WOR KBOOK

Developing your
emotional intelligence

[Link]
CONTENTS
About this workbook 1

Why you need emotional intelligence 3

What is your emotional intelligence quotient? 10

The five components of EQ and how to develop them 14

The five components of EQ 15
Self-awareness 19
Self-regulation 25
Motivation 31
Empathy 37
Social skill 43

Three common workplace emotions and how to 49

manage them
Frustration 51
Worry 53
Anger 55

Your personal action plan 57

everywoman experts 59
Further reading 60

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence i

ABOUT THIS WORKBOOK
Established in 1999, everywoman advances women in business. Our aim is
to ensure women from all over the world fulfil their potential. We produce
workbooks on topics that matter most to our members, and we’re constantly
listening to your views to give you the tools you need to kick-start your
career, at a time and place that suits you.

Are you emotionally intelligent? You might be embarking on this workbook because you
want to put your emotional intelligence to the test. Or you might be unsure exactly
what it means to be emotionally intelligent, but are aware that as a much-discussed
and critical leadership skill, it is something you must develop if you
are to be successful at work.

If you aspire to a leadership role, this workbook will arm you with the
knowledge you need to start developing your emotional intelligence,
or EQ, now.

Becoming more emotionally intelligent isn’t just about achieving your long-term goals.
Good listening abilities, a cool head in a crisis, good management of constructive critic-
ism, self-confidence in critical situations and a strong sense of self are just a few of the
essential career skills associated with high emotional intelligence. No wonder that workers
with high EQ are far more likely to get a promotion than those with high IQ alone.

The components of your emotional intelligence quotient (EQ)

defined by American psychologist Daniel Goleman in 1995.
1. Self-awareness: the ability to “know thyself”
2. Self-regulation: the ability to control your emotions
3. Motivation: understanding what drives you, beyond a need to
make a living
4. Empathy: seeing things from someone else’s point of view
5. Social skills: channelling skills 1-4 through top class
communication

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 1

Furthermore, a whole raft of studies from the worlds of business
and psychology conclude that people with higher EQ have stronger
relationships, are more in demand by employers, better manage the
stresses of working life, and are generally happier, mentally healthier
individuals.

As you progress through this workbook, you’ll discover both the theory of EQ, and
practical hints and tips for how you can implement the components of self-awareness,
self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills in your daily performance.
For inspiration, you’ll hear from a businesswoman whose EQ practice had been
acknowledged by prestigious awards, on how she’s consciously developed her own
emotional intelligence through her successful career in banking.

The evidence shows that leaders with low emotional intelligence are
destined not only to be far less successful in business, but also more
likely to suffer relationship problems or mental health issues. It’s facts
like these which make EQ – often dismissed as a soft skill – seem much
less a ‘nice to have’ and far more a ‘must have’.

Let us know how you get on! Email contact@[Link] with your experiences.

Karen, Max & the everywoman team

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 2

 PART 1
Why you need emotional
intelligence

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 3

WHY YOU NEED EMOTIONAL
INTELLIGENCE
The term ‘emotional intelligence’ was coined in 1990 by two Yale academics.
The psychology world debated whether emotional intelligence – “the ability
to recognise one’s own and other people’s emotions, to discriminate between
different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional
information to guide thinking and behaviour”1 – is an inherent characteristic
an individual either possesses or does not possess, or something that can be
learned.
More than a decade later, American psychologist Daniel Goleman
published his seminal work Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter
More Than IQ (see further reading), in which he drew concrete links
between emotional intelligence and the business world, specifically
leadership. In it, he claimed that emotional intelligence accounts for 67%
of the abilities deemed necessary for superior performance in businesses – mattering
twice as much as IQ and technical skills.

While emotional intelligence is tricky to quantify, it’s certainly easy to spot when
someone has it in abundance. You might hear them being spoken of or experience
them yourself as:
• Good listeners
• Always knowing the right thing to say at the right time
• Remaining calm in a crisis
• Keeping a cool head even when they’re stressed or angry
• Articulating their emotions well
• As at ease making decisions based on intuition as they are on hard facts and data
• Intuitively sensing the emotional needs of others
• Taking criticism well and using it as impetus for learning and growth
• Someone people turn to in a crisis
• Popular members of a team
• Thriving during tough times
• Entering negotiations or conflicts with an air of calm and self-confidence
• Acknowledging when they are nervous, angry, fearful or anxious, without
allowing those emotions to control them or their behaviour
• Displaying tact and diplomacy in critical situations
• Making others feel good about themselves

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 4

 • Happier, more optimistic and hopeful even in bleak circumstances
• Having extensive networks and a genuine interest in others

It’s clear to see why such skills are necessary at every stage of your career, but they
are of particular import to those who aspire to grow in seniority.

The Harvard Business Reviews says: “You can be a successful leader without much
emotional intelligence if you’re extremely lucky and you’ve got everything else going
for you: booming markets, bumbling competitors, and clueless higher-ups. If you’re
incredibly smart, you can cover for an absence of emotional intelligence until things
get tough for the business. But at that point, you won’t have built up the social capital
needed to pull the best out of people under tremendous pressure. The art of sustained
leadership is getting others to produce superior work, and high IQ alone is insufficient
to that task.2”

Goleman was more explicit: “Without [EQ] a person can have the best
training in the world, an incisive, analytical mind, and an endless supply
of smart ideas, but [he/she] still won’t make a great leader.”

Having emotional intelligence in the earlier stages of your career enables you to be
seen as future leadership material. And as you progress, it will ensure you foster
quality relationships among a wide network
and better weather the storm of stressful “Emotional intelligence
occasions. There is also evidence to
suggest you’ll be happier for it too: Studies is what our grandparents
have shown that people with high EQ have called wisdom.”
greater mental health, are happier and
have better marital relationships. US businessman, Bill Bonnstetter

Additionally, as more and more organisations look to use EQ testing in their hiring
processes (75% of employers say they value EQ over IQ when it comes to promoting
internally3), the question of whether you need to develop your emotional intelligence
might be better phrased: can you afford not to?

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 5

 The neuroscience of EQ

The skills associated with emotional intelligence are based in the brain’s limbic
areas. Skills based in this brain region are learned through motivation, extended
practice, and feedback (more on this later). IQ skills, on the other hand, are
based in the neocortex, which governs analytical and technical ability. The
neocortex grasps concepts quickly; this part of the brain, for instance, can figure
out from reading a book on how to use a computer program, or the basics of
making a sales call.

On the other hand, the limbic brain is a much slower learner, particularly when
the challenge is to relearn deeply ingrained habits. This difference matters
immensely when trying to improve leadership skills. Re-educating the emotional
brain for leadership learning therefore requires a different model from what
works for the thinking brain. It needs a lot of practice and repetition.

Adapted from: EQ-HR: The Center For Emotional Intelligence & Human Relations Skills 4

Are women more emotionally intelligent than men?

Yes, and Yes and No. Some measures suggest women are on average
better than men at some forms of empathy, and men do better than
women when it comes to managing distressing emotions.

Whenever you talk about such gender differences in behaviour, you

are referring to two different bell curves, one for men and one for women, that largely
overlap. What this means is that any given man might be as good or better as any
woman at empathy, and a woman as good as or better than a specific man at handling
upsets.

Neuroscientists tell us one key to empathy (one component of emotional intelligence)

is a brain region called the insula, which senses signals from our whole body. When

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 6

you’re empathising with someone, your brain mimics what that person feels, and the
insula reads that pattern and tells us what that feeling is.

Here’s where women differ from men. If the other person is upset, or the emotions
are disturbing, women’s brains tend to stay with those feelings. But men’s brains do
something else: they sense the feelings for a moment, then tune out of the emotions
and switch to other brain areas that try to solve the problem that’s creating the
disturbance.

Neither is better — both have advantages. The male tune-out works well when there’s
a need to insulate yourself against distress so you can stay calm while others around
you are falling apart — and focus on finding a solution to an urgent problem. And the
female tendency to stay tuned in helps enormously to nurture and support others in
emotionally trying circumstances.

