Bring Food.

Arri v e Naked.
Romance with Attitude

Greg Godek
“A quantum leap from the author of
“1001 Ways to Be Romantic”
~ Jim Smith
 GREG GO D E K 1

Bring Food. Arrive Naked.

Romance With Attitude.

GG odek odek

From the author of the #1 besrseller

1001 Ways to be Romantic
2 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

All rights reserved. All of them. Period.

Copyright c 2010
By Greg Godek

Title by Doug Wheeler

Design by Mary-Lynne Bohn
Ideas by Greg Godek

Trademarks of Greg Godek:

Bring Food. Arrive Naked.
1001 Ways To Be Romantic
Romance 2.0

Your Secret Code Number: 21420101001

 GREG GO D E K 3

BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED. is a romantic manifesto.

It boldly claims that romance—real romance—

is the answer to most relationship problems.

Forget therapy. Forget “communicating.” Forget

the so-called Battle of the Sexes . . .

. . . JUST BE ROMANTIC.

What’s new is Greg’s updating of old-fashioned

romance into “Radical Romance”—love

expressed with a creative edge—couplehood

lived with deep passion—the artful fusion of the

youthful and the mature—all handled with a

sense of humor and grace.

 4 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Table of Contents
Most Relationships Suck. This Is Not an Acceptable
Excuse for Yours to Suck Too. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
Bring Food. Arrive Naked . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Bring Food. Arrive Naked. (Part 2.). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
But Is Romance Cool? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Warp Factor 2. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
Valentine’s Day Revisited. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Don’t Be Romantic ALL the Time. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
Don’t Boil Your Frog . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
Freud on Romance. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10
Plagiarize. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
Valentine’s Day Made Easy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
Be a Fool for Love. But Don’t Be
a Flaming Idiot for Love. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
God Wants You to Be Romantic. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
Grow Up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
Don’t Grow Up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
Cupid and Santa Walk Into a Bar. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
Every Man Is Moe.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
Cooties are Real. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
There’s Love, Money and Power. Choose One. . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
Be Reckless With Your Heart. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Never Give Flowers. (Like a Normal Person.). . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
Opposites Attract . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
Framing. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
Time Is Money. Not.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30
 GREG GO D E K 5

Do You Have Twenty Years of Experience—Or One

Year of Experience Repeated Twenty Times? . . . . . . . . . . 31
Real Men Ask for Directions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
At the Intersection of Erotic and Ticklish. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
All You Need Is Love. (And Money.) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
Human Nature Will Trump Theory Every Time. . . . . . . . . . . . 35
Death By Chocolate. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
Musings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
Love Takes “Work” But It’s Not Work.
Love Is “Playful” But It’s Not Play. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
The Formula . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40
Romance Resides at the Intersection of
Love, Sex and Fun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
A Note from the Author .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43

And there you go! Nearly half of the entire book—for free!
Such a deal! We’ll drop you a note when Greg finishes it.
(We expect it later this summer.)

And here’s a preview of the rest of the book—coming soon!

Roses = Sex. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44
Love. It’s Not Rocket Science. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58
Love. It’s Not Rocket Science. But It IS Brain Surgery . . . . . . 59
Love Is a Sport . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60
People Unclear On the Concept . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
Stories. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
More Stories. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
 6 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Valenine’s Day Made Easy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44

Q&A. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45
Monogamy, Not Monotony. (Part 1). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
Monogamy, Not Monotony. (Part 2). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Hopeless and Incurable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
Romance 2.0. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49
Do Not Disturb. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
Actions Speak About as Loudly as Words . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51
Romantics Versus Scientists . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
Love Is Like a Jig-Saw Puzzle.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
The Cynics Are Right. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56
Through the Eyes of a Child. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
Love Is Like a Car . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
Little Things Mean Most Everything.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 64
Don’t Compromise. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 66
Rants. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
Relationship Experiment #1: Give Without Taking. . . . . . . . . 68
Relationship Experiment #2: Judge Not. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
Relationship Experiment #3: Fake It ’Til You Make It. . . . . . . 70
Relationship Experiment #4: Shoot Your TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71
Relationship Experiment #5: Slow Down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72
Love Is a Marathon.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73
How Many Romantics Does It Take to
Screw In a Lightbulb? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74
Create Romantic Moments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75
The Problem with Valentine’s Day. (Part 1.) . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76
The Problem with Valentine’s Day. (Part 2.) . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
The Problem with Valentine’s Day. (Part 3.) . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78
Bring Food. Arrive . . . “Dressed-Up.” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79
If It Were Easy It Wouldn’t Be an Adventure. . . . . . . . . . . . . 84
Sweat the Small Stuff. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85
 GREG GO D E K 7

About the Author.

G regory Godek is a relationship expert who

specializes in romantic love. He is the
author of 12 books, including 1001 Ways
To Be Romantic, a #1 national bestseller, and the
bestselling book of all time on the topic.

Dedication.

K aryn Lynn Godek . . . my best friend, my lover,

my soul mate, my cheerleader, my partner, my
inspiration, my wife. Who has more fun than
we do?? NOBODY!
8 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Romance is the answer to most

relationship problems. Period.

You gotta keep your sense of humor—or romance is impossible

and long-term love is improbable.

Ordinary people can have extraordinary romance.

 GREG GO D E K 1

Most Relationships Suck.

