30 DAY

COMMUNICATION
CHALLENGE
30 Day Communication
challenge
Communication is the number one issue couples ask for
help with. Learning to communicate effectively as a
couple will reduce unnecessary arguments, decrease
stress in the home, and strengthen your bond as a
couple. Growing in communication will not only provide
your marriage with more peace but it will deepen your
friendship and intimacy with one another.

This 6-week challenge will help you learn to

communicate more effectively in marriage. Some weeks
have a lighter challenge, while other weeks include heavy
and hard conversations. This is called a “challenge” for a
reason. The goal is to work as a team to improve your
communication. If your communication patterns aren’t
great it’s going to take work and intentionality to improve
them as well as potentially working through some hard
issues.

This challenge includes 5 challenges every week for 6

weeks. You can take the weekends off or aim for every
day and just have 2 “grace days” each week.

Here’s how it works: Each morning, both of you read that

day’s challenge. Then communicate to complete the
challenge in the evening. It’s important to read the
challenge in the morning because some challenges
take time or thought to execute properly.
 WEEK 1
This week we will focus on daily touch points and small daily
communication. Overlooking these can easily lead us down the path
of poor communication and poor connection.

DAY 1
Today’s challenge is simple. You are going to pray together to set the
tone and posture your hearts towards God and your marriage. For this
Communication Challenge to be most effective, you must posture your
hearts first.

Here’s your challenge: Together pray,

That God would be present in this Communication Challenge.
That you would both have the endurance to do the challenge well, even on the
hard days.
That God would soften your hearts toward each other and guide your
conversations and actions during each of the challenges.
That God would protect you and your marriage from the enemy.
That God would draw you closer to Him and closer to each other through this
challenge.

DAY 2
A major part of effective communication that so many couples miss is
being aware. To communicate well with someone you have to see them,
pay attention to them, notice them. Notice your spouse today. Pay close
attention to them. Study them!

Here’s your challenge: Pay attention to your spouse

today.

Study them and pray for them. Then at the end of the day share 1
positive thing you noticed about them today AND 1 positive thing you
learned (or relearned) about your spouse that you hadn’t noticed
before.
 WEEK 1
DAY 3
It’s not the big conversations or moments that make a marriage, it’s the
small, simple daily ones. To communicate well you need to learn to
communicate often. It’s important to have a daily time to check in with
each other. It would be great to make this one a daily routine!

Here’s your challenge: Ask each other these

questions

1. What did your day look like today? Give me a play by play.
2. What was 1 good thing that happened today?
3. What was your least favorite part of your day?
4. What is the thing that consumed your mind for most of the day
today?

DAY 4
Part of good communication comes from having a good relationship
and rapport with each other. We have to put deposits in our spouse’s
love tank.

Here’s your challenge: Think of one way to serve

your spouse today and do that.
 WEEK 1

DAY 5
A major part of communication is understanding each other. The
problem with this is that so much of what is going on is only going on in
our heads. We can’t see our spouse’s thoughts or heart. We don’t know
what’s going on in there unless we ask. Knowing what is going on in a
spouse's head and heart can help us communicate more effectively and
compassionately with them.

Here’s your challenge: Ask each other these

questions

1. What has been on your heart lately? What was 1 good thing that
happened today?
2. Is anything troubling you? Anything you’re anxious or worried
about? What is the thing that consumed your mind for most of the
day today?
3. What negative thoughts have been consuming your mind lately?
4. What is your internal dialogue when it comes to thinking about
yourself?
5. What do you think God thinks about all that? How does God’s truth
compare to your thoughts lately?
6. How can I be praying for you?
 WEEK 2
This week we will focus on tone of voice and body language. Most
experts agree that 70-93% of communication is nonverbal. That means
tone of voice and body language matter A LOT. This week will require
hard conversations about your nonverbal communication and making
plans to improve.

In these conversations it’s important to be honest with each other, be

open to your spouse correcting you and giving you feedback, and also
to have grace with each other.

