Four Flat Whites in Italy By Roger Hall © R. Hall 2009 FOR ALL PERMISSIONS AND ENQUIRIES CONTACT: NEW ZEALAND PLAYWRIGHTS PLAYMARKET: AGENT. ADVISOR. BOOKSHOP info@[Link] +64 4 382 8462 If this script was received electronically one copy only may be printed by the recipient, Please contact us if further copies are required. infringement of copyright is illegal Its an infringement of copyright to give a public performance or reading of any play, either in its entirety or in excerpts, without prior written consent from the author or their designated agent. It is also an infringement of copyright to copy alll or part of any play by any means ofFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 2 CHARACTERS ADRIAN. Recently retired librarian from the University. Uptight ALISON His wife, who was also a librarian. V. uptight. HARRY Retired businessman, Had a plumbing supplies company. Bluff, outspoken, right wing. guDY His second, younger (but not by very much), wife. Outgoing and sexy. AN ITALIAN MALE (plays many parts)Waiters (various); Gondolier; “Centurion”; Beggar; Count (owner of the villa) AN ITALIAN FEMALE Hotel clerk, Waitress, Tour Guide, Avis car hire woman, Nicola (co-owner of the villa); Dress shop assistant IME: While Adrian speaks to us in the present day, the action of the play takes place in 2007 NOTE [Link] the words for dialogue for ADRIAN are printed in bold and italic ADRIAN And then I did something stupid. it means he is addressing the audience directly.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 3 ALISON AND ADRIAN’S APARTMENT ALISON IS SEATED AT THE TABLE WITH A BOOK, ADRIAN ADDRESSES US ADRIAN Holidays..travel..not always the same thing.. This is a holiday that didn’t go as Planned. .almost but not quite. Alison and I had recently moved. Couple of years ago. 2007 to be precise. How long ago it all seems now: Labour still had nearly 18 months left, George Bush thought he was winning in Irag because they hanged Saddam. The property market was still booming, the share market was booming.. ..And (NZ only) every night before the news, Richard Long reassured us that Hanover was “a New Zealand business with the size and strength to withstand any conditions. We did what more and more New Zealanders were doing then. Sold a house and bought an apartment. No maintenance, no gardening, and that terrible land agents’ term “lock up and leave”. But true enough. The apartment was the usual sort of thing: two bedrooms, nice outlook, fifth floor, balcony. Most of the other--I was going to say “inmates but you know what I mean-- all our age or thereabouts I had retired from the University Library; Alison was a librarian too-fun couple, eh?-but had given up work some years previously For various reasons we hadn’t been able to get away on an overseas trip for a number of years, so to say we were looking forward to going to Italy was an understatement. Italy. Eighty percent of the world’s art treasures are within a hundred mile radius of Rome And, let’s face it, Italy is Italy.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 4 Alison went to evening classes in Italian, and reinforced it from a book. ALISON SAYING WORDS FROM A BOOK ALISON ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN BOTH ADRIAN Dove? Come? Quando? Dove lufficio prentazioni, per favor? I was more of a realist: learn a few pleasantries yes, but when I had a go at French Years ago I could ask the question but never understand the answer. As well as learning Italian, Alison had certainly done her homework TO ADRIAN I've done the Eye Witness guide, The Rough Guide, but I’m going to take with us Lonely Planet. That’s the one most geared to us. Anyway, it was our friends Tim and Erica planned the trip. Now we were free, and that finally we had a bit of spare cash from selling the house, they asked us if we’d like to come along. "Have the adventure, before the dementia”. They’d worked out the itinerary, made bookings, all that. Three days in Venice, three in Rome, then relax in a villa in Tuscany. Not the most logical of travelling but it all centred round when they could get the villa. We'd travelled with them before, mostly in New Zealand, but we all got on together, that was the main thing. Anyway, tonight (IN THE PLAY) we're going to a lot of places. Hotels, restaurants, shopping. And come across a lot of Italians. MAN AND WOMAN ENTER ah, right. Our all-purpose Italian man and woman. SMILING AND GREETING THE AUDIENCE Buona sera. Buona sera. FIRMLY USHERING THEM OFF Yes, yes, thank you. HARRY AND JUDY ENTERFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 5 ADRIAN Tim and Erica? No. Understandable assumption. In fact Harry and Judy our newly-acquired next door neighbours. They wanted to have us round for a drink, welcome us etc (he was on the Body Corp) but their place was being re-decorated, so we said OK fine you come over to us. And we found out that they played bridge. THEY SIT AT THE TABLE ADRIAN HARRY ADRIAN JUDY HARRY guDY HARRY ADRIAN Harry was a retired plumber. Actually I had a plumbing supplies business. (70 ALISON) My sons run it now. His first wife had died a few years previously. vudy, was his second wife. TO ALTSON I want you to know I’m not a trophy wife. You are to me, my love. When I was his secretary at work everyone thought I was his mistress but I wasn’t. Made up for it since, haven't we my love. Yes..they had a lot of sex. Or seemed to, which from my point of view amounted to the same thing. I found it..unsettling. ADRIAN SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. THEY ARE NOW PLAYING CARDS ALISON suDY ADRIAN sUDY Doesn't matter if you don’t play bridge, I’11 let you know what you need to know. We've been looking forward to this trip for so long. But you’ve been to Italy before? No. (SURPRISED) Oh.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 6 ADRIAN HARRY ALISON ADRIAN HARRY JUDY HARRY ADRIAN HARRY ALISON HARRY JUDY: HARRY: France, Greece..years ago. But never Italy. We weren’t able to get away in recent years. Italy’s nice. We're going with friends. They've been before. Know the place. Hiring a car. Tim was going to do the driving. They knew I wouldn’t drive. Good thing about driving in France and Italy, you can put your foot down. Not like here in Nanny State. It's time we went again, Harry. We do love it. Flying business? You're joking! our time of life, we can’t cope with cattle class. The reality is we can’t afford (that)— Well. It’s amazing what a well set-up Trust can accommodate. Pass. Harry! 1 don’t think you’ve had an opening bid all night! Tell me about it. ADRIAN AND ALISON BOTH BRISTLE A BIT AT THE WORD ‘TRUST’ BUT LET IT PASS. ADRIAN ADRIAN gUDY ALISON HARRY A trust? I’m afraid trusts are not something Alison and I believe in. I did the maths once. To go business class you pay about $200 an hour extra. Pass Sometimes it’s worth it. Pass Hardly! 3 hearts. A lot of people in these apartments would fly business class.