This is Not an Acceptable Excuse
for Yours to Suck Too.

D on’t look at me that way. We all know that most rela-

tionships suck. Just because it’s not politically correct to
say so doesn’t make it less true. Look around—at your
family and friends and culture—and ask this question: “Whose
relationship would I like to emulate?” When I ask this question
in seminars of a thousand people, an uneasy silence settles over
the room.
Look around—most couples’ relationships are average/sta-
tus quo/boring. (You might say many things about us roman-
tics—we’re idealistic, starry-eyed, a little crazy—but at least
we’re not boring.) Boring is the last thing you want to be. Being
stuck in a boring relationship is a prison sentence. Some people
would say, “Tsk, tsk, what a s h a m e. That’s so sad.” Let’s get
real: It’s not “sad”—it’s not a “shame”—it sucks. The fact is most
relationships suck. You might feel that this is bad/disheartening
news. I would suggest that it is irrelevant news. What does this
have to do with you? Nothing! You want your relationship to be
at the far end of the Bell Curve—where the few high achievers
are—where the successful, happy, romantic couples are.
 2 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

The cynics latch onto the fact that there are so few
great/romantic relationships and they conclude that it’s impossi-
ble for the average person—for you—to have one. And further,
that it’s foolish to even attempt the feat. Cynicism is the ration-
alization of jealous underachievers. Don’t let the cult of medioc-
rity cheat you out of the relationship you deserve.
 GREG GO D E K 3

Bring Food. Arrive Naked.

T here may be a man who would not be gaga if his lover

appeared at the door in this manner, but in twenty-five
years of teaching Romance Seminars, I’ve never met one.
And while this advice will certainly work for singles, it is
really intended for marrieds. I understand from watching Friends
and Sex and the City that this kind of behavior is commonplace
in the singles world. It’s here among the veteran marrieds that
these kinds of antics are lacking/desired/needed/fantasized
about.
Food Note: Anything fancier than a pizza is unnecessary.
Garment Note: High heels are allowed.
 4 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Bring Food. Arrive Naked.

(Part 2.)

I try. I really do. I try to find romantic ideas that are specif-
ically for one gender and not the other. You know,
Mars/Venus and all that crap. But ninety-nine percent of
all romantic gestures work equally well, regardless of which
gender is giving or receiving.
I’d long thought that this idea [bringing food, and arriving
naked] was really a guy thing. Because when I suggest it in sem-
inars, the guys hoot and holler and stamp their feet. But then
after the seminar, women would take me by the elbow and con-
fide: “It would drive me wild if my guy did this for me! Give me
a man in a trench coat with a plate of Godiva chocolates, over a
guy in a tuxedo with flowers any day!”
Go figure.
 GREG GO D E K 5

(Your Secret Code Number is at the bottom of the

copyright page of this eBook. This will give you access to the
Special Deal we’ve cooked-up for you for later in the year
on www.1001WaysToBeRomantic.com. Shhh!)
 6 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Warp Factor 2.

T he speed of love is 1.7 miles per hour—that’s the speed of

a slow walk. The speed of romance, on the other hand, is
warp factor 2—that’s two times the speed of light.
Love is slow.
Love takes its time.
Love saunters.
Romance is fast. Romance is breathless. Romance races
along, playing tag with its lover, waiting breathlessly, then bolt-
ing forward with a surge of passionate energy.
 GREG GO D E K 7

Valentine’s Day Revisited.

W ould you like to sign our petition? We’re trying

to collect a million signatures in an effort to cre-
ate a national holiday devoted to love.
You say we already have Valentine’s Day? Well, we hate to
be argumentative, but Valentine’s Day isn’t really a “holiday,”
now, is it? (In our dictionary, a “holiday” is defined as “a festive
time of no work; an officially sanctioned day of leisure and
pleasure, usually devoted to a specific concept or celebration.”)
We believe that Valentine’s day is, at best, a pseudo-holi-
day. Something that our culture pays lip-service to, but that we
don’t really take seriously. You know, like those other “holidays”
such as Flag Day, Arbor Day and Ground Hog Day.
We believe that since most people hold “love” to be their
highest value, there should be a special day of recognition
devoted to it. You know, the way people value over-eating on
Thanksgiving; and the way we pay homage to shopping on
Christmas; and the way we celebrate explosives on the Fourth of
July. Love should rank right up there, don’t you think?!?
So please consider signing our petition. You just might help
change the world.
 8 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Don’t Be Romantic ALL the Time.

Y ou’ve certainly heard the phrase “Too much of a good

thing.” Well believe it or not, it applies to romance, too.
Yes, it is possible to be too romantic.
Here’s why: If you’re romantic all the time it becomes
expected, predictable and boring.
What should you do? Be romantic--but don’t fall into pre-
dictable patterns or common routines.
Don’t believe me? Go ask the behavioral psychologists.
They call it “intermittent reinforcement.” Huh?!? “Intermittent
reinforcement.” The PhD’s who study these things have shown
that occasional rewards--“intermittent reinforcement”--is more
effective than either consistent rewards or no rewards at all.
Who knew??
 GREG GO D E K 9

Don’t Boil Your Frog.*

T Why does romance fade away from most relationships

over time?

Science provides the answer.

