Discerning the Right Partner

FIRST QUESTION: IS HE A CHRISTIAN?

If we wish to be in the will of God in our marriage, then our mate needs to be of the same spiritual persuasion as
we are, and walk in the same spirit relationship with God.

• A believer marrying an unbeliever is what the apostle Paul calls being “unequally yoked” (2 Cor. 6:14).

Ways otherwise clear-headed believers find to rationalize their decision to marry an unbeliever. Here are a few
that I hear often.

 “He’s not a Christian, but he sure is a nice guy.” Even nice guys won’t make it to Heaven without Jesus. An
unbeliever cannot be of the same spirit with a believer because they are not even on the same road
together.
 “He’s a better gentleman than most Christians I’ve dated.” Polite and respectful behavior is important, but
over the long-term will not compensate for the absence of spiritual oneness.
 “He’s not a Christian because he doesn’t want to be a hypocrite.” Would he stop going to his bank just
because one of the tellers turned out to be a crook? This is merely an excuse to avoid being around
believers where he might hear the gospel and get saved.
 “He wants our children to go to my church. That’s why I like him.” Children in a home where one parent is a
believer and one is not often grow up spiritually confused: “Why do I have to go to church? Daddy doesn’t
go.” This is a recipe for trouble.
 “We have so much in common other than religion.” At the most basic and fundamental level—the spiritual
level—a believer and an unbeliever have nothing in common. The superficial commonalities are inadequate
to sustain a relationship with no common spiritual center.
 “I think he’s open. Maybe I can witness to him on our dates.” Here’s the sober, point-blank truth I share
with those who rationalize this way: “If he won’t change to get you, he won’t change to keep you. Once
you’ve lowered your standards to win him, what grounds do you have to try to raise them again
afterwards?”
 “I told him he had to be a Christian, so he accepted Christ.” If he was sincere, fine, but this raises a question
of motivation. Did he “accept Christ” because he knew he needed to be saved, or because he wanted you?
Did you tell him he had to be a Christian because you were concerned about his spiritual condition or
because you were recruiting a spouse?

NOTE: Some believers start to panic if they reach a certain age and have not married and see no prospects in sight.
Their fear drives them to lower their standards, so that they jump at the first “reasonable” candidate who comes
along and shows some interest.

NOTE: No matter how much we try to rationalize, a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever will always be
incomplete because the most essential aspect of a total marriage is lost when there is no spiritual union. A believer
and an unbeliever have no basis for spiritual intimacy. In this case, discerning the right life partner should be pretty
clear. For a believer, an unbeliever is not the right choice for a mate. It’s that simple.

SECOND QUESTION: WHAT IS MY LIFE GOAL?

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We need first to determine what we want out of life, and then find out what the other person wants out of life to
make sure that our life goals are in harmony with each other.

What are some ways believers rationalize on the life goals issue?

 “When we get married, he will change.” Don’t count on it. As I have already said, if he won’t change to get
you, he won’t change to keep you. Couples who do not share similar life goals are not right for each other.
 “He’s shy about praying or displaying his faith in public.” If he is too “shy” to honor Christ publicly, he most
likely will not honor Him privately either. Someone who is bold enough to take a public stand for Christ can
be depended on to be faithful to Him in private as well.
 “After we get married, we will get active in church.” Maybe so, but probably not. If active involvement in a
local fellowship of believers is not a priority before the wedding, don’t expect it to be any different after the
wedding. Make the commitment now—before the wedding. It will save a lot of grief later.
 “We are only young once.” In other words, “We’ll become church people after we’ve had our fling. We’re
going to live it up now while we are young enough to enjoy it.” This rationalization is a sure sign that a
couple does not have their life goals clear in their own minds.
 “He’s not active in church because another Christian wronged him.” Does he stop going to work just
because he has an argument with a fellow worker? This is nothing more than an excuse to avoid dealing
with a relationship problem. It is a smokescreen to hide the deeper issue—his own estrangement from
God.
 “He doesn’t come to church because he sees too much hypocrisy there.” Isn’t it interesting how often the
hypocrisy excuse pops up? If he is really so sensitive to hypocrisy in the church, then he needs to come to
church to show church people how they should live and act. This is just another smokescreen excuse.
 “I don’t want him to think I’m a religious fanatic.” What this rationalization actually means is, “If I talk about
Jesus too much, I may frighten him away.” If he gets frightened about Jesus, he’s not the right partner. For
a believer, Jesus is the Lord of life and home. Unless both partners love Jesus, there will be trouble.

NOTE: Almost inevitably, a believer who desires to please God will find his or her goals frustrated by the
unbelieving spouse. Whether unconsciously or deliberately, the unbelieving partner will try to pull the believing
partner away from the Lord.

