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“Earned love
is resilient, a
flower coming
up through the
asphalt, face
turned toward
the sun.”
 HEROIC LOVE

Copyright 2014 by Amare Inc

For more information about Dr. Randi Gunther:

www.HeroicLove.com

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 Table of Contents

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Introduction

Key 1 – Heroic Love Is Sacred, Not Secure

Chapter 1: The Problem With “Romantic Love” – And Why Promising Relationships Fail
Chapter 2: Embracing A Love That Transforms And Endures

Key 2 – The Quest For Truth And Authenticity

Chapter 3: Share Who You Are Authentically To Zero In On The Right Partner
Chapter 4: The Law Of No Negative Surprises – Speak Up Early So You Won’t Face
Unnecessary Problems Later
Chapter 5: How Trust Is Won – And Lost

Key 3 – Heroic Love Practices The Art Of Translation… And Creates An Unshakeable Foundation

Chapter 6: Excavating Your Partner’s Experience

Chapter 7: Your Partner, Your Mirror
Chapter 8: Common Communication Blockers And How To Avoid Them
Chapter 9: Defensive Reactions – Our Secret Buttons
Chapter 10: Using Conflict As A Springboard For Deeper Intimacy

Key 4 – Heroic Love Recommits Regularly… And Tastes All The Sweeter For It

Chapter 11: Your Sweet Spots: Where Your Relationship Blooms

Chapter 12: Potential Relationship Pitfalls And How To Avoid Them
Chapter 13: Recommitment – The Rock Of Your Relationship

Key 5 – Heroic Love Doesn’t Give Up… And Is Always Worth Fighting For

Chapter 14: Can People Really Change?

Chapter 15: Heroic Couples And Their Stories

About Dr. Randi Gunther

 Introduction

A New Paradigm For Lasting Love

Why do so many relationships get off to such a promising start, only to fail?

How can intimate partners who were once so in love descend into a boring, uninspiring
union and feel they no longer want to try to make their relationship work?

And why do two people who freely and willingly chose to commit to marriage sometimes
find themselves at the other extreme – looking for love and passion in the arms of another?

The divorce rate in the United States today is presently fluctuating between forty and
fifty percent, depending on the statistic sampled. The couples who make it to thirty-five
years drop to one in five, and by fifty years only one in twenty. And those statistics don’t
measure the satisfaction of those couples that do stay together. Most people try long-term
coupling again, and those numbers appear even more discouraging. Second and third
marriages succeed even less often, with some reports as high as seventy percent failures.

Why is this happening? And, more importantly, how can we change it?

The answer is that we are suffering from a misconception about how love is supposed to
last and how a couple can make that happen.

Collectively, we’ve developed a false idea of what romantic love is all about. We expect
it to be a certain way – two totally devoted partners, unchanging, and forever secure that
they will love each other in the same way forever. We think once we’ve “found” it, it will
stay as intriguing and entrancing as it was at the beginning. We want the euphoria of
early romance to continue to seduce us into passionate labyrinths. But these impossible
expectations in turn lead us to act and think in a manner that actually diminishes and can
ultimately destroy the love we so desperately want to hold onto.

If you’re thinking, “No, no, that’s not me – I’m a realist, I never expected that,” please
keep reading. Because what I’m talking about often happens very subtly and takes many
committed partners totally by surprise. Anyone who has ever struggled to find a partner
or keep a romantic relationship going has, in some way, bought into this false idea of
automatic long-lasting love.

Here are some important questions that can help you explore this possibility:

Have you ever chosen to ignore something that made you uncomfortable in the early
stages of a relationship because you didn’t want to focus on anything but the wonderful
feelings you were having?

Did you ever hide something about yourself when you were getting to know someone
because you didn’t want to appear high maintenance, difficult, or like damaged goods?

Have you ever underplayed something you really needed and wanted from a partner,
fearful that it would seem as if you were asking too much?

All of these behaviors stem from our desire to preserve the early bond of romantic love –
we don’t want to do anything that could possibly threaten what we have and potentially
risk its loss.

And that’s where we go wrong. We don’t realize that true, profound love is born out of the
willingness to experience ALL the parts of another person – and of yourself – early in a
new relationship, from the delicious good parts all the way to the possibly not-so appetizing
ones.

It’s in “rocking the boat” early in a relationship that we actually have the opportunity to
deepen our connection to another human being – to probe the depths of who they are and
who WE are, especially when the boat can weather a great deal of rocking. The natural
resilience of new love can shoulder these explorations and innovative solutions if those
experiences are bathed in the confidence of easy “bounce-back” and predictable “make-
ups.”

Trying to hold on to the early stages of romance by keeping everything light and breezy is
likely to set the stage for greater disappointment later. Even though it may be scary, it’s
precisely at the beginning of a relationship – when the good feelings are at their peak and
understanding overflows – that we should confront potential issues. Otherwise, we miss a
critical opportunity to develop the necessary conflict resolution skills early that we’ll need
to keep the relationship growing strong.

Unrevealed feelings and deeper issues don’t go away – they simply live underground
until they must eventually surface. If they are potentially threatening, they can emerge in
painful ways and negatively affect the entire relationship. If you deal with those hidden
emotions and responses when they ache to be known, you will discover whether you’re
with the right person. The closeness that can emerge from taking those early risks has the
potential to form the foundation for a quality love that lasts.
This process involves not just a commitment to being honest and authentic, but also an
openness to change – yourself, your partner, and the way you both are in your relationship
when you discover things about each other that need exploration.

The false idea of romantic love insists that both people will not ever change and somehow
their connection will stay the way they were when they met. If new partners hold to
those ideas, they will not be able to share what they fear will turn the other away, and
authenticity is sacrificed.

To buy the fantasy that unchallenged love will last forever, both partners must give up
their individual needs for transformation. That means keeping any desire to be or do
something different than what the other partner might want or wish for is carefully quieted.
Over time, predictability is insured but boredom is the likely result. Bored partners begin
to lose interest and withhold energy, and look for ways to re-spark. That sets the stage for
searching for excitement elsewhere.

The most successful couples do challenge each other early on. They combine sweet
nurturing while simultaneously supporting each other’s freedom to develop into their best
selves. Though they fully understand that they are risking being uncomfortable, they know
that this is the only way that an intimate relationship will foster ever-deepening levels of
connection. And yes, the kind of romance that lasts.

So how do we do this? How do we ensure that the profound, soul-satisfying love we ache
for is more likely to happen?

The traditional notion of romantic love is too careful. Though fraught with initial promise, it
soon can become stagnant, possessive, and oppressive. It doesn’t allow its participants
to take risks because it cowers under the threat of separation. It is too often fleeting,
fragile, and finite – seeming to elude our grasp, or evaporate away when we thought that it
would last forever.

True, lasting love can only come from partners who are willing to be heroic. They love
each other in bold and brave ways that make their commitment both transforming in itself
and transformational for the people who practice it.

Heroic Love is the only way to deepen and preserve the best any couple can give each
other.

It’s not an end, but an ongoing journey – not something we simply find, but constantly
create. Heroic Love calls forth your truest self and your fiercest commitment in order to
experience a profound, transformative relationship that propels both of you to fulfill your
ultimate purpose. When you make it happen, you are making it possible to taste an even
deeper, sweeter romance than either of you could have imagined.

Believing in a romantic love that will never change or go away is blind, and ultimately
too often results in disappointment and failure. But believing in chosen change and
growth is possible. It develops from the partners’ mutual acceptance that no matter how
passionately people feel about each other, no one should, or even could, maintain that
exact same feeling forever. Nor would anyone who deeply loved you want you to hold
back any desires or actions that would take you closer to the person you were meant to
be.

Relationships, when they are great, deepen and mature over time. They add dimensions,
rearrange priorities, reframe issues, and learn what real devotion is all about –
experiences that can only happen when discovery is always present. And all the while, the
couple is devoted to what is sacred between them – always wanting the other to be the
best he or she can be and never taking each other for granted.

A relationship based upon renewed and re-chosen commitment every day doesn’t lose its
vitality, and most partners who have been able to achieve that kind of relationship treasure
what they have created. Though other relationships may beckon, they realize that what
they have could not easily be matched anywhere else. Knowing that their relationship is
unique and rarely matched, they are unwilling to risk losing it.

Make no mistake, Heroic Love is not easy. It requires you to bravely face the demons
within you and surmount seeming obstacles. You have to be willing to do the work – not
as a finished product, but for always. To empower yourself and choose your life rather
than live in the tragedy gap of what you don’t have.

Nothing will change in the ways you have been experiencing relationships until you
choose to embrace these concepts. The rewards you reap will be in direct proportion to
how much desire and determination you put in. Instant fixes only create bigger problems
later. Yet, as soon as you embrace the journey of Heroic Love, you will see immediate
improvement in your relationships. And you will keep seeing giant leaps of progress the
more you stick with it. The goal is transformation and long-term happiness. The price is
giving up the comfort of predictable security.

Heroic love is about bringing the excitement and energy of the early romantic phase
TOGETHER with the fulfillment and safety of long-term commitment. It’s about creating a
different kind of romance that continually gives birth to itself.

As a relationship therapist for over 40 years, I know that this is the strategy that
undoubtedly creates profound, passionate, soul-satisfying love for BOTH partners. This
book is a distillation of everything I’ve learned in my practice with couples, and it is my
mission to help as many people as I can achieve the unparalleled experience of Heroic
Love.

We’ll explore the 5 keys of Heroic Love: the core elements that will help you create a
deeply-fulfilling relationship while achieving your highest potential as an individual. You’ll
learn how to understand your partner and be understood like never before, and you’ll
know how to communicate in a way that further strengthens your bond.
If you are single, being a hero in love means that you can practice the steps for your
self-actualization in preparation for the next relationship that comes. You’ll bravely and
authentically share who you are in order to attract the right person for you, and you’ll also
have the tools you need to build a solid relationship foundation from the beginning.

And if you’re already in a relationship, you’ll begin to see it in a whole new way –
transforming what felt like unsolvable dilemmas into pivot points for deeper intimacy. I’ve
seen it happen in my own marriage and with so many of my couples. You become heroes
together. It’s a meaningful and fulfilling journey, and it’s entirely possible.
 Key 1

Heroic Love Is Sacred, Not Secure

New lovers want to feel safe and secure. They want to be in a relationship where they can
depend on their partner to be there whenever and however they need them, and they
want those guarantees to last forever. But romantic love can sustain itself as long as the
partners never change. If they maintain that commitment to remain exactly the same, to
never evolve as individuals, their relationship will become predictable. Predictability does
indeed support security, but the price is likely to be eventual boredom.

Heroic Love embraces sacredness, not security, as the basis of commitment. The
partners who are not afraid to risk security for ever-challenging interest and exploration
can sustain their excitement about each other and their relationship. They know that
guaranteed security is an illusion, preventing what really brings joy and meaning to
relationships: ongoing discovery and transformation. Choosing to hold one’s lover in a
sacred place means experiencing their relationship as a daily miracle and blessing, rather
than a guaranteed place of safety that must never change.

As it is ever evolving, the partners in a heroic relationship know that both of them
consciously re-choose it every day. They acknowledge the sanctity and preciousness of
their union, and know it must transform to stay alive.

When you sign up for a heroic relationship, you are consciously choosing both to be
in partnership while simultaneously giving each other the room and freedom to evolve
individually to the highest potential. You are deeply committed, mutually satisfied,
and self-realizing. When you’re in an intimate partnership that gives you the freedom
to become the best self you can be, you’re with your best friend, your lover, and your
supportive catalyst for positive change.

In this key, I’ll take you into the emotional and physical experience of falling in love, how
our misconceptions about this phase impact relationship success, and what we can do
when we are fearful that “the honeymoon might be over.”
 Chapter 1
The Problem With “Romantic Love” – And
Why Promising Relationships Fail
Is there a more delicious feeling than falling in love?

The magical, heady combinations of emotions that

accompany early love have inspired every artistic creation
since the beginning of time. Equally so, the heartbreak
that accompanies the demise of those feelings gets just as
much airtime. Both finding love and losing it seem to be
inexplicable phenomena. Or does it need to be?

In this chapter, we’ll examine what happens when two

people fall into romantic love; and, more importantly,
what factors combine to create the heartbreaking “honeymoon is over” stage. We’ll see
just why the expectations that new lovers have of each other are so often followed by
disappointments and waning interest in the relationship, and why so many partners run
away when those feelings arise. We’ll discover what they might have done to stay in love
had they known how to make the transition earlier into a different kind of a relationship.

How The Lust Of Romantic Love Declines

Romantic lust is a fascinating process. It is easy to identify by the ways that new lovers are
with each other, but rarely sufficiently explained in terms of its underlying biochemistry.

New lovers are in their hunting mode. When human animals hunt, their testosterone and
dopamine levels are high and their sense of being is alive and motivated to capture their
prey. Mating is the goal, and though many potential targets would normally satisfy that
basic instinct, the desire to mate with a particular person focuses and enhances those
hungers. These specially selected partners enhance the chemical drive to focus on one
person, leaving other potential prey colorless in comparison.

Most new lovers are not only highly motivated but also well-intentioned. They have a
sincere desire to just reap the benefits of the heady combination of lust and love. Because
of that mutual desire to share those remarkable feelings with each other, the majority of
new romantic relationships have great potential to succeed.

Because they are so dedicated to their love, most new partners generously give whatever
they can to make the relationship work. They don’t feel burdened about the effort it takes
to care for each other’s needs, and seem to effortlessly put forth whatever surplus,
sustained positive energy is needed to ensure their lovers feel treasured.

When people are in the throes of early romantic love, they also try to overlook things
about the other person they might normally find undesirable. Unwilling to threaten what
they have, they are more likely to let something distressing slide instead of speaking up.
This tendency of new lovers to hide their deeper selves in order to avoid conflict is an
important issue we’ll discuss in Key 2.

If you listen to typical comments made by new lovers, you can hear their commitment to
maintaining feelings and behaviors that they feel will ensure that their romance will last
forever. See if any of these sound familiar:

“He’s perfect. I’ve never met a man who loved me so much. I’ve never felt this way

before.”

“I love everything about her. This is the real thing, I know.”

“I’ve never felt so turned on. I can’t stop thinking about him.”

“We haven’t had one fight since we’ve been together.”

“He wants to give me everything I’ve ever hoped for.”

“She only cares about what’s important to me. She’s so incredibly selfless.”

Most new partners are relatively successful in reciprocally experiencing the joys of their
lust/love relationship. Being the novelty seekers and natural hunters they are, they readily
experience automatic encouragement when they go in pursuit of someone new. Because
the process itself is innately exciting, the partners are ensured of bountiful rewards.

The chemicals in our brains that are produced during a romantic seduction feed
our motivation to continue giving intense energy to the process. In addition to the
immediate rewards, new lovers have often chosen each other because of unconscious
attachments to intrinsic memories of past important people in their lives. When those
feelings are activated, the chemical reactions can be intensified. Now we may be
experiencing the comfort and security of childlike hungers and fantasies in concert with
the sexual mesmerizing lust of our current, adult self. That combination can produce an
overwhelmingly delicious feeling that can hardly be described in words. It feels like the
promise of everlasting and complete happiness, devoid of fear of any prior losses. The
present now has the opportunity to heal the past. Yes, the illusion of total security.

Maintaining that enchantment of new love over time is not automatic. Past, present, and
future attachment to security as a goal does not allow for the personal transformations that
keep partners devoted and interested in each other. When the thrill of the seductive hunt
ends and the prey is safely secured, the momentum will naturally begin to dissipate and
reality will set in. Now generous sacrifices are not driven by the same selfless motivations,
and continuous commitment requires a different agenda.

If the couple continues to choose security over continuing discovery, they will lose the
excitement that their hunting hormones created and replace them with the brain chemistry
that accompanies the stages of comfort and security. The result is a gentler, more secure
connection, but ultimately a poor comparison to the intensity of those that produced the
heady hungers of romantic lust.

Seduced by the sweetness of the positive parts of secure comfort, a couple may not
realize that they have stopped searching for challenge and discovery. They do not realize
that the security of predictable connection may be edging out the very emotional and
physical drivers that initially brought them together.

How Couples Risk Losing That Loving Feeling – And Each Other

When that happens and the initial fiery, magnetic, intense focus starts to lose some of its
pull, the couple often accepts that result as inevitable. No one expects the intensity to last
forever, right? But the initial rewards have diminished and what might have once seemed
effortless now takes more motivation to accomplish.

If the couple decides there is enough investment in time and other desirable reasons to
continue their relationship despite the lack of automatic motivation, they may try to bring
excitement into their relationship by seeking outside interests that bring each back to life
separate from each other. Maybe they can regenerate the relationship by sharing those
imported sources of energy. If there is no betrayal or infidelity, going outward may initially
be a legitimate solution. Friends, entertainment, careers, hobbies, children, travel, crises,
or new acquisitions can infuse the relationship with much-needed stimulation.

Unfortunately, when the couple returns to the quiet of their relationship solitude, away from
those external interests and the novelty they present, they may not be able to use those
outside experiences to produce innovative excitement between them. If they cannot, they
may keep those two worlds separate and reduce their relationship to dutifully reporting
their logistical statistics each day just to keep each other abreast.

When I meet a couple, I routinely ask them what situations or experiences in their lives
bring out the best and most alive parts in them, the most dependable vitality, and the
most regenerating motivation. I am always saddened when they tell me that those notable
involvements exist mostly outside of their relationship.

What is even more worrisome is that they often answer that question readily and easily
without any apparent awareness that they feel that way or that their relationship may be
in more trouble than they realize. Their personal relationship has slowly worked its way to
the back burner, expected to survive on passionate memories and diminished excitement.
The couple has been seduced by the comfort of their secure and less-challenging
relationship, but do not realize that they have stopped generating the spark between them
that attracted them to each other when they first came together.

The Surprising Reason Why Couples Begin To Bicker

Without the wonderful excitement that fueled their initial love, the partners may begin to
feel that their relationship has become too predictable and easy. Needing less and less
energy to keep it going, they can not only predict most every phrase and every reaction,
they can finish each other’s thoughts and anticipate their desires. Boredom will eventually
follow.

Boredom is often the most overlooked reason why couples increase their fighting.
They may only be emphasizing conflicts to awaken their awareness of each other.
Disagreements can actually be unconsciously chosen – dramatic interludes that put
boredom at bay for a while. They create a temporary pseudo-energy that can replace the
lessening authentic interest.

For example, can you remember sitting at dinner with your committed partner not able to
think of anything valuable to say and wishing he or she would do something that would
alleviate your lack of interest? All of a sudden, you find yourself spontaneously bringing up
an incident from the past in some pseudo-innocent way, asking for some clarification of a
statement that distressed you. Inside you know very well what actually happened in that
past experience and, up until that moment, were resolved about it, but you needed to just
create a little excitement at the time so you revisited it with a new little “twist” – anything
that would create a little spark, even if it was negative.

“Honey, I know we sort of solved our disagreement over that woman vendor who keeps
calling you and you told me it was nothing and not to worry about it, but sometimes you’re
looking away from me as if you are somewhere else. Are you absolutely sure you’re not
wishing you were with her?”

“What are you talking about? Where did that come from? I thought we settled that. She’s
not even my type.”

“Oh, so if she were, then I’d be right?”

And the downward spiral begins.

Fighting, even over useless issues, forces the couple to be at temporary odds, creating a
tension that raises the energy exchanged. From that artificially co-created separation, they
may feel a little threatened that the relationship is in trouble at that moment, and re-think
their importance to each other. The process of “making up” can arouse those early hunting
hungers the partners felt when their love was new.

If the conflicts lead to new discovery and the desire to pursue those challenges, they
may revive interest in each other, at least for a while. If they do not, and repetitive,
unproductive boredom-created battles continue, they may eventually become predictable
in and of themselves, and no longer work.

If bored couples seek stimulation in external, novel environments, they may be able
to pretend they are less uninterested in each other than they are. If their hunger for
excitement and challenge is being met outside the relationship, that creeping boredom
that is between them can be masked. Returning from stimulating environments can lull
the couple into thinking that generating personal excitement between them is no longer
necessary. But if their passion continues to dissipate, the relationship is in danger of
creating a dispassionate indifference that will eventually be unable to regenerate.

As untended to boredom saps vitality, the couple’s good connections begin to lessen,
and the bad ones gain momentum. The relationship becomes easier to wound and takes
longer to heal. Reading the mail becomes more important than that first hug, and “Bye,
honey,” may be shouted from a back room instead of accompanied by a fond embrace.

If that kind of disinterested non-connection continues, the partners in the relationship

may begin to experience each other as impersonal objects acting out predictable and
uninteresting scripts.

They are in danger of entering the no-man’s-land of increased irritability, impatience,

and diminished generosity. Sadly as well, it often happens that one partner is more
bored than the other, creating a whole different kind of heartache. One of them may
fight to regenerate the relationship while the other pulls back from interacting to signal
disconnecting. The still-interested partner, anticipating loss may plead, be angry, blame,
or try to threaten. The results are often withdrawal or abandonment on the part of the other
partner. If nothing works to get the relationship back on track, they may begin to internally
prepare to live without each other.

Why Leaving A Relationship Should Not Be The Automatic Answer To

Boredom

When one or both partners make the decision to end a relationship, they often use the
lessons they’ve learned to make themselves more desirable to their next partner. If they’re
out of shape, they go on a diet and start to work out. If they feel they’re out­of-date, they
read up on current world issues, catch the latest important movies, look up old friends,
sign up for interesting travel options, invest in new outside packaging, all efforts to appear
as a more interesting attraction.

They realize pretty quickly that they’d better clean out personal and situational cobwebs,
reactivate what evokes passions, and recommit to the involvements that kept them
interesting. They intuitively know that successful hunters are prepared, eager and the
most alluring they can be.
The irony of this personal re-commitment and one of my saddest observations is that this
willing, committed, and new investment in a future relationship may have saved their prior
one had they done the same transforming for their prior partner before it was too late.

Perhaps our throwaway culture has inevitably spilled over to the way we value each
other. If something doesn’t work, maybe the best solution is to just get a newer, better
model. Most of the resources that we depend upon for guidance too often now direct us
to alternatives from staying in a relationship that has outgrown its reasons for existing.
Whether it’s popular media, TV gurus, or polyamorous aficionados, many well-known icons
do not model how to re-create something that’s not working.

If we’re to have a real chance at long-term relationship success, we’re going to have to
approach these potential barriers in a whole new way. There’s a lot of ground between
escaping the fear of martyred entrapment, and committing to whatever it takes to
regenerate something that has been unattended to, unexplored or sabotaged.

The good news is that people are more aware, more conscious, and more committed to
this journey than I have ever known them to be before. In the forty-plus years I’ve been
working with couples, I have seen them transform from being defined by society’s roles to
seeing individual potential regardless of what the media expects. They are more ready to
forge new pathways into unknown relationship territories. They know that what’s happened
so far hasn’t worked and they are ready to create unique relationships that define
themselves by their success, and not by what might have worked in the past.

Instead Of A New Partner, A Different Mindset

Many people think that the normal let-down phase in romantic relationships is caused by
an incorrect choice in partner. They believe that somehow they just didn’t choose the right
person or were too impulsive to pay attention to potential negative signs.

Sometimes that turns out to be the truth, but it may be more realistically based on a
couple’s inability to transform a potentially successful relationship from romantic lust/love
to the development of a deeper and more profound intimate friendship.

If the couple had the insight to simultaneously develop a deeper and more profound
love at the same time as they were magnetically enjoying the primordial lust of their new
relationship, that failure might never have needed to happen. If new lovers, armed with
significant motivation and skills, knew what to do earlier in the relationship, they could
have had the chance to make it happen. The loss of spontaneous aliveness – the amazing
lustful feelings and longing hunger – is likely to be a hard act to follow without the partner’s
investment in an even better connection in the future.

Without a plan to weather this period in a relationship and take it to the richness that lasting
love can provide, the partners may think that their downward slide is irresolvable, too
daunting, or disappointing to confront.

If either of the partners have had similar disappointing patterns in their individual pasts,
they are even more likely to give up when their initial passions wane. It is much more
likely that they would want to expeditiously escape another expected failure and minimize
damage by getting out as soon as they feel there is no other option. One or both of the
partners may decide to take the more guaranteed road and look for that lust and passion
in a new relationship. One more partnership that might have had the potential for enduring
and beautiful permanence may have ended without a real chance.

But what if the couple had shifted their perspective of what lasting love is really supposed
to look like before that happened? Instead of viewing the transition from lust to heroic
love as a negative change, they could have understood that they were simply entering a
new stage in their relationship and embraced it with new skills – those that could maintain,
nurture, and deepen their bond.

Shifting Your Focus And Keeping Love Alive

In the early stages of a romantic relationship, most couples don’t want to believe that their
idealistic, magical connection will ever diminish. When the mesmerizing euphoria dies
down, as it must, they find no other option but to think it just wasn’t meant to last. They
haven’t been able to foresee it as a natural, beneficial progression of the relationship, and
the gateway to deepening connection.

But why should the next phase of love feel less inherently valuable? Why does learning
exquisite and successful maintenance seem problematic or burdensome to a couple?

In all other areas of life, people expect to put significant energy into maintaining treasures.
Most of us realize the importance of taking care of what is valuable even after the newness
has worn off. Whether we’re men or women, we understand the importance of keeping
our cars clean and running, our computers backed up and up-to-date, our friendships
renewed, our traditions authentically honored, and our bodies currently active and
healthy. We don’t take any of those things for granted or assume they will just take care of
themselves without our continuous watch and commitment to cherishing them.

Most of us absolutely realize the importance of staying current on all the important
aspects of our lives, whether it’s our careers, interesting places to travel, the latest in how
to stay younger longer, and what makes us inherently interesting to others. Committed
maintenance of the things that really matter to us is often a way of life for most people in
almost every area of life.

Is it because love between two people is so intangible, so basically difficult to maintain,

that people don’t recognize the need to put out the same automatic energy to ensure they
stay inherently alive?
What is missing from the formula, that results in so many of us starting out with so much
hope in relationships, only to crash and burn when the initial excitement quiets down and
we have to actually work at something that matters?

What combination of knowledge, skill, and commitment could reverse that negative
spiral and deliver the lasting love that both partners so sincerely want? What do we
already know and use in so many other areas of our life that we could transfer to the most
important area of our lives?

As we’ll see in the next chapter, there’s a different way to look at relationships that
results in BOTH partners feeling both individually fulfilled, knowing they are in the best
relationship possible, and totally committed to keeping it that way from the beginning of
their romance.
 Chapter 2
Embracing A Love That Transforms And
Endures
Imagine that your partner never changes from the person he or she was when you met.
No matter how long you’ve been together, you will hear the
same phrases, the same jokes, and the same interests.
What if love-making always has exactly the same pattern,
and neither of you have any new dreams or ideas to share
with each other?

