Cheeseheads

Pilot
by
Christopher F. Reidy

Turquoise Crow Productions

September 9, 2021
TEASER
INT. TAFT SCHMIDT’S APT. CHICAGO -DAY
TAFT SCHMIDT, 30something, blonde and super-model pretty climbs
out from beneath her comforter and searches for her phone which
is ringing. The ringtone is the opening riff of The Police’s
“Roxanne.” She falls out of bed and onto the floor and finds the
phone under a brassiere. She grabs it and answers.

TAFT
Hello? What? What time is it? Oh God! I’m so
sorry! I can be there in twenty minutes—can you
wait? Oh, listen Laraine, I’m so sorry. Yes,
I’ll see you when I get there. (She clicks the
phone off) Shit… (she groans and pulls herself off
the floor).

INT. THE SIGNATURE ROOM AT THE HANCOCK TOWER -DAY

Taft is escorted to a table near the window, where sits her boss,
LARAINE NEWMAN, late 60’s. The waiter pulls out her chair and
ceremoniously presents Taft with a menu. She sits looking a
little worse for the wear, but still impossibly gorgeous. She
removes her Covid mask.

TAFT
Laraine, I’m—

LARAINE
Don’t say anything sweetheart. It’s your
birthday—tomorrow—and I’m not even aware that
you’re late. I was able to make several very
important calls. Which reminds me; Jabul is in
town and he’s dying to see you again!

TAFT
Oh, wait, he’s the…the...the—

LARAINE
Senator.

TAFT
Right.

LARAINE
So, I’ve put together a coffee break and a hot
lunch for tonight, if that’s doable?

TAFT
Oh, uhm, yeah. Sure. I was supposed to drive up to
Green Bay; but seriously. If I can put it off,
I’ll put it off.

LARAINE
What’s in Green Bay? Not one of the Packers!

TAFT
No, my family.

LARAINE
You know Taft, you’ve been working for me for what
now? Ten years plus? And you have never once
told me a single thing about your family…

TAFT
 And why would I? Why would you want to know?

LARAINE
I have an Enquiring mind.

TAFT
Oh really?

LARAINE
I think of all my girls as my family; and as a
mom, I want to know at least a little something.
So, tell me!

TAFT
Fine June Cleaver. Well, there’s my mom and dad.
He’s actually my step-dad. That would be Lorene
and Albert…
CUT TO:
INT. OUTSIDE THINGS NURSERY AND HARDWARE -GREEN BAY WI -DAY
ALBERT MITTERAND, early 60’s, is playing “Voice of the Mummy” (an
elaborate ancient Egyptian themed board-game that talks) at the
front register counter with his friend, AXEL SOUTHWARD, late
50’s. Albert has a bottle of beer. Axel, a martini. Albert
rolls the die and lands on a King Tut mask space. He presses the
button on the game’s mummy shaped sarcophagus. The mummy speaks!

MUMMY
“You have escaped the crushing clutches of the
one-eyed, giant mandrill. Take three jewels.”

ALBERT
 Three! Heh, hee! (He laughs and takes the jewels
from the board).
AXEL
Lucky duck! (He picks up the die) Do mandrills
have only one eye?
ALBERT
Axel, I don’t think anything has only one eye.
Except maybe a cat!
LORENE SCHMIDT-MITTERAND, 60’S, comes from the back, lugging a
bucket of nuts, bolts, screws, etc. She hoists the bucket on the
counter.
LORENE
(To Axel) What are you doing here? I thought you
had flights all week.
AXEL
My blood pressure is up again… (sips his drink).
LORENE
I asked you to sort these, Al.
ALBERT
After the game. I’m winning!
LORENE
(Pouring bucket of hardware pieces onto the
counter, disrupting the game) Now you’re losing.
AXEL
Well, that wasn’t very nice!
LORENE
I’m trying to get my blood pressure down. Why
don’t you make yourself useful Axel and help him?
(She bustles out the door).
AXEL
Speaking of giant one-eyed mandrills—
ALBERT
 (Raising a finger) Nope. I can say whatever I want
about her; but nobody else can. (He swipes the
hardware away and they continue playing the game).

