1
TEASER. INT. SHOP DAY
WE ARE IN THE TITULAR SHOP. THERE IS A COUNTER IN THE
CENTRE OF THE SET, A BACK DOOR NEXT TO IT, AND A
FRONT DOOR LEADING TO THE STREET. PLENTY OF GLOOMY
SHELVES ELSEWHERE COVERED WITH ALL SORTS OF
MYSTERIOUS ARCANE ARTEFACTS .
GARETH IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. HE IS STANDING
LOOKING AT SHELVES OF STUFFED GOATS HEADS AND
GARISH SCARLET DIE CAST PENTAGRAMS SET UP BEHIND THE
COUNTER. HE LIFTS A PINK FLUFFY FAUX-FEATHER DUSTER
FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND STARTS BREEZILY
DUSTING THEM. HE WEARS A BROWN COAT OF THE SORT
LAST WORN BY SHOPKEEPERS IN ABOUT 1963. HES PLUMP
AND FRIENDLY LOOKING, ALTHOUGH WITH A CAREWORN
APPEARANCE. HE DEFINITELY DOESNT LOOK LIKE A MAN
WHO RUNS AN OCCULT EMPORIUM.
HE ANSWERS THE PHONE WHEN IT RINGS. HE HAS AN
UNEXCITING SOUTHERN ACCENT (THINK CANTERBURY OR
HERTFORD) DIFFERENTIATING HIM FROM EVERY OTHER
CHARACTER IN THE SHOW, WHO ARE PUREST YORKSHIRE.
GARETH:
Hello, In Leeds With The Devil, merchants of occult artefacts
and evil souvenirs. (BEAT) Yes, of course, sir, you can find us at
12 Ruddles Street, Batley. (BEAT) Yes, I know Batley isnt
actually Leeds. (BEAT) Yes, but I didnt know it then. (BEAT)
Well, wed printed the letterheads. (BEAT) No, why dont you
shove the shop up your stupid southern arse? (BEAT) It
wouldnt fit up mine either! It was your idea! (BEAT, CALM)
Yes, we do open Sundays, sir. (BEAT) Fine, goodbye. (HANGS
UP. SHOUTS) Alice! We should stop opening Sundays, it puts
off Satanists!
CUT TO CREDITS, THEN TO:
2
SCENE 1. INT. SHOP - DAY
CLOSE UP ON PERRYS CORPSE-PAINTED FACE, PULL BACK
DURING THE SPEECH TO SHOW GARETH BEHIND THE DESK,
LOOKING BORED.
PERRY HAS LONG HAIR AND WEARS A BILLOWY BLACK
CLOAK. HES CERTAINLY GONE FOR A STRONG LOOK BUT,
CRUCIALLY, HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE SCARY.
PERRY:
(PORTENTOUS) And then, in the centre of that chamber, the walls
lined with ancient volumes, the twisted cleric grasped the gilded,
ceremonial dagger, and thrust it into the still beating heart of the
mansions patriarch! But, no, turned out it was Miss Scarlet with the
rope in the kitchen. (BEAT) And thats the end of my anecdote.
GARETH:
Perry, let me explain: how you lost at Cluedo on Friday does not
count as an anecdote.
PERRY:
Thats where youre wrong. I didnt strictly lose, because there was
no one else playing.
GARETH:
How do you play Cluedo on your own?
PERRY:
Mostly I hide in the secret passage until midnight, then sneak out
and poke at the wainscoting. Its a slow game. So, first of all, I start
at seven oclock, and sit still. Then, at eight-
GARETH:
I get the idea.
ENTER ALICE FROM BACK DOOR. SHES DRESSED IN A
POWER SUIT, IS ABOUT 30, AND VERY BRISK, HOLDING AN
iPAD SHE SWIPES DECISIVELY AS SHE SPEAKS.
3
ALICE:
OK, gather round, team, TIM. (BEAT) Time is money. (BEAT,
DEFENSIVE) Initials are quicker.
