Personality is the sum total of the biological, psychological, socio-cultural and other traits of a

person, manifested in the way he thinks, feels, acts and relates with others.

For Conklin C, personality is a fairly stable configuration of feelings, attitudes, ideas and behavior
that characterize an individual, making him unique and different from others.

Gordon All port defined personality as a collection of traits that determine a person’s unique
adjustment to his environment. Each person is made up of determining tendencies that play an active role in his
behavior. Personality is what lies behind the specific acts of a person.

Alfred Adler in his Social Psychological Theorystressed the uniqueness of personality. Each person,
according to him, has a unique configuration of motives, traits, values and interests. Every act performed by the
person bears the stamp of his/her own distinctive lifestyle.

1. Heredity Genes transmitted by parents determine a person’s physical and biological characteristics such as
physical stature, color of the skin and hair. There are controversial viewpoints as to whether intelligence
(capacity for mental development) and aptitude (capacity for developing mental and social skills) are also
inherited. However, some evidences show that some kids learn faster than others, and there are those are the
more reactive than others.

The Social Environment The social environment consists of individuals, groups and institutions with whom the
person interacts from childhood to adulthood. It is from these individuals and groups that a person learns and
acquires a set of beliefs, ideas, values, attitudes and other socio-cultural characteristics through a process
known as socialization.

Individuals and groups in one’s social environment exert varying degrees of influence upon a person. Of
greatest influence are significant people who serve as models for patterning one’s behavior and as major
sources of need satisfaction. In Sociology, they are referred to as “significant others.” Foremost among them
are parents or guardians, peers, teachers and other people or groups to whom the individual belongs.

The socialization process starts with the child’s first contact, his family from the parents, siblings and
relatives, the person learns his first lessons of love, honesty, and other fundamental virtues, as well as other
qualities. Much of our behavioral tendencies appear to be a replica of our parents. Being the first agent of
socialization, the family provides the foundation for personality development.

In the later years of life, the individual comes into contact with peers, school mates, teachers, and other
groups from whom he acquires new sets of ideas beliefs, values and attitudes. Nowadays, many peer groups
exert even greater influence than parents.

As the individual moves through life, he encounters more and more individuals, groups and institutions.
Among them are church groups, professional and civic groups, new sets of friends, etc. From them he
discovers and learns other sets of socio-cultural characteristics that may even run counter to what he has
learned in the early years of his life. Nowadays, the media has been a powerful force in influencing young
people’s minds and lifestyle. Likewise, the church, through its spiritual ministry has been making a big
contribution in facilitating a change in people’s paradigms, attitudes and values. It has also helped many
individuals find meaning in their existence.
There are various schools of thought that provide explanation to the emergence of certain personality
attributes and personality disorder. The first one is the psychoanalytic theory advocated by Sigmund
Freud. This theory is anchored on the premise that man’s development is conditioned by his past
experiences, particularly during the formative years of life. Psychoanalysts consider a healthy, pleasant
experience during childhood as most conducive to the development of an emotionally stable and mature
personality. Conversely, parents, guardians, siblings, and peers’ conditions the development of personality
disorders. Thus, most behavioral problems are said to be found among people with childhood hang-ups and
traumas.

Studies in Psychology reveal that a person passes through various stages of development. It
starts with infancy to childhood, then puberty, adolescence and adulthood. The last stage is the stage wherein
the individual becomes fully mature in all respects – physically, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally.
Crucial to the development of a mature personality is the satisfaction of varying needs and demands in every
stage of a person’s growth. Deprivations of these basic needs are considered to be a major stumbling block in
the maturation process and they often lead to personality disorders.

During infancy, the need for attention and acceptance is most dominant. As the child grows, his needs are
centered or recognition, affirmation and appreciation. Upon reaching puberty and adolescence, hewill
experience a strong need for autonomy – freedom to make decisions and to act for oneself, without being
dictated upon or manipulated by parents and people in authority. Unsatisfied needs in each level of growth lead
to what is termed as “fixation”, a situation which often results to obsession. This means an insatiable craving for
unsatisfied needs like love, attention, recognition and autonomy. This obsession is carried over to the adult life.
One can find an adult who loves to complain or make unsolicited remarks or to argue in an effort to win attention
or recognition. A teenager who grew up in a suppressed atmosphere with authoritarian, manipulative parents
may become a rebel in his desire to exercise his freedom. The psychoanalytic theory attributes this dysfunctional
behavior to the need deprivations during the formative years of life.

Abraham Maslow supported the Freudian concept that needs satisfaction is crucial for the healthy
development of personality. He has however, a different version of what these needs are and he placed them in
hierarchy. The basic need is physiological or survival needs – food clothing, shelter, sex, etc. This is followed
by the
safety needs – protection, freedom from fear, etc., then the
social need – to belong, to be accepted, followed by the
esteem need which associated with recognition, affirmation. The highest need
self-actualization, where the person finds fulfillment and actualization in the exercise of his potentials
andcapacities.

Maslow contends that obsession for need gratification starts with the lower needs –
physiological/biological, progressing to the next level –need for safety and acceptance. Once these lower needs
are satisfied, man will pursue for the next higher need – esteem needs and then aim for highest need – self-
actualization – a psychic feeling of fulfillment for having achieved a goal or having maximized the useof one’s
potentials and capacities.

For Maslow, it is the self-actualized person who has the capacity to become a “superior personality”. This is
because he is inclined to make the best use of his potentials. He also considers a self- actualized person as the
most psychological healthy, mature, highly evolved and fully functioning human being.

Another point of emphasis in Maslow’s theory is the role of motivation in conditioning behavior. He
contends that man’s behavior is moved by certain motives. And these motives are usually triggered by needs
gratification, especially when the person has grown with a lot of deprivations in life. For instance, a student is
motivated to excel in his class to be recognized; a person always try to please others, often at his own expense
if only to win people’s acceptance; a child cries to get attention; a boy rebels to get his freedom; a supervisor
becomes very bossy to win power and recognition. Thus, one can better understand a person’s behavior by
looking into the inner motives that trigger.

The Humanistic theory of personality recognizes the significant influence of past experiences in
the development of personality but it places a greater emphasis on the “meaning” that people attribute to the
experience or event in their life. It is not the experience per se that makes or unmakes the person. Rather, it is
the meaning that people attribute to this experience. This “meaning” is influenced by the person’s perceptions or
paradigms. For instance, the loss of a loved one, a failure or disappointment can be viewed as a trauma where
the person sees himself as miserable victim, thereby nurturing self-pity and hatred. Or the experience can be
viewed in the light of Christian values as purification or a learning experience that can make one closer to God. If
there is a positive “meaning” attributed to the experience, no matter how unpleasant it is, the person will unlikely
develop negative emotions like depression or frustration.

Victor Frankl, who was an advocate of the Humanistic theory, was a witness to the significant effect
of paradigms in a person’s life. He experienced one of the worst tortures at the prison camp during the Nazi
regime in Germany. He contended that while man may experience events beyond his control like what
happened to him as a prisoner, he has the capacity to control the consequences. He has the option to decide
whether to allow these experiences to destroy him or to make him a better, stronger person. Frankl decided to
make positive consequences out of his painful experiences. He promised himself that he will turn his ordeal into
a meaningful experience. And he did. He became a source of inspiration and consolation to other prisoners as
he projected a positive disposition in the midst of crisis.

Being a living witness to his theory, Victor Frankl opted for re-directing man’s mind to a search
for meaning as he encounters the day to day ordeal and crisis in his life. This meaning that he attributed
to events can trigger a paradigm shift from a negative to a positive outlook. Positive thinking will bear positive
feelings and positive behavior.

In his book “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”, Stephen Covey, highly supported the writings
of Carl Rogers and Victor Frankl. He emphasized the need for paradigm shift as the starting point for
behavioral change.

“Stop talking to people about what you will do; show them instead what you are doing.” – ROBERT HOLDEN in
Living Wonderfully
 In summary, personality is a product of the combined hereditary characteristics transmitted
through the genes (heredity) and acquired, learned characteristics through the socialization process.
Individuals with biological deficiencies can still grow up with a pleasing personality if they are helped
to discover and make good use of their hidden talents, provided with opportunities for self-
actualization and thus consequently develop self-confidence and self-esteem. This fact has
been attested by the success stories of blind but famous singers – Steve Wonder and Jose
Feliciano as well as many other handicapped people who became famous and successful.

On the other hand, there are cases of physically handicapped people who become miserable.
This outcome can be attributed not on their biological deficiency but on the fact that their environment
was not able to respond favorably in terms of providing opportunities for their growth and
development.

Likewise, people blessed with pleasing biological features and even high intelligence
may not necessarily end up with a superior personality. If they grow up in a social environment
that inculcates negative attitudes and work values, and are not provided opportunities for self-
actualization and confidence building, they may also end up with personality disorders that will
handicap them from becoming happy and successful.
Aside from biological handicaps and negative influences of the environment, certain events
and experiences in the life of a person may bring about fears, insecurities and negative attitudes that
will prevent him from developing a healthy personality and healthy relationships. However, this
contention has been contested by modern psychologists. They explained that it is not really the events
or conditions in the life of a person that create personality problems but the perception or the
“meaning” that they attribute to such conditions. G. All port emphasized that the physical world and
its events can affect the individual only as he perceives or experience them. It is not the
objective reality that serves as determinant of behavior but rather the perceived meaning by the
individual. It is the psychological environment not the physical that determines the manner in
which the individual will respond.

