The author is Manuela Rsel, psychologist and pedagogue in Berlin who has lots of experience with borderline-patients.
Among others, she identified the following characteristics their partners have in common:
a disposition for altruistic surrender combined with the compulsion to make others happy at their own expense an inability to recognize their own needs exaggerated indulgence perfectionism and extreme commitment (associated with the idea that love must be earned), the inability to make mistakes or to fail the inability to set clear boundaries and to defend them the conviction that nothing one does on ones own is good enough exaggerated sense of responsibility and conscientiousness extending as far as the helpersyndrome (I must save him/her from him/herself).
The insidiousness of all these characteristics ensuring that the borderliner and his/her partner fit together like hand in glove in their needs and characteristics lies in the fact that all of this supports the continuation of borderline-disorders instead of counteracting it. A conflict-capable partner with a sound sense of self-esteem, firmly confronting him/her who would be able to handle the threat of emotional blackmail and the withdrawal of love, would be much more beneficial to the borderline patient. He/her would give him/her an opportunity to learn new and more constructive behavior patterns that would then also positively impact his/her other social relationships. In addition to an incredible level of emotional stability such a partner must also command a high emphatically active ability to communicate. So as not to be entrapped to reacting to the triggers of the temper tantrum, as for instance not getting involved in the justification drama la I know you are cheating me! no, I am not! yes, I know you are! ad infinitum, he/she must be able to look at the underlying causes and respond on the meta level: Is it possible that you feel very sad/angry/helpless right now? Tell me how I can help you to feel better.
The 10 Essential Limits
Keep in mind that a limit is not about rules or telling the other person what to do. You can't control their behavior; you can only control your own. Limits are based on your personal values and about what you will do to take care of yourself. For more information about limits, what they are and what they're not, and how to set and observe them, see my book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. 1. No mindreading. Your job is verbalize your own thoughts, feelings, concerns and preferences. By contrast, assuming you know the other person's thoughts and motivations (e.g., "You think that.." or, "You did this/said this because....") is almost always guaranteed to get you into trouble. Mindreading is one of the biggest obstacles to effective communication; it is invalidating, provocative, and almost always based on misinterpretations. 2. Build routines of taking a time out when things begin to get heated. People who are furious simply can't think straight; their brain is so focused on their feelings that logic gets thrown out the window. This is especially true with BPs and NPs. You can test this yourself. Think about something you said in the moment of anger that you regretted the next day (or week). Talk about time-outs at a calm before they are needed, letting your partner know how this will work and assuring him or her that you two will come back to finish the discussion when you are both calmer. (Your partner, of course, has the option of initiating a time out too.) Find a safe place that is sacrosanct to you where no one else can enter when you need to be alone. Early exits when either of you is beginning to feel a temperature rise prevents unsafe, hurtful mistakes--verbal as well as physical. Take the pot off the stove by removing yourself early on from a situation you may not be able to handle calmly. 3. Regularly do things you both enjoy and share positive reactions to your partner . The two of you need positive shared time and interactions to keep the relationship connection solid. Positivity makes relationships worth having. The more appreciation, agreement, affection, playfulness, attention, etc you offer each other, the sunnier your relationship will be. And the more you give, the more you'll get. 4. Focus on what you can do to improve situations rather than criticizing each other . And if you do feel it could be helpful to say something to your partner about what she or he has been doing, offer it as feedback, not as a criticism or complaint. People with personality disorders take criticism very badly, so it doesn't work to change their behavior. Instead, learn ways to bring up your concerns without being critical and triggering the other person's defenses (well, as much as you can for a person with BPD/NPD). To give feedback offer a when-you statement, as in, "When you xyz, I feel abc"). Especially avoid the phrase, "You make me feel." That's blame. Remember that it's not your job to tell your partner what he or she should or shouldn't be doing. It is up to you to be honest about how you react as a consequence of your behavior. Your partner's concern for your feelings will tell you a lot about their capacity to show their love.
Just because you stop criticizing them won't stop them from criticizing and blaming you. With your own therapist or one of my books, formulate a strategy for how you will respond. My books go into this in detail. 5. Do not speak with contempt, ever. Studies have shown that couples who communicate contempt for each other are the most likely to break up. This principle is most important with regard to listening. Dismissive or eye-rolling as a form of listening dooms relationships. 6. No hostile touching; no putting hands on each other in anger . No threats or hurting property, either. Have a zero tolerance policy. Men, take any physical aggressiveness by your girlfriend or wife seriously; abuse of men is an underreported epidemic. Document, document, document, and be in communication with the police. Never put your hands on your partner. Even if it is a mild pat, your partner may exaggerate it and make false abuse claims. You may end up in jail and unable to see your children. 7. Each person needs to have his or her own space, private time, and friendships as well as joint ones . Keep up with your friends and family and never become isolated. Isolation is the kiss of death to your confidence level, well-being, and sense of reality. Find at least one friend or counselor you can be honest with about what's going on. You need outside perspective, even if that threatens your partner. 8. Take responsibility for having and managing your own feelings, verbalizing your concerns and preferences, and being responsive to your partner's concerns and preferences . 9. Come to a mutual agreement about monogamy (or lack of) so you are honest and on the same page. Do not put up with infidelity (however you define it) that goes against your values. With infidelity, your sense of self-esteem will take a huge nosedive and your marriage will eventually be in name only. Again, formulate strategies with a therapist. 10. Work on problem-solving, not blame, and find win-win solutions so "Your-way" and "Theirway" differences lead to an "Our-way" solution that you both feel good about . The key to finding win-win solutions is to focus first on identifying your concerns. The solution needs to be responsive to all the concerns of both of you to be fully win-win. Establishing these limits and principles is a great start for partners. It likely won't work if you try to accomplish them all of them at the same time. Start with the ones you feel strongest about, and move forward discussing and implementing them one by one. If your partner won't seek marital therapy with you, work with your own therapist to make these changes. You need support and encouragement. Enlist family and friends to help you. And remember these guidelines require changes from both of you.