If you place a frog in a pot of water, and slowly heat it up,
the frog will boil to death.
You see, if the temperature change is gradual, the frog
w o n ’t notice what’s happening, he’ll become sluggish, and
before he knows it, it will be too late to save himself.
If, on the other hand, you were to drop a frog into a pot of
boiling water, he would instantly leap out.*
People, too, often won’t notice gradual changes in their
environments. When a couple takes one another for granted;
when they stop the little kindnesses; when they stop wooing one
another . . . that’s when romance fades away.
Best advice: Remember the frogs!

* NO FROGS WERE HARMED IN THE CREATION OF THIS CHAPTER. THE PRO-

DUCTION OF THIS BOOK WAS SUPERVISED BY THE ASPCA.

10 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Freud on Romance.

P roblems. Major problems. Where to start?? Delusions of

grandeur. Flights of fancy. Propensity to fall, sometimes
to leap. Wild mood swings: From giddy to morose, from
confident to devastated. All tangled up with other aspects, espe-
cially sex. What a mess. Hard to tell where romance leaves off
and sex begins.
Under different conditions I would recommend the removal
of the concept of romance from the human psyche altogether.
However, in my considered opinion, romance has so suff u s e d
the human brain/psyche/soul that it would be impossible to
remove the affliction without killing the patient. Romance has
actually become a part of Human Nature.
It seems that to be human is to be romantic.
Romance has become the primary vehicle for the transmis-
sion of love. It has also become the primary driving force in
other realms of human endeavor. Scientific advances, for exam-
ple, are made only by people who are passionate (i.e., romantic)
about their interests. And successful businesses are, curiously,
most often created by people who are not pursuing money, but
rather, are pursuing what they love (again, romance!).
Everywhere I turn, it’s romance, romance, romance!
Could it be that romance is more important than sex? May
have to revise my theories.
 GREG GO D E K 11

Plagiarize.

O ne of the secrets of many romantic guys is the time-

honored academic tradition of plagiarizm. Or, as we in
the romance biz prefer to say, “finding inspiration.”

Sign all your love notes with:

“I am, as I was and always will be—yours, yours, yours,
yours, yours.”
[From the musical “1776”]

For a card that accompanies a bouquet:

“All you need is love . . . And all I need is YOU.”
[Thanks to Lennon and McCartney]

For a note to accompany that box of chocolates:

“How sweet it is to be loved by you . . . And speaking of
’sweets,’ this is just for you, my sweet one!”
[Thanks to James Taylor]
12 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Valentine’s Day Made Easy.

G uys: Your goal on Valentine’s Day should be: To bring

G
tears to her eyes.

als: Your goal on Valentine’s Day should be: To make his

eyes bug out. Thus . . .

Guys:

Write a real love letter.

Give her a bouquet that’s identical to the one she

carried down the aisle during your wedding.

Play “your song” when she walks in the door; and

dance in your living room.

Gals:

Get him the newest gadget from Apple.

Gift wrap some power tools.

Greet him a the door wearing “something special”

from Victoria’s Secret.
 GREG GO D E K 13

Be a Fool for Love.

But Don’t Be a Flaming Idiot for Love.

T h e re is a difference. A fool for love walks two inches

above the ground. A flaming idiot for love walks over
the edge of the cliff.
A fool for love sits in a dark room and listens to sad songs
when a love affair goes sour. A flaming idiot for love vows
revenge in a jealous rage.
A fool for love sings silly love songs. A flaming idiot for
love crosses the line that separates passion from obsession,
swooning from stupidity, and pursuit from stalking.
Romantic pursuit is depicted in the classic film The
Graduate. Obsessive stalking is depicted in the dramatic thriller
Fatal Attraction. See the difference?
14 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

God Wants You to Be Romantic.

H e told me so. He said, “Tell those people that I meant it

when I said ’Love one another’! Love is not a concept.
Love is not something you do in isolation. Love is not
a ’spiritual’ thing—it is a real thing, a concrete thing. Love is
something that you do—it’s not something that you just think
about or, for My sake, something that you pray about.”
He looked thoughtful, then continued. “Is this such a hard
concept? I guess it is. Look, I’m not really supposed to do this,
but I’ll share a little inside information with you; something that
might make an impact on a lot of people. Precisely zero-point-
oh-oh-three percent (0.003%) of humanity is supposed to live a
life of celibate, prayerful meditation and study. The rest of you
are supposed to couple-up. That’s why I invented romantic love
and linked it to sex. (Pretty clever concept, eh?) Don’t you get it?
It’s something special, a gift I created just for you humans—
something that none of my other creatures have—love-and-sex
intertwined. I remember the precise moment when the idea
struck me,” He smiled slightly. “Adam and Eve are still thanking
me for that one after six thousand years—or was that six million
years? (A zero here, a zero there, who can keep track of it all?)
“Anyway—the point is that most of you are meant to be
one-half of an intimate, loving, growing couple. You know the
phrase ’the whole is greater than the sum of its parts’? My idea.
It’s about couples. And it’s not an esoteric concept. I mean it lit-
 GREG GO D E K 15

erally. Oh, you people! You make everything so difficult!