The “meaning” that a person attributes to events in his life is conditioned by his paradigms,
beliefs and values. This in turn determines his decisions. People with positive outlook can find
meaning in an unpleasant experience and turn it into an opportunity for growth while those with
negative outlook usually look at negative events with prejudice and bitterness that they become
miserable, bitter and depressed.
Many young people and adults have lost meaning in their lives and choose to rut and
stagnate after undergoing a series of crisis in their life. Looking at their situation negatively with
disappointment and despair, the end up bitter, mad at the world and with themselves. As a result,
they become maladjusted and unhappy. And, worst of all they blame other people for the misery
which they themselves created and perpetuated.
 Out of biological and environmental influences, an individual develops distinct qualities –
beliefs, ideas, values, attitudes and lifestyle. Unfortunately, there are many people who unquestionably adopt
and internalize beliefs, values, morals and other traits that are fed to them by their environment. They are
unable to distinguish what is right from wrong, moral or immoral, proper or improper. They blindly follow
traditions. Their decisions and actions are dictated by some significant people in their life and not made out of
rational choices. Thus, they loser their own self-identity and find themselves in an identity crisis. They allow
social pressures to control them. They depend on their social environment for their happiness and security.

An individual who is faced with identity crisis allows his child and not his adult ego state to surface in
his social interaction, making him irrational and emotional. Since his behavior patterns are dictated by
his social environment, he is inclined to be reactive rather than proactive. More often, his reason and his
moral conscience do not operate to govern his choices, decisions and actions. Thus, he develops and
projects immature and irresponsible characteristics in his adult life.

Every person is the author of his own life story. Whatever happens to his life, happiness and
career are the consequences of his choices and decisions. If he leans on distorted paradigms and principles
as well as values that are not properly aligned, he is inclined to make irrational choices and decisions and to
resort to dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Then he finds himself in trouble, unable to succeed and to relate
in harmony with other people.

The process of personality change and development therefore requires a re-examination of oneself.
One can ask himself: “Whom am I? What do I believe in (beliefs and paradigms)? What are important to me
(values)? Are my values properly aligned? What is my outlook (attitudes), etc.? Do they work for me or against
me? Have I freely chosen them or I unquestionably adopted them from my environment or are they imposed
upon me by significant people in my life?

One must undergo a re-awakening from subjective to objective realities; learn to be more rational,
morally upright, responsible, reasonable, independent and courageous to face life’s challenges. All these
require a change of paradigms, a more rational outlook, re- alignment of attitudes and values. It also
means freedom the bondages of the past and the bondage of social pressures.

From a paradigm shift and re-alignment of one’s value system, a person is better equipped to make
appropriate choices and decisions bases on what he perceives as moral, rational, and appropriate in a given
situation. This in effect means forming one’s self-identity. With this comes the emergence of a pleasing,
wholesome, mature personality that is capable of relating in harmony with others and in coping with
life’s challenges.

This process of personality change also requires a processing of experience. People with an
unpleasant past may end up with personality disorders if they are deprived of the opportunity to process their
experience in the light of objective realities. They may have been brainwashed with wrong notions of reality
or moral values. Unless these distorted notions of reality are realigned, the individual may grow up to be dis-
oriented and maladjusted.

There are also many children who are traumatized by negative affirmations from their parents,
guardians or teachers like when they are told: “You are an idiot, good for nothing”, etc. With these
affirmations, they end up affirming themselves as inadequate and idiot. On the other hand, children who are
affirmed for their achievements and potentials are more inclined to develop self-esteem and self-confidence.

Stage 1 – Understanding an Ideal

At this stage, the person is exposed to learning situations where he discovers an ideal – the
ideal personality, qualities of a winning personality, the elements and conditions for growth and development,
etc. He is also able to differentiate functional vs. dysfunctional behavior and their damaging consequences.
This knowledge provides the framework for understanding one’s behavior and personality.

Stage 2 – Self-Awareness
After discovering the ideal, the person goes into self-mirroring. He objectively looks into his personal
qualities and behavior and compares them against the ideal. Thus, he discovers his personal handicaps and
realizes how these affect his success, happiness and relationships. Diagnostic exercise found inside
this module are instruments for this purpose. Feedback from colleagues during the learning sessions also
helps in expanding self-awareness and makes a person recognize his blind spots (behavioral qualities that
he is not conscious of but are obvious to others).

Stage 3 – Self-Realization
After a process of self-awareness, the individual is guided on how to understand himself by bringing
into his consciousness the things in the past and other realities that have directly or indirectly conditioned his
present behavior or maladjustment. Among these are: the distorted beliefs, paradigms and values that he
may have internalized as well as the wrong influences for which he has yielded himself. He is also made to
realize how his behavior has hampered his growth and development as well as his happiness. All these
realizations are expected to pave the way for a paradigm shift, then to change in feelings, attitudes and
behavior.

Stage 4 – Decision to Change

With self-realization, the individual makes a decision to change. If one is determined to grow as a
person, he has to decide to change. The decision to change will come naturally and voluntarily as the
individual realizes that he has more to gain than to lose if he opts to change his ways.

Stage 5 – Actualizing the Change

In his decision to grow and develop, the individual now puts into action the necessary changes in his
life, including a change in attitude, re-alignment of his value system, change in coping mechanisms and other
behavioral changes
Corazon is a millionaire, a co-owner and chairman of the board in one of the leading car
trading companies in the Philippines. She came from a very poor family and she had to earn
her education through her own efforts selling small items in the streets. With only few pesos
available, she had to walk to school because there was nothing left for her fare. But her
poverty became a driving force for her to succeed in life. She excelled in her academic studies;
got a good job after graduation, and her talents and achievements brought her to the executive
post until she earned enough to put up her own business.

Mar is simply a high school graduate, hardly able to speak good English. Despite his low
education, he was able to get a promotion as Restaurant Manager in a deluxe hotel because
he showed exemplary performance. When he was yet a supervisor, the outlet he handled was
always hailed as the top grosser. He had that special charisma and ability to keep his
customers. His performance evaluation showed excellence in almost all areas, beating the
other managers who are college graduates and more senior than him.

Melandro started to work as a cook helper in a well-known hotel. He did not also finish college
nor any formal education in culinary or food service management. But he took every
opportunity to master his culinary skills out of the hotel’s in house training programs and
though the coaching of his superior. He joined culinary competitions and he got several
awards. Fortunately, he had a chance to work in China as a full time cook and was later
promoted as Ched d’ Partie then as Sous Chef. Now he is one of the highest paid Executive
Chefs.

Corazon, Mar and Melandro are among the so called self-made winners who were able to climb the
ladder of success despite certain limitations like poverty and lack of education.

While there are self-made winners, there also self-made losers who have good education, wealth and other
blessings that Corazon, Mar and Melandro have been deprived of. Many of them are college graduates from
prestigious schools, coming from wealthy families and given the best comforts in life but they end up school
drop outs, unemployed adults and even havocs to society. An example is the case of Johnny.

Johnny is an Accounting graduate but was unable to make it in board exam. Frustrated and
desperate, he quit his job and ended up unemployed. Despite the prodding of his wife he
never took pains in searching for new career opportunities. He was all the time dependent on
his spouse. He simply chose to rut.
 What made Corazon, Mar and Melandro a winner and what turned Johnny into a loser?
Corazon, Mar, and Melandro and many other successful people reached the peak of their
career through hard work and struggle. Johnny is a typical example of a loser who turned his disappointments
and trials into a devastating experience.

Becoming a winner does not simply connote having the best in life like honors, materials
blessings, high education, power, prestige, etc. A lot of people have all of these yet they live a
meaningless, restless and unhappy life.

We are born with certain gifts and inner resources and we meet certain opportunities. What triggers
success is our ability to recognize and put into productive use our talents and inner resources,
recognize the opportunities for a better life and make the best out of them. There may be threats or stumbling
blocks but a winner looks at them as challenges rather than as handicaps.

It is sad to note that many graduates and professionals are unable to recognize their talents
and opportunities because they are focused on their liabilities. The handicapped people who succeed in life
were able to discover and productively use their hidden talents to compensate for their biological handicap.
Thus, they succeeded in their professional career. Mar, Corazon and Melandro did not help enjoy the privilege
of having a good education but their determination to succeed motivated them to search for as many learning
and earning opportunities. They did not consider poverty and education as stumbling blocks to success but
rather as challenges to overcome and they succeeded.

The success stories of our characters attest to the fact that winners are made, they are not
born. Losers are neither born. They are created and perpetuated by people who give up easily, carrying
distorted paradigms and negative attitudes.

It is not easy to become a winner. There are many struggles and challenges. Life indeed is not a bed
of roses. There are many thorns to live with. Being able to succeed and to live happily in the midst of thorns
is what makes the big difference. It is what makes a winner.

A REAL WINNER is one who is able to:

win over his/her battles and difficulties in life and turns them into a Learning
and glorifying experience;
find meaning in pleasant and unpleasant events in his life;
live in peace with difficult people and difficult situations;
win the goodwill of others, their respect and admiration;
get what he wants using win-win strategies; never at the expense of others;
discover and use opportunities to his best advantage; and
Develop and use his talents and abilities to the best advantage and in so
doing, make meaningful contribution in making this world a better place to live
in.
 Becoming a winner requires the development of winning qualities, winning attitudes and winning
skills.

The winning qualities

1. A wholesome Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

2. Positive Social Image
3. Unbiased perception to others
4. Win-win Attitude
5. Proactive Behavior
6. Self-Discipline and Self-Control
7. Well-aligned hierarchy of values
8. Sense of Direction, Meaning and Purpose

The Winning Skills

1. Interpersonal/Human Relation Skills

2. Communication Skills
3. Technical Skills for the career or profession one has chosen
4. Customer/Client Relations for those in contact with customers or clients
5. Managerial and leadership skills for leaders and company officers
6. Time Management

People succeed in life because they are convinced, they can. They believe in themselves, in
their abilities and potentials and at the same time they honestly recognize their weakness or
limitations. As the saying goes:

“What we think, we feel, What we

feel, we act”

Think that you are capable, and you will feel confident and act confident. Act confident and people
will start to have confidence in you.

Pete, a seminarian has been gifted with a beautiful voice, good diction and good looks. But
he always thought that he is a lousy communicator and never meant for public speaking.
When he was called to rehearse on stage his scripted speech during an oral communications
workshop, his negative self-affirmations took control over his mind and he trembled and was
unable to speak.
 Liza was abandoned by hers husband whom she loved so much. Since then, she considered
her life a misery and she felt terribly miserable. So she lived a miserable life. She
Liza andherself
isolated Pete are
andamong thetomany
refused people
eat. She whocried
brood, live aevery
miserable life because
now and then and of negative
even affirmations
attempted
about themselves, a product of a negative self-image and self-esteem.
to commit suicide.