GARETH:
Alice, Im not convinced one person can gather round.
ALICE:
There are two of you.
GARETH:
Perry doesnt count, he doesnt work here.
ALICE:
Really? Whys he always here, then?
PERRY:
(PROUD) Im your best customer!
GARETH:
Im pretty sure that would involve a purchase, Perry.
PERRY:
Okey-doke, youre the boss.
GARETH:
No, Im not the boss, thats my point.
ALICE:
Quite right. Im the boss.
GARETH:
No! I am the boss. I didnt mean Im not the boss. You, Alice, are the
financial advisor; although Im yet to work out what that actually
entails.
PERRY:
You tell her, boss!
EVIL STARES FROM BOTH GARETH AND ALICE.
4
I think Im just going to go and browse silently over here.
PERRY RETREATS TO ONE OF THE SHELVES.
ALICE:
It entails flexing some actual business muscle, not just moping in a shop.
GARETH:
I dont mope!
ALICE:
What do you do, then?
GARETH:
Id more call it, err....
ALICE:
Spit it out! TIM, time is money.
GARETH:
Im crafting our business strategy.
ALICE:
You wouldnt know a business deal if it hit you on the arse. Look at this place: no
shop floor strategy, shoddy merchandise out front.
ALICE PICKS UP WHAT LOOKS LIKE AN OLD SCHOOLMASTERS CANE AND
SWISHES IT.
Look at this? You shouldnt put the kinky sex products at the front, youll attract the
wrong people.
GARETH:
Thats not a kinky cane, its pan-demonic dowser.
HE TAKES IT FROM HER
ALICE:
I think I know an S&M toy when I see one.
5
GARETH:
Ha! You wouldnt know an S&M toy if it hit you on the...well, thats not one.
ALICE:
What it is, Gareth, is junk. Get some new stock, and just maybe youll be one tenth
as good a business person as me.
GARETH:
Poppytosh! I bet you I can do a better business deal than you before
the days out, and still mope in I mean, mind the shop.
ALICE:
And I bet you cant.
GARETH:
Then its a bet.
ALICE:
Well, yes. Evidently.
GARETH:
Care to make it...interesting?
ALICE:
I already think its interesting, because the bet is about business, and Im good at
business. See, youre already losing.
GARETH:
Ooh, I could give you such a...dowsing.
BRANDISHING THE SUSPICIOUSLY CANE-LIKE OBJECT
ALICE:
Be quiet now. I wish to introduce my scheme, Trust Incentive
Management. TIM. We need to ensure the employees are
supported, so I have drafted this maternity policy.
ALICE DUMPS A SUBSTANTIAL WODGE OF PAPER ON THE
COUNTER.
6
GARETH:
Maternity policy? Weve only been open a week. We havent even
unpacked all the owls feet. And, as has just been established, we
dont have any employees.
ALICE:
And when we do, we should support them, which is why I propose
extended maternity leave.
GARETH:
Fine. Whatever, policy accepted.
HE SCRIBBLES A SIGNATURE AND DUMPS IT ON THE CORNER
OF THE COUNTER
ALICE:
Great. Oh, and on another topic, Im going to have a baby. Bye.
EXIT ALICE BY BACK DOOR.
GARETH:
That is mercenary.
PERRY:
TIM? (BEAT OF STONY SILENCE) Silently browsing it is.
CUT TO:
7
SCENE 2. INT. SHOP - DAY
PERRY:
So I place my counter there, and once an hour, it gets moved on.
And thats how I play homeless Monopoly. [BEAT] What are you
doing?
GARETH IS SWEATING, LUGGING A PILE OF STOCK IN HIS
ARMS TOWARDS A SHELF.
GARETH:
Ive been lugging this stuff about for an hour, and youve only just
noticed?
PERRY:
Sorry, I was lost in my anecdote. I can live in them for hours. So,
whats going on?
GARETH:
Ive got some new stock as Alice challenged me to earlier. Im going
to win this bet.