When you only look at the stars — leaders in the top ten percent of business
performance — gender differences in emotional intelligence abilities wash out: the
men are as good as the women, the women as good as the men, across the board.

That echoes a discovery by scientists who study primates. When

a chimp sees another chimp who is upset, say from an injury, she
mimics the distress, a way of showing empathy. Some chimps will
then go over and give some solace to the upset chimp, for example,
stroking the other to help it calm down. Female chimps do this more
often than male chimps do — with one intriguing exception: the alpha
males, the troupe leaders, give solace even more often than do female chimps. In
nature’s design, leaders, it seems, need a large dose of empathic concern.
Adapted from [Link]/are-women-more-emotionally-intelligent-than-men/

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 7

EQ: A soft skill?

Daniel Goleman’s work took the thinking around emotional intelligence in business
from a ‘nice to have’ to a ‘must have’. Sometimes EQ is dismissed as a soft skill, but
Goleman himself and countless studies and psychology papers have since presented
evidence to show that there is a very real link between high emotional intelligence and
tangible business success.

• In a study with naval officers, emotional intelligence proved to be more

powerful at predicting leadership efficacy than either IQ or managerial
competence.
• After supervisors in a manufacturing plant received training in emotional
competencies, lost-time accidents were reduced by 50%, formal grievances
were reduced from an average of 15 per year to three per year, and the plant
exceeded productivity goals by $250,000.
• At L’Oreal, salespeople trained in emotional intelligence had a 63% lower staff
turnover than others.
• Companies implementing EQ earn 32% higher scores on leadership.
• According to IBM’s 2012 survey, over 1700 CEOs say their two top needs are
collaboration and connecting with customers — these are both driven by
emotional intelligence
• Restaurant managers with higher EQ create 34% greater annual profit growth,
increased guest satisfaction and higher employee retention.
• In one of McDonalds’ suppliers in Europe, almost half of managers’
performance (47%) is predicted just by emotional intelligence scores.
• Of the leaders surveyed in a HayGroup survey with high emotional self-
awareness, 92% created positive workplace climates.
• Higher EQ scores predict higher performance in ethics.

Source: Six Seconds (The Case For Emotional Intelligence)

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 8

Can EQ be learned?

In response to the question of whether EQ can be learned, Goleman was unequivocal

that it can be. He presented in his book research which suggests EQ is something that
develops with maturity. Subsequent research has shown however, that the relationship
between EQ and age is very slight – meaning there while a slight majority of older
people are higher in EQ, there are many young people who outperform their elders
when it comes to making wiser, more principled decisions and self-management5.

Goleman did, however, have a word of caution for those looking to up EQ.
“It’s important to emphasise that building one’s emotional intelligence cannot
— will not — happen without sincere desire and concerted effort. A brief
seminar won’t help; nor can one buy a how-to manual. It is much harder to
learn to empathise — to internalise empathy as a natural response to people
— than it is to become adept at regression analysis. But it can be done.

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm,” wrote Ralph Waldo
Emerson. If your goal is to become a real leader, these words can serve as a
guidepost in your efforts to develop high emotional intelligence.”

He did though reveal that when it comes to EQ, the key to success is: motivation,
extended practice, feedback. That is, digging deep to understand the personal gains
of developing each facet of emotional intelligence, putting EQ to use on a regular
and consistent basis, and learning from the feedback of others. The latter point is an
important one, put into simplistic terms by the Harvard Business Review: “We may not
have a very accurate idea of how smart we are, but our notion of how nice we are is
even less accurate.”6

As you progress through each of Goleman’s five components of emotional intelligence,

we’ll refer back to his ‘motivation, extended practice, feedback’ mantra, encouraging
you to examine the impact this skill could have on your personal circumstances, how
you can begin to put such skills to use on a consistent basis, and how you can measure
your success.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 9

 WHAT’S YOUR EMOTIONAL
INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT?
The quiz below draws on key thinking around emotional intelligence and its
hallmarks, including Daniel Goleman’s research on EQ and the Toronto Empathy
Scale. When deciding whether each statement is a lot like you, a bit like you
or not at all like you, consider the evidence to back up your assertion, or what
others might answer for you.

A lot like A bit like Not at all

me me like me

1 I can recognise and articulate my

5 3 0
emotions as I experience them.

2 I am known as a hot head who can

0 3 5
fly off the handle when frustrated.

3 I enjoy setting realistic goals and

5 3 0
review them regularly.

4 When someone else is feeling

5 3 0
excited, I tend to get excited too

5 I get a kick out of connecting

disparate individuals from my 5 3 0
network.

6 I welcome constructive feedback

5 3 0
from others as a way to improve.

7 I struggle to soothe myself down

0 3 5
when I’m angry or upset.

8 I prefer immediate or short-term

0 3 5
gains to longer-term goal planning.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 10

 9 It upsets me to see someone being
5 3 0
treated disrespectfully

10 I dislike organising groups. 0 3 5

11 I’m not always entirely clear on

my own personal strengths and 0 3 5
weaknesses.

12 My negative emotions can linger,

0 3 5
making it difficult to move on.

13 I get personal satisfaction from

doing something well, even when 5 3 0
others don’t notice.

14 I get a strong urge to help when I

5 3 0
see someone who is upset

15 I avoid confrontation and back

0 3 5
away from conflict situations.

16 I prefer not to dwell on negative

emotions; it’s better to put them 0 3 5
out of mind and move on.

17 Others describe me as being

a calming influence in volatile 5 3 0
situations.

18 Where processes are concerned, I

take an ‘if it isn’t broken, don’t fix 0 3 5
it’ approach.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 11

 19 I become irritated when I see
0 3 5
someone cry

20 It takes me a long time to build

0 3 5
rapport with a new colleague.

21 I would hesitate to ask my boss for

help in case they thought I was not 0 3 5
up to the job.

22 I say or do things when upset that I

0 3 5
know I’ll regret later.

23 The more concrete the target, the

5 3 0
more determined I am to hit it.

24 I do not feel sympathy for people

who cause their own serious 0 3 5
illnesses

25 I see the value in getting to know

individuals outside my immediate 5 3 0
working environment.

Scoring: total up your scores. There is a total of 125 points available.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 12

YOUR RESULTS
< 50 In many cases, these will be self-explanatory. A low score (less than
50) demonstrates that you need to do some work to develop your
emotional intelligence.

50 - 75 If you’re somewhere in the middle (between 50 and 75), or you’re

surprised that your score is lower than expected, it might be that you
are emotionally intelligent in some areas, but are lacking in one or
more of the five components. As you read through each of the five
pillars of EQ, you’ll learn which quiz questions they relate to, and
where you might need to shine a particular light on your emotional
intelligence to bring it in line with your existing EQ skills.

A higher score (over 75) indicates that you are naturally emotionally
> 70 intelligent, in which case the deeper analysis of the five components
of EQ you’ll read about next will help you to develop those skills on a
more conscious level.

You may find it useful to come back to this quiz at regular intervals, looking for
tangible evidence of where you have been able to convert a ‘not at all like me’
response to a ‘a lot like me’, or vice versa.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 13

 PART 2
The five components of
emotional intelligence

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 14

THE FIVE COMPONENTS OF
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
The five components, as outlined by Daniel “Self-control, zeal
Goleman’s framework for emotional intelligence
and persistence
are: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation,
empathy and social skills. The first three skills are the main
relate to self-management, that is how you control features of every
your own emotions. The last two look at how you
successful story.”
relate to others.
Daniel Goleman
Before you dive into the theory of each component in
turn, a word on how you can apply this knowledge to
the development of your own emotional intelligence: Goleman’s mantra for how you
increase your EQ in the limbic brain region is:

Motivation; extended practice; feedback.

What does this mean? Well, motivation in this context refers to

your key driver for becoming more proficient in each component
of EQ. So understanding why you want to become more self-
aware. How will better self-regulation benefit your career? In
what ways will increased motivation enable you to develop? What
impact will extended empathy have on your work-life? And how
will working on your social skills get you where you want to be?

