Bartosz Mostowski

USING METAPHORS IN COACHING RELATIONSHIPS

Sheffield Hallam University

Strzelce Opolskie, Poland, 20 !

TABLE OF CONTENT
"#ntrod$ction""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""! 2"%hy sho$ld we $se metaphors&"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""' !"How to work with metaphors and how to ($ild them"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""") '"Stories to $se in coachin* relationships"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""+ " " , (oy and starfish""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""+ "2" -he story of a woodc$tter""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""+ "!" -he scorpion and a fro*""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""". "'" -he farmer and the ea*le"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""". ")" Stories from coach/s e0perience""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""1 )"2oncl$sion""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" 0

1. Introduction
3or the last year as # was workin* at the position of accredited McBride coach # was wonderin*, what is the (est way to show essential ideas, to pict$re some mechanisms to my coachees" -hese were not necessarily the tho$*hts that have (een conceived in my head4 # 5$st wanted to *ain the a(ility to enco$ra*e these people to work on the concepts they came $p on their own, # wanted it to happen on6the6spot" -he pro(lem was that they were almost always too afraid to act" # noticed that even if the idea itself seems very reasona(le and doa(le, they *ot st$ck in so6called 7comfort zone8 9 the mental area where they find themselves and their life:work sit$ation 75$st *ood eno$*h8 9 and often people does not want to risk it for the (i**er *oal" -hey simply co$ld not ima*ine their own concepts work, may(e these were already la(eled as a(stract dreams in their mind" ,nd this is when # discovered the power of $sin* metaphors" -he word 7metaphor8, accordin* to the Online ;tymolo*y <ictionary is from =reek metapherein which means to >transfer, carry over4 chan*e, alter4 to $se a word in a stran*e sense>" #n O0ford dictionary, a metaphor is 7a fi*$re of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an o(5ect or action to which it is not literally applica(le8" 2 # like to view this constr$ction as a (oat that sails ri*ht into the listener/s mind with the idea on its (oard" -his one specific concept yo$ want yo$r coachee to $nderstand may (e e0plained via short comparison to somethin* else 6 as # 5$st did 9 or may evolve into lon* tale, en*a*in* the listeners more and more as they finally *et it" #n my work # will foc$s on this s$(5ect, e0plain how powerf$l $sin* of metaphors may (e, why do they really work and how to create yo$r own constr$ctions" %hat is more, the last and main part of my work is a collection of more comple0 stories which # hope yo$ will find $sef$l d$rin* yo$r coachin* relationships" Please note that the word 7metaphor8 will (e referred to (oth short comparison and a lar*er story or para(le"

http?::www"etymonline"com:inde0"php&term@metaphor http?::www"o0forddictionaries"com:definition:en*lish:metaphor

