6/5/17

Karyne Godinez
Working Through The Trauma

It's been four months since the incident. Two months since my skin and bones and

muscles have all healed. The one thing that hasn't healed is me. The old me would have yelled to

get over it, but the new me is afraid, yet not a person knows.

Four months ago I was beaten. I was jumped by two guys, a couple years older than me,

maybe in their third year of college. They came out of nowhere, around 10 at night. Black

clothes, black hair, blank faces. They kept yelling at me, and I didn't know what to do, I gave

them all I had, everything, all the way down to my car keys. I pleaded with them, I begged, but

my pleas were met with a fist to the eye. It just kept coming, more fists to the face, multiple

yanks to the hair, and kicks to the stomach. I remember falling to my knees, but when the fists

stopped, the kicks started, and then I fell, my head hitting the concrete. I remember seeing the

blood, my blood. It was everywhere, dripping down my face, down the back of my head and they

still kept coming. I remember trying to feebly defend myself. I kicked out with my foot, bringing

one of the guys to the ground, but that just made them angrier. What I didn't see was the pocket

knife, didn't know it was there until I felt it go into my stomach, piercing my flesh. I remember

the agonizing pain, I remember losing consciousness, I remember them running away, I

remember it all. They fled as quick as they came, and left me to die. There was no remorse, no

guilty looks in the eyes that watched me as I was stabbed.

I remember waking up in a white, sterile, hospital room, my older sister sitting patiently

in the chair next to the bed. I remember screaming then, startling her awake and watching the

nurses sprint in trying to calm down my trembling self.

again, and again, and again. I don't want to walk past the park where occurred, I never go to class

anymore. I stay holed up in my dorm room because I refuse to trust anyone for fear that they will

physically hurt me too. Sometimes I find the strength to wonder if the guys that beat me attend

my college, but then the images come flooding through my brain and I start to panic. My sister's

tried to help me, but I think she's resorted to giving me my space to get better. I know I never

will get better, I have to take sleeping pills at night to sleep, and the nightmares get even worse.

I've recently learned that drinking helps stop the internal pain and the flashbacks. So I drink, and

drink, and drink until there's nothing left to drink and I feel numb. Emotionally, I'm unstable. I

lost everyone, my friends, my family all left me because I would lash out in panic when they

touched me. They don't understand, they never will because I'm the only one who deals with this

all the time. I don't even know what it is, I just know I'm afraid to walk past the park, I'm afraid

to be around people because I never know what someone could try and do to me. It's a

never-ending cycle of fear and anxiety every day and every night, and I don't think it will ever

end.

" Anna? Anna, can you hear me? Anna, get up... Anna?" My eyes shot open and I jumped

out of the bed, my heart racing. I was breathing hard as my eyes adjusted to the light.

" Anna, calm down. Anna, look at me, look at me. You're fine okay? Don't panic." I

heard my sister say, and I finally looked up at her. I looked around at my surroundings and

realized I was in her apartment. I must have called her while I was drunk, and she must have

brought me to her apartment. I glanced at the clock next to me and saw that it was 5 o'clock at

night.
 " Do you want some coffee and Advil?" She asked, looking at me with concern. I shook

my head, not trusting my ability to speak just yet.

" Okay, well come and have some breakfast. Well, technically it isn't breakfast it's dinner

but I still made pancakes anyways." She spoke, leading me slowly to the kitchen as if to say I

didn't have a choice. As we walked downstairs I slowly started to become more comfortable and

observe her home. I hadn't been here in awhile, not for about three months. It seemed different as

if the place had changed in that time. I wonder if she had changed as well.

" Here you go." She said smiling cautiously as if she wasn't sure if I would break with the

smallest gesture.

" Thank you," I spoke quietly not looking at her. I could feel her eyes staring at me as I

ate, I heard her take a deep breath as though she was preparing herself for whatever was going to

come next.

" Look, Anna, I think you need to see someone. You've been traumatized for four months

and nothing seems to be getting better, it all just seems to be getting worse. I've been researching

different places and people that are professionals, and I found a couple good doctors. I think

they'll really help you if you just give it a shot."

