Adapted from materials provided by The Mentoring Partnership of New York, Mentoring In the Faith Community: An Operations Manual

for Program Coordinators and from Virginia Mentoring Partnership.

MENTOR ROLES AND TASKS

Here are some games to play that present a mentor s roles and responsibilities !as well as what he or she is not responsible for". This is one of the most important se#tions in the training, so the more f$n it is, the more memorable it will be. What Is and What Is Not a Mentor? Real-Life Mentors %or people to really $nderstand what a mentor is, it helps to have them think abo$t someone who has been a mentor for them in their own life. This a#tivity is a good lead&in to the 'what is a mentor( pie#e of the training. Ask if anyone has had a mentor before. !)ften, no one will answer 'yes( be#a$se they think mentors have to be people yo$ meet thro$gh mentoring programs." *+plain that a mentor #o$ld be anyone older in his or her life who has offered advi#e, g$idan#e or a listening ear !s$#h as a tea#her, sibling or neighbor". Ask again who has had a mentor !yo$ will find more positive responses this time". Ask these people to share with the gro$p who their mentor was and what ,$alities made him or her a good mentor.

Mentor Family Feud -eforehand. Prepare a flip #hart with two #ol$mns as follows !or $se whatever words yo$ think best des#ribe a mentor s role". A Mentor Is: A Mentor Isnt: %riend Parent/0$ardian 0$ide 1o#ial 2orker 3istener ATM
4onfidant -abysitter

5eso$r#e -roker

6is#iplinarian

4over $p the answers with slips of paper so that yo$ #an reveal them as people g$ess them #orre#tly. 1plit the a$dien#e into two teams. Pi#k one team to go first. They m$st pi#k a #ol$mn !what a mentor is, or what a mentor isn t" and try to g$ess one of the answers. Yo$ #an tell them that these are all no$ns and were generated by #ond$#ting a large s$rvey. These responses are the top five re#orded answers from the s$rvey.

Qualities of a Good Mentor

2hile yo$ are dis#$ssing what a mentor is, yo$ may want to have the gro$p think abo$t what the ,$alities of a good mentor are. Have them brainstorm a list of ,$alities that their own mentors have had, the kind of mentor they want to be, or the kind of mentor they wo$ld like to have themselves. This brainstorming e+er#ise #an help #larify what a mentor is and #an give the vol$nteers a list of ,$alities to aim for.

4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Train the Trainer 4$rri#$l$m.

A Mentor Is . . .
A trusted guide or friend Yo$ng people today do not get m$#h of an opport$nity to be friends with ad$lts, espe#ially ad$lts who are going to listen to them. A caring, res onsi!le adult He or she provides a##ess to people, pla#es and things o$tside the mentee s ro$tine environment. A ositi"e role model A mentor may be a positive role model. A role model is someone the yo$th aspires to be like, whereas a mentor is someone who offers to help the yo$th be whoever he or she wants to be. Today, yo$th have many role models7 however, they are not ne#essarily positive role models.

#ey $ualities of a %ood Mentor 0ood listener7 Persistent7 4ommitted7 and Patient. A Mentor Is Not & & & Mentors m$st $nderstand that they #annot be all things to their mentees. 8$ite often when mentors r$n into problems in their relationships, it is be#a$se the mentor, the mentee or the parent/legal g$ardian did not $nderstand the proper role of a mentor. The mentor may have taken on one of the following inappropriate roles. A arent'legal guardian The role of a parent or legal g$ardian !governed by law" is to provide food, shelter and #lothing. 9t is not the mentor s role to f$lfill these responsibilities. 9f the mentor believes his or her mentee is not re#eiving ade,$ate s$pport, he or she sho$ld #onta#t the mentor program #oordinator rather than trying to meet the needs of his or her mentee. A social (or)er A so#ial worker is a li#ensed professional with the ne#essary skills and training to assist in family iss$es. 9f a mentor believes there is something wrong in the mentee s home life, the mentor sho$ld share this #on#ern with the mentor program #oordinator and not ass$me the role of a so#ial worker and attempt to solve the problem. A sychologist A mentor is not a formal #o$nselor or therapist. A psy#hologist or psy#hiatrist is a li#ensed professional. It is more appropriate for a mentor to act as a resource broker and show the mentee how to access the ser ices and resources he or she needs than to pro ide those ser ices!

4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Train the Trainer 4$rri#$l$m.

The Four Primary Tasks of a Mentor

*sta!lish a ositi"e, ersonal relationshi (ith mentee: *sta!lish mutual trust and res ect+ Maintain reg$lar intera#tion and #onsistent s$pport7 and Make yo$r meetings en:oyable and f$n. ,el mentee to de"elo or !egin to de"elo life s)ills: 2ork with yo$r mentee to a##omplish spe#ifi# program goals !e.g., drop&o$t prevention, general #areer awareness"7 and 9nstill the framework for developing broader life&management skills, !e.g., de#ision& making skills, goal&setting skills, #onfli#t resol$tion, money management".

