FCS2207

The Importance of Friendship for School-Age Children1

Millie Ferrer and Anne Fugate2

Friends are vital to school-age children’s healthy develop-

ment. Research has found that children who lack friends
can suffer from emotional and mental difficulties later in
life. Friendships provide children with more than just fun
playmates. Friendships help children develop emotionally
and morally. In interacting with friends, children learn
many social skills, such as how to communicate, cooper-
ate, and solve problems. They practice controlling their
emotions and responding to the emotions of others. They
develop the ability to think through and negotiate different
situations that arise in their relationships. Having friends
even affects children’s school performance. Children tend to
have better attitudes about school and learning when they
have friends there. In short, children benefit greatly from
having friends.
Parents also teach their child various social skills by being
What parents can do to help child a good role model. That is, a child learns from how his
parents interact with him and other people. He learns how
make friends to meet people and talk to them, to tell stories and jokes,
Parents play a crucial role in their child’s social develop- and to cooperate with others and ask for favors. He learns
ment. A child is not born with social skills. He needs how to win or lose well, to apologize and accept apologies.
parents who take an active role in preparing him to He learns to accept compliments graciously and to show
interact successfully with his peers. The most important admiration and appreciation. Furthermore, he learns to
thing parents can do for their child is to develop a loving, be patient, respectful, and considerate. Parents help their
accepting, and respectful relationship with him. This warm child learn how to be a person others like to be around by
relationship sets the stage for all future relationships, showing him with their own actions.
including friendships. It helps the child develop the basic
trust and self-confidence necessary to go out and meet You can do a great deal to prepare your child to make
others. It provides a firm foundation on which the child can friends by maintaining a warm relationship with him and
develop social skills.

1. This document is FCS2207, one of a series of the Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences, UF/IFAS Estension, Gainesville FL 32611. First
published December 2002. Reviewed June 2014. by Heidi Radunovich, assistant professor, Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences.
Please visit the EDIS website at http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu.

2. Millie Ferrer, Ph.D., professor, Anne Fugate, former coordinator Educational/Training Programs, Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences,
UF/IFAS extension, Gainesville, 32611.

The Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences (IFAS) is an Equal Opportunity Institution authorized to provide research, educational information and other services
only to individuals and institutions that function with non-discrimination with respect to race, creed, color, religion, age, disability, sex, sexual orientation, marital status,
national origin, political opinions or affiliations. For more information on obtaining other UF/IFAS Extension publications, contact your county’s UF/IFAS Extension office.
U.S. Department of Agriculture, UF/IFAS Extension Service, University of Florida, IFAS, Florida A & M University Cooperative Extension Program, and Boards of County
Commissioners Cooperating. Nick T. Place, dean for UF/IFAS Extension.
being a good role model. Below are some additional ways also better understand the reasons for the rules and the
you can help prepare your child. standards for appropriate behavior.

Provide your child with opportunities to spend time with When you need to discipline your child, remember that
other children. You can provide these opportunities in a he will imitate your actions. How you treat him when he
number of ways. For example, you can invite other children breaks a rule will influence how he responds to others.
to your house to play or let your child participate in clubs, Avoid being harsh and punitive. Instead, be firm, kind, and
classes, or teams. Older children may want to talk with respectful when you express your expectations of him.
their friends on the phone, in chat rooms on the internet,
or through instant messaging. Set rules for using these Teach your child how to handle different social situ-
methods of communication with your child and let him ations. You began this process when your child was a
talk to his friends. toddler. For example, you began to teach your toddler how
to share and how to say please and thank you. Continue
coaching your child as she grows older and encounters
more social situations. If your child will be encountering a
new or difficult situation, talk to her about it beforehand.
For example, your child has been invited to a birthday
party, but she is not sure if she wants to go. First listen to
her concerns. Acknowledge her feelings without judging
them. For example, say, “It sounds like you feel scared about
being around kids you don’t know.” Then help your child
brainstorm ideas about how to handle the situation. She
might want to practice what to say to the birthday child
when she arrives or to invite another guest over to get to
know her better before the party.