PERRY:
Awesomeness! So, wheres the new stock?
GARETH:
There isnt actually any. Its an old trick, Ive moved around all the
old stock so that it looks new. Its just the same stuff, but Ive put it
in a slightly different order.
PERRY:
Like writing a Star Wars film? I get it.
PICKING UP DEMONIC TRINKET FROM THE NEAREST SHELF.
Oh, wow! This is amazing. How much is it?
GARETH:
The Asmodeus nail clippers? 3.99.
8
PERRY:
That is superb value. They are brilliant. I wish I had some.
THERE IS A PAUSE, THEN PERRY PUTS THEM BACK DOWN,
AND WANDERS TO ANOTHER SHELF.
GARETH:
So...youre not going to buy them, then?
PERRY:
Oh, no. I was just making conversation. My nan says its polite. Hmm, looks as
though youve got more things than youve got space to put them.
GARETH:
Why does that always happen?
PERRY:
Youll have to buy some new shelves.
GARETH:
Perry, were a new business, and the budget is tight. The last thing I shall be
spending money on is new shelves.
ENTER MARTHA THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. SHE IS
ABOUT 25, AND DRESSED IN A HODGE-PODGE OF MILITARY
CLOTHES FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES/ERAS BUT NOT
SILLY. WELL, A TINY BIT SILLY, MAYBE, BUT SHE CARRIES IT
OFF.
MARTHA:
Morning, sergeant. Oh, doing the old Star Wars shuffle, eh? Good
attack plan, sir! I did this just last week: moved the camouflage
balaclavas so theyre in between the camouflage longjohns and the
camouflage tents. Theyre not selling, though.
GARETH:
Why dont you move them back?
9
MARTHA:
I cant find them. Anyhow, different battle for a different campaign.
Came round to say we got your post again. You really need to sort
out your shop sign, nobody can read it.
MARTHA THROWS A COUPLE OF LETTERS ON THE COUNTER
GARETH:
Alice says black writing will attract Satanists.
MARTHA:
But its on a black background.
GARETH:
Alice says thats branding.
MARTHA:
Im surprised Alice has time to say anything, shes never here.
GARETH:
Now, fairs fair, shes out buying a spreadsheet. Theres an Excel
market behind TK Maxxs, apparently.
MARTHA:
Gareth, one retailer to another, bit of advice: change that bloody sign
PDQ, otherwise youll never sell anything and soon the shop will go
tits up and itll all be Charlie Foxtrot, over and out.
AS SHE TURNS TO GO PERRY, CLEARLY LOVESTRUCK, CHIMES IN
PERRY:
Oh, hi, Martha. You still wearing military clothes? You still working
in the military shop next door? You still like...the military?
MARTHA:
Thats right, Perry. And you still think forces personnel are
rectilinear hate badgers ?
PERRY:
Yeah. Do you want to chat about it?
10
MARTHA:
Nope, think were done. Gareth, Im off back to HQ, chocks away.
EXIT MARTHA BY FRONT DOOR
PERRY:
Oh, Gareth, why doesnt she like me?
GARETH:
I suspect its to do with your calling her father a sticky death tool of
the doom cock echelons.
PERRY:
I stand by that.
GARETH:
Yes, but it really disrupted his eulogy.
ENTER ALICE FROM FRONT DOOR, HOLDING A STUFFED
HERON. SHE BUSTLES THROUGH TO THE BACK DOOR. A
SECOND LATER SHE COMES OUT AGAIN, HOLDING A FONDUE
SET.
GARETH:
Alice! Can I have a word.
ALICE:
No time, Gareth. Maybe later, yeah? I have a business
brelevensunch thats like brunch but it includes elevenses as well,
to maximise efficiency. TIM, TTFN.
GARETH:
Wait...err...WID!
ALICE:
(INTERESTED DESPITE HERSELF) Go on, whats that one?
GARETH:
Whens it due?