2. Why should we use metaphors?

Story tellin* has (een present in o$r lives since we were (orn" %e all remem(er 7Once $pon a timeA8 fairytales we have (een told (y o$r parents or *randparents and # (et everyone has their favorite one" -hese simple advent$re or fantasy stories were meant to (e e0tremely easy to $nderstand, child6oriented and t$ned to inc$lcate the sense, tr$e meanin* into o$r heads, even if these were only (asic ideas, s$ch as 7(e *ood to other people8" ,s we *row $p, these stories are replaced (y complicated theories we learn d$rin* o$r ed$cation" %e are simply for*ettin* this constr$ction and how m$ch have we learned (y it in the past, we think that stories are childish" Story tellin* has (een $sed for almost as lon* as people have $sed lan*$a*e in the spread of learnin* and the development of h$man potential" ! #s has (een present thro$*ho$t the time in tri(al h$ntin* descriptions B7He fo$*ht like a lion8C, in medieval le*ends of the dra*ons and (rave kni*hts and we $se it $nconscio$sly in present times" #t is o$r nat$ral way of descri(in* thin*s to *et (etter $nderstandin* from o$r listeners" So why sho$ld not we $se this tool to help develop o$rselves& Beca$se it is childish and not complicated eno$*h for $s to even consider that we will (enefit from it& <o (elieve that the (rain that makes the pro(lem, often also stores the sol$tion4 metaphors and stories are 5$st another, powerf$l tool to e0tract it" =areth Mor*an, a British:2anadian or*anizational theorist, mana*ement cons$ltant and creator of the >or*anisational metaphor> concept, says >,ll theories of or*anisation and mana*ement are (ased on implicit ima*es or metaphors that pers$ade $s to see, $nderstand, and ima*ine sit$ations in partial ways" Metaphors create insi*ht" B$t they also distort" -hey have stren*ths" B$t they also have limitations" #n creatin* ways of seein*, they create ways of not seein*" Hence there can (e no sin*le theory or metaphor that *ives an all6p$rpose point of view" -here can (e no Dcorrect theoryD for str$ct$rin* everythin* we do>" ' -his sentence co$ld not (e more acc$rate4 the key point for all the metaphors we $se is to in5ect the $nderstandin* of certain ideas into coachees/ mind, help them to $nderstand them and incorporate them into the pro(lem he has (een str$**lin* with" However there is no sin*le *olden way to achieve that, one metaphor can (e $sed as well as the ne0t one" ,ccordin* to Penny -ompkins E Fames Gawley 6 s$pervisin* ne$rolin*$istic psychotherapists, coaches in ($siness, certified HGP trainers, and fo$nders of -he <evelopin* 2ompany 6 in the last 2) years the research of many ne$roscientists, co*nitive scientists and co*nitive lin*$ists has conver*ed to form a new $nderstandin* a(o$t the way the h$man mind works" -here have (een fo$r key findin*s pointed o$t? " Metaphors are more common in everyday lan*$a*e than we realized (efore" %e $se it to descri(e a(stract ideas, internal states and comple0 notions and it is almost impossi(le to avoid that"
! '

http?::www"performancecoachin*international"com:reso$rces:articles:metaphors"php Mor*an, =areth, #ma*es of Or*anisation, Sa*e, 1.I: 11+, p" !'.

'

2" %e $se metaphors $nconscio$sly, neither speaker nor listener is aware that the metaphor is (ein* $sed" !" Metaphor is not only a lin*$istic scheme4 in fact, this is really how do people think, make decisions and $nderstand the sense of the world" '" Metaphors are not $sed ar(itrarily" -hey are mostly drawn from how people e0perience their (ody and how they interact with their environment") BdokoJczyKC

3. How to work with metaphors and how to build them

,ccordin* to =eor*e Gakoff and Mark Fohnson, >-he essence of metaphor is $nderstandin* and e0periencin* one kind of thin* in terms of another>" I -here are $s$ally two types of metaphors a coach has to work with? as a listener and as a speaker" 3irst sit$ation is o(vio$sly the one that coaches have to (e acc$stomed to" ,s # stated in previo$s chapter, people do often $se metaphors $nconscio$sly" -he role of the coach is to detect it, while most of the times it *ives him an insi*ht into coachee/s $niL$e perception of his position and his *oals" 3or e0ample, when a person tells that s:he 7can/t see the li*ht at the end of the t$nnel8 or 7it feels like #/m in the dark forest8" -his is really what these people are e0periencin* and deep inside they know m$ch more a(o$t the sit$ation from the metaphoric point of view, they will know how the t$nnel or the forest look like, in which direction they feel they sho$ld *o and pro(a(ly they know what is waitin* for them down the road" , coach needs to transfer himself into their reality, listen and ela(orate on these pict$res" #t is amazin* how often escapin* this dark t$nnel shifts in the coachee/s mind into a real sol$tion to the ori*inal pro(lem" -he second sit$ation happens when the coach is the one who $ses metaphor" #t does reL$ire a certain amo$nt of ima*ination on his side ($t is e0tremely helpf$l in sit$ations when coachee/s analytical mind does not allow them to open $p to new ideas and $ne0plored territories4 especially when coach wants to help him to step o$t of the comfort zone" #t is essential for the coach to have some stories prepared in his sleeve" -he real trick here is not to force $sin* the para(les4 the key is to $se the most acc$rate stories and $se them when necessary" -his is only a tool, not the p$rpose itself" -here will o(vio$sly occ$r some sit$ations where the coachee does not (elieve that the metaphor is acc$rate to the ori*inal pro(lem" -here are certain ways to fi0 this4 the one is to ask the person to descri(e it $sin* other, more s$ita(le metaphor" -his is the point where the coach shifts from the speaker to listener perspective, *ives (ea$tif$l attention and p$shes as far as it is necessary" -he other way is to detect and remove limitin* ass$mptions that make the person do$(t they can find the sol$tion" Simply sayin* 7Mo$ can do it8 will not work
) I