Help your child learn games and sports. Being able to

play games and sports tends to be important for school-age
children. Children do not have to be a superstar at a game
or sport, but it is easier to join in and have fun if they know
the rules and have the basic skills. Find out what game or
sport your child is interested in and help her learn it. Do
not pressure your child to play anything she does not want
to. The pressure will only make her feel inferior. Make
sure not to let the practice become a drill or drudgery. Be
encouraging and focus on the fun of playing together.
Talk with your child. Spend some time every day talking
Set clear rules for appropriate behavior. A child learns with your child. This time is not for giving instructions
Figure 3.
social skills in part through family rules about how to or lecturing, but just for talking about the day’s events or
treat others. For example, a child might learn to ask before things that interest both of you. When your child is talking,
Credits: georgemuresan/iStock/Thinkstock
borrowing something or to solve a problem without hitting. make sure you are listening. For example, make eye contact,
Involve your child in setting family rules. If he is involved, nod, and ask him questions to encourage him to elaborate
he will not only be more likely to follow them, but he will on what he is saying. Talking with your child will not only

The Importance of Friendship for School-Age Children 2

help you keep up with him, but it will also let him practice As a parent, you play a crucial role in your child’s social
the very important social skill of holding a conversation. development. You cannot make friends for your child, but
your love, patience, and support make it possible for your
Help your child learn to see others’ points of view. child to meet new people and make friends on her own.
Around the age of six or seven, children are more able Friendships are very important to a school-age child. They
to understand others’ feelings and points of view. Help help a child grow. They help her develop the self-confidence
your child develop this ability by talking about different and social skills she will need as an adult.
situations. For example, when reading with your child,
stop and ask how a character is feeling and why he does
certain things. Or when your child tells you about situation
References
at school, ask how she thinks the people felt and why they Asher, S., and Williams, G. 1996. Children without friends,
acted as they did. parts 1-4. From Day Care Centers Connections from
University of Illinois Cooperative Extension Service.
Help your child learn to manage negative feelings and Retrieved November 18, 2002 from the National Network
solve problems. Being able to manage negative feelings for Child Care Website: http://www.nncc.org/Guidance/
and work out problems are important skills in getting along dc26_wo.friends1.html.
with others. When your child talks about how he is feeling,
listen. Show you are listening by reflecting what he says. Brooks, J. 1999. The process of parenting, 5th ed. Mountain
For example, say, “It sounds like you’re mad at Jamie.” Then, View, CA: Mayfield Publishing Co.
gently coach your child in problem solving. First, help your
Fabes, R., and Martin, C. 2001. Exploring development
child identify the situation. For example, say, “It sounds like
through childhood. Boston, MA: Allyn &Bacon.
you’re upset because Jamie didn’t include you in the game.”
Then help him brainstorm solutions to the situation. Talk
Ford Arkin, C. 1997. Children’s friendships. From Backpack
about the solutions he comes up with and have him pick
Buddies series from The Ohio State University Extension
one.
Service. Retrieved November 18, 2002 from the CYFERNet
Website: http://ohioline.osu.edu/bb-fact/pdf/bb_f_8.pdf.
If you overhear your child and his friend having a conflict,
let them work it out on their own. Only step in if it is really
Gottman, P.1997. Raising the emotionally intelligent child.
necessary: if, for example, an argument is getting physical.
New York, NY, Simon & Schuster.
Do not sweat the small stuff. Fitting in with friends is very
Hamner, T., and Turner, P. 2001. Parenting in contemporary
important to school-age children (and becomes increas-
society, 4th ed. Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon
ingly important as children near adolescence). Recognize
how important it is to your child. She and her friends may
do things that seem silly to you. For example, you may not
like how children this age like to dress. However, if your
child’s behavior is not dangerous or offensive, do not sweat
the small stuff.

Conclusion
If you are concerned about your child making enough
friends, stop to consider whether he just has a different
social style than you do. For example, your child may prefer
one or two close friends rather than a wide circle of friends.
One style is not better

than another. What matters is that your child is comfortable

and happy with his friends. If it seems that your child has
no friends, talk to your child’s teacher, school or family
counselor, or pediatrician for additional guidance and
resources.

The Importance of Friendship for School-Age Children 3