The red room

White walls, white blankets, white tiles on the floor, a little closet, a shelf, two books, a little
window, a single chair, and a bed. Whoever was the fucking genius who said white transmits
calmness must be damn careful because the first thing I´m going to do when I get out of this
moronic concrete white box is pushing their own eyes through their throat. And that stupid
window… too small to crawl to freedom. Even the air feels nauseous. Silence is devouring.
Monday is dense. I have not left my room in the last month, and even so, Monday is still dense.
I did not notice when Nick pulled hard from the back of my shirt throwing me out of bed, I am
starting to doubt his non-killing intentions.
"Fucking asshole!"
"You look pretty today too, honey."
"Where have you been?" I ask while he extends his hand to help pick up my dead weight off the
floor.
"Grabbing some food." He says, displaying a big hamburger from a paper sleeve. I try to tear
that piece of meat wrapped in bread out of his hands, but he reaches for my hand.
"You are vegetarian!" He scolds me.
"I have changed my mind!" I refute. I truly have, maybe, but I won’t know until I try it.
Nick is the only one who was come to visit me. Since our prom accident, most of my friends
started avoiding me like I was leprosy. After all the time I wasted bearing their stupid faces the
bare minimum of human decency would be to come to say hi at least once, but they are all acting
so dignified like none of them were ever caught in the middle of a fight. If Issac Cruz gives me
the chance to fix the rest of his face again I will undoubtedly take it.
Hell knows what has been happening outside. Mom has not come in weeks and Doc has that "I
don't know" face on her whenever I ask. They told Nick I am mentally in Neverland or
something like that since it was easier than the truth. Doc came with that but I don’t think he
buys it.
How will Nick react to the truth? Once I tried it.

That morning I didn´t take my “dead-awaker” medicine, I never get to remember its name. I
waited patiently in the middle of my room, facing the door until the hallway light revealed Nick's
shape.
My bones were juggling with my crooked anatomy. Without Doc's happy pills, my muscles
loosen up to the point my arms and jaw hang down on my skin. Every time I opened my mouth
the pain of being slipped in two made talking tortuous. Nick's name got stuck between my lips as
unintelligible growls. My breath turned into a deeper and loud snore. He was petrified like the
rabbit staring at the wolf. The rhythm of my exhalation marked the time we were there, just
facing each other. The air was ice. There is nothing warm about me.
I never did it again.
***
Today is Friday. Doc has forbidden Nick to come on Fridays.
I am laying on my stomach, on my bed, facing the door. A few seconds later the bell rings.
"One…two…three…"
Doc crosses the door with a metal collar in her hand.
"Come"
On Fridays, Doc wears black, which makes Friday a little more bearable. For an instant I think
about crushing her head, the sound will be delicious. Blows in the middle of the silence. She sees
right through me and gets her keys from the front pocket and claims.
"Sit"
My body is heavy, but it moves mechanically the second she shows the keys. I am on my knees
in front of her.
"Put it yourself"
Doc's voice is soft. She will cure me. She promised. So, I secure the metal collar around my neck
and extend the end of the chain to her. We leave the white room together.

I am tied to a cold bed with my eyes covered. The jingle of the handcuffs reminds me of the
white coat-wearing man.
***
The last day I saw him he started tearing off bites of my inner thighs. I recall the voice of the
assistant telling him to stop fooling around, so he increased the volume of the radio and started to
cut my neck with long slow movements while my whining broke Tartini's song compass. At the
last second my head has conscious after being separated from the rest of my body he sunk me in
a bucket of blood to hold me near and dance. He stank like a street dog. When I regained
consciousness I tied him to the bed but pitifully he could only die once.
***
It makes me sick when I remember the taste of his flesh.

After the handcuffs are in place it is needles' time, enough anesthesia to cause brain death is
supposed to knock me out to save me the suffering that knives, drills, and satan knows what else
Doc uses on my body. The pain is gone but I can not sleep despite the drugs in my veins. During
our first session, Doc told her assistant she will take one of my lungs with her. I knew, but it did
not bother me. As long as the scars remain invisible to Nick a lung is worth it. I will hate if Nick
figures out about Friday sessions.

Dying is exhausting, draining, and stinky. Doc likes to have some little talk after our Friday
sessions, she says that would help me to keep functional.
"How is Nick doing?" One day Doc asked suddenly
"He is good"
"He is a good friend, isn’t he?"
"I guess so…"
"Would you like to see him more often?"
"Not really"
Hearing his name from Doc's mouth gave me goosebumps. Doc is kind, kind does not mean
harmless, sane, or trustworthy.
***
Today Nick bought me a fruit salad, no watermelon, I hate watermelon. College is not treating
him well. He seems a little out of himself. I told him not to talk with Doc from now on.
"I thought you liked her."
"Not anymore."
Nick always says that I change my mind like girls change clothes. I told him there is nothing
wrong with replacing my mind's wardrobe once a week. I see him tense on the chair before he
speaks.
"What happened with Issac?"
***
What happened that night?
The salon Jing’s father choose for our prom night was as spacious, ventilated, and clean as the
school bathrooms. Fortunately, we could use the yard attached. Jing’s father threatened the
catering service to death in advance so we could not get alcohol from them. The blue lights on
the walls did not prevent Allison from tripping on the rug and breaking one of the long daggers
she called her nails. I danced to the point my feet were screaming for help.