http?::www"cleanlan*$a*e"co"$k:articles:articles: 2+:0:2oachin*6with6Metaphor:Pa*e0"html Gakoff, =ero*e, Fohnson, Mark, Metaphors %e Give By, -he $niversity of 2hica*o, 200!, p")

(eca$se it will not convince the person so easily" Hancy Nline comes $p with the idea of 7#ncisive O$estions8 9 the L$estions that reL$ire the person to think o$tside the (o0, to overcome wron* ass$mptions" Basically the coach needs to find the limitin* ass$mption Be"*" 7-his is not *oin* to work8C, ass$me that the ass$mption is $ntr$e, remove it and replace with hypothetical sit$ation where it is *one" -he e0ample Breal life sit$ation that # had with one of my coachees who said that the story # $sed mi*ht (e acc$rate only if told to kidsC? 6 %hy do yo$ think that yo$ can/t apply this kind of thinkin* into yo$r life& 6 Beca$se # think that actin* this way is *oin* to work" 6 #f yo$ were 00P s$re it will work, how wo$ld yo$ act& -he third sentence is called an 7#ncisive O$estion8"+ How to ($ild an effective metaphor on the spot& 2reatin* a metaphor is (asically an int$itive process and for more int$itive people it may come easily and nat$rally" Others may need to have some stories prepared (eforehand" However, # have fo$nd fo$r consec$tive steps that will help everyone interested in the s$(5ect of metaphor6makin* with creatin* their own para(les? 6 Open yo$r mind" %hile talkin* to yo$r coachee yo$ need to o(serve, listen, notice his reactions, (asically >read> him" 6 Use yo$r ima*ination" -ry to ima*ine a coachee (ein* in the sit$ation he descri(es, think a(o$t his e0perience, pay *reat attention to what he says and draw concl$sions" Use them to make the (est pict$re of him in relation to the iss$e" 6 2onnect" #n yo$r mind, $se the ad5ectives and freely associate the clientDs sit$ation with pict$res that come into yo$r head, search for the (est mirror for the iss$e" 3ind the mechanism that co$ld (e most acc$rate" 6 <evelop and present the metaphor" How that yo$ have fo$nd the most acc$rate comparison to yo$r clientDs sit$ation, yo$ need to develop it" Mo$ can of co$rse descri(e the iss$e with >#t feels like Q, ri*ht&> ($t yo$ will (e more convincin* if the coachee can link yo$r metaphor with his sit$ation" -ry to $se the same ad5ectives that were $sed (efore (y him" One more thin* to (ear in mind is to always have a follow6$p to each story" Usin* metaphors witho$t proper contin$ation is a throw6and6*o and very often pointless" Say, that coachee wants is a person that draws no attention in his:her workplace and sees it as a h$rdle to overcome in order to achieve (etter salary" %e may create the story a(o$t the little *irl that was spendin* her holiday with her *randmother who took a lot of medicines every day" One day, the *irl noticed that several la(els on these dr$*s were $n*l$ed, so she decided 9 o$t of p$re love 9 to help her *randmother (y removin* all la(els and re6attach them to (ottles" -hen the older woman came onto the room and patiently pointed o$t, that each la(el m$st refer to partic$lar medicine" How, witho$t the follow6$p, we can *o (ack to the sit$ation and ask o$r
+