Within a short period of time, you will experience that partner

as someone with no new surprises or challenges that would
entice or require you to grow or transform on the other end.
Everything he or she offers in the relationship you’ve already
stored away in mental and emotional files that are worn with age and repetition. You
realize that you are running the relationship on ten percent of what you have to offer and
what you gave when your love was new.

And what if that partner never annoyed you, pushed your buttons a little, or challenged
you in any way to think or feel differently? What if they always passively agreed with
everything you thought or did?

Does this seem like a recipe for blissful comfort, or is there a more likely outcome that your
relationship will become so habitual that boredom will ensue?

While it may seem that perfect compatibility and a lack of disagreement would indicate
the probability of success for couples, that’s not usually the case. Most people do value
and enjoy the parts of a relationship that feel secure and comfortable, but would not thrive
in one that does not allow them the novelty, challenge, and excitement that will keep them
alive both individually and as a couple. They do not realize that opting for predictable
security has a high price.

In this chapter, we’ll discuss how to keep the magic alive in your relationship through and
beyond the honeymoon period. You’ll learn how you can be completely committed to both
your partner and your individual development at the same time.

Creating The Never-Ending Romance

Realistically, people must, and do change, even if they withhold those new dimensions
from each other. All living things either evolve or decay, and a relationship is a living
entity. If the relationship is not appearing to change on the surface, it is, in fact, changing
underneath.

Partners who are avoiding conflict withhold those internal changes from each other,
holding on to the false idea of romantic love. Unless intimate partners are willing to risk
sharing their internal transformations with each other, they are going to master the outside
behavior and give less and less of their prime-time energy to maintaining it. Not only will
your partner become uninteresting, but so will you. You can’t be bored without being
boring. And the changes that are going on will be hidden from both partners or given
away to other people or areas.

A Heroic Love relationship is one where both of you are not only openly and continuously
transforming, but your changes are being actively supported by your partner, even when
those transitions may temporarily shake up the relationship. Because your relationship is a
place of comfort, but also one where differences and discovery are totally supported, you
look forward to working through those differences together, searching for innovative and
exciting results. The relationship is seen as an agent for growth, and in turn the individual
transformation is the fuel that generates a continuing, realistic romance.

Your early stages of falling in love were marked by constant discovery. The two of you
were always learning new things about each other, and it’s what made it thrilling. THAT’S
the kind of experience that keeps couples in love. And it’s the only kind of intimate
relationship that has the potential to thrive and regenerate in the world we live in today.

This Isn’t Your Grandmother’s Relationship

Compare Heroic Love to the concepts that have been handed down from our elders.
Less than a few generations ago, their traditional instructions were that we had to commit
to relationships that maintained the illusion of mutual and forever sacrificial devotion, no
matter how we might have felt differently over time.

We were told that good people could do this. It was the belief and the rule. Society
encouraged partners to behave in a manner that was morally right, to focus on what was
satisfactory between partners, to ignore any ongoing conflict, and to purposefully block
irresponsible exit routes. Sacrifice was rewarded, and any self-serving behavior was
perceived as a major contributor to the destruction of the relationship.

There was a beauty to those traditional, secure, and predictable relationships when
they had their place in time. They provided comfort and solace to the partners, and also
ensured that the tribe would continue to prosper. The elders knew that new couples
would have to sacrifice independent growth to stay together, and separation was not an
option. They gave their young partners no option but to use patience and unwavering
commitment to keep the traditions in place.
These traditional rituals had spiritual, religious, or philosophical foundations that helped
bolster the relationship when times were hard or individual desires created challenges.
Giving up what you wanted in order to please the one you love and to satisfy the elders
were the most honorable paths to take, and your relationship would survive as long as it
was within those strict boundaries. People also had much shorter life spans.

In contrast now, our society’s current view toward individual happiness over sacrifice no
longer automatically supports traditional relationships as they were. With the emphasis
on individual evolution and transformation, relationships can no longer successfully
hide discontent under the guise of commitment. There has to be something much more
compelling and empowering that keeps couples together. Even within still very traditional
ritualistic communities, there is more openness and opportunities for couples to challenge
the old ways. The offset is that they must come up with new ways to maintain quality
life-long relationships, or the successful balance between self-proposing growth and
relationship sacrifice will not survive.

Modern Love: Why Personal Freedom Within Commitment Is More

Successful Than Obligation

People and relationships have the capacity and capability to continually improve. They
are always in the process of changing, whether for the good or for the bad – even when
they look as if they are the same. Couples may act as if they are not aware or conscious
that both personal and interpersonal transformation emerges one way or another, but they
intuitively know that where they are continuously innovative elsewhere in their lives, they
are happier and more alive.

Partners who are committed to a passionately-lived life opt to stay with their partners,
never giving in to suppressed desires or automatic compliance to outdated commitments.
They are looking for authentic reasons to re-commit, not excuses to leave.

If people pursue a path that continues to rejuvenate their personal love of life, they are
most likely to spontaneously and generously create a quality interaction with a partner.
The partners within these relationships enter them with the understanding and intention
that they must commit to personal growth and transformation while simultaneously making
their relationship sacred and solid. Their partner is their best and most ardent supporter.
They don’t live under the guillotine of obligation and will end the relationship if either feels
trapped or stifled, but their goal is to do whatever they can individually or together to make
their relationship a place where discovery is constant and imprisonment is not an option.

Partners who live totally supported in their individual dreams yet are the veritable “wind
beneath each other’s wings” rarely leave one another. With each new challenge, whether
within or in parallel to the relationship, they grow stronger in their ability to innovate new
ways of staying together with those disconnects. Their stresses become foundations for
new strengths.

Living in parallel with your best friend in the pursuit of a great life of freedom and choice is
a powerful motivator to keep coming back for more. Why would you want to go elsewhere
with that kind of experience already in hand?

Freedom And Excitement Versus Boredom And Stagnation

What if you could generate the excitement and joyous abandon of early romance
WITHIN a long-term relationship? What if, instead of resigning yourself to remaining in a
relationship simply for the sake of outdated promises, both of you remain together by re-
choosing the relationship every day because you always have the option to challenge and
regenerate?

When both partners have the same un-conflicted belief in love-as-freedom rather than
love-as-obligation, they create the highest possibility for an evolving dynamic interaction.
The partners within this kind of relationship insist that there are both passionate challenge
and unpredictable outcomes because they nurture the novelty and creative curiosity that
keeps their relationship alive.

This kind of relationship is not for the insecure or those who rely on predictability
and comfort as required components of commitment. In freedom-based, evolving
relationships, each partner wants the best for the other, even if that means living through
the grief of loss if either were to find more aliveness away from the other. There is simply
no possessiveness that serves security over the commitment to the other’s highest
evolution.

If unexpected or unsolvable misfortunes occur, and the partners can no longer find their
own hearts and souls in the presence of the other, they know that they must release each
other without obligation or guilt. It may be painful and terribly difficult to do so, but the
thought of holding someone to them who might flourish better elsewhere is unthinkable.
Partings may be filled with grief, but never with a sense of failure. Launching the one you
love most to a more fulfilling life is infinitely better than holding him or her within a limited
existence.

The partners in freedom-within-commitment relationships would rather be without

guarantees than be faced with the boredom of “same old, same old.” They are committed
to each other’s individual fulfillment and choose a set of values within which they can both
live without feeling trapped or limited. They feel blessed and privileged to be with each
other.

These values and behaviors may seem unrealistic, but they need not be. Rather, they
are concepts that most intimate partners have just never understood or mastered. Yet,
we know that people who are successful in other areas of life manifest these ideas and
behaviors automatically. When any endeavor is not paired with the willingness to risk and
to let go of what doesn’t work, it will not endure. Intimate relationships are no different.

Marrying The Best Of The Old And The New

We can still have a profound reverence for commitment while giving ourselves the room to
grow as emerging and transforming individuals. We must. The beauty of traditions is their
long-term perspective. The drawback is their tendency to remain in effect even when they
are no longer workable in a new time. Blending the beauty of tradition with the freedom of
new possibilities is the maxim of Heroic Love.

After being allowed the privilege of intimately observing hundreds of relationships

over more than four decades, I have repeatedly seen that the best relationships are
a combination of traditional commitments and the existential devotion to each other’s
freedom of choice.

We need to seek the better of those two worlds: the highest form of non-martyred sacrifice
to ensure a level of mutually-sought comfort and security, while simultaneously assuring
each other of the freedom to continually re-choose our lives and our relationships as our
individual needs emerge.

If you’re reading this book, you are searching for a different way to approach your intimate
relationships and are striving for a new way to grow. You want to understand yourself
better, and you want an extraordinary partnership. You’re not willing to simply endure an
uninspiring relationship just because you made a commitment and you’re also not willing
to quit something just because you didn’t know how to make it better.

I’m going to show you how it’s possible. Drawing from my work with many couples who
have transformed their relationships and each other, I will share their journeys with you. It
all starts with having an inspiring, achievable manifesto and plan to get there.

A Vision And Roadmap For Profound, Soul-Satisfying Love

Love is the magic potion that makes almost anything seem possible. So elusive. So
vulnerable. So unbelievably powerful. So potentially painful. It is both the force that pulls
beyond possibility and the demon that makes people forget who they are and what they
stand for.

How is love manifested in relationships that continue to support both partners in their
individual transformation and their devotion to each other? It has five core values that are
observable in the way that heroic partners experience and support each other:
1. Every Moment Is Sacred

Couples who deepen and enrich their love acknowledge and don’t forget how much they
miss each other when they are apart and look forward to seeing each other when they
reconnect.

They do that with reverence because they have grasped the spiritual truth that each
separation could hold permanent loss, and the reconnections are seen as new chances to
appreciate their love one more time.

They are together in mind, heart, and soul, even when apart. That doesn’t mean they are
possessed or controlled by their partner’s desires, but willingly honoring them in their
decisions and behaviors.

2. The Only Constant Is Change

Heroic couples experience a love that is constantly evolving. While holding on to the
traditions and behaviors that they cherish from their past, they continue to incorporate
potential new ideas that could be more rewarding. It means that they realize that love is
regenerated by continually exploring, cleaning out, rebuilding, preserving, challenging,
seeking, and experiencing their relationship. They are constantly open to what is not
yet known, loving what is right, unabashedly exiling what doesn’t work, and willing to
heroically challenge each other when they disagree.

Anxiety and insecurity are not absent in a heroically loving relationship. Partners who
have committed to transformation and regeneration know that love is never automatic or
guaranteed. With the embracing of those ideals, they realize that their relationship is not
infallible, and could someday no longer exist. They do not let their fear of loss influence
their willingness to risk, and to be ready for whatever comes by choosing to live on the
edge of possibility.

Even when their world is filled with unexpected loss or unpredictable challenges, they
are able to weather heartaches that would devastate most relationships because they are
courageous in the face of necessary innovation. They are ever aware of the inviolate truth
that nothing is forever, and they must live in the blessing of each moment.

3. Freedom Is Generously Exchanged

Couples who preserve their love are committed to mutually supporting each other’s
dreams and accomplishments by respecting their partners’ needs for autonomy and self-
realization. They talk about the other with evident pride but without possession.

“You have got to meet my wife. She is the best. People love her.”
“He needs time to write. It’s his sanctuary. He comes back rejuvenated and glad to
connect.”

“She never ceases to surprise me.”

“He is always just a little out of reach. Not by contrivance. It’s just his nature to be
adventurous. I love it so much. Keeps me on my toes.”

There is no ongoing sense of personal ownership of the other partner or the need to
control the other’s thoughts or behavior. Instead, there is a delight in anticipating a new
facet of someone already beloved.

You can be wonderfully happy over time with one person if both of you are continually
evolving and developing new dimensions. That person is continually new for you as you
are for them. Because of that awareness, you must never lack the desire to rediscover his
or her transformations. Even though that process, in itself, brings the anxiety of potential
loss, there is never the chance that interest will diminish. Being connected to someone
who is always in the process of becoming a more interesting partner is a delicious
experience, even if it undermines comfort.

4. The Relationship Must Be Protected

Love is expressed in the absolute determination to fight for the relationship’s survival
when it is threatened. Neither of the partners will let the relationship die without giving it
everything they can to keep it regenerating. Though they realize that tragedies happen
and that they might not always be together, they don’t give up without giving it everything
they’ve got.

Because of the time, energy, memories, and love they have shared with their partner, they
have built so much richness, so much possibility, and so much attachment, that they are
committed to living out whatever time they have with courage and devotion. The beauty
of their relationship comes out of the exquisiteness of the process. They allow whatever
outcome to be a product of what they are creating in the present. They realize that
commitment is something they have created, not something they count on automatically
continuing without keeping their current moments the best they can be.

I see this kind of tenacity in many great couples. Even though the present situation might
be raw or troubled, both partners have an unwavering belief that it’s all worth it. They
may expect to win each other back from precarious differences from time to time, but
they literally never use phrases like, “I’m out of here,” or “Let’s get a divorce then, okay?”
Quitting because of distress is not an option, even when they’re angry or discouraged.
And if the sorrow of defeat has to occur, they part as deep and loving friends, never sorry
to have been part of each other’s journey.
5. An Unwavering Belief In Love

No matter how much heartbreak they experience, no matter how the foundation is shaken,
they believe in their hearts that the process of creating a beautiful love is always worth
the effort. With those sacred resolutions, they also know that their love has a significant
chance to make it.

I have watched couples in my office in the midst of the most passionate anger and
disappointment, turn in a special moment and look at each other tenderly, suddenly
aware of the fact that maybe things have gone too far. Seeing those moments, I know
I’m watching the kind of miracle that makes it happen. But the partners in a committed
relationship do not take it for granted. It is revered and sacred to both partners, perceived
as a blessing and held as such in open palms.

Heroic relationships have the greatest chance to last and deepen. Chosen authentic
risks for the sake of regeneration are part of the package. I see the partners in these
relationships take chances, readily admit when they’re wrong, help each other grow,
sacrifice for mutual dreams, generously offer second and third chances, put honesty over
manipulation, and remind each other frequently how important they are to one another.

In the rest of this book, you’ll learn how to create the kind of relationship you and your
partner will never want to leave.
 Key 2

The Quest For Truth And Authenticity

Heroic Love requires the willingness to fully embrace the truth of who you really are and
what you need, and the courage to share that truth authentically with another.

When you are completely honest and authentic, you will no longer be tempted to waste
time with partners who are wrong for you, and, instead, will create new levels of intimacy
with the right person. As your own transformation takes place, you will make your
existing relationships dramatically stronger. That magical evolution will make your future
connections, understandings and passion deepen over time, fulfilling who you really were
meant to be, not who you have thought you were.

In this key, you might realize things you may never have known about yourself before.
You’ll face both your inner demons and your angels, identifying and manifesting ways to
surmount obstacles that may have kept you from finding lasting love.

The more courageous you become peeling away the layers of your performing self – piece
by beautiful piece – the freer you will feel. If you and your partner are risking this journey
together, you will become each other’s simultaneous haven and greatest challenge. In
doing so, you will discover what it really means to trust another.
 Chapter 3
Share Who You Are Authentically To Zero In
On The Right Partner
On this journey, you’ll learn to acknowledge, accept, and appreciate yourself as the
grand total of all you were born to be. That means seeing
and knowing yourself as a work in progress: great in some
areas, learning in others, and still struggling in places that
need work. You will come to understand that you can’t be
bored without being boring, and you’ll never be boring
to yourself or anyone else if you’re always evolving into a
deeper and more interesting person.

It’s not just about knowing what you need to improve.

Heroic Love is also about getting clear on what you really
need from a partner. When you understand your own history, temperament, and potential
for evolving, you are more likely to attract the right person to you.

From this place of self-knowledge and self-love, you will be able to share your faults
openly with the person you choose. People who are self-loving enough to be that open are
perceived by others as confident and desirable partners because they know how to be
real and fully open to learning more about themselves. Because of that comfort, they also
encourage and support that transparency in their partners.

In order for you to have the best chance to find that special person with whom you can
build that kind of authentic and fulfilling relationship, you must send out a clear, integrated
beam of where you came from, who you are now, and what you hope to become. To do
that, you must first heroically explore four aspects of your own life:

1. What are the internal and external experiences in your life that have brought you to who
you are now?

2. What assets and liabilities do you believe you bring to a relationship?

3. What are your emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual drivers, and how do you want
to blend those with a partner?

4. What should a new partner know about you that would make him or her understand
what brings out the best in you?

In this chapter, I’ll ask you some important questions that will help you better understand
yourself and why you love the way you do. I’ll also help you learn to love like a hero. And
to further inspire you, I’ll give you an example of someone who, after a seemingly endless
search for the right partner, put the principles of heroic love into action and found her Mr.
Right.

If you’re already in a relationship, this chapter is for you, too. Understanding yourself
better means you’re going to reach for a whole new level of intimacy with your partner –
one of deepening connection, understanding, and passion.

Getting Clear About The Qualities You Want In A Mate And What You
Have To Offer

When you think about your ideal partner, what qualities come to mind? These are
suggested commonly desirable traits – feel free to add any from your own list:

• Passionate about life

• Great family/friends

• Kind and generous

• Successful career

• Physically fit

• Intelligent

• Loves to Travel

• Open to Learning

• Confident

• Sensual and sexually open

• Thoughtful

• Interesting

For every item on your wish list, the single-most important question you’ll want to keep in
mind as you’re searching for a partner is, do I manifest this quality myself?

Here’s why: you are more likely to get what you give in a heroic relationship. If you are
committed to being the best person you can be, you will attract someone who is searching
and developing at the same level as you.

Knowing what you have to offer means you’ll also have a much better idea of who will be
looking for you. It’s a little like a successful business plan: companies that prosper know
their target audience – they understand that not everyone will buy their product, and so
they focus their efforts on reaching those who DO want to invest in it and can afford the
price.
Similarly, you can’t be all things to all people, nor do you want to. Rather, you want to find
the best partner who is eager for the uniqueness of you.

So many disappointments in the dating world come from unrealistic expectations, what we
think we have to offer versus how someone we want may evaluate us. That is not to say
that we can’t continuously upgrade our “sale-ability,” as long as it is within the boundaries
of our personal authenticity and devotion to what we love about who we are. If the current
dating marketplace values certain attributes and you are affected by those requirements,
you have the option to develop them if they fit within your abilities and desires.

Above all, however you choose to improve your value on the open market, don’t
compromise your own integrity – be certain that you choose to develop the traits that are
important to you. Selling out to what is currently popular won’t be your best choice over
time.

I watch wonderful people with remarkable assets and ethics attempt to advertise what
they think has a higher potential to attract, and keep hidden those attributes they feel will
be seen as less marketable. When all is said and done, you can only authentically offer
the best of who you are to the best of who your partner is. Living under a cloak of fear of
exposure will significantly limit your chances to build a long-term successful relationship.

Why It Pays To Limit Your Focus

Being authentic about your expectations and what you have to offer in a relationship may
seem to limit the playing field, but the people who respond to that kind of an authentic
signal are rarely disappointed with who you are. Since you will present yourself as exactly
who you are, you can begin the fragile process of sharing more deeply.

You may find this process difficult and uncomfortable at first. That is not uncommon.
Turning yourself inside out and deciding to risk at this level is not possible without
accompanying anxiety or fear of outcome. You’re going to make careful and deliberate
choices as you go, navigating yourself through a whole new way of relating. As you
proceed, learning every step of the way, the adventure will take its own form, and the
payoffs will start to happen.

In the past, you may have found yourself spending way too much time with partners
who you should have left much sooner. Now, rather than inadvertently wasting precious
moments of your life with the wrong people, you will know when to move forward and
when to let go.

Exercise: Your Relationship Assets And Liabilities

This exercise will help you limit your focus so that you can attract the right partner. You’ll
understand what’s most important to you in a relationship and what you have to offer,
giving you the best chances at creating a solid foundation for loving heroically.

Take a few minutes to list everything that you admire about yourself. Include your talents,
your positive personality characteristics, your successes in prior relationships, your
achievements, and your soul assets.

Next, write down those attributes that prior relationship partners have found problematic
and how you have dealt with them. Make certain that this list is made up of behaviors and
characteristics that you also agreed were damaging to the relationship.

The third list will be any of your own inflexibilities and biases that may have kept you from
transforming in the past. Do not allow negative judgments to cloud your honesty or keep
you from being open. Remember, your goal is to be as honest as possible, so make a
commitment to being authentic during this exercise. Doing so will get you into the habit of
sharing yourself authentically.

When you are done, create your criteria for the kind of person who would be able to love
your total package and support you in what you are striving to change. Take the time
to appreciate yourself as this complete package and to celebrate all of your qualities,
knowing that this will take you a step closer towards sharing yourself fully with another.

Lastly, write down the qualities you’re looking for in a mate in addition to his or her
appreciation of you. When you’re finished, make sure once again that you are also
manifesting the qualities you are searching for in a partner. Doing this will not only help
you become more “marketable,” but more importantly it will boost your confidence and
self-love so that you can embrace who you are and share it authentically.

Remember, the goal is to honestly share who you really are, what you need, and what
you have to offer – rather than what you think the “market” wants. You shouldn’t try to be
everything to everyone. You are trying to find that one special person, and you will have a
much better shot at finding him if you narrow your focus.

In the story below, you’ll read what happened when one of my clients stopped trying to
pretend to be what the “market” found most desirable and instead focused on sharing
who she really was. It may have reduced the number of men who would ultimately qualify,
but her well thought-out focus brought exactly who she was looking for.

Case Story: Truth In Online Dating

Michelle had been putting herself out there on several dating services for two years.
She had been to a relationship coach, read several books on “how to advertise yourself
successfully,” had a makeover done to look her best, educated herself on how to make
fascinating conversation, kept her body in excellent-shape, had become an expert on
eastern philosophy, and made sure that her undergarments were sexy – just in case.
After multiple disappointments with unsuitable men, she was becoming understandably
discouraged. None of them turned out to be legitimate in the ways they had represented
themselves initially, and all of the dating service applicants wrote to her because they
were attracted to her profile picture, without mentioning any of the statements she had
made about herself that she felt were more meaningful.

When she came to see me, she was dangerously close to giving up and accepting that
she might choose to be alone for the rest of her life rather than compromise what she truly
felt she wanted and deserved.

We read her carefully written, well-constructed profile together. I asked her several
pointed questions about the real meaning of her life, who she was at her best, and what
she really wanted in a life partner.

Her answers were startling to both of us. They were totally different from what she had
been advised and been instructed by the experts to put on her profile. I asked her if she
had ever read a novel, or seen a movie that depicted the kind of relationship she wanted
and represented the kind of woman she was. She had. Several.

“Why don’t we try to communicate that kind of relationship in your profile? Why don’t we tell
the person you want to be with what you really love and want in a simple, honest way?”

Michelle looked worried.

“That’s not what guys are looking for. That’s not what they say they want. No one talks
about the things that are important to me. I want a forever relationship, with beautiful
children – several of them. I want to live in a rural area near a forest. I don’t care about a
lot of money; just enough so we can have the things the kids would need to grow and be
healthy.

My perfect day would be me and my guy, with our little ones strapped on the back,
bicycling through a beautiful park on a sunny day. I want a farm full of animals and friends
everywhere. I want to help the world be a better place. And I want sex to be an integral part
of that kind of relationship, not the reason for it. I want us to matter to each other, every
day, for the rest of our lives.”

She began to cry.

“No guy talks about that kind of dream.”

I urged her to be honest and to come from her heart, since trying to be what the media
advertised as important had only produced the kind of men she didn’t want to be with
anyway. Even though we both knew what qualities were obviously the most advertised,
someone out there had to want who she really was. If not, at least she would have given it
her best.

Two weeks later she brought me in her revised profile. It was incredibly honest and
unbelievably moving, yet I knew that, even if she might be looking for that veritable needle
in a haystack, she was unashamed of the person she was. Yes, she could easily be
rejected, and it might hurt even more if the dismissal was of who she really was. We talked
about risking that kind of vulnerability and what that would mean. She decided to go for it.

Trent was the only guy who answered her ad. All he said was,

“I’m not the best-looking guy in the world, but I’m appealing, especially my crooked smile. I
earn a decent living and I love what I do. My biggest flaw is that I have a hard time turning
down people in need. I thought I’d never find a woman who had the same values as I do.
God, I hope we are sexually attracted to each other. Will you meet me?”

This situation seemed so unlikely that she almost wished it weren’t true, but the
relationship worked from the moment they met. Within six months they were engaged. The
day of their wedding is one of my most beautiful memories. Now, seven years later, they
are still defining themselves to each other, and the discovery has never ended.

The better you understand everything that has created your personality, the person you
have become, and want to be, the better your finished portfolio will present on the open
market and the better your puzzle pieces will intermesh with those of the person you
attract.

The profiles on dating services can only tap a fraction of who people are and what they
want. But you are the creator of your own destiny, and only you can know the answers to
all of the more important questions that will really count later on. It’s up to you to advertise
that integrated package up front, in the most relevant and honest way. You may not attract
a hundred partners, but the up-front screening will absolutely guarantee that those you do
will be a better pick.

Becoming The Ideal Partner – And Teaching Your Partner How To Be

With You

After you have thoroughly examined your assets and liabilities, you can now ask yourself
what it would be like for you to date you. What would you like about the experience?
Would anything turn you away or make you wonder if continuing was the right thing to do?

When you think about being in a relationship with yourself, does the thought make you
uncomfortable, or wonderfully curious? Would you want to change some things about
yourself first... or maybe more than just a few things? Think deeply about what being in a
relationship with you would be like.

When you step into the shoes of your potential partner and look at yourself this way, you
will hopefully find the experience enlightening and life-changing. In most heroic tales, the
hero is on a search for truth and seeks fellow travelers to help him or her separate fantasy
from reality. If you approach new relationships this way, you will discover more about
yourself through the eyes of others you trust.

That process will not only lead you into a deeply connected relationship, but it will also
help you teach your partner how to be with you in the same way. Everyone is different,
and you won’t expect to “get” each other right away, but the potential for authentic and
meaningful connection will be evident from the beginning if you give it a chance.

Exercise: Would You Date You?

Take a moment to write your answers to these questions as they come.

Create this hypothetical dialogue between you and yourself. If it helps, you can even give
your self-partner a different name, depending on the gender. Use the following questions
to help guide you:

• If you were in a relationship with yourself, what would you fear, and what would you
look forward to?

• What are some of your “triggers” – the things you’d have to be careful saying or
doing around you?

• How should someone approach you with criticism or when broaching a delicate
subject? What kinds of associations do you have from your past that would make
you sensitive to such interactions?

• How do you react to a sudden change of plans – are you flexible? What does
someone need to understand about you in this area?

• How affectionate are you? Are you touchy-feely and like to have physical contact
all the time – or do you prefer to reserve that for private moments?

• How much space do you need? Do you like someone checking in on you all the
time, or are you okay with extended time apart?

