(CONFESSIONALS)

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
‘Sup, name’s Seymour Zefferbee. I guess I
was the big sports guy before my 150-pound
dog decided to tackle me onto the pave-
ment. (holds up three broken fingers) I
mean, I love that dog, but it’s like he
doesn’t understand me when I yell “no,
stop, don’t run me over”. (chuckles to
self, mutters “stupid dog”.) Since I
couldn’t do sports, I decided to flex my
vocal chords and try out for a show. Best
decision of my life. I mean, I am sur-
rounded by chicks now.

MADISON PRETENSE
I’m Madison Pretense, and I looove acting.
I think my first experience was when I was
seven years old, when I was a munchkin in
the elementary school performance of the
Wizard of Oz. The only problem was, when-
ever it was my turn to do the little
munchkin dance, my exuberance got the best
of me and... (flails arms about and then
giggles) MADNESS! ...That was around the
time I was diagnosed with ADHD. Unrelated,
of course.

PENELOPE BONATURE
Hey, I’m Penelope Bonature, and I love
love love dancing and acting. I mean, I
know singing is supposed to go along with
the dancing and the acting, but for some
reason it just doesn’t work for me! (nerv-
ous giggle) I think it all started back
when my best friend backstabbed me and
stole my boyfriend away from me. My boy-
friend was totally going to propose to me
really soon too, and my BFF totally knew
that, but she went ahead and seduced him
with her feminine wiles anyway! Anyway,
that made me cry for like, a week, and it
was totally horrendous, and it screwed up
my vocal chords. So long story short, I’ve
had a really bad singing voice since that
happened in the second grade.
 ROXANNE DELOUISE
I am Roxanne Delouise, and I am a living
actress. I never break character. I am
forever living my life in a state of com-
plete dramatic homeostasis. Many people
believe me to be a drama queen, but I pre-
fer to think of myself as the modern day
equivalent of Rosa Parks. I will not rise
from this bus seat of life for you to take
it and leave me in the back, cold, unat-
tached, and sitting upon the crusty gum
and grime.

SPENCER SHUNECK
I’m Spencer Shuneck, but I don’t really
like names since they impose a sense of
identity and meaning on a person. You
could call me an actress, but I only enjoy
work that I do for unknown, not-for-profit
shows. The exact terminology for what I am
is “neo-seclusion-actress”. In my spare
time, I also take strangely angled polar-
oids of myself, write pessimistic phrases
on them and then take another polaroid of
it. Then I post them on the internet.

AUTUMN MCHAVER
I am Autumn McHaver, I have been acting
since I was four years old, and I believe
the profession of acting as we know it is
being treated a complete joke these days.
Every sissy boy and cutesy girl with some
pipes thinks they’re going to be whisked
away to Broadway and become the next Kris-
ten Chenoweth, and they’re going to get
filthy rich and famous on the stage. News-
flash, kiddies, you’re all idiots! I’ve
been acting for over ten years and I
haven’t gotten my golden fairy ride to New
York yet! You’re all failures that will
never make it! If I haven’t been discov-
ered yet, then none of you should EVER be!
(pauses, calms down) I also enjoy garden-
ing.

LANCE TURNER
My name is Lance Turner, and I’ve been an
actor for a looong time. It’s been brought
 to my attention that an overwhelming ma-
jority of my *adoring* female followers
question my sexual orientation upon meet-
ing me. (in a high-pitched voice) “He’s
involved in theater? He’s cute? Too good
to be true! He must be a homosexual!” No,
my friends, I’d like to take this opportu-
nity to tell the world I am 100% attracted
to women. Not a gay thought in this head.
Unless you mean happy, because yes. I am
pleased with the quality of my life.
(pause) I mean, not too pleased!

IZZY FISH
I’m Isabel Fish, but everybody calls me
Izzy. I’m an actress, and I’m single. I
mean like, seriously, single and looking.
And there’s nothing about me that’s not to
like! I don’t smoke, so when we kiss, it
won’t be like licking an ashtray. I take
showers every other day. If you want a
sandwich, I’ll make you a sandwich. I
won’t care if you forget our anniversa-
ries. I don’t have an overprotective fa-
ther who will beat you with a lead pipe if
you rear end his car when you’re driving
me home and you lean in to kiss me goodbye
and accidentally hit the gas pedal! Seri-
ously!

