Assertiveness

posted by Sam: Assertiveness

"Don't just focus on what you want to say. Most misunderstandings arise because of how you say it."

Regardless of the level of our communication skill, interacting with people can often be quite stressful.
Learning to be assertive can help us reduce and cope with this stress. Assertiveness is a communication
style where we express our personal rights and feelings more openly.

Everyone is assertive to some level, but the level of assertiveness could vary according to the social
situation. For example, a man could be very assertive with his colleagues at work, but not with his wife and
kids. Assertiveness training (AT) defines some basic concepts and skills to enhance our assertive behavior
under varied social interactions.

Communication Style

Assertiveness training defines three different communication styles used by us when we interact with
someone:

 Aggressive: Examples of aggressive behavior are fighting, accusing, threatening, and a general
disregard for the other persons feeling. Aggression is about dominance. A person is aggressive
when they impose their will onto another person and tries to force them to submit.
 Passive: People behave passively when they let others push them around, when they do not stand
up for themselves, and when they do what they are told regardless of how they feel about it.
Passivity is about submission. Nobody likes being dominated, but it might seem like the smart
thing to do at the time (perhaps to avoid disagreement or confrontation).

 Assertive: Assertiveness is about finding the middle path. We behave assertively when we stand
up for ourselves (when required), express our true feelings, and do not let others take advantage of
us while, at the same time, being considerate of others' feelings.

Obviously being aggressive or passive has its advantages. If you are always aggressive, people won't try to
push you around and you may get things done by cowing others down. People who are passive and give in
to the demands of others may stave of disagreements or confrontation and be generally liked by everyone.
However, if you are conceived as pushy and aggressive, people would prefer to avoid you. Passive people
might end up being taken for a ride, as people take advantage of them, and feel anger and resentment.

Personal Boundaries / Rights

Assertive behavior is about a balanced approach. It is not about simply choosing between an aggressive
or passive style of communication. It's about respecting the rights (personal boundaries) and feelings of
others and expecting others to respect your rights and feelings too. If someone doesn't respect your rights
and feelings, you communicate it to them. It isn't about scoring points or getting even by lashing out at
them (aggressive) or feeling hurt and not talking about it so as to not embarrass the other person (passive).
Assertiveness is about respect - for self and others.

Assertiveness training emphasizes that to be assertive, one must be clear about their (and others) rights
while communicating. The five basic rights of every individual:

1. You have the right to do anything as long as it does not hurt someone.

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 2. You have the right to maintain your dignity by being assertive - even if it hurts someone else
(provided you are not intentionally trying to hurt them i.e. being aggressive).
3. You have the right to make a request from someone, as long as you recognize that the other person
has the rights to say no.
4. In many interpersonal situations the rights aren't clear. But you always have the right to discuss the
problem with the persons involved, to clarify it.
5. You have the rights to your rights.

Assertive Behavior

Assertion has 5 behavioral characteristics:

1. Openness implies being clear and specific about what you want, think and feel. A lack of
openness often leads to misunderstanding. "I didn't like that movie", "I feel irritated when you
show up late", "I want to eat Chinese. Can we get Chinese?" are statements that are clear and
unlikely to be misinterpreted.
2. Directness means addressing the person / situation directly. For example, if you are in a group and
you want to say something to someone, communicate directly with that person instead of
addressing the whole group and hoping that the person gets the message. Or, if you want your
husband to get you vegetables from the supermarket when he is out, address it directly, "Will you
please get a packet of frozen peas from the supermarket?" instead of asking, "Will you, by any
chance, be going out today?".

3. Honesty in communication implies that you be truthful and not mislead the other person.
Example: your friend says, "I don't like your hairstyle" and you reply, "Yes, I don't too" when in
fact you actually do. When we aren't honest, we deprive the other person a chance to get to
understand and know us better.

4. Appropriateness implies taking the social and cultural context into consideration before
communicating. Asking out a girl in a bar might be appropriate, but trying to get a date with a
widow on her husbands funeral can certainly get you into trouble. In other words, don't forget your
manners!

