How Rude Preview 1
How Rude Preview 1
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Acknowledgments
Even if it weren’t the polite thing to do, I would still want to thank the following
individuals whose advice, support, and expertise were essential to the creation
and/or revision of this book.
Joel Anderson, Melissa Banta, Susan Banta, Tim Braine, Angel Colón, Patricia
Colón, Adrienne Covington, Shelley Cross, Ida Del Vecchio, Launa Ellison,
Bruce Embry, Keith Evans, the teachers of FCD Educational Services, Betsy
Gabler, Jay Gabler, Richard V. Goodwin, Eric Grunebaum, Stephen Gustin,
Sue Hallowell, Jan Hassan, Ross Herbertson, John Houchin, Aaron Hubbard,
Norman Jenkins, Sharon Johnson, Paul Jordan, Midge Kimball, Suzanne
Laberge, Alejandro Lobo, Reina O’Hale, John Packard, Janet Packer, Brian
Ogden, Sandi Pei, Nancy Robinson, Amy Rotenberg, Mark Rotenberg, Efrem
Seeger, Maurice Soulis, Renee Soulis, Charles L. Terry III, Desirae Vasquez,
Craig Vezina, and Ned Vizzini, who left us so much, and left us too soon, for
their advice, encouragement, and help in distributing surveys;
Mindy Anderson, Jay Gabler, Ollie Hallowell, Ollie Hallowell Productions, John
Houchin, Jonah Klevesahl, Monica Longe, Greg Nadeau, Kerri Nadeau, Max
Nadeau, Ellen Paquet, Gabrielle Scott, Jill Thunborg, Teja Upadhyaya, David
Waterman, Zoë Wentzel, Jessica Wilber, and the Free Spirit Teen Advisory
Council for reading and commenting on the manuscript;
Toyla Ashe, Adriana Banta, Gabrielle Banta, Max Banta, Sophia Banta, Alex
Herdman, and Patrick Kinsey for their invaluable advice—without rolling
any eyeballs—on teenage computer, smartphone, and social media use
and terminology. (Example: Me: “Do you guys use the expression ‘booting
up’?” Blank stares. “You know, when you turn on your computers.” Blank
stares. “Well, what word do you use for when you turn on your tablets or
smartphones?” Pause. “We never turn them off.” “Oh.”)
Daniel Vest and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) for
suggestions and research data relating to bigotry and homophobia;
Debbie Fiore at the Federation for Children with Special Needs; Brad Pearson,
advocate, Massachusetts Office on Disability; Jody Williams, abuse prevention
project coordinator, Commonwealth of Massachusetts Disabled Persons
Protection Commission; and the Massachusetts Association for the Blind for
providing information on interacting with people with disabilities;
My agents Gail Ross and Howard Yoon of the Ross Yoon Agency for their advice,
support, and generosity;
Darsi Dreyer, Lauren Ernt, Sara Hartman, Steven Hauge, Heidi Hogg, Tasha
Kenyon, Lisa Leonard, Julie Smith, Anastasia Scott, Elizabeth Verdick, and
the staff of Free Spirit Publishing for their enthusiasm, responsiveness, and
unswerving professionalism;
Judy Galbraith, president of Free Spirit Publishing, for her courage and
imagination as a publisher, and her encouragement and good humor as a friend;
Pamela Espeland for her brilliance and creativity as an editor; for putting up
with my authorial moods and bad jokes; for keeping me within the bounds of
good taste (or at least trying to); and for the respect and repartee that made the
process of creating the first edition of the book so stimulating and enjoyable;
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Teens About Town��������������������������������112 Bullying, Bigotry, and
At the Supermarket��������������������������112 Bad Behavior������������������������������������ 209
At the Fast-Food Restaurant��������������113 Bully for You����������������������������������� 209
At the Library����������������������������������114 If You Witness Bullying . . . �������������210
Asking for the Time��������������������������114 If You’re Being Bullied . . . ���������������212
If You’re Someone
4. FAMILY LIFE AND STRIFE: Who Bullies . . . ����������������������������213
Creating the Civilized Home��������� 116 Stopping Sexual Harassment������������214
Family Manners�����������������������������������118 Besting Bigots�����������������������������������217
Fighting Fair���������������������������������������� 124 Civility at School
Around the House������������������������������� 127 Sporting Events�������������������������������� 223
TV Civility�������������������������������������� 130 Spectator Etiquette��������������������������� 223
In the Kitchen��������������������������������� 132 Player Etiquette������������������������������� 224
In the Bathroom������������������������������ 133 Cafeteria Courtesies���������������������������� 227
Sharing a Room����������������������������������� 135 Applying to Colleges��������������������������� 228
The Blended, Shaken, Stirred,
or Mixed Family������������������������������� 143 7. FRIENDS, ROMANCE,
Relatives���������������������������������������������� 151
COUNTRYMEN: Lend Me
Your Peers���������������������������������� 232
5. ARTFUL LODGERS: Taking the The Etiquette of Friendship���������������� 233
