{"@attributes":{"version":"2.0"},"channel":{"title":"lena austen.","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/","description":"lena austen. - LiveJournal.com","lastBuildDate":"Sun, 30 Oct 2011 06:36:35 GMT","generator":"LiveJournal \/ LiveJournal.com","image":{"url":"https:\/\/l-userpic.livejournal.com\/105813295\/29814352","title":"lena austen.","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/","width":"100","height":"100"},"item":[{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/8328.html","pubDate":"Sun, 30 Oct 2011 06:36:35 GMT","title":"[ooc] happy birthday, lucas lorenzo spencer.","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/8328.html","description":"She could not just decide on one gift, so she decided to get him more than one.

The following of which, but are not limited to:

\u2725 Woody (Toy Story) Cake<\/a>.

\u2725 Lunch party held at the Crowbar, where everyone else can give him gifts. She can share, okay.

\u2725 She will have stolen the medallion she gave him for Christmas, sneaky and ninja-like, to have something engraved on the back of it. You can never get rid of me now. Love, Lena.<\/i>

\u2725 Guitar pick signed by none other than Aerosmith's front man, Steven Tyler<\/a>. Do not ask how she was able to get that guitar pick. No, really. Don't.

But before all this, she would wake him up at midnight for a roadtrip. Yeah. 8)","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/8328.html?view=comments#comments","category":["entry [gift]","featuring [lucky spencer]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/7116.html","pubDate":"Wed, 13 Jul 2011 03:38:42 GMT","title":"[for oneminutelonger]","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/7116.html","description":"


I had one when I was very little.

Long ago in the days of the ancestors, some of the children of the people were having strange, frightening dreams. It was determined air could carry the dreams. A woman named Grandmother Spider, friend to a shaman, said she could weave a special web that only wanted dreams can escape down to the dreamer.

And so she did, and the first Dreamcatcher was made.

I hope it helps.

Love,
Lena<\/i><\/center>","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/7116.html?view=comments#comments","category":["featuring [dylan hunter]","verse [blinding light]","entry [gift]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/6847.html","pubDate":"Mon, 11 Jul 2011 02:02:45 GMT","title":"[fic] and love will not break your heart.","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/6847.html","description":"[Another fic written with love for <\/a>yetregressing<\/b><\/a><\/span>, who gave me the following prompt: I've been down and out, I've been spinning for so long. I store my shame in my belly.<\/i>

It's worth noting this fic takes place two years ago.]<\/small>


Lena gets the call at five in the morning.

\u201cLeens,\u201d he says, as if an affectionate pet name will change the fact they broke up two weeks ago and he was screaming in her ear and breaking promises left and right.

It shouldn\u2019t be allowed, someone\u2019s voice holding that much power over another through the phone. But he\u2019s always had that talent. Lena inwardly recoils at the sound of his voice and for a split second, she\u2019s back on the floor and he\u2019s standing over her, a ring of fire holding them in place.

\u201cTo what do I owe this pleasure?\u201d

Sarcasm--the most basic and usually effective form of self-preservation.

\u201cI need your help.\u201d

Need.<\/i>

Later on in life, Lena will learn need isn\u2019t love.

She hasn\u2019t learned yet.

Need isn\u2019t love and hurt isn\u2019t love and his way of needing her isn\u2019t enough.

It\u2019s not enough but it\u2019s all they have.

Lena straightens up in her bed and lets herself listen cautiously as he starts in on an old-worn story. Rick Wilde is up to his neck covered in debts, you see. He\u2019s broke out of his ass and there\u2019s the rent to pay and they\u2019re gonna come for him, they\u2019re gonna kill him, and she can find it in herself to help him, can\u2019t she? You understand, don\u2019t you, Lena? I miss you and I need you.<\/i> She says she doesn\u2019t have that kind of money.

She can\u2019t ask for it, either. She\u2019s still proving herself again. Thanks to him<\/i>.

Come on.<\/i> Help your old boyfriend out, it\u2019s not like you\u2019ve never stolen before.

It takes her only a minute to understand what he\u2019s asking of her.

\u201cI don\u2019t\u2014you can\u2019t\u2014\u201d Lena will later punish herself for sounding so small and meek.

She\u2019s stronger than that now. She doesn\u2019t need<\/i> him anymore.

(But she does.)