In contrast to Liza and Pete, are people who live in an illusion of greatness manifested in an
overblown self-confidence, pride and superiority. Unconsciously, they come too strong and have a tendency
to belittle, dominate or trample on others.

This thing called “self-image” is a powerful force that influences people’s minds, feelings and behavior.
One’s self-concept is projected in his relationships. With a shattered self-image, he is inclined to vibrate
negative emotions and unpleasant behavior, affecting others in detrimental ways, making him vulnerable to
failure in his personal life or career.

The term self-image is what an individual refers to as the “I” or “ME”, a

mirror of himself as projected to him by his significant others.

When one speaks of negative self-image it can mean either.

 Self-depreciation where one belittles or looks down on oneself,
losing one’s sense of self-worth and value;

 The illusion of the self where there is an exaggerated or distorted

view of one’s strengths or positive qualities.

Both condition undesirable and dysfunctional behavior.

Our feelings, ambition and behavior are all conditioned by our self-image. The person with self-
depreciation thinks inferior and inadequate and therefore feels and acts inferior and inadequate. He loses his
self-esteem and self-respect, feels helpless, becomes dependent on others and loses direction and ambition.
He may also tend to dislike himself. The person with an illusion of greatness thinks superior, feels and acts
superior and has a tendency to overpower, dominate or take advantage to others whom he perceives to be
inferior to him. He may not be conscious of the fact that he appears threatening to others, frowned upon and
unable to win others’ respect and goodwill.

The person’s self-image is projected in his

behavior and attitudes. Out of what others perceive in his
behavior, they form their image or impressions about him.
This is known as his social image. This social image in
turn conditions others’ responses towards him.
Frequently we find losers, passive people who are
oftentimes victims of abuse or exploitation because they

are perceived to be weak and helpless. An aggressive person oftentimes takes advantage of that weakness.
There are also people who are perceived to be too strong that they trigger an equally strong and aggressive
reaction from others.

On the other hand, people who project a smart, secure personality with high self-esteem and who
vibrate poise and confidence are frequently respected and hardly taken for granted. They usually exert strong
influence on others.

1. REALISTIC VIEW OF ONESELF – being able to acknowledge

one’s positive qualities as well as weakness and limitations.

This means not being too focused on one’s weakness to a

point of losing sight of one’s potentials and strengths. Neither
does it focus only on one’s strengths nor do positive qualities
that one fails to see his limitations and weaknesses.
2. BEING TRUE TO ONESELF AND ACCEPTING ONESELF IN TERMS OF A WHOLESOME SELF-
ESTEEM.
The person accepts the realities about himself, including his weaknesses. Dysfunctional behavior is
usually manifested among people who refuse to accept themselves. In an effort to prove their worth,
they resort to a lot of covering up. An example is the case of a guy with low education. He covers up
for his deficiency by arguing or by monopolizing a conversation.

A married man whose wife excels in her career may start to feel insecure
and comparatively inferior. In an attempt to prove his dominion and
power as a man, he may unconsciously behave in a very authoritarian
manner, attempting to control and monopolize decision making,
often time unable to see and acknowledge the wife’s point of view.

When one is secure with himself there is nothing to prove as he has already proven himself.

Being true to oneself means being happy for what one is, being honest in accepting one’s limitations
and weaknesses without resorting to façade or defense mechanisms in an effort to gain social
acceptance.

3. POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS
A person with positive self-esteem is a positive thinker. He nurtures positive affirmations about
 himself and does not allow unpleasant events or negative responses from others to ruin his sense
of worth and value.

4. WARM AND HAPPY COUNTENANCE

The person with a positive self-image projects a warm and pleasant countenance both in his facial
expressions and behavior.

5. BEING AT PEACE WITH ONESELF

By not nurturing negative thoughts and affirmations and by being true to oneself, the person
experiences inner peace and inner joy.

6. BELIEF IN ONESELF
The person with a positive self-image believes in his capacities and inner strengths. He exudes with
self-confidence yet accepts and recognizes his weaknesses and limitations.

7. WILL AND DETERMINATION TO GET WHAT ONE WANT

Self-confidence goes with will power – the determination of a person to get what he wants and to live
by what he believes in. It also entails courage to take risks without fear of nature. A positive thinker
is always receptive in learning from his own mistakes.

Physical signs

1. Tense and anxious

2. Gloomy and unhappy countenance
3. Hesitance to give an eye contact
4. Keeping physical distance
5. Weak and wilted handshake
6. Sloppy and shabby appearance
7. Weak, too soft and uncertain voice

Psychological signs

1. Psychosomatic tendencies (always sick)

2. Timidity and shyness
3. Tendency to withdraw or isolate himself
4. Always seeking attention
5. Being too pleasing in an attempt to gain acceptance
6. Monopolizing a conversation, being a compulsive talker
7. Compulsive smoking or drinking, resorting to scapegoats
8. Impatience and irritability
9. Tendency to be judgmental or insulting
10. Indulgence in gossips or hearsays
11. Always complaining
12. Refusal to admit mistakes
 1. All knowing attitude, pretending to know a lot of things
2. Tendency to inhibit or dominate others
3. Jealously and envy
4. Suspiciousness or paranoid behavior
5. Remorse or guilt, feeling ashamed
6. Tendency to compare oneself with others
7. Idol worship – idolizing sports heroes, movie stars, etc.
8. Dislike of oneself
9. Resorting to various forms of defense mechanisms like rationalizations, etc.

WHO ARE YOU?

Look at me straight in the eye and tell me honestly who you are.
Is the person you are projecting to others the real you?
Do you want to make people believe how great, how powerful, how attractive you are?
Are you really one or just proving yourself to be one?

Why do you hide you real self behind those masks?

Are you afraid that others get to see the real you – afraid that you will be ridiculed or rejected?
It is this fear that drives you to wear those masks.

All the time you were obsessed with winning attention, love, acceptance or recognition.
Why? Did you not receive all these before so that you are continuously searching for them?
It is this obsession that makes you wear those masks.
 You have been trying to show and prove to others your wisdom by talking too much, monopolizing a
conversation, proving yourself right and others wrong.
At times you are too focused on pleasing others to become Pleasing
and lovable but always at the expense of yourself.
Or you are probably a workaholic and a perfectionist in an attempt to receive approval and
acceptance.

Why boast about your power and position, wealth, prestige or achievements?
Do you really have to be noticed and affirmed to feel good?
Why be afraid, defensive or evasive when confronted about your mistakes or wrong doings?
Isn’t it human to err once in a while?

My friend, why do you deny yourself and put on those masks?

How can you find inner peace when you keep on hiding from your true self?
Can you not be bold enough to be yourself?
So what if others do not accept or appreciate you as you are?
Will that reduce your worth and value as a person?
That will only happen if you will allow it. Will you?

It is only when you see and accept yourself and in acting the way you are that you come to
form your real identity – one that speaks of the real you, without masks or façade,
unaffected by social pressure or social approval, thinking and deciding for yoursel
f And not be under the control and manipulation of others.

Wake up and see yourself before a mirror.

See and appreciate the real person within you and let go of those masks.
Sooner or later you will realize that you have more to gain than to lose..

There are the rewards of self-respect and the respect of others, integrity for being an
authentic person, inner peace and inner joy, and most of all, being great in God’s eyes.

The Significant Others

The development of self-image is influenced

by the impressions that a person gets from his
significant others – meaning the persons significant
to him like his parents, peers, teachers, etc. James
Cooley calls this the “looking glass self.” The impact of
the significant others is very strong during the
formative years – 1-6 years. That is why Sigmund
Freud, the Father of Psychology contended that the
foundation for the formation of the self and the ego is
the first 6 years of life.

As an infant, the child gradually recognizes

the objects around him and as he grows, he becomes
more aware of himself and then he forms his self-
image out of the treatment he gets from his family,
peers and other significant people in his life. The
 innocent child tends to believe and to re-affirm what
others say about him.

As a person matures, his self-concept moves towards greater stability and he forms his own
self- identity. He becomes less inclined to change his attitudes, feelings and ideas about himself and is
less dependent on significant others for his self-esteem.

LESSON 4. Self-esteem and Maladjustment

The person’s self-esteem – his sense of worth and value is

anchored on his need to be valued. And he feels valued when his
basic physical and psychological needs are fully satisfied, particularly
during the formative years of his life. When he has experienced
deprivations, often rejected rather than valued, he may feel unwanted
that he loses his self-esteem. Deprived of love, he feels
unlovable, being an object of criticism, rejection or condemnation, he
may to look at himself as good for nothing, inferior, unlovable or
inadequate.
Dr. Eric Berne, the Father of Transactional Analysis mentioned that in every person is a
subconscious recording. The words spoken for or against him as well as experiences of approval or rejection
are all recorded as part of the tapes that are embedded in his subconscious mind. From said experiences
the person usually forms his self-concept. When his mother calls him “idiot” he tends to affirm he is
really
one. He is inclined to think that he is a nobody because the people around him make him feel like one by the
kind of treatment they give him. But if treated with acceptance, affirmed and acknowledged, respected and
not condemned, he is inclined to see himself as a valuable and capable person.

Only then will he develop a positive self-image and high self-esteem.

Studies made by Erik Erikson, Sigmund Freud and other well-known behavioral scientist indicate a
direct relationship between childhood experiences, self-concept and abnormal behavior. Their theory states
that as we go through life from infancy to adulthood, we have some needs to be satisfied which are summed
up as the 5 A’s for Healthy development. These are:

ACCEPTANCE – is the experience of being unconditionally loved, being accepted for what we are, without
conditions, being at home with others. The absence of these results to self-rejection or a deep sense of
alienation or isolation. Because of this experience, many people become passive.

