The Adventures of Roderick Random By Tobias Smollett THE AUTHOR'S PRE A!

E Of all kinds of satire" there is none so entertainin# and universally im$rovin#" as that %hich is introduced" as it %ere occasionally" in the course of an interestin# story" %hich brin#s every incident home to life" and by re$resentin# familiar scenes in an uncommon and amusin# $oint of vie%" invests them %ith all the #races of novelty" %hile nature is a$$ealed to in every $articular& The reader #ratifies his curiosity in $ursuin# the adventures of a $erson in %hose favour he is $re$ossessed' he es$ouses his cause" he sym$athises %ith him in his distress" his indi#nation is heated a#ainst the authors of his calamity( the humane $assions are inflamed' the contrast bet%een de)ected virtue and insultin# vice a$$ears %ith #reater a##ravation" and every im$ression havin# a double force on the ima#ination" the memory retains the circumstance" and the heart im$roves by the e*am$le& The attention is not tired %ith a bare catalo#ue of characters" but a#reeably diverted %ith all the variety of invention' and the vicissitudes of life a$$ear in their $eculiar circumstances" o$enin# an am$le field for %it and humour& Romance" no doubt" o%es its ori#in to i#norance" vanity" and su$erstition& +n the dark a#es of the ,orld" %hen a man had rendered himself famous for %isdom or valour" his family and adherents availed themselves of his su$erior -ualities" ma#nified his virtues" and re$resented his character and $erson as sacred and su$ernatural& The vul#ar easily s%allo%ed the bait" im$lored his $rotection" and yielded the tribute of homa#e and $raise" even to adoration' his e*$loits %ere handed do%n to $osterity %ith a thousand e*a##erations' they %ere re$eated as incitements to virtue' divine honours %ere $aid" and altars erected to his memory" for the encoura#ement of those %ho attem$ted to imitate his e*am$le' and hence arose the heathen mytholo#y" %hich is no other than a collection of e*trava#ant romances& As learnin# advanced" and #enius received cultivation" these stories %ere embellished %ith the #races of $oetry" that they mi#ht the better recommend themselves to the attention' they %ere sun# in $ublic" at festivals" for the instruction and deli#ht of the audience' and rehearsed before battle" as incentives to deeds of #lory& Thus tra#edy and the e$ic muse %ere born" and" in the $ro#ress of taste" arrived at $erfection& +t is no %onder that the ancients could not relish a fable in $rose" after they had seen so many remarkable events celebrated in verse by their best $oets' %e therefore find no romance amon# them durin# the era of their e*cellence" unless the !yro$aedia of .eno$hon may be so called' and it %as not till arts and sciences be#an to revive after the irru$tion of the barbarians into Euro$e" that anythin# of this kind a$$eared& But %hen the minds of men %ere debauched by the im$osition of $riestcraft to the most absurd $itch of credulity" the authors of romance arose" and losin# si#ht of $robability" filled their $erformances %ith the most monstrous hy$erboles& +f they could not e-ual the ancient $oets in $oint of #enius& they %ere resolved to e*cel them in fiction" and a$$ly to the %onder" rather than the )ud#ment" of their readers& Accordin#ly" they brou#ht necromancy to their aid" and instead of su$$ortin# the character of their heroes by di#nity of sentiment and $ractice" distin#uished them by their

bodily stren#th" activity" and e*trava#ance of behaviour& Althou#h nothin# could be more ludicrous and unnatural than the fi#ures they dre%" they did not %ant $atrons and admirers' and the %orld actually be#an to be infected %ith the s$irit of kni#ht/errantry" %hen !ervantes" by an inimitable $iece of ridicule" reformed the taste of mankind" re$resentin# chivalry in the ri#ht $oint of vie%" and convertin# romance to $ur$oses far more useful and entertainin#" by makin# it assume the sock" and $oint out the follies of ordinary life& The same method has been $ractised by other S$anish and rench authors" and by none more successfully than by 0onsieur 1e Sa#e" %ho" in his Adventures of 2il Blas" has described the knavery and foibles of life" %ith infinite humour and sa#acity& The follo%in# sheets + have modelled on his $lan" takin# me liberty" ho%ever" to differ from him in the e*ecution" %here + thou#ht his $articular situations %ere uncommon" e*trava#ant" or $eculiar to the country in %hich the scene is laid& The dis#races of 2il Blas are" for the most $art" such as rather e*cite mirth than com$assion' he himself lau#hs at them' and his transitions from distress to ha$$iness" or at least ease" are so sudden" that neither the reader has time to $ity him" nor himself to be ac-uainted %ith affliction& This conduct" in my o$inion" not only deviates from $robability" but $revents that #enerous indi#nation" %hich ou#ht to animate the reader a#ainst the sordid and vicious dis$osition of the %orld& + have attem$ted to re$resent modest merit stru##lin# %ith every difficulty to %hich a friendless or$han is e*$osed" from his o%n %ant of e*$erience" as %ell as from the selfishness" envy" malice" and base indifference of mankind& To secure a favourable $re$ossession" + have allo%ed him the advanta#es of birth and education" %hich in the series of his misfortunes %ill" + ho$e" en#a#e the in#enuous more %armly in his behalf' and thou#h + foresee" that some $eo$le %ill be offended at the mean scenes in %hich he is involved" + $ersuade myself that the )udicious %ill not only $erceive the necessity of describin# those situations to %hich he must of course be confined" in his lo% estate" but also find entertainment in vie%in# those $arts of life" %here the humours and $assions are undis#uised by affectation" ceremony" or education' and the %himsical $eculiarities of dis$osition a$$ear as nature has im$lanted them& But + believe + need not trouble myself in vindicatin# a $ractice authori3ed by the best %riters in this %ay" some of %hom + have already named& Every intelli#ent reader %ill" at first si#ht" $erceive + have not deviated from nature in the facts" %hich are all true in the main" althou#h the circumstances are altered and dis#uised" to avoid $ersonal satire& +t no% remains to #ive my reasons for makin# the chief $ersona#e of this %ork a 4orth Briton" %hich are chiefly these( + could" at a small e*$ense" besto% on him such education as + thou#ht the di#nity of his birth and character re-uired" %hich could not $ossibly be obtained in En#land" by such slender means as the nature of my $lan %ould afford& lit the ne*t $lace" + could re$resent sim$licity of manners in a remote $art of the kin#dom" %ith more $ro$riety than in any $lace near the ca$ital' and lastly" the dis$osition of the Scots" addicted to travellin#" )ustifies my conduct in derivin# an adventurer from that country& That the delicate reader may not be offended at the unmeanin# oaths %hich $roceed from the mouths of some $ersons in these memoirs" + be# leave to $romise" that

+ ima#ined nothin# could more effectually e*$ose the absurdity of such miserable e*$letives" than a natural and verbal re$resentation of the discourse in %hich they occur& APO1O2UE A youn# $ainter" indul#in# a vein of $leasantry" sketched a kind of conversation $iece" re$resentin# a bear" an o%l" a monkey" and an ass' and to render it more strikin#" humorous" and moral" distin#uished every fi#ure by some emblem of human life& Bruin %as e*hibited in the #arb and attitude of an old" toothless" drunken soldier' the o%l $erched u$on the handle of a coffee/$ot" %ith s$ectacle on nose" seemed to contem$late a ne%s$a$er' and the ass" ornamented %ith a hu#e tie/%i# 5%hich" ho%ever" could not conceal his lon# ears6" sat for his $icture to the monkey" %ho a$$eared %ith the im$lements of $aintin#& This %himsical #rou$ afforded some mirth" and met %ith #eneral a$$robation" until some mischievous %a# hinted that the %hole//%as a lam$oon u$on the friends of the $erformer' an insinuation %hich %as no sooner circulated than those very $eo$le %ho a$$lauded it before be#an to be alarmed" and even to fancy themselves si#nified by the several fi#ures of the $iece& Amon# others" a %orthy $ersona#e in years" %ho had served in the army %ith re$utation" bein# incensed at the Su$$osed outra#e" re$aired to the lod#in# of the $ainter" and findin# him at home" 7Hark ye" 0r& 0onkey"7 said he" 7+ have a #ood mind to convince you" that thou#h the bear has lost his teeth" he retains his $a%s" and that he is not so drunk but he can $erceive your im$ertinence&7 7Sblood8 sir" that toothless )a% is a d//ned scandalous libel//but don't yon ima#ine me so cho$fallen as not to be able to che% the cud of resentment&7 Here he %as interru$ted by the arrival of a learned $hysician" %ho" advancin# to the cul$rit %ith fury in his as$ect" e*claimed" 7Su$$ose the au#mentation of the ass's ears should $rove the diminution of the baboon's//nay" seek not to $revaricate" for" by the beard of Aescula$ius8 there is not one hair in this $eri%i# that %ill not stand u$ in )ud#ment to convict thee of $ersonal abuse& 9o but observe" ca$tain" ho% this $itiful little fello% has co$ied the very curls/the colour" indeed" is different" but then the form and foreto$ are -uite similar&7 ,hile he thus remonstrated in a strain of vociferation" a venerable senator entered" and %addlin# u$ to the delin-uent" 7:ackana$es87 cried he" 7+ %ill no% let thee see + can read somethin# else than a ne%s$a$er" and that %ithout the hel$ of s$ectacles( here is your o%n note of hand" sirrah" for money" %hich if + had not advanced" you yourself %ould have resembled an o%l" in not darin# to sho% your face by day" you un#rateful slanderous knave87 +n vain the astonished $ainter declared that he had no intention to #ive offence" or to characterise $articular $ersons( they affirmed the resemblance %as too $al$able to be overlooked' they ta*ed him %ith insolence" malice" and in#ratitude' and their clamours bein# overheard by the $ublic" the ca$tain %as a bear" the doctor an ass" and the senator an o%l" to his dyin# day& ///// !hristian reader" + beseech thee" in the bo%els of the 1ord" remember this e*am$le 7%hile thou art em$loyed in the $erusal of

the follo%in# sheets' and seek not to a$$ro$riate to thyself that %hich e-ually belon#s to five hundred different $eo$le& +f thou shouldst meet %ith a character that reflects thee in some un#racious $articular" kee$ thy o%n counsel' consider that one feature makes not a face" and that thou#h thou art" $erha$s" distin#uished by a bottle nose" t%enty of thy nei#hbours may be in the same $redicament&7

THE A9;E4TURES O RO9ER+!< RA49O0

!HAPTER + Of my Birth and Education + %as born in the northern $art of this united kin#dom" in the house of my #rand& father" a #entleman of considerable fortune and influence" %ho had on many occasions si#nalised himself in behalf of his country' and %as remarkable for his abilities in the la%" %hich he e*ercised %ith #reat success in the station of a )ud#e" $articularly a#ainst be##ars" for %hom he had a sin#ular aversion& 0y father 5his youn#est son6 fallin# in love %ith a $oor relation" %ho lived %ith the old #entleman in -uality of a housekee$er" es$oused her $rivately' and + %as the first fruit of that marria#e& 9urin# her $re#nancy" a dream discom$osed my mother so much that her husband" tired %ith her im$ortunity" at last consulted a hi#hland seer" %hose favourable inter$retation he %ould have secured beforehand by a bribe" but found him incorru$tible& She dreamed she %as delivered of a tennis/ball" %hich the devil 5%ho" to her #reat sur$rise" acted the $art of a mid%ife6 struck so forcibly %ith a racket that it disa$$eared in an instant' and she %as for some time inconsolable for the lost of her offs$rin#' %hen" all on a sudden" she beheld it return %ith e-ual violence" and enter the earth" beneath her feet" %hence immediately s$ran# u$ a #oodly tree covered %ith blossoms" the scent of %hich o$erated so stron#ly on her nerves that she a%oke& The attentive sa#e" after some deliberation" assured my $arents" that their firstborn %ould be a #reat traveller' that he %ould under#o many dan#ers and difficulties" and at last return to his native land" %here he %ould flourish in ha$$iness and re$utation& Ho% truly this %as foretold %ill a$$ear in the se-uel& +t %as not lon# before some officious $erson informed my #randfather of certain familiarities that $assed bet%een his son and housekee$er %hich alarmed him so much that" a fe% days after" he told my father it %as hi#h time for him to think of settlin#' and that he had $rovided a match for him" to %hich he could in )ustice have no ob)ections& 0y father" findin# it %ould be im$ossible to conceal his situation much lon#er" frankly o%ned %hat he had done' and e*cused himself for not havin# asked the consent of his father" by sayin#" he kne% it %ould have& been to no Pur$ose' and that" had his inclination been kno%n" my #randfather mi#ht have taken such measures as %ould have effectually $ut the #ratification of it out of his $o%er( he added" that no e*ce$tions could be taken to his %ife's virtue" birth" beauty" and #ood sense" and as for fortune"

it %as beneath his care& The old #entleman" %ho ke$t all his $assions" e*ce$t one" in e*cellent order" heard him to an end %ith #reat tem$er" and then calmly asked" ho% he $ro$osed to maintain himself and s$ouse= He re$lied" he could be in no dan#er of %antin# %hile his father's tenderness remained" %hich he and his %ife should al%ays cultivate %ith the utmost veneration' and he %as $ersuaded his allo%ance %ould be suitable to the di#nity and circumstances of his family" and to the $rovision already made for his brothers and sisters" %ho %ere ha$$ily settled under his $rotection& 7>our brothers and sisters"7 said my #randfather" 7did not think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of such im$ortance as matrimony' neither" + su$$ose" %ould you have omitted that $iece of duty" had you not some secret fund in reserve' to the comforts of %hich + leave you" %ith a desire that you %ill this ni#ht seek out another habitation for yourself and %ife" %hither" in a short time" + %ill send you an account of the e* $ens + have been at in your education" %ith a vie% of bein# reimbursed& Sir" you have made the #rand tour//you are a $olite #entleman//a very $retty #entleman//+ %ish you a #reat deal of )oy" and am your very humble servant&7 So sayin#" he left my father in a situation easily ima#ined& Ho%ever" be did not lon# hesitate' for" bein# $erfectly %ell ac-uainted %ith his father's dis$osition" he did not doubt that he %as #lad of this $retence to #et rid of him' and his resolves bein# as invariable as the la%s of the 0edes and Persians" he kno% it %ould be to no $ur$ose to attem$t him by $rayers and entreaties' so %ithout any farther a$$lication" he betook himself" %ith his disconsolate bedfello% to a farm/house" %here an old servant of his mother d%elt( there they remained some time in a situation but ill ada$ted to the ele#ance of their desires and tenderness of their love' %hich nevertheless my father chose to endure" rather than su$$licate an unnatural and infle*ible $arent but my mother" foreseein# the inconveniences to %hich she must have been e*$osed" bad she been delivered in this $lace 5and her $re#nancy %as very far advanced6" %ithout communicatin# her desi#n to her husband" %ent in dis#uise to the house of my #rand& father" ho$in# that her tears and condition %ould move him to com$assion" and reconcile him to an event %hich %as no% irrecoverably $ast& She found means to deceive the servants" and #et introduced as an unfortunate lady" %ho %anted to com$lain of some matrimonial #rievances" it bein# my #randfather's $articular $rovince to decide in all cases of scandal& She %as accordin#ly admitted into his $resence" %here" discoverin# herself" she fell at his feet" and in the most affectin# manner im$lored his for#iveness' at the same the same time re$resentin# the dan#er that threatened not only her life" but that of his o%n #randchild" %hich %as about to see the li#ht& He told her he %as sorry that the indiscretion of her and his son had com$elled him to make a vo%" %hich $ut it out of his $o%er to #ive them any assistance' that he had already im$arted his thou#hts on that sub)ect to her husband" and %as sur$rised that they should disturb his $eace %ith any farther im$ortunity& This said" he retired& The violence of my mother's affliction had such an effect on her constitution that she %as immediately sei3ed %ith the $ains of childbed' and had not an old maidservant" to %hom she %as very dear" afforded her $ity and assistance" at the ha3ard of incurrin# my #randfather's dis$leasure" she and the innocent fruit of her %omb

must have fallen miserable victims to his ri#our and inhumanity& By the friendshi$ of this $oor %oman she %as carried u$ to a #arret" and immediately delivered of a man child" the story of %hose unfortunate birth he himself no% relates& 0y father" bein# informed of %hat had ha$$ened" fle% to the embraces of his darlin# s$ouse" and %hile he loaded his offs$rin# %ith $aternal embraces" could not forbear sheddin# a flood of tears on beholdin# the dear $artner of his heart 5for %hose ease he %ould have sacrificed the treasures of the east6 stretched u$on a flock bed" in a miserable a$artment" unable to $rotect her from the inclemencies of the %eather& +t is not to be su$$osed that the old #entleman %as i#norant of %hat $assed" thou#h he affected to kno% nothin# of the matter" and $retended to be very much sur$rised" %hen one of his #randchildren" by his eldest son deceased" %ho lived %ith him as his heir a$$arent" ac-uainted him %ith the affair' he determined therefore to observe no medium" but immediately 5on the third day after her delivery6 sent her a $erem$tory order to be #one" and turned off the servant %ho had $reserved her life& This behaviour so e*as$erated my father that he had recourse to the most dreadful im$recations' and on his bare knees im$lored that Heaven %ould renounce him if ever he should for#et or for#ive the barbarity of his sire& The in)uries %hich this unha$$y mother received from her removal in such circumstances" and the %ant of necessaries %here she lod#ed" to#ether %ith her #rief and an*iety of mind" soon thre% her into a lan#uishin# disorder" %hich $ut an end to her life& 0y father" %ho loved her tenderly" %as so affected %ith her death that he remained si* %eeks de$rived of his senses' durin# %hich time" the $eo$le %here he lod#ed carried the infant to the old man %ho relented so far" on hearin# the melancholy story of his dau#hter/in/la%'s death" and the de$lorable condition of his son" as to send the child to nurse" and he ordered my father to be carried home to his house" %here he soon recovered the use of his reason& ,hether this hardhearted )ud#e felt any remorse for his cruel treatment of his son and dau#hter" or 5%hich is more $robable6 %as afraid his character %ould suffer in the nei#hbourhood" he $rofessed #reat sorro% for his conduct to my father" %hose delirium %as succeeded by a $rofound melancholy and reserve& At len#th he disa$$eared" and" not%ithstandin# all ima#inable in-uiry" could not be heard of' a circumstance %hich confirmed most $eo$le in the o$inion of his havin# made a%ay %ith himself in a fit of des$air& Ho% + understood the $articulars of my birth %ill a$$ear in the course of these memoirs&

!HAPTER ++

+ #ro% u$//am hated by my Relations//sent to School//ne#lected by my 2randfather//maltreated by my 0aster//seasoned to Adversity//+ form !abals a#ainst the Pedant//am debarred Access to my 2randfather//hunted by his Heir//+ demolish the Teeth of his Tutor

There %ere not %antin# some %ho sus$ected my uncles of bein# concerned in my father's fate" on the su$$osition that they %ould all share in the $atrimony destined for him' and this con)ecture %as stren#thened by reflectin# that in all his calamities they never discovered the least inclination to serve him' but" on the contrary" by all the artifices in their $o%er" fed his resentment and su$$orted his resolution of leavin# him to misery and %ant& But $eo$le of )ud#ment treated this insinuation as an idle chimera' because" had my relations been so %icked as to consult their interest by committin# such an atrocious crime" the fate of my father %ould have e*tended to me too %hose life %as another obstacle to their e*$ectation& 0ean%hile" + #re% a$ace" and as + stron#ly resembled my father" %ho %as the darlin# of the tenants" + %anted nothin# %hich their indi#ent circumstances could afford( but their favour %as a %eak resource a#ainst the )ealous enmity of my cousins' %ho the more my infancy $romised" conceived the more im$lacable hatred a#ainst me( and before + %as si* years of a#e" had so effectually blockaded my #randfather that + never sa% him but by stealth" %hen + sometimes made u$ to his chair as he sat to vie% his labourers in the field( on %hich occasion he %ould stroke my head" bid me be a #ood boy" and $romise to take care of me& + %as soon after sent to school at a villa#e hard by" of %hich he had been dictator time out of mind' but as he never $aid for my board" nor su$$lied me %ith clothes" books" and other necessaries + re-uired" my condition %as very ra##ed and contem$tible" and the schoolmaster" %ho" throu#h fear of my #randfather" tau#ht me #ratis" #ave himself no concern about the $ro#ress + made under his instruction& +n s$ite of all these difficulties and dis#races" + became a #ood $roficient in the 1atin ton#ue' and" as soon as + could %rite tolerably" $estered my #randfather %ith letters to such a de#ree that he sent for my master" and chid him severely for besto%in# such $ains on my education" tellin# him that" if ever + should be brou#ht to the #allo%s for for#ery" %hich he had tau#ht me to commit" my blood %ould lie on his head& The $edant" %ho dreaded nothin# more than the dis$leasure of his $atron" assured his honour that the boy's ability %as more o%in# to his o%n #enius and a$$lication than to any instruction or encoura#ement he received' that" althou#h he could not divest him of the kno%led#e he had already imbibed" unless he %ould em$o%er him to disable his fin#ers" he should endeavour" %ith 2od's hel$" to $revent his future im$rovement& And" indeed" he $unctually $erformed %hat he had undertaken' for" on $retence that + had %ritten im$ertinent letters to my #randfather" he caused a board to be made %ith five holes in it" throu#h %hich he thrust the fin#ers and thumb of my ri#ht hand" and fastened it by %hi$cord to my %rist" in such a manner as effectually debarred me the use of my $en& But this restraint + %as freed from in a fe% days" by an accident %hich ha$$ened in a -uarrel bet%een me and another boy' %ho" takin# u$on him to insult my $overty" + %as so incensed at his un#enerous re$roach that %ith one stroke %ith my machine + cut him to the skull" to the #reat terror of myself and schoolfello%s" %ho left him bleedin# on the #round" and ran to inform the master of %hat had ha$$ened& + %as so severely $unished for this tres$ass that" %ere + to live to the a#e of 0ethusalem" the im$ression it made on me %ould not be effaced' the more than the anti$athy and horror + conceived for the merciless tyrant %ho inflicted it& The contem$t

%hich my a$$earance naturally $roduced in all %ho sa% me" the continual %ants to %hich + %as e*$osed" and my o%n hau#hty dis$osition" im$atient of affronts" involved me in a thousand troublesome adventures" by %hich + %as at len#th inured in adversity" and emboldened to undertakin#s far above my years& + %as often inhumanly scour#ed for crimes + did not commit" because" havin# the character of a va#abond in the villa#e" every $iece of mischief" %hose author lay unkno%n" %as char#ed u$on me& + have been found #uilty of robbin# orchards + never entered" of killin# cats + never hunted" of stealin# #in#erbread + never touched" and of abusin# old %omen + never sa%& 4ay" a stammerin# car$enter had elo-uence enou#h to $ersuade my master that + fired a $istol loaded %ith small shot into his %indo%' thou#h my landlady and the %hole family bore %itness that + %as abed fast aslee$ at the time %hen this outra#e %as committed" + %as once flo##ed for havin# narro%ly esca$ed dro%nin#" by the sinkin# of a ferry boat in %hich + %as $assen#er& Another time" for havin# recovered of a bruise occasioned by a horse and cart runnin# over me& A third time" for bein# bitten by a baker's do#& +n short" %hether + %as #uilty or unfortunate" the correction and sym$athy of this arbitrary $eda#o#ue %ere the same& ar from bein# subdued by this informal usa#e" my indi#nation trium$hed over that slavish a%e %hich had hitherto enforced my obedience' and the more my years and kno%led#e increased" the more + $erceived the in)ustice and barbarity of his behaviour& By the hel$ of an uncommon #enius" and the advice and direction of our usher" %ho had served my father in his travels" + made a sur$risin# $ro#ress in the classics" %ritin#" and arithmetic' so that" before + %as t%elve years old" + %as allo%ed by everybody to be the best scholar in the school& This -ualification" to#ether %ith the boldness of tem$er and stren#th of make %hich had sub)ected almost all my contem$oraries" #ave me such influence over them that + be#an to form cabals a#ainst my $ersecutor' and %as in ho$e of" bein# able to bid him defiance in a very short time& Bein# at the head of a faction" consistin# of thirty boys" most of them of my o%n a#e" + %as determined to $ut their mettle to trial" that + mi#ht kno% ho% far they %ere to be de$ended u$on" before + $ut my #rand scheme in e*ecution( %ith this vie%" %e attacked a body of stout a$$rentices" %ho bad taken $ossession of a $art of the #round allotted to us for the scheme of our diversions" and %ho %ere then $layin# at nine$ins on the s$ot' but + had the mortification to see my adherents routed in an instant" and a le# of one of them broke in his fli#ht by the bo%l" %hich one of our adversaries had detached in $ursuit of us& This discomfiture did not hinder us from en#a#in# them after%ards in fre-uent skirmishes" %hich %e maintained by thro%in# stones at a distance" %herein + received many %ounds" the scars of %hich still remain& Our enemies %ere so harassed and interru$ted by these alarms that they at last abandoned their con-uest" and left us to the $eaceable en)oyment of our o%n territories& +t %ould be endless to enumerate the e*$loits %e $erformed in the course of this confederacy" %hich became the terror of the %hole villa#e' insomuch that" %hen different interests divided it" one of the $arties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random 5by %hich name + %as kno%n6 to cast the balance" and kee$ the o$$osite faction in a%e& 0ean%hile" + took the advanta#e of every $lay/day to $resent myself before my #randfather" to %hom + seldom found access" by reason of his bein# closely besie#ed by a numerous family of his female #randchildren" %ho" thou#h they $er$etually