\u201cI don\u2019t do that anymore.\u201d Not unless it was already stolen first. She\u2019s working at the Crowbar now. They do good<\/i> things. \u201cI\u2019m not\u2014I am not<\/i> that person anymore.\u201d If she was still that person they wouldn\u2019t love her. They wouldn\u2019t let her stay here. She\u2019s not.

She\u2019s not.<\/i>

Even as she\u2019s saying these words Lena knows she can\u2019t refuse him. She hasn\u2019t in the past and she won\u2019t this time.

\u201cLena. You\u2019re the only<\/i> one I trust. Please. You gotta help me.\u201d

And you can walk away from your past, but it\u2019s not always possible to walk away from the people that were a part of it. Not for good.

Not when they ask for your help.

Not when they\u2019re at the edge and you\u2019ve been there, too.

As much as Lena likes to forget what she\u2019s done, she can never really escape who she\u2019s been\u2014who she can still be\u2014and where she once came from. A part of her will always carry that with her. She can\u2019t escape the fact she was in a band of thieves. She can\u2019t escape that she\u2019s done terrible things and is capable of even more than stealing. She can\u2019t escape she was once in love with this man and she was all he had.

Lena Austen was once an accomplished thief, and it\u2019s easy to forget when it\u2019s lost in bright smiles and cheerful dispositions. It\u2019s easier to show happiness than it is to show pain.

She tells herself it doesn\u2019t matter. The Lena that would steal, the Lena that\u2019s hurt others and herself, that\u2019s a different Lena, not the one she is now.

It\u2019s with hastened movements that Lena gets dressed, and she\u2019s barely slid into her jeans when she\u2019s moving toward the stairs. The sun has not come up when she steps outside of the bar, and once she makes it to the motel he specified, she finds she can\u2019t get her feet to move. She can\u2019t, for the life of her, take a step forward. Her limbs are shaky, and the feeling\u2014the self-loathing and the doubt and the dread<\/i>\u2014is so familiar she almost turns around and leaves.

Her lungs are failing her, and courage is failing her, and she has to remember to keep breathing. You\u2019re not that person anymore, Lena,<\/i> she tells herself as her knuckles remain poised against the wooden door. You don\u2019t miss him. You don\u2019t miss any of it.<\/i>

She still can\u2019t bring herself to knock.

It\u2019s all wrong. All of this, it\u2019s wrong. This isn\u2019t her life anymore; she doesn\u2019t have to be<\/i> here. She left it behind, she left and tried not to look back, how<\/i> is it she ends up back here, and by choice, at that?

Her worlds have bled into each other and she wants them as separate as possible.

But you have to choose.<\/i>

And yet.

Yet.

What if he ends up dead?

What if they really kill him this time, and he\u2019s reached out to her, and she turned away from him? What if he can still be saved?

It turns out she doesn\u2019t have to knock. The door is unlocked, and she pushes it open a fraction.

The smell of nicotine and absinthe pervades throughout the room. He\u2019s barely standing, swaying to the side, and he reaches for her hand to pull her into the room.

\u201cI knew you\u2019d come,\u201d he says, and it almost sounds like a victory.

He\u2019s holding a bottle of whiskey and lifts it in her direction, stumbling toward her.

She hates herself just a little bit more when she reaches for it.","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/6847.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/6309.html","pubDate":"Mon, 04 Jul 2011 22:21:01 GMT","title":"[beyondtherift][locked to lucky]","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/6309.html","description":"Lucky? I went to check in on you but you weren't there anymore so I figured you'd shifted back.

I know you probably want to be left alone but I just want to know if you're okay.

I'm outside your room.

We don't have to talk about this at all, I promise. :(","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/6309.html?view=comments#comments","category":["entry [ic]","verse [btr]","subject [lucky's name is ironic]","featuring [lucky spencer]","journal [locked]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/6036.html","pubDate":"Sat, 02 Jul 2011 02:01:53 GMT","title":"[appropriate locks, public otherwise]","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/6036.html","description":"Has anyone seen Lucky Spencer?

I can't find him. We were supposed to meet earlier in the afternoon and I haven't seen him all day. It's not like him to not let me know he'd be running late, at least.

I'm probably just being overbearing and I'll try not to jump to the worst conclusions here, but if someone's seen him, please let me know?","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/6036.html?view=comments#comments","category":["subject [lucky's name is ironic]","featuring [lucky spencer]","journal [entry]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/5542.html","pubDate":"Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:37:02 GMT","title":"[meta] I HAD TO.","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/5542.html","description":"


You Are Helter Skelter<\/a><\/strong>
<\/font><\/td><\/tr>\n

<\/center>

You are loud, rebellious, and prone to make a bit of a scene.