11
ALICE:
Whens what due? I mean, WWD?
GARETH:
Your baby, of course!
ALICE:
Oh, Ill schedule it, leave it to me.
GARETH:
Hang on, are you not pregnant, then?
ALICE:
No, but I have decided to have a baby soon. Ive found my pesky
maternal instincts are clouding my business judgement, so I thought:
have the baby, and I wont have the instincts.
GARETH:
But you will have the baby.
ALICE:
Yes.
GARETH:
Im not sure youve fully thought this through.
PERRY:
I think its good. Every woman should have babies.
ALICE:
Thank you, Perry.
PERRY:
Yeah, because when you have a baby, you start rebelling against the
political status quo, you know?
ALICE:
Do you?
12
PERRY:
Oh, yeah, new mothers are all about breaking down the western
hegemony. Its practically the rules, theyre told to dismantle the
political infrastructure.
GARETH:
Perry, that is definitely not true.
PERRY:
Oh, yeah? Then how come when my cousin was pregnant she went
to those Anti-NATO classes?
ALICE SEIZES THE MOMENT TO ESCAPE BY THE FRONT DOOR.
ALICE:
Bye!
GARETH:
No, wait, Alice, I oh, look! Now shes gone (TURNING HIS
ATTENTION TO AN OLD DESKTOP PC ON THE COUNTER) and my
website has timed out again!
PERRY:
What are you doing, Gareth?
GARETH:
Business, Perry, business. Im investing in some new stock, to win the bet.
PERRY LOOKS BLANK.
The bet from this morning.
PERRY LOOKS BLANK.
That I could do a better business deal.
PERRY LOOKS BLANK.
Than Alice. Remember?
PERRY:
Oh, yeah! Of course! just one question: which ones Alice, again?
13
CUT TO:
14
SCENE 3. INT. SHOP - DAY
PERRY:
Gareth, whats a haunted number?
GARETH:
What?
PERRY:
Is it where you divide a negative by a prime? Or is that a backward
digit?
GARETH:
What are you trying to calculate, Perry?
PERRY:
What percentage of my annual income I have spent in the shop.
GARETH:
Its zero.
PERRY:
Right. So, does my annual income include the birthday money my
nan gave me?
GARETH:
Zero is zero percent of everything. Youve spent zero
pounds here; do feel free to rectify that whenever you want. What
are you filling in, anyway?
PERRY:
Its your new customer satisfaction questionnaire. Sohow
do I find out what my grandparents died of?
GARETH:
Give me that!
GARETH SNATCHES THE DOCUMENT. ENTER ALICE FROM
THE BACK DOOR, HOLDING AN ELEPHANTS LEG UMBRELLA
STAND (REPLETE WITH OLD-SCHOOL BLACK UMBRELLAS).
15
GARETH:
Alice! What on earth is this?
ALICE:
Oh, the new survey. It measures customer satisfaction.
GARETH:
No, it doesnt.
ALICE:
Well, alright, mostly it measures how suitable our customers are to
father the infant Ive tabled for next fiscal year.
GARETH:
That would explain the question, How wide is your head?
ALICE:
Its all good demographic data.
GARETH:
It is not, and it is cancelled, from this moment. Youll have to find
another way to weigh up potential sperm contractors.
ALICE:
Humph!
SFX: COMPUTER ALERT PING.
GARETH:
(LOOKING AT PC) Oho! Bid against me, would you? Alice, witness
your lesson in entrepreneur...ian...ism. In my role as business
overlord Im about to buy something on eBay that will make us a lot
of money.
ALICE:
Bidding? So, youve already forgotten that farcical auction error
where you blew your entire redundancy pay?
GARETH:
I admit, that was a mix-up. It got us the stock for this shop, though.
16
ALICE:
This pointless shop that will never turn a profit.
GARETH:
But, you told me to open it! You told me, sell the weird auction stuff
in a shop in Leeds!
PERRY:
Battleys not actually Leeds. (BEAT OF THE USUAL EVIL
STARES) I know, I know, silently browsing.
