Kristina Ambrosia Novella Opening January 24, 2004

Forget-Me-Nots

CHAPTER 1 Fall 2004 Paden After returning from the hospital, I walke to the kit!hen for a "oke, stopping at the glass sofa table in my parent#s foyer to pi!k up one of the silver$plate pi!ture frames% In it, my gran father sat in a hot pink ire!tor#s !hair !ra ling baby &ra!e in his arms% I looke own at the five$year$ol refle!tion of myself stan ing to the right of my

gran father% I ha an apple in one han , a broom in the other% I looke bore an annoye % 'attie stoo to the left of &ran pa pose in a !urtsey% (he was an eight year ol repli!a of (now )hite% I smile , remembering how 'attie always manage to talk &ran pa into being !ast, !ameraman, an !rew for our !hil hoo performan!es% *e helpe with soun effe!ts, !ostume !hanges an lots an lots of line prompting when we woul entertain for our parents% I use the bottom of my shirt to ust off the glass before setting the frame own between a bla!k an white portrait of my parents an a + by , pi!ture of my only nie!e, Au rey.

Ambrosia 2

Chapter 2 Spring 2002 Mattie -(e!on theater to the left% .n/oy the show,0 I sai for the umpteenth time that afternoon, as I tore off ti!ket stub after ti!ket stub, ire!ting moviegoers to the right or left% After the matinee !row , I approa!he my boss at the small "ineple1 where I worke % -'r% "arter, I#m taking off now if that#s okay% I have that au ition I tol you about, remember20 I grabbe my purse from un er the !an y !ounter an the s!ript I ha been pra!ti!ing from the little spa!e between the pop!orn ma!hine an the wall% "arter, mi le$age an bulging, i n#t even look up% *e was too busy unpa!king the new

shipments of (our 3at!h Ki s an (now!aps% -4m$huh,0 he mumble % -5u!k,0 he sai in the monotone way he sai everything% I pulle the Nova I# been riving sin!e high s!hool into the !row e parking lot% On!e insi e, I approa!he a woman seate at a long woo en table to get my au ition number% An hour an a half later I hear a voi!e !all out number 67% I entere an a /a!ent room an sang the s!ore -I 8eel 3retty0 from )est (i e (tory% In un er a

Ambrosia 7 minute, I walke out the oor, hea own, efeate again an torture by a voi!e on the

lou speaker !alling out -Number 64, Number 64%0 I ha gone from au ition to au ition for the past four years an to ate my biggest su!!ess ha been to play an e1tra on an after$s!hool spe!ial about a girl suffering from anore1ia% I ha playe a waitress in the ninety minute movie% I still !an remember the three lines I got to re!ite from the s!ript9 :)hat !an I get you to ay2 Are you sure, a water with lemon, sala ; no ressing, no !routons, that#s all2 Okay your foo will be right out%# As I pra!ti!e those lines I woul remin myself of my gran father#s wor s of wis om9 :<here are no small parts, only small a!tors%# I walke slowly out to my !ar, han s shove in my !oat po!kets as if I inten e to break through the material% I trie to remember what ha ever ma e me believe my gran father when he woul tell me, -One ay you#ll make it big, ki ; one ay you#ll make it big%0 Not to ay% = Chapter Three Grandpa -*ey starlet, how#s my girl2 .1!ite about the film festival20 I aske % -"an#t wait>what films of hers are they showing again2 )est (i e (tory, ?ebel )ithout a "ause, an %%%0 -(plen or in the &rass,0 I sai , finishing her senten!e% -I hope my rump oesn#t fall asleep sitting so long%0 I fostere a love in 'attie for the "lassi!s when she was a !hil % 'ovies like "iti@en Kane, <he King an I, &one with the )in % )ith 3a en an &ra!e, I ha to sit through hours an hours of (!ooby Aoo, <he (murfs, an (trawberry (hort!ake when I

Ambrosia 4 woul baby$sit% 'attie, though, whenever one of her sisters was off napping or playing with olls, woul !limb up into my lap, after putting on some sort of ress up outfit or ol *alloween !ostume an whine :big people <B% 3lease# an we# turn on some station rerunning !lassi! movies% -&ran pa, are you sure you on#t min going with me tonight2 I hear your neighbor Cetty say that they are starting a new water aerobi!s !lass tonight%0 -3lease, I !oul swim !ir!les aroun those ol farts% I# mu!h rather en/oy some goo movies with my favorite gran aughter than learn how to trea water% Although, I

must say that Cetty oes look pretty og gone goo in a swim suit%0 -3apa>you#re so ba %0 -5et me grab my teeth an we#ll be on our way%0 -(oun s goo % I#ll rive,0 sai 'attie% -Dou#re starting to soun like your mother now%0 -)e /ust worry about you, that#s all%0 -I#m perfe!tly !apable of riving%0 -I know you are, but I like to ri>0 -I#m riving young la y% Not another wor about it%0 *onest to &o % <hese ki s to ay think that /ust be!ause you#re over seventy you shit in iapers, wear bibs to !at!h your rool, an shoul have no in epen en!e% I#ve got more life left in me than most people half my age% I spent most of my life oing har labor in the steel mills, fighting in wars, an raising a respe!table family an now my gran ki s think I am unfit to rive a !ar% )hat#s ne1t2

Ambrosia +

Chapter Four Paden After spen ing the past few hours working Ean on a (atur ay, no lessF, I e!i e to take my "oke an win own on the !ou!h with the latest issue of "osmo% After being

a!!oste by page after page of beautiful women I e!i e it was time to ig out a yoga tape I ha bought last year /ust before New Dear#s% It ha been my resolution to !leanse min an bo y by pra!ti!ing yoga at least three times a week an so when I foun the tape shove un er the be , with a bun!h of unuse gym eGuipment, still in its plasti! wrapping I felt is!ourage % I returne to the living room an put the a!!ompanying yoga musi! !assette in the stereo an the tape in the B%"%?% thinking to myself that listening to songs like -Huiet (ha ows0 seeme the perfe!t way to ease into a rela1ing workout% I !oul n#t help but won er, however, what Guiet sha ows must soun like% Cefore long, a perfe!tly tone blon woman name Aebbie floate onto the s!reen% (he appeare to be on some tropi!al para ise as she lai out mats on a san y bea!h% I looke aroun my apartment !uriously% <he settings i n#t seem at all !omparable% I trie to listen to the instru!tions !oming from the s!reen, something about a position !alle -3rou )arrior0% -<urn your right foot so that it is at a I0 egree angle while keeping your left foot pointing straight ahea ,0 Aebbie sai % I followe the ire!tion with ease until more instru!tion was a e % I was ire!te to ben my right knee so that my knee!ap was parallel to my ankle an my left leg was straight% <his ma e the pose even more awkwar % Aebbie sai that 3rou )arrior is suppose to make one feel !onfi ent, strong, an prou %

Ambrosia 6 -*ol , an breathe>great /ob, keep hol ing>%now e1hale an inhale>an hol %0 As I felt my mus!les start to a!he I loosene the ben of my right knee a bit% )ho i Aebbie think she was anyways2 Ai goo ol# Aebbie know that this was the tape for beginners2 -Are we still hol ing an breathing folks ; be!ause we shoul be,0 Aebbie sai again, her voi!e growing in!reasingly annoying% I glan!e own at my feet% (hit, shit,

shit% I lost my position% Aebbie woul be so isappointe % <he ne1t pose was the Aog 3ose% I sat on my knees with my butt pressing into my heels, arms e1ten e , palms fa!e own on the floor an !urle my toes un er, raising my bo y up with my han s, butt pointing skywar , legs straight an hamstrings tight% 'y nose was pointe to the groun an my hea hanging between my arms when Jare walke in% -All you nee is a feather in your butt an you# be a go tease % -Aon#t sneak up on me like that, I thought you were napping%0 -&ame#s on% "hannel +0 please,0 he sai % -I#m in the mi le of something here% .(3N will show highlights of the game at least II times tonight an you know $ it woul n#t hurt for you to engage in some physi!al a!tivity on!e in awhile instea of wat!hing it all ay every ay on <%B%0 -<his le!ture on optimal health !oming from a girl panting so har she !an barely talk%0 amn tee pee,0 he

Ambrosia , -It#s !alle eep breathing, Jare , an it is part of the pro!ess,0 I sort of fibbe % It

was a part of the pro!ess, but I was efinitely panting as oppose to breathing eeply from the iaphragm% -3a en, for the love of &o , stop it% I !an#t talk to you while you#re oing that, although I !an think of some other interesting things to o while I#ve got you in that position%0 -3ig0 I sai as I release my position out of sheer fatigue an grabbe a pillow to toss at him% -Dou know, they really ought to put some kin of health warning on these tapes,0 I mumble to myself as I e/e!te the tape an grabbe a !igarette from the pa!k on the floor an lit one up%

= CHAPTER 5 Mattie .arlier that year when I foun out I was pregnant, my then boyfrien was Gui!k to e!i e that he was better suite to a life of singles bars, ba!helor pa s, an limite responsibility as oppose to bottles, iapers, an a !oli!ky baby% As my ue ate approa!he , 'r% "arter arrange for me to take the pla!e of one of the girls at the ti!ket win ow so I !oul sit instea of stan all ay% I ha never wavere in my e!ision to have the baby but when my water broke uring the ,900 show I pani!ke reali@ing that my role of mother woul now be a permanent one% 8or the first time in my life I was anything but !onfi ent that I !oul play the part% I !alle my mother to !ome pi!k me up

Ambrosia J as I was in no state to be behin the wheel% )hile waiting outsi e for my mother I won ere what kin of mother I !oul possibly turn out to be% Einsert two opposite movie mother typesF% <ears overwhelme me% 'y mother pulle up to the !urb freeing me from my an1iety in u!e role$playing% I opene the passenger si e oor% -Caby, why are you still !rying2 I tol you, we#ll get you through this% Dou#re going to be fine,0 'om sai , as we turne onto the e1pressway K0 minutes later% -I#m pregnant, how i this happen,0 I muttere in short breaths, tears mu my makeup% -I know you#re pregnant, 'attie% Dou#ve been that way for nine months now an I on#t think we nee to go over how it happene %0 -I !an#t o this% I !an#t% 'om, please on#t make me o this%0 -*onestly, *oney, what o you e1pe!t me to o2 I promise you it will be okay ; you#ll see%0 = An it turns out, it was more than okay% )hen I looke own into the eyes of the ying

newborn !urle up on my !hest I hesitate /ust a se!on , a split se!on before tou!hing her, won ering if I really !oul han le the responsibility of !aring for the little life lying on top of me% I was mesmeri@e by her little lips, pu!kere an su!king only on air% <he o!tor an nurses ha left the room an I was alone with my aughter, listening to the barely au ible soun of one little lip hitting the other, the soft inhale an e1hale of my baby#s breath% *ow funny it felt to have her little finger !len!he halfway aroun mine% (he looke like her whole bo y was blushing% I kept pressing lightly on her pink hue arm to see her skin turn white an revert right ba!k to pink% I !oul n#t e!i e whether I

Ambrosia I wante to keep !alling her name so that she might open her eyes enough for me to see the pier!ing blue or if I preferre to a ore the rhythm her breath ha as she slept% (he was flawless an I was in absolute awe if her% Awake or asleep, I !oul n#t take my eyes off her% Chapter 6 Grandpa 'y gran ki s were the only ki s on the blo!k who ever ha easter$egg !olore snow igloos% I took pri e in that% <he look on the girls# fa!es when I suggeste one winter afternoon that we spray paint the igloos they ha spent all morning !onstru!ting was hilarious% -Are you serious20 3a en aske eyeing me suspi!iously as if I was giving her some a ult e1planation she !oul n#t Guite grasp% -3apa, yes, yes, let#s o it% Dou#re too !ool,0 'attie sGueale with elight% -"an we o that2 *ow2 )ill we get in trouble from 'om an Aa 20 3a en aske , way too !onsume with !on!ern for su!h a little girl% Coth girls seeme to hol their breath, staring up at me, an waiting for a final okay% I pause e1tra long before answering an turne my !hin up as I move my hea from si e to si e as if I were !onsi ering a very weighty e!ision% <he anti!ipation on their fa!es was something I wish I !oul have !apture % -)ell 3apa, !an we2 Dou alrea y sai we !oul on!e so>0 'attie trie to persua e me% -)hy not,0 I sai -but only un er one !on ition%0

Ambrosia K0 <he girls looke worrie % -I get to pi!k whi!h !olor I want first,0 I sai grinning% <he two girls ouble over laughing, not believing their goo lu!k% <hey got to paint, a!tually paint their igloos an they a!tually ha se!ure the okay from an a ult to o so% An this, like so many other small events, be!ame tra ition%