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 7 ADRIAN JUDY ALISON ADRIAN HARRY ADRIAN sUDY HARRY ADRIAN HARRY ALISON ADRIAN HE LEAVES ALISON Lucky them. This place is full of the “we've done very well thank you very much”. No Labour voters here. Well, there are now. There was a bit of silence. But then we told them we’d both been librarians... Ah.. That seemed to explain it. It’s probably better not to mention the Labour party in front of Harry. Anyone in business would agree. My understanding is that businesses have never had it so good! Oh really! There speaks someone who’s never run a business. OSH, resource management Act, rise in the minimum wage, a week's extra holidays, can’t fire anybody--. DEFLATING THE SITUATION (TO ADRIAN) Show them the hat! Right, I will yes. TRE ROOM Hardest place to get accommodation was Venice, . Tim and Erica did the bookings, they said it was hard to get in anywhere.. It’s just a pensione but at least it’s got a central location. ADRIAN ENTERS WITH A HAT ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN The Tilley hat. My birthday present to him. (PUTTING DOWN HER CARDS) The rest are mine. (THEY OTHERS CONCEDE THE HAND) Always wanted one. Can’t blow off, if it falls in the water it will float. Washable. Got aFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 8 HARRY ADRIAN HARRY ALISON ADRIAN HARRY ALISON HARRY HARRY ADRIAN HARRY ALISON guby HARRY gUDY HARRY JUDY HARRY little pocket here for emergency currency, your name and address, your spare credit card-- (HAS BEEN DEALING) A condom. Even 2 user’s guide. HE HOLDS UP A TINY BOOK OF INTRUCTIONS “made with Canadian persnickertiness..” Don’t you love that? Are we playing any more bridge? Of course. Yes! Yes. Sorry. Couple more rounds? We've got all night. We tend to be early risers. Which means-~ ..early to bed early to rise means a damn boring life. DEALS How is it, your sons taking over the business. Working out OK? Pretty woll. Hardest thing is leaving them alone to get on with it. T mean, God, it’s not as if they were ever plumbers. I mean I did the six years apprenticeship and they do MBAs~ When you retired, I hope they all gave you a nice present when you left. They did. Me. That's when we got married. I’m still a comparative beginner at Bridge. Harry's first wife was very good. She was. Harry’s boys were her sons, of course. She didn’t like becoming an instant grandmother, did you my love?Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall guDY ALISON ADRIAN JUDY ALISON HARRY ADRIAN guDY HARRY Step grandmother. Lucky you. We’ve never had any grandchildren Pass. Pass. Pass. ‘Two clubs. That's a lot of points. Doesn’t come up that often. Your partner has to respond. Pass. Ooh. “Two clubs.” I have to respond to that don’t I? only if you want to stay married to me, my Love. PHONE RINGS HARRY (DESPERATE TO PLAY THE HAND) Don’t answer it! BUT ALISON DOES. ALISON ADRIAN ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN HARRY Erica! Yes. Exica of Tim and Erica. Could I possibly ring you back? Yes. We're just in the middle of bridge-oh no That’s terrible. Is he all (right)? 0h no. Oh nooo! Yes, well of course give Tim our love..I'11 ring you in the morning RINGS OFF FIRMLY Two clubs. Not good? Tim slipped in the bath and broke his ankle Oh God no. Oh God NOIIII! Two clubs!Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 10 ALISON JUDY HARRY JUDY HARRY gODY ALISON ADRIAN ALISON gUDY HARRY We can’t go, we can’t go. BURSTS INTO TEARS The trip of a lifetime. Oh surely! two clubs!! Shut up Harry. Pass. You can’t pass. I've told you! God, this is the one good hand I've had all n Surely you can go on your own, can’t you. T know it won't be the same, but— Tim was our driver. I don’t drive in Europe. Adrian doesn’t drive at all. Ever. Ever!! That's terrible! How disappointing. I am sorry. Oh for god’s sake! We'll come. I’11 drive. Two clubs!! HARRY, JUDY AND ALISON EXIT. ADRIAN So. That's how it came about that our next door neighbours became our travelling companions And we hardly knew them. Oh they weren't axe murderers or ate their peas off a knife, nothing like that. But fair to say they weren’t people like us. Never going to be soul mates But they were going to make our trip possible, for which we were grateful. When Harry said that they’d come with us Judy did mutter something about another trip she had thought they would be going on..but he simply said she was to trust him and they left it at that Of course we discussed this - should we go should we cancel the trip, but we would have lost all out deposits. And so, early September ~ the fares always go down on September 1°* - we set off.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall Harry and Judy did travel business class, but got us into the lounge which was sweet of them. Plane delayed on the way over, arrived in Rome late, missed our connection to Venice..so in the end we were about four hours late. We had the address of our pensione...but finding it was something else. I expect you know what Venice is like: a confusing maze of alleyways. ADRIAN EXITS VENICE STREET JUDY AND HARRY ENTER WEARILY. THEY ARE WEARING SMART CLOTHES. THEY HAVE GOOD QUALITY LUGGAGE (A LOT OF IT) PLUS (PERHAPS) A DUTY FREE BAG WITH BOTTLES IN (GIN). HARRY IS HOLDING A STREET MAP A MOMENT LATER ADRIAN AND ALISON ENTER OUTFITTED BY KATHMANDU AT ITS MOST SENSIBLE AND DREARIEST. THEIR LUGGAGE IS SMALLER, MORE “SENSIBLE”. THEY WEAR DAY PACKS. ALISON HAS A STREET MAP TOO. HARRY We've been in this square before! ALISON I said it was back there. THEY STOP. PEER AROUND AT STREET SIGNS ETC ALISON INDICATING HER MAP We’ re here. HARRY INDICATING HIS MAP No we’re not, we're here. ADRIAN INDICATING ON ALISON’S MAP We came over here, this bridge— ALISON No, it was this bridge. JUDY I’m going to lie down right here in the street. A WAITER ENTERS TOUTING FOR CUSTOM AT HIS RESTAURANT WAITER You eat here? Enter! Si, si! ALISON IN HALTING ITALIAN. Scusi, per favore. Puo indicarmi dove sono er..er..Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 12 WAITER | (CAN’T UNDERSTAND) Che? STILL TRYING TO GET THEM TO EAT Sit. Per favor. JUDY SHOWS HIM THE ADDRESS OF THE HOTEL. WAITER Si, si. Is close. Giusto..sinistza..giusto. .HE GIVES THEM ELABORATE INSTRUCTIONS, INDICATING RIGHT AND LEFT TURNS WITH HIS HAND. THEY SET OFF. ADRIAN You can guess what’s going to happen. A MOMENT OR TWO LATER THEY RETURN TO WHERE THEY SET OFF FROM. JUDY/ HARRY/ ALISON Oh no. ADRIAN It wasn’t funny at the time! guDY This is too much. I've had it. ADRIAN In the end we found it. The lobby was on top of a steep flight of stairs. (At COUNTER OF THE VENICE PENSIONE) NO ONE AT THE COUNTER. ALISON RINGS THE BELL. WOMAN ENTERS ALISON HANDS OVER BOOKING CONFIRMATION. ALISON ITALIAN Buona sera. HARRY AND JUDY ENTER OUT OF BREATH FROM HAVING LUGGED UP THEIR LUGGAGE. ALISON We have booked two rooms... HARRY Duo rooms con bagno. CLERK PEERS AT IT. ALISON She’ 1] need our passports. HARRY AND JUDY HAVE THEIRS READY.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 13 ADRIAN FINDS HIS PASSPORT, ALISON And the credit card. ADRIAN -I_ know. HE STARTS GOING THROUGH ALL HIS NUMEROUS POCKETS. ALISON Why don’t you put it where you'll remember where it is! ADRIAN I have! I always do! CLERK Alas! My marito. ALISON Husband. CLERK You very late. He say you not coming. HARRY We were. We're here. CLERK You not tell us. He give those rooms to two American couples. HARRY Well get them out of there! CLERK SHRUGS Not possible. But you are in two rooms side by side. Very nice. Bagno in corridor. ALISON: (10 ADRIAN) Bathroom. In the corridor. HARRY oh God. ALISON But just us four share the bathroom? CLERK The bathroom for the whole floor.. Is good. Only five rooms. POINTING UP HARRY We'll go somewhere else. CLERK Everywhere is full HARRY The Lido. CLERK Is full., Everywhere full. Film Festival. HARRY Bugger. ADRIAN STILL RUMMAGING THROUGH POCKETS.Four Flat Whi sUDY ALISON ADRIAN ALISON sUDY CLERK CLERK guby THEY HEAD CLERK ADRIAN CLERK ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN ites 2011 Roger Hall 14 Where is a good place to eat round here? HISSING I’ve sorted all that out! WAVES HER LONELY PLANET GUIDE Ah. HE HAS FOUND HIS CREDIT CARD AND HANDS IT OVER TO THE CLERK. It says there’s a really good cafeteria near here. A cafeteria! Our first night in Venice! HAS PRINTED HAND-OUT MAP OF VENICE. PUTS RINGS ROUND A COUPLE OF PLACES. Pasta ristorante. 