THE GREEN ROOM

Music and Lyrics by

Chuck Pelletier

Book by
Rod Damer and
C. Stephen Foster

"The future stands before us like a child,

screaming out to know our plans,
and we are unsure of our chances,
overwhelmed by his demands."
"A bright, beaming cherub of a fledgling musical.
Composer-lyricist Chuck Pelletier's skillfully crafted score
is a satisfying range of musical styles.” Los Angeles Times

"The Green Room’s small cast and simple set requirements

make it a perfect choice for regional and community
theaters." StageSceneLA

"If you’ve ever been an actor, wanted to be an actor or

known an actor, you’ll relate to the Broadway-hopeful
dreams of these characters in their home away from home–
the green room. "Musicals in LA

"Critics Pick! Boasts a uniquely appealing musical score by

Chuck Pelletier and a fast-paced, optimistic story about
collegiate youth.” Broadway World

"The production of the musical at California Stage is a

surprisingly sweet (and sometimes bawdy) tale of ambition
and talent." Sacramento Bee

"This little musical will no doubt become a favorite among

the musical theater community, if for no reason other than
how well it mirrors the experience of so many young
actors.” Sacramento News & Review
THE GREEN ROOM
Copyright © 2006 by Chuck Pelletier, Rod Damer and C. Stephen Foster. All Rights Reserved.

All performances and public readings of THE GREEN ROOM are subject to royalties. It is fully
protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, of all countries covered by the
International Copyright Union, of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention
and the Universal Copyright Convention, and all countries with which the United States has
reciprocal copyright relations. All rights are strictly reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by
any means, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the
prior written permission of the author. Publication of this play does not necessarily imply that it is
available for performance by amateurs or professionals. It is strongly recommended all interested
parties apply to Green Room Productions for performance rights before starting rehearsals or
advertising.

No changes shall be made in the play for the purpose of your production without prior written
consent. All billing stipulations in your license agreement must be strictly adhered to. No person,
firm or entity may receive credit larger or more prominent than that accorded the Author.

For all stage performance inquiries, please contact:

[email protected]
 MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT I

1 IN THE GREEN ROOM

2 WE’VE GOT STYLE
3 BACHELOR’S ANTHEM
4 WHAT DO I THINK OF ME?
5 NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS
6 NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS REPRISE
7 DON’T TRY TO PART THE WATER
8 I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU
9 THE ALL-YOU-WANNA-DO-IS-DO-ME BLUES
10 IN THE END

ACT II

11 DESTINATION STAGE LEFT

12 IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
13 GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS
14 IT COMES EASY
15 I WANNA GO TO EXTREMES
16 WAITING IN THE WINGS
 THE GREEN ROOM

Character Breakdown:

ANNA KEARNS— (18-25 age range. Soprano) Anna is an extremely

beautiful, youthful, up-tight goody-goody acting major. She loves structure
and always gets cast as the lead in all the productions. She is obsessed
with shaping John Radford up and making him husband material. She
sings the show-stopping “I Wanna Go To Extremes” and the beautiful duet
“What do I Think of Me”.

Prototype: Sandy in “Grease,” Kate Monster in “Ave Q,” Roxy Hart in

“Chicago”

DIVONNE BRUDER— (18-25 age range. Alto) Divonne is very outspoken,

funny and quirky. She is a younger Ethel Merman, Bette Midler or Barbra
Striesand. She doesn’t fit into the academic scene at all and constantly
threatens to move to New York. She’s frustrated that she has never gotten
a lead role; instead she gets walk-ons or worse. Divonne falls in lust with
Anna’s nerdy brother, Cliff, but soon dumps him. She sings the award-
winning song “It’s All About Me” and the heart-melting “It Comes Easy”.

Prototype: Elphaba in “Wicked,” Maureen in “Rent,” Dot in “Sunday in the

Park,” Rizzo in “Grease,” Velma Kelly in “Chicago”

CLIFF KEARNS—(18-25 age range. Tenor) Cliff is geeky, bright and

boyish. Must be funny! Anna’s younger brother who follows her lead and
attends St. Gustov to act and write. He might be gay. He becomes best
friends with playboy John Radford and romantically involved with Divonne.
He sings the show-stopping “Nothing Can Stop My Boys” and “Destination
Stage Left”.

Prototype: Mark in “Rent,” Seymour in “Little Shop,” Rod in “Ave Q”

JOHN RADFORD—(18-25 age range. Bass) John is cocky, self-assured

and jockish—a typical frat boy. He is in lust with Anna, but she continually
gives him the brush off. His big-mouth, bad-boy attitude covers a heart of
gold. He brags about being “the big man on campus” and gets the lead in
every play. His dad wants him to study architecture, but he wants to pursue
acting. He sings “Bachelor’s Anthem” and “In the End”

Prototype: Roger in “Rent,” Danny in “Grease,” Billy Flynn in “Chicago”

 Set Requirements

General set description:

The green room is a cross between a living room and a theatrical storage
room. There is mismatched thrift-store furniture: a couch, two armchairs
and a coffee table. The main entrance is upstage left, a window stage right,
and downstage left is a door to the women’s dressing room. Hanging on
the wall stage right is a bulletin board. There is a coat rack, fridge,
cabinets, a small bar, and sink stage left. The walls are cluttered with
framed posters of former shows. The room is cramped and crowded with
costumes and old props from productions pasts hanging around like
ghosts.

Specific requirements:

Act I Scene 1
Couch

Act I Scene 3
Footstool (Cliff)
Costume Rack (All)
Cushion (Cliff)

Act II Scene 1
Garbage can (Anna)

Props List

Assorted trash Laptop computer

Four barbershop-type straw hats Cell phone
Backpack with books Notes
Handheld fan Thick theater history book
Cane Binder with notes
Snuff box Script
Fencing foil Four disposable cups of coffee
Books Cans of beer
Gift with bow Notebooks and pens
Mop Four bottles of beer
Fencing foil
Glass of water
Various set pieces/props from
“God Songs”
Cell phone
Boxes of costumes/props from
“God Songs”
Ellipsoidal light
THE GREEN ROOM 1

ACT ONE
SCENE 1

ANNA KEARNS (20), a beautiful blonde bird of a

girl wearing a St. Gustov sweatshirt is revealed
straightening up the room that has obviously had a
party in it the night before. As she sings she picks
up the left over beer cans, deflated balloons,
uneaten cake and potato chip bags.
The green room is a cross between a living room
and a theatrical storage room. There is
mismatched thrift-store furniture: a couch, two
armchairs and a coffee table. The main entrance
is upstage left, a window stage right, and
downstage left is a door to the women’s dressing
room. Hanging on the wall stage right is a bulletin
board. There is a coat rack, fridge, cabinets, a
small bar, and sink stage left. The walls are
cluttered with framed posters of former shows.
This cave is cramped and crowded with costumes
and old props from productions pasts hanging
around like ghosts.
1. IN THE GREEN ROOM

ANNA
I HAVE SPENT THE FIRST YEAR OF MY COLLEGE LIFE
IN A GRAND SEMANTIC REVOLVING DOOR
TWENTY-DOLLAR WORDS FORM CUSHIONS
TO MUFFLE THE SOUND
OF QUESTIONS LIKE, “WHAT DID I COME HERE FOR?”

I CAME HERE TO LEARN HOW TO BE AN ACTRESS

IT SEEMS LIKE THEY JUST DISTRACT US
THE ONE PLACE THAT BRINGS LIFE BACK TO US

IS THE GREEN ROOM

WE ARE YEARLINGS
WE ARE GREEN AND YEARN TO GROW
IN THE GREEN ROOM
2 THE GREEN ROOM

ANNA (CONT’D)
WE ARE ACHING TO BREAK BUT UNTIL THEN
THE GREEN ROOM IS HOME
DIVONNE (20) enters and slams the door behind
her in a fit of rage; she is the exact opposite of
Anna. She wears very eccentric, thrift-store
vintage clothes and has an odd haircut. She
carries a pile of acting books in her hands, which
she throws down on the table. Music continues
under the dialogue.

DIVONNE
Anna! They just posted the grades for the Summer Repertory Semester
and that idiot Dr. Peterson gave me a D.
ANNA
No!
DIVONNE
Is he trying to make me stop acting? What gives him the right to judge me?
He can’t act his way out of a shit sack.
I HAVE TAKEN DIRECTION THIS WHOLE YEAR
FROM TEACHERS WHOSE PASSION AND INSTINCT
DISSOLVED LONG AGO
FRUSTRATED SINGERS AND ACTORS THAT
TRY TO ACT THROUGH ME
BUT DON’T HAVE THE COURAGE TO ACT ON THEIR OWN

THEY’RE STUCK IN THE SPIN-WHEEL OF FALSE SECURITY

THE PINWHEEL OF MEDIOCRITY
THEY WANT ME TO DRAG THEM UP WITH ME

DIVONNE ANNA
BUT IN THE GREEN ROOM IN THE GREEN ROOM
WE DIG DEEPER WE DIG DEEPER
WHILE WE WAIT FOR THE WHILE WE WAIT FOR THE PLAY
PLAY TO UNFOLD THE PLAY TO UNFOLD AND THE
THE GREEN ROOM, THE GREEN ROOM
IT WILL HOLD US WILL HOLD US
UNTIL WE BECOME WHAT THE UNTIL WE BECOME WHAT THE
GREEN ROOM CAN’T HOLD GREEN ROOM CAN’T HOLD
THE GREEN ROOM 3

DIVONNE (CONT’D) ANNA (CONT’D)

THE GREEN ROOM
WE ARE HUNGRY
AND WE ACHE TO COME IN WE ACHE,
FROM THE COLD WE ACHE FROM THE COLD
THE GREEN ROOM THE GREEN ROOM
IT WILL HOLD US WILL HOLD US
UNTIL WE BECOME WHAT THE UNTIL WE BECOME WHAT THE
GREEN ROOM CAN’T HOLD. GREEN ROOM CAN’T HOLD.
BOTH
THE GREEN ROOM WILL HOLD US
UNTIL WE BECOME WHAT THE
GREEN ROOM CAN’T HOLD.
Anna sits Divonne down on the couch, props her
feet up, goes to the fridge and hands her a coke.
Divonne downs a left-over beer instead.

DIVONNE
Anna, I’m so fed up with this theater department.
ANNA
What happened?
DIVONNE
Peterson hates me! I tried so hard in his class, and he barely passed me! I
never get anywhere in this backwater dump! Maybe I should just quit St.
Gustov’s and move to New York.
ANNA
Divonne, come on! We’re only sophomores…hang in there.
DIVONNE
Easy for you to say, you got the lead in two shows last year.
ANNA
(changing the subject)
Hey, my brother Cliff is starting school today. I told him to drop by our little
hideout.
DIVONNE
Yippee! I hope he’s not a flaky actor like your boyfriend, John…
4 THE GREEN ROOM

ANNA
(defensive)
Cliff is an actor AND a writer, and John is NOT a flake.
DIVONNE
Truth hurts! He’s only in theater to chase you around the furniture. You
need to dump the moron and concentrate on your acting!
ANNA
Divonne!
DIVONNE
I’m sorry, but that grade just blew my chances at the Uta Hagen
scholarship I was hoping for.
ANNA
Scholarship! You have lousy grades!
DIVONNE
So I failed a few classes freshman year, but I couldn’t help it, I was too
involved in theater. Why they want me to take all those stupid classes I’ll
have no use for is beyond me…
The door flies opens and CLIFF KEARNS--a wiry,
18 year old freshman with glasses who looks like
his sister Anna enters like a human pinball. He
throws his scarf around his neck and strikes a
Shakespearian pose.

CLIFF
“To be or not to be”
ANNA stares at him and also assumes a ladylike
pose.