ALICE:
Gareth, I dont expect you to understand how a financial advisor
works.
GARETH:
That was your financial advice! That was literally your advice
about finance.
ALICE:
No. My original advice was: whoops, you shouldnt have bought all
that.
GARETH:
And now Im buying this. Youll be laughing on the other side of your
portfolio when I snaffle the last Veltrax!
PERRY:
Whats that?
GARETH:
Its an esoteric treasure ofsome sort.
ALICE:
Of what sort?
GARETH:
WellI dont know, otherwise it wouldnt be esoteric. But
apparently its a collectors item, worth a fortune.
17
ALICE:
Well see. Right, Im off to the gym to crunch my fallopian tubes,
gotta get in baby shape!
EXIT ALICE BY FRONT DOOR. A MOMENT LATER SHE RE-
ENTERS, AND PUTS THE ELEPHANT FOOT ON THE COUNTER.
Actually, I dont know why I picked this up. Put it away, would you,
Gareth. And do unpack those owls feet.
CUT TO:
18
SCENE 4. INT. SHOP DAY
PERRY:
I rubbed out all the faces, and painted over all the names. Its to
show how you can live below the radar, outside of big data.
GARETH:
But it does sound like it would adversely affect a game of Guess Who.
PERRY:
When you play on your own its actually about the same. Soul-
squeezingly miserable.
ENTER ALICE FROM BACK DOOR.
ALICE:
Ah, Gareth, I need you to mind the shop this afternoon, Im going
out.
GARETH:
I always mind the shop. You have never minded the shop.
ALICE:
Then, you wont miss me. I have an appointment with my other
business.
GARETH:
What other business?
ALICE:
My feng shui consultancy. Im a seventh dan dojo decorator.
GARETH:
Ah, thats where you charge people fifty quid, then take their stuff
claiming it will balance the ley lines. Ive seen you sell it at the car
boot.
ALICE:
Everyones a winner.
19
GARETH:
Fine, go, but I want fifty percent of what you make during trading
hours. (TRIUMPHANT) Business.
ALICE:
Only if you drive to the car boot sale on Sunday. Double business.
My boots full of gardening gloves long story.
GARETH:
Did you buy loads of gardening gloves?
ALICE:
That is one strand of the story. Theres also a sub-plot where I eat
some Quavers.
ENTER MARTHA FROM FRONT DOOR, WITH 2 LARGE
DELIVERY BOXES ON A TROLLEY.
MARTHA:
Afternoon, troops. Another FUBAR episode vis a vis deliveries. I took
these for you, shall I dump them out the back?
GARETH & ALICE:
(SIMULTANEOUSLY) Yes, thats mine.
THEY EYE EACH OTHER SUSPICIOUSLY. PERRY IS STANDING 2
FEET FROM MARTHA, STARING LOVINGLY AT HER. SHE
TURNS AND SEES HIM. THERES A FEW SECONDS OF
STARING.
PERRY:
Oh, hi Martha. Didnt see you there. (PAUSE) So, could I come
round to your house?
MARTHA:
Why?
20
PERRY:
You see, I think I left something at your dads funeral. Anti-war
banners. And the effigy. Of your dad. The bit that didnt burn. So,
perhaps I could nip over and collect it, and then...maybe we could-
MARTHA:
I dont have it.
PERRY:
Fine. (PAUSE) Also, I threw my shoe at the vicar, where could I find
him?
CUT TO:
21
SCENE 4. INT. SHOP - DAY
GARETH HAS 2 CLUSTERS OF SQUAT BLACK CANDLES, LIT, ON
THE COUNTER. BOTH ARE HELD BY METAL BOWLS WHICH
HAVE RISING BACK SECTIONS: ONE IS THE SHAPE OF A BAT
IN FULL FLIGHT, THE OTHER THE CHARLIES ANGELS
SILHOUETTE.