Assist mentee in o!taining additional resources:

Provide awareness of #omm$nity, ed$#ational and e#onomi# reso$r#es available to yo$th and their families, and how to a##ess these reso$r#es. A#t as a reso$r#e broker as opposed to a reso$r#e provider7 A#t as a g$ide and/or advo#ate, #oa#h and/or model7 and Avoid a#ting as a professional #ase manager. View the role of a mentor as a friend rather than a #o$nselor.

9n#rease mentee s ability to intera#t with people/gro$ps/things from vario$s ba#kgro$nds !#$lt$ral, ra#ial, so#ioe#onomi#, et#.". 5espe#t and e+plore differen#es among people/gro$ps from vario$s ba#kgro$nds. 6o not promote val$es and beliefs of one gro$p as s$perior to those of another7 and 9ntrod$#e mentee to different environments, s$#h as workpla#e vs. s#hool setting7 dis#$ss differen#es in behavior, attit$de and style of dress.

4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Train the Trainer 4$rri#$l$m.

-I./ F0R 12IL3IN% A M*N-0RIN% R*LA-I0N/,I.

4& 1e there& 2hen yo$ show $p for every meeting with yo$r mentee and strive to make things work o$t yo$ send yo$r mentee a strong message that yo$ #are and that he or she is worth #aring abo$t. 5& 1e a friend, not an all-)no(ing authority& -e the ad$lt in yo$r mentee;s life who is :$st there witho$t having to fi+ him or her. Hanging o$t and talking is s$rprisingly helpf$l to a yo$ng person s healthy development. Yo$ng people learn more #onversing with ad$lts than they do :$st listening to them. 9n the words of a mentee. 'My parents le#t$re me all the time. 2hy wo$ld 9 want my mentor to be the same way< 9 have the best mentor in the program, b$t sometimes he tries too hard to be a mentor instead of :$st being himself. 2hat 9 mean is that he thinks he always has to share some wisdom or advi#e, when sometimes 9 wo$ld rather :$st ki#k it and :oke aro$nd.( )f #o$rse, when yo$r mentee #omes to yo$ for help or advi#e, it is appropriate to help them develop sol$tions. 9t;s also okay to #he#k in with them if yo$ s$spe#t that they are str$ggling with something. They :$st don;t want non&stop advi#e. 1o, take the press$re off of yo$rself and :$st en:oy yo$r mentee;s #ompany. 6& 1e a role model& The best that yo$ #an do is to lead by e+ample. -y be#oming a mentor, yo$;ve already modeled the most important thing a h$man being #an do. #aring abo$t another. Here are some other ways yo$ #an be a positive role model for yo$r mentee. =eep yo$r word. 4all when yo$ say yo$ will. 6o what yo$ say yo$ will. -e there when yo$ say yo$ will7 5et$rn phone #alls and e&mails promptly7 Have a positive o$tlook7 9f yo$r program has gro$p sessions, parti#ipate f$lly7 9f yo$ enter a #ompetitive a#tivity with yo$r mentee, keep it in perspe#tive and by all means do not #heat !or even f$dge a little" to help yo$r mentee win, get a better pla#e in line at an event, et#.7 and 3et yo$r mentee see yo$ going o$t of yo$r way to help others.

7& ,el your mentee ha"e a say in your acti"ities& 1ome mentees will have a lot of s$ggestions abo$t what yo$ #an do together, b$t most will need a little g$idan#e on yo$r part. 9f yo$r mentee doesn;t have any preferen#es, start by giving them a range of #hoi#es. >Here are some things we #an do. 2hi#h ones so$nd good to yo$<>

4o$rtesy of 4alifornia 0overnor s Mentoring Partnership and 3os Angeles Yo$th Mentoring 4onne#tion.

8& 1e ready to hel out& 2hen yo$r mentee lets yo$ know that he or she is str$ggling with a problem, yo$ #an help o$t by following these tips. -e there for yo$r mentee and make it #lear that yo$ want to help7 -e a friend, not an all&knowing a$thority. 6on;t fi+ a problem. Ask ,$estions and help yo$r mentee fig$re o$t how to #ome $p with answers7 Model ways to solve problems. Yo$ #an also be a role model by des#ribing how yo$ over#ame a similar problem in yo$r life. Metaphor is a great tea#her7 0ive yo$r mentee a say. )n#e he or she #omes $p with a sol$tion, don;t try to #ome $p with a better one, b$t help e+plore all the possibilities and offer s$pport7 and -e ready to help o$t by #he#king ba#k and seeing how things worked o$t.

4o$rtesy of 4alifornia 0overnor s Mentoring Partnership and 3os Angeles Yo$th Mentoring 4onne#tion.