ANNA
“That is the question.” Cliff! You’re here!
She squeals like an excited teenager, and runs
into his arms. They embrace. Divonne just
remains seated and stares at them.

CLIFF
Don’t rumple the scarf. Anon. Anon.
ANNA
Welcome to the green room!
CLIFF
I love this place, it’s such a grotto…
THE GREEN ROOM 5

DIVONNE
Grotto?
CLIFF
Translation: Shit-hole.
Divonne stands up and crosses to Cliff like a
panther.

ANNA
Cliff, this is Divonne Bruder.
CLIFF
Oh. Comment t’allez vous?
DIVONNE
(like Mae West)
Say, you’re kind of cute. Come up to my dorm sometime, and I’ll give you
some private acting lessons.
ANNA
Down girl…
CLIFF
So this is where you hang out during shows.
ANNA
Not just during shows, all day long. This is the hang out.
DIVONNE
We own this place. We chased everyone else off.
JOHN RADFORD enters talking on his cell phone.
He’s 20, handsome with rugged good looks and
full of raging hormones.

JOHN
Dad, I’m not going to drop acting, I’ll just double major in architecture.
He makes a static noise.
I’m losing you…I’m going through a tunnel…Dad…Dad..
He snaps the phone shut. He spots Cliff.
Who’s this nerd? Is it rush week?
ANNA
(protective)
Cliff, meet John, my boyfriend.
JOHN
Out you go!
6 THE GREEN ROOM

He picks up Cliff by the belt loop and carries him

kicking toward the door.

ANNA
(intercepting him)
John, put him down!
John drops him on the floor. Thud.

JOHN
Anna, this is our private theatre club.
DIVONNE

That’s right! Why should we let this geek into our clique?
ANNA

He’s my brother…and…he’s smart

(MUSIC STARTS)
and - sincere.
2. WE’VE GOT STYLE

CLIFF
THERE IS NO “SIN” IN “SINCERE”?
ANNA
THERE IS NO “HELL” IN “HELLO”?
DIVONNE
THERE IS NO “SAD” IN “SADISTIC”?
JOHN
THERE IS NO “LOW” IN “WE’RE CLOSED HERE”
DIVONNE AND JOHN
IF WE ARE GOING
TO SPEND OUR TIME KNOWING YOU
DON’T SIT THERE BLOWING NEW
SMOKE UP OUR ASSES
WE ARE THE “IN” CROWD
WE GRANT NO FREE PASSES
CAUSE WE’VE GOT STYLE
CLIFF
I GOT THREE LEADS SENIOR YEAR
THE GREEN ROOM 7

DIVONNE AND JOHN

YOUR HIGH SCHOOL STUFF DON’T MEAN SHIT
CLIFF
I WRITE PLAYS STARRING MY PEERS
DIVONNE
(to John)
HE GROWS ON YA
JOHN
(to Divonne)
YUP, AND
DIVONNE AND JOHN
HE’S WITTY
HERE’S THE DEAL, MISTER,
WE BOTH LOVE YOUR SISTER
BUT WE HAVE BOTH PISSED HER OFF
SO MANY TIMES
WE CAN’T STAND ANOTHER MILK-TOAST LEANN RIMES
CAUSE WE’VE GOT STYLE
CLIFF
I’VE SMOKED MARIJUANA
ANNA
YOU WHAT?!
CLIFF
ONLY TWICE
JOHN
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN NAKED IN PUBLIC?
CLIFF
JUST ONCE IN THE SAUNA
ANNA
YOU WHAT?!
CLIFF
MAYBE TWICE
DIVONNE AND JOHN
I THINK WE MAY HAVE A NEW SUBJECT
8 THE GREEN ROOM

ALL
THIS KID MIGHT GOT WHAT IT TAKES
TRIO BECOMES A QUARTET
CAN’T STOP NOW, WE GOT NO BRAKES
JOHN
HE STANDS STRAIGHT
DIVONNE
HE SEEMS STRAIGHT
ALL
HE’S READY
HE’S GOT POTENTIAL
HE’S GOT WHAT’S ESSENTIAL
THE CHARM OF THIS GENT SHALL SHINE THROUGH
AND WHERE IS THE HARM IN FOUR-PART HARMONY
WE’VE GOT…
Anna grabs 4 barbershop style straw hats and
gives one to each of them, the last one to Cliff. He
realizes that this means he has been accepted
into the group, and proudly puts the hat on his
head, kneels in front of the group, a la barbershop
quartet style, and sings.

CLIFF
STYLE!
They all raise their hats together in barbershop
quartet fashion.

OTHERS
YES, WE’VE GOT STYLE!
JOHN
Welcome to the club, Socrates!
CLIFF
Merci beaucoups, mon frere!
DIVONNE
You have to prove yourself by being a dedicated actor.
JOHN
There might be some small role for him in the fall musical.
DIVONNE
Are they doing “Little Shop”?
THE GREEN ROOM 9

JOHN
Nope. Professor Peterson talked the theater department into doing “God
Songs” his original, God-awful musical tribute to the Bible.
CLIFF
How much of the Bible?
JOHN
The whole damned thing!
CLIFF
Will all the Jews be excused at intermission after the Old Testament?
DIVONNE
Wait! This could be my big chance! There’s all kind’s of wonderful roles for
me! Eve, Mary (the saint AND the whore), Lot’s wife… Anna, come with
me!
Divonne gathers her up her books, grabs her
backpack in a mad rush.

ANNA
What?!
DIVONNE
I need to drop by the library and check out a copy of the bible.
JOHN
Shouldn’t you already own a Bible?
DIVONNE
That’s not how Divonne rolls! Let’s go before some other broad nabs it – or
better still we could nab one from the Motel 6. That’s really how Divonne
rolls!
They head for the door, but before they exit,
Divonne turns back, to Cliff:
Hey Einstein, come up to my dorm room and I’ll show you the REAL
Meisner Technique.
Anna grabs her by the arm and yanks her out the
door.

ANNA
Acting, Divonne, focus on Acting…
DIVONNE
Oh, yeah!
Divonne and Anna exit.
10 THE GREEN ROOM

CLIFF
Wow. She was hitting on me.
JOHN
Divonne? Don’t get mixed up with her, she doesn’t care about anything
except theater.
CLIFF
I live and die for theater, too! It’s a perfect match. That’s the kind of girl I
could marry.
JOHN
Marry?! Are you nuts? The biggest fringe benefit of being a theater major is
the sex.
CLIFF
Then what are you doing hooked up with Anna? She’s not going to have
sex until she’s married.
JOHN
Nah, she’s about to give in! I know how to handle a leading lady. You’ve
got to be the boss, dear boy! Women want a brute, a caveman who’s going
to knock them over the head and drag them back to the cave.
CLIFF
Who are you, Stanley Kowalski?
JOHN
Come on, boy, release your inner tiger. Give me a growl.
CLIFF
(making a weak attempt)
Grrrr.
JOHN
Weak… Try this,
(impersonating a caveman)
“Marriage Bad!”
CLIFF
(attempting it)
Mar..mmm….I’m too cerebral for this…
JOHN
Use your brain! Think of all the world-famous, class-A bachelors!
CLIFF
Like James Buchanan.
THE GREEN ROOM 11

JOHN
Who?
CLIFF
James Buchanan, fifteenth President of the United States--the only
bachelor President.
JOHN
No Geek Squad, I’m talking about real men:
(MUSIC STARTS)
Hemingway, Macarthur…
CLIFF
The Pope…
JOHN
Patton!
CLIFF
Liberace!
3. BACHELOR’S ANTHEM

JOHN
LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN
ALWAYS STAYED INSIDE HIS SHELL
HIS HAIR WAS A MESS AND SO WAS HIS DRESS
BUT HE PLAYED PIANO PRETTY WELL
NOW HIS DEAR DISTANT BELOVED LIVED A CONTINENT AWAY
AND YET HE LOVED THAT LASS SO FAIR
THERE WERE OTHER LITTLE LASSES
BUT SHE WAS A BLAST
AND GOOD REAR THEN WAS RARE.

HE WAS A BACHELOR
FREE-LIVIN’ BACHELOR
FREE-LOVIN’ BACHELOR
BE A BACHELOR.
CLIFF
LITTLE ALBERT EINSTEIN
WAS A MOST AMAZING LAD
HE ALSO DIDN’T CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT HIS HAIR
BUT HIS MATH WAS NOT TOO BAD
HE LOOKED AT A, B, C AND D AND THOUGHT HE’D STUDY E
AND THEN HE FOUND IT EQUALED M. C. SQUARED
12 THE GREEN ROOM

CLIFF (CONT’D)
BUT HE COULDN’T GO TO PROM
BECAUSE HE JUST HAD MADE THE “BOMB”
AND ALL THE GIRLS IN TOWN WERE SCARED.
JOHN CLIFF
HE WAS A BACHELOR NOW I KNOW
FREE-LIVIN’ BACHELOR MARRIAGE BLOWS
FREE-LOVIN’ BACHELOR
BE A BACHELOR. BE A BACHELOR.

I’LL BE A BACHELOR YOU BE A BACHELOR

YOU BE A BACHELOR I’LL BE A BACHELOR
WE’LL BE A BACHELOR BABY, BABY,
BE A BACHELOR. BE A BACHELOR.
CLIFF
(in a cockney British accent)
KING RUFUS NEVER MARRIED, CAUSE HE NEVER TOOK A BATH.
JOHN
ATTILA THE HUN WAS IN LOVE WITH A NUN
BUT SHE WOULDN’T LEAVE THE CLOTH
CLIFF
POOR MARIO ANDRETTI MARRIED, SO DID J. PAUL GETTY
AND SINATRA GOT A ZEPPO SPOUSE
JOHN
IF BARACK DIVORCED MICHELLE,
WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD GET THE WHITE HOUSE?
They pick up microphone-sized objects and begin
to pretend to be rock stars.

JOHN CLIFF
HE WAS A BACHELOR NOW I KNOW
FREE-LIVIN’ BACHELOR MARRIAGE BLOWS
FREE-LOVIN’ BACHELOR
BE A BACHELOR. BE A BACHELOR.
The boys rip off their shirts and swing them around
while dancing on the furniture.
I’LL BE A BACHELOR YOU BE A BACHELOR
YOU BE A BACHELOR I’LL BE A BACHELOR
WE’LL BE A BACHELOR YEAH, YEAH,
THE GREEN ROOM 13

JOHN (CONT’D) CLIFF (CONT’D)

BE A BACHELOR, YEAH! BE A BACHELOR, YEAH!
By the repeat of the last chorus, they start to meld
into British accents and take on the personality of
70’s rock stars - Mick Jagger and David Bowie.
They do a chorus with air instruments and get the
audience clapping; floodlights hit the audience as
in a rock concert. Yet throughout, there is still a
sense of the fourth wall; the audience is
witnessing two boys playing rock star in their
“dorm”.
BLACKOUT.
14 THE GREEN ROOM

SCENE 2

Two months later. Anna and John are in the

middle of rehearsing a scene from Moliere’s
“Tartuffe”. Anna carries a fan and wears a
rehearsal skirt and John has a period hat, cane
and snuff box. John plays each line with overt
sexual intent while Anna plays it stiff and frigid.

