FunnyThingScript
PROLOGUS
Playgoers, I bid you welcome. The Theatre is a temple, and we are here to worship
the gods of comedy and tragedy. Tonight, I am pleased to announce a comedy. We shall
employ every device we know in our desire to divert you.
Song Something Familiar Comedy Tonight.
Free
HERO
Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS
Yes, master!
HERO
Get me that girl!
PSEUDOLUS
And if I can?
HERO
You are free!
PSEUDOLUS
I am what?
HERO
Free!
The House of Marcus Lycus
PSEUDOLUS
Lycus, I am now in the market for a lifetime companion. Tell me, have you anything
lying about in there, anything to satisfy and Olympian appetite?
LYCUS
Pseudolus, friend and citizen, I have traveled the world in search of beauty, and I can
say with modesty that I have the finest assortment in Rome.
PSEUDOUS
Show me.
LYCUS
Eunichs! A buyer!
For your most assured approval and your more than possible purchase, here are the
fruits of my search. Behold . . . Tintinabula. Out of the east with the face of an
idol . . . the arms of a willow tree . . . and the pelvis of a camel.
Next, may I present Panacea?
To make her available to you, I outbid the King of Nubia. Panacea, with a face that holds
a thousand promises, and a body that stands behind each promise.
Or consider the Geminae.
A matched pair. Either one a divinely assembled woman, together an infinite number of
mathematical possibilities.
An now, prepare yourself for Vibrata. Vibrata?
Exotic as a desert bloom . . . wonderous as a flamingo . . . lithe as a tigress . . .
for the man whose interest is wild life . . .
And now the ultimate: Gymnasia.
Gymnasia: a giant stage on which a thousand dramas can be played.
There is mercandise foe every need
GIRLS
At the house of Marcus Lycus.
LYCUS
All the merchandise is guarunteed
GIRLS
At the house of Marcus Lycus.
LYCUS
For a sense of sensibility
And a plethora thereof . . .
One is Ecstasy,
One is Mystery,
One is six foot three,
Two is company --
At the House of Marcus Lycus,
Merchant of Love.
And need I add, as all who are of the house of Lycus, these beauties are well versed
in the arts, proficient at needlework, and surprised at nothing.
LOVELY SONG
HERO
Philia . . .
PHILIA
Yes?
HERO
Say my name.
PHILIA
Just say your name?
HERO
Yes.
PHILIA
Very well.
I have forgotten it.
HERO
It's Hero.
PHILIA
Oh, forgive me, Hero. I have no memory for names.
HERO
You don't need it. You don't need anything
Needs a maid
SENEX
Maids like me. I'm neat. I like maids. They're neat.
Something no household should be without.
Everybody ought to have a maid
PSEUDOLUS
Come out here! Come on out!
HYSTERIUM
You didn't tell me I'd have to be a girl
PSEUDOLUS
A dead girl. The captain will see you, go on his way and all will be well.
HYSTERIUM
He'll never believe I'm a girl. Look at me. Just look at me.
PSEUDOLUS
I can't take my eyes off you
You're lovely,
Absolutely lovely,
Who'd believe the loveliness of you?
HYSTERIUM
Shouldn't I have some jewelry?
PSEUDOLUS
Jewelry?
HYSTERIUM
Yeah!
PSEUDOLUS
Here - take the old man's ring.
HYSTERIUM
Flowers!
PSEUDOLUS
What?
HYSTERIUM
I should have some flowers!
PSEUDOLUS
Flowers? Flowers!
HYSTERIUM
I'm so lovel,
PSEUDOLUS
Frighteningly lovely -
BOTH
That the world will never seem the same -
PSEUDOLUS
You're so lovely –
Funeral sequence
PSEUDOLUS
Gather around, handmaidens of sorrow.
PSEUDOLUS
Fold the arms!
Sir, on behalf of the body, I want to thank you for a lovely funeral.
I don't know about you, but I've suffered enough. If you will just give me
the contract, I shall take the body and then . . .
MILES
Strew the soil,
Strum the lyre,
Spread the oil,
Build the pyre!
PSEUDOLUS
Whoa! A pyre? What kind of pyre?
MILES
A pyre of fire.
PSEUDOLUS
Oh, a fire pyre.
MILES
She must be burned!
PSEUDOLUS
Burned? Sir!
MILES
I want her ashes!
PSEUDOLUS
Captain, I implore you: It is not for us to destroy such loveliness.
The gods are aeaiting her. They would not be happy if we sent up a charred virgin.
MILES
I cannot afford to offend the gods.
PSEUDOLUS
Who can?
All Crete was at her feet,
But I shall weep no more,
I'll find my consolation as before,
Among the simple pleasures of war!
