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VIENNA

- where love is diagnosed as terminal

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CorPorate traveller
SUMMER 2015

by Scott Alexander Young

Vienna Now or Never

runs the slogan of the
Viennese Tourism Board.
The catchphrase sounds
good, I suppose, without
actually having to mean
anything. Instead, I have
a modest proposal: How
about Vienna - Time
and Time Again.

ravellers can fall in love with Vienna at first

sight, or keep on discovering its treasures
for a lifetime. I was on my umpteenth visit
when I fell for the Austrian capital in a major
way. Now its a terminal case, as they say.
Perhaps its because I live only three hours away by
train in Budapest, but for a long time I regarded Vienna
with the suspicion one might reserve for a wealthy
relative with no interest in ones wellbeing.
I travelled there this time with a most delightful
companion, whom I shall call La Contessa for the
purposes of this tale, and the scales finally fell from my
Mittel European-jaded eyes.
It didnt hurt that we stayed in one of the nicest boutique
hotels Ive ever encountered. The Hotel Altstadt, located a
short walk from many of the main attractions in the city
centre, is a successful fusion of aesthetic considerations
with the best in home comforts. The rooms are like suites
and are palatial, as befits a building steeped in so much
history. At one stage after the Second World War, for
example, this grand old manor was a halfway house for
refugees and migrs from all over Central Europe.
Wed hardly guess so today, with its snazzy Philippe
Starck and Wittman furniture and fittings, and works of
art, including a genuine Warhol, on the walls. My only
regret is that on the last night of our stay, our bed was so
comfortable we slept through my alarm and missed out
on their delicious breakfast. I certainly missed having my
Prosecco Italian sparkling white wine and mango juice, a
veritable breakfast of champions.
In any case, the Altstadt was the perfect base from
which to explore the city. Within easy walking distance is the
Hofsburg, the sprawling complex of palaces, administrative
buildings and gardens that was the headquarters for the
Austro-Hungarian Hapsburg monarchy for centuries.
At a quick sketch, the Imperial Treasury houses
the crown jewels and the so-called Spear of Destiny,
embedded in which is the nail supposed to have pierced
Christs right hand.
Meanwhile, a ticket to the Kaiserappartements
(Emperors Apartments) includes the increasingly
popular Sisimuseum (Sisi Museum). These quarters
afford some insight into the lives of Emperor Franz
Joseph and his wife, Elizabeth of Bavaria (known
affectionately as Sisi).
She was a great beauty apparently, the Princess
Diana/Queen of Hearts of her time, and something of a
cult figure for both American and Japanese tourists, for
reasons that are not entirely clear to me.
The prancing white Lipizzaner stallions of the
Spanish Riding School give regular demonstrations at
the Hofburg, as do the boy sopranos and altos of the
Vienna Boys Choir. If were wondering what Buckingham
Palace might be like without an actual royal family
residing within, this will clue us in. Its interesting to note
that the absence of actual monarchs doesnt seem to
have deterred tourism by one iota.

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a sense of so much history, culture, art, music, society

and life condensed into a few square kilometres from
Roman ruins underfoot at Hoher Markt Square to a visit
to Caf Central, a hangout of Lenin, Trotsky, Freud and
er, Adolf Hitler.
Now its a nice place for a caf melange and the
morning papers.
Perhaps I didnt realise, in my ignorance, the rich
repository of great artworks in the city of Vienna.
Thus, after the gardens at Schnbrunn we made
our way to another sprawling chateau, the Belvedere.
It was builtin the 18th century asa summer residence
for Prince Eugene of Savoy, a French-born general who
helped save Vienna from the invading Ottoman Turks.
His statue, rampant on horseback, is at the Hofburg.
After admiring the beautifully manicured gardens, we
went inside to sample an art gallery running the gamut
from Klimt and Munch to the old masters, including
sketches by Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo.
Whether Prince Eugene would have approved of the
famous painting by the Technicolor turncoat JacquesLouis David of that upstart Napoleon crossing the Alps
is a moot point.
The Mona Lisa of the Belvedere however, meaning
the painting everyone comes to see, is the Gustav Klimt
masterpiece of two lovers, popularly known as The Kiss.
The gold-cloaked embrace that has adorned
countless student bedrooms is nevertheless stunning
when at last seen for real. As with works by his protg,
Egon Schiele, one is struck by a certain unhinged quality,
but also how contemporary it seems, over 100 years on.

A place in town, a place in the country - that was the

old regal/aristocratic living arrangement. On that note, it
was time to visit Schnbrunn Palace and Gardens, which
would have been on the outskirts of Vienna when they
were built.
This former summer residence of emperors and
kings was arguably the Hapsburgs riposte to Versailles,
and is the most popular spot for travellers in Austria.
But we baulk at the idea of traipsing through an endless
succession of more than 1000 staterooms.
I side with the 20th century art historian and
television pundit Kenneth Clark, who said: I wonder if
a single thought that has helped forward the human
spirit has ever been conceived or written down in an
enormous room: except, perhaps, in the reading room
of the British Museum.
Useful and inspiring thoughts might have been
hatched in Schnbrunns gardens, where we took a
leisurely stroll. Well, there was a little huff and puff on
the incline up to the Gloriette pavilion, but it was worth
it for the breathtaking views of Schnbrunn, its gardens
and the Neptune fountains - quite the water feature and all of Vienna sprawling below.
Empress Maria Theresa used to be ferried up here
every morning for breakfast, La Contessa informed me
as we snacked on strudel at the Caf Gloriette.
Did she indeed, the lucky cow?
How or why La Contessa puts up with this wild,
colonial boy is beyond me, but Im just glad she does.
Compact is often used to describe this metropolis,
but perhaps compressed is more accurate. We have