Chapter Paden Jare an I ha /ust sat own to wat!h the movie we ha rente , an a!tion movie Efor himF with an un erlying love story Efor meF, when the phone rang% -5et the ma!hine get it,0 he sai as I starte to get up an he rea /uste his legs on the ottoman in front of the !ou!h% -*ey, it#s &ra!e% 'attie#s water broke% 'om#s at the hospital with her% Aa an I are hea e there shortly% "all my !ell>0 -*i,0 I sai out of breath from running to get the phone before she hung up% = )ithin the hour I was pa!ke % It took me eight hours to rive home, spee ing the whole way% I knew I ha to be there when 'attie gave birth% In our family, you on#t are miss a birth ay party for a se!on or even thir !ousin, let alone the birth of your sister#s first born baby% It was aroun mi night when I rea!he the half way mark an I ha planne to get off at the ne1t big e1it to get a !offee% 'y eyes were getting heavy an

Ambrosia KK I knew I# never get the through the rive without a !affeine ki!k% I preferre mine with !aramel toffee !reamer an two sweet$n$lows% <he song :Cuil me up Cutter!up# began playing on the ra io an I was su enly seven years ol again taking or ers from 'attie an!e routines with her to that

on !horeography% (he use to make me o these stupi

song, playing it over an over again until I performe the an!e moves to her satisfa!tion% &o , we were as ifferent as night an ay, an yet en uring the same parents, singing

un er the same "hristmas tree, an hearing the same ol stories share at ea!h family gathering ha given us the sort of bon that our ifferen!es !oul ben , but never break% (he#s, hopefully, the only one who will ever know or refer to me as pee$pee pants 3a en% An that, embarrassing as it is, says something% = I !oul tell whi!h room 'attie was in as soon as I rea!he the labor an elivery

floor of the hospital% I !oul hear Aa !heering for the "ubs three rooms own from the re!eption esk where my &ran father stoo boring some young nurse to eath talking about his !ovete !oin !olle!tion% 'y mom was at 'attie#s be si e trying her best to !alm 'attie#s nerves, an &ra!e sat in the waiting room rea ing D'% <wo hours later mom !ame out an prou ly announ!e that she ha a gran aughter% <he rest of us

entere 'attie#s room an the !ongratulations an !ooing began% At one point, I aske 'attie a Guestion% (he i n#t answer so I looke up from !rou!hing over the baby to meet her eyes% 'attie was entran!e , staring own into her baby#s fa!e an smiling, rubbing one knu!kle gently a!ross her aughter#s !heek% (he seeme to be trying to !ount every eyelash, every hair on her aughter#s hea an re!or it to memory% 8inally, she no e

Ambrosia K2 her hea as if she ha /ust !ome to a efinite e!ision about something that ha been weighing on her% -Au rey ; yes Au rey,0 she sai % It was between that an &reta% (he ha always love &arbo, but &reta i n#t soun as goo a name for a baby as Au rey% An so it was that the little baby snug in blankets an soun asleep was name after a!tress Au rey *epburn% )hen she announ!e this, &ran pa smile at her as if to say, -Ni!e !hoi!e%0 &ra!e looke own at her wat!h% I looke at our mom an trie not to laugh% 'om /ust

winke at me with an e1pression on her fa!e that sai 9 Aon#t you are say a wor ; let her en/oy this% An so I i n#t say a wor % I simply grinne an wat!he as my ol er sister kisse every little finger on Au rey#s tiny han s% = CHAPTER ! "inter 2004 Paden -*ey>I#m home,0 I !alle as I opene the oor an on the floor%0 -"oming,0 Jare yelle from the ire!tion of the en% As I hung my !oat up in the !loset Jare entere the room an sat own on the !ou!h% -Not yet, but as soon as I slip into something a little se1ier you might be,0 I sai laughing at my own /oke% -"ute, 3a en,0 he sai unamuse % -*ey, I thought it was funny%0 roppe my leather tote bag

Ambrosia K7 -Not everything#s a /oke you know%0 -)hy are you so 'r% (erious all of a su en20

-"an you !ome sit for a minute20 he aske % -)hat#s up20 I aske as I slippe my 'a ens off of my feet% -Just>will you sit%%%I mean, please, !oul you>!ome sit%0 -)hy20 -4mm% )ell% )e nee to talk%0 -About what20 I aske as I !ra!ke my knu!kles an walke over to the loveseat a!ross from him an !autiously lowere myself own% (omething far more serious su enly seeme to be at stake than /ust a ifferen!e of moo s% -I on#t know>how !an I>there#s really no other way to say this but>I guess to /ust !ome out an say it>I think we nee to take a break from ea!h other%0 I !oul feel his eyes boring into me, looking, waiting, for a rea!tion% I fli!ke my eyes towar the far wall as if a teleprompter stoo there to fee me whatever lines I was to re!ite ne1t% Nothing appeare an so I sai nothing% As a humor greeting !ar writer, I trie to pin own some witty wor s for this o!!asion% All I !oul pi!ture was a little girl, in bla!k an white staring out of a win ow at the rain, the !ar blank insi e% Jare stoo from the !ou!h, !rosse the room, an sat own besi e me% *e gently grabbe my han % -Aon#t,0 I sai pulling away, still staring at the wall% -I on#t want to hurt you% <hat#s not my intention% I /ust feel !age % I nee more spa!e% <his is moving too fast for me% I#m not rea y for any more ne1t steps%0

Ambrosia K4 I turne my fa!e towar s his, begging with my bo y not to show signs of break own% -)e#ve been ating three years>three years>an now you want to !all it Guits be!ause you#re afrai one ay I may broa!h the sub/e!t of marriage20 -I on#t know>it#s not you% It#s me% .veryone always teases us about when I#m going to pop the Guestion an I#m /ust>I feel like I !an#t>It s!ares me>0 -(o instea of /ust telling me it freaks you out an us ealing with it together you want to run away be!ause you !an#t eal with other people#s e1pe!tations>I thought you were more mature than that%0 -<hat#s e1a!tly it, 3a en% I on#t want to have to be mature about it% I#m 2J years ol for "hrist#s sake%0 -)e !oul slow own% I thought we were moving slow enough as is it% Cut we !oul slow own more% )hat o you want me to o2 )hat !an I o20 -<here#s nothing you !an o% ?ight now I /ust want to have fun an fo!us on my !areer, not o ge Guestions about when we are planning on tying the knot%0 -Oh, so now selling !ars is your big !areer20 -It#s !alle a stepping stone% Cut my /ob is not the issue here% I /ust feel like us staying together gives you some false hope that marriage will be the ne1t step%0 -)ell, Jare , as long as we#ve been together, woul n#t that only be reasonable to think2 An yet, I on#t beg that you go an buy me a ring every ay% I# say I#ve been more than patient%0 -I#m not into that big of a !ommitment /ust yet an I on#t know if I#ll be into it anytime in the near future%0

Ambrosia K+ -I !an live with that% I have for this long%0 I taste bloo on my bottom lip% I ha bit too har % -5ook% I#m sorry% All I !an say is I#m sorry%0 I no one% I looke ba!k at the wall, again sear!hing for that invisible teleprompter to fee me some great parting shot% Now I was /ust plain pisse % -&et your shit an get out,0 was all I !oul manage% = CHAPTER # Mattie -C$b$b$ball,0 Au rey sai in her wobbly to ler voi!e, wrapping her tiny arms e my hea slowly up an own, reali@ing there was no persua ing to be

aroun the bottom of my leg, only letting go to raise her arms skywar signaling she wante to be hel % -Caby, 'ommy is trying to pra!ti!e her singing% )e#ll play ball later okay20 -C$b$ball,0 she answere with a frown% I leane own an kisse my aughter on the forehea an than sat on the floor

!ross$legge an we rolle a plasti! pink ball ba!k an forth for the ne1t half hour or so% Au rey never seeme to stop an that woul be okay if she woul at least slow own% )hen I wasn#t at work I spent my hours !hasing Au rey from room to room trying to get her to get resse , eat, take a nap, or take a bath% I be!ame somewhat of an e1pert where the <eletubbies, 5ittle Cear, or (ponge Cob (Guarepants were !on!erne % Au rey was like any typi!al two$year$ol 9 tugging, pulling, pushing anything she !oul get her han s

Ambrosia K6 aroun an I was tire , no e1hauste % )hen Au rey finally wore herself out an went to sleep at night, after, at the very minimum, four be time stories, I !oul n#t help but feel a relief anoint me ; an inner !alm took the pla!e of all the !rying, wanting, an nee ing that Au rey ha no short supply of% An then it all !hange , but when or how I !an#t e1plain% It#s kin of like when you#re riving somewhere an one minute it#s raining an the ne1t minute it#s not, but it never be!omes !lear when the transition from rain to no rain happene % = One afternoon, I took Au rey to a lo!al nursery s!hool to feel out the pla!e an !he!k out the staff% (he was /ust over two an a half years ol % 'y parents wat!he her most of the time while I was at work, but I thought it woul be goo for her to be aroun other !hil ren one or two afternoons a week% (he ha no siblings an no !hil ren her age to play with in our neighborhoo % I opene the heavy glass oors lea ing into the s!hool to reveal a won erlan of toys% Aolls, books, an pu@@les littere the floor% I set Au rey own an she tottere to the !orner of the room% A pres!hool tea!her approa!he me an intro u!e herself as Julie% As we talke I glan!e over an saw Au rey hol ing a re blo!k at eye level an turning it slowly in her han s ; rotating it again an again% As another tea!her gathere all of the !hil ren onto an area !arpet in the !enter of the room to begin the orientation full of !hil ish songs an games Julie an I walke over to Au rey in an attempt to get her to parti!ipate% )hen I trie to take the blo!k away from her an lea her over to the -magi! !arpet,0 Au rey began to s!ream at the top of her lungs% I was taken aba!k, but brushe it off as a !hil #s fear of being in unfamiliar

Ambrosia K, surroun ings% )hen the !rying persiste , I apologi@e an e1!use myself an my aughter from the room% (oon other o behaviors emerge % 8or instan!e, when Au rey woul go own

the sli e of the swing set my parents ha built in their ba!kyar for her, she woul run to one !orner of the yar , tap her foot, run to the opposite !orner of the yar , tap her foot, an then !ir!le !ompletely aroun the swing set before !limbing the sli e steps again% At first I thought it was some funny Guirk of Au rey#s% I /oke with my mother that she must have inherite that obsessive !ompulsive trait from 3a en, but when I stoo at the en of the sli e to prevent Au rey from !arrying out her routine, she woul shriek an wail un!ontrollably% (u!h obsessive ten en!ies seeme to multiply% One night, Au rey spent the goo part of an hour walking aroun the be room on her tiptoes tou!hing the be , the resser, the <B% .1a!tly four times $ never three, never five, only ever four% Not long after, the few wor s Au rey ha a!Guire were gone% <hey /ust stoppe % No more C$b$ball or N$o$o an most hurtful no more 'a for 'om% I !alle the pe iatri!ian, unsure what to think% = Chapter 10 Grandpa <he girls an I use to always play this game where they woul sit in my favorite re!liner an I woul preten not to see them an sGuash them un er my behin after making up some silly rhyme using ea!h of their names% -"hatty 'attie, where !oul she be2 I think I#ll sit own an have some tea%0

Ambrosia KJ ?ight before I lowere myself into the !hair I woul hear stifle giggles !oming from un er me% On!e I : is!overe # 'attie I woul ti!kle her an she woul say, -5ove you, love you%0 -*ow mu!h o you love me,0 I tease her still ti!kling% An she woul answer, -the whole wi e worl an ba!k again%0 As soon as I stoppe ti!kling 'attie I woul have to go in the other room an preten I was getting something so 3a en woul have time to !limb up into the !hair% -)here i 3retty 3a en go2 On!e I fin her I#m going to ti!kle her toes%0 Caby &ra!e, when she was ol enough to un erstan this game woul always answer my inGuiries with a point, always silently revealing the girls# hi ing spot% I#ll never forget the time I ti!kle 3a en so long she pee her pants% <hat was powerful ammunition for 'attie% <o this ay, I on#t think she has let 3a en forget that embarrassing a!!i ent%

CHAPTER 11 Paden <he apartment looke empty without Jare #s things% I ha been sitting for almost two hours with my hea own on the kit!hen table, the butter pe!an melte in the !arton

besi e my hea % It woul have ma e more sense to go lie in be , but I was numb an i n#t feel like moving% I felt blank, if that makes sense% )hat ha I one to rive him away2 "oming up with no suitable answers an a million suitable answers all at on!e, I finally got up an walke into the living room% I looke up at the pi!tures that a orne the walls% A thousan memories e!orate the hallway% 'e on Jare #s shoul ers