MILES BACK
My name is Miles Back... and I, uh, I like
to act, when there’s not an overwhelming
amount of people in the audience. I’m also
pretty good at Chemistry. I can balance
redox reactions really fast. ...But, uhm,
that’s not cool. Wait, I can play guitar!
That’s cool, right? I uh, oh God, I messed
this up so bad. I’m sorry. Can we start
this over? I am so awkward.

(FADES TO BLACK.)

MADISON PRETENSE (CONFESSIONAL)

So my little cousin, Petra, from Tallahas-
see is turning ten in a few days, and we
don’t have the money to fly down for the
 party since my mom blows all of our extra
money on cigarettes and broken dreams.

(CUT to theater kids sitting around, looking bored.)

MADISON PRETENSE
I mean, I’d buy her that new Justin Bieber
doll that goes through puberty, but it
wouldn’t get to her house in time for her
birthday. Besides, I don’t know if her mom
would appreciate it.

IZZY FISH
(excitedly) They make those?

SPENCER SHUNECK
Why don’t you do something that you can
send to her online?

MILES BACK
Yeah, like make a video of yourself and
then email it to her.

(everyone agrees)

MADISON PRETENSE
But that’s awkward.

AUTUMN MCHAVER
Well, you’re awkward.

MADISON PRETENSE (CONFESSIONAL)

In the end, I decided to involve everyone
to make it less awkward. We decided to
sing and dance to Petra’s favorite song.

AUTUMN MCHAVER (CONFESSIONAL)

When you’re involved in theater, you must
put your all into everything. It doesn’t
matter if you’re performing in a video for
a bunch of ten-year-olds or in a concert
for elderly deaf and blind women with no
toes. You do it all with energy.

(cuts to practice)

ROXANNE DELOUISE
Okay, let’s take it from the top. (touches
head dramatically)
(everyone gets into places)

TIK TOK PLAYS.

SPENCER SHUNECK
Wake up in the morning

Feeling like P. Diddy

ROXANNE DELOUISE
Got my glasses

I’m out the door

I’m gonna hit this city

AUTUMN MCHAVER
Before I leave

Brush my teeth

With a bottle of Jack- woah, woah, wait,

isn’t this a little inappropriate for a
ten year old?

(everyone makes noises in agreement)

SPENCER SHUNECK
Does she even know what a bottle of Jack
is?

MADISON PRETENSE (CONFESSIONAL)

We had a little trouble at first...

PENELOPE BONATURE
(HORRIBLY OFF-KEY) Don’t stop, make it
hot--!

(everyone reacts immediately, shushing her.)

(CUT to Lance, dancing opposite of everyone. CUT to everyone argu-

ing. CUT to everyone lying around on couches, on the floor, et cet-
era, looking exhausted/exasperated.)

MADISON PRETENSE
It’s obvious that we need to make a few
changes.

AUTUMN MCHAVER
 Oh, let’s face it. We need someone to make
up for pretty boy’s (points to Lance)
crappy dancing and squeaky’s (points to
Penelope) crappy singing.

LANCE & PENELOPE

Hey!

LANCE TURNER (CONFESSIONAL)

Some people were criticizing my dancing. I
mean, I’ll admit, sometimes my footing is
off... or I forget the choreography... or
I don’t remember the combinations... or I
get a little distracted...

PENELOPE BONATURE (CONFESSIONAL)

I’ll be the first to say that I’m not the
best singer. I mean, seriously... (sings a
few off-key “la”s.) See what I mean...?
Unfortunately, Lance has a problem admit-
ting he SUCKS at dancing.

AUTUMN MCHAVER
Well, I could ask my friend to help us
out. She could dance Lance’s part and sing
Penelope’s.

(everyone reacts very excitedly, suddenly filled with new energy.)

SPENCER SHUNECK (CONFESSIONAL)

One thing I’ve learned from hanging with
theater people, besides the fact that all
theater boys are either gay or teetering
dangerously on it, is that new people ex-
cite us like Call of Duty excites scrawny
teenage boys with acne and no social
lives.

(CUT to Autumn and Rosaline talking.)