R*/.0N/I1L* M*N-0RIN% -he *M- %rou

!www.emt.org/p$bli#ations.html"

3ifficult Issues
1y 3ustianne North, M&/&W& 1ensitive iss$es that #ome $p between a mentor and mentee re,$ire different levels of response and intervention. These iss$es have been gro$ped below as deli#ate topi#s, iss$es of #on#ern and #rises re,$iring intervention. However, any of these iss$es may move $p or down this #ontin$$m depending on the serio$sness of the a#tions involved.

Delicate Topics
0enerally speaking, deli#ate topi#s sho$ld be dis#$ssed only when initiated by the mentee. These topi#s #an be to$#hy and strongly affe#t the relationship. 4onfidentiality takes on greater importan#e with these topi#s. Altho$gh mentors sho$ld be ade,$ately trained to deal with these iss$es on their own, they sho$ld be en#o$raged to seek s$pport and feedba#k from their s$pervisor and other mentors when their mentee has bro$ght iss$es s$#h as these to their attention. *+amples of deli#ate topi#s. 1e+ Peer press$re Hygiene -ehavior 1#hool performan#e 1elf&image/personal inse#$rities 9dentity iss$es. #lass, #$lt$ral and se+$al )thers???????????????????????????

Issues of 9oncern
9ss$es of #on#ern are those that may have lifelong impli#ations for the mentee, and therefore the mentor needs to report them to the agency. However, these iss$es do not ne#essarily re,$ire dire#t intervention. -e#a$se these iss$es may be part of ongoing sit$ations and #onditions that mentees fa#e, mentors need to be trained and s$pported to a##ept these aspe#ts of the mentees lives witho$t :$dgment. Mentors and mentoring programs sho$ld not fo#$s too heavily on #hanging behavior when iss$es s$#h as these arise. Nevertheless, by staying aware of the #hallenges their mentees m$st fa#e, they may be able to help mentees ameliorate these problems over time.

4o$rtesy of The Mentoring Partnership of New York, Mentoring in the Faith Community: An Operations Manual for Program Coordinators

*+amples of 9ss$es of 4on#ern. @nsafe se+ %ighting at s#hool 6epression 6elin,$ent behavior 0ang affiliation 1$bstan#e ab$se Verbal harassment. se+$al, ra#ial, b$llying, others )thers.??????????????????????????????????

Crises Requiring Intervention

4rises involve iss$es of grave #on#ern that generally re,$ire dire#t and immediate intervention. 1ome of these iss$es, like #hild ab$se and negle#t, are mandated by law to be reported to the #o$nty7 others may re,$ire a referral of a dire#t intervention by the mentor program. M*NT)51 1H)@36 N*V*5 -* *AP*4T*6 T) HAN63* 911@*1 1@4H A1 TH*1* A3)N*. 9n addition, many of these iss$es re,$ire #ollaboration with families of mentees, and this sho$ld be handled by the mentor program manager. *+amples of 4rises 5e,$iring 9ntervention. 4hild ab$se and negle#t Ab$sive relationships. se+$al ab$se, in#est, dating violen#e/rape 4hemi#al dependen#y 1erio$s delin,$en#y/arrests 1$i#idal behavior Mental illness Physi#al harassment. se+$al, ra#ial, b$llying, others )ther tra$ma )thers????????????????????????????????????

!'5esponsible Mentoring B Talking Abo$t 6r$gs, 1e+ and )ther 6iffi#$lt 9ss$es( is a pro:e#t of The *val$ation Management Training 0ro$p, 9n#., %$nded thro$gh The 4alifornia 6epartment of Al#ohol and 6r$g Programs."

4o$rtesy of The Mentoring Partnership of New York, Mentoring in the Faith Community: An Operations Manual for Program Coordinators.

Discussing Delicate Issues: Guidelines for Mentors

.ut the mentee at ease & & & 1tay #alm. @se body lang$age to #omm$ni#ate attentiveness !e.g., maintain eye #onta#t, sit at same level". Avoid :$dgmental statements s$#h as '2hy wo$ld yo$ do something like that<( or '9 think yo$ know better.( -e honest if yo$ are getting emotional or $pset. 3et mentee know that yo$ are glad he or she #ame to yo$. 5eass$re mentee that his or her #onfidentiality will be honored. @se ta#t, b$t be honest. Allow mentee to talk at his or her own pa#eCdon t for#e an iss$e. 6o not pryCallow mentee to bring $p topi#s he or she is #omfortable with. 6o not #ollaborate with mentee s family to provide dis#ipline. )ther tho$ghts. ?????????????????????????

,onor the mentees right to self-determination & & &

%o#$s on the mentee s feelings and needs rather than :$mping to problem solving. 2hen iss$e has been talked abo$t, ask, '2hat do yo$ think yo$ wo$ld like to do abo$t this sit$ation<( 'How wo$ld yo$ like me to help<( 9f yo$ are not #omfortable with what the mentee wants to do, ask yo$rself why before yo$ de#ide whether to say so. 9f what the mentee wants to do is not possible, e+plain so gently and apologiDe. Ask what alternative sol$tions wo$ld make the mentee #omfortable. *n#o$rage #riti#al thinking thro$gh ,$estions and refle#tions. @se the words, '9 don t knowCwhat do yo$ think<( )ther tho$ghts. ???????????????????????????