As you’ve already discovered, the neocortex, where your IQ skills are housed can
convert facts learned into instant knowledge. But the limbic system governing your
EQ requires more sustained effort, or, extended practice. You’ll need to make a plan
of action to ensure that you regularly put the time in to consciously and consistently
develop each facet of emotional intelligence.

And finally feedback. Self-assessment is less possible when it comes to EQ than it is

when, say, you’re analysing your own improvement in a particular knowledge area or
an on-the-job skill. But measuring your own ability to relate well to others or manage
your own emotions is more challenging. That’s where the feedback of others will be
critical for your practice.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 15

In order to help you understand how
motivation, extended practice, and Checklist:
feedback can each play a part on a
Discover your ‘motivation’ by:
practical level in your career, we’ve
spoken to a woman whose emotional P Considering what areas
intelligence has helped her reach the top of work energise or excite
of her game. As one of the few female you (for Deanna it’s solving
leaders in the male-dominated world of problems and teamwork)
banking, Deanna Oppenheimer (former P Thinking about the ways
Head of Barclays UK) found emotional in which you enjoy being
intelligence to be one of the most perceived at work (in
important qualities she brought to her Deanna’s case, as a
leadership tenure. connector and a great
arbitrator)
She has been recognised by numerous
business awards (including Britain’s
Business Communicator of the Year 2007) and is currently nominated for 2015’s
Inspiring Leadership Trust’s Inspiring CEO award in the category ‘emotional
intelligence’.

On motivation

I like solving problems, being challenged with something new. But

I don’t like doing that in a vacuum; I much prefer having people
around. I also like connecting people and enjoy making introductions,
which works so well in my current role where I connect start ups with
investors.

My emotional intelligence has been a huge advantage in my problem solving and role
as a connector. A definite alpha male thing happens when a lot of alpha male type
men and women get in a room together. When you dial up your EQ, you become less
threatening and as a result you get a lot more traction from a negotiation or a difficult
conversation. Reading body language and facial expressions is a bit like learning a
foreign language, and I don’t believe it’s a soft skill at all. In fact, it’s crucial you get

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 16

it right. It allows you to get through
critical situations unscathed, diffuse
Checklist:
chaotic atmospheres before they become
insurmountable challenges, and if you’re Discover your ‘extended
lucky, make it possible for others who practice’ by:
are perhaps too scared to speak up to P Becoming more conscious
have their say too. of the facets of emotional
intelligence you already
perform well in, looking for
On extended practice further ways to develop

I have always been good at reading

P Constantly evaluating your
development: what is
people and putting myself in someone
working well and what isn’t
else’s shoes – every since I was a child in
working so well?
fact. But in my early career, I’d say I was
“unconsciously competent” with those
skills. As I went through various courses
and training and real interaction with people I became more consciously competent:
understanding what works and what does not work in real life situations with real
people.

In a volatile situation the first thing I do is sit back and assess the situation. In my early
career, a mentor said to me: “You can sit there and let people wonder what you know,
or you can open your mouth and remove all doubt.” But I’ve found that in a strange
dynamic where you’re feeling unsure, sitting back and observing the verbal and the
non verbal clues is a good thing to do. That’s when you can suss out if something’s not
quite right.

I do a lot of meditation. It helps to frame the moment. I can breathe and calm down
and find some control over whatever’s going on. You can definitely practise those
skills.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 17

On feedback

From mentors: One early boss told me I was really great in sales situations
because I am so confident with speaking up, but he made me think not
just abut my delivery but how I could deliver them with more punch and
clarity. With self-awareness and practice I got much better at making my
point in a way which made it easier for others to grasp.

From direct reports: When you can be the boss and be completely filled
with gratitude for what your employees do, appreciative and
understanding of their roles, they will follow you out of inspiration and
that is way more powerful than being an authoritative or bullying leader.
When people relate to you, that’s when you get ordinary people doing
extraordinary things.

From external recognition: In my early days at Barclays there was a

whistle-blower incident. It happened while I was on a tour of call
centres, meeting teams for the first time. Emotionally it was a difficult
time for me but my main concern was for the thousands of employees whose roles had
been brought into disrepute. I stood on stage and told the teams that the problems
that had been unearthed in the press were absolutely not their fault – they were the
fault of us in head office. And that given what they’d achieved while having to jump
through all the hoops we made them jump through, I couldn’t wait to see what they
were capable of once we’d made things easier for them. Employee engagement scores
improved drastically during a critical period in the bank and as a result I won Britain’s
Best Business Communicator Award.

Checklist:
Elicit ‘feedback’ by:
P Establishing your personal advisory board: Whose feedback matters to you?
Who do you trust? Whose opinion will make a difference, be useful or add a
completely fresh perspective?
P Being as specific as possible with your personal advisory board about the
feedback you need. The more specific you are, the more meaningful the
feedback will be.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 18

1. SELF-AWARENESS
The importance of self-awareness is much older than
the definition of EQ. In fact, ancient Greek philosophers
wrote of the importance to “know thyself”. And in today’s
business world, those who lack self-awareness rarely win
friends or influence people.

Daniel Goleman introduced this aspect of EQ as follows: “Self-awareness means having

a deep understanding of one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, needs, and drives.”

Goleman warned that self-awareness is often wrongly perceived as a “fluffy” or a “nice

to have” business skill. But anyone who’s been on the receiving end of a blundering
boss or a colleague oblivious to his or her impact on others will disagree. As the adage
goes: “People don’t leave companies, they leave bad bosses.”

Before you go on to discover the hallmarks of self-awareness and how

high or low self-awareness plays out in common business situations,
look back at your quiz scores (out of 25) for questions 1, 6, 11, 16 and
21, which relate specifically to self-awareness. If you scored particularly
low in this area, pay particular attention to this facet of EQ, coming
back to the exercises in this section at regular intervals in your
extended practice.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 19

 Hallmarks of a self- High self-awareness Low self-awareness
aware person example example

You recognise how your You know that you get You find yourself
feelings affect you, others more and more stressed repeatedly side-tracked
and your job performance. as a deadline approaches, by a colleague’s irritating
so you plan your time behaviour.
accordingly.

You’re aware of your You notice the physical You don’t notice that
moods as you experience impacts on your body you’re in a bad temper
them. as a stressful meeting until a colleague calls out
approaches, or how light your facial expression or
on your feet you feel after body language.
receiving some glowing
feedback.

You have a good grasp When faced with a new You accept a job offer
of your own values and opportunity you can because it offers more
goals. evaluate its merits based money but further down
on how it fits with your the line you realise it
long-term ambitions. doesn’t fit with your long-
term goals.

You are honest and candid You can calmly express You struggle to articulate
about your feelings with your disappointment at your feelings beyond
regards to work. not receiving a promotion broad brushstrokes: i.e.
and ask for leniency positive, negative, happy
while you deal with your or sad.
feelings.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 20

 You know your own In a job interview you can You prefer to avoid
strengths and weaknesses. candidly discuss both past considering your failures
successes and past failures and do not accept
with total honesty. constructive criticism
well.

You seek balanced You ask your boss to You take feedback
feedback (for example, in elaborate on your personally, often taking a
a performance review or weaknesses because it long time to recover from
project wash-up). gives you opportunities to the perceived threat of
learn and grow. failure.

You know when to ask for You avoid overstretching You take on a stretch
help. yourself and have a good assignment and find
grasp of both your own yourself out of depth,
capabilities and your own but feel too afraid or
limitations. embarrassed to ask for
additional resources.

You play to your own As the most junior person You speak up as often
strengths. in the room, you know as possible, even when
when to sit back and you’ve little to add;
listen, and when you it’s your strategy for
can offer real value by remaining ‘visible’.
speaking up.

Over to you: In the spaces on the next page, outline a concrete example of how
you have exemplified, or otherwise, each hallmark of self-awareness. Try to be
as honest as possible, and if you can think of both high or low self-awareness
examples to illustrate each point, note those too. After all, acknowledgement of
limitations and weaknesses is a key identifier of self-awareness so you’ll be taking
an important stride forward by acknowledging where you might be falling short.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 21

 Hallmarks of a self-aware person Personal examples of high or low
self-awareness in your working life

You recognise how your feelings affect

you, others and your job performance.