" No." I said in a monotone voice, not meeting her eyes.

" No? What do you mean no?" She said incredulously.

" I mean I don't want to go see a therapist," I spoke finally looking up at her.

" Anna, I don't really know if you have a choice at this point. You're not getting any

better

and it's been four months." She said firmly, and I could tell she was getting irritated.
 " I don't see a problem I'm fine Olivia," I said once again looking back down at my plate.

" You're not fine Anna! You still have nightmares, you're still afraid to go to that park or

anything that reminds you of it for that matter! You get drunk most nights to forget what

happened to you and it just keeps getting worse Anna you are not fine!" She angrily yelled at me.

" You can't force me to do anything!" I yelled back, my stubbornness getting the best of

me.

" No you're right I can't," she said softly, " What if we make a deal? You go to the doctor

that I choose for four sessions. If nothing's getting better than you can stop going, simple as that.

How does that sound?"

" I'll do it." I said thinking about it for a moment, " But if it doesn't work you never

bother me about this again understood?"

" Deal." She said shaking my hand. I'll call you when I have your first appointment set up

and give you all the information then."

" Okay." I said getting up from my spot at the kitchen and taking my dish to the sink.

" Oh, and Anna? Give it a chance okay?" She said. I froze at the kitchen sink for a

second, not knowing what to say.

" I'll try," I finally spoke, ending the conversation and walking up the stairs. When I got

up to her room I grabbed the clothes I previously wore and slowly but robotically put them on. I

didn't bother to look at myself in the mirror and I walked back downstairs to find my sister

seated in the living room on her laptop.

" I'm leaving now." I told her walking towards the door.
 " Okay, sounds good. Remember I'll call you at around 9 tonight about the session okay?"

She said not looking up from her computer screen. I nodded and walked out of the apartment, not

looking back at her.

As I walked out I pulled up the hood of my sweatshirt to hide from the outside world. I

didn't want to be noticed and I never would. I sped my way to my apartment, making sure that no

one was following me or going to jump me. I even had a knife and pepper spray with me at all

times in order to make sure I was prepared. I was being paranoid, yes, but ever since that day I

never ever wanted it to happen again. Once I arrived home and locked my apartment door I

collapsed on my couch and let out a huge sigh of relief turning on the tv. I was fine, I was safe,

there was nothing to be afraid of, nothing would hurt me.

Those were lies. Lies that I tried to tell myself in order to feel better, but it only made me

feel worse because I knew the truth. I knew I had everything to be afraid of, and that anyone

could hurt me at any given moment. No one else understood that though, they all thought that I

was being dramatic and that it's been four months so I should be over it already. Well everyone

except for my sister. She's the only one who thinks there might actually be something wrong, and

she's the only one who cares enough to try and do something about it. Maybe I'll actually try and

talk to the therapist, even though talking about the situation gives me anxiety. I was brought out

of my thoughts when my phone began to ring.

" Hello?" I spoke dazedly into the phone.

" Hey Anna, I scheduled your appointment. It's tomorrow so rest up because tomorrow is

going to be intense for you." she paused, " In the most constructive way possible of course."

" Yeah. Okay sounds good. " I said absentmindedly.

" Sure Olivia I'll get some sleep." I lied straight through my teeth. " Bye now."

" Bye Olivia I love you! " She said, but I hung up and didn't respond. It was as if I

couldn't bring myself to feel emotions like love anymore. In fact, I couldn't really feel any

emotions at all.

I got up from my couch and slowly walked towards my room. When I arrived I started stripping

off my clothes and got in the shower. I stood in there for a little while before finally exiting. I

was passing my mirror when I looked up and saw my reflection. I looked dead. It was as if the

old me didn't exist anymore. I looked at my body and I saw the scar, the big scar on my stomach

where the knife had pierced me. I didn't like seeing it, I wish it wasn't there because all it does is

remind me of the incident and how weak I was. I looked away, not wanting to slip into another

flashback, and I began dressing once again. Once I was done I went back to the bathroom and

reached for my sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet. I took one out of the container and gulped

it down, pretty soon it'd kick in, and I would fall into a deep nightmare filled sleep. I know the

drill, I know what's to come.

