Parent Unit 7

Table of Contents

Therapeutic Communication.....................................................................................................................1
Treatment Parent Profile – Part I...............................................................................................................1
Twelve Typical Ways of Responding.........................................................................................................2

Elements of Nonverbal Communication...............................................................................................4

Active Listening..............................................................................................................................................6
Components of Active Listening...............................................................................................................6
Guidelines for Active Listening..................................................................................................................8
Treatment Parent Profile Part II.................................................................................................................9

Active Listening Rehearsal Situations.................................................................................................. 11

Using Open Questions Activity.............................................................................................................. 13

Homework..................................................................................................................................................... 10
Active Listening Homework Scenarios.................................................................................................. 21

Vocabulary of Feelings.............................................................................................................................. 23

Facial Emotions Charts............................................................................................................................. 26

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Parent Unit 7

Therapeutic Communication their home and for the first few months
she was on her best behavior. They were
Anthropologists and sociologists have long pleased that things were going relatively
ago made the connection between the use smooth, particularly since Jenny was placed
of language in forming social relationships. with them for chronic fighting in school.
Communication has survival value for all She seemed to be getting along well with
creatures on the planet. As they say, birds do her new classmates, but shortly after her
it (with chirps and songs), bees do it (with thirteenth birthday, Jenny started picking
chemicals secretions), even fleas do it (with fights again. She began to sulk at home,
clicking made by their rear legs). Humans, retreating to her room and ignoring chores.
however, have developed communication The Whittakers were soon getting weekly
way past just its survival value; in one form calls from the principal with the threat of
or another it influences every aspect of our expulsion. Mrs. Whittaker, already confused
lives. Even our own very private thoughts and frustrated with Jenny’s poor peer skills
are formed as language, as though we are and lack of cooperation around the house,
communicating to ourselves! was confronted in the supermarket by the
angry parent of one of Jenny’s classmates,
Ever wonder why you weren’t supposed to who accused the Whittakers of not being
talk to strangers when you were a child? It’s able to control their kids.
because talking is the invitation to begin a
relationship. Communication is the fuel of “I don’t care if I get expelled from school.
relationships. What we say and how we say it The other kids don’t like me,” Jenny would
conveys: insist. “They make fun of me and whisper
• Our values behind my back. Why won’t they just leave
• Beliefs me alone?’”
• Preferences
• Customs Every person comes face-to-face with difficult
• Interests situations from time to time. Whether it’s
a problem with a friend, with family, with
Talk may be cheap, as the old saying goes, school or with themselves, a child can feel
but it carries tremendous importance for a multitude of emotions ranging from mild
beginning and keeping relationships. anger or disappointment to sheer frustration
and pain. A child whose cries for help go
When developing a relationship with a child, unheeded is very likely to develop emotional
a very basic goal of any communication is to problems, while a child who can find help and
express the dual message of: support in resolving these conflicts will slowly
• “You are a worthwhile, valuable and but surely gain the skills and self-confidence
important person.” needed to meet these challenges on her own.
• “The more I know about you, the
better I can help you.” Sadly, many of the children who enter our
program have not been “heard” for any
Treatment Parent Profile - Part I number of reasons. Perhaps their calls for
Treatment parents Tom and Diane help were so subtle that they went unnoticed.
Whittaker had recently accepted Jenny into Perhaps other problems in the home were
so great that they simply drowned out those
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Parent Unit 7

cries. Or perhaps the adults were aware there 1. Ordering, Directing, Commanding
was a problem, but didn’t quite know how to Telling the child to do something/giving an
help. order or a command.

