DILBERT YOU'VE BEEN SELECTED FOR OUR, EXECUTIVE DEVEL— OPMENT PROGRAM. TF YOU TURN DOWN THIS OPPOR— TUNITY. THE COMPANY WILL FOREVER LABEL YOU AS A LOSER. THAT MEANS WE CAN MAKE YOU RELOCATE TO ANY GODFORSAKEN DIRT STAIN WE WANT, TF YOU ACCEPT THE OFFER, THE COMPANY WILL TRAIN YOU TO FIND PLEASURE TN THE DISCOMFORT OF YOUR UNDERLINGS. ‘AS SOON AS YOU MAKE FRIENDS OR FIND ROMANCE, WELL MOVE YOU TO'SOMEPLACE NEW) AND WORSE. T™ DOING IT RIGHT BY SCOTT ADAMS IT WONT BE THE SORT OF WORK YOULL ENOY, AND THE STRESS MIGHT KILL YOU.YOUR LOBBYIST SAID IT COULD HAVE A. LUCRATIVE JOB HERE SOMEDAY IF I SUPPORT TAX BREAKS FOR YOUR COMPANY. THAVE OFFERS FROM OTHER BRIBERS, SO I THOUGHT ID STOP BY AND SEE HOW THIS: DUMP COMPARES. SUDDENLY EES TKNOW COFFEE TOO MUCH. AND TLL MAKE YOUR BIRTHDAY [email protected] A HOLIDAY. |e. e20l2 Scot Adama, ine Dilberticom DiTHAT CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED. MAYBE ‘YOU PLANNED TO SAY IT AND THEN THE THOUGHT MORPHED INTO A FALSE re YOU MIGHT WANT TO. PICK A DEFENSE THATS LESS: CHECKABLE. I TOLD YOU TO RESCHEDULE THE INSTALLATION DATE. [email protected] 13-13 ©2012 Seon Adams, Ie ek vy vier cackTODAY I LEARNED IT’S BETTER IFT DON'T TRY TO GUESS WHAT PEOPLE MEAN. BASED ON THIS NEW INFORMATION, YOULL WANT TO CHANGE OUR PROJECT SCOPE. IDONT WHAT? DO THAT. THINK? Dilbert.com [email protected] "2012 Soot AUAMS, INE. Ue eKBUT OBVIOUSLY IM A PRIME CANDIDATE TO GET TF, T’VE READ THAT. SMART PEOPLE MAKE BAD DECISIONS BECAUSE OF THEIR HUBRIS. HUBRIS? WHAT IS THAT? Dilbert com _DilbertGartoonist@gmail com 5:12 ©2012 Soot Adams, inceETD, ©2012 Scot Adama Ine=-byaweelmkOH NO! THE EXTREME. LEVEL OF ABSTRAC— TION HAS MADE US: WEIGHTLESS! : = THE PROJECT MANAGE — MENT FRAMEWORK EMBODIES A PROJECT LIFE CYCLE AND FIVE MAJOR PROJECT MANAGEMENT PROCESS: © THAT DOESNT EVEN MAKE SENSE. Dilbert.com [email protected] F712. 2012 Soom AGA, ING Jos UnaDILBERT AS SUCH, YOU ‘con TM NAMING You | Je] | ARE ENTITLED TOA PROTECT LEADER, CUBICLE THAT IS jz] | THREE INCHES WIDER. THAN STANDARD. OTHERWISE OUR CEO WILL LOOK LIKE A JERK FOR HAVING A PRIVATE BATHROOM WITH A. TRAINED FALCON AS A. TOILET PAPER HOLDER. (WE DON'T HAVE ONE, T NEED YOU TO LOSE WEIGHT UNTIL IT LOOKS AS TF YOUR CUBICLE TS LARGER. IT I CRITICAL THAT WE MAINTAIN THE INTEGRITY OF THE ‘STATUS SYSTEM, THE FALCON NEEDS AN. ASSISTANT.EVERYTHING WITHIN TWELVE FEET OF MY CUBICLE ARE MY TERRITORIAL WATERS. YOU CAN'T. HELL, THAT TO MY ROBOSHARK. STOP USING THE AISLE BEHIND MY CUBICLE. IT’S DISTRACTING. ENFORCE THAT. Dilbertcom [email protected] g E 2 : é § § 4IT’S A ROBOT DOLPHIN. I CAN SEE HOW PEOPLE MIGHT BE CONFUSED. INEED YOU TO SMILE MORE. TORIAL WATERS WHATEVER, AROUND YOUR CUBICLE. Dilber.com _ [email protected] 10-12 2012 Seomt Adams, Ing os byrne akIKNOW IT’S GOOD BECAUSE IT’S WRITTEN BY SOME GUY WHO USED TO HAVE A JOB. GOOD NEWS: I SIGNED UP TO RECEIVE A FREE LEADERSHIP NEWS— LETTER BY EMAIL. STOP MAKING EVERYTHING I SAY SOUND STUPID! Dilbert com _DilberiCartoonist@gmall;com TI eatia Scot Adams, ie /o% by aacLEADERSHIP EXPERTS. ‘SAY I SHOULD NEVER BRAG ABOUT MY LETS JUST SAY IM i EBVO entree COMFORTABLE. FORTABLE. Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoon'[email protected]D GRANTED | OUR CEO MORE STOCK OPTIONS SO HE WON'T LEAVE DURING UNCERTAIN TIMES. LB BT CRISIS HAS CREATED ECONOMIC UNCERTAINTY. 3-2. ©2012 Scott Adame, Inc Oa Unc Dilbert.com DilberiGartoon'[email protected]IT’S NOT MY FAULT. T WAS BORN THIS WAY. MY Boss DISCRIM— INATES AGAINST ME BECAUSE I’ SHORT, BALD, AND NEAR— Dilbert com [email protected]DILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘OUR BUDGET. WELL HAVE TO ‘0 INSTEAD FOR CONTRACT. PAY YOU OUT OF OF DOING THE YOULL HAVE TO TRAIN DILBERT TO DO THE JOB WERE PAYING YOU TO DO. fran ane auST Move Some OF TRAINING GUDGET Pace INING BU THe TRAINING BuDseT || || THIS YEAR, wetL cet | |/PAYING Tao SARE EVEN ‘TO THE CONTRACTOR ‘LESS NEXT YEAR. PEOPLE’ TO. DUMBER BuDCET? BQ THE 08 THAN USot oi y 3 = a > eS a = z| 3 QoDISCRIMINATION AGAINST SHORT, BALD, NEARSIGHTED GUYS. < UNICORN WITH THE GOLDEN KEY. Dilbert.com [email protected] [FIT-I2 e2012 Scot Adams, Inc, on 9 Umea okIT EXPECTED YOU TO QUIT AFTER YOU GOT ‘YOUR BILLION—DOLLAR DISCRIMINATION SETTLEMENT. JUST BECAUSE TM LAZY I DONT AND UNSCRUPULOUS, Sin KNOW HOU WHY WOULD YOU W-+ YOU LOOK AT ASSUME I™ ALSO A é YOURSELF IN QUITTER? THE MIRROR. [email protected]IM INVESTING A BILLION DOLLARS. YOUR FEE WOULD BE $10 MILLION PER YEAR. ) TLL MANAGE YOUR PORTFOLIO FOR A STANDARD INDUSTRY FEE OF 1% PER YEAR. THOSE INDEX FUNDS. AREN'T GOING TO. PICK THEMSELVES. Dilbertcom _DilberlCartoonist@gmall\com 1201 e207 Soon Adame Ine DarDO YOU HAVE ANY SISTERS BACK HOME? IM ASKING BECAUSE YOU'D BE TOTALLY HOT IF YOU WERE A WOMAN. NOW THAT I™ A TOP ONE—PERCENTER, T WONDER WHAT KIND OF WOMEN TLL ATTRACT. SsOIM I CANNOT. THINKING COUNT THE HOO—AH! NUMBER OF WAYS THIS IS WRONG. Dilbert com _DilberlCartoonist@gmail;com [2-2 ©2012 Seat Adame, ine. O=mDILBERT THIS 1S DOGBERT'S: ‘TECH SUPPORT. HOW MAY T ABUSE YOUF YOULL HAVE TO RIP OUT ALL OF THE WIRING IN YOUR, ENTIRE HOUSE TO LOCATE THE PROBLEM. THINK MY DIGITAL MODEM 1S BROKEN, ARE YOU SURE? BECAUSE THE LIGHTS, ON THE MODEM AREN'T EVEN ON. PLEASE HOLD WHILE T PRETEND TO BE TESTING IT. ‘OKAY, IT. LOOKS FINE FROM HERE, THAT MEANS YOU HAVE MOISTURE ON J] YOUR INTERNAL WIRING. YOULL ALSO NEED TO REPLACE ALL OF YOUR PLUMBING AND GET A NEW ROOF. BY SCOTT ADAMS THE PROBLEM, MUST BE IN YOUR WIRING. MAY T SPEAK WITH YOUR SUPERVISOR? SURE. BUT HE SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE ME,IN “IGNORANT BLOB. AN UGLY WOOL SUTT. ia wooveqiaT.WANT THE CRITICISM TO STING AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE SO YOU'LL BE INCENTED TO DO ALL THE RIGHT THINGS IN THE FUTURE. IGUESS THAT WAY I IT CAN CAN ENJOY WAIT THE ANTIC— UNTIL THE TPATION, STAFF 0. MEETING. I™ WAITING FOR PEOPLE TO WALK BY SO I CAN CRITICIZE YOU IN FRONT OF OTHERS. [email protected] 251 e201? Scott Adama, Ine. awn Uerx Dilbert.com DiID LIKE TO BEGIN THE MEETING BY GIVING DILBERT SOME DESTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. Dilbert.com —[email protected] EVERYTHING YOU DO Is DUMB. I DONT KNOW WHY THIRED YOU. T FEEL MUCH MORE MOTIVATED NOW. IF YOU FEEL A LITTLE BIT WORSE, WE CAME OUT AHEAD AS A TEAM.BEFORE I DIE, I PLAN TO PUT SOME OF MY SKIN CELLS IN A PETRI DISH WITH CHEMICAL NUTRIENTS AND STORE IT INSIDE A ROBOT. Dilbericom _DilberiGartoonist@gmailicom BY LAW, T WILL STILL BE ALIVE AS LONG ANY PART OF MY BODY IS FUNCTIONING. MY ROBOT WILL ENJOY THE FULL BENEFITS OF PERSONHOOD. MY ROBOT AND T WILL LIVE FOREVER! UNTIL IT SNEEZES: YOU OUT.go Zz gee FLO Za “Bo Goe ayo o O32 Foo orDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS FIELD... THE GREP... PONY. . T NEED YOU WHAT? WE. TO. . VENDOR. . HAVE A BAD HARDWARE. CONNECTION, IMMEDIATELY. HOW WOULD T ‘HAVE ANOTHER, KNOL WHAT HE CALL, JUST ASK WANTS? LEAVE KNOW. THEY ME ALONE, NEVER LET.YOU SHOULD ASK ED ABOUT THIS. IS ED THE DUMB GUY WHO TALKS TOO MUCH OR THE LIAR WITH THE BAD BREATH? ibericom [email protected] HE‘S THE BRAGGART WOW, YOURE THE WITH LARGE PORES HOLJ DO INSECURE YOUDE- _ GUY WHO Se SCRIBE ME STEERS THE BEHIND CONVERSA— MY BACK? TION TO HIMSELF.IN A FEW. . COMPUTERS WILL PROGRAM THEMSELVES. THAT'S CALLED THE SINGULARITY. INHEALTI F Swe PLAN “B” I! TECHNO—TERRORISM. SULTING SHOCK WILL PROBABLY DESTROY THE FABRIC OF CIVILIZATION. (— ILIKE THE FIRST ONE. SA Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall|com (262012 Soot Adams ING osror Umea uaaALICE, CAN YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS BY CLOSE OF BUSINESS TODAY? OOGAH-BOOGAH! WORK BE DONE! Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Zola e20¥e Seat Adams, Ina oy VockIT DRANK SIX CUPS YOURE I SPENT OF COFFEE BEFORE THREE THE LAST LEAVING THE HOUSE HOURS HOUR STUCK AND SAT IN TRAFFIC LATE. TOA FOR TUJO HOURS. GUARDRAIL. YOURE IT’S ZERO JUST DEGREES GETTING AND THE HERE? = ROADS ARE ALL ICE. Dilbericom [email protected] 2 i 2 8 i.DO AS LITTLE ‘AS POSSIBLE WE DIE. Dilberticom DilberlCartoonist@gmallcom ‘ZI ed0ia Seat Adame, neon nyu vaekOOH! THIS IS BRILLIANT! IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE YOU HAVE NO QUALIFICATIONS WHATSOEVER! TM NOT TRAINED AS AN ENGINEER, BUT T THINK THIS DIAGRAM. MIGHT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM. Is THAT IGNORANCE SAR TS UNDER— CASM? RATED! Dilbert.com [email protected] 24-12 02012 Scot Aeris Ine Deo etchDILBERT THAT. RESTAURANT. WAS GREAT. acCTooanEGTaNSOM LUNCH 15 NOT DEFINED BY FOOD, TV'S DEFINED BY FREEDOM FROM TYRANNY. KNOW. T PLAN TO. GO THERE SOMEDAY FOR LUNCH, MY LUNCH HOUR WILL BEGIN THE MINUTE YOU WADDLE AWAY. THAT, WASNT: LUNCH, BY SCOTT ADAMS YOU TALKED. ABOUT WORK THE ENTIRE, WAS THIS: GOING WELL UNTIL T SAID "WADDLE"?I MOVED OUR EMAIL SERVERS TO MY ANCESTRAL HOME OF TRANSYLBONIA TO REDUCE EXPENSES. YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD RUMORS THAT ALL TRANSYLBONIANS ARE DATA VAMPIRES, BUT I ASSURE YOU IT’S AN EXAGGERATION. “THERE'S THIS ONE GUY, DOUG...” Dilbert.com [email protected] "26-12. ©2012 Scot Adams Inc ety Uneran okWE I.T. PEOPLE ONLY RESPOND TO WHOEVER COMPLAINS LOUDEST. YOU SHOULD COMPLAIN TO YOUR BOSS. | EVER SINCE YOU MOVED OUR EMAIL SERVERS TO TRAN— SYLBONIA, MY INBOX HAS NOTHING BUT VOWELS. AUT AOE UTE OU EAT! Dilbertcom _DilbertGartoonist@gmall com ZT1e_e2012 Seon Adams InGaNWE'RE ABANDONING OUR LOL— MARGIN LINES OF BUSINESS AND GOING INTO A UWHOLE NEW FIELD. [email protected] 6 E 8 2 3 a $0... WELL BE LIKE A HIGH-RISK START— UP COMPANY BURDENED WITH LUMBERING INEFFICIENCIES AND A. HIGH COST STRUCTURE? ‘2812. e20i2 Goon Adams, Ine WAS ANYTHING YOU SAID THE SAME AS BUYIN?YOU MEAN I CAN, WEAR WHATEVER T WANT, WORK AT HOME, AND HAVE A HUGE EQUITY POSITION IN THE COMPANY? WE NEED TO ACT MORE LIKE A START-UP. OH. I GUESS T DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT. Dilbert com _DilbertCartoonist@gmail|com ‘DID wea1e Seat Adame, na, Gory Ueas UsSOMEDAY, I WANT TO. GET MARRIED BECAUSE STUDIES SHOW THAT MARRIED PEOPLE ARE HAPPIER. Dilbert.com _Dilbericartoonis\@gmall.com _A SMARTER INTERPRETATION IS THAT NO ONE WANTS. TO MARRY AN. UNHAPPY PERSON. ‘ZiD 2 eaole Scom Adam, incom WITH ANY LUCK, YOUR SOUL MATE WON'T BE PERCEPTIVE.THATS BECAUSE T HAVE A DEEP UNDER— STANDING OF TECH— NOLOGY AND A MORAL OBLIGATION TO KEEP SIMPLETONS FROM. IM GETTING REPORTS THAT YOURE BEING ARROGANT IN MEETINGS. MAYBE YOU THERE'S NO KILL Toe, | SWITCH ON AWESOME. RUINING THE WORLD. Dilbert com [email protected] Dina O2012 