Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something

that’s important to you. You may feel a variety of

emotions, like sadness or loneliness. And you might
experience it for a number of different reasons. Maybe a
loved one died, a relationship ended, or you lost your job.
Other life changes, like chronic illness or a move to a new
home, can also lead to grief.
Everyone grieves differently. But if you understand your
emotions, take care of yourself, and seek support, you can
heal.

What Are the Stages of Grief?

Your feelings may happen in phases as you come to terms
with your loss. You can’t control the process, but it’s
helpful to know the reasons behind your feelings. Doctors
have identified five common stages of grief:

 Denial: When you first learn of a loss, it’s normal to

think, “This isn’t happening.” You may feel shocked or
numb. This is a temporary way to deal with the rush
of overwhelming emotion. It’s a defense mechanism.
 Anger: As reality sets in, you’re faced with the pain of
your loss. You may feel frustrated and helpless. These
feelings later turn into anger. You might direct it
toward other people, a higher power, or life in
general. To be angry with a loved one who died and
left you alone is natural, too.
 Bargaining: During this stage, you dwell on what you
could’ve done to prevent the loss. Common thoughts
are “If only…” and “What if…” You may also try to
strike a deal with a higher power.
  Depression: Sadness sets in as you begin to
understand the loss and its effect on your life. Signs of
depression include crying, sleep issues, and a
decreased appetite. You may feel overwhelmed,
regretful, and lonely.
 Acceptance: In this final stage of grief, you accept
the reality of your loss. It can’t be changed. Although
you still feel sad, you’re able to start moving forward
with your life.

Every person goes through these phases in his or her own

way. You may go back and forth between them, or skip
one or more stages altogether. Reminders of your loss, like
the anniversary of a death or a familiar song, can trigger
the return of grief.

How Long Is Too Long to Mourn?

There’s no “normal” amount of time to grieve. Your grieving process depends on a number of
things, like your personality, age, beliefs, and support network. The type of loss is also a factor.
For example, chances are you’ll grieve longer and harder over the sudden death of a loved one
than, say, the end of a romantic relationship.
With time, the sadness eases. You’ll be able to feel happiness and joy along with grief. You’ll be
able to return to your daily life.

Do I Need Professional Help?

In some cases, grief doesn’t get better. You may not be able to accept the loss. Doctors call this
“complicated grief.” Talk to your doctor if you have any of the following:

 Trouble keeping up your normal routine, like going to work and cleaning the house
 Feelings of depression
 Thoughts that life isn’t worth living, or of harming yourself
 Any inability to stop blaming yourself

A therapist can help you explore your emotions. She can

also teach you coping skills and help you manage your
grief. If you’re depressed, a doctor may be able to
prescribe medicines to help you feel better.
When you’re in deep, emotional pain, it can be tempting to
try to numb your feelings with drugs, alcohol, food, or
even work. But be careful. These are temporary escapes
that won’t make you heal faster or feel better in the long
run. In fact, they can lead
to addiction, depression, anxiety, or even an emotional
breakdown.
Instead, try these things to help you come to terms with
your loss and begin to heal:

 Give yourself time. Accept your feelings and know

that grieving is a process.
 Talk to others. Spend time with friends and family.
Don’t isolate yourself.
 Take care of yourself. Exercise regularly, eat well,
and get enough sleep to stay healthy and energized.
 Return to your hobbies. Get back to the activities
that bring you joy.
 Join a support group. Speak with others who are
also grieving. It can help you feel more connected.
What does Bible say about grief?
 Grief is temporary, as are these bodies. And like the Lord Jesus,
even in grief we do not lose hope in God. Jesus, mourning, knew
that the day is coming “when all tears are wiped away” (Revelation
7:17, 21:4 ESV). And so our Lord Jesus did not grieve as one without
hope, and neither do we
Coping with Grief and Loss
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there
are healthy ways to deal with the grieving
process. These tips can help.

What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when
something or someone you love is taken away. Often, the pain of loss can feel
overwhelming. You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected
emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. The pain
of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or
even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss—and the more significant
the loss, the more intense your grief will be.