JOHN/TARTUFFE
Madam, I am overjoyed.
'Tis sweet to find myself alone with you.
This is an opportunity I've asked
Of Heaven, many a time; till now, in vain.
ANNA/ELMIRE
Tartuffe, All that I wish, is just a word from you,
Quite frank and open, hiding nothing from me.
JOHN/TARTUFFE
I too could wish, as Heaven's especial favour,
To lay my soul quite open to your eyes,
And swear to you, the trouble that I made
About those visits which your charms attract,
Does not result from any hatred toward you,
But rather from a passionate devotion,
And purest motives ...
ANNA/ELMIRE
That is how I take it,
I think 'tis my salvation that concerns you.
JOHN/TARTUFFE
(pressing her finger tips)
Madam, 'tis so; and such is my devotion ...
ANNA/ELMIRE
Ouch! but you squeeze too hard.
JOHN/TARTUFFE
Excess of zeal.
In no way could I ever mean to hurt you,
And I'd as soon ...
He puts his hand on her knee.

ANNA/ELMIRE
What's your hand doing there?
THE GREEN ROOM 15

JOHN/TARTUFFE
Feeling your gown; the stuff is very soft.
ANNA/ELMIRE
Let be, I beg you; I am very ticklish.
She moves her chair away, and John brings his
nearer.

JOHN/TARTUFFE
(handling the lace yoke of Elmire's dress)
Dear me how wonderful in workmanship
This lace is! They do marvels, nowadays;
Things of all kinds were never better made.
John leaps upon Anna. Anna breaks character
and pushes John off her.

ANNA
John, I can’t play the scene with you being so sexual.
JOHN
I’m just trying to get a spark in this scene because you’re playing it so
frigid.
ANNA
Moliere is a classic. It’s not about sex, it’s about style. My character is
trying to resist your advances…
JOHN
You’re playing hard to get but your inner monologue is you WANT it!
ANNA
I disagree! My character is simply in control of her sexual urges!
JOHN
Maybe that’s her problem. Maybe that’s your problem, too.
ANNA
What?
JOHN
Nothing…Let’s get back to…
ANNA
No! What did you mean by that?
JOHN
I hate to state the obvious, but we’ve been dating since spring and we still
haven’t had sex. Cliff and Divonne have been “doing it” for weeks. I really
like you. What’s wrong?
16 THE GREEN ROOM

(MUSIC STARTS)

ANNA
I’m afraid you won’t be around afterwards.
JOHN
Anna, I…
ANNA
There’s lots of layers of me that I’m afraid to show you.
JOHN
Anna, I’m not giving up on you.
4. WHAT DO I THINK OF ME?

ANNA
WHAT IS IT YOU WANT NOW?
WHAT IS IT YOU NEED?
I CAN'T LET MY DEFENSES DOWN
TO EVERY MAN I SEE,
THE QUESTION'S NOT WHAT I THINK OF YOU,
BUT WHAT DO I THINK OF ME.
JOHN
IF IT TAKES A LIFETIME
JUST TO LIVE YOUR LIFE
YOU'LL FIND YOU'RE SOMEONE'S MOTHER,
SOMEONE'S LOVER, SOMEONE'S WIFE,
AND YOU'LL SAY
"THIS IS WHAT I HAVE LONGED TO BE,
BUT WHAT DO I THINK OF ME?”

AND THEN THE DAY WILL COME, YOU'LL RUN

AND WONDER WHERE YOUR YOUTH HAS GONE,
YOU'LL WANT TO LIVE IT ALL AGAIN,
BUT THEN YOU'LL FIND IT CAN'T BE DONE.
ANNA JOHN
DOWN INSIDE ME DOWN INSIDE YOU
THERE'S A RESTLESS CHILD, THERE'S A RESTLESS CHILD,
ASKING, “WHY CAN'T I DO ASKING, “WHY CAN'T I DO
SOMETHING WILD AND FREE?” SOMETHING WILD AND FREE?”

HERE IT IS, MY ROMANCE, HERE I AM, YOUR ROMANCE,

HERE I AM, ALONE, THIS IS IT,
THE GREEN ROOM 17

ANNA (CONT’D) JOHN (CONT’D)

AND CHANCES ARE, I’D WAKE UP OUR CHANCE TO FLY,
WISHING I WAS ON MY OWN, WE'VE GOT TO TRY,
NOW I KNOW IT’S
I’M LIKE YOU, NOW OR NEVER
I'D LIKE TO BE FREE, NOW OR NEVER
BUT WHAT DO I DO NOW?
BUT WHAT WOULD I THINK OF ME? A YEAR-LONG FANTASY
COMES REAL
WHAT DO I SAY NOW?
WHAT DO I THINK OF ME? HOW DO I CLOSE THE DEAL?
BOTH
WHAT DO I --
WHAT DO I THINK OF ME?
They kiss. They kiss some more! They start to
make out when they hear a clinking at the hall
door. Anna and John make a beeline into the
make-up room. Cliff lunges in through the hall door
wearing a white glove and holding a foil. He
begins to fence alone with an invisible foe. He is
suddenly plunged through the heart!

CLIFF
Ahhh…I am slain!
Divonne enters with her bundle of books. She is
dressed in a coat, scarf and fuzzy ear muffs.

DIVONNE
It’s not even November yet and it’s freezing outside.
Cliff spots her and immediately runs to her and
throws her arms around her.

CLIFF
Good morrow, my beloved!
DIVONNE
I have to get ready for my work-study job at the cafeteria.
Divonne begins to change into her uniform: an
apron, hairnet and ridiculous cap. Cliff goes to the
table and picks up a wrapped gif with the biggest
bow known to man and a huge ribbon draped off
the side, and he hands it to Divonne.
18 THE GREEN ROOM

CLIFF
Pour toi, mon cheri…
DIVONNE
What’s this?
CLIFF
It’s a gift. Today is the two-month anniversary of our first date!
Divonne opens it and her eyes light up.

DIVONNE
Oh, my scene design paper…that’s so beautiful. Cliff, I have some bad
news…
CLIFF
Why so melancholy my maiden?
DIVONNE
I failed the test.
CLIFF
Don’t worry, everyone fails theater history tests.
DIVONNE
No, EPT.
CLIFF
Is that a new curriculum requirement?
DIVONNE
Cliff, I think I might be pregnant.
CLIFF
(sputtering)
P…p…pregnant?
DIVONNE
It looks that way…
CLIFF
What wonderful news!
DIVONNE
Are you crazy? This will destroy my all chances of being an actress.
CLIFF
Not at all. We can make this work.
(he drops to his knees)
Divonne, marry me!
THE GREEN ROOM 19

DIVONNE
Have you completely lost your mind, Cliff?
CLIFF
“The course of true love did never run smooth”
DIVONNE
You have no idea what a baby is!
CLIFF
I've seen them in pictures.
DIVONNE
It’s a huge responsibility.
CLIFF
We could be St. Gustov’s first theater family. Like the Lunts. Or the
Barrymores!
DIVONNE
What?
CLIFF
He could be born in a trunk right here in the green room. We can put his
playpen over there in the corner…
DIVONNE
Cliff, I do not want kids! I want a Tony!
CLIFF
Tony’s a perfect name.
DIVONNE
I’m late for work.
CLIFF
Don’t exert yourself too much, sweet. You are carrying precious cargo.
DIVONNE
You stay here and pray this is a false alarm.
Divonne, now fully dressed in her uniform, grabs
her backpack and exits. Cliff dances around
excitedly.

CLIFF
I made a baby!
(MUSIC STARTS)
I made a baby - I didn’t know my boys had it in them. Cliff, you shouldn’t be
acting this way. You’re a freshman in college. This is serious business.
Wahoooo!
20 THE GREEN ROOM

5. NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS

CLIFF (CONT’D)
WHAT INFORMATION
WHAT REVELATION
I AM A VIRILE MAN
I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS
I CAN’T CONCEIVE THIS –
WELL, YES, I GUESS I CAN

I HAVE GOT THE CHARM OF YOUNG CLINT EASTWOOD

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER’S POISE
(whispered)
I PRODUCE A CROWD OF SPERM CELLS TOUGH AS
THE DIRTY DOZEN
(growing louder)
NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS
NOT MY BOYS
YOU CAN PUT CONDOMS,
LOTS OF THEM, ON ‘EM
HOPING THEY WON’T GET OUT
THEY’RE ALL SO HANDY
MY LITTLE MEN DE-
CIPHER THE EXIT ROUTE

MARVEL OUGHT TO BASE A COMIC ON THEM

MAYBE WITH A LINE OF TOYS
CAPTAIN IMPREGNATION AS THEIR LEADER,
SHOUTING OUT PROUDLY,
“NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS!”

BUT WHAT IF IT’S SOMETHING I CAN’T REPEAT

OR MERELY BEGINNER’S LUCK
WAIT! DON’T PANIC
DON’T GET MANIC
MY BOYS COULD SINK THE TITANIC

I’M LIKE A TRAIN – NO,

LIKE A VOLCANO
SEEMINGLY STILL AND STAID
THE GREEN ROOM 21

CLIFF (CONT’D)
THEN WHEN I ERUPT
I’LL MAKE YOUR DUTCH CUP
NOT WORTH THE PRICE YOU PAID

IF THE FDA FINDS OUT ABOUT

THESE MISSILES THAT I CAN DEPLOY
THEY MIGHT MAKE ME WEAR A WARNING LABEL:
“HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED”
NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS.
“USE AS DIRECTED”
NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS.
“AVAILABLE BY PRESCRIPTION ONLY,
NOT FOR CHILDREN OR PREGNANT MOTHERS,
CAMPAIGNED AGAINST BY SALLY STRUTHERS,”
NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS.
Cliff picks up a mop and holds it lovingly as if it
were Divonne. He strokes the mop’s hair.
Will you marry me, Divonne?
(he talks in falsetto and uses the mop as a puppet)
Yes, I’ll marry you! We’ll live happily ever after. We’ll have little Divonnes
and little Cliffs running all over the place.
(in his voice)
Shall we Waltz?
Cliff breaks into a waltz with the mop humming to
himself. Cliff makes out with the mop. John enters
from the make-up room subtly buttoning his shirt.
He watches Cliff dance for a moment.

JOHN
Cliff! I was supposed to meet you here to practice for stage combat class.
CLIFF
I have glove and foil ready and news to deliver, good sir John.
Cliff puts on his glove and grabs his foil. John
adjusts his hair while he picks up his foil and
glove.

JOHN
Maybe I’ll let you score a point this time.
They begin to fence.
22 THE GREEN ROOM

CLIFF
John, I’ve never been so happy in my life! Divonne and I are going to have
a baby.
John’s mouth drops open, letting his guard down.
Cliff seized the opportunity and lunges in, touching
the end of his foil to John’s chest.
Touche!
John gets his guard back up and they begin
fencing again.

JOHN
That was a dirty trick. You fooled me. I thought you might be serious.
CLIFF
I am serious—she just told me. I asked her to marry me.

JOHN
What?
John drops his guard again and Cliff seized the
opportunity and lunges in for a second touch.

CLIFF
Touche! 2-0! My favor.
John drops his foil to the ground.

JOHN
What happened to bachelorhood?
CLIFF
It was good while it lasted. Will you be my best man?
JOHN
Cliff, you’re a freshman in college!
CLIFF
I have enough credits to be a sophomore.
JOHN
You’re living in a fantasy world. What do you want to do, raise a kid or
finish college?
CLIFF
Both! We have it all figured out.
Cliff walks upstage to where he imagines the crib
to be and gestures.
THE GREEN ROOM 23

JOHN
Cliff, this is not something to make fun of! You knocked up your girlfriend.
Anna enters from the make up room during John’s
line and overhears the last part.