You’re aware of your moods as you

experience them.

You have a good grasp of your own

values and goals.

You are honest and candid about your

feelings with regards to work.

You know your own strengths and

weaknesses.

You seek balanced feedback (for

example, in a performance review or
project wash-up).

You know when to ask for help.

You play to your own strengths.

Extended practice to develop your EQ (self-awareness)

Throw a spotlight on your self-awareness by undertaking a thorough evaluation of your

strengths and weaknesses. You can find a
template for completing a SWOT analysis in
“Self-awareness is probably
the everywoman workbook Knowing your the most important thing for
strengths. But if starting with a blank piece
becoming a champion.”
of paper doesn’t inspire you, you can follow
our four steps on the next page instead: Billie Jean King, tennis player

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 22

1. Uncover your natural gifts

Before you learned any skills, through education, training or on the job learning, there
were aspects of work that came naturally to you. It might be your ability to persuade
people of your point of view, write sharp, compelling communications, or some other
element of your job that comes effortlessly to you. These are your natural talents, and
it is through the development of these (rather than learned skills) that can result in
our greatest strengths. To discover yours, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Which elements of your day job come very easily to you, which others may
struggle with?
2. For what elements of your role do you consistently receive the best feedback?
3. Which tasks leave you feeling energised and spurred on?

2. Examine the evidence

Study your list of natural talents. Take a moment to honour them – since they come
easily you might find yourself dismissing them as meaningless, but consider how others
who lack such talents would benefit from them. Bolster this self-belief by recording the
evidence for each of your talents. How would you convince a decision maker of your
natural gifts based on past behaviour?

3. Own your weaknesses

Do you ever find yourself overcompensating for your weaknesses, tying yourself up
in knots trying to excel at the things you dread, stress over, and which deplete your
energy? Your weaknesses, by their very nature, cannot be turned into strengths. The
best you can do is improve on them just enough to neutralise their negative effects.
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Which tasks drain or disorientate you?
2. For which tasks do you consistently elicit poorer feedback?

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 23

4. Frame your strengths and weaknesses in an emotional context

Pick out two strengths and two weaknesses you’ve identified from the earlier exercises
and examine them on an emotional level. How do you feel about your natural talents
and the areas where you lag behind? Try to be as descriptive as possible when
analysing your feelings in relation to each point.

More ways to extend your self-awareness practice

Learn about mindfulness, the act of being in the present moment and
noticing what’s going on, in and around you. The everywomanNetwork has
a diagnostic tool which can help you measure your own ability to ‘be in
the moment’ and provides hints and tips for developing your own
mindfulness practice.

Keep an emotions journal. You don’t have to pour your heart out if you
don’t want to; start by recording key events from the day, noting how you
felt internally and reacted externally in response.

Motivation, extended practice, feedback in summary: Think about why

developing self-awareness is important for you specifically. Look back over
your examples. How will your career benefit from moving some of those
low self-awareness examples to the high standard? How might past events
have played out differently? How will you practice self-awareness on an on-going basis?
As you embark on a journey of self-awareness, who within your network can you check
in with regularly to examine its impact – your boss, a mentor, a trusted colleague?

Go further: You’ll discover more paths to self-awareness in the

everywomanNetwork workbooks Knowing your strengths and Career planning.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 24

2. SELF-REGULATION
This can be one of the least-understood pillars of emotional intelligence,
because it’s often misconstrued as a need to hide your true emotions or to
behave as though you simply don’t have any. You have biological impulses
that drive your emotions, and to attempt to do away with them is an
impossible task.

A better way to look at self-regulation is to

think about managing your emotions for the
Look back at the quiz in
benefit of yourself and those around you –
the previous section and
rather than anger, fear or anxiety controlling
your scores (out of 25) for
you. “Like an on-going inner conversation,”
questions 2, 7, 12, 17 and 22,
wrote Daniel Goleman, “[self regulation] is the
component of emotional intelligence that frees which relate specifically to
us from being prisoners of our feelings.” The self-regulation. Pay particular
more adept self-regulators will have learned attention to the strategies for
not only to manage more difficult or negative improving your self-regulation
emotions, but also to channel them into a if you scored low in this area.
positive outcome.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 25

 Hallmarks of High self-regulation Low self-regulation
self-regulation example example

You can control You are aware that you are feeling You engage in kneejerk
your emotions. angry about someone’s behaviour, behaviours to common emotions
but you can maintain calm enough (shouting at a colleague with
to find a solution for dealing with whom you’re angry or allowing
the problem. fear to overwhelm you to the
point of inaction).
You instil calm in Your ability to maintain a cool Your tendency to fly off the handle
those around you. head, even when you’re stressed, or let your negative emotions
anxious or full of rage, impacts control your rather than the other
on your co-workers and team way around is mirrored by those
members, who follow in your suit. around you, particularly juniors.
You are adaptable During a particularly stressful You view massive change as a
and agreeable period, you typically weather disruption and find it difficult to
in the face of curveballs better than those see the wood for the trees in a
change. around you. volatile or uncertain situation.
You lead the While colleagues grumble about You find it difficult to see the
way in uncertain the implementation of a new long-term benefits of short-term
times. technical system, you look at the disruption.
business benefits and what you
can learn from the transition.
You avoid acting You defer from making decisions You can’t resist telling your boss
impulsively. when you know you’re upset what you really think when you’re
or not seeing things clearly, for turned down for a pay rise, even
example when you learn you when you know you’ll probably
didn’t get a pay rise, promotion or regret your words or actions after
some other opportunity. the event. You fire off an angry
email without ‘sleeping on it’.

Over to you: Highlight examples of where you have exercised or failed to

exercise self-regulation. Analyse the events that led up it, the feelings involved,
what you did or didn’t do, and what the outcome was. Can you identify any
patterns in your responses?

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 26

 Hallmarks of self-regulation Personal examples of high or low
self-regulation in your working life

You can control your emotions.

You instil calm in those around you.

You are adaptable and agreeable in the

face of change.

You lead the way in uncertain times.

EXTENDED PRACTICE TO DEVELOP YOUR EQ

(SELF-REGULATION)

They key to managing your emotions is to first understand them, looking at them with
a cool head and from all angles to get to the core of what’s affected you. Think of an
example of a time when you found your emotion managing you and your behaviour,
rather than the other way around, and examine it for evidence as to what was truly
going on.
“Self-regulation has a trickle-
It can be helpful to use a brainstorm
down effect. No one wants to
technique called ‘The Five Whys’
(whereby you question ‘why’ be known as a hothead when
something is the case a minimum of
the boss is known for her
five times until you arrive at the core
of the problem and are best placed to calm approach.”
find a solution.)
Daniel Goleman

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 27

The ‘Five Whys’

Example scenario:
I reacted angrily to a deadline
change imposed by my boss.
Why?

Felt the change was unfair.

Why?
I’d spent a long time building
the plan and it’s all gone to
waste.

Why?
I generally feel that I am
under-resourced and that my
boss doesn’t understand.

Why?
I am an organised person and
dislike handing in work I don’t
feel is ready.

Why?
Better solution:
Show boss original plan,
explain pressures and ask for
help moving forward.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 28

 Example scenario:

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?
Better solution:

You’ll find more examples of techniques like this in the everywomanNetwork workbook
‘Killer Problem Solving’.

We’ll examine some more specific strategies for dealing with particular workplace
emotions in a later section.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 29

More ways to extend your self-regulation practice

Practise calming techniques.

If you regularly experience anger, frustration or other negative
emotions, you must learn to build resilience to their affects. Practise
relaxation or deep breathing exercises, take a walk in the fresh air, drink
some water, place a phone call to a soothing friend or colleague, or spend a few
moments on a website like [Link] where you can be guided through a meditation.
Notice how different you feel after taking active steps to lessen the emotion’s grip
over you.

Tell yourself it’s ‘just anger’.

