20 practices for

everyday life
1. Appreciating Your Partner

a. Appreciate each other at least once a day.

At the end of the day, tell your partner three

things you appreciate, either about some-
thing current, or something more long-stand-
ing, “I really appreciate your listening to me
earlier this evening” is one example. But so is,
“You have always had the most beautiful eyes.”

b. Develop an Attitude of Gratitude.

Throughout the day notice and shift all victim

thinking. If you don’t like something, change
it, leave it, or embrace it. If you choose to
neither change nor leave, then own your
choice and appreciate the good qualities in
the situation.

2. Boundary Practice
Take a moment to visualize setting your
boundaries at the beginning of each day.
Throughout the day take a moment to reset
them through visualization. Take stock of
where you might be at a given moment and
correct if necessary, softening walls and
strengthening appropriate containment and
protection.

Try avoiding all boundary-violating behaviors

by staying on your side of the line. Speak from
the “I,” not the “you” or the “it.” Remember
there is nothing that you need to say that
cannot be said from the “I” with practice.
 Learn to cherish your partner
3. Cherishing
The deliberate cultivation of your capacity
to take pleasure in and celebrate what you
have. Cherishing your partner’s progress
by giving him specific positive feedback
is the best way to engender more of the
behaviors you’d like. You cherish your
relationship by making time and putting
energy into it, also by giving your partner
gifts in word and deed that demonstrate
your care.

You cherish yourself through active self-

care. You cherish your commitment to
continued growth and relationship practice
by becoming partners-in-health, sharing
inspiration.

And you can cherish abundance by

stepping into your particular passions
and gifts with no attempt to either own
or disown them, but rather with joy and
respect for your own success and a wish to
contribute to the world.

4. CNI-Busting Behavior
With your partner, draw up a list of CNI-
confirming and CNI-busting behaviors.
These are behaviors that are like or unlike
your partner’s negative expectations - core
negative image, of you.

This list serves as your relationship compass,

as specific operating instructions for how
best to please your partner.

Decrease CNI-confirming behaviors and

increase CNI-busting behaviors.
Stand up for
your wants &
needs
5. Coming to “Center”
Use the relationship grid to provide a
snapshot of where you are, and correct for
any imbalance by doing self-esteem and
boundary work.

6. Contracting
Making explicit contracts protects you, the
contractor, in two ways, by:
7. Cultivating a Sense
a. Making it difficult for the other person to of Abundance
take a victim position, since he’s agreed to the
contract In both ordinary moments and when upset,
stop, either look down or close your eyes for
b. Making each other’s expectations and a few seconds and breathe. Feel the
commitments clear. Contracts always concern sweetness of a good, deep breath. Feel the
behaviors, not attitudes or feelings, and are warmth or coolness of the air on your skin.
best when they’re specific and close-ended. Feel the beauty of your surroundings, the
sun, or the sight of trees outside the window.

Remember that your life is abundant,

that this moment is abundant, and that a
particular disruption in your relationship
or your circumstances will never take that
abundance away.

8. Daring to “Rock the Boat”

In even the healthiest of relationships, getting
what you want often involves assertively
going after it. If something is important to
you, and your partner doesn’t “get it,” you
may need to stand up for your wants and
needs by fighting for them.

This means being willing to behave in ways

that your partner will be uncomfortable
with – acting as unhappy as you are about
the issue, and, while remaining moderate and
respectful, not backing down.
Listen.
Appreciate.
Acknowledge
9. Dead-Stop Contracts
A deadstop contract is an agreement to
interrupt the vicious cycle of CNI-meets-CNI.
The agreement goes like this:

“If I feel rightly or wrongly that you are behaving

in ways that reinforce my CNI of you – if I feel,
for instance, that old, horrible feeling of being
bossed around by you – I will signal a deadstop.
And promise in advance that if you hear that
signal, understanding that your behavior is
CNI triggering, you will come to a dead stop –
whether you agree with my perception or not.”