Ambrosia KI weighe own with 'ar i &ras bea s, Jare kissing me on the forehea after winning the

annual .u!hre tournament, us, soun asleep with our sunglasses on to shiel our eyes from the sun at the bea!h% <hese photos seeme to affirm to me, that in fa!t, we ha ha a meaningful an !ommitte relationship% It#s funny how anything from the past !arries with it a romanti! sense of nostalgia% All the goo seems to fin its way into the pi!ture, while anything ba never evelops% After intently looking at one after another of the frame photographs, not only i I no longer know who he was, I barely knew myself% "ertainly, the girl !aught in these !an i s in the tren y !lothes with the unwavering smile !oul n#t be the same girl stan ing here in a fa e sweatshirt an gran ma slippers with a mas!ara streake fa!e% No !ameras here to !apture this% = Aebra *arry sang, -One way, or another, I#m gonna fin you, I#m gonna get!ha get!ha get!ha>,0 I hel the phone a little further from my ear before I raise my voi!e% -&ra!ey% &ra!ey% *ello2 I !an#t hear you,0 I sai with what little strength I !oul muster% -Oh, hey 3a en% (orry, /ust oing a little roun of (ay )hat Karaoke with the girls,## my ki sister sai into the phone% Cy the girls, I knew she meant the twins that live a!ross the street% -Is 'om there20 I sai , my voi!e shaky% -4h, I#m not sure%0 -)ell, o you think you !oul bur en yourself to go !he!k20 I aske % -*ol %0

Ambrosia 20 <he song playe on an I hear the twins pi!k up where &ra!e left off% I sighe , grabbe some re nail polish from the /unk basket I kept near the phone an painte one of my fingernails% -3a en,0 my mom sai too lou ly an overly e1aggerate into the re!eiver, the way she always i , as if we ha n#t talke in years when really we ha /ust talke yester ay% -*i 'om,0 I sai % -*i, (weetie, what are you oing20 she aske % -Nothing,0 I sniffe % -I /ust wante to make sure you ha my flight information%0 -Are you getting si!k, you soun a little stuffe up2 Is something wrong honey20 -No, everything#s fine% Just tire % Oh, I forgot to tell you $ Jare won#t be able to make it% *e sai sorry but he /ust has too mu!h work to o, an he#s feeling a bit un er the weather%0 -(urely, he !an take a break from oing work to !elebrate the birth of "hrist,0 she sai % -'om, you know he#s not "atholi! an oesn#t really get into the whole

"hristmas thing9 the singing, the presents, the eggnog an fruit!ake%0 In my hea I ha a e :being aroun obno1ious family0 to the list% -Des, true "hristmas has be!ome too !ommer!iali@e an people on#t remember often enough that Jesus in the ?eason for the (eason, but I still think he shoul !ome% *e !an o his work here an I know my homema e !hi!ken noo le soup will be /ust the thing to nurse him ba!k to health%0

Ambrosia 2K -It will be too he!ti! with everyone over the house an stuff an plus you have enough !ooking to o without having to make soup for him%0 -Nonsense, it won#t be a problem%0 -'om, you !an sen some home with me for him, but he really !an#t !ome0 -*ol on, I got a beep,0 she sai % I took some eep breaths, trying to hol myself together between beeps% -(weetie that#s 'attie, she says it#s important>but let me hurry an get your flight information% &ra!e, where are all the pens that are suppose to be kept in this rawer20 I hear 'om yell% -(orry, *oney, okay go ahea ,0 she sai % -It#s flight K6+4% I shoul be lan ing aroun 6970% &ate KK%0 -I hope you#ll stay through the weeken % I miss you so mu!h% ?emember to wear !lean un erwear>/ust in !ase>an pay attention when the stewar ess gives the safety instru!tions>oh an 3a en, try an grab some e1tra peanuts for your sister% Dou know how she loves them% (en Jare our love an tell him we#ll miss him% Cye arling%0 I simply shook my hea an repla!e the phone on the re!eiver% As goofy as she was, I !oul n#t wait to get home to see her% It is probably /ust as well 'om ha to go though% I# rather break own to her in person about my faile lifeL that way she woul be right there to make all the pain go away, not unlike the time in se!on gra e when ?i!ky *amil ma e fun of the birth marks on my upper thigh at the en of the year pool party% I !alle my mom from the party terribly upset an embarrasse after he !alle me a spotte leopar % (he tol me that if I looke very !losely I woul see that the five is!olore spots on my thigh forme a flower an that this spe!ial mark was put there by

Ambrosia 22 fairies that flew out of flowers when they bloome in the spring% It meant that I woul o

e1traor inary things in my life% (he tol me I shoul n#t tell the other !hil ren about what the mark meant be!ause they woul be so sa that they i n#t have flowere thighs they woul !ry for five whole years% After that !onversation I prou ly went ba!k to the pool an i n#t use my towel the rest of the ay% I still believe that 'oms know spe!ial

se!rets like this oneL se!rets so powerful, they !an transform hurt into something, anything, less a!hing% = CHAPTER 12 Paden 'om met me at the airport an ragge &ra!e with her% I ha to believe that the

promise of a new outfit was the only thing strong enough to raise &ra!e out of be at that time in the morning so my mom woul have someone to rive to the airport with% &ra!e#s long irty$blon e hair was pulle ba!k in a low ponytail at the nape of her ne!k an she ha /ust a ab of lip gloss on% (he ha be!ome so pretty an I !oul n#t believe how tall she ha gotten% I ha only been away a !ouple months but it seeme as if her looks were really !hanging% I think it was her transition from the ugly /unior high years to high s!hool that ma e her look so ifferent to me% (he was offi!ially out of that awkwar stage% <he ri e home seeme like a fu!king o yssey% I !oul n#t es!ape the !ar$ ri e Guestions% -*oney, how#s work going2 I bet you#re /ust blowing them away with all your talent,0 'om sai as she turne towar me, tilting her hear an smiling, barely managing to miss a !onstru!tion barrel on the freeway%

Ambrosia 27 -Oh, I#ll tell you about that later% I#m sure &ra!e woul rather listen to the ra io then hear me talk about work,0 I sai % -Deah, a!tually I woul % Ooh, I love this song% <urn it up%0 I rea!he towar the volume !ontrol an turne it up% 'om turne it right ba!k own% -It#s time to visit, not listen to musi!% )e haven#t seen you in awhile an I want to know what#s new20 'om seeme to be oblivious to the fa!t that we talke to ea!h other at least twi!e a week on the phone% -<hat#s a shame that Jare !oul n#t make it% Is he feeling any better2 Any talk of a pen ing engagement20 she aske pin!hing my arm% -*ow#s 'attie oing2 Ai she !all the o!tor20 I aske trying to !hange the sub/e!t before I !ompletely !rumble % -*e#s in 8lori a until after New Dear#s% (he has an appointment s!he ule for January 6%0 -*ow#s Aa 20 -(ame as always ; happy as long as he#s golfing,0 she sai % I ha been ying to pour my heart out to my mom, but I wante to o it without &ra!e there an I wante to o it after "hristmas was over% I !ringe at the thought of being the topi! of the holi ay% Nothing !an be sai in !onfi entiality in my family% If I ha tol 'om, she woul have tol &ran ma, who woul have tol the rest of her aughters in su!!ession% I#ll never forget, how the ay after I starte my perio , I re!eive four o@en bouGuets of re roses from all my aunts an from my gran mother,

Ambrosia 24 e1ten ing their !ongratulations that I ha rea!he womanhoo % &o , how was I going to tell her that won erful, great, future son$in$law Jare was no more% = Chapter 1$ Grandpa I !oul have sworn that go amn street sign sai 'ea owwoo % Oh well ;

always better to be en route than at your final estination% <hese ol bones know that better than anybo y% I#ve always like etours ; keeps the eyes open for signs% Ariving

is always goo for spurring memories% <he girl in the bla!k ress ; Italy KI4,, my first pair of bo1ing gloves, the way my wife use to always write notes on paper plates% <hat woman absolutely refuse to use the tablets in the rawer ne1t to the fri ge% &o I miss

her% I hope 3a en will sen me another !are pa!kage soonL she manages to fin the most !hallenging !rosswor pu@@les for me% <hat is 3a en that sen s those I think% Des it is ; &ra!e sneaks me !igarettes she gets off of her frien sL &ra!e woul never smoke, so they !an#t be hers% Oh I#ll have to tell 'attie that ne1t week on the Ciography !hannel they are show!asing an a!tress a ay from the 60#s% 8ern!liff ; that soun s familiar% Des $ I think 'ea owwoo is off of 8ern!liff%

Chapter 14 Paden It was aroun si1$thirty when the family starte to arrive% Aa ha rente a (anta !ostume an was going to -show up0 as (anta in the mi le of our tra itional "hristmas

Ambrosia 2+ "arol singing as if none of the ol er ki s woul noti!e that 4n!le 'it!h ha slippe out /ust before (t% Ni!k arrive % 'om greete everybo y in her hokey glitter sweatshirt !omplete with all eight rein eer pulling (anta#s sleigh, but &ran ma was the worst resse % (he ha on green sto!kings, a re skirt, an a sweater that ha miniature bells angling from the front% <o top it off, she ha a!tual "hristmas bulbs hanging from her ears, as if she i n#t know that she !oul go to )al$'art an pay M7%II for a pair of imitation bulb earrings that woul n#t weigh her whole hea own% 'y aunt Joan ha all three of her ki s resse in

i enti!al "hristmas outfits, whi!h might have been !ute ha her ki s not been K0, K2, an K4 years ol % <hose outfits, with the seGuine snowmen, woul have been more appropriate for my younger !ousins, the two boys who were five an their sister, three% 4n!le Ju e an his wife arrive minutes later with my K7 year ol !ousin Cobby, who I soon !ame to fin out, now prefers to be !alle Ceel@ebub% *e was resse in all bla!k, with a og !ollar aroun his ne!k, an bla!k nail polish on his fingernails% (u enly I

was not so worrie about being the topi! of the holi ay% 5ooks like it may /ust be Cobby#s turn this year% -Cobby, I think you#re a !ouple holi ays late,0 I sai % Cobby s!rat!he his ear, his mi le finger e1ten e , while all of the other ones were !urle own, making it obvious he i n#t appre!iate my humor% Nearly everyone ha

arrive , when my &ran pa, the wi ower, not the one marrie to bulb earrings, !alle % -*i &ramp, where are you2 .verybo y#s here%0 -I#m at 4n!le (i #s% )here are all of you20 he aske %

Ambrosia 26 .ver sin!e gran ma ie , gran pa#s memory has gotten worse% 4n!le (i i n#t

e1ist, at least not in our family, although the neighbor that live up the blo!k from my parents sometimes /ust playe along% -)e swit!he the party to here, &ramp,0 I playe along% -4n!le Ju e will be there in a minute to pi!k you upL !an you put 4n!le (i on please20 -*i, it#s 3a en, Olivia#s aughter% <hanks for !alling% (omeone will be right there to pi!k him up% (orry for the in!onvenien!e,0 I sai % = -&ran pa20 'attie aske % -Dep%0 -5ost20 -Dep% Dou know maybe 'om an Aa shoul re!onsi er having &ran pa !ome live here20 -As stubborn as he is, yeah right,0 &ra!e !hime in% -Dou know how mu!h he values his in epen en!e, not to mention he woul never want to leave all of his frien s at that assiste living pla!e% <hey keep them busy there, what with all their game nights an an!es% *e gets lost a !ouple of times an you a!t

like he#s fit to be tie in some asylum,0 'attie sai % -'attie ; Guit being so ramati!% I#m not suggesting he go to some !ra@y home, /ust that he move in with 'om an Aa ,0 I sai % -5iving with 'om an Aa has got to be worse than living in an asylum,0 &ra!e

Ambrosia 2, !ommente % -On se!on thought, maybe &ramp shoul move in here ; it will give 'om someone to nag other than me% Aa #s always golfing whi!h only leaves me for her to torture% An when she#s not on my !ase, she#s !omplaining how Aa is never here to help her aroun the house,0 &ra!e !ontinue % -&ra!e, it really !an#t be that ba % 'om was way stri!ter with us than she is with you,0 I sai % -)hatever,0 &ra!e retorte % -3oor Aa , he !an never o anything right,0 'attie sni!kere % -I#m going to get a rink ; anyone want anything20 I aske % -I#ll take a pop,0 &ra!e sai % -?oot Ceer or "oke20 -)hatever%0 = On!e the !ommotion of getting &ran pa to the right house was over, the singing starte whi!h was to be followe by the annual gift e1!hange% As !orny as this all was, it was safe, se!ure, an in a strange way it was so very !omfortable% After the fourth roun of -&ran ma got run over by a rein eer,0 'om e1!use herself, saying she wante to get the !amera from upstairs% 'y three$year$ol !ousin traile behin her, although 'om looke too preo!!upie to noti!e% A few moments later, in the se!on verse of -Oh "hristmas <ree,0 my !ousin !ame ba!k ownstairs% (he walke over to where I was sitting on the !ou!h, !limbe up into my lap, an tu!ke her little hea in the !revi!e of my ne!k% I thought maybe she was getting tire as it was going on mi night% Au rey