Improvement is the name of the game here! No one is going to have

perfectly pleasant nonverbal communication 100% of the time. Perfect
is not the goal. But if nonverbal communication is an issue in your
marriage, the goal should be to see some improvement over time. If
nonverbal communication is 70% or more of how we communicate, we
want to make sure we strive to be loving in that communication
towards our spouse.

DAY 1
Today you are going to give each other permission.

Here’s your challenge: Pay attention to your spouse

today.

Give each other permission to talk to each other about your nonverbal communication and
seek to understand each other instead of succumbing to miscommunication. Say no to the
“no I didn’t'' argument and decide together today that you will listen to your spouse. If your
spouse hears something negative in your nonverbal communication - it IS there. Whether it’s
intentional or not, it’s what they perceive and it needs to be addressed. So give them
permission to do that from here on out.

Here is how I recommend this conversation go: If you perceive mean, hateful, or confusing
nonverbal communication from your spouse, seek to understand. Tell your spouse “I hear
you saying ______ with your words but in your body language I hear _______. Can you help me
understand?”

Give each other permission to do that moving forward and resist the temptation to defend
yourself or be dishonest about what your nonverbals are saying. Talk about how you each
might like these types of conversations to go down. What do you need from each other in
order for this to go well?
 WEEK 2
DAY 2
Today we are going to focus on tone of voice. It’s not just what we say,
it’s how we say it. We can cause our spouse a lot of hurt if we use an
unkind tone. We can also cause a lot of confusion and
miscommunication if we say one thing with our words but
communicate something different with our tone.

Here’s your challenge: Talk about tone of voice

together today. Ask each other these questions.
1. On a scale of 1-5 (1 being not often at all and 5 being very often) how
often would you say my tone is unpleasant?
2. On a scale of 1-5 (1 being not confusing at all and 5 being very
confusing) how often would you say my tone is confusing?
3. Where and how does my tone of voice affect you? Especially in an
argument?
4. What is one change I could make that would make you feel more
loved when it comes to my tone of voice?

Most importantly, pay attention to your tone of voice moving forward

and remember to keep giving your spouse that permission to speak up
when they are confused or hurt by your tone. Seek and strive for clarity
and kindness in your nonverbal communication with your spouse.

Here’s your challenge: Think of one way to

serve your spouse today and do that.
 WEEK 2

DAY 3
Today we are going to focus on facial expressions. This includes what we
do with our eyes. Eye rollers - I’m talking to you!

Here’s your challenge: Talk about facial

expressions together today. Ask each other these
questions.
1. On a scale of 1-5 (1 being not often at all and 5 being very often) how
often would you say my facial expressions are unpleasant?
2. On a scale of 1-5 (1 being not confusing at all and 5 being very
confusing) how often would you say my facial expressions are
confusing?
3. Where and how do my facial expressions affect you? Especially in an
argument?
4. What is one change I could make that would make you feel more
loved when it comes to my facial expressions?

Again, most importantly, pay attention to your facial expressions moving

forward and remember to keep giving your spouse permission to speak
up when they are confused or hurt by your facial expression. Seek and
strive for clarity and kindness in your nonverbal communication with
your spouse.
 WEEK 2
DAY 4
Today we are going to take a break from the hard constructive
feedback conversations to do something fun: enjoyable nonverbal
communication!

Here’s your challenge: Create some fun new

nonverbal communication between the two of you.

1. Make up a sign or a “look” that says something sexy to each other.

2. Make up a sign or a “look” that says something silly to each other.

Now the two of you can enjoy your own special little nonverbal language
that no one else knows about!
 WEEK 2

DAY 5
Today we are going to focus on body posture. Our body posture most
often says how engaged or disengaged we are in a conversation.
Slouched shoulders, a body facing away from us and neglecting to
make eye contact says, “I’m not really listening.”

Ideal body posture for talking to your spouse is facing each other,
making eye contact, and being alert, especially when discussing
something important or in an argument.

