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Let’s Talk: The 3 strategies to master interpersonal communication

Paz Oshran

Copyright © 2020 Paz Oshran

All rights reserved; No parts of this book may be reproduced or

transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or
mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by
any information retrieval system, without the permission, in
writing, of the author.

Translation from the Hebrew by Tal Orbach

Contact: paz@[Link]
 Contents

Disclaimer
Thank You
About the Author
Forward
How will you make the most from this book?
Why did I write this book and what was the starting point?
Setting Our First Goal
The Stages of Learning
The Basics of Interpersonal Communication
Communication Styles
Sharpening Your Senses
The Art of Interpersonal Chemistry
Becoming an Interesting Person
Love People and Go Meet Them
A New Approach Toward People
Maintain Eye Contact
How to Get People to Like You in Four Seconds

The Conversation Model – Three Stages

The Reason your Conversations Are Currently “Stuck”
The Conversation Model
First Stage – Opener
Second Stage – Deepener
Third Stage – Advancement
Examples
Final Words
Want More?
 Disclaimer

The book you are holding is a manual for developing your social
skills. Its goal is to give you the knowledge and skills necessary for
the creation of deep and significant relationships in your life. Your
success depends on the level of your investment in the tasks that
are included in this book. The book is not a substitute for
psychological therapy or professional counseling. At times, social
issues are merely a symptom of a deeper problem. In such cases, it
is advised to seek the help of a suitable professional and not to rely
solely on reading this book and implementing its contents. A deeper
problem may also stem from emotional issues, deep emotional
residue due to trauma or faulty habits, and behavioral patterns which
may have been part of your life for many years. While this book can
help you greatly in creating social connections and forming pleasant
and natural surroundings for yourself, it is advisable to make sure
that the aspiration of creating a wide social circle does not stem from
a need to “escape” from your real life. A suitable professional can
help solve deep issues, making sure that the end result is not merely
a “Band-Aid,” but rather, a fundamental and real change, which will
allow you to enjoy all areas of your life, including the highest quality
of personal and social experience.
Though the model presented in this book is very powerful, the
right thing to do in preparation is to first prepare the groundwork, by
creating a deeper change. This is also what I did in my clinic, with
clients who suffered from low self-esteem or loneliness. Only after a
few sessions of an empowering therapeutic process, which led to
deep emotional transformation, and sometimes even to overcoming
past trauma, could we start using the model presented in this book.
 Thank You

First and foremost, I would like to thank you, the reader, for
purchasing my book. It is the embodiment of my dream – a dream,
which is not only the publishing of the book itself, but rather the
desire to assist people everywhere. In reading my book, you grant
me the privilege of bringing you to a more amazing place in life, and
for this I thank you. My list of acknowledgements is long enough to
fill an entire book. For this reason, I will keep it short, and just thank
you: those who help me make this place better and the people who
live in it happier.
Secondly, I would like to thank those who provided a supportive
environment for me: Thanks to my amazing parents; thanks to Elinor,
my life partner, the tailwind that keeps me moving; and a huge
thanks to the thousands of clients who allowed me to help them,
because through the process of helping my clients, I, too, learned.
The questions and the difficulties which they presented and which
seemed insurmountable at first, forced me to search for the answers
myself. This process of continuous search led to discovery, and to
the creation of a structured, effective and applicable model, and is
the reason for this book being published. Every client whose problem
was solved serves as testimony that the model in this book is
effective and applicable, a fact that inspired me with confidence and
strengthened my sense of mission and my belief that the model
works very effectively.
 About the Author

Paz Oshran is an NLP1 and hypnosis Master and certified instructor.

He was trained by the world’s greatest teachers, among which were
Tony Robinson, Richard Bandler (creator of the NLP method), Drs.
Tad and Adriana James, Robert Dilts, and many other pioneers of
ground-braking thinking.
Paz Oshran gives courses, lectures and workshops in Israel and
around the world. He started the NLP course at the Broshim campus
of Tel Aviv University, and he runs a private clinic in Rishon LeZion.
Although he mainly focuses on therapy and helping people, he also
writes speeches for the Israeli Parliament and works with members
of the parliament on subliminal messages and advanced
communication techniques.
One of the most impressive qualities he possesses is the ability to
understand groundbreaking thought patterns, to break them down to
simple actions which make significant changes, and thus, to develop
clear and applicable techniques.
Paz has been lecturing and treating people since 2004, and each
year he continues to learn, stay up-to-date and develop amazing
techniques which improve the lives of thousands of people.
He is approached by for consultations regarding communication −
from young people who struggle finding romantic partners or who
want to freshen up their social circles, through to those who feel
lonely, no matter how many people they have around them, and to
those who are coping with depression, anxiety, fear, closedness and
shyness.
 Forward

In 2007, I hosted a counselling radio show on the Kol Israel station. I

shared important knowledge with the listeners, and they would call
and ask questions about the topics that touched them. I enjoyed
helping people back then as well, only I wasn’t yet focused on the
mental field and on human thought patterns. At the time, I was
finishing my Chinese medicine studies and was helping people with
health issues also. One concern for any radio show host is rating.
For listeners, changing stations is very easy – it happens with the
click of a button. For listeners to wander off to the next station, there
is reason enough if the conversation is not interesting, the song is
not right, or the commercials go on for too long. Those were factors I
could control, but there were others which I could not, such as
listeners who called in and were simply boring. They would request
to ask a question, but instead of offering a question, they told a long
and tedious story in a slow, disorganized manner.
I, as the host, had the responsibility of finding a way to maintain
the interest of the other listeners, who were waiting for the question
at the end of the story, hoping that it will be interesting and that the
answer will also meet the expectations – that it was worth the wait. If
you cannot keep a person interested in your everyday life, it happens
and that’s OK. But when it is a radio show with tens of thousands of
listeners, the responsibility is somewhat greater.
That was when I realized that we are measured by our ability to
fascinate others – to make them want to listen to us, and even to
want more quality time with us.
 Welcome to an immensely fascinating journey. I am glad that you
bought this book, and that with it, you will partake in this journey. You
are really going to acquire one of the most important skills in life –
understanding people, connecting with people, “reading” people, and
surrounding yourself with high-quality people, just like you.

So where is the problem?

First, let me reassure you – the problem isn’t you. It’s not like you
were born with something flawed about you. The real problem lies in
the basic education which you did not get – the absence of social
skills education in curricula. Think about what you learned in school:
Bible, history, biology and chemistry. But has anyone ever taught you
interpersonal chemistry? Has anyone ever attended body-language
literacy class? Maybe you have heard of schools that teach classes
in persuasion, or self-expression?
Mind you, self-expression classes are not the same as writing
classes, because in writing classes you learn to draw up stories in
writing at a high level, but this does not guarantee that you will be
able to verbally explain what’s on your mind when you are standing
in front of the boss at work, or in front of a friend who has let you
down.
At first, it may seem like a very regular skill − banal even. Why
would anyone study how to talk? Or how to get to know people? I
asked the exact same question when I learned that classes for
running existed. Because that, too, is a regular skill. Is there anyone
who doesn’t know how to run? What is there to learn there? And if I
come to such a class – what would I learn? That people can walk,
and even walk quickly, but they are clueless as to how to run? That
probably wasn’t it. Learning how to run is all about raising our
existing running skills to a higher level and reaching places which we
never knew existed. This is exactly how interpersonal
communication works. Our goal is to strengthen the interpersonal
skills, and to raise them to a higher level. After all, we cannot not
communicate, seeing as even lack of communication is
communication, in much the same way that not deciding is a
decision in and of its own. In every letter we write, in every request,
in every encounter and in every day, we find ourselves using speech
and conversation skills. If this is such a highly-needed skill, why
would we not strive to elevate it to new heights? Why should we give
up the opportunity to improve our quality of life? We shouldn’t!

These days, we are witnessing an era in which direct interpersonal

communication is in decline. We spend most of our time in front of
screens and technology, communicating via texts on cellular
telephones and email on the internet. This conduct has led to the
decay in the ability to really touch people’s hearts and read them –
beyond the words. When we communicate through a screen, we
miss the entire spectrum of body language signals. In emails and in
texts, we are losing the ability to identify the emotion and the sound
of the words – the intonation. And so, the quality of communication is
diminished, and we are losing the ability to convey a message that
will sweep others.
I remember, being a child before SMS and WhatsApp were born,
that to call a friend to come downstairs, we had to yell at their
window. The noise would cause the neighbors to come out, too, but
there was no other way. These days, there are far more options,
which is a significant advantage. The downside, however, is that we
have forgone the ability to talk and communicate in an intimate and
personal manner.
This book will teach you simple and gradual steps, which you can
implement step by step in your way to becoming a “social magnet.”

The outcomes at which I aim:

That you will not find yourself alone on Saturday night.

That you will be surrounded with high-quality people even
when arriving at a new place, with completely new people,
whom you do not know.
That your phone book will contain dozens or even hundreds
of people, all of whom are willing to help you at any time.
That you will be able to conduct in-depth conversations.
That you will be able to enjoy any social situation, including
dates and meetings with your partner’s parents.
That your friends will be real friends, whom you have
chosen, and not as a default.
That you will be able to influence people and motivate them
to join you in your quests.
That you will know how to communicate and explain
whatever is on your mind.
And that you will know how to decipher people, before they
even speak.

So, if you are ready, we may begin.

 How will you make the most
from this book?

This whole book is like a puzzle, whose parts will come together as
you read it. The process of reading this book will be similar to a
situation in which you see pieces of a puzzle and do not yet
understand how they might form one picture together. But as you
bring one piece to another, and then another, the complete image is
slowly revealed.
It is possible that some of the things you will learn here will seem
clear and even obvious − “What? This is common knowledge! Who
doesn’t know these things?!?” −while someone else might find the
exact same part to be innovative and enlightening. It is quite likely
that each reader will have a different starting point. This is
insignificant for me, as the aim is to help everyone reach the highest
level, even if this means that I might say things that are known, or
that you might have to be patient.
Let’s all acknowledge the fact that the title of this book is
somewhat grandiose − spellbinding, even. How to become a Social
Magnet? – “A magnet? Really, Paz? I will draw friends and people
into my life, like a magnet?” The answer is “YES!” − it is completely
possible. When you walk into a place with new people whom you do
not know – a work party, a friend’s housewarming or any event
where you’d normally feel out of your element, you will feel and act
differently. You will find yourself surrounded by high-quality people,
just like you, who will even want to stay in touch. Will it all happen
tomorrow? Probably not. Will it be easy and simple? Also unlikely.
What then? It will be a gradual process, during which, it will not
always be clear how the “unrelated puzzle pieces” come together to
form a full picture of new magnetizing capabilities, but as the reading
progresses, the picture will be complete and you will achieve full
control of this very important social skill.
For that to happen, you will need to exert patience, perseverance
and determination to complete the tasks you are given. Yes, this
book includes practice tasks which will allow you to make this skill a
part of yourself. You are about to develop an important new skill. I
want to stress – this is not about knowledge; it is about skills. The
difference between knowledge and skill is significant, yet simple.
Knowledge – you either have it or you don’t. If I asked you, “When
did the Second World War start?”, you would either know the answer
or you wouldn’t. As for skills – it’s not so black- and-white, there are
many shades of gray on the scale. It’s like asking, “Who can play the
guitar?” One person might just know a few chords, while another
might know all of them. The next level would be scales, and then
absolute hearing, and so on. Even if I knew which strings on the
guitar I needed to strum, it would still not make me a good player,
because one also needs coordination, which is developed through
practice, and that is a skill.
What I ask of you is that you do not give up on yourself. It is very
easy to be in a passive place, to only read and understand but to go
on with the routine of our life, and the habits we had prior to reading
this book. There is not a doubt in my mind that you know such
people, who live with great discrepancies between what they know
and what they do. Don’t be that way. Apply the knowledge of the
strategies for the development of this skill, and express it in real life.
I recommend that you practice every one of this book’s tasks.
Performance doesn’t need to be perfect, definitely not on your first
attempt, but it is important that you commit to yourself that you act
and bring out the best in you, so that at the end of the book, when
you will have finished reading the last page, you will remember
where you started, and how far you’ve come.
Ready? We are going to develop a new and very important skill,
which will serve you in every aspect of your life. Do not settle for the
theoretical knowledge. Make sure you practice every one of the
tasks, and you will become a social magnet.
Good luck!
 Why did I write this book and what
was the star ng point?

I started my therapeutic path with Chinese medicine back in 2004. In

the course of my studies, I noticed a connection between thought
patterns and health problems. For instance, people who suffer from
problems in the digestive system cannot express themselves and
release what lies within them. Even language relates to this
connection between emotional expression and the digestive tract.
There is a reason why we have phrases like “butterflies in my belly”
or “don’t hold it in your stomach,” etc. But we were never taught how
to do it. How to express ourselves, how to talk and to explain what
burdens us from within, and how to change those behavioral
patterns. Through networking, connections and people I met along
the way, I heard of the field of NLP, which deals with interpersonal
communication at very advanced levels. After exploring the
workshops that were available in Israel, I decided to study this field
at its highest level. I started reading international books, and
eventually even flew to the source of the books themselves.
I was left with the question: “How does one keep living without it?”
It is incomprehensible to me that we are expected to be
communicative, social and conversational, without having actually
learned how to do it.
This subject is of such deep personal importance to me, because
I have witnessed the deep transformation it could create in life. Not
just the lives of my students and clients, who improved their level of
interpersonal communication, and as a result, their lives have
changed, but also my own life.
When I was a child, I did not have many friends, if any. I
remember feeling like a real outsider when I was in school. I was that
kid who was invited to the party because they felt bed not to invite
him, and not because they really wanted him there.
I also struggled finding a romantic relationship. In schools, there is
a competition between the teens, beneath the surface, in which they
tell about dates and relationships. I was not part of this competition –
it was simply not part of my world. I could not imagine myself starting
a relationship with a girl.
My self-confidence was also grass-high. It manifested in my
inability to say “stop” to those who would curse or cross the line. As
silence is easier to understand than acceptance, there were
moments when people actually took advantage of my silence. I didn’t
know how to value myself, so obviously − there was no reason for
the environment to know how to value me. “Speaking” was an action
which lay outside my comfort zone. I preferred to keep everything
bottled up, to let it simmer, even if it did mean I would end up “boiling
over” at somebody. To me, it was better than opening up and
criticizing someone.
The most unpleasant moments, to say the least, were school
trips, when we had to choose who we would share our rooms with.
Everyone would pick their friends, and I was in the “leftover’ room −
with those who couldn’t find anyone who wanted them as
roommates.
Though I did seek help, no one knew how to provide it. The
teachers who taught us also did not really know anything about
social skills, and my parents were the kind of people who were
happy just being by themselves. They lacked any social circles or
even people with whom they could share their lives, and whose
company they could enjoy. At the end of the day, I get it – they, too,
did not have a personal example. Their parents were also lacking in
communication skills, and had no friends. And so, a generation
raises another, without granting it this very basic skill. Clearly, one
cannot give what one does not have – as long as they did not
possess the ability to decipher social situations, they could not teach
it, or even serve as a personal example.
When I realized that the help would not come from my parents, I
also understood that the saying “it will be OK” is an illusion, because
it will not be OK. You cannot say this, if one generation raises the
next with missing skills. It was clear that I would not receive what my
parents lack, and I would not pass on to my children the skills which I
myself did not receive (though at this stage I did not believe I stood a
chance of finding a good partner who would want to start a family
with me). I reviewed the statement “it will be OK” throughout my
short life and felt how disconnected from reality it is. In kindergarten,
I wanted to grow up and start school. In elementary school, I just
wanted to get to junior high. Once there, I wanted to be in high
school, and in high school I just wanted to graduate. No moment was
the right moment. The “OK” was always in the future, and never here
and now.
I was not willing to be part of this cycle in hopes that someday “it
will be OK” somehow. I had to make the miracle happen and break
this closed circle –A generation with deficits raises a generation with
deficits. With no other choice, I started learning, reading, applying
and practicing by myself. I joined courses, workshops and lectures in
Israel and abroad, to get the knowledge which I did not receive, the
practice I was not performing and most importantly – the personal
example I did not witness. I received answers for some of my
questions. I had to find my own answers to others. I developed
detailed models, all of which you will find in this book, and I tested
them – not just on myself, but on others, who suffered from similar
symptoms of loneliness. I embraced the things which worked and
helped, and cast aside or improved the things that did not. Today, I
present you with the final version (as of now), in a clear, easy to
understand and easy to implement way.
After you learn how far you’ve come at acquiring these skills, don’t
keep this knowledge to yourself – pass it forward. Many people
crave this knowledge. I experience their pain as though it were my
own. I sometimes recognize a Little Paz in them, who is feeling alone
and unable to connect to people. Many people are like that.
Remember, it is enough that one person makes the change for them
to pass it on to their children, or at least – set a good example for
those around them.
We all deserve to love and to be loved!
We all deserve to be surrounded with high-quality people!
And of course – we all deserve to be content with our
relationships!
We deserve to at least get the knowledge of how to get there.
There is not a single reason to keep hoping that “it will be OK,” when
nothing changes. I did not find a single book/lecture/source of
knowledge which satisfied me in terms of developing my social skills.
I was not interested in tips or advice. I wanted a structured method
that is able to prove itself. This is why I decided to pick up the
gauntlet, study the issue in-depth, develop organized models and
spread them, in hopes that they will become available to school
children, students, parents and anyone who can set an example.
 There’s this inner voice that keeps reminding me that we deserve
more. These days, I have it all. Nothing is missing: I have an
amazing life partner, special friends, what I do is fulfilling for me, and
I spare nothing of myself. But there are others who want to reach a
satisfying place in life. And if I can guide them on their way there,
why would I hold back? There are so many systems and elements
these days which flood us with useless information which does not
allow us to stop and check: Did we develop the really important
skills?
Always remember! You deserve more. Don’t let anyone keep you
from developing, growing, and getting more.
 Se ng Our First Goal

Why did you buy this book?

To make sure you really make the most from this book, it is
important that you define for yourself what you want to accomplish.
Better put – what is the one thing that, if it happens to you, you will
know that this is the most meaningful book you’ve read on the
subject of social skills? You can write down anything that comes to
mind: romantic relationships, social circles, smooth and immediate
acquaintance with new people, etc. The clearer and more specific
you make the description, the greater your chance of getting there. If
you succeed in doing so, down to the situation level – your
subconscious will know where you are trying to get to, and help you
get there.
List the goals which you would want to achieve by reading this
book:
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
 The Stages of Learning

Learning how to develop social skills is stressful. Why? Because it’s

not as “comfortable” as the history lessons I experienced in school,
which did not require the use of skills such as analysis or drawing
conclusions, but rather, just the memorization of facts and events.
Why is that more comfortable? Because memorizing information
does not require deepening and a lot of practice. When acquiring
skills or abilities, however, there is also a need to train and practice
actions which will, in all likelihood, not be immediately successful,
and that makes it less comfortable. So allow me to prepare you for
the process which you are about to go through. You are going to
make mistakes or perform unsuccessful actions, and even try to start
conversations with people who will not express the least bit of
interest in you. It is important for me to prepare you for the worst,
even though this is not really how it will occur, so that you will be
ready for a practical learning process in which mistakes happen that
are not always pleasant experiences. The goal of the process is not
to keep you in your comfort zone and make you feel good, though it
is likely that the process will be enjoyable. The goal of the process is
to develop your social skill to a particularly high level. Think of it as
boot camp – the harder you practice, the easier the combat will be.
At the end of the process, you will come out stronger.

The first stage is called “Unconscious Incompetence” – At this

stage you are lacking a certain skill, and you are not even aware of
the existence of such a skill. We can compare it to the state in your
childhood when you would see cars outside, but you were not aware
of the existence of a skill called driving. In the same way, some of
the skills which you will learn here are not familiar to you. You did not
know of their existence, and this is also why you never developed
them within yourself.

The second stage is called “Conscious Incompetence” – At this

stage you understand that a certain skill exists and you do not
possess it. If we stick with the image from when you were a child –
this is the stage in which you went into the car and saw mom or dad
driving – seeing them drive, you understood that they possess an
ability which you don’t. They are operating this big thing called “a
car” in a way which you would not be able to. In this book, also, after
I will have presented you with skills which you never knew existed,
you will notice you have not developed those abilities, and you will
be able to consciously notice that you do not have them.

The third stage is called “Conscious Competence” – At this

stage you have decided that you are fed up with not having that
important skill and you have decided to learn it, but it is not as simple
as you may have thought. To go back to the example above – you
decided to learn how to drive, but you cannot do it with the same
ease as Dad, because at first, you find yourself consciously thinking
about everything you “have to” do. Performance isn’t as automatic as
it will be in the future. I remember that when I was learning how to
drive, I was sure that the driving teacher was playing jokes on me.
The car I learned to drive with was not automatic, but rather a stick
shift and it made no sense to me. The car had three peddles, and I
only have two feet. On top of all that, I had to cope with a barrage of
instructions: “Both hands on the steering wheel!” “Clutch down and
change to first.” “Look in the mirror before switching lanes!” “Signal.”
“Listen to the engine – it needs to be in second. Clutch first, then,
after you switch gears, slowly take your foot off the clutch.” Wow!
That was too much for me. And it was even harder when the teacher
started talking to me while I was trying to perform a million tasks.
“So, what are you up to? What do you do in life?” That was really too
much. It was hard for me because the skill of driving wasn’t as
automatic as it was for Dad. The sequence of actions was performed
very consciously. I paid attention to every action, and made sure I
wasn’t missing anything. This book takes into account the same
process. When acquiring the very effective and practical ways to
improve your social skills, you will feel that performance at every
stage is too conscious and unnatural. That’s OK. It’s just a phase.
Think for a moment about this feeling: “This is not natural for me.”
What does “natural” mean? When you started learning how to drive,
was it natural in the first lesson already? No! Everything is unnatural
at first, because if it were natural, it would not have been new. This is
the essence of something new – it takes us out from our comfort
zone.

The third stage is called “Unconscious Competence” – After

passing through the “unnatural” phase, after having practiced it many
times, you get to the stage in which it feels natural, and it’s easy, and
you’re not thinking about it. To continue with the childhood metaphor,
at this stage you can drive and have a conversation at the same
time, with ease, without thinking, without checking, and without
analyzing. The action just flows freely and loosely. At the end of the
day – this is where you’ll get to after reading the book and practicing
the tasks.

