Glogmas: Argu the Alchemist (Dungeon Merchant)

Crawling through the dungeon you meet a strange dwarf with stone grey skin and unnerving white eyes. He calls himself Argu the Alchemist, but knows nothing of the art. He will trade information for information. Tell him about a monster, plant or danger in the dungeon and he will tell you something equally useful that he knows. However what he is really seeking is corpses, rare plants or strange minerals, for that he will give you his wares. He smells funky.

For each unusual sample he will provide one dose of the following. If it becomes important how much he has stocked he has 2d6 of each item.

• A Wineskin of Ethanol. Well, it looks like a wineskin anyway.
• Lump of Beeswax. Enough for three candles, and much more white than normal.
• A Wineskin of Caffeine. Not coffee, not tea, straight caffeine.
• Immune Booster. As popular in the Barony, except packaged in seamless wax paper.
• A Wineskin of Oil. You can’t tell if it’s plant oil or animal fat.
• Dose of a Psychoactive or Psychedelic. In squishy little balls you're supposed to pop into your mouth.
• Dose of Quick Weakening or Knockout Poison. Do not ask how he gets it and he won’t ask why you need it. Very simple, very discrete.
• Dose of Antidote. For the poisons above specifically.

For each unique sample he will provide the following. If it becomes important how much he has stocked he has 1d6 of each item.

• A dose of Curative, or three doses of either Prophylactics or Pain Killers. Again, like they do it in the Barony except for the packaging.
• Dose of Quick or Slow Lethal Poison. Very simple, very discreet.
• Dose of Antidote. For the poisons above specifically.
• Bolt of Spider Silk. A very fine textile.
• Wineskin of Delicious Syrup, Slugslick Grease or Wedweb Glue. Function as the alchemical formula with Reagent power of one. Argu insists that he knows how thier made.
• Wineskin of Healing. Restores d6 HP when drunk.
• A combination of ten of the unusual options.

For each one of a kind sample he will provide the following. If it becomes important how much he has stocked he has 1d3 of each item.

• Wineskin of Great Petard. As the alchemical formula, with a Reagent power of five. None of these are really wineskins, but you're not sure what else to call them.
• Dose of Perfect Antidote. Give him a sample of a poison 10 minutes unobserved and he will return haggard and holding a small grain that will cure that poison when swallowed. Physically he’s only capable of doing this once every 24 hours.
• Dose of Quick Lethal Poison. I am sure we understand each other.
• Dose of Antidote. For the poison above specifically.
• A combination of ten of the unique options.

When you show Argu a one of a kind sample, his eyes will go wide and it will become clear that he would do anything to acquire it. If you reject his initial offer, make a reaction roll. On a positive result, he’ll throw in another item, on a negative result he turns to threats or violence. Speaking of which.

Argu is a Derro half-folk bloom with all that entails. “He” has stats as an 4 HD dwarf in medium armour, with a billhook and a large amount of fungal “wood” throwing darts “he” can poison at a moment’s notice. By nature Argu is not a violent (fun)guy, so if violence breaks out, this Derro prefers to make distance, poison a target and renter negotiations offering the antidote. Will use syrup, grease or glue to make a quick escape if he’s overwhelmed or a Petard if things are really desperate.


Merry Glogmas to Ember from the Creature Cavern! I don’t know how much adapting Argu would need to be fit into your setting, but I think I might use the guy sometime myself. Only difference is I'd make him a soupborn, which are in a lot of ways similar to your half-folk. Also, I think I may have done a little too much crosslinking in this post. Also I know that following the logic of the post, the wierdness of Argu's wares shouldn't be this obvious, but rpgs aren't a medium in which handle subtly well and the overuse of "wineskin" is funny.

GLOGtober '24: Three Oracles

 For challenge 5 of glogtober I will be doing the prompt 'Oracles and Sages', specifically I'll be doing three oracles.

The first thing you need to know about an oracle is that you should never go to one. They do not tell you anything you need to know. Each prophesy is a curse that will twist your fate. Do not let them shackle you to providence, chart your own fate. If you do not heed my advice, there are three I know by name.

Simeon

She can be found in taverns where dancers spin into the night,

cafes where people exchange poems,

and of course casinos.

Simeon is one of the few oracles who accepts payment in coin,

however the denomination does not matter to her.

What matters to her is that it's traveled far and passed through many hands,

after all it's money makes the world go round.

