​GOD TOLD ME TO MARRY YOU

Kingsley Okonkwo

Copyright 2010

ISBN: ​978-978-49768-1-7 
All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may
be reproduced, or stored in retrieval system or
transmitted in any form or by any means-
Electronic, mechanical,photocopy or any other without
permission of the author.
 CONTENTS

1. Preface
2. Can God Choose My Spouse?
3. Is There One Particular Person For Me?
4. Can God Force His Will On Me?
5. I Think God Is Leading Me, What Do I Do?
 GOD TOLD ME TO MARRY YOU

IN CHRISTIAN CIRCLES today, this issue of

‘​God said​…’ or ​‘God told me…’ has brought a lot
of confusion and caused a lot of problems especially
for unassuming young ladies today. You find that
when it comes to marriage, a lot of people,
especially ladies make the mistake of falling prey to
manipulation and intimidation under the guise of a
marriage proposal. A man comes to a young lady
and says to her, “Thus saith the Lord: you are my
wife” or another very common one you’ll hear is, “I
had a dream and the Lord revealed to me that you
are my husband”. You know, I hear this a lot and it
really bothers me that young people will allow
themselves to be held captive or manipulated by
such lies. So I decided to address the issue once and
for all.
I have NEVER seen it anywhere in the Bible where
God ​commanded that someone ​MUST marry a
particular person. The closest I have ever come
across is the Adam and Eve story or the story of
how Isaac’s wife was picked. Now, I don’t know
about you but I think that almost, if not every child
of God has missed their direction one time or the
other. Sometimes when we claim God said
something to us, we either heard ourselves, (that is,
our flesh or our minds) or misinterpreted what God
said or out-rightly even heard the devil. The funny
thing is at such times, we are usually so convinced
that we know what we are doing, until something
happens that proves to us that it was not God
speaking. The next few chapters will clear out any
doubt from your heart about; ​‘God said…’ or
‘God told me…’
 1
CAN GOD CHOOSE MY SPOUSE?
AS I SAID ​earlier, I have never seen this in the
Bible which is our manual when it comes to life
issues especially marriage. So let us take a look at
the two instances of Adam and Isaac I mentioned
earlier. Let’s start from the very beginning, in the
book of Genesis:

19. Out of the ground the LORD God formed

every beast of the field and every bird of the air,
and brought them to Adam to see what he
would call them. And whatever Adam called
each living creature that was its name.
20. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the
birds of the air, and to every beast of the field.
But for Adam there was not found a helper
comparable to him.
21. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to
fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of
his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.
22. Then the rib which the LORD God had taken
from man He made into a woman and He
brought her to the man.
23. And Adam said:
"This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man."
Gen 2:19-23 NKJV

You can see from the above scripture that God

made the animals and BROUGHT them to Adam.
Adam was the one that decided what they were to
be called. If he had called the monkey his wife; that
is what it would have been. It was in the same
manner that God brought Eve to Adam. If Adam
had called her anything but the bone of his bones
and the flesh of his flesh; if he had not chosen her
as his wife, God would probably have made
someone else for him. God never forced her on
Adam, He simply brought her and before He could
even make the introductions, Adam had made the
choice. God only presents or leads but you make the
choice.

One of the reasons God doesn’t make the choice of

a partner for you is that it would make people
totally irresponsible. They won’t check out the
person very well, they would say since God said this
is my husband then he must be good. When they
now have issues in the marriage they would say like
Adam, ​“It is the wife you gave me”​. God
expects you to be responsible when choosing a
spouse. You must make your own informed choice
even if you feel God is leading you.

Let’s take a look at how a wife was chosen for Isaac.