200 metres. In garden. Is very nice. Sounds great. What say we all unpack, have a shower, meet down here..in an hour? OFF FROM THE COUNTER. Signor! STOPS Your (credit) card! Our rooms. Small, Single beds. Tight squeeze between them. Wardrobe with Only one coat hanger! Worst of all for some of us.. WE SEE BOTH ROOMS SIMULTANEOUSLY IONS SEEMINGLY OVERLAP BUT, OF COURSE, NEITHER ‘CONVERSAT: COUPLE CAN HEAR EACH OTHER. . HARR oh no! gUDY: What? HARRY There’s no telly! sUDY It's only three nights. ADRIAN ‘There comes a point in your life when you are no longer prepared to share a bathroom. But weFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 15 had it forced upon us and, of course, all four of us desperate to have a shower, wash and brush up, all that. HE TRIES A DOOR. LOCKED. GOES BACK TO HIS “ROOM” (OR: JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO GET TO THE BATHROOM A GERMAN MALE TOURIST GETS THERE BEFORE HIM, SAYS “Guten Abend” AS HE GOES IN.) ADRIAN RETURNS TO ‘THE ROOM. ADRIAN Someone already in the bathroom ALISON Keep an eye out for whenever they leave. ADRIAN SITS ON HIS BED. HARRY How can there be no telly! ADRIAN NODS OFF. ALISON Don’t go to sleep! ADRIAN Have to. ALISON Don’t! ADRIAN Have to. ALISON Hang on until you have a shower. JUDY GETS HER TOILET BAG, IN SARONG, TAKES A CELL PHONE, HEADS OFF FOR THE BATHROOM, ADRIAN Oh _no. ALISON What? ADRIAN Judy. She’s standing outside the bathroom door. Waiting. ALISON In the corridor! Where everyone can see her? ADRIAN You’re not likely to miss her.Roger Hall 16 ALISON I wonder about that woman. You were next. Then me! ADRIAN How would she know that! I can hardly go out and say it... Ah..she’s in, she’s got in. ALISON Stay there..right there..and as soon as she comes out, get in quick. Then hold it for me. Have you used your Bowels since we left? ADRIAN No. ALISON Did you take one of those pills? ADRIAN No. ALISON You should have. ADRIAN ‘I'd rather be constipated than the other. ALISON Have you got any washing? ADRIAN We've only just got here. ALISON Doesn’t mean to say you haven't got ADRIAN Alison I do not want to spend our first night in Venice with your knickers spread over the radiators? Hardly romantic. ALISON Romantic would have been a room with a balcony over-looking The Grand Canal. Which, if things had worked out differently, we might have been able to afford. TENSE PAUSE ADRIAN Great start to the holiday, Allie, Couldn’t we, while we're here, forget the past? ALISON Forget, no. Not mention, yes. Sorry. THE PHONE RINGS IN HARRY’S ROOM. HARRY Right. HE EXITS, WE SEE HIM GO IN AND JUDY COMES OUT.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 7 ADRIAN Harry's gone in! He went straight to the door she opened it and went in. How did they do that! PAUSE ALISON (SADLY) I wish Tim and Erica had come.. ADRIAN I did, too, You know how people can have the right knack for wearing clothes? Not me. Harry had it. And the man was a plumber. She had the clothes knack, too. Not stylish exactly, but knew how to show herself to best advantage HARRY AND JUDY ON STAGE. HARRY HAS HIS SWEATER DRAPED OVER HIS SHOULDERS IN THE FRENCH WAY. FADE UP MUSIC: ADRIAN Harry could do the draping the sweater over the shoulders thing. God I wished I could do that. RESTAURANT THEY ENTER AND SIT AT THE TABLE. ADRIAN The restaurant. Set in a garden. Popular with locals as well as tourists. Prices not too bad. A good start to the holiday. A WAITER POURS BUBBLY WINES INTO THEIR GLASSES. HARRY Here we all are! In Venice! A few hours late, but made it. [Link]’s to a grand holiday. Salute! ADRIAN And here’s to you for making it possible. JUDY Bubbles. ROLLING THE WORD LOVINGLY Prosecco.. THE WAITER IS READY FOR THEIR ORDERS HARRY Have we all made up our minds? (TO EAT) ADRIAN Spaghetti carbonara. ALISON You always have that.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 18 ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN Juby HARRY WALTER HARRY ADRIAN HARRY ALISON WAITER HARRY WAITER JUDY ALISON ADRIAN ALISON guy ALISON I like it. I was hoping we might share a pizza. This was Alison being budget-conscious. Er.. all right. You choose. Margherita. You always have that! Veal scaloppini. The steak ..whatsit? Bistecca alla fiorentina Yes. Sounds OK, eh. Everything they chose was about twice the price of what we were having. Fair enough. They could afford it Oh and we’1l have an antipasto for everyone. We’ re not very hung-~ And to drink? What do you recommend? A nice red Leave it to me, KISSES HIS FINGERS TO INDICATE SOMETHING SPECIAL. EXITS Isn’t this great Yes. And it was! It really was! Eating outside, the buzz of locals and tourists, the whole feeling. We were in Venice! Could I suggest tomorrow Yes? Well, we know we’re going to feel tired tomorrow. Still be jet lagged. So why not do some walking first, and then when we've hadFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 19 enough, want to get the weight off our feet, go on the vaporetto. HARRY Vaporetto? ALISON: The ferries. READING FROM HER GUIDE BOOK “Phe best way to see Venice at almost no cost is to ride the vaporetto round the Grand Canal until it brings you back to where you started”. HARRY Whatever. Play it by ear, I reckon. Ah! THE WAITER HAS ARRIVED WITH A BOTLE OF RED WINE. ALISON No! What I’m trying to say is we have such a limited time in Venice, we should really plan ~ Adrian! ADRIAN I'd nodded off. Woke up when the food arrived and the meal passed pleasantly enough. WAITER PRESENTS THE BILL IN A LEATHER FOLDER. WAITER Signor. ADRIAN And then came that moment crucial in any holiday.. HARRY TO THE OTHERS Just cut the bill in half, OK? HE TOSSES HIS CREDIT CARD ONTO THE FOLDER. ALISON AND ADRIAN MOUTHS OPEN AT THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL. ALTSON But I only had one glass of-- JUDY I can’t bear it when people haggle over who had what..all that. ADRIAN But... HARRY EXAMINING THE BILL Fuck me! guby How much was the wine? HARRY Don't ask. Hell’s teeth! JUDY MILDLY I’ve told you before Harry, never trust a waiter to choose the wine.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 20 HARRY I’m a slow learner, my love. You two choose the wine, next time, fair enough? THEY ACCEPT IT IN GRIM SILENCE ADRIAN That night, Alison and I were both wide awake at 3am. And seething. ALISON I had one glass of wine! On ADRIAN You and I shared a pizza. ALISON And then they had the cheek to get us to split the bill!!! ADRIAN ‘That/s National party voters for you. IMAGES OF VENICE, FINISHING WITH ST MARK'S SQUARE ADRIAN But next morning. A lovely day and we were in Venice! Started to do the sights. On foot. But what with jet lag and a bad night, by the time we got to St Mark’s Square we were walking zombies. THE FOUR OF THEM ENTER HOT AND TIRED. BOTH HARRY AND ADRIAN HAVE CAMERAS HARRY STOPS HARRY I need a coffee ALISON Me too, but not here. HARRY Yes. Here, right here. Now. ALISON Lonely Planet says “on no account have coffee in St Mark’s square. The price will be several times what—” HARRY Tell Lonely Planet to look at it this way: not that you’re paying ten dollars, say, for a coffee; you're paying ten dollars to sit in one of the world’s great squares and you get a cup of coffee thrown in. guby Otherwise we might just as well be back home.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 21 ADRIAN He's right. THEY ALL SIT AT THE ‘TABLE. ALISON (TO ADRIAN) At this rate we'll run out of money by the end of the week. ADRIAN —- HUSHES HER WHILE THEY ARE ALL ORDERING COFFEE, ADRIAN REMOVES THE LOWER HALF OF HIS TROUSERS, THUS CONVERTING HIS LONGS INTO SHORTS. WAITER Buon giorno. HARRY Latte for me, capppucino for my love, you two? ADRIAN Flat white, well no, they don’t have that here do they? Cappucino. ALISON Espresso. WAITER GOES ADRIAN Espresso? ALISON It’s not the done thing in Italy to have milk in coffee after breakfast. Well..up to eleven, I think. In fact, Harry, I think you'll find that what you have ordered— A PHONE RINGS. HARRY GETS IT FROM HIS POCKET. HARRY: (ANSWERING PHONE) Harry. ALISON AND ADRIAN REACT WITH HORROR ADRIAN A mobile phone! I knew how Alison would react to this. HARRY EXPLAINING TO JUDY Richard. They’re in Lyon. gUDY TO OTHERS Richard’s his son. HARRY GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY A BIT TO TALK TO RICHARD. ALISON The phone! You brought your phone! On holiday!Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 22 JUDY Well, of course! ALISON Damn phones—they’re everywhere. And everyone talks so loudly-- especially in restaurants. gupy Well. Sorree..but there’s no way we would travel without a phone. ALISON In my opinion they’re boys’ toys.. guDY I think you’re a bit out of touch. ADRIAN We were. (TO JUDY) They can be a bit anti- social... JUDY (SOKING) Like taking your trousers off while people have coffee? ADRIAN STILL STRUGGLING WITH THEM Just so hot! HARRY RETURNS. All going well. They’re with a good group and the food's great. HARRY TAKES SOME PHOTOS OF ADRIAN. ALISON Don’t take his photo! Not like that! ADRIAN Nice camera, Harry. HARRY canon G7. Latest model. Does just about everything. Zoom, continuous shooting, video, Loads of pixels ... ADRIAN He meant twice as many pixels as mine. Bastard! SHOWS ALISON THE PICS HE'S TAKEN. ALISON ‘That looks awful! HARRY Yeah but technically brilliant. PRESSES There you are—-deleted. WAITER BRINGS THREE COFFEES AND A GLASS OF MILK (WHICH HE PUTS IN FRONT OF HARRY) . LEAVES THEM WITH THE BILL. HARRY REALISES HE’S MADE A MISTAKE, BUT TAKES ITFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 23 ALISON When you order latte in Italy, what you're asking for is a milk. HARRY DANGEROUSLY I know. That's why I ordered it. ALISON But you said before you needed a coffee. A DANGEROUS SILENCE ADRIAN NUDGES HER TO SHUT UP. JUDY QUIETLY SWAPS HARRY’S MILK FOR HER COFFEE. guby I have to say I’ve been very disappointed in Italian men, When I was about 20, I went to Rome and just about stuck my arse out waiting for it to be pinched. ADRIAN And? gupy And nothing happened. ADRIAN Italians aren’t what they were, eh? gUDY Mind you, that night I did get fucked in a hostel. HARRY And you will be again tonight my love. ADRIAN Bastard. HARRY Right! Time to move on? HE GETS UP TO WALK AWAY, ADRIAN FOLLOWS JUDY CHECKS THE BILL, STARTS GETTING THE MONEY OUT. ALISON CHECKS IT 100, SEARCHES TO GET EXACTLY HER SHARE, INCLUDING RUMMAGING THROUGH HER PURSE TO FIND THE SMALLEST OF COINS IN ORDER TO DO SO. THEY WALK AWAY FROM THE CAF AND GET TO THE GRAND CANAL, BY A VAPORETTO STOP. ADRIAN We walked to the Grand Canal, The sun was ont, the water sparkling, the canal seething with craft of all sorts. It was like Canaletto come to life. gUDY Oh isn’t this wonderful!!! oh yes, you're right, we must have a ride on the canal!Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 24 HARRY ADRIAN JUDY ALTSON ADRIAN ALISON HARRY Have you seen the vaporetto thingies! Packed to the gunwales. We’d never get a seat. MURMURING TO JUDY Certainly get your arse pinched there. FLIRTING You mean, you'll be standing behind me? (WAVING HER GUIDE BOOK AS THE SOURCE) The crowds thin out, I’m sure they do and then you can get a seat. Which vaporetto do we get Allie? 41 OR 42. They're the ones that do the whole circuit. We get an hour’s trip or so for just a few Euro. Go round again if we wanted. I’m not standing. A GONDOLIER (AND GONDOLA) ENTER. JUDY: GONDOLIER sUDY ALISON HARRY GONDOLIER ADRIAN GONDOLIER gUDY GONDOLIER HARRY Oh a gondola! Bon giorgno! Come aboard. The Gran’ Canal..the quiet canals, the Bridge of Sighs. We must! But they are incredibly expensive! Between the four of us? And we'd have the weight off our feet, which is what we all want. Ladies..lovely ladies. Welcome aboard. Gentlemen, too. FIRMLY No thank you. That's a OK. I take just the ladies. Ladies you lie back I serenade you. Where you from? New Zealand. Nueva Zelanda! For you, Nueva Zelanda, special price!! You want to, my love?Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 25 JUDY No one can come to Venice and not go on a gondola! ADRIAN Alison and I could. HARRY SEES ADRIAN AND ALISON LOOKING UPTIGHT. HARRY Oh for God’s sake 1/11 shout you!! ADRIAN No, no, we’ll pay our share! URGENT Find out how much first! GONDOLIER Is 100 Euro. ADRIAN A hundred Euro! That's two hundred dollars! HARRY TO GONDOLIER Make it 80. You said special price..so..? JUDY New Zealand!! We helped you in the War! ADRIAN I think you’1l find we were against them. JUDY Aren't they always supposed to be grateful? HARRY That’s Crete. guDy You serenade us? Sing? La la la la! GONDOLIER Si, si si si! Verdi. Puccini! 0 Sole Mio! HARRY AND JUDY GETTING ON BOARD ALISON He hasn’t settled on a price. ADRIAN We're stuck now. Just enjoy it. THEY GET INTO THE GONDOLA. ARRANGE THEMSELVES. HARRY/JUDY SIDE BY SIDE, OTHERS AT OTHER END. GONDOLIER Gran’ canal..little bit. Then the back canals. . I take you where vaporetto don’t go. JUDY Oh this is lovely. I’ve always wanted to do this. HARRY AND JUDY SPRAWL BACK AND ENJOY IT.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 26 HARRY This is the life. ADRIAN AND ALISON RATHER RIGIDLY SITTING UPRIGHT. GONDOLIER. (MADE UP) Santa Lucia.. This is back of Doges Palace.. just here..Casanova..he was in prison here. HARRY Poor man needed a rest! JUDY LAUGHS ADRIAN AND ALISON DUTIFULLY LOOK AT WHAT HE TELLS THEM, CHECKING WITH THEIR GUIDE BOOKS. ALISON POINTS OUT A SIGHT TO ADRIAN WHO IS GAZING RATHER HUNGRILY AT THE SPRAWLED OUT JUDY. SHE GIVES HIM FIERCE NUDGE. JUDY Ask him to sing. He said he'd serenade us. HARRY Hey Guido(?) Sing..serenade the lady. GONDOLIER BURSTS INTO A COUPLE OF BARS OF Oh Sole Mio. ‘9 sole mio sta 'nfronte a te! ‘0 sole, ‘0 sole mio THEN HIS CELL PHONE GOES. GONDOLIER TALKS IN RAPID AND URGENT ANGRY ITALIAN, THUS RUINING THE MOMENT. RINGS OFF. ANNOYED BY THE CALL, HE DOESN'T RESUME SINGING. FOR A MOMENT OR THO, THE FOUR PASSENGERS TURN AND GAZE AT EACH NEW DELIGHT ON EITHER SIDE OF THE BOAT. ADRIAN It was truly lovely. The magnificent views to be had from being on the canal..a new delight round every corner..the gentle rocking of the boat, the plashing of the water, lying back in the heat of the sun..(AS HE HAS BEEN SAYING THIS, THE OTHERS HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP) THEN ADRIAN, TOO, NODS OFF. (MAYBE THE GONDOLIER STOPS PADDLING AND LIGHTS A CIGARETTE..?? SOME INDICATION TIME 1S PASSING? ADRIAN WAKES UP A MOMENT LATER. CHECKS HIS WATCH.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 27 ADRIAN Oh no. Oh nooo!!! Our hour’s almost up! WAKES THE OTHERS UP. Wake up. Time to get off! TO GONDOLIER Here, here, this will do. Let us off here. ADRIAN We were right by the Peggy Guggenheim. AS THEY ARE GETTING OFF. HARRY Eighty, right? GONDOLIER No, signor, I said a hundred. HARRY GRUDGINGLY HANDS OVER A HUNDRED EURO NOTE. GONDOLIER And a tip, signor! HARRY A tip! OK. “Don’t lie face up when you undo the u-bend”. GONDOLIER PROTESTS HARRY Go and fuck yourself. | TO ADRIAN Where are we? ADRIAN The Guggenheim Art Gallery. FIRMLY And we're going in. As far as Alison and I were concerned, the Guggenheim was one of the main places we wanted to visit. To be honest I didn’t know how much they knew about art, but Alison was able to fill in when required. ALISON Now this is by Braque, “The Clarinet”. HARRY Could have fooled me. ALISON He used an oval canvas to avoid the problem with corners, and the surface is deliberately flat, no attempt at any form of perspective or third dimension. HARRY Or any talent! JUDY SHUTS HIM UP. THEY WALK ONFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 28 ALISON Ah! You probably recognize these, these are Pollocks. HARRY IS ABOUT TO UTTER THE OBVIOUS RHYME JUDY THEY MOVE ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY guy ALISON HARRY, ALISON JuDy ALISON TO HARRY Don’t say anything T0 NEXT PAINTING Ah. Kandinsky. One of my favourites. This is..Landscape with red dots..(No 2 I've seen this before. (SURPRISED) Really? My grandson did it at kindy, we keep it on the fridge-- TRYING HARD NOT TO RISE TO THE BAIT. It’s true that first, of course, it does seem like a mish-mash of random colours... It’s not like any typical landscape where one is supposed to recognise the view we are seeing. I’m with you so far. Shut up, Harry. Kandinsky doesn’t use colour to convey accurate representation, it’s used more for its expressive value. The eye is drawn to the red dot. For Kandinsky, red is a “near” colour blue, one that is far. He also saw colours in terms of music. Solid colour equals loud volume... IMPRESSED Mm! My grandson’s a better painter than I thought. Perhaps we should go outside? Already? I meant into the garden. They have some fabulous sculptures there.. Then we went back to the pensione, back to our rooms to unwind at the end of the day.