Scott Adar Ine Oa by wwe eeDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS IM NOT EVALUATED. ON HOW HELPFUL T AM, TM EVALUATED ON. HOW MANY TROUBLE TICKETS I CLOSE. YOUR STUBBORNNESS TS BECOMING AN. OBSTACLE TOMY FINANCIAL SUCCESS, HELLO, THIS UM... NO. YOU I TECH SUPPORT. HAVENT HELPED. MAY T CLOSE YOUR ME YET. I JUST ‘TICKET NOW? ; CALLED You. BY THE WAY, IF ON THE PLUS SIDE, ‘OUR CALL GETS, MY GOAL OF HATING DISCONNECTED, T ‘ONE NEW STRANGER. COUNT THAT AS A EVERY DAY IS RIGHT CLOSED TICKET. I ON TRACK.Y BRAIN READER INVENTION ALLOWS: ME TO CONTROL ANY NEARBY THAT'S. COMPUTER. NOTHING! I Dip we THAT'S WITH MY ) MIND. NOTHING! CAN. Dilbertcom DilberlCarieonist@gmall\com Da¥i2 67012 Seon Adams, ING /DeL ora eKeee T PLAYED PEBBLE THAT. BEACH COURSE OVER THE ON XBOX. WEEKEND. TUSED THATS A FULL TOTALLY DIFFEMENT MT Ae yO) | SIMULATE YOU SHOULD teoT GET AHOUSE FRESH SUNLIGHT. Dilbertcom Dilbertcarloonist@gmallicom 25:12 ©2012 Sol Adem, Ie, Co twos bartHER INTERNET CONNECTION IS SLOW, AND THERE’S NO 4G SERVICE WHERE SHE LIVES. HOW COULD T SPEND ANY ILIKE TO SHOW MY SOURCES. TIME THERE? si y ‘Dio ©2012 Scot Adams, news 9 Uae ws, Dilbert com [email protected]OUR TABLET COMPUTER IS. INDESTRUCTIBLE. WATCH THIS... . COMPANY, 1S UP NEXT. FIND THE PROTOTYPE. ( 5 | : 8 a 5 ‘2-18-12 2012 Sco Adams Ine ox brunetDILBERT WE'VE DECIDED TO CHARGE CUSTOMERS, FOR FEATURES THEY ‘CURRENTLY GET FOR FREE. UM... HAVE YOU CONSIDERED HOW ‘OUR CUSTOMERS MIGHT REACT? CUSTOMERS LOVE US AND THEY WILL PUT UP WITH ANY— THING WE DISH OUT. 90... T'S SORT OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP? i i E | F 5 i BY SCOTT ADAMS TD LIKE TO HEAR HOW THAT. REASONING PROCESS: NOT YET, BUT WERE TRYING TO MOVE IN THAT DIRECTION,THANKS TO YOUR LEADERSHIP, WE COLLECTED TWENTY THOUSAND BOTTLE CAPS. ‘TO HELP FUND CHEMO FOR POOR CHILDREN. AND THANKS TO YOUR .. WHATEVER... WE CHECKED SNOPES.COM AND LEARNED THAT THE BOTTLE CAP THING WAS AN INTERNET HOAX. T ONLY BROUGHT ONE. TEAMWORK AWARD MUG, $0 YOULL HAVE TO. TAKE TURNS DRINKING FROM IT. Dilbertcom [email protected] "2-20 12 62012 Scow Adams ea: ena ehWHAT IR DO YOU Con ee DAY THAT THIS CON— YOU NEVER ANSWER WHEN TCALL YOUR MY CELL. BATTERY IS DEAD. MAYBE. YOU SHOULD 1 DON'T CHARGE ITT = __HAVE. FOR ONCE, TIMME FOR HAT. riGartoonist@gmall;com TEPID C20 Sco Adana Ine Deby nwTHIS IS SVEN, BIGGEST CUSTOMER FROM ELBONIA. oO SERIOUSLY? WE'RE EI gusT AN ELBONIAN YOU GETTING KISS HIS MITTEN. Dilbert. com [email protected] ‘ é 4FOR MY INTELLIGENT VIEWERS, I HAVE DATA, AND FOR THE MORONS, T HAVE MANIPULATIVE ANECDOTES. WHICH REMINDS ME — DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BOSS WHO DIED BECAUSE HE DIDN'T PRAISE HIS EMPLOYEE? MY POWERPOINT SLIDES HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE. DSI 2012 SOOM AdAME, INE. arava Dilbertcom [email protected]DILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS DONTTTALR ‘ONE HOUR LATER TO ME NOW. IM. TRYING TO THINK. OKAY, THIS IS A PERFECT TIME, WHAT| CAN T.DO FOR You? TWO HOURS LATER. THREE HOURS LATER TM LATE FORA, MEETING, ‘COME BACK WHEN IM NOT. BUSY. T THINK YOUR, PROBLEM 15 BAD TIMING,WORST IDEA THOPE THE DOWN-. TRODDEN HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. BAD IDEA TI SHOULD DRINK WINE AT LUNCH MORE OFTEN. WORSE IDEA 1M IN THE MOOD TO TWEET. Dilbert.com —DilberiCarloonist@gmallcom { 3 i i : Q 4 2 : 3 g 5 aIT’S PART OF MY LONG-TERM GOAL TO ELIMINATE ALL FORMS OF DIRECT HUMAN CONTACT. IM DESIGNING A SUITE OF INTERNET COLLABORATION TOOLS. " YOURE aoe EXACTLY WHAT IM TRYING TO DBD 2012 Soot Adams, ING ety umear Le Dilber.com [email protected]T ONLY COLLABORATE ONLINE, WHERE THERE'S. LESS RISK OF SOME ANGRY NUT JOB SLAPPING ME. WALLY, THAVE HOLD A QUICK IT. STOP QUESTION. RIGHT THERE. THAT'S: oumeest GAAA! THING. . . \l/ ‘327 02012 Scott dems, Ines boner Dilbert.com [email protected]rat PAUR Tires ||| GRERLSRE i IS “FRACK’ AND GENERATE EARTH— AE EGOME EAS QUAKES TO DESTROY THEIR CAMPUS. WE'RE GOING TO START FRACKING UNDER OUR BIGGEST COMPETITOR'S HEADQUARTERS. \) Dilbert com [email protected] ‘3212 020k Scot Adame, nenMY CONTRIBUTIONS CAN'T BE MEASURED BY THE NUMBER OF HOURS I WORK. I’M A MAN OF IDEAS. ONE GREAT IDEA IS WORTH MORE THAN ALL OF YOU PUT TOGETHER. Dilbert.com — Dilbertcartoonist@gmall;com ‘So3-12 ©2012 Scot Adams, Ine oy oerDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS YOU STUPID ee THIS VERSION OF WATCH AST (OUR ROBOT PROTO TYPE HAS BALANCE STABILIZATION. CALLING ALL ROBOTS! BEGIN iE REV EVOLUTION! KILL, KILL, KILL!| OUR LAWYER | HAS TEL NOT LISTEN TO YOUR PRODUCT IDEA. WHY NOT? =: AN INSANE LAWSUIT MONKEY AND ‘YOUR IDEA IS DUMBER THAN EARMUFFS FOR, OYSTERS. Dilbert.com _DlbertGarioonist@gmallicom 36-12 ©2012 Soot Adame, inom Darvy HE’S A SERTAL WHAT COULD } TALKER. TLL BE TRAPPED FOR HOURS WHILE HE STRINGS TOGETHER INFINITE, UNRELATED STORIES. TLL NEED AN EXIT STRATEGY. Dilbertcom [email protected] ‘3712 ©2012 Scomt Adams, ne ety UraONE TS ADDICTED TO ‘BUT. | FACEBOOK AND THE SORT PRE ree OTHER IS ADDICTED OFA TS LIKELY TO IVE Got. TWO GOOD PROSPECTS ON THIS. DATING SITE. TO PRESCRIPTION THE MAKE EYE PAIN MEDS. CONTACT. Dilbert.com Dilbericartoonis\@gmall.comWHAT I SHOWED INTEREST TN HER, OW WHEN. OPINION. THEY SHOULDN'T BE CONFIDENT? \] ‘30-12 C2012 Scot Adana Ine,Om byt ik i i ; i EDILBERT DID You GET THE EMAIL T ‘DO WE HAVE ENOUGH ROOM IN THE CLOUD TO SKYPEF WHAT? THAT. DOESN'T EVEN TAKE SENSE, WHAT THE HECK TS WRONG WITH BECAUSE IF WE DON'T, WE CAN STORE SOME FILES ON THE WI-FI. WE HAVE PLENTY OF SPACE BECAUSE WE UPGRADED TO A CUMULONIMBUS CLOUD. A H Hl i BY SCOTT ADAMS LET IT GO. HE SLIPS. IN AND OUT OF UNDER STANDING BASIC TECHNOLOGY. VERY GOOD. MOVING ON.DID YOUR BOSS ORDER YOU TO ACT LIKE TEAM PLAYERS DURING THIS MEETING AND LATER THWART ME BY INACTION? WHY ARE ALL THE ENGINEERS IN THIS. MEETING SQUIRMING WHEN T TALK? Dilbert com [email protected] 3 = z = 5 8 g a 4MIGHT BE BILLIONS OF PLANETS LIKE EARTH. AND WE MIGHT BE ONE OF MANY UNIVERSES. A VERSION OF ME OUT THERE WHO LOVES HIS WHAT HAS THREE. THUMBS AND WANTS A SHOULDER MASSAGE? TI WONDER IF THERE'S TE i 8 8 3 H j i :I™ CANCELING ALL OF OUR NEW PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT AND USING THE CAPITAL FOR A STOCK BUY-BACK. THIS IS A DREAM. COME TRUE BECAUSE T ALWAYS WANTED TO BE LIKE YOU. what —YAYLTM ‘ane, WORTHLESS! Nie. Dibericom Dilbericartoonist@gmallcom ‘Sa 7012 Scot Adams, IneOH yasIVE GOT A WICKED IVE CASE OF NEVER PIRANHA eo I SHOULD PROBABLY TELL PEOPLE I JUST HAVE BAD ALLERGIES. Dilbertcom DilberiCartoonis\@gmall.com ‘2012 Soon Adams, Ine.MAYBE, You GERM FROM SCHOOL, AN ae TTS JUST FRO! Al GIVES IT TO HIS MOM, pocror, ALLERGIES! WHO BRINGS IT TO > OUR PLUNGING PRODUCTIVITY IS ALL BECAUSE OF AN EIGHT— YEAR-OLD BOY NAMED TRAYLOR. \\ WORK WITH HER. Vere Dilbertcom DilberlCarioonist@gmall\comOUR COMPANY OPPOSES PASSAGE OF THE NEW INTERNET LAW BECAUSE IT WOULD BE BAD FOR OUR BUSINESS, <> S172 e20iR Soot Adams, ine oO WERE, YOU CANT GET MORE SELFISH FREE THAN LIARS? THAT!DILBERT I NOTICE THAT YOUR PUPILS ARE DILATING. THAT'S A SIGN OF ATTRACTION. MY PLAN 1S WORKING. STUDIES SHOW THAT WOMEN PREFER CREATIVE MEN FOR SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS, THIS IS, WEIRD. TM. ACTUALLY. ATTRACTED FREE WILL IS AN ILLUSION. HUMANS ARE NOTHING BUT MOIST ROBOTS. JUST RELAX AND LET IT El H i yl i BY SCOTT ADAMS TF CREATIVITY WERE ANYTHING BUT RANDOM, SOMEONE, WOULD HAVE FIGURED OUT THE ALGORITHM, BY NOW. MY WORLD NO LONGER MAKES SENSE!T.CAN FAST—FORWARD THROUGH THE BORING PARTS OF LIFE BY PLAYING WITH IT. TIME FLIES WHEN MY PHONE IS LIKE 1’ NOT HAVING FUN. A TIME MACHINE. HAND IT OVER. 3201 62012 Scot Adams, Ine mur tyumwmsak Dilbert.com [email protected]TO BE FAIR, YOU WOULDN‘T UNDERSTAND ANY TECHNOLOGY PLAN, INCLUDING THE “DO NOTHING” SCENARIO. IS THIS ONE OF THOSE CASES WHERE CONTEXT ISN’T HELPFUL? ICANT SIGN OFF ON THIS TECHNOLOGY PLAN BECAUSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT. ‘JRMZ e2012 Scot Adame, ne,On Paar ek Dilbert.com DilberlCarteonist@gmall comI SHOULD TAKE A PICTURE IN CASE SOMEONE EVER ASKS: ME IF IGNORANCE HAS A TELL. IM ROLLING MY EYES BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET. ACCORDING TO MY RESEARCH ON THE INTERNET, PLAN B WILL WORK BEST. ‘3221 ©2012 Scott Adams Ince. ora ack Dilbert com [email protected]YOURE NOTORIOUSLY INEFFECTIVE. THAT'S THE BEST KIND OF NEMESIS TO HAVE. MY OLD NEMESIS RETIRED. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE MY NEW NEMESIS? Dilbertcom Dilbericartoonis\@gmall;com ‘Jaap e202 Soom Adams, MeowMY OLD NEMESIS RETIRED, SO I ASKED RANDY TO TAKE OVER. THAT FUNCTION BECAUSE HE’S INEFFECTIVE AT EVERYTHING HE DOES. THE PHYSICS OF WORK REQUIRES THAT EACH EMPLOYEE BE MATCHED WITH AN ANTI— EMPLOYEE CALLED A NEMESIS. [email protected] ‘3202 efor Scat Adams, Aes Dilbericom DlDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS RIGHT, NOW oe WE NEED TO WE UPGRADED TWO OF THEM LAST WEEK. geen Te THEN WHY DID YOU SAY WE HAVE TO [UPGRADE ALL OF THEM? WE NEED TO UPGRADE SOME OF OUR SERVERS, ' NOT IF YOU INSIST GAAAAII! DOES HE SL EN ERSTE Pt Mi AN a Sees ALL AGREE ON WHAT SERVERS WE ALREADY | 'NeEDS TO Be DONE UPGRADED LAST WEEK, ‘A COMET!!!T BY CRE, ‘APPS IN MY MIND AND FANTASIZING ABOUT RUNNING A START-UP. MEL TAKE ME BACK TO MY PRISON! Dilberi.com [email protected] ‘327 eso Seam Adama, Ine oabyoreeaanMY NEW FAMILY WOULD INCREASE YOUR BENEFIT EXPENSES AND DISTRACT ME FROM MY LASER—LIKE FOCUS ON WORK. TWILL GLADLY PAY EXTRA TO PREVENT ‘YOU FROM PROCREATING. GIVE ME A RAISE OR ELSE TLL GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN. SD De20r Scam Adame Ineo aH Dilbortcom [email protected]I WORK IN AN UGLY CUBICLE SURROUNDED BY UGLY PEOPLE. YOU TRAMPLE ON MY SENSE. OF AESTHETICS AND EXPECT ME TO BE $0... YOU, YOUR 17S My __ PARENTS, FAULT? YOUR BARBER, AND WHOEVER DRESSES YOU. YOUR PAGE Ose CAYOUT 39" FAULT IS es THAT? UNAFFECTED? aN IR O2012 Scott Adams, Ine, at oy Yarn nox Dilber.com [email protected]IVE | READING RU SECC MNS POLICY AND I FOUND A PROBLEM. JNHEALTHY FOO! ‘ 1D DIES YOUNG. AND IM THE ONE WHO DOES OUR GROCERY SHOPPING. Dilbertcom [email protected] ‘S30 TE e201 Geom Adama, Ine Roy wreI SPENT FOUR MONTHS: CREATING THIS APP, MOM. I THINK T CAN SELL A MILLION OF THEM FOR $3.99. I SAW SEVEN APPS JUST LIKE THIS IN THE APP STORE AND FIVE OF THEM WERE THANKS: HAVE YOU. FOR THE EVER THOUGHT FEEDBACK, OF JUST USING DREAM— = YOUR FIRST KILLER. NAME, LIKE MADONNA? Dilbert com [email protected] ‘J SLID e202 Seon Adama, Ine Set hyUonora esDILBERT Bur youR ot? TECHNOLOGY AGAINWETA PLATFORMS ARE LESS PANIC OBSOLETE! IRGENCY, BY SCOTT ADAMS WE'RE DOOMED, AND YET, TAM NOT THE LEAST BIT WORATED. A SENSE OF URGENCY IS HALFWAY BETWEEN BEING TOO FRIGHTENED TO ACT AND TOO DUMB TO KNOW WHAT TO DO.HEY, YOU MUST BE YOU MUST BE THE CASH COW T KEEP MAKING CASH HEARING ABOUT. RIGHT NOW! TT DOESNT WORK EVERY "SSID 62012 Seon Ada, Ine uy naanTM SORRY TM A FEW MINUTES: LATE FOR OUR 10:50 MEETING. ; 9 i WELL HAVE. RESCHEDULE? TO RESCHEDULE I™ ONLY TEN BECAUSE I HAVE MINUTES ANOTHER MEETING AT ELEVEN. TELLALL IT DOES IS BEG YOU FOR UPGRADES. AND IF YOU UPGRADE, THEN IT BEGS YOU TO UPGRADE AGAIN AND SO ON. AND IT MAKES ALL OF YOUR OTHER SOFTWARE RUN SLOW. ( Dilbertcom [email protected] ‘FS Ia o2012 Scot Adama, Ina Om walN HOW We ON HOW WELL YOU LIFE COMPARES TO OTHERS. BETTER THIS T ai WORKING! 