You have major problems with authority. You hate being told what to do.

You are independent and adventurous. Life is a wild ride, and you aren't afraid to jump on the roller coaster.

You are outrageous, honest, and sometimes shocking. You say what you feel and expect the same of others.
<\/font><\/td><\/tr><\/table>
What Beatles Song Are You?<\/a><\/div>
Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!<\/a><\/div>","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/5542.html?view=comments#comments","category":["entry [meme]","verse [any]","subject [lena likes the beatles]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/5298.html","pubDate":"Fri, 27 May 2011 05:46:27 GMT","title":"[closed] it's a small crime and i've got no excuse. is that alright?","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/5298.html","description":"Lucky's out like a light and she's grateful he's getting the much needed sleep. She thinks almost everyone's asleep, though she'd bet her life on Sonny being up looking over paperwork and making sure the Crowbar's in better condition than when they first arrived. She needs to talk to him and she will, but she doesn't want to leave Lucky just yet. Lena always needs less sleep than he does, and even then, she's a person that belongs to the night. Some people are morning people. They're up once the birds start chirping and just after the sun's risen.

Lena's a night person. She always will be.

There's something comforting about that not changing.

She sits beside his sleeping form, one of her hands curled gently into his hair. The bed itself is pressed against the wall. She has a perfect view outside the window. Her index finger lifts up to pull away the curtain and she can see the alleyway from here. That's where... that's where.

They sleep and they get the rest they need over the next couple of days. They'll likely eat lunch with the whole family but Lena isn't planning on staying in her room for good. Before she leaves, she's going to go over to Sonny's office, with a small piece of lemon meringue pie Lou made. She just doesn't want to leave without having talked to Sonny, explaining to him that her not staying doesn't mean their estrangement is back on.

At least, she hopes not.","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/5298.html?view=comments#comments","category":["featuring [sonny]","verse [btr]","featuring [lucky spencer]","entry [log]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/4699.html","pubDate":"Wed, 11 May 2011 03:16:41 GMT","title":"[locked to Charlie]","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/4699.html","description":"Hi.

John said you helped to look for me.

I'm so sorry you got roped into this, Charlie.","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/4699.html?view=comments#comments","category":["featuring [charlie wellman]","journal [locked]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3861.html","pubDate":"Fri, 01 Apr 2011 04:20:13 GMT","title":"[locked to those that know her] PSA of sorts","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3861.html","description":"Happy April 1st.

I regret nothing John and I may or may not do throughout the entirety of this day. Have a good one. :)","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3861.html?view=comments#comments","category":"journal [entry]"},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3590.html","pubDate":"Tue, 29 Mar 2011 19:55:52 GMT","title":"[rp-locked] all the world is spinning inside my head tonight.","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3590.html","description":"Lena slept for two days straight. From the moment she said she'd crash, she let herself fall into deep sleep, her head hammering with a painful migraine that wouldn't go away no matter what, and it's only until over forty-eight hours later she resurfaces from that sleep. She doesn't remember crying, but her pillow is wet with tear tracks, and she feels vaguely disoriented when she wakes. The clock on her nightstand lets her know it is nearing three in the morning, and she sits up straight, waiting until the feeling returns to her bones. The feeling her body is hers<\/i>, and it's strange how she has been more grounded and stable now than she's been in years, but her body comes to remind her that it's not always true. She feels more energy and stability than she has in days, but she knows it's only stage one--and stage one is the easiest.

Glancing at the clock again, she closes her eyes and stretches. She takes a long shower to regain the strength back in her muscles, brushes her teeth and changes into fresh clothes, and by the time she's making her way down the stairs, it's three-thirty. There's only one other person that'll be awake at this hour, she knows. Well, there's also Gates, but Gates will be in his room, working on profiling the bomber, most likely.

Lena knows Sonny will have been worried about her and more importantly, she'd been worried about him<\/i>, so she doesn't waste time going to his office.

Surely enough, he's there.

But then again, he always is. There's a comfort that comes with that, as much as she'd like it that he not be cooped up in his office. He's gotten a lot better with that lately, so maybe there's hope.

\"You know,\" she says while leaning against the door frame, fully aware she is being the queen of double standards. It's mostly to be teasing. \"Despite evidence to the contrary, you are not a Bat.\"","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3590.html?view=comments#comments","category":["featuring [sonny]","verse [btr]","entry [log]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3575.html","pubDate":"Thu, 17 Mar 2011 01:12:18 GMT","title":"[multiple locks][what :|]","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3575.html","description":"[Locked to Parker]<\/b>

Ready to be a ninja?