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Then theres the Albertina Art Museum. One of the

best in the world, it took my umpteenth visit to Vienna
to come to that rather obvious conclusion. We took in an
exhibition based on Blow-Up, the archetypal, trippy 1960s
film by Michelangelo Antonioni, and another exhibition
called From Monet to Picasso, which did exactly what it
said on the tin, so to speak. There were so many iconic
artworks from the last 140 years it was overwhelming.
And indeed all that culture can make a couple thirsty.
At least it had that salubrious effect on us. Id been
looking forward to beginning our reconnaissance of the
citys American bars.
American in this context means sitting at a long bar,
rather than just tables and chairs where waiters bring
pitchers of ale, which had been the approved Austrian
style up until the early 1900s. Adolf Loos (pronounced
Loss), a modernist architect with a scandalous private
life, designed the Loos Bar in 1908.
Stepping inside the bar he designed in Bakelite and
mahogany, with chintz lighting and deep shadows, was like
leaving the 21st century outside, roasting in the July sun. Loos
also boasts some of the best damned bartenders in Vienna.
Our favourite is a handsome, convivial young
Pole named Matthew, who serves us strawberries,
champagne and dry-as-a-bone martinis with a twist - my
idea of a perfectly balanced lunch, in other words.
Its a small bar, and due to the Austrian resistance
against the smoking bans that prevail in the former
smoking sections of Europe (Poland and Hungary, for
example) it must get quite smoggy in here on a winters
evening.

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CorPorate traveller
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Not far away on Krugerstrae, non-smokers will

enjoy Krugers, a much larger American bar in a similarly
ornate style, established in 1911 and with a sealed
smoking section out the back.
Another brisk stroll and we arrive at Caf Danieli, an
Italian restaurant we unhesitatingly recommend for a
business dinner or a romantic meal.
This establishment,I would hazard, serves the finest
deliciously creamy and yet delicate lobster bisque
between here and Trieste (the old Austro-Hungarian
empire Italian port town).
My main course of veal lasagne on a spinach base
was similarly well constituted and very reasonably
priced at 16 euros. What am I doing recommending an
Italian restaurant in an Austrian town? Well, having a
good time for one thing, but also proving a point about
how cosmopolitan a city Vienna is.
That said, unless were ardent vegans on a glutenfree diet, someone in Vienna is bound to find a way to
get us to eat wiener schnitzel, followed by apple strudel.
For the best of that kind of fare, try Zum weissen
Rauchfangkehrer, also known as The White Chimney
Sweep. The explanation for the name is that in Central
Europe, chimney sweeps are meant to bring good luck.
A sweep who was not completely covered in soot was
very lucky indeed.
I was ready to get a bit sooty myself, and so the
following evening I had a night off for bad behaviour
while La Contessa sought out beauty treatments.
I followed my nose to the Bermudadreieck, that is to
say, the so-called Bermuda Triangle. Urban legend dating

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all the way back to the 1980s, I should think, would have
us believe that its easy to get lost in its winding alleys
and cobblestone streets as you stumble from one bar
to another.
Wed have to pour down a lot of drinks to get that
disorientated, and for the most part its full of drunken
backpackers singing karaoke and comparing their
hipster tattoos. (Sadly, I think that describes most of
Europe during high summer).
If we do go that way, we should seek out Krah Krah,
with the macaw parrots and neon green sign on the
outside, and a long bar with 50 beers on tap inside.
Good, noisy, proletarian fun is to be found here, along
with serviceable pub grub for less than 10 euros to soak
up the suds.
On a more sober note, less than a minutes walk
away we find security guards patrolling outside the
Stadttempel, the one and only synagogue in the
German-speaking part of Europe to have survived the
Second World War.
If we want to go off the beaten cobblestone lane a
little bit, we would be better off exploring the up-andcoming Serviten quarter. That brings us to the second
of our hotel recommendations of this story - the Best
Western Harmonie Inn.
This place is another testament to how far the Best
Western brand has come in the last decade, (and they
still have the chutzpah not to change their retro-look
logo).
The dance artwork of one Luis Casanova Sorolla
certainly makes a splash throughout the hotel, which
may be our second favourite place to stay in Vienna.
The Serviten neighbourhood is only just off the main
tourist trail, but quiet enough for us to get a sense of
discovering it for ourselves. Its also home to the Freud
Museum. After so much Klimt, Munch and Schiele, I
finally grasped how in tune with Freuds philosophy, but
also the sexual anxiety and neuroses, these artists were.
Clearly, I will have to return to Vienna many more times
to make something more cogent from this observation.
Vienna Now or Never runs the slogan of the
Viennese Tourism Board. The catchphrase sounds good,
I suppose, without actually having to mean anything.
Instead, I have a modest proposal: How about
Vienna - Time and Time Again.
Scott Alexander Young visited Vienna with special
assistance from EuroBusways, an on-demand bus
service based in Hungary with destinations throughout
Central Europe.

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CorPorate traveller
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