When you’re feeling angry, you’re perhaps too busy feeling the affects of
raised blood pressure, breathlessness, flushed cheeks and the various
other unpleasant affects of the fight or flight response, to stop and really
acknowledge that you’re in the grip of an emotion; only after the affects have passed
do you stop and replay your angry outburst in your mind. But consciously labelling your
feelings as they play out can drastically limit the affect emotions have over you. Tell
yourself that what you’re feeling is ‘just’ anger, worry, fear or fear and it may well
become less all consuming.

Motivation, extended practice, feedback in summary:

Look back over any examples you’ve noted where negative emotions
have had more of a grip over you than you’d have liked. How can you use
those experiences and their outcomes to motivate you towards
increased self-regulation? How will you practise? Are there scenarios coming up in
the near future in which you are likely to feel a certain way, which you can use as
opportunities to exercise better regulation of your emotions? If you’ve been given
feedback about your reactions and responses, can you share your extended practice
commitment with your boss and ask for feedback along the way?

Go further: You’ll discover more routes to enhanced self-regulation in the

everywomanNetwork workbook Resilience: bouncing back.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 30

3. MOTIVATION

Various motivations spur you on throughout your working life. A good

salary, perks and a nice environment might be considered pretty standard
motivations shared by the vast majority of the working population. But
where emotional intelligence is concerned, motivation refers specifically
to achievement. “Those with leadership potential,” says Daniel Goleman,
“are motivated by a deeply embedded desire to achieve for the sake of
achievement”.
That doesn’t mean that emotionally intelligent leaders don’t suffer bouts of
demotivation, driven by stress, burnout or boredom. You might currently be in a job
you aren’t enjoying or in a role you’ve outgrown, in which case motivation can easily
flat line. But underpinning the values of an emotionally intelligent person will be a
deep desire to make things happen, to grow, to learn and to keep moving forward.
Perhaps this component of EQ is at play in the decision of 19% of UK big ticket lottery
winners to continue in their roles, 31% to take up voluntary work and nearly a quarter
(24%) either start up their own businesses or help others to do so7. Ask yourself what
you’d do in their shoes. Would an industrious craving to create, produce or enable kick
in after the world cruise and the shopping spree?

Review your score out of 25 for questions 3, 8, 13, 18 and 23,

which relate to your motivation to achieve. If the score is on
the low side, consider what might be impacting your desire to
forge ahead and make a plan to counteract their effects..

Note that as one of the principles of EQ, ‘motivation’ refers to

your desire to achieve. It is a separate factor from Goleman’s
mantra for developing EQ; motivation; extended practice;
feedback, so don’t confuse the two.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 31

 Hallmarks of a High motivation Low motivation
motivated individual example example

You constantly seek to If a process isn’t working, Grumbling about failing

improve. you are determined to processes while seeing
find a better way. it as someone else’s
responsibility to fix.

You like to keep score You enjoy concrete Being more comfortable
with yourself. targets, positive reviews in ‘coasting’ mode; fuzzy
and rising numbers as a about results and not
representation of success, especially interested in
and enjoy the thrill of raising the bar.
chasing and regularly
evaluating goals.

You take pride in a job You take pleasure in You are comfortable with
well done, setting your performing to a high ‘average’ and doing the
personal bar high. standard even when the bare minimum to get by.
task is unlikely to earn you
recognition by others.

You have deep reserves of Even when you’re working You prefer the status
energy to draw on. at full capacity, you quo to the challenge of
can dig deep and find change.
the motivation to try
something new or look
at something from a new
perspective, even relishing
the challenge.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 32

 Your passion is noted by Your desire to achieve You are passed over for
others. results in others coming sexier projects where
to you when they want drive and a high standard
something done well, finish are expected.
and may even have an
infectious nature, inspiring
those around you in the
process.

You relish a challenge. You push yourself when You will settle for
setting your objectives objectives that you can
for the year ahead, easily achieve without too
while remaining realistic much of a stretch.
about your strengths and
limitations.

Over to you: Highlight examples of where you have demonstrated self-motivation

or where your behaviour has exemplified a lack of personal motivation. During
less motivated periods, what factors have been at play in your lacklustre
approach?

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 33

 Hallmarks of motivation Personal examples of high or low
motivation in your working life

You constantly seek to improve.

You like to keep score.

You take pride in a job well done,

setting your personal bar high.

You have deep reserves of energy to

draw on.

Your passion is noted by others.

You relish a challenge.

Extended practice to develop your EQ (motivation)

A helpful starting point in determining your values is to consider which of your ‘motivating
factors’ must be fulfilled in order for you to achieve workplace happiness. These normally
fall into two categories: intrinsic and extrinsic.

You intrinsic values are grounded in the skills and preferences you possess which must be
utilised in order for you to be personally satisfied, have fun, feel challenged and excited. If
you’re highly creative, personal satisfaction will likely come in an organisation that makes
use of your innovation or artistic abilities. If you’re highly analytical, your intrinsic value
might be defined by access to business critical data. As a people-centric person you might
value a workplace which emphasises teamwork and interpersonal relationships above
all else; or if you’re an independent thinker, you might value free reign to explore your
options without direction or interference. An extrovert might value a buzzing, chaotic
office environment, over the calm, serene space valued by their introverted colleagues.

Your extrinsic values are those things that motivate you to perform in order to achieve

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 34

external rewards. Those might include additional financial compensation, short or long
term progression opportunities, recognition, status as an expert, respect or flexibility.
If power and status motivates you, you may find most contentment in a hierarchal
organisation where your managerial position is clearly acknowledged. If you are deeply
passionate about your subject, you may appreciate an organisation that recognises
and respects your expertise. Your extrinsic values might change depending on your
circumstances; at various life stages you might find yourself valuing flexible working and
benefits, bonus schemes, health benefits, training courses or opportunities to travel, being
mentored, work shadowing or job share opportunities.

Think about the following:

1. When have you been happiest at work? Identify three periods when you’ve been
content in a role. What was going in your own work, that of those around you
and the organisation as a whole?
2. What are you proudest of? What did you do and what was the outcome? Delve
into the reasons for your pride – was it the result of lasting change you effected,
the higher status it afforded you, the sheer culmination of hard work, the
people you helped, the complexity of the problem you solved, achieving a
‘first’?
3. Look back over the talents and key strengths identified in the self-awareness
section. How do these correspond with your values?

More ways to extend your motivation practice

Make a plan to remember your values. When you’re bored, restless, stressed or
simply going through a phase of low morale for one reason or another, your values can
all too easily take a backseat. Think about how you can bring your values to life for
yourself, even during the toughest of times. It might be as simple as representing them
in a visual way, somewhere where you always have access to them. Or turn creative
and develop them into a morning mantra that will help you keep them at front of mind
when motivation slides.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 35

Understand how what you do now, affects what you achieve later. You can up your
self-motivation significantly when you engage with tasks where there is a tangible link
to future success. Set goals you can achieve within six months, one year, five years,
and then look for ways that today’s activity can move you one step closer to your
objective.

Motivation, extended practice, feedback in summary: Armed with the knowledge of

your personal values and short and long term goals, what aspects of your work life do
you feel inspired to change? Where can you challenge yourself to do better and lead
by example? Share your goals and visions with your boss and mentor and seek their
feedback along the way.

Go further: The everywomanNetwork quiz Define your career values can

help you determine what really matters to you at work. The Career planning
workbook helps turn those values into an action plan for achievement.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 36

4. EMPATHY
In the 1990s, Italian scientists studying a laboratory monkey to understand
how his brain worked as he cracked open a nut, chanced upon a new
discovery. When a researcher entered the lab and absentmindedly picked
at a nut, the same neurons lit up in the brain of the observing monkey as
when the monkey himself engaged in nut-cracking. The researchers thought
the MRI machine may have been malfunctioning, but further investigation
uncovered something of much greater import – that primates and humans
(elephants, mice, dolphins and dogs too) are wired to understand another
creature’s plight. In short, the ability to empathise is in your DNA.

One of the biggest advocates for empathy comes from a surprising source: US President
Barack Obama. In times of economic meltdown, global poverty and the increasing
threat of terrorism, surely the leader of the free world is clutching at straws when he
urges us to simply be a bit nicer to each other?