Regardless of the reasons that adults in a “Jenny, this is not up for debate. You will
child’s past have failed to really hear and go to school without fighting and you do all
understand, the troubled kids we serve need of your chores here at home.”
skilled listeners who can help them explore
painful and sometimes scary experiences. 2. Warning, Admonishing, Threatening
This is not always as easy as it sounds. Telling the child what consequences will occur
Children can get defensive or argumentative if she does something.
when approached about their behavior,
and they may resist our efforts to teach “This sort of behavior will not be tolerated
responsibility or to help them solve their in this house. I don’t want to have to tell
problems. you about this again. If you insist on
fighting or can’t help out at home, you’ll be
But remember, true communication is a grounded.”
two-way process.
• Hearing isn’t always listening. 3. Exhorting, Moralizing, Preaching
• Listening isn’t always understanding.
Telling the child what she should or ought to
• Talking isn’t always teaching.
do.
The ultimate communication outcome for
“Fighting is not right and neither is your
treatment parents, just like all therapists and
slacking off on your duties at home.
counselors, is to really understand all that your
You ought to get along better with your
child is trying to say, even in silence.
classmates and you should give us the
courtesy of doing your fair share of help
Twelve Typical Ways of Responding
around here.”
Whether reacting to a problem or
acknowledging an accomplishment, listening is 4. Advising, Giving Solutions or
truly a skill which must be learned, particularly Suggestions
when you consider that there are about a
Telling the child how to solve a problem by
dozen categories of ways parents typically
giving her advice or suggestions.
respond to a child. Many of these responses
were probably given by grandparents to
Providing answers or solutions for the child.
parents, by parents to children, to the point
that they come so automatically that you
“Jenny, you’ll get along better both at school
might use some of them yourself without
and here at home if you’d be just a little
even being aware that you use them. Here’s
more cooperative. Just ignore the kids if
how the Whittakers could respond to Jenny’s
they’re bothering you or ask your teachers
fighting. See if you recognize any of these
for help. It might be a good idea if you
from your own experiences either as a child or
kept a list of your chores and checked then
as a parent:
off as you complete them.”

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Parent Unit 7

5. Lecturing, Teaching, Giving Logical figured out or have her diagnosed.

Arguments
Trying to influence the child with facts, “I wonder if you aren’t trying to keep other
counter-arguments, logic, information or your kids at a distance because of your feelings
own opinions. about being a foster child. That may also
explain why you think you don’t have to
“A person’s reputation is his passport help around the house like the rest of the
through life. You need to use negotiation family. Seems like you have really low self-
skills to solve your problems with other esteem.”
kids. You’re only making things worse for
yourself.” 10. Reassuring, Sympathizing, Consoling,
Supporting
6. Judging, Criticizing, Disagreeing, Trying to make the child feel better by talking
Blaming her out of her feelings, trying to make her
Making a negative judgment or evaluation of feelings go away, denying the strength of her
the child. feelings.

“With the way you pick fights, Jenny, it’s “Those other kids really do like you. You’re
your own fault that the other kids don’t like so smart and pretty that other kids are
you. What is it you do that causes the kids probably just jealous of you. They’ll want
to get mad at you? I just can’t believe that to be friends after they get to know the real
all of the other kids talk behind your back.” you.”

7. Praising, Agreeing 11. Withdrawing, Distracting, Humoring,

Offering a positive evaluation of judgment, Diverting
agreeing Trying to get a child away from the problem
by withdrawing from the problem yourself,
“You know, Jenny, kids can be cruel and it’s distracting the child, kidding her out of it or
always tough being the new kid at school.” pushing the problem aside.

8. Name Calling, Ridiculing, Shaming “Hey, you won’t even remember any of
Making the child feel foolish, putting a child these kids ten years from now. The best
into a category or shaming her. thing to do for now is to just relax and
forget about them. Let’s go to the park and
“We expected more from you after all of the I’ll teach you some killer soccer moves.”
time and energy we have given you. You’re
acting like a baby about these chores. Is it 12. Probing, Questioning, Interrogating
asking too much for you to get along with Trying to find reasons, motives or causes
others?” while searching for more information to help
solve the problem.
9. Interpreting, Analyzing, Diagnosing
Telling the child what her motives are “What happens when you try to ignore
or analyzing why she is doing or saying those kids Jenny? Why do you think that
something. Communicating that you have her other kids are talking about you behind