CUT TO: RESTAURANT:

LARAINE
Well, they sound adorable!
TAFT
Sure, adorable. And then there’s my older brother
Gibson. My sister-in-law Natalie is a total
cheese-head.
LARAINE
Well, who isn’t up there?
TAFT
Yeah, she pretty much lives for the Packers; but I
mean she’s a real cheese-head. She grew up on a
dairy farm. This girl actually did things until
the cows came home.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN -NIGHT
The Green Bay home of GIBSON and NATALIE SCHMIDT, 40’s and their
kids FRANCIS (FRANKIE) and ROCHELLE, 16 and 12 respectively.
Rochelle enters the kitchen where her mother is finishing setting
the table.
ROCHELLE
I tried Mom. They’re just ignoring me.
Natalie goes to the kitchen drawer and opens it.
CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT

Gibson and Frankie, both wearing football jerseys are staring at
a football game on the TV with glazed eyes. Natalie enters the
room.
NATALIE
Boys, dinner is ready. (They ignore her. LOUDER)
Boys, dinner is ready… (still no response). Boys.
Dinner is ready. (Still nothing. She raises an
airhorn and pulls the trigger. The two men leap
off the sofa like they’ve been shot out of a
cannon).
CUT TO: RESTAURANT:
LARAINE
I love it! I think I’ll try that with some of my
less motivated girls!
TAFT
Then there’s my Aunt Genie and Uncle Jack. They
make my mom and dad look like…the Cleavers!
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM AT THE GOLDFARB RESIDENCE -GREEN BAY -DAY
IMONGENE “GENIE” GOLDFARB, 60S, finds her husband’s blazer on the
bed. She picks it up and his phone falls out of the pocket.
She’s about to place it on the nightstand when it pings. A beat.
Should she look? She frowns and opens the message. It’s a
close-up photo of a woman’s chest in a very low-cut dress.
Imogene strides out of the room.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -DAY
Imogene’s husband, JACK GOLDFARB, 60’s, is at a baby grand piano.
And he’s having a grand old time, tickling the ivories and
singing “When the Saints Go Marching In” in a jazzy-breezy style.
Imogene suddenly looms over the piano.
JACK
Oh, hi honey! (He keeps singing).
IMOGENE
 Don’t “hi honey” me. (She holds up the phone and
shows him the boob photo) Whose tits are these?
JACK
(Shrugs) Honey, you can’t see her face, so how
would I know?
GENIE
Well, why are whoever’s tits these belong to on
your phone?
JACK
It’s some kind of scam. She probably wants money.
GENIE
Well, those are not the tits of a Nigerian prince.
(She flips the lid of the keyboard cover and Jack
yelps in pain. She storms out of the room).
JACK
(Sucking on a finger) You almost broke the skin!
CUT TO: RESTAURANT
LARAINE
(Squeezing lemon on to a fish-dish) My ex-husband
was a boob man. No wonder he divorced me!
TAFT
(Looking at her plate) I think they overdid this
charred egg-plant…
LARAINE
Send it back. So, is that it?
TAFT
Well, there’s my baby brother Colton…
CUT TO:
INT. GREEN BAY SOUTHWEST GENERAL HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM -DAY
COLTON MITTERAND, late 20’s, is sitting on his desk, talking to
his English class. Many of the male students, including his
nephew Frankie, are wearing Southwest General football jerseys.
 COLTON
…and since we have so many athletes in the class,
I thought we could start out the year by reading
this— (He holds up a copy of A Separate Peace by
John Knowles. The kids GROAN) Wait now…now what’s
with the groaning? You’re gonna love it! It’s all
about jocky guys at a jocky school who jump out of
trees during World War Two! (A female student in a
cheerleading outfit, DEBBY, raises her hand) Yes,
Debby?
DEBBY
It’s Deh-bor-ah. So, like, that’s the war that’s
about M*A*S*H, right?
COLTON
Well, Deborah, M*A*S*H is set during the Korean
War…
DEBORAH
And that’s that place where that Kim Chun-King guy
is planning on taking over, like, the whole entire
world?
COLTON
Sort of. Are there any other questions? (Frankie
raises his hand) Frankie?
FRANKIE
We can read this off our phones, right?
COLTON
No! (More whining from the class) I’m sorry; but I
want you to actually read the words off of a page
made out of actual paper. Look (he holds up the
book) Look at how thin it is! It’s only two-
hundred pages. Fits right in a pocket!
(CONTINUED)
(The bell RINGS) Frankie, I want to speak to you
for a minute (The other students exit and Frankie
 stops at Colton’s desk. Colton holds out his hand)
Hand it over.
FRANKIE
(Sighs as he reaches into his book bag and
retrieves a shiny red apple, which he hands to
Colton) It wasn’t my idea.
COLTON
(Chuckles) Tell your mom I said thanks. (Frankie
starts out the door) Frankie, listen…ahh, you
don’t have a problem being in my class, do you?
FRANKIE
No dude. I mean, everyone knows you’re gay.
COLTON
I meant that I was you uncle.
FRANKIE
Why would that be a problem? I love you bruh!
COLTON
That’s “Uncle Bruh” to you! (He tosses the copy of
A Separate Peace to Frankie who catches it with
one hand). And no Cliff’s Notes!
FRANKIE
Whatever… (he exits and Colton shines the apple on
his shirt and then bites into it with gusto).
CUT TO RESTAURANT:
LARAINE
(Sipping coffee) I thought those boys were gay.
TAFT
Well Colton is. I never even considered my nephew
—