-uarrelled amon# themselves" never failed to )oin a#ainst me" as the common enemy of all& His heir" %ho %as about the a#e of ei#hteen" minded nothin# but fo*/huntin#" and indeed %as -ualified for nothin# else" not%ithstandin# his #randfather's indul#ence in entertainin# a tutor for him at home' %ho at the same time $erformed the office of $arish clerk& This youn# Actaeon" %ho inherited his #randfather's anti$athy to everythin# in distress" never sat eyes on me %ithout uncou$lin# his bea#les" and huntin# me into some cotta#e or other" %hither + #enerally fled for shelter& +n this !hristian amusement he %as encoura#ed by his $rece$tor" %ho" no doubt" took such o$$ortunities to in#ratiate himself %ith the risin# sun" observin#" that the old #entleman" accordin# to the course of nature" had not lon# to live" for he %as already on the ver#e of fourscore& The behaviour of this rascally syco$hant incensed me so much" that one day" %hen + %as belea#uered by him and his hounds in a farmer's house" %here + had found $rotection" + took aim at him 5bein# an e*cellent marksman6 %ith a lar#e $ebble" %hich struck out four of his foreteeth" and effectually inca$acitated him from doin# the office of a clerk&

!HAPTER +++

0y 0other's Brother arrives//relieves me//a 9escri$tion of him//he #oes alon# %ith me to the House of my 2randfather//is encountered by his 9o#s//defeats them" after a bloody En#a#ement//is admitted to the old 2entleman//a 9ialo#ue bet%een them About this time my mother's only brother" %ho had been lon# abroad" lieutenant of a man/of/%ar" arrived in his o%n country' %here bein# informed of my condition" he came to see me" and out of his slender finances not only su$$lied me %ith %hat necessaries + %anted for the $resent" but resolved not to leave the country until he had $revailed on my #randfather to settle somethin# handsome for the future& This %as a task to %hich he %as by no means e-ual" bein# entirely i#norant" not only of the )ud#e's dis$osition" but also of the %ays of men in #eneral" to %hich his education on board had ke$t him an utter stran#er& He %as a stron# built man" some%hat bandy le##ed" %ith a neck like that of a bull" and a face %hich 5you mi#ht easily $erceive6 had %ithstood the most obstinate assaults of the %eather& His dress consisted of a soldier's coat altered for him by the shi$'s tailor" a stri$ed flannel )acket" a $air of red breeches s$anned %ith $itch" clean #ray %orsted stockin#s" lar#e silver buckles that covered three/fourths of his shoes" a silver/laced hat" %hose cro%n overlooked the brims about an inch and a half" black bob%i# in buckle" a check shirt" a silk handkerchief" a han#er" %ith a brass handle" #irded to his thi#h by a furnished lace belt" and a #ood oak $lant under his arm& Thus e-ui$$ed" he set out %ith me 5%ho by his bounty made a very decent a$$earance6 for my #randfather's house" %here %e %ere

saluted by :o%ler and !aesar" %hom my cousin" youn# master" had let loose at our a$$roach& Bein# %ell ac-uainted %ith the inveteracy of these curs" + %as about to betake myself to my heels" %hen my uncle sei3ed me %ith one hand" brandished his cud#el %ith the other" and at one blo% laid !aesar s$ra%lin# on the #round' but" findin# himself attacked at the same time in the rear by :o%ler" and fearin# !aesar mi#ht recover" he dre% his han#er" %heeled about" and by a lucky stroke severed :o%ler's head from his body& By this time" the youn# fo*hunter and three servants" armed %ith $itchforks and flails" %ere come to the assistance of the do#s" %hom they found breathless u$on the field' and my cousin %as so $rovoked at the death of his favourites" that he ordered his attendants to advance" and take ven#eance on their e*ecutioner" %hom he loaded %ith all the curses and re$roaches his an#er could su##est& U$on %hich my uncle ste$$ed for%ards %ith an undaunted air" at the si#ht of %hose bloody %ea$ons his anta#onists fell back %ith $reci$itation" %hen he accosted their leader thus( 71ookee" brother" your do#s havin# boarded me %ithout $rovocation" %hat + did %as in my o%n defence& So you had best be civil" and let us shoot a head" clear of you&7 ,hether the youn# s-uire misinter$reted my uncle's desire of $eace" or %as enra#ed at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual $itch of resolution" + kno% not' but he snatched a flail from one of his follo%ers" and came u$ %ith a sho% of assaultin# the lieutenant" %ho" $uttin# himself in a $osture of defence" $roceeded thus( 71ookee" you lubberly son of a %//e" if you come ath%art me" '%are your #in#erbread %ork& +'ll be foul of your -uarter" d//n me&7 This declaration" follo%ed by a flourish of his han#er" seemed to check the $ro#ress of the youn# #entleman's choler" %ho" lookin# behind him" $erceived his attendants had slunk into the house" shut the #ate" and left him to decide the contention by himself& Here a $arley ensued" %hich %as introduced by my cousin's askin#" 7,ho the devil are you= ,hat do you %ant= Some scoundrel of a seaman" + su$$ose" %ho has deserted and turned thief& But don't think you shall esca$e" sirrah//+'ll have you han#'d" you do#" + %ill& >our blood shall $ay for that of my t%o hounds" you ra#amuffin& + %ould not have $arted %ith them to save your %hole #eneration from the #allo%s" you ruffian" you87 74one of your )a%" you s%ab//none of your )a%"7 re$lied my uncle" 7else + shall trim your laced )acket for you& + shall rub you do%n %ith an oaken to%el" my boy" + shall&7 So sayin#" he sheathed his han#er" and #ras$ed his cud#el& 0ean%hile the $eo$le of the house bein# alarmed" one of my female cousins o$ened a %indo%" and asked %hat %as the matter& 7The matter87 ans%ered the lieutenant' 7no #reat matter" youn# %oman' + have business %ith the old #entleman" and this s$ark" belike" %on't allo% me to come alon#side of him"7 that's all& After a fe% minutes $ause %e %ere admitted" and conducted to my #randfather's chamber throu#h a lane of my relations" %ho honoured me %ith very si#nificant looks as + $assed alon#& ,hen %e came into the )ud#e's $resence my uncle" after t%o or three sea/bo%s" e*$ressed himself in this manner' 7>our servant" your servant& ,hat cheer" father= %hat cheer= + su$$ose you don't kno% me//mayha$ you don't& 0y name is Tom Bo%lin#" and this here boy" you look as if you did not kno% him neither' 'tis like you mayn't& He's ne% ri##ed" i'faith' his cloth don't shake in the %ind so much as it %ont to do& 7Tis my

ne$he%" d'y see" Roderick Random//your o%n flesh and blood" old #entleman& 9on't lay a/stern" you do#"7 $ullin# me for%ard& 0y #randfather 5%ho %as laid u$ %ith the #out6 received this relation" after his lon# absence" %ith that coldness of civility %hich %as $eculiar to him' told him he %as #lad to see him" and desired him to sit do%n& 7Thank ye" thank ye" sir" + had as lief stand"7 said my uncle' 7for my o%n $art" + desire nothin# of you' but" if you have any conscience at all" do somethin# for this $oor boy" %ho has been used at a very unchristian rate& Unchristian do + call it= + am sure the 0oors in Barbary have more humanity than to leave their little ones to %ant& + %ould fain kno% %hy my sister's son is more ne#lected than that there fair/%eather :ack7 5$ointin# to the youn# s-uire" %ho %ith the rest of my cousins had follo%ed us into the room6& 7+s not he as near akin to you as the other= +s he not much handsomer and better built than that #reat chucklehead= !ome" come" consider" old #entleman" you are #oin# in a short time to #ive an account of your evil actions& Remember the %ron#s you did his father" and make all the satisfaction in your $o%er before it be too late& The least thin# you can do is to settle his father's $ortion on him7 The youn# ladies" %ho thou#ht themselves too much concerned to contain themselves any lon#er" set u$ their throats all to#ether a#ainst my $rotector//7Scurvy com$anion//saucy tar$aulin//rude" im$ertinent fello%" did he think to $rescribe to #rand$a$a= His sister's brat had been too %ell taken care of& 2rand$a$a %as too )ust not make a difference bet%een an unnatural" rebellious son and his dutiful" lovin# children" %ho took his advice in all thin#s'7 and such e*$ressions %ere vented a#ainst him %ith #reat violence' until the )ud#e at len#th commanded silence& He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour" %hich he said he %ould e*cuse on account of his education( he told him he had been very kind to the boy" %hom he had ke$t at school seven or ei#ht years" althou#h he %as informed he made no $ro#ress in his learnin# but %as addicted to all manner of vice" %hich he rather believed" because he himself %as %itness to a barbarous $iece of mischief he had committed on the )a%s of his cha$lain& But" ho%ever" he %ould see %hat the lad %as fit for" and bind him a$$rentice to some honest tradesman or other" $rovided he %ould mend his manners" and behave for the future as became him&7 The honest tar 5%hose $ride and indi#nation boiled %ithin him6 ans%ered my #randfather" that it %as true he had sent him to school" but it had cost him nothin#" for he had never been at one shillin# e*$ense to furnish him %ith food" raiment" books" or other necessaries' so that it %as not much to be %ondered at" if the boy made small $ro#ress' and yet %hoever told him so %as a lyin#" lubberly rascal" and deserved to be keel/haul'd' for thof he 5the lieutenant6 did not understand those matters himself" he %as %ell informed as ho% Rory %as the best scholar of his a#e in all the country' the truth of %hich he %ould maintain" by layin# a %a#er of his %hole half/year's $ay on the boy's head//%ith these %ords he $ulled out his $urse" and challen#ed the com$any( 74either is he $redicted to vice" as you affirm" but rather" left like a %reck" d'ye see" at the mercy of the %ind and %eather" by your ne#lect" old #entleman& As for %hat ha$$ened to your cha$lain" + am only sorry that he did not knock out the scoundrel's brains instead of his teeth& By the 1ord" if ever + come u$ %ith him" he had better be in 2reenland" that's all& Thank you for your courteous offer of bindin# the lad a$$rentice to a tradesman& + su$$ose you %ould make a tailor of him//%ould you= + had rather see him han#'d" d'ye see& !ome alon#" Rory" + $erceive ho% the land lies" my boy//let's tack about" i'faith//%hile + have

a shillin# you shan't %ant a tester& B'%e" old #entleman' you're bound for the other %orld" but + believe damnably ill/$rovided for the voya#e&7 Thus ended our visit' and %e returned to the villa#e" my uncle mutterin# curses all the %ay a#ainst the old shark and the youn# fry that surrounded him&

!HAPTER +;

0y 2randfather makes his ,ill//our second ;isit//he 9ies//his ,ill is read in Presence of all his livin# 9escendants//the 9isa$$ointment of my female !ousins//my Uncle's Behaviour A fe% %eeks after our first visit" %e %ere informed that the old )ud#e" at the end of a fit of thou#htfulness" %hich lasted three days" had sent for a notary and made his %ill' that the distem$er had mounted from his le#s to his stomach" and" bein# conscious of his a$$roachin# end" be had desired to see all his descendants %ithout e*ce$tion& +n obedience to this summons" my uncle set out %ith me a second time" to receive the last benediction of my #randfather( often re$eatin# by the road" 7Ey" ey" %e have brou#ht u$ the old hulk at last& >ou shall see//you shall see the effect of my admonition"7 ,hen %e entered his chamber" %hich %as cro%ded %ith his relations" %e advanced to the bedside" %here %e found him in his last a#onies" su$$orted by t%o of his #randdau#hters" %ho sat on each side of him" sobbin# most $iteously" and %i$in# a%ay the froth and slaver as it #athered on his li$s" %hich they fre-uently kissed %ith a sho% of #reat an#uish and affection& 0y uncle a$$roached him %ith these %ords" 7,hat8 he's not a/%ei#h& Ho% fare ye= ho% fare ye" old #entleman= 1ord have mercy u$on your $oor sinful soul87 U$on %hich" the dyin# man turned his lan#uid eyes to%ards us" and 0r& Bo%lin# %ent on//7Here's $oor Roy come to see you before you die" and to receive your blessin#& ,hat" man8 don't des$air" you have been a #reat sinner" 'tis true"//%hat then= There's a ri#hteous )ud#e above" an't there= He minds me no more than a $or$oise& >es" yes" he's a/#oin#' the land crabs %ill have him" + see that8 his anchor's a/$eak" i'faith&7 This homely consolation scandalised the com$any so much" and es$ecially the $arson" %ho $robably thou#ht his $rovince invaded" that %e %ere obli#ed to retire into another room" %here" in a fe% minutes" %e %ere convinced of my #randfather's decease" by a dismal yell uttered by the youn# ladies in his a$artment' %hither %e immediately hastened" and found his heir" %ho had retired a little before into a closet" under $retence of #ivin# vent to his sorro%" askin#" %ith a countenance beslubbered %ith tears" if his #rand$a$a %as certainly dead= 79ead87 5says my uncle" lookin#" at the body6 7ay" ay" +'ll %arrant him as dead as a herrin#& Odd's fish8 no% my dream is out for all the %orld& + thou#ht + stood u$on the forecastle" and sa% a $arcel of carrion cro%s foul of a dead shark( that floated alon#side" and the devil $erchin# u$on our s$ritsail yard" in the likeness of a blue bear//%ho" d'ye see )um$ed overboard u$on the carcass and carried it to the bottom in his cla%s&7 7Out u$on thee" re$robate7 cries

the $arson 7out u$on thee" blas$hemous %retch8 9ost thou think his honour's soul is in the $ossession of Satan=7 The clamour immediately arose" and my $oor uncle" bein#" shouldered from one corner of the room to the other" %as obli#ed to lu# out in his o%n defence" and s%ear he %ould turn out for no man" till such time as he kne% %ho had the title to send him adrift& 74one of your tricks u$on travellers"7 said he' 7mayha$ old Bluff has left my kinsman here his heir( if he has" it %ill be the better for his miserable soul& Odds bob8 +'d desire no better ne%s& +'d soon make him a clear shin" + %arrant you&7 To avoid any further disturbance" one of my #randfather's e*ecutors" %ho %as $resent" assured 0r& Bo%lin#" that his ne$he% should have all manner of )ustice' that a day should be a$$ointed after the funeral for e*aminin# the $a$ers of the deceased" in $resence of all his relations' till %hich time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain close sealed' and that he %as very %elcome to be %itness to this ceremony" %hich %as immediately $erformed to his satisfaction& +n the meantime" orders %ere #iven to $rovide mournin# for all the relations" in %hich number + %as included' but my uncle %ould not suffer me to acce$t of it" until + should be assured %hether or no + had reason to honour his memory so far& 9urin# this interval" the con)ectures of $eo$le" %ith re#ard to the old #entleman's %ill" %ere various( as it %as %ell kno%n" he had" besides his landed estate" %hich %as %orth ?@AA $er annum" si* or seven thousand $ounds at interest" some ima#ined that the %hole real estate 5%hich he had #reatly im$roved6 %ould #o to the youn# man %hom he al%ays entertained as his heir' and that the money %ould be e-ually divided bet%een my female cousins 5five in number6 and me& Others %ere of o$inion" that" as the rest of the children had been already $rovided for" he %ould only be-ueath t%o or three hundred $ounds to each of his #randdau#hters" and leave the bulk of the sum to me" to atone for his unnatural usa#e of my father& At len#th the im$ortant hour arrived" and the %ill %as $roduced in the midst of the e*$ectants" %hose looks and #estures formed a #rou$ that %ould have been very entertainin# to an unconcerned s$ectator& But" the reader can scarce conceive the astonishment and mortification that a$$eared" %hen an attorney $ronounced aloud" the youn# s-uire sole heir of all his #randfather's estate" $ersonal and real& 0y uncle" %ho had listened %ith #reat attention" suckin# the head of his cud#el all the %hile" accom$anied these %ords of the attorney %ith a stare" and %he%" that alarmed the %hole assembly& The eldest and $ertest of my female com$etitors" %ho had been al%ays very officious about my #randfather's $erson" in-uired" %ith a falterin# accent and visa#e as yello% as an oran#e" 7if there %ere no le#acies=7 and %as ans%ered" 74one at all&7 U$on %hich she fainted a%ay& The rest" %hose e*$ectations" $erha$s" %ere not so san#uine" su$$orted their disa$$ointment %ith more resolution" thou#h not %ithout #ivin# evident marks of indi#nation" and #rief at least as #enuine as that %hich a$$eared in them at the old #entleman's death& 0y conductor" after havin# kicked %ith his heel for some time a#ainst the %ainscot" be#an( 7So there's no le#acy" friend" ha8//here's an old succubus' but somebody's soul ho%ls for it" d//n me87 The $arson of the $arish" %ho %as one of the e*ecutors" and had acted as #hostly director to the old man" no sooner heard this e*clamation than he cried out" 7Avaunt" unchristian reviler8 avaunt8 %ilt thou not allo% the soul of his honour to rest in $eace=7 But this 3ealous $astor did not find himself so %armly seconded" as formerly" by the youn# ladies" %ho no% )oined my uncle a#ainst him" and accused him of havin# acted the $art of a busybody %ith their #rand$a$a %hose ears he

had certainly abused by false stories to their $re)udice" or else he %ould not have ne#lected them in such an unnatural manner& The youn# s-uire %as much diverted %ith this scene" and %his$ered to my uncle" that if he had not murdered his do#s" he %ould have sho%n him #lorious fun" by huntin# a black bad#er 5so he termed the cler#yman6& The surly lieutenant" %ho %as not in a humour to relish this amusement" re$lied" 7>ou and your do#s may be damn'd& + su$$ose you'll find them %ith your old dad" in the latitude of hell& !ome" Rory"//about shi$" my lad" %e must steer another course" + think&7 And a%ay %e %ent&

!HAPTER ;

The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously//+ form a Pro)ect of Reven#e" in %hich + am assisted by my Uncle//+ leave the ;illa#e//am settled at a University by his 2enerosity On our %ay back to the villa#e" my uncle s$oke not a %ord durin# the s$ace of a %hole hour" but %histled %ith #reat vehemence the tune of 7,hy should %e -uarrel for riches"7 etc& his visa#e bein# contracted all the %hile into a most formidable fro%n& At len#th his $ace increased to such a de#ree that + %as left behind a considerable %ay( then he %aited for me' and %hen + %as almost u$ %ith him" called out in a surly tone" 7Bear a hand" damme8 must + brin# to every minute for you" you la3y do#&7 Then" layin# hold of me by the arm" hauled me alon#" until his #ood nature 5of %hich he had a #reat share6 and reflection #ettin# the better of his he said" 7!ome" my boy" don't be cast do%n"//the old rascal is in hell" that's some satisfaction' you shall #o to sea %ith me" my lad& A li#ht heart and a thin $air of breeches #oes throu#h the %orld" brave boys" as the son# #oes//eh87 Thou#h this $ro$osal did not at all suit my inclination" + %as afraid of discoverin# my aversion to it" lest + should disobli#e the only friend + had in the %orld' and he %as so much a seaman that he never dreamt + could have had any ob)ection to his desi#n' conse-uently #ave himself no trouble in consultin# my a$$robation& But this resolution %as soon dro$$ed" by the device of our usher" %ho assured 0r& Bo%lin#" it %ould be a thousand $ities to balk my #enius" %hich %ould certainly one day make my fortune on shore" $rovided it received due cultivation& U$on %hich" this #enerous tar determined 5thou#h he could ill afford it6 to #ive me university education' and accordin#ly settled my board and other e*$enses" at a to%n not many miles distant" famous for its colle#es" %hither %e re$aired in a short time& But" before the day of our de$arture" the schoolmaster" %ho no lon#er had the fear of my #randfather before his eyes" laid aside all decency and restraint" and not only abused me in the #rossest lan#ua#e his rancour could su##est" as a %icked" $roffi#ate" dull" be##arly miscreant" %hom he had tau#ht out of charity' but also invei#hed in the most bitter manner a#ainst the memory of the )ud#e 5%ho by the by had $rocured that settlement for him6" hintin#" in $retty $lain terms" that the old #entleman's soul %as damned to all eternity for his in)ustice in ne#lectin# to $ay for my learnin#&

This brutal behaviour" added to the sufferin#s + had formerly under#one made me think it hi#h time to be reven#ed on this insolent $eda#o#ue& Havin# consulted my adherents" + found them all staunch in their $romises to stand by me' and our scheme %as this(//+n the afternoon $recedin# to the day of our de$arture for the University" + resolved to take the advanta#e of the usher's #oin# out to make %ater 5%hich he re#ularly did at four o'clock6" and shut the #reat door" that he mi#ht not come to the assistance of his su$erior& This bein# done" the assault %as to be be#un by my advancin# to my master and s$ittin# in his face& + %as to be seconded by t%o of the stron#est boys in the school" %ho %ere devoted to me' their business %as to )oin me in dra##in# the tyrant to a bench" over %hich he %as to be laid" and his bare $osteriors heartily flo##ed" %ith his o%n birch" %hich %e $ro$osed to %rest from him in his stru##le' but if %e should find him too many for us all three" %e %ere to demand the assistance of our com$etitors" %ho should be ready to enforce us" or o$$ose anythin# that mi#ht be undertaken for the master's relief& One of my $rinci$al assistants %as called :eremy 2a%ky" son and heir of a %ealthy #entleman in the nei#hbourhood' and the name of the other" Hu#h Stra$" the cadet of a family %hich had #iven shoemakers to the villa#e time out of mind& + had once saved 2a%ky's life" by $lun#in# into a river and dra##in# him on shore" %hen he %as on the $oint of bein# dro%ned& + had often rescued him from the clutches of those %hom his insufferable arro#ance had $rovoked to a resentment he %as not able to sustain' and many times saved his re$utation and $osteriors" by $erformin# his e*ercises at school' so that it is not to be %ondered at" if he had a $articular re#ard for me and my interests& The attachment of Stra$ flo%ed from a voluntary" disinterested inclination" %hich had manifested itself on many occasions in my behalf" he havin# once rendered me the same service that + had rendered 2a%ky" by savin# my life at the risk of his o%n' and often fathered offences that + had committed" for %hich he suffered severely" rather than + should feel the %ei#ht of the $unishment& These t%o cham$ions %ere the more %illin# to en#a#e in this enter$rise" because they intended to leave the school ne*t day" as %ell as +' the first bein# ordered by his father to return into the country" and the other bein# bound a$$rentice to his barber" at a market to%n not far off& +n the meantime" my uncle" bein# informed of my master's behaviour to me" %as enra#ed at his insolence" and vo%ed reven#e so heartily that + could not refrain from tellin# him the scheme + had concerted" %hile he heard %ith #reat satisfaction" at every sentence s-uirtin# out a mouthful of s$ittle" tinctured %ith tobacco" of %hich he constantly che%ed a lar#e -uid& At last" $ullin# u$ his breeches" he cried" 74o" no" 3//ds8 that %on't do neither' ho%soever" 'tis a bold undertakin#" my lad" that + must say" i'faith' but lookee" lookee" ho% do you $ro$ose to #et clear off//%on't the enemy #ive chase" my boy=//ay" ay" that he %ill" + %arrant" and alarm the %hole coast' ah8 2od hel$ thee" more sail than ballast" Rory& 1et me alone for that//leave the %hole to me& +'ll sho% him the foreto$sail" + %ill& +f so be your shi$mates are )olly boys" and %on't flinch" you shall see" yon shall see' e#ad" +'ll $lay him such a salt/%ater trick +'ll brin# him to the #an#%ay& and anoint him %ith a cat/and/nine/tails' he shall have a round do3en doubled" my lad" he shall//and be left lashed to his meditations&7 ,e %ere very $roud of our associate" %ho immediately %ent to %ork" and $re$ared the instrument of his reven#e %ith #reat skill and e*$edition' after %hich" he ordered our ba##a#e to be $acked u$ and sent off" a day

before our attem$t" and #ot horses ready to be mounted" as soon as the affair should be over& At len#th the hour arrived" %hen our au*iliary" sei3in# the o$$ortunity of the usher's absence" bolted in" secured the door" and immediately laid hold of the $edant by his collar %ho ba%led out" 70urder" Thieves&7 %ith the voice of a Stentor& Thou#h + trembled all over like an as$en leaf" + kne% there %as no time to be lost" and accordin#ly #ot u$" and summoned our associates to our assistance& Stra$" %ithout any hesitation" obeyed the si#nal" and seein# me lea$ u$on the master's back" ran immediately to one of his le#s" %hich $ullin# %ith all his force" this dreadful adversary %as humbled to the #round' u$on %hich 2a%ky" %ho had hitherto remained in his $lace" under the influence of a universal tre$idation" hastened to the scene of action" and insulted the fallen tyrant %ith a loud hu33a" in %hich the %hole school )oined& The noise alarmed the usher" %ho" findin# himself shut out" endeavoured" $artly by threats and $artly by entreaties" to $rocure admission& 0y uncle bade him have a little $atience" and he %ould let him in $resently' but if he $retended to stir from that $lace" it should fare the %orse %ith the son of a bitch his su$erior" on %hom he intended only to besto% a little %holesome chastisement" for his barbarous usa#e of Rory" 7to %hich"7 said he" 7you are no stran#er&7 By this time %e had dra##ed the criminal to a $ost" to %hich Bo%lin# tied him %ith a ro$e he had $rovided on $ur$ose' after havin# secured his hands and stri$$ed his back& +n this ludicrous $osture he stood 5to the no small entertainment of the boys" %ho cro%ded about him" and shouted %ith #reat e*ultation at the novelty of the si#ht6" ventin# bitter im$recations a#ainst the lieutenant" and re$roachin# his scholars %ith treachery and rebellion' %hen the usher %as admitted" %hom my uncle accosted in this manner( 7Harkee" 0r& Synta*" + believe you are an honest man" d'ye see//and + have a res$ect for you//but for all that" %e must" for our o%n security" d'ye see" belay you for a short time&7 ,ith these %ords" he $ulled out some fathoms of cord" %hich the honest man no sooner sa% than he $rotested %ith #reat earnestness he %ould allo% no violence to be offered to him" at the same time accusin# me of $erfidy and in#ratitude& But Bo%lin# re$resentin# that it %as in vain to resist" and that he did not mean to use him %ith violence and indecency" but only to hinder him from raisin# the hue and cry a#ainst us before %e should be out of their $o%er" he allo%ed himself to be bound to his o%n desk" %here he sat a s$ectator of the $unishment inflicted on his $rinci$al& 0y uncle" havin# u$braided this arbitrary %retch %ith his inhumanity to me" told him" that he $ro$osed to #ive him a little disci$line for the #ood of his soul" %hich he immediately $ut in $ractice" %ith #reat vi#our and de*terity& This smart a$$lication to the $edant's %ithered $osteriors #ave him such e*-uisite $ain that he roared like a mad bull" danced" cursed" and blas$hemed" like a frantic bedlamite& ,hen the lieutenant thou#ht himself sufficiently reven#ed" he took his leave of him in these %ords( 74o%" friend" you'll remember me the lon#est day you have to live' + have #iven you a lesson that %ill let you kno% %hat flo##in# is" and teach you to have more sym$athy for the future& Shout" boys" shout87 This ceremony %as no sooner over than my uncle $ro$osed they should -uit the school" and convey their old comrade Rory to the $ublic/house" about a mile from the villa#e" %here he %ould treat them all& His offer bein# )oyfully embraced" he addressed himself to 0r& Synta*" and be##ed him to accom$any us' but this invitation he refused %ith #reat disdain" tellin# my benefactor he %as not the

man he took him to be& 7,ell" %ell" old surly"7 re$lied my uncle" shakin# his hand" 7thou art an honest fello% not%ithstandin#' and if ever + have the command of a shi$" thou shalt be our schoolmaster" i'faith&7 So sayin# he dismissed the boys" and lockin# the door" left the t%o $rece$tors to console one another' %hile %e moved for%ards on our )ourney" attended by a numerous retinue" %hom he treated accordin# to his $romise& ,e $arted %ith many tears" and lay that ni#ht at an inn on the road" about ten miles short of the to%n %here + %as to remain" at %hich %e arrived ne*t day" and + found + had no cause to com$lain of the accommodations $rovided for me" in bein# boarded at the house of an a$othecary" %ho had married a distant relation of my mother& +n a fe% days after" my uncle set out for his shi$" havin# settled the necessary funds for my maintenance and education&