Ambrosia 2J was sitting in the far !orner of the room, her ba!k to everyone, rubbing the !arpet% I !alle her but she i n#t respon % 'attie went over an s!oope her up in her arms an then went an sat on the !ou!h% 'om reappeare , !amera in han , /ust a few verses later, an starte in with her s!ript% An then, right on s!he ule, the soun of /ingling bells !oul be hear % -Are those sleigh bells I hear2 )ho !oul be at our oor at this time of night20 she aske , as Ceel@ebub rolle his eyes% -*o, *o, *o,0 Aa sai in his best (anta voi!e as he we ge his way through the oor% Just then, to everyone#s surprise my !ousin burst into tears% -I hate (anta% (anta yelle at Aunty an broke her vase% I saw him make you sa upstairs% (anta s!ary, (anta mean,0 she waile , igging her hea further into my ne!k% )ell, talk about embarrassing% <he whole family /ust stoo there, mouths agape% I think everyone was a bit !onfuse an then as things starte to !li!k, people began to look pani!ke as if they i not know whose si e to stan on% 'y aunt rushe over an lifte her aughter from my lap, put her over her shoul er, an began patting her ba!k, the whole time glaring at Aa % Aa walke out the oor muttering that he shoul have left months ago an it began to look as if it wasn#t going to be a very merry "hristmas% <hen, without fair warning, 'om burst into tears% 'y aunts rushe towar her, an I ran outsi e to fin my father% I felt like I !oul barely keep my bo y up, /ust wanting to sli e own against something for support% 'y breath was !at!hing% I saw my a on the si e of the house puffing on a !igarette% -Aa , what#s going on20 I aske %

Ambrosia 2I -3a en, you know things have been tough lately% 8or "hrist#s sake, I#ve been sleeping in a ifferent room for months now% )e tol &ra!ey it was be!ause I snore so lou , but I think your sister is a little too smart to buy that line% Ai n#t your mother tell you about this2 Oh hell, she i n#t% I am so sorry, honey% (he still thinks we nee to prote!t you from the truth,0 he sai , offering me a hit off his !igarette% 3lease prote!t me, I nee to be prote!te % = I postpone my flight be!ause mom insiste I stay long enough to go to the family therapy session% I ha n#t foun a way to !ope with my own break$up an the thought of ealing with my parents# seeme like too mu!h to bear% <hat therapy session was as mu!h fun as I imagine it woul be to sprint into the o!ean with no skin on% &ra!e an I ro e with 'om% After her Kellogg#s !ommer!ial au ition, 'attie pi!ke up Aa , who ha temporarily move into the *oli ay Inn% Aa an 'attie were late so we hea e insi e without them% <he offi!e was set up so that si1 !hairs ma e a !ir!le% <his is where we ha to sit an fa!e one another to !onfront an e1press our feelings% 'om intro u!e &ra!e an I to 'rs% 3h%A herself, whom I islike from the get go, although by no fault of her own% (he tol us to go ahea an make ourselves !omfortable while she ma e a fast phone !all from her a /oining offi!e% Aa an 'attie arrive an /oine us while the therapist finishe her !all% Aa looke raine % *e was unshaven, nee e a hair !ut, an ha puffy eyes%

'om looke rigi , she sat in her !hair an rubbe her thumb alongsi e her pointer finger the way she always i when she was nervous%

Ambrosia 70 -*ow# your au ition go, honey20 'om aske % -Not so goo >I forgot my lines,0 answere 'attie% -Ai n#t you /ust have to say :umm !run!hy an sweet all at on!e2#0 aske &ra!e% -5eave it go, &ra!e,0 Aa sai % -(he was /ust asking,0 'om respon e % <he therapist reentere the room an all eyes turne , in!reasing the uneasiness of the situation% (omehow the presen!e of this stranger frame by all of her hanging iplomas ma e the situation seem real an permanent% After she intro u!e herself to my father an 'attie she turne towar my mother who sat stiffly% -Olivia, woul you like to begin20 I !oul n#t !on!entrate% I was too busy looking at the little white !ir!les on the wall behin the therapist% <he sun hit her huge iamon ring at /ust that angle where you !an see the little balls of light walt@ aroun the room ea!h time she ma e a gesture% Ni!e to see that someone thought marriage was a vow worth keeping% I won ere what Jare was oing% -&irls, I /ust want you to know first an foremost that this is not your fault>0 'om began% -Dour father an I have /ust grown apart% )e en/oy ifferent things% *e likes to>well>golf an wat!h sports an I like to o more>ummm>%family oriente things%0 -5iv% "ome on, that#s not fair% Dou make it soun as if I on#t even like my own family% "hrist, what o you e1pe!t from me2 I work har so that you on#t have to>0

Ambrosia 7K -I on#t work har 2 Dou think the house /ust !leans itself, that inner makes itself, that the gro!eries /ust magi!ally appear in the fri ge an the laun ry !omes out of the ryer fol e an presse 20 -<hat#s not>that#s not what I was going to say if you# let someone else get a wor out before you interrupte an playe the poor housewife$ vi!tim a!t%0 -5et#s ea!h talk one at a time with no one speaking until the esignate person is !ompletely one talking,0 the therapist interevene % -(ee, 5iv, listen to the therapist, Guit interrupting,0 Aa sai % -If I re!all she starte out asking me to begin, not you,0 'om sai % -Olivia, go ahea ,0 the therapist sai % -Okay, like I was saying% &irls>this is not your fault% I on#t want you to even think>not even for a moment>about blaming any of our problems>0 -No, you#re right about that% It#s your an Aa #s fu!king fault,0 &ra!e sai , sharing her un!ensore thoughts an no ing her !hin up towar my parents% <he first

!ouple of wor s !ame out strong, aggressively, but the wor fault ha that Guiver to it that ire!tly pre!e e tears% -&ra!e, !alm own0 I sai , embarrasse % -3a en, shut up% -.1!use me20 -Dou#re not here, you on#t know%0 -&ra!e, I think you#re being a bit>0 -Clah, blah, blah% I on#t !are% I live here% Dou on#t%0

Ambrosia 72 I was spee!hless% I bit my bottom lip an nervously glan!e at 'om an Aa to see how they han le &ra!ey#s outburst% 'y mom ha her hea burie in her han s an for the first time ever I saw Aa !ry% -(he#s still a part of this family, &ra!e,0 my a mumble , trying to !lear his throat% -I#m sorry% It#s /ust that>I on#t know> I /ust feel like it is your#s an Aa #s uty to try an stay together>for us% Dou guys on#t yell an s!ream at ea!h other, so why now2 )hy all of a su sai % As soon as &ra!e stoppe talking, I /umpe in% -"an#t you two /ust try to work things out2 <hings !an#t be that ba between you,0 I sai % I was grasping, an I knew it, but I nee e to get through this% <here was a prolonge moment of silen!e% I angle my hea up at the therapist for some sort of !onfirmation% (he /ust glan!e from Aa , to 'om, to &ra!e, to 'attie, an ba!k at me% )hat were we paying this woman for2 (he !oul have at least offere up some of her theoreti!al bullshit to fill the silen!e% 8inally, Aa spoke% -)e love you girls more than the whole wi e worl an ba!k again, but the truth is your mother an I have /ust grown apart% An &ra!e, we are trying to work things out, that#s why we#re here>but we !an#t make you girls any promises that things !an ever go ba!k to the way they were%0 -)ell I#m sure if you /ust try har er you !an grow right ba!k together,0 &ra!e !hime in% en2 Dou guys aren#t even trying to work things out,0 &ra!e

Ambrosia 77 -Deah, /ust like 'i!helle 3feifer an Cru!e )illis i in the movie <he (tory of 4s,0 'attie sai % I looke at my ol er sister sho!ke that someone her age !oul say su!h stupi things% -It#s /ust not that easy, Caby Aoll,0 Aa sai % Nothing seeme easy anymore% = -8light K,J29 rows K2$24 now boar ing% )e are now boar ing rows K2$24%0 I stoo up in a bit of a a@e an went to grab my !arry$on, but while ben ing own to get it from the floor I manage to spill out all the !ontents of my purse% <ampons rolle everywhere, my !ompa!t broke, !ountless tubes of lipsti!k s!attere on the floor% Just then my !ell starte to ring obno1iously to the tune of Joy to the )orl % I knew I must have been a sight, but by then I i n#t !are% I answere the phone to stop the ringing, an with it !o!ke between my ear an shoul er I trie to hurry an gather up more of the es!ape belongings from my ba!kpa!k si@e purse9 sweet$n$low pa!kets, loose !hange, /olly ran!hers, wallet, planner, an gum wrappers% I su enly reali@e the value of itsy

bitsy, !an#t fit anything into them, impra!ti!al, po!ket$si@e purses% -5ast !all for boar ing for rows K2$24,0 the la y s!reame into the mi!rophone% -*i honey, it#s 'om, /ust !alling to see how you are hol ing up>0 -'om, I !an#t talk right now%%%0 -Cut baby, !ommuni!ation is the tool to ealing with >%0

Ambrosia 74 Out of the !orner of my eye I saw a boy, aroun age KK, hol ing two of my fugitive tampons in front of his mouth preten ing to be a walrus, to the utter isgra!e of his parents who Gui!kly snat!he them away an shot me a glare% -'om, my flight is leaving now>I#ll !all you when I#m ba!k in "hi!ago,0 I sai , wishing I# fall through the floor to avoi the embarrassment% I finally boar e an ma e my way past passengers who apparently i n#t un erstan that a fifteen poun suit!ase i not Gualify as a !arry$on an who were trying unsu!!essfully to sti!k their bulging bags into the overhea !ompartments% &o , I hope I threw my Aramamine in my purse% After I maneuvere my way aroun an oblivious guy with a huge gut stan ing right sma!k in the mi le of the aisle, I foun that I was lu!ky

enough to be seate between an annoying ki who ha his &ame Coy eGuipment sprea out not only on his fol $ own tray, but mine as well an a Jehovah witness who han e me a Cible from whi!h he starte Guoting before I even sat own% I pulle the Aramamine from my purse, not bothering to wait for the stewar ess to pass out rinks% <he bottle rea 9 take two after meal every eight hours% I swallowe four% = I walke into the empty apartment% Jare ha taken Ca1ter, the !at with him% It was late an I was tire , not to mention a little rugge from the Aramamine% I roppe my bags an slou!he own against the oor, relieve to finally be able to /ust !ry%

<he phone rang an I awoke from where I ha fallen asleep in a fetal position on the !ol linoleum floor of the foyer% Cy the time I manage to rea!h it, the answering ma!hine ha alrea y pi!ke up the !all%

Ambrosia 7+ -*i, you#ve rea!he Jare an 3a en at IJ,$2+4$K27J% )e !an#t get to the phone, but if you leave>0 his eep raspy voi!e sai on the re!or ing% 'y han fro@e on top of the re!eiver an tears streame own my fa!e%

-Deah, 3a en, it#s me, Jare >if you !oul !all me at>0 A tremor of e1!itement ran through me% It was him% *e wante to work things out% "oul I really a!!ept him after what he i to me2 "an someone go on loving someone after being betraye 2 "oul we really ever go ba!k to being the happy !ouple we were in those photos hanging in the hallway2 I imme iately pi!ke up the re!eiver an put it to my ear% -*ello>%hi Jare >0 the anti!ipation in my voi!e obvious% -*ey% Ao you think I !oul !ome by sometime tomorrow an pi!k up the last of my stuff,0 he aske like we were ol !ollege roomies or something% I stuttere , unable to answer for a moment% I sniffe an let out a lou sigh% -Deah that woul be fine,0 I sai % -.ight okay20 -8ine%0 = CHAPTER 15 Mattie -Au rey has a pervasive evelopmental isor er !alle "hil hoo Aisintegrative Aisor er, a !lose relative to autism,0 the o!tor e1plaine , pushing his glasses up further on the bri ge of his nose% After my initial !onsultation with him an a ay long

Ambrosia 76 evaluation of Au rey, he aske that I !ome in so that we !oul talk about what he thought was wrong% I ha left Au rey at my mom#s, arrive twenty minutes early an was es!orte into the o!tor#s offi!e% *e began to e1plain Au rey#s iagnosis% I looke own an !ounte the tiles on the floor% 8ourteen a!ross% <wenty$four

long ways% 'y stoma!h hurt% -'iss A,0 he sai % )hat was fourteen times twenty$four2 -'iss A!kerman20 I looke up at him% <ears rowne the !orners of my eyes% -I#m sorry9 Autism20 I sai , the wor feeling foreign in my mouth% *e pushe a bo1 of tissues towar s me, -Des ; it#s a isor er !hara!teri@e by>%0 <he wor s mu ie in my min % I !oul n#t absorb it all% It was too mu!h% ->

evelop normally until appro1imately two years of age> lose !ontrol of their bowels> e!line in motor skills%0 (top, please stop, I thought as I put my han to my forehea % *e pause to take a sip of !offee from his shiny stainless steel mug% ->things su!h as language, so!ial relating, an play behavior isintegrate, if not isappear entirely>0 I stoppe !ounting tiles an wat!he the o!tor me!hani!ally tap his pen on the pile of papers an !harts in front of him%