Proble

solve an! o""er resources # # #

=now yo$r appropriate role as a mentor. -e honest with mentee if #onfidentiality does not hold. 1$ggest that yo$r s$pervisor may have some tho$ghts if yo$ don t know what to do. Ask mentee if he or she wo$ld like to talk to the agen#y with yo$ if ne#essary. Provide information if mentee is $naware of reso$r#es or options. -rainstorm with mentee and be #reative in finding a sol$tionCthere is $s$ally more than one way to handle a sit$ation and this pro#ess is ed$#ational for the mentee. )ffer to a##ompany mentee if he or she is $n#omfortable with something he or she has de#ided to do. "e colla#orati eCyo$ are a team. Follow through with any and all commitments! )ther tho$ghts. ??????????????????????????????

!'5esponsible Mentoring B Talking Abo$t 6r$gs, 1e+ and )ther 6iffi#$lt 9ss$es( is a pro:e#t of The *val$ation Management Training 0ro$p, 9n#., %$nded thro$gh The 4alifornia 6epartment of Al#ohol and 6r$g Programs."

4o$rtesy of The Mentoring Partnership of New York, Mentoring in the Faith Community: An Operations Manual for Program Coordinators!

*:AM.L*/ 0F R0A31L09#/ -0 *FF*9-I;* 90MM2NI9A-I0N

The following, while not always bad to $se, have a tenden#y to #lose down #omm$ni#ation rather than open $p #omm$ni#ation and sho$ld be avoided in #onversations with mentees. 0rdering, directing, commanding Telling the #hild to do something7 giving the #hild an order or #ommand.

'9 don t #are what other #hildren are doing C and yo$ have to do the yard workE( 'Now yo$ go ba#k $p there and play with 0inny and Foy#e.( '1top #omplainingE(
Morali<ing, reaching = shoulds and oughts 9nvoking vag$e o$tside a$thority as a##epted tr$th.

'Yo$ sho$ldn t a#t like that.( 'Yo$ o$ght to do . . .( '4hildren are s$pposed to respe#t their elders.(
-eaching, lecturing, gi"ing logical arguments Trying to infl$en#e the #hild with fa#ts, #o$nter&arg$ments, logi#, information or yo$r own opinion.

'4ollege #an be the most wonderf$l e+perien#e yo$ ll ever have.( '4hildren m$st learn to get along with one another.( '3et s look at the fa#ts abo$t #ollege grad$ates.( '9f kids learn to take responsibility aro$nd the ho$se, they ll grow $p to be responsible ad$lts.( '2hen 9 was yo$r age, 9 had twi#e as m$#h to do as yo$.(
>udging, critici<ing, disagreeing, !laming Making a negative :$dgment or eval$ation of the #hild.

'Yo$ re not thinking #learly.( 'That s an immat$re point of view.( 'Yo$ re very wrong abo$t that.( '9 #o$ldn t disagree with yo$ more.(
Withdra(ing, distracting, sarcasm, humoring, di"erting Trying to get the #hild away from the problem, withdrawing from the problem yo$rself, distra#ting the #hild, kidding the #hild o$t of it, p$shing the problem aside.

'F$st forget it.( '3et s not talk abo$t this at the table.( '4ome on C let s talk abo$t something more pleasant.( '2hy don t yo$ try b$rning the s#hool b$ilding down<( '2e ve all been thro$gh this before.(

!*+#erpt from Parent $ffecti eness Training by 6r. Thomas 0ordan"

4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Training Curriculum.

,*L.F2L 90MM2NI9A-I0N /#ILL/

The following fo$r #omm$ni#ation skills are very helpf$l for mentors to develop and pra#ti#e. These skills are parti#$larly $sef$l when yo$r goal is to open $p #omm$ni#ation with a yo$ng person. They are also $sef$l skills that yo$ #an help yo$r mentee develop. Acti"e Listening A#tive listening is an attempt to tr$ly $nderstand the #ontent and emotion of what the other person is saying by paying attention to verbal and non&verbal messages. The task is to fo#$s, hear, respe#t and #omm$ni#ate yo$r desire to $nderstand. This is not the time to be planning a response or #onveying how yo$ feel. A#tive listening is not nagging, #a:oling, reminding, threatening, #riti#iDing, ,$estioning, advising, eval$ating, probing, :$dging or ridi#$ling. 1kills to @se. *ye #onta#t7 -ody lang$age. open and rela+ed post$re, forward lean, appropriate fa#ial e+pressions, positive $se of gest$res7 and Verbal #$es s$#h as '$m&hmmm,( 's$re,( 'ah( and 'yes.( 5es$lts of A#tive 3istening. *n#o$rages honesty C helps people free themselves of tro$blesome feelings by e+pressing them openly7 5ed$#es fear C helps people be#ome less afraid of negative feelings7 -$ilds respe#t and affe#tion7 9n#reases a##eptan#e C promotes a feeling of $nderstanding7 and 2hen yo$ a#tively listen, yo$ #ooperate in solving the problem C and in preventing f$t$re problems.