LARAINE
I was talking about the two boys from A Separate
Peace. Anyways, I really think you should— (She’s
interrupted by the wait staff who place a piece of
cake with a candle in it, in front of Taft. They
sing “The Birthday Song” like a choir of angels
and depart the table) I think you should go up to
see your family. You only get one, you know.
TAFT
Which is certainly more than enough. But what
about Jabul?
LARAINE
He’s too kinky for you. He likes those hot fudge
sundaes. I can get Pamela to go. She’s a freak.
TAFT
Well, they are planning a surprise birthday party
for me tomorrow.
LARAINE
Will you be surprised?
TAFT
Only if I make it out of there in one piece. (She
contemplates the candle then blows it out and
hands a fork to Laraine).
LARAINE
By the way…do any of them know about your
alternative lifestyle?
TAFT
No…
LARAINE
You know, sooner or later, someone is going to
find out. Sometimes it’s better if they find out
from the horse’s mouth…instead of some horse’s
ass, right?
TAFT
I’ve managed to keep it a secret this long…
 LARAINE
And we all know that keeping secrets forever is,
oh, I don’t know (She digs into the cake slice
with her fork) A piece of cake!
TAFT
(She half-heartedly laughs and takes a forkful of
cake) Too much vanilla…
LARAINE
You’ve always been a little too much vanilla.

CUT TO CREDIT SEQUENCE.

ACT ONE

EXT. GIBSON AND NATALIE’S HOUSE -LATE AFTERNOON

Taft pulls up in front of the house in a two-seat, luxury
roadster. She looks at the house, smiles and then sighs. She gets
out of the car, and grabs a Neiman-Marcus shopping bag from the
back seat, adjusts her fur coat and goes to the door. She knocks
on the door and before she even gets to knock number two, the
door flies open, revealing her excited young niece, Rochelle.
ROCHELLE
Auntie!
TAFT
Hi Rochelle!
Rochelle pulls her into the house, nearly breaking her aunt’s arm
in the process.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE -LATE AFTERNOON
Rochelle has her aunt in a bear hug.
ROCHELLE
I love your coat!
Natalie comes out of the kitchen and joins the pair.

