The Friendship Formula

How to Make Friends and Build Close Relationships

By
Austin Barnes

Copyright © 2006 by Austin Barnes

All Rights Reserved

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 INTRODUCTION

Every person would like more friends. Friends make life

interesting. They add fun and excitement. They are one of the joys

of life. Close relationships and relationships with the opposite sex

are a key part of life.

However many people have few or no f riends. Some people may

have dozens of casual friends, but no close friends. I know the

feeling.

My Story

In high school I had friends but no real close friends. Just out of

high school, I was involved in sales for two years. After studying

many books, I discovered a simple way to make quick friends.

Customers quickly became my friends. Not only did they buy,

many are still my friends today. At college I applied what I had

learned in sales. It worked excellent. I was well known and made

many friends.
However, I kept hitting a brick wall in my relationships. The

relationship would only go so far and would not get any deeper.

My last semester at college I discovered a secret that has

revolutionized my friendships and relationships. Now, I can easily

build a friendship and/or deepen a relationship with just about

anyone. However, not everyone can be our close friends for a

variety of reasons.

I have taken what I have learned about friendships and

relationships and created The Friendship Formula. The

Friendship Formula is based on the my acronym TICKS.

The Friendship Formula works in virtually every relationship:

• Dating

• Husband/wife

• Parent/Child

• College

• Business

• School

• Etc.
Before we get to The Friendship Formula let me share with you

five foundational principles for making friends and deepening

relationships.

Chapter #1

Foundational Principles
Principle #1: Not everyone can be a close friend or best friend.

Due to our differences and other factors, not everyone can be our

best friend. Personalities may clash or we may have very little in

common with a specific person. Close friendships take time and

keeping up with people. This may limit who we can be close

friends with, though email and phone can do wonders.

Principle #2: Friendship happens and cannot be forced.

There are strategies and techniques you can use to put you on the

path towards a successful friendship. However, you cannot force a

friendship. When you try this, it falls apart.

As you apply the friendship formula, a friendship will either

naturally develop or it may not. Don’t worry if it does not work in

every situation with each person.

Principle #3: Focus on making friends with those who add value

to your life.

There are some people that help us become better people, while

others tear us down. Some people use us, other enhance our life.

Choose to build close friendship with those who add value to your

life.

Principle #4: Friendships are based on common interests.

Opposites may attract, but it is ultimately what people have in

common that make a friendship. This does not mean that you have

to have everything in common with each person. Just focus on

what you do have in common and allow the friendship to develop.

Principle #6: Friendship is based on trust.

If we cannot trust a person, they cannot be our friend. Look at

some of the ways people break trust:

• Sharing secrets

• Talking behind a person’s back.

• Lying

• Verbal abuse.
You build trust by keeping your word and treating others with

respect.

The next chapter reveals how to keep conversations interesting.

Chapter #2:

Levels of Conversation

There are different levels of conversation you carry on with

people. You may talk about the weather with a clerk, but not share

your personal lifetime goals.

Understanding the different levels of conversation is key to

friendships.

Level 1: Clichés. How are you doing? How was your day? I’m

fine. I’m doing OK.

Level 2: Facts. What did you do this weekend? How many

siblings? I went to a football game this weekend. The cities largest

company is laying off 10% of their work force.

Level 3: Opinions. What do you think about the new President?

This new teacher is boring,

Level 4: Feelings, emotions, needs. How did you feel your day

went? I am disappointed about what happened. I am feeling

discouraged.
Level 5: Personal feelings, goals, plans, and openness.

Observe your conversations with others. These levels will jump out

at you. If you are always carrying on Level 1 or 2 conversations

with people, you probably don’t have close friends.

However, the people you share level 4 and five are probably close

friends. Lets move on to levels of friendships.

Chapter #3:

Different Kinds of Friends

There are different levels of friendship. Your roommate

may be a good friend, while your neighbor may be an

acquaintance.

Acquaintances

This is a person with whom you have occasional contact. It could

be certain coworkers, neighbors, or people at school. You know

who they are and a little about them. They know you and you have

occasion chats. Your discussion generally revolves around Level 1

and maybe some Level 2 conversation with clichés.