• What about money? Do you want joint bank accounts with your beloved, or do you
believe in keeping finances separate?

• How much physical intimacy do you want in a relationship?

Imagine if everyone came with a “cheat sheet” like this – you’d be able to learn a whole
lot about your prospective partner, and it would help you to understand exactly what they
needed from you in relationship.

Make it easy for yourself and your future partner – take your time with these questions,
and revisit them often to see if and how your needs change. When the time comes, share
them with him and ask for his answers.
Digging Deeper: Your Core Needs

Knowing that your partner treasures you and appreciates that your core self is precious
allows you to make legitimate mistakes and be supported in your journey to authentic
self. If you do something that might hurt the relationship, you want your partner’s initial
response to be non-judgmental, supportive, and open to forgiveness. Of course, you
would be present in the same way were the situation to be reversed.

To help you sort out what the most crucial responses you need when you’re in trouble or
want caring guidance, ask yourself what you authentically and consistently admire, enjoy,
honor, and do not want to live without.

Take your data from your childhood, your best experiences, the adventures in your life
that have consistently given you the most joy, books and movies that have touched you,
and people who have positively changed your life. Look also at the dark side of your life
experiences. Those heartaches and traumas are part of us, too.

• When you were younger, what did you dream about?

• Who were the people you admired or looked up to?

• Who are the people in your life who have never deserted you when you really
needed them?

• What happens to your relationship when the reserves run low and you both have to
adjust?

• How sure are you that you can lean on your partner when you are unable to take
care of yourself?

• Can you remember the moments when, overwhelmed and unable to cope, caring
arms around you gave you strength or a place to hide from the pain?

• When relationships are stressed, in trouble, or bearing the weight of significant

trauma or loss, what characteristics of a person produce renewed vigor to ride the
rapids through the tough times?

• Where are you when you feel the most alive or when you’re in a state of wonder?

• When do you feel as if time stands still – where you feel completely engaged in
what you’re doing?

• How were you most damaged in your prior relationships?

Being able to know yourself well enough to answer these questions with honesty and self-
caring will help you to send out a relationship-seeking beam that accurately represents
the core of who you are and what you want in return.
Remember, only when you are clear about who you are, what you want, and what you
have to offer, will you attract a mate who is at your same level of openness to love and
growth.

Understanding your assets and limitations will not only help you attract the right person, but
it will also help you make a smoother transition from the euphoric phase of early romantic
love to the more stable, comfortable phase of realistic, heroic love.

Once you are in an established relationship, your relationship-seeking beam is still there –
continuing to develop deeper and deeper intimacy as you maintain new discoveries with
your chosen partner.

Qualities That Count: Knowing What Matters

Kindness, generosity, resiliency, honesty, integrity, humor, loving generosity, tenderness,

and maturity are desperately important variables that help people stay in love, but most of
us don’t usually emphasize those values in our initial attempts to attract someone, whether
on paper or in person.

In the literally hundreds of online dating profiles I’ve been shown, I have yet to see a
question that measures how a partner responds when life brings sorrow, stress, loss,
crisis, danger, or pain. No relationship profile can represent those moments in life when
you desperately need your partner to help you get through something that is ripping you
apart, and find out that he or she is most likely to run on the other end of that requirement.

When you feel ready to authentically communicate with a new partner, think about asking
him or her some of the following questions:

• When you don’t get what you desperately want, or lose something deeply important
to you, how are you most likely to respond?

• If you and your partner have mutually exclusive desires at the same time, how do
you negotiate the fairest solution?

• What life struggles have you or previous partners had and how have you resolved
them?

• What is sacred to you in life and in relationships?

• When you make the decision to sacrifice for your partner, do you feel resentful?

How your new partner answers these questions will help you gauge whether he is
emotionally ready for an intimate relationship and whether he has the maturity to be
a dependable partner. You can discuss the questions together, opening the door to
meaningful conversation and deeper connection.
 Chapter 4
The Law Of No Negative Surprises – Speak
Up Early So You Won’t Face Unnecessary
Problems Later
At the core of Heroic Love is a willingness to be totally authentic from the beginning
of the relationship, knowing that is the only way you can
accurately present who you truly are. Even if some of your
characteristics may be uncomfortable to share, you must
be willing to be deeply vulnerable to allow your partner to
see all of you and for you to see his or her responses. The
sooner he sees all of you, the sooner you and he will both
know if you are right for each other. Hopefully, he will also
be motivated by your honesty to reveal the same levels of
his own authenticity.

Perhaps your core self would require too much maintenance for this particular person? Or
what if you find out that this potential partner isn’t interested in loving heroically and wants
a relationship that is simpler and more superficial? Perhaps he will have behaviors that
you could love for a while but be unable to tolerate down the road.

In this chapter, we’ll explore why it’s critically important to build trust in what is real and
likely to happen early on, when the relationship has the most resilience. This way, you’ll
truly see if you are a good fit for each other.

How Rocking The Boat Helps Build Your Relationship Muscles

Couples who are afraid of ruffling feathers at the beginning of a relationship fail to build
crucial communication muscles – they lose the opportunity to practice effective conflict
resolution when their belief in each other is strongest. Every intimate relationship must
eventually experience its share of conflict, and pretending otherwise simply reinforces
fraudulent patterns that will become intractable over time.

As a plus, a newly intimate couple who is willing to respect differences early in their
relationship maintains a more exciting connection over time. Resolving conflict in an
expeditious way requires that the partners become activated and focused on mutual
goals. In doing so, they are motivated to reinvestigate who they are to each other.
Repeating those more passionate patterns, they not only have a chance to get beyond
their “honeymoon’s over” bump, but often actually thrive into new possibilities they could
not have predicted.
Even if you are in an established relationship, it is never too late to start implementing your
new authenticity and rediscover the magic of your courtship. Having secured your present
commitment to each other, you can now purposefully take your relationship to a new level.

One of the most effective ways to enrich an ongoing relationship is to bring it new
challenges. Relationships need to be continually tested to be strengthened. Interestingly,
experiencing positive conflict resolution and emerging from it in a healthier way will help
you both to feel more secure and happier with each other. You know you can trust that
your relationship can weather shake-ups and still come out okay.

Skeletons In The Closet: The Real Threat To Developing Trust

Most of us have a pretty good idea of what secrets from our past might endanger our
current relationship were we to divulge them. Some we hope might be better endured
when the relationship is on firmer ground. Some we hope will never emerge, and we keep
our fears inside, wondering what would happen to the relationship were they to surface.

Many people not only withhold information but tell half-truths to cover up potential loss.
Here are some examples:

“I don’t have any credit card debt.”

(I don’t think I need to tell you that I was twenty-thousand dollars in debt before I filed for
bankruptcy last year.)

“I never knew I was exposed to herpes.”

(I remember a little rash a long time ago. I always used protection, so it couldn’t have
been anything. Maybe she’s the one who gave it to me. You can be a non­symptomatic
carrier and not know it. As long as it’s not clear who gave what to whom, I’m okay.)

“I’ve only had three serious relationships before you, and none of them mattered.”
(Well, maybe just a few more. I had the marriage annulled, so it’s not important.)

“My first wife left me and I didn’t do anything to cause it.”

(I didn’t cheat on her for twenty years and she knew how fed-up I was with her behavior.
It’s not my fault that I finally looked for real love somewhere else.)

“I’ve never been in trouble with the law.”

(No serious trouble, anyway. That drunk-driving ticket was ten years ago, and I’m fine
now.)

“I’m a voracious reader.’’

(I never skip a page of People Magazine or Playboy.)

“I’ve never done drugs,”

(Well, maybe a few times. But usually it was just to medicate my stress. Sometimes I just
went along with the crowd. Besides, I can control it.)
When the truth eventually is uncovered, even if the new relationship has become secure
and solid, the lies from the past can undermine faith in every new promise made for the
future.

Like being in a courtroom, the challenging attorney has to only uncover one blatant
untruth, and the entire testimony is in jeopardy. Not only are you on trial for lying, you are
on trial for manipulating the truth to protect your own self-serving options. And, if your new
partner has been hurt this way before, he or she will react much more passionately to
being betrayed again.

Why We Keep Parts Of Ourselves Hidden – And How We Lose Each

Other In The Process

Most people have been taught from early childhood to withhold any part of themselves
that might limit their options. Many of those childhood teachings are not obvious or direct.
More often, they’re based on trial and error, reward, and punishment. You say or do
one thing and you get what you need. You behave another way, and you are rejected,
embarrassed, or punished.

Many people begin relationships watching and waiting for the same cues they responded
to in the past. They are as careful as they can be in order to appear as appealing as
possible to their partner in the same ways they did as children in their families of origin.
They share what they were taught to be their most acceptable self and to look for what
their partner finds pleasing. If they have never questioned that motivation and those
behaviors, the same reward and punishment responses they inherited from childhood
direct the initial amount of openness in their adult relationships.

Over time, if those old behaviors seem to keep them safe, both partners can become
locked into what they were taught was acceptable, more certain that the withheld material
should stay that way. Just as they did when they were children, they stop inquiring,
questioning, or learning any other way to expand their connection potential in their adult
relationships. They get stuck, not realizing there is so much more potential for openness
and authenticity without those automatic restraints.

These kinds of locked-in limited assumptions can happen very early in a relationship
if the couple doesn’t make honest and authentic communication a priority from the
beginning. Once the pattern is established, it can continue throughout the course of the
relationship. Soon it becomes significantly prone to predictable interactions, boredom,
and disconnection.

To show you how this can happen, let me recount a story which may feel very familiar.
Sherry And Jeff: Two Mindsets, Mixed Messages

It was Christmas time, and Sherry and Jeff had been dating exactly one year and eight
months. They had planned two long trips for the following year, and had been to their
second holiday dinner with each other’s families. Things seemed to be well on track for a
future together.

A week or so before the big holiday, Sherry started hinting. She knew from her friends
that engagements usually happen during the holidays, or, at the least, on Valentine’s Day.
Though she loved Jeff very much, she did not want to spend another year without being
officially claimed.

“Hey, honey. Remember that woman I took yoga with last summer, the one who has the
same birthday I do? Well, you’ll never believe this, but she met a guy and they got engaged
in three months! They’re getting married in March. Isn’t that great?”

(Here’s what Sherry’s thinking: “I desperately hope he’s planning on giving me a ring over
the holidays, but don’t want to spoil it if it’s a surprise. If he hasn’t planned it yet, maybe
he’ll get the hint. I know he loves me but guys don’t always get it the way girls do.”)

Jeff innocently replied, “Yeah, sure, good for her. She must be really happy.”

(Jeff’s thinking: “Her voice sounded a little funny. I wonder if something’s on her mind that
she’s uncomfortable talking to me about. She usually wants me to try to figure it out, but
I always get it wrong. Oh, well, I’m sure she’ll tell me about it later if it’s important.) He
continues:

“Hey, are we going to Ted’s party or Karen’s Saturday night? They’re on the same day. My
mom will be in town, too. She has to leave Sunday late morning. What’s your preference?”

Sherry, who is planning to tell Ted about a trip she won to Tahiti, answers:

“I’m okay either way. You have any priorities in mind? I was planning to get to your place
early and cook a special dinner for us before the party. I have a great surprise for you. We
can work in your mom the next day, like for an early breakfast or something.”

(“Maybe if I tell him about the trip I won before Christmas, he’ll realize how much I mean to
him and be more likely to propose over the holidays. I really don’t want his mother with us
that night, but I don’t want to deal with it right now. I better just be nice. I’m sure it’ll work
out. I’m pretty sure he got the hint, and is just thinking it over. I know he’s the kind of guy
who likes to be in control and make his own decisions.”)

(Ted is sure he’s on the right track. “Sounds like the surprise she’s planning is a great
night of lovemaking. She knows how much that would mean to me. Now that would
certainly beat Saturday night with my mom. I’m in. But better not let on. I know how much
she likes to surprise me. That’s probably why she sounded a little off. Probably up to
something special.)

“Sounds like a good compromise to me, hon. I’ll call her.”

(I really love this girl. Better get to a store and get her something really nice for Christmas,
or she’ll be really disappointed. What if I can’t find anything she’ll like in time? Better stall a
little.)

“Maybe we should wait until later for the Christmas exchange. I might not have your
Christmas gift until New Year’s Day. Took a little longer to get it. Is that okay?”

Sherry answers:

“Something special is worth waiting for, sweetheart. No problem.”

(“Oh, my God. He really is going to ask me. I can’t wait.”)

Translation: Sherry is hoping and counting on the fact that Jeff is going to give her
an engagement ring for Christmas. Jeff wants to take his mom to the party that night
but Sherry wants to make sure they are alone for dinner to give him the opportunity to
propose.

She wants to postpone being with his mom until the next day and hopes they’ll have good
news to share with her.

Jeff is misunderstanding her desire to be with him that night. He loves her with all of
his heart and has thought that he would like to propose someday after he gets the big
promotion he’s working towards. Could happen by her birthday in April and he could buy
her that ring she loves so much with his income tax return.

Can you imagine the potential disappointments awaiting this couple? They are not
intentionally withholding or trying to manipulate each other. Just sincerely trying to
communicate carefully, with every intention of making certain that they can get what
they each need while supporting each other’s dreams. They are making erroneous
assumptions, because they don’t want to say the wrong thing, but they’re heading for
disappointment and the potential of real relationship damage.

Had Sherry and Jeff openly discussed their engagement plans together, they’d both be on
the same page. They would probably both have anxiety about saying or doing the right
thing, but if they are indeed the right match for each other, this interaction wouldn’t have
derailed them. Rather, it would have strengthened their connection and ability to be open
with one another.

In key 4, you’ll read about the most common conflicts intimate couples can expect to face.
We’ll explore how to best understand your partner so you can avoid the major sources
of relationship blunders, and instead learn the skills that will deepen the trust you have in
each other.
The “Law Of No Negative Surprises”

Even after my patients have developed trust in our relationship, they may still wait a long
time before they reveal potentially off-putting stories. It can be gut-wrenching to talk about
embarrassing financial mistakes, conflicting religious beliefs, family skeletons, traumas,
failed relationships, quirky tastes, inheritable illnesses, or past sexual experiences.
Most people are understandably nervous about the consequences of sharing delicate
information.

From what these patients have taught me, I’ve established an understanding that I call
“The Law of No Negative Surprises.” It essentially states that: Any data that could ever hurt
a potential partner must be disclosed before it does.

The statement is meant to prevent the universal difficulty of restoring the loss of trust
when partners fail to inform someone they want to keep around of something they might
consider a reason to leave were they to know. Once that negative surprise emerges,
that partner is reasonable to assume that others may lurk behind. Most people, given the
chance, would have preferred to have been told before they invested in the relationship,
even if they, themselves, have been guilty of withholding.

Besides taking the risk of alienating your partner, being a fugitive from your own truth is a
hard road to walk. If the person you currently love trusts your core self, he may be able to
understand who you are and still care for you enough to relieve you of your burden.

It is, of course, always a gamble, and many people put off the decision until they feel more
secure in the relationship or hope it will never be necessary to reveal potentially damaging
information. Unfortunately, your secrecy will take away from your ability to be totally
transparent in other areas as well. Because true intimacy is so based upon complete and
honest sharing, it is fallacious to think that you will be able to experience being truly known
and still beloved if your partner bases his feelings towards you on incomplete information.

When To Disclose Uncomfortable Information With A New Partner

Every facet of human interaction is susceptible to errors. No one is exempt from making
mistakes or doing things they later regret. Everyone brings his or her own baggage of
embarrassing secrets to every new relationship and has to make the fateful decision of
when, whether, or how, to tell a potential partner. An incorrectly timed confession can
make or break a new relationship, but the withholding of crucial information discovered
too late can do the same.

There are four areas to keep in mind when disclosing information to a new partner:

Area One: What You Need to Reveal As Soon As Possible

Anything that could cause your potential partner direct or indirect harm is better told up
front.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases are often the most obvious concerns, but there are others.
If you’re involved in anything illegal, have dated someone close to that new person, are
committed to someone else who doesn’t know you’re out looking, are on parole, have
major obligations to other relationships like children, or have serious food allergies, you
might want to mention those kinds of experiences early on.

In matters that are this serious, it is always better to be present with your partner.
Misunderstandings happen too often as it is, and being able to see someone’s face, hear
their voice, and watch their body language helps to make communication more accurate.

You might preface your statements with something like:

“This is difficult for me, but I want you to trust me, so I’m going to share some things about
myself up front here. I hope you won’t judge me negatively, but I’d rather you know now so
you can make that choice before we give up on each other.”

Ask yourself how you would feel about someone honest enough to share that kind of
vulnerability. Even if you didn’t want to pursue the relationship further because of what
you’ve been told, you would probably appreciate that person’s honesty.

Area Two: What You Will Need to Reveal Soon

If the relationship seems to be progressing and you’re spending more time with each
other, it’s time to reveal deeper issues that might affect the relationship.

You should be having a conversation that doesn’t necessarily guarantee a forever

commitment, but that does require mutual openness about anything that might get in the
way. This is the time to talk about your aspirations and dreams for your own future, and
how you see yourself accomplishing them.

Commitments take time, energy, and resources away from a relationship unless they
are mutual. Tell your potential future partner what your plans are for you past, present,
and future obligations, and how important they are to you. Prior relationships that are
still around, aging parents that you feel obligated to take care of, how you feel about
sharing money, material things that are important, whether you want to have children, any
addictions, and what your personality defects might be under certain conditions.

Tell him what to expect with a longer and deeper commitment. Share prior relationship
successes and failures and what caused them. In short, give your potential partner a
preview of what to expect, should he or she get more involved with you. Of course, you
want the same honest, vulnerable statements in return.

Area Three: What You Need to Reveal Before You Make a Commitment

Now is the time to tell your new partner what they’d have to share to be with you. Where
you stand with financial obligations, if you have an inheritable disease, whether you are
open to a long-term relationship with that person, what he or she will face with family, prior
friendships, business acquaintances, past or present therapy, medicines you are on and
why, and any past entanglements that could surface that might affect the relationship.

You’re trying to reach a place of trust with this new partner. No double standards, no
doing things behind his or her back, and keeping your word. That means telling it like it
is, and taking the chance that the love you’ve created between you will overcome any
barriers that may still be left.

Area Four: What You Have a Right to Keep Private

Some of the things that my patients have told me they can never share have to do with
painful, embarrassing, or primitive feelings.

Many people don’t want a current partner to know they were once bulimic, or had sex with
more than one person at a time. Incest is a very difficult experience to share, especially
if the person still has a relationship with the parent who violated him or her in childhood.
Perhaps they’ve had an embarrassing homosexual experience that left them conflicted
about their sexual orientation, but are now clear about what they want. Some people have
made very disastrous financial decisions and feel too foolish to share them. Others have
lived for years pretending they graduated college when, in fact, they did not. Many people
don’t want to reveal a DUI that resulted in someone’s being injured.

This area is so vulnerable to personal interpretations. Not knowing how another might see
your situation, you are understandably reticent to share these memories.

You must ask yourself if it is just too painful to share with anyone, or whether you don’t
trust the person you’re with to understand and help you overcome your fears. Privacy is
a right. Secrecy is a potential hazard to the intimacy of a relationship. Only the person
struggling with the knowledge can decide for him or herself.

Whatever your personal reasons are for withholding information, you must be certain that
they will never hinder your mutual love and trust should that information emerge. If it does
not impair your partner now or ever, or if is something you have resolved that would not
set up barriers to love, it is your prerogative to keep it within your private domain. Use the
Golden Rule here. Would you want to know these kinds of things from your partner, and
how would you react?

Awkward Moments On Dates And How To Speak Up About Them

In the early stages of getting to know someone, you also want to be honest about anything
your new partner does that makes you uncomfortable.

Speaking up about such issues accomplishes several things at once: you get to see
how sensitive and responsive your date is to the feelings of another, you avoid building
up resentment from bottling up your feelings, and you create an atmosphere of safety
and trust. If your date becomes defensive or thinks you are being too fussy, you know
this probably isn’t a good match. It’s nothing personal that early in the game, and you
can probably share your feelings from a place of non-judgment, graciousness, and
compassion.

Here are a few of the common situations I hear from my patients and what you might want
to tell your date if you find yourself in a similar scenario:

1. Your date orders you a second drink without your asking.

“Thank you so much for your consideration. I like a little buzz but not to feel out of control.
I’m at my best when I’m light-hearted but fully present. You’re welcome to drink it if you’d
like.”

2. Your date walks you to your apartment and asks if he can come in and stay awhile,
clearly looking for sex. He’s made a few comments during dinner about how important sex
is to him and he really can’t understand why most women hold out.

“I had a really nice time tonight, but you’ve made it clear that sex is important to you early
on in a relationship, and you believe that women who don’t have that same desire are
“holding out.” I’m not uncomfortable or unwilling to be sexual but I’ve learned that when
I rush it, I’m not very good in bed. When I let it come naturally, I’m really a great sexual
partner. So I wait until it feels right. If it’s not okay for you, I really understand, but I don’t
compromise up front what I know I’ll regret later.”

3. A guy spends the entire first evening talking about himself, name-dropping, bragging,
and talking to others around the table.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable but I’m having a little trouble with this one-sided
conversation. If I were interviewing you, I could probably write a pretty good article on you
right now, but you haven’t asked me anything about me. I’m not sure that this is who you
really are all the time, and I just need to get to know you better to know the rest. I never
patronize people because I care too much about being honest, so I didn’t want you to keep
going on this way and then have you wonder why I wouldn’t choose to do this again.”

4. It’s your first time out and your date talks badly about his past girlfriend.

“Hey, I’m really sorry that you had a rough go the last time around but it’s a little hard to
hear how bitter you are and how much you feel taken advantage of. I’m a pretty nice girl
but I’m sure I make mistakes from time to time. What do you think started to turn you off to
this girl and why didn’t you get out of the relationship sooner before you felt so angry? I’ve
been told by many of my friends to never get involved with a man who feels women take
advantage of him. Is that the way you feel or was this just a bum experience?”
5. A guy on a first date asks very personal questions, like, “Are you easily orgasmic,” or
“How many sex partners have you had?”

“Whoa. Those would be really fair questions if we were dating for a while and had
established that kind of openness, but right now, they feel a little intrusive and
inappropriate. I hope you don’t mind if I just table them until we find out if we even want to
continue seeing each other?”

Dealing With Disillusionment

Disappointments and disillusionments will eventually occur in any relationship, no

matter how honestly the partners have divulged their past relationship histories. Heroic
authenticity often results in people going more deeply into their core selves with each
other, and new information is not always easy to know or share.

As much as we strive to heed the Law of No Negative Surprises, we just can’t anticipate
all the ways that our current partner will feel about the things we’ve done in the past or are
currently doing. As relationships mature and the partners feel more secure, they may let
down their guards and reveal thoughts or behaviors that are not as welcome as they’d
hoped them to be.

Sometimes the behaviors that disappoint are obvious to both partners. At other times,
they may not even be in touch with them. Almost unnoticed, one or the other partner is
beginning to lose faith in the other and in the potential of the relationship to continue.

Perhaps one of them does something distressing that is an unexpected negative

revelation that sets off a problem between them they could not have anticipated.
Sometimes what appears to be a minor disappointment begins as a small upset but
creates a toxic build-up over time. (We’ll talk more about these slow-building threats to
relationship satisfaction in Key 4.)

Sadly, there are times when awareness of a previously unknown behavior unexpectedly
emerges that may be intensely shocking, shaking the very foundation of the relationship.

Drug addiction, infidelity, genetic predisposition to a terminal illness, past relationship

abuse, an ailing parent who is waiting to be taken in, past relationships with members of
the same gender, or running from the law are all examples of frightening disclosures that
I’ve witnessed coming into play after a relationship is well established. It can even be a
current mishap, as relapsing from an addiction that has been long in remission.

Even if the partners love each other deeply, they must use these breaches of faith to find
a new way to be together, or they can undermine the most devoted of partnerships. This
is a process that requires acceptance, forgiveness, and a commitment to move forward
together. It is not a matter of forgiving the past. It is about building a new, less assailable
relationship so that the future is not defined by the past.
 Chapter 5
How Trust Is Won – And Lost
When I remember the successful long-term relationships I have witnessed, faith and trust
were always considered sacred agreements between the
partners.

Trust is based on believing that your partner will do as he

or she promises, or they will renegotiate their agreement.
Flaking is never okay. Promises are agreements, and
keeping those agreements forms the foundations of trust.

If the partners in a relationship break promises without

remorse, regret, or conflict, they will destroy the
relationship’s potential to grow beyond where it is, or survive the ravages of the mistrust
they have created.

Being honest about what you may or may not be able to be or do for your partner does not
always meet with the kind of acceptance you want. Yet, to promise something you are not
capable of giving is not the answer. Trust is not based on what the other partner wishes
or idealizes, but on what is probable. If you are willing to predict yourself accurately, your
partner will be able to trust that you will be who you say you are.

Times can change, and you are committed to transformation. Keeping your partner
up to date on your changes will affect emerging trust and solidify the sanctity of future
expectations. Trust is a fundamental value for heroic couples. Our focus in this chapter is
on solidifying the trust in your relationship. We’ll discuss the different types of agreements
couples make and what it means to truly honor them.

The Importance Of Keeping Your Word

If you find that you cannot keep a promise you have made to your partner, you must tell
them as soon as possible, and to sincerely ask for forgiveness and help to rebuild the trust
you have broken. You must be willing to renegotiate the original agreement and come
through on the new commitment. Your partner may love you enough to continue believing
you will come through from then on, but will eventually give up if you continue to break
promises in the future.

Keeping promises is easier if you can accurately predict your own behavior and promise
what you are likely to do rather than what you know your partner wants. Even though it
may be hard to disappoint someone in the moment when every fiber of your being wants
to make your partner happy, it is far better to be honest and realistic about what you truly
can deliver than to set up a false set of expectations that are doomed to failure. Hope is
destroyed when the future is used as a haven for disappointment.

Most intimate partners don’t intend to break their agreements. They either don’t project
their resources or availability accurately enough or don’t understand the importance of
the promise they have made. But, when all is said and done, their intentions don’t matter if
they continue to break their promises, whatever the reasons or excuses.

People are judged not by what they promise, but by what they do. And they will eventually
be seen as intending what they do, and accountable for those choices. Forgiveness will
wear out over time, even when the reasons for flaking are understandable.

This principle may have its legitimate exceptions. There are authentic emergencies
outside of anyone’s control that can make a specific promise impossible to keep. But, if
those excuses become the rule, your partner will be justified in losing faith in you. When
that happens, it is an arduous and difficult process to reverse. Like in the fable, “The Boy
Who Cried Wolf,” there may be no one around to listen when you finally do what you say.