$I% Messages
These messages give the opport$nity to keep the fo#$s on yo$ and e+plain yo$r feelings in response to someone else s behavior. -e#a$se '9( messages don t a##$se, point fingers at the other person or pla#e blame, they avoid :$dgments and help keep #omm$ni#ation open. At the same time, '9( messages #ontin$e to advan#e the sit$ation to a problem&solving stage. %or e+ample. '9 was really sad when yo$ didn t show $p for o$r meeting last week. 9 look forward to o$r meetings and was disappointed not to see yo$. 9n the f$t$re, 9 wo$ld appre#iate it if yo$ #o$ld #all me and let me know if yo$ will not be able to make it.( Avoid. 'Yo$ didn t show $p, and 9 waited for an ho$r. Yo$ #o$ld have at least #alled me and let me know that yo$ wo$ldn t be there. Yo$ are irresponsible.( Take #are that the following a#tions and behaviors are #ongr$ent with an honest, open hear. & -ody lang$age. slo$#hing, t$rning away, pointing a finger & Timing. speaking too fast or too slow & %a#ial e+pression. smiling, s,$irming, raising eyebrows, gritting teeth & Tone of voi#e. sho$ting, whispering, sneering, whining & 4hoi#e of words. biting, a##$sative, pretentio$s, emotionally laden 5es$lts. (9( messages present only one perspe#tive. Allowing the other person to a#t$ally have a point of view and hearing it doesn t mean that he or she is right. '9( messages #omm$ni#ate both information and respe#t for ea#h position. Again, this skill moves both parties along to the problem&solving stage.

4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Training Curriculum.

Paraphrasing
Paraphrasing fo#$ses on listening first and then refle#ting the two parts of the speaker s message C fact and feeling C ba#k to the speaker. )ften, the fa#t is #learly stated, b$t a good listener is 'listening between the lines( for the 'feeling( part of the #omm$ni#ation. @sing this skill is a way to #he#k o$t what yo$ heard for a##$ra#y C did yo$ interpret what yo$r mentee said #orre#tly< This is parti#$larly helpf$l with yo$th, as yo$th #$lt$re/lang$age #hange #onstantly. )ften words that meant one thing when mentors were yo$ng #o$ld have an entirely different meaning for yo$th today. *+amples for fact. '1o yo$ re saying that . . .( 'Yo$ believe that . . .( 'The problem is . . .( *+amples for feeling. 'Yo$ feel that . . .( 'Yo$r rea#tion is . . .( 'And that made yo$ feel . . .( Paraphrases are not an opport$nity to respond by eval$ating, sympathiDing, giving an opinion, offering advi#e, analyDing or ,$estioning. 5es$lts. @sing a#tive listening skills will enable yo$ to gather the information and then be able to simply report ba#k what yo$ heard in the message C the fa#ts and the attit$des/feelings that were e+pressed. 6oing so lets the other person know that yo$ hear, $nderstand and #are abo$t his or her tho$ghts and feelings. 0 en-*nded $uestions )pen&ended ,$estions are intended to #olle#t information by e+ploring feelings, attit$des and how the other person views a sit$ation. )pen&ended ,$estions are e+tremely helpf$l when dealing with yo$ng people. Yo$th, teenagers espe#ially, tend to answer ,$estions with as few words as possible. To maintain an a#tive dialog$e witho$t interrogating, try to ask a few ,$estions that #annot be answered with a 'yes,( 'no,( '9 don t know,( or a gr$nt. *+amples. 'How do yo$ see this sit$ation<( '2hat are yo$r reasons for . . . <( '4an yo$ give me an e+ample<( 'How does this affe#t yo$<( 'How did yo$ de#ide that<( '2hat wo$ld yo$ like to do abo$t it<( '2hat part did yo$ play<( Note. @sing the ,$estion '2hy did yo$ do that<( may sometimes yield a defensive response rather than a #larifying response. 5es$lts. -e#a$se open&ended ,$estions re,$ire a bit more time to answer than #lose&ended ,$estions !,$estions that #an be answered by 'yes,( 'no,( or a brief phrase", they give the person a #han#e to e+plain. )pen&ended ,$estions yield signifi#ant information that #an in t$rn be $sed to problem solve.

4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Training Curriculum.

*:.L0RIN% AN3 ;AL2IN% 3I;*R/I-?