“Fall in love! Delight in one another! Dance! Make love!
Gaze into one another’s eyes (I’m in there looking out at you.)
Ah, romance! I don’t mean to sound threatening here, but you
downplay romance at your own risk. Romance, you see, was my
invention for allowing you to express love in the world.
“Think of it this way: How do you know that you’re in
love? By the way you feel. It’s an internal, emotional state. But
how do you know that someone else loves you? By how they act.
Get it? Romance is the action that you take based on your feel-
ings of love. Is this so hard?
“Oh, how I wish that Moses hadn’t lost that eleventh
Commandment. I really liked ’Thou ’shalt love your lover as
your matched half.’ Oh well.”

And that’s what God said to me. Or words to that effect.

16 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Grow Up.

C an I talk to the adult part of your personality? The part that

doesn’t giggle when sex is mentioned; the part that takes
responsibility for your actions. Okay, here’s the deal: It’s
time for you to take over. Enough of the childish crying over the
fact that no one reads your mind and fulfills your every need;
enough of the adolescent yearning for that perfect partner;
enough of allowing your semi-suppressed unconscious fantasies
to dictate your expectations.
Notice that I did not say that I wanted you to banish the
childish, adolescent and unconscious parts of your personality. I
said I wanted your adult self to “take over.” You need the child,
adolescent and unconscious parts of yourself. They contain your
creativity, curiosity, joy and wonder. It’s great to let those parts
of your personality come out and play, exercise themselves, and
express themselves. But at the end of the day someone’s got to
take responsibility.
Does this sound, somehow, “unromantic”? Well, too bad.
You want real love? Then grow up. When people leave romance
in the hands of their immature selves, is it any wonder that so
many relationships are car wrecks? This is exactly the problem
with “old-fashioned” romance—it’s immature. What do you
expect when Cupid (a cute, little, naked, angel-baby-cherub) is
in charge?
 GREG GO D E K 17

Don’t Grow Up.

I f growing up means leaving behind playfulness, leisure,

wonder and innocence, then don’t do it. You’ll lose your
soul. Look around you at all the boring/clueless/humor-
less people cluttering-up our world. Don’t be one of them! Many
people have a skewed view of what “growing up” means. They
think that being an adult means leaving behind many of the
attributes of being young. They’ve got it backwards: Growing up
is about adding things, not subtracting things. Maturing is a
process of adding things/experiences/knowledge/people to your
life.
Do you think that adventure is only for the young? If so,
then chances are good that you have no mystery in your rela-
tionship.
Do you think that playing is only for kids? If so, you prob-
ably have little fun in your relationship.
In study after study, people who have extramarital affairs
reaffirm that it’s not really sex they’re after, but adventure, pas-
sion and excitement.
18 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Cupid and Santa Walk Into a Bar . . .

C upid and Santa Claus are sitting around at their favorite

pub. “Feelings” is playing on the jukebox in the back-
ground.

erably.
“Would somebody turn that drivel off?!” says Cupid mis-

“What?!” exclaims Santa. “I thought it would help put

you in the mood for your upcoming Big Day. Ho-ho-ho! It’s
nearly Valentine’s Day, you know.”
“Ho, ho yourself, big guy. Don’t remind me!”
“What’s wrong?” asks Santa. “You look exhausted, and
it’s not even Valentine’s Day yet.”
“You just don’t understand.”
“Understand what?” Santa asks indignantly. “Hard
work? Traveling around the world at breakneck speed? Don’t
tell me that I don’t understand, Love-Boy!”
“You only work one day a year, my dear fat elf—whereas
I work every day of the year.”
“Don’t give me that,” Santa sputters. “Valentine’s Day
comes but once a year, just like Christmas.”
“Ah, but people fall in love all the time, every day, all year
long!” Cupid points out. “That means I’m on the move every day
all year long. I never get to rest!”
Santa’s beard and bushy eyebrows bunch up in a puzzled
frown.
 GREG GO D E K 19

Cupid continues: “Sure, you work hard, Nicholas—but

let’s be honest. Your job gets easier every year. Your new
’Naughty-and-Nice’ software from Microsoft frees you up for the
e n t i re summer. And I hear rumours that your sleigh now has
Star Trek space warp technology. Sure, you work hard for one
night. But then you can kick-back and relax for most of the
year.”
“Hey, managing a gaggle of elves is no simple task! It’s a
full-time job.”
“What I wouldn’t give to have a staff—any kind of staff,”
Cupid sighs. “Even a few unskilled cherubs would help. But no!
It’s just me, one pair of wings and this bow. Did you know that I
have to buy my own arrows?”
“Perhaps I can get some elves working on cheaper arrows
for you. Did you know that I now supply 52 percent of all the
Easter eggs worldwide? I’m also diversifying into Halloween
candy and Independence Day fireworks. I’m sure we could work
out something for you.”
“Thanks—I appreciate that. But it’s the non-stop nature
of the work that really gets to me. And, do you know how fast
those humans are reproducing!?”
“Tell me about it,” Santa nods.
“I hate to admit this,” Cupid leans closer, “but I’m mov-
ing so fast that I’m starting to make some mistakes.”
“No!” Santa gasps. “Who?”
“Well, first there was Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie
Presley—”
“Yeah, I did find that one a bit odd,” Santa says.
20 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

“—and then there was Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.”