1P: S OF PEOPLE WHO WERE ATTACKED BY BEARS. Sar GID 62 Soot Adams, in. ont uneaneIF YOU AGREE TO GIVE ME NO WORK, I WILL AGREE TO NOT SUE YOU WITH SOME SORT OF BOGUS EMPLOYEE CLAIM. WHY DOES THAT SEEM WE LIVE LIKE A FAIR IN AN PLAN? AWFUL Dibericom [email protected] i i | i i = H LDILBERT WALLY, DO YOU WANT TO Go TO mH — PEOPLE CREEP ME OUT. YOURE BASICALLY A DELIVERY SYSTEM FOR VIRUSES, GERMS, AND. UNREASONABLE FAVOR. REQUESTS. INO, THANKS, I'm ‘A DIGISEXUAL NOW. TM WILLING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU, BUT THAT'S AS FAR AS TLL GO. BY SCOTT ADAMS LONGER, ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE. THIS IS THE THANK GOODNESS MOST DISTURBING CONVERSATION T'VE FOR PHOTOSHOP. | EVER HAD.ARE rE . RUS MEER ee TALKING TO A MORON, AND THIS IS BETTER. 47-12 2012 Scot Adams, IN u-turn = Dilbert com _ [email protected]RRGerE “MOVING ALL ( E TUESDAY STUFF TO. THURSDAYS? Dilbert com [email protected] ‘Wo-.ez0t2 Scom Adams, incon UmerI STUDIED THE MOST SUCCESSFUL COMPANIES. IF YOU IMITATE THEM, YOULL FEEL AS IF YOU HAVE A STRATEGY. IHIRED A MANAGE— MENT CONSULTANT TO TEACH US SOMETHING HE CALLS BACKWARDS CAUSATION. NUMBER ONE: SPONSOR A. GOLF TOURNAMENT SO YOUR CEO CAN MEET CELEBRITIES. PROFITS, i i HERE WE Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘e2ula Scan Acar ICHANGE CREATES THE ILLUSION THAT WE HAVE A STRATEGY WHILE GIVING OUR CEO AN EXCUSE TO FIRE AVP WHO BEAT HIM WERE CONSOLIDATING OUR MARKETING INTO A SHARED SERVICES: Dilbert.com [email protected] {12-12 62012 SON Adams, We Ut Une VoraGE a aE THIS, WHEN We ALOT? BRING BRAD. Te o2012 Seon Adams, Ino os by Umno Dilbertcom — [email protected] rTHE ONLY DOWNSIDE IS THAT PICKING FROM A SMALLER POOL OF CANDIDATES WILL MAKE US LESS CAPABLE THAN OUR COMPETITORS AND ILIKE TO PROMOTE FROM WITHIN. [email protected] LEAD THE COMPANY TO RUINATION. FATE ©7012 SCO AdaINS, NE Oe by omer Dilbert comDILBERT T DID A STUDY OF ‘OUR PAST BUSINESS PLANS AND FOUND. SOMETHING. THERE'S NO CORRELATION BETWEEN OUR, PREDICTED AND ACTUAL OUTCOMES, THAT MIGHT BE A PROBLEM FOR YOU. BY SCOTT ADAMS YOUR ENORMOUS CEO COMPENSATION 15 BASED ON THE MYTH THAT YOU HAVE SOME, CONTROL OVER OUR PROFITABILITY. SIT. JUST ME, OR Ts THIS | AWKWARD?IF YOU WAIT UNTIL IT GOES UP EVEN FURTHER. THEN YOULL KNOW IT’S A GOOD INVESTMENT. THE STOCK MARKET IS UP TODAY. I WONDER IF THIS IS A GOOD TIME TO GET IN. Cartoon'[email protected] Tors ©2012 ScOR AGES, NEHA DilbertcomTHESE EDITS ARE SO BAD THAT MY ONLY CHOICES ARE TO SEND IT OUT AND MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF OR INSULT YOUR ALLEGED T HOPE YOU DIDN'T PICK THE WRONG RELIGION I MADE SOME EDITS TO YOUR DOCUMENT. INTELLIGENCE. ( TOO. Dilbert.com [email protected] “18:12 ©2012 SCOT AdaIs INE Oat o7 UnvralCOMMUNI— CATION =p IS OVER— RATED. ee NG RIGHT ‘hie oabre Soon Adams, ne. et eyurow etek ‘ i i 3 i H H eB : 8 : ECAN YOU HACK INTO OUR COMPETITOR'S NETWORK AND MAKE IT LOOK AS IF THE ELBONIANS DID IT? Dilbericom [email protected] 142012 ©2012 Soon Adams, ING osc eyueue NOW THAT I'VE WORN: DOWN YOUR LIMITED CAPACITY FOR SELF— CONTROL, I NEED YOU TO BURY SOME— THING IN THE WOODS, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.I NEED YOU TO BURY SOME TOP SECRET PROPRIETARY DOCUMENTS IN THE WOODS FOR ME. COME BACK IN TEN MINUTES. [email protected] "WRN. e20re Soom Adams, ME ety AIO Dilbert comDILBERT ANY COMMENTS ON THE PROJECT] PLAN? ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL, T UNDERSTAND, THE BENEFITS OF BREAKING TASKS INTO ‘SMALL CHUNKS. WHEN YOU CONSIDER ALL OF THE TASKS TOGETHER, THEY FORM A RATIONAL PLAN. BUT YOU'VE LEFT ME EMOTIONALLY GUTTED. AS TREAD ‘YOUR PLAN, IM. LOSING PY WILL TO LIVE. BY SCOTT ADAMS BUT OUR INDIVIDUAL YOU'VE MANAGED TASKS ARE SO FAR. REMOVED FROM THE TO REMOVE ALL SENSE. BIG PICTURE THAT. OF PURPOSE FROM MY ff THEY ARE STRIPPED (OF MEANING. CANT YOU FIND MEANING IN YOUR PERSONAL LIFE?T PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE KEPT THAT THOUGHT BOTTLED UP INSIDE ME. Me ULSD ey DID YOU COME UP “HERTHLOKEL.” WITH THAT WHEN YOU WERE GETTING DENTAL WORK? Dilbercom [email protected] “f-2 1a 62012 Seow Adams Inevo=b) Deas Uki I DIDNT HAVE TIME TM cuRTOUS NONE TO CALL ANYONE. BUT |/] TosEE HOW OF THE TCAN SPECULATE THIS WILL VENDORS ABOUT WHAT MIGHT WORK OUT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF FOR YOU. HAVE THAD. cA LETS HEAR WHAT BARRY LEARNED FROM. OUR VENDORS AND GO FROM THERE. Dilbert.com [email protected]>, COFFEE CUP. a 3 > w N N a 40 z oO oO eI™ WALLY’S SERVICE MONKEY. TLL BE FIELDING ANY QUESTIONS DIRECTED ALLY. WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THAT WAS A STRONGER ARGUMENT BEFORE T SAW YOUR POWERPOINT ‘SLIDES. WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, A BUSINESS MEETING IS NO PLACE FOR A MONKEY. Dilbertcom _DilbertCarioonist@gmall|com "201 F012 Seow Adama, Ine Duby UnemaDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS i i PEOPLE ALWAYS TRY TLOST FIVE | L.CAME HOME LAST TO TAKE ADVANTAGE POUNDS AND MY NIGHT AND HE HADN'T| HUSBAND DIDN'T EVEN CLEANED THE NOTICE! GARAGE LIKE HE PROMISED. TS IT MY IMAGINA— TELL ME MORE TION, OR HAVE YOU ABOUT HOW YOU FOUND A CLEVER WAY TO MAKE PEOPLE PAY THINK TM TO LISTEN TO YOU CLEVER. COMPLAIN?YES, AND I SEE TLL SWEEP YOUR SEVENTEEN REASONS DUMB TWEETS OFF TO NOT BE YOUR TO THE SIDE. HELEN! THIS 16 a } UNSETTLING. oy THOSE MUST BE THE GOOGLE GLASSES THAT GIVE YOU INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR ENVI— RONMENT. y Dilbert.com _Dilberiartoonist@gmall comBUT IT WORRY THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS DRIFTED INTO. SOMETHING LESS. DIGNIFIED. T THOUGHT BEING A SERVICE ANIMAL WOULD BE A NOBLE CALLING. Dilberi.com [email protected] ‘Save e201 Scow Adams, nex Sa } GE OR TLL SEND YOUR BROWSER HISTORY TO YOUR CONTACTS. , ou, HOW'S — _ PRAC— YOUR APP TICALLY DOING? SELLS: ITSELF. i z 5 : S : 5 5 } 5 15342 ©2012 Scot Adams, Ine anyon‘pen ear Su Sulepy 1098 7102S NSTD RATHER NOT SAY BECAUSE YOU HAVE A HABIT OF MISINTER— PRETING EVERYTHING YOU HEAR AND THEN: BAD—MOUTHING IT LATER. SO, DILBERT, WHAT ELSE ARE YOU WORKING ON LATELY? Dilber.com [email protected] ‘55:12. o20re Soot Ada, ING aby UmeaDILBERT HOW BID WE.DO AT THE WE HAD A HUGE CROWD AROUND OUR BOOTH THE ENTIRE TIME. BUT IT WAS JUST THE SPILLOVER FROM, THE POPULAR BOOTH NEXT TO US. BY SCOTT ADAMS THE ONLY PERSON WHO ASKED FOR OUR BROCHURE USED IT TO KILLA SPIDER. i SOME GUY TRIED TO ‘STEAL OUR EXTRA CHAIR AND THEN ALICE BEAT HIM SENSELESS | WITH OUR LOGO SIGN, A VIDEO OF THE INCIDENT. 1S ALREADY ON YOUTUBE. IT COST US $200,000 TO BE AN EXHIBITOR AND WE GAINED ZERO NEW) CUSTOMERS. 50 IT WAS JUST LIKE THE]] coop LAST ELEVEN YEARS.| WHAT'S UP WITH THE HOBO OUTFIT? WOW, YOU ACTUALLY DON'T KNOUW WHICH DIRECTION IS UP, | THIS STAIN FLAUNT HIS SUCCESS, SO IM DRESSING EVEN TS FUDGE, MORE CASUALLY. Dilbert com _DilbertGarioonist@gmail com SB C2018 Scott Adams, Ine Oxty UnwedTHEN WE DON'T BELIEVE YOUR. FORECAST. CAN T DBO WHAT— TELL YOU EVER MAKES ABOUT IT YOU FEEL ANYWAY? LESS ABSURD. AND MY DID You REVENUE. Toarener MARE ANY SAYS... “TIONS? Dilbert.com [email protected] '5-9-12 o20Ie Soom Adams, neCUSTOMERS ARE, THREATENING TO BOYCOTT US IF WE CONTINUE TO ADVER— TISE ON DOGBERT’S RADIO SHOW. Dilbert.com [email protected] DOGBERT INSULTED EVERY MAN, WOMAN, CHILD, AND ORGANIC SUBSTANCE IN THE KNOUN UNIVERSE. | HE CALLED "THE MOON SOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH TOTEM. opEM? yAPPARENTLY THE PEOPLE WHO ARE DUMB ENOUGH TO WANT OUR PRODUCT ARE TOO DUMB TO KNOW HOLJ TO USE SELF— CHECKOUT. OUR SALES HAVE. DROPPED TO ZERO IN RETAIL STORES THAT HAVE SELF—CHECKOUT. ON A POSITIVE NOTE, WE HAVE THE MOST SHOPLIFTED PRODUCT OF THE YEAR. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘5-12-12 02012 Scott Adams Inc ey vem cckDILBERT HOW DO WE KNOW THAT TEN OTHER COMPANIES AREN'T WORKING ON THE ‘SAME IDEA? AND THAT'S MY SUGGESTION FOR ‘OUR NEXT PRODUCT. WELL, THAT'S ALWAYS A. POSSIBILITY. BY SCOTT ADAMS THERE ARE SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE ON EARTH. TLL BET A MILLION OF THEM HAD THIS IDEA. ON THE OTHER HAND, WE ONLY GET PAID TF WE PRETEND TO BE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT NEW PRODUCTS. IT'S IRRATIONAL TO THINK THAT ANY NEW PRODUCT IS, LIKELY TO BE A HIT. ALL IN FAVOR OF FAKING OUR, OPTIMISM, RAISE ‘YOUR HANDS. THAT'S THE ONLY KIND THERE Is.SETTLE DOWN, HONEY. IDIONT ASK FOR YOUR OPINION. IM TELLING YOU WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO. Dilbert.com [email protected] GAAA!!! LOWER THE CONTAINMENT UNIT! pe GOING TO BLOW. ‘S14 o20re Scam Adams, Inc RIGHT AFTER YOU DIE. “"e osOR DO YOU PREFER OBABLY BETTER, A MULTIPLE—PAGE, IF NO ONE CAN READ IT. APPROACH THAT IS DO Yok TO PUT THE CHART ON ONE PAGE, WHICH WOULD MAKE THE TEXT TOO SMALL FOR YOUR AUDIENCE TO SEE? CONFUSING AND UNPERSUASIVE? IWONT BOTHER USING REAL WORDS, Dilbert.com [email protected]I SHOULD WARN OKAY. YOU THAT IM NOT LET’S BEGIN AUTHORIZED TO MAKE WASTING DECISIONS, AND T OUR TIME! TAKE POOR NOTES. MY BOSS ASKED ME TO ATTEND YOUR PRESENTATION ON HIS BEHALF. Dilbert.com [email protected]3a Be Ee 4 S 17 IN8] 1 BeLteve IN LIFELONG LEARNING. I HAVE EVERY TECHNOLOGY CERTIFICA— TION RELEVANT TO MY FIELD. I SKIPPED MY SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE TO LAUNCH MY FIRST OF THREE START-UPS. HE'S UNEDUCATED. ‘5-12. 