Ambrosia 7, ->the things you reporte su!h as rubbing her thighs !onstantly or making a !li!king soun with her tongue are what we te!hni!ally refer to as self$stimulatory behaviors, !ompulsions Au rey feels she must engage in to feel a sort of bo ily an mental relief,0 the o!tor !ontinue % I wishe the room woul stop spinning% ->it is har for these !hil ren to feel any sort of empathy>0 I nee e out of that offi!e% It was too small, too hot% It was stifling% I nee e out% -Dou shoul n#t give up% <here are viable treatments9 behavior therapy, nutritional therapies, ifferent me i!ations,0 he went on, s!rat!hing at the skin behin his ear% -<hank you% I#m sorry% I nee to go% I#m sorry,0 I sai as I stoo up an grabbe my purse from the floor an fle for the oor before he !oul stop me% I rove aroun for awhile% I !oul n#t think% (!enes from the movie ?ain 'an kept replaying themselves in my hea % <hat was my only referen!e point for this thing that was hol ing my aughter !aptive ; this autism% An hour later I foun myself at the publi! library sear!hing the shelves for movies an books on the sub/e!t% I !he!ke out seven books an four vi eos% I hea e to my mom#s to pi!k up Au rey% 'om met me at the oor !on!erne she ha n#t hear from me sooner% *er arms were e1ten e % (he !oul tell the moment I steppe out of the !ar an began to approa!h her that things were not goo % )hen I rea!he the oor, I put my hea on my mother#s shoul er an sobbe ; big, bitter tears% 'om walke me into the kit!hen, poure some !offee an we talke until I felt !ompose enough to go see my aughter% Au rey was sitting on the floor in

Ambrosia 7J the en lining up !halk% 3ink, blue, white, green, yellow, white, pink% (he then gathere the seven pie!es, pla!e them in the !halk bu!ket she# !arrie aroun the past two ays, an began the pro!ess again% I swallowe har , walke over to where she was, an knelt own behin her on the floor% I pulle her as !lose to me as I !oul % I hugge her goo an har an put my nose own into her !urly hair, an absorbe the smell of strawberry banana shampoo% I love you baby girl, I whispere into those !urls% I love you% = Chapter 16 Paden It was Guarter past seven an I ha run aroun the apartment trying to make everything, in!lu ing myself, appear half way pulle together% I ha spent the past hour !hanging in an out of !lothes trying to a!hieve that -messy0 put together kin of look, whi!h is suppose to suggest that you look great without any hassle whatsoever% I en e up e!i ing upon my low$rise ark enim "alvin Kleins with a v$ne!k bla!k shirt a!!essori@e with a silver ne!kla!e that ha a large bla!k stone in the mi le% I looke in the mirror% <he earrings ha to go% <he a vi!e of some fashion mo el Guote in "osmo rang in my ears ; Dont over accessorize% I imme the lights, but not too mu!h, an spraye some &la e !innamon air freshener% I flippe the swit!h on the waterfall thingy that sits on the en table an lit the tree% Aoorbell% -*ey 3a en, thanks for letting me stop by%0 *e hel his nose before snee@ing% -*ow are you hol ing up2 5ook, I#m sorry about the way things turne out but>0

Ambrosia 7I *e rea!he in his /eans po!ket for a tissue after snee@ing again% -"hrist what i you spray in here, I !an#t Guit snee@ing%0 -I#m /ust great a!tually% 'oving on with life% In fa!t I /ust booke a flight to the (wiss Alps to get a little ?N?,0 I blatantly lie % -?eally2 )here i you fin the money for that20 he aske with an air of isbelief% (hit% *ow stupi of me% I !oul barely pay last month#s mortgage an now I /ust sai I#m planning on flying off to (wit@erlan % ?eal fu!king smart% As if he won#t know I am lying% 'ight as well say my new boyfrien , Cra 3itt, is fun ing the trip% -'y great aunt 5ou#s inheritan!e money /ust !ame through,0 I sai % -I i n#t know you ha a great aunt 5ou%0 -Deah, well there were some family issues an so no one ever really talke about her% 3lus she was always too si!k to !ome to any of the family fun!tions,0 I sai feeling my nose grow ea!h time I spoke% -Oh, okay%0 he sai in a mo!king sort of tone% *ow the fu!k are he oubt the truth of what I sai % I suppose he ha goo reason, but still% An then a little gentler, -Dou okay% I know you on#t want any more apologies, but I#m still allowe to !are if you#re okay ; right20 -I#m fine% ?eally%0 -(ure20 -Dou know where to fin everything,0 I sai slumping onto the !ou!h an fli!king on the <B%

Ambrosia 40 <he only things really left of Jare #s in the apartment were a pair of ol running shoes, some ra!Guetball stuff, an his stereo% After only one trip to the !ar there was no longer any sign that he ha live here% *e !ame ba!k in to make one last sweep of the pla!e an to make sure he ha n#t forgotten anything% *e ha n#t% -)ell, I think I got most everything% Dou gonna be okay20 -I#ll boun!e ba!k%0 -Dou always o% )ell, I better goL oh, an by the way, you may want to put a long sleeve shirt on if you#re going out% It#s pretty !ol out there% 5ater%0 <he soun of the oor e!hoe behin him, remin ing me yet again how lonely it was here without him% &o , the (wiss Alps% )hat was I thinking2 If I wante to lie I !oul have at least sai something somewhat believable, like I was going to New Dork% .ven (an 8ran!is!o% Anything but the (wiss fu!king Alps% I hope there was butter pe!an in the free@er% = After seven ays of igesting 2 pints of butter pe!an, KK sleeping pills, an 2, hours of trash television I starte to feel myself re!uperating from the re!ent blows% Afterall, Jerry (pringer#s guests live even more patheti! lives than I i % 'y mental upswing i n#t last long though% It was a 'on ay afternoon a few weeks later when my boss stoppe me in the hall an aske me to stop in his offi!e after I got my !offee% I poure five pa!kets of sugar into my !offee an lots an lots of !ream an hea e for the !orner offi!e%

Ambrosia 4K -3a en, !ome in, !ome in,0 he sai , as he swung a golf ball lightly off a tee whi!h stoo on a five foot turf putting green whi!h ran alongsi e his esk% *e pulle his pants up a bit to hol in his roly$poly figure before he sat himself own% *is features seeme all mi1$mat!he % *e ha these (anta$"lause !hubby !heeks an thi!k snow !overe he ges for eyebrows an yet his nose was long an narrow, his brow in a !onstant furrow% *is hair was a /et bla!k, totally un!oor inate with his eyebrows an s!rewing up his !omposite look even further% <hose people who o funny !ari!atures at amusement parks an fairs must have a ball repli!ating his portrait% -<ake a seat,0 he sai as he pi!ke the ball out from the hole, blew on it, an pla!e it on the win owsill to the right of his esk ne1t to some sort of ying plant% I instin!tively starte to pani!% Nothing goo ever seems to !ome from that phrase% -I wante to talk to you about your !opy,0 he sai as he lowere himself into his swivel !hair with a thu an pushe moun s of papers on his esk to either si e of him% -Ah$hah,0 I sai rubbing my thumb alongsi e my in e1 finger% -I#m !on!erne % It seems lately your work is slipping a bit%0 *e s!rat!he his hair above his temple% -Deah>I>0 -I#m not saying you#ve been oing ba lyL it is /ust that the past month you#ve turne sappy on me% "opy like that belongs in the !onventional !ar epartment%0 *e

raise his eyes an his lips seeme to sway to one si e% *e looke worrie that he might have sai something offensive% -Dou#re right% I on#t>0

Ambrosia 42 -I !an#t have my humor writers going sentimental on me% *as everything been okay2 Anything on your min you want to talk about20 -Just some personal stuff% I#m sorry about the !opy% I#ll really make an effort to improve%0 -I know you will% I /ust wante to bring it to your attention% <ry an work on it some more, that#s all% An if you nee to talk, my oor#s always open,0 he sai stan ing up from behin his esk% -<hanks, I really appre!iate it% I promise ; no more mushy stuff% Just biting wit an !omi! relief%0 -<hat a girl% *ey, min ropping this memo at Jenna 8iel man#s esk for me20

-No problem,0 I sai , e1ten ing my arm% Jenna was beautiful an talente , but very own to earth an really Guite ni!e% )e# ha !offee at lun!h together a few times% I ha hope we woul be paire together for our ne1t pro/e!t% Jenna wasn#t at her esk so I grabbe the post$its an s!ribble a !ouple of lines e1plaining that 'r% <hompson aske me to rop the memo at her esk% -.1!use me, '#am,0 an unfamiliar male voi!e sai to my ba!ksi e as I was putting Jenna#s pen ba!k in the !offee !upOpen hol er ins!ribe with the wor Latte a!ross the front% *mmm>she has goo taste% I turne aroun an trie to fin the fa!e belonging to the voi!e% It was hi en behin a very e1pensive, elegant looking bouGuet of twelve long stemme re roses nestle between the fullest stems of baby breath I ha ever seen% -Jenna% Jenna 8iel man, these are for you,0 he sai %

Ambrosia 47 Aisgust an isappointment an!e on my fa!e% &o , life#s so unfair% I wish I still

ha someone in my life to sen me su!h tokens of affe!tion% -If you !oul /ust sign here%0 I signe Jenna#s name an !oul n#t help but peek at the !ar % -<o Jenna, with 5ove, Jare %0 = Chapter 1 Mattie Au rey has starte a therapy known as ACA, whi!h stan s for Applie Cehavioral Analysis% At times, I felt more like I was putting my aughter through boot !amp than therapy% All of the resear!h on Autism sai that forty hours a week of therapy is ne!essary if I want my aughter to be!ome as typi!al a !hil as possible% I woul sit at the top of the stairs an listen as the tutors ownstairs rille Au rey with Guestions an !omman s, again, an again, an again% -Au rey, look at me,0 the tutor sai % I woul hear Au rey s!reaming% -Au rey, look at me%0 'ore s!reaming% I#ve seen the rill enough times to know that the therapist ha both of her palms framing Au rey#s temples, restraining her hea so that Au rey ha no !hoi!e but to finally !omply an make eye !onta!t% -&oo looking,0 the therapist praise her an I knew she was simultaneously han ing Au rey a blue 'N' as a rewar %

Ambrosia 44 I sat at the top of the stairs an !rie as Guietly as I !oul , ro!king myself slightly ba!k an forth% )as this right2 )as it even ethi!al2 ?ewar ing a !hil of 7 with treats as if she were a pet being taught new tri!ks% It took sheer strength of will not to mar!h own those steps, ki!k the tutor out of our home, an res!ue my aughter% -)hat is your name,0 I hear the tutorPs voi!e waft up from the basement again% No response% -)hat is your name2 Au rey,0 the tutor prompte % -)hat is your name20 she aske again% No response% -(ay Au rey% )hat is your name2 Au rey% )hat is your name2 Au rey% )hat is your name20 8inally I hear my aughter mumble what must have been the wor Au rey be!ause I hear the tutor applau her again, -&oo girl% &oo telling me your name%0 8or weeks following the iagnosis I !oul n#t sleep% I spent the wee hours of the night pouring over stuff from the library% .very hour or so I !oul n#t help myself from sneaking into Au rey#s room to wat!h her sleep% <he guilt that hung over me was all$ !onsuming% (he eserve better than what I ha to offer, more !ompassion, more patien!e, more everything% I hate myself for having ever felt relief when her little voi!e Guiete or her mus!les reste in sleep% Cefore the iagnosis, I relishe the breaks my aughter#s naps gave me% Now it was as if my aughter was forever napping even when she was awake% <he rugs the o!tors ha temporarily put her on stoppe some of the !ompulsive behaviors, but they ma e Au rey into a miniature @ombie, her bo y was always la1, her eyes always looke tire %

Ambrosia 4+ I was smart enough now to know that the times my aughter use to laugh almost mani!ally, wasn#t be!ause she thought something was funny, but more than likely be!ause something about the way it ma e her throat feel when she i it ma e her want to o it more% *owever, with Au rey on the pres!ribe rugs, there was no laughing for

whatever reason an I !oul n#t help but miss that% It ma e me feel like I ha lost my aughter for a se!on time% I knew that on!e I e1plaine how opey the me s ma e Au rey, the o!tors woul !hange her me s again an more likely than not she woul be wire an restless% <he !ombination of me s never seeme to a!hieve any sort of balan!e% It was always one e1treme or another% Chapter 1! Paden 'y sisters !ame up to help me pa!k% 'attie be!ause she was probably s!are I# throw stuff out that she might want Enot to mention it provi e a break from Au rey who my parents ha offere to keep for a a few aysF an &ra!e be!ause she was for!e to by my parents% -<hanks for !oming up you two>I really nee e the help%0 -)ell, the only thing I#m missing is what I#m sure is a lame party at Bikki#s house% *er parties always blow% <he girls always out number the boys an her neighbors always !all the !ops saying we#re too noisy% I on#t get why those kin s of people on#t /ust move to some retirement !ity in 8lori a if all they#re going to o is !omplain about some ki s trying to have a goo time%0 -*ow about you 'att2 Are you missing any lame parties20 I aske looking at my ol er sister%