ANNA
(horrified)
No-no-no. Not this! I knew something awful like this would happen. God is
punishing me.
CLIFF
Anna, don’t be such a party pooper!
ANNA
Cliff your dream of being a famous playwright and actor...
CLIFF
Everything is still on schedule.
ANNA
(drops the bombshell)
What will mom and dad say?
Cliff considers this dreaded thought for a moment.
Then as a bell sounds his opening note, a new
thought appears.
(MUSIC STARTS)
6. NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS REPRISE

CLIFF
IT’S NOT QUITE WHAT MOM WISHED
I WOULD ACCOMPLISH
DURING MY FRESHMAN YEAR
STILL, IT’S ELATING
NO MORE DEBATING
WHETHER OR NOT I’M QUEER

HOW COULD I DEPRIVE MY LITTLE MAN

ACTIVITIES HE SO ENJOYS
AND THEN ONCE THE SPIT HITS THE FAN, WELL,
THE SKY IS THE LIMIT
NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS.

SHE CAN WEAR CORDUROY OR JEANS

WITH THICK RUBBER PANTIES IN BETWEEN
24 THE GREEN ROOM

CLIFF (CONT’D)
THEY’LL BURROW RIGHT THROUGH LIKE SPERM MARINES,
YES, NOTHING CAN STOP MY BOYS!
Cliff exits in grand excitement. John and Anna
stare at each other in shock.
BLACKOUT.
THE GREEN ROOM 25

SCENE 3

Two weeks later. Mid-November. 5 minutes before

the Fall musical “God Songs”. John is dressed as
Moses. Cliff has a t-shirt on that says “Narrator”
and Anna is dressed in a blue outfit to represent
the sea.

JOHN
(enters)
These costumes are so fun they might save “God Songs”.
ANNA
Mine’s a little revealing.
CLIFF
It will sure help sell Peterson’s swan song to the audience.
ANNA
Well, it’s not the best play in the world, but we’ve managed to pull it
together.
Anna knocks on the make-up room door.
Divonne, get your diva butt out here.
DIVONNE
(from offstage)
I’m almost finished putting the finishing touches on my costume.
STAGE MANAGER (V.O.)
Ladies and Gentlemen this is your 5-minute call…5 minutes to curtain.
They all start to panic. Cliff struggles to put on his
shoe, falling over the couch.

CLIFF
Shit, shit, shit.
ANNA
That was 5 Divonne, get your diva butt out her.
CLIFF
Zut alors, mon ami. Mais vit!
DIVONNE
Alright! Hold you’re hats and Hallelujah, here comes mamma!
The door busts open and Divonne, making a
grand entrance, hops out dressed in the tackiest of
tackiest costumes--a huge, green velvet sack-like
thing with leaves and twigs pasted all over it.
26 THE GREEN ROOM

DIVONNE (CONT’D)
Tada! I’m turning the role of the burning bush into a star vehicle.
ANNA
Honey, you look sensational.
CLIFF
I’ve never seen a lovelier bush.
DIVONNE
Thank you. Now let’s get to work! We have 5 minutes to fix the disastrous
red sea scene.
The cast lines up in position for the scene. It’s very
staged and artificial.
“Action!”
CLIFF
Then God appeared to Moses as a burning bush and said,
Divonne moves next to John and does a weird,
performance art move.

DIVONNE
(as bush)
“I am who I am.”
JOHN
Just like Popeye.
DIVONNE
Stick to the script, please.
(as bush)
“What is that in your hand?”
JOHN
(as Moses)
My big staff.
John shoots a lewd look at Cliff.

CLIFF
He replied. But Moses was slow of speech and tongue.
JOHN
(goofing around)
I am slow of speech and tongue.
THE GREEN ROOM 27

ANNA
John, stop messing around!
JOHN
Sorry.
(as Moses)
I will go over there and see this strange sight.
DIVONNE
Just because Charlton Heston couldn’t act doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
Cliff rushes to her and gives her a glass of water.

JOHN
Ever since Peterson made you student director, you’ve gotten so bossy.
DIVONNE
I’m up here trying to save this clunker while you’re goofing off and we open
in five minutes. You are so immature!
JOHN
At least, I have lines.
DIVONNE
Yes, and you don’t even take them seriously. Because if acting doesn’t
work out for you, you go work for your dad in his little architecture firm.
Acting is all I’ve got.
CLIFF
Stop bickering, you two!
He puts a stool down for her feet.
Put your feet up, pooky.
ANNA
Guys, it’s opening night, we have to pull this together.
JOHN
Peterson is the worst playwright on the planet.
CLIFF
I could write a better play than this in my sleep!
DIVONNE
Well, why don’t you write one with a great part for me?
CLIFF
If you must know, I’m almost done with a two act play which will star just
the four of us.
28 THE GREEN ROOM

DIVONNE
Really?
ANNA
We have to get on stage.
CLIFF
Yeah, guys. Mom and Dad are here tonight!
DIVONNE
Your millionaire Dad? If I’m good, do think he’ll adopt me?
ANNA
He might help us all if we end up going to New York together, but if we
can’t get along while doing this, we’ll fall apart before graduating.
JOHN
Divonne, I’m sorry.
DIVONNE
Apology accepted. Let’s try the song.
(first pitch is sounded.)
7. DON’T TRY TO PART THE WATER

ALL
THERE ALWAYS HAVE BEEN SKEPTICS
THROUGHOUT OUR HISTORY,
AND SO IT WAS WHEN MOSES
APPROACHED THE COLD RED SEA.
CLIFF
I SEE YOU STANDING BY THAT BUSH
ANNA
NOW, GET THAT LIGHTER FLUID OFF IT
ALL
THE LAST THING THE WORLD NEEDS
IS A PYROMANIAC PROPHET.

DON’T TRY TO PART THE WATER,

YOU’LL NEVER GET YOUR WISH
DON’T TRY TO PART THE WATER,
DIVONNE
YOU’LL ONLY KILL THE FISH
THE GREEN ROOM 29

ALL
YOU’RE SUCH A MYSTIC,
BE REALISTIC,
YOU’LL NEVER PART THAT H 2 0, MO,
YOU’LL NEVER PART THAT H 2 0

IT’S NOT THE TIME FOR METAPHYSICS

WE’RE CLEARLY REALLY IN A JAM
BUT WE CAN STILL FOLLOW THE COASTLINE
COME ON NOW, LET’S TAKE IT ON THE LAMB
CLIFF
NO PUN INTENDED, JUST
ALL
DON’T TRY TO PART THE WATER,
NOT EVEN ON A DARE,
DON’T TRY TO PART THE WATER,
ANNA
YOU CAN BARELY PART YOUR HAIR!
ALL
YOU’RE SUCH A MYSTIC,
BE REALISTIC,
YOU’LL NEVER PART THAT H 2 0, MO,
YOU’LL NEVER PART THAT H 2 0.
STAGE MANAGER (V.O.)
Places everyone, places! Bring in the curtain.
They all do one final adjustment to their costumes
and rush off stage.
(MUSIC STARTS)
The lights cross fade and they step downstage
and are NOW in the performance. The lights go
dim on the green room set.

ALL
I NEVER WAS FOND OF MILK AND HONEY
I’D JUST AS SOON HAVE BOYSENBERRY JAM
I’M SURE THAT WE CAN CROSS THIS WATER!
BUT NOT WITHOUT A HYDRO-POWERED DAM!
30 THE GREEN ROOM

CLIFF
EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE, JUST
ALL
DON’T TRY TO PART THE WATER,
WE’LL NEVER MAKE IT THROUGH
DON’T TRY TO PART THE WATER,
JOHN
OY VEY, YOU’RE SUCH A JEW,
ANNA, CLIFF AND JOHN
AND SUCH A MYSTIC,
BE REALISTIC,
ALL
YOU’LL NEVER PART THAT H 2 0, MO,
YOU’LL NEVER PART THAT H 2 0, MO,
YOU’LL NEVER PART THAT H 2 0
They all run off stage and into the green room
through the hallway door and head for the
costume rack. Divonne and Cliff help John and
Anna with a quick change. John and Anna rush off
stage and back into the performance of “God
Songs” we can no longer see. Divonne
immediately goes into “diva” mode. She tears off
her costume and throws in on the ground. Cliff
hangs it up for her.

DIVONNE
Was I good?
CLIFF
You were great.
DIVONNE
Was I really good?
CLIFF
You were sublime, amazing…
DIVONNE
I just gave the performance of a lifetime. I gave it all! I’m spent.
Cliff puts Divonne on the couch, puts her feet up,
puts a cushion under her feet. Puts a hot rag on
her head.

CLIFF
Here sit down, put your feet up. Remember our little one…
THE GREEN ROOM 31

Divonne sits up like a bolt of lightening.

DIVONNE
Oh, Cliff. Great news. I’m not pregnant.
CLIFF
What?
DIVONNE
My prayers were answered.
CLIFF
Well, this isn’t our only chance! We can try again, right away.
DIVONNE
Cliff, you’re worse than my Dad. He’s begging me for a grandson. You’re
begging me for a son. I don’t even want a cat.
CLIFF
You’ll feel differently soon.
DIVONNE
Cliff, I don’t know how to say this, but…I’m breaking up with you.
CLIFF
You can’t break up with me. We’re getting married.
DIVONNNE
No, Cliff, we are NOT!
CLIFF
Yes, we are. You’re just exhausted. That’s all. Want a coke?
DIVONNE
Cliff, this is bigger than us. I’m not sure, but I think I’m a lesbian.
CLIFF
That’s okay. I can work with that. I have no trouble with you wearing the
pants in the family.
(MUSIC STARTS)

DIVONNE
Cliff, face facts, it’s over!
CLIFF
This is a phase. I’ll wait for you! A million years if I have to!
32 THE GREEN ROOM

DIVONNE
My God! How does someone get through to you?
8. I‘VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU
I‘VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU
OFTEN I’VE SAID I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF YOU
LAST NIGHT I LAID SIDE BY SIDE IN THE BUFF WITH YOU
NOW, THAT’S ENOUGH OF YOU
DON’T MAKE ME GET TOUGH WITH YOU
I WILL
CLIFF
THAT’S NOT ENOUGH OF ME
[in French accent:]
YOU STILL THINK I’M SEXY WHEN I SPEAK IN FRENCH, AMI
DIVONNE
[in French accent:]
THIS IS NO COMPENSATION FOR YOUR FOUL STENCH, YOU SEE
CLIFF
YOU’RE JUST TEASING ME
DIVONNE
YOU WEREN’T MEANT FOR ME
CLIFF
Then who was I meant for?
DIVONNE
JUDI DENCH MAYBE
CLIFF
YOU’RE NOT PERFECT GIRL
YOU’RE OVERWEIGHT,
DIVONNE
YOU’RE UNDER-HEIGHT
CLIFF
YOU’RE UNDERSEXED
DIVONNE
YOUR OVERBITE
COULD SCARE A LITTLE KITTEN UP A TREE
CLIFF
IF WE MEET AGAIN
WHEN THE SUN IS SETTING SLYLY DOWN THE PIER
THE GREEN ROOM 33

DIVONNE
THAT WON’T COVER UP YOUR BIRTH MARK RIGHT BACK HERE
YOU MAY DREAM THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY
BUT IT WON’T COME TRUE, NO FRICKING WAY
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU
CLIFF
THAT’S NOT ENOUGH OF ME
DIVONNE
THAT LITTLE THING IS TOO DARN SHORT AND BLUNT FOR ME
CLIFF
HEY!
DIVONNE
AND YOU WON’T BE USING THAT THING IN MY…COMPANY
NON, NON, NON, CHERI,
NO, I’VE HAD ENOUGH, MY BABY, OF YOU.
BLACKOUT.
34 THE GREEN ROOM

SCENE 4

Set strike has come to the Green Room. It is

littered with miscellaneous set pieces from
“Godsongs.” Throughout this scene, backstage
crew members (actual backstage crew members
from the real production) walk on and off stage at
times during the scene. The items they carry can
be (but not limited to) fig leaves, a serpent, 2x2
animals, Lot’s wife as a pillar of salt, the Ten
Commandments, the golden calf, loaves of bread
and fish which just keep coming and coming,
plagues (locusts, frogs, hail and fire), a devil’s
pitchfork, a manger, a big number 666. Things are
somewhat hectic. John enters, wearing paint
clothes. He is talking on the cell phone.