Coping with the loss of someone or something you love is one of life’s biggest
challenges. You may associate grieving with the death of a loved one—which is
often the cause of the most intense type of grief—but any loss can cause grief,
including:

1. Divorce or relationship breakup

2. Loss of health
3. Losing a job
4. Loss of financial stability
5. A miscarriage
6. Retirement

7. Death of a pet
 8. Loss of a cherished dream
9. A loved one’s serious illness
10. Loss of a friendship
11. Loss of safety after a trauma
12. Selling the family home

Even subtle losses in life can trigger a sense of grief. For example, you might
grieve after moving away from home, graduating from college, or changing jobs.
Whatever your loss, it’s personal to you, so don’t feel ashamed about how you
feel, or believe that it’s somehow only appropriate to grieve for certain things. If
the person, animal, relationship, or situation was significant to you, it’s normal to
grieve the loss you’re experiencing. Whatever the cause of your grief, though,
there are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time, can ease your sadness
and help you come to terms with your loss, find new meaning, and eventually
move on with your life.

The grieving process

Grieving is a highly individual experience; there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping
style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.

Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be
forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some
people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is
measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient
with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

Myths and facts about grief and grieving

Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long
run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

Myth: It’s important to “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you
are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front.
 Myths and facts about grief and grieving

Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

Myth: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry
may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

Myth: Grieving should last about a year.

Fact: There is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to
person.

Myth: Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss.

Fact: Moving on means you’ve accepted your loss—but that’s not the same as forgetting. Y
can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an
important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more an
more integral to defining the people we are.

How to deal with the grieving process

While grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with
the pain, come to terms with your grief, and eventually, find a way to pick up the
pieces and move on with your life.

1. Acknowledge your pain.

2. Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
3. Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
4. Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
5. Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
6. Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

The stages of grief

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as
the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the
feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized
them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a
loved one or a break-up.

The five stages of grief

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to
know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not
everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages—and that’s okay.
Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order
to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of
these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t
experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you
“should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.

Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that
applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she
said of the five stages of grief: “They were never meant to help tuck messy
emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have,
but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our
grieving is as individual as our lives.”

Grief can be a roller coaster

Instead of a series of stages, we might also think of the grieving process as a

roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters,
the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and
longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes
by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at
special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still
experience a strong sense of grief.

Source: Hospice Foundation of America

Symptoms of grief
While loss affects people in different ways, many of us experience the following
symptoms when we’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you
experience in the early stages of grief is normal—including feeling like you’re
going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious or
spiritual beliefs.

Emotional symptoms of grief

Shock and disbelief. Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened.
You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even
deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to
show up, even though you know they’re gone.

Sadness. Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced

symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or
deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.

Guilt. You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You
may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person
died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not
doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could
have done.

Anger. Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If
you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even
the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame
someone for the injustice that was done to you.

Fear. A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel
anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a
loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that
person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.
Physical symptoms of grief
We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves
physical problems, including:

 Fatigue

 Nausea

 Lowered immunity

 Weight loss or weight gain

 Aches and pains

 Insomnia

Seek support for grief and loss

The pain of grief can often cause you to want to withdraw from others and retreat
into your shell. But having the face-to-face support of other people is vital to
healing from loss. Even if you’re not comfortable talking about your feelings
under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving.
While sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easier to carry, that doesn’t
mean that every time you interact with friends and family, you need to talk about
your loss. Comfort can also come from just being around others who care about
you. The key is not to isolate yourself.

Turn to friends and family members. Now is the time to lean on the people
who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient.
Rather than avoiding them, draw friends and loved ones close, spend time
together face to face, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Often, people
want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need—whether it’s a
shoulder to cry on, help with funeral arrangements, or just someone to hang out
with. If you don’t feel you have anyone you can regularly connect with in person,
it’s never too late to build new friendships.

Accept that many people feel awkward when trying to comfort someone
who’s grieving. Grief can be a confusing, sometimes frightening emotion for
many people, especially if they haven’t experienced a similar loss themselves.
They may feel unsure about how to comfort you and end up saying or doing the
wrong things. But don’t use that as an excuse to retreat into your shell and avoid
social contact. If a friend or loved one reaches out to you, it’s because they care.
Draw comfort from your faith. If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the
comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to
you—such as praying, meditating, or going to church—can offer solace. If you’re
questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in
your religious community.

Join a support group. Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved
ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar
losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local
hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers, or see the
Resources section below.

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor. If your grief feels like too much to
bear, find a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An
experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and
overcome obstacles to your grieving.

Using social media for grief support

Memorial pages on Facebook and other social media sites have become popular
ways to inform a wide audience of a loved one’s passing and to reach out for
support. As well as allowing you to impart practical information, such as funeral
plans, these pages allow friends and loved ones to post their own tributes or
condolences. Reading such messages can often provide comfort for those
grieving the loss.