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 29 I think Harry and Judy had enjoyed their day. HARRY AND JUDY ARE IN THEIR ROOM HAVING A DRINK HARRY guby HARRY guDY HARRY guby HARRY goby PAUSE HARRY JUDY HARRY guDY HARRY guDY ADRIAN Do you feel like strangling her? yes. He's all right. When he gets the chance. I could have coped with the ..whatsit? Guggenheim. Guggenheim, if she hadn’t tried to lecture us on everything. She just likes sharing information I liked the sculptures. You could see the work that had gone into them. Not like splashing a bit of paint onto canvas..there was real work there. That’s the plumber in you. Would you like some plumber in you? Not now, we’re eating soon. I think we should go easy on the costs, Harry. When we’re with them. I think compared to us they‘re on a stricter budget than we are. Have I ever placed you on a budget my love? No. And I don’t think they have ever been off one. Next day, we went our separate ways. Alison and I did La Fenice, the opera house that was burnt down and painstakingly restored.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 30 From La Fenice to the Frari, a lovely church hardly ever visited by tourists. It has a wonderful Bellini triptych.. ALISON (TO ADRIAN) ), Saints Nicholas and Peter on the left.. and Saints Mark and Benedict on the right. By using a thin strip of landscape Bellini cleverly suggests a vast perspective depth by means of a thin strip of landscape. ADRIAN YAWNS. The painting's wooden frame is probably-ADRIAN NUDGES HER. JUDY HAS ENTERED. PUTS SHAWL OVER HER HEAD, KNEELS, CROSSES HERSELF, AND MAKES SIGN OF THE CROSS. ADRIAN Well. We didn’t shout out Hi Judy or anything like that, just kept out of sight and left. But it was a surprise. Back in our room before dinner we had homework to do. ALISON WRITING COSTS DOWN IN A NOTEBOOK. ALISON Yesterday: Coffee..lunch, the damn gondola... ..anything else? La Fenice..The ADRIAN Guggenheim admission. Today. Frari. ALISON Got _those..there was something else. ADRIAN Can’t think of anything. ALISON Postcards! At the Frari! WRITES THAT DOWN Interesting, isn’t it. ADRIAN What? ALISON ‘That Judy's a Catholic. And presumably Harry isn’t. ADRIAN Not exactly a topic of conversation. “Evening. .we noticed you're a Catholic.”Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 31 ALISON ADRIAN ALISON ALISON ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN We could say “we saw you in the Frari but decided not to say ‘Hello’”. Showing we were tactful enough there but tactless enough to mention it later HAS TOTTTED UP THE TOTAL. SIGHS We're way over budget. Perhaps we need to eat separately from them at night T don't really think we can do that. Well, you have to say firmly that from now on each couple pays only for what they have. Me? Yes. OK. But not tonight. why not? We still have a lot of ground to make up for that first meal. Tonight’s the night. Just make sure they order first Why? I had a “cunning plan”. THEY ALL ARRIVE AT THE RESTAURANT AND SIT AT THE TABLE WAITER ALL HARRY WAITER ADRIAN WALTER Buona sera. Buona sera. We were here the other night. Si si si si. Of course! Maybe tonight Alison could choose the wine? She prefers white. Prosecco to start?Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 32 ALISON Not tonight. Well, not for us, anyway. Pinot qrigio..this one. POSSIBLY SLIGHT DISAPPROVAL FROM HARRY ADRIAN JUDY ADRIAN HARRY JUDY WAITER sUDY ADRIAN HARRY ADRIAN ALISON WAITER ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN . Anyway, Harry, Judy..what are you going to have to eat? Might pass on the starters tonight. RELIEVED Right. DOUBTFUL ABOUT PASSING ON THE STARTERS Mmmm. I'l] have the chicken. POINTS TT OUT Pollo allo romana..si. -.with a mixed salad. 70 US Chicken fourteen Euro, salad three: Seventeen I can’t go past the old spag bol.. But forget the salad! Spag Bol ten so between them their total was, twenty seven Euro. 1/1] have the solyola The sole. Fish. Very nice Nineteen euro. . And an insalata verde. Five. Twenty-four Euro. 1/11 have the cannelloni. Bight euro, Thirty-two.. So we're five Euro up. EVERYONE THINKS THIS IS ALL HE’S HAVING. WAITER ABOUT TO ADRIAN COLLECT HIS MENU. Oh, make the cannelloni an entrée..and tonight. yes, why not! I think I/ll have the veal scallopini. Twenty-one Euro. Total Fifty-three Euro compared to their 27, we're 26 to the good. Honours even. Yess!!!!!!Pour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 33 HANDS THE MENU BACK TO THE WAITER, WITH A TRIUMPHANT GRIN TO ALISON. HARRY Actually that does sound nice. 1/11 have veal scallopini, too. ADRIAN Instead of the spaghetti bolognese? HARRY No, no..as well as. ADRIAN Bastard! HARRY And you two didn’t want the antipasto, right? ADRIAN/ ALISON No, no. HARRY Antipasto just for two INDICATING HIM AND JUDY. ADRIAN Shit shit shit. Their meal was going to cost more than ours and, as usual, we’d be subsidizing them! Then it got worse! HARRY I think we need a bottle of nice Italian red! ADRIAN Another fucking forty-two Euro!!!!! ALISON We definitely don’t need a third bottle. ADRIAN During the meal they bloody glugged away. BRINGS BACK MENUS WAITER For you the desserts? HARRY Sounds nice. Anyone? ADRIAN/ALISON No! HARRY Cheese..? A nice bit of gorgonzola? ALISON We can get cheese at home. HARRY Fair enough. That seems to be it. WAITER EXITS WITH THE MENUS, HARRY FINISHES HIS WINE HARRY Quick visit to the gents. HE SLIPS OUTFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall ALISON JUDY ADRIAN gUDY ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN guy ADRIAN ALISON JUDY So much for your “cunning plan”. Sorry? Nothing. Have I missed something? (TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT) Venice. Italy. Dining al fresco. Joanna would have loved this. She would. (EXPLAINING) Our daughter She died earlier this year. Sorry. Soon after that, I retired. We sold the house Bought the apartment. (PERHAPS BITTER) So, finally, time to travel. How awful..had she been ill..? Sorry, none of my business: HARRY REJOINS THEM. HARRY ADRIAN WAITER HARRY ALISON] ADRIAN } HARRY guDy HARRY Are we just about done here Hang on! TO THE WAITER Per favore the MAKES SIGN OF SIGNING THE BILL POINTS TO HARRY. Non It’s taken care of. When I was pretending to go to the loo. Oh but you can’t. No, no- can and have. I was aware the first night Judy and I had much more than you two and certainly Judy knocked back much more wine than Alison And did again tonight. Plus the gondola, which I know really you two weren’t that keen on. So let's just say tonight was on us, and it’s our pleasure.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 35 sub SMILING Yes. ADRIAN/ALISON Well. .thank you. HARRY From now on..we each pay for our own. OK? ALISON/ADRIAN RELIEVED Oh. Well. Thanks. ADRIAN God, we felt awful. How nice can you be! Talk about feeling guilty! I was really upset. Had I known he was paying, I would have had some gorgonzola. HARRY Venice has been grand..now (RAISING HIS GLASS) To Rome! ALL OF THEM To Rome! THEY EXIT: SET CHANGE ADRIAN Rome. Got there by train. Tim and Erica had booked a hotel near the Rome Railway Station..nice and central. Bedrooms a reasonable size, bigger than in Venice, and we each had our own bathrooms. And breakfast was included. Breakfast..everyone (mostly Americans), loading their plates, --bread rolls, cheese, tired fruit, tiny packages of [Link] jugs of fruit [Link] tiny glasses to drink it in. And a maid from some Eastern block country to bring you tea or coffee. ADRIAN First morning in Rome Alison was down before the rest of us. ALISON ENTERS WITH HER GUIDE BOOK. GETS QUITE AN AMOUNT OF FOOD ON HER PLATE. BREAD ROLLS ETC. SITS AT A TABLE. ADRIAN ARRIVES A MOMENT OR TWO LATER. HE IS WEARING HIS CUT-DOWN SHORTS STACKS UP FOOD. WAITRESS HAS POT OF COFFEE AND POT OF TEA, SULLENLY OFFERS THEM THE CHOICEFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 36 ADRIAN/ ALISON Coffee. WHEN THEY TASTE THEIR COFFEE IT IS CLEARLY TERRIBLE. ALISON They are a bit late. Do you think we could slip off without them? ADRIAN No. Last night they said they wanted to come with us. ALISON Harry’1l be unbearable at St Peter’s. ADRIAN It’s only a few minutes. It’s not as if they are really late. JUDY AND HARRY ENTER JUDY IS WEARING COOL SUMMER DRESS WITH BARE SHOULDERS. JUDY'S HAIR PERHAPS WET FROM A SHOWER. THEY GET SOME FOOD FROM BREAKFAST BAR. HARRY GULPS DOWN HIS GLASS OF JUICE BEFORE REFILLING IT AND BRINGING IT TO THE TABLE. . HARRY Sorry a bit late. We decided to take full advantage of the double bed. ADRIAN Bastard!! SQUALL OF JEALOUSY ON ADRIAN'S FACE. JUDY NOTICES IT. guby You don’t have to broadcast it. HARRY No need to my love..you are glowing. HARRY LOUDLY Uncle John and Aunty Mabel Used to faint at the breakfast table. Which should prove to be a warning: Never do it in the morning. LAUGHS, AND DOES A MOCK FAINT. ALISON IS EMBARRASSED BECAUSEE OTHER PEOPLE WOULD HAVE HEARD IT. ADRIAN Where was post-coital depression when we needed it? WAITRESS NOW OFFERS HARRY AND JUDY COFFEE.