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Parent Unit 7

your back? Do your teachers try to stop the to try a variety of communication techniques
arguing?” to ensure that they are communicating
effectively with children. Research has shown
As parents, we feel a strong desire to protect that as much as 93% of what others actually
our kids from suffering through emotionally “hear” in conversation is based on facial
and physically painful situations, and are expressions and tone of voice (Mehrabian,
therefore, quick on the draw to help “fix” the 1969). So it isn’t enough to just say the right
problems they encounter. As caring adults, words.
it is only natural to feel a need to show kids
that we know how to solve problems. It Elements of Nonverbal
is sometimes the case when responding to
kids, however, that an adult’s impatience or Communication
discomfort with childhood problems prevents When a child is excited or angry, she may
exploration of what the situation means for not require much from the listener to allow
an individual child from her own viewpoint. communication to start and continue to
flow. Combining a matching expression
If we believe that what others think of us and voice tone (such as happy or sad) with
shouldn’t matter much, then we are more simple responses like, “Uh huh?” or “Okay”
likely to impatiently dismiss a child’s “peer or “Really?” will encourage a speaker to
problems” as trivial or unimportant. If continue talking to you. This is the type
we carry unresolved feelings of shame of listening that we are most accustomed
or powerlessness left over from our own to in everyday life, where we use nonverbal
childhood experiences, then we may feel too behavior to communicate that we are
uncomfortable or threatened to help children interested in what is being said to us.
explore their own feelings about similar
situations. To really help children identify Elements of nonverbal communication
their feelings and effectively learn to solve include:
their own problems, adults must overcome the • Facial expression
urge to leap into problem-solving mode and • Voice tone
must instead learn to listen. • Eye contact
• Body posture
The “typical twelve” are not necessarily • Physical space
always the wrong way for adults to respond • Silence
to children, but these types of responses
are likely to put a child on the defensive by These behaviors can act as “signals” to
communicating how the child is at fault. As either continue talking or to be quiet. The
such, the typical twelve responses can actually disapproving scowl, irritated tone of
stop a child from recognizing and expressing voice, arms folded across the chest and
her feelings, and ultimately block her from no eye contact with the child will cause
learning to accept responsibility for her own even the most motivated child to shut
actions. down. These nonverbal forms of behavior
exert very powerful influences on a child’s
Communication isn’t limited to just verbal level of comfort, trust and depth of her
statements; it can occur through any of our communication with you.
senses. Adults need to be flexible and willing
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Parent Unit 7

Because many foster children do not know information about us, both as the speaker and
comfortable ways to talk about their painful the listener. Eye contact is a powerful and
feelings and past experiences, passive direct way of making contact and establishing
forms of listening are often inadequate by inter-personal intimacy.
themselves.
Remember, just like our verbal behavior, our
The following offers a brief description nonverbal behavior is culturally influenced.
of these elements, along with some Making eye contact when beginning a
recommendations on using them effectively. conversation usually demonstrates interest
and is a sign of focused attention, but it
Facial Expression and Tone of Voice can also signal disrespect from a child to an
adult under certain circumstances. Similarly,
Facial expression and tone of voice can
avoiding eye contact can be perceived by some
either help or hinder getting our message
family cultures as suspicious or dishonest, and
across based on the degree that it matches
as respectful in other family cultures.
our words. If we want to communicate our
It is necessary to first learn about your
happiness, delight or surprise, then we should
foster child’s experience with her birth
sound and look accordingly. Likewise, if we
family customs, and also to explain your
wish to communicate our disappointment,
own parental expectations. Regardless of
then we should sound and look disappointed,
specific cultures, too much eye contact can
and not disgusted or angry.
be perceived as staring, and can cause others
to feel nervous, distracted and defensive.
Body Language Breaking eye contact after a few seconds
Body language refers to how we position our and then re-establishing it is generally a
bodies when communicating. Our posture, comfortable compromise for both you and
sitting next to or standing over the child, the child.
position of hands, arms, legs, and head all
communicate information. Hands closed into Physical Space and Setting
a fist or on hips, arms or legs crossed, head
Physical space and setting refers to people’s
tilted sharply, and standing face-to-face in a
comfort level about how close others are to
rigid posture cause others to see us as hostile,
them and where the communication takes
defensive, threatening, confrontational and
place. There is no single rule for determining
non-accepting.
the best distance to be during a conversation
with everyone. Both cultural and individual
Regardless of the words used or intended
differences help determine how large a child’s
message, “bad” body language alone can
needs are for “personal” space. Some ethnic
produce strong negative reactions in the
groups are most comfortable speaking almost
listener. Instead use a relaxed posture, with
nose-to-nose, while others prefer 3 or more
open hands, arms at the side, and positioned
feet of distance between themselves and
(ideally sitting) diagonally from the child.
others.

Eye Contact Observe the child’s nonverbal behavior as a

It is said that the eyes are the windows of the guide to find a distance that is comfortable. A
soul. Eye contact can communicate a lot of good general tip is to ask the child to sit down