I made my way towards my bed and got under the covers, I could already feel my eyes

beginning to get droopy. As I laid there I tried not to think about the incident, but it made things

worse, and soon I fell into a deep slumber the entire time dreaming over and over again about

what had happened.

The next morning I shot up out of bed, I was covered in sweat and shaking. My breathing

was rapid as I walked towards my bathroom to shower and clean myself off. As I stepped in the

shower I began to calm down taking deep breaths and shutting my eyes. Pretty soon, I had
completely calmed, and I stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around my body and made

my way towards the bedroom, keeping my distance from the mirror of course. I pulled on a pair

of jeans, a tank top, and an oversized sweatshirt and walked to the kitchen to pour myself some

cereal. While I was washing my dish, my phone began to ring.

" Hello? " I asked not paying attention to the caller ID.

" Hey, remember today is the day of your first appointment with Dr. Andrews." A voice

spoke into the phone. I recognized it immediately as my sister.

" What time is it at? " I asked.

" It's in an hour so I'll come around to pick you up because it'll take too long for you to

walk. She said.

" Okay, see you soon. " I replied and hung up. I was sitting on my couch waiting for her

when the doorbell to my apartment rang. I went to open it and found my sister smiling largely. I

think she was more excited about this than I was. I just felt ashamed needing to talk someone

about the whole thing. It was almost as if I wasn't strong enough to handle it all on my own.

Lets go! We dont want to be late for your first session, she said enthusiastically.

Its too important. I shut the door quickly making sure it was locked and walked with her to the

car.

You buckled? She asked before starting the car. I nodded in response my nerves for

this session getting the best of me.

Im ready. I said staring straight ahead. She started the car and began to drive careful

to avoid passing the park in order to make sure it wouldnt trigger a flashback. I was grateful for

those actions. She seemed to really want to make sure that I wasnt having any problems.
 By the time we got to the facility it was around nine in the morning, which was the time

of my appointment so luckily we arrived right on time.

Do you need me to walk in with you? My sister asked.

No I think I can do it on my own. I replied taking a deep breath and exiting her SUV. I

shut the door and made my way to the entrance of the facility. My anxiety and nerves continued

to grow as I got closer and closer to the door. I reached up, my hand shaking, and opened the

door entering the waiting room. As my eyes adjusted I noticed it wasnt what I expected. This

Therapist's office was very colorful and laidback. I had expected it to be very plain, and more

like a hospital than anything else.

I have an appointment for today at nine, with Dr. Andrews. I said timidly to the lady

waiting at the front desk.

Sure sweetheart, its Anna right? She asked, Hell be out in a moment just sit right

there I nodded and sat down my hands still shaking immensely.

Anna? Anna Martin? I vaguely heard someone ask. I looked up and saw the therapist

standing in the opening of his office.

Thats me. I said nervously and got up from my seat in the waiting room.

Wonderful, come with me. He said and turned holding the door to the room open for

me.

I walked towards in and entered the room without meeting his eyes. I could hear the door

shut behind me as a took a seat in front of the desk. I was staring at the floor, refusing to look up

at him as he walked and sat behind the desk and gathered his paper.
 Okay Anna, Why dont you tell me a little about yourself and why you're here. He said

warmly.

I looked up finally, fidgeting in my seat, Well, my name is Anna Im 18 years old and a

freshman in college. I have one older sister, and Im here because she wanted me to come

because she thinks I need help.

And why is that? He asked intently, completely focused on what I was saying.

An incident happened about four months ago and I guess I still havent gotten over it. I

said shrugging nervously.

Interesting, He said, And why exactly havent you gotten over it?

Because Im still afraid. I replied not wanting to elaborate.

But why, what exactly happened? He pressed on.

I was beaten, stabbed, and left to die on the sidewalk. I said bluntly giving in to his

curiosity. He started at me for a moment, shocked at my bluntness.

What kind of symptoms have you been having? he asked changing the subject.

Nightmares? Flashbacks?