[Locked to Charlie]<\/b>

I'd say this isn't to check up on you, but this is me, checking up on you.
How've you been?

[Locked to Lucky]<\/b>

I updated my list. ;)","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3575.html?view=comments#comments","category":["featuring [charlie wellman]","subject [lucky's name is ironic]","featuring [lucky spencer]","featuring [parker]","journal [locked]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3303.html","pubDate":"Sat, 05 Mar 2011 00:12:22 GMT","title":"[ooc; spamming yo flists] character expression meme","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3303.html","description":"
The Character Expression Meme<\/i><\/font><\/center>
Character:<\/b> Lena Austen
Journal:<\/b> <\/a>willnotbemine<\/b><\/a><\/span>
RPG:<\/b> <\/a>beyondtherift<\/b><\/a><\/span><\/center>

\n
.happy.<\/td>.sad.<\/td>.angry.<\/td>.scared.<\/td><\/tr>\n
<\/td><\/td><\/td><\/td><\/tr>\n
.disgusted.<\/td>.surprised.<\/td>.flirty.<\/td>.sexual.<\/td><\/tr>\n
<\/td><\/td><\/td><\/td><\/tr>\n
.confused.<\/td>.shy.<\/td>.playful.<\/td>.rage.<\/td><\/tr>\n
<\/td><\/td><\/td><\/td><\/tr>\n
.hurt.<\/td>.guilty.<\/td>.bored.<\/td>.laughing.<\/td><\/tr>\n
<\/td><\/td><\/td><\/td><\/tr>\n
.sarcastic.<\/td>.tired.<\/td>.wtf.<\/td>.pride.<\/td><\/tr>\n
<\/td><\/td><\/td><\/td><\/tr>\n
.sympathy.<\/td>.evil.<\/td>.innocent.<\/td>.in love.<\/td><\/tr>\n
<\/td><\/td><\/td><\/td><\/tr>\n
YOUR<\/td>FOUR<\/td>FAVORITE<\/td>ICONS<\/td><\/tr>\n
<\/td><\/td><\/td><\/td><\/tr><\/table>


WANT TO DO IT TOO?<\/b><\/font>
Snag yourself the coding here<\/a>.<\/center><\/center><\/center>","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3303.html?view=comments#comments","category":["entry [meme]","entry [ooc]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3069.html","pubDate":"Fri, 04 Mar 2011 21:53:43 GMT","title":"[locked to silvr_moonbeams]","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3069.html","description":"You busy?","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/3069.html?view=comments#comments","category":["verse [unnamed]","featuring [dean winchester]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/2641.html","pubDate":"Fri, 25 Feb 2011 23:27:59 GMT","title":"[sunday_reveries] i'm terrified i can't fix this. that this is just who i am. ","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/2641.html","description":"[Companion piece to this fic right here.<\/a> Possibly triggering content, there is no happiness here; totally, totally AU.]<\/small>

\u201cI had the strangest dream,\u201d she tells Lucky one night. The nights she slips quietly into his room to sleep with him are more common than the nights where she doesn\u2019t. \u201cIt used to be a recurring dream back home, years ago. Before I ever came to Chicago. I stopped having it and then yesterday, it came back again. It was so strange.\u201d

She\u2019s stolen another one of his shirts. His arm is around her waist, tucking her against his chest. She likes it there. \u201cWhat was the dream about?\u201d he asks her, thumb resting lightly into the ink at her hip, right into the heart of the crescent moon star tattoo she has there. Whenever they kiss for hours and hours and her shirt\u2014his shirt\u2014rises up her waist, his thumb usually ends up there.

Lena half-wonders if he ever notices.

\u201cI\u2019m running along this narrow street. I can\u2019t see where I\u2019m headed or where the road stops because these\u2026 veils keep blocking my view.\u201d The crescent moon is a symbol of faith. \u201cVeils of all colors. I keep getting wrapped up in them. I can never see where I\u2019m going. But sometimes I don\u2019t mind.\u201d

He doesn\u2019t answer her immediately, but she feels his mouth hovering near her ear. She thinks the most beautiful thing about them is they are uncompromising in their determination to never hurt each other.