Guesswork out of Guestwork��������� 159 Making New Friends����������������������� 233
Being a Guest with the Best���������������� 160 Coping with Cliques������������������������ 234
Responding to Invitations���������������� 160 Handling Friendship
Guestly Behavior����������������������������� 165 Problems Politely����������������������������� 235
The Polite Overnighter��������������������� 167 Peer Pressure����������������������������������� 235
Five Ways to Be a Drinking and Driving���������������������� 237
Good Friend�����������������������������������171 Backbiting��������������������������������������� 238
Being a Host with the Most����������������� 173 Shunning���������������������������������������� 239
Hosting the After-School Guest��������� 173 Taking Sides�������������������������������������241
Hosting Groups������������������������������� 174 Telling Secrets�����������������������������������241
Staying in Hotels��������������������������������� 178 Dodging a Debt������������������������������� 243
Petiquette�������������������������������������������� 179 Jealousy������������������������������������������ 244
True Confessions����������������������������� 245
6. SCHOOL RULES: Civility in Getting Along with Roommates���������� 247
the Land of Tater Tots������������������ 185
The Etiquette of Romance������������������ 251
Rudeness in the Learning Asking Someone Out����������������������� 254
Environment������������������������������������ 186
Being Asked Out������������������������������ 257
Classroom Decorum���������������������������� 195
Dance Decorum������������������������������ 263
To Cheat or Not to Cheat?������������������� 200 Breaking Up������������������������������������ 265
Getting Along with Teachers��������������� 202 Beyond Rude: Abusive
Dealing with the Problem Teacher��� 203 Relationships�������������������������������� 267
Giving Teachers Gifts���������������������� 206 Sex-Ediquette��������������������������������������� 268
Coping with Crushes on Teachers���� 207 Making Out in Public���������������������� 272
Suffering Substitutes������������������������ 208 Being Discreet��������������������������������� 273
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8. EAT, DRINK, AND BE WARY: Weddings��������������������������������������������� 328
Tabled Manners and Food Being a Bridesmaid������������������������� 328
for Thought�������������������������������� 276 Being an Usher������������������������������� 329
Place Settings: Cracking the Code������ 276 Visiting the Sick���������������������������������� 331
Setting the Well-Mannered Table������ 277
A Formal Dinner, 10. TALKING HEADIQUETTE:
Course-by-Course�������������������������� 278 The Art of Conversation��������������� 334
Basic Table Manners��������������������������� 281 Telephone Etiquette���������������������������� 335
Playing with Food��������������������������� 282 Making a Call��������������������������������� 335
Pushing Food Around on Taking a Call����������������������������������� 336
Your Plate������������������������������������� 282 Voicemail���������������������������������������� 337
Food You Don’t Like������������������������� 282 Obscene Phone Calls����������������������� 339
Self-Service�������������������������������������� 283 Telemarketers���������������������������������� 339
Please Pass the . . .�������������������������� 286 Call Waiting������������������������������������ 339
Asking for Seconds�������������������������� 287 Cell Phones��������������������������������������341
Offering Drinks������������������������������� 287 Interactive Voice Response Systems
Elbows off the Table������������������������ 287 (A.K.A. Talking Computers)���������� 344
Getting Food onto the Fork��������������� 288 Letter Etiquette����������������������������������� 345
Eating with Your Fingers����������������� 288 Letters to Your Parents��������������������� 346
Sopping Up Sauce��������������������������� 289 Mail Manners��������������������������������� 348
Dunking������������������������������������������ 289 Stationery��������������������������������������� 349
Ejecting Inedibles���������������������������� 289 Salutations�������������������������������������� 350
Eating Out of Containers����������������� 290 Closings�������������������������������������������351
Buffet Behavior������������������������������� 290 Love Letters��������������������������������������351
Leaving the Table�����������������������������291 The Well-Mannered Conversation������ 353
Napkin Niceties����������������������������������� 293 How to Start a Conversation������������ 353
Utensil Essentials�������������������������������� 294 The Art of Polite Listening��������������� 357
Silverware Signals��������������������������� 295 Corrections and Contradictions������� 360
Using Chopsticks����������������������������� 295 The Art of Polite Expression������������ 363
How to Eat������������������������������������������� 296 Bagging the Bragging����������������������� 365