When Broken Promises Become Deal Breakers

All of us make promises that, no matter our intent, sometimes just don’t materialize.
Partners in great relationships who are well tuned to each other know when an exception is
understandable and when it is not. They also believe in their partner’s good intentions and
how badly they feel when they can’t come through. They are poised to forgive each other
so long as those agreements are most often held.

Certain promises are more important than others, and the partners receiving them are less
likely to be okay when they are broken. Whether or not the partners making them will be
forgiven for those kinds of exceptions depends on the foundation the couple has created
and what the reasons are for the disappointment. But, even in the best of relationships,
promises broken too often can damage a relationship beyond repair.

Here are some examples of promises that, if broken numerous times, can eventually
become deal breakers in even quality relationships:

“I’ll really take off those twenty pounds, sweetie. I know it bothers you. By your birthday, I
promise.”
(It sounds legitimate and sincere, but doesn’t happen.)

“My parents are only going to stay for the weekend. I’ve talked to them and they completely
understand that you have a big work-load and need the quiet.”
(It will turn into a month the way it always has, and there will be a new “legitimate” excuse
every time.)

“I’ll never get drunk again.”

(Until the next weekend.)

“I’m tired, honey. I promise we’ll make love in the morning.”

(Morning is officially over at noon.)

“I’ll stay on the budget this month, I promise.”

(Unless I run out of money.)

“We’ll get away alone together, just as soon as I finish this deal.”
(Unless someone makes me another offer I can’t refuse.)

“I’ll start getting home in time to have dinner with you. Just give me a few days.”
(I wish she would understand that my patients come first. I’ll really try, but her demands
are unreasonable. She’ll complain, but she usually gets over it.)

All of these may sound like small offenses. But, repeated over and over, they form allergy-
like reactions with lessened likelihood they will be believed in the future.

The Two Ways Intimate Partners Most Commonly Break Promises

If you consistently find yourself meaning to come through for your partner, but consistently
unable to keep your word, the two reasons that most often are the cause are chronic
people pleasing and procrastination.

Let’s look at each of them closely:

Promise-Breaking Behavior #1: Chronic People Pleasing

People pleasers frequently agree in the moment to whatever is being asked of them. They
cannot bear being the “bad guy,” especially to someone who matters, or lose potential
options for reciprocity when they might need it.

Because their expectations of themselves are usually not realistic, they are often unable to
come through, even if they mean to. Wanting to feel more available than they actually are,
they may pretend to themselves that they will comply then the time comes. They say “yes”
even when they may really mean “I’d love to but I probably can’t, “maybe I’ll be able to but
I’m not sure” or “no, thank you. I really don’t want to.”

If these behaviors continue, the partners of these people often become edgy, hyper
vigilant, and exhausted. They live on the edge of continual frustration, never knowing
when or whether the promise made is a ruse, a stand-off, or will actually happen. As the
relationship progresses, their initial, genuine desire to believe in the promises made will
unfortunately turn to bitterness.

If you think you might be a people pleaser, ask yourself the following questions to help you
change your behavior:
1. Is the gratefulness I see in my partner when I promise something eclipsed by his or her
disappointment in me when I flake?

2. Where did I learn that it is better to be loved in the moment even if I will have to face
anger and hurt later on?

3. Why do I expect that my good intentions will be enough, even if I can’t follow through
some of the time?

4. What am I afraid of if I do not comply with my partner’s wishes?

5. Have I tried telling my partner what he or she could really expect to see if my fears are
actually true?

6. Can you see that being the partner who is always trying to please could rob your
partner of caring for you enough to drop his or her expectations?

Promise-Breaking Behavior #2: Procrastination

People who consistently procrastinate make promises very similarly to those who want to
please. However, procrastinators extend their behavior to almost every other area in their
lives. They make agreements they really don’t want to make and put off fulfilling them
because they didn’t want to do them in the first place. Their magical thinking is that, if they
can put it off, it might no longer be necessary to do it. Meanwhile, their partner becomes
more and more resentful and untrusting.

A procrastinator often waits until the last possible minute to fulfill a promise. Sadly,
procrastinators usually suffer their own behavior. They do want to please their partners but
cannot seem to set boundaries that allow them to do what they want to do, not what they
think they ought to do. The “not enough time” excuse can work once in a while, but if it is a
pattern, it stops being convincing.

Procrastinators can learn how to predict themselves better, to be more honest about their
conflicts, and to break their patterns. Their partners will often be helpful if they are part of
the solution.

If you are a chronic procrastinator in your relationship, ask yourself the following questions
to help you change your behavior:

1. Have you been reinforced in your procrastinating behavior by getting out of your
promises without consequences?

2. Do you find yourself anxious and worried until your promise is either kept or you have to
face the consequences?

3. Do you suffer your partner’s distress on the other end of you?

4. How do you respond when someone else procrastinates in their promises to you?
5. At those times when you actually come through before your deadline, do you feel better
about yourself or resentful that you “had to perform before you were ready”?

6. Do you feel resentful after you’ve agreed to do something you didn’t want to do?

The 4 Rules Of Relationship Honesty

Despite the understandable need we humans “have to do-whatever we need to do-to

get what we want”, keeping our word in a relationship is the first inviolate commitment in
building trust between ourselves and the people we love.

Though you may have to postpone gratification in the short run, you will have a much
better chance to create a lasting, great relationship if you try to live by these simple rules:

1. When you’re about to make a promise to your partner, ask yourself first what your
availability and resources actually are and be honest about what you can, or cannot, do.
Make certain that you have the motivation to give what is asked of you without resentment,
or tell your partner up front what you need in return.

2. If something unexpectedly comes up that makes it difficult to do what you said you
would, let your partner know as soon as you can, and renegotiate immediately. Never let
your partner down unless it’s something you could not have foreseen. Always be ready to
sincerely apologize, to work with your partner to understand what happened, and to plan
better for the next time together.

3. Pay attention to your own patterns of avoidance, procrastination, or temporary amnesia,

so you can predict your own behavior accurately. Knowing yourself deeply also includes
those parts of yourself that you’re still working on. You are a work in progress, not a
finished product. Your own self-acceptance and genuine desire to improve should help
your partner understand and support you in your goals.

4. Resolve your own embarrassments, inadequacies, and past mistakes. As we discussed

in Chapter 4, you should talk to your partner about what categories of past behaviors you
both need to know about each other so that you can make educated decisions about the
past, present, and future.

When people say they want an honest partner, they’re looking for a relationship that
makes them feel safe enough to be themselves – and they want to do the same for the
person they love. Being authentic and keeping your word are critical to achieving the
experience of Heroic Love, and they are what keep your relationship honest. When you
commit to these principles and practice them diligently, you get as much as you give – a
relationship where you can shine in all your glory, and a passionate love affair that never
gets old.
 Key 3

Heroic Love Practices The Art Of Translation… And Creates

An Unshakeable Foundation

The greatest challenge couples face when communicating is assuming and expecting
that they should naturally “get” one another.

But no matter how similar two people in a relationship appear to be, they are still
individuals with different backgrounds. Everyone brings their own life experience, culture,
and mindset to a relationship – and your partner’s “package” is going to be different from
yours. Growing together involves understanding and respecting those differences.

The Art of Translation is a process for communication and conflict resolution that allows
you to bridge the gap between you and your partner. When you practice the Art of
Translation, disagreements and differences of opinion won’t derail you; you’ll know how to
negotiate them and heroically use them to grow closer as a couple while maintaining your
individuality.

In this key, you’ll learn to become an expert of your partner’s inner world. You’ll find out
what makes your partner tick, why they approach things the way they do, and what they
need from you. You’ll learn to understand your partner – and be understood – in a whole
new way that is deeply fulfilling for both of you. You’re going to look at each other in new
ways, perhaps as you never have before, no matter how much time you’ve spent together.
 Chapter 6
Excavating Your Partner’s Experience
If you were an anthropologist or sociologist conducting a field research of a population,
your first task would be to let go of any preconceptions
you may have had about that culture. You would immerse
yourself in the lives of these people and have the boundless
curiosity of a small child – exploring every detail of the
intricacies of their habits, rituals, and customs. You would
live within their culture as they do, wanting to take in a
comprehensive understanding of why, how, and when they
do the things they do, and how they feel about their world.

As you spend more non-judgmental time with them, they

would, hopefully, become more and more comfortable with you, developing a deepening
trust, and sharing their more sacred experiences. You might even be welcomed as one
of their honored guests, invited to participate as long as you wished and as deeply as you
were willing.

Over time, if the mutual trust between you increased, you could comfortably feel that you
could accurately communicate who those people are to others. And even after feeling
you knew them well, you would still always have more questions, as they would of you.
Because you were not born into the culture, you would forever come upon parts of them
you hadn’t yet understood. And for the answers to your new questions, you would go right
to the source – that same culture you now feel deeply connected to.

This is exactly how you want to approach communication in your relationship –

discovering everything you don’t know about this uncharted territory, as an adventuring
hero would.

Your partner will respond to your words, emotions, and touch in their own way, bringing
their unique life experiences into those interactions. Until we learn each other’s way of
responding, we can never just assume that our partners are like us, take them for granted,
or think we automatically know what they need from us.

In this chapter, you’ll become that anthropologist exploring the thoughts, feelings,
motivations, and behaviors of your partner, ever open to more discovery of that expanding
relationship. You’ll learn how to truly listen to your partner and how to create an
environment where both of you feel safe to express your individual needs.

The Mindset Of An Emotional Anthropologist: Inquiry Before

Judgment

You cannot be open to your partner’s experience if you are poised to judge, invalidate,
erase, or otherwise attempt to change his or her feelings or thoughts before you truly
understand what is being shared with you. If you cannot fully listen without a pre-created
need to override what you are hearing, you will only listen long enough to put your own
position front and center.

Your partner, feeling that his or her attempt to tell you what is going on is not being heard,
will respond with a greater intensity and need to re-establish what has already been said.
If you, then, escalate your own need to end up on top, you will wind up in a conflict where
neither of you are able to listen to the other anymore.

Whoever wins will not matter anymore; your intimacy is gone.

Inquiry before judgement is the opposite: it’s about considering your partner’s experience
first rather than automatically reacting to him. Instead of correcting or negating him, you
will respond with curiosity and the desire to discover.

Whenever you approach your partner to work something through, start with the absolute
desire to first understand how he or she will feel and think about the issue. As a competent
emotional anthropologist, you’re not going to superimpose your cultural view on your
partner, but rather you will want to learn as much about him or her as you can before you
continue to respond. And you’ll be open to hearing how you are perceived and received
in return. You’ll tell each other what the other could do to make it easier for you to be open.

To be successful on this journey, you and your partner must come from a place of deep
and profound humility – accepting that there is no judgment in the process and that you
are evolving in ways you have not before. You’re both a work in progress, joining forces to
create deeper understanding.

Inquiry Before Judgement In Practice

When I teach couples how to accurately, compassionately, and willingly listen to each
other, I ask them to first make absolutely certain they understand what their partner is
saying before they are entitled to respond. They have replaced needing to win with the
desire to understand and learn. To have the best chance of doing that, they must slow
down their own reactions, take a deep breath, and move into a position of genuine inquiry
without the need to do a quick sum-up or replace what is being said with their own
experience.

That’s not easy or natural for most people. They are more likely to feel that, if they don’t
immediately respond with their own feelings when they don’t agree, they will be seen as
condoning what they are hearing, and not be able to argue their point of view later on.
A typical, combative exchange of this kind often starts with an implied challenge or direct
criticism and quickly escalates into an interaction of adversaries:

Bea: “I hated what you said to Lannie at dinner tonight; I think it was rude and
embarrassing.”

Cal: “Why are you always picking at me? I was teasing her. It’s no big deal. Lay off, Bea.
Just because you’re so sensitive, doesn’t mean that everyone is.”

Bea: “I don’t know how else I’m ever going to get across to you how bad your social skills
are. It’s embarrassing for me to be with you when you act like that.”

Cal: “Maybe you should try listening to what I have to say, rather than finding fault with the
way I say it. At least I’m honest. You lie through your teeth just to have people like you, and
then tell me later what you really feel. That’s a better way to be?”

Bea: “Well, at least I care about people’s feelings. That’s kinder and way more diplomatic.
You think that being honest gives you license to be a jerk. You obviously don’t care about
anyone else’s feelings but your own.”

In just a few interchanges, this couple has not only not listened, but are both off and
running on what is important to each of them, losing the other in their need to be right.

What if, instead, they did something even a little more effective?

Bea: “I hated what you said to Lannie at dinner tonight; I think it was rude and really
embarrassed her. Me, too.”

Same accusatory and critical beginning, but a different response.

Cal: “I had no idea I was making you or Lannie uncomfortable. What did I say that made
you feel so uncomfortable?”

(Letting the initial challenge go. Responding with support.)

Bea: “When you told Lannie that she must have stopped exercising because she looked a
little ‘round.”’

(Giving a little more information about the real problem for her.)

Cal: “Bea, I was just teasing. She’s been my friend for a long time and she didn’t seem to
mind. Did she tell you that it bothered her? You know that I really care for her. And I never
would have wanted you to feel uncomfortable, either. Where did I go wrong?”

(Holding on to his position while simultaneously maintaining compassion for Bea, respect
for himself, and asking for more information.)

Bea: (Softening.) “I know you would never mean to do something that unkind on purpose.
I just thought you were being insensitive. You’d had a lot to drink and so did we. She might
have really been okay and it’s just my thing. I’m sorry if I’m being too harsh.”

(Remembering that he is someone who cares for people. Questioning her own tendency
to quick judgment.)

Cal: “No, I want the feedback. I trust you. You’ve always had a better pulse on people than
I do. I’ve always been a little too blunt. It’s the way I was raised and I like people to tell me
the truth even if it’s in a teasing way. I sometimes forget that it might not be the right thing
to say to everyone. What really bothered you about my remark?”

(Validating her good qualities. Asking for guidance. Wanting to do it more positively the
next time around.)

Bea: “Maybe It’s really about me and that’s why I’m being so sensitive. I know I’ve gained
a few pounds, and you haven’t said anything. I guess that I took it personally. Lannie did
laugh. I think this is between you and me. I think it’s my own insecurity. And besides, I
count on your honesty. I’d always rather know how you feel.”

(Because of his sensitivity and lack of defensiveness, she is getting closer to what was
really bothering her. Confesses her own issues and validates him.

Cal: “I get it now. I should have realized you might be uncomfortable. I never would hurt
you or Lannie on purpose. If I screw up, could you start the conversation just a little less
attacking? I don’t like feeling that defensive and it’s hard to listen when I feel put down like
that.”

(Continuing to show her he appreciates her input and now feels welcome to ask for what
he wants.)

Bea: “That’s totally fair. I’m sorry.”

(She is receptive and supportive. Problem resolved.)

This second interaction may sound impossibly idealistic, but it was an actual conversation
between a newly-married couple that I worked with several years ago. Their initial
communications did sound very much like the first dialogue, but those upside down,
counter-attacks all but disappeared in the two years we worked together. They were
never as far apart in their hearts as they ended up in their conflicts. Just listening without
defending gave them the space to find that out.

Exercise: Living In The Mind Of Your Partner

Many times during a therapy session, I have asked couples who could not stop arguing
to reverse roles. To do this exercise, they have to assume their partners voice, style, body
language, facial expression, emotional and philosophical position in the disagreement.

When they are good-natured enough to try it, their first reactions are usually surprise
followed by embarrassed laughter and, hopefully, some humility. They can readily see
that they don’t have nearly as much information they would need to come even close
to playing their partner’s part adequately. By their recognizing of that understandable
ineptness, they can readily see that they haven’t taken the time to understand their
partner’s position, experience, or motivation.

A sure-fire way to avoid that kind of center-stage egocentricity, is to catch an argument

just as it’s beginning, and take a moment without speaking to look into each other’s eyes
and try to figure out what your partner is thinking and feeling before you get going. It’s
even more effective if you hold hands while you’re doing this.

First, just take a few minutes to quiet your emotions and center yourselves on the task at
hand. Then, silently, ask yourselves the following questions:

• What is my partner feeling right now about him or herself, about me, and about the
situation?

• What does he or she want from me? What is the likely outcome if I insist on saying
what I want to say?

• What would I want to happen if I had the capacity to resolve this argument in my
favor?

• Will my short-term gain conflict with my long-term desires in this relationship?

• Will the interaction that is about to happen bring us closer or create scars that will
hurt our relationship in the long run?

• Will I like the person I’m about to become?

• Could we make a video of the argument that is about to happen and be proud to
show it to three people the next day who we want to think well of us?

After you have the answers clearly in both of your minds, the bravest of you should
volunteer first to guess what your partner is thinking and feeling without their cueing you
into the answer. It is very helpful to do that in both directions to see just how on or off
target you actually are.

That type of heroic endeavor could sound something like this:

“I’m going to guess that you are feeling insecure. You are wondering what I want. You
would like me to see your point and agree with you and, if I don’t, you are probably going to
be disappointed or angry. You don’t want this to be a big deal, but you’d really be happy if
I’d try to make you feel better about what you want. You’re torn between wanting what you
want and not wanting to alienate me. You’re feeling a little embarrassed about asking me to
sacrifice for you right now because you haven’t been as loving to me as you usually are.”

The other partner isn’t allowed to respond until he or she goes through the same exercise
under a similar interrogation light. Just being willing to go through an exercise of this kind
changes the way partners look at each other’s needs, not only in the current interaction,
but also in the ones that will inevitably follow. It also creates the opportunity to see more
underlying issues that could be the real drivers of the potential conflict.

Questions For Mutual Reflection: Successfully Phrasing A Request

If you want to create an atmosphere in your relationship where both of you feel
comfortable and welcome in sharing your needs, try asking yourself these questions
before you attempt to sort out a difference of opinion – preferably out loud with your
partner.

• What would I like to happen as a result of this interaction?

• What will be my partner’s likely reactions to my request?

• How will my partner do with his or her thoughts and feelings? What were those
reactions in the past?

• How will I respond if my partner does not agree with me or is unable to give me
what I need?

• How will I respond if I do get what I want? Entitled? Appreciative?

• How will our relationship be after our conflict is resolved? Which one of us will
benefit and will either of us feel badly?

• What is the most successful approach that will make my partner feel cared for, and
still consider listening to the validity of my need?

When I’ve had couples in my practice do this, it is often amazing for them to see how
close or far apart they actually would be if they had listened carefully and lovingly
from the beginning. You would expect the answers to these questions to be known by
both partners in a long-term relationship, but they often are not. Most people have not
developed the skills to pay careful enough attention to each other’s differences, and they
continue to argue from emotional blind spots.

The Meaning Of True Listening

When the partners in an intimate relationship jump quickly into premature judgments
without asking the necessary data-gathering questions, they pretty much guarantee that
any productive communication will end.

Accurate and productive listening is not just hearing the words or the feelings of their
lovers. It’s giving them the sense that their partner is inside their worlds, understanding
their motives, meanings, and needs. It isn’t important whether or not they ultimately
agree with the premise. They still need to listen. There will be plenty of time to state any
difference down the line.

Listening to someone you care about with support and validation does not automatically
imply agreement. There are often many different ways to approach the same task, and
the search for truth demands that you consider alternative viewpoints. It takes humility
to do so, and it also demonstrates tremendous strength – it shows that you are confident
enough to be wrong, and that you’re up for the challenge of a different, perhaps better
way.

If you listen effectively without defense or counter-attack, your partner will feel comfortable
getting deeper into what is really troubling them, sometimes discovering an underlying,
different problem that is more relevant. The initial statement was just the vehicle to express
something more important.

“Inquiry before judgment” sounds like such a simple instruction, but it is a basic
requirement of productive communication. If you move to judgment and conclusion too
soon, you may fight through the presenting problem, but you’re likely to miss what is really
happening at a deeper level. That more profound, more substantive issue is certain to re-
emerge in a later conflict.
 Chapter 7
Your Partner, Your Mirror
People learn who they are by looking at the way they are reflected by others. Throughout
our lives, we look into those mirrors and form and reform
our sense of self. Those cumulative representations often
are the basis of who we believe ourselves to be. The more
important people are to us, the more the mirrors impact us.
Of course, we would prefer those multiple mirrors to reflect
back more of our positive traits, and we’re understandably
distressed when they don’t.

Imagine that you are looking into your partner’s eyes and
seeing yourself in his or her emotional mirror that reflects
back to you the way he or she feels about you. How do you feel about yourself when you
look into that mirror? What happens when your partner’s mirror changes in a moment of
anger or one of love? How does he or she feel when looking into the changes of your
mirror?

Your intimate love relationships have the most potent mirrors to either make you feel
desirable, valued, and wanted, or inadequate, invalidated, and rejected. Though you have
prior definitions of self as you enter a relationship, you can still be deeply affected by a
current love.

In your search for truth, your partner will be an important and powerful guiding light. You
will use him or her to help show you the way – reflecting and uncovering long-hidden areas
for growth and change.

While you can make progress on your own, the intimacy and proximity of a genuine and
courageous relationship offers a symbolic personal-growth boot camp. Where else do
you have the opportunity to practice patience, discover a different perspective, and push
yourself to new heights?

Loving heroically means you welcome the opportunity for your partner to be your ultimate
mirror for personal development. You know that your partnership is sacred, and that your
adventure of romantic love together calls for continuous discovery – of your self and each
other.

In doing so, you will avoid the trap of relationship boredom and push each other to ever-
deepening levels of transformation. You’ll bring forward all that is exciting and good from
your early courtship while you continue to evolve.

In this chapter, you’ll explore what your partner reflects about you and how you can
help him truly hear you. You’ll learn to work together as partners to break long-standing
patterns, create growth, and enjoy deeper intimacy.

Leaning Into Critique: Examining Your Partner’s Experience Of You

Every word we utter, every behavior we show, every belief we hold dear, should be open
to challenge and transformation for all our lives. When others reinforce the things we
already like about ourselves, the motivation to learn and grow is understandably on a back
burner.

Though critique is more difficult to hear, it offers us the opportunity to look closely at who
we are and how we might want to be different. Though it is always crucial to consider the
source, leaning into critique as a chosen response will always give us greater options
to practice flexibility and openness. It defines us as a person who is more interested in
learning than in being right.

Most couples have a very hard time with putting this concept into action. Their most
automatic response to critique is to be defensive. It’s hard to hear something that doesn’t
help our positive self-concept, and most of us will initially push it away or break the mirror.

When I can get a couple to see this as not a threatening but an exciting process, it
becomes the most efficient and productive response they have ever mastered. Their
communication instantly improves as they practice the willingness to meet an accusation
or challenge with a sincere desire for more information.

For example, if someone you care deeply about says to you, “That was a stupid thing to
do,” most people would respond with something like, “Don’t call me stupid,” or “That’s
mean,” or “You think you’re much smarter?”

It’s natural to feel the need to protect yourself by pulling in, counter-accusing, coming
up with something else that diverts the accusation, or punishing your accuser. But, what
if you tried something designed to gain more information and neutralize your partner’s
mood? What if your first response, instead, was not defensive but simultaneously held on
to your own self-respect until you got more data?

Here are a few examples:

“Hey, I’ll try to listen but you’ll have to define what you mean by “stupid” first because it’s
not usually meant in a positive way and I don’t want to be defensive unless that’s what’s
called for.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about. What do you mean when you use that word? What
did I do that made you feel that way?”

“You obviously didn’t like what I did and you’re using a derogatory word. Can you tell me
more without starting out that way?”
“I want to understand what you’re feeling, but it’s hard to do that on the other end of your
disdain. Can you tell me what happened to make you approach me that way?”

“Have you always felt this way about me, or are you just really irritated about what I did
tonight?

“I’m going to ignore the word you chose because you’re usually not this hurtful. Is there
something deeper going on that’s making you start off with an insult? How could I best
respond to you to get us in a better place?”

How You Say It is Everything

To effectively lean into critique, the tone of your voice cannot be mocking, reactive, or
sarcastic. You are communicating that you are willing to take that person’s critique into
consideration, but only with more relevant information. Ideally, if you have positioned
yourself with calmness, equanimity, and an ability to check out the validity of your angry
opponent, you may actually succeed in neutralizing the attack.

If you can come anywhere close to doing that, you are already in the top one percent
as an effective communicator. Remember, just because you are open to critique doesn’t
mean you ultimately have to agree with that person’s evaluation. Sometimes, if his or her
initial challenge is well received, your partner will apologize. If not, you can always agree
to disagree:

“Thanks for letting me know how you feel. I heard everything you said and listened
carefully to the relevance and the examples. I don’t see it the same way, but I have no
need to change your mind.”

What You Can Expect When You Practice Leaning Into Critique

Even if you are doing everything right, your partner may not respond in a way you’d like
right away because he or she is intent on the message sent and not thinking about how
you might feel on the other end or whether that interaction would be good for both of you
in the long run.

If you and your partner commit to practicing inquiry before judgment as you lean into
critique, your communication will dramatically improve. So many initial comments are
thrown out in anger or in pain and can cause a defensive reaction in the other partner. If
these comments are met with inquiry and welcome, they are often neutralized and quieted
very quickly. Soon, the partner who is upset feels cared for and listened to. You get to the
real problem that may be driving the challenge, and you can talk more openly.
Leaning Into Critique Demands A Mutual Commitment

Leaning into critique is a beautiful, caring, and very successful way to make a partner feel
treasured. The caveat is that it must go both ways. If only one partner gives that kind of
welcome support, but the other, instead of appreciating it, escalates his or her attack, this
technique, sadly, can backfire.

Here are examples of both, starting with a successful attempt:

Joe: “You know I’m hungry when I get home. Why can’t you ever have dinner ready?
Please, for God’s sake, none of your excuses. I’m really frustrated.”

Gina: (Reaching for his hand) “Honey, you seem particularly upset. I can get you a snack
right away to help, but I don’t think that’s the real problem. I know you’ve been working
really long hours and fighting off a cold, but is there anything else that’s bothering you? I’m
concerned. I’m okay with your being mad at me, but you’re usually not quite so challenging.
Please tell me how I can help.”

Joe: “I’m probably being unreasonable, honey. I know you’ve got stuff on your plate, too,
but I guess I count on you to make my day. I am hungry, but you’re right. It’s probably more
that I’ve been asking people all day to do their job and no one seems interested in helping.
I think I took it out on you. Thank you for not taking it personally. It makes things so much
easier.”

And here’s how it can backfire – the first two quotes are the same, but here’s a need-to-
win partner’s response:

Joe: “Don’t try being nice just to get me to back down. You never accept responsibility
when it’s clearly your fault. I’ve told you a hundred times what you need to do for me and
you just don’t care enough to listen. Either do what I need or tell me that you the hell don’t
care. And maybe you just don’t, and I keep being a stupid idiot to think you do. And, while
I’m at it, why is this place such a mess?”

Gina: “What about you? You never come home at the same time. You don’t call and tell me
and just expect me to cater to you and your damn moods.”