If our communication isn't open and direct, the other party has to do a lot of guessing work to determine
what we are actually trying to say or want. They may also feel manipulated (especially if you are being
dishonest too). Behaving inappropriately will lose you respect and invite ire against you.

As we grow older and deal with more complex social interactions between friends, family and co-workers,
we also learn to be flexible. Here, flexibility implies learning to control emotions so that we can choose our
communication style as per the situation, and not let our emotions dictate our approach.

For example, if your life partner or boss is yelling at you, it would be more prudent (and assertive) of you
to NOT give in to anger and be aggressive too. However with a stranger you might prefer (choose) to be
angry and aggressive when threatened, to have an advantage. Or you might purposefully choose to be
passive when you are being robbed at gun point, so as to not endanger your life (even if you know Karate
and fell like thrashing the mugger!).

Becoming Assertive

After understanding the basic concepts, the next step in assertiveness training is practicing it out.
Assertiveness training deals with behaviors of various complexity. In the first phase, we need to practice
our non-verbal cues. This means, while communicating

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  Stand straight
 Make eye contact
 Speak loud enough

If we don't, we quickly lose contact with the other person, our voice might sound monotonous and our
communication rambling and indirect, and the other person will have trouble following us and get bored or
annoyed.

In the second phase, we need to practice

 saying yes or no, when we want to

In the third phase, we need to learn

 adaptive behaviors in job situations

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Assertiveness

Do you often find that others coerce you into thinking their way? Is it difficult for you to express your
positive or negative feelings openly and honestly? Do you sometimes lose control and become angry at
others who don't warrant it?

A "yes" answer to any of the above questions may be an expression of a common problem known as "lack
of assertiveness."

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the rights of others. It is
appropriately direct, open, and honest communication which is self-enhancing and expressive. Acting
assertively will allow you to feel self-confident and will generally gain you the respect of your peers and
friends. It can increase your chances for honest relationships, and help you to feel better about yourself and
your self-control in everyday situations. This, in turn, will improve your decision-making ability and
possibly your chances of getting what you really want from life.

"Assertiveness basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states
your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other" (The Wellness Workbook, Ryan and
Travis). However, before you can comfortably express your needs, you must believe you have a legitimate
right to have those needs. Keep in mind that you have the following rights:

 The right to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing your own goals and dreams and
establishing your own priorities.
 The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions -- and the right to respect yourself
for them, no matter the opinion of others.
 The right not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.
 The right to tell others how you wish to be treated.
 The right to express yourself and to say "No," "I don't know," "I don't understand," or even "I don't
care." You have the right to take the time you need to formulate your ideas before expressing
them.
 The right to ask for information or help -- without having negative feelings about your needs.
 The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically -- with full
understanding and acceptance of the consequences.
 The right to like yourself even though you're not perfect, and to sometimes do less than you are
capable of doing.
 The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to
express yourself honestly -- and the right to change or end relationships if they don't meet your
needs.
 The right to change, enhance, or develop your life in any way you determine.

When you don't believe you have these rights -- you may react very passively to circumstances and events
in your life. When you allow the needs, opinions, and judgments of others to become more important than
your own, you are likely to feel hurt, anxious, and even angry. This kind of passive or nonassertive
behavior is often indirect, emotionally dishonest and self-denying.

Many people feel that attending to their legitimate needs and asserting their rights translates to being
selfish. Selfishness means being concerned about only your rights, with little or no regard for others.
Implicit in your rights is the fact that you are concerned about the legitimate rights of others as well.

Selfishness and Aggressiveness

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When you behave selfishly, or in a way that violates the rights of others, you are, in fact, acting in a
destructive, aggressive manner --rather than in a constructive, assertive manner. There is a very fine line
that divides the two manners of action.

Aggressiveness means that you express your rights but at the expense, degradation, or humiliation of
another. It involves being so emotionally or physically forceful that the rights of others are not allowed to
surface. Aggressiveness usually results in others becoming angry or vengeful, and as such, it can work
against your intentions and cause people to lose respect for you. You may feel self-righteous or superior at
a particular time -- but after thinking things through, you may feel guilty later.