12. Then he said, "O LORD God of my master

Abraham, please give me success this day, and
show kindness to my master Abraham.
13. Behold, I stand here by the well of water, and
the daughters of the men of the city are coming
out to draw water.
14. Now let it be that the young woman to whom
I say, 'Please let down your pitcher that I may
drink,' and she says, 'Drink, and I will also give
your camels a drink'--let her be the one You
have appointed for Your servant Isaac. And by
this I will know that You have shown kindness to
my master."
15. And it happened, before he had finished
speaking, that behold, Rebekah, who was born
to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor,
Abraham's brother, came out with her pitcher
on her shoulder.
16. Now the young woman was very beautiful to
behold, a virgin; no man had known her. And
she went down to the well, filled her pitcher,
and came up.
17. And the servant ran to meet her and said,
"Please let me drink a little water from your
pitcher."
18. So she said, "Drink, my lord." Then she
quickly let her pitcher down to her hand, and
gave him a drink.
19. And when she had finished giving him a
drink, she said, "I will draw water for your
camels also, until they have finished drinking."
20. Then she quickly emptied her pitcher into
the trough, ran back to the well to draw water,
and drew for all his camels.
21. And the man, wondering at her, remained
silent so as to know whether the LORD had
made his journey prosperous or not.
22. So it was, when the camels had finished
drinking, that the man took a golden nose ring
weighing half a shekel, and two bracelets for her
wrists weighing ten shekels of gold,
23. and said, "Whose daughter are you? Tell me,
please, is there room in your father's house for
us to lodge?"
24. So she said to him, "I am the daughter of
Bethuel, Milcah's son, whom she bore to
Nahor."
25. Moreover she said to him, "We have both
straw and feed enough, and room to lodge."
26. Then the man bowed down his head and
worshiped the LORD.
27. And he said, "Blessed be the LORD God of
my master Abraham, who has not forsaken His
mercy and His truth toward my master. As for
me, being on the way, the LORD led me to the
house of my master's brethren."
28. So the young woman ran and told her
mother's household these things
Gen 24:12-28 NKJV

If you follow this story closely you will see that

there are some steps that the servant took in
finding a wife for Isaac. These things helped him
make the right choice.

First of all, the servant had an idea of what he

wanted; someone not from the wrong tribe (same
faith), hospitable, respectful, hard working and
caring [v.14].
Secondly, he prayed about the qualities he was
looking for and asked God to lead him [v.12].
Then he went where he could meet eligible ladies.
He didn’t stay at home waiting for God to speak
[vs.10-11]

Then finally and most importantly, God led him but

he made the choice [vs.26-27].
It was not compulsory for him to have taken
Rebekah. It was just that she fit into all the qualities
he was looking for. He still had a choice. And if you
continue reading that chapter you’ll find that much
later when they asked the girl (Rebekah), she chose
to go with the servant. It was still her choice. God
may lead you but he definitely does not force
anyone on you.

58. Then they called Rebekah and said to her,

"Will you go with this man?" And she said, "I
will go." Gen 24:58 NKJV
Ladies especially must take note of this. ​Do not
marry anyone based on their own
conviction; marry on your own conviction.
You must be sure. Some ladies can’t make up their
minds so they want to lean on someone else’s
conviction. They ask, “Are you sure God told you?”
and then take on a ‘what-else-can-I-do attitude’. As
if they don’t have a choice in the matter. This has
become an excuse for many Christian ladies to
settle for less than they deserve or desire. They say,
“But what can I do? God said I am his wife. I don’t
want to miss God.” Like my wife always says,
“Sister, ​you do have a choice!” Don’t marry an
unbeliever or a Christian with poor character all in
the name of ​‘God said…’ Take note that God can’t
ask you to be unequally yoked [II Corinthians 6:14].
Remember that no matter what kind of prophecy
anyone brings your way, the word of God cannot
lie. It is a MORE SURE word of prophecy [II
Peter1:19]; so confirm from the Word.
When someone says, “God revealed to me that you
are my wife” or they say, “God said you are my
wife”, the truth is they can’t prove to us whether it
is true or not because it is a personal experience.
No one was there when God told them (even if he
did tell them). Some use it to intimidate baby
Christians into agreeing to marry them. They make
them believe if they don’t marry them they would
have missed God’s perfect will for them and they
will never find happiness with anyone else. Friend,
don’t be intimidated, stand on the word.
 TWO

IS THERE ONE PARTICULAR

PERSON​ FOR ME​?

I hear people ask this question all the time and the
truth is, I think that people who say that there is
only one person out there for you or there is one
perfect will for you in marriage, are simply being
emotional. There are two major reasons why this
theory of only one person for you cannot be true.