GARETH:
Perry, which of these would you buy? If you were a proper
customer, I mean.
PERRY:
(MOUTH FULL) Mmm mff mf hmmm.
GARETH:
Pardon me?
PERRY:
(SWALLOW) I tried Alices feng shui trick on my nan. I told her shed
be happier without biscuits in her cupboard, and I got the biscuits!
Yay! Although, she actually only buys those fig rolls for me. And she
probably wont any more. Oh. What was the question?
GARETH:
Which of these would you buy?
PERRY:
Which ones cheaper?
GARETH:
Theyre both the same!
PERRY:
Well, knock 20% off and I might consider it. I only buy cheap things
Im an anti-capitalist.
SFX: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
22
GARETH:
What the hells that noise?
SFX: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
PERRY:
Its Ragnarok! Yay!
GARETH:
Im no Norse warrior, but Im pretty sure Ragnarok isnt supposed to
happen in our back room.
SFX: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
THE BACK DOOR OPENS AND WE SEE A FIGURE IN A 1900s
DIVING SUIT: BRASS, VAST BOOTS, HUGE ROUND HEADPIECE
WITH GLASS GRILL, TUBE COMING OFF THE TOP, THE WHOLE
THING. THE FIGURE OPENS THE GRILLED WINDOW AND WE
SEE ITS ALICE, LOOKING A BIT DWARFED BY THE
ENCUMBRANCE.
ALICE:
What do we reckon?
GARETH:
That youve been feng shui-ing Jules Verne?
ALICE:
No! How does my scuba gear look? Pretty sexy, yeah? Got this
wetsuit delivered earlier.
GARETH:
Alice, thats not a wetsuit.
ALICE:
Obviously not yet - Im not in the water.
GARETH:
But, when are you planning on scuba diving?
23
ALICE:
When Im on my maternity leave, of course! All that time off, Ive got
loads of stuff lined up, its going to be ace. Ill also get some serious
business in: TIM, trimester is money. Speaking of my excellence, I
did some unbeatably great business today. I was on all these dating
sites when I was looking for a paternal merger: (SHE REALLY
PRONOUNCES THE R, EG TIND-ARR) Tindr, Love Findr, Grindr bit of
an error on that one.
PERRY:
Im totally going to join Grindr. I assume its a dating site for
grindcore fans. Can you get it on a Spectrum?
ALICE:
Sure, Perry. So, anyway, I thought, cut to the chase, CTTC, TIM, so I
invented Donr: a site for baby speculators to buy and sell sperm.
GARETH:
Thats the stupidest idea ever
ALICE:
Says you. I already sold it - to Donald, from the market.
GARETH:
Donald? Who sells fragmented cream crackers?
ALICE:
And loose After Eights, yes. He paid me four grand for the rights. I spent two
thousand on this awesome scuba suit.
GARETH:
But hes mental!
ALICE:
Yes. Yes he is. I also got some broken Twiglets, and his telly.
GARETH:
So, hang on, this was when you were doing his feng shui?
ALICE:
Yep. Business queen!
24
GARETH:
We agreed I get 50% of your profits.
ALICE:
No, wait, thats not what I said.
PERRY:
It actually is actually what you said.
GARETH:
Thank you, Perry! Have a Charlies Angel altarpiece.
BLOWING OUT THE CANDLES AND PASSING SAID ITEM TO
PERRY.
PERRY:
Free! Thats even more than 20% off! Down with capitalism!
GARETH:
And that equals you giving me the other two thousand pounds for
nothing, all without my leaving the shop, which I think youll find
means I win the bet.
PERRY:
Actually, what you actually said is that youd do your deal on that
actual day, so youve not won. Actually.
GARETH SNATCHES BACK THE ALTARPIECE, MIFFED.
ALICE:
OK, OK, a draw. At least thats two thousand in the shops kitty.
GARETH:
Yeah. About that. Its just, my delivery cost pretty much two
thousand pounds too.
ALICE:
Oh! The last Veltrax! Where is it?