APPRECIATION – the experience of being valued, given importance or having someone delight in oneself;
a feeling of being special to another person. The absence of these results to shame and low self-worth
or self-esteem. The extreme polarities maybe inferiority or superiority complex. When one is not
appreciated, he is inclined to lose his self-confidence. He may cover up and prove his worth and power
by showing superiority or excellence over others.

APPROVAL – the experience of being recognized or acknowledged for one’s success or achievements. The
absence of these results to self-doubt perfectionism and fear of failure. Among the manifestations are: being
a workaholic, being a perfectionist and absenteeism. Extreme polarities are: insecurity or boastfulness.

AFFIRMATION – the experience of being valued for one’s individuality or uniqueness and giftedness. The
absence of these results to extreme conformism, poor self-valuing, difficulty or inhibition in expressing opinion
and in discriminating. Extreme polarities are invalidation or bragging.

AFFECTION – the experience of being touched caringly, stroked lovingly, and embraced tenderly because
one is worthy of being loved and cherished. The absence of this may result in retarded physical and mental
development, difficulty in relating with people, fear of intimacy and insecurity. Extreme polarities are emotional
neediness or emotional distance.

Deprivation of these basic needs usually lead to shattered self-esteem and various forms of
emotional bondages like self-pity, hurts, insecurities, fear, inhibitions, torture, feeling of emptiness as well as
obsessive need for gratification which are often expressed through anti-social behavior.

In an effort to gratify unmet needs, the individual is inclined towards narcissistic tendencies like
obsessions and addictions. He can be so obsessed with getting approval and affection by being too much of
a people pleaser, being a workaholic or perfectionist, bragging about himself, exaggerating his power and
authority, etc. The extreme opposite can be expected. The person sulks, withdraws, isolated or
alienates himself, keeps distance or becomes passive, silent and unresponsive.
 An individual with unmet needs finds it difficult to
relate in harmony with others because he is more
obsessed with winning love rather than in giving love. He
seeks to be understood than to understand, to be noticed
rather than to pay attention to others’ needs. His self-worth
and sense of security is dependent on social approval and
he tends to be reactive to rejection and ridicule. Unable to
get the expected affection and approval, he starts to
feel empty and unhappy.

The person with unpleasant childhood experiences may also grow up as an adult with an angry hurt
inside him. That may contaminate his adult life and may cripple him from building happy relationships.

In order to shield his threatened ego, the individual with a wounded child in him often resorts to
defense mechanisms and facades. He manifests in his outward behavior not his true self but that which is
called by Fr. Thomas Keating as the false self, the force that makes man vulnerable to sin.

A lot of martial relationships and even working relationships have failed because the parties involved
are nurturing a wounded child within themselves.

LESSON 5. Behavioral Manifestations of Maladjustments

One who is deprived of acceptance and approval in his

formative years is inclined to be:

 an attention seeker, demanding and unable to give

love
 possessive and a user who takes advantage of
other people
 easily hurt, nurtures hatred when offended
 vindictive
 An escapist, escaping painful realities through
drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc.

If pampered with too much attention and care, he is also

inclined to be:

 demanding of attention
 selfish, inconsiderate and conceited
 If deprived of recognition and appreciation, he may exhibit:

 dislike and hatred of himself as well as others

 lost of self-esteem and self-respect
 a sense of inadequacy, feeling of rejection
 an inability to listen and to understand others
 a persecution complex (feeling of being a victim all the time)
 reactive-ness to corrections and criticisms

Obsessed with social approval, the deprived adult may resort to

undesirable anti-social behavior like:

 monopolizing a conversation
 bragging too much
 proving power and dominion by inhibiting others or by aggressive behavior.
 Covering up for inadequacies like being too much of a people pleaser, appearing to be “know it
all,” etc.
 competing for power, prestige or attention
 defensive or evasive response to correction
 always trying to be pleasing at the expense himself

Deprivation of the need for autonomy likewise may condition abnormal behavior like:

 obsession for power and dominion

 Defiance and contempt against people in authority, as well as rules and regulations.
 rebelliousness and disobedience
 Rigidity, compulsive obsession (being too perfectionist, too clean, too orderly, etc.)

Many adolescents and teenagers who are rebellious are “Fighting the wounds of the past will
fixated in the area of autonomy. Most of them grew up in a only deepen those wounds. Relaxation
is the method that heals the wounds of
suppressive environment. Obsessed with freedom to run their life,
the mind, not reaction.” –
they tend to run away from home or to rebel against parental
MATA AMRITANANDAMAYI
rules.
On the other extreme, they may manifest intensive
inhibition and compulsive compliance. They may
also turn out to be obsessed with perfection, a “Until you heal the wounds of our past, you are going
pathology known as obsessive compulsion. to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with
alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex;
The wounds of the past are bondages but eventually, it will all ooze through and strain your
life. You must find the strength to open the wounds,
within us. Most of our present behaviors are
stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain
related to our past, rooted in our need to that is holding you in your past, the memories, and
compensate for what our childhood has deprived make peace with them” – IYANLA VANZANT
us with.
1. IDENTITY CRISIS
A person makes choices and decisions not because it is what he
wants or what he believes in but because it is what significant
people in his life want him to do. His sense of security and
happiness is focused on the outside world. Thus he does not
enjoy a healthy inner life.
2. OFFENDER-BEHAVIOR
Having been a victim of abuse in the past, he re-enacts what
happened to him using others, usually his own child as a victim.
Yet he takes no responsibility for his behavior. This is called
Victim-victimizer syndrome. Ex. Having been beaten up by his
father, a man beats his child in like manner.
3. NARCISSISTIC DISORDER
Deprived of love, attention or acceptance, the person becomes
obsessed with love or may experience an insatiable craving
for attention and affection. He is never satisfied, always
demands, always complains, always looks for a perfect lover,
gets addicted to sex, money or power, may change partner
frequently, etc. The
person with this disorder is hard to please.
4. ACTING OUT/ACTING IN BEHAVIOR
Repressed hurts are acted out through an abnormal behavior like
temper tantrums, violent reactions, rebelliousness, over-reacting
to situations, etc.
Acting in refers to acting out on oneself the abuse from the past.
One punishes self the way one was punished in childhood.
5. MAGICAL BELIEFS
Magic is the belief that certain words, gestures or behavior
can change reality. An example is a case of a disappointed father
who wants to cause toxic guild on his child and says “You’re
killing
me.”
6. INTIMACY DYSFUNCTION
This is an Insatiable need for closeness or intimacy sometimes to
the extent of being over possessive or demanding. This is
also known as emotional dependence were one’s security and
happiness revolves around the beloved. The dysfunction may
also manifest by fear of intimacy as when one intentionally keeps
distance from others, afraid to love, to be hurt.
 7. NON-DISCIPLINED BEHAVIOR
The undisciplined child displays childish behavior like
procrastinating, easy going, stubbornness, rebellious-ness,
impulsiveness, defensiveness, etc.

The over-disciplined child is too rigid, obsessive, overly

controlled, over-confirming, people pleasing, ravished with
shame, has a lot of should.
8. ADDICTIVE |COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR
Every addiction is rooted in undiscovered or unresolved grief or
hurt or need. There may be an addiction or compulsion for
neatness, for sex, for work, gambling, drugs, etc.
9. THOUGHT DISTORTION
Expressed by way of distorted beliefs and ideas including
irrational thinking, jumping to conclusions, over generalizations.
10. EMPTINESS, APATHY, DEPRESSION
Chronic depression, emptiness, loneliness are expressed as a
result of wounded-ness, traumatic experiences or need
deprivation. On the extreme the person may express apathy,
coldness or indifference.

LESSSON 7. Therapies for Wholeness

One of the most disastrous things that can happen to a

person is to lose his sense of worth and value – self-esteem. When
this happens, everything starts to collapse – his dreams and
aspirations, life’s meaning and happiness as well as the ability to
establish healthy relationships.
When a person is broken, it is impossible for him to
experience inner joy and inner peace. Without this inner peace, he
is psychologically handicapped from forming healthy relationships
 and in adjusting to various situations at home and at work. That is why there are a lot of employees,
front liners and even ministers and leaders who are unable to adjust and perform effectively despite their
technical know-how simply because of personality handicaps.

The loss of self-esteem is the start of becoming a loser. Not unless the broken self is restored
to wholeness with the shattered self-esteem healed from all its bondages, becoming a winner will not
be realized.

To become a winning personality requires a change of one’s self-concept and an attempt to bring
back the shattered pieces of one’s self-esteem.

The therapy for wholeness lies in our hearts. Healing can take place only when one is willing to
confront his inner conflicts with an open heart and mind and is determined to let go. Here are some therapies
that can help in this healing process.

Therapy 1 – Let Go of Your Bondages

1. Mind Binders – these are the negative affirmations about ourselves that are formed out of the
impression we get from the significant others in our life. Ex. “I’m good for nothing, I’m inferior,
I’m stupid, etc.”

There are 3 sides of a mirror – you as you see yourself, you as God sees you and you as others see
you. Which to you is most significant? You know yourself better than others. You know your
capabilities, strengths and limitations. Having accomplished much in life, have you not proven
to yourself that you are not really stupid as you think? Neither are you good for nothing. What is
important is that you believe in yourself more than others believe in you. Form your own self-identity
that is not influenced by social acceptance. There’s a saying that no one can rob you of your self-
esteem and self-respect unless you allow it.

See yourself as God sees you. You are precious to Him. He does not care if you are a sinner or not,
with low or high education, rich or poor, ugly or beautiful. He only sees your heart. Isn’t it inspiring
enough that when the whole world will go against you God is always there at your side. Therefore
you are never along. It is not true that nobody loves you. He loves you more than you love yourself.
Be more obsessed in pleasing Him more than pleasing others and you will be less affected by social
approval.

Rather than sulk and indulge in self-pity for the negative affirmations that you have received, re-
program the negative into positive affirmations. Feed them into your mind and let it work for you like
a computer program.