Outside the night was freezing and the music felt drowned by the wind. I stepped into the grass
with my barefoot. The wind was elevating my shirt, which kind of reminded me of the Titanic
except for the whole ship and ocean thing. My skin was warm, how much did I dance to feel the
warmth of my skin? Maybe others' temperature stuck on me. I never heard of a corpse with heat.
I was swinging with the music when I heard a strong hit, all senses alert. I slowly walked to the
side of the yard and there was Allison. I did not know where the hell she got alcohol, but it was
obvious she was wasted. Drunk to the point she could not stand up by herself. And there was
Issac Cruz. Allison was growling for Issac to get away from her and pushed him with her tiny
arms.
Then our gaze crossed. Allison has never done anything bad to me, on the other hand, Issac has
been an idiotic caveman since he was born. My hero complex plus my high ego pushed me
between them as I pulled Issac away from her. He reeked of weed. Don’t get me wrong, weed is
not at fault, he was a dangerous narcissist long before.
"Leave golem" I said
In my defense, he threw the first punch. He was so high there was no winning chance for him.
But that never stopped him before. Punches and kicks were thrown in all directions, his head was
shaking from left to right expecting to punch my mandible. And then I felt his teeth burrowing
into my flesh.
"You should have thought twice" I murmured.
***
"What happened with Issac?" Nick asked.
"He was being an idiot and I punched him"
Nick has been avoiding my sight.
"…I visited him..."
"Who?..." I suddenly feel my thorax shrinking.
"…I visited Issac..."
My mind is ten miles away. Why did you do that Nick? Issac is an asshole. You hated him as
much as I did. He is Alison's abuser. What did he tell you? Are you besties now? I left for a
couple of days and you start collecting trash. Rising anger makes me hungry.
"What happened that night Nath?"
Now I am the one avoiding his sight, my hands are fists squeezing the sheets. My body is tense
and there is a hole in my stomach.
"Nick, you should leave"
"There is no fucking way a couple of hits will rip half of his face off. That night… the blood on
your mouth… you said it was a tooth…"
I am losing it right now, so I look for the emergency button. I need Doc right now. My body is
palpating, and my sight is blurred.
"Nath please…"
"Leave"
I can not remember the moment my fist hit the wall, my broken bones are more like dust now
and the white wall is stained due to the impact. Nick is suddenly on his feet. In his face, I see the
dilemma. Would he run or would he help me? I don’t know but he has never doubted before.
Don’t leave Nick.
"I am sorry… I am sick but she will cure me… I promise". I manage to stammer and I am sure I
look pathetic but maybe that will make Nick stay. I will be fixed soon.
"Nath, you ate it."
"I did" Now I regret having fixed Issac Cruz's face.
Nick stopped visiting after that.
***
What is that thing that makes you feel alive?
I haven’t talked to anyone since Nick left. Doc continuously injects me with strange liquids that
burn my veins or she breaks my bones or cuts my skin into strips every Friday. It does not matter
because Nick doesn´t visit on Fridays. Nick hasn’t come in weeks.
Since Nick does not come anymore Doc suggested we should try with chickens. I used to refuse
because I did not want to think about his arm's taste while talking about the last movie he saw.
Meat helps, meat helps a lot but it becomes an obsession dangerously fast. I spend most of my
days chewing my fingers to the bone or tearing the insides of my cheeks just to have a little taste.
Chickens to dogs, dogs to sheep, sheep to cows. Doc thinks the faster I get used to having "food"
around the better, that way I won't want to jump on people. Stupid Issac Cruz. I have been
holding myself for years. If just he could keep it inside his pants, I would not have to kick his
ass. Stupid Nick, why did you have to visit Issac?
To be fair, Issac bit me too. Sure, he was not a non-living human eater, but he should have
expected to receive the same back. Eye for an eye.
Doc takes me out of my thoughts, she said today is my final session. I wonder what comes next
to a cow. Stupid Nick you could have waited for me a little longer.
She takes me to a red room before covering my eyes. A door opens and something is being
dragged into the room.
"You will be able to eat after the ring" and she leaves
"One…two…three…" I start running
"Nath!! It is m…"
I rip out his throat.