FILMMAKING

A poorly filmed film about bad films.

Written by

Dylan Humphrey
INT. IT'S A SMALL LOBBY SPACE WITH A FEW CHAIRS AND A COFFEE
TABLE IN THE CENTER, THIS WILL BE THE PLACE OF INTERVIEW FOR
UPCOMING DIRECTORS.

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE TWO IN CHAIRS FROM PROFILE VIEW,

CUT TO HEAD ON SHOTS OF EACH CHAIR, DYLAN'S CHAIR IS EMPTY,
CUT TO MR. VIEWER.

MR. VIEWER
NEXT!!

Dylan walks into frame and sits in chair, they shake hands.

MR. VIEWER
(chewing gum) +
Hey kid, welcome to the interview.
My name is Inter Viewer but most
people in the biz call me Mr.
Viewer.

DYLAN
(mumbling)
seems a bit on the nose bu
(stops mumbling)
Hi! I'm Dylan!

MR. VIEWER looks down at the paper in front of him.

MR. VIEWER
So it says here you're an aspiring
filmmaker with a quite a number of
short films under your belt. Could
you tell me a bit more about those?

DYLAN
(clears throat and starts
to stutter a bit)
Well... um, you see... they're um-
they're good.

MR. VIEWER
That's it? Well okay I guess. Welp,
I'm gonna ask you some questions
about different areas of film and
your skill level in each to scope
out any strong suits of yours. Does
that sound alright?

DYLAN
Um, yeah, yeah sure.
 2.

MR. VIEWER
Great. Well, to start... are you
any good at writing?

DYLAN
Welllll...

INT. DYLAN'S ROOM, HE'S AT HIS COMPUTER IN HIS CHAIR WITH A

FRIEND SITTING NEXT TO HIM.

SHOT SHOULD PAN DOWN BELOW THE DESK OF THE INTERVIEW AND
START AT THE CEILING OF DYLAN'S ROOM PANNING DOWN TO THE
BACK OF THE TWO FRIENDS IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER.

CUT TO QUARTERED SHOTS OF EACH FRIEND, CUT BETWEEN THE SHOTS

FOR DIALOUGE.

Dylan is yacking away at the keyboard until he abruptly

stops.

DYLAN
So what do we think?

TEIA
Wait so lemme get this straight?
The whole time Billy Bick
Bucklesteen, great name by the way,
was dreaming about a 2 hour
adventure that he also thought was
a dream where he went to the future
to stop something that was going to
happen anyway if he had just ..
Waited? And the thing they were
stopping was World War 48!? How
many world wars do you think we are
going to have!? By world war 5 we
are probably gonna be wiped out by
bombs! And why is Leia Nightrunner
the main love interest of Billy for
the whole film if she just ends up
being his fucking sister the whole
damn time!?

DYLAN
Well you see... um... it works
becauseee... no one expects it?

TEIA
Screw this, I'm out. Good luck on
your film M. Night.

TEIA slams the room door.

 3.

THE CAMERA SHOULD FOLLOW THE DOOR CLOSLEY FOR A COOL

TRANSITION SHOT BACK TO THE INTERVIEW.

MR. VIEWER
Okay well... it sounds like there
could definitely be some...
improvement. How about dialogue?
ANy good at writing that?

DYLAN
Ummmmmmm-

TRANSITION SHOT, CAMERA IS LOOKING AT DYLAN, SWIPES RIGHT

INTO A SHOT OF THE WOMEN IN THE NEXT SCENE

INT. IN FRONT OF A GREEN SCREEN, PORTRAYS SPACE

QUARTERED SHOTS OF EACH CHARACTER, CUT INBETWEEN

ANICCA
I love you.

DERREK
No, I love you.

ANICCA
No, I love you more.

DERREK
Me too.
(awkward silence)
I don't like sand.

DERREK pulls out a handful of sand, starts slowly dropping

it in front of her.

CAMERA PANS DOWN FOLLOWING SAND, TRANSITION SHOT ON TO MR.

VIEWER.

MR. VIEWER stares above the camera and blinks a lot.

MR. VIEWER
Alright, well what about acting?
You any good at that?

DYLAN
(stares)
... Stares
(stares harder)
 4.

REMY
What? Dylan you're not supposed to
read-

INT. GREEN SCREEN, DESTROYED CITY, GODZILLA ROAMS

STARTS DIRECTLY POINTED AT BALD HEAD, PANS DOWN TO CLOSE-UP

ON DON TOURRETTES.

WOMAN
(sobbing)
How could you!? You monster!!!

DON TOURRETTES
(speaks grumpily and
rasply)
I had to do it for family.

WOMAN
What the hell does family have to
do with this!?? You sicko!!

DON TOURRETTES
family.

WOMAN
How did you know you would survive
the car fight against Godzilla!?