Ambrosia 46 -"an#t say that I am% I was looking forwar to !oming up an helping% A !hange of s!enery is always ni!e% I miss my baby, but the break is ni!e% Au rey#s working on three nights of no sleep% <hese sleepless nights seem to !ome in spurts%0 I ma e my sisters a Gui!k lun!h !onsisting of !ol !ut san wi!hes an "ool ?an!h Aoritos an then we starte to pa!k% <wo hours later nothing looke as if it ha gotten one% I was beginning to get frustrate % -'om#s really e1!ite your moving ba!k home,0 &ra!e sai , throwing my pi!ture frames in a !ar boar bo1 hapha@ar ly% -&ra!e>are you wrapping those in bubble wrap first20 I aske throwing my han s up in the air, e1asperate % -No%0 -Ai n#t I ask you too ; they nee e to be wrappe in bubble wrap an than put in the bo1 with the plasti! peanuts% <hat bo1 is for books> on#t you see where I marke it on the si e%0 -)hatever,0 &ra!e sai , shrugging her shoul ers as if I was asking her to translate 5atin te1t% :)hatever# was not only a staple of her vo!abularyL it seeme more an more to be her way of life as well% -)here#s 'attie20 I aske % -&oing through your !loset I think ; I unno%0 I looke up at &ra!e an sighe heavily, lou enough for her to sense my frustration% <hese two only slowe own the moving pro!ess instea of spee ing it up%

-3a en>% o you still wear this bla!k strapless ress20 I hear 'attie shout from the be room%

Ambrosia 4, I lit a !igarette% -)hy# you Guit your /ob anyway20 &ra!e aske , wrapping the pi!tures in newspaper% -&ra!e, bubble wrap>%not newspaper%0 -"an I have it if you on#t wear it anymore,0 'attie hollere % -I /ust nee to sort of start over>%reinvent myself, I guess,0 I answere &ra!e% -I !oul n#t possibly !ontinue working in the same offi!e as Jare #s new se1 toy% 3lus, my !ar s haven#t been up to par lately% <hey#re so ba I on#t even want them anymore%0 -3a en, !an I have the ress or not20 'attie shoute yet again -<ake it,0 I s!reame ba!k% -(u!ks to be you ; huh20 &ra!e aske % It was har to argue with a sentiment so eloGuently state % Chapter 1# Spring 2004 Grandpa -)hy oes she o that20 I aske 'attie who was on her knees pulling the wee s out of her yar % I sat at the pi!ni! table sipping my rink an wat!hing my great$ gran aughter in fas!ination% 'attie ha ma e me my favorite, pea!h i!e tea% -)hat20 -(pin in !ir!les like that, with her eyes shut an her fa!e up to the sun%0 -?emember 3apa, how I tol she is sorta si!k% <hat is part of her si!kness%0 -I on#t see how en/oying the feel of the sun on your fa!e an the win swirling about you !oul be part of any kin of si!kness% A!tually, she seems to have the right

Ambrosia 4J i ea% (marter than the rest of us ; that#s all she is% (he takes the time to take it all in% (oak the worl up% .n/oy the simple things%0 'attie stoppe pulling wee s% *er eyes were glassy, but she i n#t look sa % I hope I ha n#t sai anything wrong% (he was silent a minute before she spoke% -Dou#re right% Dou really are right% (he must know something we on#t an she#s all the wiser be!ause of it%0 -I know I#m right% Always am%0 = Chapter 20 Paden -*ey, Aa %0 -*i, *on% "ome in% *ungry2 I or ere us in some "hinese% .1tra egg rolls too20 -(ure% <hat soun s goo %0 "hinese makes for great !omfort foo % -'oo moo guy pan or sweet an sour !hi!ken20 -&uy pan is fine% Ni!e pla!e you got here,0 I sai looking aroun the small barren apartment% All feminine tou!hes absent% No flowers, no pi!tures on the wall, no kni!kkna!ks !luttering tables or shelves% -It#s small, but Guiet% No nagging voi!e hereL your mother riving you !ra@y yet20 he !hu!kle in a flat fake tone while ishing my "hinese foo onto a paper plate% -Nothing a few more therapy sessions !an#t !ure,0 I sai trying to return the /oke% -&ive her time% (he#ll rive you nuts too% Ai 'attie ask you about (atur ay yet20

Ambrosia 4I -No, why2 )hat#s up20 -Dour gran father wants to take you an your sisters to ate night at the assiste living pla!e%0 -Oh /oy, soun s like fun%0 )hy ha I walke away from a great /ob in a great !ity again2 Oh, that#s right ; be!ause I wante to spen my nights ining an the night away with a bun!h of senior !iti@ens% I su an!ing

enly pi!ture Jare at some posh

restaurant or ering a bottle of e1pensive 'erlot to try an impress Jenna% If he wasn#t trying to sell !ars, he was trying to sell himself% I have always been too eager of a buyer% -Dou girls better go% *e tol me he ha to fight to get two e1tra ti!kets% I suppose most resi ents only bring one ate, if anybo y at all% It will mean a lot to him%0 -Aoes &ra!e know about this yet20 -(he was as enthusiasti! as you are, but I think your mother su!!ee e in guilting her into it%0 -'om always has been goo at using guilt to her a vantage%0 -<ell me about it,0 Aa sai % = Chapter 21 Mattie -Au rey, stop it% Huiet feet% Huiet han s,0 I plea e with my aughter to Guit stamping her feet an trying to swat me% (he s!reame at the top of her lungs as if I were beating her to eath even though I ha n#t tou!he her% (he slamme the ba!k of her hea against the small woo en !hair that mat!hes a minitiauture esk she sits at to o her rills%

Ambrosia +0 -<ou!h your hea , tou!h your nose, what#s your name, !lap your han s,0 I trie to re ire!t her% (he threw the books I ha been trying to rea to her off her esk an persiste in s!reaming% (he then roppe to her knees off the !hair an onto the floor, ki!king her feet out in front of her% -(tan up% Au rey, stan up% (it own% Huiet% <hat#s enough,0 I began to raise my voi!e% <his tantrum ha gone on for twenty$one minutes now% I got out a ata form an fille out the time the tantrum starte , what ha set her off, the behaviors she e1hibite uring the tantrum, the uration of the tantrum an the !onseGuen!es%

-Huiet han s,0 I sai , again, grabbing her arm in mi swing before she got me in the fa!e% Nine minutes later Au rey ha e1hauste herself% *er fa!e was re an streake with tears an she was out of breath from s!reaming% -&oo Guiet,0 I sai less enthusiasti!ally than I shoul have% *er therapy is base in part on the i ea that you reinfor!e goo behavior by treats or verbal praise an eventually raise e1pe!tations so that Au rey will be reinfor!e for ten se!on s of silen!ing uring a tantrum as oppose to three or five se!on s% It is so har to praise a !hil who has /ust spent the past half hour trying to hit an ki!k you for simply Guieting for three se!on s% Chapter 22 Paden -'om, o you have any irty !lothes, I#m going to throw a loa in20 I hollere from the kit!hen%

Ambrosia +K -I i laun ry this morning% Dour !lothes are fol e in the ownstairs basket,0 she respon e from the kit!hen% I ma e my way ownstairs to retrieve my !lothes an after !arrying them up to my !hil hoo be room, !onverte offi!e, temporary be room again, began to separate out the !lothes% (ome how, !oming home ha !hange % 'y ol !anary yellow walls ha been wallpapere in a floral print% 'y purple swag !urtains ha been repla!e with boring white woo slat blin s% 'y bulletin boar !luttere with pi!tures of frien s I ha throughout the years was stuffe in the !loset an in its pla!e hung a pi!ture of a woman walking through a gar en% <hough I was sleeping in this room again, it somehow seeme as if it was no longer mine, an never !oul be again% It soun s silly, but I reali@e the house where I grew up, however mu!h I hope it !oul be, woul never be, a never$never lan % As I starte to fol my !lothes, I noti!e that all of my shirts, in!lu ing my favorite white button$ own from J% "rew, all ha a pink or blue tint to them% -Aamn it,0 I sai alou , hol ing my shirt up to the light% -(omething wrong honey,0 'om !alle % 'y mother refuses to separate out !lothes when she washes% (he sees no problem in mi1ing sha es of re , blue, white, bla!k, an beige together an feels it is a waste of water to insist that !olors are awar e their own wash !y!le% -No, nothings wrong% Just stubbe my toe% (orry,0 I answere my mother as I stare own at my all$time favorite M,0 button$ own% It ha been a birth ay gift from

Jare last year% -Ainner will be rea y in five minutes% )e#re having your favorite%0

Ambrosia +2 <he thought of bake @iti !asserole with brus!hetta ma e the thought of my ruine war robe a little more bearable% -Ce right own,0 I !alle % = -'ore fries20 my mom aske looking at my plate that hel ma!aroni an !heese, waffle fries, an a half eaten !heeseburger% Apparently when mom sai she was making my favorite, she ha meant my favorite foo at about age seven% -Ai you have a ni!e time at your father#s last night20 she aske putting a heaping helping of fries on my plate, espite my telling her I was full% -Deah, we got some "hinese take$out an rente a movie%0 -<hat#s ni!e% I bet he misses my !ooking now% <oo ba he never appre!iate it when he live here%0 I finishe !hewing a bite of the burnt burger before I replie % -Ce ni!e, 'om%0 Chapter 2$ Grandpa -<wenty ollars on 8unnysi e,0 I tol the man insi e the ti!ket win ow% -&ran pa, the o 'attie aske % -)henever in my life, my ear, have I ever worrie about o s20 -Never,0 'attie sai kissing me !hil ishly on the !heek through her giggles% -<hat#s why I love you,0 she sai , looking at the !onfuse man in the ti!ket booth% s are 20 to K against him% Are you sure you want to bet him20

Ambrosia +7 -Dou hear the man% <wenty ollars on 8unnysi e% A!tually, you know what% 'ake it forty ollars on 8unnysi e,0 'attie sai % I looke at my ol est gran aughter an winke %

-<hat a girl% Never let the opposition s!are you% &o with your gut% Never give in% Dou#ll never win big by always going with the sure thing,0 I sai as I put an arm aroun one of her shoul ers% After getting !orn ogs an beer, we ma e our way to our seats% )ithin minutes there was a rumble of hooves an the ra!e was un erway% -&oooooo Belvet, !omm#on Belvet, pi!k up the pa!e, you !an o it, on#t isappoint me, Belvet,0 I !heere % 'y gran aughter tugge at my shoul er%

-3apa, you bet on 8unnysi e, not Belvet,0 -No, I#m sure we bet on Belvet,0 I reassure her, hollering over the hoots an hollers% I turne my eyes from the tra!k an looke at her% (he looke sa as she shook her hea from si e to si e% -No, 3apa% 8unnysi e%0 Chapter 24 Paden &ran pa was polishing what he !alle his : an!ing shoes# when we arrive at his oor% A !o!k$eye smile sprea a!ross his fa!e as he tol us he ha a spe!ial surprise for us% *e walke to the free@er an retrieve three !orsages, a aisy for &ra!e, an iris for me, an an Asiati! lily for 'attie% )e helpe &ran pa pin our flowers on our resses an hea e own to the ining room%

Ambrosia +4 -<his stupi flower keeps /abbing me,0 &ra!e !omplaine to me in a whisper% 'ulti$!olore balloons fille the !eiling an oilies sat in the mi le of ea!h

table% <he !olors !lashe , the oilies were pitiful, an the room ha a foul sort of o or to it% -No e1pense spare here,0 &ran pa sai prou ly% <he ire!tor of the home was resse up in a tu1 taking pi!tures of the atten ing !ouples% -5et#s all get a pi!ture together, 3apa,0 'attie suggeste % &ra!e an I e1!hange looks of pure misery% )hy oes she always have to open her big$mouth I won ere 2 -If you want a pi!ture, we#ll get a pi!ture,0 &ran pa sai pulling a bla!k fine$ toothe !omb from his po!ket an brushing his hair ba!k% )e took our pla!e in the pi!ture line behin the man with the o1ygen mask an his ate, who sat in a wheel!hair a ing more makeup to the globs alrea y on her fa!e% After twenty slow motion minutes we finally were at the front of the line an took our pla!e in front of the huge light besi e the !amera% -An one, two>0 the photographer began to !ount an right at that moment someone to the left of us let out a huge fart% &ra!e turne her hea in the ire!tion of the offen ing soun , a look of isgust !ontorting her fa!e% I Gui!kly move my han up to my mouth in an attempt to stifle the giggles% 'attie i n#t even flin!h but pu!kere her lips to kiss my gran father on the !heek>-an three, smile,0 the photographer sai as the shutter on the !amera flashe %

Ambrosia ++ After feasting on a hot turkey san wi!h with some bro!!oli Ehow you have turkey an no potatoes I on#t knowF we were serve essert, Jell$O sGuares with fruit in them%