ROSALINE LUNSON
So I finally get to meet your elusive
theater friends?

AUTUMN MCHAVER
Yeah, of course! Why do you sound so
shocked?

ROSALINE LUNSON
 Well, you keep telling me that I couldn’t
meet them because I “wouldn’t like them”
because they’re “too crazy”.

AUTUMN MCHAVER
After giving it some thought, I reasoned
that your brand of crazy might fit right
in with theirs.

ROSALINE LUNSON
(a bit offended) What exactly are you say-
ing?

ROSALINE LUNSON (CONFESSIONAL)

My name is Rosaline Lunson, and Autumn and
I have been friends for too long. I mean,
a long time. She’s been hanging with her
“theater friends” a lot lately, which is
alright I guess, I’ve just been itching to
meet them for a while. I guess this is a
good thing that I’m finally getting my
chance, but I’m just worried that I’ll
come off as a psycho to them just because
I don’t know how to do jazz hands or some-
thing. (does jazz hands as she talks)

(CUT to the following day)

AUTUMN MCHAVER
(entering) Hey washups. (everyone greets
her.) Rosaline should be here any minute.

(everyone fixes their hair, clothes, etc)

ROXANNE DELOUISE
In what key should we greet her?

AUTUMN MCHAVER
The usual. (knock on the door) Places,
guys!

(ROSALINE opens the door to everyone standing in a row. They sing

“hello”.)

ROSALINE LUNSON
I... uh... am I at the wrong house?

AUTUMN MCHAVER
 (jumps out of line, nervously laughs) Oh,
Rosaline, you jokester, come in you, you,
you... (trails off, pulls Rosaline inside)

MILES BACK
(nervously approaches Rosaline) Hi, uh,
Rosaline, my name is Miles Back... like,
Miles got-your-Back! Haha!

ROSALINE LUNSON
Hi, Miles, I’m--

ROXANNE DELOUISE
(pushing Miles out of the way) I am Rox-
anne Delouise. Charmed to make your...
(extends hand) acquaintance.

ROSALINE LUNSON
Uh, hi, Roxanne, I’m--

LANCE TURNER
Okay, guys, stop crowding her... (leads
Rosaline away from everyone else) Hey. I’m
Lance, and I’m heterosexual.

ROSALINE LUNSON
Uh, good for you?

ROSALINE LUNSON (CONFESSIONAL)

So, by the looks of it, I’m the least psy-
cho person here, and that’s saying some-
thing. Like, my mom ran off to join the
carnies when I was two. (shakes fist) DARN
YOU BEARDED WOMAN...!

(SCENE: practice space.)

AUTUMN MCHAVER
So you remember Lance, right?

ROSALINE LUNSON
The one who said he was heterosexual?

AUTUMN MCHAVER
Yeah, him. You’re gonna be dancing his
parts and singing Penelope’s.

PENELOPE BONATURE
 HEY! (voice cracks) I mean... (lowers
voice) hey.

ROSALINE LUNSON
Well, why can’t she sing for herself?

PENELOPE BONATURE
You want me to show her?

(everyone: NONONONONONO etc.)

ROSALINE LUNSON
Oooh kay, sure.

AUTUMN MCHAVER
Okay, let’s start practicing. I’ve got a
few ideas for choreography, do you guys
mind?

(everyone: no.)

AUTUMN MCHAVER
I’ll stand right in the center, and
Lance... you can stand right next to me.
Everyone else... go in the back. And I’m
thinking about changing the song to Bad
Romance. Or something more romantic.

IZZY FISH
Uhm, I think it’s time for a water break?

AUTUMN MCHAVER
No, it’s time to PRACTICE!

MILES BACK
Actually, I could go for some water right
now.

(AUTUMN gives him the death glare. ROSALINE walks in to get water,
everyone follows (except for AUTUMN). She stops, everyone stops. She
looks worried.)

AUTUMN MCHAVER (CONFESSIONAL)

I can’t believe Rosaline. She is stealing
my peeps. Metaphorically speaking, I was
the “head cheerleader” of this “squad” and
then the “new girl” barges in and becomes
the “leader”. (to herself) Wait, why would
boys be on a cheerleading squad? Unless
 they’re gay... (stares into space. Realiz-
ing the camera is still on...) ...Can I
erase? Start over? Please? (camera shakes
no)

(ROSALINE looks for a cup. Sees labeled cups, none of which have her
name on it.)