Stereot&ping
This unit addresses one of the most critical training needs that has surfaced in sur eys of mentors and olunteer coordinators: the need to help mentors deal with di ersity! %ome mentors tal&ed a#out 'culture shoc&( in reference to their initial apprehension and lac& of familiarity with) and*or understanding of) the world from which their mentees came! +hen you thin& a#out it) it is normal and natural to feel a certain amount of apprehension a#out meeting someone for the first time) especially if it,s e-pected that you will #ecome a trusted friend! Add to that a significant difference in age) in socioeconomic status and*or in racial and ethnic #ac&ground and it is easy to understand why this is such a critical issue for mentors! -o(ard a !road definition of cultural di"ersity Many mentor programs prefer to mat#h mentees with mentors who #ome from similar ba#kgro$nds in terms of ra#e, so#ioe#onomi# stat$s, et#. )ften this is not possible, and mentors are mat#hed with yo$ng people who may look and a#t very differently than they do and whose ba#kgro$nds and lifestyles may be dissimilar to their own. 4$lt$re, in this sense, is more than ra#e or ethni#ity. 9t en#ompasses val$es, lifestyle and so#ial norms and in#l$des iss$es s$#h as different #omm$ni#ation styles, mannerisms, ways of dressing, family str$#t$re, traditions, time orientation and response to a$thority. These differen#es may be asso#iated with age, religion, ethni#ity and so#ioe#onomi# ba#kgro$nd. A la#k of $nderstanding and appre#iation of #$lt$ral diversity #an res$lt in mentors be#oming :$dgmental, whi#h may prevent the development of a tr$sting relationship. What can you do? As in many other sit$ations, knowledge is the key to $nderstanding. -elow are des#riptions and e+amples of different diversity iss$es. *a#h has the potential to #a$se mis$nderstandings between a mentor and a mentee. However, #$lt$ral $nderstanding is not something yo$ #an learn e+#l$sively from a te+tbook. Talk to yo$r mentee abo$t his or her ba#kgro$nd and an#estry, abo$t what life is like at s#hool or home or with his or her friends. %ind o$t the reasons for what he or she does. Yo$r program dire#tor, other mentors, friends and #oworkers may also have insights into #$lt$ral differen#es. As yo$ begin to learn and $nderstand more abo$t yo$r mentee, yo$ will be less likely to make negative val$e :$dgments. 2e hope that these e+amples will help yo$ be#ome more knowledgeable abo$t and en#o$rage yo$ to e+plore yo$r mentee s #$lt$ral ba#kgro$nd. *thnic 3i"ersity 9f yo$r mentee #omes from a different ethni# ba#kgro$nd, learn abo$t the val$es and traditions of that #$lt$re. 1$#h things as the role of a$thority and family, #omm$ni#ation styles, perspe#tives on time, ways of dealing with #onfli#t and marriage traditions vary signifi#antly among ethni# gro$ps. %or e+ample, people from 1#andinavian and Asian #$lt$res typi#ally are not #omfortable

dealing dire#tly with #onfli#t. Their approa#h to problems or disagreements is often more s$btle
4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Train the Trainer Curriculum!

and indire#t. 4onse,$ently, a mentee from one of these #$lt$res may find it diffi#$lt to dis#$ss a problem with #andor. 1imilarly, many Asian and Hispani# families emphasiDe respe#ting and obeying ad$lts. %or them, disagreeing with an ad$lt, parti#$larly a family member B or in this #ase a mentor B is forbidden. 4onversely, the role and style of #omm$ni#ation of some Afri#an Ameri#ans is m$#h more dire#t and assertive. Many Asian #$lt$res have $ni,$e #o$rtship and marriage traditions. %or e+ample, a Hmong girl typi#ally marries before age GH and most often is e+pe#ted to marry a Hmong man of her parents #hoosing. 1he may have no #hoi#e abo$t whom she marries. *thni# gro$ps #an also vary in terms of their beliefs abo$t and orientations toward time. %or instan#e, some Native Ameri#ans may follow an inner #lo#k, whi#h they believe to be more nat$ral, rather than adhering to a predetermined agenda or timetable. %amilies that have re#ently arrived in this #o$ntry often develop distin#t rea#tion patterns. 4hildren of re#ent immigrants typi#ally rea#t negatively to their parents insisten#e that they follow the 'old ways.( These #hildren are often ashamed of their #$lt$re and their traditions. They may even be ashamed of their parents. Mentors #an help their mentees #elebrate the $ni,$eness of their #$lt$re by showing #$riosity and interest in the history and traditions of their mentees #$lt$res. )bvio$sly, these are gross stereotypes. They are $sed here only to demonstrate the range of diversity among different ethni# gro$ps. 9t is yo$r task as a mentor to learn abo$t ethni# diversity from yo$r mentee, from yo$r observations and from dis#$ssions with program staff so that yo$ #an better $nderstand the #onte+t of yo$r mentee s attit$des and behavior. /ocioeconomic 3i"ersity )ften, mentors #ome from different so#ioe#onomi# ba#kgro$nds than their mentees. 2hile one may have grown $p on a farm, the other may never have been o$tside of the #ity. )ne may own a ho$se, while the other may not know anyone personally who owns a new #ar, let alone a ho$se. A mentee s family may move fre,$ently, perhaps every few months, and may not have a telephone. A mentee may have to share a very small apartment with many people. A mentor m$st learn that many things s/he may have taken for granted are not ne#essarily #ommon to all. These types of #$lt$ral differen#es are #ommon between mentor and mentee and re,$ire time and $nderstanding for an appre#iation of their signifi#an#e. 5emember, however, that poverty is #olor&blind, i.e., many white people are poor, many people of #olor are not and dysf$n#tion #an o##$r regardless of in#ome, geographi# lo#ation or level of ed$#ation. Try not to make ass$mptions. 9t is important to realiDe that there are psy#hologi#al effe#ts of #hroni# poverty. 1ome mentees may develop a short&term '#$lt$re of s$rvival( attit$de. A mentor may #omment that her mentee, who #omes from a very poor family, spends large s$ms of money on things she #onsiders frivolo$s !the e+ample she gives is IGJJ :eans". Poverty often prevents people from believing that their f$t$re holds any promise of getting better. 1aving money and investing in the f$t$re is a l$+$ry they don t believe they have. -$ying a pair of IGJJ :eans when yo$ don t have eno$gh