Casual Friendship
A casual friend is one with whom you have some connections

with. There are some similar interests and you may enjoy the

company. You spend a little more time with these. Your

conversations may reach down to level 3 with opinions.

Close Friend

A close friend is someone with whom you can call up and just chat

about the day. You have similar interests. You enjoy talking with

them. A person can be open with them and share their feelings,

fears, goals, and desires. Conversation is on all levels.

Best Friend

Due to the time and energy it takes, we have very few of these.

These could be our closest friends. I have seen married couples

who are best friends and others who are not.

In your friendships and relationships, you want to move to the

higher stages of friendship. However, it is not always clear cut and

dried.

Remember this fact:

Your level of friendship is determined by how you are both

sharing.
If one person is sharing on level 2 while the next is sharing on

level 4, that is not a two way friendship. At college I realized that I

would share on level 2 and sometimes 3. Though others would

share with me about their feelings on level four, it was not a close

friendship because I was on level 2.

How does a person move from an aquaintance to a good friend?

Keep reading.

Chapter 4:

Why Some People Have No or Few

Friends

Reason #1: They have not taken the time to build friendships.

Friendships take time. If a person is working all the time and not

spending time with people, they will not make friends. It also takes

calendar time. You cannot become close friends in just a few days.

Reason #2: They don’t know how or lack confidence.

This can be a big issues. The Friendship Formula will help you on

this one.
Reason #3: There is a changeable problem in their personality

which prevents friendship.

I have watched and observed people and discovered these are the

top personality problems.

• Talking too much. Dale Carnige said,

• Trying to get people to like them.

• Come across as desperate for friendship.

• Lack of interest in other people.

• Personal hygiene issues.

If you have trouble with making friends, talk with someone. Ask

them why. They should give you a good answer.

Notice I said changeable features. Because we are each unique

there are things about us that will hinder some people from

building a relationship with us. However, change what we can.

Chapter 5:

The Friendship Formula

It is now time to learn The Friendship Formula.

The Friendship Formula can be remembered by the acronym:

TICKS.

Time

Interest

Connections

Kindness

Sharing

With this formula you can rapidly make friends and take

relationships to a deeper level.

Time

It takes time to build a friendship. First, a person has to spend time

with people. This could be through emails, personal visits, or

phone calls. It can be doing activities together. There is a price to

pay for friends—time.

If you want to make friends, you will have to put time and effort

into it. Though it takes work a close relationship in marriage,

dating, or any friendship is a great reward. A person cannot expect

to make or have friend if they only spend a few minutes with

people a week.
Second, it takes calendar time to build friendships. You can make a

quick friend in a few minutes or an hour. However, it takes time

over days, weeks, months, even years to really build the deep

friendships. A person needs to remember this in relationships with

the opposite sex.

Take control of your life and schedule people in. That is the only

way to make friendships. If you keep putting it off, you will be

lonely for life. Take the imitative.

What can you do right now to start spending more time with

people?

Interest

Friendship is not just spending time with people, but showing

interest in them. The best way not to make friends is to try and get

people to be interested in you. This can be through:

• Trying to impressing people with stories

• Always talking about yourself and what you want to talk

about.
Many people will not show any interest period. This can often be

due to shyness, however, it still makes a person come across as

cold and boring. Shyness is not an excuse not to show interest.

You must take an interest in the person you are building a

friendship with. What if you don’t feel like being interested in

people? You act interested and you will soon start to feel

interested.

There are two ways to show interest in people:

1. Asking Questions

2. Listening

When I was in face to face sales, I would show interest through

questions and then listen. This is how a person easily and

quickly makes quick friends and leaves a great impression.

These people are well liked.

Asking Questions:

What questions does a person ask? Later you will see a list of 117

you can choose from to help promote friendship. Here is an

Acronym which is quite helpful for thinking up conversation topics

and questions.

1. Family. How are your parents? How many kids? How is

the health?
 2. Occupation. How’s work going? What do you enjoy about
your job?
3. Recent events. The most recent event is what was just said
by that person. It also includes news, recent activities by
both of you, etc. Did you hear about the ____ on the news?
How was the party this weekend?
4. Things. Look around you and ask or make a comment
about something. Nice car! Which dealership did you get it
from? I noticed your Math book. How are you enjoying the
class?
5. Hobbies. What hobbies are you involved in? How did you
decide to get into this hobby? How do you like to spend
your time?