Santa pats Cupid on the shoulder. “Hey, bud, we all make
occasional mistakes. Do you know how often Punxeytauney Phil
is wrong about the weather on Groundhog Day?”
“So now you’re comparing me to a groundhog?” Cupid
moans. “I tell ya, I don’t get no respect.”
“Oh, don’t be so sensitive,” Santa counters.
“Sensitivity is my business!!” Cupid shouts. “Sorry. It’s
just that I work so hard, and I’m associated with a second rate
holiday.”
“What do you mean, ’second rate’? I consider Valentine’s
Day to be right up there with Christmas and Thanksgiving.”
“Well, thanks for the compliment, but I don’t think a hol-
iday is in the Big Leagues unless people get the day off work,”
Cupid says.
“Hmmm.”
“Think about it: People get time off from work to cele-
brate gluttony (Thanksgiving), war (Memorial Day) and con-
sumerism (Christmas). Don’t take this personally—but when it
comes to love, all Valentine’s Day gets is lip service. Go figure.”
 GREG GO D E K 21

Every Man Is Moe.

F or at least ten minutes every year, every man in

America becomes one of the Three Stooges. (Luckily,
we don’t all do it at the same time. It would mean the
end of Civilization as we know it.) You gals married to conserva-
tive accountants and big shot lawyers may not know this,
because these guys are especially good at controlling the urge.
But be assured, there comes a time when he’s with some bud-
dies/colleagues, or even strangers, and—as if responding to
some mysterious force of nature—all of them will begin poking
each other in the eyes, flapping their hands in a strange rhyth-
mic manner, and yelping “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” This is not an
alcohol-related or drug-related phenomenon. It is not a genera-
tional thing. Nor is it a cultural thing. One exposure to one
episode of Three Stooges is enough to infect anyone who has the
XY chromosome.
But before you despair, remember that just as every man is
Moe, every man is also Elvis.*

*AND/OR TOM CRUISE, BRAD PITT, JOHNNY DEPP, PAUL NEWMAN, ETC.
22 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Cooties are Real.

T here is an undeniable “feminine energy” around women,

and a definite “masculine energy” around men. Boys and
girls, being brighter than we adults are, have a word for
it: Cooties. Watch children between the ages of five and nine
playing together and you’ll see the boys and girls act out the
essence and the particulars of all male-female relationships: The
Chase; the Delight/Fear; the Attraction/Flight; the Flirting/
Coyness; the Thrill of the Game.
Do you remember when you were a kid? Sure, it was a
more innocent game back then. It was a simple matter of not let-
ting a member of the opposite sex touch you. Very concrete. As
we grow up the game doesn’t really change. The rules just get
more subtle—and more confusing. And while physical touching
remains an important aspect of the game (!) the real
challenge/fear/excitement is around being touched emotionally.
And don’t tell me that you’ve never run away from emo-
tional intimacy as if he or she had Cooties.
 GREG GO D E K 23

There’s Love, Money and Power.

Choose One.
A ctually, there’s . . .

Love

Money

Power

Pleasure

Mastery

Creativity

Enlightenment

Justice

Ease

This is the complete list of everything you can possibly

have, give, experience or pursue in life. These are the nine Goals
in life. Anything you can think of—a n y t h i n g—can be catego-
rized as one, or a combination, of these nine Goals. Now, it’s
obvious that one person in one lifetime cannot have/pursue/
acquire/express all of these Goals as primary activities. You’ve
got to choose. You’ve got to prioritize. So choose three. Your top
24 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

three goals/passions/purposes in life.

The Dali Lama values enlightenment, justice and love.
Money is pretty low on his list. Bill Gates is doing pretty well
with money, power and mastery. He simply can’t have much
time left over for love or ease. There ’s no judgment here. I’m
simply putting what you already know into a new context.
Everyone gets to prioritize his/her own List. And whether
or not you’ve analyzed it, or even thought about it consciously,
you live a life that ranks these Goals in a priority order that
reflects your beliefs.
Surprisingly, love does not need to be Number One on your
list. But if it falls below Number Thre e, you’re headed for trouble.
 GREG GO D E K 25

Be Reckless With Your Heart.

H e a rts don’t break. Your heart has nothing to do with

love. It’s a pump. A squishy, two-pound muscle that
pumps blood. (Yeech.)
Emotions are not located in the heart. It’s a metaphor. A way
to help you envision/embody your emotions. So what’s the harm?
The harm is in taking it too literally and allowing it to affect your
actions. The heart/love metaphor restricts you, makes you small-
er, more conservative—which is the exact opposite of what love is
supposed to do: Expand you, strengthen you, deepen you.
If you believe that hearts break—if they’re marvelous but
fragile, like Waterford Crystal—then it makes sense that you
would treat yours with kid gloves . . . and keep it locked away in
a cabinet most of the time. But hearts—or rather, emotions—don’t
break. Never.
Be reckless with your heart. Don’t hold back. Go for it. Fall in
love. Fall out of love. Fall in love again. Yes, it hurts. It hurts a lot.
But nothing breaks. As a matter of fact, falling in and out of love
strengthens you. It is precisely the process by which one acquires
experience which leads to maturity. And done properly, this “love
thing” can even lead to wisdom. Imagine that.
Historical note: The ancient Greeks believed that love resided
in the liver, not the heart. Just imagine the kind of Valentine cards
that would lead to! (Yeech.)
26 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Never Give Flowers.*

A fter you give her that first bunch of roses, that first
bouquet of mixed flowers, that first single red rose,
you should never again give flowers like a normal
person. If you don’t give it a twist—if you’re not creative
about it, if it’s not personalized somehow—you’re making a
Big Mistake.

