I was glancing at him, singing this song.

It’s like he felt really emotionally attached

to every lyric. He would look at me then

the road whilst singing this song, hence

he was driving.

Menzi: Don’t cry.

I didn’t even notice the fact that I was

actually crying.

Menzi: I really love you Nandi.

Yes yes yes. This time they really sunk.

The words sunk in every part of me. This

time he really meant them. I wasn’t

unsure anymore, I was absolutely sure. I

also felt the very same way about him. I

really loved Menzi. We parked by this

other place written James and Ethel Gray

Park.

Menzi: Let’s go for a walk.

I unbuckled the door and as I was about

to open the door, he stopped me.

Menzi: Don’t, I’ll open for you.

Okay Sir. I sat and he really opened the

door for me.

Me: Thank you.

He held my hand and we went for a walk.

The park was really huge and beautiful.

We bought some cotton candy but he

didn’t wanna buy it but I’m glad he’s

enjoying it now.

Menzi: I love it!

Me: I know right

Menzi: And mine’s about to finish.

Me: Your fault.

He withdrew mine.
Menzi: But you’re such an amazing

human being and you’ll give me yours

right?

Me: Not mine please.

He started jogging and I had to run after

him.

Menzi: Catch me if you can.

Me: Menzi please.

I was dying out of laughter and running

at the same time.

Me: Menzi!
He quickly ran towards me and picked me

up and he span me around.

Me: Put me down Mdletshe.

He paused for a bit.

Menzi: What did you call me?

Me: You heard me.

Menzi: Repeat it.

Me: Mdletshe.

He spun me around and continued

tickling me.

Me: Put me down please!

I was dying out of laughter. Everyone

would look at us each time they passed. I

really didn’t care, I was being a whole

weirdo, fool, you name it with my favorite

person.

Insert 8

TWO WEEKS LATER

I finally moved in with Menzi and it has

been such an amazing stay, I don’t want

to lie. There are times where I kind of

miss Amanda, but I wouldn’t trade the

moments that I create with Menzi for

anything. From him being my view, being

close to him, kissing him and mostly

making love to him. It is confirmed, I’m

three months pregnant. I decided to keep

the baby. I’m not keeping it just because

of Menzi, I also have my own reasons. My

stomach was starting to show a bit but I

tried by all means to hide it. Today it was

the day, the finale for the Blaze Talents

and Menzi and I were getting ready on

supporting my bestfriend, Amanda.

Menzi: Have you seen the car keys?

Me: Did you check by the counter?

I was applying some gloss on my lips.

Menzi: Found it!

As I was about to stand up from the

ottoman, I found him glancing at me by

the door which made me blush.

Me: Why are you standing there?

Menzi: Because.

I chuckled.

Me: Let’s go, we gonna be late.

He continued looking at me, blushing.

Me: What?

Menzi: You’re glowing.

Me: What? No.

He came towards me and slightly went

down, facing my stomach.

Menzi: Thank you for putting some glow

on mommy princess.
I laughed. He likes talking to the baby.

Even when we’re asleep, you’d swear he’s

talking to someone about something

serious only to discover that he’s talking

to the baby.

Me: Stop saying princes because it’s a

boy.

Menzi: What? That’s my baby girl.

He stood up straight and looked at me.

Menzi: I love you with every part of me.

I smiled and before even answering back,

he immediately planted a kiss on my lips.

Me: We’re gonna be late.

We heard a knock and he went to check

who it was whilst I was taking my bag

and my cellphone.

After some time, I heard some noise

coming from the dining room and laughs.

I went there and it was some other guy

that looked a bit like Menzi.

Me: Hi.
He was also tall, a bit lighter than Menzi,

with the brightest smile ever. He looked a

bit older than him though.

Menzi: Babe, this is my brother Zweli,

Zweli meet Nandi, my soon to be wife.

That made me smile, no lies. I handshook

him.

Me: Nice to meet you.

Zweli: Same here.

Menzi: Usithola sithi siya phuma bafo.

(You just found us as we were about to

go out.)

Zweli: Hawu kuyiwa kuphi? (Where are

you going?)

Me: My friend, we’re going to support my

friend.

Zweli: Oh, asambeni phela. (Let’s go

then.)

Menzi: We’re taking your car then.

Zweli: Definitely.
Menzi: And I’m driving.

Zweli: Usuyabheda manje. (You’re going

astray now.)

They both laughed and I didn’t even find

the joke there so I just smiled. We went

out and Menzi drove.

We arrived there and there were lots of

people. We finally made our way in and

luckily, we found sits. We sat there for

about fifteen minutes before the show

started. I wanted to see Amanda before

the show but it was too full, I didn’t know

what the hell was happening and Menzi

didn’t want me go, in fear that I was

gonna get lost, the drama.

The other girls did their thing and I was

silently sitting waiting for my bitch to do

her thing. There she was!

I couldn’t stop screaming.

Me: That’s my bestfriend!

I’m pretty sure everyone thought I was

crazy and Menzi being Menzi was

laughing at me.

Menzi: You’re something else babe.

Promptly, he started coughing.

Me: Are you okay?

He slightly nodded. At first, it was a

minor cough but it got a bit dramatic as

time passed. A minute after that, it was

no longer the dramatic cough, it was the

serious cough.
Me: Babe..

He started coughing off blood and then

that’s when I panicked.

Zweli: Bafo. (Brother)

He continually coughed until he almost

fell to the floor but luckily, Zweli held

him. What on earth was happening?

Me: Menzi! Zweli what’s happening?

Everyone started paying their attention

on us.

Me: Someone, call the ambulance.

With blood around his mouth, he was

now weakly coughing.

Menzi: There’s no need for that, let’s take

him to the car.

I hated ruining this for Amanda because

now the whole show stopped but it’s not

like we were staging this or something.

This other guy helped Zweli pick Menzi

up therefore he was very frail.

I was panicking, scared and clutched.

………………….
It’s been two hours. A whole two hours

and they haven’t said anything. I tried

shaking my leg, eating my nails, pacing

up and down but nothing was helping at

this point. I wanted to see Menzi. He also

needed me to be there.

Zweli: He’ll be fine.

He’s been saying that ever since we got

here and if he was gonna repeat that

again, I was seriously gonna slap him. I

didn’t have the strength to cry, I felt the

need to be strong for Menzi. Is it TB?

Menzi had TB? Because why the hell was

he coughing blood? My phone rang and

it was Amanda. I answered it.

Amanda: Ward 7?

Me: Yes. You’ll see us, we’re just sitting

by..

Amanda: I see you.

She hung up. She ran to us and

immediately when I saw her, I hugged

her. Tears torrented down my face. I

needed to cry.

Amanda: Shh.

Me: Ama I’m scared.

Amanda: Uh.uh look at me.

I looked at her.

Amanda: Mkhwee is strong man, he’ll be

fine.

This other doctor looked at us for a

moment before saying a word to us.

Doctor: Is this Menzi Mdletshe’s family?

Me: Yes and what took y’all so long?

We’ve been waiting for more than two

hours and..

Doctor: Ma’am, we’re doing out very best.