And off and running. You can see how this scenario would simply perpetuate the battle
rather than coming together to arrive at an equally beneficial solution.

When Your Partner Won’t Lean Into Critique

Partners who can’t or won’t lean into critique often have a fear that they are opening up
themselves to an emotional beating if they give in to the first round.

They have usually been raised by a parent who went on tirades when he or she was
angry, or are hypersensitive to any criticism. If that is true, the partner needing to express
an angst of any kind must be careful to introduce it with reassurance.

Here’s a way you could phrase your request:

“Honey, I need to talk to you about something important to me. It might feel as if I’m
blaming you but that’s not what I want you to feel. I just don’t know if we’ve had a
misunderstanding, or you might not know what you’ve done that’s hurt me. I want to give
you a chance to hear me out and maybe help me get through this. I won’t drag it out and
I’m not into causing you unnecessary anguish. I just need your help. Are you in a place
where you can listen for a few minutes?”

Being able to hear your partner’s distress without invalidating, erasing, or counter-
criticizing is an invaluable tool in successful communication. It is more likely to be
successful when it’s presented without harassment, ridicule, blame, or the need to win
at your partner’s expense. It is also likely to be more successful if you are at the other
end of your partner’s distress and listen carefully, search for the underlying problem, and
respond to your partner’s feelings, rather than the content.

If one partner gives that kind of support, or asks for it, the other partner must be ready to
join in a way that a positive outcome is more likely. If either, put on the defensive, needs
to win the battle, they will, for sure, lose the war. If that happens, then the real problem is
the need to win, and it must be addressed before any other issues can be successfully
resolved.

The Importance Of Timing

When and where you choose to tell your partner something that is important to you can
have a powerful impact on whether he or she can hear you and will be motivated to learn
and change. It is hard to speak strongly enough about waiting for, or creating, the right
time to share sacred moments and crucial vulnerabilities.

My grandmother, who came from Russia, was adamant about this – insisting that it is
always better to wait until the right time and place before saying something that you
really want your partner to hear. She believed that impatience had no good place in life,
especially if it was going to be followed by saying or doing something negative that could
end up counter-productive.

She had wonderful ways of saying things cryptically in her broken English, but the
meanings came through loud and clear. “Would you listen to something you don’t want
to do better when you’re hungry?” Or, of course, from the teachings of her country of
origin and the limitations it placed on her own options: “Never start an argument before
bedtime,” or “Make someone feel loved before you expect them to do something nice for
you.”

My grandmother also gave me other wonderful advice about timing, some of which may
sound a little old fashioned now. But she handed them down to me with her typical don’t-
forget-this-ever look. I wish I could remember her charming broken English; but this is my
translation:

“Never talk about problems with your partner until he has had a good meal.”

“Don’t overload him with too many questions at a time.”

“Let him pick the time to share his world with you. Mustn’t push in when a man is
preoccupied.”

“Read between the lines, and bracket your requests between kindnesses and support for
him.”

Obviously, women’s equivalent entitlements weren’t on the agenda yet, but my

grandmother had her own unquestioned expectations of my grandfather’s treatment of
her. He didn’t argue with her, either.

“Talking your heart,” as my grandmother lectured to me, should ideally only take place
when you have the time, desire, and the best opportunity for a productive outcome. Her
wisdom is still intact in today’s world, but those chosen moments are becoming a luxury.
Most couples undergoing the stresses of today’s demands do not arrange for important
talks on a regular basis. By the time they cannot hold back a mounting resentment or
increasing hunger for caring, they are consumed with their own desire to be heard or to
get what they need. Without consciously creating the most effective timing, they doom
themselves to much less productive outcomes just for the sake of convenience.

Getting Support From Your Partner When You Need It

There are, of course, issues that come up at inconvenient times. Despite a couple’s
absolute agreement that sharing vulnerable or threatening thoughts or feelings should
happen when both are rested and available, it isn’t always possible to make that happen.
For instance, what if you have a terribly pressing and painful subject or situation that you
feel is urgent and need to share with your partner as soon as possible?

Say you were just chewed out by your boss after an important error had occurred at
work that wasn’t your fault, but you were the scapegoat who got the blame. You’re really
needing support and a safe place to talk it through. But your partner is preoccupied with
an unresolved personal issue of his or her own at the same time, too self-involved to give
you the legitimate attention you need.

Or maybe, your partner needs you at the same level of urgency. You’re upset that you
can’t get what you desperately and legitimately need, but you don’t want to take your
frustration out on your partner, and you don’t want to have to process this alone, or wait
too long to get it taken care of. What is your best course of action?
Assuming entitlement to your partner’s immediate availability feels a little immature. You
know that automatically expecting him to be there for you at any time, fully available and
attitudinally generous, usually happens if someone is under the age of three on the other
end of consistently indulgent parents. Yet, you know your partner cares deeply for you
and might be available if he or she knew how badly you felt. It might be worse not to ask
at all.

Starting with that understanding, you decide to take the risk, and begin with:

“I can see that you’re struggling with your own stuff right now. You’ve been up late for the
last three nights and could use some loving space. The last thing you probably need is an
intrusive interruption, but something has come up that is really hard for me to handle. Could
you spare a few minutes without it causing you too much energy? I need you babe.”

I can’t imagine a partner who cares for you not being responsive to that kind of request.
It incorporates a concern for them, a clear statement of the urgency of the need, and a
request that is sincere. Even if they couldn’t help, they would be sad for you, and that is
part of the solution. After a while, your partner might come through and you’ll still benefit.

Of course, there are also times when you truly can’t, or shouldn’t have to wait, but it’s still
important to tell your partner why you are asking for this exception. lf you and your partner
have agreed upon the definition of what a true emergency is, and your present crisis
qualifies, you should be able to ask for special time no matter what priorities your partner
may have, and feel totally reciprocal if your partner needs you in the same way.
 Chapter 8
Common Communication Blockers And
How To Avoid Them
Let’s recap. To become a respectful emotional anthropologist and to begin learning the
skills of artful translation, you have learned to:

• Approach your partner with a respectful anthropological

inquiry

• Begin with an open mind

• Lean into critique

• Create the best time to share your feelings and thoughts

Once you have mastered the skills of effective, meaningful,

and productive communication, you’ll be ready to learn some of the common pitfalls that
couples may fall into that prevent those genuine connections from taking place.

Remember, our interactions with your partner – including conflict – are gifts to help us
better understand ourselves and them. We can use them to heroically transform and
break free of programmed patterns and responses, becoming more of the person we want
to be.

In this chapter, I’ll outline the common issues that both keep couples from connecting and
thwart personal transformation. Being aware of what they are will help you to navigate the
tricky situations that are likely to come up in any intimate relationship. As you read them,
look inward and be honest with yourself – see if you are making any of these mistakes,
and commit to different, more effective approaches.

Communication Blocker #1: Unsolicited Preaching Or Advice

If you want to bring your communication to a grinding halt, try top-down teaching,
philosophical preaching, or giving unsolicited advice.

Giving un-asked-for direction is okay when you’re responsible to guide a child, but it can
be easily perceived by adult partners as a patronizing way to control how they should live,
think, and behave. If you consistently try to tell your partners how they don’t measure up
to your standards, to run their lives or how to behave in the relationship, they’re probably
going to feel resentful, rebellious, defensive, and uncooperative.

It’s also important to recognize that your partner’s strong need to control you may be his
or her way of showing concern. Partners who feel the urgency to guide their significant
others through life aren’t always trying to be controlling for its own sake. They may just be
worried about you and feel a pressing urge to fix your problem so that you’ll feel better.
Or they fear that harm or disappointment will come to you if they don’t intervene in time.
It may seem too close to parenting but can just be a style that shouldn’t automatically be
seen as bad.

Unfortunately, though, the need to control is sometimes the actual issue at hand. People
who are into controlling others as their own need are not content unless they are in
charge.

If you try, “no, thank you,” at the other end of unsolicited advice, you can usually separate
out the true helpers from the meddlers. When you tell them that you appreciate their
willingness to help but are okay without their input, helpers back down. Meddlers, on the
other hand, are regenerated by your reticence and excited to regroup and try again with
renewed energy and purpose.

Is It Ever Okay To Give Unsolicited Advice?

There are times when the offering of advice can be appropriate, even when your partner
hasn’t asked for it. For instance, you have information that may help your partner expedite
a decision, or you are trying to keep an error from occurring that he or she may not see
coming. Or, you may be a mutually recognized “expert” in a particular area, like social set-
ups, or analyzing what may be wrong with the car, or fending off unwanted solicitors.

Though your motives may be totally generous and well-intended, you need to be prepared
for an unwelcome or challenging response if your partner feels that you are intruding or
controlling without invitation. So, even if you feel your advice is appropriate and valuable,
your partner may need to turn it away. If he or she politely responds with, “Thanks, but...”
your comments are probably not aptly timed, well delivered, or you may be on the end of
someone who can’t take advice even if it’s accurate.

Be especially aware if your tone of voice is sarcastic, irritated, or implies superiority. Those
presentations can destroy any hope that your partner will look forward to hearing from you,
no matter how clever or timely your ideas may be.

He or she may, depending on the mood at hand, politely try to dissuade you by explaining
how the offered lessons won’t work in this particular case, ignore you, snap back with an
equally cantankerous attitude, or invalidate the advice as irrelevant. If you’re not ready
to lean into that response and back off with graciousness, you might find yourself turning
your advice into attack.

If you are a chronic “fixer,” a “happy meddler,” a “dogmatic preacher,” or even a genuine
and sought after “helper,” you’ll communicate more effectively if you simply ask the
question first:

“I think I can help you. Would you like some advice?”

On the other end of that kind of inquiry, most people are appreciative and sometimes
will listen to what you have to offer. However, if you do actually get to participate in the
decision process, you’re not allowed to expect them to follow your advice, no matter how
brilliant your solution may be.

Communication Blocker #2: Wipeout Statements – Words That Scar

Wipeout statements are simple but reliable communication stoppers. When couples
have worked hard to translate each other’s worlds accurately, these kinds of statements
should not be allowed to sabotage a great communication. They usually have the words
“never,” “ever,” or “always” in them, or any other kind of absolute word. They are phrases
which are not only ineffective, but can devalue or invalidate your partner’s sense of worth,
especially when they are presented as a potential threat:

“I’m out of here and I’m never coming back.”

“You’re so stupid. Aren’t you ever going to think before you talk?”

“You don’t get it, and you never will.”

“I can’t take this for another minute.”

“I want a divorce.”

“Don’t ever call me again.”

“I hate you.”

“You’re just as mean as your father ever was.”

If your partner takes you literally when you irresponsibly throw out wipeout statements,
you may leave an irreversible scar. If you are speaking in the heat of a conversation, it is
easy to make statements you believe in the moment, but later feel differently about. Don’t
assume that your partner will ignore or forgive your wipeouts, especially if they are repeat
offenders. What may be an empty threat to one partner can be a deadly insult to another,
and not easy to forget.

How To Avoid The Pain Of Wipeout Statements

Be vigilant about avoiding the wipeout words “never,” “always,” and “ever.” Many wipe-out
statements like these are inherited unconsciously from childhood teachings. When adult
partners bring those words or phrases into their conflicts, the other partner may take them
personally in ways they were never intended.
Other wipeout words or phrases can be extreme to make a point but not meant to hurt as
much as they might. Always choose a more neutral word as a beginning communication
to allow your partner room to breathe.

Here is an example:

Missy: “You are always so mean to me when we fight. You’re vicious and brutal. I can’t
believe you love me when you talk to me that way. And then, you always say you’re sorry,
but it’s too late.”

Karl: “Vicious? Brutal? What am I, some kind of serial killer? Do I beat you, for God’s
sake? What right do you have to use those words? You keep using those character
assassinations, babe, and I’m out of here for sure. You’d better be just a little bit more
careful with your mouth.”

Look at the vocabulary first. Vicious implies someone who is monstrous and violent, rotten
to the core and merciless. What if he had been angry and threatening to her, whatever he
said?

She could say something like this instead:

“When we fight, you sometimes are really hurtful. You say things that make me feel like you
hate me, and just want me to feel terrible. It’s like I’m suddenly your enemy and you have
to win at any cost. I look at your face and you look like you wish I wasn’t in your life. Even
after you say you’re sorry, I can’t stop hearing your angry tone of voice and the meanness
in your eyes.”

Anytime one partner talks or behaves in such a way that the other feels like he or she has
nothing valuable to offer the relationship, it is hard for quality caring later on to make a
difference, especially if it becomes a pattern.

If you are the partner who uses wipe-out or extreme words or phrases when you’re upset,
and regret saying them later, try to practice the following steps to help you change that
behavior.

1. Ask yourself if those were words or phrases you heard as a child expressed between
the adults in your lives, or directly to you. Try to remember how it felt to be on the other
end.

2. Find the place in your body where those words or phrases come from and how that part
of you feels when you are saying them.

3. When you begin to get worked up and know you might repeat past, hurtful words or
behaviors, consciously tell your partner you need a few moments to calm down so that
you don’t say something you’ll regret.

4. Share with your partner the words or phrases you might have used, but don’t want to
anymore. Just admitting them to yourself and to your partner will help you recognize them.

5. Tell your partner what you were feeling before you use those words or phrases, what
you wanted him or her to feel, and what other feelings lie beneath them.

If your partner can try to use neutralizing techniques and not become defensive if you
begin to repeat your patterns, that will help you.

Often, my couples will create a diffusing pattern that both of them have agreed to listen
to when they are afraid of things getting out of hand. They can create a neutral statement
like, “We’re beginning to slip, and I don’t want this to get out of hand. Let’s take a few
minutes and just quiet down, then try to resolve this in a less hurtful way.” Sometimes they
can even agree to just hug for a minute, say a few words of encouragement and caring,
and then move forward.

Communication Blocker #3: Disconnections – The Intimacy Thwarter

Disconnections are similar to wipeout statements, but harder to identify. They happen
when one partner attempts to connect emotionally and create intimacy, while the other –
sometimes unconsciously – tries to maintain control of the distance between them. The
person on the other end of a disconnect feels frustrated and dismissed emotionally.

Here’s an example of how disconnects can happen:

Imagine a man walking on the beach with a new date. It seems like things are going well
and there’s an opportunity to create a shared experience that may bring her a little closer.
He says something that intends to share a poetic or meaningful thought or feeling, to
connect around an experience that could be mutual:

“Look at how beautiful the moon is on the water.”

He anticipates that she’ll say something like:

“You’re so right. It’s absolutely stunning. I’ve always been affected by natural beauty,
especially at night. I don’t know many men who have that kind of appreciation. Have you
always felt that way?.”

That would be an invitation to share a lovely moment and to deepen it, but what comes
back instead is:

“How can you even focus on the beauty with this terrible littering all around us? Isn’t it
disgusting how people throw trash and beer bottles everywhere? It just ruins the whole
scene, doesn’t it?”

Trying hard one more time to overcome the disconnecting barrier she just erected, he
mentally switches to her side and tries again for a way to connect from her point of view:
“Yeah, I guess I agree with you. I wish people were more considerate. I care about the
environment, too. It’s upsetting that some people are so careless. I guess I just try to see
what is still nice to look at.”

Maybe she’ll feel a little closer now that he’s validating her feelings. He’s certain he’s got it
down this time and that he’ll be successful in feeling something mutual they can both care
about.

His hope is that she’ll get his intent to try to connect and answer with something like:

“You’re concerned the same way I am about the environment. I really like that. Are you
involved in anything that helps protect it?”

But, no. She still is dancing away from any mutual experience where a real connection can
be made, and responds instead with another diversion:

“Sometimes I prefer walking during the day, when I can catch people throwing stuff around.
Then I can do something about it, and I do. It’s harder to catch people at night. But I’m
always watching. Someone has to challenge these irresponsible jerks. It makes a lot of
work for the good people who actually care.”

The possibility of a vulnerable, mutual connection is slipping rapidly away. Hopelessly

idealistic, he tries one more time to move over to this new expression hoping for some
kind of closeness, but he’s definitely losing heart:

“You are really concerned about getting people to be more conscientious. It seems like a
big job, especially during the day when there are more people around. I spend a lot of time
in the water when I’m here during the day. It’s really a blessing to be so close to the ocean.”

She doesn’t answer. Frustrated, he decides to just tell her more about what is important to
him, whether she disconnects or not:

“I just enjoy the beauty without worrying about problems. There are so many good people
who don’t mess things up. I guess I’d rather focus on them and my appreciation that they
care.”

It’s almost not important what her answer is at this point, but he’s pretty sure she’ll find a
way to disconnect again, so he’s not surprised at the next comment:

“Well, maybe you’re right. But there are obviously more jerks than good people, or we
wouldn’t have this mess. I don’t think we can be too relaxed about these kinds of things. I
just can’t enjoy myself when someone has to be vigilant.”

Silence fills the air and the attempt at intimate connection is over.

The person doing the disconnecting in this scenario is fooling herself if she thinks that
she’s looking for intimacy or a sharing of positive and mutual influence. Each time he tries
to get a little closer by offering a comment that he is sure they could agree on, she deftly
moves out of range. Whether it was just poor social skills or she disconnects to protect
herself, the effect is the same – he feels as if she’s pushing him away. Gradually, he’ll curb
his attempts to engage her, and the distance will grow between them.
 Chapter 9
Defensive Reactions – Our Secret Buttons
Sometimes, the negative “mirrors” we see reflected in others are unexpected and catch
us unprepared, especially if they come from someone
whose opinion really matters. When we look into the eyes
of someone and feel invalidated or criticized, it is natural
to feel defensive. We want to smash the image because it
hurts or makes us angry.

Defensive reactions are the most common way that we use

to obliterate the image in the mirror. We want to invalidate
that person’s negative opinion of us, especially if it is painful
and important that person feels positive toward us.

Defensiveness, no matter what form it may take, is one of the potential destroyers of
quality communication. The moment anyone feels defensive, he or she cannot listen to
whatever is being said by the other. The need to stop the discomfort of being perceived
as inadequate, disappointing, or in trouble, ends discovery. Instead of leaning into
critique, we want to make it stop.

Defensiveness is such a pervasive problem when couples communicate, that it demands

a separate chapter. Here, we’ll discuss the common ways partners become defensive
with each other, explore how you could be triggering a defensive response in your
partner, and outline strategies for keeping defensiveness at bay.

The Three Most Common Types Of Defensive Response

Even though becoming defensive on the other end of being challenged is the most
common response for all of us, couples can learn the skills to recognize defensive
reactions in themselves and their partners and to neutralize them. It also helps when you
know yourself well, are able to evaluate the validity of the accusations, and are not afraid
of being told that something may be wrong with you.

If you can recognize when you or your partner is being defensive, you can adopt a different
response and turn things around to reopen the possibilities of understanding and staying
comrades in the process. Below are the three most common styles of defense. In each
scenario, Partner A has a complaint. Partner B becomes defensive, then Partner A
neutralizes the original challenge:

1. Defensiveness expressed as excuse making

The goal of using excuses is to convince your partner you were unable to act in any
other way than you did. If he or she could “just understand,” if there were just the right
mitigating circumstances, or just the correct set of domino falls, then you wouldn’t have to
feel responsible for the result that your partner is upset about.

Partner A:

“You’re thirty minutes late again, honey. I’m really hungry and we lost our reservation. I
don’t know why you keep doing this. It’s really annoying.”

Partner B:

“I left in plenty of time but my sister called with an emergency and I had to pull off the
freeway. I just couldn’t turn her away when she was crying. Wouldn’t you have wanted me
to? You like my sister and you always take the time to help her when she asks you, so why
wouldn’t I?

Partner A:

“I know you’re a caring person, sweetheart, and you love her. Of course I want you to help
her. I just feel sometimes that I come last and I just want you to know it. Please don’t be
defensive. I just want us to do this differently so you don’t feel attacked and I don’t feel so
neglected.”

2. Defensiveness by reversing blame

This is the “best defense is an offense maxim.” Just remind your partner of some other
time when he or she did something similar to what you’re doing. Or make them admit that
your defense is exactly what they might do were the situation reversed. If you use this kind
of defense to derail your partner’s position, he or she will have to start defending ‘’what’s
been done at some other time,” and the original criticism aimed at you might be defused.

Partner A:

“I really need you to get those calls made that I asked you to. Why do you say you’re going
to do something and then don’t deliver? You’re driving me crazy.”

Partner B:

“You don’t always do exactly what you agree to, either. It seems a little obnoxious to me
that you think you have the right to criticize me for exactly what you do.”

Partner A:

“You know, you’re right, but there are two issues on the table here now: my distress with
your breaking your agreement today and your correct accusation that I have disappointed
you at other times. I think we need to deal with both issues, whichever you want to first. I
want to get this resolved between us.”

3. Defensiveness by quoting any exception to the current situation

People often express long-term frustrations or injustices in extreme, accusatory terms.
This type of defensiveness is the most commonly used. It is sometimes phrased as a
direct challenge, sometimes as an accusation placed as a question.

Partner A:

“You never want to listen to me when I’m hurting.”

“Why do you always forget to take out the trash?”

“Are you ever going to lose weight?”

“You’re always so rude to my mother.”

It’s natural to want to fight back when your partner wipes you out as a “never”, “ever”,
or “always” performer, but as soon as he or she uses an absolute, it’s relatively easy
to respond effectively by coming up with just one or two exceptions to the rule. In this
form of defense, you only have to come up with one single exception to any absolute
statement, and you’ve successfully defended yourself.

But, just because your partner is exaggerating for effect or so frustrated that they can’t
remember your innocent times, that doesn’t mean that their statement about your behavior
is untrue most of the time. He or she may just be really fed up with the situation, and not
able to report accurate percentages. If you invalidate their legitimate distress by pointing
out exceptions to their accusation, they’re likely to get embarrassed first, then hurt, and
then angrier.

Partner B:

“Never? Always? Come on. What about last week when you bitched about your job for an
hour and I just listened to you? When I do lose weight, you never notice. And I just sent
your wacky mother roses for her birthday. You’re out of line.”

Partner A:

“Come on, sweetheart. You may be right, even a lot of the time, but please don’t tell
me that I never listen to you. I imagine there are enough times when this would be a
reasonable complaint but not as often as you’re stating. If you can drop the absolutes, I’d
be happy to listen and try to make this better.”

How You Could Be Triggering Defensiveness In Your Partner

When people ask their partners “why,” they are most often disguising an accusation
by presenting it as a question. The inquiry is not a genuine request for unknown
information, but rather a need to challenge their partner’s position without the appearance
of confrontation. The partner responding to a “why” question, sensing the underlying
accusation, usually responds with “because,” followed by justified excuses or reversing
the blame.

Here are some examples of disguised accusations formed as questions, and their hidden
accusations:

“Why don’t you ever do what I ask you to?”

(You don’t really care what I want or need.)

“Why weren’t you home sooner?”

(I don’t like it when you stay at work so late.)

“Why do you think you drink so much?”

You drink too much.

“Why aren’t you more available to our relationship?”

(I don’t think our relationship is a high priority for you any more.)

“Why are you eating that – I thought you were on a diet?”

(I’m really disappointed that you broke your diet again. Your flabby body isn’t appealing to
me.)

“Why can’t you understand what I’m saying?”

(If you really loved me, you’d try to listen better. You only care what you’re thinking about.)

“Why do you accept other people’s opinions and not mine?”

(I think you don’t respect anything I say to you. I’m sick of your invalidation.)

The purpose of a defensive response is to invalidate the underlying message. The

problem is that the person being challenged usually deals with the camouflaging
message and becomes quickly mired, never dealing directly with what is underneath.

Partner A using “why” as an accusation posed as a question:

“Why do you try to tell me how to do something I already know how to do?

Partner A’s underlying accusation:

“You think you’re so much smarter and more capable than I am. You never give me credit
for all the great things I do. I hate it that you think I’m so inept.”

Partner B’s defense to the posed question:

“Because I’m just trying to help you do things in a more efficient way. I know that when
you’re tired, you tend to make mistakes and then you’re hard on yourself later on. You just
don’t understand that I mean well and won’t listen, even when it’s in your best interests.”

Partner B’s underlying defense to the actual accusation:

“I feel terrible when you don’t recognize how effective and efficient I am. You never
compliment me on the great things I do, just constantly point out when I seem less than I
am. I feel like I have to prove myself to you over and over again.”

You can see how responding to the underlying accusation is more likely to get this partner
to think about what he or she is actually saying, yet this rarely happens. To guard against
this all too common heartbreak in communication, it is best to leave that “why” word out of
all intimate interactions unless you really are asking a legitimate question.

A true question of inquiry would sound more like, “Why did your golf buddy cancel
the game today – is he sick?” That question feels more like compassionate inquiry. In
personal relationships, not many “why” questions are genuine requests for information.

Phrasing Questions That Get Real Answers

In order for a couple to escape the negative “why-because” trap, they both have to see
each other as welcome receptors for evaluation and change. That takes a lot of trust,
competence, and maturity.

Couples who have mastered the steps to create a great relationship know how to ask
questions that do not solicit defensive responses and to separate them out from accusatory
statements that have an entirely different meaning. They usually begin with “what” or “how”
or “I’d like to know…”, Rarely do they ever begin with “why.”

For example:

“What do you think is hurting you?”

“Would you like to talk that over with me?”

“How can we talk about this without your being worried?”

“Can you tell me more about what you were saying?”

“What do you need to know? I’m open to share whatever will help.

If you understand how your partner truly thinks, feels, and sees the world, you can phrase
a legitimate question in a way that is a truly compassionate search for truth, not one that
triggers defensiveness or makes your partner feel threatened.

Even when a critique is necessary, you won’t find yourself sliding into martyrdom or
gathering resentments for future attack. Both you and your partner will consider any
requests or desires as legitimate, even though you may not agree with them. To know that
you can tell your partner anything that is bothering you without expecting to be told that
your observations are unreasonable or invalid, is a gift in any relationship.

Honoring Your Partner’s Experience And Taking Responsibility For Your

Own Actions

Even in wonderful relationships, partners are capable of hurting or angering each other,
accidentally or intentionally. If you partner tells you that he or she is offended, wounded,
or angry with something you’ve said or done, don’t respond with an excuse meant to
invalidate the distress call. “Hey, look, I’m sorry I upset you but I had good reasons for
reacting the way I did.”

That is tantamount to telling your partner that the unhappiness felt is not valid.

If you can keep from trying to make your behavior okay in your partner’s eyes when they
are obviously not okay, it will help heal the wound you’ve caused. Proving that you’re right
is not only an unkind path to take, but is likely to get an unproductive response.

When you do hurt or anger someone you love, don’t try to escape your own accountability,
even if you feel your partner isn’t seeing it correctly or may be over-reacting at the time.

It doesn’t matter why you did it or what reasonableness was behind your actions. Only
the person feeling the disappointment or sadness can define what is true for them. That
feeling can not, nor should not, be explained away by your need to escape blame by
excusing what you’ve done.