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Parent Unit 7

with you. This minimizes height differences, Discomfort with silence during conversation
makes eye contact easier, and allows more can set off surprisingly strong urges to fill
options for adjusting for personal space needs in the silence with our own talking. We
(e.g., sit next to the child, across from the may do this to reduce our discomfort, to
child, at an angle from the child, etc.). show our support and understanding, and/
or because we really don’t know what else to
Another practical tip is to ask the child where do. As a way to manage our own discomfort
she would feel most comfortable to discuss with silence, think of it as the opposite
a particular topic. Ensure privacy when of interrupting someone who is speaking.
discussing personal issues, and minimize Silence then becomes a way of showing
distraction from other people or other sources respect for the other person.
(e.g., radio, T.V., etc.).
Silence can also mean different things
Silence to children based on their cultural and
life experiences. You will need to learn
People usually require more time to sort out
whether your child sees silence as a negative
their strong emotions and confusing thoughts
or threatening experience, or a positive
when they are under stress. Many of our
opportunity
children struggle to process information
accurately even when not under stress, so
imagine how difficult it can be for them when Section Summary
emotions are over-riding their ability to think Our nonverbal communication can help bring
logically. about a deep and meaningful exploration of
an issue with a child, or it can provoke the
Sometimes, silence represents time taken to child to break off the conversation. Children
consider and comprehend what has been are much more likely to understand our
previously said. The more time we can give messages and feelings when our nonverbal
a child to consider their options in a stressful and verbal expressions are consistent and
situation, the better chance they will have to controlled.
pick the most appropriate choice.
Active Listening
Sometimes, less talking allows for more
When a child has a problem, small as it might
communication to take place. As we allow a
seem to an adult, the main thing she needs
child to think through a difficult situation, we
is the recognition from the adult of just
can:
how deeply the child is feeling. Active
• Watch their non-verbal communication
Listening is a method to help children talk
for clues to their emotional state
about problems or feelings by offering the
• Allow them to ask questions to clarify
reassurance that someone understands, or is at
their understanding of events and
least willing to understand, their concerns.
choices
• Provide emotional co-regulation by
Active Listening promotes the exploration of
letting our calm and quiet presence
strong feeling, both negative and positive. By
reduce stress and help them regain
encouraging a child to share her thoughts and
emotional control
feelings, a relationship of trust between the
parent and child develops over time. It also
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Parent Unit 7

gives adults the opportunity to test whether or questions at the wrong time and in the wrong
not they really understand the child and helps way can shut down communication.
prevent miscommunication. And as simple Questions can encourage children to express
a concept as it seems, it is a Professional themselves further, but only if we are very
Parenting skill that truly takes time, patience selective in our choice of questions. There
and practice to master, and one that will are three types of questions. These should
ultimately help kids learn to solve their own be used for specific purposes because they
problems. will produce very different reactions from the
child.
Components of Active Listening
For children who are ready and willing to talk, Types and Purposes of Questions
a little minimal encouragement is all that is Open questions encourage children to express
needed to have meaningful communication. themselves and provide more information to
Minimal encouragement matches our the listener. These usually begin with “What”
nonverbal behavior with minimal statements or “How.”
that show the child we are listening and to
continue talking. Closed questions require a yes or no answer,
provide minimal information, and can disrupt
Examples of these include: communication flow.
• Uh huh
• Okay “Why” questions seem accusatory, cause
• Really defensiveness, and inhibit intimacy in
• And then relationships.
• Go on
• Tell me more Experienced treatment parents know that as
strong emotions arise, using open questions
This is the type of listening that we are most very sparingly is the best approach to
accustomed to in everyday life, where we encouraging children to share their feelings
use nonverbal behavior to communicate that and thoughts.
we are interested in what is being said by
someone. The main challenge for us is to
Reflective Responses
avoid saying much and possibly interrupting
or distracting the child from what she is So if we‘re not to ask lots of questions, then
communicating. In other words, if the what should we say when trying to encourage
cheerleading continues too long, it can ruin children to talk to us? The next component
the game. of Active Listening is reflective responses,
and this technique will help avoid playing the
“20 questions” game with children who are
Questions reluctant to talk Reflective responses allow
Sometimes it is necessary for us to ask us to focus on feelings rather than just talking
questions of a child in order to understand about facts. As a result, reflective responses
what she is telling us. We want to be careful facilitate communication and increases
with questions, however, because children relationship intimacy.
often react as if we suspect or believe that
they have done something wrong. Asking

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Reflective Responses demonstrate that we: When reflecting situations, be careful to

