Hey friends.
So we’re coming up on the 6 month mark of when my whole world changed. At the beginning of April I couldn’t have seen what the end of the month would hold. It was all that sudden. But here we are, 6 months later, living the aftermath of that month.
I’ve learned a lot along the way.

• Grief isn’t the same. Losing my mom HURT. It tore me up. But this is so much different. I didn’t just lose a part of my identity, a role model, etc. I lost a very large chunk of my very being. But, unlike 22 almost 23 years ago, I don’t have time to just process the grief. I have legal matters to attend to, a household to keep afloat, a roommate that now partly counts on me to keep us both safe and dry. I can’t just bawl, as much as I want to.
• Mourning looks weird. Sometimes you look just fine. Sometimes you feel like you’re moving on too fast. Sometimes your brain warps you places and you don’t know why. Medical issues, even chronic ones, become more acute. Your brain processing speed and ability go in the trash sometimes.
• The tough times truly DO show you who really has your back. But sometimes it’s not immediate. Some will want to give you time and space. Some just want to push their way in to see what’s in it for them. The ones that truly got you though – they’re the ones that give you your space, but drop a line when you’re gone too long, but also don’t care if you talk for hours on end either.
• Death is EXPENSIVE. Those people that advertise the 20k life insurance plans should be criminal for making people think that will be enough, even if they don’t have a lot. Trust me, IT AIN’T. The lawyer you WILL need is going to be SEVERAL THOUSAND, cremation is going to be 1-2000, and if you’re doing a burial etc, yeah… you get the drift.
• Dying is fast compared to the aftermath. 6 months in and I still have at least that long to go.
• Dramatic changes require transitionary measures. Find the people who will help you make those transitions.
• DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Have a list off passwords, and keep it up to date and in a secure location. Have every last wish, medical desire, etc documented AHEAD OF TIME.
• If you get the news like I did, call those who have been down the road before. They will likely have some hush hush advice that will save your butt down the line, but also they’re the most likely to have your back.
  It’s been a heck of a ride the last 6 months almost. But I’m a weirdo. As much as work has driven me insane, it’s also been what’s kept me going. I’m learning to allow myself to make ginormous little steps I would’ve never even considered before. It’s not that he was holding me back, far from it. But I’m not the same person I was 6 months ago either. I have to allow myself to adapt.
  Huge thanks to Vicat for being my translator and interpretor when I’ve needed either or both LOL. I hate WHY you understand medical jargon so well but it was invaluable. And your wide breadth of expertise in so much has been instrumental in my sanity lol.
  Shoutout to Susan for having always been there for me, my partner in all sorts of shenanigans and comedic trouble since 1998.
  And to Jenn, who none of you knew 6 months ago but a few of you are starting to see her silliness. Funny how you remember me further back than I remember you. But thanks for being there for me thru the panic attacks, crying fits, memory trips, and all the drama that living here brings. The mutual laughs remembering the guys and all their silliness and the wtf-ing at Alex. The mega help doing the things I just can’t do right now, and making me actually take care of me. The Uno, Scrabble, and Looney Tunes. And figuring out what the need is going to be this week (inside true joke). I’ll never forget the color in your face draining out of you when I broke the news to you. I’m so glad it’s you that’s here, because you knew him better than most even know. And woman, I’m so proud of you for being as strong as you’ve had to be lately yourself. He’d be proud of you too, but hubby would’ve likely handled some of your crap a bit, erm, differently… But we both know what and why.
  Lori, ViClan, CB anipals, Val, Discord gaming buds… thanks for putting up with me, my random bouts of silence followed by spurts of gabbiness.
  And although I know he’ll never see, to my friend and car mechanic. You are a wiz under the hood, but you’re also the reason I survived this thus far. Please remember the good times. And take care of your parents dude.
  I know y’all are starting to sense something cryptic. Eh, probably not. But just in case, hey… if I disappear for a bit, y’all know why. Vicat won’t let me disappear and holy hell if I think I can escape Susan, I’d be dead wrong. Never mind the others that tend to fuss too much. So trust me, unless it comes from one of the clan otherwise, I’m fine. Just have a LOT to deal with.

To quote one of our (much more famous) anipals, MOUSES!

It seems everyone is getting that blasted C thing again. Mama’s doc just told her to get the jab around the end of the month but C is trying to beat it to mama!

Just like I don’t understand a lot of what mama does she doesn’t understand how she’s managed to not get THAT sick, even when daddy got it. She’s trying hard to keep it that way too.

Speaking of daddy, some have asked if mama has recordings of his voice. The answer is yes, and he even posted a few videos on YouTube. But she can’t handle it yet and neither can I. I start wildly looking all over for him and mama doesn’t wanna hurt me. There will come a time.

Right now we’re just gonna call it a night and purr for all our sick and sad peeps.

MOUSES! MAMA!!! Enough bops!