Instead of saying “I am ugly.”| Say: “I have an inner beauty that is beautiful in God’s eyes.”
 2. Emotional Bondages

Are you are hurt? Are you deprived of your needs and expectations that you are nurturing self-pity
or hatred? And you probably project these feelings in your relationships with others. These are your
emotional bondages. If you continue to live with them, you will be crippled form being happy and you
will never be at peace. Confront your hurts and start to forgive. Forgive yourself too if you have done
some mistakes. God has already forgiven you. Why can’t you forgive yourself? The past is past. If
we keep on looking back, the wound will never get healed. Healing starts with unloading the
bondages of the past and living for the present.

3. Dependence on Social Approval

Our sense of worth and security in oftentimes measured by the degree of social approval and
acceptance from society. We feel ok to the extent that others treat us as “ok”. All throughout life we
bow to group pressure and societal demands. In an attempt to be pleasing we need to exaggerate,
manipulate, or cover up. Sometimes we sacrifice our own self for the sake of social approval. But
why?

While it is true that we all have to face the pressures of social conformity, we need to realize
that such socially demanded conformity should not destroy the inner core of our being. We are a
person of worth and value regardless of how we are treated by others. Accept the fact that while
we try to be pleasing, not everyone will be pleased or agree to what we do. What is important is that
we act in accordance with our own convictions, maintaining our self-identity and not allowing it to
be manipulated by others.

A winning personality is less affected by social pressure. His sense of worth and value is intact even
in the midst of criticism or rejection. He is less affected by gossips, hearsays. But it does not mean
that he is deaf to correction and feedback. Remember the saying: “No one can put you down unless
you allow him. Try to put a balance between the “personal you” and “what is expected of you”.
In case you feel uncomfortable with the demands of your present environment, perhaps it is
time to change your environment
`

Therapy 2 – Let God Fill the Vacuum

Our emotional program of happiness is often rooted in our desire for social acceptance and approval.
Thus, the unconscious motivation behind most of our actions emanate from our desire to win affection,
attention or recognition. It is in the satisfaction of these basic needs that we anchor our sense of worth and
security. And we expect the world, the people around us to be the instruments for filling the vacuum in our
life.

But to our disappointment, the significant others often fall short of living up to our expectations and
of meeting our unfulfilled desires. And reactively, we act in distress, oftentimes resorting to anti-social or
sinful behavior.
 Take the case of politicians who amass wealth and power to enable them to expand their sphere of
influence and dominion. Any attempt to destroy their political ambition shall be meted with hostility and even
violence. Or a manager who uses his authority as a means to satisfy his need for power and recognition that
he becomes bossy, authoritarian and demanding. See how this bondage operates in the life of the following:

Bella is a telephone operator who grew up with unloving parents. In her story, she narrated that she was
always discriminated among her sisters. She too had been an object of rejection and ridicule by her family
and friends. In an effort to compensate for this lack of acceptance, she tried to excel in her studies, took
one course after another. In her job, she has a tendency to compete for recognition by being an attention
seeker, boasting of her achievements and studies to everyone, monopolizing conversations, finding faults
in others and other undesirable behavior that antagonized most of her co-employees. She had high
credentials but was unable to form healthy work relationships so her employer had to terminate her
services in as much as she affects others in detrimental ways. One can see in the eyes of Bella the looks
of a disturbed, unhappy individual despite her material blessings and accomplishments.

Tess has been desperate because her husband left her. She is helpless as she is unemployed. She
cannot even run to her own family for help as she feels they do not care for her. She felt lonely and
miserable. She wanted to commit suicide. In her desire to seek relief, she had to run to her neighbors to
tell her sad story only to be betrayed because her stories were used against her as she became an
object of gossip in the whole neighborhood. She felt all the more miserable thinking that the whole world
is against her.

Norma, a desk clerk is eyeing for a promotion. She worked so hard to get the favor of her boss. But to her
dismay, a colleague got the promotion she wanted. Norma felt threatened and envious. She looks at her
colleague a competitor and a threat to her ambition, thus she promised herself. “I must do something to
discredit her”. And she did by spreading rumors about her perceived enemy.

How many people like Bella and Tess continue to live in despair and alienation, desperate of
the world’s failure to respond to their needs? They lean on the world, on other people for their
happiness and security only to be disappointed.

Many distressed people resort to escape goats like drugs, alcohol, night-outs as a relief to their
loneliness and misery. But this gives very temporary relief for the very root of insecurity is still there.

We tried the world but the world failed us. Isn’t it time to realize the need to re-program our direction
of happiness from the world to the Spirit; from man to God?

Little do we realize that we have a Loving Lord and Father who never fails us, who loves us
unconditionally with all our sinfulness, all the time ready to listen and understand our woes. But have
we given Him the time and the full trust to intercede in our life? When we feel that the whole world is against
us, the presence of God can fill the vacuum. Open your heart to Him and let Him fill that vacuum. Make Him
your source of strength and security, a sounding board for your cries and woes. He will never get tired
listening to you.
By centering our source of happiness and security in God, we can experience inner joy and inner peace. The compulsion to seek for
compensatory mechanisms will cease to become our habit. We become less affected by social approval and we remain emotionally secure
and stable since we have found someone in our life. With this assurance of God’s presence in us, we are freed from all our fears and
uncertainties. Then and only then can we experience inner peace and inner jo

Therapy 3 – Hypnotize Yourself with Positive Affirmations

Stephen Covey in his book “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” mentioned the importance of
paradigms in programming our happiness and success. Distorted thoughts and perceptions about our self,
other people, about work and life in general tend to condition our negative attitudes and destructive behavior.
Thus, he emphasized the need to re-program our paradigms from negative to positive and to align them to
Christian ideals.

Look into your negative affirmations like “I’m ugly, I’m guilty, I’m good for nothing, I’m inferior, etc.” Every
day, before going to bed, make it a habit to turn your negative affirmations into positive like: Instead of “I’m
ugly”, say “I’m beautiful in God’s eyes”. “I am not perfect but I have plenty of accomplishments, etc.”

Look also into your attitude towards

other people, about life in general, about
your work, your boss, etc. How are all
these influenced by your beliefs and
convictions in life? How do they affect
your lifestyle and happiness?

Come out with your Personal Credo

or Life Philosophy, one that will reflect
your principles and what you believe in,
making it your guide for a healthy and
meaningful life.
 MY CREDO AND LIFE PHILOSOPHY
I believe myself. I believe that I am created by God, born unto His image.

I believe that God loves me with all my weaknesses and sinfulness;

I believe that I am valued in God’s eyes and that He has imbued me with a lot of
blessings that make me a rich, valuable person;

I believe that while I have some limitations and weaknesses, I also have a lot of
capacities and inner resources to improve myself and to succeed.

I believe in my power to control and run my life and to make decisions for myself,
with God as my source of wisdom and strength;

I believe that it is my choices and decisions in life that will determine my destiny,
not the circumstances, people or events that I encounter;

I believe in my family, in my relatives and friends, even if at times they disappoint me;

I believe in my boss, in my employer and the people I work with.

I believe that they too have their abilities and positive qualities.

I believe in the power of prayer; That it is in my communion with my Creator

that my life finds meaning and direction.

And with all these beliefs and convictions,

I can face life with courage, faith and determination to grow and succeed for
I know that there is a Divine Power who will supply the strength and wisdom
that I need for as long as I put my trust in Him;

I will not allow crisis and difficult situations to take control over me
and make me miserable; rather I will look at them as intruments
of growth and purification;;

I will always keep lines of communication open with my Loving Creator,

and make Him the center of my existence, my sounding board and
source of relief when in pain or in trouble;

I will not let a day pass without prayer for in so doing, I gain more strength and wisdom;

I will try to live a life in the spirit of fairness, honesty and integrity,
for I know that what I do for others is inclined to bounce back to me.

I will try to maximize my tolerance for frustrations and for peole; accept people for
what they are and aspire to live in peace with them even though
I may not agree with them once in a while;

I will render the best service out of my best efforts regardless of whatever rewards
are in store for me for I consider my work a mission of service and
not merely an occupation or profession;

Finally, I will forgive those who have offended me because I realize

 “I CAN”

Figure it out for yourself my lad.

You’re one of the greatest men I had; Two arms, two hands, two legs, two eyes And a brain to use if
wise
With this equipment they all began So start from the top and say, I can.

You are the handicap you must face, You are the one who choose your place You must say where you
want to go, How much you study the truth to know God has equipped you for life, but He Let’s you
decide what you want to be.

Courage must come from the soul within, The man must furnish the will to win So figure it out for yourself
my lad,
You were born with all that the great have had With your equipment they all began
Get hold of yourself and say, I can.

Therapy 4 – Celebrate Your Being

Many people associate wealth and treasure only with
material prosperity, power, prestige and other worldly attributes. The
lack of them makes them feel “poor” and less acceptable. For indeed
we are judged by the world by these externals. Thus, it becomes
a natural tendency for man to be obsessed with wealth,
education, power, etc., in an effort to win recognition. Little do
many people realize that many of those blessed with material
blessings or prestige are often restless an unhappy. This indicates
that there is something more precious than money or power or
prestige that can truly give happiness. Among them are friends, a
happy family, and peace of
mind, healthy and loving relationships and good health. Unfortunately, we fail to recognize them as blessings
and treasures to be proud of.

Therapy 5 – Build on Your Strengths and Work on your Weaknesses

Most failures emanate from weaknesses that are not
recognized or probably recognized but not given appropriate attention
or remedy. This could be a weakness in communications, personality
or ability. Instead of giving up or indulging in self-pity, take action.
Go for speech lessons, get skills upgrading, attend personality
development sessions or whatever appropriate remedies to our
perceived weakness.

Instead of simply focusing on your weaknesses, recognize your own talents and abilities, build on
them, utilize them to your greatest advantage. This is where you can build your name and popularity.
Handicapped people like Stevie Wonder, Jose Feliciano, etc. did not brood over their physical handicap (They
 are blind). They recognized that they have a golden voice so they searched for ways to enrich that talent and
now they have won international fame in the field of music.