Revolving Fortunes (d6)

1. On your next journey you will get lost, but you will end up somewhere just as intresting.
2. Your mother will die soon, unless she's already dead in which case it's your turn to be one.
3. You'll soon have a lot more plates to spin, new projects, new responsibility, new you. It will feel like too much, but I trust you'll pull through.
4. There is something you need to let go of, but you your greed will not permit it. Needless to say your suffer for it.
5. Ever wanted to travel the world? Very soon there will be an ending, and then a beginning. I suggest you start packing as soon as you leave.
6. Oof, sorry for the loss. It's natural to grieve, but you can't cry over spilled milk forever.

Distal

You can find him by the river under the full moon.

He can be found in his cave the rest of the month, but it's far too dangerous.

He misses the moon so much, so much.

Tell him of who you miss,

who you've lost.

Reminence with him and he may tell you what to look forward to.

Aching Omens (d6)

1. Whizz, clatter, shatter. Machines get lonely too. Shatter, sputter. If her engineer still saw her then she would buzz along, instead her heartbreak will take your leg.
2. Scritch, scratch. You will find a most wonderful rug. Thread and fiber, such lovely knots. Buy it for any price they ask or steal it if you have to. Such lovely knots. Trust me, this rug has the answers.
3. Hiccup. Cough. There is a child out there, maybe not a child, who never had any friends, any any friends. Ahem. You will be this maybe child's first friend.
4. SCREEEE, CHOMP. A harpy will attack you! SLASH, STOMP. A harpy will attack you!
5. Plink, plink, plink. It will rain tomorrow, and the day after that. Swoosh. You won't ever find a satisfying answer to that question you didn't ask me. Splash.
6. Crackle, CRASH. Lightning will strike you. Sizzle. Rejoice, for you will find a secret in it's scars.

Babirusa

It sits in a dried out old well in the old part of town.

There used to be a gallows up there,

did you know that?

Executions used to be the main spectacle around here,

but that's beside the point.

When you descend down that well on the rope they have left there

bring some flowers. Some say it matters if thier fresh or wilted.

Shove those flowers in it's overstuffed maw,

and take exactly one.

Floral Augury

1. Dark Crimson Rose: Death for someone else, inherentance for you. Vultures will try to take it.
2. Nasturtium: If you have never walked the war path before, you will find victory. If you have, some upstart will take your head.
3. Arborvitae: Rest easy, you will experince a period of rest soon. Expect to have a warm reunion from an old friend.
4. Snapdragon: You will be betrayed by a frog in your sleep.
5. Yarrow: You will be fused with another being, your blood vessels split open your skin and intwine with thiers. This will bring both of you true and lasting joy.
6. Snapdragon: It is a good time to scheme, your next act of treachery will be be executed flawlessly.

Notes:

Sometimes it's good to relax and just write some cryptic shit. Each oracle here is inspired by a card from a oracle deck and each prophesy is inspired by a different card from the same. Simeon comes from the traditional Rider-Waite Tarot. Distal draws on Nick Bantock's the river and Barbirusa comes from Travis McHenry's Hieronymus Bosch Tarot. Can you guess what the card behind each one is? Also, the river isn't technically an oracle deck but a 'ask questions about your subconcious' deck. I also wouldn't recommend buying the Hieronymus Bosch Tarot, the compositions such becouse they are just randomly cropped Bosch paintings and I don't like the canonical meanings of it's cards.

More Strangers

 Inspired by this post, I decided to make my own post in this style from character ideas I had lying around. Also shout out to Cat Dragon for providing feedback and editing help with this post!

1.Elena Smirt

Most gnomes smell of petrichor and ozone, Elena smells of ozone and charcoal. A doomsayer and heretic, following her own syncretised form of Annitism and Humorism called “Gnomsitism”. Has a habit of ranting like a lunatic. Pissed someone off with her rancid demeanor; who’s she on the run from?

Stats. As a Cultist from The Monster Overhaul (p.19), except her Blight doesn’t recharge if she hasn’t ranted about doom to someone, and are all powered by the element of ASH (fading fire, apocalypse, genesis). By her gnomish nature she can take 1d4 nonlethal damage to create a jolt of electricity, and as a properly raised gnome has the Tinker skill and speaks Gnomish (the language of gnomes, inventors and weather). Knows the Leap of Faith delta (from the Annitism post) and will initiate anyone willing to join her cult.

Who’s she running from? (1d4)

1. Zinlas Smirt, her conservative grandmother and high priestess of Gnome Ann Isle. Elena’s stolen a 10’ Idol of Gnome Ann which grants 1 MD to magics that defy or reinforce impossibility once a day. Pursued by gnomes on lightning skiffs.