Here’s your challenge: Talk about body posture

together today. Ask each other these questions.
1. On a scale of 1-5 (1 being not often at all and 5 being very often)
how often would you say my body posture is unpleasant?
2. On a scale of 1-5 (1 being not confusing at all and 5 being very
confusing) how often would you say my body posture is confusing?
3. Where and how do my facial expressions affect you? Especially in
an argument?
4. What is one change I could make that would make you feel more
loved when it comes to my facial expressions?
 WEEK 3
This week we will focus on looking back. We will be looking back at the
past for fun and also to make action plans for correction.

DAY 1
Today, think back to when you first dated each other. We are going to
look at where it all began.

Here’s your challenge: Talk about what it was

like when you first began dating. Ask each other
these questions:
1. What do you remember about our first date?
2. What is one of your most fun memories of us when we were first
dating?
3. What did we used to do for fun when we first began dating?
4. What is one thing we can do to bring back some of that same fun?

DAY 2
Today we are going to think back to the last time you felt
really connected.

Here’s your challenge: Think about what makes

you feel connected to your spouse.

When was the last time you felt super connected to your spouse? What
were you doing? What happened? Share your thoughts with your
spouse. It may be that different things make you each feel connected.
Narrow in on what does it for you.
 WEEK 3
DAY 3
Today we are going to look back at your last conflict. The point of this
exercise is not to get angry or rehash what the other one did wrong but
rather to think about what you could have done differently to make it
go better so that you can plan to do better next time.

Here’s your challenge: Independently think about

and pray about the last conflict you had
Pray and seek God’s guidance. Ask God what your part in the conflict
was and what you could have done better. Once you know what you
could have done differently, communicate that to your spouse.
Apologize and let them know what you plan to do better next time.

DAY 4
Today we are going to think back to your early married years. The
newlywed days!

Here’s your challenge: Talk about what it was like

when you were newlyweds. Think about how you’ve
each grown for the better. Ask each other these
questions.
1. What do you remember about our newlywed days?
2. What is one of your most fun memories of us when we were
newlyweds?
3. What is one way we have grown for the better since our newlywed
days?
4. In what ways am I a better husband/wife than I was when we first
began?
 WEEK 3

DAY 5
Today we are going to look back at your last [Link]
point of this exercise is not to get angry or play the blame game but
rather to work together to learn how to communicate more effectively
as a team. Remember - you are on the same team!

Here’s your challenge: Independently, each of

you think of a recent miscommunication. It may be
that you two think of different events and will talk
about each one.
Calmly explain your perception of what happened. Don’t argue with
your spouse about what “actually” happened. Instead work together to
come up with a plan for next time.

Ask: What went wrong? How can we both work to effectively

communicate next time?
 WEEK 4
This week we will focus on feelings. Our emotions come out in how we
communicate with each other and it’s important to empathize with your
spouse. How we communicate our feelings and respond to our spouse’s
feelings affects our communication and connection with our spouse.
We can’t neglect emotions when it comes to communication.

DAY 1
This week we will focus on feelings. Our emotions come out in how we
communicate with each other and it’s important to empathize with your
spouse. How we communicate our feelings and respond to our
spouse’s feelings affects our communication and connection with our
spouse. We can’t neglect emotions when it comes to communication.

Here’s your challenge: Today as you go about

your day spend time prayerfully thinking about
how you first learned about emotions, how
emotions were dealt with in your home growing
up, and what you think about emotions now. Ask
each other these questions at the end of your day:
1. Who taught you about emotions? What was that like?
2. How were emotions dealt with in your home growing up? What was
healthy about it? What was unhealthy about it?
3. Do you have any unhealthy thoughts about emotions today? If so,
what are they?
4. How do you think God wants us to view our emotions?