NATALIE
Hi Taft! Rochelle, let go of your aunt.
TAFT
Hi Natalie (She kneels down and retrieves a box
from the shopping bag and hands it to Rochelle)
This is for you…

ROCHELLE
So cool! (Mispronouncing)Yeveeze Saint Lohrent!
(She pulls the lid off of the box, revealing a
deluxe make-up kit and then throws her arms around
her aunt’s neck).
TAFT
(Over Rochelle’s shoulder to Natalie) That’s
exactly how I used to pronounce it!
NATALIE
(Confused) That’s not how you pronounce it?
ROCHELLE
Mom, can I?
NATALIE
We discussed this. No make-up until you’re
thirteen…
TAFT
 Oh, I’m sorry. I would’ve—
NATALIE
It’s fine. She can keep it. She just can’t wear
it yet.
ROCHELLE
Mom please? Just a tiny bit?
NATALIE
We’ll see. Now go tell your brother your aunt is
here.
ROCHELLE
(As she leaves) Mom, you know “we’ll see” always
means “no.”
CUT TO:

INT. FRANKIE’S ROOM -LATE AFTERNOON

Frankie is reclining on his bed, reading A Separate Peace (the
book, not his phone). A tear trickles down his cheek and he wipes
it away, just as his door bursts open and Rochelle charges into
the room.
ROCHELLE
Auntie Taft is here!
FRANKIE
Shell, I asked you to knock first. Do I have to
start locking the door?
ROCHELLE
Sorry, I forgot. Hey, are you reading a book?

FRANKIE
No, I’m doing the dance of the seven veils… (He
puts the book on the nightstand) I’ll be right
there… (Rochelle leaves and he picks up a gym sock
 off the floor, sniffles and then blows his nose
into the sock) Damn!
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -LATE AFTERNOON
Taft takes off her coat and throws it on the recliner and reaches
into the shopping bag for another box, which she hands to
Natalie.
NATALIE
Oh, Taft, really! You didn’t have to do that!
TAFT
I wanted to.
NATALIE
(Opens the box and removes a Hermes scarf
depicting horses in various stances) Oh my
goodness, a scarf! (Unfolding it) It’s so big!
(Pointing at one of the horses) Oh, this one looks
exactly like Mulligan, my horse on the farm!
Thanks Taft (She hugs her).
TAFT
You can actually wear it as a blouse if you want.
I can show you. It’s a thing. There are online
tutorials and—
GIBSON
(Entering room) Hey daffy Taffy! (He goes to his
sister and they hug).

TAFT
Hi Gib.
She raises her hand and Gibson follows. Shortly, the pair are
performing an elaborate secret hand-shake. Apparently, something
from childhood, it even has phrases like: “Don’t feel bad, don’t
feel blue! Frankenstein was ugly too!” And: “Lean to the left,
move to the right! Peel your banana and OOOMMMPPPHHH, take a
bite!” Natalie, Rochelle and Frankie (who has entered during
this) watch the proceedings in various states of delight and/or
embarrassment.
FRANKIE
Can you teach me that?
TAFT
(Moving towards him) Oh my God! Somebody had a
growth spurt! (They hug) Would you look at these
shoulders?
FRANKIE
(Blushing) Oh Auntie!
TAFT
(Reaching in the bag again; then to Frankie) Look
kid; I was gonna get you a catcher’s mitt or
something but I know you already have everything
they make for all that jock-o stuff, so, I figured
you could figure out what you wanted (She hands
him a credit-gift card).
FRANKIE
Oh Auntie, so Gucci! Thank you!
TAFT
Oh! Well, I’m sure you can use that at Gucci—
FRANKIE
(Laughs) Oh, that just means it’s…like, you
probably would’ve said “neat” back in the day…
TAFT
How old do you think I am?
NATALIE
I hope that’s not too much? How much is on that?
TAFT
Now, that’s between me and Frankie (Natalie bites
her tongue and looks at Gibson: Are you okay with
this?)
GIBSON
(Changing subject) Let me hang up your coat (he
picks it up off the chair) Hmmmm, fancy-schmancy!
I guess Chez Schmidt is doing well, huh?
TAFT
Oh, that old thing? That was grand mom’s. It’s
falling apart.
GIBSON
Which grand-mom? Because I don’t remember either
one of them wearing this (he goes to the closet).
NATALIE
Taft, we’ve been meaning to get down to the city
and see your place; but you know, with the
lockdowns and all, we just couldn’t.
TAFT
Oh, I understand.
NATALIE
But you are reopened, right?
TAFT
Oh, yeah! (Quickly changing subject). So, Frankie,
how’s school?
FRANKIE
It’s fine. I’m in Uncle Colton’s English class,
so that’s a little awkward. More for him maybe.

