T H E U LT I M AT E G U I D E T O W R I T I N G
B E T T E R T H A N Y O U N O R M A L LY D O .
BY COLIN NISSAN
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WRITE EVERY DAY
Writing is a muscle. Smaller than a hamstring and slightly bigger than
a bicep, and it needs to be exercised to get stronger. Think of your
words as reps, your paragraphs as sets, your pages as daily workouts.
Think of your laptop as a machine like the one at the gym where you
open and close your inner thighs in front of everyone, exposing both
your insecurities and your genitals. Because that is what writing is all
about.
DONT PROCRASTINATE
Procrastination is an alluring siren taunting you to Google the country
where Balki from Perfect Strangers was from, and to arrange sticky
notes on your dog in the shape of hilarious dog shorts. A wicked
temptress beckoning you to watch your children, and take showers.
Well, its time to look procrastination in the eye and tell that seafaring
wench, Sorry not today, today I write.
FIGHT THROUGH WRITERS BLOCK
The blank white page. El Diablo Blanco. El Pollo Loco. Whatever
you choose to call it, staring into the abyss in search of an idea can be
terrifying. But ask yourself this; was Picasso intimidated by the blank
canvas? Was Mozart intimidated by the blank sheet music? Was
Edison intimidated by the blank lightbulb? If youre still blocked up,
ask yourself more questions, like; Why did I quit my job at TJ Maxx
to write full-time? Can/should I eat this entire box of Apple Jacks? Is
The Price is Right on at 10 or 11?
LEARN FROM THE MASTERS
Mark Twain once said, Show, dont tell. This is an incredibly
important lesson for writers to remember; never get such a giant head
that you feel entitled to throw around obscure phrases like Show,
dont tell. Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.
FIND YOUR MUSE
Finding a really good muse these days isnt easy, so plan on going
through quite a few before landing on a winner. Beware of muses who
promise unrealistic timelines for your projects or who wear wizard
clothes. When honing in on a promising new muse, also be on the
lookout for other writers attempting to swoop in and muse-block you.
Just be patient in your search, because the right muse/human
relationship can last a lifetime.
HONE YOUR CRAFT
There are two things more difficult than writing. The first is editing,
the second is expert level Sudoku where theres literally two
goddamned squares filled in. While editing is a grueling process, if
you really work hard at it, in the end you may find that your piece has
fewer words than it did before, which is great. Perhaps George
Bernard Shaw said it best when upon sending a letter to a close friend,
he wrote, Im sorry this letter is so long, I didnt have time to make it
shorter. No quote better illustrates the point that writers are very
busy.
ASK FOR FEEDBACK
Its so easy to hide in your little bubble, typing your little words with
your little fingers on your little laptop from the comfort of your tiny
chair in your miniature little house. Im taking this tone to illustrate
the importance of developing a thick skin. Remember, the only kind
of criticism that doesnt make you a better writer is dishonest
criticism. That, and someone telling you that you have weird
shoulders.
READ, READ, READ
Its no secret that great writers are great readers, and that if you cant
read, your writing will often suffer. Similarly, if you can read but have
to move your lips to get through the longer words, youll still be a
pretty bad writer. Also, if you pronounce espresso like expresso.
STUDY THE RULES, THEN BREAK THEM
Part of finding your own voice as a writer is finding your own
grammar. Dont spend your career lost in a sea of copycats when you
can establish your own set of rules. If everyones putting periods at
the end of their sentences, put yours in the middle of words. Will it be
incredibly difficult to read? Yes it will. Will it set you on the path to
becoming a literary pioneer? Tough to say, but youre kind of out of
options at this point.
KEEP IT TOGETHER
A writers brain is full of little gifts, like a piata at a birthday party.
Its also full of demons, like a piata at a birthday party in a mental
hospital. The truth is, its demons that keep a tortured writers spirit
alive, not Tootsie Rolls. Sure theyll give you a tiny burst of energy,
but they wont do squat for your writing. So treat your demons with
the respect they deserve, and with enough prescriptions to keep you
wearing pants.