Of course, posting sensitive content on social media has its risks. Memorial
pages are often open to anyone with a Facebook account. This may encourage
people who hardly knew the deceased to post well-meaning but inappropriate
comments or advice. Worse, memorial pages can also attract Internet trolls.
There have been many well-publicized cases of strangers posting cruel or
abusive messages on memorial pages.

To gain some protection, you can opt to create a closed group on Facebook
rather than a public page, which means people have to be approved by a group
member before they can access the memorial. It’s also important to remember
that while social media can be a useful tool for reaching out to others, it can’t
replace the face-to-face support you need at this time.

Take care of yourself as you grieve

When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The
stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves.
Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this
difficult time.

Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it
forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid
feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief
can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse,
and health problems.

Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a

journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to
say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get
involved in a cause or organization that was important to your loved one.

Try to maintain your hobbies and interests. There’s comfort in routine and

getting back to the activities that bring you joy and connect you closer to others
can help you come to terms with your loss and aid the grieving process.

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel
either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to
“move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without
embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry
or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when
you’re ready.

Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can

reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and
know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with
other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on
strategies to honor the person you loved.

Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you
feel healthy physically, you’ll be better able to cope emotionally. Combat stress
and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use
alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

For help facing up to and managing distressing emotions like grief…

Use HelpGuide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit.

When grief doesn’t go away
As time passes following a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one, it’s
normal for feelings of sadness, numbness, or anger to gradually ease. These and
other difficult emotions become less intense as you begin to accept the loss and
start to move forward with your life. However, if you aren’t feeling better over
time, or your grief is getting worse, it may be a sign that your grief has developed
into a more serious problem, such as complicated grief or major depression.

Complicated grief
The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it
shouldn’t remain center stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe
that it keeps you from resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition
known as complicated grief. Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense
state of mourning. You may have trouble accepting the death long after it has
occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily
routine and undermines your other relationships.

Symptoms of complicated grief include:

 Intense longing and yearning for your deceased loved one

 Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one

 Denial of the death or sense of disbelief

 Imagining that your loved one is alive

 Searching for your deceased loved one in familiar places

 Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one

 Extreme anger or bitterness over your loss

 Feeling that life is empty or meaningless

If your loved one’s death was sudden, violent, or otherwise extremely stressful or
disturbing, complicated grief can manifest as psychological trauma or PTSD. If
your loss has left you feeling helpless and struggling with upsetting emotions,
memories, and anxiety that won’t go away, you may have been traumatized. But
with the right guidance, you can make healing changes and move on with your
life.
The difference between grief and depression
Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy as they
share many symptoms, but there are ways to tell the difference. Remember, grief
can be a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good
and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will
still have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand,
the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant.

Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief, include:

 Intense, pervasive sense of guilt

 Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying

 Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness

 Slow speech and body movements

 Inability to function at home, work, and/or school

 Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there

Can antidepressants help grief?

As a general rule, normal grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants.
While medication may relieve some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the
cause, which is the loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the pain that must be
worked through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process. Instead,
there are other steps you can take to deal with depression and regain your sense
of joy in life.

When to seek professional help for grief

If you’re experiencing symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk
to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and
depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health
problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better.

Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:

1. Feel like life isn’t worth living

2. Wish you had died with your loved one
 3. Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
4. Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
5. Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
6. Are unable to perform your normal daily activities

Helping Someone Who’s Grieving

Is someone you know grieving a loss? Learn what
to say and how to comfort someone through
bereavement, grief, and loss.

How to support someone who’s grieving

When someone you care about is grieving after a loss, it can be difficult to know
what to say or do. The bereaved struggle with many intense and painful
emotions, including depression, anger, guilt, and profound sadness. Often, they
also feel isolated and alone in their grief, since the intense pain and difficult
emotions can make people uncomfortable about offering support.

You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making your loved one
feel even worse at such a difficult time. Or maybe you think there’s little you can
do to make things better. That’s understandable. But don’t let discomfort prevent
you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. Now, more than ever, your
loved one needs your support. You don’t need to have answers or give advice or
say and do all the right things. The most important thing you can do for a grieving
person is to simply be there. It’s your support and caring presence that will help
your loved one cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal.

The keys to helping a loved one who’s grieving

 Don’t let fears about saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from
reaching out

 Let your grieving loved one know that you’re there to listen

 Understand that everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of

time

 Offer to help in practical ways

 Maintain your support after the funeral

Helping a grieving person tip 1: Understand the

grieving process
The better your understanding of grief and how it is healed, the better equipped
you’ll be to help a bereaved friend or family member:

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not always unfold in

orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional rollercoaster, with
unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid
telling your loved one what they “should” be feeling or doing.

Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger,

despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens,
obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. Your
loved one needs reassurance that what they feel is normal. Don’t judge them or
take their grief reactions personally.
There is no set timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery after
bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be
longer or shorter. Don’t pressure your loved one to move on or make them feel
like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow the healing process.

Tip 2: Know what to say to someone who’s

grieving
While many of us worry about what to say to a grieving person, it’s actually more
important to listen. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the
death or change the subject when the deceased person is mentioned. Or,
knowing there’s nothing they can say to make it better, they try to avoid the
grieving person altogether.

But the bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, it’s not too terrible
to talk about, and their loved one won’t be forgotten. One day they may want to
cry on your shoulder, on another day they may want to vent, or sit in silence, or
share memories. By being present and listening compassionately, you can take
your cues from the grieving person. Simply being there and listening to them can
be a huge source of comfort and healing.

How to talk—and listen—to someone who’s grieving

While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let your
grieving friend or loved one know that you’re there to listen if they want to talk
about their loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away
from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. And when it seems
appropriate, ask sensitive questions—without being nosy—that invite the grieving
person to openly express their feelings. By simply asking, “Do you feel like
talking?” you’re letting your loved one know that you’re available to listen.

You can also:

Acknowledge the situation. For example, you could say something as simple

as: “I heard that your father died.” By using the word “died” you’ll show that
you’re more open to talk about how the grieving person really feels.

Express your concern. For example: “I’m sorry to hear that this happened to
you.”

Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are
grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute
detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the
death. With each retelling, the pain lessens. By listening patiently and
compassionately, you’re helping your loved one heal.

Ask how your loved one feels. The emotions of grief can change rapidly so
don’t assume you know how the bereaved person feels at any given time. If
you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it
would help. Remember, though, that grief is an intensely individual experience.
No two people experience it exactly the same way, so don’t claim to “know” what
the person is feeling or compare your grief to theirs. Again, put the emphasis on
listening instead, and ask your loved one to tell you how they’re feeling.

Accept your loved one’s feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to
cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with them
over how they should or shouldn’t feel. Grief is a highly emotional experience, so
the bereaved need to feel free to express their feelings—no matter how irrational
—without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.

Be genuine in your communication. Don’t try to minimize their loss, provide

simplistic solutions, or offer unsolicited advice. It’s far better to just listen to your
loved one or simply admit: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I
care.”

Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like
talking. Often, comfort for them comes from simply being in your company. If you
can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a
reassuring hug.

Offer your support. Ask what you can do for the grieving person. Offer to help
with a specific task, such as helping with funeral arrangements, or just be there
to hang out with or as a shoulder to cry on.

Things to avoid saying to someone who’s grieving

“It’s part of God’s plan.” This phrase can make people angry and they often
respond with, “What plan? Nobody told me about any plan.”

“Look at what you have to be thankful for.” They know they have things to be
thankful for, but right now they are not important.

“He’s in a better place now.” The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep
your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
“This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life.” Sometimes the
bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means
“forgetting” their loved one. Besides, moving on is much easier said than done.
Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.

Statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements

are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: “Have you
thought about…” or “You might try…”

Source: American Hospice Foundation

Tip 3: Offer practical assistance

It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about
receiving so much attention, fear being a burden to others, or simply be too
depressed to reach out. A grieving person may not have the energy or motivation
to call you when they need something, so instead of saying, “Let me know if
there’s anything I can do,” make it easier for them by making specific
suggestions. You could say, “I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I
bring you from there?” or “I’ve made beef stew for dinner. When can I come by
and bring you some?”

If you’re able, try to be consistent in your offers of assistance. The grieving

person will know that you’ll be there for as long as it takes and can look forward
to your attentiveness without having to make the additional effort of asking again
and again.

There are many practical ways you can help a grieving person. You can offer to:

 Shop for groceries or run errands

 Drop off a casserole or other type of food

 Help with funeral arrangements

 Stay in your loved one’s home to take phone calls and receive guests

 Help with insurance forms or bills

 Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry

 Watch their children or pick them up from school

  Drive your loved one wherever they need to go

 Look after your loved one’s pets

 Go with them to a support group meeting

 Accompany them on a walk

 Take them to lunch or a movie

 Share an enjoyable activity (sport, game, puzzle, art project)

Tip 4: Provide ongoing support

Your loved one will continue grieving long after the funeral is over and the cards
and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person
to person, but often lasts much longer than most people expect. Your bereaved
friend or family member may need your support for months or even years.

Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in touch with the grieving
person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Once
the funeral is over and the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the
loss has worn off, your support is more valuable than ever.

Don’t make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved

person may look fine on the outside, while inside they’re suffering. Avoid saying
things like “You are so strong” or “You look so well.” This puts pressure on the
person to keep up appearances and to hide their true feelings.

The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life
may never feel the same. You don’t “get over” the death of a loved one. The
bereaved person may learn to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity
over time, but the sadness may never completely go away.

Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year will be
particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family
milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on
these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever
they need.

Tip 5: Watch for warning signs of depression

It’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, disconnected
from others, or like they’re going crazy. But if the bereaved person’s symptoms
don’t gradually start to fade—or they get worse with time—this may be a sign that
normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem, such as clinical
depression.

Encourage the grieving person to seek professional help if you observe any of
the following warning signs after the initial grieving period—especially if it’s been
over two months since the death.

1. Difficulty functioning in daily life

2. Extreme focus on the death
3. Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
4. Neglecting personal hygiene
5. Alcohol or drug abuse

6. Inability to enjoy life

7. Hallucinations
8. Withdrawing from others
9. Constant feelings of hopelessness
10. Talking about dying or suicide

It can be tricky to bring up your concerns to the bereaved person as you don’t
want to be perceived as invasive. Instead of telling the person what to do, try
stating your own feelings: “I am troubled by the fact that you aren’t sleeping—
perhaps you should look into getting help.“

Take talk of suicide very seriously

If a grieving friend or family member talks about suicide, seek help immediately.
Please read Suicide Prevention or call a suicide helpline:

 In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255.

 In the UK, call 116 123.

 Or visit IASP for a helpline in your country.

How to comfort a child who’s grieving

Even very young children feel the pain of bereavement, but they learn how to
express their grief by watching the adults around them. After a loss—particularly
of a sibling or parent—children need support, stability, and honesty. They may
also need extra reassurance that they will be cared for and kept safe. As an
adult, you can support children through the grieving process by demonstrating
that it’s okay to be sad and helping them make sense of the loss.

Answer any questions the child may have as truthfully as you can. Use very
simple, honest, and concrete terms when explaining death to a child. Children—
especially young children—may blame themselves for what happened and the
truth helps them see they are not at fault.

Open communication will smooth the way for a child to express distressing
feelings. Because children often express themselves through stories, games, and
artwork, encourage this self-expression, and look for clues in those activities
about how they are coping.

Helping a grieving child

Do:

 Allow your child, however young, to attend the funeral if they want to.

 Convey your spiritual values about life and death or pray with your child.

 Meet regularly as a family to find out how everyone is coping.

 Help your child find ways to symbolize and memorialize the deceased person.

 Keep your child’s daily routine as normal as possible.

 Pay attention to the way your child plays; this can be how they communicate grief.

Don’t:

 Force a child to publicly mourn if they don’t want to.

 Give false or confusing messages, like “Grandma is sleeping now.”

 Tell a child to stop crying because others might get upset.

 Try to shield a child from the loss. Children pick up on much more than adults realiz
Helping a grieving child

Including them in the grieving process will help them adapt and heal.

 Stifle your tears. By crying in front of your child, you send the message that it’s okay
for them to express feelings, too.

 Turn your child into your personal confidante. Rely on another adult or a support
group instead
 The 6 Types of Grief
 February 15, 2017

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Grief is a state in which all human beings find themselves many times
throughout our existence . Even before our birth, we already start experiencing
loss. In turn, each loss implies a suffering that should be processed and passed.
The common factor in every type of grief is that it implies a loss. But
given that losses can be very diverse in nature, there are different types
of grief. We speak of “evolutionary griefs” when we refer to the losses implied in the
passing from one age to another. There are also the “social griefs”, such as the loss of
a job, retirement, exile, etc.
 “Only the people capable of loving intensely can suffer a great pain, but this
same need to love serves to counteract their griefs, and it cures them.”
-Leo Tolstoy-

However, the griefs which bring the most difficulties are the ones
produces by the loss of a loved one, especially through death.  This is due
in great measure to that the fact that, most of the time, the bond is broken. But
everything else remains intact. The love that the bond was made of, and the dreams,
fantasies and hopes that accompany it. That’s why the suffering is intense and demands
a great deal of work to overcome. From the perspective of affective loss, there are
various types of grief that we will describe below.