First and foremost, with the level of divorce and

marriage mistakes people make, if there was only
one person for you then we would all be in big
trouble. Why? Because chances are, someone could
have married “your spouse” and that would mean if
one person misses it by marrying someone which is
not their own husband then they would have
automatically put the person whose husband they
married in error and with the level of marriage
mistakes we have, chances are, we would probably
never get it right . The whole system will be messed
up by now.

Secondly, it is not possible to have only one perfect

person for you since that means if something
unfortunate like death, (which is no fault of yours)
were to take the person even before you meet, you
would never be fulfilled in marriage and we don’t
serve a God who is wicked or confused. He does all
things well. God has a lot of godly options for you
but it is still up to you to make a choice and to be
responsible for that choice.

Even when God commanded Hosea the prophet to

marry a prostitute, God still allowed him choose the
prostitute to marry. He didn’t make the choice for
him (Hosea 1:2-3). Besides, we all know that there
are some people that if God were to appear to you
and ask you to marry them you would say, “God
forbid!” so let’s stop making excuses for making
sentimental decisions when we know clearly that it
makes no sense.
 THREE

CAN GOD FORCE HIS WILL ON

ME?

To a large extent, finding a spouse is like finding a

car or a house. You have to meet people the way
you would go out and inspect a house or check out a
car. You must have an idea of the basic things you
want in the car; the height, you look at what kind of
routes you will be plying, whether you like the
comfort of the drive, or in the case of a house; basic
specifications for a house like how many rooms, the
area you want to live, size of rooms, compound
space, etc. You must have a basic idea of what you
want and the price you are willing to pay for it. It is
the same thing when looking for a spouse. You
must feel the person out by first being friends.
There are some people that after you’ve spent time
with them, you don’t even need to pray about it.
In some cases, you may even think that God is
leading you to someone but when you feel the
person out, you’ll know that it can’t be God. I
remember when my wife and I were searching for a
house; we heard about some houses, the
specifications and the deal was incredible. We
actually almost believed that because it sounded
too good to be true, that it was God but when we
got there, it was obviously not what we wanted or
needed for that matter. For some other houses, we
saw they had potential but the estate agents in
charge were unwilling to pay the price to improve
them. That’s how some people are; when you meet
them, you find that they even have the potential or
the basic qualities you are looking for but they are
unwilling to make changes to improve themselves
and God is not going to force you to marry those
kind of people just because you think you have a
leading in that direction. You have a right to change
your mind.
God will never impose His will on you no matter
how crucial it is. I think it is immaturity, ignorance
and cowardice that make people say things like
that. Stop hiding behind God, he can speak for
Himself. For instance, with Adam, God presented
all the animals then he presented Eve. Adam chose
her. He named her the way he had named other
animals then he chose her. Adam made the decision
not God. God did not impose her on him. Even
when it came to the fruit of good and evil in the
garden, God left it to their discretion, He gave them
the choice of either obeying him or disobeying Him
but he never forced them.

Even in the case of His Son Jesus and something as

crucial as saving the world, God still did not force
Him. He said, ​“I lay it down of myself” (John
10:18).
Also, when dealing with the children of Israel, God
had promised them the land of Canaan; He showed
them the land but they had to decide to take it.

Besides, God didn’t force us to love Him or to

accept His love He said choose ye this day whom
you will serve (Joshua 24:15). You must choose who
you love. If God forces you to love Him or someone
else that won’t be true love and love is the
foundation of relationships. If God forces us to love
Him, it would also be violating our freewill, even
with the most important of all things: your
salvation, God still gives you the opportunity to
make a choice of your own freewill.
 FOUR

I THINK GOD​ ​IS LEADING ME

WHAT​ ​DO I DO?