In a quality relationship, you are responsible for your contribution to the problem no
matter what the backstory is. Your willingness to acknowledge that will help your partner
feel cared about. Once you’ve given them the sanity of being acknowledged, you can
then share whatever feelings you may have that are different. Your humility, generosity,
and self-confidence in leaning into critique without having to defend or deny will model
a behavior that is at the core of a quality interaction, and your partner is more likely to
reciprocate.
 Chapter 10
Using Conflict As A Springboard For Deeper
Intimacy
Merging two lives is never blissfully, conflict-free, and should never be. There will be
moments when everything seems to flow, and other times
when you will not see eye to eye. Conflict creates the
challenge to see things in a new way, to break old patterns
and to master innovative solutions.

Getting beyond conflicts is about giving up the need to

keep score. When partners keep a tally on how often which
partner is right or wrong, they are saving up “get-even”
points. They’ll keep a record of the number of times they
were cheated to prove their point, or to control their partner
by intimidation or guilt. They may succeed in placing the blame outside themselves in the
short run, but they won’t end up protecting and increasing the quality of their intimacy.

In great relationships, the emphasis is not on failure or the assignment of blame, but on
what was learned from the conflict and how to prevent it from happening again. Despite the
pain, sorrow, or anger that a painful action may have created, both partners are genuinely
saddened by having allowed that behavior to harm the relationship in the first place
and less concerned about who may have caused it. They are eager to start over with
their newly acquired understanding, and look forward to a better outcome the next time.
Solution and resolution are the goals.

That kind of positive commitment to healing and regeneration is more often demonstrated
in other areas of life. Professional sports teams, businesses, and military battles are
routinely debriefed after an encounter, not to assign blame, but to go over the history of
that event in an atmosphere of objectivity and mutual support for a better outcome the
next time around. Why that process is not automatic in most intimate relationships is a
sorrowful situation.

People in great relationships understand those simple and profound truths: both partners
are on the same team. They understand and practice the philosophy that every conflict is
an opportunity to do better next time. Both see their relationship as a constantly emerging,
life-long goal. What you or your partner did, where you’ve been, who is wrong or right, are
not as important as what is possible and how to get there. The absolute, constant joy, and
appreciation of another chance to do it right is the indisputable goal.

In this chapter, you’ll learn a step-by-step approach to conflict resolution where the goal is
a win-win for you and your partner.

How To Have a Relationship Conflict Debrief

You’ve just had an argument and both of you realize that it wasn’t the first time. You’re
filled with righteous justification, loneliness, remorse, and don’t know how to reconnect.
What’s more, you’re not done fighting for your perspective. You haven’t found any new
ground or accomplished a successful compromise, but you didn’t know what else to do in
the heat of the moment. You still love each other deeply and are motivated to learn a new
way to resolve conflicts in the future.

Step 1: Settling down and reflecting separately

Your emotions flare during any intimate conflict, especially when both of you are torn
between getting what you want and denying your partner, or giving in and feeling
resentful. Also, as conflicts heat up, still-lingering childhood experiences are likely to
emerge, bringing with them raw emotions that may not have anything to do with the
current situation. As your fears escalate, you will also be less able to hear each other’s
distress.

When your fight has resulted in your seeing each other as emotional enemies, it is always
better to separate for a while and take some time to self-reflect. Not having to directly
face the intensity of the frustrating conflict, you will be more able to explore what your
motivations and intentions were in the heat of your anger. That awareness will help you
become more conscious of the part you played and why.

During each of your personal reflections, write down the answers to the following
questions. You will share these reflections with each other when you come back together.

• When I began the disagreement, what was my goal?

• Would that short-term goal conflict with my long-term one?

• Did I take into consideration what my partner might have wanted that could have
conflicted with my desires?

• During the conflict, what did I do or say that took me closer or farther away from
what I wanted to happen?

• Was I clear with my partner as to what I was seeking?

• Have we fought about this before? If so, what was the outcome and could we have
predicted it?

• Was I really fighting for what I said I wanted, or was there something deeper that I
didn’t recognize or was afraid to say?
 • Do I recall seeing these patterns in my home when I was a child, and am I playing
any of those parts I witnessed?

• Has there been anything I’ve done differently in the past that was more successful?

• What do I now believe my partner wanted from me during our conflict?

• What do I think my partner is feeling now about the conflict?

• What can I do to help both of us heal in the moment?

Step 2: Set up the debriefing environment

When both of you feel you have looked inward at your own accountability, you are ready
to come together to debrief your conflict. To be effective, you will need to create a quiet,
uninterrupted place with open-ended time.

Enter that vulnerable arena with mutual respect, ready to learn from each other. It is
common for couples to want that goal, but, once into the process, they can easily forget
their debriefing intent and return to re-hashing. As much as possible, maintain a rational,
loving, and objective experience. But if either of you again begin to escalate into an
argument, separate again and repeat Step One.

Only come together when you have created the emotional and physical space that can
result in resolution, instead of falling back into the pain you had hopefully left behind.

Step 3: Sharing your personal answers with each other

This part of your debriefing plan is where many intimate partners become defensive and
cannot listen well. To do this next step effectively, you must mutually promise to stay open
to each other’s feelings and thoughts. If either of you begins to feel threatened, you might
rush to defend your behavior or try to invalidate your partner’s position. That is a natural
response to facing a potential loss.

If you are feeling derailed, tell your partner that you are reacting in a counter-productive
way and need to be still for a little while.

Many intimate partners, faced with that challenge, try to erase or minimize what they are
hearing. If each of you have reflected on your own accountability and are ready to hear the
other, you will avoid blaming and keep your focus on rebuilding trust.

It may help to take notes while you are listening so you can more easily remember. That
will also help you not to interrupt your partner’s train of thought. You can agree to either
share your responses after each question or when all the answers are shared.

At the end of this process, you should have a much better idea of what both of you were
searching for during your conflict, and what barriers may have kept you from realizing
those goals. Understanding what challenges kept you from staying supportive will help
you see more innovative options the next time around.

Step 4: Re-assessing the conflict

With your new information about each other’s internal process, ask the following questions
of each other together and share your feelings and ideas.

Again, do everything you can to stay supportive and willing to hear the other person’s
experience. Stay in the mode of dedicated team members searching for ways to improve
your next challenge.

• What did we learn about each other from our sharing?

• What parts of the conflict seemed okay?

• What could we have done better, given what we know now?

• Have we discovered any deeper issues in either of us that were driving our conflict?

• Was this conflict familiar? Have we argued about this before?

• What seemed to be the barriers that kept us from finding solutions rather than
fighting?

Step 5: The debriefing plan

When intimate partners become frightened of being denied their choices and feel the
need to control or be controlled, their conflict can escalate rapidly.

If that happens, it is particularly important that they recognize the intensity of their
emotions and de-escalate by quieting their reactivity and reflecting separately, as
recommended in Step One. When couples can catch those responses early, they can not
only stop a frustrating, non-productive process, they can even agree to hug each other
closely before they retreat. That show of faith sets the scene for when they reconnect.

There are also times in every relationship when one partner just feels lousy for any number
of reasons and is looking for a fight to take out his or her inner frustrations. That is one
of the assets and liabilities of intimate relationships: the expectation that the ones we
love the most will ultimately forgive us when we take out our internal distresses on them.
However, it is important to recognize that an understanding partner response is not always
an unconditional guarantee of support. No one can be the object of external irritations
repeatedly, and caring partners don’t take advantage.

As we discussed earlier in this book, the partners may be employing repeated conflicts
to express the only passion they can still feel in the relationship. If a couple has lost their
ability to share those feelings in a loving way, they can, sadly, resort to fighting as a way to
connect when other options are gone.

Because of the multitude of emotional, physical, environmental, and historical variables

that can lead up to a conflict, most couples don’t have a ready understanding of why they
fight, especially in repeated, unproductive skirmishes.

The beauty of mastering debriefing skills is their ability to facilitate conflict resolution even
when intimate partners are not sure what issues have caused their disagreements. If
needed, the partners in an intimate relationship must be willing to create, and practice,
their debriefing plan many times, and reframe it as their skills improve. The plan for
debriefing requires that both partners genuinely want innovative solutions that replace
their prior non-resolution outcomes.

Step 6: Putting Your Debriefing Plan into Effect

The most successful way to put your plan into action is to replay the last disagreement
from your new perspective. Go through the previous conflict slowly and intentionally.
Take notes along the way if it is helpful, so your next debriefing plan will incorporate
the changes you’re making. Take your time and make sure you stay calm, caring, and
supportive. If you can inject some light-heartedness into the process, you’ll do even
better.

The following tips will help:

• Agree to not take things personally, and transform complaints from the past into
requests for the present and future.

• Try hard to stay alert to your level of reactiveness.

• Avoid comments that you know will put your partner on the defensive. For example,
negative judgments, invalidations, accusations, or hurtful challenges.

• If you feel the urge to do so, tell your partner what you are feeling, rather than
say what you might have said. Let him or her know how much you appreciate any
positive responses they give you.

Many couples like replaying the past argument by switching roles. Each partner plays the
other’s role including body language, voice intonation, and facial expression. They are
careful to represent the other without resorting to mockery or sarcasm. Some ambitious
conflict-resolution partners people actually try to play the other’s role as they wished it had
been portrayed, rather than how it was in actuality.

After mastering your debriefing plan, you are hopefully more ready to recognize your
conflicts before they become too big to handle. Staying on the same team, you’ll be less
likely to feel separate from your partner’s distress and want to help each other towards
your common goal.

Debriefing gets easier and more successful as you practice it. Even if you forget to do
the process exactly right, don’t worry about it. You want to be able to look forward to the
process of resolution even as you begin your next conflict.
Effective Communication Is Truly The Art of Translation And The Portal
of Emotional Anthropology

No matter how well you have mastered your own language, no matter how genuinely you
love and want to be loved in return, no matter how much you want to understand and be
understood, you cannot achieve true intimacy without fully knowing how your partner is
experiencing you.

Taking the time to learn the skills and commit to the process as a life-long journey will take
you there together. The following sacred tenets will keep you on your path:

• Hold off on your judgments until you have sufficient information to keep them from
becoming condemnations.

• Honor and respect what prior vulnerabilities your partner has shared with you.
If you do, he or she will share more. If you bring up those sacred offerings in a
pejorative way in a fight, you will sully that altar place forever.

• Time your need for connection well, so that your partner won’t mistake inquiry for
intrusion.

• Avoid sounding superior by preaching and directing, so that you won’t set off
defensiveness or push someone away.

• Listen deeply and accurately, and expect the same. You’ll reach more important
and accurate conclusions.

• Live in the heart and mind of the person you love.

These are the skills of an expert communicator. Every relationship I have witnessed has
markedly improved when both partners have made a genuine effort to treat their partners
with this kind of profound kindness and respect.

Even though they may not always see life in exactly the same way, they truly want to
embrace and support their loved one’s faith, beliefs, and values.

Authentic and accurate communication can be an exquisite experience. To maintain our

commitment to stay on this complicated but rewarding path, imagine what life would be like
without the person we love.

The way we communicate “hello, again,” and “goodbye, perhaps forever,” teaches us to
remember that nothing is guaranteed, and this one moment, this only encounter, could be
our last.

So many people, facing an unexpected tragic loss of the one they love, desperately wish
that they could have just one more chance to say what is important and cannot be heard
again. When you have mastered the capacity to accurately translate your hearts and souls
into each other’s language, you can, at least, know that your loved one always had access
to the most sacred parts of you, and you to theirs.
 Key 4

Heroic Love Recommits Regularly…

And Tastes All The Sweeter For It

Heroes know their strengths, but they are also open and willing to understand their
vulnerabilities and weaknesses. They know that love is fragile and must be continually
reborn.

Being in a heroic relationship requires that both you and your partner never take each
other for granted. Ongoing commitment to keeping your relationship strong is crucial.
When you make that sacred promise to each other, your trust will deepen. And both of you
can relax into the security of knowing that even though you’re each growing and evolving,
your commitment to each other is the place where you are home and where you know you
are loved.

In this key, you’ll learn how to establish and identify the loving connections that form the
foundation of your relationship. When you reach back and relive those beautiful, nostalgic
memories together, you remind each other of the core of your love and attraction to each
other. Those memories, brought back to the present, will help you during the inevitable
ups and downs of any long-term relationship.

I’ll also outline some of the warning signs to look out for that can harm relationship
longevity, so that you have the best chance of not only weathering any stormy weather
that may come your way, but emerging even more connected and passionate about each
other once they pass.
 Chapter 11
Your Sweet Spots:
Where Your Relationship Blooms
As we’ve noted in previous chapters, conflict is inevitable in intimate relationships. And in
the heat of conflict, it is all too easy to develop tunnel vision
about the issue at hand. Before you know it, you’ve lost
perspective, forgetting that the present disruption is only
part of the relationship as a whole. When that happens, we
need to remember how to widen the lens.

Remembering the moments when you felt most deeply

accepted, loved, and secure can help you to regain your
perspective. I call those magical moments “sweet spots.”
They are the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual
places where your connection with your partner feels natural and easy. In those moments,
you know that you don’t want to be with anyone else, anywhere, or any other place in time.

The early days of romance can provide a well of information – and a solid foundation –
for a couple’s future. When you first got together, sweet spots were spontaneous. As
you were falling in love, you were constantly learning new things about each other and
connecting in different ways.

Once you get into more of a “rhythm” together, you must consciously and intentionally
bring those moments back. Each time you share new special experiences, you fill the
“sparkle box” where you keep the magic that regenerates your love, creating automatic
healing havens whenever you need them.

Sweet Spots In Action For Real Couples

When my couples practice regenerating their initial sweet spots and intentionally
continuing to create new ones, they joyfully report their ongoing discovery process.

For instance, early in their relationship, they found out that they both love a musician that
hardly anyone else had ever heard of. Or that she liked her teriyaki sauce on the side, just
as he does. Maybe he cares deeply about his nieces and nephews and hers are central to
her life, but because they all live far away, they never shared those feelings of attachment
before.

What if both are yoga aficionados and never knew it? Or have always wondered what it
would be like to parasail but have never gotten around to it? He loves old movies. Her
favorite. She yearns for green tea ice cream, and he once drove for miles and miles on a
rainy night alone, just to find some.

Once those early sweet spots are discovered, the couple has the capacity to continue
finding others as their relationship matures. They might begin to dream about alternate
futures, work together on a project, or write poetry together. One couple I knew
discovered they could always find each other again when they planted their spring
garden, regenerating their love by the Earth’s welcome. Another successful couple
created a special altar place in their apartment where they would go for spiritual
regeneration when they had been fighting about something painful. Kneeling together in
prayer kept them focusing on something greater than each other, and that perspective
would bring them together again.

A Recipe For Relationship Regeneration

When couples are aware and willing to intentionally keep their regeneration going,
these magical discoveries keep happening. As they spend more time together, those
experiences continue to reinforce the sacred places of spontaneous comfort and seal
their commitment to each other.

In successful, long-term relationships, both partners know what their sweet spots are, and
spontaneously head for them when problems threaten. When conflict ensues and stress
levels become high, they learn to re-focus on the positive aspects of the relationship –
finding comfort in the areas that come easily to them.

The more of these healing places there are in a relationship, the more options they have
for regeneration. In those designated emotional altar places, both partners can count on
their heartaches diminishing and their hopes restored.

Your sweet spots will most likely reshape and rebuild themselves many times during your
relationship, but they must always be held in mutual reverence. They are the places where
love spontaneously began and can be rekindled. They must be protected and savored as
the relationship’s emotional treasures.

Exercise: Identifying Your Sweet Spots

Take a few moments now with your partner and each make a list of the treasured moments
you felt when you were first together.

You can remember a special event, a time when you felt vulnerable and safe, or
something one of you did that charged the moment with an air of something unique and
amazing. Maybe it will be a time when you just felt like the luckiest person in the world
to be with your partner, or even when he or she was in trouble and you could make the
difference. Whatever you choose to write down, make sure that it was a moment that you
had not felt before with someone else in exactly the same way.

Now, share your lists with each other out loud. Embellish them if you need to as you share
them verbally. Ask your partner if he or she remembers the event and how it felt.

Then do the same exercise with the sweet spots you’ve discovered as your relationship
matured. As you share those, you might begin to uncover even more.

As you’ll see in the next chapter, you will want to arm yourself with your sweet spots so
that, if common relationship problems arise, you will be able to “widen the lens” and gain
the perspective you both need to overcome any setbacks.
 Chapter 12
Potential Relationship Pitfalls And How To
Avoid Them
As a relationship grows in depth and commitment, certain common problems may arise.
Most tend to be slow-growing rather than dramatic. We live
in a busy world, and many couples don’t realize they’re in
trouble until they are well into a problem area.

It is much more difficult to undue damage than it would have

been to prevent it from happening.

If you are currently single, you will give yourself a

tremendous advantage if you are able to identify issues
early on when you are building a relationship. This will help
prevent any unnecessary scarring.

And if you’re already with a partner, commit to being vigilant of any potential relationship
pitfalls that can emerge so that you are always willing and ready to work together. You are,
essentially, heroically arming yourself to defend your sacred union. If you’re aware of any
issues early on, you can take the steps to keep these derailments from undermining the
sweet spots you’ve created together. Look deeply at any recurring patterns you have now
so that you can change them, using conflict as a bridge to bring you closer together rather
than further apart.

The four areas of possible, slow-building contamination for a relationship are:

1. Power Struggles

2. Toxic Buildup

3. Empty Soup Pots

4. Romantic Dysfunction

Let’s take each one by one:

1. Power Struggles: Fighting For One, Winning For None

Challenging each other can be a wonderfully interesting and fun part of a relationship, and
can reinvent the way partners see each other.

When both partners are playfully fencing, dodging and provoking, they can tease each
other into new places of understanding. When relationships are new, those kinds of
friendly debates are usually accompanied by mutual respect, great listening, and a love of
learning more about each other.

Sometimes though, they can tilt in the wrong direction. Because of many internal or
external reasons, one or both of the partners becomes offended or triggered by the
interaction into a painful place that was unexpected. The same interaction that was
healthy moments before can rapidly deteriorate into a power struggle. Now the partners
are no longer on the same team. Playfulness is gone and the need to win emerges.

Jockeying for positions of power is the antithesis of a loving support process. When the
couple is clear about the difference between a fun entanglement and a serious battle, they
can feel the difference when the emotional climate turns dark. It is crucial that they do not
continue with the subject at hand, but neutralize the conflict itself, and help each other to
recognize what the trigger was and why it created the reaction it did.

Power struggles can show up early in a relationship or stay masked until the partners feel
comfortable enough to challenge each other. A couple who continues to mutually expand
their realm of knowledge and awareness avoids engaging in disagreements that devolve
into serious power struggles. They know that winning a painful argument may feel more
powerful in the moment but does peripheral damage that can last for much longer.

Case Study: How Power Struggles Can Sneak Up On Us

Here’s an example of how a power struggle early in a new relationship can occur when
neither partner intended that interaction to happen. The italics are the actual words that
were used. The comment that follows is an explanation of what is more probably going on
beneath the surface:

“I loved that part in the movie where the kid found his mom, didn’t you?”

An attempt by the woman to share her emotional reaction, looking for empathy and
support.

“I knew you would. You’re so sweetly wacky when it comes to those soupy parts. I guess it
was okay for me, but I would like to have seen it happen after the kid found out why he was
with those other people. The tension ended too quickly for me. I like more suspense.”

So far, so good. The partners are both opening up a chance for a possibly interesting but
still friendly debate. They are talking about the way they see things differently, but not in
an attempt to erase the other partner’s experience.

“That would have totally spoiled it for me. I like more caring up front so I can relax and
enjoy it.”

She isn’t making room for her partner’s different feeling and is telling him that his way of
looking at it would not be pleasant to her. It’s not wrong for her to disagree, but she’s not
doing it in a supportive way.

“You really mean that? You’re really that sentimental? I thought you were just kidding. That
relationship between them was inconclusive and dumb coming at that time. It needed more
suspense, like maybe the mom almost dying before he found her. Really boring ending.”

He didn’t like what she said and the implication is that he is not caring enough. He is
starting to react more angrily. He was just presenting a more male point of view and
suddenly is feeling invalidated and manipulated. The atmosphere between them has
changed because of the sharpness of her reply and his reaction to it. Now she’s feeling
attacked because of her excess sentimentality.

“You’re not understanding me at all and you’re being so critical. Are you the kind of guy
that always has to say what’s more accurate or better than what I say? You hardly ever find
anything I say interesting or valuable.”

Wipeout. Now it’s gone from “this situation” to “always.” She’s going for the jugular
because that’s what she does when she feels attacked, and he hasn’t known that part
of her, yet. She is feeling that she will be erased if she doesn’t invalidate what she is
experiencing as his need to win at any cost.

“Hey, you told me you like a guy who is straight and tells his truth the way he sees it. Now
you tell me you can’t handle it. I’ll just keep my mouth shut next time. That’s what you really
want, isn’t it? Maybe we should just go to separate movies.”

Punitive. He knows how important it is to her for him to share his heart with her. Now he’s
withdrawing that privilege. He’s telling her that she doesn’t deserve the essence of him
because she can’t handle it and pulling the abandonment threat. He doesn’t feel or care
anymore about the way she needs him to understand her because he feels invalidated as
a man.

Their playful sparring has become a mean-spirited argument. Not likely that they’ll find
their way back to each other that night. What is important is not that they temporarily
lost each other, but that they each used that interaction as a way to win at the other’s
expense. Had they only listened more deeply at the beginning and explored each other’s
reasons for feeling the way they did, they might have ended up in a mutual expansion of
understanding.

Let’s play it again, as if they could have known how to neutralize a power struggle before it
gets going.

“I loved that part in the movie where the kid found his mom, didn’t you?”

An attempt to invite him to experience the same emotion she was to bring them closer.

“I knew you would. You’re so sweetly wacky when it comes to those soupy parts. I guess it
was okay for me, but I would like to have seen it occur after the kid found out why he was
with those other people. The tension ended too quickly for me. I like more suspense.”

So far, it’s still okay. The partners are both opening up a chance for a possibly interesting
but still friendly debate.

“I know. We’re so different that way. I’m always looking for happy endings or, at least, being
able to know sooner that it’ll be okay eventually. You have so much more tolerance for
tension than I do. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so emotional. How do you do that?”

The potential argument isn’t happening because she’s allowing for the differences,
interested in learning more, very willing to look at her own reactions, yet still secure in her
own position. She doesn’t feel threatened or invalidated in any way.

“Remember, I’m in the middle of five boys. You don’t show weakness in that kind of lineup.
When you grow up in a chaotic barrack, you learn to tolerate lots of insecurity. The bottom
line is something you need to know as soon as possible or you’re likely to end up losing
something. In some ways, I wish I’d had the opportunity to know what I really felt before
needing to fight.”

He’s starting to open up to her about his inner motivations and feelings, which is what
she wanted to begin with. It’s not about the movie anymore, but something deeper is
happening between them.

“I could use some of that toughness. My vulnerabilities sometimes make me want comfort
before I learn enough about what’s going on. I value your strength and rely on it so much
of the time.”

She’s making an opportunity for him to protect her. They are still openly discussing their
differences, but not ending up enemies.

“We’re a good team, sweetheart. You keep me feeling more deeply and I’ll make sure
you’re okay.”

Not all potentially negative battles can resolve so easily, but the intention to stay on an
even playing field goes a long way toward keeping the argument productive.

2. Toxic Buildup: The Slow Poison

New relationships have a large reservoir of healing energy at their disposal. The partners
within them have an easy acceptance of one another and are able to dismiss minimally
irritating behaviors.

The natural resilience and tendency for forgiveness is so abundant in the beginning of
new love that the accumulations of aggravating habits can catch a relationship unaware if
they hit a critical mass and suddenly seem unbearable.

A typical example is chronic lateness. Maybe your partner is only five or ten minutes
past your agreed upon meeting time, but she never makes it at the appointed time. Her
initial excuses seemed so valid, and the rest of the evenings were so enjoyable, that you
kept putting aside your irritation. But, after multiple repetitions, you are starting to feel
something very different. Whether she means to or not, her actions are making you feel
dismissed, disrespected, and resentful.

If you tell your partner that you’re feeling distressed about the situation, you’ll probably get
a reasonable apology and a temporary commitment to do better. But what if the behavior
continues after a brief hiatus? Now you begin to pay more attention. He is chronically late
everywhere. It’s likely that it has been problem in past relationships, but you thought it
would go away if you just told him how important it was to you. And, worse than you had
imagined, he’s not likely going to be able to do much about it.

All of us have flaws that can push the buttons of someone we love. When our partner
repeatedly tells us that something is bothersome, but we continue to behave the same
way, we’re telling them that their feelings aren’t as important as our own desires, even if we
don’t feel that way. We don’t consciously intend to be mean or dismissive, and sometimes
can’t even remember hearing it or agreeing in our minds that it was that serious. Perhaps
we felt that our partner would surely “understand” or wouldn’t have minded if the reverse
happened. It just couldn’t have been that important.

Common Habits That Cause Toxic Buildup

I conducted a workshop for couples during which I asked the participants to list some
of their partner’s habits that started out as minimally irritating but became cumulatively
annoying over time.

In the space of only two hours, the workshop members were able to come up with over
three hundred different items. The toxic build up of slowly irritating behaviors was such a
familiar phenomenon that the workshop participants felt relieved they were not alone and
looked forward to talking together in a new way about their cumulative frustrations.

Finding out that so many other people had struggled with the same issues seemed to help
with the healing process in many ways. They heard how others put different importance
on different behaviors and how some of the other couples had dealt with them. They were
also able to put their own assets and liabilities in greater perspective and even find some
humor in situations that had become too serious and too debilitating to the relationship.

I’ve held on to that list because it is so helpful to the couples. Here are the ones that were
listed most frequently. All of them had fulfilled the criteria of being only slightly irritating at
the beginning of a relationship, but cumulatively less tolerable over time:

• Constant throat clearing

• Going to bed without “brushing”

 • Leaving the lights on in an empty room

• Leaving the toilet seat up or down

• Not returning phone calls

• Changing the TV channel during commercials

• Making little noises during eating

• Not making noises during sex

• Comparing one partner’s behavior unfavorably to others

• Getting lost.

• Back-seat driving

• Teasing

• Forgetting simple agreements

• Falling asleep to TV

• Being finicky about food

• Flirting with others at parties

• Complaining about in-laws

• Forgetting messages

• Borrowing personal items without asking

• Squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle

• Pulling the bedcovers off your partner

• Putting wet towels in the hamper

• Not entering expenses in the checkbook or forgetting to pay bills

• Leaving dirty dishes in the sink

• Forgetting to take out the trash

• Revealing personal information in public

Exercise: Coming Clean About Pet Peeves

You might want to openly ask your partner if there are any behaviors that you do with each
other that are on this list or personal to your relationship.
Remember, if your partner has told you many times before about them, he or she might
be distressed repeating them. Ask each other how long each of you has suffered from
a particular behavior, how bad it feels and why, and whether it reminds you of prior
memories that trigger deeper emotions.