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 37 ADRIAN IS ABOUT TO WARN THE OTHERS NOT TO HAVE THE COFFEE..BUT TOO LATE. IN TURN, HARRY ADRIAN ALISON HARRY guy ADRIAN ALISON HARRY guDY HARRY JUDY HARRY WHEN THE TASTE IT, THEY FIND IT TERRIBLE. Now. Today. What’s the plan? Ah. Don’t know about you, we thought we'd ..we’d wander around. . We thought you'd have a schedule-filling in the day seeing what needs to be seen! I'm not going to miss St Peter's. Well, actually, yes..that’s what we are going to see. We just thought..well you might not appreciate being so regimented..as I ..well, maybe I am an over-organiser. My dear Alison, TAKES HER HAND T know that I do grumble about that, have a bit of rant, but my dear girl, without you we would not have got off our chuffs. Speak for yourself! seen. So, we you. .you' 11 Would not have seen what we hav would deem it an honour to jou have the info to get us there SWEETLY And you'll know everything about it. So. We are putty in your hands HE KISSES HER HAND ALISON SLIGHTLY FLUSHED/PLEASED AT THIS ALISON HARRY Well.. We thought Sistine chapel first..’cause there’s always a long queue so the earlier the better. And we have no need to pay a Guide; I have it all in here. ..and then St Peter’s Basilica because once we’re inside we'll be out of the heat. Tomorrow the Coliseum. It couldn’t have been organized better by Mussolini.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 38 ALISON TRIES NOT T0 BE OFFENDED BY THIS ALISON Shall we'll meet in lobby in.. twenty minutes? guby We'll aim for twenty minutes. Can‘t promise. ALISON NOTING JUDY’S BARE SHOULDERS To get into St Peter’s you'll need something to cover those shoulders... JUDY HOSTILE Really? THEY LEAVE THE DINING ROOM. music: ADRIAN Twenty minutes later, as agreed, Alison was waiting in the lobby. ALISON WAITING READING A BOOK. LOOKS AT HER WATCH. SIGHS. JUDY ENTERS. JuDy sorry. ALISON ‘It’s OK. Adrian’s etill..well JUDY Still on the loo? ALISON Yes. gupy Harry won't stir out of the building until he’s been to the toilet. And of course, he’s still constipated from the flight, but will he take anything for it!! ALISON Adrian’s the same. gupy He showldn’t be too long. You know you're in for a long wait when he bails himself up with a Dick Francis. ..What are you reading?Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 39 ALISON Mr Pip. Lloyd Jones. Favourite to win the Booker Prize. HESTTATES JUDY I know what The Booker is. New Zealand author? ALISON Yes. gUDY I tend not to read New Zealand fiction. I can get depressed in other ways. ALISON Mr Pip won't exactly cheer you up. Look, I wondered, when we’re at the Villa.. JUDY Yes? ALISON If it would be all right if we cooked most nights. T mean, yes of course eat out occasionally, but to be honest one of the points of having a villa was so that we wouldn't always have to eat out. guDY Oh. One of the points of a holiday is so I don’t have to cook. ALISON I thought perhaps the four of us could take it in turns. One night each. guDy Harry does not cook. ALISON Well maybe it’s time that he did. goby Don’t go there. Believe me, it’s not worth it. He does not cook. End of story. ALISON _Doesn’t he do anything around the house? gupy Don’t let’s go there, all right? ADRIAN ENTERS WITH BACK PACK. ADRIAN Sorry. HE IS STILL WEARING HIS CUT-DOWN SHORTS ALISON You know at St Peter’s they won't let— ADRIAN Yes, yes, yes, yes! (MAYBE HE HOLDS UP THE EXTENSIONS) HARRY ENTERSFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 40 ALISON AND ADRIAN IMMEDIATELY GET UP TO GET ON THEIR WAY. HARRY Sorry to hold you up but— gUDY They've had the details. HARRY I had to strain so much I thought I was going have a detached retina. JUDY Harry! HARRY And that toilet paper! It’s like wiping your backside with Ryvita. HE SEES ALISON'S FACE HARRY Sorry love, comes from a life-time in plumbing. Lead on. Sistine Chapel, right? ALISON Yes. HARRY Here we come Leonardo. ADRIAN/ALISON Michelangelo. HARRY Whatever. ADRIAN Seems everyone went to the Sistine Chapel first thing to avoid the crowds, It was packed. I found myself, accidentally I swear, jammed up so hard behind Judy that in other circumstances might have found me in trouble with the law. Luckily she didn’t seem to mind. CHARACTERS ARE IN A LINE, VERY CLOSE TOGETHER AND ACT OUT WHAT ADRIAN DESCRIBES. ADRIAN And after we'd admired the most famous ceiling in the world, we escaped the crush and made our way to the relative calm of St Peter's.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 41 OUTSIDE ST PETER’S THE FOUR OF THEM ARRIVE TO GO INTO ST PETER’S. GUARD (S) CHECKING PEOPLE’S CLOTHING ADRIAN IS STILL WEARING SHORTS. THEY ARE ABOUT TO GO IN. GUARD Scusi. Non! ADRIAN what? GUARD POINTS TO ADRIAN'S SHORTS AND THEN TO JUDY'S BARE. SHOULDERS. INDICATES THAT THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED IN. GUARD Non. Non. JUDY What! This is ridiculous. Didn’t stop us going into the Sistine Chapel. Weren’t going to turn down the money there were we! ADRIAN CALMLY PRODUCES THE BOTTOMS OF HIS TROUSERS FROM HIS BACK PACK . GUARD IS ADAMANT. JUDY OPENS HER BAG AND CHECKS INSIDE IT. JUDY i could have sworn I brought a shawl.. No .. You all go in. ALISON I did say bring something. ADRIAN Go in then! We’ 11 catch you up. ADRIAN STARTS STRUGGLING TO GET LOWER HALF OF HIS SHORTS ON. THEY ARE VERY FIDDLY TO GET ON ADRIAN Getting these bloody things on takes for ages. TO ALISON Go in!! Go in. guby Meet up back here in an hour? HARRY AND ALISON EXIT OFF (INTO THE CHURCH) ADRIAN STRUGGLING WITH HIS SHORTS ADRIAN If I could sit down I could..Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 42 suby ADRIAN guby ADRIAN guDY ADRIAN I’m desperate for a cold drink. Me, too. When I travel I yearn for milk shakes Me, too! Hardly ever have them at home, but abroad, I crave them. The eternal city and what was uppermost in our minds was milk shakes. So we let Harry and Alison go on ahead, and we went and found somewhere to sit and have a drink ALISON AND HARRY IN THE BASILICA OF ST PETER’ S ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY ALISON ADRIAN gUDY ADRIAN suDY ADRIAN sUDY How are we going to do this? Do what? Looking round. Maybe it’s easier if we split up and we meet outside in..an hour? But you've got the guide book. Yes. 1/11 stick with you then. NOT PLEASED IS SITTING AT A TABLE (OR ON A BENCH) . Iced tea, They didn’t sell milkshakes. Thanks. Great isn’t it, Rome. St Peter's. Yes. can’t believe you haven't travelled much before. These days..mass travel. Or were youFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 43 ADRIAN guy ADRIAN JUDY ADRIAN guDY ADRIAN worried the (library) books couldn't cope on their own? No. Books don’t mind being left on the shelf Joanna.. who died. Yes. I was..she was in a road accident.. Oh no. She ended up quadraplegic. Sorry. (for asking). So she had to have home care.. all that. JubY TOUCHES HIS ARM IN SYMPATHY ADRIAN cuDY ADRIAN JUDY PAUSE ADRIAN Now she’s died, we live in a place with