God gave us all our emotions. We were made in his image and he is an
emotional God. (Isaiah 62:5, Psalm 106:40, Romans 5:8, Genesis 6:6,
Nehemiah 8:10, and many more.) Jesus also expressed emotions while
he was here on earth (Isaiah 53:3, Luke 5:16, Psalm 69:9, Matthew 17,
John 15:10-11, John 11:35, Matthew 23:33, and many more). Emotions
are not bad. God gave us all our emotions, and He wants us to deal
with them in healthy ways.
 WEEK 4

DAY 2
Today we are going to pray to be self-aware of our feelings. We can’t
communicate our feelings well to our spouse if we don’t even know
what we feel. The first step is being self-aware of our own emotions.

Here’s your challenge: Pray that God would help

you to be self-aware when it comes to your
feelings.

Pray that God would give you clarity in understanding yourself and your
own emotions. Here is a guided prayer to help.

“Lord help me to understand what I feel and believe on a given day.

Bring clarity to my mind. Help me to determine what I am feeling, why
I’m feeling it, and most importantly, what you say about my situation.
Help me to secure truth and throw out lies when it comes to my
emotions. Enable me to deal with my emotions as opposed to stuffing
them down. Grow me more in tune with how I am feeling and what I
am thinking. Help me to deal with my feelings in a healthy way.”
 WEEK 4
DAY 3
Today we are going to think about our primary feelings. What do you
both feel on a typical day? By learning each other’s go-to feelings you’ll
better understand each other and learn to communicate better when it
comes to your feelings.

Here’s your challenge: Look at this Feelings Chart

together.
Look up any of the feelings words you don’t know to define them
better. Think about a typical week for you and what your go-to feelings
are. Share which 5 feelings you think you feel the most with your
spouse and why you think that is.

DAY 4
Today we are going to talk about how to express our feelings to our
spouse. If we misjudge how our spouse is feeling, miscommunication
can occur and cause more hurt.

Here’s your challenge: Talk about healthy ways to

express your feelings to your spouse. Ask each other
these questions:
1. What is a healthy way to express to you that I am stressed?
2. What is a healthy way to express to you that I am happy?
3. What is a healthy way to express to you that I am sad
4. What is a healthy way to express to you that I am angry?
5. What is a healthy way to express to you that I am discouraged?
6. What is a healthy way to express to you that I am (insert any other
feeling you feel regularly here)?
7. If I am unsure of how you are feeling, what is the best way for me to
ask you?
8. If it seems like we aren’t on the same page in understanding each
other's feelings what can we both do to bring clarity to the situation?
9. Have there been ways I’ve misjudged your feelings in the past? What
do you need from me going forward?
 WEEK 4
DAY 5
Today we are going to talk about our responses to our spouse’s
feelings. When it comes to emotions, it’s important to respond to our
spouse with empathy and to strive to respond in loving and appropriate
ways.

Here’s your challenge: Try to define what you

need from your spouse when you feel certain
emotions. Ask each other these questions:

1. When you’re angry, what do you need from me? How can I help?
2. When you’re sad, what do you need from me? How can I help?
3. When you’re stressed, what do you need from me? How can I help?
4. When you’re happy, what do you need from me? How can I help?
5. When you’re discouraged, what do you need from me? How can I
help?
6. When you’re (insert any other feeling you feel regularly here), what
do you need from me? How can I help?
7. Have there been inappropriate ways I’ve responded to your feelings
in the past? What do you need from me going forward?
 WEEK 5
This week we will focus on communication breakdowns. We will look at
common issues couples face in their communication so you can
determine which ones you struggle with and how to overcome them.

In order to do this we will look at the past for these common issues -
but only in order to correct them for next time, not to relive arguments.
If it gets to a place where you aren’t able to have a productive
conversation, stop, put a pin in it and make a counseling appointment
so that you can finish the conversation with the help of a professional.

DAY 1
Assumptions are a major communication breakdown. When we make
assumptions about each other they are often harsh and untrue. We
love to assume the best about ourselves and the worst about others.
We judge others by their behavior and ourselves by our best intentions.
Assuming things about your spouse will set you up for
miscommunication and misunderstanding.