DON TOURRETTES
I got family.

WOMAN cries louder.

SHOT OF WOMAN'S FACE FROM BELOW AS SHE SOBS DOWNARD,

TRANSITION TO MR VIEWER READING HIS PAPERS ON HIS LAP, FACE
LOOKED AT FROM BELOW, CUT TO POV SHOT LOOKING DOWN AT PAPER,
GOES UP WITH APPER, PAPER GETS ORGANIZED AS MR VIEWER ASKS
THE NEXT QUESTION.

MR. VIEWER
Well what about comedic timing or
just comedy in general?

DYLAN
Oh! I'm good at that!

DYLAN puts his finger up.

 5.

SHOT ZOOMS IN ON FINGER, CUT TO FINGER IN SHORT FILM.

INT. GREEN SCREEN, ON BOAT IN OCEAN

BRAD (DYLAN)
We sure did kill that wwwhale.

CHAD
You could say we had a...

ZOOM IN QUICKLY ON CHAD'S FACE.

CHAD
... whale of a time.

BRAD
Orrrr ca, you could say we had a
killer... whale... time.

Characters stare awkwardly at each other.

SHOT SLOW ZOOMS ON EACH

BRAD
What did the cow say to the ground?

CHAD
...

ZOOM ON IN ON BRAD'S FACE, HE NOW HAS SUNGLASSES ON

Brad takes off his sunglasses dramatically

BRAD
bEeF lEGs

TRANSITIONS TO DYLAN'S FACE IN INTERVIEW, CUT TO VIEWER

MR. VIEWER
So um... alright what about
cinematography ey? You any good at
manning the cameras?

CAMERA TIPS OVER

DYLAN
Yep, definitely, absolutely, 100%
totall-
 6.

INT. GREEN SCREEN, EXPLOSIONS BEHIND.

HEAD ON SHOT OF ACTION HERO WALKING IN PLACE, CAMERA FALLS

FORWARD, POINTING AT MANS SHOES

JAMBO
Hey! Eyes up here buddy!

CAMERA POINTS UP AT FACE

DYLAN
(squeals)
Sorry!

INTERVIEW

LOOKING AT MR VIEWERS FACE FROM BELOW AGAIN, THIS TIME IT

FOLLOWS HEAD WHEN HE TURNS HEAD UPWARD, CUTS TO PROFILE SHOT
OF TABLE.

MR. VIEWER
Editing!! Editing! Surely you're
good at editing right?

DYLAN
Actually...

EXT. GREEN SCREEN, MY BACKYARD, SAD MUSIC PLAYS

QUARTERED SHOTS BETWEEN CHARACTERS

JERALD
I really didn't think I would have
to do that.

TAISIE
Yeah well... it was worth it
because you saved our most
important asset, our son.

JERALD begins to say something but the sad music gets much
louder. When it cuts back to TAISIE there are Spanish
subtitles and Spanish dub. The background B-Roll footage
gets interrupted as the camera falls and the camera then
points directly at Dylan who proceeds to clean the lens with
his shirt.
 7.

PAN DOWN TRANSITION

INT. DYLAN'S ROOM, JUST HIM, DARK, AND HIS COMPUTER

DYLAN stares at computer screen as music and Spanish can be

heard, his hands drip down his face as he groans.

INT. INTERVIEW

MR. VIEWER
OK then... what about props?
Costuming? Anything with those?

DYLAN
Well this one time...

DYLAN'S ROOM, SET, GREEN SCREEN, DIRECTORS CHAIR.

ZOOM IN TO FACE, ZOOM OUT IN NEW SETTING

A friend walks up to DYLAN with a really realistic prop,

perferbally a sword.

CADE
Wow this is a really realistic
prop! I love it!

DYLAN
Oh thanks, yeah spent quite a bit
on it.

DYLAN politely gives the sword to JOSH.

DYLAN
Here you'll need it for the next
scene.

JAMES walks in with a bad costume and kitchen knife and

shield.

JAMES
Alright I'm ready boss!

DYLAN
Great! Let's get rolling.

CLOSE UP ON CADE

CADE has a confused and concerned face.

CADE
Don't you think-
 8.

DYLAN
SHSHHSHH we're about to start!...
Action!

JOSH and JAMES run at each other yelling with swords.

INT. INTERVIEW

WIDE PROFILE SHOT OF THE TABLE

MR. VIEWER
Alright, it's time to ask the big
one. Are you good at directing.

DYLAN stares at him with terror in his eyes.

TRANSITION SHOT OF DYLAN'S FACE AGAIN

INT. DYLAN'S ROOM, SET, GREEN SCREEN, DIRECTORS CHAIR.

Two friends stand in front of the green screen practicing

lines as DYLAN adjusts the camera.