Nline, Hancy, -ime to -hink" Gistenin* to #*nite the H$man Mind, 2assell #ll$strated, 111, p")'

coachee 7%hat do yo$ think is the (est way of chan*in* yo$r la(el within this company&8 which is, in my opinion, a *ood L$estion, ($t a little too early" #nstead, we sho$ld ash him:her 7How did the *randmother know that the la(el was wron*&8 first, referrin* to the story" ,s with every new techniL$e, this process reL$ires some time to *et acc$stomed to, ($t once learned, it is amazin* how fast we can come $p with new ideas that are perfect to descri(e the coacheeDs iss$e"

4. Stories to use in coaching relationships

1.1. A boy and starfish
7, yo$n* (oy walks with his parent across a (each at low tide" -o his dismay, the (oy finds a h$*e area of stranded starfish, literally tho$sands of them left to die as the s$n dries them o$t" H$rriedly he starts to collect them one (y one and carries them (ack to the sea" RBoy, it/s for nothin*,/ says the parent4 Rit/s impossi(le to save all of them, yo$ cannot make a difference with so many starfish/" RMay(e not,/ the (oy replies, R($t # will make a difference to the ones # save"/8 -his is the story # $sed in all of my coachin* relationships" #t is the (est to $se when a *oal is to o(tain a certain skill" ,ss$me that we have a hypothetical coachin* relationship d$rin* which a coachee sets $p one of his *oals as 7learn a specific pro*rammin* B#-C lan*$a*e8" B$t he knows that pro(a(ly he will never know everythin* a(o$t the s$(5ect, he realizes the amo$nt of knowled*e to *ain and is disco$ra*ed from the start" -he para(le a(ove will help $s to open his eyes and realize that the point is to achieve certain skills from it, not to master the s$(5ect"

1.2. The story of a woodcutter

7Once $pon a time, a very stron* man was lookin* for a 5o( in a tim(er merchant and he *ot the 5o( as a woodc$tter" ,s the pay and workin* conditions were really *ood, the man was determined to do his (est" His mana*er *ave him a sharp a0e and took him to the place where he was s$pposed to work" On the first day, the man c$t down 1 trees" R2on*rat$lations,/ the (oss said, Rkeep *oin* on that wayS/" -he ne0t day, motivated (y the (oss/ words, the woodc$tter worked harder, ($t he co$ld only c$t down I trees" On his third day at work he only mana*ed to c$t down 2 trees, (eside his work (ein* harder" <ay after he c$t down less and less trees" -he woodc$tter, convinced that he is losin* his stren*th, went to the (oss and apolo*ized, sayin* that he co$ld not $nderstand what is happenin* to him" R%hen was the last time yo$ sharpened yo$r a0e&/ the (oss asked" RSharpen& # had no time, # have (een very ($sy c$ttin* down the treesA/8 # $sed to work with people hired in the offices and one of them asked me half65okin*ly if this story is a(o$t takin* care of their comp$ter" # responded that their a0e is their (rain" -he +

story has two morals4 one of them # like to replace with the L$ote of #saac ,simov 7People think of ed$cation as somethin* they can finish8" -his para(le is an e0cellent opport$nity to 5$mp into the pool of coachee/s aspirations, necessary trainin*s and for him to create his own path of s$ccess" -o these workin* in atmosphere of r$sh and instant deadlines? sometimes a moment of tho$*ht, is worth an ho$r of toil" -ake the time to eval$ate yo$r plan of action, and (e s$re that the a0e yo$ are $sin* is a sharp one"