The last stage is “Unconscious Conscious Competence” – This

stage is not in the book. For general knowledge, this is the stage
where you are able to do everything in an unconscious, free and
liberated way, but also in a conscious way so that you can teach
others. In this book, I will not teach you how to teach others. This is a
stage which I teach in courses, and it requires a lot more attention.
However, it is inevitable that, with regard to some of the skills, you
will reach this stage in which you will be able to also teach, because
the model is presented in this book in a simple and clear manner.
The Basics of Interpersonal Communica on

Communication Styles
Communication style is one of the most important parts of a
conversation, and it’s about time we became aware of this issue. If
you look around and listen to the way people communicate, you will
find that each individual has a unique communication style of their
own: pace, unique body language, and even choice of words
changes from one person to another, even though the message
remains the same. The unique language every person has is their
communication style.
As though this is not enough, every person also has a style to
which they personally connect better. Why do you think you feel
connected to some people more than you do to others?
When people say they have a connection or chemistry with those
around them, they are actually saying which communication styles
they find it easy to connect to (we will discuss this at length in the
chapter on rapport).
People who speak and move very quickly will find it difficult to
connect with those who speak and move slowly. These are two
communication styles that don’t really connect. What does this have
to do with us?
If you want to leverage your communication competence to a
higher level, you have to add more communication styles to your
arsenal. If you are the kind of person who speaks quickly, you will
probably not connect with those who speak slowly, and so, you have
taken away about half the people you could have had a connection
with. On the other hand, if you could communicate with both styles,
you could double the amount of people you can form a connection
with.
The more communication styles you can communicate in, the
higher the level of skill you will set for yourself.
If a voice echoes in your head asking, “Wait a minute Paz. You
want me to be someone I’m not?” then the answer is no, because
I’m not taking away who you are. Your own unique style of
communication will remain yours. What I’m asking you to do is just to
add more styles. I realize that a fast talker can speak slowly, if they
really work on it, but they will feel discomfort doing so. When I say
“add communication styles,” I mean that you will be able to feel
comfortable and natural also with styles that are not identified with
you.
It is very easy to fall into the comfort zone trap, which explains to
us very logically that “we should love and accept ourselves the way
we are, and if someone has a problem with it – they can go look for
other people.” Don’t worry. You will stay who you are, but just pick up
new “languages.”
Using the metaphor of learning languages, if you can only speak
Hebrew, your target audience in Israel is about six million people. If
the whole world has roughly 14 million Jews, you can add another 6-
7 million people you can communicate with. But if you can also
communicate in English, the number of people you can
communicate with goes up to hundreds of millions. What happens if
you can also speak Chinese? The number goes into the billions…
and so on.
Communication style is a language. We aim to add more
languages so we can connect with more people.
 For instance, if you can speak quickly – you will be able to speak
slowly too, and if you speak slowly – you will practice speaking
quickly. This is the only way you will really have choices. A person
who can only speak quickly does not really have a choice: they
speak quickly all the time. But a person who is skilled at
communicating both quickly and slowly has real choice. They can
choose which is the right place and time to speak slowly (e.g. with
new immigrants or perhaps in the library), and when it would be
appropriate to communicate quickly (for example, when trying to sell
to impatient people).
In the course of this book, I will review different kinds of
communication styles. This is where you choose to which extent you
want to broaden your communication styles and how far you want to
go with your acquisition of interpersonal skills.
It is undoubtedly easier to remain in your comfort zone with the
same habits, the same actions, and the same perceptions. But to get
new results, you have to take new actions. Anything you’ll ever want
to accomplish is outside your comfort zone (stands to reason,
because if it were inside your comfort zone, you would have already
had it).
Choose to enjoy stepping outside your comfort zone, because
that is what develops you and makes you more than you are today.
Don’t spare yourself the option to become your best version.
In the next chapter we will learn one of the most important skills
for the development of interpersonal communication – the ability to
receive information.

Sharpening Your Senses

People often come to me with questions like: “Paz, what can I say to
someone who…” In asking such questions, they are missing an
important point. Interpersonal communication is not all about how to
talk. It is about how to communicate. The difference between talking
and communicating is that when talking, we just spurt out
information, whereas when communicating, we also respond to
information which we receive. It may seem trivial, but most people
don’t know how to receive information, meaning – how to notice
important details such as facial expressions, body language and
information that’s hidden between the lines.
I wish to clarify that having the ability to notice the small details
does not mean dealing with the marginal and the unimportant; it just
means noticing the subtle nuances and responding accordingly. It is
not always appropriate to respond to the entire message as it is
conveyed, just like it is sometimes appropriate to respond to small
nuance. As for the appropriate response, or what to do with the
information we get, I will deal with that later. For the time being, we
want to sharpen our senses.
So, how will you sharpen your senses so you’ll notice the small
details?
We have two senses which are important to sharpen: The sense
of vision, so we can notice micro-expressions and micro-muscles,
which are small non-voluntary muscles which could relay important
information about the person before us, and the sense of hearing,
which will help us notice differences in voice and intonation. For your
general knowledge, I will add that we can later sharpen other senses
too, such as touch and intuition.

Sharpening Your Sense of Vision

You know those “find the difference” games? This is an excellent
game that makes you pay attention to the small details, and in doing
so, sharpens your sense of vision. You can play these online, in
newspapers or books, or even with people. Just take people who will
play along. Look at them, close your eyes, and tell them to change
something about themselves. After they have changed something,
open your eyes and try to find the changes. You can raise the
difficulty level by smaller and subtler changes, such as a small fold of
the sleeve, or even moving the eyes in another direction. The better
able you become at noticing the smaller differences, the sharper
your sense of vision will be.

Sharpening Your Sense of Hearing

It is also possible to sharpen your sense hearing using games. The
first game is something you can play with anyone, even with a four
year old. You download an organ app, your partner presses one of
the keys, and you have to find which key it was. You will have to pay
attention to the differences between the sounds, and to remember
what the first sound was.
Another simple game is to have a person sit in front of you and
count from 1 to 10 while thinking about a person they love. Then
have them count again, from 1 to 10, this time thinking about
someone they dislike or even hate, if possible, or someone they like
the least or are angry with. The third time they count from 1 to 10,
they should not tell you who they are thinking about, whether the
person they love or the one they dislike. You will have to find out by
yourself. Of course, if your senses are not sharp enough, and you
haven’t noticed the difference between the first and the second
count, have them do it again and again, until you have noticed the
differences. Only then can you move on to the identification stage.

Tasks
Sharpen your sense of vision and your sense of hearing using these
exercises. Please note that to be able to practice these exercises,
you’ll have to find a suitable partner to practice with. It can be
anyone who would be glad to cooperate with you, a parent, a friend
or someone you found online who also happens to be reading this
book. The more you practice, the better you’ll become. The more
you practice with people who are different from one another, the
better quality your communication will become.
In the next chapter we will learn why we feel we have chemistry
with certain people whereas we don’t connect with others, and how
we can turn into people who can create interpersonal chemistry with
any person we choose.

The Art of Interpersonal Chemistry

Rapport – Connection, Attachment, Chemistry between
Individuals
How does one create chemistry with one’s peers? Most people think
it is something that’s either there or not there. When I ask students
and patients after failed dates why it didn’t work out, for the most
part, I get the same answer: “We had no chemistry.” This sentence is
inherently wrong, because chemistry is not something that “is,” it is
something that is created. The problem stems from the fact that we
never learned how to create connection. Even in school, when you
study “chemistry,” you learn about the connection of matter, not
people. So the time has come to learn how to create chemistry
between people. Of course, there are those who do so naturally, and
to whom it happens unconsciously.
This technique is taken from the world of NLP. NLP is a very
advanced system for changing automatic thought, emotion and
behavior. Unlike psychology, which covers the pathologies of human
behavior and the mental processes which humans are subject to,
NLP is the study of success. For example, instead of asking a
person who does not succeed in connecting with others why they do
not connect with people, it is better to learn from those who do
succeed, and to understand the gap between the two, to teach that
person how to reach the same result.
Part of developing this method meant studying the secrets of
interpersonal chemistry. During the research, it was discovered that
people who have a connection also share similarities. They sit the
same way and they talk in a similar style and at the same speed. So
researchers said, “OK, let’s see what happens if we equate those
components. We wonder if it will affect the chemistry.” As it turns out,
it really does work. They discovered how easy it was to create
interpersonal chemistry when body language, pace and even
language are adjusted. Moreover, they found that people who have
chemistry between them even have identical brainwaves.2 There is a
reason why phrases like, “We are not on the same wavelength” are
so common. It sounds reasonable. It is the way to tell the
subconscious, “I am like you. You and I are part of the same group. I
am not your stranger.” This happens to us every day. Imagine
meeting someone from your country while you’re traveling abroad. If
they ask for your help, you’ll be happy to assist, much more than if
they would have asked for the same help back home. If they tell you
they were in your fraternity in college, you would immediately feel
closer to them. If this closeness can be created verbally, it can
probably also be created non-verbally. It’s just that instead of coming
up to people and telling them: “Hey, you and I are part of the same
group” – a sentence which may strike you as somewhat strange –
you could just adjust the non-verbal language, and in this way, tell
the subconscious that you are not a stranger.
Imagine a situation in which a really bummed out person is sitting
on a bench, and another person comes up to them all energetic and
starts talking to them. What happens next is quite expected – a great
connection is not going to come out from this. So, it is important that,
at least at first, one talks the same language. It is likely that those
who object to this technique will argue, “Wait, I want to stay true to
myself. I don’t need and don’t want to be anybody else!” Absolutely
not! Continue being yourself! Just use another language. In the
same way that you would not speak your local language to a tourist,
you will not use the same language with everyone.

Adjusting Components of Communication for the

Creation of Rapport

Body Language – The positions in which a person sits or stands.

Pace – Everybody has their own pace of movement. See that some
move more slowly, while others move and talk more quickly.
Intonation – The tones and the ways in which people “play” the
words. Every person has a different intonation – a different pitch
while they talk.

At a more advanced stage, one can also pay attention to respiratory

rhythm, blinking pace, hand gestures and facial expressions. At the
first stage, it is recommended to start with the three components
above.
Example: One day, a 40-year-old woman came into my clinic and
told me that the teachers in her daughter’s kindergarten thought she
was hysterical, as did most of the mothers in this kindergarten who
would get defensive when speaking to her. It turned out that her style
or tone of her speech was loud, fast and somewhat agitated. So I
taught her how to speak in calm and relaxed tones, move her body
slowly and adjust her body language, intonation and pace when she
talks to people. Within two months, she went from being the most
hysterical mother in the kindergarten to the most popular one – the
one that everyone loves and invites to gatherings. But this was not
the most magical and inspiring thing that had occurred, rather, the
change that her daughter underwent was. Before, the child was not
socially engaged with the other kids. Then, after having received
personal example at home, she also underwent amazing
transformation, and from being an outcast child with whom no one
wanted to socialize, she became a popular kid who draws a lot of
attention and receives affection from her peers.
Most people will interpret lack of rapport, or anything which isn’t in
sync with their pace, as hysteria or as lifelessness. In contrast,
developing conversational flexibility and adjusting the conversation
to a level in which it is possible to talk to every person in their own
pace and way will make us very popular.
Remember, you are not changing. You remain yourself. The only
thing that changes is the language in which you communicate.
Language is not just English, Spanish or Hebrew. Language can also
be non-verbal.

Tasks
For the following tasks you will need to find a partner to practice with.

1. Find a topic to discuss, preferably one which you are in

disagreement over, so that you will see that rapport can be
created regardless of opinions, and discuss it while creating
rapport, with adjustments of every possible component.
2. Find a topic to discuss, it could be something you are in
disagreement over, and discuss it with no rapport, creating
complete lack of adjustment in every possible component.

Notice the difference in the way you experience each one of these
tasks.
Good luck!

In the next chapter we will learn and understand the important

elements of magnetizing people, and will develop them.

Becoming an Interesting Person

What does your life look like – your everyday life? Let me explain the
question.
Let’s suppose that I invite you on a trip to Europe, with good
restaurants and some culture – museums, concerts and nightlife,
and even just chilling a bit. Would you come along? Probably. There
is a voyage here – an interesting trip that anyone would want to be a
part of. However, if I were to invite you to come with me on a long
journey to some small town in the middle of nowhere, to help me
move refrigerators, ovens and other heavy appliances, would you
join? It’s likely that if you said yes, it would only be because you
would feel bad saying no, or, in an extreme case, because you want
to help out, and not because it is really something that you would
want to do. Which begs the question: Why? What is the difference
between the two?
The difference is that the first option is a fascinating journey, while
the second is a heavy burden. How does this analogy help us? It
leads us to the next question: What does your life look like? A
journey, or a burden? Is your life active and interesting in a way that
anyone would be happy to take part in it, or is it a heavy burden that
you carry around every day?
What does this have to do with social connections? If you don’t
enjoy your life, why would anyone else want to join you and become
part of it? This is true for all social relationships, but in particular for
romantic ones. Would you want to be part of a life which is a heavy
burden?
If you want to surround yourself with people, and if you want that
those around you want to be a part of your life, you must see that
your daily life is a fascinating journey – one which would make you
wake up every morning with a smile and with happiness that another
day in your life is starting.
Where is the paradox? It is a chicken-and-egg scenario. Most
people create this equation in their head whereby, if they just add a
romantic partner or friends to their lives, they would be able to get up
every morning to a fascinating life. But to begin with, people would
not want to be part of a life that is experienced as a burden rather
than as a journey.
It is time to start reversing the equation. You do not need people
or partners for a fascinating life. You must build a rich life for
yourself, and thus, others will be magnetized to you.
So, how does one turn life into a fascinating, riveting journey?

1. Hobbies – Hobbies are those things you do that have no

connection to your work or your obligations, and they are
the things you would gladly pencil into your schedule if I
could give you a few days with no work and no
responsibility. The presence of hobbies in your agenda is
very important, because people with no hobbies are
perceived as people who don’t have a life. And not without
reason – after all, what do we live for, if not to enjoy
ourselves? Work is important, but it cannot fill our entire life.
Having hobbies is not a means to becoming an interesting
person, or to broaden your social circles. It is a means for
charging your soul, for filling yourself with enthusiasm about
doing the things you love. Ask yourself: How full of hobbies
is your life? If you have none – create some for yourself. It
could be an art: playing an instrument, singing or dancing; it
could be thinking, like chess; or a sport, like basketball or
even bowling. A hobby is something you enjoy doing, and if
you don’t have something like that which you enjoy doing,
your life seems like a heavy burden which no one would
want to join. Start having fun. Allow yourself to have fun,
because you deserve to have fun, and those around you
deserve to have fun. Because when you are having fun,
those around you join a journey, and not a burden.
2. Fields of Interest – What are you interested in? Are there
topics which intrigue you? Any field you find interesting
could be a topic for conversation. So, the more fields of
 interest you have, and the more people your interests
concern, the more interesting your life becomes. Create
some fields for yourself that will intrigue you, that will
fascinate you, that will encourage you to study and
investigate as much as you can. If the fields that interest
you are common to many people (like health, and unlike
archeology), it will be an excellent advantage.

In modern times, there is a problem when it comes to curiosity. We

group up at an age where our curiosity is discouraged. Have you
noticed how much curiosity children have? They can observe and
study every flower in the field and ask many good questions which
we no longer remember to check. The question is: Why does this
impulse of curiosity fade as we grow? Why does it have to be that
way? We can explain it rationally: Many parents exhibit impatience
toward the many questions pointed at them by their children, and
they prefer to avoid giving an answer. And in school, we were taught
to memorize and recite instead of developing our independent
thinking and ability to ask questions. So, our curiosity and our thirst
for knowledge have been discouraged. But must it be that way? Is
this the way we want to live our lives? It doesn’t seem so. It is time to
develop the ability to ask questions, and to bring back the once-
discouraged curiosity.
Curiosity is contagious. If you are the kind of person who is
interested in many topics, you will find that those around you are
magnetized to you and show interest and curiosity in everything that
interests you. Naturally, when we meet curios people, we are
interested by the things that interest them, in a subconscious desire
to feel that urge to learn, and that attraction to interest. When you
gain fields of interest, you will become the interesting person that
those around you want to get to know in hopes that some of it rubs
off on them.

1. Personal Challenges and Goals – Personal goals give the

drive for life and the strength to push through. People with
no goals are perceived as stuck behind, which makes
sense, because goals force us to look forward and motivate
us to move forward. Other than adding interest to your life
and making you stronger, personal goals and challenges
are also helpful from the social aspect. Once you have
personal goals and challenges, you are automatically
labeled as more interesting. Your specific choice of goals is
not something random. It is influenced by your view of the
world. So, stick to your beliefs and create your own personal
ambitions, goals and challenges.
2. Experiences – What experiences have you had in life?
When asking that, I do not mean the certificates or degrees
you have earned in your life, but the experiences you have
accumulated. Have you been abroad? Did you meet special
people? Did you have a funny mishap? Each of these
experiences is a story that people will be happy to hear,
especially if it is interesting.
These days, two main problems exist when it comes to
experiences. The first problem is that people do not create
experiences for themselves. Most people prefer to stay in
their comfort-zone – on the couch in front of the TV, with a
fairly expected routine. This is not the way to create new
experiences and interesting stories that can be told to
 others. The second problem is that people do not take the
time to pay attention to the beautiful, experiential moments
in their lives. These can, of course, be positive moments –
an accomplishment, a funny situation, an adventure – or it
can be something negative – a mishap, a mistake you’ve
made along the way. Each one of these events is a story,
and it builds your personal world of experiences. Interesting
people are full of stories and experiences. How can you be
an interesting person if you spend your entire life in your
comfort zone? What story can you tell the gang if your
routine has no change in it? What will be your answer if your
partner asks you how your day was? Add experiences,
allow yourself to step out of your comfort zone, dare,
experiment, experience and discover. This will enrich you at
the personal level and will make you more than you are
today.
3. Worldview – Do you have a political opinion? What do you
think of vegetarianism? What is the problem in polygamy?
Institutionalized prostitution: Are you for or against? What
do you think of cannabis? Nudism? If you were the leader of
your government, would you ban the sale of junk food to
children? Why? These are very interesting questions which
most people don’t think about and don’t rush to form an
opinion about. Why? Because these questions are not often
discussed at school, and the media also does not provide a
lot of space or tools to develop our independent thinking. It’s
easier to say “I don’t know,” or “I don’t really have an
opinion” – a response that is, you would agree, quite vanilla.
Let’s admit that it is rather scary forming an opinion on
 topics such as these, because what if someone suddenly
disagrees with you and you have to provide reasoning for
your opinion? That is frightening. When you say you have
no opinion, you are not making any commitments, and
others will probably not harass you about it. But, in reality,
you are painting yourself as a thoughtless robot – an image
that will stop people from making conversation with you. In
contrast, people will make interesting conversation with you
if they assume you have the basic capability to ask
questions and form opinions. Imagine that I would have you
meet someone who decided to adopt 14 kids. The common
perception is that most people would prefer raising their own
children, so, it is intriguing! We would automatically raise an
eyebrow, and many questions about this decision would
come up. Why did they decide to give up on having their
own kids despite being able to, and adopt so many
children?
Opinions, especially different ones, which are accompanied
with horizon-broadening explanations, will raise the interest
of those around you. And so, you should allow yourself to
form opinions. Don’t settle for “I have no idea.” Of course, it
is okay to make mistakes and change your opinion after
receiving satisfactory explanations about the other side of
things. In any event, a misguided opinion is better than no
opinion. Open up your world view and form opinions on
different topics. This move will significantly upgrade you.

The result of the recipe here is – an interesting person! There is no

necessity to implement all five ingredients, but of course, the more
the merrier. I recommend that you do not leave out any of the
ingredients. Each of these ingredients will turn you into an interesting
character to those around you.
Of course, don’t be someone you’re not – but be someone. You
don’t need to go salsa dancing if you’re not into that, or believe in
something you don’t really connect to. But make yourself interesting
by practicing hobbies and building a rich and fascinating inner world
which will magnetize high-quality individuals.

Tasks

1. Hobbies – choose at least three areas and work them into

your schedule. If you have no idea which hobby could be
right for you, just start experimenting. Learn an instrument,
and if that doesn’t do it for you, practice pool, and if that also
does not work, go to a cooking class, and if not – then
continue experimenting until you will have found at least
three hobbies that could interest you. When you’ve found
them, dedicate time to those hobbies. Don’t buy into the “I
have no time” excuse. If you need to, even give up on an
hour of sleep so you can make this important time for
yourself. It turns out that the happier we are in our everyday
life, the less sleep we need. So, a fun, interesting activity will
make you sleep less, and actually mean you have more free
time. It is very important to work these hobbies into your
schedule at set times, to ensure you participate consistently.
It is important to make sure that two weeks never go by
without spending an appropriate amount of time on all of
your hobbies.
 2. Fields of Interest – Find at least three fields that intrigue you
and that you would like to know more about. Dedicate at
least 15 minutes daily to each. For example, if the realm of
body language is of interest to you, make sure to spend 15
minutes reading on the subject, listening to lectures or
studying the subject in your own way.
3. Personal Challenges and Goals – Set at least five goals for
yourself: one goal for the next two months, another for the
next 6 months, a third for the coming year, and two more for
whatever time frame you choose. These goals can be
personal, like losing weight or quitting smoking, or they can
experiential: diving or travelling abroad. To achieve these
goals, you should perform at least one action, even if it’s
really minute, toward that goal each day.

Good luck!

In the next chapter we will examine the change in attitude we need

to make in order to become a social magnet.