TAFT
Yeah, I could see that. I’m sure it will be fine.
And you’re still playing ball, I imagine.
 NATALIE
(Scoffs) “Imagine”? We’ve got scouts coming out of
the woodwork. U.M. is interested!
TAFT
You-em? Ummm, what is “U-M”?
GIBSON
(Sitting in recliner with a chuckle) University of
Michigan.
TAFT
Of course! Is that like a big deal or something?
NATALIE
(Disbelieving) Well, it’s only where Tom Brady got
his start!
TAFT
Oh, that’s great Frankie. And you’re using
protection, right?
NATALIE
Pardon me?
TAFT
(Nervous laugh) Oh, well…you know, like a helmet!
For his head! So, he won’t get a concussion or
something like that!
FRANKIE
Well, Auntie, it’s kind of a requirement.
ROCHELLE
Don’t worry, his skull is pretty thick.

GIBSON
Yeah, he comes from a long line of thick skulls;
but you know Taft, I do worry about that—
 TAFT
What?
GIBSON
Head—and neck—injuries…
FRANKIE
Here we go…
NATALIE
(Changing subject. To Rochelle who is still
forlornly looking at the make-up kit) Shell, go
get the lighted mirror from my bathroom.
ROCHELLE
(Realizing) Really? (Her mother nods and Rochelle
is out of the room like lightning. Natalie shoots
a look at Gibson who pretends not to see it).
GIBSON
(Aiming remote at TV) I think the Michigan-Indiana
game is on ESPN… (The awkward silence is overtaken
by the familiar sounds of a televised football
game).
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT
About an hour has passed. The coffee table has drink cups and
bowls of snack foods and a make-shift beauty parlor, where
Natalie and Taft have been showing Rochelle how to properly apply
make-up. They’ve also roped in Frankie, who is getting his eyes
done by his sister.

TAFT
…I would say that blush is the true bane of any
woman’s maquillage. If you think that you’ve
applied too much: you have. Wouldn’t you agree
Natalie?
NATALIE
Sure. Whatever you say Taft.
ROCHELLE
(To Frankie) You look like Adam Lambert!
FRANKIE
Who? Does he go to Southwest? (He looks in the
mirror) I think the purple eyeshadow is a bit much
Shell.
NATALIE
So do I. Go wash that off Francis.
ROCHELLE
Let me get a picture first!
GIBSON
Why, are you gonna blackmail him?
NATALIE
Let me see… (She takes Rochelle’s face in her
hands). I’m not gonna say you’re not beautiful,
because you are. And I don’t think you need any
make-up; but if you like, you can wear a little to
school on Monday.
ROCHELLE
(Looks in mirror) I have to say I look amazing.
But you know what Mom? I think I will wait until
I’m thirteen. (She and Frankie exit the room).
NATALIE
You’re staying for dinner, right?