What Assertiveness Will Not Do

Asserting yourself will not necessarily guarantee you happiness or fair treatment by others, nor will it solve
all your personal problems or guarantee that others will be assertive and not aggressive. Just because you
assert yourself does not mean you will always get what you want; however, lack of assertiveness is most
certainly one of the reasons why conflicts occur in relationships.

Specific Techniques for Assertiveness

1. Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think, and feel. The following statements
project this preciseness:
o "I want to..."
o "I don't want you to..."
o "Would you...?"
o "I liked it when you did that."
o "I have a different opinion, I think that..."
o "I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons, but I am disturbed
about these aspects for these reasons."

It can be helpful to explain exactly what you mean and exactly what you don't mean, such as "I
don't want to break up over this, but I'd like to talk it through and see if we can prevent it from
happening again.

Be direct. Deliver your message to the person for whom it is intended. If you want to tell Jane
something, tell Jane; do not tell everyone except Jane; do not tell a group, of which Jane happens
to be a member.

2. "Own" your message. Acknowledge that your message comes from your frame of reference, your
conception of good vs. bad or right vs. wrong, your perceptions. You can acknowledge ownership
with personalized ("I") statements such as "I don't agree with you" (as compared to "You're
wrong") or "I'd like you to mow the lawn" (as compared to "You really should mow the lawn, you
know"). Suggesting that someone is wrong or bad and should change for his or her own benefit
when, in fact, it would please you will only foster resentment and resistance rather than
understanding and cooperation.
3. Ask for feedback. "Am I being clear? How do you see this situation? What do you want to do?"
Asking for feedback can encourage others to correct any misperceptions you may have as well as
help others realize that you are expressing an opinion, feeling, or desire rather than a demand.
Encourage others to be clear, direct, and specific in their feedback to you.

Learning to Become More Assertive

As you learn to become more assertive, remember to use your assertive "skills" selectively. It is not just
what you say to someone verbally, but also how you communicate nonverbally with voice tone, gestures,

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eye contact, facial expression and posture that will influence your impact on others. You must remember
that it takes time and practice, as well as a willingness to accept yourself as you make mistakes, to reach the
goal of acting assertively. As you practice your techniques, it is often helpful to have accepting
relationships and a supportive environment. People who understand and care about you are your strongest
assets.

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Setting boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training

Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. and Jolyn Wells-Moran, Ph.D.

Assertiveness Training suggests that there are essentially three different ways that people can relate to one
another. They can be: 1) aggressive, 2) passive or 3) assertive. Most people come to assertiveness training
already understanding what aggression and passivity mean, but they don't understand assertiveness at all, at
first.

Aggression is about dominance. A person is aggressive when they impose their will onto another person
and force them to submit, in effect invading that person's personal space and boundary. Violence may be
used in this effort, but it is not a necessary component of aggression. Passivity, on the other hand is about
submission. Passivity occurs when a person submits to another person's dominance play, putting their own
wishes and desires aside so as to pay attention to fulfilling the wishes and desires of their dominant partner.
They may not like being dominated (most people don't), but it seems like the smart thing to do at the time
(perhaps to avoid the threat of violence or other coercion). Aggression is about domination and invasion; it
is fundamentally disrespectful of relationship partner's personal boundaries. Passivity is about submission
and being invaded; it is fundamentally disrespectful of one's own personal boundaries.

In contrast to these two fundamentally disrespectful positions, assertiveness is about finding a middle way
between aggression and passivity that best respects the personal boundaries of all relationship partners.
Assertive people defend themselves when someone else attempts to dominate them, using any necessary
method (including force) to repel the invasion attempt. Though they can be strong people who are capable
of aggressive domination attempts, they never act in an aggressive manner, however, because they know
that to do so would cause them to disrespect their relationship partner's boundaries. Another way to say this
is that assertive people use aggression defensively, and never offensively.