1.3. The scorpion and a frog

7One day there was a fro* (y the side of a pond rela0in*" , scorpion clim(s $p on a rock not too far from the fro*" RHello my friend, # need yo$r help" 2an yo$ please carry me over to the other side of the pond& # cannot swim and it is very important that # *et there L$ickly"/ -he fro* looks over and says RHo, yo$ are a scorpion and scorpions kill fro*s" #f # do that yo$ will kill me with yo$r (i* stin*/" -he Scorpion looked sympathetically to the fro* and said RMy friend, that does not make any sense" #f # stin* yo$ then # wo$ld drown as well" # cannot swim" # *ive yo$ my word" # will not stin* yo$"/ -he fro* tho$*ht a(o$t this" He did not like this ($t tho$*ht the scorpion did *ive his word and he s$rely made the point" -he fro* tho$*ht that if he was in need he wo$ld want someone to help him" -he fro* t$rned to the scorpion and said ROk, # will carry yo$ across the pond ($t only if yo$ promise yo$ will not stin* me"/ -he scorpion a*reed" -he scorpion crawled on the fro*s (ack and halfway across the pond the scorpion stin*s the fro* with a deadly (low" F$st (efore the fro* *oes $nder the water, he asks RB$t why did yo$ stin* me& Mo$ cannot swim" %e will (oth die"/ -he scorpion said RBeca$se # am a scorpion and that is what # do" # cannot help it" #t is my nat$re"/8 -his is an old and often mis$nderstood story" %e are not scorpions, we are fro*s" #n o$r everyday life we are s$rro$nded (y different people with whom we interact on daily (asis" -he key to this para(le is to define who of them are scorpions and (e caref$l with them" # (et every one of $s can point a to0ic person in his environment4 $nder their infl$ence we start thinkin* ne*ative and disempowerin* tho$*hts a(o$t o$rselves 9 # have also fo$nd a term 7;ner*y vampires8 in this conte0t" -he moral of the story is to (e self6oriented aro$nd these people and do not let them (rin* $s down"

1.4. The farmer and the eagle

7One time the farmer ca$*ht a yo$n* ea*le" %hen he *ot (ack home, he p$t it in the (arn with his chickens and fed it with chicken food" 2o$ple years later a nat$ralist was passin* (y and saw the ea*le and said to the farmer R-his is not a chicken, this is an ea*le"/ RHot really,/ the farmer said, Rnot any lon*er" # made a chicken o$t of it"/ RB$t it is still an ea*le,/ the *$est said, Rand # will prove it to yo$S/ .

-he nat$re lover took the ea*le, held it hi*h and said emphatically RMo$ (elon* to the sky, not earth, yo$ are an ea*leS Spread yo$r win*s and flyS/ B$t the (ird saw the chickens peckin* at their food, it hopped down" R# told yo$ it is the chicken/ the farmer said" RHo,/ said the *$est, Rit is still an ea*le and # will prove itS/ -he ne0t day he took the (ird to the roof of the (arn and said RMo$ (elon* to the sky, not earth, yo$ are an ea*leS Spread yo$r win*s and flyS/ Once more, the ea*le 5$mped off the roof as it saw the chickens peckin* at their food and 5oined them eatin*" R# told yo$ it is the chicken/ the farmer said" RHo,/ said the *$est, Rit is still an ea*le and # will prove itS F$st *ive me one more chance"/ -he ne0t day he took the (ird to the top of hi*h mo$ntain" He lifted it and said RMo$ (elon* to the sky, not earth, yo$ are an ea*leS Spread yo$r win*s and flyS/ ,ll of the s$dden the (ird spread its win*s, flew away with a scream and did not ret$rn"8 %e are often ca$*ht in sit$ation or reality that we feel we do not (elon* to" %e feel that somethin* is wron* ($t we *o alon* (eca$se 7this is what they e0pect me to do8" Gike the ea*le, it may take years to *et $s acc$stomed to the new reality we are in, ($t event$ally, when p$t in the ri*ht conditions, we do find o$rselves who we really are" -his is the lesson to learn for all of $s" #s o$r e0terior con*r$ent with o$r interior& #s the person o$tside a real ima*e of what is inside& #f # work in certain occ$pation, is it really (onded to my personality, my self6ima*e& # do often ask coachees simply 7%ho are yo$&8" %hen they start respondin* 7# am an office employee inA8 # 5$st stop them there with 7Ho, it is not what # mean" %ho yo$ really are&8 and then let them speak anythin* that crosses their minds"