Both of those. Im afraid to walk past the place where I was attacked, and the only

person I talk to is my sister and thats only because she makes sure that I still keep in contact

with her. I replied.

How about trust issues? Are you experiencing difficulty trusting anyone since you were

stabbed and beaten. he asked writing stuff down on his clipboard.

stabbed and beaten as if it was no big deal. Unfortunately, him saying that just made it all the

more real.

Anna? Can you answer my question please? he questioned softly.

What? Oh yeah um maybe. Ive closed myself off from my family and friends since it

happened. I said snapping out of my daze. I get really anxious walking down the sidewalks

and being around strangers as well.

So far Anna from what Im hearing of your symptoms and your situation it sounds like

you have PTSD, he said.

Whats PTSD? I questioned curiously.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. he answered, Its when someone experiences

something shocking or traumatic enough to where they can become emotionally numb because

of it. Often in these cases, what ends up happening is people who have PTSD experience

persistent thoughts or memories of the whole ordeal. Usually we diagnose patients with PTSD

when theyve continually experienced these symptoms for longer than three months. he

explained. So tell me, Anna, how long have you been having these nightmares and

flashbacks?

Ive been having them since the incident so for about four months. I calculated.

Well, that solidifies my diagnosis then. He replied, In order for you to get better

Anna I need you to explain to me every detail of the beating and how it made you feel.

Otherwise I wont be able to help you get better.

I took a deep breath and let it out shakily, Okay Ill do it. I said cooperatively.
 Go ahead when youre ready. he said patiently.

I breathed in deeply and let it out once again, before proceeding to tell him my story. It

was liberating finally talking about it to someone. All he did was listen, never once chimed in,

never once interrupted me while I explained what happened and how I felt. As liberating as it

was, it was still painful reliving the whole thing once again. I cried a lot, because of relief and

because it felt as though I had all this pent up sadness and fear, and finally talking about it just

made it all the more real. I told him how I felt weak, and how I was ashamed that I couldnt

defend myself. By the end of the whole thing I was sobbing and shaking immensely and he sat

there quietly letting me cry. When I finally was able to compose myself he finally spoke up.

It seems as though youve been holding this in for a long time. I think in order to help

you move past this well need to have a couple more sessions, and Im going to prescribe you

some medication for a little while in order to help you reduce the symptoms.

Okay. I said shakily still trying to fully calm down.

The medication is called Zoloft, its hopefully going to reduce your symptoms allowing

you to relieve some of the stress from your symptoms. he explained. I would encourage you to

write in a journal as well. It might help you to express some of the things you seem to be unable

to say out loud. I also want you to bring that notebook to every session and read it to me. Facing

the trauma rather than avoiding it will really help you let go of what happened and finally come

to turns with it.

Okay. Ill do that. I replied.

Wonderful, Ill be looking forward to seeing you again at our appointment next week

then Anna. he said kindly showing to the door.

Yes I took the liberty of scheduling an appointment for you as soon as possible. I felt

attacking the problem now is better than letting you continue to deal with it throughout the

years. he replied.

Oh wow, okay. I replied shocked at how soon I would see him again, Well thank you

for all of this.

No problem Anna Im just doing what needs to be done in order to help you get better.

he replied smiling at me.

I nodded and walked out the door then, feeling a little lighter. As I exited the facility and

walked towards my sister's car I could feel a little bit of hope, maybe things were going to start

to look up for me.

Epilogue

Five sessions and a couple months of prescribed medication, I was feeling my normal self

once again. Of course there were some times where I would remember what had happened but it

was as bad as it used to be. I was able to connect with my parents again, and my sister and I were

closer than ever. I was even able to walk past the park every day on my way to college, It was as

if everything was going back to normal for me once again. Because of Dr. Andrews, I realized

that there was nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I was strong and brave because of what I went

through, and he influenced me to want to help others dealing with what I was dealing with. I

learned that PTSD isnt a bad thing, it just means that the people who are dealing with it have

gone through something traumatic and just need a little extra help getting through it. Now I walk
the streets, with my hood down, and my head up, feeling more like my previous confident self

day by day. I have never, felt much better.