Therapy 6 – Learn to Profit from Your Experience,

Including the Most Unpleasant Ones
Most people who are burdened with trials or failures tend to sulk or
nurture self-pity. They easily give up and become complacent. In doing so,
they become miserable and end up a loser.

Rising from one’s failures and disappointments requires

courage and determination to confront oneself accept responsibility
for one’s
mistakes and learn from them. The fact is that most of a person’s miseries are his own making or he
may have perpetuated them without realizing it. Rather than nurture hatred and resort to self-pity,
escapism or rationalizations, (defense mechanisms), one must face his problems squarely, find out what
God is telling him or what He wants him to realize. When a person humbles himself, admits his
shortcomings, learns to forgive and understand his offenders, purification takes place and a new life begins
within him.

By learning from his mistakes, a person becomes wiser and life becomes more meaningful. Likewise
he finds peace in himself, peace with God and with others. For whatever the hurts may entail, he will never
lose his self-worth.

Every person has his own mind and will. There are perhaps circumstances in his life that are beyond
his control but he can control the consequences. Victor Frankl, one of the greatest psychotherapists, once a
prisoner during the Nazi regime in Germany was imprisoned and tortured yet turned his experience into a
learning and meaningful event in his life, writing about it and sharing it to others. Like Victor, everyone needs
the courage and the optimism to turn negative events into a glorifying experience. When one fails, it is
because he chooses to fail and did not do something with his handicaps or weakness. He is unable to profit
from his own mistakes or failures.

First impressions are usually created during the first contact with a person
and are often based on his physical projection – appearance, grooming, posture,
poise, body language and the aura that he projects.

To make a positive physical impact, consider the following pointers:

1. Look clean and well groomed.

Shabby appearance makes one look untidy and will certainly make a very bad impression.

 Be free from body odor and bad breath. Use deodorants and mouthwash to avoid this smell. People
may shun someone with a bad smell.
 Fingernails should be well manicured and clean.
 Nail polish, if worn by ladies must not be tattered.
 Gentlemen should keep their fingernails short. Nail polish is not advisable.
 Food handlers must have short nails. Bacteria can breed inside the nails and contaminate the food.
 Keep hair neat and clean and free of dandruff. Those who work as food handlers are required
to keep their hair short. Ladies with long hair should have them clipped on both sides or use a
headband.

2. Dress appropriately. You are what you wear.

Clothing not only influences how others perceive you but also the way you regard yourself.

 Always fit your dress to the occasion. If applying for a job, know the company’s dress code so that
you would know what to wear. In going to a party know the motif or purpose of the event.

 Be restrained in your choice of clothes. Avoid using bright colors, alluring styles like plunging
neckline, mini skirt, backless, etc. unless applying for a job that requires this kind of style. If you are
applying for a decent job and you present yourself with this style of dress, you can be misunderstood
as a sexy, vain and worldly person, fir for a bar or in the entertainment world and not as an office girl,
clerk or front liner.

 If required to wear a uniform make sure it is clean and not wrinkled.

Check hemlines and see to it that they are not torn or damaged.
Have all buttons in place.
Make sure clothes are comfortably fit to wear.

 If a uniform is not required, use office attire – no shorts, no slippers, and shirts must be with collar,
no “maong” pants.
  In choosing a dress, consider what impression you must make to get the benefits you desire. For
example if coming for a date, how do you want to appear in your dress such that you do not
only look attractive but also respectable, not misinterpreted as cheap or flirt? If coming for an
interview, what dress will make you look decent and smart? A ragged, too casual attire may give an
impression that you are not decent enough to be a front liner.

3. Ladies are advised to “make up” properly.

There’s a saying that a woman is not confidently dressed until she is “made up.” The word “made up” is
not confined to facial make up. It covers the whole physical make up including wardrobe, hairstyle, shoes,
accessories, etc.

Facial Make Up

If you are a lady working in a frontline position (in direct guest contact), as desk clerk, receptionist,
secretary, guest relations officer, sales executive or sales attendant, etc., accentuate your looks
with proper facial make up.

Here are some make up tips given by beauty experts:

 Use light make up. A heavy one can make you look older
 Use color appropriate to your skin. A darker tan powder or foundation goes well with dark complexion,
a lighter color for a lighter skin.
 If a foundation is used, spread it evenly. Dot the foundation with your fingers on the forehead, cheeks
and chin then blend over face evenly.
 Check for possible allergic reactions before using foundation/ powder.
 Clean face thoroughly before applying cosmetics.
 Apply finishing powder.
 Use concealers under the eyes.
 Blush on both checks lightly in the hollow of the cheeks. Blend over.
 Apply eyeliner appropriately. Avoid a bold dark look as this can make the eyes look smaller.

4. Take good care of your hair and use appropriate hairstyle.

Cory Quirino gave the following tips for proper care for the hair:
 Brush often to stimulate the scalp. Brushing enables sebaceous glands to secrete oil that is
necessary to keep hair growing and shiny.
 Massage scalp. Using the fingers, slide them in rotating motion in various parts of the scalp.
 Keep dandruff away. Dandruff is loose dead surface skin of the scalp caused by an allergy to
shampoos and infrequent washing. It develops mostly in dead scalps. Look for medicated
shampoos intended to eliminate dandruff.
 Avoid too much shampoo (not every day) as this can strip the hair of its natural oil.
  Since the hair develops through the roots, take care of the scalp by washing properly with shampoo,
rinsing thoroughly and using hot oil occasionally.
 Use haircut appropriate to the contour of your face. Most hairdressers can tell you what hairstyle
fits you most.

5. Project an inner glow.

 Do not forget so smile – it is the disarming weapon. It gives an impression that you are ok, happy,
warm and approachable.
 Act with vitality. It means you are full of life!
 Leave your worries behind. You might unconsciously be projecting them in your facial expression
and body language.

What is projected in your countenance and facial expressions are reflections of what is inside you– your
thoughts and emotions. Thus, the inner glow, the charm and the natural smile cannot some out when
you carry a lot of mind binders and emotional bondages. Unload them to let your inner glow come out
naturally.

6. Maintain Your Poise.

Your poise is reflected in your posture and body language. An erect posture, relaxed body
language, appropriate eye contact and absence of unpleasant mannerisms project good poise and
carries a message that you have self-confidence. It creates an impression that you are sure of yourself.
With that impression you can make a positive impact and be more influential.

LESSON 2: Maintaining Good Posture

Correct posture not only creates positive impression about you but also frees muscles from needless
tension. Here are some tips for developing good posture:

1. If you are in a standing position, stand upright with

shoulders relaxed, arms hanging on the side.
Avoid drooping shoulders. Keep them at right
angles to the ground, neither drooping forward, nor
pulled tensely back. Keep chin parallel to the floor.

Tighten your buttocks and flatten your abdomen as

though preparing for a blow. This protects you form
low back pains.
 2. When walking, keep your weight slightly forward and move with a flowing stride, swinging your legs from
the hips.

3. When sitting down, make sure that your lower back is

fully supported. If necessary, place a small cushion
between the bottom region of the spine –the lumbar area
and the back of the chair.

Avoid staying in one position too long. Change position

regularly and take a mini break at least once each hour.
During the break, roll your shoulder several times,
forward, and then back to relax them.

LESSON 3. Eye Contact

Your eye contact has much to say about you.

Avoidance of eye contact can be interpreted as shyness and
inhibition, which is turn indicates your lack of self-confidence.
In a conversation, your inability to look at someone’s eye can
be interpreted to mean that you are talking the person for
granted or that you are not interested in what he is saying.
A sneer – eyeball to eyeball contact with the
pupils hardly blinking, can be interpreted as hostility and
appears threatening to other people. A long, lingering look
can mean a desire for intimacy as when a man lingers on a
woman for a long period. This can make the other party
feel uncomfortable.

An ideal eye contact is focused on the eyes but there must be a break with eyes cast downward. In
a spontaneous eye contact, you may blink the pupil of the eye once in a while. Eye contact must go
with pleasant facial expression so that it will not be misunderstood as a sneer..

LESSON 4. Body Language and Mannerisms

Even without spoken words, some people may be judged as proud, hostile or threatening because
of some unconscious mannerisms.

Here are some examples of unconscious, unpleasant body language.

 Hands on hips can Folded arms on
be interpreted as the chest may
arrogance, reveal a defensive
provocation or or negative
dominance. attitude;
uncertainty or
insecurity.

Biting nails and Frowning face

fingers communicates
communicates irritation, anger,
inhibition, shyness or resentment.
inferiority.

Invading personal Pointing

space getting too close fingers
in an interaction – an interpreted as
aggressive, threatening blaming,
gesture. accusing,
judging, and
being
authoritarian.

Some non-verbal gestures manifest passiveness and low self-confidence. It lowers the person’s
degree of influence or even respect. Among them are:

Unpleasant Non-verbal Gestures What they communicate

[Link] eye contact Indiferrence, no interest, inferiority, insecurity
[Link] physical distance Fear, insecurity, uncertainty
[Link] nails, ball pen, any object, etc. fidgeting with Insecurity, inferiority, uncertainly
buttons, scartching hair, body parts while talking
[Link] in seat
[Link] attention Indifference, boredom
[Link] sighs Not interested, taking someone for granted
[Link] brow Irritation, anxiety
[Link] eyes Doubt, suspicion, disagreement
[Link], Fear, anxiety, insecurity
LESSON 5. Improving Your Body Language

The first step in improving your body language is to be more conscious of your own habits and
analyze them in the same objective way in which you would interpret those of other people.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are your postures and gestures consistent with the image you want to project?
2. Do you have mannerisms that reveal your tension, shyness, and feeling of inadequacy as you
talk? Example: hands folded across the chest, fidgeting with buttons, etc.

If you have uncontrollable, unpleasant mannerisms and body language, here are some tips to
overcome them:

1. Learn to overcome your feelings of inadequacy using therapies given in previous topic. You will
be surprised that as you develop self-confidence, you will eventually overcome hour mannerisms
and become more relaxed.

