Getting Into Marriage

David:

Marriage is not a myth, neither is it magic. Marriage is a relationship that is to be entered into consciously. You don’t wake up one morning and find
somebody by your side. That happened last in the garden of Eden. After the incident in the garden of Eden, God’s new rule for marriage is:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.
Proverbs 18:22

“Whoso findeth…”, not, “Whoso prayeth…”, “Whoso fasteth”, or “Whoso his father or mother giveth a wife”.

Every man must find his wife, and the finding is not a spiritual process. You must open your physical eyes wide in order to find. That way, you are able to
assess what you are seeing, whether it is what you really want or not.

In this chapter, I will be discussing seven steps to getting into marriage. They are steps I also went through when I was getting into marriage. To get the best
in anything, you need facts, which I consider as the father of success.

The steps are – Propose, Prepare, Proceed, Promote, Protect, Protest and Possess. They will help you make an intelligent decision on who to marry.

Propose

The journey into marriage begins with a proposal. It requires your walking up to the lady you have chosen to marry (out of the many you saw), and telling
her that you want to marry her. You shouldn’t beat around the bush or harass her when telling her you want to marry her.

All you need do is go straight to the point and tell her your intentions. You may say to her, “I want your hand in marriage. Think about it and let me know
your decision.” Don’t go telling a lady, “God said you are my wife.” Each one shall find his own wife, and by himself.
Your proposal must be as a result of your choice, which was based on facts. Don’t allow religion to cloud your decision on who to marry. What should
inform your choice of who to marry is, “Do I agree with her personality, style and outlook?”

Amos 3:3 says: Can two walk together, except they be agreed?

Your decision on who to marry should not be based on dreams either. A marriage proposal must be based on articulated facts, such as, “Do we have the same
goals?” “Are we going in the same direction?” God respects your choice, so don’t be afraid to make one.

However, it is not only the man that has a right to make choices; the woman also has a right to decide who she wants to marry. So, don’t put pressure on
people to marry you, neither should you gather people around an innocent lady, to put pressure on her to agree to marry you.

Also, when trying to decide who to marry, never choose to marry an unbeliever, no matter the vision, dream or counsel. The Abrahamic covenant demands
that you marry among your kinsmen only. As a believer, your kinsman is a fellow believer. You are not permitted to marry a stranger. Do not ever think that
someday she might be saved. It is easier for an unbeliever to make you backslide, than for you to save her.

Second Corinthians 6:14-16 commands:

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with
darkness?

And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?

And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God…

The unbeliever is definitely out of the way when considering who to marry. You don’t even need to pray about it.

Proposal should be based on facts, and when the response from the other party is positive, then preparation begins.

Preparation
This is a fact-finding period, when the man and lady starts getting to know themselves, and begin to put their facts together into the future they both
anticipate.

If at this stage the relationship is not going on well, or you discover that you can’t go any further because you both disagree on ideas, and that your
expectations are miles apart, then common sense demands that you call it quits immediately.

Breaking an engagement is scripturally permitted; it is not considered as a divorce and should not be mistaken for one. Saying “Yes” to a marriage proposal
is different from saying “Yes” in actual marriage. Many tolerate themselves during their engagement period and eventually get married, and thereafter enter
into crisis.

The quality of preparation you put into any given task determines the quality of result you get from it. Lack of adequate preparation is the reason for the high
rate of divorce in America and the rest of the western world. They marry very quickly and pack it up just as fast too.

A period of preparation is allowed in the African culture. But unfortunately, when once you are engaged in Africa, marriage is in most cases mandatory.
Once both families get to know themselves, an attempt to call off the relationship is often resisted by members of either families.

Some families would say they have already accepted kolanuts (a traditional symbol of acceptance in marriage) from the other Family, so it is impossible to
break the relationship. Young men and women, please don’t allow anybody to tie your destiny down with simple Kolanut.

The preparation for marriage is not in prayers, but in fact-finding and in an intelligent analysis of available facts, to determine whether there is any future in
the decision to marry. My preparation for marriage took six years, but its effect is speaking now. My wife knew all about what I was doing when we were in
courtship, so she knew what to expect in future.