!HAPTER ;+

+ make #reat $ro#ress in my Studies//am caressed by Everybody//my female !ousins take notice of me/+ re)ect their +nvitation/they are incensed" and cons$ire a#ainst me/am left destitute by a 0isfortune that befalls my Uncle/2a%ky's Treachery/my Reven#e As + %as no% ca$able of reflection" + be#an to consider my $recarious situation' that + %as utterly abandoned by those %hose duty it %as to $rotect me( and that my sole de$endence %as on the #enerosity of one man" %ho %as not only e*$osed by his $rofession to continual dan#ers" %hich mi#ht one day de$rive me of him for ever' but also 5no doubt6 sub)ect to those vicissitudes of dis$osition %hich a chan#e of fortune usually creates" or %hich a better ac-uaintance %ith the %orld mi#ht $roduce' for + al%ays ascribed his benevolence to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce %ith mankind& Alarmed at these considerations" + resolved to a$$ly myself %ith #reat care to my studies" and en)oy the o$$ortunity in my $o%er( this + did %ith such success that" in the s$ace of three years" + understood 2reek very %ell" %as $retty far advanced in the mathematics" and no stran#er to moral and natural $hiloso$hy( lo#ic + made no account of' but" above all thin#s" + valued myself on my taste in the belles lettres" and a talent for $oetry" %hich had already $roduced some $ieces that had met %ith a favourable rece$tion& These -ualifications" added to a #ood face and sha$e" ac-uired the esteem and ac-uaintance of the most considerable $eo$le in to%n" and + had the satisfaction to find myself in some de#ree of favour %ith the ladies' an into*icatin# $iece of #ood fortune to one of my amorous com$le*ion8 %hich + obtained" or at least $reserved" by #ratifyin# their $ro$ensity to scandal" in lam$oonin# their rivals& T%o of my female cousins lived in this $lace" %ith their mother" since the death of their father" %ho left his %hole fortune e-ually divided bet%een them' so that" if they %ere not the most beautiful"

they %ere at least the richest toasts in to%n' and received daily the addresses of all the beau* and cavaliers of the country& Althou#h + had hitherto been looked u$on by them %ith the most su$ercilious contem$t" my character no% attracted their notice so much that + %as #iven to understand + mi#ht be honoured %ith their ac-uaintance" if + $leased& The reader %ill easily $erceive that this condescension either flo%ed from the ho$e of makin# my $oetical ca$acity subservient to their malice" or at least of screenin# themselves from the lash of my resentment" %hich they had effectually $rovoked& + en)oyed this trium$h %ith #reat satisfaction" and not only re)ected their offer %ith disdain" but in all my $erformances" %hether satire or $ane#yric" industriously avoided mentionin# their names" even %hile + celebrated those of their intimates( this ne#lect mortified their $ride e*ceedin#ly and incensed them to such a de#ree that they %ere resolved to make me re$ent of my indifference& The first stroke of their reven#e consisted in their hirin# a $oor colle#ian to %rite verses a#ainst me" the sub)ect of %hich %as my o%n $overty" and the catastro$he of my unha$$y $arents' but" besides the badness of the com$osition 5of %hich they themselves %ere ashamed6" they did not find their account in endeavourin# to re$roach me %ith those misfortunes %hich they and their relations had brou#ht u$on me' and %hich conse-uently reflected much more dishonour on themselves than on me" %ho %as the innocent victim of their barbarity and avarice& indin# this $lan miscarry" they found means to irritate a youn# #entleman a#ainst me" by tellin# him + had lam$ooned his mistress' and so effectually succeeded in the -uality of incendiaries that this enra#ed lover determined to sei3e me ne*t ni#ht as + returned to my lod#in#s from a friend's house that + fre-uented( %ith this vie%" he %aited in the street" attended by t%o of his com$anions" to %hom he had im$arted his desi#n of carryin# me do%n to the river" in %hich $ro$osed to have me heartily ducked" not%ithstandin# the severity of the %eather" it bein# then about the middle of 9ecember& But this strata#em did not succeed' for" bein# a$$rised of their ambush" + #ot home another %ay" and by the hel$ of my landlord's a$$rentice" dischar#ed a volley from the #arret %indo%" %hich did #reat e*ecution u$on them" and ne*t day occasioned so much mirth at their e*$ense that they found themselves under a necessity of leavin# the to%n" until the adventure should be entirely for#otten& 0y cousins 5thou#h t%ice baffled in their e*$ectation6 did not" ho%ever" desist from $ersecutin# me" %ho had no% enra#ed them beyond a $ossibility of for#iveness by detectin# their malice and $reventin# its effects( neither should + have found them more humane" had + $atiently submitted to their rancour" and borne %ithout murmurin# the ri#our of their unreasonable hate' for + have found by e*$erience" that thou#h small favours may be ackno%led#ed and sli#ht in)uries atoned" there is no %retch so un#rateful as he %hom you have most #enerously obli#ed" and no enemy so im$lacable as those %ho have done you the #reatest %ron#& These #ood/natured creatures" therefore" had recourse to a scheme %hich cons$ired %ith a $iece of bad ne%s + soon after received" to #ive them all the satisfaction they desired( this $lan %as to debauch the faith of my com$anion and confidant" %ho betrayed the trust + re$osed in him" by im$artin# to them the $articulars of my small amours" %hich they $ublished %ith such e*a##erations that + suffered very much in the o$inion of everybody"

and %as utterly discarded by the dear creatures %hose names had been called in -uestion& ,hile + %as busy in tracin# out the author of this treachery" that + mi#ht not only be reven#ed on him" but also vindicate my character to my friends" + one day $erceived the looks of my landlady much altered" %hen + %ent home to my dinner" and in-uirin# into the cause" she scre%ed u$ her mouth" and fi*ed her eyes on the #round" told me her husband had received a letter from 0r& Bo%lin#" %ith one inclosed for me& She %as very sorry for %hat had ha$$ened" both for my sake and his o%n//$eo$le should be more cautious of their conduct//she %as al%ays afraid his brutal behaviour %ould brin# him into some misfortune or other& As for her $art" she should be very ready to befriend me' but she had a small family of her o%n to maintain& The %orld %ould do nothin# for her if she should come to %ant//charity be#ins at home( she %ished + had been bound to some substantial handicraft" such as a %eaver or a shoemaker" rather than loiter a%ay my time in learnin# foolish nonsense" that %ould never brin# me in a $enny but some folks are %ise" and some are other%ise& + %as listenin# to this mysterious discourse %ith #reat ama3ement" %hen her husband entered" and" %ithout s$eakin# a syllable" $ut both the letters into my hand& + received them tremblin#" and read %hat follo%s( 'To 0r& Ro#er Potion 'Sir" 'This is to let you kno% that + have -uitted the Thunder man of %ar" bein# obli#ed to sheer off for killin# my ca$tain" %hich + did fairly on the beach" at !a$e Tiberoon" in the +sland of His$aniola' havin# received his fire and returned it" %hich %ent throu#h his body( and + %ould serve the best man so that ever ste$$ed bet%een stem and stern" if so be that he struck me" as !a$tain Oakum did& + am 5thank 2od6 safe amon# the rench" %ho are very civil" thof + don't understand their lin#o' and + ho$e to be restored in a little time" for all the #reat friends and $arliamentary interest of the ca$tain" for + have sent over to my landlord in 9eal an account of the %hole affair" %ith our bearin#s and distances %hile %e %ere en#a#ed" %hereby + have desired him to lay it before his ma)esty" %ho 52od bless him6 %ill not suffer an honest tar to be %ron#ed& 0y love to your s$ouse" and am your lovin# friend and servant to command" %hile 'Thomas Bo%lin#"' 'To Roderick Random '9ear Rory" '9on't be #rieved at my misfortune" but mind your book" my lad& + have #ot no money to send you" but %hat of that= 0r& Potion %ill take care of you for the love he bears to me" and let you %ant for nothin#' and it shall #o hard but + %ill see him one day re$aid& 4o more at $resent" but rests

'>our dutiful uncle 'and servant" till death" 'Thomas Bo%lin#&' This letter 5%hich" %ith the other" %as dated from Port 1onis" in His$aniola6 + had no sooner read than the a$othecary" shakin# his head" be#an( 7+ have a very #reat re#ard for 0r& Bo%lin# that's certain' and could be %ell content//but times are very hard& There's no such thin# as money to be #ot' + believe 'tis all vanished under #round" for my $art& Besides" + have been out of $ocket already" havin# entertained you since the be#innin# of this month" %ithout receivin# a si*$ence" and 2od kno%s if ever + shall' for + believe it %ill #o hard %ith your uncle& And more than that" + %as thinkin# of #ivin# you %arnin#" for + %ant your a$artment for a ne% $rentice" %hom + e*$ect from the country every hour& So + desire you %ill this %eek $rovide yourself %ith another lod#in#&7 The indi#nation %hich this haran#ue ins$ired #ave me s$irits to su$$ort my reverse of fortune" and to tell him + des$ised his mean selfish dis$osition so much that + %ould rather starve than be beholden to him for one sin#le meal& U$on %hich" out of my $ocket money" + $aid him to the last farthin# of %hat + o%ed" and assured him" + %ould not slee$ another ni#ht under his roof& This said" + sallied out in a trans$ort of ra#e and sorro%" %ithout kno%in# %hither to fly for shelter" havin# not one friend in the %orld ca$able of relievin# me" and only three shillin#s in my $urse& After #ivin# %ay for a fe% minutes to the dictates of my ra#e" + %ent and hired a small bedroom" at the rate of one shillin# and si*$ence $er %eek" %hich + %as obli#ed to $ay $er advance" before the landlord %ould receive me( thither + removed my lu##a#e' and ne*t mornin# #ot u$" %ith a vie% of cravin# the advice and assistance of a $erson %ho had on all occasions loaded me %ith caresses and made fre-uent offers of friendshi$" %hile + %as under no necessity of acce$tin# them& He received me %ith his %onted affability" and insisted on my breakfastin# %ith him" a favour %hich + did not think fit to refuse& But %hen + communicated the occasion of my visit" he a$$eared so disconcerted that + concluded him %onderfully affected %ith the misery of my condition and looked u$on him as a man of the most e*tensive sym$athy and benevolence& He did not leave me lon# under this mistake' for" recoverin# himself from his confusion" he told me he %as #rieved at my misfortune" and desired to kno% %hat had $assed bet%een my landlord" 0r& Potion" and me& ,hereu$on + recounted the conversation' and" %hen + re$eated the ans%er + made to his un#enerous remonstrance %ith re#ard to my leavin# his house" this $retended friend affected a stare" and e*claimed" 7+s it $ossible you could behave so ill to the man %ho had treated you so kindly all alon#=7 0y sur$rise at hearin# this %as not at all affected" %hatever his mi#ht be' and + #ave to understand %ith some %armth" that + did not ima#ine he %ould so unreasonably es$ouse the cause of a scoundrel %ho ou#ht to be e*$elled from every social community& This heat of mine #ave him all the advanta#e he desired over me" and our discourse" after much altercation" concluded in his desirin# never to see me a#ain in that $lace' to %hich desire + yielded my consent" assurin# him" that" had + been as %ell ac-uainted %ith his $rinci$les formerly as + %as no%" he never should have had an o$$ortunity of

makin# that re-uest& And thus %e $arted& On my return" + met my comrade" S-uire 2a%ky" %hom his father had sent" some time a#o" to to%n" for his im$rovement in %ritin#" dancin#" fencin#" and other modish -ualifications& As + had lived %ith him since his arrival on the footin# of our old intimacy" + made no scru$le of informin# him of the lo%ness of my circumstances" and askin# a small su$$ly of money" to ans%er my $resent e*$ense' u$on %hich he $ulled out a handful of half$ence %ith a shillin# or t%o amon# them" and s%ore that %as all he had to kee$ his $ocket till ne*t -uarter/day he havin# lost the #reatest $art of his allo%ance the ni#ht before at billiards& Thou#h this assertion mi#ht very %ell be true" + %as e*tremely mortified at his indifference( for he neither e*$ressed any sym$athy for my misha$ nor desire of alleviatin# my distress' and accordin#ly + left him %ithout utterin# one %ord( but" %hen + after%ards understood that he %as the $erson %ho had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my cousins" to %hom like%ise he had carried the tidin#s of my forlorn situation" %hich afforded them #reat matter of trium$h and e*ultation" + determined %ith myself to call him to a severe account for %hich $ur$ose + borro%ed a s%ord" and %rote a challen#e" desirin# him to meet me at a certain time and $lace" that + mi#ht have an o$$ortunity of $unishin# his $erfidy" at the e*$ense of his blood& He acce$ted the invitation" and + betook myself to the field" thou#h not %ithout feelin# considerable re$u#nance to the combat" %hich fre-uently attacked me in cold s%eats by the %ay' but the desire of reven#e" the shame of retractin#" and ho$e of con-uest" cons$ired to re$el these unmanly sym$toms of fear' and + a$$eared on the $lain %ith a #ood #race( there + %aited an hour beyond the time a$$ointed" and %as not ill $leased to find he had no mind to meet me" because + should have an o$$ortunity of e*$osin# his co%ardice" dis$layin# my o%n coura#e" and of beatin# him soundly %heresoever + should find" %ithout any dread of the conse-uence& Elevated %ith these su##estions" %hich entirely banished all thou#hts of my de$lorable condition" + %ent directly to 2a%ky's lod#in#s" %here + %as informed of his $reci$itate retreat" he havin# set out for the country in less than an hour after he had received my billet' and + %as vain enou#h to have the %hole story inserted in the ne%s" althou#h + %as fain to sell a #old laced hat to my landlord for less than half/$rice" to defray the e*$enses and contribute to my subsistence&

!HAPTER ;++

+ am entertained by 0r& !rab//a descri$tion of him//+ ac-uire the Art of Sur#ery//consult !rab's 9is$osition//become necessary to him//an Accident ha$$ens//he advises me to launch out into the %orld//assists me %ith 0oney/+ set out for 1ondon The fumes of my resentment bein# dissi$ated" as %ell as the vanity

of my success" + found myself deserted to all the horrors of e*treme %ant" and avoided by mankind as a creature of a different s$ecies" or rather as a solitary bein#" no%ays com$rehended %ithin the scheme or $rotection of Providence& 0y des$air had rendered me almost -uite stu$ified" %hen + %as one day told" that a #entleman desired to see me at a certain $ublic/house" %hither immediately + re$aired' and %as introduced to one 0r& 1auncelot !rab" a sur#eon in to%n" %ho %as en#a#ed %ith t%o more in drinkin# a li-uor called $o$/in" com$osed by mi*in# a -uartern of brandy %ith a -uart of small beer& Before + relate the occasion of this messa#e" + believe it %ill not be disa#reeable to the reader" if + describe the #entleman %ho sent for me" and mention some circumstances of his character and conduct %hich may illustrate %hat follo%s" and account for his behaviour to me& This member of the faculty %as a#ed fifty" about five feet hi#h" and ten round the belly' his face %as as ca$acious as a full moon" and much of the com$le*ion of a mulberry( his nose" resemblin# a $o%der/horn" %as s%elled to an enormous si3e" and studded all over %ith carbuncles' and his little #ray eyes reflected the rays in such an obli-ue manner that" %hile he looked a $erson full in the face" one %ould have ima#ined he %as admirin# the buckle of his shoe& He had lon# entertained an im$lacable resentment a#ainst Potion" %ho" thou#h a youn#er $ractitioner" %as better em$loyed than he" and once had the assurance to $erform a cure" %hereby he disa$$ointed and dis#raced the $ro#nostic of the said !rab& This -uarrel %hich %as at one time u$on the $oint of bein# made u$" by the inter$osition and mediation of friends" had been lately inflamed beyond a $ossibility of reconciliation by the res$ective %ives of the o$$onents" %ho" chancin# to meet at a christenin#" disa#reed about $recedence" $roceeded from invectives to blo%s" and %ere %ith #reat difficulty" by the #ossi$s" $revented from convertin# the occasion of )oy into a scene of lamentation& The difference bet%een these rivals %as in the hei#ht of rancour" %hen + received the messa#e of !rab" %ho received me as civilly as + could have e*$ected from one of his dis$osition' and" after desirin# me to sit" in-uired into the $articulars of my leavin# the house of Potion' %hich %hen + had related" he said" %ith a malicious #rin" 7There's a sneakin# do#8 + al%ays thou#ht him a fello% %ithout a soul" d//n me" a cantin# scoundrel" %ho has cre$t into business by his hy$ocrisy" and kissin# the a//e of every body&7//7Ay" ay"7 says another" 7one mi#ht see %ith half an eye that the rascal has no honesty in him" by his #oin# so re#ularly to church&7 This sentence %as confirmed by a third" %ho assured his com$anions that Potion %as never kno%n to be dis#uised in li-uor but once" at a meetin# of the #odly" %here he had distin#uished himself by an e*tem$ore $rayer an hour lon#& After this $reamble" !rab addressed himself to me in these %ords( 7,ell" my lad" + have heard a #ood character of you" and +'ll do for you& >ou may send your thin#s to my house %hen you $lease& + have #iven orders for your rece$tion& Bounds8 ,hat does the booby stare at= +f you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer" you may let it alone" and be d//d&7 + ans%ered %ith a submissive bo%" that + %as far from re)ectin# his friendly offer" %hich + %ould immediately acce$t" as soon as he should inform me on %hat footin# + %as to be entertained& 7,hat footin#8 9//n my blood"7 cried he" 7d'ye e*$ect to have a footman and a cou$le of horses ke$t for you=7 74o" sir"7 + re$lied" 7my e*$ectations

are not -uite so san#uine& That + may be as little burthensome as $ossible" + %ould %illin#ly serve in your sho$" by %hich means + may save you the e*$ense of a )ourneyman" or $orter at least" for + understand a little $harmacy" havin# em$loyed some of my leisure hours in the $ractice of that art" %hile + lived %ith 0r& Potion' neither am + alto#ether i#norant of sur#ery" %hich + have studied %ith #reat $leasure and a$$lication&7//7Oho8 you did"7 says !rab& 72entlemen" here is a com$lete artist8 Studied sur#ery8 ,hat= in books" + su$$ose& + shall have you dis$utin# %ith me one of these days on $oints of my $rofession& >ou can already account for muscular motion" + %arrant" and e*$lain the mystery of the brain and nerves//ha8 >ou are too learned for me" d//n me& But let's have no more of this stuff& !an you blood and #ive a clyster" s$read a $laster" and $re$are a $otion=7 U$on my ans%erin# in the affirmative" he shock his head" tellin# me" he believed he should have little #ood of me" for all my $romises' but" ho%ever" he %ould take me in for the sake of charity& + %as accordin#ly that very ni#ht admitted to his house" and had an a$artment assi#ned to me in the #arret" %hich + %as fain to $ut u$ %ith" not%ithstandin# the mortification my $ride suffered in this chan#e of circumstances& + %as soon convinced of the real motives %hich induced !rab to receive me in this manner' for" besides the #ratification of his reven#e" by e*$osin# the selfishness of his anta#onist" in o$$osition to his o%n #enerosity" %hich %as all affectation" he had occasion for a youn# man %ho understood somethin# of the $rofession" to fill u$ the $lace of his eldest a$$rentice" lately dead" not %ithout violent sus$icion of foul $lay from his master's brutality& The kno%led#e of this circumstance" to#ether %ith his daily behaviour to his %ife and the youn# a$$rentice" did not at all contribute to my en)oyin# my ne% situation %ith ease' ho%ever" as + did not $erceive ho% + could besto% myself to better advanta#e" + resolved to study !rab's tem$er %ith all the a$$lication" and mana#e it %ith all the address in my $o%er& And it %as not lon# before + found out a stran#e $eculiarity of humour %hich #overned his behaviour to%ards all his de$endents& + observed" %hen he %as $leased" he %as such a ni##ard of his satisfaction that" if his %ife or servants betrayed the least sym$tom of $artici$ation" he %as offended to an insu$$ortable de#ree of choler and fury" the effects of %hich they seldom failed to feel& And %hen his indi#nation %as roused" submission and soothin# al%ays e*as$erated it beyond the bounds of reason and humanity& + therefore $ursued a contrary $lan' and one day" %hen he honoured me %ith the names of i#norant %hel$ and la3y ra#amuffin" + boldly re$lied" + %as neither i#norant nor la3y" since + both understood and $erformed my business as %ell as he could do for his soul' neither %as it )ust to call me ra#amuffin" for + had a %hole coat on my back" and %as descended from a better family than any he could boast an alliance %ith& He #ave tokens of #reat ama3ement at this assurance of mine" and shook his cane over my head" re#ardin# me all the time %ith a countenance truly diabolical& Althou#h + %as terribly startled at his menacin# looks and $osture" + yet had reflection enou#h left to convince me + had #one too far to retract" and that this %as the critical minute %hich must decide my future lot in his service' + therefore snatched u$ the $estle of a mortar" and s%ore" if he offered to strike me %ithout a cause" + should see %hether his skull or my %ea$on %as hardest&