JOHN
I am listening, Dad. I’m also in the middle of strike for “Godsongs”.
(pause)
I know this is important.
Cliff and Anna enter through the hall door, also
dressed in old paint clothes. They carry boxes of
props and costumes, which they drop and begin
sorting through.

ANNA
She broke up with you in the middle of the show last night?
CLIFF
She was brutal. She barraged me with insults. It was the worse moment of
my life.
ANNA
Had you been fighting?
CLIFF
No – everything had been going perfectly. You know, I think this whole
time, she was just using me for sex.
(MUSIC STARTS)

ANNA
Really?
CLIFF
Yup.
9. THE ALL-YOU-WANNA-DO-IS-DO-ME BLUES
THE GREEN ROOM 35

CLIFF (CONT’D)
I MUST HAVE BEEN OUT OF MY BRAIN
BELIEVING THAT GIRL WHO’S INSANE
MIGHT REALLY WANT TO LOVE ME
WHEN REALLY SHE’S A LESBI-ANE
ANNA
A what?
CLIFF
That’s what she said.
SHE SAYS, “CLIFFY BOY, YOU’RE THE BOMB,
AND I THINK I’M GOIN’ BE A MOM
ON SECOND THOUGHT, I THINK I’M NOT,
I DON’T LOVE YOU, I’M GAY, WE’RE THROUGH.
SIS, I’VE GOT THE ALL YOU WANNA DO IS DO ME BLUES

IF WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS

WE MEN FROM MARS ARE SCREWED
THESE WOMEN FROM VENUS
THEY COAX US AND WEAN US
THEN TELL US OUR PENIS WON’T DO.

WHEN I FALL
I FOLLOW THE RULES
NOW I’VE GOT THE ALL YOU WANNA DO IS DO ME BLUES
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
John enters through hall door, still talking on his
cel phone. Anna gets anxious. She tries to get his
attention, and he holds up a finger signifying he is
on the phone.

JOHN
(into phone)
I don’t have the knowledge or training your partner had.
He exits through the makeup room.

ANNA
He’s avoiding me. I’ve texted him 17 times today – no reply.
CLIFF
He looks stressed. Don’t worry about it.
36 THE GREEN ROOM

ANNA
th
No, things haven’t been the same since the 14 .
CLIFF
th
The 14 ?
ANNA
I might as well tell you. We made love.
CLIFF
I know, John told me. Good for you!
ANNA
Terrible for me. I’m beginning to think that’s all he wanted. He’s been
pulling away ever since.
I MUST HAVE BEEN OUT OF MY HEAD
BELIEVING WHAT THAT YOUNG BOY SAID
HE SAID HE WANTED ANNA
BECAUSE SHE HAD A CLEAN PURE SOUL.
CLIFF
Well, maybe that’s true.
ANNA
Yeah, right.
HE SAID THIS WOULD MAKE OUR LOVE STRONG
I BOUGHT IT, BUT BOY, WAS I WRONG
I SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT HIM OFF,
WHY DIDN’T MAMA MAKE ME LEARN KUNG FU?
NOW I’VE GOT THE ALL YOU WANNA DO IS DO ME BLUES
BOTH
THE HEN IS IN THE HENHOUSE
THE ROOSTER’S ON THE ROOF
AND WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE
WE’VE BEEN LIKE THAT HEN THERE
LIKE WE WERE JUST BORN TO BE BOOFED
WHEN WE FALL
WE FOLLOW THE RULES
ANNA
BUT THAT BOY’S JUST GOT ME FEELING SAD AND GLOOMY
CLIFF
I THINK I’M FIGURING OUT NOW WHY SHE NEVER…
THE GREEN ROOM 37

ANNA
(cutting him off)
Don’t say it!
BOTH
YES, I’VE GOT THE ALL YOU WANNA DO IS DO ME BLUES.
Divonne enters wearing paint clothes and a tool
belt.

DIVONNE
Hey, set strike doesn’t mean sitting in the Green Room all night. Cliff,
Peterson just yelled for you.
Cliff exits without looking at or talking to Divonne.
Actual backstage crew member crosses the stage
carrying a light or similar.
(to Anna)
Is he doing okay?
ANNA
No, Divonne. You ruined him. Can’t you show a little tenderness?
DIVONNE
I can’t, Anna. He’s impossible. If I’m nice to him today, he’ll be right back
making wedding plans.
ANNA
You were so mean to him last night.
DIVONNE
I tried to be nice, but the kid is in a fantasy world. Then I tried to be direct.
He still didn’t get it. I had to be mean just to get through to him.
Actual backstage crew member crosses the stage
carrying a cable or similar.

ANNA
Do you really think you’re a lesbian?
DIVONNE
I think so.
Cliff pokes his head in the door.

CLIFF
Divonne. Frank needs you to help with the ark.
Cliff pops back out. Divonne exits. John comes in,
still on the phone.
38 THE GREEN ROOM

JOHN
Okay, Dad, I got it. I got it. Thanks. Bye.
ANNA
As much time as you’ve spent on the phone, it’s a wonder you seem to
have missed all my text messages.
JOHN
Anna, something important has come up.
ANNA
Apparently more important than our relationship.
JOHN
Anna, I’m leaving school.
Anna is stunned.
You know my Dad always wanted me to take his partner’s place in his
architectural firm.
ANNA
Yeah, but –
JOHN
His partner Jerry just had a heart attack. If he recovers, he’s retiring. Dad
wants me back home to start interning at his firm. Next month.
ANNA
John, you’re an actor. Not an archi –
JOHN
This is $70,000 a year to start. And I’d own half the firm in 5 years.
ANNA
What about us?
JOHN
I’m only an hour away.
Cliff and Divonne enter through the hall door,
carrying some large “Godsongs” prop.
Nice get-up, Divonne. She’s only been a lesbian for 24 hours, and she
already has the tool-belt.
DIVONNE
And it’s bigger than yours. You need to go see Peterson. He thinks you’re
a no-show.
JOHN
(to Anna)
I’ll be right back.
THE GREEN ROOM 39

John exits through the hall door.

CLIFF
(to Anna)
You look like a truck hit you.
ANNA
Kind of a truck, yeah.
DIVONNE
What did John say?
Actual backstage crew member crosses the stage
carrying a set piece or similar.

ANNA
He’s…he’s quitting school.
CLIFF DIVONNE
What? Why?
ANNA
His father offered him a partnership. $70,000.00 a year.
DIVONNE
What a sell-out.
CLIFF
He’ll regret it forever. We have to talk him out of this.
DIVONNE
It’s hard to compete with big amounts of cash. I know you rich kids don’t
always understand that.
ANNA
We’re not rich.
DIVONNE
Your Dad gave you a Porsche for your birthday.
ANNA
Lots of people get cars for their birthdays.
DIVONNE
You were 11.
ANNA
Focus, Divonne! Cliff, did you finish the play you were writing for the four of
us to do?
CLIFF
Yeah, I have a rough draft. Dr. Hoffman said it was genius.
40 THE GREEN ROOM

ANNA
Maybe…Cliff, maybe we could get Dad to fund a production of it in New
York City after we graduate.
CLIFF
You know he mentioned that to me last time we were home.
ANNA
He said it to me, too. We have to get him to do it. That would make John
stay. Just that hope –
DIVONNE
Anna, you can’t expect John to bail on his dad to perform one Off-
Broadway show. Although…I sure would.
CLIFF
Of course you would. And John might, too.
John enters, carrying an ellipsoidal light.

DIVONNE
So I hear you’re giving up everything you love to be something you hate.
JOHN
I knew you’d be supportive.
CLIFF
Well, you’d be missing a one-and-only chance to be in an off-broadway
play.
JOHN
How’s that?
DIVONNE
Cliff’s dad, old moneybags, is going to invest in the show Cliff wrote for the
four of us.
JOHN
(to Cliff)
Funny Cliff wouldn’t mention that until now.
ANNA
It’s not definite, but Dad will consider it. Really. He’s got the money, and he
believes in us.
DIVONNE
And if you’re not part of it, we go anyway! Woo-hoo!
Divonne slaps hi-5’s to Cliff and Anna. Cliff and
Anna join in the revelry.
THE GREEN ROOM 41

JOHN
Nice try guys. I know what you’re trying to do. And I know you’re trying to
do it for me.
CLIFF
You’ll miss us.
DIVONNE
And you’ll always wonder what your life could have been.
JOHN
I know. Acting is what I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid.
(MUSIC STARTS)
(pause)
But this might be my chance to make something of myself, guys. Maybe
it’s time for me to grow up.
10. IN THE END

MAMA SAID I'D MAKE A BRIGHT, YOUNG ARCHITECT,

I WAS ALWAYS GREAT AT MATH SHE SAID,
SHE WASN'T DOING WELL WHEN
I CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL TO SAY
ALL HER LITTLE DREAMS FOR ME WERE DEAD.

THEN MY BROTHER FINISHED UP HIS LAW DEGREE,

I SPENT ANOTHER SUMMER ON THE STAGE.
AND THOUGH SHE ALWAYS WONDERED WHY, SHE NEVER
BLINKED AND EYE,
I THINK IF SHE WERE STILL ALIVE, SHE'D SAY.
ALL
IN THE END, YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO,
AND IN THE END, YOU DO WHAT YOU LOVE,
AND IN THE END, YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO,
JOHN
BECAUSE IT'S YOU, IN THE END,
THAT HAS TO LIVE WITH IT.
DIVONNE
DADDY SAID I'D MAKE A DAMN GOOD MOM SOMEDAY,
I JUST NEEDED TIME TO SETTLE DOWN
THE DAY I TOLD HIM, “THAT’S NOT ME.
I DON’T WANT KIDS AT ALL.”
42 THE GREEN ROOM

DIVONNE (CONT’D)
I THINK HE LEFT THE ROOM WITHOUT A SOUND.

ABOUT A YEAR HAS PASSED, HE CALLS FROM TIME TO TIME,

HE ASKS ABOUT THE BOYFRIENDS, NOT THE PLAYS,
AND I DON'T KNOW IF HE WILL EVER REALLY UNDERSTAND,
OR IF HE'LL EVER LOOK AT ME THE SAME.
ALL
BUT IN THE END, YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO,
AND IN THE END, YOU DO WHAT YOU LOVE,
AND IN THE END, YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO,
DIVONNE
BECAUSE IT'S YOU, IN THE END,
THAT HAS TO LIVE WITH IT.
ALL
AND THE FUTURE STANDS BEFORE US LIKE A CHILD,
SCREAMING OUT TO KNOW OUR PLANS,
AND WE ARE UNSURE OF OUR CHANCES,
OVERWHELMED BY HIS DEMANDS,
DIVONNE
BUT IF FROM EVERY CHANGE
YOU TOOK AWAY THE PAIN,
YOU'D NEVER FEEL THINGS CHANGE.
ALL
AND IN THE END, YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO,
AND IN THE END, YOU DO WHAT YOU LOVE,
AND IN THE END, YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO
JOHN
BECAUSE IT'S YOU, IN THE END,
THAT HAS TO LIVE WITH IT
*The following lines are sung simultaneously.