DYLAN
Alrighty, I think we are ready to
film. So for this scene I want some
comedy and since I'm horrible at
writing dialogue you're gonna do
some improv okay? Also if you start
to fumble or struggle or something
you can always default to the
classic cow joke. We don't have
muich time so we gotta do this
quick guys.

JAMES
There's no deadline this isn't a
real fil-

DYLAN
So think of some funny stuff to say
guys come on. Anddddd... Action!

JAMES
Guess we really did BEET that guy
to death.
(holds up an apple or
carrot)

CADE
(chuckles awkwardly)
Yeah I guess we did do that...
 9.

CADE looks over to DYLAN who is holding a big sign that says
"COW JOKE"

CADE
What do you call a cow that-

CADE's mouth suddenly gets covered with a black bar and loud
music plays with Spanish dub and subtitles.

PULL OUT OF COMPUTER SCREEN OF FOOTAGE.

DYLAN
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

DYLAN goes to punch the computer screen before we cut away

back to the set.

DYLAN
THAT'S NOT HOW THE COW JOKE GOES
CADE!

JAMES
Actually I'm pretty sure-

DYLAN
(groans)
Ugh, I'll fix it in post.

INT. INTERVIEW

MR. VIEWER
(stares and blinks a lot)

DYLAN
By the way how are you seeing all
these visions in my-

MR. VIEWER
Okay so I'm gonna start listing
different genres and you're gonna
tell me if you're good at it or
not. So, for starters, Drama?

DYLAN
You didn't answer my que-

CAMERA LOOKS DOWN AT DYLAN FROMA BOVE, TRAINSTION SHOT TO

DYLAN CRYING ON HIS KNEES, SLOW ORBIT PAN DOWN.
 10.

WOHN JICK (DYLAN)

WHO WOULD DO THIS TO MY POOR
PUPPY!?!?!

WOHN begins to cry in slow motion, camera goes gray-scale,

sad music plays.

ABRUTLY CUT TO CLOSE UP OF FACE

WOHN JICK
Time to go kill hundreds of people.
(cocks gun)

INT. INTERVIEW

MR. VIEWER
Action?

DYLAN
Oh yes.

Action scene of two fighting.

CAMERA SHOULD SHAKE TREMENDOUSLY AND CUT BETWEEN TWO CAMERAS

EVERY SECOND.

INT. INTERVIEW

MR. VIEWER
Romance?

INT. SAME I DON’T LIKE SAND SCENE FROM BEFORE.

INT. INTERVIEW

DYLAN
Nope.

MR. VIEWER
Ummmm how about mystery?

INT. GREEN SCREEN, OLD TIMEY HOUSE LIVING ROOM

WALLETSON
So who do we think it is Sherglock?

SHERGLOCK (A GUN)
I think it's you Walletson!
 11.

WALLETSON (A WALLET)
(gasp)

INT. INTERVIEW

MR. VIEWER
Sci-Fi?

INT. EMPTY WALLET

INT. INTERVIEW

DYLAN
Really?

MR. VIEWER
Uh sorry, how about Comedy? Wait no
never mind, horror?

DYLAN
Ummmmm-

INT. DARK HOUSE, WOMAN WALKS AROUND

COOL FLASHLIGHT SHOT THEY DO IN MOVIES SOMETIMES

A monster attacks. She screams and drops her flashlight.

COOL SLOW MO SHOT FO FALLING FLASHLIGHT.

WOMAN
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh... wait
why is it a dog?

WIDE SHOT FO SET, LIGHTS GO UP TO REVEAL SOMEONE HOLDING UP

A SMALL DOG WITHA HOODIE ON

DYLAN
Don't worry I'll fix it in post.

INT. DYLAN'S ROOM, JUST HIM, DARK, AND HIS LAPTOP

DYLAN is seen staring a laptop, Spanish can be heard, Dylan

grabs the computer and goes to slam his knee into, cut away
to interview.

INT. INTERVIEW
 12.

MR. VIEWER
Okay Dylan, you have so many short
films on your tool belt, you mus
thave some sort of motivator to
make all these?

DYLAN
Haha yeahhh...

SHOT OF DYLANS FACE ASLEEP, CUT TO PHOEN ON BELLY VIBRATING

DYLAN wakes up to alarm, phone says "fix Spanish problem

lazy ass" DYLAN throws the phone, grabs a remote and plays
the real I don’t like sand scene.

CLOSEUP ON DYLAN'S FACE

DYLAN
Masterpiece...

INT. INTERVIEW

MR. VIEWER
I've noticed you keep running into
this Spanish issue? Did you end up
fixing that?

DYLAN
Yep! All by myself!

INT. DYLAN'S ROOM, JUST HIM AND HIS COMPUTER AND TODD

TODD
You just click that, and then that,
then that and then English.