He continued silent for some time" and at last broke forth into these e)aculations( 7This is fine usa#e from a servant to his master//very fine8 damnation8 but no matter" you shall $ay for this" you do#" you shall' +'++ do your business//yes" yes" +'ll teach you to lift your hand a#ainst me&7 So sayin#" he retired" and left me under dreadful a$$rehensions" %hich vanished entirely at our ne*t meetin#" %hen he behaved %ith unusual com$lacency" and treated me %ith a #lass of $unch after dinner& By this conduct + #ot the ascendancy over him in a short time" and became so necessary to him" in mana#in# his business %hile he %as en#a#ed at the bottle" that fortune be#an to %ear a kinder as$ect' and + consoled myself for the disre#ard of my former ac-uaintance" %ith the kno%led#e + daily imbibed by a close a$$lication to the duties of my em$loyment" in %hich + succeeded beyond my o%n e*$ectation& + %as on very #ood terms %ith my master's %ife" %hose esteem + ac-uired and cultivated" by re$resentin# 0rs& Potion in the most ridiculous li#hts my satirical talents could invent" as %ell as by renderin# her some !hristian offices" %hen she had been too familiar %ith the dram bottle" to %hich she had oftentimes recourse for consolation" under the affliction she suffered from a barbarous husband& +n this manner + lived" %ithout hearin# the least tidin#s of my uncle for the s$ace of t%o years" durin# %hich time + ke$t little or no com$any" bein# neither in a humour to relish nor in a ca$acity to maintain much ac-uaintance' for the 4abal my master allo%ed me no %a#es" and the small $er-uisites of my station scarcely su$$lied me %ith the common necessaries of life& + %as no lon#er a $ert unthinkin# co*comb" #iddy %ith $o$ular a$$lause" and elevated %ith the e*trava#ance of ho$e( my misfortunes had tau#ht me ho% little the caresses of the %orld" durin# a man's $ros$erity" are to be valued by him' and ho% seriously and e*$editiously he ou#ht to set about makin# himself inde$endent of them& 0y $resent a$$earance" therefore" %as the least of my care" %hich %as %holly en#rossed in layin# u$ a stock of instruction that mi#ht secure me a#ainst the ca$rice of fortune for the future& + became such a sloven" and contracted such an air of austerity" that everybody $ronounced me crestfallen' and 2a%ky returned to to%n %ithout runnin# any risk from my resentment" %hich %as by this time $retty much cooled" and restrained by $rudential reasons so effectually that + never so much as thou#ht of obtainin# satisfaction for the in)uries be had done me& ,hen + deemed myself sufficiently master of my business + be#an to cast about for an o$$ortunity of launchin# into the %orld" in ho$e of findin# some $rovision that mi#ht make amends for the difficulties + had under#one' but" as this could not be effected %ithout a small sum of money to e-ui$ me for the field" + %as in the utmost $er$le*ity ho% to raise it" %ell kno%in# that !rab" for his o%n sake" %ould never $ut me in a condition to leave him" %hen his interest %as so much concerned in my stay& But a small accident" %hich ha$$ened about this time" determined him in my favour& This %as no other than the $re#nancy of his maidservant" %ho declared her situation to me" assurin# me at the same time that + %as the occasion of it& Althou#h + had no reason to -uestion the truth of this im$utation" + %as not i#norant of the familiarities %hich had $assed bet%een her master and her" takin# the advanta#e of %hich + re$resented

to her the folly of layin# the burden at my door" %hen she mi#ht dis$ose of it to much better $ur$ose %ith 0r& !rab& She listened to my advice" and ne*t day ac-uainted him %ith the $retended success of their mutual endeavours& He %as far from bein# over)oyed at this $roof of his vi#our" %hich he foresa% mi#ht have very troublesome conse-uences' not that he dreaded any domestic #rumblin#s and re$roaches from his %ife" %hom he ke$t in $erfect sub)ection' but because he kne% it %ould furnish his rival Potion %ith a handle for insultin# and underminin# his re$utation" there bein# no scandal e-ual to that of uncleanness" in the o$inion of those %ho inhabit the $art of the island %here he lived& He therefore took a resolution %orthy of himself" %hich %as" to $ersuade the #irl that she %as not %ith child" but only afflicted %ith a disorder incidental to youn# %omen" %hich he could easily remove( %ith this vie% 5as he $retended6 he $rescribed for her such medicines as he thou#ht %ould infallibly $rocure abortion' but in this scheme he %as disa$$ointed" for the maid" bein# advertised by me of his desi#n" and at the same time %ell ac-uainted %ith her o%n condition" absolutely refused to follo% his directions' and threatened to $ublish her situation to the %orld if he %ould not immediately take some method of $rovidin# for the im$ortant occasion" %hich she e*$ected in a fe% months& +t %as not lon# before + #uessed the result of his deliberation" by his addressin# himself to me one day in this manner( 7+ am sur$rised that a youn# fello% like you discovers no inclination to $ush his fortune in the %orld& Before + %as of your a#e + %as broilin# on the coast of 2uinea& 9//e8 %hat's to hinder you from $rofitin# by the %ar %hich %ill certainly be declared in a short time a#ainst S$ain= >ou may easily #et on board of a kin#'s shi$ in -uality of sur#eon's mate" %here you %ill certainly see a #reat deal of $ractice" and stand a #ood chance of #ettin# $ri3e/money&7 + laid hold of this declaration" %hich + had lon# %ished for" and assured him + %ould follo% his advice %ith $leasure" if it %ere in my $o%er' but that it %as im$ossible for me to embrace an o$$ortunity of that kind" as + had no friend to advance a little money to su$$ly me %ith %hat necessaries + should %ant" and defray the e*$enses of my )ourney to 1ondon& He told me that fe% necessaries %ere re-uired' and" as for the e*$ense of my )ourney" he %ould lend me money" sufficient not only for that $ur$ose" but also to maintain me comfortably in 1ondon until + should $rocure a %arrant for my $rovision on board of some shi$& + #ave him a thousand thanks for his obli#in# offer 5althou#h + %as very %ell a$$rised of his motive" %hich %as no other than a desi#n to lay the bastard to my char#e after my de$arture6" and accordin#ly set out in a fe% %eeks for 1ondon' my %hole fortune consistin# of one suit of clothes" half a do3en ruffled shirts" as many $lain" t%o $air of %orsted and a like number of threaded stockin#s' a case of $ocket instruments" a small edition of Horace" ,iseman's Sur#ery" and ten #uineas in cash' for %hich !rab took my bond" bearin# five $er cent interest' at the same time #ivin# me a letter to a member of $arliament for our to%n" %hich he said %ould do my business effectually&

!HAPTER ;+++

+ arrive at 4e%castle//meet %ith my old Schoolfello% Stra$//%e determine to %alk to#ether to 1ondon//set out on our :ourney//$ut u$ at a solitary Alehouse//are disturbed by a stran#e Adventure in the 4i#ht There is no such convenience as a %a##on in this country" and my finances %ere too %eak to su$$ort the e*$ense of hirin# a horse( + determined therefore to set out %ith the carriers" %ho trans$ort #oods from one $lace to another on horseback' and this scheme + accordin#ly $ut in e*ecution on the Cst day of Se$tember" C@DE" sittin# u$on a $ack/saddle bet%een t%o baskets" one of %hich contained my #oods in a kna$sack& But by the time %e arrived at 4e%castle/u$on/Tyne + %as so fati#ued %ith the tediousness of the carria#e" and benumbed %ith the coldness of the %eather" that + resolved to travel the rest of my )ourney on foot" rather than $roceed in such a disa#reeable manner& The ostler of the inn at %hich %e $ut u$" understandin# + %as bound for 1ondon" advised me to take my $assa#e in a collier %hich %ould be both chea$ and e*$editious and %ithal much easier than to %alk u$%ards of three hundred miles throu#h dee$ roads in the %inter time" a )ourney %hich he believed + had not stren#th enou#h to $erform& + %as almost $ersuaded to take his advice" %hen one day" ste$$in# into a barber's sho$ to be shaved" the youn# man" %hile he lathered my face" accosted me thus( 7Sir" + $resume you are a Scotchman&7 + ans%ered in the affirmative& 7Pray"7 continued he" 7from %hat $art of Scotland=7 + no sooner told him" than he discovered #reat emotion" and not confinin# his o$eration to my chin and u$$er li$" besmeared my %hole face %ith #reat a#itation& + %as so offended at this $rofusion that startin# u$" + asked him %hat the d//l he meant by usin# me so= He be##ed $ardon" tellin# me his )oy at meetin# %ith a countryman had occasioned some confusion in him" and craved my name& But" %hen + declared my name %as Random" he e*claimed in ra$ture" 7Ho%8 Rory Random=7 7The same"7 + re$lied" lookin# at him %ith astonishment& 7,hat87 cried he" 7don't you kno% your old schoolfello%" Hu#h Stra$=7 At that instant recollectin# his face" + fle% into his arms" and in the trans$ort of my )oy" #ave him back one/half of the suds he had so lavishly besto%ed on my countenance' so that %e made a very ludicrous a$$earance" and furnished a #reat deal of mirth for his master and sho$mates" %ho %ere %itnesses of this scene& ,hen our mutual caresses %ere over + sat do%n a#ain to be shaved" but the $oor fello%'s nerves %ere so discom$osed by this une*$ected meetin# that his hand could scarcely hold the ra3or" %ith %hich" nevertheless" he found means to cut me in three $laces in as many strokes& His master" $erceivin# his disorder" bade another su$$ly his $lace" and after the o$eration %as $erformed" #ave Stra$ leave to $ass the rest of the day %ith me& ,e retired immediately to my lod#in#s" %here" callin# for some beer" + desired to be informed of his adventures" %hich contained nothin# more than that his master dyin# before his time %as out" he had come to 4e%castle about a year a#o" in e*$ectation of

)ourney%ork" alon# %ith three youn# fello%s of his ac-uaintance %ho %orked in the keels' that he had the #ood fortune of bein# em$loyed by a very civil master" %ith %hom he intended to stay till the s$rin#" at %hich time he $ro$osed to #o to 1ondon" %here he did not doubt of findin# encoura#ement& ,hen + communicated to him my situation and desi#n" he did not a$$rove of my takin# a $assa#e by sea" by reason of the dan#er of a %inter voya#e" %hich is very ha3ardous alon# that coast" as %ell as the $recariousness of the %ind" %hich mi#ht $ossibly detain me a #reat %hile" to the no small detriment of my fortune' %hereas" if + %ould venture by land" he %ould bear me com$any" carry my ba##a#e all the %ay" and if %e should be fati#ued before %e could $erform the )ourney it %ould be no hard matter for us to find on the road either return horses or %a##ons" of %hich %e mi#ht take the advanta#e for a very triflin# e*$ense& + %as so ravished at this $ro$osal that + embraced him affectionately" and assured him he mi#ht command my $urse to the last farthin#' but he #ave me to understand he had saved money sufficient to ans%er his o%n occasions' and that he had a friend in 1ondon %ho %ould soon introduce him into business in that ca$ital" and $ossibly have it in his $o%er to serve me also& Havin# concerted the $lan and settled our affairs that ni#ht" %e de$arted ne*t mornin# by daybreak" armed %ith a #ood cud#el each 5my com$anion bein# char#ed %ith the furniture of us both crammed into one kna$sack6" and our money se%ed bet%een the linin#s and %aistbands of our breeches" e*ce$t some loose silver for our immediate e*$enses on the road" ,e travelled all day at a round $ace" but" bein# i#norant of the $ro$er sta#es" %ere beni#hted at a #ood distance from any inn" so that %e %ere com$elled to take u$ our lod#in# at a small hed#e alehouse" that stood on a byroad" about half/a/mile from the hi#h%ay( there %e found a $edlar of our o%n country" in %hose com$any %e re#aled ourselves %ith bacon and e##s" and a #lass of #ood ale" before a comfortable fire" conversin# all the %hile very sociably %ith the landlord and his dau#hter" a hale bu*om lass" %ho entertained us %ith #reat #ood humour" and in %hose affection + %as vain enou#h to believe + had made some $ro#ress& About ei#ht o'clock %e %ere all three" at our o%n desire" sho%n into an a$artment furnished %ith t%o beds" in one of %hich Stra$ and + betook ourselves to rest" and the $edlar occu$ied the other" thou#h not before he had $rayed a considerable time e*tem$ore" searched into every corner of the room" and fastened the door on the inside %ith a stron# iron scre%" %hich he carried about %ith him for that use& + sle$t very sound till midni#ht %hen + %as disturbed by a violent motion of the bed" %hich shook under me %ith a continual tremor& Alarmed at this $henomenon" + )o##ed my com$anion" %hom" to my no small ama3ement" + found drenched in s%eat" and -uakin# throu#h every limb' he told me" %ith a lo% falterin# voice" that %e %ere undone' for there %as a bloody hi#h%ayman" loaded %ith $istols" in the ne*t room' then" biddin# me make as little noise as $ossible" he directed me to a small chink in the board $artition throu#h %hich + could see a thick/set bra%ny fello%" %ith a fierce countenance" sittin# at a table %ith our youn# landlady" havin# a bottle of ale and a brace of $istols before him& + listened %ith #reat attention" and heard him say" in a terrible

tone" 79//n that son of a b//h" Smack& the coachman' he has served me a fine trick" indeed8 but d//ion sei3e me" if + don't make him re$ent it8 +'ll teach the scoundrel to #ive intelli#ence to others %hile he is under articles %ith me&7 Our landlady endeavoured to a$$ease this e*as$erated robber" by sayin# he mi#ht be mistaken in Smack" %ho $erha$s ke$t no corres$ondence %ith the other #entleman that robbed his coach' and that" if an accident had disa$$ointed him to/day" he mi#ht soon find o$$ortunities enou#h to atone for his lost trouble& 7+'ll tell thee %hat" my clear Bet"7 re$lied he" 7+ never had" nor ever shall" %hile my name is Rifle" have such a #lorious booty as + missed to/day& B//s8 there %as ?FAA in cash to recruit men for the kin#'s service" besides the )e%els" %atches" s%ords" and money belon#in# to the $assen#ers& Had it been my fortune to have #ot clear off %ith so much treasure" + %ould have $urchased a commission in the army" and made you an officer's lady" you )ade" + %ould&7 7,ell" %ell"7 cries Betty" 7%e must trust to Providence for that& But did you find nothin# %orth takin# %hich esca$ed the other #entlemen of the road=7 74ot much" faith"7 said the lover' 7+ #leaned a fe% thin#s" such as a $air of $o$s" silver mounted 5here they are6( + took them loaded from the ca$tain %ho had the char#e of the money" to#ether %ith a #old %atch %hich he had concealed in his breeches& + like%ise found ten Portu#al $ieces in the shoes of a -uaker" %hom the s$irit moved to revile me %ith #reat bitterness and devotion' but %hat + value myself mostly for is" this here $urchase" a #old snuffbo*" my #irl" %ith a $icture on the inside of the lid' %hich + untied out of the tail of a $retty lady's smock&7 Here" as the devil %ould have it" the $edlar snored so loud" that the hi#h%ayman" snatchin# his $istols" started u$" cryin#" 7Hell and d/n/n8 + am betrayed8 ,ho's that in the ne*t room=7 0rs& Betty told him he need not be uneasy( there %ere only three $oor travellers" %ho" missin# the road" had taken u$ their lod#in#s in the house" and %ere aslee$ lon# a#o& 7Travellers"7 says he" 7s$ies" you b//ch8 But no matter' +'ll send them all to hell in an instant87 He accordin#ly ran to%ards our door' %hen his s%eetheart inter$osin#" assured him" there %as only a cou$le of $oor youn# Scotchmen" %ho %ere too ra% and i#norant to #ive him the least cause of sus$icion' and the third %as a $resbyterian $edlar of the same nation" %ho had often lod#ed in the house before& This declaration satisfied the thief" %ho s%ore he %as #lad there %as a $edlar" for he %anted some linen& Then" in a )ovial manner" he $ut about the #lass" min#lin# his discourse to Betty %ith caresses and familiarities" that s$oke him very ha$$y in his amours& 9urin# that $art of the conversation %hich re#arded this" Stra$ had cre$t under the bed" %here he lay in the a#onies of fear' so that it %as %ith #reat difficulty + $ersuaded him our dan#er %as over" and $revailed on him to a%ake the $edlar" and inform him of %hat he had seen and heard& The itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shakin# him by the shoulder" than he started u$" called" as loud as he could" 7Thieves" thieves8 1ord have mercy u$on us87 And Rifle" alarmed at this e*clamation" )um$ed u$" cocked one of his $istols" and turned to%ards the door to kill the first man that should enter' for he verily believed himself beset( %hen his 9ulcinea" after an immoderate fit of lau#hter" $ersuaded him that the $oor $edlar" dreamin# of

thieves" had only cried out in his slee$& 0ean%hile" my comrade had undeceived our fello%/lod#er" and informed him of his reason for disturbin# him' u$on %hich" #ettin# u$ softly" he $ee$ed throu#h the hole" and %as so terrified %ith %hat he sa%" that" fallin# do%n on his bare knees" he $ut u$ a lon# $etition to Heaven to deliver him from the hands of that ruffian" and $romised never to defraud a customer for the future of the value of a $in's $oint" $rovided he mi#ht be rescued from the $resent dan#er& ,hether or not his disburthenin# his conscience afforded him any ease + kne% not" but he sli$$ed into bed a#ain" and lay very -uiet until the robber and his mistress %ere aslee$" and snored in concert' then" risin# softly" he untied a ro$e that %as round his $ack" %hich makin# fast to one end of it" he o$ened the %indo% %ith as little noise as $ossible" and lo%ered his #oods into the yard %ith #reat de*terity( then he moved #ently to our bedside and bade us fare%ell" tellin# us that" as %e ran no risk %e mi#ht take our rest %ith #reat confidence" and in the mornin# assure the landlord that %e kne% nothin# of his esca$e" and" lastly" shakin# us by the hands" and %ishin# us all manner of success" he let himself dro$ from the %indo% %ithout any dan#er" for the #round %as not above a yard from his feet as he hun# on the outside& Althou#h + did not think $ro$er to accom$any him in his fli#ht" + %as not at all free from a$$rehension %hen + reflected on %hat mi#ht be the effect of the hi#h%ayman's disa$$ointment' as he certainly intended to make free %ith the $edlar's %are& 4either %as my com$anion at more ease in his mind& but on the contrary" so $ossessed %ith the dreadful idea of Rifle" that he solicited me stron#ly to follo% our countryman's e*am$le" and so elude the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer" %ho %ould certainly %reak his ven#eance on us as accom$lices of the $edlar's elo$ement& But + re$resented to him the dan#er of #ivin# Rifle cause to think %e kno% his $rofession" and su##ested that" if ever he should meet us a#ain on the road" he %ould look u$on us as dan#erous ac-uaintance" and find it his interest to $ut us out of the %ay& + told him" %ithal" my confidence in Betty's #ood nature" in %hich he ac-uiesced' and durin# the remainin# $art of the ni#ht %e concerted a $ro$er method of behaviour" to render us unsus$ected in the mornin#& +t %as no sooner day than Betty" enterin# our chamber" and $erceivin# our %indo% o$en" cried out" 7Odds/bobs8 sure you Scotchmen must have hot constitutions to lie all ni#ht %ith the %indo% o$en in such cold %eather&7 + fei#ned to start out of slee$" and" %ithdra%in# the curtain" called" 7,hat's the matter=7 ,hen she sho%ed me" + affected sur$rise" and said" 7Bless me8 the %indo% %as shut %hen %e %ent to bed&7 7+'ll be han#ed" said she" 7if Sa%ney ,addle" the $edlar" has not #ot u$ in a dream and done it" for + heard him very obstro$ulous in his slee$" Sure + $ut a chamber$ot under his bed8 ,ith these %ords she advanced to the bed" in %hich he lay" and" findin# the sheets cold" e*claimed" 72ood lackadaisy8 The ro#ue is fled&7 7 led"7 cried +" %ith fei#ned ama3ement" 72od forbid8 Sure he has not robbed us87 Then" s$rin#in# u$" + laid hold of my breeches" and em$tied all my loose money into my hand' %hich havin# reckoned" + said" 7Heaven be $raised" our money is all safe8 Stra$" look to the kna$sack&7 He did so" and found all %as ri#ht& U$on %hich %e asked" %ith seemin# concern" if he had stolen nothin# belon#in# to the house& 74o" no"7 re$lied she" 7he has stole nothin#

but his reckonin#'7 %hich" it seems" this $ious $edlar had for#ot to dischar#e in the midst of his devotion& Betty" after a moment's $ause %ithdre%" and immediately %e could hear her %aken Rifle" %ho no sooner heard of ,addle's fli#ht than he )um$ed out of bed and dressed" ventin# a thousand e*ecrations" and vo%in# to murder the $edlar if ever he should set eyes on him a#ain( 7 or"7 said he 7the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue and cry a#ainst me&7 Havin# dressed himself in a hurry" he mounted his horse" and for that time rid us of his com$any and a thousand fears that %ere the conse-uence of it& ,hile %e %ere at breakfast" Betty endeavoured" by all the cunnin# she %as mistress of" to learn %hether or no %e sus$ected our fello%/lod#er" %hom %e sa% take horse' but" as %e %ere on our #uard" %e ans%ered her sly -uestions %ith a sim$licity she could not distrust' %hen" all of a sudden" %e heard the tram$lin# of a horse's feet at the door& This noise alarmed Stra$ so much" %hose ima#ination %as %holly en#rossed by the ima#e of Rifle" that" %ith a countenance as $ale as milk" he cried" 7O 1ord8 there is the hi#h%ayman returned87 Our landlady" starin# at these %ords" said" 7,hat hi#h%ayman" youn# man= 9o you think any hi#h%aymen harbour here=7 Thou#h + %as very much disconcerted at this $iece of indiscretion in Stra$" + had $resence of mind enou#h to tell her %e had met a horseman the day before" %hom Stra$ had foolishly su$$osed to be a hi#h%ayman" because he rode %ith $istols' and that he had been terrified at the sound of a horse's feet ever since& She forced a smile at the i#norance and timidity of my comrade' but + could $erceive" not %ithout #reat concern" that this account %as not at all satisfactory to her& !HAPTER +. ,e $roceed on our :ourney//are overtaken by a Hi#h%ayman %ho fires at Stra$//is $revented from shootin# me by a !om$any of Horsemen" %ho ride in $ursuit of him//Stra$ is $ut to Bed at an +nn//Adventures at that +nn After havin# $aid our score and taken leave of our hostess" %ho embraced me tenderly at $artin#" %e $roceeded on our )ourney" blessin# ourselves that %e had come off so %ell& ,e bad not %alked above five miles" %hen %e observed a man on horseback #allo$in# after us" %hom %e in a short time reco#nised to be no other than this formidable hero %ho had already #iven us so much ve*ation& He sto$$ed hard by me" and asked if + kne% %ho he %as= 0y astonishment had disconcerted me so much that + did not hear his -uestion" %hich he re$eated %ith a volley of oaths and threats' but + remained as mute as before& Stra$" seein# my discom$osure" fell u$on his knees in the mud" utterin#" %ith a lamentable voice" these %ords( 7 or !hrist's sake" have mercy u$on us" 0r& Rifle8 %e kno% you very %ell&7 7Oho87 cried

the thief" 7you do8 But you never shall be evidence a#ainst me in this %orld" you do#87 So sayin#" he dre% a $istol" and fired it at the unfortunate shaver" %ho fell flat u$on the #round %ithout s$eakin# one %ord& 0y comrade's fate and my o%n situation riveted me to the $lace %here + stood" de$rived of all sense and reflection' so that + did not make the least attem$t either to run a%ay or de$recate the %rath of this barbarian" %ho sna$$ed a second $istol at me' but" before he had time to $rime a#ain" $erceivin# a com$any of horsemen comin# u$" he rode off" and left me standin# motionless as a statue" in %hich $osture + %as found by those %hose a$$earance had saved my life& This com$any consisted of three men in livery" %ell armed" %ith an officer" %ho 5as + after%ards learned"6 %as the $erson from %hom Rifle had taken the $ocket $istols the day before' and %ho" makin# kno%n his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road" and assurin# him his non/resistance %as alto#ether o%in# to his consideration for the ladies in the coach" $rocured the assistance of his lordshi$'s servants to #o in -uest of the $lunderer& This holiday ca$tain scam$ered u$ to me %ith #reat address" and asked %ho fired the $istol %hich he had heard& As + had not yet recovered my reason" he" before + could ans%er" observed a body lyin# on the #round" at %hich si#ht his colour chan#ed" and he $ronounced" %ith a falterin# ton#ue" 72entlemen" here's murder committed8 1et us ali#ht&7 74o" no"7 said one of his follo%ers" 7let us rather $ursue the murderer& ,hich %ay %ent he" youn# man=7 By this time + had recollected myself so far as to tell them that he could not be a -uarter of a mile before' and to be# one of them to assist me in conveyin# the cor$se of my friend to the ne*t house" in order to it bein# interred& The ca$tain" foreseein# that" in case he should $ursue" he must soon come to action" be#an to curb his horse" and #ave him the s$ur at the same time" %hich treatment makin# the creature rear u$ and snort" he called out" his horse %as fri#htened" and %ould not $roceed' at the same time %heelin# him round and round" strokin# his neck" %histlin# and %heedlin# him %ith 7Sirrah" sirrah//#ently" #ently&7 etc& 7B//ds87" cried one of the servants" 7sure my lord's Sorrel is not resty87 ,ith these %ords he besto%ed a lash on his buttocks" and Sorrel" disdainin# the rein s$ran# for%ard %ith the ca$tain at a $ace that %ould have soon brou#ht him u$ %ith the robber" had not the #irtle 5ha$$ily for him6 #iven %ay" by %hich means he landed in the dirt' and t%o of his attendants continued their $ursuit" %ithout mindin# his situation& 0ean%hile one of the three %ho remained at my desire" turnin# the body of Stra$" in order to see the %ound %hich had killed him" found him still %arm and breathin#( u$on %hich" + immediately let him blood" and sa% him" %ith ine*$ressible )oy" recover' he havin# received no other %ound than %hat his fear had inflicted& Havin# raised him u$on his le#s" %e %alked to#ether to an inn" about half a mile from the $lace" %here Stra$" %ho %as not -uite recovered" %ent to bed' and in a little time the third servant returned %ith the ca$tain's horse and furniture" leavin# him to cra%l after as %ell as he could& This #entleman of the s%ord" u$on his arrival" com$lained #rievously of the bruise occasioned by his fall' and" on the recommendation

of the servant" %ho %arranted my ability" + %as em$loyed to bleed him" for %hich service he re%arded me %ith half/a/cro%n& The time bet%een this event and dinner + $assed in observin# a #ame at cards bet%een t%o farmers" an e*ciseman" and a youn# fello% in a rusty #o%n and cassock" %ho" as + after%ards understood" %as curate of a nei#hbourin# $arish& +t %as easy to $erceive that the match %as not e-ual' and that the t%o farmers" %ho %ere $artners" had to do %ith a cou$le of shar$ers" %ho stri$$ed them of all their cash in a very short time& But %hat sur$rised me very mach" %as to hear this cler#yman re$ly to one of the countrymen" %ho seemed to sus$ect foul $lay" in these %ords( 79//n me" friend" d'ye -uestion my honour=7 + did not at all %onder to find a cheat in canonicals" this bein# a character fre-uent in my o%n country' but + %as scandalised at the indecency of his behaviour" %hich a$$eared in the oaths he s%ore" and the ba%dy son#s %hich he sun#& At last" to make amends in some sort" for the dama#e he had done to the un%ary boors" he $ulled out a fiddle from the linin# of his #o%n" and" $romisin# to treat them at dinner" be#an to $lay most melodiously" sin#in# in concert all the %hile& This #ood humour of this $arson ins$ired the com$any %ith so much #lee that the farmers soon for#ot their losses" and all $resent %ent to dancin# in the yard& ,hile %e %ere a#reeably amused in this manner" our musician" s$yin# a horseman a ridin# to%ards the inn" sto$$ed all of a sudden" cryin# out" 72ad so8 #entlemen" + be# your $ardon" there's our do# of a doctor comin# into the inn&7 He immediately commended his instrument" and ran to%ards the #ate" %here he took hold of the vicar's bridle" and hel$ed him off" in-uirin# very cordially into the state of his health& This rosy son of the church" %ho mi#ht be about the a#e of fifty& havin# ali#hted and entrusted the curate %ith his horse" stalked %ith #reat solemnity" into the kitchen" %here sittin# do%n by the fire" he called for a bottle of ale and a $i$e' scarce dei#nin# an ans%er to the submissive -uestions of those %ho in-uired about the %elfare of his family& ,hile he indul#ed himself in this state" amidst a $rofound silence" the curate" a$$roachin# him %ith #reat reverence" asked him if he %ould not be $leased to honour him %ith his com$any at dinner= To %hich interro#ation he ans%ered in the ne#ative" sayin#" he had been to visit S-uire Bum$kin" %ho had drank himself into a hi#h fever at the last assi3es' and that he had" on leavin# his o%n house" told Betty he should dine at home& Accordin#ly %here be had made an end of his bottle and $i$e" he rose" and moved %ith $relatical di#nity to the door" %here his )ourneyman stood ready %ith his na#& He had no sooner mounted than the facetious curate" comin# into the kitchen" held forth in this manner( 7There the old rascal #oes" and the d//l #o %ith him& >ou see ho% the %orld %a#s" #entlemen& By #ad" this ro#ue of a vicar does not deserve to live' and yet he has t%o livin#s %orth four hundred $ounds $er annum" %hile $oor + am fain to do all his drud#ery" and ride t%enty miles every Sunday to $reach//for %hat= %hy" truly" for t%enty $ounds a year& + scorn to boast of my o%n -ualifications but//com$arisons are odious& + should be #lad to kno% ho% this %a#/bellied doctor deserves to be more at ease than me& He can loll in his elbo% chair at home" indul#e himself in the best of victuals and %ine and en)oy the conversation of Betty" his housekee$er& >ou