Dining Out������������������������������������������ 303 How to End a Conversation������������� 366
Deciding What to Order������������������� 304 Dealing with Rude Adults������������������� 368
Going Dutch������������������������������������ 306 When Parents Are Rude������������������� 372
Sharing Food����������������������������������� 308 Is Honesty Always the Best Policy?���� 376
Tipping Tips���������������������������������������� 308 Polite Profanities��������������������������������� 380
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The Safety Net��������������������������������������410 Burping and Belching ��������������������� 450
Trolling for Trouble����������������������������� 412 Yawning �����������������������������������������451
Gaming Without Flaming, Stomach Rumblings �������������������������451
Shaming, or Blaming������������������������ 414 Passing Wind ����������������������������������451
Cyberbullying�������������������������������������� 418 Hiccupping ������������������������������������ 452
Hormonal Happenings ������������������� 453
12. CLOTHES-MINDED:
You Are What You Wear���������������� 423 14. I BEG MY PARDON:
Why Clothes Matter���������������������������� 424 Being Polite to Yourself���������������� 457
The Age of Entitlement: Exercise����������������������������������������������� 458
Choosing Your Own Clothes������������ 427 Eat Right���������������������������������������������� 459
The Big Three Clothing Categories����� 429 Keep It Clean��������������������������������������� 459
Casual�������������������������������������������� 430 Do Nothing������������������������������������������ 460
Semiformal�������������������������������������� 430 Do Something�������������������������������������� 461
Formal�������������������������������������������� 430 Do Unto Others����������������������������������� 461
School Uniforms���������������������������������� 432 Plan Ahead������������������������������������������ 462
Hats in School��������������������������������� 433 Give Yourself Presents������������������������ 463
Well-Mannered Warnings�������������������� 435 Think Well of Yourself and
Braces�������������������������������������������������� 435 the World������������������������������������������ 463
Umbrellas�������������������������������������������� 436 More Ways to Be Polite to Yourself����� 465
13. AHH, AHH, AHH– Answers to the
CHOOOOOO!!!! Body Talk, Chapter Quizzes�������������������������� 472
Hygiene, and Disgusting Habits���� 439
Index����������������������������������������� 476
Things You Do to Your Body �������������� 440
Nose Picking ����������������������������������� 440 About the Author����������������������� 489
Teeth Flossing ����������������������������������441
Zit Popping ��������������������������������������441 List of Reproducible Pages
Spitting �������������������������������������������441 The 14 Do’s and Don’ts
Scratching �������������������������������������� 442 of Toiletiquette��������������������������������� 134
Going to the Bathroom �������������������� 443 Code of Etiquette for Divorced
Knuckle Cracking ��������������������������� 445 or Divorcing Parents�����������������144–145
Gum Chewing �������������������������������� 445 Code of Etiquette for Children
Nail Biting ������������������������������������� 446 of Divorce����������������������������������������� 146
Combing Hair and The 30 Do’s and Don’ts of Classroom
Applying Makeup ������������������������ 447 Etiquette for Teachers���������������������� 198
Producing French Horn–Like Sounds
from Under One’s Arms ��������������� 447 The 30 Do’s and Don’ts of Classroom
Etiquette for Students���������������������� 199
Things Your Body Does to You ����������� 447
Sneezing ����������������������������������������� 448 The 24 Do’s and Don’ts of
Nose Blowing ��������������������������������� 449 Cell Phone Etiquette������������������������ 343
Throwing Up ��������������������������������� 449 The How Rude! Code of Facebook
Coughing ��������������������������������������� 450 Etiquette for Parents of Teens���401–402
Choking ����������������������������������������� 450
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Preface
I wrote the first edition of How Rude! in the mid-1990s. This period was known
as the Stone Age. You may have studied it in school. Life was primitive then.
Teenagers didn’t have cell phones. Most families didn’t have computers. Fewer
than one in six households were connected to the Internet.
If something went viral you gave it an antibiotic.
There was no YouTube. No Facebook. No Google.
No tweeting. No trending. No texting. (I told you it was primitive.)
Harry Potter hadn’t even gotten into Hogwarts.
Yes, it was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. But in many ways it was
a Golden Age. Government worked. (Well, kinda worked.) There was ice in the
Arctic. You could take a flight without an electronic strip search.