Then be honest enough with each other about what you think you can do to change any of
those behaviors and what you might have to do to change yourself for your partner.

When “Little” Behaviors Activate Deeper Issues

Sometimes, these repetitive, irritating behaviors unearth deeper distress or provoke past
uncomfortable or traumatic memories. When they do, they are “taproots” to deeper places
within the psyche and often arise without conscious awareness of why the reaction to
them is so strong.

Here are some examples of behaviors that are likely to trigger old memories:

• Being reminded by your partner that you’ve committed to a diet at the time you are
eating something you promised you wouldn’t

• Being interrupted or corrected when you are telling a story in a social situation

• Continually forgetting what you’ve told him or her that you like during sex

• Constantly pointing out the ways you might do something better

• Comparing your behavior to an old lover who was “more creative” in that arena

Though it is commonly and incorrectly assumed, relationships don’t operate like a

business ledger where assets automatically balance liabilities. Just a few seriously
negative or irritating behaviors on the negative side of the ledger can eventually invalidate
the positives on the other side, no matter how many there are. That is especially true if
your partner continuously repeats phrases or behaviors that deeply wound.

Chronically irritating behaviors keep eliciting stronger and stronger reactions each time
they occur. The evoked responses are similar to allergic reactions in the physical body.
Subsequent exposures are more destructive, and can even be relationship-threatening.
Love is a living entity, subject to reinforcement or destruction. It cannot survive with
repeated assaults.

Preventing And Reversing Toxicity

Remember, you both have rights to talk about something that is cumulatively bothering
you and to ask your partner to change that behavior, replacing it with something less
offensive. The sooner, the better.
Remember, being open and authentic about what you’re feeling is critical to creating
– and deepening – lasting intimacy. Distresses communicated early on with love and
support can halt toxic build-up.

It is important for the complaining partner to be understanding and non-judgmental about

his or her lover’s long-standing irritating habit. Some ingrained behaviors are legitimately
hard to change. They can come from being deeply reinforced over a long period of
time, connected with trauma, or personally rewarding. You’ll be more likely to succeed
in helping your partner to change if you approach the problem with your own responses
rather than what is wrong with them.

Something like:

“I am not doing well on the other end of what you’re doing. It’s my problem, honey, but I
need your help. You might not feel badly at all about this, but it’s really affecting me in a
negative way. I don’t want to hurt you or make you feel embarrassed, but I don’t want to
hold back something that might become a bigger issue if we don’t work on it together. Are
you in a place where you can listen without feeling attacked?”

Most partners will respond positively to that kind of a beginning. Most people are very
aware that the behavior is distressing their partners and welcome the opportunity to work
on it. If you are the person being requested to change, don’t respond with, “What about
your irritating behaviors?” That’s for another time.

3. Empty Soup Pots: Running Out Of Relationship Fuel

Relationships are living, breathing entities. They need constant nourishment and attention
to keep them healthy and satisfying for both partners. Couples can make the mistake of
thinking that, once their relationship is established, it can function on auto-pilot. Though it
may be an obvious truth, many couples forget this core realization.

There is a very old and treasured fairy tale called “Stone Soup.” In this story, a clever,
hungry traveler convinces a penurious old woman that he can make them wonderful soup
just from a stone. Her greed is seduced, and she allows him into her kitchen to show her
how it can be done. As the stone is “cooking in the boiling water,” he tells her that the
soup would be “so much better” if they could just add some carrots. And then, of course,
onions, and a lamb bone. And so on.

Soon the soup is, in fact, smelling delicious. ln gratitude for this amazing lesson, she offers
him a fair share of the meal for his incredible magic. The old woman has been duped into
generosity by her greed. She may never realize that the stone was unnecessary, because
she will have delicious soup every time she follows the directions from now on.

Relationships happen in reverse. They begin with a different kind of magic that is
real. New lovers start with every ingredient they possess to make the most delicious
“relationship soup” they can, and they keep that soup pot full. There is abundant
emotional nourishment to go around, and both partners continue to generously give
everything they can to make sure that it stays that way. Devotion, money, time, patience,
and energy are freely given, and the “soup” remains delicious indeed.

Sadly, as many relationships mature, the partners move from that willing sharing of
resources to more self-serving behavior. They decrease their automatic generosity and
begin to keep score to make sure they are not being taken advantage of. They too often
forget to keep putting the nourishing ingredients into the pot.

Unlike the old woman, who has learned to maintain the tastiness of her soup pot by
continuing to add what was delicious, the partners in a relationship begin taking more out
of the relationship than they put back in.

As the original love brew becomes thinned and sparse, so does the relationship become
more dissatisfying and empty, leaving only the symbolic stone left in the pot. The partners
never intended to fool each other as the clever man did in the fable. On the contrary,
they wanted to give each other more than they wanted in return, but now they have fallen
prey to the worst kind of self-trickery, the belief that a relationship will maintain its quality
without continuous investment.

Relationship soup pots need to stay full. It’s not always easy to keep that in mind. At
heart, humans are not built to continuously give when they have lost trust that there will be
automatic reciprocity.

Though there are times in every relationship when one partner has to do more than his or
her share, there must be a sense that the partners are in this together, and the outcome,
over time, will be the result of what both are willing to contribute. Disappointment and
disillusionment follow when the partners dip into their soup pot for nourishment and find it
empty, especially when they blame each other for its emptiness.

4. Romantic Dysfunction: When Desire and Drive Diminish

One of the most common complaints I hear every day from couples is that their sexual
frequency and quality has lessened. People laughingly mock the “six-month rule,”
referring to the decrease in spontaneous lust they experienced when the relationship was
new and their sexual brain chemicals were on fire. Those romantic-creating chemicals that
drove the new lovers to focus only on each other are now mixed with those that sustain
security and intimate bonding.

Romantic love has two critical components. The first is the unconditional pseudo parent-
child adoration that occurs in a new relationship. The lovers often behave as symbolic
adoring parents to the perfect children in each other.

“You are my precious baby.” “I’ll love you forever.” “You are perfect exactly as you are.”
Like the perfect parents we are not likely to have had, they ignore all faults and laud all
assets. When errors do occur, they are readily forgiven or forgotten. As we discussed in
Key 1, this phase inevitably gives way to reality, and when it does, the couples can find
themselves facing that loss of unconditional love and incorrectly consider the relationship
on its way out.

The second component of romantic love is the experience of newness, novelty,

and challenge that stimulates and satisfies the hunting reflex. This is the phase of a
relationship that drives couples to spend countless hours mastering every fragment of
their lover’s being. Initially the process seems endless. Every moment gives birth to new
information, sensory experiences, and fascinating fantasies. When the excitement of
discovery slows down, the comfort of knowing each other well can pale in comparison to
the vivid memories of new love.

The Four Phases Of Sexual Interaction

In lovemaking, couples experience pre-play, foreplay arousal, orgasmic completion, and

after-play.

Pre-play is a flirtatious, teasing, maybe yes-maybe-no, lighthearted chase that is fraught

with a mixture of anxiety and desire. In many cultures, it takes place in a carefully
choreographed “dance” that must be done in a perfect, ritualized manner. The real or
symbolic dance is an indirect, seemingly goalless “approach and retreat” process that is
intended to build desire in a holistic way – heart, mind, spirit, and genitals in integration.
New lovers maintain a constant radar to each other’s desires, intent on making certain they
don’t miss anything.

When the partners get serious about mating, they begin foreplay: Physical stimulation
begins, and energy refocuses around preparing the body to eventually reach orgasm.
They search each other’s bodies, perfecting the physical and sensual touching that
deepens their knowledge of what works best between them emotionally and physically.
Foreplay can last for seconds or hours, but it merges and sometimes extends beyond
orgasm.

When orgasms have satiated the physical part of arousal, the fourth phase of love-making
begins. The fulfillment of mutual physical desire provides the opportunity for extended
moments bathed in the intimacy of sensual, tender openness. Intertwined and interlaced,
the partners immerse themselves in the sweetness of the connection. Hearts open and
inner experience is mutually shared because time has become unimportant. Lovers pull
away from one another reluctantly and experience “La Belle Tristesse” – the beautiful
sadness of realizing they are no longer one entity, but two, again.
Sexual Fulfillment Differs From Person To Person

Many men tell me that they feel incomplete and unable to move on to the fourth phase of
lovemaking if they do not have an orgasm after arousal. Their physical frustration blocks
their ability to emotionally share.

Many women, on the other hand, are more likely to be able to stay emotionally connected
even when they are not able to orgasm every time. But it is possible for both genders to
experience all levels of that continuum. Desires for courtship, arousal, orgasm, and pillow-
talk can fluctuate from love-making session to love-making session, and with different
partners.

In the early stages of a romantic relationship, both partners tend to practice all four
stages, knowing somehow that a relationship needs both feminine and masculine sexual
energy to be at its best. The romantic pre-play phase gives birth to the orgasmic desire
and fulfillment that, in turn, gives birth to the romantic after-play phase on and on. When a
relationship is new, the cycle is repeated often enough for all desires to be met easily.

All too often, though, as a relationship progresses, masculine energy people are content
to move to the foreplay and orgasmic phase more quickly and to put less energy into
courtship and after play. The feminine energy person can begin to feel deprived if they are
no longer able to linger in phases of the relationship that deepen emotional intimacy: “At
the beginning, there was a tremendous, wonderful build-up, and sex was the icing on the
cake. Now there’s only a tiny cake and just as much icing. What happened?”

Simultaneously, the male energy people have their own complaint: “Why do I still have to
do so much “warm-up” now? I’d much rather get to the interesting stuff a little sooner. I’ve
proven how much I’m in the game and appreciate the connection, but we’ve done a lot of
rehearsal and there isn’t always a lot of time to do the whole deal.”

Avoiding Routine And Reigniting The Passion

Remember that couples can also lose interest in their mutual love making when things
become too predictable. We humans are novelty-seeking creatures, and want to be
surprised and intrigued as well as secure. If sexual connection happens too easily or is
too routine, the lust will inevitably fall prey to same-old, same-old. When couples are willing
to reinstate the first and fourth phases with new discovery and anticipation, along with
enriching the ones in between, can bring back the part of sexuality that makes us work a
little harder and reinstates the excitement of the hunt.

Often one partner has a consistently higher sexual drive than the other. Though it is more
often the man, it can, though more rarely, be the woman in a relationship. No one should
participate in a quality sexual interaction if they are bored, resentful, or uninterested.
Yet, lovers care about each other’s needs and deprivations, and feel appropriately
saddened when either feels unfulfilled or too pressured. If the couple is willing to be
innovative and is not willing to share their sexuality with others, they can find ways to make
the differences in desire smaller.

“Honey, I’m really in the mood tonight and I know you haven’t slept much with the pressure
from work. Is there any way I can interest you at all? I’m willing to do foot rubs and light
candles if that will help. I love you and don’t want to pressure you, but I’d love to find a way
if it’s possible.”

“You seem restless and sexually needy, sweetheart. I’m going to be a while. Can you just
start without me, and I’ll help you finish up when I get there? I’m okay, myself, but I’d love
to give you some pleasure.”

“I can see that you really need holding, and I’m a little physically frustrated, but you were so
great last night, let’s do this one for you. I know you’ll make it up to me as soon as you can.
You always do.”

“Can we just do the arousal part now, and get to the other stuff later tonight. I love building
a hunger for us, babe, and it’s usually a little overwhelming when I don’t get enough time.”

What’s important is that both partners care about the other and don’t resort to coercion,
pouting, punishment, or dismissal if they don’t get what they want. Differences in desire
occur in many parts of relationships, and the same willingness to compromise and
support apply.
 Chapter 13
Recommitment:
The Rock Of Your Relationship
The potential pitfalls we’ve just discussed can happen to any couple. And it makes no
difference whether both of you, or only one of you, is feeling
distressed about any one of these areas. You’re joined
in a common commitment, and one person’s sadness or
happiness is part of them both.

If either one of you feels ongoing distress in the relationship,

it should be an automatic signal to the other partner that
the crisis is mutual. Great relationships are partnerships that
share the same resources, the same wonders, and the same
sorrows.

Heroic commitment is not one-sided or limited in time and commitment. It is a daily,

moment-by-moment dedication to the relationship – holding reverent what is precious and
working together as a team to resolve any difficulties that arise.

The partners in heroic relationships know that the energy of the relationship can be
depleted by negativity that is allowed to fester. When things are not okay, both partners
move quickly to resolve the issues before they do damage. They know that the longer that
unresolved negative issues are allowed to fester, the more energy and time will be needed
for the relationship to heal.

To be practical and successful in resolving conflicts, heroic couples master the six
following steps when they know their relationship is in trouble:

• Step One: Assessment

• Step Two: Resources

• Step Three: Accountability

• Step Four: Repeated Pattern

• Step Five: Plan

• Step Six: Patience

Before you begin your healing process, make the following commitment to each other: you
will never start with what is wrong with your partner. If either of you begin your search to
heal the issue at hand, you must remember to inquire and learn – leaning into critique and
not being defensive. The last thing you want when discussing something that either of you
feel as a problem is to forget you’re on the same team.

Remember, you’re committed to, and responsible, for each other by choice. Accusations
of blame or expectations of guilt are guaranteed to make things worse. This is the time for
opening your hearts and listening without undermining or invalidating your partner.

The goal is to end up on the same page, holding hands, perceiving and healing the
problems that you are both accountable for. It’s rarely a one-way deal.

Step 1: Assessment – Scoping the Problem

You can’t adequately solve a problem unless you first understand it accurately.

When couples are worried about their relationship, they often mistakenly hyper-focus on
what they think is troubling them but then realize later that it is only a small part of a much
bigger picture. The tip of the iceberg is evident, but the deeper problems are masked by
anxiety, insecurity, or frustration.

It’s human to want to get out of pain quickly, and the price people pay for that urgency is
to end up solving the superficial issues but not the real problem. The lack of resolution will
guarantee a rematch.

Here is an example of a guaranteed-to-fail approach:

”Hey, I need to talk to you right now. I have a problem with you. You promised you’d get to
that stuff in the garage and I’m running out of patience. And please don’t give me any of
your excuses. I know them all by heart. We both agreed that the mess would be cleaned up
by the time my mother gets here, and that’s only two weeks away.”

“I tried to get to this yesterday, babe, but the big game was on and I wasn’t prepared to
leave our friends when they dropped in. Please forgive me. I know I’ve disappointed you,
but you don’t have to be so nasty about it. Maybe you shouldn’t have so many expectations
when you know how busy I am. I’ll clean it in the morning, but only if you promise to get off
my back.”

She is blaming the entire problem on him and showing no signs of understanding or
compromise. He just wants to stop the nagging and is trying to calm her down, minimize
the problem, and get the presenting problem solved. There is probably a deeper issue
underneath, like the fact that he breaks a lot of promises, but that won’t get addressed this
way.

Here is an example of a guaranteed-to-work approach:

“Honey, I know you’ve been working overtime and go out of your way to do a lot of nice
things for me and what I want is not on the list of your preferred duties. I know that’s the
reason you’ve been putting off cleaning the garage. I know there’s a lot of stuff in there
that’s mine and you probably would like some company, so can we plan on spending some
time tomorrow after the game and I’ll help you?”

“Now, that’s a great way to sandwich an unappealing task in a great wrapper. You’re right.
It’s the last thing I want to do tomorrow, but I know your mom will be here in a couple of
weeks, and you’d like the garage to look nice. She did help us with the down payment on
the house. I haven’t forgotten. Can we have a little alone time in the morning? That would
help.”

Exploring The Problem Together As You Assess It

Once you’ve assessed the problem and are assured that it’s not the tip of a bigger
iceberg, begin to explore what is wrong by putting your crisis emotions on a back burner,
if you can. Just talk about how each of you sees how the situation came to be, where each
of your accountability lies, and what you feel you can do in the moment to make each
other comfortable as you explore it together.

Treat this current challenge as if you were both helping a best friend with his or her
relationship problem, not your own. Listen deeply to both of your concerns as to what may
have created the problem to begin with. During this time, do everything you can to resist
the urge to blame, invalidate, coerce, or complain.

The goal is to search for a common truth together. Try to keep your ego out of it as much
as possible while staying kind and supportive of your partner. How the discussion begins
emotionally is crucial for its eventual resolution and can’t happen if the atmosphere is
tense, angry, or blaming. Remember, you have both decided to fight for this relationship
because you want to stay together, so you should be looking for ways to make that
happen, not to prove who’s wrong.

You’ll know when you’ve identified what is at the root of your disappointment. There is a
sense of quiet sanity, clarity, and renewed energy as you realize what the real problem
is, and if it’s deeper than it appears, or has come up before. Hopefully, your process has
been mutually respectful and supportive and you’re ready for the next step.

Step 2: Resources – How Can We Devise and Implement the Best

Strategy

When you and your partner are in trouble, you might not remember all of the resources
that may be at your disposal. Emotionally upset partners often forget the most important
one, the emotional bonding that brought them together in the first place.

As you assess the current issue between you, you may be tempted to forget how
important you are to each other and that the problem is not the relationship. If you keep
in mind those deeper commitments, you will realize that what you are facing is only a
small part of the whole picture and you will retain that perspective as you solve the current
problem.

1. Sweet Spots

Use this resource first. Go back in time and help each other remember the “sweet spots”
you found so wonderful when you first came together and those you’ve created within the
relationship. They will remind you of the best of your love and what it would mean were
you to lose those feelings while you are trying to resolve the current issue.

If things start to get heated and you are losing that faith, stop discussing the problem at
hand and reconnect. Talk about the good times in the past and why they were so special.
Look at the strengths of your relationship and what you still respect and value. Once you
have reinstated your caring and love for each other, re-approach the problem from that
point of view.

2. Supportive People

The second most important, and often overlooked, resource is the people who have
consistently supported you as a couple. Those might be friends, family, co-workers,
or mentors. If you are feeling distressed by a present or recurring problem in your
relationship and are unable to get to the bottom of it yourselves, reach out to those people
who remind you of the reasons you want to be together. At the same time, avoid those
who would encourage you to fight and to make the problem bigger than your relationship.

Even when couples reach out to others, their problem may be too deep or complicated to
get the help they need from friends or even trusted colleagues. Bringing in a competent
professional before the damage grows is often a very good solution. When conflicts are
not covered by layers of denial, disappointments, or buried resentments, they are easy to
resolve with someone who can provide the right tools at the right time.

3. Time

When couples are in trouble, they have often forgotten that they’ve needed prime time
together to regenerate the deep feelings they have for each other. The relationship has
possibly taken a back burner to other priorities, coasting on the incorrect assumption that
the relationship can handle it and won’t fall behind. Their soup pots are bubbling away
with very little in them.

Any conflict takes on a different hue when there is a reservoir of closeness to feed it.
Otherwise, the underlying loss of connection may easily make any problem seem much
greater than it needs to be.

Just rearranging your life to make certain that quality time is again available to talk, to
explore, and to connect intimately, can begin a process of healing, and give the couple
back their foundation of automatic support.

It may mean temporarily giving up other commitments that seem important, but there has
to be the common willingness to put your relationship as the top priority until you both
agree that you are back on track. The saddest realization for many couples who lose each
other is what they could have done, when things were tough, but didn’t. A sure way to know
that you need to make more intimate time together a priority is when problems happen
more often, last longer, and leave more painful residue in their path.

4. Energy

Teachers of metaphysics often say, “Where consciousness goes, energy flows.” It is also
true in relationships. You have to want to reconnect and find your love again with all your
hearts. That means re-focusing your energy and enthusiasm in each other’s direction,
whatever it takes.

If you lose your relationship because of inertia and bad habits, you’ll find yourself putting
out a lot more energy to undo the damage. Many people wear out the resources of the
relationship they’re in, and realize, often too late, that they will have to put out even more
to secure the next one. Even if you’re discouraged or worn out, it is always better to give
the one you’re in the best of you before you give up.

There are many energy drains that do not do anything to change a situation. When
reserves are low, it is important to make them non-existent. Anxiety, irresolvable conflicts,
guilt, fretting, addictive escapes, and self-indulgent negative behaviors are some
examples.

The pressures of life that drain energy are often made worse by one’s attitude toward
them. Most people, once confronted by a crisis, knew it was coming and didn’t do
anything to stop it in time. Keeping perspective on what is good about life while bearing
the negatives can go a long way toward keeping that frame of mind.

5. Hope and Faith

Hope and faith are the positive opposites of despair and disillusionment.

The two of you have to believe you can do it. You have to trust each other to stay with it
until the job is done. If you still value the love you have created, use every possible means
you have to regain hope. Sometimes that means looking at things in a whole new way.
Innovation can often come out of loss of known options. It means the willingness to risk,
but isn’t that what heroic love is all about?

Step 3: Accountability – the Magic Turning Point

In my years of working with couples, I have learned to identify that magical point
during the therapeutic process when I know the relationship can succeed. It may seem
inordinately simple, but it gives a whole new hope that success is possible.

It happens when I realize that I am not able to tell who the “wronged person” is as the
couple shares their relationship stories. The partners have stopped being defensive and
are no longer needing to make themselves right at the expense of the other. They have
shifted to talking about their relationship as a partnership, not a competition for who is the
least responsible for the problems.

“If only he... “ “If she were just willing to... Then, I could, or maybe would, or might be able,
or possibly willing to....”

Those are the kinds of words most often heard early in therapy sessions.

When that transformative moment happens, I hear, Instead:

“Tell me how I could make that easier for you.”

“I can imagine how you get angry when I do that. I’ve been told that before.”

“I’m so sorry I trigger those feelings in you. Let me know where those trauma buttons are,
so I can avoid hurting you again.”

“We’re really starting to get this right.”

“Did you ever think we were going to find our way home? I’m so excited about where we’re
heading.”

That’s when I know we’re on our way to some deeper and more effective resolution. Any
willingness of the partners to be accountable for one’s own behavior, openness to critique,
or readiness to change whatever is necessary to make the situation better, signals that
we’re on our way.

Partners are not automatically required to change for each other, no matter how
reasonable or urgent the request, nor are either one of them entitled to what they want
from the other. Sometimes their behaviors may be too important for them to relinquish, or
they are unable to change it without harming themselves or their partners.

If that is the case, their obligation is to be honest so that their partners don’t expect
something that’s never going to happen, and can decide if the relationship is more
important than getting what they want. Honesty can create dissention and the possibility of
the diminishment of intimacy, but giving in when it is not honest or possible to sustain will
result in resentment or martyrdom. Those feelings will do more damage in the long run.

Step 4: Plan – Getting on The Right Track

After you have assessed the ways your relationship may need work, you’ll want to decide
together what kind of changes you need to make to get your relationship back on target.
This is not always easy. Sometimes one partner wants to create a plan that is better for
him or her. Feeling the fear of non-agreement, the other may give in without challenging,
but not really be behind the agreement.

This is the time to look at your common goals, dreams, and resources once more, but from
a new perspective. For your plan to have a real chance at working, you’ll want to open up
every subject that is or could be important to either of you in the future. Talk about money.
Talk about sex. Talk about children. Talk about drugs. Talk about family. Talk about loss.
Talk about careers. Talk about fear. Talk about any past transgressions that could hurt
your present relationship. Talk about friends. Talk about intimacy. Talk about trust and
betrayal. Talk about hope. Talk about play. Talk about laughter. Talk about God.

Once you have shared your deepest hearts with each other, each separately writes out
what you think both of you need to do to resolve your differences. Include changes in
behavior, thoughts, and attitude. List those steps in order. Then share your individual
plans with each other to see where you agree and where you need to negotiate or accept
a new idea.

Here is an example:

Problem: Too much social interaction for one partner and not enough for the other.

Partner One’s plan:

Talk about the situation:

I recognize that my desire is okay but that it is overwhelming and painful for you to
participate at the level I want you to.

Explain why you feel that way:

I am an only child. I spent most of my childhood inventing games that had different parts,
all of which I played. I cried myself to sleep often because both my parents worked at
night and I was lonely. I watched other children with siblings and family friends and I was
so envious.

Give understanding and concern about the other person:

I understand that you are a person who is shy around a lot of people and would rather
just be with me or with close friends some of the time. I am conflicted about needing more
than you can provide for me and I don’t want to leave you out or neglect you in any way.

Offer your plan:

My plan is to negotiate intimate time with you alone in advance so that you feel that you
are my top priority, but to arrange time with friends and family as well. I will be as fair as
I can but I want you to let me be separate from you sometimes without feeling guilty. I’d
love it if you had some other interests that intrigued you so that you came to me filled up.
That way I wouldn’t feel that you were so dependent on me to make you okay.

Ask for feedback:

Please let me know if this is something you can accept or if you need to negotiate any part
of this plan.

Questions For Reflection: Will You Both Stick With It?

You’ll need to know whether both of you can make a full commitment to the new plan. It is
important that you realize that each of you can modify it at any time with the agreement of
your partner. That is the only way it can hold over time. The answer lies in the sincerity with
which that commitment is made and holding to your willingness to reshape and refocus
the plan as you go along.

You can test the strength of your convictions by the way each of you answers the following
questions:

• Are we so afraid of losing each other that we would minimize our problems just to
avoid that possibility?
(Fear of the unknown and self-doubt can be smoke screens that deter our heroism
and the need to face whatever we must to make our promises to each other come
true.)

• Are we agreeing to something we might not be able to accomplish in the future

because we’re under pressure now to resolve it too quickly?
(You’ll endanger the trust you’re trying to build if you make bogus promises to
alleviate anxiety that are not likely to come true. Your commitments to changing
whatever individual behaviors are necessary must be sacred to both of you.)

• Will we help each other hold to those commitments even if it becomes more difficult
than we imagined?
(Quitting cannot be an option when genuine transformation is what we’re asking for.)

If the answers to these questions tell you that your love for each other is worth fighting for,
you’ll be able to hold to your commitment.

Qualitative change and the creativity and innovation it takes can only happen if the
partners in an intimate relationship are willing to embrace a process of disintegration and
reintegration as they dismantle behaviors that don’t work and form new ones that do.
The time during which new understandings and renewed purposes are being searched
out can be turbulent and unnerving. The current crisis that may have heralded your
relationship problem has created the disintegration. Your openness to each other now
sets the foundation for new possibilities as your re-integration happens.
A Note About Particularly Difficult Challenges

Crises are simply problems that have announced their existence with an emotional
bullhorn. They can be helpful crossroads in relationship, offering us the choice to either
cut our losses and run, or to transform ourselves and our partners by striving to resolve
them.