understand me" #entlemen& Betty is the doctor's $oor kins%oman" and a $retty #irl she is' but no matter for that' ay" and dutiful #irl to her $arents" %hom she visits re#ularly every year" thou#h + must o%n + could never learn in %hat county they live" 0y service t'ye" #entlemen&7 By this time dinner bein# ready" + %aked my com$anion" and %e ate alto#ether %ith #reat cheerfulness& ,hen our meal %as ended" and every man's share of the reckonin# ad)usted" the curate %ent out on $retence of some necessary occasion" and" mountin# his house" left the t%o farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they could& ,e %ere no sooner informed of this $iece of finesse" than the e*ciseman" %ho had been silent hitherto" be#an to o$en %ith a malicious #rin( 7Ay" ay this is an old trick of Shuffle' + could not hel$ smilin# %hen he talked of treatin#& >on must kno% this is a very curious fello%& He $icked u$ some scra$s of learnin# %hile he served youn# 1ord Trifte at the university& But %hat he most e*cels in is $im$in#& 4o one kno%s his talents better than +" for + %as valet/de/chambre to S-uire Tattle an intimate com$anion of Shuffle's lord& He #ot him self into a scra$e by $a%nin# some of his lordshi$'s clothes on %hich account he %as turned a%ay' but" as he %as ac-uainted %ith some $articular circumstances of my lord's conduct" he did not care to e*as$erate him too much" and so made interest for his receivin# orders" and after%ards recommended him to the curacy %hich he no% en)oys& Ho%ever" the fello% cannot be too much admired for his de*terity in makin# a comfortable livelihood" in s$ite of such a small allo%ance& >ou hear he $lays a #ood stick" and is really divertin# com$any' these -ualifications make him a#reeable %herever he #oes' and" as for $layin# at cards there is not a man %ithin three counties for him& The truth is" he is a d//able cheat" and can shift a card %ith such address that it is im$ossible to discover him&7 Here he %as interru$ted by one of the farmers" %ho asked" %hy he had not )ustice enou#h to ac-uaint them %ith these $articulars before they en#a#ed in $lay& The e*ciseman re$lied" %ithout any hesitation" that it %as none of his business to intermeddle bet%een man and man' besides" he did not kno% they %ere i#norant of Shuffle's character" %hich %as notorious to the %hole country& This did not satisfy the other" %ho ta*ed him %ith abettin# and assistin# the curate's knavery" and insisted on havin# his share of the %innin#s returned' this demand the e*ciseman as $ositively refused affirmin# that" %hatever slei#hts Shuffle mi#ht $ractise on other occasions" he %as very certain that he had $layed on the s-uare %ith them" and %ould ans%er it before any bench in !hristendom' so sayin#" he #ot u$ and" havin# $aid his reckonin#" sneaked off& The 1andlord" thrustin# his neck into the $assa#e to see if he %as #one" shook his head" sayin#" 7Ah8 1ord hel$ us8 if every sinner %as to have his deserts& ,ell" %e victuallers must not disobli#e the e*cisemen& But + kno% %hat' if $arson Shuffle and he %ere %ei#hed to#ether" a stra% thro%n into either scale %ould make the balance kick the beam& But" masters" this is under the rose"7 continued Boniface %ith a %his$er&

!HAPTER .

The Hi#h%ayman is taken//%e are detained as Evidence a#ainst him//$roceed to the ne*t villa#e//he esca$es//%e arrive at another inn" %here %e #o to Bed//in the 4i#ht %e are a%aked by a dreadful Adventure/ne*t ni#ht %e lod#e at the house of a Schoolmaster//our Treatment there Stra$ and + %ere about to de$art on our )ourney" %hen %e $erceived a cro%d on the road comin# to%ards us" shoutin# and hallooin# all the %ay& As it a$$roached" %e could discern a man on horseback in the middle" %ith his hands tied behind him" %hom %e soon kne% to be Rifle& The hi#h%ayman" not bein# so %ell mounted as the t%o servants %ho %ent in $ursuit of him" %as soon overtaken" and" after havin# dischar#ed his $istols" made $risoner %ithout any further o$$osition& They %ere carryin# him in trium$h" amidst the acclamations of the country $eo$le" to a )ustice of $eace in a nei#hbourin# villa#e" but sto$$ed at our inn to )oin their com$anions and take refreshment& ,hen Rifle %as dismounted and $laced in the yard" %ithin a circle of $easants" armed %ith $itchforks" + %as ama3ed to see %hat a $itiful de)ected fello% he no% a$$eared" %ho had but a fe% hours before filled me %ith such terror and confusion& 0y com$anion %as so much encoura#ed by this alteration in his a$$earance that" #oin# u$ to the thief" he $resented his clenched fists to his nose" and declared he %ould either cud#el or bo* %ith the $risoner for a #uinea" %hich he immediately $roduced" and be#an to stri$" but %as dissuaded from this adventure by me" %ho re$resented to him the folly of the undertakin#" as Rifle %as no% in the hands of )ustice" %hich %ould" no doubt" #ive us all satisfaction enou#h& But %hat made me re$ent of our im$ertinent curiosity %as our bein# detained by the ca$tors" as evidence a#ainst him" %hen %e %ere )ust #oin# to set for%ard& Ho%ever" there %as no remedy' %e %ere obli#ed to com$ly" and accordin#ly )oined in the cavalcade" %hich luckily took the same road that %e had $ro$osed to follo%& Abort the t%ili#ht %e arrived at the $lace of our destination" but as the )ustice %as #one to visit a #entleman in the country& %ith %hom 5%e understood6 he %ould $robably stay all ni#ht" the robber %as confined in an em$ty #arret" three stories hi#h" from %hich it seemed im$ossible for him to esca$e' this" nevertheless" %as the case' for ne*t mornin# %hen they %ent u$ stairs to brin# him before the )ustice" the bird %as flo%n" havin# #ot out at the %indo% u$on the roof from %hence he continued his route alon# the to$s of the ad)oinin# houses" and entered another #arret %here he skulked until the family %ere aslee$& at %hich time he ventured do%n stairs" and let himself out by the street/door" %hich %as o$en& This event %as a #reat disa$$ointment to those that a$$rehended him" %ho %ere flushed %ith the ho$es of the re%ard' but #ave me #reat )oy" as + %as $ermitted no% to continue my )ourney" %ithout any further molestation& Resolvin# to make u$ for the small $ro#ress %e had hitherto made" %e this day travelled %ith #reat vi#our and before ni#ht reached a market to%n& t%enty miles from the $lace

from %hence %e set out in the mornin#" %ithout meetin# any adventure %orth notice& Here havin# taken u$ our lod#in# at an in" + found myself so fati#ued that + be#an to des$air of $erformin# our )ourney on foot" and desired Stra$ to in-uire if there %ere any %a##on" return horses" or any chea$ carria#e in this $lace" to de$art for 1ondon ne*t day& He %as informed that the %a##on from 4e%castle to 1ondon had halted there t%o ni#hts a#o" and that it %ould be an easy matter to overtake it" if not the ne*t day" at farthest" the day after the ne*t& This $iece of ne%s #ave us some satisfaction' and" after havin# made a hearty su$$er on hashed mutton" %e %ere sho%n to our room" %hich contained t%o beds" the one allotted for us" and the other for a very honest #entleman" %ho" %e %ere told" %as then drinkin# belo%& Thou#h %e could have very %ell dis$ensed %ith his com$any" %e %ere #lad to submit to this dis$osition" as there %as not another bed em$ty in the house' and accordin#ly %ent to rest" after havin# secured our ba##a#e under the bolster& About t%o or three o'clock in the mornin# + %as a%aked out of a very $rofound slee$ by a dreadful noise in the chamber" %hich did not fail to thro% me into an a#ony of consternation" %hen + heard these %ords $ronounced %ith a terrible voice( 7Blood and %ounds8 run the halbert into the #uts of him that's ne*t you" and +'ll blo% the other's brains out $resently&7 This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Stra$ than" startin# out of bed" he ran a#ainst somebody in the dark" and overturned him in an instant' at the same time ba%lin# out" 7 ire8 murder8 fire87 a cry %hich in a moment alarmed the %hole house" and filled our chamber %ith a cro%d of naked $eo$le& ,hen li#hts %ere brou#ht" the occasion of all this disturbance soon a$$eared' %hich %as no other than a fello% lod#er" %hom %e found lyin# on the floor" scratchin# his head" %ith a look testifyin# the utmost astonishment at the concourse of a$$aritions that surrounded him& This honest #entleman %as" it seems" a recruitin# ser#eant" %ho" havin# listed t%o country fello%s over ni#ht" dreaded they had mutinied" and threatened to murder him and the drummer %ho %as alon# %ith him& This made such an im$ression on his ima#ination" that he #ot u$ in his slee$ and e*$ressed himself as above& ,hen our a$$rehension of dan#er vanished" the com$any beheld one another %ith #reat sur$rise and mirth' but %hat attracted the notice of everyone %as our landlady" %ith nothin# on her but her shift and a lar#e $air of buckskin breeches" %ith the backside before" %hich she had sli$$ed on in the hurry" and her husband %ith her $etticoat about his shoulders' one had %ra$$ed himself in a blanket" another %as covered %ith a sheet" and the drummer" %ho had #iven his only shirt to be %ashed" a$$eared in cuer$o %ith a bolster rolled about his middle& ,hen this affair %as discussed" everybody retired to his o%n a$artment" the ser#eant sli$$ed into bed" and my com$anion and + sle$t %ithout any further disturbance till mornin#" %hen %e #ot u$" %ent to breakfast" $aid our reckonin#" and set for%ard in e*$ectation of overtakin# the %a##on' in %hich ho$e" ho%ever" %e %ere disa$$ointed for that day& As %e e*erted ourselves more than usual" + found myself -uite s$ent %ith fati#ue" %hen %e entered a small villa#e in the t%ili#ht& ,e in-uired for a $ublic/house" and %ere directed to one of a very sorry a$$earance& At our entrance the landlord" %ho seemed to be a venerable old man" %ith lon# #ray hair" rose from a table $laced by a lar#e fire in a very neat $aved kitchen"

and %ith a cheerful countenance accosted us in these %ords( 7Salvete" $ueri& +n#redimini&7 + %as not a little $leased to hear our host s$eak 1atin" because + %as in ho$e of recommendin# myself to him by my kno%led#e in that lan#ua#e' + therefore ans%ered" %ithout hesitation" 79issolve fri#us" li#na su$er foco//lar#e re$onens&7 + had no sooner $ronounced these %ords" than the old #entleman" runnin# to%ards me" shook me by the hand" cryin#" 7 ili mi dilectissime8 unde venis=//a su$eris" ni fallor=7 +n short" findin# %e %ere both read in the classics" he did not kno% ho% to testify his re#ard enou#h' but ordered his dau#hter" a )olly rosy/cheeked damsel %ho %as his sole domestic" to brin# us a bottle of his -uadrimum" re$eatin# from Horace at the same time" 79e$rome -uadrimum sabina" O Tholiarche" merum diota&7 This %as e*cellent ale of his o%n bre%in#" of %hich he told us he had al%ays an am$hora four years old" for the use of himself and friends& +n the course of our conversation" %hich %as interlarded %ith scra$s of 1atin" %e understood that this facetious $erson %as a schoolmaster" %hose income bein# small" he %as fain to kee$ a #lass of #ood li-uor for the entertainment of $assen#ers by %hich he made shift to make the t%o ends of the year meet& 7+ am this day"7 said he" 7the ha$$iest old fello% in his ma)esty's dominions& 0y %ife" rest her soul" is in heaven& 0y dau#hter is to be married ne*t %eek' but the t%o chief $leasures of my life are these 5$ointin# to the bottle and a lar#e edition of Horace that lay on the table6& + am old" 'tis true//%hat then= the more reason + should en)oy the small share of life that remains" as my friend laccus advises( 'Tu ne -uaesieris 5scire nefas6 -uem mihi" -uem tibi finem dii dederint& !ar$e diem" -uam minimum credula $ostero&'7 As he %as very in-uisitive about our affairs" %e made no scru$le of ac-uaintin# him %ith our situation" %hich %hen he had learned" he enriched us %ith advices ho% to behave in the %orld" tellin# us that he %as no stran#er to the deceits of mankind& +n the meantime he ordered his dau#hter to lay a fo%l to the fire for su$$er" for he %as resolved this ni#ht to re#ale his friends//$ermittens divis caetera& ,hile our entertainment %as $re$arin#" our host recounted the adventures of his o%n life" %hich" as they contained nothin# remarkable" + forbear to rehearse& ,hen %e had fared sum$tuously" and drunk several bottles of his + e*$ressed a desire of #oin# to rest" %hich %as %ith some difficulty com$lied %ith" after he had informed us that %e should overtake the %a##on by noon ne*t day' and that there %as room enou#h in it for half/a/do3en" for there %ere only four $assen#ers as yet in that convenience& Before my comrade and + fell aslee$" %e had some conversation about the #ood humour of our landlord" %hich #ave Stra$ such an idea of his benevolence" that he $ositively believed %e should $ay nothin# for our lod#in# and entertainment& 79on't you observe"7 said he" 7that he has conceived a $articular affection for us//nay" even treated us at su$$er %ith e*traordinary fare" %hich" to be sure" %e should not of ourselves have called for=7 + %as $artly of Stra$'s o$inion' but the e*$erience + had of the %orld made me sus$end my belief till the mornin#" %hen" #ettin# u$ betimes" %e breakfasted %ith our host and his dau#hter on hasty/$uddin# and ale" and desired to kno% %hat %e had to $ay& 7Biddy %ill let you kno%" #entlemen"7 said he' 7for + never mind these matters& 0oney matters are beneath the concern of one %ho lives u$on the Horatian

$lan//!rescentum se-uitur cura $ecuniam&7 0ean%hile" Biddy" havin# consulted a slate that hun# in the corner" told us our reckonin# came to Gs& @d& 7Ei#ht shillin#s and seven $ence87 cried Stra$" 7'tis im$ossible8 you must be mistaken" youn# %oman&7 7Reckon a#ain" child"7 says her father" very deliberately' 7$erha$s you have miscounted&7 74o" indeed"7 re$lied she" 7+ kno% my business better&7 + could contain my indi#nation no lon#er" but said it %as an unconscionable bill" and demanded to kno% the $articulars' u$on %hich the old man #ot u$" mutterin#" 7Ay" ay" let us see the $articulars//that's but reasonable&7 And" takin# $en" ink" and $a$er" %rote the follo%in# items( To bread and beer AH To a fo%l and sausa#es IH To four bottles of -uadrim& I A To fire and tobacco A@ To lod#in# IA To breakfast CA //// G@ As he had not the a$$earance of a common $ublican" and had raised a sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the $recedin# ni#ht" it %as not in my $o%er to u$braid him as he deserved' therefore" + contented myself %ith sayin# + %as sure he did not learn to be an e*tortioner from Horace& He ans%ered" + %as but a youn# man and did not kno% the %orld" or + %ould not ta* him %ith e*tortion" %hose only aim %as to live contentus $arvo" and kee$ off im$ortuna $au$eries& 0y fello% traveller could not so easily $ut u$ %ith this im$osition' but s%ore he should either take one/third of the money or #o %ithout& ,hile %e %ere en#a#ed in this dis$ute" + $erceived the dau#hter #o out" and" con)ecturin# the occasion" immediately $aid the e*orbitant demand" %hich %as no sooner done than Biddy returned %ith t%o stout fello%s" %ho came in on $retence of takin# their mornin# drau#ht" but in reality to fri#hten us into com$liance& :ust as %e de$arted" Stra$" %ho %as half/distracted on account of this $iece of e*$ense" %ent u$ to the schoolmaster" and" #rinnin# in his face" $ronounced %ith #reat em$hasis//7Sem$er avarus e#et&7 To %hich the $edant re$lied" %ith a malicious smile//7Animum re#e" -ui" nisi $aret" im$erat&7

!HAPTER .+

,e descry the ,a##on//#et into it//arrive at an inn//our ello% Travellers described//a 0istake is committed by Stra$" %hich $roduces stran#e thin#s ,e travelled half/a/mile %ithout e*chan#in# one %ord' my thou#hts bein# en#rossed by the knavery of the %orld" to %hich + must be daily e*$osed" and the contem$lation of my finances" %hich be#an sensibly to diminish& At len#th" Stra$" %ho could hold no lon#er"

addressed me thus( 7,ell" fools and their money are soon $arted& +f my advice had been taken" that old skin/flint should have been d//n'd before he had #ot more than the third of his demand& 'Tis a sure si#n you came easily by your money" %hen you s-uander it a%ay in this manner& Ah8 2od hel$ you" ho% many bristly beards must + have mo%ed before + earned four shillin#s and three$ence/half$enny" %hich is all thro%n to the do#s8 Ho% many days have + sat %eavin# hair till my toes %ere numbed by the cold" my fin#ers cram$ed" and my nose as blue as the si#n of the $eri%i# that hun# over the door8 ,hat the devil %as you afraid of= + %ould have en#a#ed to bo* %ith any one of those fello%s %ho came in for a #uinea//+'m sure//+ have beat stouter men than either of them&7 And" indeed" my com$anion %ould have fou#ht anybody %hen his life %as in no dan#er' but he had a mortal aversion to fire/arms and all instruments of death& +n order to a$$ease him" + assured him no $art of this e*traordinary e*$ense should fall u$on his shoulders' at %hich declaration he %as affronted" and told me he %ould have me to kno% that" althou#h he %as a $oor barber's boy" yet he had a soul to s$end bi# money %ith the best s-uire of the land& Havin# %alked all day at a #reat $ace" %ithout haltin# for a refreshment" %e descried" to%ard the evenin#" to our ine*$ressible )oy" the %a##on about a -uarter of a mile before us' and" by that time %e reached it" %ere both of us so %eary that + verily believe it %ould have been im$racticable for us to have %alked one mile farther& ,e" therefore" bar#ained %ith the driver" %hose name %as :oey" to #ive us a cast to the ne*t sta#e for a shillin#' at %hich $lace %e should meet the master of the %a##on" %ith %hom %e mi#ht a#ree for the rest of the )ourney& Accordin#ly the convenience sto$$ed" and :oey havin# $laced the ladder" Stra$ 5bein# loaded %ith our ba##a#e6 mounted first' but" )ust as he %as #ettin# in" a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these %ords( 72od's fury8 there shall no $assen#ers come here&7 The $oor shaver %as so disconcerted at this e*clamation" %hich both he and + ima#ined $roceeded from the mouth of a #iant" that he descended %ith #reat velocity and a countenance as %hite as $a$er& :oey" $erceivin# our astonishment" called" %ith an arch sneer" 7,aunds" co$tain" %hay %oant yau sooffer the $oor %a##oneer to meake a $enny= !oom" coom" youn# man" #et oo$" #et oo$" never moind the co$tain' +'se not afeard of the co$tain&7 This %as not encoura#ement sufficient to Stra$" %ho could not be $revailed u$on to venture u$ a#ain' u$on %hich + attem$ted" thou#h not %ithout a -uakin# heart" %hen + heard the same voice mutterin#" like distant thunder//7Hell and the devil confound me" if + don't make you smart for this87 Ho%ever" + cre$t in" and by accident #ot an em$ty $lace in the stra%" %hich + immediately took $ossession of" %ithout bein# able to discern the faces of my fello%/travellers in the dark& Stra$ follo%in#" %ith the kna$sack on his back" chanced to take the other side" and" by a )olt of the carria#e" $itched directly u$on the stomach of the ca$tain" %ho bello%ed out" in a most dreadful manner" 7Blood and thunder8 %here's my s%ord=7 At these %ords my fri#hted comrade started u$" and" at one s$rin#" bounced a#ainst me %ith such force that + thou#ht he %as the su$$osed son of Anak" %ho intended to $ress me to death& +n the meantime a female voice cried" 7Bless me8 %hat is the matter" my dear=7 7The matter"7 re$lied the ca$tain" 7d//n my blood8 my #uts are s-uee3ed into a $ancake by that Scotchman's hum$&7 Stra$" tremblin# all the

%hile at my back" asked him $ardon" and laid the blame of %hat had ha$$ened u$on the )oltin# of the %a##on' and the %oman %ho s$oke before %ent on( 7Ay" ay" my dear" it is our o%n fault' %e may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences %e meet %ith& + thank 2od + never travelled so before& + am sure if my lady or Sir :ohn %ere to kno% %here %e are they %ould not slee$ this ni#ht for ve*ation& + %ish to 2od %e had %rit for the chariot' + kno% %e shall never be for#iven&7 7!ome" come" my dear"7 re$lied the ca$tain" 7it don't si#nify frettin# no%' %e shall lau#h it over as a frolic' + ho$e you %ill not suffer in your health& + shall make my lord very merry %ith our adventures in this dili#ence&7 The discourse #ave me such a hi#h notion of the ca$tain and his lady that + durst not venture to )oin in the conversation' but immediately after another female voice be#an( 7Some $eo$le #ive themselves a #reat many needless airs' better folks than any here have travelled in %a##ons before no%& Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots" %ith three footmen behind them" %ithout makin# so much fuss about it& ,hat then= ,e are no% all u$on a footin#' therefore let us be sociable and merry& ,hat do you say" +saac= +s not this a #ood motion" you dotin# ro#ue= S$eak" you old cent $er cent fornicator= ,hat des$erate debt are you thinkin# of= ,hat mort#a#e are you $lannin#= ,ell" +saac" $ositively you shall never #ain my favour till you turn over a ne% leaf" #ro% honest" and live like a #entleman& +n the meantime #ive me a kiss" you old fumbler&7 These %ords" accom$anied %ith a hearty smack" enlivened the $erson to %hom they %ere addressed to such a de#ree that he cried" in trans$ort" thou#h %ith a falterin# voice" 7Ah8 you %anton ba##a#e//u$on my credit" you are a %a##ish #irl//he" he" he87 This lau#h introduced a fit of cou#hin#" %hich almost suffocated the $oor usurer 5such %e after%ards found %as the $rofession of this our fello%/traveller6& About this time + fell aslee$" and en)oyed a comfortable na$ till such time as %e arrived at the inn %here %e $ut u$& Here" havin# ali#hted from the %a##on" + had an o$$ortunity of vie%in# the $assen#ers in order as they entered& The first %ho a$$eared %as a brisk" airy #irl" about t%enty years old" %ith a silver/laced hat on her head instead of a ca$" a blue stuff ridin#/suit" trimmed %ith silver very much tarnished" and a %hi$ in her hand& After her came" lim$in#" an old man" %ith a %orsted ni#htca$ buttoned under his chin" and a broad/brimmed hat slouched over it" an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck" under %hich a$$eared a bro%n surtout" that covered a threadbare coat and %aistcoat" and" as he after%ards discerned" a dirty flannel )acket& His eyes %ere hollo%" bleared" and #ummy' his face %as shrivelled into a thousand %rinkles" his #ums %ere destitute of teeth" his nose shar$ and droo$in#" his chin $eaked and $rominent" so that" %hen he mum$ed or s$oke" they a$$roached one another like a $air of nutcrackers( he su$$orted himself on an ivory/headed cane and his %hole fi#ure %as a )ust emblem of %inter" famine" and avarice& But ho% %as + sur$rised" %hen + beheld the formidable ca$tain in the sha$e of a little thin creature" about the a#e of forty" %ith a lon# %ithered visa#e" very much resemblin# that of a baboon" throu#h the u$$er $art of %hich t%o little #ray eyes $ee$ed( he %ore his o%n hair in a -ueue that reached to his rum$" %hich immoderate len#th" + su$$ose& %as the occasion of a baldness that a$$eared on the cro%n of his head %hen he dei#ned to take off his hat" %hich %as very much of the si3e and cock of Pistol's&