ROSALINE LUNSON
Uh... where can I get a cup?

MADISON PRETENSE
You didn’t bring your own?

ROSALINE LUNSON
I didn’t get the memo.

AUTUMN MCHAVER
(snarky) We all bring our own cups here.

SPENCER SHUNECK (CONFESSIONAL)

Us theater kids have a system. You either
follow the system or... (awkwardly takes
of glasses, cleans them.) ...you’re
screwed.

MILES BACK
(gets cup and sharpie) I’ll make your cup
for you. How do you spell your name?

ROSALINE LUNSON
R...O...S...

(ROSALINE spells out her name, MILES writes it looking really ex-
cited. MILES hands her the cup, and their hands touch. They stay
there for a while until IZZY breaks through.)

IZZY FISH
OOOOKAY! Let’s get back to practice!
(pulls Rosaline aside.) I have to be hon-
est with you. I’ve dated Miles, like, five
times, and I’m in still in love with him.

FLASHBACK!
IZZY FISH
Hi.

MILES BACK
Uh.. hi.
 IZZY FISH
(stands awkwardly) Good first date!

MILES BACK
Uh, what? We weren’t on a date...

IZZY FISH
I said, uh, good first CATE!

MILES BACK
Cate? What?

IZZY FISH
Plate! I said good PLATE!

MILES BACK
What? That makes no more sense than the
last one!

IZZY FISH
Creep on you later! I mean facebook stalk
you later! No! I mean! BYE!

END FLASHBACK

IZZY FISH
Deeply. Deeply in love with him.

IZZY FISH (CONFESSIONAL)

So that was kind of a lie. I actually just
want to make sure that Miles is available
just in case he ever wants to ask me out,
because at this point, like Joseph and his
amazing technicolor dreamcoat, any boy
will do. Well, he said dream, but for me,
a boy is a dream.

ROSALINE LUNSON
Oh okay, uh, that’s, nice... I’m... I’m
gonna get my cup now. (looks at cup in
hand) I mean, my other cup.

IZZY FISH
You only have one cup...

ROSALINE LUNSON
(walks away to sink)
 MADISON PRETENSE (CONFESSIONAL)
After convincing Autumn to go back to my
original plan for Petra’s video, (shows
Autumn arguing violently with Madison) we
resumed practice.

(PENELOPE is instructing ROSALINE on where to stand. Suddenly, ROX-

ANNE breaks them apart and begins shaking PENELOPE.)

ROXANNE DELOUISE
OH, TERROR! OH, HORROR!

PENELOPE BONATURE
Roxy! Roxy! Calm the fudgebuddie bars
down! What’s your problem?!

ROXANNE DELOUISE
I HAVE FORGOTTEN THE NEW GIRL’S NAME!

PENELOPE BONATURE
Roxy... she’s standing right there. You
should probably just ask her.

ROXANNE DELOUISE
But I do not know her name.

PENELOPE BONATURE
...okay, you’re not understanding the con-
cept of asking her--

ROXANNE DELOUISE
(abruptly) WHAT IS HER NAME?

PENELOPE BONATURE
(obviously disturbed) IT’S ROSALINE!

ROXANNE DELOUISE
Oh, thank you my sweet child! Now I must
rest due to emotional fatigue. (walks a
few steps, then drops to the ground)

(ROSALINE stares blankly at ROXANNE.)

PENELOPE BONATURE
She does that a lot. It’s normal. (giggles
nervously... awkward silence.) Uh, I’m
just gonna, uh, help her up... yeah.
(walks away)
 SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
(walks up from behind Rosaline) Hey.

ROSALINE LUNSON
(startled) Woah! Uh, hi!

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
I’m Seymour. You’re Rosaline, right?
Rosaline is like, a totally wack name. Is
it Czechoslavian or something?

ROSALINE LUNSON
You mean, Czechoslovakian?

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
Nah, I’m pretty sure it’s Czechoslavian. I
have a cousin from there. His name’s Nico.
All they eat is like, ground up beans. I
think they call it “humorous.”