Life was good back then. But rudeness was in the air. Go for a walk and
you were likely to be run over by a skateboarder, deafened by a “boom box,” or
snarled at by a sales clerk. Ill-mannered adults were everywhere. And they were
failing in their responsibility to pass along good manners to the next generation.
If adults weren’t going to teach proper behavior, I would have to do it. So I
decided to write a manners book for teens. I felt that my own flawless behavior,
expertise in psychology, and demented sense of humor would make me the per-
fect Etiquette Guru to the Youth of America.
And thus, I began to write the book. Not a boring book about curtsies and
raised pinkies that you might use to squash a bug but wouldn’t be caught dead
reading. No, I wanted to write a practical book that addressed the real lives of real
teens and offered advice on:
• braces and bigotry
• barfing and belching
• backpack attacks
• locker room lapses
• cafeteria courtesies
• classroom coping
• dealing with bullying, rude adults, and total idiots
• picking noses
• popping zits
• giving gifts
• joining cliques
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• breaking up
• breaking down
• making friends
• making enemies
• making out
• dodging dancing
• dumping dates
• artful listening
• clever conversing
• rowdy roommates
• pervy dogs
• bossy parents
• nasty blogs
• carefree carpools
• covert yawns
• super greetings
• stinky johns
So, my book came out and the rest, as they say, is history. Thousands of
schools. Millions of teens and families. All basking in the bountiful benefits of
best behavior. Knowing that treating people with kindness and respect is not only
the right thing to do, but the smart thing to do: Good manners are good for you.
My work is done, I thought. I will leave the world a better place.
Fat chance.
Fast-forward to today. People are crankier than ever. You’ve got spoiled celeb-
rities and vile politicians. Road rage and radio rants. Civility has sunk to new
lows. Some days you go to school and it feels like you’re a Hunger Games tribute.
Yup, the world has changed since I wrote the original How Rude! The biggest
changes have to do with technology and communication. Today, kids come out
of the womb wearing earbuds. Texting teens walk into trees. Parents yell “no elec-
tronics at the table.” Ask people about their “significant other” and they’ll show
you their smartphone.
With all these changes I knew I had to revise the whole book, updating it
for the 21st century. Here’s just some of what’s new in the new and improved
How Rude!
New surveys. For the original How Rude! I asked teens, parents, and teachers
for their ideas on manners—good and bad. I had to read each paper-and-pencil
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survey manually, first question to last, counting thousands of little hash marks,
to record answers and score questions. For the new How Rude! I created three
online surveys for parents, teachers, and teens. This time around I had comput-
ers to analyze data and calculate statistics, revealing what teens and adults really
think about one another’s behavior. What’s the rudest thing anyone’s ever done
to you? If someone’s rude is it okay to be rude back? Is sexting bad manners?
You’ll find answers to these and many other questions in the new How Rude!
Facebook etiquette. Parents who want to friend you? Drama queens who
Facebook their meltdowns? Friends who bombard you with updates and post your
photo without permission? Classmates who spread nasty gossip and rumors? In
this brand-new section you’ll discover polite ways to deal with Facebook faux pas.
You’ll find 24 Facebook Do’s and Don’ts suggested by genuine teens. There’s also
a “Code of Facebook Etiquette for Parents” that you can show to you know who.
Tips for texting. According to my latest surveys, what really bothers teens is
when they spend time with friends—who spend that time texting. Or, as one teen
put it, “If you’re with me, be with me.” And you know what the #1 adult complaint
about teen behavior is? Teens using electronic devices at inappropriate times. With
so many teens texting and messaging, it’s a whole new way of relating that’s ripe
for rudeness. So you’ll find in the new How Rude! the latest tips for knowing when
(and when not) to text; when (and when not) to use abbreviations, emoticons, and
Internet slang; how to deal with textaholic friends; and much, much more.
Twittiquette. It’s amazing how much pollution 140 characters can create. With so
many people tweeting their every thought and move, the Land of Twitter is awash
in litter. If you’re a Twitter heavy hitter, you need to know the latest rules of the
road for traveling down Tweet Street. Sweet.
Cyberbullying. Think of it as bullying to the power of 10. Thanks to social media
and the Internet, an act of bullying that might once have been witnessed by five
people can now be witnessed by 5,000,000! And it can be done anonymously and
last forever. The new How Rude! contains advice on how to handle cyberbullying—
whether you’re a target, a bystander, or a perpetrator.