no wheel chair ramps, no handicapped toilets and we can have that luxury..what’s it called again? Oh yes, spare time. But we'd certainly give all that up to have her back I cannot imagine what all that would be like. Alison bore the brunt of it. Gave up her job. I reduced my hours. Opted for half time: three days one week, two the next And ruined your career chances? It's called “having a brilliant career behind you" ALISON AND HARRY INSIDE ST PETER’ $ ALISON We'll do it in the order it suggests. So this is..Charlemagne’s coronation site... In 799 Pope Leo III, whom Charlemagne had restored to the papacy, crowned him Imperator Romanorum as Charlemagne knelt by the altar to pray. HARRY ISN’T LOOKING OR LISTENINGFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 44 HABRY ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY ALISON That bloke over there. He’s got a Canon G 8. so? ‘They told me the G7 was the latest model Is this going to spoil your holiday? “The Dome is 430 feet high.. That is impressive Yes. About half as long again as the pitch on Eden Park. Do you want to know the names of all the people buried here? St Peter supposedly, James II of England, Queen Christina of Sweden Does nothing for me. All this. Well it does for me. The Art work, anyway Relics, Bits of saints everywhere. Martyrs. Faith built on suffering Let's just look at it as a superb museum of art, shall we? All this conspicuous wealth. Money poured into this instead of helping the poor. Yes, but for an illiterate population, the church provided visual splendour, story telling, music, company. Maybe if they’d spent less on this sort of stuff and more on education there might not have been so many illiterate. Really? And I thought you said you didn’t vote Labour. HE IS MOMENTARILY AFFRONTED THEN LAUGHS. ADRIAN/ JUDYFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 45 JUDY ADRIAN sUDY ADRIAN guby guby ADRIAN gUDY ADRIAN JUDY ADRIAN JUDY ADRIAN sJuDY Divorced years ago. When we realised I couldn’t have children, and my husband wouldn’t adopt. Happens to the best... He left me for someone else. They had children. Are they still together? Yes. Anyway, when he left me there I was: solo, blonde, and big tits. (MOCK INNOCENT) The thought never even crossed my mind. Men! It was like having a bunch of fox terriers yapping round your place night and day. Yap yap! For years my sex life was bi-polar: some intense highs, but huge amounts of time in black despair. Betrayed, abused, taken advantage of. Plus a lot of guilt Why should you be the one to feel guilty? Because I had an abortion as a teenager According to the Church, I should have had the child, That’s when I broke with the Church. But lately I've been feeling more and more that I should have had the baby..what a terrible thing it was that I did. None of my business of [Link] we did see you at The Frari. Praying? Presumably. Only you said just now you broke with the Church. After the abortion Yes, I left the Church..but I can’t say it ever left me. Guilt, Christ Catholic upbringing, you can never shake it off entirely.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 46 Shall we have another go at getting those trousers on. It'll be easier if I kneel at your feet. DOES SO. ADRIAN People are going to talk. gupy what? ADRIAN Aren't we in “While you're down there, do me 2 favour” territory? JUDY Adrian! You're a librarian! You're not supposed to have thoughts like that! ADRIAN Philip Larkin thought of little else. aguby Philip Larkin..? Poet? ADRIAN Poet and librarian. He always thought everyone else was getting more sex than he was. guDY This has been an educational trip. THEY GET THE TROUSERS ON. SHE PRODUCES A SHAWL FROM HER BAG AND PUTS IT ON HER SHOULDERS. ADRIAN So you did have something to cover your shoulders after all! JUDY (MOCK INNOCENT) How could I have missed seeing it ther ADRIAN You could have gone in with the others. gUDY St Peter's was something I wanted to see without Harry by my side. Or anyone, actually. Bye. Philip. SHE GOES ON AHEAD OF HIM. ADRIAN I let her go on ahead. Then went into the cool of the Basilica and wandered around. Meanwhile Harry, having had Art History 101 rammed down his throat, was desperate for a sit down and a cold drinkFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 47 ALISON AND HARRY SIT DOWN TOGETHER HARRY GROANS Hard work. Sight-seeing, ALISON Yes. But we have to do as much as possible: it’s probably the only time we’l} ever be here. HARRY Thank God for that. Really looking forward to the villa. Chance to blob out. SILENCE ALISON LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE HARRY What? Have I said something wrong again? ALISON I may as well say it. As far as we're concerned the villa is not meant to be a resort: it’s a base. A base from which we visit Florence, Siena, Lucca, San Gimignano.. HARRY Well..if you want to be driven to all those places, better be nice to Harry then. You know, you could be a very attractive woman. SLOW BURN ALISON Oh please! Is this some sort of chat-up line? HARRY No it’s not. I said “Could be”. If you took more care with your appearance. A better choice of clothes, a bit of make up and a hair style that doesn’t make you look as though you sing in the church choir, and you could be attractive. ALISON “Attractive”? To whom? HARRY How about to your husband? PAUSE ALISON This really isn’t any business of yours. HARRY SHRUGS ALISON Perhaps I like looking the way I do.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 48 HARRY Okay. In my clumsy way I was trying to pay you a compliment, Apologies for any hurt caused. So..tomorrow. More bloody sight-seeing. ALISON Yes. The bloody Coliseum. Nice and early. HARRY I'll either be nice or I/1l either be early. You choose. ALISON Early. ADRIAN ENTERS WEARING HIS TRAVEL SHIRT (WITH ALL THE POCKETS) AND WEARING HIS HAT. ADRIAN Alison chose early for the Coliseum so it wouldn’t be too hot. Ox crowded. THE OTHERS ENTER ADRIAN And we did beat the crowds, But it did mean we were much more of a target. As Alison quickly realised. A CENTURION WALKS ON, HELMET UNDER HIS ARM, SMOKING, DRINKING COFFEE. HANDSOME, SEXY. CENTURION Buon giorno!! ..where you good people from? ALISON Don’t have anything to do with him. JUDY New Zealand. CENTURION Ah! Nueva Zelanda! All Blacks. We love-a Nueva Zelanda! | POINTING AT HARRY’S CAMERA Nice camera! HARRY PROUDLY Yes. CENTURION TO JUDY Photo with me. Photo all of you with me. ADRIAN PUTS HIS HAT INTO HIS BACK PACK HARRY Why not? ALISON Don’Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 49 HARRY You'd like to, my love? One with him? JUDY Ooh, yes! ALISON Check how much he’s going to charge you! All the guide books warn you. JUDY SNUGGLES INTO THE CENTURION. LAUGHS/GIGGLES. HARRY HANDS HIS CAMERA TO ADRIAN, AND THEN STANDS BY CENTURION ALONG WITH JUDY. sUDY Say something funny. HARRY Trevor Mallard. ADRIAN TAKES TWO QUICK PICS. THEY BREAK OFF. CENTURION STANDS BEHIND ADRIAN TO LOOK OVER HIS SHOULDER TO CHECK THE PICS, PUTS HIS ARM ON ADRIAN'S SHOULDER IN THE PROCESS. THEY ALL APPROVE THE PICS. IN THE PROCESS, CENTURION CUDDLES JUDY AGAIN HARRY TAKES OUT HIS WALLET. CENTURION Grazie. Fifty Euro. HARRY Fifty Buro for five minutes work! ..SHAKES HIS HEAD I don’t think so. Ten would still be generous. CENTURION Fifty. HE IS STILL HOLDING JUDY JUDY Harry..he’s hurting me. HARRY Twenty. That's it. JUDY Harry, this isn’t funny. Give him the fifty. HARRY HANDS OVER FIFTY. CENTURION Grazie. grazie. RUNNING OFF. Fuck the All Blacks. RUNS OFF RRY Bastard. Are you all right my love? sUDY Yes.