\u201cI think what this means, Ms. Austen, is that we\u2019re up for another adventure soon.\u201d

\u201cBut not in Antarctica,\u201d Lena reminds him, shifting in place and turning back to look at him. His fingers remain on the moon. She smiles at him and he smiles at her. She kisses him. And kisses him some more. When he speaks again, it\u2019s whispered into her skin and it feels like a promise all over again.

\u201cBut not in Antarctica.\u201d

---

They never get to their adventure.

Sonny and Lena are closest to a strong reset than they have been in years, and Gates must tag along with them to make sure they don\u2019t slip\u2014either with other people or with each other. They\u2019re all Glaysas, they understand in a way others can\u2019t, and the younger a Glaysa is, the more difficult to keep emotions around them from becoming too overwhelming.

It\u2019d be so easy to crack, after all this time of fighting.

The tension has been thick at the bar lately, with their two cases opened, and it\u2019s evidently starting to get to them.

Lena finds herself scratching at her skin without noticing when she started to do so.

Gates blacks out every other night from all the liquor bottles he\u2019s been emptying.

Sonny\u2019s being taunted by Jolene every which way.

It\u2019ll be fine<\/i>, she says to Lucky, placing a quick kiss on his lips. It\u2019ll be fine<\/i>, and she gets into the car along with the other two men, until Lucky, John, and Zoe are small dots in the rear view mirror, waving them off.

---

They never get to their cabin located in a remote place just outside of Cicero.

Their car is intercepted by three vans halfway there, and Gates is disarmed before the doors are forcibly opened. He\u2019s shot in the arm and Sonny\u2019s caught in the shoulder, the car jerking off to the side and crashing right into a tree.

Blackness swims along the edges of her vision and she only faintly remembers being hauled out of the car and tossed into a trunk.

When Lena wakes, she\u2019s in a cage in a four-walled room. The lights are off and there aren\u2019t any windows. She starts to lose sense of time, doesn\u2019t know if it is day or if it is night. She isn\u2019t given food, she isn\u2019t told where she is, and the door doesn\u2019t open at all for over twenty-four hours while she\u2019s left in withdrawal.

At first, she has no idea Jolene is behind this. Jolene has zero interest in her, after all, only visits Gates and Sonny\u2019s rooms to taunt them both at different intervals. The object they\u2019d been after is now in their possession, stolen right from under the Crowbar\u2019s noses, and Jolene wants to test it out on her favorite subjects. It\u2019s only a coincidence they\u2019re nearing a reset, really. A delicious coincidence. She wants to see how far she can push the elastic band before it snaps.

Lena violently shakes the cage as she hears their yelling.

They were only supposed to be gone for two days and it has been three.

Their phones are left in the middle of the woods, red lights blinking with the reminder of a dozen unanswered calls.

---

Lena has met all the Saints, at least in passing, throughout her twisted friendship with Kay.

She\u2019s only ever been scared of one.

Viktor circles her cage now, kicks the bars once she fails to acknowledge his presence. He must know she wouldn\u2019t talk willingly. She swallows past the panic rising up her throat like bile, swallows the urge to vomit as he kneels down before her, steel bars the only thing between them. She spits on his face and he backhands her with enough force her neck snaps. Every four hours, without fail, one of the goons enters the room to \u2018keep her company.\u2019

She starts to think she\u2019ll go mad here.

Sonny isn\u2019t cooperating, Jolene informs Viktor. She is in the room next door with him, and she\u2019s a bit sore he isn\u2019t playing her game, you see. It\u2019s the first glimpse Lena catches of the woman, and the sheer hatred that boils inside of Lena has her shaking with it.

Viktor\u2019s piercing blue eyes stare right into Lena, lip curling disdainfully.

Jolene is a Wanderer, but she\u2019s more valuable than she is disgusting in his eyes\u2014and for the time being, their alliance is a necessary evil. Lena isn\u2019t valuable in his eyes. She\u2019s merely Wanderer<\/i> and they have no place in this world. In his<\/i> world. He yanks her arm out of the cage and rolls up the sleeve of her shirt. He asks Andrei to bring him one of his sharpest knives and starts carving a message for Sonny, for the world, into her arm. Filth<\/i>.

That\u2019s all Wanderers are.

Filth.

She resists making a noise, conscious of the fact it\u2019s for Sonny to hear, and Viktor digs the blade deep enough to cut to the bone.

Blood spills out of her arm and drips down to the floor.

Lena screams and Sonny folds.

---

Whenever they want them quiet, they keep them sedated.