I am sure that even after everything I have said

some of you may still be feeling like
“Yes pastor, I understand everything you’ve said
but I still believe God is leading me to marry him
or her so what do I do? I don’t want to come across
as building my relationship on prophecy but I
have a knowing in my heart that he or she is my
spouse”. I know some of you may be caught in that
predicament so here are a few things you can do:

1. Keep the “God said…” to yourself.

The truth is it is your personal leading and to be
honest with you, you can be wrong. You know, the
source of a thing is usually its sustenance.
Whatever you start a marriage on is what that
marriage will be sustained by. It is love that should
run a marriage not prophecy (God said) so be
careful how you use the ‘God said…’ One of the
major problems I have with ‘God said…’ is that later
if there are problems, some will say I didn’t love
you it was God that said I should marry you; it was
a sacrifice for me (they will act like they were doing
you a favour).So keep the leading to yourself .

2. Develop Friendship.
Take your time to get to know that person well.
Don’t be clouded by what you think you heard God
say. You must feel out that person; their character,
their values, their visions. Who are they really? Not
what you think they are but who they really are and
you can only discover this in friendship. Basically,
you must get to know them very well as friends:
Can two walk together unless they agree?
[Amos 3:3]
When you get to know some people you will either
confirm or cancel what you think God told you.
3. If You Are Still Satisfied Then Ask Her
To Marry You.
However, be sure to tell her what you like about her
not “God said…” Tell her the reasons you want to
spend the rest of your life with her and why you
think she is the one that can help you fulfil your
life’s vision. Tell her why of all the ladies you have
met she is the one you chose to be your wife.

However, before you take any of these steps, be

sure to discuss with your pastor or other sound and
mature Christians. The Bible says
29 Let two or three prophets speak, and let the
others judge.
1 Cor. 14:29-30 NKJV

In other words people can check what you think

God is saying.

In closing, let me talk to the ladies. I find that

oftentimes; ladies get the rough end of the deal and
are constantly being deceived by men telling them
that God said they are their wives. Honey, if anyone
tells you ‘God said…’ tell him that God can speak for
himself and God has not said anything to you. Tell
him he should tell God to tell you. Then, ask the
brother what does he want? What is he saying? You
can’t hold a man on the promise made by another.
You can only hold him by his own words so ask him
what he wants or what he is saying.

I've seen many situations where “God” has changed

His mind after a few months into the relationship
and since you were not there when God told him as
he claims; you won’t also be there to verify when
God changes His mind, and the truth is that you
shouldn’t marry someone just because he said God
said so. Do you like the person? Are you going the
same way? Do you fit into each other’s life visions?
You can’t base decisions that affect your life on
another person’s convictions.

I remember once when a young man came to the

office. He had just resigned his job because
according to him, God had told him that he should
come and work with us as a pastor. Even while he
was speaking I knew like I know my name that it
was not God he had heard. Why? First of all, we
don’t employ pastors from outside. We train our
pastors in-house. Secondly, at the time we couldn’t
even afford to employ a cleaner talk less of a pastor.
After that I met him not quite long ago in another
ministry and he had found where God wanted him
to be and he was happy there.

Even in a case where you feel God has spoken to

you let the man commit with his own words first.
So that he can be responsible. If both of you build
your marriage on what you think God said, none of
you will take responsibility for your actions. You
must take time to get to know each other as friends
and be sure that you like things about each other so
that you won’t stay together just because you think
God is imposing someone on you whom ordinarily
you would not like. Don’t forget that marriage is to
be​ ENJOYED​ and not ​ENDURED.

Finally, let me say this. I have noticed that a lot of

people claim God spoke to them when it comes to
the marriage issue but God has never spoken to
them concerning any other issue before that. God
doesn’t work like that. He would usually lead you in
small things before leading you in something that
important. So first build your relationship with God
and let him lead you in simple things and in your
relationship with Him.

REMEMBER, YOU CAN HAVE THE

MARRIAGE OF YOUR DREAMS!
About the author

Kingsley Okonkwo is the Senior Pastor of David's Christian

Centre in Lagos. A profound teacher with a passion for building
strong marriages based on timeless biblical principles.

He is the host of the popular monthly relationship seminar,

Love, Dating and Marriage which currently airs weekly on
television stations. He is a much sought after speaker whose
humour and practical styled teachings have been a blessing to
people of all ages and races.

He is happily married to his lovely wife and best friend Mildred

who pastors with him and they have 3 lovely children.
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