*CLIFF & ANNA

AND IN THE END YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
*JOHN
MAMA SAID I’D MAKE A BRIGHT, YOUNG ARCHITECT.
THE GREEN ROOM 43

*DIVONNE
DADDY SAID I’D MAKE A DAMN GOOD MOM SOMEDAY.
BLACKOUT.
END OF ACT ONE
44 THE GREEN ROOM

ACT TWO

Entrance music.
Three years later. Over “The Green Room”
instrumental are photos of the four going through
college: it reveals the passing of three years.
Snapshots of the four of them growing up, wild
parties, shows they were in, trends they went
through, awards they won.
Lights fade up on Divonne sitting alone onstage
staring at her computer. It’s 1am. She types a few
sentences and then slowly loses steam. She picks
up a page off her stack of unorganized notes and
reads.

DIVONNE
“Hamlet of the 1970’s sitcom, did the question “to be or not to be” stifle
Gilligan’s attempts to get off the island?” Crap. Just crap. I can’t write this
paper.
In sheer frustration, she stands up, looks at her
cell phone. No message! She dials a number!
Clifford, where in the hell are you? You’re destroying my last night in
college...
Cliff and John enter and Divonne snaps her phone
shut.

JOHN
You have ruined my life, Cliff! I could be in my second year as a
professional architect right now. I stayed here for ONE REASON –
because YOUR FATHER said he would give us the money to put up your
play in New York after college. And now you’re saying that might not
happen?
DIVONNE
What are you talking about, John? Cliff’s father already approved the
proposal!
CLIFF
Under one condition, that we all four graduate this Saturday!
JOHN
Your dad is such a douchebag.
CLIFF
My dad is a “self-made” millionaire. If the four of us aren’t responsible
enough to pass our senior year classes, how can we be trusted with our
own production?
THE GREEN ROOM 45

JOHN
And if Cliff and I fail the Theatre History final tomorrow…
CLIFF
We don’t graduate.
DIVONNE
Theater History?! Cliff, did you forget? You need to write this paper for me
tonight.
JOHN
No way, Divonne, he needs to read 679 pages of Theatre History and brief
me by 4 am or I don’t graduate.
DIVONNE
I’ve got a 10 page Modern Theater Methods paper due, AND my acting
jury monologue, AND doing the song for his stupid thesis scene, or I don’t
graduate.
CLIFF
HEY! All four of us have to pass. So we are in this together!
JOHN
(to Cliff)
You told me that if I went to the classes, you would do the reading! And we
would team up to study for the tests!
CLIFF
And?
JOHN
And you didn’t do the reading!
CLIFF
Well, you didn’t attend the classes!
JOHN
Don’t change the subject!
CLIFF
Anna took Theatre History last year. She knows it cold. I just texted her to
bring her notes over to help us study.
DIVONNE
What about me? You were supposed to meet me here at 5 o’clock to
write…
CLIFF
You can write this paper, Divonne. You just need a jump-start. John and I
will spend 5 minutes working out the outline with you, and you’ll be good to
go.
46 THE GREEN ROOM

JOHN
We don’t have time!
CLIFF
Four minutes.
JOHN
All right, I’m keeping time.
John punches the timer on his cell phone and the
music begins.

CLIFF
All right, title.
JOHN
Obscure?
CLIFF
Profound?
JOHN
Radical!
DIVONNE
How about normal?
CLIFF
Succinct.
JOHN
But not pretentious.
CLIFF
Something theatrical.
JOHN
The stage.
(MUSIC STARTS)

CLIFF
Stage left.
JOHN
Destination: Stage Left.
CLIFF
Political! Great!
11. DESTINATION STAGE LEFT
THE GREEN ROOM 47

JOHN
PREMISE.
CLIFF
THE PREMISE IS THAT MAN,
MAKING STATEMENTS WHEN HE CAN,
CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
JOHN
CONFLICT.
CLIFF
NEW PLAYS ARE SELDOM SEEN
AND ALL THEIR AUDIENCES LEAN,
BUT WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
BOTH
RESOLUTION:
THE MASSES MUST BE PLEASED,
KARL MARX MEET SOPHOCLES,
HAROLD PINTER, DOWN ON YOUR KNEES,
DESTINATION, STAGE LEFT.
DIVONNE
(spoken)
Wait a minute! This isn't the paper I was supposed to write.
JOHN
This is brilliant! Everybody knows that modern theatre has been taken over
by eccentric weirdoes.
CLIFF
Just like nations were taken over by the rich elite.
JOHN
The masses need to rise up and take back theatre!
CLIFF
(singing)
THESIS.
JOHN
THE OLD OFF-BROADWAY STAGE
IS NOW A VEHICLE OF RAGE
FOR THE OPPRESSED.
CLIFF
DETAILS!
48 THE GREEN ROOM

JOHN
THE PLAYWRIGHT HAS BECOME
THE JUDGE WHO SEPARATES THE DUMB
FROM THE OBSESSED.
BOTH
ILLUSTRATIONS,
THE MODERN THEATER FLAG,
A COKE-HEAD AND A FAG
TWO MASKS, BOTH DRESSED IN DRAG,
DESTINATION, STAGE LEFT.
CLIFF
THIS TECHNOCRATIC AGE
HAS BROUGHT THESE PEOPLE TO THE STAGE
WE'LL CALL THE FRINGE.
JOHN
THEY WRITE THESE PLAYS TO MOCK US
THEN THEY STAGE THEM JUST TO SHOCK US
'TIL WE CRINGE.
BOTH
SELF-INDULGENCE,
A THEME NO MAN CAN FIND,
A MIME SHOW FOR THE BLIND
AND US IN THE DUST LEFT BEHIND,
DESTINATION, STAGE LEFT.
JOHN
(to Cliff)
SOURCES.
DIVONNE
Unexpectedly, she stands now caught up in the
moment.
NO SOURCES HERE AT ALL,
THE MUSE OF REVOLUTION CALLS
AND I REPLY.
CLIFF
(confused)
FOOTNOTES.
THE GREEN ROOM 49

DIVONNE
THE ONLY ONES YOU'LL SEE
WILL BE WHEN I AM QUOTING ME,
MYSELF AND I.
CLIFF
(accepting the idea quickly)
IT'S A MOVEMENT,
JOHN
AN INEVITABLE QUEST,
CLIFF
JUST LIKE...OUR MOVEMENT WEST
DIVONNE
YES! HEIGH HO!
JOHN
HEIGH HO!
JOHN AND DIVONNE
MANIFEST DESTINY
CLIFF
MANIFEST
ALL
DESTINATION,
STAGE LEFT
DESTINATION
STAGE LEFT.
DIVONNE
ROLL 'EM, ROLL 'EM, ROLL 'EM,
KEEP THEM DOGGIES ROLLIN'
ALL
STAGE LEFT.
DIVONNE
Thanks for the inspiration, boys. I'm gonna hole up in the make-up room
and type until my fingers bleed.
She grabs her notes, her laptop and exits into the
make up room. Cliff grabs his thick Theater History
book and sits on the couch and John sits on the
chair preparing to study.
50 THE GREEN ROOM

CLIFF
(reading from the book)
“Since the dawn of time, Man has yearned to express himself and
expose…”
JOHN
Just give me the Clift notes….
Anna enters carrying her huge binder of theater
history notes. She looks tired and stressed. John
and Cliff jump up to greet her.

ANNA
Hey, guys, I brought my notes…Cliff…
CLIFF
Anna, thank God you’re still up. We have a 911. We need you to teach us
2000 years of Theatre History in four hours. I know you’re going to say I’m
---
ANNA
(she talks a little like she’s on valium)
Cliff, can I talk to you in private?
CLIFF
There’s nothing John can’t hear.
ANNA
It’s about your play…
JOHN
The play is in great shape, it’s theatre history we’re worried about.
ANNA
Cliff, I can’t be in your show. I’ve thought long and hard about it. I can’t
perform in front of 100’s of strangers with nothing on but a leather strap.
JOHN
Why not?
ANNA
It’s degrading to women.
CLIFF
No, it’s not. You’re the dominatrix. That’s the joke. We’ve been through this
–
ANNA
Okay then it’s - it’s because I’m embarrassed about my body. It’s too
skimpy…
THE GREEN ROOM 51

JOHN
It’s no more revealing than a swim suit.
ANNA
Look. I just can’t do it. It’s not me.
CLIFF
You’re an actress. Act like it’s you.
ANNA
Cliff, I’m sorry. I’ve never felt this way before. I’m horrified. I can’t sleep, I
can’t eat. My … my answer is no.
CLIFF
Anna Kearns, you are not going to do this to me.
ANNA
I’m so sorry, Cliff.
JOHN
Anna, sorry doesn’t cut it. Our lives are on the line.
ANNA
Just find a replacement.
CLIFF
You know full well that if you’re not in this play, Dad doesn’t write the check
to the producer. Anna, you’re doing the show, that’s final. John and I are
about to fail out of college. Can you please, please, please help us catch
up on Theatre History.
JOHN
If you don’t fill in Cliff and I, we’re doomed to fail the class.
ANNA
And not graduate.
CLIFF
Right.
ANNA
Ooo. Now that would be awful, wouldn’t it?
CLIFF
What are you thinking … don’t do this Anna.
ANNA
I would help, but I’m just so sleepy….
CLIFF
Anna! You HAVE to help us. This is serious.
52 THE GREEN ROOM

ANNA
I haven’t slept in 3 days Cliff, because of you and your stupid show! I’m
going back to my dorm. You boys are on your own!
She leaves quickly with her theater history notes
clutched in her hands. John and Cliff are
flabbergasted.

JOHN
This is sabotage!
CLIFF
I always knew Anna was a head case, but…
JOHN
We have to get her back here and make her make us study!
CLIFF
Let’s go.
They bolt out of the door. Divonne enters from the
make up room carrying her laptop computer.

DIVONNE
Cliff, I’m on page 3 of my masterpiece, you are a genius.
She notices the green room is empty.
Maybe they went out for some snacks…Well, since it’s quiet in here let me
try my auditions monologue.
She puts her laptop down on a table. Divonne
removes a script from her book bag and gives it
one final glance.
I hope I can do this final monologue from memory.
She does an elaborate routine to get into
character: clearing throat, fixing her body posture,
she stands center stage as if at a formal audition.
(NOTE: Director and Actress free to substitute any
public domain monologue if desired.)
Good morning, my name is Divonne Bruder and I’m doing a monologue
from “New Year’s Eve”.