Give her a dozen roses. But not as a bouquet:

Give them one at a time. [I guarantee you’ll get
more bang for your buck by giving them this
way.] Place one rose on her bedstand; one in her
sink; one in her coffee cup; one on her wind-
shield, etc.

Give her one red rose. Carefully remove all of the

thorns from the stem. Place the thorns in a tiny
envelope. And write this on the envelope: “All of
the love. None of the pain.”

Give her a daisy. Attach a note that says: “She

loves me. She loves me not . . .” [IMPORTANT:
Before you give it to her, count the number of
petals. Make sure there are an ODD number of
petals. (Think about it.)]

*LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

 GREG GO D E K 27

Opposites Attract.

L ove and romance go together. But that doesn’t mean

they’re the same thing. People get this mixed-up all the
time.

Love is an emotion. Romance is an action.

Love is calm. Romance exciting.
Love is comfortable. Romance is unsettling.
Love is straightforward. Romance teases.
Love is quiet. Romance is loud.
Love is modest. Romance is a show-off.
Love is steady. Romance is unpredictable.
Love is solid. Romance is mercurial.
Love is the status quo. Romance is the revolution.
Love is what it’s about. Romance is how to express it.

Love and romance. Sometimes they’re two sides of one

coin. Sometimes they’re mirror images of each other. Love and
romance each work best when both are present. They reinforce
and enhance one another.
28 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Framing.

L ingerie is about framing. That’s right, framing. The Mona

Lisa doesn’t hang naked on a wall. She’s framed. Frames
enhance the artwork contained within. This is why men
like lingerie. Most men can’t articulate this concept and desire,
but it’s true nonetheless. Now, doesn’t this make you ladies feel
a little more comfortable about the concept?
Yes? Great! Now let me show you this nice garter belt and
stocking outfit. What? You think it’s slutty? But what about the
artwork?? What about the Mona Lisa? [You say that Mona Lisa
never wore garter belts? Hey, how do you know? Maybe that’s
the secret of her mysterious smile.]
Ladies, please listen to this: Men love women in lingerie.
Men-love-women-in-lingerie. When’s the last time you looked at
a Playboy Magazine? Not many naked women in there.
Exposed, yes. Provocative, yes. But more often than not, they’re
clad (scantily) in (and half out of) lingerie. Why do you think
this is? Because the photographer likes it? Because of Hugh
Hefner’s personal fetish? Because the models want to keep
warm? No. It’s because it happens to be a turn-on for most men.
Period. End of discussion. [Analyzing why it’s a turn-on might
make an interesting discussion for sex therapists and clothing
designers, but that doesn’t really concern us here in any practi-
cal way.]
Lingerie is about framing. We like the framing. We like
 GREG GO D E K 29

breasts to be enhanced. We like the female crotch and bottom to

be outlined and highlighted. It’s not about the frame, but the
frame is part of the overall effect.
He likes it. He loves it. So why would you not do this for
the man you love? Please don’t let your (pick one): preconceived
notions . . . lack of confidence . . . uncertain self-esteem . . .
unrealistic fantasies . . . various neuroses—stand in the way.
By the way, did you know that most men like panty lines?
We like a derriere framed. It’s you gals who, for some curious
reason, put up with the discomfort of thongs to achieve that
smooth look. It must be some kind of conspiracy among the
fashion designers.
[Is it getting hot in here??]

P.S. One more thought for you gals who are saying “Yes
but . . . I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model . . . I’m not built like a
Playmate.” I have news for you: Your husband/boyfriend/lover
already knows what you look like. And guess what?? He loves
you anyway! (Just the way that you love him anyway!)
30 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Time Is Money. Not.

T ry this . . . (1) On your next anniversary, spend eight

hours of uninterrupted time together. (2) Then, on
Valentine’s Day, just hand her a hundred bucks.
Then report back to the rest of us . . . and tell us if time
is money.

Time is not money. You can save money; you can’t save
time. You can spend more money than you have (that’s what
credit cards are for!); but you can’t spend more time than you
have.
The “Time is money” philosophy comes from the world of
business and finance. And hey, for all I know, while you’re on
the job, time just may be money. But if you carry that business
mindset home with you, you’re in big trouble.
 GREG GO D E K 31

Do You Have Twenty Years

of Experience—
Or One Year of Experience
Repeated Twenty Times?

T he smartest/happiest/most successful people are not the

people who make the fewest mistakes. They’re the people
who learn from their mistakes.
One of the things that angers young people most is having
to listen to advice from adults who obviously don’t know what
the hell they’re talking about. You’ve probably been the unhap-
py recipient of this kind of advice yourself: Your miserable Uncle
George giving you marriage advice, which is quickly rebutted by
his shrewish wife, Aunt Sylvia.
Age does not bestow wisdom. Experience combined with
awareness, followed by experimentation, then re-evaluation,
and quiet reflection—that leads to wisdom.
How wise are you?
32 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Real Men Ask for Directions.