They aren\u2019t ever allowed to see each other, only hear the other scream.

Sonny is the one less messed with in that sense, appealing to his greater sense of guilt. Jolene knows him well enough to know nothing will drive him crazy more than having his family ripped apart around him while he, himself, remains untouched. Lena\u2019s only thrown into Sonny\u2019s room once the Calling is too strong to deny and he\u2019s begging her to give into it.

She uses her powers for the first time in ten years, nails digging into his arm as if punishing them both for it.

Sonny tells Viktor he\u2019ll rip his heart out.

Before the week is over, he does.

---

They don\u2019t manage to escape.

Instead, once they\u2019re on the brink of losing it completely, Jolene decides to let them go. They won\u2019t be any more fun if they\u2019re broken completely, and she is the one with the upper hand now. She doesn\u2019t lose anything by releasing them. They can\u2019t come after her\u2014not while she\u2019s in possession of the object, not while she has the society backing her up.

The great and all-knowing Sonny has been reduced to nothing more than her play thing.

How does it feel?<\/i> she asks before they\u2019re sent off by her goons.

Sonny\u2019s never scared Lena until that weekend.

She\u2019s never scared herself until that weekend, either.

---

When they find a phone booth, all Lena wants to do is hear Lucky\u2019s voice.

She ends up hearing John\u2019s instead, and he\u2019s delivering bad news before they can deliver their own. It\u2019s the first time she sees Gates cry. It\u2019s not the first time she sees Sonny struggle with the demon, always, always struggling. Her reaction should be screaming. Somewhere inside her, she is, but on the outside, it\u2019s as if she does not react at all.

She hates this world. She hates Jolene. She hates herself. She hates<\/i>.

The rest is a haze. Lena doesn\u2019t know how they get home, or what Sonny and Gates both said to her on the way over. Reassuring words, most likely. Concerned words, most likely. She can\u2019t remember. It\u2019s all sucked in by the dull ache in her chest, by the dull ache in her mind, and the rest is just pieces.

She wanted to hear Lucky\u2019s voice. She wanted to see<\/i> him but she wasn\u2019t prepared for what she was met with. He looks the way she feels. He feels the way she knows. He helps her into the shower and she cries in the crook of his neck, scalding water hot on her back.

Her heart\u2019s left torn open on the ground of the bathroom floor, and there\u2019s the distinct understanding that what has been lost is never going to be found again.

---

\u201cI was dreaming,\u201d she says to Lou, eyes half-closed. The room spins, colors looping around each other until she\u2019s blocking the harsh light of the room with an arm on her face. \u201cIf you can call it that.\u201d

Lou turns the lights off. The only light remaining is the one in the corridor. Lena can make out his shadow from where she lays, hears the shuffling of his movements as he walks back and forth, picking up her things. He sits down beside her. He picks up her arm. She doesn\u2019t protest.

It\u2019s been weeks. Tonight, she doesn\u2019t know where Lucky is.

\u201cWhat was the dream about?\u201d

\u201cI dreamed of the fire again.\u201d Her voice is glassy, distant. Almost not there. She can feel it. Feel the cracks in her mind. Rasping, rasping, rasping. \u201cOnly we were the trees. All of us. The trees were screaming. The fire spread throughout the forest. The trees were screaming but no one could hear them. So they kept burning.\u201d

His fingers trace the letters carved into her arm. He healed the wounds but he couldn\u2019t make that disappear.

\u201cWhat was left of the forest?\u201d

Lena is quiet as she shifts to her side and regards the empty space beside her. \u201cNothing.\u201d","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/2641.html?view=comments#comments","category":["featuring [sonny]","featuring [the saints]","featuring [lucky spencer]","verse [au]","featuring [christopher gates]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/2544.html","pubDate":"Thu, 24 Feb 2011 04:53:48 GMT","title":"[Locked to the Crowbar[includes new recruits]\/AWAY FROM SONNY]","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/2544.html","description":"Seriously, someone get him to stop, my room cannot handle any more sticky notes.","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/2544.html?view=comments#comments","category":["featuring [crowbar]","verse [btr]","journal [locked]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/1754.html","pubDate":"Thu, 20 Jan 2011 04:41:13 GMT","title":"[fic] can't live proud enough to die when i'm gone. ","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/1754.html","description":"title:<\/b> louder than guns
characters:<\/b> Lena, brief cameo by Sonny, some NPCs.
summary:<\/b> Lena finally does what she failed to do a year ago and hands her asshole ex-boyfriend to her boss. ALSO, I don't think this is particularly trigger-y but it has violence, mentions of abuse, SO... proceed with caution? :x
notes:<\/b> This takes place immediately after muse gate and Sonny\/John having their conversation. A fic with John's POV will further explain everything that's going on. The quotes I've highlighted were not<\/i> written by me. They were written by Rizzy's characters. Speaking of which, Sonny and Rick (who is not in game but was Lena's boyfriend) are both Rizzy's, and I used them both without permission. The latter more so than the former. But she'll forgive me so that's okay. :x



\"I have to do this,\" she says, voice leaving no room for uncertainty.