-'attie, remember how we use to tease &ra!e about being sti!k thin% )e use to tell her that if she i n#t listen to what we sai we woul turn on the air !on itioner an blow her away>0 -5ike I !oul help it I was skinny% Dou two fatties were probably /ust /ealous,0 &ra!e sai % -Oh yeah, like we were really /ealous of a seven$year$ol , an a s!rawny one at that,0 'attie sai winking at &ra!e% ->how about when we use to wrap her up in blankets an make her hol a woo sala bowl an re!ite that !ommer!ial that went>0 -Dour onation of /ust seven ollars a month !an help one starving !hil ,0 I finishe her senten!e% -I use to s!ream bloo y mur er when you two i that to me% If it wasn#t for &ran pa always !oming in to save me, who knows what else you two woul have one to me,0 &ra!e sai % -)e ma e you tough is all,0 'attie sai % -&ran pa, o you hear this2 <hey are trying to efen how they torture me%0 -*uh, I#m sorry, what i you say20 &ran pa aske , looking a little a@e % &ra!e shook her hea , -Just that I love you,0 she sai % -*uh20 -I love you,0 &ra!e sai lou er%

Ambrosia +6 -I love you girls too, now how about a an!e for your poor ol &ran a ,0 he

sai pushing his !hair ba!k from the table an stan ing to his feet% 'attie an he an!e first% <here was something so ten er about the way he an!e with her% It ma e me think how growing ol alone ha to be the worst of all !urses% As the song !ame to an en , he bent 'attie into a ramati! ip% Nothing !oul have looke sweeter% I snappe a pi!ture with one of the isposable !ameras lying on the table% <his shoul n#t be forgotten% # I e!i e to try an ease some tension with a se!on helping of the butter pe!an i!e !ream that I ha been substituting for my vitamin supplements an (lim 8ast ever sin!e my worl fell apart when the phone rang% No oubt it was 'attie, asking me to baby$sit as she has one almost every week for the past four months sin!e I#ve move home% -3a en, !an you !ome over tonight aroun ,900 an wat!h Au rey2 <here#s an a!ting !lass that starts tonight at the *anna%0 -(orry, !an#t% I have my thir interview tomorrow with that publishing !ompany% I#m going to iron my suit an interview myself in the mirror an then try to get to be at a e!ent hour%0 -3lease% It#s important%0 -I#ll sit ne1t week an you !an go to that !lass%0

Ambrosia +, -No, I nee to be there tonight% If I#m going to !ommit myself to perfe!ting my performan!e skills, I#ve got to be a K00Q e i!ate L I !an#t /ust pi!k an !hoose whi!h !lasses to atten an whi!h not to%0 -"hrist, fine% I#m not going to argue with you, set up your ironing boar for me%0 -<hanks, you#re the bestL I promise I#ll be ba!k by ten ; tops%0 = Chapter 25 Grandpa -<hanks (on,0 I sai as my son roppe me off in front of (t% 8eli!itas "hur!h% I walke insi e an took my usual seat in the !orner of the room% "arl, Al, 5ou, Ai1ie, an . na Jean were alrea y seate at the table% Ai1ie#s a nibby nose gossip who always hogs the bingo abbers, but we let her sit with us be!ause she is the newest wi ow in the pla!e an sympathy got the best of us% -(pen your winnings from last week yet, ol man20 5ou shoute , as he fi le with the volume on his hearing ai % -Dep, got some new spe!ial e ition !oins% )ait till I show you,0 I sai % -Dou#re lu!ky I i n#t turn you in for !heating in that !overall roun ,0 Ai1ie sai % -I !an#t help it% <he girl who passe out the !ar s gave me an e1tra one,0 I answere % -Dou shoul have pai for it on!e you noti!e ,0 . na !hime in, setting up her miniature glow in the ark statues of the Birgin 'ary on the table% -3lease, these bingo halls are no ifferent than those big ol !asinos they got in the esert, pouring with money I tell you%0

Ambrosia +J Ai1ie an . na shook their hea s in isapproval while "arl emitte some sort of soun that fell in between a grunt an a laugh% -*ey, is she here tonight2 I want to thank her for the e1tra !ar % I i n#t !at!h her last week% (he#s ma e me into a wealthy man%0 -?eally, it was only a hun re -I remember when a hun re ollar win,0 . na sai % ollars was enough to pay three or four bills an

buy a new pair of !ufflinks,0 5ou began to reminis!e% -All I know is that it was enough to buy me that !ommemorative Bietnam !oin I#ve ha my eye on at the flea market these past !ouple of weeks% (o nobo y answere me ; is she here20 -*aven#t seen her,0 5ou answere % -)ell, I hear she moonlights at some "ra@y *orse restaurant% (he resses up as a !owgirl an passes our rinks% (hort skirts an big boots they wear% <errible% Just terrible% <hat a girl of this ay an age must masGuera e aroun in some silly !ostume /ust to make a bu!k is !riminal,0 Ai1ie sai % -I on#t see how it#s any ifferent then the girls of our time% <he ones in short skirts on roller skates who passe out shakes an burgers,0 Al sai % -<hat#s e1a!tly the point% It isn#t ifferent% (houl n#t we have a van!e by now,0 Ai1ie sai % Chapter 26 Paden As I pulle up to the tiny bungalow my sister rente , 'attie was alrea y running out the oor yelling instru!tions% <here was .asy 'a! in the !abinet an Au rey#s me s

Ambrosia +I were measure out on the !ounter% *er green sippy !up with the pink straw was in the !abinet above the stove% It was the only !up Au rey woul rink out of%

I opene the s!reen oor to fin Au rey ha alrea y !limbe her way up onto the entertainment !enter an was trying to rink from the fish tank% -Au rey, own, get own%0 Au rey turne her fa!e, whi!h hel no sign of re!ognition, towar me before slowly in!hing her way ba!k own to the groun % (he walke past me until she rea!he the wi!ker basket full of !lassifie a s in the !orner of the room% (he pro!ee e to sit own on the floor an page relentlessly through the a s% -*ow are you to ay>%Are you goo 2%%%<hat#s goo ,0 I sai , pushing Au rey#s hair ba!k from her fa!e% Our family ha gotten use to !on u!ting su!h running ialogue with themselves, knowing, in all likelihoo that Au rey woul probably never answer ba!k% I let Au rey en/oy her !lassifie s for awhile, an then walke her to the table to eat before taking her me s% I opene the refrigerator oor, !overe with magnets !ommemorating Croa way shows, to get some orange /ui!e for Au rey% As soon as I got her seate at the table the phone starte to ring% Au rey put her palms to her ears an starte s!reaming% -Des, hello,0 I sai into the phone while rea!hing hurrie ly to get Au rey a !up an /ui!e to try an Guiet her own% -*oney, its 'om,0 there was an e ge of pani! in her voi!e% -'attie tol me you were sitting% I on#t want you to pani! but>0 -Cut, what20 I aske setting the /ui!e on the !ounter an the !up in front of

Ambrosia 60 Au rey% -&ran pa#s missing%0 Au rey batte over the !up an began to s!ream even lou er, sma!king the table with her han s% -(hit>shit>shit>wrong !up,0 I sai , half to myself, as I grabbe a roll of paper towels to !lean up the spille /ui!e% -3a en, are you alright>!an you hear me20 my mother aske % -)hat2 *ol on% >(orry>Au rey, here look at this,0 I sai grabbing a <arget flyer from off the !ounter, whi!h seeme to !alm her for the moment% -)hat now, 'om20 -)ell, after the in!i ent at "hristmas your father promise &ran pa that he woul pi!k him up an rop him off wherever he nee e to go as a bargaining tool to get

&ran pa to give up the !ar keys%0 -Deah, I remember% &ran pa !urse up a storm%0 -<onight, your Aa pi!ke &ran pa up from the assiste living pla!e, an roppe him off at Cingo%0 -Aon#t they have a bingo pla!e at the assiste living !enter20 I aske % -Des, but stubborn ol man your &ran father is, he refuses to play bingo there be!ause they on#t have free mun!hies sitting out on the table an he says that the bingo !aller fi1es the game%0 -*ow !an you fi1 a bingo game20

Ambrosia 6K -)ho knows>anyways, when your father went to pi!k him up there was no sign of him% I wante to wait to phone you, but your Aa sai you ought to know an insiste I !all right away%0 -)ell what#s going on now20 I aske % -Dour father is out looking for him%0 -)hat if he tries to !all Aa 20 -Dour father#s !alls are being transferre here% On!e &ran pa is foun , he#s going to move in with your father, whi!h is goo % <hey !an keep ea!h other !ompany%0 -Cut 'om, it#s getting late an his memory has been getting worse% )hat if he !an#t remember how to get home, who to !all or what if>0 I began rambling, soun ing like a s!are !hil % All the while, I was imagining &ran pa slumpe over a railing in some eserte street, trying to remember how he ha gotten there an how to get ba!k from where he ha !ome% -3a en, I#ve tol you a million times we !an#t worry about what ifs% Just hol tight an we#ll !all you with any up ates,0 she sai % -I love you% "all soon%0 As I hung up the phone I glan!e first at Au rey an then up at the !lo!k% It was Guarter past eight% At K09K+ there was still no news about &ran pa an no sign of 'attie% I ha repeate ly trie 'attie#s phone, but only rea!he her voi!e mail re!or e over some show tune song in the ba!kgroun % = 8ifteen minutes later I iale my Aa #s !ell phone%

Ambrosia 62 -Aa , it#s me% Any sign of him yet20 -Not yet sweetie, but on#t worry, I#ll fin him,0 my Aa sai trying to soun reassuring but failing miserably% I on!e again, envisione &ran pa alone on the streets% <his time when I imagine him, he wasn#t slumpe over a railingL he was being harasse by gang members who wante to kill him% -"ome on, ol man% 'ove faster% Dour wallet ; Now,0 I !oul here them taunting him while sashaying a knife in front of his fa!e% = -3ri!e !he!k in aisle four% 3ri!e !he!k in aisle four,0 a voi!e sai over the lou speaker% Au rey an I have been walking up an own the aisles aimlessly for about an

hour now% 'yself, !on/uring up every horrible thing that !oul possibly happen to &ran pa, an Au rey trying to pull anything she !oul rea!h from the buggy off of the shelves% I really ha no i ea why I ha ragge Au rey out at this time of night, but I

!oul n#t /ust sit an stare at the phone any longer% Au rey is usually up at all hours of the night anyway, epen ing on her me i!ation of the week, so I figure it !oul n#t hurt to take her up the street to &iant .agle for a little aisle pa!ing% I remember my sister telling me that sometimes ri ing in the !art even !alms Au rey% <here were a few nights where 'attie woul go to the 24 hour )al$'art, or some other su!h store whi!h was open all night, at 7 an 4 in the morning /ust to push Au rey in the !art to try an get her to sleep%

Ambrosia 67 <onight, Au rey seeme ultra$hyper whi!h influen!e my e!ision to take her out% I ha !alle 'om an tol her what we were oing an to !all the !ell phone with any news an I left 'attie a note on the !ounter telling her to !all my !ell when she got in% (omething seeme to upset Au rey in the eli aisle as she starte s!reaming for no obvious reason% I franti!ally pushe the !art into another aisle% 5ooking at my sele!tions, I seeme to have gotten everything I nee e 9 "osmopolitan, Kahlua, milk, an two more !artons of butter pe!an% It#s a won er I on#t weigh K000 poun s I thought staring at the *agaan Aaa@ !ontainers% Just as I was walking through the feminine hygiene aisle, my phone rang% -Caby, we foun him% .verything#s okay,0 my mom sai into the phone before I !oul even get out a hello% -<hank &o ,0 I sai tapping my foot nervously on the floor% I wipe my eyes% -)here was he20 I aske % -Dou are never going to believe this% <he "ra@y *orse0 -)hat2R As in the strip !lub2 )hat2 )hy2 *ow20 -Dou got it% <he poli!e !alle saying the manager of the strip /oint !alle , after repeate ly trying to !oa1 an ol man off the stage who was a!!osting a performing stripper%0 -No, please say he i n#t,0 I sai % -Oh, he i % &ran pa kept !alling the stripper .thel an trie !overing her up with his !oat%0

Ambrosia 64 -*e thought she was &ran ma20 -Apparently% *e kept shouting at her that this sort of establishment was no pla!e for a la y an that it was time to go home,0 'om sai barely able to get the wor s out through her laughter% I then followe suit an let out a huge laugh, the kin of laugh that !omes from eep own an hurts your stoma!h in a goo feeling kin of way% Au rey was ripping all of the !oupons out of a ispenser /utting out from the perio pa shelf% It was that !ontinuous, !ontagious kin of laugh you !oul n#t stop if you trie % 'ore !oupons fell to the floor% <he kin of laugh you get as a ki in !hur!h an !an#t stop, no matter how many looks you get from surroun ing pews, or from fellow gro!ery shoppers, as the !ase may be% A laugh I thought I ha lost I ha n#t use it in so long% Jare no longer mattere % 'y ol /ob no longer mattere % <he only thing that shoul have ever mattere in the first pla!e, seeme to matter now more than ever% 8amily% I looke at my surroun ings% Hueer an ysfun!tional as they all were, they ma e life so mu!h more

meaningful, so mu!h more fun% <here I stoo between the vagi!ream an the ou!he% <he ispenser, now !ompletely evoi of !oupons% I laughe again% Cefore leaving &iant .agle, I e!i e one more trip to the i!e !ream aisle was in or er% I passe the !ream!i!les, i!e$!ream san wi!hes, Italian i!es, an your basi! Neapolitan bran s of i!e !ream before I rea!he the fourth froste where the *agan Aaa@ butter pe!an ma e its home% I rea!he oor, thir shelf,

own into my buggy, first

grabbe one of the !artons an then the other, opene the frosty oor, pla!e both of them ba!k an hea e for the e1press !he!kout lane% It was a vi!tory, however small%