“M en won’t stop and ask for directions.” [Hee-

hee.] “Men won’t share the TV remote control.”
[Chortle.] “Men don’t like shopping.” [Ha-ha.]
Excuse me but . . . what a load of crap. Give a guy a hun-
dred bucks and drop him off at Home Depot/Radio Shack/
Sharper Image, and I’ll show you one happy man. Don’t tell me
that men don’t like shopping. Different stores and different
styles—but same activity.
Just because something seems true, doesn’t mean it is true.
Does it seem like the world is round? Of course not. Your com-
mon sense and your personal experience argue quite stro n g l y
that the world is flat. Sometimes it takes a lot of science to over-
come the fallacies of a deeply ingrained belief that has the back-
ing of common sense. Note: There are still a handful of members
in the Flat Earth Society. Likewise, you might actually believe
that “Men and women are so different, they might as well come
from different planets!” [Haw-haw. Nudge-nudge.]
It doesn’t make you a bad person. It simply makes you
wrong.

So . . . If you want him to go to Nordstrom’s with you, you

need to be willing to go to Home Depot with him. Turn-about is
fair play.
 GREG GO D E K 33

At the Intersection of
Erotic and Ticklish.

A t the intersection of erotic and ticklish lies an experience

like no other. It’s a place of heightened sexuality that
must be experienced to be believed.*

Instructions (for the initiator): Include those tick-

lish spots in your foreplay. Treat them as you
would any other erogenous zone on your lover’s
body, because—and here’s the secret—those tick-
lish areas are really erogenous zones in disguise.

Instructions (for the recipient): Hang in there. You

can giggle, laugh, gasp and squirm . . . but do not
roll up into an inaccessible ball or push your part-
ner away. Hang in there. Put up with it. Feel it.
Experience it. You’ll be glad you did.

Note: This works only for the ticklish. If you’re just not
particularly ticklish, this experience simply is not open to you.
Sorry. You’ll have to try some fetish or fantasy or drug to take
you to another level.

*YES, I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE. THIS IS NOT A THEORETICAL THING OR

KNOWLEDGE GAINED THROUGH SOME STUPID SELF-HELP BOOK.
34 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

All You Need Is Love.

(And Money.)

N ot a lot of money, mind you. It’s not a question of

either- o r, it’s a question of ratios: How much love
versus how much money? Most of us live as if we
need a lot of money, and only a little love. You don’t think so?
Look around—at your family, friends, neighbors—and compare
the size of their portfolios to the size of their hearts; compare the
state of their careers to the state of their marriages. [The Truth
hurts, don’t it? Hey, don’t blame me! This is a mirror, not a judg-
ment.]
With heartfelt apologies to John, Paul, George and Ringo—
love is not “all you need.” Love is what makes life worth living.
But money is necessary to keep a roof over your head. Money is
also helpful if you want to buy roses, chocolate, champagne
and/or jewelry.
It’s about the balance between love and money. It’s a mat-
ter of ratios. You can, of course, choose any ratio you wish. But
the happiest people I know have much more love than money.
 GREG GO D E K 35

Human Nature Will Trump

Theory Every Time.

T he world has gotten more complicated, but people have

not. Our essential human nature today is identical to
what it was thousands of years ago. Imagine a man from
ancient Greece brought into the present through a Back to the
Future-type time machine. The technical world would astound
him. Some social changes would baffle him. Others would amuse
him. But people themselves would be identical to his contempo-
raries. He would find nothing new in our motivations (money,
power, sex, love). He wouldn’t blink at our ongoing wars. And
he would be comfortable with our marriages, families, divorces,
love affairs, heart-breaks and joys.
Human nature will always win-out over some scientific or
psychological theory. “Fighting Fair”? Nice concept. Doesn’t
work with real human beings. “Mars/Venus”? Cute. But too
over-simplified to describe any one person accurately.
So what’s the take-home lesson? Honor your nature. Don’t
try to change yourself too much. And don’t try to change your
partner at all. Live and love and keep moving forward. Ours is
an age characterized by the paralysis of analysis. Just be who
you are. Live and love passionately. Good lord, why would you
want to do anything else?
36 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Death By Chocolate.
L ove or chocolate: Don’t force a woman to choose
between the two . . . because you guys will lose out to
Godiva ninety percent of the time.
The average American eats twelve pounds of chocolate a
year. The average American woman eats twenty-two pounds of
chocolate a year. That’s about one Hershey Bar every day. FYI,
chocolate is an $18-billion-dollar business.
To sum up so far: Women love chocolate.
Okay, let’s take the next step. Guys, in general, have the
philosophy that “Chocolate is chocolate”—and will pop anything
into their mouths . . . from M&M’s to Godiva to chocolate-
covered pork rinds. That’s fine, guys—but you need to be aware
that most women are elitist and particular-to-the-point-of-
obsession about their chocolate.
One woman will only eat dark chocolate. Another will eat
any chocolate—as long as it’s from Godiva. Another woman will
only let Belgian chocolates touch her lips. Another prefers
Hershey’s Kisses because of the symbolism. Another will only
accept limited-edition chocolate made from custom grown beans
from a particular hillside in Columbia.
Don’t ask why this is so. Simply accept it as part of The
Way The World Works—and use it to your advantage. [And you
don’t need to be clever or coy about this, guys. Simply ask her
what kind of chocolate she likes best. She’ll appreciate it. I guar-
antee it.]
 GREG GO D E K 37

Musings.

M usings on the phrase “I love you.”