• Are really listening to what a child has paraphrase in your own words rather than just
to say. parroting the child’s words back.
• Are trying to understand how she
thinks and feels, and not judging and Remember that emotions come in two
reacting to the behavior. basic flavors, primary and secondary,
and that these can communicate very
Reflective responses act as feedback to the different experiences. Anger is most often a
child about what she is saying and feeling. secondary emotion and develops over time
When performed skillfully, it is a gentle and from other more primary emotions such as
non-confrontational way to check out whether embarrassment, disappointment, betrayal,
we really do understand what is going on with disgrace, frustration, humiliation, or rejection.
the child. It is important to note that most By working back to a child’s primary feeling,
communication with children carries two very we can more easily understand how her
different types of information. There is the feelings and thoughts connect to the situation.
content of what a child said, usually referring If we don’t listen for primary feelings, we may
to the “facts” (who, what, when, where and move too quickly to problem solving and may
how information). Also present are her not get at the real core of the child’s feelings
feelings and thoughts about the situation. and problems.
Reflecting the content is a way to clarify and
organize information. It helps to understand Summarizing
the facts of the situation, and deals with
Summarizing what a child has told us involves
information about who said or did what.
taking a large amount of information and
condensing or re-capping that information in
Reflecting feelings is a way to acknowledge
your own words. Periodically summarizing
and validate a child’s feelings, regardless of
what we have heard can help keep us from
right-or-wrong, fact-or-fiction. In other
becoming overwhelmed with information,
words, it is a good method to demonstrate
keep events in order, and gives us a chance to
your empathy.
clarify or ask additional questions.
For this skill to be successful, treatment
As with reflecting, summarizing helps the
parents must pay attention to two important
child know that we are really listening and
aspects.
understanding what they are telling us. They
can acknowledge our understanding of the
When reflecting feelings, try to match the
situation, add or correct information, and
verbal and nonverbal intensity of the child’s
clarify our interpretation of the information.
feeling. If you reflect a bigger feeling than
the child is experiencing, your behavior may
Guidelines for Active Listening
serve to agitate her or cause her to feel worse
than she already does. If your reflection Like all of the therapeutic interactions that
appears too small or inadequate, the child may you will learn as a Professional Parent, Active
feel that you are being insincere, mocking, or Listening is most effective when it appears to
clueless, and result in anger or communication happen spontaneously and naturally. Look
shut down. for situations where your child may be feeling
angry or frustrated, proud or excited, worried
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Parent Unit 7

or disappointed. Here is how we put all that he had with Jenny when she came home
of the components together to do Active from school with a torn jacket after a scuffle:
Listening:
Tom: Wow! Looks like you’ve got a pretty
Once you notice that the child is experiencing good tear in your good jacket.
a feeling that she is having trouble verbalizing, Jenny: It’s not my fault. That Sara in fifth
or is behaving differently than usual, then: period started on me again and I guess my
jacket tore when she grabbed it.
• Make certain that you have the time to
listen. Tom: Sara started a fight with you?
• Use open and supportive nonverbal Jenny: Well, she was asking for one. I
behavior. saw her pointing at me and laughing so I
• Try to get the child to talk with pushed her.
minimal encouragement.
Tom: Sounds like you were feeling
• Stop talking and listen to the child.
embarrassed and decided to push her?
Resist the urge to engage in the
“Typical 12.” Jenny: Yeah, she was pointing at me in
• Use open questions sparingly. front of everyone…I know they hate me.
• Take your best guess at identifying Tom: Hummm, you believe the other
the feeling the child seems to be kids don’t like you and that makes you feel
expressing with statements like: rejected?
You seem (feeling)
Jenny: They know I’m different. They
You look (feeling) know I don’t have a dad and my mom got
You sound (feeling) into trouble for leaving me alone so much.
They think that I don’t even belong at
You appear (feeling)
their stinking school.
• To avoid misunderstanding, reflect the
Tom: So, you’re feeling rejected and
situation along with the underlying
angry when other kids at school remind
primary feeling, using your own words.
you about not living at home with your
• Continue to listen, reflect and
parents?
summarize until the child confirms her
feeling. And with that question, Tom was able to
get Jenny to begin to open up about some
Treatment Parent Profile Part II profoundly important feelings. He took full
Earlier, we looked at TFC parents Tom and advantage of a naturally occurring situation
Diane Whittaker and how they could have to help a troubled young girl begin to sort out
responded to thirteen-year-old Jenny when her feelings and work on building self-esteem.
she started picking fights at school, sulking Most importantly, he laid the foundation
at home, retreating to her room and ignoring for building a relationship of trust between
chores. It took some practice, but the parent and child.
Whittakers have gotten quite good at avoiding
the typical ways of responding. As a veteran Notice that Tom was careful not to make
active listener, Tom Whittaker recalls the any big assumptions about what Jenny was
beginning of a very productive conversation thinking or feeling. Instead he reflected

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feelings and the content of the situation back

to her to clarify if what he was hearing was
accurate.

Tom also took care to identify and label specific

feelings for Jenny. It is very important to label
feelings for children, not only to check out if
we are hearing them correctly, but also to teach
kids ways to talk about what is going on inside
of them. TFC kids usually know only how
to identify “Happy-Mad-Sad,” and often lack
the words to describe their deep and complex
feelings.