ROSALINE LUNSON
I think your cousin is Greek.

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
No, man, if he were from Greece, he’d wear
one of those caps that are like, surgi-
cally implanted into the skull. And he’d
have a big nose like Barbara Streisand.

ROSALINE LUNSON
Now you’re stereotyping Jewish people.

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
Yeah, you’re right, I am. (pauses.) What
am I doing?

SPENCER SHUNECK
(drags Seymour away) Oookay, that’s
enough, big fella.

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
Spencer, she said I was stereotyping!

SPENCER SHUNECK
Seymour, do you even know what that means?

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
I... (opens his mouth like he’s about to
say something, closes it, and repeats this
 a few times before inching away slowly &
awkwardly.)

SPENCER SHUNECK
(turns to Rosaline) Hi, we haven’t for-
mally met. I’m Spencer.

ROSALINE LUNSON
Isn’t Spencer a boy’s name?

SPENCER SHUNECK
Sure, if you’re a close-minded tradition-
alist who adheres to the standards of
early 20th century society.

ROSALINE LUNSON
So it’s not just a boy’s name?

SPENCER SHUNECK
(very slowly removes glasses, cleans them
without removing her gaze from Rosaline,
then pauses.) No. (walks away)

SPENCER SHUNECK (CONFESSIONAL)

I feel a sense of emotional detachment to-
ward this decade. It’s probably because of
my past life. According to a birthmark on
my inner thigh, I have deduced that in my
last life, I was a rebellious teen of the
‘70’s. Or so my friends on tumblr tell me.

(LATER ON. Everyone walks into the living room and sits in various
places.)

MADISON PRETENSE
Well, that was a... a great practice...
(forces a really cheesy smile)

AUTUMN MCHAVER
Yeah, if “great” means awkward.

MADISON PRETENSE
No, I meant... great. (same cheesy smile)

ROSALINE LUNSON
No, she’s right. It was awkward because I
was here. I’m sorry for making you all
feel uncomfortable.
 MADISON PRETENSE
We weren’t uncomfortable, right guys?

(awkward silence.)

AUTUMN MCHAVER
Well, that wasn’t an uncomfortable silence
at all.

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
Actually, I did feel the teeeeeeniest
smidgen uncomfortable... (he’s elbowed in
the gut by the person nearest to him.)

ROSALINE LUNSON
You guys can be honest with me. What’s on
your minds right now?

(There’s a lengthy pause, and then all of a sudden, an EXPLOSION of

energy. Everyone is shouting their thoughts at the same time.)

LANCE TURNER
Rosaline thinks I’m gay, she TOTALLY
thinks I’m gay! I’m not! I’m STRAIGHT,
okay? And I’ll prove it! (turns to Pe-
nelope) Wanna make out?

PENELOPE BONATURE
WHAT?!

ROXANNE DELOUISE
10 MEASURES OF REST, EVERYONE! (everyone
stops talking.) Now we’re all going to say
our thoughts one at a time-- oh, Jesus
Christ Superstar! (CUT to Lance and Pe-
nelope (fake, obviously) making out. They
look up abruptly and awkwardly inch away
from each other.) Now, I have a way to
keep this organized.

(CUT to ROSALINE holding some strange object.)

ROXANNE DELOUISE
This is the talking stick. If you don’t
have the talking stick, then you are si-
lent, or may Stephen Schwartz strike you
down. (everyone does the sign of the
cross.) You may speak, Rosaline.
 ROSALINE LUNSON
(staring at the talking stick) Well, uh, I
guess I feel weird because you guys all
seem to have problems with me. I’m sorry
for intruding and everything, and I’m
sorry you guys hate me--

AUTUMN MCHAVER
(steals the talking stick from Rosaline.
Pretends to be crying.) That was a beauti-
ful speech. (Rosaline mutters “I wasn’t
finished” off-camera.) I feel like I need
to come clean now... Earlier, when every-
one was obsessed with you, I plotted your
death. And I’m sorry.

ROSALINE LUNSON
What?

IZZY FISH
(takes talking stick from Autumn) I don’t
hate you at all! I just hate the fact that
your hair is like a luscious cloud of hap-
piness.