food to eat may very well be a f$n#tion of the 'take what yo$ #an get while yo$ #an get it( perspe#tive of #hroni# poverty.
4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Train the Trainer Curriculum!

?outh 9ulture Many of the #hara#teristi#s of adoles#en#e are normal, #ommon, developmental traits and #onse,$ently don t vary signifi#antly from one generation to the ne+t. %or instan#e, while many ad$lts believe that, in general, teenagers are e+#eedingly more rebellio$s than they themselves were as yo$ng people, rebellion is a #ommon !and perhaps ne#essary" ingredient in an adoles#ent s transition into ad$lthood. Most of $s, as teenagers, dressed very differentlyC perhaps even o$trageo$slyCby o$r parents and grandparents standards. 2e did things o$r parents didn t do, spoke differently, et#. Take the time to remember what it was like to be yo$r mentee s age. 9f yo$ think abo$t the following ,$estions, yo$ ll find that m$#h of what yo$ went thro$gh at that age, yo$r mentee is also going thro$gh. %or e+ample, when yo$ were in ??? grade. 2hat was a typi#al day like< 2hat was really important to yo$ at that time< 2hat was yo$r father/mother like< 6id yo$ get along< 2ere yo$ #lose< Think of yo$r friends. 2ere friendships always easy or were they sometimes hard< 9n general, did yo$ feel as tho$gh ad$lts typi#ally $nderstood yo$ well<

However, it is also important to remember that some things, parti#$larly so#iologi#al trends, do #hange dramati#ally and res$lt in very different e+perien#es from one generation to the ne+t. There is signifi#antly more al#ohol and dr$g ab$se today than there was when yo$ were growing $p !altho$gh, to be s$re, al#ohol and dr$g ab$se have always e+isted"7 se+$ally transmitted diseases are more #ommon and more dangero$s7 #rime and violen#e have drasti#ally in#reased thro$gho$t the #o$ntry, parti#$larly in $rban areas7 single&parent families have be#ome more #ommon and greater demands are being pla#ed on all families. %or e+ample, one mentor had a #onversation with his mentee abo$t s#hool dan#es, whi#h, for the mentor, were filled with fond memories of dis#overing dating and dan#ing. %or the mentee, on the other hand, s#hool dan#es were dangero$s, sin#e g$nfire was a #ommon o##$rren#e. )bvio$sly, it is important to be aware of these generational #hanges in lifestyle and #hildren s #oping responses to their life #ir#$mstan#es.

4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Train the Trainer Curriculum!

Remem!er& & & The following are some s$ggestions that may help yo$ s$##essf$lly handle diversity. =eep in mind that you are the adultCyo$ are the e+perien#ed one. 9magine, for a moment, what yo$r mentee might be thinking and feeling. 9n general, yo$ng people of all ages, b$t parti#$larly teens, believe they are not respe#ted by ad$lts and worry abo$t whether a mentor will like them or think they re st$pid. They are #oming to yo$ for help and may already feel inse#$re and embarrassed abo$t the problems in their lives. Th$s, it is yo$r responsibility to take the initiative and make the mentee feel more #omfortable in the relationship. 9t s also important to remember to !e yourself. 1ometimes, with the best of intentions, we try to 'relate( to yo$ng people, $se their slang and be like 'one of the gang.( Mentees #an see thro$gh this fa#ade and may find it diffi#$lt to tr$st people who are not tr$e to themselves. %$rthermore, you may learn a lot abo$t another #$lt$re, lifestyle or age gro$p, b$t yo$ will ne"er !e from that grou . 6on t over identify with yo$r mentee7 s/he realiDes yo$ will never know e+a#tly what s/he is feeling or e+perien#ing. A mentee may a#t$ally feel invalidated by yo$r insisten#e that yo$ know where s/he is #oming from. There is a big differen#e between the statements, '9 know e+a#tly what yo$ re feeling( and '9 think 9 have a sense of what yo$ re going thro$gh.( 9t is helpf$l to paraphrase what yo$ think yo$r mentee has said or is feeling and to give e+amples of similar sit$ations that yo$ have e+perien#ed. 9f something abo$t yo$r mentee is bothering yo$, first determine whether the behavior is simply tro$bling to yo$ be#a$se yo$ wo$ld do it differently or it is tr$ly an indi#ation of a more serio$sly tro$bled yo$th.