Anticipatory grief
This grief takes place when you are aware that you will suffer an
imminent loss, but it hasn’t taken place yet.  This happens, for example, when
you undergo a divorce or a long trip. Or when someone suffers from a
terminal illness or euthanasia is planned.

The difference between this and other types of grief is that in anticipatory grief the
feelings tend to be much more ambivalent and unstable. Since the person is still
around, the mourners will alternate between closeness and
distance. They want to feel the presence of that person for the last time. But at the
same time, they fear the attachment that this generates. In these cases, the best thing to
do is express your feelings openly and directly with the person that will be departing.

Absent grief
This is a kind of grief in which the person affected blocks their feelings.
They try to act as if nothing is happening . In fact, if it is brought up, they don’t
give it any more importance than any other issue.
In this type of case, what’s being applied is a mechanism of denial. The impact is so
strong, that the person doesn’t feel capable of confronting it. That’s why they focus on
other aspects of their life. The problem is that the hidden sorrow always
returns. Be it in the form of irritability, anxiety or a physical illness, among others.

Chronic grief
Chronic grief presents itself when someone fails to work through the
loss of a loved one. One way or another, they refuse to accept what has happened.
Instead, they focus obsessively on keeping alive the memory of the person that has
departed. They end up paralyzing their life and constantly maintaining a stance of pain.

People with depressive tendencies are more likely to settle into this type of grief, which
can also turn into a way of life. It is characterized by anxiety, sadness and
guilt, as well as a sensation of impotence and disillusion.  This type of grief
requires professional help.
Delayed grief
This is, usually, an effect of absent grief. Although at first the person tries to
ignore their pain, after a while, it reemerges with great force and maybe
in the least expected moment. Sometimes several years can even go by before
this type of mourning begins.

It could also happen that someone can’t experience grief in the moment in which they
experience the loss, due to special conditions. For example, a demanding work
commitment or a pressing family situation. The postponed pain appears later on and
presents some complications since, now, it has to be experienced alone.

Inhibited grief
This type of grief is experienced by people who have great difficulty
expressing their feelings.  In the case of children, for example, who can’t seem to
put into words everything that this situation represents. In many occasions, adults ignore
their pain and don’t help them overcome it. Adults simply think that “children just don’t
understand”.

The process of mourning is also inhibited in the case of people with some kind of
cognitive disability. Or in situations such as a father or mother, who try to stay strong in
order to not affect their kids. Or simply, when someone is very reserved and doesn’t
have the opportunity to talk about what they are feeling. In any case, the inhibition
translates into obsessions, constant depression, anxiety, etc.
Unauthorized grief
In unauthorized grief, the environment or the person’s surroundings
manifest a rejection towards the pain they are experimenting. Sooner or
later, others always try to overrule grief at some point because, for someone
who hasn’t lived through this suffering, what the mourner should do is let go
and move on with their life.
However, there are specific situations in which mourning is openly disowned
from the very beginning. For example, when a man or woman who was
involved in an extramarital relationship dies. The lover “has no right” to express
their sorrow. Sometimes this can also apply to the death of a pet. Since it
generates a great deal of pain, but others will tend to disqualify that type of
suffering.
What Is Grief?
Grief is the acute pain that accompanies loss. It is deep, because it is a
reflection of what we love, and it can feel all-encompassing. Grief can follow
the loss of a loved one, but it is not limited to the loss of people; it can follow
the loss of a treasured animal companion, the loss of a job or other important
role in life, or the loss of a home or of other possessions of significant
emotional investment. And it often occurs after a divorce.

Grief is complex; it obeys no formula and has no set expiration date. It is an

important area of ongoing research. While some experts have proposed that
there are clear stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression,
acceptance—many others reject this structure and emphasize that grief is a
highly individualized emotion and not everyone will grieve the same way.

Grief is sometimes compounded by feelings of guilt and confusion over a

loss, especially if the relationship was difficult. Some individuals experience
prolonged grief (also known as complicated grief), which can last months or
years. Without help and support, such grief can lead to isolation and
chronic loneliness.

Many of the symptoms of grief overlap with those of depression. There is

sadness, and often the loss of capacity for pleasure; insomnia; and loss of
interest in eating or taking care of oneself. But the symptoms of grief do tend
to lessen over time, although they may be temporarily reactivated by
important anniversaries or at any time by thoughts or reminders of the loss.
Unlike depression, though, grief does not usually impair one's sense of self-
worth.
 First, it is important to understand the differences between the terms
"grief/grieving" and "bereavement." 