Some more good questions are:

• What do you enjoy about ______? (Parenting, raising kids,

your job)

• How do you like to spend your time?

• What do you find challenging about…

• How did get started in this? (Job, etc).

When asking questions you are finding out their opinions, facts,

values, and thoughts. They will enjoy being with you because you

showing interest. Furthermore, you will be building the

relationships. With practice you will get better and better.

Listening

If you can listen, you will be great at conversation. You

will be a good friend and people will want to be your friend.

However, don’t forget about showing interest in people.

Here are some ways to be a great listener:

• Eye contact. Around 75% of the time is good.

• Gently move your eyes around the eyes and nose area to

avoid staring.

• Listen for keywords as this will keep your attention. It will

also give you free information to ask about.

• Nonverbally let them know you are listening. By nodding

your head, etc.

• Verbally let them know you are listening by throwing in

some comments like, “I see”, etc.

• Tilt your head slightly to the side as this shows interest

• Lean forward slightly, as this shows you are interested

These are techniques to improve your listening skills. However,

remember to sincerely listen and want to listen.

Kindness:

Kindness attracts people and helps in the friendship building

process. Kindness is a choice. It is choosing to be nice to the other

person, even though you may not feel like. Here are five ways to

show kindness.

Smile
A smile on your face will brighten your day as well as the people

around. The smile shouts to the world that you are confident and in

a good mood. It invites people to want to talk with you. Your voice

sounds warm and friendly when you are smiling.

What if you re not in a good mood? Smile anyways. A study

showed that smiling will actually make a person feel better.

Greeting people with a smile, shows that you are glad to see them.

Allow People to Save Face

A friend of mine, forgot to bring something to me at an event. I

really needed that item. He apologized. Instead of me rubbing it in

his face, I said, “That happens. I forget things also.” By me saying

this he was saving face and I was not going to use it as a wedge in

the relationship.

When people mess up. Don’t exploit it or make a joke (unless you

are good friends). They will appreciate it.

Don’t hold grudges

I have spoken with people who are holding grudges for 10 or

twenty years. They were wronged in the past and they just won’t

let go.

Do you hold grudges against people? Counselors have discovered

that a grudge or bitterness affects many relationships. A grudge

against a parent can affect current family life. Let things go.

Build people up with your words.

Our words can either tear down or build it. I can watch couples

interacting. The expressions on their faces will show whether they

are being built up or tore down.

• Complement and praise

• Be polite with thank you and yes.

These little kind acts all add to be being a good friend. What’s

more is that when you apply these, other people tend to treat you

with kindness also.

Share their Joy.

Have you every had something exciting and went to share with

someone and they tossed abucked of cold water over you? Instead

of sharing your excitement they it minimize or just talk about

themselves. Don’t be like them

 Chapter 6:

Connections—The Fuel of Friendship

Understanding the power of connections is extremely
important. A connection is a link or bond between two people. It is
something two people have in common or are both interested in.
Some examples:

• Similar interest in the stock market, cooking, sports, dogs,

etc.
• Similar background.
• Similar knowledge about a subject.
• Same job.
• Something you both enjoy talking about.

Fun conversations happen when the topic is something you both

enjoy talking about. Friendships are built around connectsions. The
more you have in common the easier the friendship.

To build friendships you need to find connections and strengthen

those connections.

Find Connections

You have something in common with virtually everyone around

you. In other words you can build a friendship in some area with
about anyone.

With Larry my friendship revolves around a similar interest

in Sports.
 With Levi it revolves around similar background.
With Sam it our friendships is based on the fact we like to
play Tennis.
Etc.

The key is to find what you have in common and strengthen the
connection. How? Ask questions. As you listen you will hear them
mention topics you enjoy talking about. Jump on those
connections.

You will also hear activates they enjoy doing. If you enjoy the
activity also, that is one way to build the friendship.

Here are some example questions to ask:

What do you enjoy doing?

What do you enjoy talking about?

Build Connections

Now that you know what you have in common, strengthen those
connections. Spend time going to the movies, playing games,
rollerblading, etc. Talk about the topics that interest you.