Today we are going to invite the Holy Spirit to convict us of any unfair
assumptions we’ve been making about our spouse.

Here’s your challenge: Today think and pray

about all the negative assumptions you make
about your spouse on any given day. Prayerfully
ask yourself:
 WEEK 5
DAY 1 (CONTINUED)

1. What negative assumptions do I make about my spouse?

2. Are these fair assumptions? Why do I assume these things?
Specifically think about assumptions you might make when you are
angry with your spouse, in conflict with them or when something
doesn’t go your way.
3. Am I assuming the best about my spouse? Why or why not?
4. How can I grow to assume the best in my spouse?

Write your assumptions down. At the end of the day confess them to
your spouse and let them know you want to do better and that moving
forward, you want to start assuming the best about them.

Clarifying questions can be a great tool to overcome assumptions. Ask

questions like: “Why did you do that?” “Help me understand” “Here is
what I hear you saying (insert what you think they are saying). Is that
what you’re trying to say? I want to understand.”

Follow Up Challenge: Together develop a few phrases or questions

that can be your go-to clarity tools to bring accurate transparency to
your conversations.
 WEEK 5

DAY 2
Speaking in superlatives is a great way to irritate your spouse and shut
down their ability to communicate well with you. Saying things like: “you
always,” “you never,” or “every time.” No one does anything “always” or
“never.” Using these vast dramatic statements is harmful and sets your
spouse in a defensive position, making it hard for them to hear you and
communicate well. Today, think about whether or not this is an issue in
your marriage and how to break the cycle if it is.

Here’s your challenge: Talk to each other about

superlatives as a breakdown in communication.
First, repent and apologize if you know this has
been an issue for you. Tell your spouse you're sorry
that you’ve been using this language and that you
want to try and stop.
Ask each other:
1. Is this an issue for me? Confess where you have been using
superlatives unfairly. Give each other the opportunity to confess
your own mistake before pointing it out to each other.
2. Is there anything you need to say to me about how my use of
superlatives has hurt you? When do I use them and how? Now you
can point out your spouse’s mistakes if they aren’t aware of them
but remember to be graceful and loving as you do this. Remember -
you two are on the same team. So work together and really listen to
each other here.
3. What happens when we use superlatives? How does it harm our
communication?
4. What should we do to overcome this?
5. The next time one of us uses this language, how can we lovingly
correct each other and move forward as a team?

Pray and ask God to help you overcome this communication

breakdown.
 WEEK 5
DAY 3
Playing the blame game leads to communication breakdown. You are
both on the same team. You are one. So it’s never “me” versus “you,” it’s
always “us” working together to solve the problem. There are no
winners and losers on the same side; there's only a problem out there
for you to solve. So make the “turn” Dr. Kim talks about: Turn from
facing each other fighting to facing the problem, side by side, fighting
the problem together.

Here’s your challenge: Decide together today

that you are going to work on viewing your
marriage more like a team. Pray and ask God to
help you avoid blaming each other and instead act
like great teammates who solve problems
together.

The next time you are in a fight, try to visualize “the turn.” Visualize
standing next to your spouse on the same team. Then figure out what
the real problem is and face it together.
 WEEK 5
DAY 4
Speaking to be understood instead of seeking to understand is another
communication breakdown. If all you are trying to do is get your point
across, you set yourself up for continued conflict with your spouse.
Instead of falling into this trap, both of you can aim to understand each
other as you talk moving forward. Humbly think of your spouse as
greater than yourself. Think of serving them and knowing them as you
talk with them.

Here’s your challenge: Talk to each other about

speaking to be understood first instead of seeking
to understand as a breakdown in communication.
First, repent and apologize if you know this has
been an issue for you. Tell your spouse you're sorry
that you’ve been trying too hard to get your point
across and not trying hard enough to understand
them.
Ask each other:
1. Is this an issue for me? Confess where you have been doing this.
Think specifically of arguments or conflict you’ve had where you
might have done this.
2. Is there anything you need to say to me about how I do this? When
do I do this and how?
3. What happens when we focus too much on being understood as
opposed to seeking to understand? How does this harm our
communication?
4. What can we do to overcome this?
Pray and ask God to help you overcome this communication
breakdown.