Ambrosia 6+ # Au rey an I got home aroun half past KK900 an at Guarter to twelve tires s!ree!he on the riveway% 'attie bree@e through the oorway talking in a fren@y% -Dou woul n#t believe how helpful that a!ting seminar was><he instru!tor stu ie at ND4 an >)hat#s wrong2 )hy are you looking at me like that20 she aske putting her purse on the !ounter% I glan!e own at my wat!h%

-&o , 3a en, so what, I#m an hour late%0 -<ry two,0 I sai hol ing my fingers up for emphasis% -I woul n#t !omplain if it ha been you%0 -<hat#s the problem 'attie, it is always only ever about you% I !alle your phone a million times% )hy i n#t you answer20 -'y battery ie %0 -)hy are you so late20 -I went out for a rink with a !ouple people from the seminar% )hat, o I have to !he!k in with you on the hour every hour20 'attie snappe , arranging the flyers on the table% -Deah, that might have been wise% Dou# think you woul want to !he!k in on Au rey sin!e she is your aughter%0 -"hrist, 3a en, I left her with you, my sister, for the e1a!t reason that I i n#t think I woul have to worry while she#s in your !are%0

Ambrosia 66 -)ell, ha you !alle you woul have known that &ran pa#s been missing for the past !ouple of hours%0 -)hat are you talking about $ $ &ran pa was missing20 'attie#s voi!e !hange o!taves an her hea /erke up% -Aon#t worry, he#s been foun , but that still oesn#t e1!use you from never being aroun when this kin of stuff happens,0 I sai , !learly irritate % -)hat is that suppose to mean2 I#m aroun this family as mu!h as you are an if you !ount all the time you were in "hi!ago, I#ve been aroun a whole lot more%0 -Deah, be!ause you want a goo meal an a free sitter% 'om an Aa have enough on their han s worrying about &ran pa, let alone having you ask them to wat!h Au rey all the times that I !an#t,0 I sai % -8u!k you, 3a en,0 'attie sai lo!king eyes with me% -'om won#t say these things to you, but I will% (he always pities you be!ause of Au rey, but she shoul n#t% <hat e1!use gets ol % Dou#re out there !hasing your reams while everyone else is ealing with all the shit life ishes out% Dou are not fu!king Natalie )oo so eal with it%0 -Cullshit% I know all about life ishing out shit% I got se!on an thir helpings of it%0 -Okay, now you#re /ust being a rama Gueen%0 -If you think I#m being selfish be!ause I nee to get away for /ust a bit from the biting, the wrist flapping, the sleepless nights, then that is /ust too fu!king ba % Dou think you know what my life is like with Au rey, be!ause you wat!h her on!e a week ;

Ambrosia 6, multiply that by a million an maybe you !oul start to un erstan what it feels like to be me% It#s mu!h more ramati! than you !oul imagine,0 'attie sai % -I#m not saying I know what it#s like to be you>I never !oul , but>0 I looke own into my lap% -)ell until you o, you better Guit fu!king /u ging me as if you o% I#ve s!rewe up lots of things, but when I hel Au rey in my arms for the first time I knew that the one thing I never wante to s!rew up was being her mother, but my &o , my own !hil oesn#t even know me, let alone nee me% "hrist, it took four months of therapy /ust to get her to look at me when I !alle her name% (o long as she has her go an her green !up an her pink straw the worl is fu!king fabulous%0 )e both instin!tively looke over to where Au rey was sitting on the !ou!h, still wi e awake% Au rey was lost in her own worl an not even our s!reaming was enough to bring her ba!k% I looke ba!k at 'attie who now looke as a@e as her aughter% -I#m so sorry,0 I sai rea!hing out to hug her% 'attie pulle away before walking over to Au rey whom she s!oope up in her arms% (he flippe the light swit!h on the wall an starte upstairs% I steppe out onto the por!h, pulling the oor !lose behin me% = amn !lassifie s

Ambrosia 6J

CHAPTER 2 Mattie

I entere the au ition, Au rey in tow% After my fight with 3a en I i n#t feel !omfortable asking anyone to wat!h Au rey, an so against my better /u gment I brought my aughter with me% I ebate about even going to the au ition, but giving up on my life#s passion !oul only make me a worse mother, not a better one as 3a en woul assert% 3eople who stash away their ambitions only be!ome bitter an regretful in the en % I refuse to be!ome that% 8or my sake an for my aughter#s% Au rey was pretty !ontent to ay, so I i n#t think having her a!!ompany me to a twenty minute au ition woul work out for the worst% -(orry, I !oul n#t fin a sitter,0 I sai , as Au rey an I entere the room% I prompte Au rey to sit an han e her a newspaper from my huge wi!ker tote bag% <he ire!tor looke annoye , but sai nothing so I went ire!tly to the pianist an gave her some sheet musi!% *alfway through verse one, I saw the ire!tor avert his hea !ompletely away from me% I followe his stare an foun that it ha reste on Au rey, who kept falling off a !hair a!ross the room an asking herself, -Are you okay2 Are you okay20 in a soft sing$song voi!e% It took him a minute, before he reali@e I ha Guit singing% I reali@e at that moment how a!!ustome I ha be!ome to Au rey#s o ways%

<o me, any wor she uttere was pre!ious as she ha to relearn all language% <o other people my aughter was a freak, nothing less, nothing more% *e looke !ompletely appalle at this waste of his time%

Ambrosia 6I -(orry>I#m really sorry about the interruption,0 I sai % <he !asting ire!tor move his eyes from Au rey to me% -5ook 5a y, this isn#t a mommy an me !lass% <he oor is to your left% Aon#t forget your bag on the way out%0 Chapter 2! Fall 2004 Paden I groggily turne overL my feet tangle in the !overs to blin ly rea!h for the snoo@e button on the alarm% I ha e!i e to in ulge in an afternoon nap an still ha n#t

felt rea y to leave the !abana boy in my ream% Just as one !abana boy was rubbing some *awaiian <ropi! on my beautifully bron@e shoul ers while another one fe me butter pe!an from a silver spoon, the s!reaming siren soun e again% (on of a bit!h I sai out lou vowing to buy one of those soothing nature alarm !lo!ks as soon as I got a !han!e% I rea!he over to hit snoo@e on!e more an when the soun refuse to silen!e I reali@e that this time it ha been the phone ringing an not the alarm% I grabbe the !or less from the nightstan % -*ello,0 I sai !urtly, still half asleep% -I i it% I got a !all ba!k for that in epen ent film I was telling you about%0 Knowing this wasn#t going to be a short hi an bye sort of phone !all I sli into my slippers an hea e for 'r% "offee%

Ambrosia ,0 -<hey want me to !ome in for a s!reen test% <hey only !hose five other girls to !ome in to au ition again ; an I was one of them% I think this is it% "oul you please pi!k Au rey up from spee!h an wat!h her till I#m one20 Cefore I even answere her, I stumble to the !loset an aimlessly sear!he for a !lean pair of pants an a shirt that was only semi$wrinkle % 'attie soun e so ti!kle I knew I woul n#t be able to tell her no% 'attie rarely got !all$ba!ks an ha only ever one one s!reen test for her ebut in the after$s!hool spe!ial% (o, all in all, this was a pretty big a!!omplishment% -(ure an hey $0 I sai % -Deah20 -Creak a leg%0 I hear 'attie giggle, runk with gi y, right before she hung up the phone% = I pi!ke up Au rey from therapy an took her for i!e !ream, one of the appro1imately K0 foo s she woul eat, before hea ing ba!k to my sister#s house% )hile waiting in line for one s!oop mint !ho!olate !hip an one s!oop vanilla, my !ell phone rang% -&ran pa#s ha a stroke% )here are you2 Dou nee to !ome to the hospital now% I#m !alling your sister an then I#ve got to get ba!k in there% <hey have him stabili@e but>0 3a en#s mom sai , !hoking on ea!h wor until her voi!e finally traile off% -'attie#s not home, I#ve got Au rey% (he !alle me last minute to sit% )e#ll be there soon an I#ll try to get a hol of 'attie% Dou get ba!k in there%0

Ambrosia ,K -&o , I#m so gla you !alle ; I !ompletely forgot to turn this thing off><here are two girls in front>0 'attie sai % -&ran pa ha a stroke% I#m on my way to (t% .#s now%0 = Chapter 2# Mattie <here ha been two girls in front of me a few minutes before 3a en ha !alle % One girl ha alrea y walke out !rying an the se!on one was in there now% It woul only take me K0, maybe K+ minutes to finish the au ition% I# wait it out% 3apa woul want me to% Cut as I sat on the !hair out in the hallway, trying to rehearse my lines, memories starte assaulting me% ?i ing on my gran father#s ba!k in the swimming pool as a !hil making him preten to be (hamu, !at!hing lighting bugs on summer nights, the time he gave me a stan ing ovation for my part as the Birgin 'ary in the fifth gra e "hristmas show hel at my gra e s!hool EI ha never felt so happy to be embarrasse F% I fishe franti!ally for my keys an on!e I foun them turne Gui!kly on my heels an ran out to the !ar% I !rie the whole way to the hospital9 I !rie for my 3apaL I !rie for my aughter, I !rie for myself% After taking the elevator to the ,th floor, a nurse ire!te me to room ,K,% Au rey sat in a !hair pulle up ne1t to the be an rubbe her !heek up an own the be railing%

It was !ompletely inappropriate, but I i n#t !are an I i n#t try to stop her% <here they sat, one#s whose life was nearly over, an one whose life never really got a !han!e to begin% &ran pa#s eyes were !lose an Au rey#s might as well have been, as there was

Ambrosia ,2 no e1pression in them whatsoever% An yet, they both seeme to be at pea!e somehow% )hen a nurse !ame in to !he!k the ma!hines, her stethos!ope a!!i entally brushe the bare skin on Au rey#s arm% <he !ol sensation !ause by the s!ope sent Au rey into hysteri!s% 'y parents offere to take her own to the !afeteria to !alm her own for a minute, !laiming they nee e !offee anyways% &ra!e went with them, not being goo at showing any sort of emotion, I#m sure she relishe an e1!use to make an e1it out of that sterile hospital room% I staye with 3a en at my gran father#s be si e% Chapter $0 Paden 'attie i n#t say a wor L she /ust stoo there an stroke our gran father#s forehea while I stoo opposite of her hol ing his han % *e lay there motionless, almost as if he were alrea y ea % 'attie leane own to kiss his temple an when she ha

begun to lift her hea ba!k up &ran pa groane an one wor was spoken ; only one% *e i n#t open his eyes but softly, slowly, he whispere the wor -Nat0% 'attie looke at him in isbelief an then turne towar s me as if for !onfirmation% 'attie was biting the insi e of her !heek an tears were !reeping stea ily own her fa!e% I no slowly up an e my hea

own an manage a small smile% *e !oul have been trying to say :nap#

or :no# or :'at#% It was har to tell% <he truth was it i n#t really matter what he sai be!ause what 'attie hear was a man !alling out for a girl name -Nat%0 An so in the en , 'attie i fin the kin of re!ognition she ha always longe for% It was a gift% *er gift% A gift from a man who might not have known he ha even given it% An with a beep of a ma!hine &ran pa was gone%

Ambrosia ,7 Chapter $1 Mattie A nurse !ame in to usher us out of his room an into a family lounge% As we walke out the oor of hospital room ,K,, I stoppe an turne ba!k% I !oul faintly hear the voi!es of my parents an my aughter !rying /ust outsi e the oor, in the ba!kgroun behin me, but I ha be!ome stu!k in a moment as I wat!he the or erly pull the iving room !urtain shut% Chapter $2 3a en After leaving the hospital, my family stoppe at the lo!al Aenny#s to get a bite to eat an to try an win own% )e all got some sort of breakfast meal, even though it was

approa!hing mi night% )e all /ust seeme to sit there% <he !omibination of worry, hunger, an sleepiness i n#t len itself to goo !onversation% &ra!e finally broke the silen!e, asking whether we thought she shoul get the eggs bene i!t or moons over my hammy% Au rey was fol ing the !orners of the napkin ba!k an forth% 'om put her han over Aa #s an aske if he was okay% <he waitress !ame over an aske four our rink or ers% All of us opte for !offee% )hen the waitress brought ba!k our !offees, Aa han e mom two sweet$n$lows an the !reamer% -<hanks, but I on#t take it that way anymore,0 'om sai , half$smilingly%