Lonely?
Go on an Internet search for how to meet new people and you’ll find dozens of sites.
You know the drill: Join a club, a gym, a class, a book club. Take up acting, a sport, or a
craft. Volunteer. Work on a political campaign. Attend religious services. Ask friends to
introduce you to friends. Get a cute dog or borrow someone’s cute baby and go for a
walk. Basically it’s about getting out of the house, away from the virtual world, and into
the outside world where there are people. They’re out there, the articles reassure you.
You just have to get out there with them.
Right. So. Now that you’ve met a few folks; now that you’ve sat next to them in class,
held a board while someone nailed it, licked envelopes for your state representative and
committed yourself to 10 years of care and feeding a Lhasa Apso dog, you may be
disappointed to find you are still lonely and you still don’t seem to have anyone to hang
out with when the weekend rolls around.
That’s because the articles lie!
It’s not enough to find people. That’s relatively easy once you pry yourself away from
the computer and make yourself actually go where the people are. Making those new
acquaintances into friends is on a whole other level. It takes time. It takes effort. If you
really want to be less alone and lonely, there is work to be done.
10 Tips for Turning Acquaintances into Friends
1. Give yourself a personality makeover. Face it. If you were the kind of person
other people warmed up to, you wouldn’t be reading this article. Do a brutally
honest assessment of what makes you seem unapproachable to people. Then
make a wish list of three to five ways you would improve if magically you
could. Got it? Now fake it. Act “as if” you already are that person. With
practice, it will become second nature. With more practice, you will become the
person you want to be.
2. Once you’ve met some new people using the tips in the “finding friends”
websites, follow up. Be an initiator. Find out about an interesting new movie, a
new band that’s coming to town, a new exhibit or event, etc. Call people up and
ask them to attend with you. Plan on drinks or coffee after. Most people are
followers. They’re happy to be around someone who is willing to be the leader.
3. Be generous. Do people favors. If you’re going out to get yourself a coffee, ask
if anyone else wants one. If someone at work looks overwhelmed, ask if there is
any small way you could lighten the load. If your friend looks stressed, offer to
take care of her kids for a couple of hours so she can get a little me time.
Randomly give people a flower or a treat now and then. If you see an article
about something that interests someone you know, clip it and send it to them. If
you’re asked to pitch in, don’t sigh and ask “why me?” Smile and think, “well,
why not?” You get the picture. By being generous through favors and little
presents now and then, you make yourself more likeable.
4. Don’t keep score about who is contacting who. If you enjoy someone’s
company, what difference does it make who calls first or whose turn it is to plan
a get-together? Sometimes people’s life circumstances make it hard for them to
initiate. Some people just will never be initiators. Some people are so afraid of
rejection, they never ask. It’s a mistake to take such things personally. If it’s fun
to be with someone who is a great responder but a terrible initiator, figure that
you’re going to be doing a lot of #2 and #3 and let it be.
5. Be reliable. If you say you’ll do something, do it. If you can’t do it, be honest
with yourself and with your friend and give them a call to tell them so and why.
Nobody likes to be disappointed – especially at the last minute. People are far
more forgiving when they are given lots of notice that you can’t follow through
on something you agreed to do.
6. Smile. As the old saying goes: Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and
you frown alone. Resist the temptation to relate to people through complaining
or by dissing a mutual acquaintance. All it does is bring everyone – including
you – down. And no one wants to be around a downer very long.
7. When you are in a conversation, act interested – even if you’re not. People
remember people who are interested in what they have to say. Ask questions to
help the person say more. Ask the person for more details. Ask them what they
learned from the experience. Don’t segue into your own story until you are sure
that the other person has wound down.
8. When talking to someone, make and keep eye contact, use the person’s name
every now and then, and lean in a little when the other person is talking. Find
something about them to admire and then compliment them about how funny,
wise, smart, interesting they are. One of the best kept secrets in this world is that
everyone is at least a little bit insecure. When people are genuinely
complimented, it helps them relax in your company.
9. When there’s a problem in the relationship, identify and work on the
problem, not the person. No one likes to be blamed or shamed or called names.
Whenever possible, talk about how the two of you can solve the problem
together. Apologize for whatever part you played in the issue. Focus on how you
can move forward.
10. Show people you care. If you don’t see someone for awhile, make a call to see
if they are sick or having some kind of trouble. Be supportive. Help if you can.
When someone returns to work after being ill or after a loss, check in now and
then to let them know that you understand that it’s difficult to transition back to
normal. Everything’s okay but general busyness keeps you and your friend from
getting together? Stay in contact. Friend them on Facebook. Email. Skype. It
only takes a few minutes and it keeps the friendship alive when you’re apart.
Just make sure to get back to hanging out in person as soon as you can.