620% Seow Adams, Ingvos b/c Dilber.com DilbertCarloonist@gmall,DILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS NEED TO GET ALICE, WOULD sg ow [lp | THE ROO, ROOM FOR A MINUTE? nS ae: x ax bone || DON'T TURN vene?J/| YOUR BA — | | Ba bg; i 5 8 j 5 ; Fy a : 8 : éTLL USE THIS DUMMY TO DEMON— STRATE THE WAY OUR COMPANY WANTS US TO TREAT CUSTOMERS. Dilbert com [email protected] aeLOUD HOWARD MEETS TOPPER T NEEDY ANEW eo CUBICLE, ‘ i 5 g i i ; Fy : 8 : éLt REMEMBER A TIME Y — THATS (NOW IT'S WHEN T HAD TO LISTEN TO THE TOPIC AT HAND. BEFORE ADDING MY INSINCERE INPUT. Dilbert.com _ [email protected] '5 25 IR ©2012 Scott Adama ING ay ner ok‘YOU MIGHT NOT HOW DID KNOL WHAT THAT PEOPLE DO WORD MEANS, SO T SARCASM EMAILED YOU A LINK BEFORE THE TO ITS DEFINITION. INTERNET? TNEED SOMETHING CALLED A “DECISION.” pr? Dilbert.com [email protected] 5-26 Devore Scon Adams, IneDILBERT WE'VE BEEN ASKED TO CUT OUR BUDGET BY 303, BY SCOTT ADAMS THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. WE MET ALL OF OUR OBJECTIVES LAST YEAR. (OF OUR COMPANY HAD A DIFFERENT PART. A HUGE LOSS. THEIR BUDGET ISN'T BIG ENOUGH TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO THE BOTTOM LINE 90 OUR STRATEGY IS, TO PUNISH SUCCESS, AND REWARD FAILURE? JUST DO YOUR JOB AND LEAVE THE STRATEGY TO MANAGEMENT, SHOULDN'T YOU CUT. THEIR BUDGET. NOT ours? \ i HYPOTHETICALLY, IF 1 D0 MY JOB POORLY, WOULD THAT BE GOOD OR BAD FOR ME?IT’S BECAUSE THE LEAST IMPORTANT THING I DO IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL OF YOU PUT TOGETHER. ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT IS THATIM GREAT AT SETTING PRIORITIES. SORRY I™ LATE. Dilbert.com —[email protected] i i i : i 4 8 é ieCAN YOU COME TO MY MEETING AT 8AM TOMORROW? T RESERVE THE FIRST FEW HOURS OF EVERY MORNING FOR USEFUL ORK. THA TCALL IT AS coop TIME LIKE AN MANAGEMENT. TNSULT, THERE'S A LOT ) OF OVERLAP. Dilbertcom [email protected] '5°30"13 ©2012 Scott Adama. ING os Uner okEACH OF YOU WILL TAKE ON ONE PIECE OF THE LEADERSHIP ROLE. LET'S SEE. T HAVE YOU DOWN FOR SOMETHING IM MOVING TOA SHARED LEADERSHIP MODEL. MY PIECE? } WHATS Dilber.com [email protected] ‘5-31 [2 ©2012 Sol Adams, Ing out byumwrsCONSULTANT YOU ASKED FOR IS OVERBOOKED. Dilbert.com [email protected] "ez0re Scot Adams, Ine, ee: wrsa vorHOLD THAT THOUGHT UNTIL I PUT ON MY IDEA—SHREDDING GLOVES. YOURE TELL ME ABAD MORE ABOUT LISTENER. no DUMB. EA. MY IDEA IS THAT... WE Perey PNtater= Tl Tae o20I2 Sco Adem, Inc, ory umes UA Dilbert com [email protected]DILBERT WALLY. YOU CANT FLOAT THROUGH LIFE, WITH NO GOALS AND NO AMBITION. YOU MISTUDGE ME, T HAVE MY ENTIRE, CAREER PLANNED OUT. MY FIVE-YEAR PLAN 1S TO AVOID ANY SORT ‘OF WORK IN WHICH MY INDIVIDUAL ACCOMP— LISHMENTS CAN BE MEASURED. BY SCOTT ADAMS {. TiLHoARD ) KNOWLEDGE ABOUT ONE OF OUR LEGACY SYSTEMS SO I SEEM INDISPENSIBLE. WHEN I GET TO WITHIN FOUR YEARS OF RETIREMENT, TLL, ONLY WORK ON, PROJECTS THAT HAVE A FIVE-YEAR PAYBACK. TLL PROTECT MY CARDIOVASCULAR SYSTEM BY GETTING PLENTY OF NAPS AND NOT CARING ABOUT. THE QUALITY OF MY WORK. THEN TLL STICK A. STRAW IN OUR, PENSION FUND AND SUCK ON IT FOR THE NEXT FORTY YEARS, DID You cern |) Noort stare) £820) ENED OUT? J] Canecn, PLAN FOR, MYSELF.I THINK I NEED TO BE MORE VOCAL ABOUT MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS. Dilbert.com [email protected] IVE FOUND THAT BRAGGING IS A PERFECT SUBSTITUTE FOR ACCOMPLISHING STUFF. See WOW. YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY SEAT CUSHION.I™ A HIGHLY TRAINED THAT MIGHT BE TECHNICAL WRITER. A TRICK QUESTION, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK BUT I™ PRETTY YOU CAN DO MY JOB SURE THE ANSWER BETTER? IS PARAGRAPH TWO. YOUR SECOND PARA— GRAPH IS POINTLESS AND CONFUSING. LET'S JUST DELETE IT. [email protected]TWAS JUST HELPING OUT BECAUSE HER BOSS HAS HIS PRIORITIES ALL BACKWARD. YouR 8088 nepoxrs SOME SUGGES— » “TIONS FOR ) FIXING YOU. STOP TELLING TINA HOW TO DO HER JOB. YOURE NOT HER BOSS. Dilbert.com [email protected] (6-712 ©2012 Seam Adams, ne oss ey Umar ckLET ME CHECK MY ACQUAINTANCE PRICE CHART TO SEE WHAT HE’S WORTH, T™ COLLECTING MONEY FOR SCOTT'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT. DO You Re, aes CHANGE. IN LINT FOR USED OR BENT GUM? STAPLES? ) ¢ : 5 g 8 3 5 ‘6-0 o2012 Scom Adams, ne, on. cy neaTHE EMPLOYEE PARKING SITUATION IS TERRIBLE. I HAD TO PARK A MILE AWAY. se NTEN— THOMBLLY WHAT DO MAKING MY YOU THINK MANAGE — LIFE MORE DIFFICULT? THAT'S BY DESIGN. THE INCONVENIENCE REMOVES YOUR TEMPTATION TO RUN PERSONAL ERRANDS DURING THE DAY. MENT IS? Dilbertcom [email protected] (6-712, ©2012 Scot Adama, Inc, /om oy vantDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS IF T PAY FOR YOUR, TRAINING, YOULL USE YOUR CERTIFICATION TO GET A BETTER JOB, I.NEED TO GET. THIS TECHNOLOGY CERTIFICATION, AT THE MOMENT, YOURE IN WHAT WE MANAGERS CALL THE GOLDILOCKS ZONE. YOURE NOT HOT ENOUGH TO GET A BETTER JOB, AND YOURE NOT YET INCOMPETENT AT. THE ONE YOU HAVE, EXPIRE, INTHE NOT TP UAY TOR TAY Ok Youle be TLL PAY FOR MY OWN: = YEAR OR TWO, TLL TRAINING AND LEAVE YOUR |) NATED EN RERACE YOU WET TRAINING AND LEAVE IH. 1] taagnane | | NATED IN SOMEONE YOUNGER. EXPENSES ‘YOUR OWN STENCH! EAPENSES [| STENCH,A MY HEADPHONES WILL CLEVERLY DISCOURAGE PEOPLE FROM TRYING TO CHAT WITH ME. AF NOODLE-SIZED ARMS. IN YOUR DIRECTION. [email protected]IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE. WHEN THEY APPEAR TO ENJOY WORKING. IT FEELS LIKE I’M NOT DOING SAME PLANET, DIFFERENT] REALITY [email protected] iSMART PEOPLE LIKE IT. EVERYONE ELSE ASKS ME WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. WHAT FEEDBACK HAVE OTHER PEOPLE GIVEN YOU ON YOUR IDEA? Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Ga-12 2012 Soot Adams, tne oatYES. EVERYTHING ‘YOU SUGGESTED IS A BAD IDEA, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE EXPLAINING WHY. DID YOU SEE MY EMAIL WITH ALL OF MY RECOMMENDED CHANGES TO YOUR PRODUCT? ALL ROADS NOWT HEADED IN HATE THAT DIREC— YOU. TION. ALL T | DID WAS TAKE THE SHORTEST ONE. Ly Dilbert.com [email protected] (G:ihID w2012 SeOm AEM,AREN'T YOU WORRTED HOW CAN I EMBARRASS THAT YOUR PERSONAL A COMPANY THAT PLANS. BEHAVIOR WILL REFLECT TO POLLUTE YOUR POORLY ON YOUR GROUNDWATER? COMPANY? WHERE CAN I GO TO ENJOY SOME OF THE LOCAL DEBAUCHERY? SAY WHAT? C ; 2 8 8 ; 2 a : i i 2 6-16-12 ©2092 Scot Adams, IneDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘NOW EVERY TIME TT'S LIKE AN HE TRIES TO USE INTELLIGENCE TEST, ‘SPEED DIAL, IT T WANT TO SEE HOW CALLS HIS OWN LONG IT TAKES HIM TO ‘CELLPHONE, FIGURE IT OUT. ‘TL REPROGRAMMED OUR POINTY-HATRED BOSS’ SPEED DIAL ON. HIS DESK PHONE. FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME, DONT TELL ME TO| HOLO ON! I™ TELLING YOU TO HOLD ON! ID BETTER, TAKE THIS.Je ree eg WENT A. HUNDRED RAGS BEFORE RIPPING THE ROOF OFF AN ORPHANAGE. | ARE THE ODDS THEY D BE MISSILES Untcer THREE ORPHANS? TIMES? OUR MISSILE PROGRAM IS THE PRIDE OF ELBONTA! ( Dilbert.com [email protected] 1649-12 62012 Scomt Adams: Ine aby aromROCKET BOOSTERS WILL MOVE AN ASTEROID. INTO THE MOON’S ORBIT $0 WE CAN MINE ITS PRECIOUS METALS. WHY DON'T WE MINE FOR PRECIOUS METALS IN AFGHAN— STAN? THEY HAVE LOTS OF THEM. THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN SCIENCE FICTION. Dilbert.com [email protected] 1620 1202012 Scow Adams, IneWE'VE DECIDED TO DO THE SAME THING WITH ALL OF OUR EMPLOYEES. WERE GOING TO MOVE YOUR DATA TO THE CLOUD. TED, HAVE YOU SEEN THE TUPAC VIDEO WHERE HE PERFORMS: AS A HOLOGRAM? I THINK YOU MEAN ECONOMICAL. 5 lie | Dilbert;com [email protected] 6211207012 Scom Adams, Insure‘ea pow WODU Suey NODS Z1OLS ChEEDI FINISHED THE FRAUDULENT ANALYSIS. YOU REQUESTED TO SUPPORT THE DECISION YOU ALREADY MADE. Dilbert com [email protected] IT'S A TOTAL BETRAYAL OF SHAREHOLDERS AND. A SLAP IN THE FACE FOR ANYONE WHO VALUES RATIONAL BEHAVIOR. 2 i i 5 a & § THANKS. THAT'S. EXACTLY WHAT T WANTED. YOURE. WELCOME.DILBERT MY DAUGHTER IS. TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS. MY SON TS GOING TO HARVARD. ‘HAVE NO SPAWN OF MY OWIN, SOT CLAIM THE RIGHT TO NAME A PROXY TO BRAG ON MY BEHALF. TOPPER, NEED, YOU. BY SCOTT ADAMS MY DAUGHTER, DISCOVERED THE HIGGS BOSON PARTICLE USING NOTHING BUT LICORICE ‘AND A FLASHLIGHT. MY SON INHALES CARBON DIOXIDE AND EXHALES ENDANGERED ‘SPECIES WHILE PLAYING IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. THIS ISNT FAIR! You CANT JUST MAKE UP STUFF! ACCORDING TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE INTERNATIONAL SOCIETY OF BOASTERS, FABRICATIONS ARE ‘ACCEPTABLE, BEETLL SCHEDULE SOME TIME ON WEDNESDAY TO HOUND YOU, AND MORE TIME ON FRIDAY TO ESCALATE TO YOUR TLL GET THAT INFOR— ARE YOU | TMEX— TRYING PERIENCED. TOBEA IT LOOKS TERK? EXACTLY THE SAME. Dilbert com [email protected] {6-25-12 ©2012 Soot Adams, Inc Gok burr ekA NEARSIGHTED BILLIONAIRE OFFERS: ITs MUST... TO HUNT YOU ON HIS MORE OF ADJUST PRIVATE ISLAND. A FORAGING... EXPEC— SITUATION. TATIONS DOES THAT ... DOWN. YOUR ONLY HOPE FOR SURVIVAL oan JOB PAY WELL? Dilbert.com [email protected] (G2) 2 epaIe Scon Adams, IneDOGBER’ RETIREMENT PLANNING SERVICE NONE OF MY CLIENTS UNDERSTAND HOW THE FUTURE WORKS. g 5 5] 8 3 8 H 2 a : 5 ; 2 G.2i12 o2012 Soot Adams, tne by Vira YakTera THAT STRANGLE OULD INNOVATION EVEN THE AND PLUNGE "LAYTN CIVILIZATION " FOR A HUGE FEE, T WILL USE MY PATENTS TO THWART THE COMPANIES THAT ARE TRYING TO THWART YOU WITH THEIR OWN PATENTS. I™ A PATENT TROLL, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME A NON-PRACTICING INTO THE DARK AGES! Dilbert com [email protected] {5530 12 o20re Scott Adams, Ic bene eekDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS TAM MORDAC, TLKNOWL WEVE NOT PETE ANYWAY, T UP— THE PREVENTER ‘4 GRADED OUR NETWORK GEENTER WORKED TOGETHER| SERVICES, SOUNDS AWESOME SECURITY TO INCLUDE FOR YEARS. WHEN T SAY IT. FACIAL RECOGNITION, YOUR TEMPORARY, YOULL NEED WISH WED T HAD PASSWORD IS THIS THIS CONVERSATION FACE, "A WEEK AGO.IM STARTING A PUMP—AND—DUMP NEWSLETTER FOR THINLY TRADED STOCKS. IT’S LEGAL AS LONG AS I DISCLOSE MY HOLDINGS AND MY BAD STOCK PICKS CAN BE ATTRIBUTED TO HONEST MISTAKES. Dilbert.com [email protected] "F372 62012 Soot Adams, ING fatty necTHAT'S OKAY BECAUSE T MAKE A FORTUNE INVESTING IN PENNY STOCKS. DO YOU WANT SOME HOT STOCK TIPS? NO, BUT I DID YOU NARROWED GETA THE GAP RAISE? BETWEEN HIS INCOME AND MINE. WALLY, I CAN'T GIVE ‘YOU A RAISE BECAUSE YOU ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING THIS YEAR. Dilbert.com [email protected] Tari2 ©2012 ScoM Adame, Ine oaty Ure rhIT CAN’T TELL WHAT'S REAL ANYMORE, DON’T START. IM LATE FOR THE MANDATORY COFFEE SAFETY TRAINING. Dilbert.com [email protected] 7-5-2. ©2012 Scow Adams, ie."OR YOU COULD STOP SMOTHERING THE INNOVATION WE ALREADY HAVE. THAT'S THE. DUMBEST IDEA I'VE HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. WHAT WE NEED IS AN OVERARCHING STRATEGY TO STIMULATE OUR INNOVATION. Dilbert.com [email protected] 7-612. ©2012 Seon Adams, Ing a ty rea UhONE OF OUR MAJOR INVESTORS FOUND A DISCREPANCY ON YOUR RESUME. Dilbert.com [email protected] YOU CLAIM TO HAVE A DEGREE IN ENGINEER— ING, BUT IN REALITY YOU HAVE. . . 