Havin# laid aside his #reat/coat" + could not hel$ admirin# the e*traordinary make of this man of %ar( he %as about five feet and three inches hi#h" si*teen inches of %hich %ent to his face and lon# scra##y neck( his thi#hs %ere about si* inches in len#th" his le#s resemblin# s$indles or drumsticks" five feet and a half" and his body" %hich $ut me in mind of e*tension %ithout substance" en#rossed the remainder( so that on the %hole" he a$$eared like a s$ider or #rassho$$er erect" and %as almost a vo* et $raeterea nihil& His dress consisted of a frock of %hat is called bearskin" the skirts of %hich %ere about half a foot lon#" an hussar %aistcoat" scarlet breeches reachin# half %ay do%n his thi#hs" %orsted stockin#s rolled u$ almost to his #roin" and shoes %ith %ooden heels at least t%o inches hi#h' he carried a s%ord very near as lon# as himself in one hand" and %ith the other conducted his lady" %ho seemed to be a %oman of his o%n a#e" and still retained some remains of an a#reeable $erson" but so ridiculously affected" that" had + not been a novice in the %orld" + mi#ht have easily $erceived in her the de$lorable vanity and second/hand airs of a lady's %oman& ,e %ere all assembled in the kitchen" %hen !a$tain ,ea3el 5for that %as his name6 desired a room %ith a fire for himself and s$ouse" and told the landlord they %ould u$ by themselves& The innkee$er re$lied that he could not afford them a room by themselves' and as for su$$in#" he had $re$ared victuals for the $assen#ers in the %a##on" %ithout res$ect of $ersons" but if he could $revail on the rest to let him have his choice in a se$arate manner" he should be very %ell $leased& This %as no sooner said than all of us declared a#ainst the $ro$osal" and 0iss :enny 5our other female $assen#er6" observed that" if !a$tain ,ea3el and his lady had a mind to su$ by themselves" they mi#ht %ait until %e should have done& At this hint the ca$tain $ut on a martial fro%n" and looked very bi#" %ithout s$eakin#' %hile his yokefello%" %ith a disdainful toss of her nose" muttered somethin# about 7!reature87 %hich 0iss :enny overhearin#" ste$$ed u$ to her" sayin#" 74one of your names" #ood 0rs& Abi#ail& !reature" -uotha//+'ll assure you no such creature as you neither//no ten/$ound sneaker//no -uality/cou$ler&7 Here the ca$tain inter$osed" %ith a 79//e" madam" %hat do you mean by that=7 79//n you sir" %ho are you=7 re$lied 0iss :enny" 7%ho made you a ca$tain" you $itiful" trencher/scra$in#" $im$in# curler= 7Sdeath8 the army is come to a fine $ass" %hen such fello%s as you #et commissions& ,hat" + su$$ose you think + don't kno% you= E#ad" you and your hel$mate are %ell met//a cast/off mistress and a bald valet/de/chambre are %ell yoked to#ether&7 7Blood and %ounds8 cried ,ea3el" 7d'ye -uestion the honour of my %ife" madam= Hell and d/ion8 4o man in En#land durst say so much//+ %ould flay him" carbonado him8 ury and destruction8 + %ould have his liver for my su$$er&7 So sayin#" he dre% his s%ord and flourished %ith it" to the #reat terror of Stra$' %hile 0iss :enny" sna$$in# her fin#ers" told him she did not value his resentment a louse& +n the midst of this -uarrel the master of the %a##on ali#hted" %ho" understandin# the cause of the disturbance" and fearin# the ca$tain and his lady %ould take umbra#e and leave his carria#e" %as at #reat $ains to have everythin# made u$" %hich he at last accom$lished" and %e sat do%n to su$$er alto#ether& At bedtime %e %ere sho%n to our a$artments' the old usurer" Stra$" and +" to one room' the ca$tain" his %ife" and 0iss :enny" to another& About midni#ht" my com$anion's bo%els bein# disordered" he #ot u$" in order

to #o back%ard" but in his return" mistakin# one door for another" entered ,ea3el's chamber" and %ithout any hesitation %ent to bed to his %ife" %ho %as fast aslee$" the ca$tain bein# at another end of the room #ro$in# for some em$ty vessel" in lieu of his o%n chamber$ot" %hich %as leaky( as he did not $erceive Stra$ comin# in" he %ent to%ards his o%n bed" after havin# found a convenience' but no sooner did he feel a rou#h head" covered %ith a cotton ni#htca$" than it carne into his mind that he had mistaken 0iss :enny's bed instead of his o%n" and that the head he felt %as that of some #allant" %ith %hom she had made an assi#nation& ull of his con)ecture" and scandalised at the $rostitution of his a$artment" he snatched u$ the vessel he had )ust before filled" and em$tied it at once on the astonished barber and his o%n %ife" %ho %akin# at that instant" broke forth into lamentable cries" %hich not only alarmed the husband beyond measure" but fri#hted $oor Stra$ almost out of his senses' for he verily believed himself be%itched" es$ecially %hen the incensed ca$tain sei3ed him by the throat" %ith a volley of oaths" askin# him ho% he durst have the $resum$tion to attem$t the chastity of his %ife& Poor Stra$ %as so ama3ed and confounded" that he could say nothin# but//7+ take 2od to %itness she's a vir#in for me&7 0rs& ,ea3el" enra#ed to find herself in such a $ickle throu#h the $reci$itation of her husband" arose in her shift" and %ith the heel of her shoe %hich she found by the bedside" belaboured the ca$tain's bald $ate till he roared 70urder&7 7+'ll teach you to em$ty your stink$ots on me"7 cried she" 7you $itiful ho$/o'/my/thumb co*comb& ,hat" + %arrant you're )ealous" you man of lath& ,as it for this + condescended to take you to my bed" you $oor" %ithered" sa$less t%i#=7 The noise occasioned by this adventure had brou#ht the master of the %a##on and me to the door" %here %e overheard all that $assed %ith #reat satisfaction& +n the meantime %e %ere alarmed %ith the cry of 7Ra$e8 0urder8 Ra$e87 %hich :enny $ronounced %ith #reat vociferation& 7Oh8 >ou vile abominable old villain"7 said she" 7%ould you rob me of my virtue= But +'ll be reven#ed of you" you old #oat8 + %ill8 Hel$8 for heaven's sake8 hel$8 + shall be ravished8 ruined8 hel$87 Some servants of the inn" hearin# this cry" came runnin# u$stairs %ith li#hts" and such %ea$ons as chance afforded' %hen %e beheld a very divertin# scene& +n one corner stood the $oor ca$tain shiverin# in his shirt" %hich %as all torn to ra#s( %ith a %oeful visa#e" scratched all over by his %ife" %ho had by this time %ra$$ed the counter$ane about her" and sat sobbin# on the side of her bed& At the other end lay tile old usurer" s$ra%lin# on 0iss :enny's bed" %ith his flannel )acket over his shirt" and his ta%ny mea#re limbs e*$osed to the air' %hile she held him fast by the t%o ears" and loaded him %ith e*ecrations& ,hen he asked %hat %as the matter" she affected to %ee$" told us she %as afraid that %icked ro#ue had ruined her in her slee$" and bade us take notice of %hat %e sa%" for she intended to make use of our evidence a#ainst him& The $oor %retch looked like one more dead than alive" and be##ed to be released' a favour %hich he had no sooner obtained than he $rotested she %as no %oman" but a devil incarnate//that she had first seduced his flesh to rebel" and then betrayed him& 7>es" cockatrice"7 continued he" 7you kno% you laid this snare fur me//but you shan't succeed//for + %ill han# myself before you shall #et a farthin# of me&7 So sayin#" he cra%led to his o%n bed" #roanin# all the %ay& ,e then advanced to the !a$tain" %ho told

us" 72entlemen" here has been a d//d mistake' but +'ll be reven#ed on him %ho %as the cause of it& That Scotchman %ho carries the kna$sack shall not breathe this vital air another day" if my name be ,ea3el& 0y dear" + ask you ten thousand $ardons' you are sensible" + could mean no harm to you&7 7+ kno% not %hat you meant"7 re$lied she" si#hin#" 7but + kno% + have #ot enou#h to send me to my #rave&7 At len#th they %ere reconciled& The %ife %as com$limented %ith a share of 0iss :enny's bed 5her o%n bein# overflo%ed6" and the master of the %a##on invited ,ea3el to slee$ the remainin# $art of the ni#ht %ith him& + retired to mine" %here + found Stra$ mortally afraid" he havin# stolen a%ay in the dark %hile the ca$tain and his lady %ere at lo##erheads&

!HAPTER .++

!a$tain ,ea3el challen#es Stra$" %ho declines the !ombat//an Affair bet%een the !a$tain and me//the Usurer is fain to #ive 0iss :enny five 2uineas for a Release//%e are in 9an#er of losin# a 0eal//the Behaviour of ,ea3el" :enny" and :oey" on that Occasion//an Account of !a$tain ,ea3el and his 1ady//the !a$tain's !oura#e tried//+saac's mirth at the !a$tain's E*$ense 4e*t mornin# + a#reed to #ive the master of the %a##on ten shillin#s for my $assa#e to 1ondon" $rovided Stra$ should be allo%ed to take my $lace %hen + should be dis$osed to %alk& At the same time + desired him to a$$ease the incensed ca$tain" %ho had entered the kitchen %ith a dra%n s%ord in his hand" and threatened %ith many oaths to sacrifice the villain %ho attem$ted to violate his bed' but it %as to no $ur$ose for the master to e*$lain the mistake" and assure him of the $oor lad's innocence" %ho stood tremblin# behind me all the %hile( the more submission that a$$eared in Stra$" the more im$lacable seemed the resentment of ,ea3el" %ho s%ore he must either fi#ht him or he %ould instantly $ut him to death& + %as e*tremely $rovoked at this insolence" and told him" it could not be su$$osed that a $oor barber lad %ould en#a#e a man of the s%ord at his o%n %ea$on' but + %as $ersuaded he %ould %restle or bo* %ith him& To %hich $ro$osal Stra$ immediately #ave assent" by sayin#" 7he %ould bo* %ith him for a #uinea&7 ,ea3el re$lied %ith a look of disdain" that it %as beneath any #entleman of his character to fi#ht like a $orter" or even to $ut himself on a footin#" in any res$ect" %ith such a fello% as Stra$& 7Odds bodikins87 cries :oey" 7sure" co$tain" ya% %ould not commit moorder8 Here's a $oor lad that is %illin# to make atonement for his offence' and an that %oan't satisfie ya%" offers to fi#ht ya% fairly& And ya% %oan't bo*" + dare say" he %ill cood#el %ith ya%& ,oan't ya%" my lad=7 Stra$" after some hesitation" ans%ered" 7>es" yes" +'ll cud#el %ith him&7 But this e*$edient bein# also re)ected by the ca$tain" + be#an to smell his character" and" ti$$in# Stra$ the %ink" told the ca$tain that + had al%ays heard it said" the $erson %ho receives a challen#e should have the choice of the %ea$ons' this therefore bein# the rule in $oint of honour" + %ould venture to $romise on

the head of my com$anion" that he %ould even fi#ht !a$tain ,ea3el at shar$s' but it should be %ith such shar$s as Stra$ %as best ac-uainted %ith" namely" ra3ors& At my mentionin# ra3ors( + could $erceive the ca$tain's colour chan#e %hile Stra$" $ullin# me by the sleeve" %his$ered %ith #reat ea#erness( 74o" no" no' for the love of 2od" don't make any such bar#ain&7 At len#th" ,ea3el" recoverin# himself" turned to%ards me" and %ith a ferocious countenance asked" 7,ho the devil are you= ,ill you fi#ht me=7 ,ith these %ords" $uttin# himself in a $osture" + %as #rievously alarmed at seein# the $oint of a s%ord %ithin half a foot of my breast' and" s$rin#in# to one side" snatched u$ a s$it that stood in the chimney/corner" %ith %hich + ke$t my formidable adversary at bay" %ho made a #reat many half/lon#es" ski$$in# back%ard at every $ush" till at last + $inned him u$ in a corner" to the no small diversion of the com$any& ,hile he %as in this situation his %ife entered" and" seein# her husband in these dan#erous circumstances" uttered a dreadful scream( in this emer#ency" ,ea3el demanded a cessation" %hich %as immediately #ranted' and at last %as contented %ith the submission of Stra$" %ho" fallin# on his knees before him" $rotested the innocence of his intention" and asked $ardon for the mistake he had committed& This affair bein# ended %ithout bloodshed" %e %ent to breakfast" but missed t%o of our com$any" namely" 0iss :enny and the usurer& As for the first" 0rs& ,ea3el informed us" that she had ke$t her a%ake all ni#ht %ith her #roans' and that %hen she rose in the mornin#" 0iss :enny %as so much indis$osed that she could not $roceed on her )ourney& At that instant" a messa#e came from her to the master of the %a##on" %ho immediately %ent into her chamber" follo%ed by us all& She told him in a lamentable tone" that she %as afraid of a miscarria#e" o%in# to the fri#ht she received last ni#ht from the brutality of +saac' and" as the event %as uncertain" desired the usurer mi#ht be detained to ans%er for the conse-uence& Accordin#ly" this ancient Tar-uin %as found in the %a##on" %hither he had retired to avoid the shame of last ni#ht's dis#race" and brou#ht by force into her $resence& He no sooner a$$eared than she be#an to %ee$ and si#h most $iteously" and told us" if she died" she %ould leave her blood u$on the head of that ravisher& Poor +saac turned u$ his eyes and hands to heaven" $rayed that 2od %ould deliver him from the machinations of that :e3ebel' and assured us" %ith tears in his eyes" that his bein# found in bed %ith her %as the result of her o%n invitation& The %a##oner" understandin# the case" advised +saac to make it u$" by #ivin# her a sum of money( to %hich advice he re$lied %ith #reat vehemence" 7A sum of money8//a halter for the cockatrice87 7Oh8 'tis very %ell"7 said 0iss :enny' 7+ see it is in vain to attem$t that flinty heart of his by fair means& :oey" be so #ood as to #o to the )ustice" and tell him there is a sick $erson here" %ho %ants to see him on an affair of conse-uence&7 At the name of )ustice +saac trembled" and biddin# :oey stay" asked %ith a -uaverin# voice" 7,hat she %ould have= She told him that" as he had not $er$etrated his %icked $ur$ose" she %ould be satisfied %ith a small matter& And thou#h the dama#e she mi#ht sustain in her health mi#ht be irre$arable" she %ould #ive him a release for a hundred #uineas&7 7A hundred #uineas87 cried he in an ecstacy" 7a hundred furies8 ,here should a $oor old %retch like me have a hundred #uineas= +f + had so much money" d'ya think + should be found travellin# in a %a##on" at this season of the year=7 7!ome" come7 re$lied :enny" 7none of your miserly artifice here& >ou think + don't kno% +saac Ra$ine" the money/broker" in the 0inories& Ah8 you old ro#ue8 many a $a%n have you had of me and my ac-uaintance" %hich %as never redeemed&7

+saac" findin# it %as in vain to dis#uise himself" offered t%enty shillin#s for a dischar#e" %hich she absolutely refused under fifty $ounds( at last" ho%ever" she %as brou#ht do%n to five" %hich he $aid %ith #reat reluctancy" rather than be $rosecuted for a ra$e& After %hich accommodation" the sick $erson made a shift to #et into the %a##on" and %e set for%ard in #reat tran-uillity' Stra$ bein# accommodated %ith :oey's horse" the driver himself choosin# to %alk& The mornin# and forenoon %e %ere entertained %ith an account of the valour of !a$tain ,ea3el" %ho told us he had once knocked do%n a soldier that made #ame of him' t%eaked a dra%er by the nose" %ho found fault %ith his $ickin# his teeth %ith a fork" at another time' and that he had moreover challen#ed a cheesemon#er" %ho had the $resum$tion to be his rival( for the truth of %hich e*$loits he a$$ealed to his %ife& She confirmed %hatever he said" and observed" 7The last affair ha$$ened that very day on %hich + received a love/letter from S-uire 2obble" and don't you remember" my dear" + %as $rodi#iously sick that very ni#ht %ith eatin# ortolans" %hen my 1ord 9iddle took notice of my com$le*ion's bein# altered" and my lady %as so alarmed that she had %ell ni#h fainted=7 7>es" my dear"7 re$lied the ca$tain" 7you kno% my lord said to me" %ith a sneer" 7Billy" 0rs& ,ea3el is certainly breedin#& 7And + ans%ered cavalierly" 70y lord" + %ish + could return the com$liment& 7U$on %hich the %hole com$any broke out into an immoderate fit of lau#hter' and my lord" %ho loves a re$artee dearly" came round and bussed me&7 ,e travelled in this manner five days" %ithout interru$tion or meetin# anythin# %orth notice( 0iss :enny" %ho soon recovered her s$irits" entertainin# us every day %ith divertin# son#s" of %hich she could sin# a #reat number' and rallyin# her o%n #allant" %ho" not%ithstandin#" %ould never be reconciled to her& On the si*th day" %hile %e %ere about to sit do%n to dinner" the innkee$er came and told us" that three #entlemen" )ust arrived" had ordered the victuals to be carried to their a$artment" althou#h he had informed them that they %ere bes$oke by the $assen#ers in the %a##on& To %hich information they had re$lied" 7the $assen#ers in the %a##on mi#ht be d//d" their betters must be served before them' they su$$osed it %ould be no hardshi$ on such travellers to dine u$on bread and cheese for one day&7 This %as a terrible disa$$ointment to us all' and %e laid our heads to#ether ho% to remedy it' %hen 0iss :enny observed that !a$tain ,ea3el" bein# by $rofession a soldier" ou#ht in this case to $rotect and $revent us from bein# insulted& But the !a$tain e*cused himself" sayin#" he %ould not for all the %orld be kno%n to have travelled in a %a##on8 s%earin# at the same time" that could he a$$ear %ith honour" they should eat his s%ord sooner than his $rovision& U$on this declaration" 0iss :enny" snatchin# his %ea$on" dre% it" and ran immediately into the kitchen" %here she threatened to $ut the cook to death if be did not send the victuals into our chamber immediately& The noise she made brou#ht the three stran#ers do%n" one of %hom no sooner $erceived her than he cried" 7Ha8 :enny Ram$er8 %hat the devil brou#ht thee hither=7 70y dear :ack Rattle87 re$lied she" runnin# into his arms" 7is it you= Then ,ea3el may #o to hell for a dinner//+ shall dine %ith you&7 They consented to this $ro$osal %ith a #reat deal of )oy' and %e %ere on the $oint of bein# reduced to a very uncomfortable meal" %hen :oey" understandin# the %hole affair" entered the kitchen %ith a $itchfork in his hand" and s%ore he %ould be the death of any man %ho should $retend to sei3e the victuals $re$ared for the %a##on& The menace had like to have $roduced fatal conse-uences'

the three stran#ers dra%in# their s%ords" and bein# )oined by their servants" and %e ran#in# ourselves on the side of :oey' %hen the landlord" inter$osin#" offered to $art %ith his o%n dinner to kee$ the $eace" %hich %as acce$ted by the stran#ers' and %e sat do%n at table %ithout any further molestation& +n the afternoon" + chose to %alk alon# %ith :oey" and Stra$ took my $lace& Havin# entered into a conversation %ith this driver" + soon found him to be a merry" facetious" #ood/natured fello%" and %ithal very arch' he informed me" that 0iss :enny %as a common #irl u$on the to%n" %ho" fallin# into com$any %ith a recruitin# officer" he carried her do%n in the sta#e coach from 1ondon to 4e%castle" %here he bad been arrested for debt" and %as no% in $rison' u$on %hich she %as fain to return to her former %ay of life" by this conveyance& He told me like%ise" that one of the #entleman's servants" %ho %ere left at the inn" havin# accidentally seen ,ea3el" immediately kne% him" and ac-uainted :oey %ith some $articulars of his character& That he had served my 1ord ri33le in -uality of valet/de/chambre many years" %hile be lived se$arate from his lady' but" u$on their reconciliation" she e*$ressly insisted u$on ,ea3el's bein# turned off" as %ell as the %oman he ke$t( %hen his lordshi$" to #et rid of them both %ith a #ood #race" $ro$osed that he should marry his 0istress" and he %ould $rocure a commission for him in the army( this e*$edient %as a#reed to" and ,ea3el is no%" by his lordshi$'s interest" ensi#ned in //'s re#iment& + found he and + had the same sentiments %ith re#ard to ,ea3el's coura#e" %hich he resolved to $ut to the trial" by alarmin# the $assen#ers %ith the cry of a 'hi#h%ayman8' as soon as a horseman should a$$ear& This scheme %e $ut in $ractice" to%ards the dusk" %hen %e descried a man on horseback a$$roachin# us& :oey had no sooner intimated to the $eo$le in the %a##on" that he %as afraid %e should be all robbed than a #eneral consternation arose( Stra$ )um$ed out of the %a##on" and hid himself behind a hed#e& The usurer $ut forth e)aculations" and made a rustlin# amon# the stra%" %hich made us con)ecture he had hid somethin# under it& 0rs& ,ea3el" %rin#in# her hands uttered lamentable cries( and the ca$tain" to our #reat ama3ement" be#an to snore' but this artifice did not succeed' for 0iss :enny" shakin# him by the shoulder" ba%led out" 7Sdeath8 ca$tain" is this a time to snore" %hen %e are #oin# to be robbed= 2et u$ for shame" and behave like a soldier and man of honour87 ,ea3el $retended to be in a #reat $assion for bein# disturbed" and s%ore he %ould have his na$ out if all the hi#h%aymen in En#land surrounded him& 79//n my blood8 %hat are you afraid of=7 continued he' at the same time tremblin# %ith such a#itation that the %hole carria#e shook& This sin#ular $iece of behaviour incensed 0iss Ram$er so much that she cried" 79//n your $itiful soul" you are as arrant a $oltroon" as ever %as drummed out of a re#iment& Sto$ the %a##on" :oey//let me out" and by 2//d" if + have rhetoric enou#h" the thief shall not only take your $urse" but your skin also&7 So sayin# she lea$ed out %ith #reat a#ility& By this time the horseman came u$ and ha$$ened to be a #entleman's servant %ell kno%n to :oey" %ho communicated the scheme" and desired him to carry it on a little further" by #oin# into the %a##on" and -uestionin# those %ithin& The stran#er" consentin# for the sake of diversion" a$$roached it" and in a terrible tone demanded" 7,ho have %e #ot here=7 +saac re$lied" %ith a lamentable voice" 7Here's a $oor miserable sinner" %ho has #ot a small family to maintain" and nothin# in the %orld %here%ithal" but these fifteen shillin#s %hich if you rob me of %e must all starve to#ether&7 7,ho's that sobbin# in the other

corner=7 said the su$$osed hi#h%ayman& 7A $oor unfortunate %oman"7 ans%ered 0rs& ,ea3le" u$on %hom + be# you" for !hrist's sake" to have com$assion&7 7Are you maid or %ife"7 said he& 7,ife" to my sorro%"7 said she& 7,ho" or %here is your husband=7 continued he& 70y husband"7 re$lied 0rs& ,ea3el" is an officer in the army and %as left sick at the last inn %here %e dined&7 7>ou must be mistaken" madam"7 said he" 7for + myself sa% him #et into the %a##on this afternoon& But $ray %hat smell is that= Sure your la$do# has befouled himself' let me catch hold of the nasty cur" +'ll teach him better manners&7 Here he laid hold of one of ,ea3el's le#s" and $ulled him out from under his %ife's $etticoat" %here he had concealed himself& The $oor tremblin# ca$tain" bein# detected in his in#lorious situation" rubbed his eyes" and affectin# to %ake out of slee$" cried" 7,hat's the matter= ,hat's the matter=7 7The matter is not much"7 ans%ered the horseman' 7+ only called in to in-uire after your health" and so adieu" most noble ca$tain&7 He cla$$ed s$urs to his horse" and %as out of si#ht in a moment& +t %as some time before ,ea3el could recollect himself" but at len#th reassumin# the bi# look" he said" 79//n the fello%8 %hy did he ride a%ay before + had time to ask him ho% his lord and lady do += 9on't you remember Tom" my dear=7 addressin# himself to his %ife& 7>es"7 re$lied she" 7+ think + do remember somethin# of the fello%" but you kno% + seldom converse %ith $eo$le of his station&7 7Hey/day87 cried :oey" 7do ya% kna% the youn# mon" co$tain=7 7<no% him"7 said ,ea3el" 7many a time has he filled a #lass of Bur#undy for me" at my 1ord Tri$$ett's table&7 7And %hat may his name be" co$tain=7 said :oey& 7His name8//his name"7 re$lied ,ea3el" 7is Tom Rinser&7 7,aunds"7 cried :oey" 7a has chan#ed his o%n neame then8 for +'se lay a %a#er he %as christened :ohn Trotter&7 This observation raised a lau#h a#ainst the ca$tain" %ho seemed very much disconcerted' %hen +saac broke silence" and said" 7+t is no matter %ho or %hat he %as" since he has not $roved the robber %e sus$ected" and %e ou#ht to bless 2od for our narro% esca$e&7 7Bless 2od"7 said ,ea3el" 7bless the devil8 for %hat= Had he been a hi#h%ayman" + should have eaten his blood" body" and #uts" before he had robbed me" or any one in this dili#ence&7 7Ha" ha" ha"7 cried 0iss :enny" 7+ believe you %ill eat all you kill" indeed" ca$tain&7 The usurer %as so %ell $leased at the event of this adventure" that he could not refrain from bein# severe" and took notice that !a$tain ,ea3el seemed to be a #ood !hristian" for he had armed himself %ith $atience and resi#nation" instead of carnal %ea$ons' and %orked out his salvation %ith fear and tremblin#& This $iece of satire occasioned a #reat deal of mirth at ,ea3el's e*$ense" %ho muttered a #reat many oaths" and threatened to cut +saac's throat& The usurer" takin# hold of this menace" said" 72entlemen and ladies" + take you all to %itness" that in my life is in dan#er from this bloody/minded officer' +'ll have him bound over to the $eace&7 This second sneer $roduced another lau#h a#ainst him" and he remained crestfallen durin# the remainin# $art of our )ourney&