Zweli stood up from the waiting bench.

Zweli: Any updates?

You can see that he was more worried

but he just tried by all means to contain

it.

Doctor: He’s better I can say, currently

conscious.
Me: Can we see him?

Doctor: Definitely, follow me.

We followed him and he lead us to this

other room. He was lying on that bed. We

all went in and his eyes were closed.

Seeing him like that caused me a lot of

pain.

Me: Is he sleeping?

Doctor: Yeah.

Me: Doctor what happened? Why was he

coughing blood?
The doctor took a deep breath before

saying anything to us.

Doctor: Menzi is diagnosed with bronchial

cancer stage two.

What? No. It can not be.

Me: Is this some sick joke? Did you check

the calendar today? It is not the first of

April and you better tell me that you’re

joking right now.

Zweli: The life expectancy?

Doctor: We’re not sure yet because it has

grown but it has not spread yet.

Me: Don’t tell me that you’re.. Zweli..

Words couldn’t escape my mouth

anymore.

Doctor: I’m sorry.

He slightly nodded then he went out.

What? No. Cancer? How? The machine

continually beeped but I felt like I was

losing him in every beep.

Insert 9

It’s been a day but it already felt like a

year. Seeing him lying here, not saying a

word, was pure pain. I’ve been with him

since yesterday. Zweli had to run some

errands, Amanda had work, same with

Boikanyo. I wasn’t gonna leave him here.

I’ve been glancing at him for a very long

time with so many questions coursing

through my veins. Is he gonna be there

when I give birth? Will he at least get a

chance to celebrate his child’s birthday?

How long did he have left to witness all

the amazing things about my pregnancy?

I really had a lot going on. The doctor

made his way in.

Doctor: Good day.

Me: Doctor.

Doctor: Any changes?

Me: I should be asking you that.

Doctor: In other words, was there any

movement?

Me: Oh, no. He’s been asleep.

He removed the stethoscope from his

neck and placed it on Menzi’s chest. I

held Menzi’s hand. I wanted him to know

that I was here, that I was not leaving,

that I was gonna wait for him to wake up.

Doctor: His heartbeat is normal. He’ll

wake up, his body is a little bit tired, he

needs this rest.

I moderately nodded.

Doctor: He will be fine, just have faith.

And instead of glancing at him like a

statue, you can actually do something

with him.

Me: Something? While he’s asleep?

He chuckled.

Doctor: Maybe singing for him, reading a

book, listening to music, chatting with

him or something. He can hear you.

Me: That’s interesting. Thanks Doc.

He smiled at me then he went out. The

doctor’s idea was not a bad idea. I

unlatched my bag and took out my phone

along with my earphones. I plugged the

earphones on my phone and inserted one

ear phone on his left ear, and I inserted

the other one on my right ear. I played

Till forever falls Apart by Ashe ft.

FINNEAS. This song was perfect for the

current mood. It was soothing, relaxing.

Out on our own

Dreaming in the world that we both know

Is out of control

And if shit hits the fan we’re not alone

Cause you’ve got me and you know

And I’ve got you and I know

If the tide takes California

I’m so glad I got to hold you

And if the sky falls, from heaven above

Oh I know I had the best time, falling into

love
I sobbed with tears making their way

down my face. I felt each and every lyric

as I sang quietly for him. Seconds later,

he moved his finger. Oh my goodness, is

he awake?

Me: Menzi..

No movement. He squeezed my hand and

slightly opened his eyes. I stood up and

had a closer look at him.

Me: Babe.
He looked at me and faintly smiled.

Me: Can you hear me?

Menzi: Yes.

His voice was a bit coarse and low.

Me: Babe.

As I tried to wipe some tears off my face,

the other tears followed. I was so happy. I

was relieved. I was glad. I was really

thankful. He took my hand and kissed it.

Menzi: I missed you.

Me: And I love you. Aren’t you thirsty?

Menzi: I really am.

I chuckled while pouring him the water.

Me: And you didn’t say anything?

I helped him drink up. How was I gonna

tell him that he has cancer? How does

one announce such news?

Me: Uhm, babe?

Menzi: Yes.

Me: The doctor told us something.

He gave me his full attention.

Menzi: Yes.
I opened my mouth to talk but words

refused to break free.

Menzi: Yes?

Me: He told us that you..

How was I gonna say this?

Menzi: Nandi..

Me: You have bronchial cancer and we’re

not sure about the life expectancy. He

said that it has grown, but hasn’t spread

that much.

He kept quiet for a while.

Menzi: Oh.

Me: I’m so sorry.

Tears bolted free out of my eyes.

Menzi: I should have told you but..

Me: What?

What on earth? Menzi knew about this

and decided to keep quiet about it?

I relinquished his hand.

Me: What? You knew about this? And you

chose to keep quiet about it?

Menzi: What were you expecting me to

do?

Me: Jesus, I can’t believe you right now.

Menzi: You wanted me to tell you on our

first date that I had cancer?

Me: Of course not! But don’t you think I

deserved to know the truth?

Menzi: We recently started dating and yet

you wanted me to tell you about this? It

was not easy for me Nandi.

Me: Wow.
Menzi: I mean you hardly tell me about

your stuff, don’t act all innocent.

Me: Stuff? Which stuff Menzi?

Menzi: Christ, your family! Whenever I try

to ask you about your family, you always

change the subject. I barely know you

Nandi and yet I love you wholeheartedly

but you don’t want to let me in.

He held his chest after talking and

squeezed his eyes.

Me: Are you okay?

He nodded.

Me: You sure?

Menzi: It’s nothing.

I took a sit and held his hand again.

Me: You want me to let you in?

He inclined his head and slowly nodded.

I’ve never opened up to anyone before

besides Amanda. I anxiously started

shaking my leg holding my tears from

making their way down, with all that I

had.
Me: Growing up, I lived with my mom, my

dad and my sister, Thandolwethu. My

mom was not a bad mom before my

dad’s death but Thando was her favorite.

Thando was approximately five years

older than me. She knew everything

about Thando, from her favorite colour, to

her favorite song, favorite food and she

never knew those things about me.

I continued shaking my leg.

Me: One evening, my dad took us to

McDonald’s to celebrate that I got an

award for public speaking at school. My

mom stayed behind and my sister didn’t

really want to go but I begged her and

she ended up going. Don’t get me wrong,

my sister was the best, it’s just that she

was just starting to be a teenager and

like any normal teenager, she had mood

swings, you know.

I took a deep breath and looked at him.

Menzi: Continue.

Me: It was the 20th of July 2006. I

remember that day very well. I had my

yellow shorts with a white t-shirt and my

sister was really into jeans. It was the

best and the worst day of my life. We

went to McDonald’s, we all had fun. When

we drove back home, my dad and I were

singing our favorite songs together and

the only song that I remember very well,

is Sunshine. You are my sunshine, my

only sunshine. You make me happy, when

skies are grey. You’ll never know dear,

how much I love you so please don’t take

my sunshine away. “I love you princess!”

Before even getting a chance to say that I

loved him too, the car started rolling,

flipping over multiple times. I’m the only

one that made it and unfortunately my

dad and sister didn’t.