1.5. Stories from coachs e perience

,s coaches, we are not some kind of inh$man (ein* or a machine4 we are people of flesh and (ones, we have o$r lives and often an impressive amo$nt of life e0perience" %hy sho$ld not we $se it& 3$rthermore, o$r life6(ased stories will (e seen as more nat$ral, a$thentic and convincin* than any fairy tale we can come $p with" %e sho$ld think of any kind of o$r own e0perience that can (e modified to some sort of $niversal L$ality" Below is the story # $se any time # *et a chance" ,s a little kid # had a mild hei*ht an0iety" #t was not that # co$ld not *o o$t on the (alcony or look o$t the window4 the fear was comin* when # was on some sort of hi*h altit$de witho$t any protection" Basically # was fine $ntil # felt or ima*ine that # co$ld fall down" ,s # went to school # saw that other kids did not have the same pro(lem and # started searchin* for answers" One day my *randfather told me that it is a *ood thin* for me to have that fear" He referred to the times when people lived in tri(es and how o$r $nconscio$s mind started to e0pand" He told me followin* story? 7-here were two men standin* at a hi*h cliff, lookin* down the *$lf" One of them told to another RHey, it wo$ld (e m$ch faster if # 5$st 5$mp instead of walkin* down, ri*ht& # mean, # can 5$mp off that )6feet hillock, # can 5$mp off this cliff/" =$ess what& %e are the offsprin* of that second man" He watched as the first one falls 1

down and dies, and his $nconscio$s Rsaved the data/ into his *enes8" #t made perfect sense (ack then and helped me a lot later" -he first trial came when # was !" # have loved swimmin* since # learned it at the a*e of I" #n my city there is a swimmin* pool for p$(lic, and there is a +6feet hi*h trampoline" # said to myself 7if there is any way of overcomin* my an0iety, that is it8 and promised myself to 5$mp" #t took me a while ($t # did itS Serio$sly, # will never for*et this feelin*" -oday # can 5$mp head first from the same trampoline and not (e half as pro$d of myself as # was that day" -he second trial came 0 years later" # was at o$r local ann$al m$sic concert where # spotted a hi*h crane (ein* p$t $p" # was wonderin* what was it for, and the worker responded 7B$n*ee 5$mpin*8" -hese two words painted two different pict$res in my head? one with my (ody cr$shed on the *ro$nd ri*ht $nder the crane, and the opposite, my smilin* face with the *olden crown on" # decided at least # have to try" ,s they were p$llin* me $p the )06feet hi*h crane # was fri*htened, # tho$*ht # will not 5$mp" B$t when the machine stopped and h$n* the ca*e at the hei*ht of !0 feet, at one point # said to myself 7ON, since # am already hereA8 and did itS ,nd the feelin* of ! year old (oy came (ack to me a*ain" ,nyone can take a leap of certainty ($t it takes m$ch more co$ra*e to take a leap of faith" -his is one of my 7step o$t of yo$r comfort zone8 story" 3rom this on, # follow with L$estions of what the coachee wants to achieve, (oth at work and in personal life" # do my (est to ens$re them that there is a reward for their effort on self6improvement" 7<o not 5$st (e yo$rself" Be yo$r (est self"8

. !onclusion
Metaphors have (een present in o$r c$lt$re since the spoken lan*$a*e has (een developed and evolved as h$mans evolved" %e have (een acc$stomed to them for all o$r lives4 while o$r parents were readin* $s (edtime stories, o$r mind created pict$res to ill$strate them for (etter $nderstandin* and o$r $nconscio$s mind saved the morals that we live (y for the rest of o$r lives" 3$rthermore, it is o$r nat$ral way of speakin* o$r mind" %e are lookin* for patterns that the iss$e fits into and then act accordin*ly" ,ltho$*h at first they may seem pretty (asic, even primitive, this is very powerf$l tool to help coaches in their relationships e0actly (eca$se of their simplicity" S$rely it reL$ires the coach to have his mind wide open and ready to look for the patterns or sit$ations the iss$e may (e similar to, ($t once he *et $sed to $sin* metaphors, the effects are rewardin*" 2oachee/s pro(lems that seemed ins$rmo$nta(le in his:her closed mind, when transferred to another state of thin*s and followed (y analyzin* this new reality, may often res$lt in findin* the simplest and (est sol$tion to the iss$e" #f # was to point sin*le lesson that affected my coachin* sessions the most it wo$ld (e? do not $nderestimate the power of this tool" #t may seem (asic, ($t the simplicity of the process and its nat$ral fo$ndation are its *reatest advanta*es"