It’s among the very first things you hear when you’re born,
and it’s hopefully among the very last things you hear before
you die. And in-between? Well, perhaps the truest measure of a
happy/successful/worthwhile life is the number of times this
phrase is said to you.
But then again, who’s counting?

It’s interesting to note that some people actually get embar-

rassed and tongue-tied when they try to say “I love you”—while
other people say it with the ease of breathing. People on both
ends of that spectrum need to watch out. Those who are tongue-
tied risk having their partners feel neglected. While those who
call out “Love ya, babe!” on autopilot twenty times a day risk
having their words lose their meaning.
38 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

Love Takes “Work” But It’s

Not Work. Love Is “Playful”
But It’s Not Play.

Y ou know this intuitively. But because the English lan-

guage doesn’t have a word for this concept, we’re all
screwed-up.
I don’t know about you, but when I hear the advice, “Good
relationships take work,” I groan. I think of work as—well,
work. You know, the business world, 9 to 5, Dilbert; I think of
digging holes in rocky soil in 100 degree heat; I think of agoniz-
ing over word problems in algebra. That’s work. Most men
think, “If that’s what love takes, then I think I’ll pass. I’ll settle
for sex.” And most women think, “If it’s that much work, forget
it. I’ll settle for security.”
So why don’t we advise people to “play” at their relation-
ships? Because it sounds stupid, that’s why. You play checkers,
Monopoly, golf. You play with your friends, on a playground, on
vacation. Love is love. Love is not play. And it’s not work, either.
But making love last does require . . . effort . . . attention
. . . action . . . all of which is true, but it’s not concise enough.
That’s why we tend to lump it all together and say simply, “Love
takes work.”
 GREG GO D E K 39

Language Note #1: What we need is a new word. One psy-

chologist suggested “plork”—combining PLay and wORK. But
somehow that doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, does it? Sorry,
but I don’t have the answer to this one.

Language Note #2: And while you’re at it, we also need a

word for “adult boyfriend” and “adult girlfriend.” Once you’re
into your thirties and beyond, it sounds dorky to introduce her
as “my girlfriend.” And “significant other” is awkward. Whereas
“friend” has gay connotations. And “lover” is too intimate; you
certainly can’t introduce him or her to your parents that way.
40 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

The Formula.

R omance =

(friendship2 + love)3 x (talking/listening) x (sex)3

+ (understanding x patience) + (depth + breadth)
- (selfishness + ego) + (attraction/commitment)
+ [ (chemistry/compatibility) x (focus x time) ]
x [ (creativity)3 + (surprise) ]

Note to you left-brained, logical folks: This formula is for

you. Take note. Study it. Solve the derivative. Understand the
algorithm . . . and lifelong love will be yours.

Note to you right-brained, creative folks: Forget the formu-

la. Just be romantic.
 GREG GO D E K 41

Romance Resides at the Intersection

of Love, Sex and Fun.

T hink of love, sex and play as three intersecting circles.

The area where they overlap is “romance.” Love by itself
is great, but it can be overly serious without a little fun.
Sex is great, but it’s shallow without the addition of love. Fun is,
well, fun—but it’s merely kid stuff unless it’s spiced-up with a
dash of sex and a hint of love.
42 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

And there you go! Nearly half of the entire book—for free! Such
a deal! We’ll drop you a note when Greg finishes Bring Food.
Arrive Naked. (We expect it later this summer.)

Note: Your Secret Code Number is at the bottom of the copyright

page of this eBook. This will give you access to the Special Deal
we’ve cooked-up for you later in the year on the site
www.1001WaysToBeRomantic.com.
 GREG GO D E K 43

A Note from the Author.

I started out normal. Played baseball, collected bugs, built

Legos. But then I discovered girls just as The Beatles came
to America. Even at eight years old, I realized that having
the girls like you was a good thing.
All I did was add a little creativity into the girl-boy mix . . .
but the result was like Harry Potter creating a potion. Boom!
I stood there with my hair standing on end, and my clothes tat-
tered—but with that silly ah-ha! smile on my face.
Jump forward a few years: Wrote 1001 Ways To Be
Romantic; sold three million copies; wrote several more books;
traveled across America four times aboard a custom RV, con-
ducting the biggest book tour in the history of publishing;
appeared on Oprah, Donahue, The Today Show; had Leno joke
about my book; got written about in Cosmo, The New York
Times, and (honest-to-god) The National Enquirer.
I don’t really consider myself to be an “expert” on romance
and relationships. But, amid the psychologists and doctors and
self-styled experts and authors, I am the only person on earth
who has had the luxury of focusing exclusively on romance for
thirty-some years. I’ve learned a lot. Enough to be skeptical of
most of the so-called “experts” out there. Thus, it’s quite odd
that I’m considered one of those experts now.
So . . . I humbly advise you to take from this book what
works for you, take full credit for it, and discard the rest.

~ Greg Godek
44 BRING FOOD. ARRIVE NAKED.

And this is only the beginning!

Visit www.1001WaysToBeRomantic.com

And don’t forget your Your Secret Code Number at the

bottom of the copyright page of this eBook. This will give you
access to the Special Deal we’ve cooked-up for you later in the
year on www.1001WaysToBeRomantic.com.
 GREG GO D E K 45

Bring Food. Arrive Naked.

Romance With Attitude.

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From the author of the #1 besrseller

1001 Ways to be Romantic