On virtually every person you will find that you have connections
in different areas. What you want do is build the friendship around
these connections

Don’t forget to…

Sharing
At college I applied two keys to building friends. I asked questions

and I listened. This builds a lot of quick friends, however, I kept

hitting a brick wall. A friendship would only go so far, and then

there was this wall.

I was showing interest an the other people were talking on a four

level at times about their feelings and goals. However, I was stuck

back at one or two and not sharing much. In a sense they were

lopsided friendships.

After one teacher hammered into us the importance of being open

in relationships, I decided to try it. With some of my closer friends,

I talked more and share more about my goals, disappointments,

feelings, etc.

The results were amazing. I smashed through the brick wall and

was able to build some close friendships. Some of those I still have

today, others I have not kept up due to time.

Interest and listening are important, but you have to share about

your feelings, your disappointments, etc. Here are some ways you

need to open to your friends to strengthen relationships.

Share your how much the friendship means to you.

This takes wisdom but at different times let your friend know how

much they mean to you. With just a casual friend or acquaintance,

you may sincerely say you enjoy talking with them and visiting

with them.

Don’t just listen, but appropriately share about yourself so the

other person has a chance to get to know you.

Sharing on Different Levels

There are five levels of conversation/intimacy.

Level 1: Clichés.

Level 2: Facts.

Level 3: Opinions.

Level 4: Feelings, emotions, needs.

Level 5: Personal feelings, goals, plans, and openness.

Chapter 7

Building New Friends

 You now know TICKS.

Time

Interest

Connections

Kindness

Sharing

It is time to use this to build some new friends. Start with

your current friends or people you know somewhat. Start showing

Interest in them and being Kind. As you talk and listen, look for

Connections. Keep spending Time with them and be sure to share.

If you have trouble carrying on conversations, use some of the

questions in the appendix to liven things up.

You can also check out www.conversation-miracle.com . I wrote

this book to show people how to have Dynamic Conversation

Skills in less than one hour.

Taking Your Current Relationships Deeper

Do you have a current friendship or relationship you would

like to deep or people you want to be closer to? It could be

marriage, dating, or just casual friendship.

Remember to apply the TICS especially the time aspect.

Then you can use questions to move through different levels of

friendship. This can be done in a couple conversations or over

weeks or months.

Below are questions that can help you get to know people..

Just pull out a few the next time you visit someone. When asking

these questions. A few tips as you ask these questions and use

TICS:

1. Ask appropriate questions to the person. A lady who has

lost her husband recently probably does not want to hear

“What do you want to accomplish before you die?”

2. Be ready to answer the question yourself. If they do not

return the question, feel free to share your answer.

3. Don’t grill the person, make sure you share and ask

questions.

CONCLUSION

You may be thinking, I knew most of this before. That may be

true. My question to you is this: “Are you applying it?” If not,

remember TICS and get out their and make friends and build

relationships.

117 Conversation Questions

1. What have you done for fun 14. Ask if they saw an interesting TV

lately? program.

2. Did anything interesting happen 15. What sports do you play or like?

this week? How long have you played?

3. What are you doing to stay busy 16. What did you do this weekend

these days? (week)?

4. How did you end up getting into 17. Have you been to _________?

this career? 18. What kind of foods do you like?

5. What are some major 19. Where are you from?

challenges you face in parenting 20. Where did you go to school/college?
these two kids? (Working at this
21. Have you read any good books
job, doing this project, etc.)
lately? What did you enjoy about
6. What books, movies, tapes ,or them?
magazines do you like? Why?
22. What do you normally do for fun?
7. How do you spend most of your
23. Do you like (an interest of yours)?
time?
24. If you could live anywhere in the
8. If you could live in anywhere
world, where would it be and why?
where would you choose and
why? 25. What place do you want to visit
most?
9. Who is one person who has had
a lot of influence on your life? 26. If you couldn't do what you are