!HAPTER .+++

Stra$ and + are terrified by an A$$arition//Stra$'s !on)ecture//the 0ystery e*$lained by :oey//%e arrive in 1ondon/our 9ress and A$$earance described//%e are insulted in the Street//an Adventure in an Alehouse//%e are im$osed u$on by a %a##ish ootman//set to ri#hts by a Tobacconist//take 1od#in#s//dive for a 9inner//an Accident at our Ordinary ,e arrived at our inn" su$$ed" and %ent to bed' but Stra$'s distem$er continuin#" he %as obli#ed to rise in the middle of the ni#ht" and takin# the candle in his hand" %hich he had left burnin# for the $ur$ose" he %ent do%n to the house of office" %hence in a short time he returned in a #reat hurry" %ith his hair standin# on end" and a look betokenin# horror and astonishment& ,ithout s$eakin# a %ord" he set do%n the li#ht and )um$ed into bed behind me" %here he lay and trembled %ith #reat violence& ,hen + asked him %hat %as the matter" he re$lied" %ith a broken accent" 72od have mercy on us8 + have seen the devil87 Thou#h my $re)udice %as not -uite so stron# as his" + %as not a little alarmed at this e*clamation" and much more so %hen + heard the sound of bells a$$roachin# our chamber" and felt my bedfello% clin# close to me" utterin# these %ords" 7!hrist have mercy u$on us' there he comes87 At that instance a monstrous over#ro%n raven entered our chamber" %ith bells at his feet" and made directly to%ards our bed& As this creature is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and %itches to $lay their $ranks in" + verily believed %e %ere haunted' and" in a violent fri#ht" shrank under the bedclothes& This terrible a$$arition lea$ed u$on the bed" and after #ivin# us several severe dabs %ith its beak& throu#h the blankets" ho$$ed a%ay" and vanished& Stra$ and + recommended ourselves to the $rotection of heaven %ith #reat devotion" and" %hen %e no lon#er heard the noise" ventured to $ee$ u$ and take breath& But %e had not been lon# freed from this $hantom" %hen another a$$eared" that had %ell ni#h de$rived us both of our senses& ,e $erceived an old man enter the room" %ith a lon# %hite beard that reached to his middle' there %as a certain %ild $eculiarity in his eyes and countenance that did not savour of this %orld' and his dress consisted of a bro%n stuff coat" buttoned behind and at the %rists" %ith an odd/fashioned ca$ of the same stuff u$on his head& + %as so ama3ed that + had not $o%er to move my eyes from such a #hastly ob)ect" but lay motionless& and sa% him come strai#ht u$ to me( %hen he reached the bed" he %run# his hands" and cried" %ith a voice that did not seem to belon# to a human creature" 7,here is Ral$h=7 + made no re$ly( u$on %hich he re$eated" in an accent still more $reternatural" 7,here is Ral$ho=7 He had no sooner $ronounced these %ords than + heard the sound of the bells at a distance' %hich the a$$arition" havin# listened to" tri$$ed a%ay" and left me almost $etrified %ith fear& +t %as a #ood %hile before + could recover myself so far as to s$eak' and" %hen at len#th + turned to Stra$" + found him in a fit" %hich" ho%ever" did not last lon#& ,hen he came to himself" + asked his o$inion of %hat had ha$$ened' and he assured me that the first must certainly be the soul of some $erson damned" %hich a$$eared by the chain about his le#s 5for his fears had ma#nified the creature to the bi#ness of a horse" and the sound of small morice/bells to the clankin# of massy chains6& As for the old man" he took it to be the s$irit of somebody murdered lon# a#o in this $lace" %hich had $o%er #ranted to forment the assassin in the sha$e of a raven" and that Ral$ho %as the name of the said murderer& Althou#h + had not much faith

in this inter$retation" + %as too much troubled to en)oy any slee$( and in all my future adventures never $assed a ni#ht so ill& +n the mornin# Stra$ im$arted the %hole affair to :oey" %ho" after an immoderate fit of lau#hter" e*$lained the matter" by tellin# him that the old man %as the landlord's father" %ho had been an idiot some years" and diverted himself %ith a tame raven" %hich" it seems" had ho$$ed a%ay from his a$artment in the ni#ht" and induced him to follo% it to our chamber" %here he had in-uired after it under the name of Ral$ho& 4othin# remarkable ha$$ened durin# the remainin# $art of our )ourney" %hich continued si* or seven days lon#er( at len#th %e entered the #reat city" and lod#ed all ni#ht at the inn %here the %a##on $ut u$& 4e*t mornin# all the $assen#ers $arted different %ays" %hile my com$anion and + sallied out to in-uire for the member of $arliament" to %hom + had a letter of recommendation from 0r& !rab& As %e had dischar#ed our lod#in# at the inn" Stra$ took u$ our ba##a#e and" marched behind me in the street %ith the kna$sack on his back" as usual" so that %e made a very %himsical a$$earance& + had dressed myself to the #reatest advanta#e' that is" $ut on a clean ruffled shirt" and my best thread stockin#s( my hair 5%hich %as of the dee$est red6 hun# do%n u$on my shoulders" as lank and strai#ht as a $ound of candles' and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my le#' my %aistcoat and breeches %ere of the same $iece" and cut in the same taste' and my hat very much resembled a barber's basin" in the shallo%ness of the cro%n and narro%ness of the brim& Stra$ %as habited in a much less a%k%ard manner( but a short cro$/eared %i#" that very much resembled Scrub's in the $lay" and the kna$sack on his back" added to %hat is called a -ueer $hi3" occasioned by a lon# chin" a hook nose" and hi#h cheek bones" rendered him" on the %hole" a very fit sub)ect of mirth and $leasantry& As he %alked alon#" Stra$" at my desire" in-uired of a carman" %hom %e met" %hereabouts 0r& !rin#er lived( and %as ans%ered by a stare" accom$anied %ith the %ord 7Anan87 U$on %hich + came u$" in order to e*$lain the -uestion" but had the misfortune to be unintelli#ible like%ise" the carman damnin# us for a lousy Scotch #uard" %hi$$in# his horses %ith a 72ee ho87 %hich nettled me to the -uick" and roused the indi#nation of Stra$ so far that" after the fello% %as #one a #ood %ay" he told me he %ould fi#ht him for a farthin#& ,hile %e %ere deliberatin# u$on %hat %as to be done" a hackney coachman" drivin# softly alon#" and $erceivin# us standin# by the kennel" came u$ close to us" and callin#" 7A coach" master87 by a de*terous mana#ement of the reins made his horses stumble in the %et" and bedaub us all over %ith mud& After %hich e*$loit he drove on" a$$laudin# himself %ith a hearty lau#h" in %hich several $eo$le )oined" to my #reat mortification' but one" more com$assionate than the rest" seein# us stran#ers" advised me to #o into an alehouse" and dry myself& + thanked him for his advice" %hich + immediately com$lied %ith' and" #oin# into the house he $ointed out" called for a $ot of beer" and sat do%n by a fire in the $ublic room& %here %e cleaned ourselves as %ell as %e could& +n the meantime" a %a#" %ho sat in a bo*" smokin# his $i$e" understandin#" by our dialect" that %e %ere from Scotland" came u$ to me& and" %ith a #rave countenance asked ho% lon# + had been cau#ht& As + did not kno% the meanin# of this -uestion" + made no ans%er' and he %ent on" sayin# it could not be a #reat %hile" for my tail %as not yet cut' at the same time takin# hold of my hair" and ti$$in# the %ink to the

rest of the com$any" %ho seemed hi#hly entertained %ith his %it& + %as incensed at this usa#e" but afraid of resentin# it" because + ha$$ened to be in a stran#e $lace" and $erceived the $erson %ho s$oke to me %as a bra%ny fello%" for %hom + thou#ht myself by no means a match& Ho%ever" Stra$" havin# either more coura#e or less caution" could not $ut u$ %ith the insults + suffered" but told him in a $erem$tory tone" 7He %as an uncivil fello% for makin# so free %ith his betters&7 Then the %it #oin# to%ard him" asked him %hat he had #ot in his kna$sack= 7+s it oatmeal or brimstone" Sa%ney=7 said he" sei3in# him by the chin" %hich he shook" to the ine*$ressible diversion of all $resent& 0y com$anion" feelin# himself assaulted in such an o$$robrious manner" disen#a#ed himself in a trice" and lent his anta#onist such a bo* on the ear as made him sta##er to the other side of the room' and" in a moment" a rin# %as formed for the combatants& Seein# Stra$ be#innin# to stri$" and my blood bein# heated %ith indi#nation" %hich banished all other thou#hts" + undressed myself to the skin in an instant" and declared" that as the affront that occasioned the -uarrel %as offered to me" + %ould fi#ht it out myself' u$on %hich one or t%o cried out" 7That's a brave Scotch boy' you shall have fair $lay&7 His assurance #ave me fresh s$irits" and" #oin# u$ to my adversary" %ho by his $ale countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle" + struck him so hard on the stomach" that he reeled over a bench" and fell to the #round& Then + attem$ted to kee$ him do%n" in order to im$rove my success" accordin# to the manner of my o%n country" but %as restrained by the s$ectators" one of %hom endeavoured to raise u$ my o$$onent" but in vain' for he $rotested he %ould not fi#ht" for he %as not -uite recovered of a late illness& + %as very %ell $leased %ith this e*cuse" and immediately dressed myself" havin# ac-uired the #ood o$inion of the com$any for my bravery" as %ell as of my comrade Stra$" %ho shook me by the hand" and %ished me )oy of the victory& After havin# drunk our $ot" and dried our clothes" %e in-uired of the landlord if he kne% 0r& !rin#er" the member of $arliament" and %ere ama3ed at his re$lyin# in the ne#ative' for %e ima#ined he must be alto#ether as cons$icuous here as in the borou#h he re$resented' but he told us %e mi#ht $ossibly hear of him as %e $assed alon#& ,e betook ourselves therefore to the street" %here seein# a footman standin# at the door" %e made u$ to him" and asked if he kne% %here our $atron lived= This member of the $articoloured fraternity" surveyin# us both very minutely" said he kne% 0r& !rin#er very %ell" and bade us turn do%n the first street on our left" then turn to the ri#ht" and then to the left a#ain" after %hich $erambulation %e %ould observe a lane" throu#h %hich %e must $ass" and at the other end %e should find an alley that leads to another street" %here %e should see the si#n of the Thistle and Three Pedlars" and there he lod#ed& ,e thanked him for his information" and %ent for%ards" Stra$ tellin# me" that he kne% this $erson to be an honest friendly man by his countenance" before he o$ened his mouth' in %hich o$inion + ac-uiesced" ascribin# his #ood manners to the com$any he daily sa% in the house %here he served& ,e follo%ed his directions $unctually" in turnin# to the left" and to the ri#ht" and to the left a#ain' but instead of seein# a lane before us" found ourselves at the side of the river" a circumstance that $er$le*ed us not a little' and my fello%/traveller ventured to $ronounce" that %e bad certainly missed our %ay& By this time %e %ere $retty much fati#ued %ith our %alk" and not kno%in# ho%

to $roceed" + %ent into a small snuff/sho$ hard by" encoura#ed by the si#n of the Hi#hlander" %here + found" to my ine*$ressible satisfaction" the sho$kee$er %as my countryman& He %as no sooner informed of our $ere#rination" and the directions %e had received from the footman" than he informed us %e had been im$osed u$on" tellin# us" 0r& !rin#er lived in the other end of the to%n and that it %ould be to no $ur$ose for us to #o thither to/day" for by that time he %as #one to the House& + then asked" if he could recommend us a lod#in#& He really #ave us a line to one of his ac-uaintance %ho ke$t a chandler's sho$ not far from St& 0artin's 1ane' there %e hired a bed/room" u$ t%o $air of stairs" at the rate of t%o shillin#s $er %eek" so very small" that %hen the bed %as let do%n" %e %ere obli#ed to carry out every other $iece of furniture that belon#ed to the a$artment" and use the bedstead by %ay of chairs& About dinner/time" our landlord asked ho% %e $ro$osed to live= to %hich interro#ation %e ans%ered" that %e %ould be directed by him& 7,ell" then"7 says he" 7there are t%o %ays of eatin# in this to%n for $eo$le of your condition//the one more creditable and e*$ensive than the other( the first is to dine at an eatin#/house fre-uented by %ell/dressed $eo$le only' and the other is called divin#" $ractised by those %ho are either obli#ed or inclined to live fru#ally&7 + #ave him to understand that" $rovided the last %as not infamous" it %ould suit much better %ith our circumstances than the other& 7+nfamous87 cried he" 7not at all' there are many creditable $eo$le" rich $eo$le" ay" and fine $eo$le" that dive every day& + have seen many a $retty #entleman %ith a laced %aistcoat dine in that manner very comfortably for three $ence half$enny" and #o after%ards to the coffee/house" %here he made a fi#ure %ith the best lord in the land' but your o%n eyes shall bear %itness//+ %ill #o alon# %ith you to/day and introduce you&7 He accordin#ly conducted us to a certain lane" %here sto$$in#" he bade us observe him" and do as he did" and" %alkin# a fe% $aces" dived into a cellar and disa$$eared in an instant& + follo%ed his e*am$le" and descendin# very successfully" found myself in the middle of a cook's sho$" almost suffocated %ith the steams of boiled beef" and surrounded by a com$any of hackney coachmen" chairmen" draymen" and a fe% footmen out of $lace or on board/%a#es' %ho sat eatin# shin of beef" tri$e" co%/heel" or sausa#es" at se$arate boards" covered %ith cloths %hich turned my stomach& ,hile + stood in ama3e" undetermined %hether to sit do%n or %alk u$%ards a#ain" Stra$" in his descent" missin# one of the sto$s" tumbled headlon# into this infernal ordinary" and overturned the cook as she carried a $orrin#er of sou$ to one of the #uests& +n her fall" she dashed the %hole mess a#ainst the le#s of a drummer belon#in# to the foot/#uards" %ho ha$$ened to be in her %ay" and scalded him so miserably" that he started u$" and danced u$ and do%n" utterin# a volley of e*ecrations that made my hair stand on end& ,hile he entertained the com$any in this manner" %ith an elo-uence $eculiar to himself" the cook #ot u$" and after a hearty curse on the $oor author of this mischance" %ho lay under the table %ith a %oful countenance" em$tied a salt/cellar in her hand" and" stri$$in# do%n the $atient's stockin#" %hich brou#ht the skin alon# %ith it" a$$lied the contents to the sore& This $oultice %as scarce laid on" %hen the drummer" %ho had be#un to abate of his e*clamations" broke forth into such a hideous yell as made the %hole com$any tremble" then" sei3in# a $e%ter $int $ot that stood by him" s-uee3ed

the sides of it to#ether" as if it had been made of $liant leather" #rindin# his teeth at the same time %ith a most horrible #rin& 2uessin# the cause of this violent trans$ort" + bade the %oman %ash off the salt" and bathe the $art %ith oil" %hich she did" and $rocured him immediate ease& But here another difficulty occurred" %hich %as no other than the landlady's insistin# on his $ayin# for the $ot he had rendered useless& He said" he %ould $ay for nothin# but %hat he had eaten" and bade her be thankful for his moderation" or else he %ould $rosecute her for dama#es& Stra$" foreseein# the %hole affair %ould lie at his door" $romised to satisfy the cook" and called for a dram of #in to treat the drummer" %hich entirely a$$eased him" and com$osed all animosities& After this accommodation" our landlord and %e sat do%n at a board" and dined u$on shin of beef most deliciously' our reckonin# amountin# to t%o$ence half$enny each" bread and small beer included&

!HAPTER .+;

,e visit Stra$'s friend//a descri$tion of him//his advice//%e #o to 0r& !rin#er's house//are denied admittance//an Accident befalls Stra$//his behaviour thereu$on//an e*traordinary adventure occurs" in the course of %hich + lose all my money +n the afternoon my com$anion $ro$osed to call at his friend's house" %hich" %e %ere informed" %as in the nei#hbourhood" %hither %e accordin#ly %ent" and %ere so lucky as to find him at home& This #entleman" %ho had come from Scotland three or four years before" ke$t a school in to%n" %here he tau#ht the 1atin" rench" and +talian lan#ua#es' but %hat he chiefly $rofessed %as the $ronunciation of the En#lish ton#ue" after a method more s$eedy and uncommon than any $ractised heretofore" and" indeed" if his scholars s$oke like their master" the latter $art of his undertakin# %as certainly $erformed to a tittle( for althou#h + could easily understand every %ord of %hat + had heard hitherto since + entered En#land" three $arts in four of his dialect %ere as unintelli#ible to me as if he had s$oken in Arabic or +rish& He %as a middle/si3ed man" and stoo$ed very much" thou#h not above the a#e of forty' his face %as fri#htfully $itted %ith the small/$o*" and his mouth e*tended from ear to ear& He %as dressed in a ni#ht/#o%n of $laid" fastened about his middle %ith a ser#eant's old sash" and a tie/$eri%i# %ith a foreto$ three inches hi#h" in the fashion of <in# !harles the Second's rei#n& After he had received Stra$" %ho %as related to him" very courteously" he in-uired of him %ho + %as' and bein# informed" he took me by the hand" tellin# me he %as at school %ith my father& ,hen he understood my situation" he assured me that he %ould do me all the service in his $o%er" both by his advice and other%ise" and %hile he s$oke these %ords eyed me %ith #reat attention" %alkin# round me several times" and mutterin#" 7Oh" dear8 Oh" dear8 fat a sai#ht is here87 + soon #uessed the reason of his e)aculation" and

said" 7+ su$$ose" sir" you are not $leased %ith my dress&7 79ress"7 ans%ered he" 7you may caal it fat you $lease in your country" but + vo% to 2ad 'tis a mas-uerade here& 4o !hristian %ill admit such a fi#ure into his house& U$on my conscience" + %onder the do#s did not hunt you& 9id you $ass throu#h St& :ames's market= Bless my eyesai#ht8 you are like a cousin/#erman of an ouran#outan#&7 + be#an to be a little serious at this discourse" and asked him" if he thou#ht + should obtain entrance to/morro% at the house of 0r& !rin#er" on %hom + chiefly de$ended for an introduction into business= 70r& !rin#er" 0r& !rin#er"7 re$lied he" scratchin# his cheek" 7may be a very honest #entleman//+ kno% nothin# to the contrary' but is your sole de$endence u$on him= ,ho recommended you to him=7 + $ulled out 0r& !rab's letter" and told him the foundation of my ho$es" at %hich he stared at me" and re$eated 7Oh dear8 Oh dear87 + be#an to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his" and be##ed he %ould assist me %ith his advice" %hich he $romised to #ive very frankly' and as a s$ecimen" directed us to a $eri%i# %arehouse in the nei#hbourhood" in order to be accommodated' layin# stron# in)unctions on me not to a$$ear before 0r& !rin#er till + had $arted %ith my carroty locks" %hich" he said" %ere sufficient to be#et an anti$athy a#ainst me in all mankind& And as %e %ere #oin# to $ursue this advice" he called me back and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into 0r& !rin#er's o%n hand& As %e %alked alon#" Stra$ trium$hed #reatly in our rece$tion %ith his friend" %ho" it seems" had assured him he %ould in a day or t%o $rovide for him %ith some #ood master' + and no%"7 says he" 7+ you %ill see ho% + %ill fit you %ith a %i#& There's ne'er a barber in 1ondon 5and that's a bold %ord6 can $alm a rotten caul" or a $enny%ei#ht of dead hair" u$on me&7 And" indeed" this 3ealous adherent did %ran#le so lon# %ith the merchant" that he %as desired t%enty times to leave the sho$" and see if lie could #et one chea$er else%here& At 7len#th + made choice 5if a #ood handsome bob6" for %hich + $aid ten shillin#s" and returned to our lod#in#" %here Stra$ in a moment rid me of that hair %hich had #iven the schoolmaster so much offence& ,e #ot u$ ne*t day betimes" havin# been informed that 0r& !rin#er #ave audience by candle/li#ht to all his de$endents" he himself bein# obli#ed to attend the levee of my 1ord Terrier at break of day" because his lordshi$ made one at the minister's bet%een ei#ht and nine o'clock& ,hen %e came to 0r& !rin#er's door" Stra$" to #ive me all instance of his $oliteness& ran to the knocker" %hich he em$loyed so loud and so lon#" that he alarmed the %hole street' and a %indo% o$enin# in the second story of the ne*t house" a vessel %as dischar#ed u$on him so successfully" that the $oor barber %as %et to the skin" %hile +" bein# luckily at some distance" esca$ed the unsavoury delu#e& +n the meantime" a footman o$enin# the door" and seein# nobody in the street but us" asked" %ith a stern countenance" if it %as + %ho made such a noise" and %hat + %anted& + told him + had business %ith his master" %hom + desired to see& U$on %hich he sla$$ed the door in my face" tellin# me + must learn better manners before + could have access to his master& ;e*ed at this disa$$ointment" + turned my resentment a#ainst Stra$" %hom + shar$ly re$rimanded for his $resum$tion' but he" not in the least re#ardin# %hat + said" %run# the %et out of his $eri%i#" and liftin# u$ a lar#e stone" flun# it %ith such force a#ainst the street door of that house from %hence he had been bede%ed" that the lock #ivin# %ay" it fle% %ide o$en" and he took to his heels" leavin# me to

follo% him as + could& +ndeed" there %as no time for deliberation' + therefore $ursued him %ith all the s$eed + could e*ert" until %e found ourselves about the da%n in a street %e did not kno%& Here" as %e %andered alon# #a$in# about" a very decent sort of a man" $assin# by me" sto$$ed of a sudden and took u$ somethin#" %hich havin# e*amined" he turned and $resented to me %ith these %ords( 7Sir" you have dro$$ed half/a/cro%n&7 + %as not a little sur$rised at this instance of honesty" and told him it did not belon# to me' but he bade me recollect" and see if all my money %as safe' u$on %hich + $ulled out my $urse" for + had bou#ht one since + came to to%n" and" reckonin# my money in my hand" %hich %as no% reduced to five #uineas seven shillin#s and t%o$ence" assured him + had lost nothin#& 7,ell" then" says he" so much the better' this is a #odsend" and as you t%o %ere $resent %hen + $icked it u$" you are entitled to e-ual shares %ith me&7 + %as astonished at these %ords" and looked u$on this $erson to be a $rodi#y of inte#rity" but absolutely refused to take any $art of the sum& 7!ome" #entlemen"7 said he" 7you are too modest//+ see you are stran#ers" but you shall #ive me leave to treat you %ith a %het this cold ra% mornin#&7 + %ould have declined the invitation" but Stra$ %his$ered to me that the #entleman %ould be affronted" and + com$lied& 7,here shall %e #o=7 said the stran#er' 7+ am -uite i#norant of this $art of the to%n&7 + informed him that %e %ere in the same situation' u$on %hich he $ro$osed to #o into the first $ublic/house %e should find o$en' and as %e %alked to#ether" he be#an in this manner( 7+ find by your ton#ues you are from Scotland" #entlemen' my #randmother by the father's side %as of your country" and + am so $re$ossessed in its favour" that + never meet a Scotchman but my heart %arms& The Scots are very brave $eo$le& There is scarce a #reat family in the kin#dom that cannot boast of some e*$loits $erformed by its ancestors many hundred years a#o& There's your 9ou#lasses" 2ordons" !am$bells" Hamiltons& ,e have no such ancient families here in En#land& Then you are all very %ell educated& + have kno%n a $edlar talk in 2reek and Hebre% as %ell as if they had been his mother/ton#ue& And for honesty//+ once had a servant" his name %as 2re#or 0ac#re#or" + %ould have trusted him %ith untold #old&7 This eulo#ium of my native country #ained my affections so stron#ly" that + believe + could have #one to death to serve the author' and Stra$'s eyes s%am in tears& At len#th" as %e $assed throu#h a dark narro% lane" %e $erceived a $ublic/house" %hich %e entered" and found a man sittin# by the fire" smokin# a $i$e" %ith a $int of $url before him& Our ne% ac-uaintance asked us if ever %e had drunk e##/fli$= To %hich -uestion %e ans%erin# in the ne#ative" he assured us of a re#ale" and ordered a -uart to be $re$ared" callin# for $i$es and tobacco at the same time& ,e found this com$osition very $alateable" and drank heartily' the conversation" %hich %as introduced by the #entleman" turnin# u$on the snares that youn# ine*$erienced $eo$le are e*$osed to in this metro$olis& He described a thousand cheats that are daily $ractised u$on the i#norant and un%ary" and %arned us of them %ith so much #ood nature and concern" that %e blessed the o$$ortunity %hich thre% us in his %ay& After %e had $ut the can about for some time" our ne% friend be#an to ya%n" tellin# us he had been u$ all ni#ht %ith a sick $erson' and $ro$osed %e should have recourse to some diversion to kee$ him a%ake& 7Su$$ose"7 said he" 7%e should take a hand at %hist for $astime& But let me see( that %on't do" there's only three of us' and + cannot $lay at any other #ame& The truth is" + seldom or never $lay" but out of com$laisance" or at such a time as this" %hen +

am in dan#er of fallin# aslee$"7 Althou#h + %as not much inclined to #amin#" + felt no aversion to $ass an hour or t%o at cards %ith a friend' and kno%in# that Stra$ understood as much of the matter as +" made no scru$le of sayin#" 7+ %ish %e could find a fourth hand&7 ,hile %e %ere in this $er$le*ity the $erson %hom %e found in the house at our entrance" overhearin# our discourse" took the $i$e from his mouth very #ravely" and accosted us thus( 72entlemen" my $i$e is out" you see"7 shakin# the ashes into the fire" 7and rather than you should be balked" + don't care if + take a hand %ith you for a trifle//but remember + %on't $lay for anythin# of conse-uence&7 ,e acce$ted his $roffer %ith $leasure& Havin# cut for $artners" it fell to my lot to $lay %ith him a#ainst our friend and Stra$" for three$ence a #ame& ,e %ere so successful" that in a short time + %as half/a/cro%n #ainer' %hen the #entleman %hom %e had met in the street observin# he had no luck to/day" $ro$osed to leave off" or chan#e $artners& By this time + %as inflamed %ith my #ood fortune and the e*$ectation of im$rovin# it" as + $erceived the t%o stran#ers $layed but indifferently' therefore + voted for #ivin# him his reven#e( and cuttin# a#ain" Stra$ and +" to our mutual satisfaction" ha$$ened to be $artners& 0y #ood fortune attended me still" and in less than an hour %e had #ot thirty shillin#s of their money" for as they lost they #re% the keener" and doubled stakes every time& At last the inconstant #oddess be#an to veer about" and %e %ere very soon stri$$ed of all our #ains" and about forty shillin#s of our o%n money& This loss mortified me e*tremely" and had a visible effect on the muscles of Stra$'s face" %hich len#thened a$ace' but our anta#onists $erceivin# our condition" kindly $ermitted us to retrieve our loss" and console ourselves %ith a ne% ac-uisition& Then my com$anion %isely su##ested& it %as time to be #one' u$on %hich the $erson %ho bad )oined us in the house be#an to curse the cards" and muttered that %e %ere indebted to fortune only for %hat %e had #ot" no $art of our success bein# o%in# to our #ood $lay& This insinuation nettled me so much that + challen#ed him to a #ame at $i-uet for a cro%n( and he %as %ith difficulty $ersuaded to acce$t the invitation& This contest ended in less than an hour to my ine*$ressible affliction" %ho lost every shillin# of my o%n money" Stri$ absolutely refusin# to su$$ly me %ith a si*$ence& The #entleman at %hose re-uest %e bad come in" $erceivin# by my disconsolate looks the situation of my heart& %hich %ell ni#h burst %ith #rief and resentment" %hen the other stran#er #ot u$" and %ent a%ay %ith my money" be#an in this manner(//7+ am truly afflicted at your bad luck& and %ould %illin#ly re$air it" %ere it in my $o%er& But %hat in the name of #oodness could $rovoke you to tem$t your fate so lon#= +t is al%ays a ma*im %ith #amesters to $ursue success as far us it %ill #o" and to sto$ %henever fortune shifts about& >ou are a youn# man" and your $assions are too im$etuous' you must learn to #overn them better& Ho%ever" there is no e*$erience like that %hich is bou#ht' you %ill be the better for this the lon#est day you have to live& As for the fello% %ho has #ot your money" + don't half like him& 9id not you see me ti$ you the %ink to leave off in time=7 + ans%ered" 74o&7 74o"7 continued he' 7you %as too ea#er to mind anythin# but the #ame& But" harkee"7 said he in a %his$er" 7are you satisfied of that youn# man's honesty= His looks are a little sus$icious//but + may be mistaken' he made a #reat many #rimaces %hile he stood behind you" this is a very %icked to%n&7 + told him + %as very %ell convinced of my comrade's inte#rity and"

that the #rimaces he mentioned %ere doubtless o%in# to his an*iety of my loss& 7Oh ho8 if that be the case" + ask his $ardon& 1andlord" see %hat's to $ay&7 The reckonin# amounted to ei#hteen$ence" %hich" havin# dischar#ed" the #entleman shook us both by the hand" and" sayin# he should be very #lad to see us a#ain" de$arted&