Unit Summary
Even though this sounds like it is a simple
technique, it is a Professional Parenting skill
that truly takes time, patience and practice
to master, and one that will ultimately help
children learn to solve their own problems.

Active Listening IS:

• A way of responding to feelings, rather
than just behavior
• Exploration of strong, painful or
confused feelings
• A non-adversarial approach to solving
interpersonal problems
• A demonstration of respect to others

Active Listening DOES NOT:

• Mean that you agree with the child’s
feelings and thoughts
• Mean that you won’t set limits and
provide consequences for behavior
• Mean parroting back what the child
said
• Automatically or always solve the
child’s problems

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Parent Unit 7

Active Listening Rehearsal Situations

Part 1
Directions: For each example below, identify what feeling was expressed and then reflect that
feeling with the Active Listening response.

Situations:

1. Mom, you know that book I brought home from the library yesterday? Stupid Emily spilled her
Kool-Aid on it. I’m gonna get her!

2. Hey, guess what? Something really great happened today. I made the basketball team!

3. Michael was calling me names again at school today. I try to ignore him, but I just can’t.

4. No, I don’t want to invite Pat or Joe to go along. They probably won’t want to go with me
anyway.

5. I don’t get along with him and I’m not going back to that class!

6. I haven’t heard from Jim in five days. I wonder if something’s wrong.

7. I can’t stand school. What do I need that junk for?

8. I told you before. I’m not interested in any of that basketball crap. I’m no good at it and I’m
not going to any dumb try-out. Stop asking me!

9. Why can’t I go home more often? Or at least call my brother every day if I feel like it?

10. Hey, I got a B on that math test I was so worried about!

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Active Listening Rehearsal Situations

Part 2

Directions: Read each scenario. Then, create your active listening responses following the
questions found below each scenario.

Scenario 1 - Back So Soon?

Your foster daughter Nicki, age 17, went to visit her mother this weekend. You dropped her off on
Saturday morning and she is to return Sunday evening.

Saturday afternoon around 5:00pm, you receive a call from Nicki’s mother saying that she is
bringing Nicki back to your home immediately. She hangs up before you can find out what
happened. Twenty minutes later, Nicki comes bursting through the front door yelling back at her
mother, “I never want to see you again, you bitch! I hate you!” Nicki goes into the living room,
slumps down on the sofa and begins sobbing, “I don’t want to see her anymore. I went to spend
time with her, but she was all into Tony, her new man - this week. It was like I didn’t matter to her
at all.”

1. What feelings did Nicki express?

2. Your Active Listening response:

3. Reflect or summarize the content of what Nicki said:

4. Use a minimal encouragement statement or open question to encourage Nicki to tell you more
about what happened at her mother’s home:

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Scenario 2 - The Runaway

You went to pick-up your foster son Donte, age 15, from the recreation center on your way home
from work. When you arrived at the center, the director advises you that Donte hasn’t been there
today. When you question a few of his friends at the center they tell you that Donte got in trouble
at school for misbehaving in class, but they don’t know where he went after school. You go home
and make some phone calls around the neighborhood, but no one has seen Donte. You remember
your conversation with Donte last week about consequences if he got in trouble again at school,
and you wonder if he was scared to come home.

At 11:15pm your doorbell rings. Looking out the window, you see Donte standing between two
police officers on your front porch. The police explain that they caught Donte trying to break into
an abandoned house. Initially, Donte told them he was lost, but after some persuasion, he told the
police where he lived.

After the police leave, you take Donte into the family room and try to talk with him about what
happened. At first he refuses to talk, but after you continue to sit with him he starts crying and
then jumps up from the couch and yells, “You don’t care about me. You just want a reason to get
rid of me!”

1. What feelings did Donte express?

2. Your Active Listening response:

3. Reflect or summarize the content of what you have learned:

4. Use a minimal encouragement statement or open question to encourage Donte to tell you more
about what happened in school and why he left:

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Scenario 3 - Trouble on the Job

Your foster daughter Robin, age 16, has been working at her first job for two weeks. She is a cashier
at McDonald’s. Robin has not told you much about how things are going at work, just says “it’s
fine,” but she was excited to get her first paycheck.

Tonight, you receive a phone call from the store manager who tells you that Robin left the store
after yelling and cursing at him when he confronted her about some missing merchandise. You try
to reach Robin on her cell phone, but she does not answer.

An hour later, Robin arrives home looking as though she had been crying. You tell her that the
manager called and ask for her side of the incident. She says, “I didn’t take anything. The manager
just doesn’t like me.”