It is not effective to pretend that the significant problem isn’t happening or that it will go
away by itself. If you’ve decided to fight for each other and the relationship, then the crisis
can be your motivator to bring back the relationship’s life and its purpose. That is what
being heroic is about.

Tragedies are the most difficult kind of crisis for a relationship to endure. Whether from
terminal illness, the death of a family member, or betrayal, it can put a couple into severe
jeopardy. Shaken and disoriented, partners experiencing potential or irrevocable loss
often use their relationship as a dumping ground for their anger and powerlessness.
Hovering between hope and despair, they use up their resources at an alarming rate and
find themselves scraping the bottom of the barrel.

The steps to putting a relationship back on track are the same. Together, you must
acknowledge what happened and arrive at a common goal to move forward. You can’t go
back to who you were before your relationship was in trouble. But you can re-commit to
co-creating a new relationship utilizing all the resources you are willing to invest.

Step 5: Patience – The Overarching Virtue

Any kind of meaningful healing and change cannot occur without patience. Not the
kind of patience that happens when we try to suppress desires or while waiting for an
unpredictable outcome. Rather, the kind that is needed to authentically commit to any
regenerative process is dependent on the faith that we will succeed. It is part of a sacred
process, much like the vows one takes when any transformative decision needs to be
made for life.

When you understand the depth of commitment it takes to live life with unyielding integrity,
sacred patience is about being so certain of your love and so embracing of your new
plan that you no longer are concerned with the passage of time. In this spiritual sense, so
long as you are on the path to your new dream together, time doesn’t matter – only the
commitment to the vision you both have created.

If you are lucky, as the two of you grow together, your goals will reform and reshape
throughout the rest of your lives. This current crisis and recommitment will become a
pattern that grows in depth and sureness.

It’s not just about achieving the goals that you are presently committed to, but how
you treat each other along the way. The process is what counts. It’s encouraging and
supporting each other as you go. When every step of the way is a learning experience that
brings you closer together, you don’t want the process to end.

Committing To Heroic Love – Every Day

If you’re willing to do the soul searching, to experience authentic remorse, be open to

critique, give up dysfunctional patterns, reframe your goals and dreams, and embrace
faith in yourself and your partner, your commitment for healing and change will be your
catalyst to a new adventure.

When love becomes a vehicle for heroism and risk, new and unimagined doors open. They
can lead to a new way of being with one another that grows in its possibilities every day.
Sequential relationships have their ever-newness and novelty that keeps many people
continuously intrigued. Wonderful, long-term relationships are filled with meaningful
memories, honest and open love in the present, and attainable dreams for the future.

The difference between a relationship that will grow and one that will end prematurely
lies in the partner’s abilities to work out their conflicts as they occur, while simultaneously
continuing to create joy and passion along the way. Those values and meanings must be
constantly re-explored, updated, and recommitted to.

Relationships that are left to meander through their crises, without direction or guidance,
will fall into the abyss of neglect. Both partners create whatever plans they need, face the
potential outcomes together, and are responsible as a team for making the relationship
the best it can be.
 Key 5

Heroic Love Doesn’t Give Up…

And Is Always Worth Fighting For

Choosing to love heroically is choosing a relationship of continuous growth and

unparalleled potential. Though you may often find yourself wondering what the next step
will be and how you will triumph over it, it will be worth every battle you will encounter
along the way. Because every individual and every relationship is unique, you will have to
develop your own path through uncharted territory. With bravery and authenticity, you will
create the foundation for genuine happiness.

Because each journey is different, you may encounter unexpected challenges. Make
the commitment to stay the course even when adversity, confusion, or uncertainty is
part of your experience. The trials and tribulations you will face, well executed, will be
the “stretchers” that push you to become the very best version of yourself. Heroic love
is your ticket to personal transformation, and occasional setbacks are necessary and
important parts of the package. They are like little spurs from the universe questioning
your continued commitment each step along the way.

In this key, you’ll be inspired and energized to navigate your own journey of heroic love so
that you can experience the kind of love you’ve always known is possible.
 Chapter 14
Can People Really Change?
When I begin to teach my couples the principles of heroic love, they often initially respond
with concern that their deeply ingrained patterns may resist
the changes asked of them.

They ask questions like: “Can people really change?” “Do I

have the capacity to shift patterns that are so much a part
of me?” “Why would anyone want to try something that is so
different from what they’ve known if the outcome seems so
impossible?” “I’ve read every self-help book on the market,
and done every exercise. They just don’t seem to help.”

You might have some similar thoughts yourself. In this chapter, you’ll learn to differentiate
between traits you were born with, how they were be modified by your life experiences,
and the patterns of behaviors you have acquired from prior relationships.

This combination is often referred to as “nature and nurture.” Let’s look more deeply at
how they interact and why change is possible.

Core Personality Versus Learned Patterns

We are all born with basic core components of our personalities that will always manifest
in some way, in every way we express ourselves. Go into any hospital nursery and watch
individual infant’s reactions to stimuli. A bottle drops on the floor, making a sharp noise.
One infant wakes up instantly and starts to cry. Another sleeps peacefully through the
interruption. Another opens his eyes and looks around, curious but not disturbed.

Some of that genetic programming will drive you throughout your life. But, even though
these tendencies came with the territory, they will also have been modified by the
environment in which you were raised and the relationships you’ve had since then. Those
natural and innate expressions have been gratified, pummeled, or encouraged by the
people we’ve interacted with, and are molded by those interactions.

As we discussed in Key 3, we are shaped by those powerful definitions of who we are by

those we have had to depend upon, and we internalized them as if they were true. This
is especially prominent and influential during our childhood. Early experiences are more
profound, and small children cannot differentiate between what is true and real from what
they are told. Many caretakers have not reflected upon their own thoughts and behaviors,
and can transmit errors in reality trans-generationally. A child must then depend upon
future “mirrors” to correct those misconceptions.
For instance, suppose a family member said you were “way too sensitive,” and so you’ve
always labeled yourself an ultra-sensitive person who has to protect yourself from any
expression that is not positive. Then you would assiduously avoid any challenges that you
might be able to handle but didn’t know it.

What if it was never true? It could be that family member was under pressure to be
perfect when he or she was growing up, and now thinks that you should be the same
way. Or maybe it was they who were overly sensitive and wanted you to be more “well
behaved.” If you had been born into a different family, you might have been challenged
more and found that you were fine, even with your sensitive responses. You would have
been valued deeply for exactly who you are.

Making Different Choices And Forming New Patterns

The wonderful news is that, whatever you have learned growing up and throughout your
life can be altered by new learning, no matter how you have experienced it. Your mind
can teach your brain how to react differently throughout your entire life if you know who
you’ve been and who you want to become. It’s called neuroplasticity, and it is one of the
most liberating, new scientific discoveries that has come along in a very long time.

People who naturally react strongly can learn how to calm those responses with practices
like meditation or yoga. Immediate gratification needs can be quieted by practicing
putting things off for a while, or by substituting a healthier behavior.

Kids who are not born as natural athletes or musicians can train themselves by hard
discipline to develop those skills, and sometimes do better than those with innate
talent who aren’t as motivated. Bad habits can be altered and even exchanged for new
behaviors that work better. It is all about intention and commitment. The brain will continue
to re-form in the direction you ask it to.

When you have practiced the same rituals or habits all of your life, they form deep grooves
of probable reactions to similar stimuli. Those reactions will be automatic until you decide
to change them. That requires that you are conscious of their presence, ready to block
them, and prepared to shift them to another course each time they are likely to happen.
Each time you come to a crossroads, you cannot not groove. To make certain you do not
automatically deepen an old groove, you must be fully conscious and intentional in doing a
new behavior instead. Every time, when the new path is a deeper groove than the old one,
you can stop the vigilance and be confident that the new behavior will hold, until you are
ready for more transformation.

Part of life’s journey is to get to know what personality characteristics you inherited, how
you have manifested them, and what you have learned about yourself from other people
who programmed you to think their way. Remember that learned behavior – whether a
modification of those core characteristics, or separately taught – can always be unlearned
or redirected if you are prepared to do the work it takes to develop those new ways of
thinking and being.

Personal Transformation And Heroic Love Go Hand In Hand

Yes, people can change, and they can change profoundly. I couldn’t continue to feel
passionate and positive in what I do every day if I did not absolutely believe that.

People who have taken the time to develop self-awareness and who have worked
hard to overcome personal obstacles are often rewarded with the most triumphant of
transformations – lasting, soul-satisfying love is one of them.

In the next – and final – chapter, I’ll talk about some of the incredible transformations I’ve
witnessed in my work with both couples and singles.
 Chapter 15
Heroic Couples And Their Stories
I believe the desire to find that special, regenerating love is universal, innate, and
desirable, and we need to work harder and more effectively
to make it possible, especially in these times of revolving-
door relationships. I have seen people create these
wonderful, long-term relationships enough times now to
profoundly believe that they can happen.

The couples who build and maintain those kinds of

relationships become unusually fulfilled people. They have
created a home in each other that gives them consistent
meaning and satisfaction without any sense of obligation
or longing for what they might be missing. They are there because they know that good
relationships are re-created every day, and holding on to the one they have is an easy
choice over looking for another that could possibly compare.

When I am lucky enough to be in the presence of a couple that has captured the magic
of a long-term, regenerating, deep love, it is amazing to experience. The passionate life
force of a relationship that continues to fight for deepening commitment and the capacity
to sustain love is a phenomenon that encompasses the best of comfort and excitement,
security and novelty. It is infectious, delicious, and thoroughly joyful.

When couples are able to realize that kind of relationship, it feels as if that is what most
humans are created to do. Best friends, sharing their hearts, their sorrows, their ecstasies,
and their dreams with deepening connection and devotion seem to have found the most
productive combination of both worlds.

Determined to live their lives at their highest level of passion and productivity individually
and together, they approach their difficulties as challenges for transformation rather than
reasons to disengage.

In my own marriage, I feel like I’ve had 14 different partners – that’s how much our
relationship has changed and evolved over time. We’ve lived a life span from “I Love
Lucy” to “Desperate Housewives.” Whenever a possible distraction or challenge
presented itself, we used it to come back to each other and to strengthen the way we feel
about our relationship. And every time, we’ve re-chosen each other because of what we
know about us. Even with our faults and our failures, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Let me introduce you to two couples who have successfully fought for heroic love,
and ultimately created a deeper, more nurturing connection with each other. They are
people whose inspirational stories have kept my “sparkle box” full. They came into my
practice overwhelmed and apprehensive, but emerged with newfound connection and
recommitment. Hopefully, their stories will inspire you and compel you to strive for the
same kind of relationship.

Rena And Jay: Sweet Spots Rediscovered

When I met Rena and Jay, their combined emotional resources no longer were able
to resolve their unexpected stress and subsequent damage to their relationship. They
were wise enough to know they had come to the end of their own capabilities but were
determined to rediscover what they had once shared and were unwilling to lose.

Rena was a published author, using her office at home as a haven from the world. In a
beautiful space overlooking a garden, she created her unique imaginary worlds without
interruption. The environment felt natural to her. As a child, she lived in a chaotic family
and spent most of her time seeking that same solitude in her local library, where no one
would interrupt her passionate inner world.

Her productive creative pattern as an adult followed the same pattern. When she was in
the midst of writing a new novel, she would isolate herself for months at a time, allowing
only a few chosen friends to occasionally visit her. Men had come and gone in her
life, unwilling, after a time, to be slotted into her constrained requirements for intimate
connection.

The relationship with Jay was different from the beginning. She felt comfortable with him,
more than she ever had with anyone. He seemed autonomous, easily entertained, and
involved with his own interests. When she needed time to herself, he generously gave her
that space without apparent frustration or remorse. His job as an international salesman
took him away from their home for several weeks at a time, fitting perfectly with her need
for alone time to concentrate on her craft.

They had arguments about the usual small things, but their intimacy was outstanding and
their respect for each other equally so. It seemed as if she had found a way to live her life
with secure love and the ability to maintain her need for independence. Their three-year
relationship had been uniquely satisfying by both their accounts until the last few months.
An unexpected event changed everything and turned their compatible life upside down.

Jay’s mother had taken seriously ill, requiring frequent stays in the hospital. Rena saw
Jay’s worry and the stress it was causing him as he made the long journey back and
forth to visit his mother’s home in another state. Rena’s perfectly balanced life was
threatened as she and Jay suffered the multiple separations they had to endure. Her old
defenses were emerging as she tried to separate herself from depending on their prior,
uninterrupted closeness. Jay was equally saddened and distressed. They talked over
every possible solution and finally agreed, with some trepidation, to allow Jay’s mother to
live with them for a short while.
That temporary stay went from a few weeks into six months. Though sufficiently recovered,
Jay’s mother seemed to have settled into a comfortable routine, and wasn’t showing signs
of leaving anytime soon. She was very happy being part of Rena and Jay’s life.

Rena knew the background and felt compassion for Jay’s conflict. His father died of
pneumonia when Jay was a young child, leaving the responsibility of his, even then,
emotionally dependent mother for his son to deal with. He handled his mother’s demands
by becoming independently wealthy, using his financial resources to keep her every
material need fulfilled. He continually used the excuse of his expanding responsibilities
so that he only had to visit her when there was no other alternative. When she was able
to corral him for longer than a few days, she would become intrusive, meddlesome, and
controlling, pleading with him to let her live with him.

Before she came, Rena and Jay anticipated that her dependency would return, but never
thought it would come between them, even though she had made it clear that she was not
happy when they moved in together. Yet Jay’s mother had burrowed her way in and was
apparently unwilling to give up the opportunity of being permanently close to Jay. She
didn’t seem to care about the pressure it would put on Rena and Jay’s relationship.

Rena and Jay were initially able to share their feelings about their growing feelings of
intrusion, working as a team to try to keep his mother as content and their own life as
unchanged as possible.

As the weeks went by, Jay’s mother’s dislike of Rena and her attempts to supplant her
became more obvious. When Rena went to make dinner, Jay’s mother had already
prepared it, often without enough for more than two to eat. When they would retreat into
their bedroom to spend intimate time together, she would repeatedly call out for Jay with
some feigned urgency. Though they were fully aware of her motives and intent, Jay and
Rena could not seem to find a way to keep her intrusiveness contained.

After six months, no longer able to feign hospitality or endure his mother’s sharp and
insulting comments, Rena had retreated more and more to her bedroom suite, giving
Jay’s mother the run of the household. When Jay returned from his travels, he found an
entrenched matriarch and a recluse.

Jay and Rena loved each other deeply but had never had to deal with the severity of their
situation. They used every resource they had to stay close while hoping for the day that
Jay’s mother would give up and keep her promise to return home. But even as they tried
to practice their quiet love, the situation was too hard for too long.

They began to quibble about small things and could not seem to regenerate from them
as they had in the past. Even lovemaking, which was always gentle and healing, was
beginning to suffer. The long, enjoyable hours they’d spent talking together in the past
were sacrificed to satisfy Jay’s mother’s increasing demands for attention. She would find
numbers of contrived requirements for her son to fulfill, and insist that they take priority
over his relationship with Rena. Try as he would to press the issue of her leaving, he could
not get her to commit to a date. Rena felt sadness and empathy for his trying conflict, but
she was running out of patience and losing respect. In her heart, she was losing faith as
well. Perhaps love, no matter how perfect, was not meant to last.

As she lost hope, she began to split off, arguing with Jay over inconsequential problems,
and finally, in desperation, wondering aloud whether they should have ever been together
in the first place. Jay was deeply hurt. In his inner world, he had been destined to live
alone forever. Perhaps his mother was right and he should just take her home and live
his life for her until she was gone. The darkness was overcoming the light they had once
shone together.

The tension in the house grew more continuous and the healing moments less available
to either of them. Jay’s mother continued to feign symptoms that would require her to stay
with them longer, and Jay’s childhood guilt and confusion over his obligations rendered
him immobilized and unable to challenge her. He had run away from this terrible burden
as a young man, and had never developed the ability to set boundaries when he was with
her.

Though both hard-won independent people, they knew they were losing the most
important relationship either had ever known and that they needed help. When they
came to my office for therapy, their interactions were impatient and terse. There was little
compassion left on either side. Because their relationship had been so comfortable and
satisfying before, they had never had to develop the skills to deal with a chronic stressful
situation of such major proportions. Rena’s obvious disappointment and resentment only
served to make Jay more defensive, and to fuel his belief that his mother’s righteousness
and entitlement were an unavoidable obligation.

We assessed the seriousness of the situation and the resources they had available to
solve it together. Jay needed to do some independent work on defining his obligations
with his mother, and where his priorities were for his own life. Rena began to understand
how invaded she had been by a constant houseguest, particularly one who clearly wanted
to be primary in the relationship, and how little prepared she was to confront the situation.
All her life, before her relationship with Jay, she had simply bolted when difficulties
erupted.

As a crosscheck on their objectivity, they consulted with friends about how they saw Jay’s
mother. They also remembered what beauty they had created together at the beginning
of their relationship, and how tremendously happy they had been. They wanted their
life back and the beautiful relationship they had created. Once they realized what had
happened to them, they began to bring renewed energy and commitment into their
partnership and formulated a plan.

Jay brought his mother into therapy with Rena’s full support and agreement. Jay and his
mother had never before talked about his father’s death or what his mother had been
through as a widow. We encouraged her to talk about how abandoned she had felt by Jay
for so many years, and realized why she had been so unwilling to give up this long-sought
opportunity to have him back. It was her last chance for recognition and inclusion in his
life, and she was determined to have her way.

When he told her how much he loved Rena, and how happy she had made him, his
mother broke. She shared her fears of dying alone, and not having anyone who would
care for her when she was old. He could see the fear behind her expression, and told her
they would work out something to keep her closer to them, if she would recognize and
respect the importance of the life he and Rena wanted.

She felt grateful to finally be able to be heard and pledged commitment and support for
what her son wanted from her. She realized that she had been competing with Rena for
her son’s time and attention. She’d never had a daughter and didn’t realize how much she
had pushed Rena away.

The three of us worked together for several more months. What had been an impossible
situation became a working alliance.

Both Jay and Rena realized they could easily handle his mother’s living within a few miles
from them at a lovely and supportive senior’s home where she could make contemporary
friends yet still be able to spend time with them when the desire was mutual. Jay’s mother
stayed in her own personal therapy with me for three years. She was able to recommit to
her life in a passionate way, and married when she was eighty-eight to a younger man of
eighty-three. The foursome worked out wonderfully.

Watching these two people reconstruct the love they once had, and break through
childhood patterns that would have destroyed their relationship, I was once again
reminded of how shared vulnerability and authentic openness can break through
seemingly formidable barriers.

In the past, both Rena and Jay had thought they were heroic people because they never
asked for help and always dealt with diversity alone. They had no idea of what to do in a
mutually anguishing situation that appeared unassailable. They had learned new ways of
being, given up old patterns, and reached for what was previously unknown, taking all of
the risks that went with it.

Jay’s mother was a trooper. From a desperate, lonely and controlling unwelcome guest,
she became an included and valued elder. She replaced what seemed to be innate
negative behaviors with those that were not only attractive but significantly desirable. The
man she married would never have spent time with the old “mom,” but was intrigued and
excited by the new one. My belief in heroic love was, once again, wonderfully reinforced.
Serena And Cliff

Serena and Cliff grew up in the same city, on the same block. They were born two days
apart, but their lives could not have been more different.

Serena was the middle of five children, and the only girl. Her father engaged in a series of
extramarital affairs, leaving the family destitute during his absences. Though an intelligent
and diligent student, she had to leave high school in her junior year to help support
the family. Her oldest brother was killed in the war, the next was lost in a haze of drug
addiction, and her younger two brothers were floundering.

When her mother died of a head injury after a drunken fall, Serena, in deep and personal
anguish, gave her two younger brothers up to an uncle who could raise them. For the next
six years, she worked two jobs and put herself through school to become a nurse and was
head of an intensive care unit when I met her at age thirty-two.

Cliff was the youngest of four, and the only boy, beloved and pampered from the day of
his birth. Both of his parents were physicians, and he felt he had no choice but to follow
them. Well-to-do, smart, and attractive, he plowed his way through high school, college,
and medical school, leaving a trail of rejected almost-wives behind. He had a carved-out
future, long before he had a sense of self-definition. He derived his self-worth externally.

He went through residency and training and was well on his way to becoming the epitome
of his parent’s dreams, a neurosurgeon – until a motorcycle accident left him paralyzed on
one side.

Serena was his nurse. She was immediately attracted to him but knew his background
and assumed she would never even be a consideration. Though she had only known a
few men intimately in her life, she had never shared her family history with anyone, sure
that she would be rejected. She was a committed and diligent nurse, respected and
beloved by her colleagues, but none knew her well or were invited to socialize with her
outside of the hospital.

Cliff was not only badly injured, but he was morosely depressed. He knew what kind of
trouble he was in and that his future might be gone as he had planned for all of his life.
Normally garrulous and easily proud of himself, he was unapproachable. He rejected
others when they tried to help him, preferring to figure out things for himself.

In the weeks that Serena had been attending Cliff, she had grown to deeply care for him.
He filled her waking and sleeping dreams. She could not eat or find solace in any of her
prior disciplines. Her only friend had reached out to me first, and convinced her to seek
help.

I found her to be a woman of incredible integrity and kindness, and more mature than her
years. Yet, at the same time, she had never risked to be known, nor had the time to reflect
on her own needs or desires. She had made up her mind that Cliff would always remain
a fantasy and just wanted to know how to let go of him when he left the hospital in a short
while.

We began the journey. In so many ways she was unbelievably heroic. Yet she had never
thought of how she could bring that courage into a relationship. We were in crisis mode,
urgent to transform under pressure. But that is how Serena had lived her life, and she was
fully up for the challenge. We rehearsed how she would be authentic and real with Cliff,
telling him of her feelings and who she was inside.

The day before he was to be discharged, she asked if they could have some quiet time
together to talk over his recovery and future treatment. He seemed not only willing, but
gladdened by her invitation. She told him how important he had become to her and how
she treasured him as a person.

She watched his expressions and body language carefully, as we had practiced, ever
ready for each nuance that would tell her how her authenticity was being received and
whether she should go on. She took every risk she could imagine as courageously as she
had lived her life.

Cliff took her hand and began to cry, tears that had been suppressed for a lifetime. He
reached out to her and took her in his arms, holding her close. Never had he witnessed
such honesty and such pure caring. Never had he known that kind of acceptance
from anyone. He was a broken man, but loved for who he was now, not for who he was
supposed to become.

They fell deeply in love. His parents not only accepted her, they were deeply grateful as
they watched him recommit to life with her at his side. Their wedding is a beautiful memory
to me.

Heroic love can begin from within. It means letting go of the “supposed to’s” and reaching
for the possibilities that would never be evident without those risks. It is not always
reciprocated, and the abyss can be anguishing. But when it is, the beauty that unfolds is
almost indescribable.

Your Heroic Love Journey Starts Now

The hero’s journey has been well documented in literature. The young person is called
to adventure and sets off on a mission that has both an intrinsic and extrinsic goal. The
external destination is not nearly as important as the transformations that occur from his or
her persistence and courage to pursue what is not known, but deeply hungered for.

Heroic love is an emotional journey of the heart and soul. The quest is to find a
wonderfully intimate relationship with another human being, formed by your mutual
courage, perseverance, and determination to make it happen.
Like the hero’s journey, you will expect to have obstacles you must overcome, unexpected
travails, and explorations into experiences you may have never known before. And you
will also reap the greatest reward.

Earned love is resilient, a flower coming up through the asphalt, face turned toward the
sun.

Just give it a reasonable amount of nurturing, and it’ll keep growing.

The partners in Heroic Relationships know that nothing is guaranteed, and that anything
worthwhile must be built over and over again as they learn more about each other’s
changing wants and needs. They use the past only for lessons, the present for profound
experience, and the future for the dreams of possibilities yet unknown.

All honest growth happens within each person’s own commitment. You cannot legislate
or control another’s path or destiny. The partners in great relationships live in parallel to
a chosen, constantly redefined path of mutual desire and aspiration. They are in each
other’s lives to make certain that each of them has every possible chance to grow past
whatever personal limitations may arise and to embrace that potential. The credo is to live
an authentic life in the presence of your beloved.

The relationship transforms over time, and the partners within it stay connected and
realistic in what they can provide for each other as their life stages re-create the
relationship. They commit to an up-to-date, honest, open, and mutually respecting union
that is based on the constant re-evaluation of currently chosen values. They realize
that promises of a permanently perfect future can only be fantasy, but their present
commitment is solid. What you can count on is the everlasting commitment to positive
change. The exquisiteness of an authentic present defines the future.

Heroic love is attainable, but the notion of forever romantic love must be relinquished
for it to be born. There may be a scary gap between letting go of what we have always
believed was the core of love and the creation of real intimacy.

It is like being on a trapeze and letting go when you cannot yet see where you must leap.
You have the choice of staying forever in what you know hasn’t worked, or free-falling and
having the faith that where you will ultimately land will be infinitely better than anything
you’ve ever known.
 About Dr. Randi Gunther

You cannot change what you are unwilling to see.

There is a deep longing within each and every one of us to

mean something to a special someone – to feel that they will
never exile us from their heart.

I call it “treasured belonging.”

At your core, you want to know that someone else’s life

would be greatly diminished without you.

It’s a yearning as natural and deep as the urge to breathe. This yearning is what drives us
to find a partner and feel the euphoria of falling in love when we finally do.

And it’s this same yearning that compels us to work hard to save our relationships when
they are in trouble.

But if this yearning is so powerful, why do we keep stumbling in love? Why can it be so
hard to find a partner to share your life with, and why can that same love, once found,
often seem to slip away?

The answer is that we often look at love through a distorted lens. And until we see what’s
really there, we’ll never learn how to create it and keep it alive.

That’s where I can help.

As a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California for over
40 years, I’ve spent over 100,000 hours face-to-face with individuals and couples just like
you.

Through my private counseling, workshops, and lectures, I’ve helped thousands to

understand their relationships in entirely new ways.

I’ve also helped them see that every relationship is a deal, and that nobody lasts if that
deal goes bad. The creation of a long-lasting, wonderful relationship is not automatic or
easy. Like any other important commitment, it can only continue paying dividends with a
continuous re-investment of time, energy, and devotion.
In short, as much as you want to feel that “treasured belonging,” you also have the
responsibility to keep becoming the kind of person who will inspire treasuring – through
constant personal evolution.

This is what it means to love like a hero – a fierce commitment to your own personal growth
and to that of your partner. I’ll teach you the skills and values successful couples practice
that ensure their love will continue to regenerate.

It’s the only way my own marriage has flourished for over 50 years. My husband and I met
when we were in our teens, yet I feel like I’ve been married to 14 different men – each time
I thought I had mastered who he was, he transformed into someone I wanted to discover
again.

I look forward to taking you by the hand, showing you the view from above, and watching
your own heroic love journey unfold.

With much love,

Randi Gunther