He squeezed my hand. I wiped my tears

with my left hand.

Me: From that day onward, my mother

hated me Menzi. She always reminded me

that I killed the love of her life and her

favorite daughter. How did I kill them?

Did I plan that accident? Did I even have

an idea that we were going to get in a car

accident? Did I? But she always blamed

me. She started swearing at me all the

time, beating me up for no valid reason,

locking me out. I was child and as a child

you play. When I went out to play and

came back later, she would lock the door

for me. Sometimes, I had to sleep in our

tenant’s room, mind you he was a guy.

Thank God he was not a bad guy. She

started getting drunk and every time

when she was drunk, I knew that I was

gonna get a good beating. She turned my

father’s house into a shebeen. Different

men would stay over sometimes, and

sometimes I would hear her moan when a

certain man was around. Until one day, I

almost got raped by one of her

boyfriends. I tried telling her but she

never believed me. She said that I was

nothing but a slut and I didn’t respect

myself, that is why his boyfriend wanted

to have sex with me.

I started shaking my leg again.

Me: Then I started doing this thing where

I would hurt myself on purpose.

Everything always came back at night, the

accident, my dad, my sister, almost

getting raped and screaming my lungs

out for help, it ALL CAME BACK at night. I

ended up being very emotionless and I

would want to feel something, physical

pain then I started cutting my arm with a

razor. The scars on my arms were

noticeable, so I would cut my inner

thighs. I never stopped doing that until

Amanda caught me doing it and she

begged me to never do it again. I tried, I

really tried not doing it, I honestly tried

but I never stopped. I still do it.

A tear escaped Menzi’s eye and I couldn’t

help myself but I broke down and cried.

He pulled me to his chest and continually

kissed my forehead. I never thought that I

was gonna be able to tell someone about

this again.

Menzi: It’s okay, I’m here.

He kept on saying the same thing, “it’s

okay, I’m here”. Was it okay though? Was

it?

Insert 10
 THREE MONTHS

LATER

Menzi: Will you make me the happiest

man in the world, and marry me?

Surprised. Amazed. Astonished. Everyone

was literally waiting for my answer.

Apparently Amanda, Zweli and Boikanyo

helped him with this. I loved Menzi so

much but I had no idea that he loved me

to a point that he wanted to make me his

forever. I mean asking someone to marry

you, is a huge thing.

Me: Of course.

Menzi: What?

He was kneeling down and my eyes

starting to get a bit teary.

Me: Yes, I’ll marry you Menzi.

He inserted the ring on my finger.

Me: It’s beautiful.

He stood up, picked me up and hugged

me. Everyone cheered us up, with

Amanda screaming her lungs out. I was

so excited. I don’t even think words

explained how I really felt. Menzi took me

out of his apartment telling me that he

was taking me out only to find out that

he planned a whole engagement for me.

In a very long time, I’ve never felt so

happy. For the first time I had hope that

with me being this happy, nothing bad

was going to happen. For the first time, I

had hope. Good hope. The baby kicked.

Me: He just kicked.

Menzi: Really?

Me: Yes, he’s also happy.

Menzi: My baby girl.

Me: It’s a boy Menzi.

We all laughed. We always argued about

the gender hence he thought that it was

a girl and I really felt it in my bones that

it was a boy. We decided to discover the

gender on the baby’s birth date.

We all drove to Boikanyo’s apartment to

celebrate.

Amanda: To Mr and Mrs Mdletshe.

Our glasses full of champagne all clicked.

Boikanyo: Congrats guys!

Zweli: Halala bafo!

We played some music on YouTube and

Boikanyo and Amanda cooked way before

everything. It was all fun not until he hit

the ground.

Me: Menzi!
 …………….

Why does it always have to be like this?

Why do I always have to come across

with unhappiness in my life? We were all

patiently waiting for the doctor to update

us. I was so stressed, broken, hurt and

like always I couldn’t control my feelings.

Whenever I felt like that, feeling a bit

emotionless, I would self harm. Right

now, in this moment, I felt like self

harming. To even think that I even had

hope.

Doctor: It moved to stage three.

Me: Even after the surgery Doc?

Doctor: I’m so sorry but we’ll try our very

best.

Me: Is he awake?

Doctor: Yes, you guys can see him but

the visiting hours are almost over.

Zweli: Yey dokotela, awuyekele

ukukhuluma kakhulu usiyise kuye. (Hey

doctor, stop talking too much and just

take us too him.)

He slightly nodded.

Doctor: Follow me.

We all followed him. Zweli looked even

way more worried.

There he was, facing the ceiling in the

most horrific place, hospital. A whole

hospital bed. I was now starting to hate

everything about hospitals. The place, it’s

smell, the people that worked there, the

wards, the beds, it’s name, everything.

Menzi: Guys.

I held his hand and he squeezed it. I felt

so shattered seeing him in this place. I

wanted to scream, and just cry in his

arms. I wanted to let it all out.

Amanda: Hang in there Mr Armstrong.

At least, that made me chuckle.

Boikanyo: Do you guys want coffee?

Me: Yes, please.

Boikanyo took Amanda’s hand and they

went out.

Me: The doctor told us that it moved to

stage three.

He took a deep breath, not even knowing

what to say. He looked so speechless.

Menzi: Bafo. (Bro)

Zweli’s arms were folded.

Zweli: Bafo. (Bro)

Menzi: Promise me one thing.

Zweli: I’m listening.

Menzi: Promise me that once I’m gone,

you’ll take care of Nandi and the baby.

A tear escaped my eye.

Zweli: Don’t tell me that you lost hope

just like th..

Menzi: Promise me.

They made an eye contact that looked

very deep, so intense.

Menzi: Promise me that you’ll be by their

side no matter what.

Zweli: I promise you.

No, no, no. I couldn’t take it anymore.

This was very hard for me. I needed air. I

needed to breath. I released his hand and

ran out. I sat on one of the benches

outside. I took deep breaths One after

another. This time I needed to be strong

but what was in it for me if Menzi himself

has already lost hope?

Insert 11
Same shit, different day. It looked like

Menzi was getting sicker everyday. He

even had to use crutches for balance

since he was very weak and couldn’t walk

for himself. The doctor recommended

some food types that he had to eat

regarding his health. I cooked some

mashed potatoes with Mac and cheese. I

dished it up for him. He was lying in bed.

I’m not sure if he was asleep or what.

Me: Babe.
He shot me with his brown eyes and

smiled afterwards.

Menzi: What did you cook?

He sat up with his butt on the bed.

Me: Mashed potatoes with mac and

cheese.

Menzi: Fantastic.

Me: I want to feed you today.

Menzi: I’m not a baby, come on.

Me: But you are my baby.

He chuckled.
Menzi: Alright.

I started feeding him.

Me: Menzi.

Menzi: Mmm?

He was chewing.

Me: Can I ask you something?

He nodded.

Me: Where’s your family? You have never

told me about your them.

I tried asking him one time about his

family but he just told me that he didn’t

want to talk about them. His face

immediately changed right after my

question.

Menzi: What about them Nandi?

Me: Where are they?