25
GARETH POINTS TOWARDS A WHITE SHELVING UNIT
GARETH:
There.
ALICE:
On those shelves?
PERRY:
The item must be notably diminutive.
GARETH:
No, you see....it is the shelves. It, sort of, turns out that Veltrax was,
kind of, a, sort of, discontinued IKEA unit. And this is the last one.
PERRY:
Look, heres a space for a laserdisc player.
GARETH:
Apparently theyre sought after by collectors.
ALICE:
Well, fine, well sell it to another...furniture freak.
GARETH:
Ah. Yes, but it also turns out, theyre worth nothing out of the flat
pack. Unbag the dowling and youll barely get a tenner. I now know
this. But, you know, we broke even, so...
ALICE:
Gareth, what are we going to do with a worthless expensive shelving
unit?
PERRY:
We could play giant Domino Rally!
GARETH:
Perry, that cost me two thousand pounds, were not playing Domino
Rally. Plus all the other shelves are in use.
26
PERRY:
Thats fine for how I play. I play Domino Ralley henge. Thats where
we set them all up, then sit underneath them compiling theories on
what they might mean.
ALICE:
They mean that this man is a business moron who just blew the two thousand
pounds he lucked into on worthless junk; I mean, more worthless junk. Anyway, Im
not going to revel in my victory, Im taking a long weekend, want to get in some
scuba practice on the south coast.
PERRY HAS HIS HAND UP, GRUNTING A TINY BIT LIKE LITTLE
KIDS DO WHEN THEY WANT TO SAY SOMETHING IN CLASS.
ALICE:
Perry, you dont have to put your hand up if you have something to
say.
PERRY:
Oh, thanks.
ALICE:
Because youre not allowed to talk in our managerial meetings.
PERRY:
Yeah, fine, but I was just wondering, is it OK to scuba when youre
pregnant? Wont the baby get the bends? Baby bends. Curves.
ALICE:
Ah, yes, Ive revised my procreation plan. Ive done a cost analysis,
babies are a terrible investment.
GARETH:
So, no time for diving, then.
ALICE:
Oh, no. Im still taking the maternity leave. The policy states that
potential pregnancies should be treated as effectively real. In fact I
should also have some compassionate leave: I just lost a baby!
27
GARETH:
Balder rot!
ALICE:
You signed the policy, Gareth, its all there in black and white.
GARETH:
Just one copy of a contract, Alice? Left near a naked flame?
GARETH PICKS A FEW PIECES OF PAPER FROM THE POLICY,
WHICH IS STILL ON THE COUNTER, AND HOLDS IT ABOVE THE
CANDLES SO IT BURNS.
Sounds like the actions of a business moron.
HE TRIUMPHANTLY HOLDS THE PAPERS ALOFT. THEY BURN DOWN TO HIS
FINGERS, AND HE LETS GO, WITH A LITTLE YELP. A BURNING SMUT FLOATS
ACORSS THE ROOM, AND LANDS ON THE VELTRAX, WHICH GOES UP IN
FLAMES IMMEDIATELY.
PERRY:
Gosh, that went up quick.
GARETH:
Yes. Thats the main reason they stopped making them. Ah, well, so we broke even.
Weve had worse weeks.
ALICE:
Yes. Also, youre forgetting, we got this awesome scuba outfit.
GARETH:
Ah, yes, Ive been meaning to point out, thats not for scuba diving.
ALICE:
Shall I sell it again?
GARETH:
Also, as it appears to be melting, Id say its made out of plastic, and is no way worth
two thousand pounds.
28
ALICE:
What are we like, eh? Lets always remember this moment when instead of working
together, we argued, and lost everything wed gained. Its a lesson.
LONG PAUSE, WITH ONLY THE SOUND OF THE BURNING BOOKCASE.
PERRY:
You really should put that out.
GARETH:
Yeah, fair enough.
ALICE:
Im actually being quite badly burnt.
END OF EPISODE