Lena isn't surprised she's met with Sonny's initial skepticism. It has nothing to do with trust or lack thereof and everything to do with risk. Once too much has been lost, precautions become a lifeline, a stipulation, a self-imposed demand. There never seems to be a balance between too careful and not careful enough.

Impulsiveness is a gift of hers.

A gift of theirs.

But not lately.

The Crowbar going on missions is nothing if not ordinary. They're a rag tag group of angels and demons fighting what the Rift shoves Chicago's way whenever they can. There used to be ten of them. Now there are five. They're a broken family that is still a family.

They don't save the day and they don't follow rules and they don't get any credit.

But sometimes they make a difference. That's why she's here, isn't it? Aside from Sonny and the others being her family, that is why she is here. She wants to be better than what she was made to be. She wants to do good things in a less than ideal world. It's a world that makes Callings like hers and kills people like Frank and Tim.

She wants to rise above the demon's needs and find her own.

\"I kept going back but I said I was done this time. I meant it.\"

I understand loving someone who consistently hurts you in the worst ways. I understand giving them another chance when they really shouldn't... deserve it.

I don't think any less of you for loving that person. I just wish... I wish you didn't have to deal with him anymore. I wish when you say you're going to cut someone out of your life for good, it was that easy. As easy as saying it.<\/i><\/blockquote>

\"I have<\/i> to.\" Lena sits across from him, the distance none too great, and keeps her intentions bare. The distance seems longer some days and shorter on others. It depends on many factors, none of which she could begin to list, but the chasm remains. Loss kills things. \"I couldn't a year ago. I was blind or stupid or a combination of both, I don't know.\"

The wings itch painfully underneath her shoulder blades. She feels the prickling of the feathers, signaling a need, signaling the end that will inevitably come. This way lies madness and not much else. She doesn't want anyone to follow her into it. \"If going back to him, for just this one night, means I can close the case and finish what I failed to do for you a year ago--I want to do it. I'm ready now.\"

He meets her gaze and she sees the conflicting emotions there. She'll do it anyway, but it's always been important to get his permission first. He's more than a leader to her. He's a father to her. \"Sonny, I'm ready now.\"

---

Lena keeps trinkets on her nightstand.

Some of them belong to their deceased loved ones. Some of them belong to those that are fortunately still here. All of them are mixed together. Dead or alive, they're all still family. Frank's hat is next to a tattered copy of the The Velveteen Rabbit.<\/i> The Velveteen Rabbit<\/i> is beside a figurine of Godzilla. The figurine of Godzilla is in front of Cody's self-made i-pod. Cody's i-pod is next to Ginny's beanie and a picture of Lena and Zoe.

She goes through each and every one of them before she dresses into something entirely inappropriate, slips on the ring Rick gave her a year ago, and exits the Crowbar.

When you give your heart to someone, you don't do it in a second. So when you take it back again, it doesn't happen all at once. Because you hope it will be different. Because when it was good, it was fucking great.<\/i><\/blockquote>

Rick spends most of his time at a smoky lounge. It's hidden between two seemingly unused warehouses, its soundproof building drowning out the music bleeding out of its walls. Concealing the swirl of smoke and sin and absinthe.

She's been here before.

She can remember, clear as day, the grief and the need for self-destruction that brought her here. She can remember it being only days after they buried over half their family she found her way in, in search for something to tear apart, and she found Rick instead.

Loud, loud music, endless supplies of alcohol, and friends in both high and low places. She steps into the lounge on her own. She isn't completely<\/i> alone, but that's how it's supposed to look. There's a van waiting for her like she agreed, or Sonny would have never consented in the first place, most likely. If Rick wasn't already half-way drunk out of his mind, he'd remember this is all too similar to the strip joint mission.