Menzi: I don’t know and I just don’t care.

Me: Why?

Menzi: Where’s yours Nandi?

My heart shattered into a million pieces.

Me: Wow.
I left the food there, stood up from the

bed and I slammed the door behind me. I

went to the kitchen to drink water and he

was already behind me with his sticks.

Menzi: I didn’t mean that.

Me: I get it Menzi, I won’t ask you about

your family again. Please move, I need to

pass.

Menzi: That’s not fair.

Me: What is fair?

I said, pounding the glass on the counter.

Menzi: My family Nandi, they’re bad

people.

I wanted to hear this one so I folded my

arms and looked at him.

Menzi: Can we sit down?

We sat on the couch by the sitting room.

Me: I’m listening.

He cleared his throat.

Menzi: They do human trafficking.

Me: What?
What? Human trafficking? I mean how

does one feel doing that to other people?

Menzi: Yes, my parents are filthy rich and

I never knew why until a few years ago. I

moved out and they tried talking to me

but I just didn’t.. It’s bad Nandi. They

even traffic babies.

Me: Babies?

Menzi: Yes.

Me: Then Zweli, does he know?

Menzi: Yeah but that family is nothing

without him especially after Nono.

Me: Nono?

Menzi: Yeah, my little sister. She passed

away a few years ago because of their

doings. I think that is what made me think

things clearly and I just moved out.

Me: I’m so sorry babe.

I held his hand.

Me: I’m not gonna speak for them

because I don’t even know their main

reasons on why they do human trafficking

but can I ask you for one huge thing?

Menzi: Yeah.

Me: Let go of it, all of it. Nono, them.

Allow your heart to forgive them. They

are your parents and they love you. Trust

me, they still do and how do you think

they feel knowing that they lost their

son? I mean they already lost their

daughter, it cannot be you again. Just

forgive them, okay?

Menzi: I mean they are going to lose me

forever sooner.

I understood what he said and it really

incapacitated me. I didn’t like it when he

said that. I hated it when he spoke about

leaving. I hated the whole idea of his

situation. It was just too extravagant for

me. My eyes started being watery.

Me: I don’t want you to leave me. We still

need you.
You could see the pain in his eyes,

hearing me say that.

Menzi: Come here.

I threw myself onto his chest and bawled

my eyes out.

Menzi: It’s okay, I’m here.

He was here but already it felt he had left.

I didn’t want him to leave us. He wiped

my tears and kissed my forehead.

Me: Have you thought of any name ideas?

Menzi: Uhh, Shaka Zulu?

I giggled.

Me: I’m serious.

Menzi: Are you?

Me: Yes.

Menzi: I’m also serious, I like Shaka.

Me: Ohh, so now you think it’s a boy?

Menzi: No, but if it’s a boy, I’ll prefer

Shaka.

Me: I like Buhle.

Menzi: Very simple and boring.

Me: Oh wow, Shaka is too tedious.

Menzi: Excuse me?

Me: You heard me.

Menzi: No, I didn’t.

Me: Shaka is too dull.

He started tickling me and I literally

couldn’t stop laughing.

Me: Okay I like it! I like Shaka!

He didn’t even listen to what I was

saying, he continued tickling me. That’s

what I loved the most about Menzi. He

always took out the best, good, amazing,

happy side of me even on my worst. I

couldn’t even imagine doing this with a

different person, he was the perfect fit.

…………..

Insert 12

Me: But we need this money Menzi.

Menzi: Oh so you thought it was better

that you ask him for money?

Menzi and I were both not working

anymore and who was going to employ

me with this huge tummy? Things were

running out and we needed money so

Zweli gave me the money and I just don’t

get it why Menzi was fighting the whole

thing.

Me: I just don’t get it, why are you mad?

Menzi: Why am I mad? Are you seriously

asking me that?
Me: You heard me very well Menzi. Since

you are struggling on answering the

question, let me answer it for you. You

are mad because Zweli is helping us,

that’s why you are mad. I mean he’s your

brother dude. You’re acting like this

money is from my ex boyfriend or

something.

He took a deep breath and looked at me.

Menzi: You don’t get it Nandi. Not so

long ago, I was able to afford a lot of

things for the both of us and now I can’t

because I’m dying. I just hate the fact that

someone else can do it for you whilst I’m

here and I can’t even do it.

“I’m dying”. I swear I didn’t expect to hear

those words from him, especially now. I

didn’t want him to die and I hated the

fact that he just accepted the whole thing.

It was an advantage and a disadvantage

at the same time. What about hope?

What about us? Our little family with our

baby Buhle Or Shaka? What about the

plans we made?

Me: Please stop saying that. You are not

dying.

Menzi: The time of consoling ourselves

with nothing but lies and false hope is

over. This is what it is.

Me: I’m coming. I need to buy a few

things.
I kissed him and went out. Luckily, we

had shops nearby so it was a walking

distance. I needed this walk because I’ve

been too lazy and tired lately. As I was

walking down the street with no one

outside, a black car pulled over. The

window went down and this guy that

looked like colored with tattoos on his

face, pointed me with a gun.

Him: Get in.

 ……………..

There were three guys in the car. One

was driving, the other one was with me at

the back pointing me with a gun whilst

the car was driving and the colored one.

Was I being kidnapped? These guys

looked a bit creepy and scary I can say

but one thing I had to gain right now in

this moment, was courage.

Me: Where are you taking me?

They all kept quiet. I looked at the door

and I only had one choice, to jump out of

this car while it was driving which was

going to hurt the baby. Think, think,

think.

I took a deep breath and tried opening

the door afterwards but it was locked.

The guy that was sitting next to me with a

gun, grabbed me forcefully and started

strangling me.
Him: Don’t mess with us bitch.

His hand left my throat and I instantly

started coughing afterwards. I wanted to

cry so bad, I needed Menzi. I wished that

someone could just pinch me and tell me

that I was dreaming. I felt my baby

kicking and every time he did that, I

always told Menzi but who was I going to

tell in this situation? Feeling like this?

The car pulled off. The colored guy

opened the door and pointed me with a

gun.

Him: Out.

I went out feeling so scared, confused.

The guy that I was sitting with at the

back, the asshole that strangled me,

forcefully took my hands and tied them.

Me: Ouch.
He gave me a nasty look and grabbed my

hand roughly, pulling me to move and

follow him and his two bad friends.

Me: Where are you taking me?

The colored guy responded.

Him: Can you shut the fuck up?

The other one that was driving didn’t say

anything. He just gave me stares and

looks only.
We entered this other huge room that

was very dark and one of the guys threw

me to the floor.

Him: No sneaky shit.

It was the colored guy. I knew his voice

as much as I knew myself. It was

threatening, very scary. They all went out

and locked the door. I didn’t see a thing,

it was just the two of us in the room, just

me and my baby.
 ……………….

The door opened and it looked like two

people made their way in, mind you it

was very dark in this room. The lights

switched on and this other lady and the

colored guy, stood right in front of me.

The lady looked like she was on her late

40’s but still young looking. She looked a

bit short, with hips and a bit light in

complexion but who the hell was she?