Love People and Go Meet Them

Let’s start with the things you don’t do to become a social magnet:
You don’t stay stuck in your bedroom from morning until evening.
Sometimes, I don’t get how people with a “ping-pong routine” of
home-work-home can think they’d be able to meet people like that.
Your social circle will not be big if your schedule looks something
like: “Get up in the morning, go to work, come back home, watch a
movie or browse the web and go to sleep.”
 When people like that show up at my clinic, I wonder how exactly
they think they might expand their social circles. Will someone would
just knock on their door and say, “Hi, we’re here to get to know
you!?” People who have routines that are lacking in new experiences
and interpersonal interactions cannot expect to spend time with new
people on the weekend.
What can you do? Start loving people. I am sure most of you have
experienced pain/betrayal/disappointment from certain people, and
at times, you have felt that humanity is spitting in your face. But the
main question is: Do these feelings of frustration serve you well?
Probably not, which brings about a new question: Isn’t it time to let
the past sink and to turn over a new leaf? It is important to do that
because if you look around, you will see that people who love people
magnetize way more people. If you are full of anger and resentment
toward humanity (I am not talking about toward a specific individual,
but rather toward humankind as a whole), it will be hard for you to
love people. In this case, I recommend that you clean out those
negative emotions from your heart. There are countless ways to do
so. In my clinic I work with NLP. I can tell from experience that these
techniques are very helpful in cleaning out negative emotions. I am
sure there are other techniques and meditations you can find with an
easy online search. It’s true that it is more difficult to love people if
you haven’t had an emotional cleansing, but that does not make it
impossible. It is possible – it just requires more work and attention.
Once you start loving people and loving to talk to them, you will
have a much easier time connecting with them, and they will have an
easier time connecting with you because they will feel valued and
wanted, which will make them love having your presence around
them.
 What do you feel when you see new people? Are new people
something that’s best to stay away from, or an opportunity for a new
and intriguing acquaintance? Obviously, there are these and there
are those, but how do you perceive most people? If you imagine that
most of them wish you harm – why would you want to get to know
new people? Maybe you would want to just when you are feeling
really lonely, and that’s hardly a strong incentive.
Your popularity will skyrocket if you manage to get yourself to a
state where you actually enjoy the presence of people, both familiar
and unfamiliar. Of course, this is not about faking happiness or
faking the feeling that you love people and enjoy their presence, but
about experiencing a true sense of endearment toward different
people.
I recall a case of a therapist who came to my clinic, a truly
intelligent and high-quality woman who could not find a romantic
relationship. One of the things I do on the first session with people
who can’t find a relationship is check if they ever experienced a
romantic relationship. It helps me find out what the starting point is.
The client told me she had two significant romantic relationships and
that both of them had ended with great disappointment. The first
relationship lasted six months and ended eight years ago due to the
partner’s unfaithfulness. For her, it was unforgivable, and so she
decided with a heavy heart to end the relationship. The second
relationship started 6 months after the first one had ended, and it
ended because the partner decided to go live oversees. He wasn’t
up for a transatlantic relationship, so he decided to give it up. At this
stage, she lost faith in people, and a belief was formed in her head
that people will eventually disappoint. She, of course, was not aware
of this thought process. It is something that her subconscious
created as a result of the circumstances. Another result was the
creation of defense mechanisms and masks. The logic behind it is
understandable: the unconscious aim of these walls was to prevent
any more toxic individuals from entering her world, but the main
problem was that good, high-quality people could also not enter. And
so she found herself spending nearly seven years on her own in
spite of her being a high-quality woman. In our first meeting we
started with cleaning, forgiving and letting go of this emotional
baggage left by those disappointing relationships. Work was
primarily focused on the subconscious. After that meeting, the magic
I was hoping for occurred – the walls and the shields transformed
into caution, awareness and eye-opening. After all, the goal was not
to get her to a euphoria in which everyone is amazing and no one
will hurt her, but rather to turn the barriers into “doors” – entry is
possible, but only with a key. Not, “It is forbidden to get close to
people,” but, “It is permitted to get close to people, but it is better to
keep your eyes open, and notice the signs.” This state of mind gives
confidence and calmness, instead of the fear that flooded her when
she was around people. Naturally, when you feel more comfortable,
your expressions change, and you even start smiling. She went
about her life’s routine smiling and more relaxed around people. The
change was apparent in social circles, on dates and even in random
encounters. Her roommate invited a few friends to their apartment.
They started talking to her, and the conversation moved to deeper
levels and swept everyone away. At the end of the conversation,
they said, “Wow, you are so sweet, and you smile so much. How
come you don’t have a boyfriend?” At this stage, she understood
how much this comfort had influenced her for the better and how
magnetizing she had become.
 Choose to forgive, let go of past baggage. When you’re holding
onto anger, you are only hurting yourself, not anyone else. It does
not help you, and it even holds you back. When you let go of the
negative emotions, you can make room for a smile, relaxation and
positive emotions that you want to project around people.

A New Approach Toward People

Conversation skill is really an important skill, not necessarily in the
context of social connection, but in any context where there are
people. Think about it – you could get so much from having the skill
to create a good, interesting conversation with anyone: on dates, in
job interviews and when meeting new people. Now we will start
reviewing and learning, in a clear, simple manner, what the
conditions are that must exist in order for a conversation to be
interesting, and how they could be created with anyone.

The Approach
Most people are not comfortable approaching people or talking to
people in a non-topical manner. This approach limits them and keeps
them from forming new relationships, and is wrong! We are human
and social beings. Notice the first impulse you have when something
good happens to you. Imagine, for example, having won the lottery
or succeeding in something you have really been dreaming of doing.
The first instinct is to share and tell someone. This ability to share
and connect with people is a fun experience. However, if we have
been loners, the great urge to share would never arise. We would
not see any importance in doing so. The very fact that we are looking
for someone around us that we can share the good things with
means we are social beings. So, this uncomfortable feeling we get
when we talk to people is irrational, wrong and ineffective. Love
conversation and love people.
I often witness an approach, which characterizes men for the
most part, of being comfortable talking only if there is a specific goal,
in order to ask something or to notify about something. But most
people enjoy a conversation for the very fact that it is a conversation
between people, and if we know how to make it interesting then we
have gained something. It is best to avoid traps such as, “They don’t
know anything special, so I have nothing to tell them,” or “Wait, but
there’s nothing I need from them.” A conversation is more than an
exchange of information. There is another type of conversation,
which could be for fun’s sake. There’s a reason why some people
can keep talking for hours on end – because it really is something
interesting to do. In order to become a social magnet, you must love
conversations and believe they really are fun. Those of you who
think they will be seen as “chatterboxes” – you are completely off. A
chatterbox is someone who speaks too much nonsense, who bores
their companions and makes it difficult to listen to them. If you have
sharpened your senses enough, you will be able to know when
people are with you and when they are not, and if you read the next
chapter thoroughly, you will also know how to speak in a fascinating
manner so people will be glad to listen to you.
Another good illustration of how we are social beings who enjoy
interpersonal communication is our fear of interactive voice response
systems. When we call a company’s customer service, or that of a
governmental office, one of our secret fears is, “Please don’t let me
find myself talking to one of those systems.” Even if the system can
give us the exact information we’re looking for, we still believe that it
cannot understand us as well as humans could and that only
interpersonal communication could work.

Task
Make a list of 50 people in your life (choose whoever you want –
they may be family, friends, high school teachers, or any person
you’ve ever met) and list three positive qualities each of them has,
describing situations that prove that they indeed have these
qualities.
This exercise has an added value – it really strengthens your self-
confidence. When it is easy for you to find the good in others, it is
easier for you to find the good in yourself, and thus love yourself
more.

In the next chapter we will learn how to make eye-contact properly

– in a non-threatening way, and in a way that might even make
people like you in a matter of seconds.

Maintain Eye Contact

In modern times, we have gotten used to communicating through
screens. On one hand, looking someone in the eye may create a
threatening, invasive feeling. On the other hand, when there is no
eye contact, something in the interpersonal connection is lost.
So, what do we do?
Make a habit of looking directly into the eyes of the person you
are talking to. It gives off an impression of confidence. You can
practice this by going out to the street and simply looking into the
eyes of passersby. This habit of looking people in the eye will take
you out of the interpersonal disconnect zone. People who are afraid
of eye contact or who run away from it are perceived as having no
confidence. For this reason, the ability of looking people in the eye
with no fear gives an air of confidence and assertiveness on the one
hand, and warmth and caring on the other. However, the advantages
extend past that. You will find two other prominent advantages. The
first advantage is that you will start reading and understanding
people in a much better way. There’s a reason why they say that “the
eyes are the mirror of the soul” – one can really get a lot of
information through the eyes. Eyes are more than color and pupils.
They are a doorway, through which one can peek into the inner
world of a person. This is the reason why eye contact can create a
sense of invasion. It feels like someone can read us just by looking.
The other advantage is the promotion of interpersonal connection. A
famous study showed that when eye contact is kept for at least 20
seconds, Oxytocin (the love hormone) is secreted, which enhances
the feeling of connection to a person. Yes! It is that simple. The level
of chemistry between you will rise just due to the fact that prolonged
eye contact was created.
So, allow yourself to create eye contact peacefully. This way, you
will create a better connection with people, you can read them and
get more information about them, and will exhibit more self-
confidence.
How do you create eye contact?
It seems simple, and the question seems unnecessary: “What do
you mean? You just look them in the eyes.” But it is actually very
easy to cross the line and make the person in front of us feel
threatened. For this reason, it is important to do it properly.
At first, you need to be comfortable when creating eye-contact.
Especially those of you who never practiced it should try to look
people between the eyebrows. That way, you will not feel like you
are going too far out of your comfort zone, and the person in front of
you will not feel like their soul is being penetrated via their eyes.
After having success looking at the area between the eyebrows for a
long period of time with a significant number of people, you can
somewhat expand your field of view and allow yourself to look at
both eyes. It is important that the look is relaxed and calm. Do not
open your eyes wide and don’t raise your eyebrows – the entire
eyelid and eye area must be calm and relaxed. When you look, do
not stare. If you think the person in front of you feels uncomfortable,
look at their right eye and then at their left and keep switching. It will
give a dynamic, moving feeling. When staring, your eyes are focused
in an intimidating manner, and that is not our intention. For those of
you who know their eye and eyelid area looks stressed and nervous,
a massage of the area is recommended to relax all the tension from
the muscles.

Tasks

1. Get yourself used to looking people in the eye. You can start
asking yourself what the eyes are telling you. Which
information are you getting from the eyes of the person in
front of you?
2. Look in the mirror and ask yourself objectively if your eye
and eyelid area looks stressed and tense. If you cannot
examine yourself objectively, ask those around you – those
whose opinion you trust, and you know will be comfortable
being honest with you. If you find that this area is not
relaxed and calm enough, massage the area for five
 minutes five times a day. After a week, the change should
be apparent in your face. If you still do not see a difference,
the massage is probably not sufficient, and you should
actively work toward relaxation and calmness in your body.

How to Get People to Like You in Four Seconds

Yes, getting someone to like you in four seconds may seem like
something out of a fiction book, but there is an excellent way to
make people like you in just four seconds. But before we understand
that, let’s understand how it works. First, let’s think about it – who do
we like? Usually the people who like us and make us feel welcome.
Which is why, when I want people to like me, I need to induce that
same feeling in them. How does one do that? It’s a bit strange
walking into a room and telling people, “Hi I love you and I am glad
that you are here.” It is possible, however, to transmit this message
to the subconscious. How does one do that? Right after a look in the
eye, add a smile. When the person in front of you sees (doesn’t
matter if in a conscious or subconscious way) that you smiled at
them after looking at them, their subconscious starts adding things
up and thinking, “If they smiled at me after seeing me, they must be
happy to see me. Wow, they really make me feel wanted – I love this
person.” This is how you make people like you in just a few seconds.
Get used to smiling right after looking people in the eye. It works
better when the smile is genuine – the kind that makes you also
smile with your eyes. With some practice, this will turn into an
automatic pattern that will magnetize people without you noticing.
One of the cases I remember the most was when I finished a lecture
in Tel Aviv and was driving home. On the way, I realized I was
hungry and wanted to stop for a quick bite. I went into the first
restaurant I saw. The hostess asked if I was OK with sitting at the
bar. I replied with a smile, and she led me to the corner of the bar.
Down from the corner, two cute girls were sitting. The waitress came
and asked what I wanted and recommended the daily special. “Do
you recommend it?” I inquired. “Yes. I just had it, and it is wonderful,”
one of the girls who sat next to me intervened. One thing led to
another, and a conversation started with that girl. About five minutes
in, her friend also joined the conversation. Minutes passed, and the
conversation moved on, when suddenly that friend asked, “Wait, how
did you two even start talking?” As I was about to tell about the
moment when she recommended that I take the daily special, she
had already started telling a wholly different version. She said: “He
started talking to me.” Obviously, I remembered another version, but
instead of insisting on correcting her, I was curious as to her version,
and asked: “Really? What did I say?” She responded, “You just came
and smiled at me.” It was then when I realized how this automatic
habit which I have created for myself – of looking and smiling – was
socially magnetizing.

Task
Practice this ability of looking people in the eye and smiling. If you
don’t know yet how to make yourself smile, you can think of
someone or something that makes you smile right after looking them
in the eye. Practice it until it becomes automatic. Eventually, you will
get to a state where it happens every time you meet people, without
even noticing.

In the next chapter we will start learning how a “social magnet”

creates good conversation.
 The Conversa on Model – Three Stages

The Reason your Conversations Are Currently

“Stuck”
Where does the problem begin? It begins with the first attempt at
creating a conversation with a closed structure which does not allow
openness. The average person asks a question and gets an answer.
They then ask a new question and get a new answer. And so it
continues.

Question → Answer
Question → Answer
Question → Answer

Is there some association that comes to mind, which most of you do

not like? You probably get where this is going, right? This
conversation model reminds us of a job interview, or worse yet – an
interrogation, which gives us a nervous, tense feeling. So where’s
the wonder about us not being comfortable creating good
conversation? We have accustomed ourselves to feelings of stress
and discomfort during the creation of conversation, especially at
times when there is a lot of criticism. Today, Facebook encourages
us to share any failure and shortcoming we might come across, and
the internet gives us a good platform to shout in places where, not
long ago, we would have been silenced. As a result, we have
developed strong criticism skills, but with them, low conversation
skills. This is where the sense of nervousness and discomfort comes
from.
Just so you know, while this model is considered bad, it is not the
worst way to have a conversation. I have come across worse
attempts. For instance, people who go on and on talking and then
come to a full stop, which creates an uncomfortable silence. In the
model that was introduced earlier, there are questions, at least,
which are a great way to start a conversation. Why? Because they
require that the other person responds, and engages them in
conversation and interpersonal communication. I had the chance to
meet people who talk for half an hour and are then left feeling proud
of themselves, thinking they had a good conversation. Only it wasn’t
a conversation – it was a speech. The meaning of conversation is
communication between two parties, and this is why questions can
ensure that instead of a speech, a conversation occurs.

An average conversation is something like:

“What’s your name?”: “Paz”
“Where do you live?”: “Rishon LeZion”
“What do you do for a living?”: “I teach NLP and interpersonal
communication.”

What can you do instead?

Before getting to the principals of the model, notice the differences
in the next example. Even though I ask the same questions, they will
seem different:
“You look familiar. What’s your name?”: “Paz.”
“Huh. I have no idea where from, you’re probably not from around
here, are you? Where are you from?”: “Rishon LeZion.”
 “Oh, and do you work there, too? What do you do?”: “I teach NLP
and interpersonal communication.”
I hope you noticed the difference. The questions were the same,
but the person in the second example is easier to talk to compared
to the person in the first. What was the difference?

1. Everyday language – I often come across the use of an

overly high lingual register by people who are used to
speaking that way – lawyers, executives, language
teachers, etc. Those who work in these professions are
accustomed to the fact that in order to impress, they have to
use words of a high register. However, in everyday
conversations, it should be the other way around. The more
formal the language, the more it alienates. One should use
light language. It conveys warm humanness, which is better
than cold formality. You should start getting used to using
everyday language. As emphasized in previous chapters, I
will not take the things you know from you. Those of you
who are used to using high, formal language can continue
doing so when appropriate. The goal is to add options, so
we can also choose the right way when appropriate.
2. Emotional language – one thing that separates us humans
(as well as other living things) from robots is emotion. We
have emotions, and when we want to convey humanness
and shy away from equating conversation with a “job
interview,” we should add emotional words. You might have
noticed that the second example has questions that are
phrased in ways that have more to do with emotion, be it the
little word “Oh,” which conveys understanding, or the
 opening “You look familiar,” which conveys confusion.
Emotion is a wonderful way for creating connection between
people, which is why it is important that we use our
language to express our emotions. Usually, men have a
harder time expressing their emotional world, especially
those who work in “cold” fields, like accounting and
computer programming. You should also know that in
communication with the other sex, the expression of
emotion contributes to the connection. If you are able to
convey emotion, you become more attractive. It is important
to emphasize that I advocate here being emotional, but not
overly so. Being emotional means having an elaborate
emotional world, but not being dramatic and crying over
nothing. Emotions touch people, while being overly
emotional closes them.

If becoming a social magnet is important to you, I recommend that

you present your emotions. To do this, you should enrich your
vocabulary. If when asked “How are you feeling?” you tend to reply
with answers such as “cool” or “OK,” your emotions are not
expressed enough. Think about this for a moment – “cool” is not an
emotion. Has anyone ever felt that emotion? You can be happy or
excited or feel relaxed, but “cool” is not an emotion.
For those of you who do not want to create planned robot-like or
job-interview-like conversations, and who also want to enrich your
language in the emotion channels, I have put together a simple
collection of emotions you can use. Conduct an experiment –
combine these words in your vocabulary for one week, and see how
people respond. Notice what happens when instead of answering “I
feel great,” you answer, “Really, I feel very satisfied.” Obviously, you
will notice a different response.
Here is a list of words that might be useful for those of you who
wish to enrich the emotional communication channels. Use it and
enjoy:

Positive Emotions Negative Emotions

Happiness Love Disappointment Confusion

Expectation Hope Embarrassment Anger

Contentment Safety Fear Concern

Peace Surprise Stress Tension

Pride Motivation Envy Worry

Enthusiasm Excitement Dolefulness Sadness

Longing Relief Vulnerability Bother

Sympathy Determination Guilt Desperation

There are, by the way, other differences between a successful and

an unsuccessful conversation, which we will get to later. The
example of the second conversation is not the best example. It might
be preferable to the first, but the nature of the conversation can be
improved even further, and we will discuss that later.

Task
Work emotion-words, such as those in the list above, into your
conversation about 15 times per day. It is important that you use a
variety of words, and not the same word 15 times. It is advisable that
you use at least 5 different words each day.
 The Conversa on Model

A conversation must go through three stages:

Opener – the role of the Opener is to inform the other party that
we are having an interaction.
Deepener – the aim of this stage is to create, for both parties, the
connection, chemistry and depth that are required in order for those
having the conversation to feel intimacy.
Advancer – takes the desire to go deeper, and advances the
intimacy to the next level.

Those things that are stated above are true for any type of
conversation: a conversation between a salesperson and a potential
client, a flirt between a man and a woman, and a conversation
between friends. Any successful conversation passes through these
three stages. To be able to have good conversations, we must have
an in-depth understanding of every stage. No matter the field in
which you want to use this conversation skill – business, romance or
friendships – the principals of conversation remain identical.
Let us understand each of the stages well before we learn how to
implement each stage successfully.

The Opener Stage

Imagine what would happen if we would start conversations without
openers – if a stranger would come to you, out of nowhere, and ask:
“What’s your name?” It would probably be a bit intimidating. This is
why you need an opener – you need a “knock on the door” in order
to enter into the person’s personal realm of time and thought. An
opener could be “Hi,” or “Hello,” or it could even be a look and a
smile. An opener works well only when it meets two criteria: 1. Non-
binding, and 2. Non-threatening. For example: a simple opener of a
look and a smile can be seen as a good opener because it creates a
non-binding interaction between individuals. This means that at any
moment, one can simply ignore and walk away. This is opposed to
an opener such as, “What’s your name?” which demands a
response. It can be seen as walking into someone’s house with no
permission. It is threatening. So, a good opener must be non-binding
and non-threatening, but rather inviting. Remember that an opener
can be non-verbal, such as an exchange of looks, or it could be
verbal, such as asking a stranger in the mall, “Pardon me, do you
know where I can find an ATM around here?” All of these are non-
binding, non-threatening openers which politely invite a person to
interact. Note that this is what you convey both verbally and non-
verbally (with body language and intonation).

Task
Practice openers.
Go out to a public place, look people in the eye and say “hi” or
“hello.” If you feel comfortable, you can also ask a friendly question
such as, “Do you know what time this mall closes?” It is very
important that you practice this with all types of people (men and
women, your age or older, etc.). Remember that the goal of this
exercise is to develop your social skills, so the ability to create
interaction is important and significant. Practice this until you feel
comfortable starting interactions. Next, we will learn what to do after
the opener, but the first stage of the opener is undoubtedly
important, and you have to go through this stage before going on to
the next stage.
Most importantly, love people and learn to enjoy the interactions
you have created, even if they are very short.

The “Going Deeper” Stage

The purpose of the deepener is to create a sense of intimacy and
belonging. Imagine what would happen without this stage, if people
would open a conversation “Hi” and immediately move on to the
advancer stage, such as, “Let’s have coffee sometime.” This could
definitely be alarming and off-putting, because why would we want to
have coffee with a stranger we just met, and with whom we have not
developed any chemistry? Sometimes, the plots of Hollywood
movies provide an illusion that creating social circles or acquiring
new friends must pass through a course of confrontation. This might
be the case, for example, in scripts where two men get to know each
other through confrontation over some fair lady, and in the end, they
become best friends. This message tells us that this is the only way
to get to know people, that friends are acquired through abnormal
events or fights. This is not entirely wrong, as fights do provide us
with a chance to go deeper and get to know the other person, but
there are better, friendlier ways. Most people don’t know how to get
deep when having a conversation, and don’t understand the
importance of being deep in the creation of intimacy and connection.

So, what needs to happen in the deepener stage? Here we also find
several criteria.
The first criterion: The conversation in this stage must be
personal. I meet more than a few people who think that a deep
interaction is this:
- Pardon, which line goes to the train?
- Number 5 gets you right there.
- Oh, great. And how often does it run?
- Quite often. Roughly every 6 minutes.
- Cool. Do you know what time is the last one?
- About midnight.

Do you think this was a deep conversation? Obviously not. Even

though this conversation was a few sentences long, it is still stuck in
the opener. The deepener stage must be personal and relate to the
person’s individual world. Notice what would happen if the rest of the
dialogue looked like this:
- Pardon, which line goes to the train?
- Number 5 gets you right there.
- Oh, great. And how often…Wow, these are great glasses!
Did you buy them around here?
- Thanks! They’re from Australia.
- Australia? You’re not as Israeli as you look, huh?

Do you see the difference? This difference is called a deepener.

When going deeper, we have to get personal. Of course, I will
elaborate on how to get personal and how to do so naturally later in
the book. For now, let’s just really learn the fact that one cannot go
deeper in a conversation that’s entirely an exchange of informative
details. An informative conversation will not make you social – it will
make you boring and keep you from getting to the advancer stage.
It does not matter if the participants in the conversation are a man
and a woman, and it does not matter if it is with the aim of expanding
your social circles or of finding a romantic relationship. All
conversations have the same rules and principles. Interpersonal
communication is communication, and it does not matter if you are a
man trying to hit on a woman, or if you are a woman looking to
change friends. In any case, the three stages of opener, deepener
and advancer must exist throughout the conversation. You cannot
get to the advancer stage without successfully passing the deepener
stage. In order to successfully pass the deepener stage, you have to
get personal, and get to know the individual in front of you (we will
elaborate on this later too).