I don't wear my wedding ring all the time. I mean -- not if I'm gardening, or
doing dishes, or going to a party where there are a bunch of cute guys. I
don't see any problem with that. You can't get hung up on these things. I
don't sleep around. I just like to be the starring role in a lot of fantasies.
The other day my best friend called me a flirt. And this was just because I
made the boy at the valet parking lot reach in my pocket for his tip. Give
her a break. She's catholic.
THE GREEN ROOM 53

DIVONNE (CONT’D)
So, a week later,
She stumbles on the line.
So, a week later…then…then…
She throws her hands up in the air, breaking
character and grabs the script.
God damn it! This monologue sucks! My final week in college, and here I’m
still trying to prove to everyone I’m good enough. I came here to study
acting, and I haven’t got a lead in a single play! It’s just unfair.
(MUSIC STARTS)
Oh, well, maybe I didn’t get the leads – but I got the important parts.
12. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME

THE BIG SOUND OF MUSIC AUDITIONS HAD COME,

I SANG BOTH MY SONGS, HAD THEM UNDER MY THUMB,
I TOLD THEM I HAD MY HEART SET ON MARIA,
IF I GOT THE BARONESS, I MIGHT SAY, "SEE 'YA"
SOON UP WENT THE LIST ON THE CALL BOARD UPSTAIRS,
I LOOKED FOR MY NAME, AND I SAW IT RIGHT THERE,
IT SAID NUN #7.
(spoken)
Nun number 7!
(sung)
I WENT TO THE LIBRARY, STUDIED THE SCORE,
I FOUND MY THREE LINES, COULDN’T FIND ANY MORE
THEN I REALIZED THE NAZI'S BLACK CAR REPRESENTS
THE WHOLE THEME OF DECEIT, THEN THE STORY GETS TENSE,
THAT CAR IS WHAT THEY MUST DRIVE OFF IN THE END,
AND THIS IS SIGNIFICANT, NO ONE BEFRIENDS THEM,
THE JOKE'S ON THE NAZIS, THE NUNS ARE ALL LIARS,
AND I PLAY THE NUN WHO STEALS THE DISTRIBUTOR WIRES,

SO WHO'S THIS MARIA,

STAND BACK, MISS MARIA!
WHAT'S THAT!
WHO'S SHE!
IT'S ALL ABOUT ME.
54 THE GREEN ROOM

DIVONNE (CONT’D)
IN FALL I GOT BRAVE AND AUDITIONED AGAIN
FOR A STAGE ADAPTATION OF GONE WITH THE WIND
I TOLD THEM HOW NATURALLY SOUTHERN I AM
THEY SAID, "MY DEAR, FRANKLY, WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN,
BUT WE DO NEED A GIRL TO WEAR BLACKFACE AND PLAY
IN A WALK-ON AS SCARLET'S YOUNG MIDWIFE AND SLAVE
AND HELP BIRTHING HER BABIES."
(spoken)
I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies!
WELL, MAD AS I WAS, I PERUSED THROUGH THE SCRIPT,
I WAS THINKING THAT, ONCE AGAIN, I HAD BEEN GYPED,
THEN I REALIZED ONE THING THAT I HADN'T BEFORE,
THEIR CHILD WAS SYMBOLIC OF THE WHOLE CIVIL WAR,
HER BIRTH WAS THE BIRTH OF THE SOUTHERN PLANTATION,
AND WHEN SHE FALLS OFF HER HORSE, SO DOES THE NATION,
THAT KID WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN BORN
IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE ME.

SO WHO'S MISS O'HARA,

WHO CARES ABOUT TARA,
WHAT'S THAT!
WHO'S SHE!
IT'S ALL ABOUT ME.
(Texan accent)
WHEN WE DID THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS,
TELL ME WHY DID THE AUDIENCE ROAR,
NOW BE ANALYTICAL,
MY PART WAS CRITICAL,
WHAT'S A WHOREHOUSE WITH NO WHORES?

I WORE PANTS IN OUR TOWN AND PLAYED THE TOWN DRUNK,

WITHOUT ME THAT BORING OLD PLAY WOULD HAVE STUNK,
NEXT
WE DIDI PLAYED
“JOAN OFHELEN OF TROY’S
ARC,” AND I SERVEDLONG
THAT LOST DAUGHTER,
GIRL CIDER
BUT I WASN’T
IF SHE CRYIN’
HADN'T DIED,WHEN MY
BABY, BOYS FRECH-FRIED
I WOULD HAVE SHOT‘ERHER,
I TRIED OUT FOR MOUSETRAP, THEY MADE ME THE MOUSE,
IN WIZARD OF OZ, I PLAYED DOROTHY'S OLD HOUSE,
BUT WHAT IF I HADN'T BEEN THERE TO KILL THAT FRICKING WITCH.
THE GREEN ROOM 55

DIVONNE (CONT’D)
SO WHO’S LITTLE DOROTHY,
KISS THIS, LITTLE DOROTHY,
WHAT'S THAT!
WHO'S SHE!
IT'S ALL ABOUT ME
IT'S ALL ABOUT ME
IT'S ALL ABOUT ME.
A reluctant Anna enters being shoved along by
Cliff and John who enter behind her.

ANNA
I told you guys, I’m too tired to study.
CLIFF
Fine, don’t help us study, but we have to rehearse the song for my thesis.
DIVONNE
Oh, my god, I forgot we have to perform the song from your show for your
evaluation tomorrow.
CLIFF
Thank you, Divonne, for having more consideration for whether I graduate
than my own sister.
ANNA
You didn’t go to class or read the book! It’s not MY fault.
DIVONNE
Why won’t you help them study, Anna?
JOHN
Anna has a devious plan, Divonne. She doesn’t want to wear the leather
outfit in the play, so she’s trying to sabotage the whole thing by refusing to
help us study.
DIVONNE
If you ruin my chances to get to New York, Anna, I’ll kill you.
ANNA
Let’s just do the song before I fall asleep.
JOHN
Okay, let’s do it. Cliff, do that cute little introduction.
CLIFF
Ladies and Gentlemen of the committee, we’re now going to present the
act 2 opener of my musical “Don Juan: the College Years.”
56 THE GREEN ROOM

JOHN
I’m John Radford and I’m playing Don Juan.
DIVONNE
I’m Divonne Bruder and I’m playing Elvire.
ANNA
(monotone)
I’m Anna Kearns, I’m the sorority girl who becomes the dominatrix queen.
She shoots Cliff a dirty look.

CLIFF
And I’m Cliff Kearns, I play Gussman, Don Juan’s best friend. And party
girl #3.
(MUSIC STARTS)
13. THE GOOD-LOOKING GIRLS

JOHN
I CAME LATE,
WITH NO DATE,
TO A
PARTY, MY
FRIEND SAID,
CLIFF
“GUY, YOU JUST MISSED THIS BLONDE”
JOHN
I KNOW.
THE GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS ARE ALL GONE.
ONE GIRL CAME
SAID MY NAME
MY HEAD
TURNED, SHE MOANED,
DIVONNE
(in ugly woman’s voice)
“WE’RE ALONE!”
JOHN
I SAID, WITH A YAWN,
“I KNOW.
THE GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS ARE ALL GONE.”
ANNA, CLIFF & DIVONNE
GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS ARE ALL GONE
THE GREEN ROOM 57

JOHN
THOUGH I HAD THESE RESERVATIONS,
WE KEPT MAKING CONVERSATION,
SHE SAID,
DIVONNE
(in ugly woman’s voice)
“MY SIS TOOK
WHAT I LOOK
BEST IN.”
JOHN
“BABY YOU
WOULDN’T DO
DRESSED IN PINK CHIFFON,
NO, NO.
THE GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS ARE ALL GONE.”
ANNA, CLIFF & DIONNE
GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS ARE ALL GONE
JOHN
ONE NICE DAME
FINALLY CAME
AT THREE
WHAT A SIGHT
BUT LOOKING RIGHT
AT ME
SHE EXCLAIMED,
ANNA
OH, NO.
THE GOOD-LOOKIN’ GUYS ARE ALL GONE.”
DIVONNE & CLIFF
GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS ARE ALL GONE
ANNA
THE GUYS ARE ALL GONE.
JOHN
SO I JUST SAT DOWN AND CRIED
AND CONTEMPLATED SUICIDE,
BUT YOU KNOW
58 THE GREEN ROOM

ALL
HOW I’LL GO
THERE’S JUST NO
TELLING,
FROM A TALL
BRIDGE I’LL FALL,
YELLING OUT,
“GERONIMO,
THE GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS ARE ALL GONE.”

ON THAT DAY
SO THEY SAY
WHEN WE
DIE WE’LL GO
TO HEAVEN, BUT I KNOW
THAT ALL THE GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS
WILL BE HUGGIN’ SOME GUY,
SAINT PETER WILL BE SITTIN’ THERE
SHRUGGIN’, AND I’LL SAY, NO
I KNOW
THE GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS ARE ALL GONE,
THE GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS ARE ALL
GOOD-LOOKIN’ GIRLS, GONE.
Anna drops on the couch in exhaustion. John
moves to the couch.

JOHN
You poor, little thing. I’m going to take you over to the cozy, all-night coffee
house and buy you a triple espresso latte.
John picks her up and carries her to the door and
she weakly protests.

ANNA
John…
CLIFF
Wake that traitor up!
John exits carrying Anna.

DIVONNE
Hey, thanks for giving me a jump-start on my paper. I would have failed if it
weren’t for you.
THE GREEN ROOM 59

CLIFF
Divonne, did you ever like me?
DIVONNE
Where did THAT come from?
CLIFF
This New York thing has me all frazzled…What if we fail?
DIVONNE
Cliff, those are the nightmares you have to suffocate. You’re a great writer
and I believe in you.
CLIFF
I believe in you, too, but…
DIVONNE
We’re going to make it, Cliff, together.
CLIFF
I know we are, but I always thought we’d make it together, together.
DIVONNE
Oh, Cliff, honey…
CLIFF
We’re all going to share an apartment in New York, and the fact is, I still
love you. I haven’t been with anyone since you, and I’m afraid I’ll never find
someone to love me again.
DIVONNE
Yes, you will, Cliff. You’re not that dork you used to be when you were a
freshman. You’re a writer now. You’re cute, you’re sensitive…
CLIFF
But not the kind of guy someone will fall in love with.
(MUSIC STARTS)

DIVONNE
Yes, they will.
CLIFF
How do you know that?
DIVONNE
I don’t know but if I were writing our script, everything would just fall into
place and happy endings would be easy.
14. IT COMES EASY
LOVE TURNS RED IN THE SUN
60 THE GREEN ROOM

DIVONNE (CONT’D)
DOESN’T SPOIL ANYONE
CLIFF
TURNS YOU ‘ROUND
LEADS YOU ON
DIVONNE
BUT WHEN IT COMES
IT COMES EASY
IT COMES EASY

LOVE TOLD YOU ROLL AGAIN

BUT YOU WON’T MOVE, YOU WON’T BEND
CLIFF
DRAGS YOU DOWN
KICKS YOU ‘ROUND
DIVONNE
BUT THEN IT COMES
AND IT COMES EASY
IT COMES EASY

NOW IF YOU EVER FALL APART,

I’M HERE
I CAN MAKE SOME OF YOUR PAIN DISAPPEAR
JUST DON’T TRY TO MAKE ME START
AGAIN
I’M YOU’RE FRIEND
I CAN’T LET YOU STAY
CAUGHT UP ON SOMEDAY
DIVONNE AND CLIFF
LOVE’S NOT DEAF AND SHE AIN’T BLIND
SHE KNOWS YOU’RE DYING, BUT SHE STILL TAKES HER TIME
AND YOU’LL BELIEVE
THERE’S NO RELIEF
BUT WHEN IT COMES
IT COMES EASY
IT COMES EASY
DIVONNE
WHEN IT COMES
IT COMES EASY
THE GREEN ROOM 61

DIVONNE (CONT’D)
IT COMES EASY
CLIFF
EASY?
DIVONNE
YEAH.
Divonne and Cliff embrace. John and Anna enter
with 4 cups of coffee. Anna is hopped up on
caffeine.

JOHN
So. How is that paper coming?
DIVONNE
I’m almost done!
JOHN
Hey guys, Anna has a proposal….
ANNA
That’s right. I’ll help you guys study theater history IF you let me design my
own costume for your play.
CLIFF
Anna, nobody in New York knows us! Sex sells. You’re wearing it in the
picture on the postcard.
ANNA
What? No, I’m not. What postcard?
JOHN
Nothing!
DIVONNE
We photoshopped your head onto someone else’s body.
ANNA
You what?
JOHN
Anna, either way, you’ve got to do it!
DIVONNE
Anna, do you want to be an actress or not?
ANNA
I do, but…
62 THE GREEN ROOM

DIVONNE
Let me tell you about being a New York actress. It’s gritty and raw. It’s not
about being cute and pretty and getting the final bow.
ANNA
You said you weren’t jealous of me.
DIVONNE
Jealous? Jealous of you who never had to work for anything? Hardly, I feel
sorry for you, Anna.
CLIFF
You don’t have the courage.
DIVONNE
You’re always tip-toeing around the department playing prim and proper,
and I’ve had it.
ANNA
I’m an actress and you want me to be a stripper…
JOHN
No, we want you to play the part you agreed to.
ANNA
I can’t believe my own boyfriend wants me to look like a whore!
JOHN
I can’t believe my own girlfriend is going to let me fail out of college.
ANNA
You’re all ganging up on me.