DYLAN
OOOOooooooohhhhhh, that makes
sense. Thanks.

TODD
That'll be 600 dollars.

DYLAN
Here.

DYLAN hands TODD a target gift card.

INT. INTERVIEW
 13.

MR. VIEWER
Okay, you're clearly not that good
at this, but there must be
SOMETHING that makes your films
unique right? Right!?

DYLAN
Well I guess I can get kinda meta
sometimes...

MR. VIEWER
Okay, well being meta isn't really
unique anymore but continue.

DYLAN
Well for example this interview
right now is a film.

MR. VIEWER
Oh that's cool later you're gonna
make this interview into a film!
How interesting!

DYLAN
No, I mean this is a film right
now. We are being filmed.

MR. VIEWER
(clears his throat and
chuckles nervously)
Haha, that's funny, maybe you are
good at comedy after all.

DYLAN
I'm dead serious.

MR. VIEWER
Well, I don't see any cameras right
now so.

DYLAN
That's what they all say at first.

Mr. Viewer starts to look like he's about pass out.

DYLAN +
Hey Remy you okay? I was liking +
your improv dialogue but maybe +
stick to the script next time ey? +
Remeber the line is "How +
intreseting, but let's move on." +

MR. VIEWER +
wHOs REmYyYyyyY???? +
 14.

Mr. Viewer passes out, falls to the floor. +

CAMERA FOLLOWS HIS FACE AS HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR, CAMERA +

DOESNT CUT UNTIL HE CLOSES HIS EYES. +

MR. VIEWER +
How interesting, but let's move on. +

DYLAN +
Oh okay. +

MR. VIEWER +
(touching his ear) +
I think we found the perfect guy. +

DYLAN +
What? +

DYLAN gets knocked out from behind. He wakes up in the pitch +

dark we are in his pov. A flashlight turns on slightly to +
the left of us. It then cuts in front of DYLAN's illuminated +
face. +

YAKOV +
Ah, you're finally awake. +

DYLAN +
What is this, a Skyrim reference? +
Also where am I? +

YAKOV +
Don't worry, you're exactly where +
we want you to be. Listen, we need +
you to direct a new video game +
movie. +

DYLAN +
What? Why me!? +

YAKOV +
Because you're the perfect person +
for it!, You're absolute garbage at +
making films and you would never do +
any of the fans of the original +
games any justice whatsoever. +

DYLAN +
Ouch...um so can we turn on the +
lights please? +

YAKOV +
Oh yeah sure dude. +
 15.

DYLAN +
Why are we in a bathroom? +

YAKOV +
It was easiest to hide you here, oh +
and that's Pablo. +

He points to the big man who's face is completely covered. +

YAKOV +
And I'm Yakov. +

DYLAN +
Um okay... hi Yakov, but why go +
through all this trouble just to +
ask me if I wanted to direct a +
shitty video game movie? +

YAKOV +
Well the big man upstairs thought +
it best this way. +

DYLAN +
And who is that? +

A man walks in menacingly, he uses my bathroom slider door +

but it wont budge and has to awkwardly squeeze through the +
tiny gap. He looks exactly like Mr. Viewer. +

DYLAN +
(hand on his cheeks, +
sarcastically) +
Mr. Viewer!?!?!? +

MR. WOOD +
No, I am his twin brother, +
Hollister Wood. But in the biz they +
call me Mr. Wood. +

DYLAN +
Wait that's kind of on the nose +
don't you think? +

INT. INTERVIEW +

MR. VIEWER +
Haha yeah that is a bit on the no- +

MR. VIEWER begins choking on his gum, DYLAN gets up quickly +

and saves him. +
 16.

MR. VIEWER +
(still anxious) +
Wow, thanks so much, um... ill see +
you, i need to use the bathroom +
quickly. +

DYLAN +
Oh okay. +

MR. VIEWER frantically speed-walks away, DYLAN sits on his +

chair, pulls out phone, clash of clans music plays. We cut +
ot MR. VIEWER in the bathroom holding his ear still. +

MR. VIEWER +
Hollister he's on to us. +

MR. WOOD +
Uhhh, oh I have an idea, tell him +
he's hired for an unpaid internship +
for a video game movie but then +
we'll kill the director and make +
him the new one. It's genius! +

MR. VIEWER +
If you're sure that'll work. +

MR. VIEWER walks back out, lets out his hand for DYLAN, +
DYLAN take sit. +

MR. VIEWER +
Congratulations! You're hired! +

DYLAN +
Awesome! You won't believe how +
qualified for this job I am! Wait a +
minute, remind me again what I am +
being hired for? +

MR. VIEWER +
Oh you're gonna be an unpaid intern +
for a new video game movie. +

DYLAN +
oh... +

THE END. +
17.