Why? doing for a living, what else would

you do?
10. You look really nice, where did you
get ________? 27. If you could interview anyone living
or dead, who would it be?
11. How was work?
28. If you knew then, what you know
12. Have you seen any movies recently?
now, what would you have done
How did you like it/them?
different in your teen years?
13. What kind of music do you listen to?
29. If your house were on fire and you, 39. If you could change one thing in
your family and pets were all out the world what would you
safely and you could only grab 3 change?
things to take out, what would they 40. If you could change one thing
be? about yourself what would you
30. What is your earliest childhood change?
memory? 41. What is the most important thing
31. If you were to describe the perfect in your life?
marriage in a few simple sentences, 42. What is the one thing you
how would you do it? couldn’t live without?
32. If you wrote a book, what would it 43. What is your favorite movie of all
be about? time? Why?
33. If you knew you'd be financially 44. What is your favorite book of all
taken care of for the next year, what time? Why?
would you do with your time or
45. What is the hardest thing about
where would you go?
being _____ years old?
34. What childhood games do you
46. What is the best thing about
remember playing?
being ______ years old?
35. If you knew you had 24 hours to live
47. Describe your perfect day.
what would you do?
48. What job would you never want
36. If you could be invisible for a day,
to have?
where would you go, and what
would you do? 49. Who is your best friend? Why
are they your best friend?
37. What are some of your greatest
fears? 50. Would you rather mow the lawn
for 8 hours or give a book report
38. What has been the happiest day
in front of 500 kids?
of your life?
51. What’s your favorite car and
why?
52. Who would you most like to 65. How did you two start going
meet?
together?
53. In what other country would you
66. What are some of your good and
most like to live?
bad habits?
54. What things don’t boys
understand about girls? 67. What is one of the world’s greatest

55. What things don’t girls problems?

understand about boys? 68. What are some of your favorite
56. What embarrasses you the
topics of discussion?
most?
69. If you could ask God one question,
57. If you could take a family
vacation any place in the world, what would it be?

where would you go? 70. What traditions did you have

58. If you had three wishes, what growing up?

would they be? (You’re not
71. If you could be a famous person in
allowed to wish for money or
another wish!) history, who would you be?

59. How do you know the host here 72. What subjects did you enjoy in
at the party? school?

73. Imagine you had a totally free day.

60. What are some of your pet Peeves?
How would you spend it?
61. What are some of your hobbies?
74. Imagine you had 5000 dollars. How
62. What you good at?
would spend it?
63. What would you like to be doing in
75. Who has had the greatest impact on
3 years?
your life?
64. Describe the ideal job?
76. What books do you like to read?
77. What movies do you enjoy 88. How do you enjoy spending your

watching? free time?

78. What makes you laugh? 89. What is your favorite time of year?

79. What makes you happy, content or 90. What is really

joyful? important to you in life?

80. What have been some things in life 91. Growing up, what were your

that you have really enjoyed? childhood ambitions? Why did they

81. Describe a time when you were change?

really scared in life? 92. What are some main differences you

82. Describe an ideal vacation? see between guys and girls?

83. At the end of your life, after looking 93. What are your top three abilities?

back, what do you hope to 94. What have been some difficult or

accomplish? challenging experiences in life.

84. What are some of your likes and Why?

dislikes? 95. What advantages or disadvantages

85. Where were you born? How did do you see in your position (birth

your parents end up being there? order) in the family?

96. What do you appreciate most about

86. If you were going to give a talent each brother and sister?

show, what would you do? 97. What special traditions does your

87. What is your favorite family have?

place to eat?
98. What advantages or disadvantages 105. What is some of the best

do you see in your growing up advice you have ever been given?

experiences? 106. What is your greatest

99. What kind of jobs have you been hindrance to communication?

employed in? 107. Why do so many

100. Have you ever had an relationships fall apart?

experience where you almost died 108. If you could ask God one

and did that change your thinking? question, what would be?

101. If the house was on fire and 109. What is your earliest

you could grab 3 things, what would childhood memory?

you grab? 110. If you could relive your

102. Of all the places you have family life, what things would you

visited, which ones have you liked do similarly, and what would you do

the most? differently?

103. What is your idea of great

entertainment? 111. What subject matter piques

your interest and curiosity?

104. Looking back, what are

some things you wish people had 112. What Museums do you enjoy

told you before you entered high visiting?

school?

113. Name some people who have

had some great impact on your life?

114. What are some things you 116. Identify three things that you

have done in life which you have want to accomplish in the near

really enjoyed? future.

115. If you knew that you would 117. Identify three things that you

die tomorrow at midnight, how want to accomplish long-term.

would live you tomorrow?