Hey guys just a quick post from my phone to let y’all know that we are okay. As you can well imagine it’s been insane here. Work is busy, I’m still dealing with estate crap, trying to condense everything WE owned into something that I can manage SOLO, and helping my BFF and now roommate start a new life of her own too. I’m so proud of her… and also extremely grateful for all her help around the place. Alex liked her on day 1, and the friendship between them is adorable lol. I’d be lying if I said I was ok but I’m still in robot mode and coping. I’m also trying to let myself change things I’d never have done before. Nothing big, just small stuff like things placement. Of course, like normal I’m thinking logic, the roommate keeps saying to me to quit overthinking! Maybe I’m a Vulcan cat? Lol

I want to thank everyone that’s peeked in now and then on me. I feel the love, just like when each of the furry kids ran off to the RB. I can just imagine how many cats the hubby musta been buried under. And I sure hope Obnoxio and Nimbus didn’t fight over daddy time because they both were daddy’s furry kids lol.

I’m giving Alex back his blog, it’s only right. It would get too heavy around here if I took it over completely. – TSB

Thanks hoomin.
So, when I was first released from that cramped place that this one took me from, both hoomins promised me that they’d always be here for me. Well for the last couple months, the male one hasn’t returned. I knew as well as he did that he wasn’t well. Mama was the only one of us who had no idea how bad it was. Daddy didn’t know WHAT was going on, but knew he wasn’t well. Mama has said ever since how surprised she is at how I’ve handled it. What choice do I have? I’d only be stressing her out more if I wasn’t. There’s also been a lot of changes around here. A LOT of things have gone OUT and never come back, some things have come IN just to go back OUT, and some new things have come IN. Mama had a couple brief moments of help and then this sweet lady came over to help her! It was obvious mama knew and trusted her, and the first thing she did when she came in the first time was knelt down and pet ME! And then mama gave her one of my favorite treat sticks to give me and I knew she was good. I helped snoopervise them both as she helped mama “declutter” and help mama start feeling better. A few weeks went by and then one day while mama was off “working” the friend moved in! Now she’s the one decluttering, and I have almost free reign over the whole place! Even that room that was once mama’s office! She’s helping mama find her way and feel more at ease. Mama keeps going from spells of feeling like she’s done too much to she needs to do more, and has to be reminded that it’s okay to go slow. She’s also making sure mama starts taking better care of herself because mama’s been slacking on that part and we can’t have that. I’ve made sure to put the cute on full force too, and for a brief moment the pawparazzi took a break! MOL!
Mama told me today when she came home that she saw daddy today. Not actual daddy, but she knows his spirit came to say hi to her, as only he would. I reminded her that he’s been here, she just sometimes was too sad to see.
Mama has taken me outside a couple times and I showed her how good of a cat I can be! I let a little hoomin pet me and love on me for a long time without squirming, and that HUGE monster of a dog the hoomins call Loki that I first met a year or so ago and hissed at? This time we sniffed faces a little! Mama wouldn’t let me TOO close but she gave me extra treats when we got back inside! I promise I haven’t lost my naughty side though. I just decided to be nicer… for now!

Thank you to the whole anipal community for being there for mama when this all started. Y’all gave her the strength to push forward when she didn’t want to so much. Especially Auntie Vicat.

And one other thing. One of our dear anipals Dee has recently gone through a horrific experience, losing her roof to a nasty ‘nado. Mama tells me they’re terrifying, and based on what I’ve heard, I agree. Please keep her in your purrs! *headbonks n purrs*

Alex K. Houdini

Surprise!!!! It’s not a gloomy post.

I’ve actually been waiting a VERY long time to write this post. And I do mean a VERY long time.

I was thinking at least five years, Vicat swears more, and of us two foggy heads I trust her brains more than my own so we’re going with what she said lol.

Those of you who remember when I had three vibrant, young, healthy cats remember how Nimbus had his own stuffed bear. No one else played with it. It was HIS bear. It wasn’t supposed to be but he claimed it. He laid with it. He bunnykicked it. He threw it (think feline version of an alligator with prey in its mouth lol). He got named Homey Bear. He went missing long ago. I knew he was here, SOMEWHERE. My fear was that wherever he was, the bugs had found him and destroyed him. A few years ago, my bff Susan found a twin and sent her to me. I love her, but she’s not Homey. She doesn’t have the scars of Nimbus on her bow.

Together at last. Years in the making. I happycried, not going to lie. I had just started a load of laundry so Homey went right downstairs and into the wash though, cause he was kinda icky. Another day I’ll deal with all the buddies he was packed away with. Today Homie and his twin sister get to be together. And I gotta find a safe place for them where Alex can’t knock em around. He’s not liable to play with them, just knock em off and hide them.

I hope you all have a great day and may the weather be kind to you, wherever you are.

TSB

I know you all just found out a couple days ago, but for me it was a month ago now when I got the news of just how grave CatDaddy’s condition was and started to realize he wasn’t coming home, as much as both of us wanted him to. He did say multiple times especially the last couple days that he wanted to go home and see his cat… which was so bittersweet but also kinda hilarious because just a few weeks before he got sick he was complaining that Alex rarely wanted to have anything to do with him it seemed! Alex is either on or off, he’s either all over you or you don’t exist; either flying around like a bat out of **** or snooze bound lol. But that’s how much of a cat daddy he was, he loved every cat he ever met, and they all learned to love him. It’s sad because Alex was just getting there.