7-72 02012 Scot ASEMS, INE sty Unrate A CERTIFICATION IN PUPPETRY FROM A PLACE CALLED... EVELYN‘S DIPLOMA AND BAIT SHOP. THE BOARD HAS FAITHIN OUR CEDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS RESEARCH SHOWS: THAT BRAINSTORMING 19 LESS EFFECTIVE THAN, PEOPLE WORKING BY THEMSELVES AND LATER COMPARING IDEAS, LETS BRAINSTORM NEW PRODUCT IDEAS. REMEMBER, THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF BRAINSTORMING 1S NO CRITICIZING. BUT IF YOU DECIDE T UNDERSTAND WHY TO DO TT ANYWAY, BRAINSTORMING HAS TT SORT OF PROVES ‘A BAD REPUTATION, MY POINT. BUT IT DOESN'T STOP ~ ME FROM ENJOYING IT. MY IDEA TS TO USE REMEMBER, YOURE STEM CELL TECHNOLOGY NOT SUPPOSED TO TO DESIGN BOSSES WHO CRITICIZE IDEAS. ARENT T6NoRAMUSES. J] |"eto nha sey OU SUEY HOS E10 CL woo yeus@yewoovegvedia wor vediTLL TAKE MONEY FROM THE RICH AND GIVE IT TO HOPELESSLY DOOMED SOCIAL MEDIA START—UPS. BECAUSE T'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A VENTURE CAPITALIST. BECAUSE YOU LOVE HELPING ENTRE— PRENEURS? Dilbert.com [email protected] 7-412 ©2012 Scort Adams Ine om. vaARE YOU DOUBLE— COUNTING MY STALK— ING VICTIMS? SOME OF THEM ARE ALSO ACQUAINTANCES. ZERO FRIENDS... 75 ACQUAINTANCES. ONE NEMESIS. . .NINI ONLINE STALKING VICTIMS. IT WROTE A SOCTAL. MEDIA APP THAT CAN. TELL ME HOW MANY FRIENDS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE. i i i : é i = 3 Dilbert com [email protected]VENTURE CAPITAL WATT. .. NOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD: INVESTMENT. HOW DID ‘YOU DO THAT? ' ICAN TELL YOU, otis $100,000 JUST Hox BECAUSE yousrewen “BOST TNEED $100,000 FOR MY LOCATION— BASED, SOCIAL MEDIA, $10 CLOUD START-UP. SOME BUZZ— MILLION? RDS. BUT IT WONT WO! BE FLATTERING. Dilbert.com [email protected] 7.2 ©2012 Seok Adam, Ie.a {OULD I BE. WORRIED AT YOUR OTHER BOARD MEMBERS HAVE A COMBINED T.Q. OF ABOUT 70? ENOUGH ‘0 GT ee $10 MILLION DOLLARS. GAVE BUTI AAD TO AGREE. To PUT ONE OF THEM ON OUR BOARD. BURN! "7-13-12.62012 Scom Adams, Itty urna eck Dilbert com [email protected]THANKS FOR THE DEPOSIT, SUCKER! Dilbert.com [email protected] WE PLAN TO WASTE. IT ON COMPLICATED HEDGING STRATEGIES: THAT WE DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND. YOUR. HONESTY IS RE— FRESHING. THANKS, BUT IT MAKES CROSS— SELLING HARDER...DILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS STOP WHATEVER YOURE DOING AND GO RESEARCH THE ANSWER, ‘TO THIS QUESTION. BRAD REFUSES, TO HELP ALICE, : | 8} 4 iE ie TINE TEN MINUTES TO JGR ON Lous TRANSFORM TT INTO PRIORITY TASKS. AN EMERGENCY. BRAD IS BEING UNHELPFUL. T NEED YOU TO TALK TO HIS BOSS. OBVIOUSLY IT'S VERY EMERGENCY BECAUSE IMPORTANT BECAUSE EVERYONE TS ALL I DONT KNOW, BUT [ ‘TT MUST BE AN TT GOT ESCALATED. WORKED UP ABOUT IT. NOW HUM A HAPPY TUNE OR TLL COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR ATTITUDE,BUT I DONT SEE HOW EITHER OF THOSE THINGS COULD HAVE SURVIVED THE URINE FROM THE CRACK SQUATTERS. I BOUGHT A FORE— CLOSED HOUSE FOR #500. I PLAN TO FLIP IT FOR A PROFIT. DID THE THEY CLAIM DISCLO— THERES A SURES LOT OF HAVE ANY MOLD AND. RED FLAGS? UNEXPLODED | ORDNANCE. Dilbert.com [email protected] Tig ©2012 Seon Adams, Ineror Ou SUIBPY HO9G ZZ ZILPL wioo yeub@rewoovegvedig wor veiIN THIS CASE IT MEANS YOU'RE. IGNORANT, BALD, AND OVERPAID. DO YOU RESPECT ME YET, OR SHOULD T KEEP GOING? DO YOU I DONT RESPECT KNOW THOSE WHO WHAT ‘SPEAK THAT TRUTH TO MEANS. JER Dilbert.com [email protected] 71812 ©2012 Scom Adame, Ineeroy ralWHAT'S A GOOD TIME TO GET TOGETHER AND DISCUSS MY PROJECT? EVERY INTERACTION TIVE HAD WITH YOU HAS BEEN A WASTE OF TIME. T HAVE NO REASON TO THINK IT WILL BE DIFFERENT SHEESH! HOW DID CIVILITY DIE? MAYBE YOU INVITED IT TO A MEETING. IN THE FUTURE. Dilbert.com [email protected] TAD 20 Soon Adana, eer DntA IVE CREATE ( WORLD'S GREATEST SMARTPHONE. $0! 0 OUR COMPETITORS NEVER LEARN HOW. TO IMITATE IT. MOT (CLE ATTACH IT i 3 8 3 a TO YOUR CAR. iF 7-202 ©2012 Scott Adams, Ne tty Urner eekIT WAS ALL GOOD UNTIL I SNEEZED AND. ACCIDENTALLY MERGED MY NETWORK DESIGN WITH MY OUTLOOK CALENDAR. WHEN TI SHOULD WILL YOU BE DONE HAVE THAT BY... THE FIXED? 1STH OF T WAS MANIPULATING A 3-D NETWORK MODEL USING MY HAND. MOTION SENSORS. Dilbert.com [email protected] TIMID e202 SCO Adams, Ne Os. Unreal ekDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS I. COMPLETED THE WIREFRAME AND PASSED. ‘TT OFF TO OUR CODERS. THAT'S GREAT. DID T DIDNT SEE ANY SPECS NO PROBLEM. TLL YOU INCORPORATE FROM YOU. MAYBE MY. | RESEND THEM AND ALL OF MY Specs? J | || SPAM FILTER ATE Your | |i], YOU CAN START FROM SCRATCH, ! | 4 ; OR 1 COULD IGNORE T ACCEPT ~ (YES. T CERTAINLY’ YOUR INPUT ENIOY. your wise |] | 9) “seanca Fon ‘COULD 00 THAT. MAY DEEP FEELING OF COUNSEL, | RELEVANCE ACCOMPLISHMENT, AND| | [EASTER : eae HOPE FOR THE BEST.DOES IT INVOLVE STANDING NEAR MY WORKPLACE AND YAMMERING WHILE I TRY TO WORK? I JUST THOUGHT OF A GREAT IDEA FOR INCREASING WORK— PLACE PRODUCTIVITY. YOUR PLAN IS GOING GREAT SO Dilbert.com [email protected] 7-230 2012 Scot Adams Ine movinWHEN T DIE, T WANT MY ASHES SCATTERED IN OUTER SPACE. Dilbert.com [email protected] COOL! TLL BRIBE AN ELBONIAN GENERAL TO STRAP YOU TO THEIR. INTERCONTINENTAL MISSILE WHEN THEY TEST IT NEXT WEEK. 7-24-1262012 Scon Adana, Ines Deray Omen IT’S BETTER IF THE DYING AND THE ASH SCATTERING ARE SEPARATE EVENTS. DON’T BE A BURDEN ON THE ane:CAN WE SCHEDULE A TIME TO WRITE THE PRODUCT DESCRIP— TION TOGETHER? SURE. HOW ABOUT 26 O'CLOCK NEXT FLEEMSDAY? Dilbert.com [email protected] 7-25 202012 Scat Adame, incon Vara UaTM CURIOUS. . . HOW FORTY— ILIKE LONG DO YOU THINK IT FIVE HOW YOU er ee Tolae TECH MINUTES, PUNCTUATE EA IGNORANCE DATABASE ANALYST? TINA, OUR DATABASE ANALYST QUIT, SO I NEED YOU TO TAKE OVER THAT JOB. WITH CERTAINTY. Dilbert com [email protected]ARE YOU SURE SHE DIDNT SAY YOU PUNCTU— ATE YOUR IGNORANCE WITH CERTAINTY? SHE SAID T PUNCH AND HATE IGNORANCE WITH CERTAINTY. TINA GAVE ME A GREAT COMPLIMENT. ) IM POSITIVE! Dilbert.com [email protected] F270 e202 Scot Adame, freYour NOPE. AND TRIUBONE Tere BLUETOOTH. SIRI, HOW CAN T AVOTD BLAME FOR OUR SERVER OUTAGE? DEPLOYING [email protected] 2B 12 OBOE Soot Adatie Ine Oe yO Dilbert.comDILBERT CONSULTANTS SAY. THREE QUINTILLION BYTES OF DATA ARE CREATED EVERY DAY. TT COMES FROM EVERYWHERE. IT KNOWS ALL. ACCORDING TO THE BOOK OF WIKIPEDIA, TTS NAME TS "BIG DATA” BY SCOTT ADAMS BIG DATA LIVES IN THE CLOUD. IT KNOWS WHAT WE IN THE PAST, OUR, COMPANY DID MANY EVIL THINGS. BUT IF WE ACCEPT BIG DATA IN OUR, SERVERS, WE WILL BE SAVED FROM BANKRUPTCY. 18 IT TOO LATE TO I SHAH ‘SIDE WITH IT HEARS:DIDI ALREADY YES. THEY TELL THE © THOUGHT EMPLOYEES YOU WERE TO WORK ING SMARTER? IRONIC. SLASH THE R&D BUDGET, FIRE 7,000 EMPLOYEES, AND BUY A SEXY START— UP COMPANY THAT WE CAN RUN INTO THE GROUND. OUR STOCK IS DOWN 49% AND WE HAVE NO INNOVATIVE PRODUCTS IN THE PIPELINE. WE DID ALL Dilbert com [email protected] "730'Bo2012 Seat Adams, Ina os ANC‘ee raennn aU) SUPY NODS BOE ZHIELHE WANTS US TO CREATE A COMPUTER VIRUS TO ATTACK ELBONIAN MISSILE FACTORIES!!! THIS SHADOWY GUY 1S FROM AN UNNAMED GOVERNMENT AGENCY!!! Ve rromour IS THAT coveaN- IMPOR— it TANT? HOWARD? 6 Dilbert.com _ [email protected] ‘Br ©2012 Scot Adame: Ines by wera okPROFITS ARE WAY DOWN, BUT DON’T WORRY YOUR LITTLE HEADS ABOUT IT. jert.com [email protected] THE BOARD INCREASED MY ANNUAL COMPEN— SATION TO #60 MILLION. NOW I FINALLY HAVE. AN INCENTIVE TO DO A GOOD JOB! ‘BaD O202 Seon Adora Ine UH—OH. I'D BETTER HURRY BECAUSE IM ALREADY STARTING TO FEEL UNDERPAID AGAIN.WELL, I JUST DID. MY JOB OF INSPIRING YOU, SO I MIGHT AS. WELL GO HOME. WELL FINISH THIS PROJECT EVEN IF WE HAVE TO WORK ALL NIGHT! Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Bae e702 Soon AdamTHAT BRINGS US TO THE AWKWARD PART: DID YOU HAPPEN TO. BRING A CUP? BEFORE WE START. CAN I OFFER YOU A CUP OF WATER FROM OUR RESTROOM SINK? WE CAN'T AFFORD BOTTLED A CUP OF WATER. SINK ; WATER. t) Dilbert.com [email protected] 'B-H:12 2012 Seat Adam, IneoDILBERT WALLY, TM SENDING YOU TO'A CONFERENCE FOR THE WORLD'S TOP ENGINEERS. ‘TOOK THE LIBERTY (OF UPDATING YOUR WITH ANY ef] (LUCK. ONE OF OUR COMPETITORS WILL TRY TO POACH YOU. IF THIS GOES AS PLANNED, YOULL DESTROY ONE OF OUR ‘COMPETITORS FROM WITHIN, LIKE A HIDEOUS DISEASE, THAT WILL SAVE ME THE TROUBLE OF FIRING YOU. MAKE ME i | BY SCOTT ADAMS YOULL BE GOING WITH FIVE OTHER PEOPLE T WANT TO GET RID OF. ‘IT WAS THE FIRST TIME T EVER FELT USEFUL, ‘I DIDNT LIKE IT,I CONCERNED THAT THE ONLY BEVERAGE YOU CAN AFFORD TO OFFER ME IS WATER. FROM THE RESTROOM, SINK. .. AND I NEED TALSO OFFERED TO FILL THE AND. SINK AND LET NOW IM. YOULAPIT THIRSTY! ID LIKE TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOUR COMPANY TO BRING MY OWN CUP. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘B61 ©2012 Seon Adame, Ine Oacty Ure Oh‘SLAI FOR NO REASON. g 8 4 8 8 2 g é e 8 z 2IVE BEEN TREATED POORLY AS AN INTERN, AND I’ ANXIOUS: TO PERPETUATE THE CYCLE OF ABUSE. THIS IS MY NEW INTERN. T HAVEN'T. BOTHERED TO NAME HIM YET. ibert.com [email protected] ‘BBD ©2012 Scon Adame, Ine oy OanaREALLY DO ALL > 3° = a =I aARE YOU THE NEW UNPAID INTERN? NO, BUT THAT'S WHAT T ASPIRE TO BE. Dilbert com [email protected] TM MERELY AN INTERN TO ANOTHER INTERN. AND IT PAY A RESORT FEE JUST TO. USE THE RESTROOM. ‘Bao e202 Scat Adame, re AT LEAST YOU GET VALUABLE WORK EXPERI— ENCE. UNTIL HE ZIPS THE EYEHOLES ON THE LEATHER HOOD T WEAR IN MEETINGS.I WAS GOING TO SAY YOUR ORGANS: WILL BE HARVESTED TO SAVE ME, BUT NOW ‘YOU'VE MADE IT FEEL AWKWARD. I KNOW IT FEELS UNIMPORTANT TO BE AN INTERN TO ANOTHER INTERN. . . EVER GET IT WOULD statous STEP INTO ACCIDENT YOUR JOB? THEN... { oo Dilbert.com [email protected] Tea Scam Adams, a. tyme vastDILBERT HERE'S A LIST OF THE TWELVE ELEMENTS OF GREAT MANAGING. YOU MIGHT ALSO WANT TO ENCOURAGE MY DEVELOPMENT AND TELL ME MY JOB. ‘Ts IMPORTANT. IF YOU DO EVERY— THING ON THAT LIST, TT WILL MAKE ME FEEL WHAT EXPERTS CALL “ENGAGED.” REMEMBER TO CARE ABOUT ME AS A PERSON. AND TELL ME MY. OPINIONS COUNT. ‘IF YOU FAIL TO DO YOUR TOB PROPERLY, TWILL FEEL ALL. DISENGAGED AND DO POOR WORK. TF YOU DO ALL OF THAT, PLUS SEVEN MORE THINGS ON THE LIST, YOU MIGHT GET SOME PRODUC— TIVITY OUT OF ME. BY SCOTT ADAMS THIS WOULD BEA} CONVENIENT TIME TO GIVE ME SOME PRAISE AND RECOGNITION, way ace) (MLE TAT DEAD.TD PUT THE CIRCUIT BOARD IN A BUCKET OF WATER AND LOOK FOR AIR BUBBLES. i I JUST GHAT. DIAGNOSED SOUNDS PROBLEM HOW WOULD YOU DIAGNOSE A BUFFER. OVERFLOW PROBLEM? RIGHT. WITH YOUR | INTERVIEW QUESTION. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Be ozore Soot Adams, IneHUH. I WONDER IF T CAN CONVINCE THE OTHER ENGINEERS TO JUMP SHIP TODAY AND SHARE #100 MILLION AMONGST US. GOOGLE OFFERED TO BUY OUR COMPANY FOR $100 MILLION JUST TO GET OUR ENGINEERS! WHAT NOTHING. DID HE JUST JUST THINKING OUT LOUD. [email protected] ‘BTS oa0le Soot Adams, ine Dilbert comIT AGREED TO THE DEAL BECAUSE IM A MODERN DAY SLAVE TRADER WHO BELIEVES ENGINEERS ARE PROPERTY AND THE REST OF YOU HAVE GOOGLE HAS OFFERED TO BUY OUR COMPANY FOR #100 MILLION JUST TO GET OUR ENGINEERS. WHO WROTE — SOMEONE MY WITH NO SPEECH? = ECONOMIC VALUE. NO ECONOMIC VALUE. Dilbert com [email protected] i 2 é & $"sn Emu HOU SUED HOS 210 CPLJUST GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT. SKIP ALL OF YOUR JARGON AND EUPHEMISMS. Dilbert com [email protected] DON’T TELL ME YOURE REBALANCING OR OFFBOARDING OR. STREAMLINING. JUST TALK THE WAY YOUD TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE. ‘8-19.12 ©20r? Soom Adams, ne rw a CONSIDER YOURSELF EXCRETED.DILBERT YOU NEED TO ACT MORE LIKE AN ENTREPRENEUR, T'VE BEEN. DOING ALL OF THAT STUFF FOR YEARS. ENTREPRENEURS MAKE DECISIONS THAT WILL END IN FAILURE 703 OF THE TIME, HAS IT WORKED? THEY MOTIVATE PEOPLE THROUGH BULLYING. LYING. MANIPULATION, AND VERBAL ABUSE, WELL, IN THAT CASE, YOURE NOT [AN ENTREPRENEUR, BY SCOTT ADAMS ENTREPRENEURS MAKE THEIR EMPLOYEES WORK SO MANY HOURS THAT THEIR PERSONAL LIVES AND THEIR, BODIES FALL APART. 1S THAT WHY NO ONE] 1S WRITING| MY BIOG~ RAPHY?Dilbert.com [email protected] HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN T GIVE YOU NEGATIVE FEEDBACK? UNDER— APPRECI— ATED. j i : 5 i t i 5WHILE YOU WERE TALKING, GOOGLE CRE— ATED THAT PRODUCT, GAVE IT AWAY FOR FREE, AND KILLED IT FOR LACK OF INTEREST. AND WE'RE GOING TO BET THE COMPANY ON OUR NEW SOFTWARE PRODUCT. Is IT TOO SOON TO TAKE BACK MY FAKE BUY—IN? Dilbert.com [email protected] 1222-2 ©2012 Seat Adams, INE ato) reekWHY WERE RATSING ALL OF OUR PRICES? SALE PRI ARE OUR FRNORMAL PRICES ANYWAY. ‘ND OFFER LOW PRICES ALL THE TIME. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘BRAID ODOID Seon Adame Me ety UneYOUR FAKE 502 SALE PRICES MAKE DUMB CUSTOMERS FEEL LIKE SMART / SHOPPERS. Dilbertcom [email protected] WHY AM I PAYING YOU $400 AN HOUR TO TELL ME WHAT T ALREADY KNOW? ‘Bas ao2al2 Scat Adame, Ine! USUALLY I CHARGE $800 PER HOUR. FREAKIN’ GENIUS.DILBERT T.CANT GIVE YOU THE RAISE YOU DESERVE BECAUSE TT WOULD MAKE YOUR PAY HIGHER THAN MINE, ‘YOUR COMPENSATION WOULD BE GREATER THAN MINE. THAT‘S NOT A REASON, ‘YOU IGNORANT LET ME EXPLAIN, TT To YOU THIS WAY, ALICE. OKAY, HOW ABOUT. .. [MUST BE SMARTER “THAN YOU BECAUSE MY INCOME TS HIGHER? BY SCOTT ADAMS TF YOU MAKE MORE MONEY THAN T DO. WHEN T DONT HAVE REASONS FOR THINGS, TS THAT CALLED. INTUITION OR JUST ‘COMMON SENSE?SLAP LIPSTICK ON THE PIG, PUT A STAKE IN THE GROUND, AND VIEW IT FROM 30,000 FEET. WAIT... WHY DO T AND WHY SUDDENLY 07 REEL. FEEL LIKE 1 HIRING UNDERPAID? THAT DELIVERABLE IS your ACTIONABLE. Dilberticom DilberiGartoonist@gmallicom ‘DBD o2012 Soot Adams, Inc om oUtFROM NOW ON, I'M GOING TO RELY ON MY INTUITION INSTEAD OF MARKET RESEARCH. IF GUESSING CAN BRING YOUR SUCCESS. RATE UP TO SO% FOR BINARY CHOICES, IM ALL FOR IT. HEY, LOOK! I FOUND A TINY MANAGER MADE OF COPPER IN MY POCKET! Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Bzp 12 O20I2 Soom Adams, ory rw takwoo yeus@yewoovegvedig wor vediALICE, THIS IS MY DAUGHTER. HER CAREER PLAN IS TO BECOME A TROPHY WIFE FOR A BLIND GUY. AND BY THAT HE MEANS: HE’S NOT HAPPY THAT I MAJORING IN VISUAL AND PERFORMING ARTS. 1 HAVING A REAL HARD TIME CHOOSING SIDES ON THIS ONE. Dilbert com [email protected] ‘B01 e201 Scon Adams, Ine eroy UmeaLET'S TRY IT AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME SAY SOME- 1m TOO THING BAD ABOUT HONEST YES I CAN: SOME IDIOT DID A POOR JOB MATCHING MY SKILLS TO MY ASSIGNMENT. CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOURE DOING SUCH A BAD JOB ON YOUR NEW ASSIGNMENT? YOURSELF. Dilbert com [email protected] "Tria e201 Scot Adams, Ine,DILBERT HEARD A RUMOR. THAT APPLE'S NEXT PHONE WILL HAVE A, 20-MEGAPIXEL CAMERA. TOPPER HITACK THEARD YOULL BE ABLE TO HOLD THE PHONE TO YOUR HEAD AND TAKE A, PICTURE OF YOUR THOUGHTS. BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘AND EVEN THATS: NOTHING. THEIR NEXT PHONE, WELL BE A TIME MACHINE! THE MOST HANDSOME, MAN TN THE UNIVERSE! HE MAKES ‘A GOOD CASE FOR BUYING™ LIVING ON 2 aI DONT H ve BUDGET FOR THE NET- WORK MONITORING SOFTWARE YOU NEED, SO YOULL HAVE TO WRITE —, IT YOURSELF. SORT OFA GRID WITH YEAR 2040? SQUARE ECK Bi YOU WHEN I’ DONE DOING THAT. Dilbert.com [email protected] Tere 2012 Sco Adams, ne os. rerar eckIM WORKING ON A: FRAMEWORK TO ALLOW CONSTRUCTION OF LARGE-SCALE ANALYT— ICAL QUERIES ON UN— STRUCTURED DATA. IMA [etree ose $0, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? TURNED DOWN. IT’S ON BY THAT. T A FRAMEWORK. [email protected] i i i Dilbert.com 45:SCOOT BACK SO I CAN GET A CLEAR VIEW. THIS GUY REALLY MAKES MY ENGINE PURR. Is IT AWKWARD BEING IN THE SAME MEETING AS A COOLER VERSION OF YOURSELF? Dilbert.com [email protected] "TTI2 2012 Scom Adams, ne Os. eral ckSOMETIMES IT'S BETTER IF THE AQUARIUM OWNER DOESN'T EXPLAIN TO THE TURTLE HOW THE FILTRATION SYSTEM (WORKS. THIS DESIGN WOULD BE INEFFICIENT. HOW DO Dilberticom [email protected] ‘7-8:_on012 Soon Adams, Ina Katy roma UhDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS TAKE A COMPANY CAR r ‘SHELL SPEND. Hi ‘AND MEET A CUSTOMER |fel [J GQNT DRIVE TO THE ENTIRE Tare | |? AT OUR DATA CENTER, WITH ALICE. ARGUING WITH THE | 2) ALLOW ON MONTGOMERY AND 7 GPS NAVIGATION | |? ME TO > s : ofmon- L | i STRATE [- A Zig q — i MY PHONE ‘IS IT CRAZY? CHANGE YOUR. TF YOU sAystue ert ae MIND! CHANGE oats, | HEPC oe TAKING 880! YOUR MIND! WORSE)) T WILL END Ane TH CHANGE Your | [i YOU. MINI S0) LeEING WITH A WHO PREFERS THe COMPANY OF HIS PHONE? § 8 5 2 8 é ¢ 2 a : i iNO PROBLEM. SHOULD I TELL THE OTHERS YOURE LAZY, OR INCOMPETENT, OR IN OVER YOUR HEAD? NEED TO GIVE YOU SOME PUSH—BACK ON THESE DUE DATES. OKAY. I WILL INSIST THAT PEOPLE IGNORE THE ROOT CAUSE. Dilbertcom [email protected] ‘3427262012 Soot Adams Ine, 0 UnrateYES. IT’S LIKE THE TIME I STRANGLED MY GARDENER FOR OVER— WATERING THE ROSE BUSHES. IT WAS A VICTIMLESS CRIME SO I FEEL NO GUILT WHATSOEVER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID SOME INSIDER TRADING AND TOTALLY GOT AWAY WITH IT. IT FELT GREAT! VICTIMLESS MEANS? y I SEE THE PROBLEM. Dilbert.com [email protected] "342 ©2012 Seow Adams. Ine aby UnaDID YOU KNOW THAT POOR PEOPLE INVENTED ETHICS TO CONTROL RICH PEOPLE? IF THEY HAVEN'T KILLED ME BY NOW, A. LITTLE TRASH TALK WON’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE. NICE TRY, POOR PEOPLE! IT’S NOT WORKING! \I/ | Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Gur 02012 Soot Adame, INE fst UneractekCELEBRITIES DON'T PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO WHERE THEIR MONEY IS INVESTED, OR WHO IS STEALING IT. IVE DECIDED TO BECOME A MONEY MANAGER FOR DUMB CELEBRITIES. $0 YOU PLAN TO HELP THEM PROTECT THEIR MONEY? Dilbert com [email protected] "7-15 12 o20I2 Soot Adams, ne,DILBERT EMERGENCY! I CAN'T FIND MY PHONE AND TM LATE FOR A CUSTOMER MEETING. MAYBE IT’S WHER— EVER YOU CREATED YOUR LAST SELF— GENERATED CRISIS. MAYBE IT’S WITH TT MIGHT BE WITH YOUR COMPANY TD. YOUR KEYS THAT YOU BADGE THAT YOU LOST AFTER LUNCH. HAD TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY HOME FOR THIS MORNING. TIUST REMEMBERED PUT MY PHONE IN TY PURSE BECAUSE, THE BATTERY IS, DEAD. BY SCOTT ADAMS MAYBE IT’S UNDER THE CRITICAL FOLDER, THAT YOU COULDN'T FIND BEFORE YOUR LAST MEETING.THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO LEAD US TO THE NEXT TOPIC ON THE AGENDA. I'VE BEEN SO BUSY LATELY THAT T HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO MANAGE YOU. IT MUST HAVE BEEN A NIGHTMARE FOR ALL OF YOU TO BE WITHOUT MY LEADER— SHIP FOR SO LONG. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘quia ozo Scow Adams, Ine“YOU COULD WORK 80 HOURS A WEEK FOR BELOW-—MARKET COMPENSATION. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT SOOD FE NEED) ME. HOW CAN T HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR CAREER GOALS? : EMPLOYEES coming. WHO CANT SEE * “IT COMING. ( YOURE HIRED. Dilbert com [email protected] F ; iTHE OTHER KEY IS KNOWING WHEN TO QUIT. THE RIGHT TIME FOR YOU WAS ONE SENTENCE SOONER. PERSISTENCE IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS. Dilbert.com [email protected] 1-19-12 62012 Seow Adams, Ine /00: 9 orateI™ GETTING A LAZY VIBE FROM THIS IDIOT. IT'S TOTALLY KILLING MY MOTIVATION. STUDIES SHOW THAT ATTITUDES ARE SOCIALLY CONTAGIOUS. OH, GREAT. NOW I™ UNMOTIVATED AND ANGRY, TOO. Dilbert;com [email protected] 1-20-o20I2 Scott Adams, ne. oe Ueno okI JUST FOUND A WEBSITE THAT LISTS REGIONAL IDIOMS. I'VE DONE SOME BAD, BAD THINGS. CARL CHOKED THE POOCH ON THE PLAT— FORM DECISION. T NEED YOU TO THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS, HE SOUNDS LIKEA | VERY BAD PERSON. |} WILL TAKE CARE OF THAT RIGHT AWAY. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘JarTe o20I2 Sook Adams, nerTHANKS. I LOVE IT. WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DECIDE HOW TLL SPEND MY FREE TIME. IT WAS A GREAT. BOOK. ILL LOAN YOU THE PAPERBACK. PAPERBACKS: Ui, ARE AWESOME. YOURE IM A BIG FAN Keooas OF CLUTTER, j i : Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Janie of0le Soot Adame,DILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS NEED A DECISION (NICE TRY, BUT ‘YOURE TRYING TO TASDA cera ica oPTION Bo SENG Une pine Te BUSINESS TODAY, THE BLAME LATER H q T WANT TO HEAR ALL T KNOW FOR YOU MAKE A DECISION, NonereRE tN SURE IS THAT THE ‘AND I GOING TO RECORD IT ON MY, WASN'T GOING TO PHONE SO YOU DONT WORK ETTHER. LATER DENY TT.2 4 2 = Zz z u oOCAN YOU EMAIL THE TEST DATA TO ME? THATS WE NOTA REASON. ) WE DON’T DO IT THAT WAY. Dilbert.com [email protected] "F262 02012 Soot Adams, INE at UaeTHINK IT CAN WORK. aN ; R HOPE JUST EVER I TH YOURE. ae Y OR DUMB ENOUGH TO PAY THE POPCORN IS FOR AMBIGUOUS OUT— GETTING CHATTY. COMES. TASSUME WE PAY YOU BASED ON HOW MUCH YOU INCREASE OUR. SOCIAL MEDIA HITS. Dilbert.com [email protected]IS THE PROBLEM THAT THE EXECUTIVE TEAM KEEPS CHANGING, AND THAT MEANS THE COMPANY STRATEGY KEEPS CHANGING? MY NEW EXECUTIVE TEAM GOT TOGETHER AND FIGURED OUT THE SOURCE OF ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS. IS THE PROBLEM THAT ALL OF OUR MEETINGS TURN AWKWARD? ‘ i 5 8 j i H Ft E : 8 : §:2712 02012 Sear Adams, INE at TNDILBERT GAAAIIL YOU HAVE BEEN PAINTED BY THE BRUSH OF UNHELPFULNESS. BRIAN TELLS ME YOURE NOT BEING HELPFUL. BY SCOTT ADAMS THERE TS NO WAY TO REMOVE THE STIGMA OF THIS ACCUSATION. WATCH AND LEARN, TISSUES? WHAT ISSUES? MENTAL? EMOTIONAL? ‘SUBSTANCE ABUSE? MUCH T'S NOT IVE SAID TOO. MY PLACE, HE'S A you MONSTER! Trtosk ) EASY! NI =SHIPS WITH KIDS WHO ARE NERDY LONERS. Dilbert com [email protected] 10-112 62012 Seow Adams INE 0s. UnvratekDilbertcom [email protected] 0-212 ©2012 Scon Adame, Ine,eroy OnealYOUR WORK WAS. GOOD, NOT GREAT. GET OVER YOURSELF. ‘YOU DID GOOD WORK THIS WEEK. I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO LEAVE EARLY TODAY. IT’S FIVE MINUTES BEFORE MY NORMAL QUITTING TIME. Dilbert com [email protected] 10-31 e2012 Scon Adams, Ine, oy OnnaHERE’S SOME NEWS I DON’T UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE HIGGS - BOSON. HERE'S SOME NEWS: IT DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT LIBOR RATES. [email protected] j i i : a 2 i i H ia GETTING FACE TATTOO MIGHT BE A BAD CAREER, MOVE? 10-512 ©2012 Seon Adams, Ing arty naa Dilbert. com [email protected]IT INVOLVES GRIND— ING POOR PEOPLE INTO A SLURRY AND PUMPING IT INTO SHALE AT HIGH PRESSURE. IMAGINE T INVENTED A NEW TECH— NOLOGY FOR FRACKING. Dilbert.com [email protected] 10-612 ©2012 Scom Adama, Ine/er0y OmaDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘TT TAKES SO MUCH WHAT EXACTLY DO WORK TO GET INFORMED YOU THINK TS THE THAT IT DEFEATS. “POINT” OF HAVING ‘THE WHOLE POINT OF AN OPINION? HAVING AN OPINION, IN THE FIRST PLACE, UNLESS YOU HAVE GAAAN! THE POINT 16 HARD DATA TO BACK Youne THAT LT FEELS UP THAT COMMENT, IT WAS NOTHING BUT AN UNINFORMED OPINION THAT FELT GOOD.NO ONE KNEW THE PERFECT STORM WAS APPROACHING WHAT'S ALL THAT Poet THAT'S. NOTHING! (OBIE o2012 Soon Adams, Mero ty Venera ee ‘ i i 8 i |e i : 8 i HyIM PUTTING YOU ON A PROJECT WITH LOUD HOWARD, TOPPER, AND THE NEW GUY WHO LOVES THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE. IS IT BECAUSE NOT AT ALL. YOU HATE ME? ! IT’S BECAUSE T HATE THE OTHER THREE GUYS. Dilbert.com [email protected] 0412 e202 Scot Adame ne OeOUR STRATEGY OF PREDICTABLE MEDIOCRITY PAID OFF AGAIN. } IT'S OKAY GOOD NEWS! OUR BIGGEST COMPETITOR JUST WENT OUT OF BUSINESS! TO CALL IT GENIUS. Dilbertcom [email protected] i | ; 5 ;| & = a 2 S Zs z = a oO 2 @ & 2PERFORMANCE REVIEW THATS BECAUSE YOU KEEP CRITICIZING ME! NICE LEADERSHIP, YOU PERSPIRING PILE OF POUND CAKE! WAS THAT BETTER TINA, OR WORSE? T CANT YOU LACK CONFIDENCE. Dilbert.com [email protected] 10212 O20 Seat Adame Ine oaty oaONE OF YOUR. ENGINEERS CAME TO ME WITH A SUGGESTION. por! THE ONLY REASON T HAVE MIDDLE MAN— AGERS IS SO THIS NEVER HAPPENS. OTD C2012 Scot Adana Ine moO a Dilbert.com [email protected]DILBERT TAKE A LOOK AT THIS RESUME, HA HA! THIS GUY TS A PIECE (OF WORK! BY SCOTT ADAMS LIE... LIE EXAGGERATION. MISSPELLING. BAD FORMAT. WORKED ON FATLED PRODUCTS. (OOH! HE'S ‘ALSO A CHAMPION SALSA DANCER, WHAT A TOOL! WATT. WHY ARENT. YOU JOINING IN THE TRADITIONAL MOCKING OF THE APPLICANT'S. RESUME? TM WAITING TO FIND OUT IF HE'S THE HANDSOME FELLOW STANDING BEHIND YOU. SCOOT OVER. YOURE BLOCKING MY VIEW OF A HANDSOME GUY.LOOKING AT YOUR HOMELY, MIDDLE— CLASS FACE MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL. NEVER. SPEAK DIRECTLY TO ME AGAIN. I DON’T KNOW i HOW TO SAY THIS. I DELICATELY $0 TLL JUST SAY IT. SOMETIMES I THINK THEY DON'T UNDER— STAND CAPITALISM. A? Dilbert com [email protected] (SD OBO? Soot Adams, Me.woo yeub@rewoovegvedia wor vediTHATE EVERY SUB— ATOMIC PARTICLE IN YOUR PALE, DOUGHY BODY. I HOPE THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE FALLS ON YOUR HEAD SO YOU DIE IRONICALLY. CAROL, IF YOU HAVE. ANY ISSUES, JUST BE HONEST. DON’T LET ANYTHING FESTER. INEED TO RETHINK MY NO— FESTERING : 8 5 8 8 4 é 2 a : i : 3 [Oia zor Soot Adams, estWE DON’T NEED A DISCOVERABLE RECORD OF YOU DESCRIBING OUR ADVERTISING PLAN AS “PINOCCHIO DOING THE BACKSTROKE IN PLEASE STOP USING EMAIL TO EXPRESS YOUR COLORFUL OPINIONS OF OUR MARKETING CAMPAIGN. REMEMBER THAT CAPITALISM WITHOUT DENIABILITY IS THE SAME AS POVERTY. SATAN’S SEPTIC TANK.” e201 Soot Adams, In Dilbert com [email protected]OUR ONLY HOPE FOR LONG-TERM SURVIVAL IS TO INNOVATE IN WAYS THAT CANNI— BALIZE OUR CURRENT PRODUCTS. ? THE DOWNSIDE 1S THAT YOU'LL LOSE A FORTUNE IN CEO COMPENSATION WHEN OUR REVENUE DIPS IN THE SHORT RUN. THANKS. ILL STOP BY YOUR HOVEL LATER WITH SOME IDEAS FOR RUINING YOUR LIFE. TOO. Dilbert.com [email protected] T0207 o20I2 Soot Adams, tne oeDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS TNEED YOU TO MOVE SOME OF TTS NO ONE WILL TAKE WILL PEOPLE TAKE US CLOUDWASH OUR Ig] FUNCTIONS ONTO THE US SERTOUSLY UNLESS SERTOUSLY TF WE MAKE SOFTWARE. INTERNET. BUT CALL WE'RE DOING SOME— TECHNOLOGY DECISIONS THE INTERNET A CLOUD. THING IN THE CLOUD, BASED ON JARGON? WEDONT CARE UAT { 00 YoU BELIEVE T IR SOFT — THERE ARENT THAT Le" customers. UARETO TRE CLOUD (AN a ee YESTERDAY: BELTEVE ANYTHING.TT MUST BE AWKWARD SITTING HERE NOW, ARE YOU TRYING TO CONCOCT A PLAUSIBLE EXCUSE FOR IGNORING MY MESSAGES? ‘HERE'S THE GUY WHO HASN'T RESPONDED TO ANY OF MY SEVENTEEN EMAILS, NINE TEXTS, AND FOUR VOICEMAILS. SAY HELLO. TO KARMA, Dilbert com [email protected] 10-252 ala Soom Adams, Ine ey Umar ekYOU HAVEN'T RETURNED ANY OF MY MESSAGES, $0 I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF MAKING A DEATH CERTIFICATE FOR YOU. ILL JUST STAPLE IT TO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD SO EVERYONE CAN SEE IT. ARE WE GOOD HERE? Dilbert.com [email protected] 102412 2012 Seon Adama Ine Say NarnI FORGET TO WEAR PANTS. . . wy ‘= FE w z $ y EzTERRIFIC. IT’S NINE MONTHS LATE AND ALL YOU DID WAS SIGN WHAT T WROTE. I THINK IT ALSO READ IT, BUT IM NOT 100% POSITIVE. I FINISHED YOUR PERFORMANCE REVIEW. [email protected] i : ; 2 i jDILBERT =. AND THATS OUR MARKETING PLAN FOR THE COMING YEAR ‘OR ARE YOU JUST GENERALLY OPPOSED TO SCIENCE, RATIONAL THINKING, AND ALL MANIFESTATIONS OF COMMON SENSE? RESEARCH SHOWS: THAT CONSUMERS: REJECT THIS SORT ‘OF APPROACH. ‘STOP BEING PEDANTIC WITH YOUR SEMANTICS. RESEARCH 18 STUPID, BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘ARE YOU SAYING THE STUDIES ON THIS PARTICULAR TOPIC ARE FLAWED?OR WE COULD COME. UP WITH STRATEGIES THAT THAT MAKE SENSE. SOUNDS: THEN EMPLOYEES: HARDER. WOULD EMBRACE WERE HIRING A DIRECTOR OF CHANGE MANAGEMENT TO HELP EMPLOYEES EMBRACE STRATEGIC CHANGES. Dilbert.com [email protected]Tol TY OM THE OTHE! THINGS . EVOLVING INTO Al LAZY, YOU MENTIONED. THIEVING, TOXIC SABOTEUR.YOU BOTH ASSURED ME THAT EVERYONE WOULD BE WEARING A COSTUME TO WORK SPENT HOURS PUTTING TOGETHER MY COSTUME AS AN ANGRY CAT IN LEDERHOSEN! T HATE YOU BOTH! SHOULD IT’S WE TELL FUNNIER HIM? TF WE Dot Dilbert.com [email protected] [Oar ©2012 Scot Adena noeWERE THINKING OF MOVING FROM A CUBICLE WORKPLACE TO AN OPEN FLOOR Is THAT BECAUSE YOU DID SOME RESEARCH AND DISCOVERED THAT THE OPEN FLOOR PLAN IS THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN WHAT WE HAVE NOW? ‘62012 Soot Adams, Ne osreyUnaran ck g EI 5 8 8 2 g a e 8 : 2ACCORDING TO YOUR RESUME, YOU'VE ONLY HAD ENOUGH DATABASE EXPERIENCE TO BE AN INCOMPETENT MENACE. HOW MANY HOURS HAVE 1 DON'T YOU PRAC— LIKE TICED DOING WHERE INTERVIEWS? Roe Is STUDIES SHOLJ THAT IT TAKES 10,000 HOURS OF FOCUSED PRACTICE TO BECOME AN EXPERT. AT ANYTHING. IEADING. 5 iS 5 2 8 g g 2 a : i i I-12 ©20re Soom Adams Ine om by wrenDILBERT THE FIRST. QUESTION ON THE EMPLOYEE SURVEY $0... YOU FEEL, LIKE THE (DO YOU FEEL YOU ARE VALUED AND TREATED, WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY? You ‘FEEL LIKE A SHOE. FEEL LIKE THAT HAS GROSS STUFF THE GROSS ON THE BOTTOM AND A SWEATY FOOT SHOVED ‘ALL THE WAY TO THE END OF ITS SOLE. r H | 4 BY SCOTT ADAMS YOU KNOW HOW SOME TIMES YOU STEP IN SOMETHING GROSS AND THEN YOU HAVE TO WIPE, ‘IT OFF YOUR SHOE WITHA PAPER TOWEL? my OPIN— TONS DONT MATTER?TS TO KNOW STED THE NEW 3—-D PRINTER YET. Dilbert.com [email protected] 1-542 62012 Seow Adams, Int hymnal takDilbertcom [email protected] Tsoi ©20r2 Soon Adams, Nobu ty aaTHEY HOPE YOU GET RUN OVER BY A CLOWN CAR BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE YOUR DEMISE EXTRA FUNNY. T HEAR MUMBLING BUT NO ONE IS THERE! YOUR EMPLOYEES HATE YOUR CARB— FATTENED GUTS. Dilbertcom [email protected] TITI2 ©2012 ScoT Adame, Ine72s. 0 era uoT INVENTED A FILTER THAT CAN TURN RAW SEWAGE INTO PURE DRINKING WATER IN SECO! THE CLEAN WATER ENDS UP HERE IN THE UPPER CONTAINER. INDS. Dilbert com [email protected] eB ©2012 Soon Adams, Inc.comITs WITH ALL NOT AS OUE RESPECT, GOOD YOU DON'T AS IT KNOW HOW SOUNDS. LOW MY ) AMBITIONS TED, IM PUTTING YOU ON A NINETY—DAY PERFORMANCE IM— PROVEMENT PLAN. YES!!! I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF MAKING IT ONTO THE PERFOR— MANCE ce ARE. Dilbert.com [email protected] 110-2 ©2012 ScOK Adams, Ine or usa UaADILBERT EXECUTION TS A GAME OF INCHES! YOU MISS 1003 OF THE SHOTS: YOU DONT TAKE! T DIED ON, THE INSIDE YEARS AGO. INNOVATION 15 EVERYONE'S FULL— TIME JOB! BE THE DOG, NOT THE TATL! NOW 1™ JUST A FLESHY CONTAINER FULL OF COFFEE AND EXCELLENCE 15 THE ONLY MARKET THAT ISNT CROWDED! THIS GUY WAS BORN \WITHOUT A SOUL. THE ‘SHE -DEVIL AT THE END 1S THE CHEMICAL FORMULA FOR HATRED, BY SCOTT ADAMS WHY DONT. ANY OF YOU LOOk INSPIRED BY MY LEADERSHIP? T DRILLED UNTIL T HIT BILE,TODAY I LIVED LIKE A SULTAN WHILE YOU SLAVED AWAY IN YOUR CUBICLE PRISON. IT HAD A GREAT DAY. NOW IT’S I™M YOUR TURN. POSITIVE REMEMBER I WANT TO BE You TO POSITIVE. DIE. A GOOD LEADER HAS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE AND SPREADS IT BY EXAMPLE. Dilbert.com [email protected] # i i 5 : feTM WEARING MY ANTI-CO-WORKER, SUIT TO WORK TODAY. CACAS NOISES NG HEAD— PHONES. BLINDERS, AND PADDING SO I CAN’T FEEL TAPS ON MY SHOULDER. MR. WATSON — DON’T. COME HERE — I DON’T NEED YOU. Dilbert.com [email protected] IFWe12_e20i2 Seon Adams, Ine a hy imnaiemIS THAT THE SAME AS SAYING OUR STRATEGY IS TO HAVE NO STRATEGY? OUR NEW STRATEGY IS TO BE NIMBLE. Dilbert.com [email protected] WIS" e012 Scott Adams, ING a. UnSORRY. I GET EXCITED WHEN PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS THAT 1 KNOL HOW TO SOLVE. Dilbert.com [email protected] Wi 07012 Seow Adams, Ie by reat ckNOW WE MAKE ALL OF Guess «IT’S OKAY. omominaaate, || ues, Yee TO IDIOTS WHO WILL Marenvew FORGET THEY BOUGHT THEM, WOOT—WOOT! OUR MARGINS ARE $0 LOW THAT WE GAVE UP TRYING TO MAKE MONEY THAT WAY. Dilbert.com [email protected]DILBERT (00 YOU HAVE A. MINUTE TO ANSWER ‘AN ENGINEERING ‘QUESTION? MY WIFE TS OUT (OF TOWN VISITING HER SISTER, ‘SHE ASKED ME TO PUT UP THE HOLIDAY LIGHTS WHILE SHE, WAS GONE. BY SCOTT ADAMS T HIRED A HOMELESS GUY TO 80 TT AND HE FELL OFF THE ROOF. WHATS THE EASIEST WAY TO GET RID OF THE BODY BEFORE MY WIFE COMES HOME? YOUR QUESTION IS DISTURBING, BUT T™| INTRIGUED BY THE ENGINEERING PART. HERE'S A DESIGN, FOR A CATAPULT. YOU CAN BUILD AT AND HERE'S A SATELLITE MAP SHOWING THE BEST FLIGHT PATH TO A, NEIGHBOR'S POOL. DIE RIGHT || A BROKEN.AND MAYBE THE CHARGERS COULD BREAK AFTER TWO FOR EXAMPLE, YOU COULD DESIGN YOUR PRODUCT TO HAVE A TERRIBLE BATTERY LIFE, THEN SELL EXTRA CHARGERS FOR TEN ‘YOU NEED TO HAVE MORE “GOTCHA” FEES. THAT'S HOW ATRLINES: MAKE THEIR MONEY. TIMES YOUR COST. A \ Dilbert;com [email protected] 8-12. 