Her: Nandi.

How did she know my name?

Me: Who are you?

Her: Makhosazana, your boyfriend’s

mother.

Boyfriend? Oh shit, Menzi’s mom. I felt

my heartbeat right on my toes. How did

she know me? Did Menzi tell her about

me? But how because he told me that he

stopped contacting his parents?

Me: What am I doing here?

She looked at me and smiled.

Makhosazana: Take her.

This colored guy came towards me and

grabbed me from the floor.

Me: Please don’t hurt me.

This lady looked at me again and

exposed her white, bright teeth.

Makhosazana: Let’s go Simon.

He pulled me out with him and right after

we headed outside we heard gunshots.

Makhosazana: Shit. Try calling Zweli,

Simon.

What? Zweli knew about this? I was even

more scared now. My eyes started being

a bit teary out of fear because I was

really, really scared.

Simon: Doesn’t go in.

Makhosazana: Take her to one of the

rooms, I’ll be there shortly.

This Simon guy nodded and grabbed me

forcefully like he always did. Menzi’s mom

went to the opposite direction whilst

Simon took me to this unknown room

that I didn’t even know.

Me: Please untie me, my hands are

hurting.

He ignored me. I wanted to spite him. I

wanted to make him feel bad and just

maybe he was going to let me go.

Me: You’ll burn in hell with your doings. I

mean how do you feel, doing this to me?

I’m heavily pregnant can’t you see?

He opened the door and pushed me

inside.

Simon: One more word from you, and

you’ll di..

He instantly fell to the floor. Behind him,

stood Zweli.

Shit, I had to run for my life now. This

Simon guy was lying on the floor hence

Zweli just hit him with the gun in his

head.

Me: Zweli please, please just let me go.

Zweli: What?

Me: I know that you’re part of this silly

plan of trafficking me and my baby.

Please just..

Zweli: No, I’m here to get you.

I tried running past him but he held me.

Zweli: Hey, hey relax.

Me: I know about your plan Zweli.

I’ve never felt so anxious before and I just

didn’t know what to believe.

Me: Zweli.
Zweli: Trust me, okay?

Makhosazane: Trust? Wow.

I looked on my right and there she was

approaching us.

Zweli: Ma please.

She laughed.

Makhosazane: You betrayed your own

mom Zweli. We’ve been in this together

for years, right? And now you are turning

your back on your momma because of

that thing standing right in front of you?

Can’t you see that she has you guys right

where she wants you? You and Menzi.

As for, “that thing”.

Zweli: She’s carrying your grandchild Ma,

please.

Makhosazane: My what? Listen, we’re

running out of time. You and I are taking

her to Jeremy and we’re taking this baby

out. The shipment has to go by tomorrow

night, we don’t have enough time. And

her, uhhh cute Nandi, we’ll see where we

will dump you. Mozambique, Morocco,

Tanzania.

No, no, no. That was not going to

happen.

Me: Uyokubona ngifile lokho. (Over my

dead body.)

She pointed me with a gun that I didn’t

even notice she had one with her.

Makhosazane: Shut up. Zweli, take her.

Zweli: Ma please.
Makhosazane: I said, take her.

Out of nowhere, Zweli pointed her with a

gun and stood right in front of me.

Zweli: Enough Ma. I’m tired don’t you

see? I’m tired of everything! You have

messed up our family already, isn’t that

enough? Firstly, it was Nonhlanhla. Then

Menzi. Then Dad followed and now you

want to take away this innocent baby

from her mother, the baby that is actually

your grandchild? Dad can’t even walk

today because of your doings, how does

that make you feel knowing that you

destroyed your family and you just

continually do it over and over again

intentionally?

Makhosazane: Since I’ve destroyed the

family and it’s just the two of us, let it

end with us then.

I heard the gunshot twice and Zweli fell

to the floor. I literally froze and my hands

started shaking. She placed the gun on

her forehead and I heard another gunshot

and she fell to the ground. My heart

started pounding and trembling really

fast. Seconds later, I heard police sirens

with just three bodies lying in front of me.

Insert 13

I was on the ambulance, watching him

lose every breath.

Me: We’re almost there Zweli, we’re

almost there.

His eyes slightly closed but you could see

that he didn’t want to close his eyes in

fear he was not going to be able to open

them again. This was too much honestly,

it was just too much for me and my baby.

We finally reached the hospital and they

pulled him out with a stretcher. When we

reached the reception already, doctors

and nurses approached us. I followed

them but they stopped me from entering

the room. I was panicking, I was scared, I

wanted to cry, I felt the need to just bawl

my eyes out and cry, I needed someone

to comfort me and tell me that it was

going to be okay even though I knew that

it was only getting worse, I honestly

needed that. I didn’t have my phone with

me, I had no one to call, my mind wasn’t

functioning well, honestly. I went to the

reception area and I found this other

security guard guy in yellow and black

uniform, at the door.

Me: Sawubona baba. (Good day Sir)

Him: Yebo. (Yes)

Me: Bengisacela ungiphonise. (Can I

please make a call)

He took out the phone from his left

pocket.

Him: I’m not even sure if nginayo I

airtime. (if I have airtime)

He unlocked it and gave it to me.

Him: But ungazama. (But you can try.)

Me: Thank you.

I dialed Amanda’s numbers because I

wasn’t sure about Menzi’s. It said ringing.

Amanda: Hello.

Hearing her voice, brought back a lot of

emotions, mixed emotions.

Amanda: Hello..

Me: Amanda.

My voice was breaking and tears instantly

started making their way down.

Amanda: Nandi is that you?

Me: Yes, I’m at the hospital.

Amanda: Bitch, we are worried about you.

Send me the location, I’m coming.

Me: I’m not using my phone. I’m here by

Netcare Hospital.

Amanda: Okay I’m coming.

She hung up. I gave the security guard

his phone.

Me: Thank you so much.

He held my right shoulder.

Him: Kuzolunga. (It’ll be okay.)

I just nodded and went to sit down by the

reception area so that it wouldn’t be so

hard for Amanda to find me. And what

did she mean when she said “we are

worried.. “? It was already late so I guess

Menzi was too worried and maybe he

called Amanda.

I patiently waited for them and in about

what looked like twenty minutes, I saw

Amanda making her way in and she was

with Menzi. I guess I was right. When she

saw me sitting there, she quickly ran

towards me and hugged me. The worry in

Menzi’s eyes was just too much. I wanted

to hug him, kiss him, I wanted him to

make me feel alright. I broke the hug with

Amanda and looked at Menzi.

Me: I thought I was not gonna see you

again. I thought I wasn’t..

Tears just streamed down with the

realization of what I just said.

Menzi: Come here.

He pulled me to him with his right hand,

since he was using the other one for

balance with the crutch. I wrapped my

arms around his waist and laid my face

on his chest and that is when I really

cried. I broke down, I took out all my

emotions, all the emotions that I locked in

telling myself that I needed to be brave, I

took it all out. He kept on brushing my

chest and continually kissed my forehead.

Menzi: It’s okay, I’m here.