THIRD QUESTION: DOES HE HAVE SELF-CONTROL?

1. “Does he have self-control?”

NOTE: To defraud means not only to take advantage of someone, but also to be covetous, to overreach, or to make
a gain at someone else’s expense. With relation to dating, this means that we should never take advantage of
anyone we date, or date anyone who will take advantage of us.

NOTE: The question of self-control, then, centers mainly around the issue of sexual behavior. This does not mean
that self-control is not important in other areas of life. What it does mean is that a person’s attitude toward sex is a
strong indicator of his attitude in other arenas.
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 Someone who exercises self-control in the area of sex will also practice self-control in other, less difficult areas.

Watch out for this issue. Believers rationalize their behavior (or misbehavior) regarding self-control more often
than probably any other area.

 “I know self-control is important, but what’s wrong with our proving that we love each other?” There are
many di􀊃erent ways for couples to show their love for each other without violating each other’s self-
respect. People who are truly in love will jealously guard each other’s self-respect, dignity, and welfare.
 “He has a few bad habits, but no one is perfect.” If his “bad habit” is that he wants to touch, fondle, and
have sex every time you are together, watch out. Ask yourself, “Where did he get this habit?” If it is a habit,
he probably picked it up by doing the same thing with other dates. What makes you think he will stop now
that he is dating you, or that he will stop after you are married?
 “He thinks some Christians are too strict.” What he means is, “Your standards are too old fashioned for
today’s culture. This is the real world. Lighten up. You need to get in touch with reality.” This is really a ploy
to get you to give in—to lower yourself to his standards.
 “Dating standards are different today than they used to be.” Just because “looser” behavior on dates is
tolerated today doesn’t make it right. As believers, we are committed to God’s standards, which never
change, because God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
 “I know we should break up, but I don’t want to hurt him.” Which is the wiser choice, to stay in a sinful
relationship with an unbeliever, or to walk in the purity of the Spirit and the will of God? Encouraging an
unbeliever in his sin will hurt him far more in the long run than will breaking up with him.

FOURTH QUESTION: IS THERE HARMONY AT HOME?

***Anyone we consider dating or marrying should be on generally good terms with his own family. How does he
get along with his parents and siblings?

How do people rationalize on this question?

 “He says I’m the only one he can talk to.” If this is true, he may need professional counseling. More likely,
he is unwilling to face his problem realistically or to talk to those involved. Instead, he seeks to drag in
someone else who will take his side. Being at odds with a potential spouse’s family is not a good way to
begin.
 “I think his parents are too strict.” That may or may not be so, but taking that attitude will likely increase
the tension because it will unite the couple against his family in an “us versus them” mentality.
 “He has a bad temper, but he holds it around me.” Most of us are on our best behavior during dates. How
we act at home says much more about who we really are and what we are really like. If he loses his temper
at home with his parents and siblings, eventually he will lose it with the person he marries.
 “Once he leaves home, things will be much better.” Don’t count on it, particularly if he is the main source of
the problem. Unresolved conflict transfers. A man tends to treat his wife the same way he treats his
mother, and a wife tends to respond to her husband the same way she responded to her father.

NOTE: Many people get married in order to escape problems or disharmony at home. That is never a healthy
reason to marry. People whose childhood homes were battlegrounds are likely to turn their marriage into one as
well.

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FIFTH QUESTION: IS THIS THE PROPER TIME?

**We should never enter marriage until we are confident that we are in God’s will concerning the timing.

**Our society seems to be in such a rush to make children grow up too fast and push them into dating and other
relationships before they are ready. My frequent counsel to young people who are impatient to date or find a
boyfriend or girlfriend is, “Relax. Be patient. Settle down and give yourself time to grow first. The more ready you
are, the better “product” they will get, and the more ready they are, the better “product” you will get.”

There are three important questions we should consider to help determine the proper timing:

1. Parental consent- The purpose of seeking parental consent is to ensure that neither set of parents become
enemies of the marriage or of the “intruder” who took their child away from them.
2. Financial readiness- Every married couple needs to start out with money in the bank, a good job (or jobs)
with enough income to support them, an investment plan to help them put their money to work and make
it grow for them, and a responsible attitude and practice with regard to the use of credit.
3. Educational goals - If you have plans to go to college, then go. Do it now. Don’t postpone it to get married
first. If you do, the chances are very high that you will never go. Few couples going into marriage fully
realize how much marriage will change their lives; how much of a demand it will place on their time and
energy and money.

SIXTH QUESTION: WHAT IS MY GIFT?

- “What is my gift?
- What do I have that I could contribute to this person?”
- This involves the conscious decision of yielding our right to date and marry to God.
- In other words, we say, “Lord, I want to marry in Your will and in Your time and no other.
- I want to marry when You have confirmed in my heart that I am ready.”