TAFT
Thanks, but I can’t. I told Colton I’d meet him
for a drink.
GIBSON
Are you gonna stay with mom and dad? (Taft rolls
her eyes and makes a face) You know you can stay
here too.
NATALIE
Rochelle will go out of her mind.
TAFT
Oh, I know…but Colton said he’d put me up. Or put
up with me! May I use the powder room?
NATALIE
Taft, stop. You know where it is. (Taft heads
down the hall. Natalie picks up her scarf and
playfully approaches Gibson and drapes it over
him). What do you think of my present?
GIBSON
That’s a scarf…is what it is. (The price tag is
still dangling from a corner. Gibson looks at it
and does a double-take). She paid four hundred and
fifty dollars for this?
NATALIE
(Looking at tag) Really? Huh! Business must be
pretty good! (Holding scarf against her chest) You
know, you can wear it as a blouse.
(Mispronouncing) It’s Hermeeze!

ACT TWO
EXT. TITLETOWN BREWING COMPANY RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Taft pulls her car into a space, gets out and walks towards the
restaurant, which is housed in an old train station and has a
massive statue of Green Bay Packers player, Donald Driver,
leaping from atop a giant football.
CUT TO:
INT. TITLETOWN RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Taft enters the bar area, which is not very crowded, and sees her
brother Colton at the bar. He waves and comes over to her. They
hug and exchange greetings.
TAFT
Oh, I miss you! (She raises her hand as she did
with her older brother. Colton looks at her
expectantly).
COLTON
What?
TAFT
Whadda ya mean, “what”? (He’s not getting it. She
sighs). The Secret Schmidt Shimmy-Shake!
COLTON
Oh right! I’m a little rusty Taft.
TAFT
Don’t feel bad… (She tries to initiate the hand-
shake but it’s not working). Don’t feel blue…
(Colton tries but hopelessly starts tanking).
Frankenstein was ugly too…(Nada). Oh, forget it!
Let’s have a drink. (They return to where Colton
was sitting at the bar). I just wanted to thank
you again for letting me crash at your place.
COLTON
No problem.
TAFT
I won’t be cramping your style or anything—or with
anyone…?
 COLTON
Definitely not a problem there. In fact, there’s
nothing there. Or more precisely, no one.
TAFT
Can you explain that to me? Have you looked at
yourself in the mirror lately?
COLTON
It’s not all about “looks” Taft.
TAFT
Only people who look like you do, say that.
COLTON
Maybe it’s my medical-grade foot odor problem.
TAFT
Oh, get out! Wait…is that true?
COLTON
Shall I take my shoes off? (He reaches for a
foot).
TAFT
Gross! Gross!
COLTON
(Laughs) I don’t think my feet are any stinkier
than the next guys…
TAFT
Let’s stop talking about smelly feet. What are
you drinking? (She looks at the drink menu) Oooh!
Look at all these beers! Hmmmm, “Titletown Haze-
asaurus Rex.” That sounds interesting.

COLTON
I feel like a margarita.
TAFT
That sounds good too. Sold! (Motions to BARTENDER
who approaches) Two margaritas my good man. I’ll
have mine on the rocks, with salt.
COLTON
Same for me.
TAFT
It’s a little warm in here.
COLTON
You’re wearing a full-length, fur coat in
September. (He helps her out of it). Seriously
Taft, fur? I thought you were a little more—and I
hate this word—woke—than that.
TAFT
This old thing? It was grand-mom’s.
COLTON
Which grand-mom, because I don’t remember—
TAFT
My father’s mother. I don’t think you ever met
her. And besides, whatever little creatures gave
their lives for this coat are long gone. Nothing
is going to change that. I feel like I’m honoring
the—whatever these things are. Or were.
COLTON
Beaver.
TAFT
Pardon me?
COLTON
Sheared beaver. And methinks you’re rationalizing.
TAFT
Colton, I don’t want to talk about my personal
life! (Laughs as the bartender places the drinks
in front of them). And please don’t say
 “methinks.” People will think you’re a nerd,
methinks. Like I used to be.
COLTON
“Used to”? (Taft swats his shoulder). Well, I’m an
out and proud, card-carrying member of the club.
Here’s to nerds! (They clink glasses).
TAFT
(Pointing to stage) Oh, look, they have karaoke!
(She looks around) Well, this place is fun!