When you use a Dead-Stop Contract, nothing

short of physical safety takes precedence
over your goal of stopping your repetitive
pattern, no matter what you think of your
partner’s perception or motivation.
10. Helping Your
Partner Succeed

Once your partner has responded by

acknowledging and giving, you:
a. Appreciate what you’ve been offered
b. Ask what you might do to help

If your partner describes something you

might do differently, it is now your turn to
acknowledge and give what you can.

11. Listening to Understand

Remember the speaker role and the listener
role are two different roles. As the listener,
listen.

Focus on your partner and not on

your rebuttals, explanations, or concerns,
either spoken or merely thought. Turn
points of connection into points of curiosity.
 Remember to love, first
12. Making Requests “Honey, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to put you
down. All I meant was…”
Instead of focusing on what your partner has
done wrong, discipline yourself to focus on If, after a few such efforts, it becomes clear
what he could do now or later that would be that your partner is simply behind a wall and
right. not listening politely and respectfully, then
disengage. Don’t bother getting indignant or
You shift from a negative/past focus to a hurt, but also stop banging your head against
positive/future focus. Don’t criticize – ask! the wall.

Don’t argue, reason, or cajole. Just let go and

13. Meeting Immaturity give your partner space to figure it out!
with Maturity
14. Remembering Love
On those occasions when your partner
is obviously operating from an immoderate, Before bringing up a difficult topic, recall
childish part of himself, hunker down and stay that the person you’re about to speak to is
moderate yourself. someone you care about and that your goal in
speaking is to make things better.
Try two or three times to help your partner
reseat himself in his functional adult self, as in, Keep your eyes on the prize!
 Be Responsible with Love
16. Responsible Distance Taking In your mind’s eye reach down if you are
in a toxic shame state and visualize pulling
yourself up into your body so that you
In contrast to unilateral or provocative
look squarely out of your eyes at the other
distance taking, responsible distance taking
person, from a level, sameas, position.
always includes two elements:
In your mind’s eye, reach up if you are in
a. An explanation
a grandiose state and visualize pulling
b. A promise of return or a proposed alternative
yourself down into your body so that you
are looking squarely at the other person,
You don’t simply say, “I don’t want to talk,” you
from a level, same as position.
say, “I don’t want to talk right now. Here’s why,
and here’s when I can.”
18. Smart Generosity
Anytime you say no to someone, you are
taking distance, and should do so responsibly.
Giving your partner more of what he’s
shift from a negative/past focus to a positive/
asking for by asking yourself, “What will
future focus.
giving this cost me?” Things that aren’t
difficult to give but that mean a lot to your
Don’t criticize –ask!
partner, such as remembering an important
date, admitting when you were wrong, or
17. Self-Esteem Practice agreeing to do something you intended
to do anyway, are lowcost, highyield
Check to see where you are – one down,
investments.
one up, or same as and correct if necessary.
 Time-outs essential to regroup
19. Taking Time-Outs minutes. Checking in does not necessarily
mean getting back together. You can check in,
When either partner calls a timeout – by either in person or by telephone – and tell your
saying the word “timeout,” by using the “T” partner that you need more time. With each
hand signal, or by using any agreed upon sign extension, the timeout interval gets longer.
– the interaction comes to an immediate stop.
The recommended length between checkins is:
The spoken or gestured signal understood
by both partners to be an abbreviation of the • 20 minutes
following words: • 12 hours
• Half day
“Dear partner, for whatever reason, right or • Whole day
wrong, I am about to lose it. If I stay here and • Overnight
keep this up with you I am liable to do or say
something stupid that I know I’m going to regret. When reconnecting after a timeout, you must
Therefore, I am taking a break to get a grip on take a 24 hour moratorium on the subject
myself and calm down. I will check back in with that triggered the initial fight.
you responsibly.”

The default interval for a timeout is twenty

 What I saw What I
or heard made up
about it

What How I felt

I’d like about it

Relationship essentials
- feedback wheel
20. Using the Feedback Wheel*

a. Contract with your partner to do the process. Don’t just dump

b. Remember Love
c. Use these four steps of the feedback wheel:

1. What I saw or heard

2. What I made up about it
3. How I feel about it
4. What I’d like

d. Let go of the outcome

* Adapted from Janet Hurley and Pia

Mellody. Wheel Design by:Tracey Navrides