!HAPTER .;

Stra$ moralises//$resents his $urse to me//%e inform our landlord of our misfortune//he unravels the mystery//+ $resent myself to !rin#er//he recommends and turns me over to 0r& Stayta$e//+ become ac-uainted %ith a fello% de$endent" %ho e*$lains the character of !rin#er and Stayta$e//and informs me of the method to be $ursued at the 4avy Office and Sur#eons' Hall//Stra$ is em$loyed +n our %ay to our lod#in#" after a $rofound silence on both sides" Stra$" %ith a hideous #roan" observed that %e had brou#ht our $i#s to a fine market& To this observation + made no re$ly" and he %ent on( 72od send us %ell out of this $lace' %e have not been in 1ondon ei#ht and forty hours" and + believe %e have met %ith ei#ht and forty thousand misfortunes& ,e have been )eered" re$roached" buffeted" and at last stri$t of our money' and + su$$ose by and bye %e shall be stri$t of our skins& +ndeed as to the money $art of it" that %as o%in# to our o%n folly&//Solomon says" 'Bray a fool in a mortar" and he %ill never be %ise&' Ah8 2od hel$ us" an ounce of $rudence is %orth a $ound of #old&7 This %as no time for him to tam$er %ith my dis$osition" already mad %ith my loss" and inflamed %ith resentment a#ainst him for havin# refused me a little money to attem$t to retrieve it& + therefore turned to%ards him %ith a stern countenance" and asked" %ho he called fool= Bein# alto#ether unaccustomed to such looks from me" he stood still" and stared in my face for some time' then" %ith some confusion" uttered" 7 ool8 + called nobody fool but myself' + am sure + am the #reatest fool of the t%o" for bein# so much concerned at other $eo$le's misfortunes' but '4emo omnibus horis sa$it'//that's all" that's all&7 U$on %hich a silence ensued" %hich brou#ht us to our lod#in#" %here + thre% myself u$on the bed in an a#ony of des$air" resolved to $erish rather than a$$ly to my com$anion" or any other body" for relief' but Stra$" %ho kne% my tem$er" and %hose heart bled %ithin him for my distress" after some $ause came to the bedside" and" $uttin# a leathern $urse into my hand" burst into tears" cryin#" 7+ kno% %hat you think" but + scorn your thou#ht& There's all + have in the %orld" take it" and +'ll $erha$s #et more for you before that be done& +f not" +'ll be# for you" steal for you" #o throu#h the %ide %orld %ith you" and stay %ith you' for thou#h + be a $oor cobbler's son" + am no scout&7 + %as so much touched %ith the #enerous $assion of this $oor creature" that + could not refrain from %ee$in# also" and %e min#led our tears to#ether for some time& U$on e*aminin# the $urse" + found in it t%o half/#uineas and half/a/cro%n" %hich + %ould have returned to him" sayin#" he kne% better than + ho% to mana#e it" but he" absolutely refused

my $ro$osal and told me it %as more reasonable and decent that he should de$end u$on me" %ho %as a #entleman" than that + should be controlled by him& After this friendly contest %as over" and our minds more at ease" %e informed our landlord of %hat had ha$$ened to us" takin# care to conceal the e*tremity to %hich %e %ere reduced& He no sooner heard the story" than he assured us %e had been #rievously im$osed u$on by a cou$le of shar$ers" %ho %ere associates' and that this $olite" honest" friendly" humane $erson" %ho had treated us so civilly" %as no other than a rascally money/dro$$er" %e made it his business to decoy stran#ers in that manner to one of his o%n haunts" %here an accom$lice or t%o %ere al%ays %aitin# to assist in $illa#in# the $rey he had run do%n& Here the #ood man recounted a #reat many stories of $eo$le %ho has been seduced" cheated" $ilfered" beat//nay" even murdered by such villains& + %as confounded at the artifice and %ickedness of mankind' and Stra$" liftin# u$ his eyes and hands to heaven" $rayed that 2od %ould deliver him from such scenes of ini-uity" for surely the devil had set u$ his throne in 1ondon& Our landlord bein# curious to kno% %hat rece$tion %e had met %ith at 0r& !rin#er's" %e ac-uainted him %ith the $articulars" at %hich he shook his head" and told us %e had not #one the ri#ht %ay to %ork' that there %as nothin# to be done %ith a member of $arliament %ithout a bribe' that the servant %as commonly infected %ith the master's disease" and e*$ected to be $aid for his %ork" as %ell as his betters& He therefore advised me to #ive the footman a shillin# the ne*t time + should desire admittance to my $atron" or else + should scarce find an o$$ortunity to deliver my letter& Accordin#ly" ne*t mornin#" %hen the door %as o$ened" + sli$$ed a shillin# into his hand" and told him + had a letter for his master& + found the #ood effect of my liberality' for the fello% let me in immediately" and" takin# the letter out of my hand" desired me to %ait in a kind of $assa#e for an ans%er& +n this $lace + continued standin# for three/-uarters/of/an/hour" durin# %hich time + sa% a #reat many youn# fello%s %hom + formerly kne% in Scotland $ass and re$ass" %ith an air of familiarity" in their %ay to and from the audience/chamber' %hile + %as fain to stand shiverin# in the cold" and turn my back to them that they mi#ht not $erceive the lo%ness of my condition" At len#th" 0r& !rin#er came out to see a youn# #entleman to the door" %ho %as no other than S-uire 2a%ky" dressed in a very #ay suit of clothes' at $artin# 0r& !rin#er shook him by the hand and told him he ho$ed to have the $leasure of his com$any at dinner& Then turnin# about to%ards me" asked %hat %ere my commands= ,hen he understood + %as the $erson %ho had brou#ht the letter from 0r& !rab" he affected to recollect my name" %hich" ho%ever" he $retended he could not do till he had consulted the letter a#ain' to save him the trouble" + told him my name %as Random& U$on %hich he %ent on" 7Ay" ay" Random" Random" Random//+ think + remember the name(7 and very %ell he mi#ht" for this very individual" 0r& !rin#er" had many a time rode before my #randfather's cloak/ba#" in -uality of a footman& 7,ell"7 says he" 7you $ro$ose to #o on board a man/of/%ar as sur#eon's mate&7 + re$lied by a lo% bo%& 7+ believe it %ill be a difficult matter"7 continued he" 7to $rocure a %arrant" there bein# already such a s%arm of Scotch sur#eons at the 4avy Office" in e*$ectation of the ne*t vacancy" that the commissioners are afraid of bein# torn to $ieces" and have actually a$$lied for a #uard to $rotect them& Ho%ever" some shi$s %ill soon be $ut in commission" and then %e shall see %hat's to be done&7 So sayin#" he left me" e*ceedin#ly mortified at the

different rece$tion 0r& 2a%ky and + had met %ith from this u$start" $roud" mean member" %ho" + ima#ined" %ould have been #lad of an o$$ortunity to be #rateful for the obli#ations he o%ed to my family& At my return" + %as sur$rised %ith the a#reeable ne%s of Stra$'s bein# em$loyed" on the recommendation of his friend" the schoolmaster" by a $eri%i#/maker in the nei#hbourhood" %ho allo%ed him five shillin#s $er %eek besides bed and board& + continued to dance attendance every other mornin# at the levee of 0r& !rin#er" durin# a fortni#ht' in %hich time + became ac-uainted %ith a youn# fello% of my o%n country and $rofession" %ho also de$ended on the member's interest" but %as treated %ith much more res$ect than +" both by the servants and master" and often admitted into a $arlour" %here there %as a fire for the convenience of the better sort of those %ho %aited for him& Thither + %as never $ermitted to $enetrate" on account of my a$$earance" %hich %as not at all fashionable' but %as obli#ed to stand blo%in# my fin#ers in a cold lobby" and take the first o$$ortunity of 0r& !rin#er's #oin# to the door to s$eak %ith him& One day" %hile + en)oyed this occasion a $erson %as introduced" %hom 0r& !rin#er no sooner sa%" than" runnin# to%ards him" he saluted him %ith a lo% bo% to the very #round" and after%ards shakin# him by the hand %ith #reat heartiness and familiarity" called him his #ood friend" and asked very kindly after 0rs& Stayta$e and the youn# ladies' then" after a %his$er" %hich continued some minutes" %herein + overheard the %ord 'honour' re$eated several times %ith #reat em$hasis" 0r& !rin#er introduced me to this #entleman" as to a $erson %hose advice and assistance + mi#ht de$end u$on' and havin# #iven me his direction" follo%ed me to the door" %here he told me + need not #ive myself the trouble to call at his house any more" for 0r& Stayta$e %ould do my business& At that instant& my fello%/de$endent" comin# out after me" overheard the discourse of 0r& !rin#er" and" makin# u$ to me in the street" accosted me very civilly( this address + looked u$on as no small honour" considerin# the fi#ure he made" for he %as dressed in a blue frock %ith a button" a #reen silk %aistcoat" trimmed %ith #old" black velvet breeches" %hite silk stockin#s" silver buckles" a #old/laced hat" a s$encer/%i#" and a silver/hilted han#er" %ith a fine clouded can in his hand& 7+ $erceive"7 says he" 7you are but lately come from Scotland' $ray %hat may your business %ith 0r& !rin#er be= + su$$ose it is no secret and + may $ossibly #ive you some advice that %ill be serviceable" for + have been sur#eon's second mate on board of a seventy/#un shi$" and conse-uently kno% a #ood deal of the %orld&7 + made no scru$le to disclose my situation" %hich" %hen he had learned" he shook his head" and told me he had been $retty much" in the same circumstances about a year a#o( that he had relied on !rin#er's $romises" until his money 5%hich %as considerable6 as %ell as his credit" %as -uite e*hausted' and %hen he %rote to his relations for a fresh su$$ly" instead of money he received nothin# but re$roaches" and the e$ithets of idle" debauched fello%& That after he had %aited at the 4avy Office many months for a %arrant to no $ur$ose" he %as fain to $a%n some of his clothes" %hich raised a small sum %here%ith he bribed the secretary" %ho soon $rocured a %arrant for him" not%ithstandin# he had affirmed the same day" that there vas not one vacancy& That he had #one on board" %here he remained nine months" at the end of %hich the shi$ %as $ut out of commission" and he said the com$any %ere to be $aid off in Broad

Street the very ne*t day& That relations bein# reconciled to him" had char#ed him to $ay his devoirs re#ularly to 0r& !rin#er" %ho had informed them by letter that his interest alone had $rocured the %arrant' in obedience to %hich command he came to his levee every mornin#' as + sa%" thou#h he looked u$on him to be a very $itiful scoundrel& +n conclusion" he asked me if + had yet $assed at Sur#eons' Hall= To %hich -uestion + ans%ered" + did not so much as kno% it %as necessary& 74ecessary(7 cried he" 7Oh then + find + must instruct you( come alon# %ith me" and +'ll #ive you information about that matter&7 So Sayin#" he carried me into an ale/house" %here + called for some beer" and bread and cheese" on %hich %e breakfasted& ,hile %e sat in this $lace" he told me + must first #o to the 4avy Office" and %rite to the Board" desirin# them to order a letter for me to Sur#eon's Hall" that + mi#ht be e*amined" touchin# my skill in sur#ery& That the sur#eons" after havin# e*amined me" %ould #ive me my -ualification sealed u$ in form of a letter directed to the commissioners" %hich -ualification + must deliver to the secretary of the Board" %ho %ould o$en it in my $resence" and read the contents' after %hich + must em$loy my interest to be $rovided for as soon as $ossible& That the e*$ense of his -ualification for second mate of a third/rate" amounted to thirteen shillin#s" e*clusive of the %arrant" %hich cost him half/a/#uinea and half/a/cro%n" besides a $resent to the secretary" %hich consisted of a three/$ound t%elve $iece& This calculation %as like a thunderbolt to me" %hose %hole fortune did not amount to t%elve shillin#s& + accordin#ly made him ac-uainted %ith this $art of my distress" after havin# thanked him for his information and advice& He condoled me on this occasion' but bade me be of #ood cheer" for he had conceived a friendshi$ for me" and %ould make all thin#s easy& He %as ran out at $resent" but to/morro% or ne*t day" he %as certain of receivin# a considerable sum' of %hich he %ould lend me %hat %ould be sufficient to ans%er my e*i#encies& This frank declaration $leased me so much" that + $ulled out my $urse" and em$tied it before him" be##in# him to take %hat he $leased for $ocket/e*$ense" until he should receive his o%n money& ,ith a #ood deal of $ressin#" he %as $revailed u$on to take five shillin#s tellin# me that he mi#ht have %hat money he %anted at any time for the trouble of #oin# into the city' but as he had met %ith me" he %ould defer his #oin# thither till tomorro%" %hen + should #o alon# %ith him" and he %ould $ut me in the %ay of actin# for myself" %ithout a servile de$endence on that rascal !rin#er" much less on the tailor to %hom he heard him turn me over& 7Ho%87 cried +" 7is 0r& Stayta$e a tailor&7 74o less" + assure you"7 ans%ered he" 7and" + confess" more likely to serve you than the member' for" $rovided you can entertain him %ith $olitics and conundrums" you may have credit %ith him for as many and as rich clothes as you $lease&7 + told him" + %as utterly i#norant of both" and so incensed at !rin#er's usa#e" that + %ould never set foot %ithin his door a#ain& After a #ood deal more conversation" my ne% ac-uaintance and + $arted" havin# made an a$$ointment to meet ne*t day at the same $lace' in order to set out for the city& + %ent immediately to Stra$ and related everythin# %hich had ha$$ened" but he did not at all a$$rove of my bein# so for%ard to lend money to a stran#er" es$ecially as %e had already been so much im$osed u$on by a$$earances& 7Ho%ever"7 said he" 7if you are sure he is a Scotchman" + believe you are safe&7

!HAPTER .;+

0y ne% ac-uaintance breaks an a$$ointment//+ $roceed" by myself" to the 4avy Office//address me to a $erson there" %ho assists me %ith advice//%rite to the Board" they #rant me a letter to the Sur#eons at the Hall//am informed of the beau's name and character//find him//he makes me his confidant in an amour//desires me to $a%n my linen for his occasions//recover %hat + lent him//some curious observations on Stra$ on that occasion//his vanity& +n the mornin# + rose and %ent to the $lace of rende3vous" %here + %aited t%o hours in vain" and %as so e*as$erated a#ainst him for breakin# his a$$ointment" that + set out for the city by myself" in ho$e of findin# the villain" and bein# reven#ed on him for his breach of $romise& At len#th + found myself at the 4avy Office" %hich + entered" and sa% cro%ds of youn# fello%s %alkin# belo%" many of %hom made no better a$$earance than myself& + consulted the $hysio#nomy of each" and at last made u$ to one %hose countenance + liked" and asked" if he could instruct me in the form of the letter %hich %as to be sent to the Board to obtain an order for e*amination= He ans%ered me in broad Scotch" that he %ould sho% me the co$y of %hat he had %rit for himself" by direction of another %ho kno% the form" and accordin#ly $ulled it out of his $ocket for my $erusal' and told me that" if + %as e*$editious" + mi#ht send it into the Board before dinner" for they did no business in the afternoon& He then %ent %ith me to coffee/house hard by" %here + %rote the letter" %hich %as immediately delivered to the messen#er" %ho told me + mi#ht e*$ect an order to/morro% about the same time& Havin# transacted this $iece of business" my mind %as a #ood deal com$osed' and as + had met %ith so much civility from the stran#er" + desired further ac-uaintance %ith him" fully resolved" ho%ever" not to be deceived by him so much to my $re)udice as + had been by the beau& He a#reed to dine %ith me at the cook's sho$ %hich + fre-uented' and on our %ay thither carried me to '!han#e" %here + %as in ho$es of findin# 0r& :ackson 5for that %as the name of the $erson %ho had broke his a$$ointment6" + sou#ht him there to no $ur$ose" and on our %ay to%ards the other end of the to%n im$arted to my com$anion his behaviour to%ards me' u$on %hich he #ave me to understand" that he %as no stran#er to the name of Bean :ackson 5so he %as called at the 4avy Office6" althou#h he did not kno% him $ersonally' that he had the character of a #ood/natured careless fello%" %ho made no scru$le of borro%in# from any that %ould lend' that most $eo$le %ho kne% him believed he had a #ood $rinci$le at bottom" but his e*trava#ance %as such" he %ould $robably never have it in his $o%er to manifest the honesty of his intention& This made me s%eat for my five shillin#s" %hich + nevertheless did not alto#ether des$air of recoverin#" $rovided + could find out the debtor& This youn# man like%ise added another circumstance of S-uire :ackson's history" %hich %as" that bein# destitute of all means to

e-ui$ himself for sea" %hen he received his last %arrant" he had been recommended to a $erson %ho lent him a little money" after he had si#ned a %ill entitlin# that $erson to lift his %a#es %hen they should become due" as also to inherit his effects in case of his death& That he %as still under the tutora#e and direction of that #entleman" %ho advanced him small sums from time to time u$on this security" at the rate of fifty $er cent& But at $resent his credit %as very lo%" because his funds %ould do little more than $ay %hat he had already received" this moderate interest included& After the stran#er 5%hose name %as Thom$son6 had entertained me %ith this account of :ackson" he informed me that he himself had $assed for third mate of a third/rate" about four months a#o' since %hich time he had constantly attended at the 4avy Office" in ho$e of a %arrant" havin# been assured from the be#innin#" both by a Scotch member" and one of the commissioners to %hom the member recommended him" that he should be $ut into the first vacancy' not%ithstandin# %hich $romise" he had the mortification to see si* or seven a$$ointed in the same station almost every %eek//that no%& bein# utterly im$overished" his sole ho$e consisted in the $romise of a friend lately come to to%n" to lend him a small matter" for a $resent to the secretary' %ithout %hich he %as $ersuaded he mi#ht %ait a thousand years to no $ur$ose& + conceived a mi#hty likin# for this youn# fello%" %hich 5+ believe6 $roceeded from the similitude of our fortunes& ,e s$ent the %hole day to#ether' and as he lived at ,a$$in# + desired him to take a share of my bed& 4e*t day %e returned to the 4avy Office" %here" after bein# called before the Board" and -uestioned about the $lace of my nativity and education" they ordered a letter to be made out for me" %hich" u$on $ayin# half/a/cro%n to the clerk" + received" and delivered into the hands of the clerk at Sur#eons' Hall" to#ether %ith a shillin# for his trouble in re#isterin# my name& By this time my %hole stock %as diminished to t%o shillin#s" and + sa% not the least $ros$ect of relief" even for $resent subsistence" much less to enable me to $ay the fees at Sur#eons' Hall for my e*amination" %hich %ould come on in a fortni#ht& +n this state of $er$le*ity" + consulted Stra$" %ho assured me he %ould $a%n everythin# he had in the %orld" even to his ra3ors" before + should %ant( but this e*$edient + absolutely re)ected" tellin# him" + %ould a thousand times rather list for a soldier" of %hich + had some thou#hts" than be any lon#er a burden to him& At the %ord soldier" he #re% $ale as death" and be##ed on his knees + %ould think no more of that scheme& 72od $reserve us all in our ri#ht %its87 cried he" 7%ould you turn soldier" and $erha$s be sent abroad a#ainst the S$aniards" %here you must stand and be shot at like a %oodcock= Heaven kee$ cold lead out of my carcase" and let me die in a bed like a !hristian" as all my forefathers have done& ,hat si#nifies all earthly riches and honour" if one en)oys not content= and" hereafter" there is no res$ect of $ersons& Better be a $oor honest barber %ith a #ood conscience" and time to re$ent of my sins u$on my death/bed" than be cut off 52od bless us86 by a musket/shot" as it %ere in the very flo%er of one's a#e" in the $ursuit of riches and fame& ,hat si#nify riches" my dear friend= do they not make unto themselves %in#s and fly a%ay= as the %ise man saith& + could also mention many other sayin#s in contem$t of riches" both from the Bible and other #ood books' but + kno% you are not very fond of those thin#s" + shall only assure you" that if you take on to be a soldier" + %ill do the same' and then if %e should both be slain" you %ill not only have your o%n blood to ans%er for" but mine also( and $eradventure the lives

of all those %hom %e shall kill in battle& Therefore + $ray you" consider %hether you %ill sit do%n contented %ith small thin#s and share the fruits of my industry in $eace" till Providence shall send better tidin#s' or" by your des$air" $lun#e both our souls and bodies into everlastin# $erdition" %hich 2od of his infinite mercy forbid87 + could not hel$ smilin# at this haran#ue" %hich %as delivered %ith #reat earnestness" the tears standin# in his eyes all the time" and $romised to do nothin# of that sort %ithout his consent and concurrence& He %as much comforted %ith this declaration' and told me in a fe% days he should receive a %eek's %a#es" %hich should be at my service" but advised me in the meantime to #o in -uest of :ackson" and recover" if $ossible" %hat he had borro%ed of me& + accordin#ly trud#ed about from one end of the to%n to the other" for several days" %ithout bein# able to learn anythin# certain concernin# him( and" one day bein# e*tremely hun#ry" and allured by the steams that re#aled my nostrils from a boilin# cellar" + %ent do%n %ith an intention to #ratify my a$$etite %ith a t%o$enny%orth of beef' %hen to my no small sur$rise found 0r& :ackson sittin# at dinner %ith a footman& He no sooner $erceived me than he #ot u$ and shook me by the hands sayin#" he %as #lad to see me" for he intended to have called at my lod#in#s in the afternoon& + %as so %ell $leased at this rencounter& and the a$olo#ies he made for not kee$in# his a$$ointment" that + for#ot my resentment" and sat do%n to dinner" %ith the ha$$y e*$ectation of not only recoverin# my o%n money before %e should $art" but also of rea$in# the benefit of his $romise to lend me %here%ithal to $ass e*amination' and this ho$e my san#uine com$le*ion su##ested" thou#h the account Thom$son #ave me of him ou#ht to have moderated my e*$ectation& ,hen %e had feasted sum$tuously" he took his leave of the footman" and ad)ourned %ith me to an ale/house hard by" %here" after shakin# me by the hand a#ain" he be#an thus( 7+ su$$ose you think me a sad do#" 0r& Random" and + do confess that a$$earances are a#ainst me& But + dare say you %ill for#ive me %hen + tell you" my not comin# at the time a$$ointed %as o%in# to a $erem$tory messa#e + received from a certain lady" %hom" harkee8 5but this is a #reat secret6 + am to marry very soon& >ou think this stran#e" $erha$s" but it is not less true for all that//a five thousand $ounder" +'ll assure you" besides e*$ectations& or my o%n $art" devil take me if + kno% %hat any %oman can see en#a#in# about me//but a %him" you kno%//and then one %ould not balk one's #ood fortune& >ou sa% that footman %ho dined %ith us//he's one of the honestest fello%s that ever %ore livery& >ou must kno% it %as by his means + %as introduced to her" for he made me first ac-uainted %ith her %oman" %ho is his mistress//ay" many a cro%n has he and his s%eetheart had of my money//but %hat of that= thin#s are no% brou#ht to a bearin#& + have//5come a little this %ay6 + have $ro$osed marria#e" and the day is fi*ed//she's a charmin# creature" and %rites like an an#el8 She can re$eat all the En#lish tra#edies as %ell as ever a $layer in 9rury 1ane8/and" indeed" is so fond of $lays" that to be near the sta#e she has taken lod#in#s in a court hard by the theatre' but you shall see//you shall see//here's the last letter she sent me&7 ,ith these %ords" he $ut it into my hand" and + read 5