The second criterion: gradualness. Think how sharp a turn it would

be if after some opener, you immediately asked, “What’s the greatest
difficulty you suffered when you were a child?” The meaning of
gradualness is that you start with topics that are personal, but not
private. Slowly, by sharpening your senses and attempting to notice
the other person’s cooperation, you can get more personal.
The sequence of questions could look something like this:
- Are you from Tel Aviv? (casual deepener– personal on the one
hand, but not intrusive on the other)
- Yes.
- You don’t look Tel Avivi. You must have moved here recently,
didn’t you? (A bit more personal, but still subtle)
- Yeah. I couldn’t live with my parents any more. I had to move.
- Wow. Sounds like it was really hard. Were you suffocated or
something? (Going into deeper waters. This is more personal, so the
language is lighter to emphasize the gradualness)
- You know how parents are. They always intervene and ask
questions, and you have no privacy.
From here, it will be much easier for you to get to the most personal
questions, such as difficulties growing up. (Of course, this is not yet
the time, and it is not a question you should ask at the beginning of a
conversation, but you can certainly see that it is going in this
direction.)
The key for advancing the conversation in the wanted direction is
gradualness. Ask questions that get personal, but gradually and
naturally. Be alert and sensitive to understand when you are still
stuck in the opener (the other person would exhibit signs of
boredom) and when it is wise to go deeper, and when you are being
too intrusive (the other person would seem hesitant and withdrawing
from the conversation and the questions), and when it is wise to
move on too lighter topics and responses.

The Advancer Stage

The purpose of the advancer stage of a conversation is to turn the
interest that was created in the deepener stage into actions. Without
the advancer stage, the interactions will be like a bite of delicious
food, which makes you crave more, but without the option of getting
it. At the deepener stage the craving is formed, while the advancer
stage is the recipe for that food. If you go to a good restaurant or a
place you enjoyed, you would want to return, wouldn’t you? The
same thing happens with people. People with whom we have good
interactions and a special connection are people we want
surrounding us and even replacing our current social circles – this
cannot happen without the advancer stage. Most people tend to
jump straight to the advancer stage: “Let’s have coffee sometime,”
without having built a good basis in the prior stages. This is
understandable – the advancer stage seems to be the purpose of
the interaction, and as such, we want to get to it as quickly as
possible. Only it really isn’t the purpose. It is like saying that the
purpose of purchasing a music album is to get to a live concert of the
same artist. It is not the purpose; the purpose is to enjoy the music in
the album, and with that enjoyment the appetite will come and we
would want to also see the concert, which is another option for
enjoying the music. It is the same in developing a conversation. The
purpose is to enjoy the conversation and the interaction, and
naturally, we will find ourselves in the advancer stage, but the
advancer stage is not the purpose.
It is therefore very important that you remain patient. Don’t rush it,
and never measure an interaction according to “how many people I
added to my contact list.” It is irrelevant. It is not a measurement of
anything, and is certainly not the main point.
Good acquaintance is measured by the number of times you have
done this trifecta of Opener-Deepener-Advancer. Yes, it could
happen numerous times, and there doesn’t have to be just one
Opener, one Deepener and one Advancer. I recall an incident in
which I was riding the bus from Tel Aviv to Ramat Gan with a friend.
The bus was relatively empty, maybe because it was so late. Several
seats from us a beautiful woman, who also seemed to possess an
interesting inner world, was sitting. During the ride, the conversation
between my friend and me was flowing, but I found myself
exchanging looks with that lady. Some might say that these looks
where the opener, but I think that the opener was when I asked, “Do
we know each other, or are you examining me in some way?” She
smiled, and answered with some embarrassment, “I was actually
asking myself the same question – whether we know each other or
just got caught in an exchange of stares.” At this stage, I started
going deeper, subtly, of course: “Are you from Tel Aviv or Ramat
Gan?” (This is a subtle deepener, because it is connected to the
situation – when a person looks familiar, it is natural to ask where
they are from, but it still deepens the acquaintance). She answered
politely, “No, I am from Ramat Gan. Are you from Tel Aviv?” We kept
talking for a while about where we were from and about what we do,
and at some point I said, “Come sit next to us, how can we talk when
you’re so far away?” This was the advancer. In the first few minutes,
an interesting conversation started which made us want to continue
talking, and it was at that point when I advanced by asking her to
come sit closer and talk with more comfort. I believe that if I were to
advance the conversation right after the opener, she would have
declined, because it is a bit stressful to sit next to a person with
whom you only exchanged a sentence or two.
After she took her bag and came to sit right next to where we
were sitting, I started a new round of Opener-Deepener-Advancer,
and asked, “This is a student bag. Are you a student?” Note that this
time, the opener is more advanced than an opener that starts from
nothing. Right now I am at a stage of an opener after an advancer
and therefore, it is a more personal opener. She said she was on her
way back from the chocolate store where she works. We kept talking
about our shared love of chocolate (deepener), and in the course of
an argument over which one of us knows the best chocolate in town,
we exchanged telephone numbers (advancer) to check which one of
us has better taste in chocolate. And so it continued, and in fact, this
is how it works in any relationship and in any interaction.
Having understood the order of things and seen the big picture,
now comes the most important question in this book. “How do I do
it? How do I create good openers? How do I go deeper? How do I
advance?”
Let’s get going.

First Stage – Opener

How to Create a Good Opener?
There is a variety of types of openers. We’ll review them one after
the other. It is important and advised that you do not dismiss any of
these types. It is quite likely that some of the openers will seem
unnatural to you – it makes sense, because if they did seem natural,
you would have been using them already. You might even have
some resistance toward some of them. Still, I advise that you pay
attention to every type of opener and examine it from a clear point of
view, with no pre-judgement.

Passive Opener – I will start with the opener that has the highest
chance of success, though it is not often talked about. A “Passive
Opener” refers to an opener which comes from the other person
instead of coming from you. Most people are so focused on what
they ought to do to start a conversation that they miss the openers
that pass them by. If some person asks you for the time – that is an
opener! If someone asks you how to get to a certain place - that is
an opener, and even if someone comments on some dirt on your
jacket – that is an opener. Even if you are not the one who initiated
the opener, it still opens an interaction. These openers happen all
the time and everywhere, and it is important that you do not miss
them. There is an approach – which I admit that I do not really agree
with, but it exists, and I respect it – that claims that if even passive
openers create interactions, than why not create many of them?
How? By creating a provocation, such as wearing a strange hat or
weird clothing items, to get remarks which will then lead to a
conversation, and in this way, to receive passive openers. The
reason I disagree with this approach is that I believe that a person
doesn’t need to look for a way to stand out in a different way,
especially when it is just to get openers. Of course, if you like some
style that is not common, there is no reason to dismiss it. But there is
no point in making yourself look for a way to stand out. It is not
something that works for every person, and what’s more is that you
can do it in a smarter way. Let me present an example of another
way of creating passive openers which occurred during my military
service. I served in the IDF’s Marketing and Advocacy unit, a big unit
with more than 100 soldiers who are the face of the IDF for high
school students before their enlistment. Because it is a unit which
represents the IDF, many celebrities are sent to serve in it. I served
with singers, models, and even a Miss Israel. One day, an
international model who was very well known in the scene arrived at
the unit. Imagine what happens when a world-class famous model
arrives at a unit with so many soldiers – everyone tries to talk and
interact with her in every way imaginable. That was exactly what I
decided not to do. I believe that external beauty is an important
addition, but this worship of models is not something I relate to. If all
a model has to offer – even if she is an international one – is beauty,
then that is not interesting enough for me to want to create
conversation with her of all people. I had a great relationship with the
other hundred soldiers who served with me, and we would sit in the
dining hall and have really fascinating conversations. It is easy to
detect when a conversation is interesting, when the soldiers who
partake prefer to go on telling you something or listening to you even
at the expense of eating. So, the situation was that even though the
unit was comprised of many people, I had a great relationship with
nearly all of them. This is also why I wasn’t interested in connecting
with someone for the sole reason that she was an international
model. Also, I didn’t want to be part of raising the level of stress she
was in, because the others did not feel as I did and tried to talk and
interact with her in every possible way. I thought that if I were her, I
would have been stressed – imagine a situation in which one
hundred people come to meet one person! This is a situation that
can make her fill uncomfortable, isn’t it? Essentially, each of these
soldiers spoke to her about a different topic, and out of those one
hundred people, some talked about me or about a situation they had
with me. Naturally, when a number of people talk to you about the
same person and present them in a positive light, you are likely to
develop some curiosity about that person. If they are the only one
who didn’t try to reach out or start a conversation, your curiosity
would become even greater. After about a month of us not talking,
and everyone else trying to open conversations with the model in
every possible way, we happened to run into one another. And she
suddenly asked me why I never came once to say hello. I replied
that it was for the same reason that she never came to say hello. Her
approaching me was what created the passive opener. The insight
from this example is that by turning yourself into the best you, and by
being an appealing and interesting personality, you will increase the
amount of passive openers in your interactions. In the meantime, just
notice when people interact with you, and use passive openers.

“Situational Opener” – I have found that this opener is one of the

most effective openers and also one of the simplest and easiest
ones, which is why it is my favorite opener. A situational opener
means that the way to create interaction is connected to the situation
you are in. Think about it for a minute. In every moment and in every
situation, many things occur: People go by, and dynamics and things
that draw your attention revolve around you. All of these can serve
as triggers for the creation of interaction which will feel natural. One
day, my friend Liron invited me to a housewarming party in his new
apartment. Even though I didn’t know anyone, I said yes and I went.
The average response of a person who arrives in a new place where
there are many new people is to be shocked and to sit on the side
until someone comes to ask a few questions. But in this case, I
chose to use the situational opener. I came up to people and asked
them, “Hey, where do you know Liron from?” This is an opener that
helped me get very quickly, easily and naturally to the deepener
stage. Another example happened on a bus (yes, one of the reasons
why I prefer public transportation is because it is an excellent place
to meet and get to know people). One day I was on the bus, on a
ride that was longer than usual. I turned toward a nice group of
people who were sitting to my left and asked them with a smile,
“Hey, do you know if there is some special event which is causing all
this traffic today?” One of them replied with a puzzled look on his
face. “I have no idea, traffic really is jammed today.” From here it was
easy to carry on. “Huh, do you take this bus often?” And so on, until
a good conversation started between myself and a few people who
were sitting there.

“Direct Opener” – This is a very good approach which requires self-

confidence and clear speech in order for the opener to work. In a
direct opener, one approaches and clearly states the reason for
starting the conversation, or the reason they were attracted and
decided to approach. An example of this opener occurred when I
was in a commercial center in Tel Aviv, sitting with a graduate of one
of my NLP classes. In a table across from us, a man, who seemed to
be in his late 40’s, was sitting. He wore dress pants and was
buttoned-up and well groomed. He had just finished a meeting,
which judging from the looks of it was important. I was very
interested in getting to know this person. We approached him, and
looking directly at him, I said, “Hey, you look like a really interesting
person. We were wondering if it was just because of your clothing or
if there really is something special about you.” He smiled and
answered pleasantly, “Wow, thank you. I want you to know that I
really appreciate this courage to go up to someone and start a
conversation. You really impressed me with your confidence.” I went
deeper, and I learned he was a life coach who had inspirational
ideas and projects, who was a great pleasure to meet and get to
know. It is really nice to have people like that on your contact list,
and it is especially important and worthwhile to keep in touch with
knowledgeable and inspirational people. This opener would not work
well if I gave an air of lack of confidence and said, “Hey, sorry to
bother you. You just seem like a man who is…mmm…how do I say
this? Kind of interesting…” This is why it is important to be clear and
confident in order for this opener to work smoothly. Mustering your
courage is important in order to convey self-confidence and to
approach and say the truth. If you manage to do that, even if the
result is not perfect, than applaud yourself for the courage. You
deserve it.
“100% Openers” – These are the easiest openers. They do not
require too much courage or stepping out of your comfort zone, and
there is no chance of making a fool of yourself. It is also a good way
to start for those who prefer a gradual development, while the other
openers may seem like too high a dive. So, what do 100% openers
mean? These are openings which are not meant in order to get to
know someone in-depth, but rather for getting to know them on the
fly. These are the innocent openers we use anyway in our daily lives.
One case of using this type of opener happened when I was walking
around Rothschild Avenue in Tel Aviv and approached a group of
five, three girls and two guys, and asked, “Hi, do you know how to
get to The Alley Pub?” One of them explained how to get there, and
one of the girls corrected him. I laughed as I said, “Which version
should I believe?” I turned to the rest of the group and asked, “Who
should I trust?” The rest of the group laughed along and said that if
she says anything, she knows what she’s saying, even though she
hardly leaves her home. This is how 100% openers work. You just
ask simple question that any person would probably gladly answer
(this is why they are called “100%” – because you get 100%
cooperation), and gradually go deeper from there.

Tasks

1. Writing Task – For each opener, write down two situations in

which that opener could come in handy and how you would
use it. Remember you don’t have to know yet how to get
from the opener to the deepener – just create the opener.
The purpose of this exercise is to expand your perception
so that you see these openers as legitimate options. From
the moment you write them down, your subconscious will
 think of other openings in those directions and not just in
those you thought of until now.
2. Field Task – Start interactions with people using each of the
openers described above. If the task it too hard for you, you
can choose just one or two openers. It is important that you
do allow yourself to step out of your comfort zone in order to
succeed in developing your social skills.

Don’t Make the Common Mistakes

Sometimes, people create good openers and approach the right
people, the really high-quality ones, with whom they could really
have a good connection, but they simply don’t deliver the opener
properly. There are some things other than the words which are
important in an opener. An opener is not just the words that you say,
but also the way you present them. There are some common
mistakes that people often make simply due to lack of attention.
Avoiding these mistakes would increase the chance of success.
When you approach a stranger, for whatever purpose, that person
asks themselves three questions:

1. Who is this?
2. What do they want?
3. How long will they stay?

It’s reasonable; these questions make sense. We would want to

know who comes up to us and what they want. There are too many
salespeople and people who talk too much who might waste our time
and money, so we want to know and recognize them beforehand.
These key questions which come up right away are a defense
mechanism from those who might waste your time or otherwise take
advantage of you.
There are a few things we can do to calm the person before us
unconsciously, and convey the message that we are friendly and that
our presence will not waste their time.

1. Make your opener shorter than normal. Let’s take, as an

example, a 100% opener like, “Excuse me, do you know
where I can find an ATM around here?” If you say it slowly
with many pauses, it will be boring and people will not
understand what you want and lose patience (if you didn’t
get to your point within 2 seconds, people lose interest and
you then miss them). Therefore, it is important to find the
balance between saying your opener with rapport, and with
a slightly faster-than- usual speaking speed.
2. Use a clear and authoritative voice. It sounds trivial, but
some people feel so uncomfortable in these situations that
they panic, so it is important to breathe before talking. When
you feel nervous, your blood flows faster, so the organs
need more oxygen which leaves you with less oxygen for
speaking. When you take a deep breath before talking, you
ensure that even if it does make you nervous, you will still
sound OK and your voice will not be a choked-up whistle.
3. Speak clearly. We have a tendency to think that if we
understand ourselves, everyone must understand us,
especially those who are used to communicating only
through technology. They never developed their speaking
 capability (diction). Like any muscle in your body, the
speaking muscles also need practice and exercise, and
when you fail to train them enough, they atrophy. Add
background noises to that, and you get a recipe for “how to
make people make a weird face when trying to understand
what you want.” So, even if you think your diction is precise
and understandable, take into consideration that it’s not
easy to understand you when your talking muscles are
atrophied. It is a good idea to make sure that others
understand you, and to maintain clear pronunciation of your
words.

Second Stage – Deepener

How to Create a Good Deepener
The deepener stage is one of the most important parts of an
interaction. A poor deepener will keep you from getting to the
advancer stage. In contrast, if you have a good deepener that
follows a poor opener, all will be forgiven and forgotten and you can
easily use your advancer.
As we have mentioned in previous chapters, one should use a
question to compel the person they interact with to respond. But it is
important to use the right type of question and at the right time. For
that to happen, let’s get acquainted with the types of questions that
exist.

1. Close-Ended Question – A question which only has two

options (usually “yes” or “no”). For example, if the topic of
 conversation is alcohol, a close-ended question would be,
“Do you drink alcohol?” This question only has two options –
“yes” or “no” – so it is close-ended.
2. Multi-Option Question – A question with more than two
options, but still with a finite number of options. If we follow
the same topic of conversation as before, a multi-option
question about this topic would be, “What kind of alcoholic
beverages do you like drinking?” Here, we have more than
just two options (beer, red wine, white wine, cocktails, etc.),
but the number of options remains limited. Sometimes,
these types of questions have many options, so the
boundary between multi-option and open-ended question
blurs, and that is OK. This is not a test, and you do not have
to be precise. The aim is for you to understand the general
characteristics of the questions.
3. Open-Ended Question – A question with infinite options. For
example, “How did you start enjoying beer?” I can get many
answers, such as, “Friends introduced it to me,” or “Through
my family,” or another story, “At first, I didn’t like beer,
until…” This diversity of answers is characteristic of open-
ended questions.
4. Dilemma Question – A question which presents a specific
situation with two choices, where it is difficult to choose
between the two. Please note that this refers to a specific
situation (as opposed to open-ended questions which could
be general), and of course, the choice is hard. The harder
the choice, the better the dilemma. For example, with
alcohol as the topic: “Suppose someone told you that if you
don’t drink alcohol for three years you would get $5,000,
 would you do it?”
It’s a specific situation in which one is offered an exact
proposal, and if this leads to serious contemplation, and one
really needs to think and weigh the options, then the
dilemma is good.

Why are the Questions Listed in This Order?

Note the order of the questions. It is not accidental. They are listed
from the best questions to start a conversation with, to those that
allow development of the subject, and then to those that are best for
deepening the conversation. So, if I want to start talking about trips
abroad, it will be much more natural to start with a closed-ended
question: “Have you ever been abroad?” and then move on to a
multi-option question, “Where have you been?” on to an open-ended
question, “Huh, why there of all places?” And I can even go on to a
dilemma: “If you met someone incredible, would you leave
everything and move there to live with her?” Note that starting with a
dilemma would not have been appropriate because it is not part of
any continuity. It is also wrong to start with an open-ended question
like, “Say, where would you want to go?” For the transition to be
structured and natural, it is important to maintain this order. You can
sometimes skip one type of question, but pay attention to creating a
natural transition between the opener and the deepener. Some
people try to create deep conversation using nothing but closed-
ended questions. This, of course, will not work. The conversation will
get stuck and fade away. Some people open a conversation with an
open-ended question, and this also doesn’t work well, because it
could be too intrusive. Take note of asking the right type of question
at the right time during the conversation.
Task
Choose three topics from the following options: technology, parties,
sea, wellness, summer, fashion.
Write 4 questions on each topic (one question of each type).

Good luck!

Where to Get Ideas for Conversation

Though it may seem easy in this book, when going through it one
step at a time, concern may still arise regarding bringing up topics for
conversation. “Wait, how do I come up with topics to talk about?”
And the answer is simple. Are you familiar with the association
game? It is a game we would play as kids where we’d say the first
word that pops into our mind when we hear another word. For
example, if I say the word “summer,” which association comes to
mind? What is the first word or image that pops into your head? I, for
one, thought about the sea. And so, we have a new topic. What
happens when I say “sea”? What association does it invoke? It
reminds me of surfing, and we can continue this until the end of time.
Every word could be a topic for conversation through which we can
create new questions. You should practice the association game.
Beyond developing your creative thinking, it will help you create
conversations which can go on for as long as you want, because you
will always have more and more topics to talk about.

Task
Practice the association game. Write down a word and then another
one hundred words, when every word is an association from the one
that came before. It is very important that you do not repeat words in
order to develop your ability to diversify and to teach your brain
multi-directional thinking. You should also not narrow your selection
to words that belong to the same family. Meaning, if your word is
“chair,” it is not a good idea for the next one to be “table,” and the
one after that, “kitchen cabinet,” and then “dresser.” You should
break your boundaries and use words where the associative
connection is more creative. If the word is “chair,” I will choose the
further option, like “work” (where I sit in a chair all day), and that
word will give me an association of “vacation,” because after work,
you need some vacation, and so on.

How to Create a Good Conversation Naturally

The best way to make a conversation deeper is by referring to the
answers you get. I explained at the beginning of this chapter that you
cannot have a conversation using the model of:
Question → Answer
Question → Answer
Let’s understand what “referring to the answers we get” means.
For this example, let’s assume you’ve been invited to a good
friend’s birthday party, an event where you do not know anyone. To
make it easier to imagine this, let’s assume this friend is called
Johnny. Someone who does not know how to refer to the answers
they get will conduct a conversation like this:

Hi. Where do you know Johnny from?

From the military.
Where are you from?
Tel Aviv.
Note the total disconnect between the answer we received and the
next question asked. In contrast, the correct way to do it is to
connect the question and the answer. You can do it using different
types of responses. For example:

Hi. Where do you know Johnny from?

From the military.
Huh. And how did you keep in touch? I guess you don’t live
too far from here. Where are you from?

In this example, we have a small addition before the question. This

addition gives the person in front of you the feeling that you’re
actually listening to them, referring to their answers, and not running
an investigation. This attitude enhances the feeling of connection
and interpersonal chemistry, and contributes to the deepening.
Another example:

Hi. Where do you know Johnny from?

From the military.
Did you serve in the same unit? Wait…what did you even do
in the military? Did you have the same job?

Notice the difference. Instead of throwing in pre-cooked questions, I

extracted a question from the answer that I received. Any answer
you get opens a doorway into the other person’s inner world. This
doorway to their inner world is your direction for deepening. Another
way, which I think is even better, is to refer to the answers you’re
getting and to identify “important parts” in them. “Important parts” are
parts of a sentence that reveal the inner world of the person. Why is
this important? Because these parts will make it easier for you to
create a deepener. It will be genuine deepening, which will be
possible for the other person to really relate to, not deepening which
is disconnected from their world. For example:

Hi. Where do you know Johnny from?

We met when we were in the military, but we didn’t really
connect until the end.
What do you mean? How come it took so long?

This time, I identified the contrast in the answer – they met when
they were in the military, but this was not when they connected and
started keeping in touch. That happens long after they met. This is
an excellent point to connect to and ask about. This brings about a
better way for deepening because it compels you to be completely
attentive to the answers you get. In addition, the person in front of
you identified the high level of attention (whether consciously or not),
and thus will open up more. So the Deepener stage creates a
stronger connection.
Remember that the essence of the deepener is to get into
someone’s inner world. Do not settle for a purely informative
conversation, as those cannot get into a person’s heart. Talk about
them, share a little bit of yourself, and share each other’s personal
worlds. Remember to go about it gradually, gradual in terms of the
type of questions (start from a closed-ended question and move on
from there), and gradual in terms of the depth of the questions. Start
with a lighter question and slowly make them more personal. Do not
start with overly personal questions under any circumstances, so
that you do not see threatening and intrusive which could make your
conversation partner close up.