1. What feelings did Robin express?

2. Your Active Listening response:

3. Reflect or summarize the content of what you have learned:

4. Use a minimal encouragement statement or open question to encourage Robin to tell you more
about what happened at her job:

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What Are My Typical Ways of Talking to Children? Activity: Part I

Directions: Review the Typical 12 and rate each of them using the following scale:
1 = I rarely do this.
2 = I do this sometimes.
3 = I do this often.

Your Rating Typical 12

Ordering, Directing, Commanding
Warning, Admonishing, Threatening
Exhorting, Moralizing, Preaching
Advising, Giving Solutions or Suggestions
Lecturing, Teaching, Giving Logical Arguments
Judging, Criticizing, Disagreeing, Blaming
Praising, Agreeing
Name Calling, Ridiculing, Shaming
Interpreting, Analyzing, Diagnosing
Reassuring, Sympathizing, Consoling, Supporting
Withdrawing, Distracting, Humoring, Diverting
Probing, Questioning, Interrogating

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What Are My Typical Ways of Talking to Children?

Activity – Part 2

Directions: Review the Typical 12 and rate each of them using the following scale:
+ Helps this relationship outcome - Hinders this relationship outcome

Typical 12 Relationship Information Teaching Act Out

Ordering, Directing,
Commanding

Warning, Admonishing,
Threatening

Exhorting, Moralizing,
Preaching

Advising, Giving Solutions or

Suggestions

Lecturing, Teaching, Giving

Logical Arguments

Judging, Criticizing, Disagreeing,

Blaming

Praising, Agreeing

Name Calling, Ridiculing,

Shaming

Interpreting, Analyzing,
Diagnosing

Reassuring, Sympathizing,
Consoling, Supporting

Withdrawing, Distracting,
Humoring

Probing, Questioning,
Interrogating

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Using Open Questions Activity

Directions: For each of the following six closed and why questions, write at least one open
question as an alternative.

Questions:

1. Did you do your homework yet?

2. Are you learning anything from this Pre-service training?

3. Why were you late to class?

4. Do you enjoy the role-play exercises?

5. Why don’t you ask more questions in class?

6. Did you have any problems at work today?

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Interpreting Non-Verbal Communication

Non-Verbal Cue Possible Meaning*

EYES
Looking away Divided attention, embarrassment, lying

Glaring Anger, seeking attention

Rolling the eyes Not taking someone seriously, frustration, annoyance

Suspicion, discomfort, uncertainty—but cultural

Not maintaining eye contact
norms about eye contact also vary greatly

Direct eye contact Interest, attentive, trust

Peering over glasses Skepticism, disapproval

Looking at something else (phone,

document, etc...) while engaging in Lack of interest, distracted
conversation

Averted gaze Disbelief, disengaged

Looking straight at the speaker but

Boredom, focused on other thoughts
slightly unfocused

Extended eye contact Trust, intimidation

FACE
Smiling Positive emotions

Frowning Disagreement, negative emotion

Scratching the chin Confusion, uncertainty, thinking

Tugging the ear Uncertainty

Head tilting to one side Boredom

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BREATHING
Deep sighs Release, relief, or displeasure
Heavy breathing Anger, stress
Yawning Fatigue, emotional overwhelm, emotional release

TORSO AND ARMS

Crossing arms over chest Putting up a barrier, feeling defensive, closed to what
you’re saying, feeling bored
Rubbing arms that are crossed over chest Feeling protective, defensive or possibly cold.

Crossing arms over chest, leaning back, Hostile, challenging

and a blank facial expression

Arms behind body, hands clasped Authority or confidence

Leaning towards speaker Interest, openness, engagement

Leaning away from speaker. Disengagement, lack of investment in conversation

* There are many way to interpret non-verbal cues—these are only some of the emotions the cue
may reflect

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Homework

1. Carefully read the unit on Therapeutic Communication and make a list of any questions you
have.

2. Practice using the Active Listening skill and prepare for the skill observation and feedback time
at the next training session.

3. Complete Exercise #1, the “Active Listing Scenarios.”

4. Call if you have any questions before the next session.

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Active Listening Homework Scenarios

For each scenario listed:

1. State the feeling identified by the youth.

2. Use it in a correct active listening response.
3. What open question would you ask to elicit more information about the situation?

Example: He laughed at me, my own brother sat there and laughed at me.

Feeling identified: I felt like a fool.

Active Listening Response: Sounds like you were feeling embarrassed.

Open question: What were you doing that caused your brother to laugh?

1. My boyfriend promised me he would call me two hours ago.

Feeling identified:

Active Listening response:

Open question:

2. It’s going to be great. I can’t wait to get started!

Feeling identified:

Active Listening response:

Open question:

3. I shouldn’t have been so mean to her.

Feeling identified:

Active Listening response:

Open questions:

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4. I don’t want to go to school. Those guys are always messing around with me.