Taft does a double take as she watches a pair at a table. A very

small Japanese girl, HIMARI FUKUMOTO, 12ish, places a foam
cheese-wedge hat on the head of a very large Japanese man. He is
her brother, YOSHI FUKUMOTO, LATE 20’S. Himari pulls out a smart
phone and takes a selfie with him. He quickly and sheepishly
removes the hat.
TAFT
That guy looks like a sumo wrestler.
COLTON
He probably is.
TAFT
And he keeps looking at you.
COLTON
No. No he’s not. Is he? (Taft nods and gives a
saucy giggle).
They watch as Yoshi throws some money on the table, stands and
heads towards the exit. He stands stoically, staring straight
ahead. Himari approaches Colton and Taft.

TAFT
Well, hello there young lady. Aren’t you
adorable!
 HIMARI
Thank you. I hope I’m not disturbing you.
TAFT
Oh, sweetie, we’re already disturbed!
HIMARI
(To Colton) My brother was wondering if he may
shoot you his digits. (Colton nearly does a spit
take).
COLTON
Why doesn’t he ask me himself?
HIMARI
He only speaks Japanese and he’s extremely shy.
COLTON
(Looks at Taft: Should I? She nods excitedly).
Okay little girl, shoot away. (He picks up his
phone and Himari relays the phone number then
gives a little bow). So, you’re from Japan?
HIMARI
Yes.
COLTON
Don’t you have school on Monday?
HIMARI
(Giggles) Oh, I graduated from Oxford two years
ago. Thank you so much. My brother will be very
pleased.
She bows again and is gone. She meets Yoshi at the door and they
disappear into the night.
TAFT
Well, that was interesting. He is really cute!
COLTON
Isn’t he!?!
 TAFT
Let’s do some tequila shots.
COLTON
Okay; but just one. Remember you have to be fresh
for this party tomorrow.
SMASH CUT TO:
Close-up of the bar-top. There is definitely more than one empty
shot glass in front of Taft. She downs another one.
COLTON
Taft, honey, I think that’s enough for now.
TAFT
(Two and a half sheets to the wind) Oh,
pssssshhhh-tosssssshhhhh. I’m fine. I had a giant
lunch with my boss…
COLTON
I thought you were your own boss.
TAFT
I am damn it! (She picks up her phone and looks at
her image on the screen and wipes some lipstick
off her teeth. She points at herself on the
screen) Hey lady, you’re not the boss of me! (She
turns to Colton) Why is there a sumo wrestler in
Green Bay Wisconsin?
COLTON
I’ve heard they sometimes come here to try and
break into the NFL.

TAFT
Oh, well, that makes sense. So, what happens when
you and sumo-guy have pillow talk? Is the Oxford
grad going to interpret? How weird would that be?
Grammatically precise, I’m sure; but really weird
(Laughs).
COLTON
Thanks for putting that scenario in my head.
TAFT
(Pinching his cheek) You are welcome!
COLTON
Listen, Taft, I want to talk to you about
something.
TAFT
I’m all ears.
COLTON
A couple of months ago I drove down to Chicago. I
wanted to surprise you at the restaurant. But when
I got there, it was closed.
TAFT
There was a lockdown.
COLTON
No, Taft. There wasn’t. And the restaurant wasn’t
just like, closed. It looked closed, closed.
TAFT
(Abruptly)It went under. Or rather, it went up. As
in “belly up.” Sadly, Taft’s Bistro is no more.
C’est la vie, I guess.
COLTON
So, this is probably none of my business, but,
like, what are you doing for money?

TAFT
 I’m an heiress, remember?
COLTON
Sure. The entire “Outside Things” fortune.
Seriously, Taft. How are you getting by? Because
by the look of things—
TAFT
What things?
COLTON
Well, that coat for one.
TAFT
I told you. That was grand mom’s!
COLTON
That coat is brand new. And don’t think I missed
the Fendi label.