Those words. Today I really felt his

presence. Today I didn’t feel like he was

gone. Today, he really was here and I felt

it with every inch of my body. He broke

the hug and wiped my tears.

Menzi: Why are you here? What

happened?
Where was I going to even start?

Me: Uhm, your brother..

Menzi: My brother?

Me: Zweli is the one in here. He was shot

by your mom and she also shot herself

and unfortunately she didn’t make it.

Menzi: Woah, Woah, Woah.. What are you

saying?

Amanda: What?

Me: That time I went out to go to the

shops, I was kidnapped by some guys.

They took me to this other place and then

that’s when I met your mom. She said

something about Zweli being a part of

this.

Menzi started clenching his jaw and his

eyes started being red.

Menzi: And?

Me: It looks like Menzi wasn’t a part of

this because he came to save me. I think

he knew about it but he was against it.

Your mom wanted to take the..

I couldn’t even finish the sentence, I put

my hand by my mouth and he quickly

pulled me to his chest and I bawled my

eyes out this time.

Me: She wanted to take the baby Menzi.

Amanda looked so confused and it just

caused her pain seeing me like this.

……………
Doctor: He has lost a lot of blood but he

will be fine.

Me: Can we see him?

Doctor: Unfortunately not yet and the

visiting hours are over but you guys can

come tomorrow, he’ll probably be awake.

Menzi was all quiet, he didn’t even say a

word after I told him about what had

happened. I don’t blame him though. He

just lost his mother and his brother is

here fighting for his life.

Amanda: Okay thanks Doc.

Some two police guys came. The other

one was a bit taller and the other one

was just about Menzi’s height, tall but not

too tall.

Him: Good evening. I’m Detective Japhta

and this is Detective Mazibuko.

The tall one was Japhta and the other was

Mazibuko.
Japha: Condolences to your family but I

need to ask you a few questions,

privately.

Menzi tightened my hand and just stood

there.

Amanda: Uhm, you’ll find me in the car.

She left but Menzi remained.

Japhta: Sir, I would like to ask this young

lady a few questions, alone.

Menzi: Alone because? Ungazozenza

ngcono wena Japhta, acting like you don’t

know a thing, you know exactly what

happened, what happens. (Don’t act

better you Japhta)

Japhta: Sir I wou..

Menzi: Hey fokof wena Japhta. Asambe

Nandi . Nx! (Hey fuck off Japhta. Let’s go

Nandi)

He gave the detectives a nasty look and

we left.
Amanda dropped us off by our place

since they came with her car. As soon as I

got home, I took a shower. It was really

longer than usual. I dressed in my pj’s

and went to the kitchen.

Me: What are you doing?

Menzi: Making you food.

Me: Babe, honestly there’s no need. And

you need to rest.

Menzi: I wasn’t asking for your permission

by the way.
I just smiled.

Me: You are sweet, thank you.

He smiled back but his smiled faded

quickly.

Me: Babe, I’m really sorry.

Menzi: Let’s not talk about it.

Me: Why?

Menzi: Just because.. It turns out that I

really don’t have a family. My own mother

tried trafficking my baby and the love of

my life, my brother knew about it all

along and I was out here not knowing a

thing, the biggest fool in the world.

He chucked.

Menzi: And then she shoots herself out of

guilt thinking that I’m going to bawl my

eyes out for her, what in the.. She’s evil

Nandi, she deserved to die the way she

did.

Me: You don’t mean that.

Menzi: Oh, I mean each and every word.

I went and stood in front of him, facing

him.

Me: Come here.

I hugged him and it was my time to let

him know that I was also here.

Me: It’s okay, I’m here.

I could hear him sniffing and it was very

clear that he was crying because I felt

some liquid by my right shoulder.

Me: It’s okay.

It wasn’t okay but even if it wasn’t it

eventually was going to be okay.

……………

A WEEK LATER

It was the funeral, Makhosazane’s funeral.

Menzi didn’t want to come here but I

advised him and told him it was better if

he came here to bury his mother. I’m not

going to lie and say I wanted to come

here, I didn’t want to be here with all my

heart but I had to support Menzi. Zweli

was discharged out of the hospital

yesterday. Amanda came to support me,

Menzi and Zweli. Boikanyo couldn’t

come because of work. A lot of people

didn’t come, it was mostly family.

We went to the cemetery and went back

to Menzi’s parents house. He was

absolutely correct, these people really are

filthy rich. Their house was so huge and

really beautiful. Menzi, Zweli, Amanda

and I, were chilling by the garden when

this other man on a wheelchair came

towards us. He looked exactly like Menzi,

just the older version of him.

Him: My beautiful ladies, thank you for

coming.

Me: It’s a pleasure.

Him: Uh, where are my manners? I am

Nkosinathi Mdletshe, a father to Menzi,

Zweli and my late daughter Nonhlanhla.

He looked at Amanda.

Him: Are you Zweli’s girlfriend?

Amanda: Me? Uhm, no.

Zweli: Ahh taima.

We all laughed except for Menzi. He

wasn’t even looking at his dad, he looked

so infuriated.
Him: Can I steal Menzi just for a few

minutes?

Menzi: Just like you steal humans?

Babies?

Very tense.

Amanda: Uhm Zweli do you guys have

shops near by? I need something ey.

Me: Same.

Zweli: Okay, I’ll drive you guys.

Amanda: No need, we’ll use my car.

We stood up and Menzi remained.

Menzi’s (POV)

I honestly couldn’t stand his presence.

Him, his voice, it’s been two years since I

last saw him but with him right here with

me, it took me back to that day when I

found out about their doings, that doctor

telling us that Nonhlanhla was no more.

Nathi: Thank you for coming Menzi.

Me: It’s not like I had a choice.

Nathi: I heard about your condition,

cancer.

What the fuck, Zweli told him?

Me: Zweli told you that?

Nathi: I’m worried about you. It’s been

years and a lot happened.

Me: Yeah I can see a lot happened, you

finally paid for your sins yeah?

Nathi: One thing I’m not gonna stand

right now is your disrespect, ngiwu yihlo

mfana. (I am your father son)

I faced the other side, I wasn’t in the

mood of entertaining him.

Nathi: I’m so sorry for being so imperfect,

for being a bad parent but everything

that I did, everything was for you, Zweli

and Nono. I took you to best schools, you

guys had everything from cellphones to

clothes and everything else that you guys

needed because I didn’t want you guys to

be just like me. When I grew up, I had

nothing Menzi and I truly didn’t want that

for you guys. After Nonhlanhla, I tried

talking to Makhosazane about stopping

and quitting the trafficking but she never

listened. People came to our house, shit

happened and I got shot. I’m so sorry

Menzi for what happened but I just really

hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive

me.
Whatever that he said, was true. I didn’t

have that much of a relationship with my

mom because her favorite was Zweli but

my dad, he was the best father to me. He

was funny, loving and very strict, but I

knew that he did everything out of love.

Me: And then you planned on trafficking

my baby? How could you dad?

Nathi: What?
Me: You guys kidnapped Nandi and

wanted to traffic her and the baby. Don’t

play dumb, please.

Nathi: I swear to God, I knew nothing

about that. I didn’t know about

Makhosazane’s plans and everything

because we divorced after you.