2. The Driftwood Papacy, it was inevitable. Elena’s stolen a sacred canister of Hyper-Vomit, which can induce divine hallucinations and megalomania from just a single drop. Pursued by Wind Crusaders and Driftwood Liturgists.

3. The Flints, a notorious pirate crew, feared for its two gay dads and horde of adopted children. She “stole” their boat cat, Bubsy ‘Fatfuck’; in actuality Fatfuck stumbled onto the wrong boat during a night of heavy drinking. Pursued by the Berg Flint, Elena is convinced they are going to gut her like a fish, which is untrue. They just want their cat back.

4. Corniva Smirt, her ex-wife. They divorced in mutual agreement; it was either Elena or the Spiders and Corniva chose the latter. What was not mutually agreed on is that Elena stole the child they crafted together, Horlo Smirt with stats like Robot Servant  (MO: p.301) except he is a fully sentient child, who is impacted by mind-altering effects and is torn between the moral codes of both his mothers. They are pursued by clockwork creatures and plush doll men.

2. Jack Ashtray! The Hurricane!!! The Man with a Suitcase!!! The Greatest Liar in the World!!!!!

A cocky and ostentatious wizard wearing an obviously fake mustache and a candy cigarette in his mouth. Has a seemingly unending supply of paper glasses, prank toys, cheap magic tricks and cards on him. Cracks jokes in the face of terror. Wheels around a suitcase that makes your stomach churn. What’s this guy’s angle?

Stats. 1 HD, has Fast Talk, Raconteur and Rover as a Rake, and the Slight of Hand skill. Knows 1d6 ‘spells’ from this list, which are all utterly fake. Inside the suitcase is a curled up mummy. One of the first liches, horrendously powerful, deeply cursed, imobile. It hates existence but loathes itself too much to die.

This Wretch believes that it’s under a very powerful binding spell, so subtle that it can not even perceive it. Due to the constant terror of being next to such a malignant power, Ashtray is immune to all other fear.

Seriously, what is this guy’s angle?(1d4)

1. I got some real power on my hands, some bonafide sorcery right here. Ancient wizard or not, this thing is a mark if I ever saw one. I could make a lot of money!

2. This old sack of bones thinks I’m a wizard, and you know what? Who’s to say I’m not? Fake it till you make it, baby!

3. My hair is falling out, I can’t sleep due to the nightmares, but I can’t just throw it away. It has promised to make me regret ever being born. I need to get rid of it!

4. Better men have tried to kill it, and better men have failed. But the world could do with less scoundrels like me, and it could certainly do without this horror. While I still have the upper hand, I will destroy it!

3. Crabcules

Not his real name, just the moniker he’s going by on dry land. Believes crabs to be biologically superior beings, but not actively bigoted against any land folk only because he hasn’t ‘figured out the hierarchy’ up here.  A nobleman and martial artist belonging to an empire from beneath the waves, has come to the surface world because to find a worthy opponant.
Stats. As a Giant Crab (MO: p.271) but otherwise as a Knight (p.21). He’s very easy to goad into any kind of contest, and if defeated either fairly or spectacularly swears unwavering loyalty. This is the only way to recruit him. When underwater his shell provides armor as plate and shield because he knows how to breathe good.

Aquatic Martial Arts.(1d4)

1. Practices the Secret Art EXCELLENCE IS UNATTAINABLE as an Artist. Seeks a master who can teach him how to do The Self Remade when one’s musculature is constrained by a thick shell.

2. Learns styles like a Duelist would. The style he already knows is by convergent evolution similar to the Cynical style of Cynocephali, from which he knows a stance equivalent to Aggro and a technique analgous to Humerus. Seeks a master who can teach him the Panache one needs to subdue foes without crushing them into paste.

3. Follows Ways as a Monk would. Has 1 Ki and knows the Ways Roar of the Raging Gale and Grasp of the Broken Mountain. None of these landfolk take his kung-fu seriously, so he seeks a master who can teach him Honor.

4. Has studied an ancient and venerable style, based on the beast known as the ‘Mantis Shrimp’ among land folk. With a turn of meditation can prepare himself to snap his claws so fast that it sends out a shockwave. Underwater this does damage as a cannonball, on land like a wet rubber band. Confident he can figure out how to make it work up here by himself.