Taft starts to speak but then doesn’t. She looks down at her
glass. She looks at Colton. This is a huge moment. She wants to
get it off her chest. And, she’s drunk.
TAFT
I’m a hooker.
COLTON
(What can he say?) …You…make rugs?
TAFT
Nope. I’m a Lady of the Night.
COLTON
(Hopefully) The graveyard shift at Northwestern
Hospital?
TAFT
I’m a call girl.

COLTON
 Extended car warranties?
TAFT
(Loudly) I’m a whore!
Suddenly, the booze hits her full force and she lurches off the
barstool and starts singing “I’m A Whore” to the tune of “I Am
Woman” with bits of “Lady Marmalade” mixed in. She stumbles onto
the karaoke stage and picks up the microphone. She taps it.
TAFT
Is this on? (It is indeed, ON and she continues
singing). “I’m a woman, I’m a whore, with titties
too big to ignore…and I’ve screwed too much to go
back and pretend…’cuz I’ve done it all before,
when I was down there on the floor…
The BAR PATRONS APPLAUD. Colton has clambered onto the stage and
is trying to get the mic away from her.
BARTENDER
Hey lady, karaoke is tomorrow night!
COLTON
Okay Sis, time to get you home—
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT -NIGHT
Taft is staggering as her brother guides her across the pavement.
She looks up at the football player statue.
TAFT
(Singing to the tune of “Ice, Ice Baby”): Nice ass
baby! Nice ass baby. (Waving her phone which is
shooting off camera flashes) We’ve got the papa-
papa-papa-ronis after us! Hey Colt, let’s get a
selfie with the quarter-back!
COLTON
No. We’re going home now. And he’s a wide-
receiver…
TAFT
 Hey, my co-worker Pam specializes in that!
(Looking about, crosseyed) Dude, where’s my car?
COLTON
It will be fine here overnight. I’ll drive.
They get to his car and he piles her into it.
TAFT
Oh, I love my little baby brother!
CUT TO:
INT. COLTON’S APARTMENT -NIGHT
Colton’s place is tiny but charming, natch. He guides Taft, who
is now muttering nonsense, into the bedroom.
CUT TO:
INT. COLTON’S BEDROOM -NIGHT
Colton moves Taft towards the bed.
TAFT
(Looking into Colton’s eyes) I wanted to be the
next Julia Child, Colton…not the next Xaviera
Hollander…
COLTON
Girl, you gotta get some new references.
He lets her go and she falls to the bed. Colton removes her
shoes. He’s still holding the coat, which he gently covers her
with. He exits the room and leaves the door ajar. He sits on his
sofa and sighs. He takes out his phone and looks at the number
that Himari gave him. His finger hovers above the “Call” icon;
and then the phone RINGS. He answers.
COLTON
Hi Mom. Yeah, she’s here. No, she’s already in
bed. Yeah, she was super tired. I’ll ask her to
call you in the morning—sorry—tell her to call
you. Yes, I’ll see you tomorrow. No, of course I
didn’t tell her about it. Okay. Yep. Good-night.
(He clicks off the phone, sits back on the couch
 and closes his eyes. Then, to himself): Do they
even have cheese in Japan?

TAG
INT. COLTON’S BEDROOM -MORNING
Taft is completely swallowed by the fur coat. Her phone starts
LOUDLY RINGING “Roxanne.” Taft sits up and GROANS and pulls the
coat off her head. She desperately rifles the coat for the
ringing phone. Finally, she finds it, takes it out and answers
it.
TAFT
Hello? (We can hear the voice of Rochelle singing
“The Birthday Song” at the top of her lungs). Oh!
That’s great sweetie! You have a lovely singing
voice… (But the voice doesn’t stop singing) That’s
great Shell, really, really great! (She clutches
her head in the throes of hang-over misery).
Really terrific…gee, I didn’t know this song had
so many verses… (and we FADE TO BLACK).
(OUT)