Me: After me?

Nathi: After you left. I went back to

constructing right after that.

I wanted to believe him but I just

couldn’t.

Nathi: She’s beautiful.

Me: Who?

Nathi: Your fiancé.

Me: Her name’s Nandi and yeah, she’s

amazing.

Nathi: Oh yeah?

Me: Yes.

Nathi: Have you thought of any name

ideas for the baby?

Me: Uhm, I like Shaka but she doesn’t like

it.

Nathi: It’s a boy?

Me: We don’t know yet but I believe it’s a

girl. She thinks it’s a boy.

He laughed and one thing about my

father’s laugh, it was very funny,

contagious.

Me: Still contagious.

Nathi: Still contagious.

We both laughed. I missed this, I missed

him. I knew it then that I was slowly but

surely forgiving him

Insert 14

A MONTH LATER

Me: Do it for us then.

Menzi: I am not going there Nandi.

Menzi’s cancer moved to stage four and

now shit, was really getting real. He

coughed blood again but luckily, he had

his tissue. The doctor told us that it had

moved to stage four but he didn’t want to

go to the hospital. I tried talking to him

about it, begging him but I guess it was

just finally made in his mind that he

wasn’t going to hospital.

Me: Let me get you water.

I took his bottle and went out of the

bedroom to get him water but I honestly

just needed air to breathe because truly

speaking, it was very hard for me. I heard

a knock and quickly blinked my tears

back. I opened the door and it was Zweli.

Me: Hey.

I opened the door wider for him to make

his way in.

Zweli: You good?

I closed the door and nodded.

Zweli: You sure?

I shook my head the second time because

I wasn’t good, I wasn’t okay. Tears made

their way down my cheeks.

Me: He doesn’t want to go to hospital,

Zweli. I just don’t know why he’s refusing

because he’s getting worse each and

every day.

I wiped my tears.
Zweli: There’s something about our

family, we just don’t believe in Western

medicine and hospitals. If he wants to be

here, let him be. All that you can do is

spend more time with him before it is too

late.

I tried blinking my tears back but I just

couldn’t this time.

Zweli: You will be fine.

He went to the bedroom and I stood

there by the kitchen, silently crying. I

poured the water on the bottle for him

and went to the bedroom. I placed the

water by the table.

Me: It’s your water.

I took my phone by the dressing table.

Me: Do you need anything Zweli?

Zweli: No, I’m fine.

Me: Menzi?

Menzi: Don’t worry about me babe, I’m

alright. Are you going somewhere?

Me: No, I’m just here at the patio by the

balcony.

Menzi: Okay.

I nodded and went out of the bedroom.

I was close to eight months of pregnancy

and I just wanted to give birth because I

looked like an elephant and I was always

tired. I called Amanda and it rang and

after about what looked like fifteen

seconds, she picked up.

Amanda: Nandzzz.

Me: Ama.

Amanda: Unjani mngani wami? (How are

you my friend?)

I sighed loudly.

Me: Same shit, different day. Menzi is

getting worse and he doesn’t want to go

to the hospital.

Amanda: You know there are people who

don’t like hospitals and maybe he’s just

one of those. Let him be friend.

Me: Funny how Zweli said the same thing

that you just said.

Amanda: Really? Where is he by the way?

Me: With Menzi. What’s popping between

you guys?

Amanda: Urgh man, nothing honestly.

Menzi is just my friend.

Me: Friend?

Amanda: I’m telling you and he’s just not

my type.

Me: Ohh really?

She chuckled.

Amanda: Yes, really.

Me: So what are you planning on doing

since Blaze Talents didn’t work out?

She made it to the top ten but didn’t win.

Amanda: I don’t know, I’m thinking of

leaving this modeling idea and just focus

on real things?

Me: What is modeling, games? Sometimes

you just got lose to win Amanda. You

love modeling and we all know that and

to hell with giving it up. We don’t give up,

right?

Amanda: Mhm, Doctor Phil.

We both laughed.

Me: But I’m serious.

Amanda: I know you are, thanks Nandzzz.

Me: Anything for you.

…………...
I had just finished cooking supper and I

went to the bedroom to give him food.

He was writing something in a book.

Me: What are you writing?

He quickly closed his book.

Menzi: Something that you cannot see

now.

Me: Uhm and when am I gonna see it?

Menzi: When the time’s right.

Me: Mm, okay. Can’t wait.

Menzi: What did you cook?

Me: Cheesy spaghetti.

Menzi: Ha baby, ngikhathele ileziy’

ntambo zakho ispaghetti. Ngihalele nje

inyama, inyama ewosiwe nje yabo, uthi

nepapa, hayi leziy’ntambo. (I’m tired of

your strings, spaghetti. I’m just craving

meat, braaied meat with pap, not these

strings.)

I couldn’t help myself but laugh.

Me: These strings are good for your

health, not meat.

I sat beside him and watched him eat.

Menzi: You’re beautiful.

Me: Please don’t lie to me.

Menzi: I’m not.

Me: Yes you are, I look like an elephant.

He chuckled.

Me: See?

Menzi: That’s not true babe.

Me: Mxm. You know Zweli told me that

you guys don’t believe in western

medicine and hospitals.

Menzi: Yes we don’t.

Me: Why?

Menzi: In my case, I wanna leave this

world in a good place not a hospital.

Many souls die there, I want something

unique.

Me: I’m serious.

Menzi: I’m also serious. Oh and my dad

wanted us to move in with him.

Me: And?

Menzi: I said no.

Me: Why?

Menzi: I’m used to being with you and I

want to spend my last days with you.

My heart wrecked into a million pieces. I

didn’t want to think about him leaving

too much so I changed the subject.

Me: Babe, did you know that I love

reading?

Menzi: Duh.

Me: Don’t say “duh” you hypocrite, you

didn’t know.

Menzi: Jesus, I knew.

Me: Okay, can we please do something

together.

Menzi: Something together?

Me: I want us to read a book together.

Menzi: Babe, I don’t read books.

Me: Please, it’s my favorite book.

Menzi: Your favorite?

I nodded.

Menzi: That means you know it.

He laughed.

Me: Please.

I made a sad face.

Menzi: Don’t do that, you look like an

elephant.

Me: Jesus I’m better, have you seen

yourself? You look like a monkey.

He placed the bowl by the table next to

our bed.

Menzi: I look like a what?

Me: A monkey is a bit cute, you look like

a gorilla.

He held me tight and started tickling me.

I couldn’t stop laughing and I was taking

out my bad laugh. He was also laughing.

Menzi: Your laugh is my new favorite

thing, I swear.

He laughed.
Me: I love yours.

We were both laughing our asses out,

being the most stupidest human beings

in the world but I liked being a fool, with

him.

Insert 15

He was getting worse everyday. The

coughing, the breathing, his voice,

everything. He even lost a lot of weight

which was a bit scary. I was slowly

accepting it everyday that he was going

to leave me, that he was going to leave

us.

We were both watching TV.

Me: Are you comfortable?

He nodded. The baby instantaneously

kicked.

Me: He just kicked.