SPENCER SHUNECK
(takes talking stick from Izzy) I don’t
hate you, either. In fact, I admire your
gumption to stick to traditional gender
themes even though the rest of America is
working towards gender equality.

MILES BACK
(takes talking stick from Spencer) I love
you. I mean, I don’t hate you either.

AUTUMN MCHAVER
(takes stick from Miles) SHUT UP, MILES.
(forces it into Seymour’s hands)

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
Uhh... I really don’t have anything to say
right now... go football!?

ROXANNE DELOUISE
(rips talking stick out of Miles’ hands) I
think what it comes down to is the fact
that we were all so concerned with im-
 pressing you that it interfered with our
ability to actually interact with you cor-
rectly.

(everyone voices their agreement/nods.)

ROSALINE LUNSON
(Roxanne hands her the talking stick.)
Guys, seriously, I don’t care what you’re
like. Honestly, look at me. The motherless
daughter of a carny, my dad hates me be-
cause of my pillow hair, (Penelope strok-
ing from behind) stop it! You’re gonna
make it angry. I mean, you could all throw
pens at me right now and I wouldn’t care!
(cut to people picking up pens) NO! NO! I
mean throw your shoes at me-- I MEAN, NO!
THAT EXPENSIVE GLASS LAMP THAT COULD KILL
ME-- NO! YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU COULD THROW
ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. AT ME. AND I’D STILL
LIKE YOU. OKAY? NOTHING. JUST NOTHING.
JUST PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN. (puts the talk-
ing stick on the floor.)

AUTUMN MCHAVER
...Uh, yeeeah, seriously guys, chill out.

ROXANNE DELOUISE
Excuse me, Autumn, do you have the talking
stick?

AUTUMN MCHAVER
No, but neither do you!

ROXANNE DELOUISE
That is a true statement, however, I am
the mediator of this farce, and as media-
tor, I have explicit permission to talk as
I please.

LANCE TURNER
That’s not very fair.

ROXANNE DELOUISE
I feel you have the right to know that I’m
resisting making an enraged comment right
now--
 LANCE TURNER
Say it to my face, betch!

PENELOPE BONATURE
Let’s just calm. Down. Guys.

AUTUMN MCHAVER
Oh no, you locked lips with Lance, you
have no say in this!

LANCE TURNER
Is that a personal attack?

(everyone else gets up and begins to argue. ROSALINE is sitting on

the couch, stricken with fear.)

ROSALINE LUNSON (CONFESSIONAL)

After the epic fight ended, everyone was
friends again, just like that. (CUT to
theater kids sitting around, talking,
laughing and smiling.) I thought it was
pretty funny how that could happen, but
then I remembered that theater kids come
from a different planet. And really, I
don’t mind it a bit. They all have strange
personalities: (as each kid is mentioned,
there’s a close-up of them as they inter-
act with each other.) Spencer’s too hip-
ster to function and Seymour’s dumber than
my brother who failed the first grade
three times. Penelope’s a bit creepy,
Madison’s a spaz, and Lance overcompen-
sates like woah. Izzy’s a little boy crazy
and Roxanne’s a total character. Autumn
is... still Autumn, unfortunately. But you
know what? Everyone’s individuality is
what makes them interesting. I can tell
life is never going to be the same.

(FADES TO BLACK.)

(SCENE: a stage/cleared off place where the dance routine will take
place. Everyone is standing in a line in back. Madison is closest to
the camera.)

MADISON PRETENSE
Is it recording?
 LANCE TURNER
(holding a camera.) Yeah!

MADISON PRETENSE
(very excitedly, spazzing out a bit.)
Okay! Hi Petra! HAPPY TENTH BIRTHDAY! My
friends and I put this together for you, I
hope you like it! Give kisses to Aunt Lucy
and Uncle Bob for me! Muah! Muah! Muah!
Muah! Muah!

SEYMOUR ZEFFERBEE
(walking up to Madison. He taps her on the
shoulder. She abruptly starts.) Maddie.
Let’s just do this.

MADISON PRETENSE
Oh, right. (she and Seymour go to their
places.)

(Everyone performs TIK TOK. At the end, they all scream “HAPPY
BIRTHDAY PETRA!”)

END PILOT EPISODE.