Task
These are parts of a conversation. Complete the conversation with a
deepener response. Be sure to use the appropriate level of depth in
your question. You can use each of the patterns you learned: various
responses, referring to the answer, or referring to important parts.

What do you do for a living?

Nothing special – I’m a waiter.
(Your response?)

Example Response:
Note that the speaker opens his sentence with “nothing special,”
which means we understand that he does not see this job as unique.
We can infer that he does his job reluctantly and ask: “Doesn’t sound
like you’re enjoying it, huh?” Even though it is a closed-ended
question, it will raise a response that can take the conversation
deeper.

Oh fun, it’s finally Friday. How I’ve waited for this weekend!
Cool. Were you waiting because you had some specific
plans or because you are tired from this week?
I was waiting because I have tickets to this play, which I
booked a month in advance.
(Your response?)
Example response:
The trivial response would be to ask “Which play?” which is OK, it’s
nice. The problem with this response is that it isn’t really deepening,
and it does not create a personal connection. A better response
would be, “Who are you going with?” or “What’s so special about this
play?” An even better response would be, “You don’t look like the
play-loving type. Since when do you like them? Or is this something
special?”

Wow, so much traffic. I don’t want to drive like this.

You drown yourself in music, and it goes by in no time.
What’s so bad about it?
It’s a waste of time.
(Your response?)

Example Response:
You can show your interest: “Are you that busy? What would you
have done with this hour?” This is a good response because it lets
us into the inner world of the person we’re talking to, into the things
they do with their free time. Please also note that this wording also
allows for rapport because it refers to the person who complains
about the traffic. You can also choose a conservative response such
as, “How do you get to work? Is there no traffic on your way there?”
which lets us into the other person’s life in a subtler way.

How was your weekend?

Normal. At home, in front of the TV. Nothing special.
(Your response?)
Example Response:
Yes, I know the answer here is a bit challenging because when you
show your interest in someone and they give a dry response like
“normal, at home in front of the TV,” it closes the conversation.
Seemingly, there isn’t much to ask or a way to develop this
conversation from this point on. But remember that the point of a
deepener is to get to know someone’s inner world, so a good
response could be something like, “Huh. You don’t look like the stay-
at-home type. Don’t you like going out and having a good time?” This
is a good response because it takes the conversation in the direction
of acquaintance, a direction in which it is much easier to open up.
Another option is to ask, “If TV is the normal pastime, how come you
don’t get sick of it?” Notice that the response gives the feeling that I
was listening to what I’ve been told because I even use the same
words they used.

Of course, these were just a few examples. If you listen carefully,

you will find that you personally conduct countless conversations and
get countless responses that allow you to deepen. Use them.
Though you don’t have answers and directions like in this book,
practicing will give you a lot. Getting better comes from experience
and from making mistakes. Allow yourself to experiment, to err and
to learn new and additional ways to make a conversation go deeper.

In the next chapter we will understand how to get to someone in a

deeper, more personal way.

What is the “Inner World”?

Every person has an inner world that is uniquely his or her own, a
world that is comprised of qualities, world perceptions, personal
opinions, what triggers them emotionally, the decisions they make,
hobbies and more. Therefore, it stands to reason that when you talk
about a subject that relates to a person’s inner world, they will open
up and play along. If you talk to someone about something that is far
from their inner world, they will close up and get bored. For a
conversation to get deep, we must identify the things that comprise
the unique inner world of the person we talk to. There are always
some points of contact between the inner worlds of different people,
but there will never be total overlap in all components of the inner
worlds, between one person and another. For example, if I like
music, there are certainly others who like music, and if I like politics,
there are certainly others who like politics. But there isn’t a single
person out there who likes the exact same music as I do and holds
the exact same political views that I do, and has the same character
as I do – in short, who has an inner world that is identical to mine.
The inner world is completely unique for every individual. That is why
every person will respond differently to each topic. To succeed in
deepening, we must identify the inner world, and make sure we talk
about topics that touch upon their inner world. This does not mean
you have to talk about things that bore you. If you are curious
enough about the person in front of you (after all, how can you not
be curious when they contain a whole unique inner world?), you will
find more than a few topics that could interest you.

How Will You Identify the Inner World of the Person in

Front of You?
Clothing – Every person chooses to dress in a way that is unique to
them. You can get a lot of information about a person and their inner
world from the way they dress. Look at people, and see that
everyone dresses differently. In an airport, or even in a school that
has a uniform, everyone still has elements that are uniquely theirs.
These could include a piece of jewelry, a watch, a belt, a bag and so
on.
Speaking Style – Sharpen your sense of hearing, and detect if the
person before you has a specific accent, or words that they use a lot.
Identifying these characteristics and asking questions that stem from
them can lead to excellent deepening. For example, if you detect a
South American accent, it would be fantastic to ask, “This accent
sounds familiar. Are you not from around here? Where are you
from?”
Content – Of course, the content of what is being said provides
ample information, and should be used exactly like in the examples
which you practiced above. People give away details about their
hobbies, their opinions and other parts of their inner worlds. All you
have to do is identify and act accordingly.

Emotional Words – One of the components of a person’s inner

world is their emotional world. Emotional words express what makes
us move emotionally. Using the phrase “have to” indicates the
person isn’t enjoying what they are doing, and if they describe the
anticipation of meeting a goal with the words “really looking forward,”
they must be full of passion for it. Obviously, our emotional world is
not always positive – it has negative feelings like hatred, envy and
anger, which are a natural part of every person’s emotional world. It
is possible to go into those areas and ask questions, but it is
important to do so gradually, and not right away. If you reach the
point where your interlocutor is telling you about an event that made
them particularly angry in the past, you are in the deepening stage.
Once, I was driving to a friend who lived in a central part of Tel
Aviv. After about fifteen minutes of trying to find parking, this friend
suggested that I park the car in his parking spot, since he does not
own a car. But, inadvertently, I parked in one of the neighbors’
parking spots instead of that of my friend. I went up to his place, we
had beer and snacks, caught up on each other’s lives and shared
some laughs about experiences we had together. About an hour
later, the intercom rang. Through the line, I could hear the yell of the
neighbor whose spot I parked in. “Is there someone there with a grey
Suzuki that is parked in my spot?” My friend turned to me to check if
indeed I parked in the neighbor’s spot. From my explanation, he
understood I parked in the wrong spot. He said right away, “Yes. It’s
a mistake, I am sorry. My friend is coming down to move the car.” I
went down the stairs (Tel Aviv apartments have no elevators) to the
garage where I met the neighbor, who was angry and yelling, “What?
Don’t you see it’s not your friend’s spot? Can’t you see this is a
private parking spot? How can you park in my spot? Do I really have
to wait here until you come down to move your car?” To create
rapport, I answered in a high and fast tone, not at the same decibel
level as her but relatively close, with the aim of helping things calm
down and not to add to the fire and fury. I answered, “You are so
right. How could I not notice? How rude of me. By the way, that’s a
really nice belt. You got it abroad, right?” At that moment, the
“fighter” lady changed her expression. She smiled and answered,
“Right. It’s from the Netherlands. How did you notice?” It appeared
as though the belt was put there to get some attention from those
around her, which apparently, no one was giving her. The neighbor
started telling me with enthusiasm about how much she loves the
belt and how special she thinks it is. I naturally went deeper, and
asked, “Are all your clothes from abroad? Don’t you like shopping for
clothes here?” And so, the conversation went on pleasantly, beyond
what I expected. The friend, who was waiting for me to come back,
got worried and thought something must have happened to me…
maybe I was having an argument with the neighbor? Maybe she
called the police? He came down to check, and found us talking,
laughing so much we had lost track of time. He looked at me,
puzzled, seemingly asking, “What’s going on here? Wasn’t she mad
at you? And weren’t you just supposed to move the car?” I nodded to
confirm that all was OK, and even included him in our conversation.
After about twenty more minutes, I moved to the advancer stage.
“We were just having beer and snacks, care to join us? His place
would be more comfortable than here, in the middle of the garage.”
She agreed, and I am glad that this is how the interaction ended,
instead of with the police as my friend had imagined. This is the
power of deepening and entering the person’s inner world. Use it
wisely.

Keep the Conversation Constantly Flowing

This headline should not be interpreted to mean one should prohibit
silence in a conversation. It is fine and well if you feel comfortable
with silence. Rather, flowing conversation means changing topics of
conversation. You do not want to linger too long on a single topic of
conversation, but rather go on to the next topic, and to the one that
comes after that, just like you did in the association game. If, for
example, the topic of “travelling” reminds you of friends, then once
you have exhausted it, feel free to go to the next topic – “friends.”
You can start a new topic with a closed-ended question such as, “Did
you ever travel with friends?” and continue, “How many good, close
friends do you have?” or “Where did you meet them?” and so on. If
the topic of friends raises the association of going out, then proceed,
“Where do you like to go out to?” A flowing conversation and moving
between numerous topics enriches the conversation and creates a
greater sense of connection and comfort. At first, you may not
always succeed in finding a new topic of conversation or a new
question. Take it easy – it’s OK, it is a matter of practice. The more
conversations you have, and the more you practice the tasks this
book offers, the faster and more meaningful your progress will be.
So, the key to success is patience on the one hand and
determination on the other.

Be Present in the Present

Let’s get to know one of the most effective and important
components of interpersonal communication, especially in this day
and age.
We will distinguish between two states. The first is Up Time. In
this state, you are very attentive to everything that goes on around
you. Your attention is directed at what you see, hear and feel from
the outside world. In the opposite state, Down Time, you only deal
with the things that are happening within you, your thoughts and your
feelings. When in Up Time, thinking is almost non-existent. Try it for
a moment. Look around you and direct all of your attention to it. If
there are any noises, listen to them attentively, and try even to feel
the room’s temperature. If you managed to get to the state where all
of your attention is focused on what’s happening on the outside
without thinking and analyzing, you managed to get to the state of
Up Time. If you started analyzing (“Wow, this is weird”), or started
having thoughts, you were probably in Down Time.
The advantage of Up Time is that you get a lot of information, but
are not busy analyzing it, so you do not miss any pieces of
information. It is your subconscious that does the thinking and
acting, so there are no conscious thought processes; the
subconscious runs on autopilot. The disadvantage is that it’s hard to
get used to not having conscious thought processes, especially in
the modern age where most of us are constantly thinking. This is
why we cannot react properly to the information that we get, and we
are not even aware that we are getting it. Where is the paradox? On
the one hand, it is much more natural and right to act in the direction
of Up Time. Why is it right? Because this way, we do not miss the
important information that can serve us in the deepener and in
finding appropriate responses. On the other hand, how can you
create good automated responses without thinking, acting, analyzing
and applying the things we learn in this book? Up Time is an
important skill that you really want to practice. Once you have
practiced the communication skills enough, you go to the next level –
Unconscious Competence. This skill also becomes automatic. Even
without any connection to the issue of getting information, it is
important that you are fully attentive to people. The ability to listen
with full attention is very flattering to the other person. Especially
today, in the technological age, it is a very hard task; there are too
many distractions, phone calls, text messages, etc. If you want to
verify this, escort yourself to the nearest coffee shop and look
around you at couples or people on dates. How many of them
actually talk and are focused on one another, and how many glimpse
at their phones or look right and left, and not really giving full
attention to the person in front of them? A person who has the ability
to listen, grasp, understand and empathize with another has a great
advantage. Beyond the intense connection it creates between two
people, this quality makes you respond in a far better way. When you
are analyzing the situation and overthinking things (Down Time),
your attention is on your thoughts, so you miss the real information
that comes. Because your attention isn’t really aimed at the
information that you are getting, but rather is aimed inside, your
responses are thus less accurate and less relevant, and the other
person senses this. They might feel, “This person is not really with
me,” “These responses are not really about me,” “They were not
really attentive to the things I’ve been saying.” So, it is a good idea to
develop this ability to be present and focused on your partner – to be
in Up Time.
Though it may seem like a paradox – because we live under the
illusion that we respond properly thanks to our analysis and
overthinking – that’s not really the case. You will realize easily that
you respond better once you are in Up Time, more present in the
present and less occupied with the thoughts in your head.
Again, as I keep saying, I don’t want to take away the things you
know, but just add to it. I will not deny you the ability to be in Down
Time, as this state serves important causes. It can help you analyze
and focus on tasks – building plans, solving exercises, etc. Both
states are necessary, so no ability should be traded. We just want to
add abilities, so we have a real selection. The trick is to choose the
right direction of attention at the right time. When we are talking and
listening to a person, we want to be in Up Time. It contributes to the
connection, the conversation and the flow of the interaction.
The Present Presents Topic for Conversation
Another way of finding things to talk about is to communicate the
moment. If you look around you, you will find that many things
happen which can be excellent topics for conversation: passersby
who are dressed in a way that grabs your attention, a billboard in the
street that has something on it that you can talk about, or even
changes in weather can serve as interesting topics. So look around
you: what’s going on? The things around you could raise topics for
conversation. Since you communicate the moment, it will seem even
more natural.
I recall an event which took place on a Monday morning when I
arrived at the mall, which was packed full with people and cars, so
there was no parking. It seemed pretty abnormal because on
weekdays people are supposed to be at work, unlike Sundays and
holidays when such crowdedness might make sense. I was asking
myself how this could have been. In the elevator, I asked the people
who were riding with me, “Why is the mall so packed? Is there
anything special going on today?” And one of them said, “Most of the
people at the mall are women.” I looked around and really noticed,
for the first time, that most of the visitors were women. I asked her,
“They are. How come?” She answered that the women stayed at
home during the weekend, took care of the kids, and waited for
Monday morning so they could go shopping to catch some air. This
conversation started with me communicating the moment. I looked
around, I saw what was happening, and I extracted a topic for
conversation. Anything that happens, especially if it seems different,
could be an excellent topic for conversation. Practice it. Look around
you, detect interesting occurrences and naturally start a
conversation.
 One day, a young man was sitting in my clinic, a computer
science student, well-groomed and graceful, who told me how much
he longed for a relationship but was stuck in the dating phase. He
described in detail the stress he experiences when meeting a
woman. “It’s so stressful – you have to spend more than an hour with
a person that you barely know. It feels like a job interview. On the
one hand, it’s hard to get to know a woman and impress her in a
very short time, and on the other hand, the time that passes feels
like an eternity for both sides when you don’t know how to develop
the conversation.” I definitely understood what he was talking about.
He was the kind of man who sits in my clinic and I ask myself, “He’s
so charming, how come girls don’t grab him?” I understand that the
problem is in his ability to exhibit his qualities during a date. The
stress could sometimes be overwhelming, and with no clear way or a
model to apply, it is very easy to get lost. He told that he gets stuck
in conversations, and that the silences that occur last too long until
both sides get bored. I taught him the model that I developed while
working and practicing deep conversations. In addition, I explained
how to listen and be present in the moment, and how the present
brings about many surprises and interesting topics that can give us
fascinating topics for conversation. He promised he would practice
everything I taught him and update me at the next meeting two
weeks later. In these two weeks, he managed to practice and also to
meet a woman. My experience has taught me that two weeks are not
enough time to practice these skills and observe a change, but in his
case, it was sufficient indeed. He told me with enthusiasm that he
does not recall ever having such a fun date. I asked which things he
enjoyed. He told me how interesting it was to talk to the lady and to
get to know her in a pleasant manner so that she felt comfortable,
opened up and naturally asked him questions, which also helped her
identify his charm. I asked him if there were any silences. He said
there was one silence that occurred after an hour and a half of
conversation. I stopped him and asked how long the date lasted,
thinking the date ended after an hour and a half – after the silence –
because an average date lasts about an hour to an hour and a half.
But I was wrong. He said that while the date lasted three hours, it felt
like half an hour. I asked what happened in that silence and he said
they were talking about several topics and hit a dead end and got
quiet. He started applying the knowledge he had acquired and
practiced presence in the present. He noticed that in the place where
they sat, there were only female waitresses, and not even one male
waiter. After about five seconds of silence he asked, “Did you notice
that there are no male waiters here?” This sentence sparked
something in her and she started telling him how she doesn’t believe
in feminism. She thought there should be no equality and that every
gender has its advantage. In workplaces that require good looks
women can present their abilities, whereas in other places men have
advantages. He disagreed with her and claimed that since women
make less money than men that is really the place where they
should fight for their rights. And so, from one sentence, which was
started by using presence in the present, they developed a
fascinating conversation that continued to other topics and lasted
until the end of the date.
Sometimes, when you have nothing to say, the best thing is to
throw whatever grabs your attention into the dialogue. It could be a
thought that popped into your head or something that’s happening
around you. One important thing is, do not lose yourself! You have
tens of thousands of thoughts throughout the day, and if you start
communicating all those thoughts, you might tire the person in front
of you. Just be present in the present with that person, and be
sensitive to whatever is happening around you. If something grabs
your attention, you should share it. It might be a fantastic topic for
conversation and shield you against the next silence.

It is Possible to Have a Deep Conversation

with Any Person
With some people, the conversation is more challenging, because
they have answers that make it difficult for you to go deeper. It is
hard to find a lead to connect to their inner world, and then the road
to silences which do not advance the conversation is paved.
An excellent way to get over this barrier is to make assumptions.
When you make assumptions that reflect a person’s inner world, it is
easier to get more signals, and thus to complete the image of their
inner world. What does “making assumptions” mean? It means to
throw out guesses about the person’s character or something that
has to do with their inner world. In both cases, you gain connection
and deepening, whether you guessed right or not. Let’s assume you
wanted to start a conversation with someone and asked them how
their weekend was, and they replied, “I spent all of it home.” That’s a
rather laconic response, and it does not let us into their inner world
with ease. Most people would simply leave that person alone and
miss out on the chance to go deeper, even though it is there. All you
need to do is make assumptions. For example: “Oh, really? Are you
a home-type? You don’t seem like one.” Now, let’s imagine the two
scenarios: One in which you got it right, and the other in which you
didn’t. If you got it right, they would say, “Yes, I am a home type,” and
then it is a lot easier to go on because you got it right in their world
and you can go on and ask, “So you never go out with friends?” and
so on. In contrast, let’s assume our assumption was wrong and they
say they are not a home type. That is also excellent. “Huh, so what
happened this weekend to make you spend it all in front of the TV?”
In both cases, by making assumptions, we can get to the person’s
real inner world and develop a deep conversation. Don’t be afraid to
make mistakes, because either way, you will have the opportunity to
go deeper. If you got it right, they will open up and share what goes
on in their inner world with you, and if you didn’t get it right, they will
correct you and let you into their inner world through another door. It
is a way to go deeper and to respond even if you do not get sufficient
information, or you missed some information about the inner world of
the person before you.
You can make assumptions based on any information that you
get, and make them with regards to any component of their inner
world, such as:

A person’s character
Hobbies
Personal opinions
Habits
Decisions they made
Significant events they experienced
Dreams and plans for the future

The conclusions could be drawn from any information you get:

Clothing
Contents
 Style of expression (including accent and body language)
Actions

Do note, of course, that your conclusions should be neutral, not too

offensive or too negative, but ones that would get a response, that
touch the person’s inner world and that make sense.

What if You Don’t Find Them Interesting?

Curiosity and interest are important. We live in an age in which
people don’t know how to introduce themselves and how to be
interesting. Many people make themselves appear more interesting
on social media then they actually are. But when it comes to
interactions, we cannot introduce ourselves in the same interesting
ways which we use on social media. We meet expecting the same
interest that is created on social media, but in the absence of social
skills, we do not know how to fulfill this expectation. If this wasn’t the
case, we would ask more questions, become more involved and
know how to make interesting conversation. What do you do when
this does not happen? First, this is what this model of the Inner
World is for. If we said that each person is unique, and there is only
one of their kind (and yes, that means that you, too, are unique), how
can you allow yourself to miss that special someone? I sometimes
think that I just met someone who is special and unique, and that
there is no one like them. If I never meet them again, I will not be
exposed to this world again. This gives me strong motivation to
become curious and to get to know their world. After all, you wouldn’t
want to live in a world where you are focused only on yourself. You
already know you, but new people like these, you haven’t met yet.
Think what an incredible change of attitude this could be if you look
at every person as a unique being, and see it as a once in a lifetime
opportunity to get to know and meet their world. By the way, even if
we are self-involved, the right thing to do is still to become curious
about others.
I remember an incident that happened on a bus. Three people
who were sitting to my right were holding sheets of paper with study
materials and were asking each other questions. I inferred that they
were on their way to an exam on that subject. At first, I exchanged
looks with them, and after that, with some curiosity, I asked: “Do you
guys need help? I can test all of you on what you’re studying,” they
were glad for the offer that allowed them all to study equally. They
gave me all the sheets they had so I could ask the questions. During
the ride I looked in the pages and asked questions which I got from
the text, and they competed to see who answered correctly and
quickest. After a few questions, I noticed a very interesting question:
“How can you extract more juice from fruit?” The answer was to put
them in the microwave for ten seconds. I could not check to see if it
worked, but the trick sounded smart, I stopped for a moment and
asked them what they were studying. They replied that they were in
training to become chefs. I browsed through the material and noticed
subtleties that I never thought of when I cooked. For example, it is
advisable to heat the plate a bit before putting food on it, because if
you put warm food on a cold plate something may go bad. These
little tips got me excited. The students were, of course, glad that
there was someone who enjoyed listening to them, so they
continued telling me about small changes in cooking that brought
about great differences. And so, as my curiosity rose, they got more
comfortable telling me about the course they were in. Thanks to this
curiosity, not only did I meet new people, but I also got rich with good
tips regarding food (which, if I wanted to study in a formal manner, I
would need to pay a lot of money for). This is why I believe that
curiosity toward people can contribute, even if you are completely
self-involved. You can learn something from anyone and get a new
perspective. Every person has made choices, some of which are
different from those that you made, some of which are good and
some they regret. Listening to the inner world of the person before
you will allow you to learn from these good decisions and to
understand the thinking style that helped them move forward. You
can also learn from the wrong decisions, what you should be careful
of. Remember that any life story can teach you something, and even
if the person has an opinion that is opposite to yours, it is interesting
to hear how they got to it. Can’t there be a situation where you would
hold the same beliefs, if you had grown up and lived in the same
conditions and same environment as they did? Unlike most people
who are afraid of hearing an opinion other than their own, this is a
chance to open up and re-examine your opinion. You can choose to
be among the open minded people, who examine that which is
different instead of fearing it and running from it.
Every person holds countless opinions, decisions, knowledge and
habits that can give you a new perspective you will surely be happy
to get. So, how can you not be curious when you understand that
every person has a world that is uniquely theirs, from which you can
get so much? And this is on top of the fun and connection that occur
in an interaction with curiosity and interest.
So, if you can shift your focus from yourself for a moment, and
focus it entirely on the person in front of you, and show your
curiosity, you will get much more than you imagine.
How to Tell the Speakers From the Listeners
I want to create a coarse division between two types of people. This
division will help you match the right style of communication to the
person with whom you are interacting. The first type is called
“Speaker.” Speakers are the kind of people who like to talk and
prefer to talk. Which is their strong suit – talking or listening? In their
case, it is talking. It is not the same thing as a “chatterbox.” A
chatterbox is someone who talks with no connection to what’s being
said, and who overloads the conversation with irrelevant details.
Surely, no one would want a chatterbox in their social circles. A
Speaker is someone who likes to talk, they articulate their opinions
and explain them adequately, and they would love to share with you
if you just express your interest. Speakers are the kind of people
who like being dominant in a conversation, and they are very easy to
identify. In contrast, the other type is the “Listener” – they are those
who like to listen. If they do talk, it is to ask questions. They prefer to
give the stage to the other person, to allow them to speak and share
their views. Who do you think a Listener would connect with? They
cannot connect to a fellow Listener, because the conversation will
become boring, will not progress and will not develop. This is why a
Listener would prefer connecting with a Speaker. It works both ways.
A Speaker cannot connect with a Speaker, because if they both
speak, who would do the listening? It will be a dialogue of deaf
people. The Speaker would also prefer finding a Listener. Most
people have one style, Speaker or Listener, so they can only connect
with 50% of people. If you want a greater variety of people to be able
to connect to you and for you to be able to connect to, get a new
style. Learn to be both Speakers and Listeners. If you talk a lot, learn
how to listen, to keep quiet and to ask question without putting
yourself in the center of the conversation. If you aren’t such a big
talker, learn how to tell about yourself and share your experiences.
How do you know if someone is a Speaker or a Listener?
It’s very simple. Speakers are very easy to detect – they are
people who like to speak. They are the kind of people who, when
asked a closed-ended yes or no question, will give a whole story as
an answer. It is very difficult to misdiagnose a Speaker. However,
sometimes a Speaker does not talk a lot, but rather will keep quiet.
So, even if you do not detect that someone is a Speaker, this does
not necessarily mean that they are a Listener. They might just not
feel comfortable elaborating and talking a lot. So, if they do not talk,
that does not automatically mean they are a Listener. They could be
a Speaker who is not comfortable making conversation. One might
be uncomfortable for three reasons:

1. Timing – As far as they are concerned, the time is not right

for a talk. They are busy with other things, and it is not the
right time to talk and open up.
2. Location – If you are at a place that prevents the person
from talking freely, they will exhibit signs of lack of
cooperation. For example, if you are at a library, where you
are required to keep your voices down, or in a place where
there are people around you and the other person wouldn’t
want them to hear what she or he has to say, etc.
3. Topic – If you asked a question which they prefer, for their
own reasons, not to elaborate on, or you are discussing a
topic that makes them feel uncomfortable, like a
conversation about their ex, they may not play along.
If you have sharpened your senses with the exercises at the
beginning of the book, if you are able to detect discomfort, if there is
no other sign that the person is not comfortable and they still don’t
speak as much, he or she is a Listener. It is important that you notice
whether the person in front of you opens up when they speak or
when they listen. Either way, it means you have to be able to identify
both styles, and feel comfortable with them.