9f, in fa#t, yo$ feel that a tro$blesome sit$ation is harmf$l to yo$r mentee or others, yo$ have an obligation to dis#$ss this with yo$r program #oordinator. The #oordinator will know when and where to refer the yo$ng person for professional help. %or e+ample, if it is a serio$s problem C yo$r mentee s ab$se of al#ohol and/or dr$gs, for instan#e C the program #oordinator may refer the mentee to an adoles#ent dr$g ab$se program. 9t s important to know what yo$ sho$ld and sho$ld not do or say to yo$r mentee. Yo$ are not e+pe#ted to solve the problem or to be a therapist, b$t there may be sit$ations where yo$ #an help. %or instan#e, yo$r program #oordinator might s$ggest that yo$ a#tively s$pport yo$r mentee s attendan#e and parti#ipation in s$pport gro$ps, or s/he might s$ggest that yo$ talk with yo$r mentee abo$t similar sit$ations that yo$ have either e+perien#ed or heard abo$t and the ways in whi#h these problems were s$##essf$lly over#ome. 0et s$ggestions from yo$r program #oordinator abo$t ways in whi#h yo$ #an be helpf$l and s$pportive.

4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Train the Trainer Curriculum!

1ome behavior is not ne#essarily indi#ative of a serio$s problem b$t #an nonetheless be tro$blesome. %or e+ample, being #hroni#ally late for appointments, adopting #ertain styles of dress or e+#essive swearing may have negative #onse,$en#es. 2hile yo$r mentee has the right to make de#isions abo$t dress, spee#h and other behavior, yo$ #an help by letting him or her know. How the behavior makes yo$ feel7 2hat :$dgments others may make abo$t the mentee as a res$lt of the behavior7 and The rea#tions and #onse,$en#es s/he might e+pe#t from others.

*AAMP3*. 3et s say yo$r mentee $s$ally wears torn :eans and a leather :a#ket with signs and symbols on the ba#k and is ,$ite pro$d of his or her $n$s$al hairstyle. Altho$gh these o$tward differen#es made yo$ $n#omfortable at first, yo$ !being the great mentor that yo$ areE" have gotten beyond these 'tro$bling( aspe#ts and realiDed that, in this #ase, 'different( does not mean 'bad.( Now yo$r mentee is looking for a :ob. 9nitially, yo$ had de#ided to say nothing abo$t the importan#e of appearan#es d$ring :ob interviews, b$t yo$r mentee is having tro$ble getting a :ob. Yo$ might ask him or her something like. 2hy do yo$ think yo$ didn t get the :ob< 2hat do yo$ think was the interviewer s first impression of yo$< 2hat do yo$ think gave him or her that impression< 6o yo$ think the impression yo$ gave is one that is helpf$l in getting a :ob< 2hat #an yo$ do abo$t this< 9f yo$ were KJ years old and owned a b$siness, wo$ld yo$ be hesitant to hire someone who looked and dressed in a way that was #ompletely foreign to yo$<

Yo$ might also dis#$ss ways in whi#h yo$r mentee #o$ld keep his or her individ$ality and identity !both very important needs in adoles#en#e" yet make a more favorable impression. A typi#al response from a yo$ng person might be to refer to the 'hypo#risy( and 'material val$es( of the ad$lt #$lt$re. 6on t mislead or misrepresent the tr$th C the fa#t is, like it or not, there are standards and norms in #ertain sit$ations with whi#h one is e+pe#ted to #omply. 9ultural Reci rocity An important b$t often forgotten aspe#t of #$lt$ral diversity is the m$t$ality of the mentoring relationship, whi#h is what we #all #$lt$ral re#ipro#ity. This phrase refers to the fa#t that mentors and mentees alike #an benefit from their in#reased $nderstanding of others who may at first seem $nfamiliar. %or the mentor, a greater breadth and depth of $nderstanding of others #an fa#ilitate better relationships at work, at home and in other so#ial sit$ations. As yo$r mentee begins to tr$st and know yo$, s/he will begin to learn abo$t life o$tside a limited #ir#le of peers and dis#over new opport$nities and ways of doing things. yo$ #an be a model for yo$r mentee. The more options we have, the better off we ll be.

Remem!er: 0ur li"es are enriched !y di"ersity@

4o$rtesy of Mass Mentoring Partnership, Mentoring 101 Train the Trainer Curriculum!