Decision Making/Problem Solving With Teens
Original author: Eileene Welker, Extension Educator, Family and Consumer Sciences,
Tuscarawas County
Reviewed and edited by Kara Newby, Program Coordinator, Family and Consumer
Sciences
We make decisions every day, big and little. Decision making is an important skill to
teach to children of all ages, because parents want children to grow up to be
independent, responsible, happy adults. Some research has shown that those who are
able to evaluate a situation and make a decision are often more successful in life.
Decision making skills should start early with giving young children small choices
between two options. However, as children turn into teens they will need to learn to
make more decisions as they develop independence. Learning and using a decision
making and problem solving process will help teens grow toward this goal.
Teens need to make more and more of the decisions affecting them. They will learn
and grow from their successes and their mistakes. If parents make most of the
decisions for them, they will not be ready to take on this task as they become adults.
How can you, as a parent, help them learn decision making skills? Teach them how to
work through the steps in decision making and let them make decisions. Frequently
you may be involved in the process, and you can model appropriate actions. This is
also a great opportunity to open communication between you and your child.
Six Steps to Decision Making/Problem Solving
1. Identify and define the problem. Consider what an optimal outcome or goal might be.
2. List possible options/alternatives.
Use a brainstorming technique where you put a lot of ideas on paper. It is
important to let the teen come up with the first idea and put it down even if it
doesn't seem workable to you. If they can't seem to get started (give them time to
think first), ask if you may make a suggestion. Making it silly or outlandish may
encourage them to be free to say their ideas.
Keep going until you can't think of any more ideas/options. Remember not to be
judgmental. This is just a gathering of ideas.
3. Evaluate the options.
Let the teen evaluate the options, with you there for guidance, support, and
encouragement. If you see a point they are not thinking of, ask them if you can
bring up a point. By asking their permission to bring up a point, they are more
likely to really listen to your point and not consider it a lecture or put down of their
ideas and thought process.
Having the teen ask the following questions can help them evaluate their options:
Is it unkind? Is it hurtful? Is it unfair? Is it dishonest? Is it in line with the goal?
4. Choose one option.
It is important that the solution to the problem does not create a problem for
someone else.
5. Make a plan and do it.
This is probably the most difficult step. If their choice is not acceptable to the
other person, they may need to go back to the list of options.
6. Evaluate the problem and solution.
This is probably the most neglected step in decision making but it is critical to the
learning process. Look at: What brought the problem about? Can a similar
problem be prevented in the future? How was the present problem solved? They
can feel good about their success—or learn and take ownership of looking for
another solution. Avoid saying, "I told you so," if their solution didn't work.
Cooperative Problem Solving
Cooperative problem solving is a way to deal with disagreements between parent and
teen. It builds on the six-step decision making model.
1. Present the problem.
2. Look for agreements that lead to solutions.
At every point, parents should look for agreement. Watch out for when it changes
from "let's work this out" to "let's fight."
3. Gather information on the perceptions of everyone concerned.
For example: A teen doesn't do a chore when you ask him/her or gets very angry
with you. It is often best to wait until a later time when you are both calm. Ask the
teen how he/she feels about doing the chores. The teen may reply something
like, "It wasn't a good time for me."
4. Stick to the issue and listen.
Instead of replying with a sarcastic comment like, "It never seems to be a good
time," try reflecting their feelings: "So you were busy at the time?" When kids
start sharing their feelings, parents need to listen carefully for the feelings
underneath the words. They may not be used to sharing feelings and may be
wary that a lecture is coming. He or she might reply, "Yes, I hate it when you say
‘Do it now.'" Parent: "Oh, I didn't know you felt that way. Do you have any other
feelings about it?"
5. Keep asking: "Is there anything else?"
It is important to keep asking this question until it all comes out. Otherwise you'll
probably be dealing with surface issues rather than deeper issues. Use
responses that reflect what they have just said to see if you are understanding:
"So that's your least favorite chore?" Then ask: "Is there anything else?"
6. Reflect your understanding.
See if you can summarize and say back to your teen in a calm, neutral voice
what he/she just said to you. If your teen says that isn't what he/she meant, ask
him/her to clarify. By this point the parent should be aware of how their teen is
feeling about the issue and probably others.
7. Share your perceptions.
One way to guarantee a nonreceptive teen audience is to share your perceptions
with your kids before asking if they are willing to listen. There is something
magical about getting their permission first that invites listening and cooperation.
After they have agreed to listen, share your perceptions of the problem. Remain
calm and do not put them down. Just share your feelings.
8. Ask your teen to reflect their understanding.
Parent: "Can you tell me what you just heard me say?" Let them respond. It is
helpful for a parent to respond that they weren't criticizing them, but just sharing
their feelings. Also state that you realize that it may be different for them and
that's okay.
9. Brainstorm for solutions.
Now you both have shared thoughts and feelings and had them respected by the
other (validated). It's time to ask the question, "Could we see if we can come up
with some ideas we can both live with?" Then brainstorm ideas.
Agree on a solution.
Set a date for evaluation.
Follow through.
A parent's role is to teach children. By being respectful they learn respect. By
following through on our commitments and being responsible, they learn
responsibility. We teach through example. The old saying, "Do as I say, not as I
do," doesn't cut it nor does it bring the desired outcome.
Teen brains are still in construction. Parents also must realize that though this
decision making is an important skill to teach and to learn, teens are still more
likely to make snap decisions and act on impulse.
How to overcome your fear of making the wrong decisions?
Here are six tips that will help you to overcome your fear of making
the wrong decisions.
1. Make a lot of decisions daily
If you want to master the skill for decision making you will need as a
first to make a lot of decisions. What you think who will master this
skill quickly, someone who will make one dole idiom daily, or someone
who will make ten decisions daily?
2. Start small and practice decision-making process
If you want to make good decisions, you will need to start making
decisions. The best way to overcome the fear of making the wrong
decisions is to make small decisions. Important and no important
decisions that will help you to make a small progress toward your
goals, but also to see the bigger picture of the decision-making
process.
3. Take actions after you make a decision to make something
Why you need decisions? Probably you want to achieve some goals
that will enable you better conditions for yourself or your small
business. If you don’t take actions after you make a decision, you can’t
know is your decision bed or good decision. So, you can’t learn from
them to overcome your fear of making the wrong decisions.
4. Be informed if you want to increase your confidence when you make a decision
If you have a high level of confidence when you are making decisions
you will overcome your fear of making the wrong decisions. So, you
need information about each decision you are making. Often, the
information you have will shape your decision, so you will increase
your confidence and reduce the probability of making the wrong
decision.
5. Learn from your mistakes when you make a wrong decision
Look at the consequences and be flexible when you make a decision.
The most important thing is to learn from your decisions and improve
your next decision-making process. Simply, after implementation of
decisions you’ve made, judge them. You need experience, and
experience will come only if you make a bad decision and learn
something from them.
6. Motivate yourself to make the right decision
If you make more right decisions you will have more confidence and
less fear of making the wrong decisions. You need to be motivated to
make as much as possible right decisions. So, questioning yourself
before you decide to decide is helpful in this process. Use costs and
benefits analysis to weight pros and cons of each decision. For
example, think about worst and best things that will happen if you
make a decision and if you don’t make a decision. What will be the
outputs of the change process? What do you need to do if things go
wrong?