Task
Identify whether your strong suit is speaking or listening, and
strengthen the other side as well. If you are strong at talking, do your
best to develop your listening skills until you are comfortable with
both styles.

Components Which May Enrich the Conversation

If you want to make the quality of the conversation even better, there
are a few components you could add. They are not necessary, but
they make a fine addition, depending on how good you wish to
become. Brilliant conversationalists understand the importance of
these components, and therefore they never skip them. If you also
want to be a person who can make interesting conversations, these
are the additions that will help you.

Personal Experiences – Feel free to bring up experiences from

your memory. You should choose the optimistic experiences; it will
not sound so nice if you dump your problems on people, but if your
experiences are meaningful, they will make an excellent addition to
the conversation. The wider the range of your experiences, ones that
made you happy and ones that broke you, or dilemmas that ripped
you apart and put you between a rock and a hard place, or bumps
that you got over in your life, the more you will be seen as interesting
and conversations with you will be more exciting. So, next time you
take part in an interesting event, don’t dismiss it. Keep it with you,
because it could interest and move many other people as it touched
and moved you. This is especially true if you meet a Listener.
Remember that the level of familiarity and connection between
people is measured by the quantity and the quality of the
experiences they have had. The more experiences you’ve had and
the more meaningful they are, the greater the connection in
conversation. You do not have to physically go through the
experience. It is enough if you talk to someone who tells you a story
that really moves you, and in the duration of the story you connect
and experience it together. For example, they could tell you about a
difficult crisis they encountered, how they got over it, where they got
the idea for the solution and where they found the strength. In the
course of the story, they will really delve into those moments, those
choices and crossroads where they had to make decisions. You, the
listener, will not be able to stay indifferent and will experience the
difficulty with them throughout the story. This will make your
connection more meaningful. The number of experiences, their
intensity, and the emotional participation when listening will affect the
level of the connection and familiarity between you. This is why it is
important that you add an inventory of personal stories, and that you
remain open to listening to stories that your conversation partner
brings to the interaction. Personal experiences and stories will
contribute significantly to the sense of connection. It is important to
note that you mustn’t move on to the advancer stage before a
connection like this is established.

General Knowledge – Enrich yourself with general knowledge and it

will give you a lot of credit. It is good to be the type of person who
reads, learns and catches up with what’s happening. If you run into a
conversation about politics and you are not interested in politics, you
will at least know what it is about and who the actors are. The more
general knowledge you take with you, the more conversations you
could be involved in. Of course, this is not obligatory. If there is a
subject regarding which you have no knowledge, this does not mean
you cannot talk about it. You can make conversation specifically from
the interested perspective. This is a chance to make conversation
from a different place, an excellent chance to learn how your partner
is so riveted with a subject you never found any interest in. Let’s
stick to the example of politics: if you meet someone who really likes
politics when you have never even read the political section of the
newspaper, it could be interesting to find the differences between
you and them, and to ask, “How did you start liking politics? What do
you find appealing in this field?” In contrast, if you think that the
world of politics is dirty and dealing with it is pointless, then those
legitimate wonderments might lead you to ask wonderful questions
like, “Don’t you feel it’s a dirty and corrupt world? I feel it’s a waste of
time, which is why I could never find interest in it.” And they will
answer from their own perspective, which is probably different than
yours. This will make the conversation authentic and more
interesting, even though you have no knowledge on the topic.
It is good to equip yourself with general knowledge, but it is not
mandatory. The absence of general knowledge will not limit you; you
are able to create excellent conversations without it. It is best to
make sure that the conversation does not become completely
informative, and that it does touch the person’s inner world.

Light Language – An important component of the deepener is

easygoing use of language. I’ve had the chance to meet more than a
few people who speak in a formal language, mainly those working in
the fields of law and politics, news anchors, or others who work in
fields in which they need to use high language. These people will
also use high language in social contexts or on dates. For instance,
“I have made a faux pas.” This is not language one uses in everyday
life. Talking with words that are too high blocks the creation of
rapport and undermines the sense of comfort, which is why the
deepening stage will become much harder. If you want to create
rapport, speak in simpler and lighter language, and it is best if you
use the same language as the person with whom you are talking. I
use everyday language also when writing. In text messages, people
get wording and phrases of conversational language from me, such
as, “Mm…” or “Woah,” to create the feeling that it is part of an
everyday conversation and not something to stress over. Even if it
happens unconsciously, this stress is something we would want to
avoid. So, if your work requires the use of high language, get
yourself used to talking in light, everyday language also, and even
add in some slang to enable the creation of rapport.

Contact – Let’s talk a bit about contact. There are more than a few
studies, some are even quite famous, that show that popular people
use contact often. This is probably also why politicians shake hands
in a way that is different from normal, not just with the right hand, but
also with the left, in a way that wraps around the extended hand, and
the Ultra-Orthodox even add a pat on the shoulder. It seems
redundant. You gave a handshake? Good – move on. But they know
that a handshake with a caress using both hands, or a touch on the
shoulder, gives a warmer, safer feeling. Touch creates the exact
effect of a sense of warmth and connection. It is probably not just a
coincidence that popular people use contact a lot. It helps them
create a sense of connection, intimacy and affection. This is the
feeling we want to create with the people around us, so feel free to
use contact. When you shake someone’s hand, shake it with full
contact, and not with a flimsy hand, and feel free to embrace the
hand, with your other hand. When you give a hug, give it from your
heart. When you say “Way to go!” add a pat on the shoulder. Touch
will make you more popular. Additional studies tell us that contact
with the opposite gender enhances attraction, so if you spend time
with the opposite gender and you create contact it will make you
more attractive. If you are not used to it and it seems weird to you, I
suggest that you take a look at the people around you. Surely, there
are popular people around you who use contact. Use an inquisitive
eye to learn about the way and the timing in which they choose to
use contact. It should, of course, be done in a natural and
appropriate manner, and not in a coercive way that is not connected
to the situation. Normally, the right opportunity is created when you
wish to get someone’s attention, or while laughing. Of course, I am
referring only to warm and loving contact. If you don’t do it properly, it
could be creepy, and you will accomplish the opposite outcome.
Instead of having your popularity rise, you will be seen as creepy or
smothering – not a pleasant situation by any means. So make sure
to work into your interactions contact with a smile, and the intent of
creating rapport. It is important that the contact is not with an
intimate part of the body, but rather with the free parts, the areas that
are exposed to the sun. It is also important that you are perceptive
enough to feel if the contact makes the other person feel warm and
secure, or if it makes them feel uncomfortable. The more natural and
relaxed the contact, the more comfortable the other side would feel.
One should also pay attention to cultural codes of conduct. In
some frameworks, contact is a sensitive issue, such as in
workplaces, or in religious societies where contact is not acceptable
as part of interpersonal communication. For example, this might be
the cause in the Knesset, the Israeli Parliament. I write speeches for
members of the Knesset. Even though it is a formal social
framework, there is contact and hugs with members of Knesset that I
work with. They are warm people, so it is acceptable with them. In
contrast, with other members of the Knesset, all that happens is a
warm handshake with both hands. So, adjust yourself to the
relationship at the workplace and to the cultural codes in the
framework you are in.
Make sure to exhibit a friendly, warm and loving connection
through contact, with sensitivity to others which remains tasteful.

What Else Can You Talk About?

It is better to say what you shouldn’t talk about. There are some
topics which you don’t want to go into. I remember one time, when I
was studying Chinese medicine, I was looking at my professor, who
seemed quite young for a senior professor, and asked: “Leah, how
old are you?” She looked at me, frowning, and said, “Look, you’re
still a kid (and indeed, I was only 15 at the time). I will teach you an
important rule for your life. Never, never-ever ask a woman about her
age, her weight and her checking account balance.” The entire class
laughed with me, but beyond the laughter, a truth is hiding which you
should implement. Some questions and topics are better left
untouched, at least at the beginning. When the familiarity gets
deeper, these topics will become more legitimate. To illustrate,
imagine going on a date and having your partner talk about their
exes. It is uncomfortable, inappropriate and out of place. But if you
have been going out for some time, you might even want to know
about the number of exes, how long they were dating, and what the
relationship was like. Some topics should not be discussed, at least
at the beginning.
What are those topics? Emotionally charged topics such as
politics, animal rights and religion (especially if you have conflicting
views). Heavy topics will also go on that list, such as a terrorist
attack that happened that day, or some other serious disaster, and
topics which are hard to address because they burden the
conversation and make it unpleasant. You want the conversation to
be fun and pleasant. For that to happen, talk about lighter issues that
are easy and fun to discuss. Remember that the deepening stage
needs to evolve gradually, so you should advance to more loaded
topics with sensitivity and gradually. At first, choose topics that are
loaded with light emotion and that are not too personal.
Remember there are countless topics for discussion. Billions of
people worldwide are having countless conversations, and each of
those contain dozens of topics. So, the selection of topics that lay
out before you is vast, and there is no reason to opt for the ones that
would ruin the mood. Be alert to see if you have selected a topic that
is too heavy or too personal, and feel free to move on and get out of
it elegantly: “OK, what difference does it make. It seems that this is
not something we want to talk about.” And wander on to a new topic
of conversation.

Create Continuity
Sometimes, instead of advancing or deepening, it is better to let go.
There are some stages that can be smothered by advancement and
deepening questions, and it is only when you let go of the urge to
advance that the familiarity can develop faster. In these cases, I
highly recommend “continuity.” You should use this technique in
cases where you couldn’t advance the acquaintance for some time. I
witnessed the power of this technique when I was teaching it to a
client who came to my clinic. He really wanted to get to know the
receptionist at the gym he frequented whom he really liked. Gym
receptionists, especially when they are graceful and smiling women,
are highly sought after by well-built men who hit on them, which
makes the competition high. The chances of getting a date with them
are not high. This student realized that the timing for the advancer
stage is not good, and that he should stay a little longer on the
deepener stage, but he did not know how to do that. In our meeting, I
asked him what they talked about, and he said she really wasn’t free
to talk to him. She was busy with gym-related work, and when no
one was around, she studied for her theoretical driving exam. She
said that in between these things, she was really nervous about the
test, and that she was determined to pass it. I offered that next time
he meets her, he should start the conversation by asking: “How did
the theoretical exam go?” and so it was. He went to his regular gym
by his home, said hi to the receptionist and added, “Oh, yeah, how
did the theory test you were studying for go? Did you take it?” She
was very flattered that he remembered. “Wow, nice, how did you
remember?” And he answered modestly, “I try to pay attention to
those around me. Were you really as nervous as you thought you’d
be?” Here, she was even more surprised – he remembered her
difficulty. She immediately felt comfortable sharing. “I was nervous at
first, but then I looked at the questions and they were easier than I
thought.” And so they continued with a personal, in-depth
conversation which lasted about twenty minutes. At the end of these
twenty minutes, he decided it was time to advance things. “Well,
you’re in the middle of work, and as interesting as this conversation
is, maybe we should continue it when you get off.” By creating a very
good deepener, using continuity, he got an advantage over the
competition at the gym. Sometimes, instead of getting to the
advancer stage, use continuity as a deepening technique.

How to Talk Interestingly

We all know that moment when we sit with friends, start telling a
story, and then someone interrupts it and starts talking in the middle
of our story. As if that is not enough, everyone suddenly starts
listening to that person instead of continuing to listen to us, even
though we had already started. Our automatic response is to get
upset with the injustice. After all, we started, why are they listening to
someone else? But the answer has nothing to do with justice. People
do not listen according to what is fair; they listen according to what
interests them. If you do not want to be interrupted, or at least, that if
you are interrupted, people will continue listening to you and not to
the person who interrupted you, you need to be more interesting and
fascinating in the way you speak and tell a story.
In this chapter, I will reveal the methods for making our speech
fascinating and interesting. I will divide it into three parts. The first
part will be about intonation (the tone we use), the second part will
be about body language (yes, that also affects the experience of the
story) and the third part will be about the way to tell a story (story
telling). So let’s start with intonation.

Intonation
Intonation is the tone that we use. Just like you couldn’t listen to a
song which is comprised of just one note, there is no reason to talk
using just one note. Think about it – how does a song work? A good
song is a song with melodies, meaning, scales where the tones
suddenly go up, and then down, and then there might be a pause
which is a type of silence, right after which a burst will come – with
all the instruments in a harmony that is full of melodies. This is how
the interest in the song is created. This logic works in speech also,
and not just in songs. Most people speak with a monotonous speed
with no change in tone, and that is boring! How will you not be
interrupted? You wouldn’t want to listen to such a song, so why
would you want to listen to someone who talks in this manner?
When we talk or when we tell a story, we must be diverse in every
one of the components. Let’s review the important components of
speech. Remember that the most important thing is to be diverse. It
is not a good idea to be monotonous and boring in any of these
components: inflection, speed, phonetic emphasis and voice.

Inflection – With tones, every once in a while, feel free to use higher
pitch sounds, and sometimes lower ones (bass). Of course,
broadening your range is a matter of habit and skill. You may even
feel that jumping around between different tones is artificial at first,
until it becomes natural. If you feel the need to practice, take a
keyboard (or even a keyboard app), hit a random note, listen to it,
and try to talk in that tone only. After you do that, change notes, and
try to only use the new tone, and so on, until you feel it is natural for
you to talk in a wide range of notes.

Speed – I-t i-s r-e-a-l-l-y b-o-r-i-n-g t-a-l-k-i-n-g a-t a c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t s-

p-e-e-d.
Feel free to play with the speed of your speech, talking more
quickly every once in a while (especially when you are not talking
about the main things) and slowing down the speed of your speech
(especially when you want to emphasize something).

Phonetic emphasis – This is a really interesting component

because using it can alter the meaning of the sentence. Note that I
can ask a question using the same words with different phonetic
emphasis, so it means different things every time.
If I ask a friend, “Are you coming today?” they will think that I am
asking whether they are coming or not. But notice what happens if I
emphasize the word you: “Are you coming today?” Now the
question is whether they are coming or if someone else is. In
contrast, if I ask: “Are you coming today?” I am actually asking
whether they are coming today or some other day. So, even though I
used the same words, I create different meanings. Pay attention to
the meaning you create, and the meaning you wish to create by
emphasizing the right words.

Voice – Take note not to talk in an irritating voice, which could sound
that way if it is coming from the throat. It brings up the association of
a teacher, and unconsciously makes people not want to listen to you.
Soften your voice. Sometimes some sports, stretches or a massage
of the throat and chest area can allow the air to flow smoothly, so
your voice sounds more pleasant. Get yourself used to talking from
the belly or from the chest. When the voice comes from deeper in
the body, it carries intensity with it and prevents your voice from
being irritating. Good singers also work hard to sing from the belly or
the chest, knowing that singing from the throat could affect the
texture of their voice, which would ruin the musical experience.

Body Language – Fifty-five percent of our message is conveyed

through body language and 37% of the message is conveyed
through the intonation, whereas only 7-8% of the message is
conveyed through words. To talk in a way that is interesting, we must
communicate the experience using body language, which includes
facial expressions, body posture and hand gestures.

Body Posture – It is important to find a balance between standing

erect (which conveys vitality) and being relaxed (which conveys
calmness). Most people have a hard time finding this balance. When
they erect their bodies and stretch the shoulders, it could be tense
and even too stressed. At first, especially, it takes the muscles some
time to get used to this new position. Think about how we spend our
entire lives in front of computers and screens that atrophy our back
and shoulder muscles. This is why it may be uncomfortable to get
these muscles used to being upright and stable. Feel free to look at
yourself in the mirror to find the balance between relaxation and
stability.

Facial Expressions – Let’s start with understanding what not to do.

Don’t have a frozen face and don’t be overly theatrical. The face’s
job is to communicate the emotional world that is going on inside.
Even the name suggests that you are faced with the reality of the
other person’s inner world. Work on having your face relaxed and
stress-free (facial massages, especially in the forehead area and
around the eyes can really help). Eye contact and, of course, a smile
are important components that magnetize people. Notice your facial
expressions; they are an important part of your message. When you
tell a story or say something of importance, make sure your
expressions are in sync with what is being said. This is why you want
to connect with your feelings and relive the story as you tell it.

Hand Gestures – Your hand gestures should support your verbal

message. For example, if you are describing a tough decision and
your difficulty in choosing, it would be good if your hands create a
scale, or a movement which supports the experience of being in a
crossroads. It is, of course, important not to make movements that
are too big or aggressive with your hands, because that might
threaten those around you. Create synchronization between your
hands and the experience featured in the story you are telling.

Storytelling

“Words don’t change people, experience does.”

Milton H. Erickson

When people tell a story, they tend to emphasize the importance of

what should be said, when in reality, the really important part of the
story is the experience that is created. A good story is measured by
its ability to create an emotional experience for the listeners.
It is much easier to think of a story in this way. For example, if we
want to tell a story that will make people laugh, we can ask
ourselves, “When did we last have a laugh?” If we want a story that
will make people excited, we can ask, “When did I last feel excited?”
Every such case is a story we could tell.
A good story has three components: Opening, Body and Point.
Each component has a role. Someone who “doesn’t know how to tell
a story” or who “ruins jokes” is a person who skipped one of the
components, or who did implement all of the components but failed
to carry them out successfully.

Opening – The purpose of the opening is to get the listeners in the

mood. The shorter their attention, the shorter the opening should be,
or at least, the faster you should get to the body. In cases like these,
you can talk more quickly.

Body – This is the main subject and the main experience of the
story. In this part, it is important to provoke the right emotions, to use
descriptions and intonations which will create the right experience for
the listeners. Find the right balance between getting the listeners into
the experience, giving enough attention to descriptions and
intonations and monitoring the speed of progress. You do not want to
give listeners the feeling that the story is stuck.

Point – This is the emotional, experiential, intellectual shift at the

end of the story. It is an insight that changes something in our
consciousness or creates a new emotion. This could be laughter or
relief, or any other relaxed emotion that states that the end of the
story is coming. You must have met people who tell pointless stories.
These are stories that sound something like, “Oh, on Friday I had
coffee with Elinor and she is so funny.”

We said that a good story is measured by its ability to create an

emotional experience. In that case, the body stage is supposed to
build the tension and conflict of the story, to prepare us for the point
stage.
An example for a good story:
(Opening) When I was in the military, I had a good friend named
Ro’ee. He would tell me everything, even secrets he never told
anyone else.
(Body) He once told me in secret that he cheated on his girlfriend,
and made me swear I wouldn’t tell anyone, and his girlfriend above
all. Of course I said yes. Two days after that, his girlfriend called me
and asked: “Paz, Ro’ee already told me he is cheating on me. Do
you know her?” From the way she asked the question, I was
convinced he really did tell her, but I wasn’t sure because I distinctly
remembered that he asked me to keep it a secret. So I was faced
with a dilemma – which is better? Telling the truth so I wouldn’t be a
liar, or lying to her and saying that I don’t know anything so our
friendship wouldn’t be affected?
(Point) I told her: “Wait a minute. The officer is calling me. I’ll call
you back in a minute.” I then called him and asked if he really did tell
her. He said it was a trick she was using to confirm her suspicions
and asked me that I continue keeping the secret. After a minute, I
called her back with a heavy heart, and since I promised to keep the
secret for the sake of our friendship, I told her that he didn’t tell me
anything about that, and that if she suspects something, she should
talk to him. Since then he saw me as a true friend, and I had a hard
time promising to keep a secret.
 More than a few people think, “My life is boring. I have nowhere to
get stories from.” You do. Everyone does. What do you do and how
do you find a good story? In fact, any experience you ever had is a
story. Any embarrassing mishap is a story, any moment when you
laughed, any situation where you got excited, curious or felt any
emotion that you would like to share is a potential story. This is one
of the reasons I recommended earlier in this book that you create an
interesting life, full of activity for yourself. It will add to your story
bank. The chance of finding a story from a life of routine, TV and
sleeping is very slim. The more interesting your life is, the more
riveting stories you’ll have.