Feeling identified:

Active Listening response:

Open question:

5. I try hard to do the right thing but keep falling on my face. What’s the use anyway?

Feeling identified:

Active Listening response:

Open question:

6. I’m going to court on Friday. I hope my mother is there and tells the judge she is ready for me
to come home.

Feeling identified:

Active Listening response:

Open question:

7. There isn’t anything fun to do around here. I’m tired of just sitting around.

Feeling identified:

Active Listening response:

Open question:

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Vocabulary of Feelings
Mild Moderate Strong
Happy Glad Light-hearted Thrilled
Good Happy Ecstatic
Contented Serene Overjoyed
Satisfied Wonderful Elated
Gratified Excited Sensational
Pleasant Aglow Exhilarated
Pleased Glowing Fantastic
Fine In High Spirit Terrific
Jovial Euphoric
Riding High Enthusiastic
Elevated Delighted
Neat Marvelous
Cheerful Great

Caring Warm Toward Fond Of Tenderness

Friendly Regard Affection
Like Respectful Captivated
Positive Admiration Attached
Toward Concern For Devoted To
Hold Dear Adoration
Prize Loving
Taken With Infatuated
Enamored
Cherish
Idolize
Depressed Unhappy Sorrowful Hopeless
Down Demoralized Dejected
Low Discouraged Alienated
Bad Miserable Gloomy
Blah Pessimistic Dismal
Disappointed Tearful Bleak
Sad Weepy In Despair
Glum Rotten Empty
Downcast Awful Barren
Horrible Grieved
Terrible Despair
Blue Grim
Melancholy Distressed

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Mild Moderate Strong

Inadequate Lacking Confidence Whipped Worthless
Unsure Defeated Good For Nothing
Uncertain Incompetent Washed Up
Weak Inept Powerless
Inefficient Overwhelmed Helpless
Unable Ineffective Impotent
Lacking Crippled
Deficient Inferior
Incapable Emasculated
Small Useless
Insignificant Finished
Unfit Like A Failure
Unimportant Inadequate
Incomplete
No Good

Fearful Anxious Scared Terrified

Unsure Fearful Frightened
Hesitant Apprehensive Intimidated
Timid Jumpy Horrified
Shy Shaky Desperate
Worried Threatened Panicky
Uneasy Butterflies Terror Stricken
Bashful Awkward Stage Fright
Embarrassed Defensive Dread
Ill At Ease Nervous Vulnerable
Doubtful Paralyzed
Jittery Afraid
On Edge
Uncomfortable
Self-conscious

Confused Unsure Disorganized Bewildered

Bothered Foggy Puzzled
Uncomfortable Troubled Baffled
Undecided Adrift Perplexed
Chagrined Lost Trapped
Cross Going in Circles Confounded
Dismayed Disconcerted In A Dilemma
Impatient Frustrated Befuddled
In a Bind In A Quandary
Ambivalent Full Of Questions
Disturbed Confused
Helpless Mixed Up

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Mild Moderate Strong

Hurt Exploited Belittled Crushed
Debased Shot Down Destroyed
Slammed Overlooked Ruined
Slandered Abused Degraded
Impugned Depreciated Pain(ed)
Cheapened Criticized Wounded
Put Down Defamed Devastated
Neglected Discredited Tortured
Over Looked Laughed At Disgraced
Minimized Maligned Humiliated
Let Down Mistreated Anguished
Unappreciated Ridiculed Forsaken
Taken For Granted Devalued Rejected
Used Scored Discarded
Mocked Betrayed

Angry Bugged Ticked Off Furious

Annoyed Mad Enraged
Irritated Smoldering Seething
Mean Hot Outraged
Crabby Frustrated Infuriated
Cranky Impatient Burned-up
Grumpy Steamed Fighting Mad
Grouchy Upset Violent
Miffed Riled Indignant
Aggravated Bitter
Vengeful
Hateful
Vicious

Lonely Left Out Lonely Isolated

Excluded Alienated Abandoned
Lonesome Estranged All Alone
Distant Remote Forsaken
Aloof Alone Cut Off
Apart from Others
Insulated

Guilt/Shame Wrong Guilty Heart Sick

Embarrassed Remorseful Unforgivable
At Fault Crummy Humiliated
In Error To Blame Disgraced
Responsible For Lost Face Degraded
Blew It Demeaned Horrible
Goofed Regretful Mortified

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Lament Exposed

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