She pushes past the throng of dancers, sweat and nicotine clinging to their skin and rubbing against hers. She pretends she doesn't see him, pretends she doesn't notice he has two bimbos flanking either of his sides, that he's groping at them with little to no regard as to who is watching.

Lena's only half-surprised when she doesn't feel anything.

She isn't surprised, period, when he comes up from behind her minutes later, pretending he wasn't with anyone at all.

She doesn't know how she never got tired of so much pretending.

---

I feel the same way about you. It's why it's so hard to know... to see what-- what you've had for the last how ever long you've been with that guy. You deserve better.

You deserve so much better.<\/i><\/blockquote>

The night is young and unforgivably cold, and she feels that chill like a jolt to the chest the moment she steps outside. She makes it a point to walk away from the club and closer to the empty warehouse beside it. Lena knows he's following.

Rick's arm snakes around her waist and before she can take another breath, her back is flat against the wall. She doesn't know where the attraction went but it isn't there anymore. She doesn't know how she feels about that.

Lena swallows thickly, suppressing the urge to push away.

He notices. \"What's the matter?\" he murmurs, forehead brushing against her neck.

\"I fought with Sonny,\" she says with a grimace he can't see, and the lie doesn't hurt. She's not an angel, she isn't meant to do good things, and the lie feels like one he's supposed to trust. \"He doesn't know I'm here. He doesn't... understand.\" The words are so practiced, they come off like a script in her head, and how many times did she say<\/i> this and actually mean it? \"He doesn't see you the way I do. He doesn't know<\/i> you the way I do.\"

Her heart pounds inside her chest, wires on her skin cold, like steel. \"What about that guy--\"

Panic climbs up her throat. She reminds herself the person he's referring to, the last time they saw each other, is hiding under a bed in his fox form. Unaware and safe from him. \"There's no guy. No one else,\" she assures, and this time she meets him, mouth opening against his. Willing him to forget, to never wonder, to never bring anyone but her into this.

This.

She doesn't have a name for what this is.

She can safely say she doesn't want it anymore, and when the kiss turns forceful, her hand slowly reaches for the needle in her pocket.

Self-preservation warns her it can't be that easy. Then again, Lena has a track record of dancing the masochistic tango. Coming back. Always coming back. Rick has no way of knowing things have genuinely changed. \"What took you so long?\" he asks, and he has a talent for persuasion, he does. His voice is soft and smooth; one would never see the attack coming until the sting is irreversible.

\"I was scared.\" That's not a lie. \"Until I remembered how short life is. How I don't have a lot of time.\"

That's not a lie, either. \"In the end, maybe none of us do, but for me it's like an hourglass. I don't want to waste time. I want to do right by the people I love.\"

His fingers dig into her waist. Lena closes her eyes and counts to ten. Her hand plunges the syringe into his neck and he backpedals with a small yelp. There's a moment, the barest of moments, where he seems genuinely hurt. It doesn't last, and once the realization settles in, his hand is sluggishly backhanding her across the face. Rick is wearing that ring, the one he always wears, the one that cuts into her cheek as if a reminder.

Black blood drips down her neck and she isn't scared.

It's the first time Lena hits him back.

He's always been stronger, faster, bigger than her. It's easy to prey on someone that isn't as big as you. Someone that loves you. He's slowed down by the liquid now coursing to his veins, and she uses that to her advantage. \"Forever, remember?\" he hisses into her ear. \"We'll be doing this forever.\"

Her knee lifts itself into his stomach and she lands another solid punch to the jaw.

\"You're going to regret this,\" Rick calls out after her, spitting blood across the pavement. Lena slips the ring off her finger and tosses it his way. It falls to next to his feet, one of the stones cracked at the edges. \"No, I won't.\"

Lena keeps walking, only coming to a stop in front of Sonny. Gates is behind him. Gates is always behind him. She ignores the shouting behind her.

\"He's all yours.\"","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/1754.html?view=comments#comments","category":["entry [fic]","featuring [sonny]","featuring [rick]","verse [btr]","featuring [christopher gates]"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/1313.html","pubDate":"Sun, 16 Jan 2011 10:03:40 GMT","title":"[locked to sonny]","author":"willnotbemine","link":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/1313.html","description":"how are<\/s>

Lucky's ironic name strikes again.

He's been infected by a muse.

Anything I can do?","comments":"https:\/\/willnotbemine.livejournal.com\/1313.html?view=comments#comments","category":["subject [musegate]","subject [lucky's name is ironic]","journal [locked]"]}]}}