But empathy isn’t just about feeling sorry for people or giving them the benefit of the
doubt. “It’s an act of imagination,” says the Harvard Business Review, “in which you
try to look at the world from the perspective of another person, a human being whose
history and point of view are as complex as your own.”

Questions 4, 9, 14, 19 and 24 from the quiz in the earlier section

relate to your ability to empathise, based on the Toronto Empathy
Scale devised by researchers. If you’ve a low score out of 25,
spend some time working through our exercise in this section,
repeating it on a regular basis to take a temperature check of
your ability to see the world from another person’s viewpoint.

When Obama won his second term, commentators attributed his success in large part
to his ability to empathise (and by extension his opponent’s inability to do the same).

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 37

“There was plurality of voters (by a margin of 10%) who felt that Barack Obama
understood what they were facing, or to be more exact, that he was ‘in touch’ with
their problems,” wrote one commentator.8

Obama hadn’t just chanced upon what might be his greatest attribute as a leader; his
application of empathy was a conscious and considered move (extended practice, if
you like). “The biggest deficit that we have in our society and in the world right now
is an empathy deficit,” he has said. “We
are in great need of people being able to
stand in somebody else’s shoes and see L’Oreal sales agents
the world through their eyes.”
who are more
Presidential endorsement has given empathic sell on
empathy – sometimes considered a “soft”
skill - a renewed focus. Empathy, business average a $100,000
leaders agree, can have a dramatic affect more than those
on the bottom line of both individuals and
corporations large and small. without empathy.

Waiters who are more empathic get 18%

more in tips. In Empathy Drives Profit the author tells how a Scottish Housing Association
took a more empathic approach to employee relations and was rewarded with 87% staff
engagement rates and, by extension, a rise to 90% in customer satisfaction.9

So are you born with empathy or do you acquire it? “The answer is both,” says Daniel
Goleman. “Scientific inquiry strongly suggests that there is a genetic component to
emotional intelligence. Psychological and developmental research indicates that nurture
plays a role as well. How much of each perhaps will never be known, but research and
practice clearly demonstrate that [empathy] can be learned.”

Studies have also pointed towards empathy being akin to a switch you can control.
Stress hormones have been found to act like blockers10, indicating that when we’re
stressed, we’re less likely to empathise with others. And psychopaths, who it’s long been
theorised are ‘missing’ the empathy chip, are in fact in full possession of it – they
simply have the ability to flick it on and off at will.11

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 38

It might be more useful to think about empathy as a quality which can be nurtured.
You have the tools to become a communicator – a voice box, the ability to put
thoughts into words; but clearly some are better communicators than others, having
nurtured their inherent qualities.

Hallmarks of an High empathy example Low empathy example

empathic individual

Considers others’ feelings Consults others and looks Makes decisions based on
in intelligent decision at the potential outcomes the ‘best’ way forward
making. of situations through the without considering the
eyes of others. human impact.

Communicating in a way A manager making Thinks foremost of own

which makes others feel redundancies feelings of discomfort
understood. demonstrates own when having to deliver
discomfort but delivers bad news.
messages in a way that
indicates compassion for
employees.

Uses active listening. Engages others in the Makes little effort to

conversation and takes understand what might
on board what they say, be occurring on a human
without necessarily being level behind a business
a ‘people pleaser’. issues.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 39

 Is a good reader of Pays close attention not Might make snap
people. just to what is being said, judgements or assume a
but to tone and body negotiation is heading in a
language too, in order to particular direction due to
make wiser decisions for lack of attention paid to
example in a negotiation. non verbals.

Can get inside the heads A good coach or mentor A coach or mentor who
of others. who knows when to push pushes their own agenda
someone forward and without considering the
knows when to back off. needs of their protégé.

Over to you: Reflect on examples of occasions where you have demonstrated

high or low empathy in the workplace. How might you have behaved differently
and how might the outcome have changed if you’d brought more empathic skills
to the situation?

Hallmarks of empathy Personal examples of high or low

empathy in your working life

Considers others’ feelings in intelligent

decision making.

Communicating in a way which makes

others feel understood.

Uses active listening.

Is a good reader of people.

Can get inside the heads of others.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 40

“In an earlier role I had a colleague who made every phone call or
conversation five times longer than necessary on account of his tendency
to repeat himself endlessly, especially frustrating during busy times
and sometimes made me wonder if he thought I was too stupid to get
what he was saying the first time. I realised that keeping him at arm’s
length wasn’t conducive to a good working relationship, I invited him for
coffee and the subject of public speaking came up. He confided that in
his earlier life he’d had a terrible stutter, which manifested itself most
prominently at the start of conversations. His strategy for overcoming it
was simply to keep talking – it ironed out the stutter, so to speak. I was
bowled over, and consciously brought this to the front of my mind every
time I subsequently found myself irritated that the clock was ticking
behind our conversation.”
An everywoman Network member

Extended practice to develop your EQ (empathy)

Think about someone you may have clashed with either in your current or a past
role. Being as objective as you can, try to look at the situation from their point of
view. How might they have felt before, during and after the event. What are their
key drivers, values, strengths and weaknesses that would have been brought to bear
on the situation? Does the exercise give you a fresh perspective on why the clash
happened and how your own behaviour may have been moderated for better affect?

Check in regularly by conducting this exercise for your key stakeholders. It needn’t
necessarily be over a clash. You could run through your checklist in relation to how
your boss feels in your 1-2-1; how a particular colleagues feels in your regular team
meeting; how an individual you sit near is feeling in the run up to a big deadline. If you
find yourself getting stuck due to the lack of information you hold on them, reach out.
Ask questions, listen more, find out what you can learn about them, their values and
their current challenges.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 41

More ways to extend your empathy practice

Listen more: Study the person you’re conversing with, paying attention to
what they say and do, and what their body language is telling you at the
same time. Force yourself to slow down, beware of interrupting, and find
ways to demonstrate that you’re absorbing what the other person has told
you – summarising their points to show you’ve really listened, using mirroring body
language and asking questions to express your interest in what they’re saying.

People watch: You can pick up a myriad of clues about what people are
thinking and feeling by observing them in everyday life – in group
situations, in meetings, while commuting, in a coffee shop. Take time to
wonder about their lives, what challenges they might face, and how they might be
feeling.

Watch your stress levels: Scientists have found that stress is the biggest
threat to empathy – that when you are stressed, you are less likely to
! extend compassion or understanding to another person. Use your self-
awareness and self-regulation to understand how stress impacts you and
how in turn it impacts others, making adjustments accordingly.

Motivation, extended practice, feedback in summary: Examine your

motivation to become a more empathic individual. How will it benefit key
relationships and give you better strategies for dealing with others? Make
time to regularly check in with your key stakeholders, looking for ways
you can dial up your ability to see the world through their eyes. The results may well
be there to see in the quality of your relationships, which can be measured through
360 performance review feedback.

Go further: You can take the full Toronto Empathy Scale quiz on the
everywomanNetwork, and discover more ways to become a better listener in
our workbook Powerful workplace communication.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 42

5. SOCIAL SKILL
“As a component of emotional intelligence, social skill is not as simple as it
sounds. It’s not just a matter of friendliness, although people with high levels
of social skill are rarely mean-spirited. Social skill, rather, is friendliness
with a purpose: moving people in the direction you desire, whether that’s
agreement on a new marketing strategy or enthusiasm about a new product,”
writes Daniel Goleman.
In many ways, social skills are the communication channels through which self-
awareness, self-regulation, motivation and empathy are channelled. Having the self-
awareness to recognise that a key relationship is suffering is meaningless if you do not
have the social skill to begin building bridges. The self-regulation to
keep your anger in check during a dispute needs to be followed up
with the social skills to negotiate and reach a consensus. Motivation to
achieve requires social skills to communicate your passion and bring
others along on the journey with you. And being able to put yourself in another’s
shoes alone is not enough – you must also be able to moderate your communications
accordingly.

You don’t have to be a natural people person or an extrovert to develop strong social
skills.