He placed his hand on my tummy.

Menzi: He’s the next Neymar.

He chuckled.

Me: Life is so unfair.

Menzi: What makes you say that?

Me: Why does it have to be like this? Why

during my pregnancy do I have

experience so much pain?

Tears streamed down my face.

Menzi: It’s okay, I’m here.

I hugged him and bawled my eyes out.

Me: I love you so much and it’s killing me.

Menzi: It’s okay.

Me: It’s not.

He squeezed me to him and continually

kissed my forehead. I broke the hug to

look at him and his face was full with

tears. I glanced at him and pecked his

lips. They were a bit dry but I honestly

did not care, I wanted to kiss him. The

kiss was very deep and it felt like I was

kissing him for the last time. He grabbed

me and touched me in a way that I

wanted him to. I needed him to hold me

like that.

It was already eight pm and we went to

bed. I laid on top of his chest, listening to

his heartbeat softly beating.

Menzi: Do you know why I like the name

Shaka?

Me: No.

Menzi: Because you’re Nandi.

Me: I don’t get it.

Menzi: Shaka Zulu’s mom was Nandi.

Me: Oh.

I chuckled.

Me: Now it makes sense. I think I like it.

He kissed my forehead.

Menzi: I love you.

Me: I love you too Menzi.

I compressioned my body with his and

held him dearly.

Menzi always woke up before me but

today I woke up first. I kissed his cheek.

Me: Morning.

No movement, just silence.

Me: Menzi.

Still no motion, just silence. My heart

started pounding to a point that I heard it

myself.

Me: No, Menzi!

I shook his body but he didn’t respond,

he didn’t open his eyes, he did not move.

I slightly slapped his face multiple times

but still, nothing.

At this point I didn’t know what to do. I

just drew him closer to me and bawled

my eyes out, wailing.

Me: It’s okay, you’re here.

I wanted him to tell me that. I wanted to

hear those words from him, “it’s okay, I’m

here” but he was no longer here, he was

gone. My body was filled with nothing

but Agony.
 ……………….

It’s been two weeks after he left but it felt

the same. I decided to do some spring

cleaning in our bedroom. I changed the

curtains and arranged the closet. With

just doing the bedroom only, I was

already tired. I opened the drawer and I

came across with a notebook. The book

was very familiar, “you will see it when

the time is right”. Now I remember.

I took it out from the drawer and sat on

top of the bed and opened it.

Dear Nandi

This letter is for you and only you. I

wanted you to read this when I’m gone so

if I’m still here, put that down.

Time really flew in a blink of an eye.

Remember when we first met, on the 17th

of April and you were wearing a black t-

shirt with your hair tied neatly with those

huge beautiful eyes and smile, you were

calling me out on all of my shit, and I

knew then that I was falling for you. You

were very kind to me even though I was a

bit mean. You continued being very kind

to me because that’s just how you have

been, kind. I really never told you why I

was mean to you on that day. On that

day, I found about my condition,

bronchial cancer and I just didn’t know

what to do, how to feel, what to think

about besides it but as the time went by,

I accepted it. Please do not be sad

because I’ll always be here. I’m still here

and it’ll always be like that.

I really never thought that I was going to

find someone as amazing as you. You

were amazing from the starting of our

relationship till the end, you remained the

same. To my baby boy, tell him about me

whenever you get chance and I have

great feeling, he’s definitely going to be

my twin. I will forever love you guys. I’ll

see you when the time is right.

Menzi

I wiped the tears off my face and more

tears made their way down. I felt so much

agony within me but I knew that it was

going to be alright. It was not easy but

life was not meant to be easy nor fair. All

that I had kept me with me, was the

memories.

THE EPILOGUE

TEN YEARS LATER

“Happy birthday dear Shaka, happy

birthday to you.”

“Hip-hip, hooray!”

I whispered in his ear.

Me: Make a wish.

He squeezed his eyes and blew the

candles.

“Happy!”

Zweli gave him the gift bag.

Zweli: Check it out.

He gave Zweli one of his brightest smiles.

Shaka: Thank you so much Uncle Zweli.

He stood up from the chair and hugged

Zweli.

Zenokuhle: What was your wish?

Zweli: Wishes aren’t supposed to be

known by anyone besides you, the

wisher.

Zenokuhle: So on my birthday, I get to

make a wish and I don’t tell anyone?

Zweli: Yes princess.

Zenokuhle: But I will tell you my wishes.

Zweli: Oh you will?

Zenokuhle: Yeah.

Zweli picked up our little beautiful baby

girl and spun her around whilst she took

out her cutest giggles.

A lot of things happened in these ten

years. The baby was a boy and I named

him Shaka. He really looked like Menzi

and just like Menzi asked, I told Shaka

about him. Zweli kept his promise and

never left my side, our side. We got

married five years ago and I gave birth to

our beautiful baby girl, Zenokuhle.

Amanda moved to America a year ago

and I guess Boikanyo and I grew apart. I

got my degree in nursing and I got myself

a beautiful family also. I had to do one

thing though.

I went upstairs and went to our bedroom.

I took out my notebook and teared a

page from it. I took out the pen from the

drawer.

Dear Menzi

He’s ten. He’s getting bigger and

handsome just like you. I never noticed it

but come to think if it, he has your eyes. I

tell him about you every time I get a

chance, just like you asked. I hope you’re

celebrating up there in heaven. We miss

you and we love you.

Nandi

Every time when it was Shaka’s birthday, I

always wrote Menzi letters and kept them

in a jar. I folded the paper and inserted it

in a jar when Zenokuhke made her way.

Zenokuhle: Mommy it’s a Friday.

Me: And?
Zenokuhle: Dining room dance party!

Me: Yes!

I closed the jar and placed it on the box

where I keep my stuff.

Zenokuhle: Come mommy.

She took my hand and we went to the

dining room.

Better by Da Capo ft. Jethro Tait started

playing.
One thing about my family and I, we

really loved dancing but dancing really

didn’t like us.

The Playlist
Woza My Love - Blaq Diamond

Can you stand the rain - New Edition

Till forever falls apart – Ashe ft FINNEAS

Cardigan – Taylor Swift

Coastline – Hollow Coves

Another Love – Tom Odell

No fear – DeJ Loaf

Ubomi Abumanga – Sun El Musician

Viva The Legend – Zonke

A mountain with no ending – Classix

Little did you know – Alex&Sierra

Better – Da Capo

Hurts so good – Astrid S

APPRECIATION

I would like to thank each and every

single person that took their time to read

this book. Thank you to everyone that has

supported my writing. I have to say, this

is one of the hardest books that I ever

had to write. My goal when I wrote this

book, was to remind people that they’re

never alone. You’re not alone in what

you’re going through. It might feel like

the end of the world, you might feel like

giving up on everything but that is not

the solution. Just have hope, believe that

you already have what you wished for

and you will see. I would like to thank all

my friends for supporting me in my

writing journey. I would also love to thank

my readers for loving my work, you guys

are amazing, I love you so much. And, to

more books!

Email: [email protected]

Contacts: 071 130 8541

Instagram: @itsyagirl_philile
The Agony