Knowing the Wheat from the Chaff

One of the worst things is when someone tells you a story that
sounds like this:
“Yo, listen to this! On Sunday, I was sitting with a friend at a café,
and suddenly…No, wait, sorry. It was Monday. On Monday, I was
sitting with a friend and…no…one second, it couldn’t have been
Monday. So yeah, I was right before, it was Sunday. So, to make a
long story short, on Sunday I was sitting with…actually…what day is
this? How can that be?” There is no doubt that with a story like this
we will find ourselves losing patience very quickly. Why? Because it
doesn’t really make any difference whether it happened on a Sunday
or a Monday. What’s important is that we know what happened
there, and not so much when it actually happened.
There are quite a few people who want dearly to be listened to,
but can really make you lose your patience.
If you want to be listened to, it is important that you know the
wheat from the chaff, to separate those things that are important
from those that are not, so there is not a single sentence that makes
people think, “Come on! Why is this important right now?” and lose
touch. Every sentence you speak must be interesting and topical.
It works in both directions. If you are telling a story that start with,
“On Sunday, I was sitting with a friend and…”, and suddenly
someone interrupts you and says, “It wasn’t Sunday, it was Monday,”
that person seems uninteresting.
How can you tell which parts are important and which aren’t?
The important things are very easy to find – it’s the information
you can’t go without. In the absence of that information, the story will
take a turn, or become unclear and not understandable. If we take,
for example, the short story: “Last night I was sitting with workmates
at a pub, and the boss called and told all of us that there is tons of
work, and we have to come back to finish it all.”
The call from the boss is the important part. It is the heart of the
story, and without this information, we will not be able to enjoy the
story in the same way. In contrast, getting information on which
project it was that we needed to complete would not make any
difference in the way you experience this story.
To sum up the difference, information and detail are usually in the
“not important” category, whereas sentences that advance the story
or anything else that is experiential usually go in the “important”
category.
For practice, here are a few short stories and below them are
sentences that contain information from the story. Write next to each
sentence whether it is an important part of the story or not.

1. Yesterday I had beers with Yaniv, Lior and Nitzan, and then the
waitress came and gave us shots on the house. At first, we thought
she was coming on to us, but as it turns out, she just hates the place
where she works and she wanted to waste as much of their booze
as she could.

a. The names of the friends with whom I had beer.

Important\Not important
b. The shots were on the house. Important\Not important
c. The waitress was suffering where she worked.
Important\Not important
d. It happened yesterday. Important\Not important
e. We ordered beer. Important\Not important

2. My girlfriend and I were watching Game of Thrones. She identified

one of the actors and said, “OMG, I know him! Kudos to him for
going places. He was my neighbor when I lived in the States.”

a. We were watching Game of Thrones. Important\Not

important
b. The exact words my girlfriend used. Important\Not important
c. She lived in the States in the past. Important\Not important

3. I didn’t sleep all night. I worked so hard on the English paper I had
to submit that I didn’t have any time to sleep, and now I don’t know if
I should go to work. I work in Rishon LeZion as a newspaper sorter
for Globs.

a. I didn’t sleep all night. Important\Not important

b. I wrote the paper last night. Important\Not important
 c. The paper was in English. Important\Not important
d. I can’t decide whether or not to go to work. Important\Not
important
e. I work in Rishon LeZion. Important\Not important

Good luck!
The answers are in the next chapter.

Answers
First story

a. Not important. We would enjoy the story all the same if the
names were different.
b. Important. It is the twist in the story, and it is the thing that
creates the experience.
c. Important. This is also surprising; we would expect her to
bring us shorts because she likes us. This twist contributes
to the experience.
d. Not important. We would like the story all the same if it had
happened the day before yesterday, or even last week.
e. Not important. This information does not move the central
story forward.

Second story

a. Important. It is very interesting if she knows a hero of a

renowned TV show versus if it were an unimportant one.
This creates interest which enhances the experience of the
 story, so this information is important. I remind you that the
definition of “important” is information that contributes to the
experience.
b. Not important. The message is more important than the
exact wording. The exact wording is not necessary. Even If
you get a word or two wrong, the listeners will be able to
enjoy the story all the same.
c. Important. Without this information, confusion and even
distrust might arise.

Third story

a. Important. Without it, the story is pointless. The whole story

was constructed to explain the reasons why I didn’t sleep at
night.
b. Important. The essence of the story is that I didn’t sleep last
night for an important reason, such as writing a paper.
c. Not important. The experience of the story would not
change if I had written the paper in Hebrew.
d. Important. This is the essence. The rest of the information is
the preface to this indecision.
e. Not important. This information does not contribute to the
experience.

Now that you know the difference between what’s important and
what isn’t, don’t give too much irrelevant information, and definitely
don’t get stuck on it.
Examples of Deepening Questions
In addition to all the explanations about how you can go deeper,
examples can illustrate it more clearly, which is why I chose to add a
set of questions that can be used with any person with whom you
want to go deeper: on a date, with a client, in your social circles, and
even with your workmates.
Take note that all the questions here are personal and not
informative, and that they can be used to easily get to the inner world
of the person in front of you. Each of these questions can be
developed into a full, personal and fascinating conversation. Feel
free to add questions and to create a larger bank, which you’ll be
able to use when appropriate.

Closed-Ended Questions

1. Do you have any hobbies that date back to your childhood?

2. If everyone on earth would be like you, would it be a good
thing or a bad thing?
3. Do you like reading books?
4. Are you introverted or extroverted?
5. Are you superstitious?

Multi-Option Questions

1. If you could commit one crime and not get caught, what
would you choose?
2. What is the game you enjoyed the most as a child?
3. Who are you closest to in your family?
4. Who is your most influential friend?
 5. What’s your favorite song?
6. If something good happens to you, who do you tell first?
7. If you could effortlessly learn another language, which
language would you choose?
8. If you could change one thing in your appearance, what
would it be?

Open-Ended Questions

1. If you won 2.5 million dollars in the lottery, what would you
do with it?
2. When were you proud of yourself?
3. What happy day of your life do you remember the most?
4. What did you want to be when you were little?
5. What interesting thing did you learn this month?
6. If you had a crystal ball that could answer any question
about your life – past, present and future – what would you
ask?
7. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
8. If you could wake up tomorrow with any ability you choose,
which ability would you want to have?
9. What is the most courageous thing you’ve ever done?
10. If there was a Genie that could fulfil any wish you wanted,
what would you ask for?
11. What’s important for you in a relationship?
12. What occupies your mind recently?

Dilemmas
 1. If you could live for one year in which your every dream
came true – a year full of success and happiness, and after
that year, you would black out and forget it all – would you
do it?
2. If you could kill using just your thought, would you use that
ability?

Third Stage – Advancement

Advancement
Most people understand the first stage, the opener, very well. They
understand that they need to practice the second phase, the
deepener, in which they get sharper and sharper, but the third stage,
advancement, makes them feel threatened. For some reason, there
are quite a few people who are afraid of this stage, and
understandably so. This is the only stage in which you can get a very
clear and unpleasant “no.” After all, in the opening stage, especially
if it is done naturally, one might give a summarized answer, or
answer briefly and move on. In the deepener stage, the worst that
could happen is that the person might feel that your question is
personal and too intrusive, but that could also easily be fixed. In the
advancement stage, you think that if you get a “no,” then all is gone.
It creates the feeling that this will be the end of the interaction. So, in
this chapter, we will learn how to successfully implement this stage,
what to do when the advancement stage fails, and how to get over
the fear of rejection.
One day, a young second-year student came to my clinic. She told
me that one of the things that really upset her about her studies was
that they had to submit papers in couples and trios, and somehow
she would always end up teamed with people that no one else
wanted to do it with. When she started working with them, she found
out why. Some were disrespectful toward the assignment or dropped
all the work on her, and others treated her in a nasty way. The end
result was that the work process with those people caused her
suffering. She saw how the rest of the students were matched with
the high-quality people in the course, and have a nice and
comfortable work process and was jealous of them. She got to my
clinic after she decided that the second year of her studies would not
be the same as the first. We met in order to allow her to acquire the
skills that would allow her to connect with the high-quality people in
her study course. In the meeting, we practiced the entire model of
opener, deepener and advancer. She was very talented, and
understood things quicker than expected – how to open a
conversation and how to make the connection and familiarity go
deeper, and that’s what she did. A week later, she came to the clinic
for a second meeting. I asked her what was new and whether she
managed to start conversations and take them deeper. She told me
with enthusiasm that she really enjoyed getting to know high-quality
people in depth, and because the conversation was so interesting,
they were way more interested in her than she was used to, which
flattered her and really enhanced her pleasure from the interaction.
But the hard part was the advancer stage, even asking for a phone
number. So she settled for finding out what their full name was, so
she could find them on social media. This was the situation when
she arrived at my clinic, at a loss about what to do next. “What
should I do now? Do I just send them a message? It’s weird. It’s not
connected to the situation.” Before I had the opportunity to explain to
her how to advance things, she had a hard time imagining herself
doing it, and she continued giving excuses to stay in the comfort
zone and avoid the risk of the advancer stage.
There is no doubt that this stage could be threatening, especially
when you do not know how to do it properly. It is important that you
know that this stage is much safer and friendlier than the impression
it gives at the beginning, because, at the end of the day, people want
to be near you. You are a high-quality person who reads books (or at
least a high-quality book like this one), who enjoys personal
development and are also able to have a good conversation. Most
people would be lucky to add high-quality people like you to their
social circles, especially in our age where more and more people
suffer loneliness and yearn for new friends. There are also quite a
few people who do not connect with their close social circles. They
continue to be with them with the faint excuse that “we have been
friends for many years, and where will I find new friends now?” But if
they had the opportunity and the ability, they would trade them right
away for other friends of higher quality. And finally, high-quality
people like you connect with them, so why would you fear advancing
it? You will realize how much simpler this stage is than you thought,
especially if you do it correctly and according to the stages described
in this book. It might not be simple in the beginning, or practicing
might take a lot of effort, but eventually it will be easy. Everything is
difficult before it gets easy!

What is the Purpose of Advancement?

Imagine that you are going out to a restaurant. You sit. You get a
menu, and you look at it to see if there is anything on it that you’d
like to order. The menu is even designed nicely, with attractive
pictures that get your appetite going, and chef-cuisine that makes
you want to chow everything down. After a few minutes of thinking
about it, you decide what you want to get to eat and drink. When the
waitress comes, she says you cannot order those dishes; rather you
can only enjoy observing the menu and the pictures on it. How will
you respond? You will probably look at her, amazed, not
understanding what the point is of this restaurant if you cannot eat in
it. After all, it really makes no sense. If a business offers products for
sale, we, the clients, would want to consume them, and the business
owner would want to sell them. Interpersonal communication works
in much the same way. We are the product that people would want.
Even though people don’t really purchase you or pay you, they
would want to take some of your time and presence, and you would
want to give them some of your time, and so, there is no reason not
to offer. Of course, much like in a restaurant, if the food on the menu
does not get your appetite going and make you want to savor it,
there is no chance that we would want to get anything to eat there.
Metaphorically, the deepening stage is the menu which raises your
appetite. If you haven’t experienced the joy (appetite) at the
advancement stage, you will not get the urge to advance the
relationship to the next level. So, it is very important to practice the
deepening stage very well, because the success down the line
depends on it. If we go along with the metaphor, the advancement
stage is when the waitress comes and asks you what you would like.
There is no reason to fear the advancement stage, just like you
would probably never see a waitress who is afraid, thinking, “Oh…
maybe no one would order…” or “Maybe no one will even come in to
the restaurant.” She knows that there are always people who are
hungry. And we know that there are always people who are hungry
for attention and high-quality friends. All that is left for us to do is
present them with the offering in a way that would make them want
to eat, and so we can expand our social circles.

Find What is in You

In order for you to be able to perform the advancement stage
successfully and be comfortable with it, it is very important that you
believe in yourself, believe that you are a wonderful person whose
presence draws people and that if you were the one on the other
side, you would want to stay in touch with you. Really believe,
wholeheartedly and with full confidence that you have something to
offer. The “something to offer” can be a great many things. It could
be the ability to start a fascinating and pleasant conversation and to
create a fun and interesting atmosphere, or it could be your world,
fields of work and interest that others may be glad to get to know and
be exposed to. And it might be that you have amazing friends, and
you are a key for the expansion of the other person’s social circles,
and so on. If you truly believe that you have something to offer, and
that you are the kind of person that others would want and be happy
to have around them, this will boost your self-confidence and help
you to feel comfortable during the advancement stage. The
advancement stage may not succeed if you do not feel and believe
that the other person is benefitting from knowing you. To exemplify, it
is like a salesperson who does not believe in their product. In this
case, when you offer advancement, you are both the salesperson
and the product. If you do not believe in yourself, you are like a
salesperson who does not believe in the product they are selling.
When you do not believe in the product, the client senses it, and in
your case, those around you will feel your disbelief in yourself, and
they will not respond positively to your offer for advancement. So,
feel free to find reasons in you. What are the reasons for which
people might be glad to know you? They don’t have to be
characteristics that are uniquely yours. They can be characteristics
that others also possess. For example, sense of humor. Even if you
are not the only funny person, and there are other funny people, it is
still a good reason because funny people are fun to be around, so
take note of it. List at least three characteristics which you feel may
be appealing to people. If people discover or find it in you, it will
greatly enhance their desire to advance the acquaintance with you.

Ways of Advancement
Let us take a moment to understand the different kinds of
advancement. The thought that automatically pops to mind is that
advancement necessarily means asking for someone’s phone
number, or proposing another meeting with them. But this is a distant
advancer. An advancer could exist on different levels, in something
that’s as basic as a change in body language, and in something as
advanced as a marriage proposal. It is very important to match the
level of advancement to the time and the level of familiarity as well
as the other person’s ability to contain it. There are people who find it
more difficult to contain and they need more space. For them,
changes must be gradual; it is difficult for them to allow new people
into their lives. If you move too fast for their speed, even if there is
potential for the development of a very successful relationship, they
will push you back, close down and even get nervous. So, it is
important to stay alert and attentive to these signs – we will later
discuss how to identify them – and advance things in the right
manner, at the right time, at the right speed and gradually.
In contrast, what do you think happens in the opposite situation?
That is, when we do not advance when it is time to do so? Well,
opinions differ. If advancement happens with a reasonable delay,
expectation for advancement is created. Of course, if we do not
advance for too long – you will later learn to identify the signs of this
– we will be automatically labeled as distant people. But it is still
better to advance too late than too soon, because if you advance too
soon you create pressure which may burn you. If you linger with
advancement, it may even create anticipation and curiosity, which
are positive in interpersonal interaction. In the absolute majority of
cases, I see no problem with a reasonable delay for advancement,
so you have nothing to fear.

What are the Types of Advancement and Ways

for Advancing?
Advancement does not have to be for “next time.” It could also be
immediate. Let’s assume that you meet someone and create good
conversation with them. You can even create advancement at the
physical level: “Let’s sit. Why are we standing?” It’s a step that takes
the acquaintance one step forward.
With the opening, we create non-binding conversation. This
should also be communicated with body language, giving the person
the feeling that they can leave at any given moment. Our body
language can communicate that we are OK with the possibility of
leaving at any moment. That’s why good body language for the
opening is talking while the body is leaning sideways, and not to the
front with your entire body. After getting through the opening stage
and creating a good deepener, the advancer could also just be a
shift of body posture, where you turn your whole body toward the
person you are talking to, instead of the previous situation where
your head was turned to them and the rest of the body was turned to
the side.
Advancement at the next level is already advancement toward the
next “stop.”
A young Business Management student was sitting in my clinic
one day. He was not content with the friends he grew up with his
entire life. At the college where he was studying, we found high-
quality people like him who he wanted to let in to his close social
circles. He started a conversation with a good opening and was able
to deepen in a way that created a great deal of interest. He showed
his interest and asked why they chose to study Business
Management of all things. The conversation went on and got to their
dreams and goals, and at some point in the conversation, he made
the natural advancement, which led to the next stop. After about
fifteen to twenty minutes of conversation, he said: “Wow, I’m getting
hungry. Are you hungry too? Want to go grab a bite somewhere?”
They chose not to interrupt this interesting conversation and went on
to the next stop – to a nearby restaurant. At this point it is much
easier to make the classic advancer of exchanging phone numbers
or setting another meeting for lunch. The chances for cooperation
are also higher because at this stage, they feel like they already
know each other. Having changed location contributed to that.
I remind you that in the deepener chapter, we discussed how the
acquaintance between people is measured by the number of
experiences they had together – experiences that were conveyed
using a story. If you are telling someone something or they are telling
you something, and you are experiencing it together, it strengthens
the connection and rapport. Here too, different advancers strengthen
the connection and rapport. Moving physically to another location
can greatly contribute to the interaction and connection because the
subconscious considers the changing of location as another
experience. Its interpretation is that the other person is more familiar
and easier to be comfortable with. If you can even offer an
advancement at the immediate level, such as, “Let’s move here for a
moment,” or “I have to get something to drink, wanna come with me
for a moment?” or “Would you walk me to the bus stop,” these are
non-intimidating, simple, and, of course, still create advancement.
This advancement allows the other person a chance to invest and
get involved. This will enhance your chances of getting to more
advanced advancements, like exchanging phone numbers, another
meeting and other advancement which are not so good to offer right
off the bat.

How Will You Detect the Level of Advancement?

Many times you may find yourself trying to decide whether it would
be better to suggest a subtle advancement, like a change of location
or a shift in body language, or to suggest a more advanced
advancement like another meeting. This question could be solved
with the help of one simple question. If you can get the conversation
to the question: “Where did you meet your closest friends,” then you
will know what is the connection pace that is comfortable for the
person in front of you by the answer. People who have difficulties
with changes are those who maintain friendships for longer periods
of time, and so, the advancement will also need to be slower and
more gradual. In contrast, if people tell you, “They’re friends that I
met recently; I have tons of friends, from the military and from here
and there,” you will understand that advancement can go faster
because it is natural for them. It is important, of course, to ask this
question in a natural way that seems related to the conversation.
You can get to this question from any topic. If, for example, you are
discussing music, you can get to it gradually, like: “Do you and your
friends have an identical taste in music?” and then you can ask:
“Wait, are you even good friends? How long have you known each
other?” And so you can get feedback on the level of advancement,
the magnitude of advancement and the speed of advancement.

Task
Choose five topics for conversation and write down a sequence of
questions that brings you to the question that allows you to know
how fast to advance.

The Way to Make Sure it is the Right Time

to Advance
Before you advance, it is advisable that you perform a small test that
allows you to check the readiness of your conversation-partner for
advancement. Advancement will not work well if the person does not
feel that they want to proceed to the next level in the conversation, or
if they don’t feel that the conversation has been pleasant thus far. If
up to this point in the interaction they were suffering, showing signs
of impatience, looking at their watch, and possibly thinking, “When is
this person going to go away,” it is obvious that advancement is out
of the question. If you are able to detect these signs, you could avoid
advancing prematurely. But if they suddenly check the time, realize
it’s been twenty minutes, and say, “Wow, how did twenty minutes go
by like that? I thought we were only talking for two minutes,” in this
case it is very natural to offer advancement.
What is the difference between the two cases? In the first, they
wanted to end the interaction, whereas in the second, they wanted to
continue the interaction. Therefore, for us to advance, it is important
that the person has the desire to continue the interaction.
There are several ways to check if they want to continue the
interaction and if the timing is appropriate to offer advancement.
Note these signs, which tell you what is the recommended level of
advancement and whether or not it is the right timing for it:

Asking questions – If your interlocutor is also asking questions, and

it’s not just you. If they are actively participating in the conversation,
we can infer that they are also interested in you and want to continue
the conversation with you. Their way of getting the conversation to
continue is by asking questions. This is why, if it happens, you
should take notice.
Small “tests” – Small and non-threatening tests that you can
perform during the interaction to test the level of interest of the
person in front of you, for example, by using body language. If you
take a step back and continue talking normally, pay attention to see if
they are coming toward you or if they stayed where they were. If they
are coming toward you, it’s likely that they want to continue the
interaction and are expressing it in an unconscious manner. On the
other hand, if they are not coming, it is probably not the right time for
advancement.

Let’s Assume We Have Advanced – There’s another test you can

use. Let the other person imagine a situation in which you are both
present and see how they respond. Do they respond positively or
negatively? The beauty is when it is done in the course of
conversation, in a natural, casual way. An example of this happened
to a student of mine named Nitzan, who found himself in a political
argument with a person he met. Nitzan noticed that other people
who were circling around them were not quite so interested in this
political argument. For this reason, he was faced with a dilemma:
should he end that conversation in spite of the fact that the person
was fascinating and he was interested in letting him into his social
circle? Or should he continue the conversation and hang the other
people there out to dry? In this case, Nitzan decided to test the
situation to see if the discussion raised his interlocutor’s interest, with
the purpose of offering advancement. So he said, “Trust me, if I sat
with you for a whole hour, and told you everything you don’t know,
you’d change your mind.” A statement like this is a test that tricks the
mind, because to answer that question, the person must imagine the
situation in which they sit together for a whole hour and talk about
politics. And this imagination embeds this option in the sub-
conscious instead of keeping it completely foreign. And so, he could
get an objective reflection of that person’s opinion on advancement.
For example, if he said something like: “Yeah, maybe,” it is likely that
Nitzan would have realized that there was no real interest or desire
to continue the conversation. In contrast, in the case described here,
the person did express his interest, and said: “Find the time, and I’ll
gladly sit down for a beer with you.” So, not only did he express his
interest, he also offered the advancement, or so it sounded to the
people around them. But what they didn’t know is that Nitzan had
planted the advancement once he allowed that person to imagine it.
Some people might say, “Great idea. I’d go for that,” and even take
the initiative into their own hands, while others might move on,
elegantly ignoring it. This is the way to know if the time for
advancement has arrived or if we should go back and invest more in
the deepener. It is important to advance at the right time and not too
soon. Advancing too soon might stress the person and spoil the
creation of rapport.