Grief is the psychological-emotional experience following a loss of any kind

(relationship, status, job, house, game, income, etc), whereas bereavement is
a specific type of grief related to someone dying.

This piece will be dedicated primarily to the larger grieving process but is
completely applicable to those experiencing bereavement.

Kubler-Ross to the Present

One of the key things most people don't know about those original five stages
of grief is that Kubler-Ross was writing about people confronting their own
death, not the death of a loved one. Several groups of counselors later took
the idea and used it to help people understand the loss of someone else.
However, almost no scientific research has shown the existence of those
stages, or that people go through stages at all.

Over the past 15 years or so, a much richer body of work has revealed a
variety of different understandings and conclusions. The most important of
these is that grief is a) a highly individualized process, b) it has no specific
timetable, and c) many people find that their lives are better after going
through grief, due to something referred to as "post-stress growth."

Components of Grief

One of the most influential researchers on grief and bereavement is Sidney

Zisook (UC-San Diego). His work has shown that there are four major
components of grief that show up in various forms depending on the person
and the unique circumstances of the loss:

1. Separation Distress: This is a soup of feelings like sadness, anxiety,

pain, helplessness, anger, shame, yearning, loneliness, etc.
2. Traumatic Distress: This includes states of disbelief and shock,
intrusions, and efforts to avoid intrusions and the spike of emotions they
produce.
3. Guilt, remorse, and regrets.
4. Social withdrawal.
People may also experience some symptoms that are similar
to depression such as loss of interest in pleasurable activities, disruptions in
sleep and appetite, low energy, irritability, and depressed mood.

Acute vs Prolonged Grief

Research is starting to reveal that there is a natural and instinctive path that
grief takes that leads to the healthier outcomes. This type is usually called
"acute grief." However, others who suffer for very long periods of time may be
experiencing a block of that pathway, which has come to be known as
"prolonged grief," or "complex grief."

Acute grief: This is a transient, yet powerfully painful state that includes the
aforementioned components. As the grieving process continues over time,
other things start becoming mixed in, including a) positive emotions like
warmth and joy in remembering, or a sense of relief; b)
acceptance, forgiveness, understanding, and compassion; and c) meaning-
making about the loss and circumstances.

Many of us eventually move into something referred to as "integrated

grief," which is when we have a backdrop of bittersweet memories that can
occasionally emerge for many years into the future, but do not overwhelm us
when they do. Once reaching this place, many people say they have a better
outlook on life, live more intentionally, and rearrange their priorities. A growing
number of therapists (including me) see this as one of the desirable end-
points of the grieving process.

Prolonged Grief: This is when a person becomes emotionally paralyzed by

grief for a very long period of time. They experience the components of grief,
but instead of the positive thoughts and feelings emerging, they often
experience:

 Strong fear of painful emotions and the possibility of "losing control"

  In bereavement, fear of forgetting the person or betraying them by
moving on
 Strong belief that they will "never be the same"
 Excessive guilt or anger
 Persistent sense of disbelief
 Moral indignation
 Rumination and a commitment to avoidance
Prolonged grief can often look a lot like depression, and usually requires some
kind of treatment like counseling. Another common issue in prolonged grief
is substance abuse. A lot of people get into problematic cycles
of alcohol, marijuana, or other substance use as a way to escape some of
the pain of grief, which can make move on even more complex.

What Helps in Grief

Since we have learned that grief is a highly individualized process, there is not
a specific set of practices that will help everyone. In my counseling work, I
have found that people who are grieving have developed very creative ways
to work and cope with it, each of which could be its own book or research
study.

That being said, I generally think of the grieving process as a time of transition
and adjustment, and things that are related to positively adjusting to the loss
are favorable. These can include:

1. Staying physically healthy: Depending on what kind of grieving we are

doing, it can be a trying physical experience. It is essential to maintain the
best diet, sleep schedule, and exercise as is possible each day.
2. Meaning-making: This is a piece of ancient wisdom that is deeply
embedded in all spiritual traditions and existential philosophies. Basically,
when we can make sense out of what happened, derive meaning from it,
and put it into a context, we feel better.
3. Honoring the loss: In bereavement, a lot of people feel better when they
find ways to carry on the legacy of the person and solidify a sense of
remembering that will endure over time. Many people do this through some
 kind of art, activism, prayer, or community involvement. As a side note, it is
also very common for people to maintain some kind of connection to the
person they have lost, often by continued communication with them. This is
only problematic when it becomes part of the excessive avoidance in
prolonged grief.
4. Time for loss and time for life: When we are really consumed by grief, it
can seem impossible to continue living as we normally do. My clients find it
valuable to mark a difference between focusing on the loss, and focusing on
their daily lives. Many of them make sure that they stay functional in their
work and daily activities, and then also make time to focus on the loss. This
is not always clean and easy but becomes easier over time.
5. Don't judge your feelings: I recently wrote on this blog about emotion
processing, and a mistake we make in judging our feelings, which only
serves to make our lives more difficult. In grief, above anything else, it is
very important to allow whatever feelings emerge, the space to breathe.
They don't necessarily need to be expressed or felt for long periods of time,
but allowing them to be valid in your own mind will go a long way toward
relieving tension and helping you stay on track toward healing.
6. Basic coping: there are all kinds of other strategies to use in dealing
with the specific feelings as they emerge on a day to day basis. 
Helping Others in Grief

This is complicated because unless we know what the person who is grieving
wants from us, we can become afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. I
have noticed that the type of help we default to is the type of help we would
want if we were grieving, rather than what the other person actually wants.

Given that, I encourage people who are grieving to share their wants and
needs with the people in their lives, which can really reduce the chance of
awkward moments and misunderstandings. Additionally, research shows that
most people who are grieving prefer that others:

1. Express condolences and sympathy

2. Ask them about the circumstances of the loss
3. Check in on them rather than waiting for them to reach out
4. Make plans to get together
5. Give hugs when they are in pain
6. Avoid saying the person should be "strong"
7. Avoid minimizing by suggesting it is "for the best"
In Conclusion

It is very likely that 10 years from now we will have an even better sense of
how grief works, and also what works to help people move through it in
healthy ways. Counseling has been shown to be beneficial for people going
through acute or prolonged grief, so contacting a counseling provider if you
are interested in working on grieving or bereavement can be a great idea.
 Helping Children Deal With Grief
You can't protect your kids from the pain of
loss, but you can help build healthy coping
skills
Rachel Ehmke

Most young children are aware of death, even if they don’t understand it. Death is a
common theme in cartoons and television, and some of your child’s friends may have
already lost a loved one. But experiencing grief firsthand is a different and often
confusing process for kids. As a parent, you can’t protect a child from the pain of loss,
but you can help him feel safe. And by allowing and encouraging him to express his
feelings, you can help him build healthy coping skills that will serve him well in the
future.

Related: Helping Children Cope With Frightening News

Kids grieve differently

After losing a loved one, a child may go from crying one minute to playing the next. His
changeable moods do not mean that he isn’t sad or that he has finished grieving;
children cope differently than adults, and playing can be a defense mechanism to
prevent a child from becoming overwhelmed. It is also normal to feel depressed,
guilty, anxious, or angry at the person who has died, or at someone else entirely.

Very young children may regress and start wetting the bed again, or slip back into baby
talk.

Encourage a child grieving to express feelings

It’s good for kids to express whatever emotions they are feeling.  
It’s good for kids to express whatever emotions they are feeling. There are many good
children’s books about death, and reading these books together can be a great way to
start a conversation with your child. Since many children aren’t able to express their
emotions through words, other helpful outlets include drawing pictures, building a
scrapbook, looking at photo albums, or telling stories.

Be developmentally appropriate
It is hard to know how a child will react to death, or even if he can grasp the concept.
Don’t volunteer too much information, as this may be overwhelming. Instead, try to
answer his questions. Very young children often don’t realize that death is permanent,
and they may think that a dead loved one will come back if they do their chores and eat
their vegetables. As psychiatrist Gail Saltz explains, “Children understand that death is
bad, and they don’t like separation, but the concept of ‘forever’ is just not present.”

Older, school-age children understand the permanence of death, but they may still have
many questions. Do your best to answer honestly and clearly. It’s okay if you can’t
answer everything; being available to your child is what matters.

Be direct
When discussing death, never use euphemisms. Kids are extremely literal, and hearing
that a loved one “went to sleep” can be scary. Besides making your child afraid of
bedtime, euphemisms interfere with his opportunity to develop healthy coping skills
that he will need in the future.

Attending the funeral

Whether or not to attend the funeral is a personal decision that depends entirely on you
and your child. Funerals can be helpful for providing closure, but some children simply
aren’t ready for such an intense experience. Never force a child to attend a funeral. If
your child wants to go, make sure that you prepare him for what he will see. Explain that
funerals are very sad occasions, and some people will probably be crying. If there will be
a casket you should prepare him for that, too.