| Title: | Hello |
| Date: | 2004-01-09 @ 19:18 |
| Security: | public |
| Music: | rufio- perhaps, I suppose |
| Mood: | contemplative  |
Hey,
This is my private, non-school related journal. Most likely, I will post my thoughts instead of how my day went and blah blah blah.
I'm an easy enough person to get along with, so add me to your friends list if you wish. IM me or let me know you did, and I'll add you back.
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I am kind of disapointed right now. All of my friends have significant others or people that they are more than just friends with, and all I can say is that I went out with a guy who now wears eyeshadow. I'm sick of not being in a relationship and not being able to experience new things. I can honestly say that no one has ever loved me the way you should love someone when your attracted to them and you want to be with them completely. I know that I have plenty of people who love me as a friend, but I want more than platonic relationships.
People say that I have the ability to be sexy, that I shouldn't hold back the way I do and just let people know what's up. I am so scared of being rejected or hurt, I won't even take the first step to get involved in a relationship. It's like that scene from Now and Then where all the girls are in the clubhouse maybe 20 years after they've all grown up. Sam says "Yeah well, if you never fall in love, you never get hurt", Roberta says "But it sure is lonely out there all by yourself". It is lonely by yourself, and I don't want to be by myself anymore.
Fucking John has a girlfriend, and I knew nothing would happen between us anyway. I haven't even told him I like him yet. And it was one of those stupid crushes, where I like him for his looks first then his personality, which I will say, on my behalf is pretty kick ass. I don't understand why I am so god-awful unattractive to the opposite sex.
Maybe it's because I am unattractive. I don't think I will ever consider myself beautiful, even if I lose weight, have the perfect hair, and get just the right make-up. But everything about my self image is so fucking external. I need to get it into my head that my personality is attractive too, and it's not all about how I look. I know I'm a cool person to be around, but maybe I'm just not beautiful enough to be loved? Maybe.
Or maybe I analyze everything too much. Maybe I should just stop wondering and just do. Maybe I should stop doubting myself and not be so fucking pessimistic. Possibly, that is the solution.
<3 kelly