Once your preparation is satisfactory, you move on to the next step.

Proceed

It is at this stage you proceed to inform all those who need to be informed, such as both parents and Family members. You are not permitted to proceed until
you are satisfied with the available facts.
Promote

At this point, you start promoting the plan for marriage. You begin to take practical steps towards getting married by putting the necessary things for
marriage in place.

For instance, as a man, you can’t be a squatter and want to be married. This period of promoting the relationship is, therefore, the time to secure an
apartment, no matter the size.

If three of you were sharing a flat before you got married, things can’t continue like that after marriage, otherwise, what you will have would be a slave, not a
wife. She will have to do all the cooking and laundry for both you and all the young men in the house.

Also, as long as you are living in your father’s or uncle’s boys’ quarters, you are still a boy. One room outside your uncle’s house makes a home, unlike a
boys’ quarters behind his house. So, a man that wants to marry must have a place where he can be a man, not where he is still considered as a boy.

You are not qualified for marriage if you are still eating your father’s food. If you don’t have a room, a bed and cooking pots, then you are not qualified for
marriage. Age is not what determines your preparedness for marriage. What you have not prepared for, you can’t succeed in.

Protect

Now that you are set for marriage, you must protect your destiny by protecting yourselves from defilement. The honour in marriage must be preserved by
preserving the marriage bed from defilement.

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
Hebrews 13:4

Marriage is honourable, as long as the bed is not defiled. Defilement of bed is the defilement of marital destiny. It takes the mercy of God to restore the
honour in marriage once it is defiled.
Temptation is not equal to sin. Falling into temptation is what is termed sin. Jesus was tempted at all points, just as we are, yet He was without sin. You take
cover under God in prayers and then take practical steps to protect yourself from falling. Protection is very crucial to your desired future.

Protest

This is the time to say “no” to any unpleasant or unacceptable issue you may have discovered in each other. If you can’t understand yourselves well before
you get married and start living together, you will never have an outstanding Family. You need to know what goes well with one another, and courtship
period is the time to do it.

For instance, if you had earlier agreed on certain terms and then suddenly there is a deviation from it, you are allowed to react. This protest will help put the
issues right, so that when the home is eventually established, there will be freedom and a free flow of communication between you.

Also, if any of the spouse’s Family members raise some issues that can jeopardize your future, you are permitted to protest. You have the right to say, “This
won’t work, on so and so basis.”

When I was about to marry, certain things were included on the list of things I was to bring as the bride price. I knew I couldn’t take those things there. I
would rather never be married than present those things, because of my stand for God and my future. I knew I loved my wife to be and that we were looking
forward to getting married, but I loved my God more.

When I got the list, I didn’t respond. Then one day, my in-laws said to me, “We sent so and so paper to you and you didn’t respond.” God gave me wisdom
to reply them, and I said, “You see, there were certain things on the list, that if we get involved in them now, we would become problems to you tomorrow.”
My father-in-law agreed with me and said, “Cancel whatever is against your future on the list.”

You can’t be a boy and succeed in marriage. You must be a man with respectable opinions. But if people have to buy wedding suit and shirts for you, then
they will have the final say in your marital affairs.

Possess
After all the above is accomplished, the next thing to do is to possess your husband or wife, and then the home is born. This is the point where you both
march to the altar to be wedded. It is at this point that the young man can now stand in front of many witnesses and say, “I, Victor… I, Samuel… wed thee.”

At this stage, the man is set for his home. He is set mentally; he is satisfied with everything about the lady. Physically, he is in order, and the system to make
the home succeed is in place. He is leaving boyhood for manhood, as marriage is not for boys, but only for men.

At this point you can be sure that a great future awaits you in your home and that you are heading for something very colourful and glorious. The race is not
permitted to begin until after these steps are satisfactorily in place. And if you are absolutely responsible for your choice, then you won’t look for someone to
blame.

You will not fail! Your home shall be the haven God created it to be, in Jesus’ name!