The search for a stable financial system is the most important thing humanity could ever research. This pursuit should be approached with absolute and unquestioning religiosity. It should be clear to everyone that crypto is the future of currency. There’s no feasible way that the value of a government-backed fiat currency can possibly compete with the perfection of blockchain technology. Because of the proof-of-work and proof-of-ownership algorithms baked into the blockchain algorithm, it would be impossible for anything else to be more reliable. There is one primary issue stopping blockchain from replacing fiat currency: it is very slow to process transactions. Bitcoin, at its current rate, is capable of making 7 Transactions per Second (TPS). For reference, Visa will process 24,000 to 65,000 TPS at its peak to process payments. Because of this unfortunate bottleneck, in order for Bitcoin to keep up with Visa and physical cash, there would need to be about a 3–...

It has long been theorized that through the addition of enough individual blockchain-based coins, or “shitcoins” as they’re colloquially called, there would be enough network capacity to account for the number of transactions made by humanity [1]. With the exception of Dogecoin, Ethereum, and a few other blockchains, only a select few are allowed to know about, cryptocurrency has suffered the same primary issue as fiat currencies such as rapidly devaluing from Pump and Dump (PD) schemes [2]. While fiat currencies may fail due to corrupt and intrinsically evil governments PDing their own currency, shitcoins are PD’d by internet personalities [3]. The only way crypto markets can survive is to rocket ship into orbit so that there are too many stakeholders who have too much to lose for the market to crash.

This unfortunate side effect of cryptocurrency is counterintuitive when the ledger blockchain system should make it the most secure and...

The basics of time dilation and blockchain are necessary to understand why we must either put a black hole at the center of the Earth or speed it up with Orbital Rotational Equatorial Rockets (ORERs) to avoid the collapse of our financial system.

2.1 Blockchain Basics

It is no secret that there is a real Bitcoin Scalability Problem (BSP) [5]. In order for blockchain technology to be trusted and decentralized, it must be enacted on a peer-to-peer network for each block. Blockchain works by allowing each block to keep track of everyone’s transactions so that each block can know who owns what, thus creating the most inefficient database on the planet. If one person sends another bitcoin user a bitcoin, not only do the mathematical hashing operations need to occur to prove the validity of the payer and recipient using public and private keys, but each link of the blockchain must be updated with the transaction history. In essence, it’s a linked list...

The configuration of the relative velocity and black hole positioning is of paramount importance. The importance couldn’t possibly be more paramount. It’s the Paramountiest+.

3.1 Rocket Earth Rotation

A differential velocity between satellites in orbit and the surface of the Earth will be no small feat. The most optimal configuration to speed up the Earth relative to the satellites is shown below in Figure 2.1.

Figure 2.1: Earth acceleration rocket configuration

For this project to proceed, we will need a massive array of booster engines near the equator. Obviously, due to the enormous heat produced from these engines, we’ll have to space them out, and it may take somewhere between minutes and centuries to achieve the required speed. I wouldn’t necessarily classify this knowledge as insider trading, but land near the equator in South America and Africa may become extremely valuable. It will be possible in some parts of...

We backtracked the calculations of different speedups for our bitcoin server satellites and calculated the parameters for our GRAVITY and ROTATE simulations. The required mass and velocity for each speedup is shown in Table 2. Don’t panic, this is potentially achievable.

There’s a lot to unpack here. Many might think this effort fruitless as there is absolutely no way we could achieve enough fuel or black hole mass to generate the gravitational or velocity effects to produce the required time dilation effects. To those haters, I say look at the upside! If we just put in one large upfront effort, we will easily multiply our profits and processing potential by 10,000 for the rest of the history of humanity. I think it’s at least worth trying and finding a path to achieve our financial dreams. Think about what power processing we will have when we incorporate AI!

5.1 Packing on Mass

Whether it’s the mass of the fuel required to speed up the Earth or the mass to create the black hole, for this time dilation scheme to work, we need to pack on a lot of mass. We’re not talking about a little mass; we’re talking about 2,159 times the mass of the Sun. It’s easy to relatively pack on mass within...

Who cares if the Earth falls apart from a collapsing black hole or angular momentum if we’re all making money!

We are living in the crypto age, so it’s time to adjust our lives to our new currency and leave the old ways of fiat currency in the past. With a small investment of ~4.29e33 kg of black hole or an unspecified amount of rocket fuel, we could solve the BSP once and for all without endangering our bottom line with misguided government institutions. Invest now and maybe you could get a small stake in our satellite-based bitcoin processing constellation!

1. Celeste Lightweaver, 2022. More Avenues of Success: A Shitcoin Methodology for Blockchainification of Global Monetary Policy :: Proof of Work Quarterly
2. Baroness Fifi Cumberbund, 2023. Analysis of the Pump and Dump: Why do Shitcoins Fail so Fast? :: Journal of Blockchainology
3. Theodosius P. Opulentworthy, 2021. Can YouTube Virility Prop up the Blockchain? No, and a few other bad Internet Ideas :: Memecoin Monthly
4. Lord Marmaduke Stashington, 2022. Avoiding the Visa Transaction Fee: Methodology for Getting Rid of the World’s Biggest Unaddressed Monopoly :: The Quarterly Ledger
5. The Bitcoin Scalability Problem. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bitcoin_scalability_problem
6. Sir Winthrop Treasury-Bottom, 2024. An Oligarchic Solution to Removing Government from Currency :: The Decentralized Times
7. Tess R. Actor, 2023. The Realistic Orbital and Tangential Acceleration Testing Environment (ROTATE): A Simulation for Day Shortening and other...