2. Take conscious efforts to adopt a less-guarded posture and more self-confident gestures as you
change your personally style in far-reaching ways. The secret is to develop new habits and this
obviously requires some persistence.

When the urge comes to fidget with your buttons or tie or hide your face behind your hand, resist it.
When you find that your eyes are straying from people’s faces, force yourself to look back at them. The more
you practice, the more natural it will become.

If you tend nervously to keep a distance from others, make it a habit to get closer to them. Even if
you feel an urge inside you, avoid sitting on the edge of the chair as well as scratching your head when you
talk.

Increase your sensitivity to non-verbal signals, unlearn old habits and acquire a more assertive and
open personality.

LESSON 6. Physical Fitness: A “must” for Staying Young and Healthy

“The secret of staying young is having a young

heart in outlook, feelings and perceptions.”
 Some people look younger than their age. But more people
look older than their age. It is not so much the physiological age that
makes people look old but more on their psychological disposition and
their inability to take care of their body. In short, it is the lack of physical
and psychological fitness that speeds up the process of aging.

The fountain of youth offers the following tips for staying young:

1. Observe proper nutrition.

 Eat well balanced meals – foods rich in carbohydrates, protein, vitamins and minerals. Good
diet improves the skin and prevents premature aging, gives energy necessary for vitality.

 Observe proper eating habits.

Do not over eat or take less than the required calorie intake appropriate to your age.
Malnutrition means overeating or eating less than what is needed by the body.

Required is 1,600 calories for most women and older adults.

2,200 for kids, teen girls, active women.
2,800 for teen boys and active men.

 Do not eat fast or you may have a tendency to over-eat.

 Avoid eating at night unless you are on active duty.
 Physical fitness experts recommend no intake after 6PM.
 Take plenty of natural fiber. This comes from vegetables, fresh fruits, root crops.
 Take plenty of water. Ideal is at least 7 glasses a day.
 Cut down on alcohol, tea and soft drinks.
 Take fresh fruits rather than canned fruits.

If you are overweight, do something to lose weight. Here are some tips given by experts:

 Rather than go on a diet, eliminate bad eating habits like taking high fat-high calorie foods,
eating too fast and taking more than what you need.
  Watch out for between-meal snacks. Eat fruits rather than high calorie foods like ice cream and
chocolates.
 Take plenty of water before meals. It often helps to reduce your obsession to eat more as the
stomach is almost full.

2. Practice proper sleeping habits. Lack of sleep not only reduces energy but also causes damage
to the skin, causing pimples and other skin disease. Teenagers usually require 8-14 hours of sleep,
adult’s need 6-9 hours’ sleep and for the elderly, at least 6 hours.

3. Take regular exercises.

Exercise helps to improve blood circulation, brings more blood to the periphery of the body and allows
the skin, toes and fingers to derive more nutrients. It also facilitates the pumping of oxygen into
every living cell of the body giving it more life. Through perspiration and increased inhalation during
exercise, the excretory system is stimulated as waste is eliminated from the body.

Exercise also helps to burn fats and calories thus preventing obesity.

4. Take care of your skin. The quality of the skin can be damaged by allergies, blemishes,
pigmentation, rashes, etc. These are usually caused by lack of sleep, improper diet, direct exposure to
the sun, dust and dirt penetrating the skin and stress.

To avoid skin damage, observe proper skin care as follows:

 Avoid sun exposure. Use umbrella if exposed under the sun.

 Use sun block cream.
 Take enough sleep at night.
 Avoid eating fatty foods. This can trigger pimples.
 Avoid exposure to dust and dirt.
 Learn to cope with stress. Exercise, relax, and develop healthy and constructive outlets when
down hearted.
 Slow down on alcohol and smoking.
 Use moisturizers for dry skin.
 Use sunglasses to avoid wrinkles around the eyes.

LESSSON 7. Projecting A Professional Image

“Clients and customers judge a company not only by the quality of its
products and services but also by the kind of service personnel who
serve them.”
 If you are employed in a company or you represent a
professional group or an organization, the clients and customers
whom you encounter on the job will perceive you as the
company or the organization you represent. You are the hotel,
or the travel agency, etc. Clients are not particular as to who you
are or what your name is. All that they see is you as the
living image of the company/agency. Thus, the way you look,
talk and act will reflect the corporate image. For instance,
bellboys who escort hotel guests in casual T-shirts and rubber
shoes, create an impression that the hotel is “low class”.

One lady shared with me her experience in one deluxe hotel where she was told by a lady attendant
“Ma’am, we have a dress code here. You are not in proper attire.” This was said in front of her associates
and she was certainly very much embarrassed. She told me “I hate that Office/Department in that Agency.
Never again will I go there”. With this isolated experience, the lady customer/client has made a general
impression of impolite hotel service even though only one attendance was guilty of the offense.

Since service personnel make or unmake the image of their company/ agency/ organization, it
is important that they act in a professional manner. Customer expect to meet professional sales clerks,
tour guides, counter attendants, waiters, and desk clerks, receptionists or sales representatives.

Being a “professional” does not only require

mastery of knowledge and skills with respect to a certain
profession, or passing a professional or career exams or
earning a degree. It is a character that demonstrates certain
qualities and attitudes and a commitment to professional
ethics. One must be a professional in all respects – in one’s
appearance or physical projection, language and
communications as well as in attitudes and manners. We
can find career practitioners who have earned various
degrees, possessing professional licenses yet their ways are
far from being a real professional.

LESSSON 8. The Three Dimensions of Professionalism

A. Physical projection – This includes:

 Proper grooming – clean cut, no body odor.
 Clean fingernails, well pressed uniform, etc.
 Good posture – straight body, no hands in pockets, relaxed.
 Natural smile.
 Eye contact but not a sneering look.
  Absence of unpleasant mannerisms like scratching hair, biting nails, etc. People with mannerisms
lose their poise and make an impression that they have no confidence in themselves.
 Pleasant disposition, no display of irritation.
 Appropriate dress and wardrobes – one that fits the occasion and the place.
 Oral hygiene, no bad breath.
 Appropriate make up for women; not one that is too heavy.

B. Verbal projection
 Being careful with tone, pitch and body language tone must be warm and not harsh to the ear.
 Well-modulated voice – too loud can be interpreted as aggression; too soft voice projects weakness
of character and inhibition.
 Spontaneity in expression, not stammering. This indicates mastery of ideas, making the person
sound credible.
 Speaking with authority – ability to explain and justify ideas, readiness to answer questions.
This gives an impression that one knows what he is talking about.
 Tactfulness – saying the right things at the right time and at the right place.
 Assertiveness in expression oneself – sensitivity to the feelings of others, always conscious of one’s
social impact.

C. Behavior and performance

 Adherence to professional /industry standards of service.
 Compliance to standard operating procedures.
 Assertive behavior
 Adherence to work ethics and respect for protocol
 Being discreet with confidential matters
 Practice of social graces – proper table manners, telephone courtesy, appropriate behavior in public,
etc.

LESSSON 9. Professionalism means avoiding bad habits at work

 Yawning
 Grouping together with other staff for a chat while on duty
 Using sign language like a pointing finger (instead, approach the
person and say what you want)
 Shouting, giggling, loud conversation and horse playing
 Daydreaming, eavesdropping
 Indulging in customers’ private conversations
 Putting hands in pockets and then playing with coins
 Learning on walls, tables and chairs (for bellboys, security guards,
escorts, etc.)
 Sneering or staring look
  Frowning look and show of irritation
 Chewing gum while on duty or while talking to customers
 Suggesting or demanding for a tip
 Counting tips in view of customers
 Airing grievances against the company to customers
 Too much familiarity with the customers
 Bluffing customers
 Reading newspapers/ magazines while on duty
 Singing, whistling
 Use of rude and insulting language
 Pointing at something or someone with a finger
 Interrupting customers’ conversation unless for valid reasons
 Divulging confidential information to customers
 Leaving one’s station longer than necessary

Unhygienic Practices to Be Avoided

 Smoking in non-smoking areas
 Coughing/ Sneezing in public without covering the mouth
 Scratching body parts
 Spitting on walls, floors, sink, grounds, etc.

For Food Handlers:

 Tasting food in view of customers
 Handling food with bare hands
 Serving foods using cutleries that have fallen on the floor
 Putting foods on dirty tables
 Cooling warm or hot food by blowing air out of the mouth
 Wiping perspiration with cloth towel used for service
 Combing hair inside the dining room
 Using strong perfume
LESSSON 10. Social Graces

People who do not know their ethics and the basics of social graces are often misunderstood as
uncivilized people. To many, they look funny, awkward, uneducated and ignorant. Imagine yourself in a formal
dinner and you get clumsy in using the table wares, not knowing what utensil to use for the first dish,
etc. What do you think will people say about you?

