Small Things Often

HOW TO BUILD A
POSITIVE, LASTING RELATIONSHIP

Partings • Reunions • Admiration & Appreciation

Date Night & Love Maps
Affection • Aftermath of a Fight
Small Things Often
You might be surprised to know that it doesn’t take a major
overhaul to improve your relationship and maintain momentum
for a lasting connection. Changing your relationship even slightly
can have a dramatic, positive effect over time. Our motto is “Small
Things Often.” Couples who do the following small, thoughtful
things often and repair conflict when it arises, will create a path
toward a more intimate, trusting, and satisfying relationship.

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 PARTINGS AND THE 6 SECOND KISS

2 minutes X 5 days

Prior to parting in the morning, spend two minutes chatting

with your partner to discover at least one interesting thing that
will happen in his or her day. Remember to say goodbye with
a kiss that lasts at least six seconds (faithfully known as “The 6
Second Kiss”).

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 ADMIRATION & APPRECIATION

5 minutes per day

Maintaining a loving relationship requires action and expression.

It’s not enough to have kind, appreciative thoughts about your
partner; it’s really important to say them out loud and let him
or her know. Frequent expressions of affection and appreciation
toward your partner help build a loving base. Here are some
ways to do that:
• Share something you like about your partner’s personality
and an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic.
Example: “I love that you are so (playful, caring, gentle,
kind, powerful, sweet, understanding), especially
this afternoon when you spent time with the
neighbor’s kid.”
• Catch your partner doing something “right” and say thanks for it.
• Send an e-mail, call or text during that day to let your
partner know you’re thinking about him or her.
• Stick a love note in your partner’s car or purse.

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 AFFECTION

5 minutes per day

Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other. Play is good. Make sure
to kiss or touch one another at partings, reunions and before
going to bed. Practice a lingering kiss whenever possible.

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 REUNIONS

20 minutes X 5 days

Build in a Stress-Reducing Conversation

Greet your partner with a kiss when you return at the end of
the day. And build in time for a Stress-Reducing Conversation.
How you manage stress turns out to be very critical. Research
has shown that the couples who buffered their relationships
from external stresses were able to maintain their positive
relationship changes over time.

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STEP 1
Find a quiet, distraction-free space in your home to sit across
from one another and take turns sharing about the stressors in
your day.
STEP 2
Take turns as Speaker and Listener.
Speaker: Talk about your stress in detail for 10 minutes. The
topics must be about situations outside the relationship. This is
not the time to discuss how worried you are about your fizzling
sex life, your partner’s lack of organization, or to complain about
your partner.
Listener: Provide support to your partner. This is not the time
to try and solve your partner’s problem. Clearly understanding
the issues and feelings must precede any advice.

Giving support means:

• Show genuine interest, maintain eye contact, and
ask questions.
• Be an ally for your partner. Show empathy.
• Communicate understanding: “Wow! That would
bother me, too.”

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 • Show solidarity: “This is our problem and we will face
it together.”
• Don’t side with the “enemy” even if you agree with them. You
can still empathize with your partner’s reaction to a bothersome
person or situation. Focus on what your partner is feeling, not
whether he or she is “correct” about the situation.
• Provide affection and comfort: “Let me hold you. I’m here
for you, baby.”

Show that you empathize and care:

• “Tell me more about that.”
• “Wow! No kidding!”
• “That’s so sad.”
• “That would have worried me, too.”
• “I’d be annoyed, too.”
Don’t: Stonewall, ignore your partner, fail to respond, get
defensive or criticize.

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STEP 3 ASK QUESTIONS
The Listener should ask the Speaker if they feel heard and
understood. (Example: “Anything else? I want to make sure I
get it.”) If the speaker says, “Yes,” then you can ask if he or she
wants help problem solving.
If the Speaker does not feel understood, then ask more
questions.
• What’s most upsetting to you about this?
• What’s the worst thing that could happen?
• Is there anything I can do to support you in this?
• What do you need right now?
• What don’t you like about this?

STEP 4
Switch roles as the Speaker and the Listener. Repeat steps 2 &
3. Make a commitment to have a Stress-Reducing Conversation
five days a week for 20 minutes each day.

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 DATE NIGHT & LOVE MAPS

2 hours per week

Make a weekly commitment to have a special date night, just

the two of you, for a minimum of two hours. A weekly date can
be a relaxing, low stress way to update your Love Maps and
“turn toward” each other. Think of open ended questions to
ask your partner:
• What would be your idea of a great getaway?
• How do you envision spending your retirement?
• If you could change anything about the world, what
would it be?

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 AFTERMATH OF A FIGHT

30 minutes per week

We all have arguments and times when we say the wrong thing,
do the wrong thing, and end up hurting one another. One of
the most important tools for maintaining a lasting relationship
is to know how to process a fight (without getting back into it)
in order to make the discussion better next time, and in a way
that doesn’t hurt each other.
Process any hurt feelings or misunderstandings between you
using the “Aftermath of a Fight” booklet. Discussing emotional
injuries can help you reclaim goodwill toward your partner.
Note: To “process” means to talk about an incident without
getting upset about it again. There is no absolute “reality” in a
disagreement. Rather, there are two “subjective realities.” Your
job is to talk about what happened as if you were watching a
play or movie and the action was happening to the characters
on the stage or screen.

We promise that if you practice these Small Things Often each

week, you’ll see how quickly positive feelings can grow to create
the kind of satisfying, close relationship you both want.

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Small Things Often

OTHER GOT TMAN

R E L AT I O N S H I P G U I D E S :
How to be a Great Listener
Aftermath of a Fight
Fondness & Admiration
Avoid The Four Horsemen
Relaxation

[Link]

©2017 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.

Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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