There are many classic examples of assertive behavior in history that you can draw upon for guidance and
inspiration. The examples of Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King come to mind readily, however. Both
were leaders of oppressed, invaded groups who were dominated by an upper class (British colonials in the
case of Gandhi, and the American white establishment in the case of Dr. King). Both leaders came to a
realization that submission to the ruling powers was no longer working and that something drastic had to
happen. Both leaders chose a path of non-violent resistance - this is what makes their behavior assertive
rather than aggressive and what separates them from run-of-the-mill freedom fighters everywhere. Their
commitment to non-violent resistance is what made them great. Both leaders demonstrated and protested
against their oppression by the powers that held them down, but did so in a manner that respected the
people wielding those powers to not themselves be violently targeted or oppressed. Both stuck to their
posture of assertive protest despite becoming targets for escalating violence against their person, their
families and the people they represented. In the end, both succeeded in making important reform occur,
even if only imperfectly. They were able to make change occur through assertion, and you can do it too.

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It is very hard for people used to acting passively to understand how to act assertively, however. Many
people new to assertiveness training mistake aggressiveness for assertiveness. This is because their baseline
position is passivity, and they literally cannot conceive that there is any alternative to just giving in to the
demands of others other than to "fight fire with fire", usually in the same violent manner that their
dominant partners model for them. Such newly "assertive" people will start yelling and screaming back at
people who have historically yelled and screamed at them, not realizing in their newly empowered angry
state that by acting in this way, they are going far beyond what is necessary for defending themselves, and
may enter into the realm of becoming themselves abusive and dominating. This beginners mistake is
probably inevitable, and certainly okay to make as a temporary and transitional stage towards better

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learning how to become assertive, but no one should linger there unnecessarily long. To do so is to
substitute aggression for passivity, and to become a bully yourself.

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Four Steps to Assertive Communication:

Step 1 - Send clear messages

Turns out Judy had never clearly told her husband how she felt when he put pressure on her to spend time
with him instead of her mother. When she did discuss it, she hemmed, hawed and stammered with almost
no eye contact.

As a result her husband was not getting a clear message. To communicate clearly, look at your posture and
your facial expressions, as well as your hand and arm movements. Pay special attention to your tone of
voice which can say volumes beyond your words.

People with good assertive communication skills focus on the problem behavior and not the character of
the person.

Step 2 - Learn how to listen

Assertive people have developed their listening skills. While hearing is done with your ears, true listening
is done with your heart. To be a better communicator, start by becoming a better listener.

Step 3 - Start the conversation with "I feel" rather than "you should."

Words have tremendous power to determine how other people experience us, and how they respond to an
issue.

For this reason, people with good assertive communication skills focus on the problem behavior (and not
the character of the person), stick to the point, don't use labels, and make "I" statements rather than "you"
statements.

Judy tried this with her husband and it worked very well. Here is what she said: "Honey, I love you and
want to be with you, but I also need to be with my mother now. Could you get along without me for a hour
a night? I'll try to always be back by 8:30 PM."

Step 4 - Acknowledge your part in the conflict or issue

Anger is often an escalating process, involving two people who create a negative feeling in each other,
sometimes instantly and sometimes over a long period of time.

It is natural to blame another family member entirely for the problem, especially when we are angry or in a
defensive mode.

But, once we return to normal, the assertive communicator is able to accept some of the responsibility for
the conflict. This acceptance and acknowledgement of your contribution to the problem is an indication of
emotional maturity and can create an entirely different atmosphere between conflicting family members.

Try saying the following things to promote communication:

- My reactions were too extreme. I'm sorry. - Even though I still feel I was right about the issue, my
reaction wasn't right and I apologize. - I never thought of things that way. - Let me start again in a different
way. - I can see my part in all this.

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To Judy's delight, when she practiced saying some of these things to her husband in a loving way, he began
changing too. Almost immediately, he became less demanding, more understanding, and more aligned with
her so both of them could better care for her aging mother.

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