Here are some pointers:

Table Manners in Cocktail /Parties / Social Events

1. When an invitation is addressed to you alone, do not bring other people with you. Most likely the
host has limited reservations and this includes only those in his/her list of guests.
2. If an invitation states RSV|P, it means you have to confirm your attendance since you will be released a
seat at the party. Do not attend the occasion without this confirmation to avoid the embarrassment of not
having a place in the party.
3. Be punctual. Come at the time specified in the invitation.
4. Some parties require a dress code especially if held in hotels or fine dining places. Find out the required
attire for the occasion (casual, formal, etc.) and comply with it.
5. Upon arrival at the party, look for the host/celebrant and greet him/her.
6. It is unbecoming to go to the buffet table or start to eat without waiting for the announcement “TABLE IS
READY”.
7. If you are attending a cocktail party, do not ask for heavy dinner or a place to sit (unless you are old or
handicapped). Cocktail parties are meant to be a standing affair to maximize social interaction among
guests. This type of party serves only light finger foods, canapés, hors d’ oeuvres, cold and hot
appetizers. They are not meant for heavy meals.
8. Do not overload your plate.
9. Avoid mumbling (making sounds with the mouth). To avoid this sound, close your mouth tightly as you
chew the food slowly.
10. Stay away from foods that are hard to eat or messy rather than eat them in a messy manner at the view
of other guests.
11. If you are standing, do not try to eat and drink at the same time. Hold your beverage with your left hand
so that your right hand will not be wet, cold and clammy when you shake hands with other guests.
12. Do not talk when your mouth is full.
13. It is unbecoming for you as a guests to:
 Wrap and take home foods
 Bring home a souvenir (like napkin, teaspoon, etc.) except when given by the host as souvenir items
14. Do not drink any liquid when you have not swallowed the food in your mouth. An exception is when a hot
food is scalding your mouth and a cold drink is needed as a first aid.
15. Do not eat too fast as if you are in an eating competition.
16. Do not fiddle with your cutlery or you will make an impression that you are nervous.
17. When drinking from a coffee cup, do not leave your coffee spoon inside the cup.
18. Do not create clinking noises with cutleries and glasses.
 19. Do not force yourself to reach food from a distance. Ask someone to pass to you whatever it is you want.
20. Avoid getting food from somebody else’s plate.
21. Do not mash all your food together in the center of your plate.
22. Do not get drunk as you may lose control of yourself in the presence of many people.
23. When eating pasta like spaghetti or noodles, do not cut them with a knife. The way to do is to hold a
spoon with your left hand and twirl the noodle with your fork using your right hand.
24. Most formal parties follow international standards of service wherein food is served in sequence, lightest
to heaviest, from appetizer to soup, salad and the main course. Dessert and coffee are served last. Do
not complain or demand that all your orders be served to you simultaneously as this will manifest your
ignorance of table manners.
25. Do not “show off” by being demanding of attention, making petty complaints, uttering negative comments,
etc.
26. Do not shout at waiters nor whistle at them. Approach them discreetly if you want to make a request or
complaint. Call them by their name if possible.

Proper Use of Table Wares and Cutlery

1. Learn to use table wares properly. The sequence of using them will be:

1st Appetizer knife/fork for the appetizer (if served). Some appetizers will require only a cocktail fork and
this is placed on the right side in leiu of the appetizer knife.
2nd Soup spoon to be used for the soup.
3rd Salad knife and fork for the salad.
4th Dinner knife and fork for the main course.
5th Dessert spoon or fork for the dessert.
 2. Hold stemmed glasses by the stem and tumblers by the base.
3. Do not attempt to wipe or clean the plate with your napkin, handkerchief or tablecloth. If you suspect it is
not clean, ask the waiter to change it.
4. Position the soup spoon away from you when taking your soup.
5. Hold tumblers and small glasses by encircling them at the base with the thumb and the first two fingers.
6. Hold the cup by the handle. Drink from the side of the cup nearest you.
7. In using the fork, hold it with the right hand, tines directed upward (American style) or directed downwards
(European way).
8. When cutting food, cut with the knife using your right hand and hold the food using your left hand. Cut by
parts, maybe two or three bites.
9. Place the knife across the outer rim of the plate, its cutting edge directed towards you when not in use.
Place the fork in a manner that the bowl is centered on the plate and the handle is parallel with the table
edge.
10. Lift the knife and lay it beside the fork, but keep the fork between you and the knife when you finish
eating.
11. Use the table napkin properly
 Unfold the napkin on your lap before you eat. Remove it with the left hand, and with the right hand
unfold it across your lap under the table.
 Do not use the napkin for wiping the lips.
 Never use the napkin for wiping your perspiration or your plate.
 Never remove lipstick with the napkin.
 Place the unfolded napkin on the left side of the plate.
12. Always use the serving spoon and fork when getting food form platters or bowls.

Manners in Conversations

1. In a party, keep conversations with strangers short, maybe 5 or at most 10 minutes for you to be able to
mix and mingle with others.
2. Approach strangers or guests gently and introduce yourself:
Example: I am Mr. from
When the other party introduces himself/herself you can say:
“I am pleased to meet you.”
3. Respect personal space. Do not stand closer than three feet to someone else unless the room is very
crowded. Everyone likes to maintain their bubble of personal space.
4. If you will have to greet celebrities or highly placed officers, do not linger too long with them as their time
is precious. Introduce yourself, say a few words, and then move on.
5. Circulate around and interact with other guests. Do not confine yourself to one person; otherwise, you
defeat the purpose of the event.
6. Be prepared to listen
 Be a good listener and act like one – physically and mentally
 Focus on the person, concentrate on what he says. Look at the person eye to eye. You may blink
your pupils occasionally to avoid a sneering look.
  Nod to acknowledge or say words like “A ha, I see, I got your point”
 Ask questions. “Could you elaborate? When was that?”
 Smile when appropriate to show your interest.
 Do not interrupt while the other person is talking.
7. Use body language to signal your interest and use listening sounds.
Send some signals to make sure information is accurately communicated and to keep the conversation.
“Do you mean…?”
“Like you said before….”
“What do you mean by…?”
“Will you say that again please?”
“That’s an interesting idea, but what does it mean?”
8. Validate or confirm your understanding of the message. Make sure you got the information right.
This can be done by saying something like:
“If I got your right, you are saying that….”
“It appears to me that…”
“You said that… Do you mean…”
9. Never monopolize conversations. Avoid bragging about yourself. Be more interested in what the other
party has to say about himself or his interest and concerns. In short, be more of a listener that a talker.
10. Avoid asking too private or sensitive questions especially form strangers. Avoid dwelling on gossip. Talk
about issues and events, common areas of interest.
11. Avoid green jokes. It is a sign of bad taste or poor breeding.

LESSSON 11. Getting Acquainted – Introducing People to One Another

1. Young and old person

Introduce a younger person to an older one.
“Mom, this is Mary my friend.”
2. Woman and Man
Introduce a woman to a man.
“Miss Samson, meet my good friend
Frank. Frank, this is Miss Samson.”
3. Same sex
Introduce the younger to the older person.
4. Colleagues in your company and another company
Introduce a colleague from your own company to a colleague in another company.
“Mr. dela Cruz, I’d like you to meet Mr. Padua, our Quality Control Auditor Mr. Padua, this is
Mr. dela Cruz, the HR Office of XYZ Company.”
5. Officers and non-officers
Introduce a non-officer to an officer.
“Captain Bravo, this is Mr. Jones, my officemate.”
 6. Officers of various ranks
Introduce a lower ranking officer to a high ranking officer.
“Sir Larry, this is James Cruz, our coffee shop supervisor.”
7. Peer or co-worker and a client/customer
Introduce a company peer to a customer or client.
“Mr. Santos, this is Nardo, one of our desk clerks.”

If you forget the name, just mention the position title like “Mr. President, I’d like you to meet Mr. Citizen.”

LESSSON 12. Learn to Use Handshakes Appropriately

1. Make the handshake warm and firm (but not too tight). A
slack, wilted handshake may project a low self-confidence.
A firm handshake projects self-confidence, warmth and
graciousness.
2. The lady should offer a handshake first. The gentleman
should wait for the lady to extend her hand before extending
his hand.
3. If you are being introduced to a person of higher authority,
wait for him/her to offer a handshake before extending your
hand.
Ladies should not offer their hand with their palm down. This might be interpreted that they expect a kiss of the hand
rather than a handshake
LESSSON 13. Projecting an Image of a “Real Lady”

Most young ladies are very conscious in projecting themselves For lady only:
to the opposite sex. During parties and social gatherings, usually
men pick up one or two among the ladies whom they are Which of these qualities do you have?
attracted most. Some ladies may have more admirers, others
hardly have one.

Interviews with men indicate the following qualities of a lady who

attracts them most.

1. Project a feminine touch – Get a male partner to give you

 Speaks in a soft voice and modulated tone. feedback on what he perceives as
 Reserved and acts with dignity, does not flirt nor become your special qualities as a woman.
showy; is not an attention seeker.
 Does not chase a man.
 Not boisterous in the way she laughs and behaves

2. Simple, not extravagant in her looks and attire.

3. Not a gold digger does not demand for expensive dates

Interview some men and find out from
or expensive gifts.
them their ideas of an ideal woman.
4. Does not show off superiority over men like:
 Arguing with them or proving them wrong.
 Using downgrading statements, being critical
 Bragging with her achievements or qualities to
insinuate superiority or greatness

5. Not sarcastic; careful with her language.

6. Does not talk too much nor monopolize a conversation.

Many men prefer a woman with an image of a “clinging vine”
(One who acknowledges men’s superiority and as a source
of strength and makes them feel like one)
However, there is an increasing number of men who would
go for a modern woman, no longer the “Maria Clara” type or
clinging vine but one who projects confidence and charm but
is not dominant.

7. Charming although may not be very beautiful in looks.

8. Neither presumptuous nor domineering, does not initiate a

date or demand or a place of date.
LESSSON 14. Being a Real Gentleman – Basic Courtesies in
Public

Most women admire men who are gentle, polite, thoughtful, For gentlemen only:
considerate and always alert to provide assistance when a
situation so requires. Politeness requires respect for other’s What qualities of a real gentleman do
rights. Being considerate means unselfish display of you see in yourself?
kindness and consideration for people especially for ladies and
the elderly.

Courtesy and consideration are displayed in the following

manner:
Get a lady partner to give you
1. A boy gives his seat to a lady; a younger person gives feedback on the special qualities that
his seat to an elderly or handicapped. she sees in you as a man.

2. When lining up in a bank, theatre, etc. the last one goes to

the end of the line and does not rob others of their space.

3. As an escort, the man behaves as a gentleman if he: Get a lady partner and interview her
 Opens the door of the vehicle for a lady. about her idea of a perfect gentleman.
 Stays on the more risky side of the road when walking or
crossing the street.
 Assist the lady in getting seated, pulls the chair for her to
seat.

4. Not displaying unruly behavior especially when drunk.

5. Always staying alert in extending a helping hand.

6. Not monopolizing a dance with one lady.

7. Not forcing a lady for a dance or a date.

8. Not making advances like touching and hugging a lady.