Follow Up Challenge: Come up with five great questions you can ask
each other in an argument to better understand each other.
 WEEK 5
DAY 5
Bringing up the past and scorekeeping are two other communication
breakdowns that go hand in hand. You can’t keep dwelling on the past
and rehashing what happened there. A better use of your time is to
figure out what needs to change for next time. Focus on the now and
the future.

Scorekeeping is another way of holding onto the past. Remember, you

two are on the same team. Holding onto your spouse’s past losses
(mistakes and sins) is a damaging strategy when it comes to your
marriage.

Here’s your challenge: Decide together today to

forgive each other for all the past issues. Decide
that you will focus on the here and now when you
have conflict without bringing up baggage from
the past.

Talk to each other about bringing up the past and scorekeeping as

breakdowns in communication.

Ask each other:

1. What happens when we focus too much on the past as opposed to
dealing with the issue at hand? How does this harm our
communication?
2. What can we do next time there is a conflict to make sure we focus
on the problem at hand and not our past baggage?
3. Are there any past issues that you are truly struggling to forgive?
What can we do to move past that? Do we need counseling to
resolve this?

Pray and ask God to help you with any unforgiveness. Pray and ask God
to help you overcome this communication breakdown.
 WEEK 6
For this last week we will end the challenge with some lighter
connection-building challenges as well as a plan to revisit and tackle
any lingering communication issues.

DAY 1
Worshipping together and communicating about worship are great
ways to connect. It connects you on a spiritual level. Today we are going
to talk about worship.

Here’s your challenge: Browse worship music

today and find a worship song that really speaks
to you. Share it with your spouse this evening and
tell them your favorite verse from the song and
why.

DAY 2
Gratitude and appreciation go a long way in a relationship. It’s easier to
hear someone when we feel appreciated by them.

Here’s your challenge: Share with each other three

things you appreciate about each other.
 WEEK 6
DAY 3
Today, celebrate any wins you’ve seen so far. Part of being a team
means you celebrate your victories together! Take advantage of each
and every opportunity you two have to celebrate.

Here’s your challenge: Think back over the last

five and a half weeks. Ask each other:
1. What challenge has opened your eyes the most?
2. Where have you seen growth in yourself?
3. Where have you seen growth in our marriage?

Then celebrate together by doing something fun! Plan a date night!

Toast with your favorite beverage. Give each other high fives. Spend the
evening celebrating in your favorite way.

DAY 4
Doing this challenge for 6 weeks only to forget everything you’ve
learned about each other would be a major missed opportunity. Today
let’s define what issues still need work when it comes to your
communication.

Here’s your challenge: Both of you prayerfully think

about what your top two communication issues still
are. What is your plan to tackle them? Write out a plan
together of how you will both continue to work at
solving this communication issue. This plan might
include calling a Christian marriage counselor to set
up an appointment. You will not regret the time and
money you spend on your most important earthly
relationship!
 WEEK 6
DAY 5
Laughter is one of the best ways to communicate with your spouse.
Laughter bonds you together in a special way.

Here’s your challenge: Make your spouse laugh

today. Find something funny that you know will
make your spouse laugh and share it with them
tonight. It can be a funny YouTube video, a funny
meme, a funny or silly gift that will make them
chuckle - anything that will make them laugh!
 Has this resource helped your marriage?

If so, will you take a moment to share your wins with us?
You can check out other great resources by Awesome Marriage
here.

Want more ways to invest in your marriage? Sign up for Dr. Kim’s
FREE One Thing To Grow Your Marriage Each Day email or text
here.

Written by Christina Dodson, COO of Awesome Marriage