Hallmarks of a socially- High social skills Low social skills

skilled individual example example

You build wide bonds. You appear at times to not You keep yourself to
be working, because you yourself at work, not
are chatting and getting seeing the value in
to know individuals who reaching out to others
have nothing to do with outside your immediate
your ‘real’ job – you don’t vicinity.
limit your interactions to
key stakeholders, but see
the value of reaching out
across organisations.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 43

 You don’t shy away from You are able to summon You avoid conflict
negative situations. up the courage to enter and become upset at
fierce negotiations, or are confrontation.
skilled at diffusing volatile
situations.

You develop trust and You rely on your key You are standoffish with
rapport. stakeholders and know newcomers and take a
that you are relied upon in long time to ‘warm’ to
return. You seek to quickly people.
establish common ground
with newcomers.

You enjoy organising You don’t necessarily have You see little value in
groups. to be the life and soul of connecting two disparate
the party, but you enjoy individuals in your
being someone who brings network who could benefit
others together. from an introduction.

Over to you: Note examples of where your social skills (or lack thereof) have made a
difference in a working environment.

Hallmarks of a socially-skilled Personal examples of high or low

individual empathy in your working life

You build wide bonds.

You don’t shy away from negative

situations.

You develop trust and rapport.

You enjoy organising groups.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 44

Extended practice to develop your EQ (social skills)

Connectors are the most useful people in your network. They’re the ones who enjoy
making introductions that facilitate growth and change, even when it doesn’t impact
on them personally. Think back over the opportunities that have enabled your growth
and advancement: can you spot the connectors within your network who’ve given you
that leg up?

Becoming a connector yourself can take time and comes with an element of risk –
the relationships you foster must be built on trust before you can legitimately make
connections. So start small.

Think about the individuals in your network who are currently on a journey that you
could give them a boost on. If you get stuck at this first hurdle, you may need to reach
out to members of your network to informally find out what’s going on for them and
how you might be able to help them.

Do you know anyone who it might be interesting for them to talk to? If your network
is small, think about what other resources could make an impact: an article you read
which might give them an idea, news of an event they may wish to attend?

Who What are their short Plan for discovering How can I help?
and long-term goals? more about their
needs.
e.g. To get up to speed Invite them for Invite them to a
Newcomer as quickly as possible coffee and ask lunch I’m having with
into my with the organisational questions about their colleagues from a
team. landscape. background and their different department.
new role. Check in with them
regularly and be
available to answer
questions about how
things are done in your
organisation.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 45

 Who What are their short Plan for discovering How can I help?
and long-term goals? more about their
needs.

More ways to extend your social skills practice

Practise small talk: If you’re an introvert, small talk can be your worst nightmare.
But it doesn’t have to be meaningless chitchat. Dial up your curiosity muscle and ask
questions that will allow people to open up to you. Be prepared to offer something
of yourself too: before a networking event or other situation in which you tend to get
tongue tied, make a mental note of one or two interesting things about yourself that
it would be useful to impart to others, and look for opportunities to bring these to the
conversation.

Notice group dynamics: Use your self-awareness skills to notice how individuals
react when they’re in a group situation. Who takes a back seat and who steps up?
Who speaks up and who is reluctant to participate? Who brings ideas and who is too
quick to judge? Consider the ways in which you can help facilitate discussions better
to enable others to get the best out of themselves. Humility is a big component of
emotional intelligence and stepping back to give others the chance to shine can do
wonders for your relationships.

Take responsibility for your actions. Groups can be hotbeds of raw emotion and to
engage in group dynamics means that inevitably you won’t always get it right. Have
the self-awareness to own your mistakes. Apologise quickly and directly.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 46

Motivation, extended practice, feedback in summary: Consider the ways in which
increased social skills will better enable your fast track to goal achievement: by
generating a wider network? By making others feel good about themselves and
thereby fostering better relationships based on trust? By feeling more at ease in group
situations? Understanding your motivation should in turn increase your willingness to
enter into extended practice. Regularly evaluate the strength of your network and the
quality of your relationships – via your own analysis or 360 feedback.

Go further: Increase your social skills by developing your self-esteem with the
exercises in our Boost your self-confidence workbook; and discover rapport
building strategies in Developing your negotiation skills, An introduction to
building strong networks and Managing upwards with success.

Start seeing how the pillars of emotional intelligence work together

Example 1

Self-awareness to
recognise particular
emotion, e.g. anger

The social skills to Self-regulation to manage

effectively communicate anger, rather than let it
around your emotions. manage you.

Ability to empathise Motivation to continually

with others feeling the improve and challenge
same way, or who are your ability to navigate
impacted by your anger. stressful situations.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 47

Example 2

Self-awareness to know
what matters to you and
your career.

The social skills to bring Self-regulation to

others with you on your make wise rather than
journey to success. impulsive choices in line
with those values.

Ability to understand and Motivation to continually

respect others’ values and push yourself onwards
how they complement or to successful goal
are at odds with your own. completion.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 48

 PART 3
Three common workplace
emotions and how to
manage them

frustration

anger

worry

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 49

THREE COMMON WORKPLACE EMOTIONS
AND HOW TO MANAGE THEM
Happiness, satisfaction, joy, enthusiasm, cheerfulness, optimism, pleasure,
amusement, excitement and pride. A seminal 1970s research paper into
workplace moods presented this joyful roster as containing the most
frequently experienced office emotions.12

Such emotions evoke the very best of

“Negative emotions like
office times - when the quality of your
loneliness, envy, and guilt rewards and relationships peak and you’re
motivated and energised to forge ahead
have an important role
with your career. But work, like life, has a
to play in a happy life; way of throwing curveballs to which your
emotive responses will doubtless be less
they’re big, flashing signs
than sunny – but though they may be less
that something needs to pleasurable, they may offer just as much
long-term opportunity.
change.”
Gretchen Ruben. US Author Contrary to the popular stereotype of
women being more emotionally driven, it
was the male participants of the study who experienced the most diverse and intense
range of both positive and negative emotions (men more frequently experienced hate,
jealousy, passion, ecstasy, desire, lust, bitterness, adoration, thrill, remorse, rejection,
melancholy, shock, infatuation, arousal, attraction, ferocity, alarm, neglect, contempt
and vengefulness at work). Female case studies meanwhile reported more frequently
experiencing a much more concise gamut of emotions: anxiety, hurt, enjoyment,
satisfaction, cheerfulness, exasperation, and liking.

Gender aside, the study concluded that the three most commonly experienced
negative emotions are those that everyone can identify with: frustration, worry and
anger. But whereas in your personal life your strategy for dealing with these common
moods might be to isolate yourself, tear up, or share your feelings with your significant
others, navigating such feelings in the workplace obviously requires an entirely
different set of coping mechanisms.

Keep a mood log at work, recording your emotions and how they fluctuate in response
to external and internal factors. Understanding is the key to better management.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 50

FRUSTRATION
Like low level stress, frustration in its mildest form can be a great motivator:
frustration with a laborious system can be the catalyst for inspiring a simplification of
the process; an employee feeling frustrated with a lack of career progression might
channel this energy into revamping their career plan with a focus on personal growth.

But when frustration (defined by the Yale Group as a “condition which exists when a
goal-response suffers interference”) is left unmanaged, it can lead to altogether more
harmful effects – anger and aggression.
And such behaviour can often be displaced
– targeted away from the source of the “All that is necessary
problem towards an innocent bystander to break the spell of
(if you’ve ever had a terse exchange with
a colleague only to go home and snap frustration is this: Act as if it
at your partner you’ll know all about were impossible to fail. That
‘the frustration-aggression hypothesis’
which psychologists use to define the
is the talisman, the formula,
scapegoating behaviour which can define the command of right about
the frustrated employee.
face which turns us from
Step one to tackling frustration is to get failure to success.”
to the root of the feeling. Is it simply
Dorothea Brande, US Author
the fact that your boss sets unrealistic
deadlines? Or is the primary source of
your frustration a general feeling of lack
of support from your superiors? Consider whether the source of your frustration is
external (based on the behaviour or circumstance of someone or something else) or
internal (stirred up by your own needs and desires).