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 50 ALISON OPENS HER MOUTH TO SPEAK. ADRIAN HARRY ADRIAN ALISON HARRY ALISON guy ADRIAN IS ALISON JUDY ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN ALISON ADRIAN IS SHIRT AND ALISON Alison! Don’t say a word! Yes, you warned us, yes I should have listened to you, but I am sick and tired of being on holiday with my mother! Right on the button! Is that what you think! Yes, that’s exactly what I think!! Look, in every trip you get ripped off. So I’ve added 50 Euro to the cost of the trip. I take full responsibility. I’m going back to our hotel and read Dick Francis! If that’s all right with you. Mummy. Perfect! That’s like a parent hearing her two year old saying yes he wants an afternoon sleep. Come on, come on..no harm done. At least nothing got stolen. GOING THROUGH HIS POCKETS AND LOOKING WORRIED WAVING HER GUIDE BOOK This place is notorious for pick pockets. TO JUDY Anything missing from you? When he was cuddling you? I don’t keep my credit card where he put his hands. He didn’t cuddle me, but.. Oh no. Remember..he looked over my shoulder..to look at the pics. He touched me then How could you be so stupid! DOING A RUSHED CHECK OF ALL HIS POCKETS ON HIS HIS TROUSERS. Go through them all. SHE STARTS SYSTEMATICALLY GOING THROUGH HIS POCKETS PRODUCES BITS AND PIECES BUT NO CREDIT CARD.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall SL ALISON GIVING UP. ADRIAN We'll have to report it to the police. ALISON I know that! I know!! But first thing is to get to a phone and get the card stopped. guDy He's probably bought an Alfa by now. ADRIAN No, the credit limit’s only fifteen thousand. suby I was only joking. ALISON Let us get to a phone. HARRY PROFFERS HIS MOBILE HARRY Perhaps you'd like to use this (QUOTING HER OWN WORDS BACK TO HER) “useless anti-social boys’ toy” ..? ALISON GRUDGINGLY ACCEPTS THAT YES IT WILL BE USEFUL HARRY Visa? SHE NODS HE PUNCHES IN A NUMBER HARRY HANDING IT TO HER It’s ringing. ALISON GRACIOUS FINALLY Thank you. SHE WANDERS OFF TO MAKE THE CALL. ADRIAN STILL SEARCHING. gupy If you report him to the police..at least we've got his photo. ADRIAN I still can’t believe I never felt a thing. HARRY It’s happened to me before, and it’11 happen again, I’m sure. ALISON RETURNS. ALISON They've cancelled it. He hasn't had time to make any withdrawals. GRACIOUSLY TO HARRYFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 52 HANDING IT BACK For which T have to thank you. I’m grateful. HARRY Pleasure, Now..how are you for money? ALISON ‘They’re arranging a new card for us to pick up in a couple of days. HARRY In the meantime? ADRIAN In the meantime, yes, totally dependent. HARRY We'll make sure you won’t starve. ALISON ‘Thank you..that’s really nice of you. HARRY I’m like that. JUDY He is! ALISON In the end you managed early and nice. Mummy says you're free now to go back and read Dick Francis. HARRY No, no. We’1l go and see the bloody Coliseum. I mean we're not here for fun are we HE AND ALISON LAUGH ADRIAN And the rest of the day went really well. Next day, we were going to drive to Tuscany. Tim had ordered the car for the afternoon so as to avoid the morning rush. Harry was to be our driver. We get to the car-hire place-it was closed! But eventually Miss Avis came along.. THEY ARE THERE WITH ALL THEIR LUGGAGE. A WOMAN, TROTS ON IN RENTAL CAR UNIFORM (AVIS, SAY) HIGH HEELS, GLAMOROUS BUT INDIFFERENT. (MAYBE CHEWING GUM) HARRY What time do you call this! “Closed”! In the middle of the day!! AVIS (Are you mad?) Pranzo. ALISON: — Lunch.Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 53 HARRY lunch! What’s wrong with a couple of sandwiches eaten on the job! MISS AVIS TAKES NO NOTICE. ALISON HANDS HER THE PAPER WORK. AVIS DOES STUFF WITH COMPUTER. HARRY HANDS OVER DRIVING LICENCE. HARRY AND ALISON SIGN FORMS, INITIAL THEM ETC. SHE TAKES THEM TO THE “CAR” HARRY fell's teeth! Who ordered this thing? ALISON A small car's better for parking. ADRIAN And cheaper. HARRY That I can believe. THEY LOAD THE LUGGAGE IN THE BACK) THEY ALL GET IN. IN FRONT, HARRY DRIVING, ADRIAN AS PASSENGER, ALISON AND JUDY IN THE BACK. BEHIND THEM LUGGAGE CRAMMED IN. HARRY CHECKING Signals. Wipers, wing mirrors, TI cannot see a thing out of the rear vision mirror. ALISON It’s all your luggage!! HARRY We're travelling in Europe, not fleeing from it. Oh God, it’s not even automatic! (TO AVIS) “Automatic!” ALISON: Con gambio Automatico. CONTEMPT: “Automatico” Italian men can change AVI gears. gupy Harry, check reverse. HARRY All right. suby once we had a car in London and couldn't find reverseFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 54 HARRY Yes, all right. gUDY We had two lanes of traffic blocked for nine minutes until he found it. HARRY All right!!!!! SUDDEN THOUGHT Surely you ordered a GPS system!! ALISON 1 downloaded our route from Google maps! ADRIAN I had them. I was going to be navigator. HARRY Bloody hell! TO ADRIAN Ready? ADRIAN Ready. HARRY CALLING OUT Thanks, Signorina, for bloody nothing,. TO ADRIAN When I get out of this [Link] or right? ADRIAN READING “Head East”. HARRY Thanks a heap. Left or right? ADRIAN Well that’s what it says! And then there’s twenty-eight more directions before we even get on to the autostrada. JUDY Oh God. ADRIAN It was a nightmare. Before we found the autostrada..we had to get off the ring road.. THEY ARE DRIVING. PEERING OUT OF THE WINDOWS TO SEE WHERE THEY ARE. SILENCE FOR A MOMENT ADRIAN PEERING AT HIS PRINT OUT DIRECTIONS ADRIAN I don’t know where we are. gUDY We're on the ring road around Rome. ADRIAN I know that!!! JUDY ..and have been for forty minutes. ADRIAN JI know that! HARRY/ALISON We know that!Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 55 suDY And if it helps we’ve passed that tower block twice already. HARRY Shut (the fuck) up..my love. ALISON Tell us again what exit are we looking for? ADRIAN -WEARILY “Al /E 35 “Firenze”. ALISON We need to go North. ADRIAN Here! ADRIAN/JUDY/ALISON SCREAMING Here! Here! here!!! ADRIAN There! There! There! THEIR HEADS SWIVEL TO INDICATE THEY’ VE PASSED IT. HARRY That couldn't have been it. ADRIAN It was! HARRY The turn off was so small! ADRIAN ‘That was it. ALISON We/1l just have to take the next one. Double back and get back on it. JUDY Or we could go round again. I could tell you when the tower block comes into view again. HARRY/ADRIAN/ALISON Shut wy guby At this rate, by the time we get to the villa our seven days will be up. ADRIAN It wasn’t my fault he missed the turn off. JUDY I never said it was ADRIAN Anyone else wants to navigate, they navigate. JUDY T/ll do it. HARRY TOPAL CONTEMPT Huh! JUDY ICY What?Four Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 56 HARRY guy HARRY guby HARRY sUDY ADRIAN HARRY JUDY HARRY ADRIAN JUDY ALISON ALTSON HARRY ALISON HARRY ALISON HARRY Nothing What? Forget it. Say what you mean Harry. If you can find your way to Foodtown and back without going via Hamilton it’s a bloody miracle. IE see. ENJOYING THIS (TO HARRY) I wouldn’t count on getting nookie tonight. That's one place I can find my way to without a navigator. Hub! SHOCKED/OFFENDED TURNING ROUND TO LOOK AT HER What's that supposed (to mean)--? THEY HAVE TO TURN HIS FACE BACK TO THE FRONT TO SEE WHERE HE IS DRIVING. HE HAS TO SWERVE TO AVOID HITTING A CAR. God Almighty! Harry! Look out! Finally we got on the autostrada, We could all sit back and relax. Until Alison said... Harry. What? You're doing 120. You're right! Too slow! No! No! It is. Look! Every other bugger’s whooshing past! No nanny state campaigns in Italy to keep your speed downFour Flat Whites 2011 Roger Hall 37 ADRIAN Under Nanny state our road toll is a lot lower than in Italy--don’t tail gate!! HARRY I’m not! ADRIAN Hardly following the two~second rule, are you? HARRY Are you telling me how to drive! ADRIAN I you drove properly, I wouldn’t have to, would I. gUDY WINCES Ooh (wrong thing to say). HARRY Fine! You want to drive, you drive. ADRIAN I don’t drive. JUDY /ALISON I'll drive. HARRY No. I want to know why a grown man in this day and age doesn’t drive. SILENCE HARRY Well..? ALISON If you must know, because Joanna was paralysed in a road accident. HARRY Oh God. ADRIAN And T was the one who was driving. HARRY SHOCKED Oh shit. guDY Oh no HARRY Jeepers, mate. Sorry. ADRIAN TO US Harry slowed down. Drove like an angel the rest of the way. We arrived at the villa in the dark. We chose rooms, went to bed. Nobody talked much, It looked like it was going to be a long week. INTERVAL