Airport protocols. Back in the 1990s, if you went to the airport to take a flight
you’d scream for security if some stranger started pawing all over you. Today,
post 9/11, it is security pawing all over you. So here’s an updated guide for airport
etiquette and friendly flying.
Hugging. Hugging is the new handshake. With more and more teens catching a
clinch, it’s time to lay out some new rules for the etiquette of embracing.
These are just some of the bigger changes in the new How Rude! But there
are a lot of smaller changes as well. Some topics—like video store manners and
fighting over the newspaper—were so last century they had to go.
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Other topics needed makeovers to reflect new terms, new technologies, and
the advancement of knowledge: In with voicemail, out with answering machines.
Hello iPod, good-bye Walkman. You’ll find new advice for online invitations, help-
ing sick friends, talking to computers, the best way to sneeze—and much more!
The building blocks of good manners—respect, empathy, kindness, and
consideration—never change. But times do. And when times change, manners
change. If you’re going to keep your edge, you’ve got to stay on top of these
changes. You need to master Politeness Two-Point-O. This book will help you do
just that.
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1
Minding
Manners
Nobody’s Polite Anymore, Why Should I Be?
This is a book about manners. If that makes you feel like throwing up, at
least say “Excuse me” before rushing to the bathroom.* You have every
reason to feel queasy upon hearing the word manners. For it is under the
guise of teaching manners that young people are subjected to a blizzard
of rudely imparted criticisms. When adults do it, they call it “correcting.”
When you do it, they call it “being fresh.”
“Use your fork.”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full.”
“Sit up straight.”
“Look at me when I’m talking.”
“Don’t interrupt.”
If the idea of learning good manners makes you feel like a dog being
trotted off to obedience school, this is understandable. But if you turn
your back on manners, you end up hurting yourself. This is because hav-
ing good manners involves a lot more than knowing not to drink from
the toilet bowl. It means knowing how to handle yourself in your life and
relationships. And people who know how to handle themselves come out
on top. They get what they want, feel good about themselves, and enjoy
life to the fullest.
*See “Ralphing” for more on the etiquette of upchucking.
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© 2014 Free Spirit Publishing. All rights reserved.
This book will show you how to become a master of the art—and
game—of proper social behavior. It will answer real questions from teen-
agers across America—such as:
“Is Miss Manners dead yet?”
Good gracious, no. She lives in Passaic with two cats and a doily.
“Do you have to extend your pinkie when drinking from a teacup?”
This practice is no longer necessary. But under NO circumstances should
you extend your middle finger!
You’ll find out things you’ve always wanted to know:
• Why do adults get mad when you text?
• How do you tell people they have spinach in their teeth?
• How much should you tip the pizza guy?
• Why should you be nice to people you don’t like?
• Who came up with these ridiculous rules, and why are we expected
to follow them?
You’ll discover:
• the 14 Do’s and Don’ts of Toiletiquette
• the best way to ask someone out
• surefire strategies for getting invited back wherever you want
hOw • secrets of dressing for tactical advantage
Rude!
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© 2014 Free Spirit Publishing. All rights reserved.
• the most effective ways to put rude people in their place
• proper techniques for spitting, scratching, sneezing, yawning,
coughing, hiccupping, nose-picking, and zit-popping
By now, you may be thinking Holy Napkin Ring! I never knew manners
could be such a source of power, pleasure, and self-confidence. Or you may
still find it heretical to embrace the etiquettical. You’re thinking Manners,
shmanners. Nobody’s polite anymore, why should I be? Thank you for asking.
Dear Alex
“Aren’t manners just for snobs and rich people?”
Not at all. Snobs, by definition, have bad manners. This is because
snobs, in their attitudes and behavior, make people feel inferior and
unschooled. This is the height of rudeness! If others put you down for
using the wrong fork, they’re the ones with terrible manners.
As far as rich people go, good manners are the one thing money
can’t buy. All you have to do is take one look around you to realize that
rudeness is an equal opportunity annoyer. Thus, manners are a great
equalizing force in society.
It’s true that some rules of etiquette are more likely to be practiced
by the affluent (for example, tipping the wine steward or setting a formal
dinner table). And that the rich, because they have money, can get away
with bad manners in ways that others can’t. But a nose being picked at
the dinner table is disgusting—whether its owner is rich or poor.
Dear Alex
“Why are manners so important? Isn’t it what’s inside a person that
counts?”
Certainly, but nobody’s going to stick around long enough to know the
“real you” if being in your presence grosses them out.
hOw
Rude!
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© 2014 Free Spirit Publishing. All rights reserved.