Step two is to find a way, however small, which allows you to frame the source of your
frustration as an opportunity. Participants’ lack of contribution in your team meetings
can be the catalyst for a shake up of the format. Missing out on a sought-after stretch
assignment could open the door for a frank feedback session with the boss about your
career direction.

If your frustration isn’t quite so easy to shrug off, pause to take a moment to consider

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 51

past episodes of frustration. A key factor in emotional intelligence is being able to
identify when external factors are outside of your control and having the strength
of mind to accept what you cannot influence. Reminding yourself of events that
caused past frustration now lost to time can enable clearer rationalisation of current
frustrations.

Main sources of What are the Strategies for changing

frustration in current driving factors in my my thinking. Where is
workplace frustration? the opportunity?

e.g. Colleague with a total My own sense of Offer to put the finishing
lack of attention to detail. perfectionism. touches to their product
for a share in the
recognition of the work.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 52

WORRY
Felt in moderation, worry can ensure you take relevant precautions and avoid risky
behaviours. But prolonged or “toxic” worry, says psychiatrist and author of Worry
Dr Edward Hallowell, can lead to anxiety, mental and physical stress, and workplace
paralysis.

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow.

It empties today of its strength.”
Corrie ten Boom, Dutch Writer

Helpfully, Hallowell’s dissection of this common workplace woe comes with a five-point
guide to navigating your deepest worries.

1. Worry out loud.

Sharing your worries with a trusted colleague or loved one is much more likely to
galvanise a solution mentality than mulling over a problem in isolation.
2. Focus on facts and evidence.
Worry is often the result of misleading or absent information. Putting your feelings
to one side, note down all that you know about a situation. Can you reframe your
feelings based on this knowledge?
3. Stay active.
Formulate a plan and take action. Even if it’s not the right plan, the only way you’ll
discover that is by following it. Doing nothing won’t change a thing.
4. Be kind to your body and mind.
Sleep well, eat well, meditate and reach out to individuals who you know from
experience can provide levels of comfort.
5. Let it go.
Easier said than done, but with steps one through four under your belt, you may
find it easier to simply kiss your worries goodbye.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 53

 My biggest source of worry currently is…

The best person I can share my concerns

with is…

The facts and evidence to support my

worry are…

My plan of action is…

I will soothe myself by…

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 54

ANGER
Increased heart rate and blood pressure, rocketing adrenaline levels,
raised voices and aggressive body language: no wonder anger – the
most intense workplace emotion on our list – is the easiest to spot and !
arguably the most difficult to control. Take your anger-management
skills up a notch with these tips.

Find your happy place.

If you’re literally burning with rage, cooling your body down with deep breathing
exercises is the first way to reclaim your equilibrium. Temporarily take yourself as far
away as possible from the source of the anger. Whether that means a short trip to an
empty meeting room to check your phone, or a brisk walk around the block, sit it out
until you’re close enough to your usual self that you can function professionally.

“I realised that if my thoughts immediately affect my

body, I should be careful about what I think. Now if I get
angry, I ask myself why I feel that way. If I can find the
source of my anger, I can turn that negative energy into
something positive.”
Yoko Ono, Japanese Artist

Focus on soothing yourself before responding.

Your immediate reaction might be to throw something or shout at someone. But the
rational side of you knows that such behaviour is unlikely to help. The first white hot
stage of anger is rarely conducive to resolution, so, advises the American Psychological
Association, “instead of telling yourself, ‘oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s
ruined,’ tell yourself, ‘it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it,
but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”

Write it out.
Step away from your inbox and write out long-hand how you feel about the situation,
detailing exactly what’s sparked such an intensity of emotion until you begin to notice

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 55

your scribble pace reduce and your calm restore. Shred your notes, only
giving in to the temptation to respond to the situation once you’ve slept
on it and are confident that your message isn’t going to add fuel to the
fire (eliciting the advice of a trusted colleague if you need a second
opinion).

See yellow (or turquoise).

Colour psychologists say that when we’re angry, you really do see red – often literally
in the flush of heat across your cheeks or chests.13 Practiced meditators can benefit
from visualising – alongside their deep breathing exercises – a calming colour to help
restore a rational mind-set: try thinking of colours like pale yellow, white, pale blue
and pink. Simply close your eyes and allow your mind’s eye to become absorbed by
your preferred palette.

Go further: Work through the everywomanNetwork workbooks Visualising for

career success: a beginner’s guide and 60 minutes to wellbeing to learn coping
mechanisms and techniques for better dealing with stress and other
negative emotions.

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 56

YOUR PERSONAL ACTION PLAN

1. Summarise your personal results and findings from this workbook. Which areas
of emotional intelligence are your strongest; where are you weakest, and what
have you learned about yourself as a result?

2. How will improving your self-awareness impact your career? How will you
implement this skill? And how will you seek feedback?

3. How will improving your self-regulation impact your career? How will you
implement this skill? And how will you seek feedback?

4. How will improving your motivation to achieve impact your career? How will
you implement this skill? And how will you seek feedback?

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 57

 5. How will improving your empathy impact your career? How will you implement
this skill? And how will you seek feedback?

6. How will improving your social skills impact your career? How will you
implement this skill? And how will you seek feedback?

7. Consider the tools and resources you can draw on to help your extended
practice, e.g. a mentor, journal keeping, repeat taking of exercises/quizzes in
this workbook.

8. Which of the three most common workplace emotions would it benefit you
to better manage? Which strategies will you employ to do so and how will you
measure their effectiveness?

9. Paying it forward: which of your learnings from this workbook can you commit
to passing on to others who may benefit from working on their own emotional
intelligence. Can you work on your extended practice together with a trusted
colleague with whom you can swap feedback?

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 58

EVERYWOMAN EXPERTS
Everywoman creates workbooks on topics that matter most to our network
members. we draw on member surveys and the latest thinking from the
academic and business worlds, as well our own experiences as we navigate
our careers. Each workbook offers practical advice, enabling tangible actions
for your daily work lives ahead of those important performance reviews.

Maxine Benson MBE & Karen Gill MBE

Co-founders of everywoman, Karen and Max
have spoken to thousands of women about the
challenges they face at work. Through their own
journeys at work and their experiences of starting a
business, they uncovered a real need for a network
where female entrepreneurs and businesswomen
could interact and share experiences. The
everywomanNetwork, launched in 2011, serves as a
truly global tool to enable members the world over to
propel their careers through online membership.

everywoman workbook team

Rebecca Lewis, Associate Editor
Mel Spencer, Managing Editor
Kate Farrow, Senior Client Manager
Donna Robertson, Proposition Director

Acknowledgements
Special thanks to Deanna Oppenheimer (former Head of Barclays UK and founder of
CameoWorks) for sharing her experiences of emotional intelligence in the workplace.

Any topics you’d like to see covered on the everywomanNetwork?

We’d love to hear from you: contact@[Link]

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 59

FURTHER READING
Books
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman (Bantam
Books: 1995)

Online resources
What Makes A Leader by Daniel Goleman (Harvard Business Review: 2004)
Playlist of TED Talks on human nature, including discussions of empathy and
compassion.
Daniel Goleman’s blog
Consortium For Research On Emotional Intelligence In Organisations

ENDNOTES
1. A Dictionary of Psychology by Andrew Coleman (Oxford University Press: 2008).
2. [Link]/2004/01/leading-by-feel
3. CareerBuilder
4. [Link]/case/leadership-and-emotional-intelligence/
5. [Link]/sei/media/WP_EQ_and_Age.pdf
6. [Link]/2013/05/can-you-really-improve-your-em
7. Camelot & Oxford Economics: 2012
8. [Link]/yashar-hedayat/why-mitt-romney-lost-empa_b_2095591.html
9. [Link]/resources/ideas/“empathy-drives-profit”-–-why-taking-time-care-pays
10. [Link]/news/health-30831145
11. [Link]/news/science-environment-23431793
12. [Link]/cgi/[Link]?article=1066&context=discussion_papers
13. [Link]/content/2/3/311?patientinform-links=yes&legid=spspp;2/3/311

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 60

advancing WOMEN IN BUSINESS

[Link] Developing your emotional intelligence 61