4. Flesh Fairies

These fluttering, cat-sized sisters were all born in the same ‘litter’ of a Fleshive, designed to be healers. They have a telepathic bond with each other, and a more distant one with the hive that spawned them.

• Pich: Cherub-faced and sanguine. Talkative and curious, wants to be friends with everyone and has telepathy-inducing saliva. The human interpreter with a good bedside manner.
• Vert: One-eyed and choleric. Small-dog energy, wants to protect her family from all conceivable threats, and has numbing saliva. The anesthesiologist and lookout.
• Holi: Toad-faced and phlegmatic. Lethargic but precise, wants to study novel organisms and has flesh-sculpting saliva. The surgeon and secret keeper.
• Mori: Large-mouthed and melancholic. Agoraphobic, wants to take a nap and has antibacterial saliva. The pathologist and nest builder.

Stats. As Skeeters (MO: p.212), but they act as one and only get one attack that inflicts a chosen saliva on a failed CON save. They have 7 morale together and 2 morale when alone. Outside of combat, they can serve as excellent physicians and maids if you're not squeamish. 

If they like you enough they will offer to brew you healing potions. To make one they need diverse organic materials and a day of downtime. They are selective about who they give their potions to, because in addition to the usual effects the imbiber must save against gaining a random mutation. After saving, roll a d8. If the result of the d8 is equal or lower than the amount of mutations obtained from these potions, the imbiber becomes a child of the Fleshive with all that entails.

What the fuck is a Fleshive? (1d4)

1. An ever-bubbling pot of the soupborn, these sisters were born in a tribe with a very advanced understanding of the brewing arts. The girls are on an adventure to see the world, and ask for souvenirs and stories in return for their services. Pich is charming enough to rope her sisters into escapades, and can somehow fit in any social setting.

2. A floating colonial organism, basically a giant sky-bound siphonophore. The girls got separated during a storm and ask for help finding their way back in exchange for their services. Vert took responsibility for this mission. She can predict the weather and hates sky-whales in particular.

3. A creation of a flesh cult, a living breathing temple. The girls are out on missionary work, and ask for conversions or donations in exchange for their services. The sisters look to Holi for guidance, for she is a well read religious scholar.

4. Once a dragon now something like a tree, with roots that dig deep into the veins of the earth. The girls are on a diplomatic mission, and will exchange their services for someone who will put a good word in with the local authorities. Mori can burrow as fast as she flies, so she’s the envoys’ pathfinder on top of making sure her sisters brush their teeth regularly.

Discussion:

There is a sensible amount of hyperlinking that can be put into a post, i think I have gone to far.

Elena is an old PC from the August Synod mini-campaign from a while back. She is an utter mess, it was wonderful remembering her.

Ashtray was a character from an abandoned web comic project about a road trip across America in the SCP-verse. This project was going to have 6 main characters. 4 humans each with ties to one of the GOIs, the Wretch and a sentient minivan. Jack was planned to be a Gamer Against Weed, who used to be a part of AWCY?, until he got away. So his deal is sort of like Journey to the West if Xuanzang followed dril instead of the Buddha and Sun Wu Kong had zero redeeming qualities. The project stalled and eventually my intrest into the SCP-verse died. When I heard of Mob Psycho 100, I instantly fell in love with Arataka Reigen, but was also upset that someone wrote the premise of 'fake wizard pretending to be a real wizard' so much better then then I though of it.

Crabcules is a character from a failed shonen webcomic project. He is composed of three 'jokes'. Joke number 1 is a combination of the carcinzation meme with the stock shonen badguy motivation of being obsessed with strength and considering themselves the ultimate being. Joke number 2 is the visual gag that while everyone else is drawn in a cartoony style, Crabcules is rendered as a photorealistic crab. He would still do absurd anime nonsence like flash-steps and what have you, but as a visually utterly un-anthropomorphic crab. Joke number 3 is based on this tumblr post:

Where a weak non-combatant main character says to Crabcules "Yeah you could kill me, but that's not hard. I bet your so weak that you can't build a house." To which Crabcules responds by running off to learn carpentry, and progressively the non-combatant character tricks Crabcules into learning cooking, poetry, non-lethal combat and ballet. This eventually leads Crabcules to gain enlightment which allows him to do that that Jojo scene with the frog, and of course learn the power of friendship.

The illustation for the flesh fairies is uncolored becouse coloring is hard, and thier illustration is already the most difficult one to do. Thier origin will remain undisclosed to the public, if you manage to guess it correctly, you will earn my eternal terror.