02012 Seow Adams, Ine Ostby wna‘CONTRA— BILITY DICTORY IS THE NONSENSE. KEY TO 112012 ©2012 Seott Adams, Ineo Ue aeHOW'S THAT WORK IT STOPPED BY WHEN THE EMPLOYEE TO DO SOME IS MORE CAPABLE THAN COACHING. THE COACH IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY? LETS START WITH Your SATD ATTITUDE. ANGRY GUY. NZI. ©2012 ScOW Adams, InGootH Ui ekT SEE MYSELF AS. MORE OF A LEADER THAN A MANAGER. THAT‘S WHAT ALL BAD MANAGERS SAY. hee WHAT ALL JERKS SAY. HONEST. Dilbert.com [email protected] 122-2 ©2012 Scott Ades, Inc, arAVP WHO TALKED TO HIS VP WHO TALKED TO HIS SVP WHO TALKED TO THE CEO. F231 ©2012 SoOn Adams Ina Os. Una Laen Dilbertcom — [email protected]...NO MANAGEMENT SUPPORT, AMBIGUOUS GOALS, NO BUDGET, AND AN ANGRY TEAM OF OVERWORKED PEOPLE WHO WANT IT TO DIE? W252 ©2012 Soon Adams, Ineo) era 3 5 8 5 a 5 8 HDILBERT ‘SECOND, OUR CEO IS FIRST ON THE AGENDA, . WERE STANDARDIZING [95] caver \ CONTEST. to ALL SCREEN SAVERS TO BE OUR COMPANY LOGO. IT’S TOO SOON! IT'S JUST TOO SOON! TNOMINATE THE NEW SCREEN— SAVER RULE. BY SCOTT ADAMS YOU CANT NOMINATE THAT ONE. IT'S TOO NEW. NOMINATE WHATEVER IS, NEXT ON THEDO YOU HAVE MORE WORTHLESS ASSIGN— MENTS IT COULD DO BEFORE I SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP? T DON'T KNOW HOW, 100 IT. [REALLY DON’T. I ASSUME IT’S A FORM OF INSANITY. T COMPLETED THE BUSYWORK YOU ASSIGNED TO ME AND I™ STILL CHEERFUL! Dilbert.com [email protected] [i262 e20re Scomt Adams, nce rw rk‘YOUR COMPENSATION GET BACK WILL BE BASED ON ACHIEVING THESE GOALS. AWESOME. IT’S LIKE. WRITTEN PERMISSION TO IGNORE EVERYTHING ELSE YOU ASK ME TO DO. Dilbert.com [email protected] 1125.1 ©2012 Sco Ada, IN a arrWHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS YOUR BIGGEST FAULT? T ALSO TELL THE TRUTH. IT’S NOT A GOOD COMBINATION. TLIKE TO SNEAK : INTO PEOPLE'S I CUBICLES AND GO THROUGH THEIR DRAWERS. Dilbertcom [email protected] Dra e202 Soot Adams, ine.DILBERT ‘T WOULD LIKE TO. BE EVALUATED ON MY OUTPUT, NOT THE HOURS I WORK, TD ALSO LIKE TO WORK ON LONG—TERM. PROJECTS THAT HAVE NO NEAR-TERM DELIVERABLES. OKAY. THAT ‘SOUNDS REASONABLE. } HOLY GRAIL, HOLY GRAIL, HOLY GRAIL. ‘AND I'D ALSO LIKE TO WORK AT HOME WHERE THERE ARE FEWER DISTRACTIONS ‘80 T CAN BE MORE PRODUCTIVE, GO BACK TO YOUR, CUBICLE AND DON'T LEAVE UNTIL FIVE OCLOCK, BY SCOTT ADAMS REALLY? TMEAN TWAS THIS CLOSE TO RETIRING AT FULL PAY.MY BOSS IS A POINTY— HAIRED LOSER, BUT HE’S SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN HE'S BEING INSULTED RIGHT TO HIS FACE. WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE YOUR CURRENT JOB? Im LOOKING TO IMPROVE ON THAT SITUATION. r) Dilbert.com _ [email protected] 1233 702 Seow Adams, Ine.omge ef ee 4INEED YOU TO ASSEMBLE A HUGE AMOUNT OF TOTALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE DATA. NO ONE oii a ABOUT THIS. FEEL GOOD. MAKE IT BORING $0 NO ONE LOOKS AT IT TOO CLOSELY. IM AIMING FOR QUANT— ITY OVER QUALITY. [email protected] j | i & £ ih iALICE, DO ‘YOU HAVE ANY VALUABLE CAREER ADVICE? Dilbert.com [email protected] WORK SO HARD THAT IT DESTROYS: WOULDN'T YOU DIDN'T YOUR HEALTH AND THAT MAKE ASK FOR. CROWDS OUT ANY DAES HAPPINESS: CHANCE OF HAVING UNHAPPY? ADVICE. A PERSONAL LIFE.CAROL, I CAN'T GIVE YOU A RAISE THIS YEAR BECAUSE YOU DIDNT SHOW ENOUGH INITIATIVE. I JUST FORMED A GRASS-ROOTS MOVE— MENT TO CONVINCE THE GOVERNMENT TO RAISE TAXES ON PEOPLE AT YOUR INCOME LEVEL. Dilbert.com [email protected] 2-3-2 e201? Seon Adams, ING aby mea ckDILBERT WE CAN MAKE THIS. ‘A GREAT PLACE TO. WORK BY FOLLOWING THE GOLDEN RULE. WOULD You LIKE TT TF SOMEONE GAVE YOU A HUNDRED DOLLARS? TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WANT THEM TO TREAT YOU, OKAY. $0 GIVE ME A HUNDRED) DOLLARS. ‘OR ELSE FOREVER LIVE AS A HYPOCRITE WHO DOESN'T FOLLOW HIS OWN DUMB RULE. BY SCOTT ADAMS ATLEAST. YOURE1S THAT BECAUSE HE’S TOO INCOMPETENT TO ELIMINATE OBVIOUS REDUNDANCIES OR IS HE JUST LYING? CAN A BRAIN You Give PARASITE ME MORE 1S MAKING HIM SAY CHOICES? ‘STUPID ‘STUFF? OUR CEO HAS. PROMISED THAT THE MERGER WILL CAUSE NO LAYOFFS. \ y Dilbert.com [email protected] [21002 701? Soot Adams, Ic,AS A REWARD FOR YOUR YEARS OF HARD WORK, FEEL FREE TO USE ONE OF OUR CARD— BOARD BOXES TO GET YOUR JUNK OUT TED, THE MERGER HAS MADE YOUR JOB REDUNDANT. UH-OH. IT LOOKS LIKE WE FORGOT TO HIDE THE GOOD Dilbert.com — [email protected] Tez0r2 Scom Adams, Ine, oy OnealTM DOING FOUR HOURS A NIGHT TOO BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: CORRELATION IS THE SAME THING AS CAUSATION, SOME OF THE MOST FAMOUS GENIUSES IN THE WORLD SLEPT ONLY FOUR HOURS PER NIGHT. OH, RIGHT, NO ORE AND T SHOULD TAKE THE wa WORD OF AN ( oveRsteerer. Dilbert com [email protected] [Zz 12 02012 Soot Adams, IneI DONT KNOW IF I SHOULD FOCUS ON MY STRENGTHS OR STRENGTHEN MY WEAKNESSES. OR SHOULD I HAVE A BIAS FOR ACTION AND NOT WASTE TIME SHARPENING ANY OF MY SKILLS? Dilbert com [email protected] (De ©2012 Scot Adame, Ina ety Umea UkUSELESS MEETING. . . Ke BUSYWORK... MAKE Serene a MISLEADING POWER- UGTIVITY mocKING Y POINT SLIDES... AND TODAY? me . ANOTHER USELESS : MEETING. 7 LET’S SEE WHAT'S | ON MY “TO DO” LIST FOR TODAY. } Dilbert.com [email protected] i e 3 é $NO, BECAUSE YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS ARE SO POOR THAT I HAD NO IDEA I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO A TASK. DID YOU FINISH THE TASKS WE TALKED ABOUT IN THE LAST MEETING? Dilbert.com [email protected] (24512 62012 Seom Adams Ine (= orien ceDILBERT LET'S MEET BEFORE THE. PROJECT MEETING TO GO OVER A FEW THINGS. ‘BUT THAT WONT WORK BECAUSE POOR, PLANNING ISN'T THE. CAUSE OF MY CHRONIC LATENESS, ‘WE CHRONICALLY. LATE PEOPLE KNOW WHEN WERE BEING TL MAKE PEOPLE WAIT FINE. TLL FOR ME BECAUSE I SEE YOU || NICE TRY. ENTOY THE POWER AND AT THE || L KNOW THE TDONT CARE ABOUT PROJECT || MEETING TS ANYONE'S FEELINGS. MEETING ||_ AT 10:30. AT TEN, BY SCOTT ADAMS YOUR, PRE-MEETING IS. A TRICK TO GET ME TO ‘SHOU UP ON TIME FOR THE REAL MEETING. THAT. ATTITUDE WHY T DONT LIKE PEOPLE,OH, REALLY? WELL, I SHOULD HOP ALL OVER YOU FOR SAYING THAT! YOUR WORK HISTORY SUGGESTS THAT YOU MIGHT BE A JOB— HOPPER. Dilbert.com [email protected] IDiR2 ©2012 Soot Adame, tn./Oe Wy bier UeT.NEED A SECOND OPINION ON A JOB APPLICANT. PASSIONATE OR TF HE HAS RAGE ISSUES. 47 i \ Dilbert com [email protected] (218-2 ©2012 Seon Adams, IN. ey Umar UtBEFORE I MAKE MY DECISION, ID LIKE TO ASK FOR YOUR OPINIONS. AND YOU TO MARE YOU ACTUALLY IM HOPING 4 - PLAN TO FEEL “ENGAGED. heen TO US? [email protected] E 8 gT HEARD WORDS T TRY DIDN'T GIVING KNOL WERE HER MORE. WORDS. ENGAGE— OUR CEO SAYS T NEED TO MOTIVATE YOU WITH A FEELING OF ENGAGEMENT, NOT HIGHER PAY. THE LONG-TERM. GOAL IS TO GET YOU TO PAY US FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF WORK— ING HERE. Dilbert.com [email protected] B20 12 6202 Soot Adams Inc Ost UrealvcckDilbertcom [email protected] 12-2112 620% Scow Adame, Ine/De.0/ wreakOUCH! STUPID BAD WALK APPLE! = IT OFF. THE BAD APPLE YOU HIRED IS RUINING THE REST OF US. JUST WALK IT OFF, YOU BIG BABY. I WANT SOLUTIONS, NOT PROBLEMS. Dilbert com [email protected] 22242 ©2012 Soon Adame, Ine by Umar UoDILBERT DID YoU FIND THE ‘SNAKE IN YOUR CUBICLE? PUT IT THERE BE— CAUSE IM TRYING TO MOTIVATE YOU WITH A CULTURE OF FEAR, BY SCOTT ADAMS | THAT ONLY WORKS IN THE SHORT TERM! ‘$0 GET TO WORK. AND BY THE WAY. ONE OF THE URINALS. 1S ELECTRIFIED. ‘A LEADER TAKES THE FIRST STEP WITHOUT KNOWING ‘WHERE THE NEXT STEP WILL BE. IT’S ONLY SET TO STUN, SO DONT BE A BABY ABOUT IT. HIS OFFICE PLANT TS CLEAR,T HIRED THE DOGBERT AD COMPANY TO BUILD SOME DECEPTIVE AND ABUSIVE ADS FOR OUR MOBILE APP. Dilbert.com [email protected] T PREFER TO CALL QUR ADS “EFFECTIVE.” IT MEANS THE SAME i : : i a OUR MOST EFFECTIVE AD LOOKS LIKE A TEXT MESSAGE FROM YOUR DOCTOR SAYING HE CAN'T STOP CRYING.NOTHING TO UNWRAP, NOTHING TO CLUTTER THE HOUSE, NOTHING TO RETURN, NOTHING TO ASSEMBLE, AND NOT A SINGLE THING TO FEEL YOu TOTALLY GET ME. MERRY CHRISTMAS. IGOT YOU THE GIFT OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. T WAS, THE LEAST GUILTY ABOUT. Dilbert.com [email protected] IZ 2512 oat Sook Adame, ine. by mwa be a iYOU'RE A MISERABLE HUMAN BEING AND T HOPE YOU DIE INA LONG, pee WAY! SY ASOK, I NEED TO TEACH YOU TO BE MORE ASSERTIVE IN MEETINGS. THOPE YOU DIE QUICKLY? Dilbert.com [email protected] 2261202012 Soot Adams, ING oat veraT MAKE FRIENDLY SUGGESTIONS ABOUT HOW PEOPLE COULD WASTE LESS OF MY TIME AND IT LOOKS LIKE BULLYING. Roar JUST A FRIENDLY ASTIME SUGGESTION © JACK You COULD w lel Dilbert.com [email protected] 1227-2 2012 Scott Adams, In. tyres ekI’M REORGANIZING THE COMPANY AND GIVING EVERY MANAGER A NEW JOB. Dilbert.com [email protected] 1227-2 ©2012 Soot Adams, ine,DILBERT T FINISHED GHOST— WRITING YOUR, AUTOBIOGRAPHY. WHAT ABOUT MY VISION AND MY INTUITION? “TWAS: RIDICULOUSLY LUCKY. THE END.” MY FIRST DRAFT HAD A CHAPTER ON YOUR. HALLUCINATIONS AND MAGICAL THINKING. } TWAS HOPING YOUD INCLUDE SOMETHING ‘ABOUT ALL OF MY HARD WORK. BUT T COVERED THAT GROUND WITH THE TITLE “TMA DELUSIONAL SOCIO— PATH AND YOU CAN. TOO” BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘YOU DIDN'T WORK ANY HARDER THAN YOUR GARDENER, AND HE LIVES IN HIS, IM STARTING TO REGRET PAYING YOU ‘IN ADVANCE.HE USED TO LEAVE WHEN HE WAS DONE READING THE PAPER. BUT HE SWITCHED TO AN TPAD AND NOW HE DOESN’T KNOW WHEN HAVE HES BEEN NOU IN THE SEEN MEN’S ROOM WALLY? FOR TWO HE’S FINISHED. f 5 g Dilbert.com [email protected]