The Advancement Should Make Sense

We live in an age in which it is very easy to not be comfortable with a
lot of things. An age in which one constantly looks for justifications
and approval for certain behavior. This is especially true for those
who experience lack of confidence (self-confidence or social
confidence, etc.). They will look for a reason or justification that will
be a bridge to feeling more comfortable. Sometimes the extra reason
or the common topic is the validation that could help us with
advancement. When we think about advancement, the question is,
why would you do it – what’s the reason to advance? I mean, what’s
the reason for us to meet or talk again, or create this type of
interaction? What reason do we have for doing such a thing? There
are reasons that are just on the surface, and there are real reasons.
Did you ever think about why friends meet at a pub and pay good
money for a beer when you can get it in the supermarket for a
quarter of the price? We often hear people say, “We’re going out for
a beer,” and it sounds like what they need is beer. The reasonable
thing to do would be to buy cheap beer and sit on a bench in a
garden, and nothing more. This would achieve the desired outcome
for a smaller investment. But, in reality, at a deeper level, what they
want is the guys, the atmosphere and the fun. When people pay in
bars several times the price of the beer the payment is not merely for
the drink – it is for being out of the house, for the service, the
background music and other additions to the atmosphere. It would
certainly not sound as good if friends would say, “Let’s go out for
atmosphere and fun.” It would be strange not just because of the
words, but because they need a reason that would make sense to
us, and “fun” is not a reasonable enough reason for a meeting, even
though that is what they are really after. Don’t assume that people
will always go with whatever feels right to them. They have to
rationalize, that is, to give themselves a reasonable explanation for
doing something. In the world of psychology, it is also understood
that it is impossible to let go of reasoning and assume that the
emotion would suffice for people to make decisions. The principal in
psychology that illustrates the importance of rationale is “cognitive
dissonance.” At this level, people will be highly influenced by
reasonable rationale even though it is not in line with their emotion.
For example, if an average person sits at a gourmet restaurant and
is being served mediocre food, they will not want to tell people that
they spent a lot of money on a mediocre meal, and they would prefer
believing that the food was actually worth it, and thus provide
reasonable explanations for why the food was special.
In interpersonal communication, it is also possible to encounter
cognitive dissonance. Most people feel, within them, that they would
like to get to know more people than they do currently. Still, if you
asked them, they would not admit to that. If you offer to introduce
people to them, they will say that they know enough people, and that
they don’t need any more. Why? Because this is not fun to admit,
lest someone might feel that there’s something wrong with them.
This thought, about what others might think, is very threatening, and
so instead of admitting it, it is better to do cognitive dissonance and
say they have enough friends, even if they don’t. But (and this is a
big “but”), if they happen to get to know someone – that is great –
and all the previous fears will be undone and become irrelevant. So,
for people to want to stay in touch with you and be comfortable with
it, reason is something that’s worth investing in. Good reasoning may
dismantle the defenses of “just don’t let them think that I am lonely,
or that there’s something wrong with me.” Good reasoning might
solve a lot of fears, and so it is worth investing in. Many people
would like to create advancement without having asked themselves,
“Why would I do it?” It is an important question. We also understand
that an answer like, “Because I want to get to know someone” is not
good for everyone, especially for the type of person that carries
these defense mechanisms. Allow me to answer this question. There
are two conditions for the creation of advancement. The first is good
reasoning, one that would appear on the surface. The other is the
real reason, which we will understand even if we don’t say it out
loud.
The way to create it is to find what you have in common – the
common topic or interest that could connect you. Once you find the
common topic, you can talk about it. Suppose I ask someone, “Hey,
where are you from?” and they say that they are from Netanya. Then
I can tell them, “I am in Netanya every week, come say hi if you’re
around.” The beauty of this sentence is that it is a test for
advancement, and it is non-threatening – it’s just coming and saying
hello. That is the reasonable reason that’s on the surface, but the
reason that lies underneath is to also possibly sit down for a good
conversation. They won’t really just come, say hello, and go away.
The encounter will probably develop into a good conversation. If I
would have asked them to sit to begin with, it could have been
stressful. Anyone would have the legitimate concerns: “And if I get
bored?” or “What if I want to go halfway through it?” When I invite
them to stop by and say hi, these fears dissolve. They won’t even
need to give explanations if they want to leave halfway through. I
give them the sense of full confidence that they can leave whenever
they want, with the explanation, “I just stopped by to say hi.” The real
reason, which is anchored in the emotional world, is to see the
person with whom you had a good time previously, and there is a
desire to meet and have fun again. Notice the difference between
this and saying directly, “Listen, it was real fun, so when you’re in
Netanya come by, and we’ll sit together again.” That advancement is
a commitment and it is difficult to accept it too soon after meeting.
Therefore, finding a common topic which would serve as reason for
meeting could really help. Any topic could work. If you like the same
band, you can suggest meeting at a concert. If you are interested in
the same topic, you can suggest a book on that topic. Anything that
can be the reason is better than asking, “Want to get together?”
Therefore, find a reason that would seem reasonable for both of you
in addition to the fun feeling that you will be able to create.

Types of Social Circles

Every person has several social circles. The closest social circle is
the one with a small number of people, with whom the connection is
with a high level of familiarity. The frequency of encounters is higher
than with other people – talking on a regular basis and catching up
often. Next on the list is a slightly further circle, where people are
relatively close, but not as close as those in the first circle. The
meetings with them are at lower frequencies, but the relationships
are not so distant. The furthest circle contains the people with whom
one talks or meets every several years. This has nothing to do with
the quality and the closeness between those who share that social
circle. Coincidentally, they do not meet or talk regularly. This is how
we are categorized in social circles.
 If you think about it for a moment, a stranger did not get into your
closest social circle in an instant. Maybe at first, you only seldom
talked or just exchanged looks (which put them at a relatively
faraway social circle). You later met, and after some time, you met
again, and so you have grown closer with time, until you have
reached a state where you are in the closest social circle.
If you want to have a good advancer, it is important that you do so
gradually, while moving from one circle to the next. At first, you enter
in the furthest circle. After you have both gotten used to the new
situation, it is possible to move in to a closer social circle, and so on.
If you try to put a stranger in the closest social circle, it might be
stressful or suffocating. To avoid that, it is important to work at an
adjustment speed that is good for both of you.

What Can You Do If You Failed to Advance?

We can divide every person you know into three categories.

1. Interested – Those are the people who would love to meet

you again. They are easy to detect. They will stay in touch,
they will try to set meetings, or at least, express great
interest in you.
2. Willing – The middle group, those are people who have a
lukewarm attitude toward you. They will not enthusiastically
set a meeting, and this is why we call them “willing” –
because they will be willing – if you call, they will answer,
and if you offer to meet, they will agree. Cooperation will not
be at its peak, but they will also not exhibit reluctance.
3. Reluctant – People who have a bone to pick with you. If you
call, they will not answer, and if you offer to meet, they will
avoid it. They have some objection (sometimes the reason
 is clear and sometimes it isn’t) for any connection with you.

Why is this important? Because this is how we can know who to

advance with, and when to do it. One of the most common problems
is when people try to advance, initiate and set a meeting without
noticing this difference. This differentiation is crucial, because every
group is to be approached differently. Imagine what would happen if
you come up to a reluctant (a person from the third group) after they
didn’t answer your calls several times, and say to them: “I called you
a few times this week, and you didn’t pick up. What do you say we
get a coffee tomorrow?” Problematic, isn’t it? Because it sounds
more extreme than normal. And yet, there are still people who do it,
so it is important to illustrate this differentiation.

How to Work With Every Group

You goal is to raise people one step at a time to a higher level. For
instance, if a person is reluctant, don’t try to get them to be
interested. First, you have to get them to lower their objection and
get to the point of being willing, to take them one level up from the
third group to the second. If they went up one level and go to the
second group, don’t try to advance yet – first, get them to the first
group, the interested group. This is how it works.

How Do You Take People Up a Level?

Let’s start by thinking about what each of the groups wants. From
the moment we will have figured that out, it will be much easier for us
to talk to that group.

Interested – They want our attention. So, if you identified people

who are in the interested group, feel free to give them attention: call
them, make appointments, text them and complement them. Of
course, if you give them too much attention at a level that would
suffocate them, you will find them dropping directly to the willing
group.

Willing – They want to have a good time and are looking for positive
experiences. If you give them too much attention, you may provoke
objection toward you. So, with these people, you don’t need to talk
about the future or plan ahead. Focus on the present and the
experience that is created. To advance them to the next level, make
sure the conversations are interesting (deep conversations work
great here, or conversations that make you want more), the
atmosphere is good (it’s advisable to incorporate humor, and avoid
humor at their expense) and that there is interest in mutual
interaction. The better you are at making the interaction more
positive, fun, interesting and dynamic, no matter how long or short it
is, the quicker the road to placing them in the first group will be.

Reluctant – They do not want attention because they have

developed some objection to you. They want the freedom and the
security that they will not have to face the objection. What does it
mean? Let’s say you used to be the chatterbox type which caused
someone else to develop some objection to you (for the example,
let’s call that person Bob). Even if you are a changed person, and
you’re no longer a chatterbox, will Bob no longer have the objection
he had toward you? Of course he will! And it matters not how much
you have changed. For him, you are still a chatterbox, so anytime he
sees you, he will not want to interact with you, lest you start chatting
away. The solution in this case is to just say hello when you meet, or
“How are you?” at most, and that is it! Do it a few times, until the
objection dissolves. What happens when you have no idea what the
objection is all about? The exact same thing. Without threatening or
giving the feeling that it will be a long interaction, ask the other
person how they are, and that’s it. Only after several interactions like
those, they will have the security and freedom they were looking for
– the security that interaction with you is non-threatening, and that
after all, you are a very nice person (which I hope you are, right?).
Remember, communication is not just what to talk about, but also
how to communicate. The difference between talking and
communicating is that when we talk, we just release information, and
when we communicate, we respond to information. The attitude of
the person in front of us is very important information. Only after
getting the correct information can we respond accurately, creating
affective communication!
Good luck!

Examples
Conversation Examples
In the next examples, I will present experiences, not mine, but rather,
those of my students, who began with zero understanding of the
model and were able to develop impressive social skills, as the
conversation transcripts below will show.
I chose them consciously to show you how even someone who
hasn’t completed the development of their social skills, but who
follows the model and understands it, with zero prior knowledge, can
succeed, even though they are not the developers of the system. I
took two different examples, from different fields and even different
ages, because the Conversation Model is the same model even if
the goals are different.

The first example is of a 40-year-old woman who lived in a kibbutz in

northern Israel, and found herself disconnected from the community
of the members of the kibbutz. The second example is of a young,
gaming enthusiast student who saw a good-looking woman and
wanted to hit on her in a gamer convention.3 Please note that these
are completely different demonstrations. Both the goal and the age
group are different, yet you will still be able to detect the same model
in both examples.
What’s common to both examples is that they followed the model.
I bring you the transcript of the conversation, so you can learn from
every word that was said. Sometimes, as part of our sessions, I
encourage people to record conversations, so we can learn which
parts of the conversation they need to get better at. The recording
was done with both parties’ consent; the names have been altered at
their request and the content is delivered after these recordings were
been rewritten.
This will provide you with the opportunity of using specific
examples that will illustrate how this model works. The goal is that
you can implement the model, and not merely understand it. These
examples help greatly with understanding and implementing.

Here we go. Good luck!

Example #1
The first example was performed by a 40-year-old woman (Her alias
is Nurit), who lived in a kibbutz in northern Israel where she started
living about a year before the recorded conversation took place.
Nurit is a married woman with children who wanted to make time for
her hobbies and social life. Throughout that year, Nurit didn’t
succeed in meeting any of the kibbutz members because she did not
know how to develop a conversation and get to the deepening stage.
She felt that everyone was elegantly avoiding her. She felt alone,
without friends, and so she had to find friends outside the frame of
the kibbutz. She reached out to me after about 8 months of living in
the kibbutz and suffering from social loneliness. I advised that she let
go of the people in the kibbutz because after 8 months, during which
she tried to advance meetings with them and failed, the people in the
kibbutz were burned for her at that point in time. I suggested that she
looked for friends in other places, and only then approach the people
in the kibbutz and try to make contact again. I was trying to decide
which conversation I should present in this book. Should it be the
one in which Nurit connected with completely new people? Or the
one with the people in the kibbutz after she let go and stopped her
attempts to connect with them, and the objections finally
disappeared? I eventually decided to present the conversation with
the people she met at a lecture about healthy lifestyle. She met a
courteous and polite couple with whom she wanted to connect.
Because they were a couple, she chose, with good reason, to
communicate and talk mainly with the woman, assuming that if the
man will become part of the conversation, even better. Nurit
approached the couple during the gathering before the lecture and
what follows is the transcript of the conversation that ensued.

Nurit: When does the lecture start?

Woman (to her husband): They said eight thirty, didn’t they?
Nurit: Huh…(smiling) it seems like he was the one that got you to
come here.
Woman: Yes. He is always up-to-date about all these things, and I
am clueless. Where he says I should – I go.
Nurit: Good for you. I heard about this lecture totally by chance.
Woman (to her husband): So tell her how you found out about the
lecture here today?
Husband: On Facebook. My son taught me how to use it, and there
are all those pages there.
Nurit: Oh, wow, I should also probably learn how to use it. It always
seemed intrusive to me. And do you share a Facebook with him, or
do you also have one?
Woman: I agree. It seemed intrusive to me, too, so I preferred not to
do it. Why would I update people on what I’m doing at any given
moment, and publish pictures from everywhere? Some people
publish statuses, pictures and everything that goes on in their lives
every day.
Husband: You can just be active. Read on when these lectures
happen, and that’s it. You don’t have to publish things.
Nurit: Wait, I’ve been talking to you for a few minutes now, and I
don’t even know your names.
Woman: Right. My apologies. Ge’ula, pleasure.
Husband: Pleasure, Menachem.
Nurit: Nurit (shaking hands)
Nurit: And are you from here – from Tel Aviv?
Ge’ula: Hertzlia. Are you from Tel Aviv?
Nurit: No, I am from a kibbutz in the north. We don’t get lectures like
this, and I really like learning about health. Do you maintain a healthy
diet and stuff?
Ge’ula: Yes. Very much! We also started eating organic a couple of
years ago.
Nurit: Yeah, nutrition is easier. What’s hard is sports. Who has time
for sports? Do you guys manage to find time for it?
Ge’ula: Yes, we got a subscription to the country club and it’s really
nice. There’s a pool and a gym. It’s not expensive, and they’re also
open on weekends, so that’s convenient, because there’s always
free time on weekends.
Nurit: Wow, such investment. Bravo.
Ge’ula: Yeah, look, in the past couple of years we started going to a
lot of lectures on health. I started only cooking organic food, we
exercise, we’re really into it.
Nurit: How did you start all of a sudden? Did something happen a
couple of years ago?
Ge’ula: Yes. Something quite personal happened to me.
Nurit: Oh, OK, you don’t have to tell me if it’s personal.
Ge’ula: I don’t have a problem telling you later, but not here, with
everyone around. But since then, I started really caring for my
health, and he was really supportive, and got into this with me.
Nurit: That’s so nice. And what about the kids? You do have kids,
right?
Ge’ula: We’re re-married. We both have kids from previous
marriages, they are studying and are too busy. They could and
wanted to help me, but it would have hurt their studies, so I preferred
to just get Menachem’s help. What about you? Is your husband
here?
Nurit: No, he’s actually the opposite of me – he’s not into health. He
actually likes barbeque and meat, and…
Ge’ula: Oh, like us, we were also like that until a couple of years ago.
Nurit: And you made the transition cold turkey, or was it gradual?
Ge’ula: Yes, it was gradual. We started reading books about it, and
drinking more water, and then…
Nurit: Oh, that’s a great idea, maybe I’ll just suggest that he drinks
more water.

At this stage they were called into the lecture. They sat next to one
another. After the lecture, they went to eat nearby where Ge’ula told
the story of what happened two years before. Nurit asked them when
the next lecture was, and they made arrangements to meet again at
that lecture.

Task
Find all the patterns we learned in this book in the transcript,
including all openers, deepeners and advancers. Identify why Nurit’s
questions and responses helped her connect with that couple. Try to
compare her responses with the way you would react if you were in
her place.

Example #2
This example is of a young charming student named Ohad, whose
last romantic relationship was during his military service three years
prior and who wanted a new relationship. He really wanted to
acquire the social ability which would allow him to see a girl,
approach her with confidence and get to know her. In the sessions
we had, he worked on the emotional aspect, with the aim of letting
go of fears so he can approach girls with confidence, on the
conversation model and on the development of his inner world. As
part of the process, he had developed a rich and interesting inner
world and started getting into hobbies which could allow him to get to
know people. We didn’t change the content and essence of his inner
world, but rather, we worked on its depth and development. Ohad
liked computer games, so I advised him to take it a step further and
to even participate in conventions on the topic (it turns out those
exist. I had no idea, either). In one of those conventions, he came
across a young participant who he liked and decided to approach
and get to know her in depth.
Here is the transcript of their conversation:

Ohad: Hi! Wow, it’s really not common to see girls here at the
convention. Are you sure you meant to get to this convention?
She: Yes, it turns out there are women who enjoy computer games,
too.
Ohad: Not many, I guess you’re the only one among your friends
who’s interested in that, aren’t you?
She: Yes. My friends are more into parties, which isn’t really me.
Ohad: By the way, pleasure meeting you. Ohad! (Sending his arm
forward for a handshake)
She: Hi, Nitzan. (Shakes his hand, with an embarrassed smile)
Ohad: Does it embarrass you to meet new people? I can pretend to
be a party-going person, so you’ll feel in your element.
Nitzan: No, it’s OK. My element is behind a computer screen.
Ohad: Mine too. I’m really trying to develop my interpersonal
communication. It’s hard when I’ve spent my entire life getting myself
used to being behind the computer.
Nitzan: I want that too! How do you work on it?
Ohad: Talking to you right now. This is a step for me. Unfortunately
for you, this will not do the trick for you. Talking to yourself really
won’t do much for you. So how does a girl like you, who gets
embarrassed easily, get to have friends who enjoy parties?
Nitzan: We’ve been friends for many years, since junior high. Even
though we all changed, we remained friends, even during our military
service.
Ohad: What do you mean “during the military service”? You finished
your military service? You look like a kid. How old are you?
Nitzan: 21. You?
Ohad: 24. Oh, so you only finished your service recently.
Nitzan: Yes, about a year ago.
Ohad: Oh, that’s great. Did you do anything yet, or are you still
getting used to having your own life?
Nitzan: Mm…After such an intense time in the military, I have to take
some trips abroad to unwind a bit.
Ohad: Intense time? What did you do in the military?
Nitzan: I was a computer programmer.
Ohad: Oh wow, that’s really intense. Did you like it?
Nitzan: Very much! I love computers, but doing it in such an intense
way, eleven hours a day, every day – it’s hard.
Ohad: 11 hours? Wow, that really would wear you out.
Nitzan: Yeah…
Ohad: Where were you thinking of going? After such hard work you
need, like, six months just lying on the beach in Thailand.
Nitzan: Almost! Thailand is more of a party destination – not really
my thing. I was thinking of India.
Ohad: Have you ever been there? What sparked the idea of India?
Nitzan: I once met a guy who just came back from India and he
showed me a picture of views and places – amazing. I sat there for
hours, listening to all the stories and experiences he had, and I was
riveted, and I decided eventually that I’ll also do it at some point. And
that point is now.
What about you? Did you travel abroad?
Ohad: So much fun for you! I was abroad, but never in places that I
was looking forward to like you are. Just because friends wanted to
go to Greece, so I went along with them.
Nitzan: Were you only in Greece?
Ohad: You’re talking like you circled the world in eighty days.
Nitzan: (Laughing) Oh, yeah, that really makes me sound cocky. I
apologize. I meant to ask if you’ve been to other places also.
Ohad: Why are we standing here in the middle of the exhibition?
Let’s move on, there are interesting things here.
Nitzan: May I ask what your nick is?
(Side note: In the world of computer gaming, it is normal not to use
real names, only nicknames. Some players never reveal their real
names.)
Ohad: Wow, it would be embarrassing telling you and learning that
you’ve defeated me many times.
Nitzan: Don’t worry about it, I promise you that if I did, I will not get
too enthusiastic.
Ohad: After your “only in Greece” cockiness? I find that hard to
believe.
Nitzan: Oh, yes, I’m sorry. It just came out like this. I’m really not
cocky. I hate cocky people.
Ohad: Sounds like you had some unpleasant experiences with cocky
people.

(At this point in the conversation, Nitzan told about personal

experiences which we decided not to reveal in this book. Ohad and
Nitzan continued their interaction at the convention and even
continued for a meal in one of the nearby places.)
 Final Words

In this book, I showed you the model which I developed for the
acquisition of real social skills. Those of you who have performed all
the tasks surely feel the difference in their lives already. You should
read this book more than once. I am confident that in every reading,
in every different level of development, you will find and learn
something new, and refine your capabilities. Of course, social skill is
a field in which you can always learn and develop. I wish that you will
keep evolving to the point where you will set an example for those
around you, and in this way – help millions of people around the
world.
In the next book, we will go back to developing ourselves. The
name of the book is: “How to Build Self Confidence Which Builds
You.” It will be fully focused on us, and not on our surroundings.
High quality social competence is built on self-confidence, self-
appreciation and self-love, which is why the next book will be fully
dedicated to the development of your personal world. When a
person is truly comfortable with him or herself, loves his or herself,
and is self-confident, they will feel more comfortable approaching
people and interacting with them. Goodbyes and disconnections will
no longer be a threatening thing, and the person you will see in the
mirror will be your role model and someone to look up to, without a
sense of superiority or cockiness, but out of love for others, which
stems first and foremost from the love of oneself.

I have a lot more knowledge to give you. See you in the next book.
 Want More?

My vision of creating better lives for people compared to the lives

that schools prepared them for continues to walk with me. Therefore,
I would like to invite you to enjoy the multitude of content that I have
to offer. I have YouTube videos that you can watch for free, and I
offer lectures for the general public and in-depth courses that will
train you to help others. In addition, I hold personal meetings in
which you could work on the improvement of your social skills. My
aspiration is to get you to peaks which you never knew existed, not
just from a social perspective, but also from the perspective of your
contention with the life you are creating for yourself. Do not end your
process here and now, but continue to progress in any way possible.
All of us, together, can create a better place here, and see more
smiling people around us.

1 NLP - Neuro Linguistic Programming. A method for transforming thought, emotion and
behavior through language.
2 The brain creates electric pulses that travel in it. These electric pulses create a rhythm
that is called “brainwaves.” This activity of the brain is measured in units called Hertz, and is
divided into five frequencies: Delta, Theta, Alpha, Beta and Gamma. People with
interpersonal chemistry transmit identical brainwaves in the same wave frequency.
3 Gamer – a slang term for a computer and video games enthusiast.