DIVONNE
God, you’re so selfish! I’ll take these notes of yours and I’ll stay up all night
if I have to helping them to pass. Come on, guys, let’s go to the lounge.
She grabs the notes and moves to the door
followed by Cliff and John. John turns back to
Anna.

JOHN
It’s strange how you can be with someone for 3 years and find out they
don’t care about you.
John shuts the door.
(Ballad MUSIC STARTS)

ANNA
No. NO! NO! NO! I’m not going to sing a ballad!
THE GREEN ROOM 63

(Ballad music ends abruptly)

(MUSIC STARTS)

ANNA (CONT’D)
Shit. There, I said it. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I can't take it anymore!
15. I WANNA GO TO EXTREMES
I’M SICK OF BEING A STRAIGHT-LACED PRUDE
I WONDER HOW I’D BE ONCE I DOWNED A FEW,
I WANNA GO TO EXTREMES.
She grabs a can of beer, twirls it in the air as if
she’s cool, and catches it; she then cracks it open
and it sprays everywhere; she quickly throws it
into the garbage.
I WANNA BE WILD, AND SMOOTH AND COOL,
LET’S SMOKE A BOING. AND ROLL A SCOOBIE–DOO
I WANNA GO TO EXTREMES.

I’LL GO TO A PLACE I'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE,

AND SOMEHOW I'LL FIND FREEDOM
IF I CAN HOLD ON TO THIS FANTASY THAT FAR.

I’M GONNA ANSWER WHEN DANGER CALLS

LIKE SARAH WHEN SHE DRINKS RUM IN GUYS AND DOLLS
I WANNA GO TO EXTREMES.

I’M JUST A GIRL WHO CAIN’T SAY NO TO WILL.

I’M HEADIN’ DOWN TO THE FOOTBRIDGE WITH HAROLD HILL
I WANNA GO TO EXTREMES.

I’LL DRIVE OVER 65 IN A 55 ZONE

AND SCREAM THAT LIFE’S WORTH LIVING
AND BLOW OFF THE NEXT OIL CHANGE IN MY CAR
Anna goes into the make up room and slams the
door behind her. Divonne enters on the heels of
Anna slamming the door and runs to it worried.
She knocks on the door.

DIVONNE
Anna, are you okay? I’m sorry for saying those mean things.
She bangs on the door.
64 THE GREEN ROOM

Anna should come in with her next line as soon as

possible whenever she is done done changing
regardless of where Divonne is in the following
speech.

DIVONNE (CONT’D)
It’s just that this play is our first foray into the real world – nobody to hold
us back or tell us it can’t be done. No more waiting in the green room for
two hours for a chance to get on stage and deliver three lines. No more
Doc Peterson with his stink-breathe saying, “Less is more, Ms. Bruder.
Less is more.” Less isn’t more. More is more and I’m going to get it in New
York!
Divonne cuts this monologue off as soon as Anna
says her next line, signaling that she has finished
her costume change.

ANNA
(loudly)
Would you shut up, Divonne?!
(pause)
I’m putting on the stupid costume.
Divonne’s worried expression abruptly turns to
excitement.

DIVONNE
I hope it fits.
Divonne runs off. Anna comes out dressed in the
skimpy leather costume with an open black robe
on over it.

ANNA
I’LL BE YOUR SWEET DOMINATRIX QUEEN
I BETTER ASK SOMEONE WHAT DOMINATRIX MEANS…..
NO!
I WANNA GO TO EXTREMES.

I’M ON A STREETCAR THAT’S NAMED DESIRE

THE POLISHGOT
IF YOU’VE SAUSAGE ALWAYSSAUSAGE,
THE POLISH FINDS THE I’VE
FIREGOT THE FIRE
I’M HOT, I WANNA GO TO EXTREMES.

THERE ARE WORLDS I’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE

AND I’M READY NOW TO SEE THEM
AND NOTHING’S GONNA STOP ME FROM MY DREAMS!
I’M GONNA GO TO EXTREMES.
THE GREEN ROOM 65

After applause has crested, Divonne enters

followed by John and Cliff. They stand at the
doorway and see Anna in her outfit. Then they
rush to circle around Anna as they cheer and slap
high-fives.

ANNA (CONT’D)
I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it!
(pause)
I’m going to put some clothes on.
Anna rushes into the make up room.

CLIFF
Oh my god, she had me scared.
JOHN
I’m liking the leather Anna.
DIVONNE
So am I! Just kidding.
CLIFF
Okay, guys, let’s focus. Anna’s the queen of theater history.
JOHN
At least we have a prayer.
Anna enters dressed in what she had on earlier in
the scene.

ANNA
Who wants to learn theater history?
JOHN
I do!
CLIFF
Me!
DIVONNE
Good, I can finish my paper!
Divonne sits down and begins to type on her
laptop. Anna opens her notes. Cliff and John pull
out notebooks and pens.

ANNA
Okay, guys, here’s the secret. The test is all essay. You’ve been in plays
the past four years. You can survive this final as long as you know where
those fit in the theater time line. Greek drama?
66 THE GREEN ROOM

CLIFF
“Antigone.”
JOHN
But what makes it different?
ANNA
What role did Divonne play?
John and Cliff stare at each other blankly.

DIVONNE
(after a pause, flatly)
The Chorus.
JOHN
That’s right. It’s narrated by a Greek Chorus.
CLIFF
And the main character always has a tragic flaw.
ANNA
The Greeks invented tragedy and comedy. Restoration comedy?
CLIFF
Moliere.
JOHN
“Tartuffe”. Guys chasing woman around in scanty clothes.
CLIFF
Double-entendre.
ANNA
Modern American Drama. John you did “Streetcar” in high school, and Cliff
you did “Picnic” last year.
CLIFF
Bomber!
DIVONNE
You were great in that.
JOHN
Fatalistic, dysfunctional people.
CLIFF
Realistic dialogue.
ANNA
All started by Ibsen…
THE GREEN ROOM 67

JOHN
Oh, yeah! “Doll’s House” long, wordy, boring.
ANNA
Perfect!
CLIFF
John, we know these plays word for word. We’ll be alright.
JOHN
I guess I did learn something in this college, but I learned it here.
DIVONNE
You aren’t going to get A’s, but you’ll pass!
ANNA
Concentrate on your paper!
DIVONNE
Done!
She hits “save” and closes her computer.
I’m done with the paper, with classes and with college.
ANNA
Don’t forget your “Auditions” monologue tomorrow.
DIVONNE
That's not an ending, it's a beginning. It's the first in the string of a million
auditions on my way to Broadway.
JOHN
Our lives are about to become a bunch of auditions.
CLIFF
No way. Life is a bunch of moments, if it's anything. Not years, not weeks,
not even days. It's moments, lined up like -- dominoes; as soon as one
falls, its gone, and it keeps pushing you right into the next. Like now, this is
our last collegiate all-nighter.
ANNA
When I think of college, I'll think of this place -- this space -- in the dungeon
of the theatre building.
DIVONNE
Yeah, but you can't, Anna. You flip off the lights, and leave. This is the start
of our whole lives.
Divonne gets 4 bottles of beer and they toast on
Cliff’s line.
68 THE GREEN ROOM

CLIFF
Divonne’s right. Here’s to New York! To us! Our future as actors. This has
just been a dress rehearsal.
JOHN
Yeah. I’m going to prove to my dad that I can make a living acting.
ANNA
I want to pick up everything and take it with me, every costume, prop,
script.
DIVONNE
I want to be free of this place. I feel like I’ve been standing backstage
waiting for the curtain to go up! I’m ready to take the world by storm and
make something happen.
CLIFF
I just want to be here, right now. Take it all in while we've got it. Who
knows, maybe I’ll write a play about this place … and call it “The Green
Room”.
(MUSIC STARTS)
Lights dim; the next series of statements are said
at the same time, out to the audience, but each
actor should start at a different time and end at a
different time so that the last actor's last line trails
off into the emptiness of the house.

DIVONNE
All I want is to be on the stage. All in the world I want is to feel that heat of
the lights on my face. I want to lose myself in it, lose all this shit about who
I am, and become someone else, some character who's much stronger
than me, someone who can live with herself. All I want to do is act.
CLIFF
All I want to do is not stagnate. All I want is to not become 50 and look
back and wonder what the hell I've done with a half a century. All I want is
to look time in the eye every day so he knows I'm onto him. And I want to
write so I can stop time dead in his tracks. All I want to do is act.
ANNA
All in the world I want to do is use what I've learned. All I want is to express
something, anything. That's all I want to do -- express emotion, love,
anger, sympathy, lust, fear, all I want to do is to show people they're
human, and make them feel human. All I want to do is act.
JOHN
All I want is for people to see me and know who I am. I want to get to know
them, just by listening to when they laugh, and when they're quiet. All I
THE GREEN ROOM 69

JOHN (CONT’D)
want is for people to respond to me, I want to feel their reactions, and
move and change with the mood of the room. All I want to do is act.
16. WAITING IN THE WINGS

ALL
IF IT TAKES A LIFETIME
WAITING IN THE WINGS
JUST TO BRING AN HOUR
OF LIFETIME TO LIFE,
DIVONNE
THEN I'LL GIVE ONE LIFETIME,
JOHN
NOTHING MORE THAN THAT,
ANNA AND CLIFF
NOTHING LESS THAN ALL I HAVE TO GIVE,
DIVONNE
I CAN SEE THE STAGE LIGHTS,
WAITING IN THE WINGS,
WHEN THEY MAKE THE STAGE BRIGHT,
IT DANCES AND SINGS.
CLIFF AND JOHN
I CAN SEE FOREVER
WAITING IN THE WINGS,
JOHN
I CAN SEE A PLACE WHERE ROSES GROW
WITHOUT SUNLIGHT,
CLIFF
I CAN SEE A SKY WHERE RAIN COMES DOWN
EVEN WITHOUT CLOUDS.
ANNA
AND I KNOW I'M SAFE THERE,
WAITING IN THE WINGS,
WHEN I'M OUT IN LIFE HERE,
ANNA DIVONNE
THEN EVERY MOVE I MAKE EVERY MOVE I MAKE,
COULD BE MY BIG MISTAKE, THIS COULD BE MY BREAK,
AND WHAT IF THEY DON'T LIKE ME
70 THE GREEN ROOM

ALL
DAMN IT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.
*The following four lines are sung simultaneously.

*CLIFF
ARE YOU OUT THERE?
YOU AREN’T LAUGHING, YOU AREN’T CRYING,
IN THE END YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO
*DIVONNE
BUT IN THE END YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO
AND IN THE END YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO
*ANNA
COME ON IN TO MY WORLD YOU’LL SEE
IN THE END YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO
*JOHN
AND THEN THE DAY WILL COME YOU’LL RUN
AND WONDER WHERE IS YOUR YOUTH?
IN THE END YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO
All four step forward off the stage, or at least to the
downstage edge, and look directly out into the
house, seemingly breaking the fourth wall.
Suddenly the emphasis has turned to each
character’s relationship to the audience - to all
audiences. The house lights are raised, but just a
very subtle amount.

ALL
WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, NOW?
WHAT IS IT YOU NEED?
CAN WE MAKE YOU FEEL IT?
House lights go back out; the actors the step back
on the stage.
CAN WE MAKE THIS REAL?
THIS WORLD, THIS ROOM,
THIS FEELING,
WAITING IN THE WINGS,
WAITING IN THE WINGS,
WAITING,
WAITING IN THE WINGS.

CURTAIN