Alex has taken to rubbing up against everything even harder and that does include his body-slam-flops against me lol! He’s also (unfortunately) figured out how to amp up his annoying factor lol. But I have to try to remember to be gentle as he can’t help it, he’s only being Alex – up into EVERYTHING. That hasn’t changed one iota in the last month or so.

Today’s post is a short one, guys, sorry. Partly because there’s not much going on here, partly because this whole process has fried my brain similarly to long covid brain fog. Sometimes I just don’t make as much sense as I would usually, or the brain skips. Luckily, just as I can usually decipher Vicat’s brain fog thought process, she’s been doing great with mine so there’s been a fair amount of translating she’s been doing the last month or so lol. ❤

We’ll be back around eventually.

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all the notes and condolences the last day or so since I quite literally bawled out that post. I know it was awfully hard for some of you to read, some of you had to read it multiple times to believe what you were reading. Trust me. I get it. It’s not been any easier here, and I was there for the whole thing – before work, after work, spent the night the Tuesday night he started getting a little aggravated/agitated to help calm him, and the entire last 24 hours. I have no regrets, I know he would’ve done the same thing if it was me not him, though I probably would’ve had a hard time getting him to leave to go to work (I had to scowl at him to get his butt home and go at least do a half day at work the next morning when I got in my first car wreck and was hospitalized overnight). But I had to also think of the big picture and keep the household afloat (as I didn’t know until Weds night he wasn’t coming out).

Some have asked how Alex is doing. I honestly think he knew something was seriously wrong even before hubby did, never mind me. He’s had some rough nights with his normal antics just a little worse, but all in all he’s done REMARKABLY well all things considered. He’s really doing better than I am, honestly. To the point I actually brought a neighbor’s cat over last night, who might need a new home, and the cat was very hissy but Alex didn’t try to go in and make buddies nor did he cower or even show aggression back. He read the situation so beautifully it really warmed my heart. But the more I think about it, as much as I’d love to quite literally give an older cat a safe landing, I’m not going to be in the position to handle a senior cat’s issues as they come and they will sooner rather than later. And an older cat’s going to have more issues with Alex’s young dude antics. IF I do rescue another, it’s going to have to be a younger one (still an adult, I do think he’s beyond bringing an older kitten into the apartment as I worry he’d be a little too rough) and be completely agreeable to both. There has to be that instant connection. I don’t want to worry about there being a fight when I’m not home, but I also hate that Alex is now truly home alone a lot more than I’d like. But if he’s shown ANYTHING the last month it’s how resilient he is.

I did take Alex outside today for our first porch time of the spring/summer. He was such an amazing good boy (once again). My neighbor even brought out her dog (who’s smaller than Alex but has a metric ton more energy lol) and Alex didn’t get aggressive even when the dog got all up in his paws while he was on my lap. Even Curzon woulda smacked the dog on the nose, Nimbus too probably and Nimbus loved everyone and everything pretty much! In the below picture is him staring at a bird high behind me, as he’s calculating whether he could make an attempt at it and whether he should (I assure you he didn’t shift from that position as there were too many birds fluttering too fast LOL).

And Alex would like his buddy Summer to see this picture of him giving a near perfect high four, no treats involved! He hasn’t mastered giving full pads but I’ll take some pads on a good connection!

Well that’s it for us for right now, I truly hope this post lightened you up a little after the last one. Please remember though to tell those you care about how much you care because life is short and PLEASE don’t delay on getting your will/POA/etc. done. The last thing you wanna do is leave it to those you leave behind.

I wish I had a better way of leading this off. I’m going to warn you now, if you’re depressed, or on the verge of tears, don’t read this. Just DON’T. And if you can’t stand swearing, go bug off now, cause my filter is OFF.

There are some of you who know why I’ve been offline the majority of the last month, but a lot of you who don’t. This is for those of you who don’t. I’m sorry I’ve been radio silent. But I’ve got a LOT on my plate, and once you read, you’ll understand. This has been the literal worst last 30 days of my life, since my mom died.

4/17/2023… I had worked late, came home, made dinner. Everything seemed fine, but it wasn’t. The food poisoning hit me first hard. But I am a pro at gut issues, with all the sht I got going on down there any given time. I truly thought the hubby, aka CatDaddy, had escaped any issues as he normally did.

4/19/2023… I was wrong. Horribly wrong. I’ve never seen one human puke up so much in my life. But within 24 hours it was over. He was weak afterwards, but that was to be expected. I’m still not worried.

The next few days he didn’t seem to be getting his strength back, but I still stubbornly thought once he got water and then even the protein shakes down him he’d be fine.

4/23/2023 just before 9am the call was made to 911. He’s wedged in the bathroom, and I can’t get him out and he can’t get up. He’s conscious and may try to refuse treatment (he tried the EMT outstubborned him ever so gently). He’s rushed to the ER. BP 60/20 (that is NOT a typo), severe infection and extremely severe dehydration. I’m thinking fk I almost killed him… but he was refusing to go to the ER anyways even if I could get him into the car. He was admitted and put straight into ICU.

4/24 call from the ICU “he’s got a wound ‘back there’ and there’s something in there. We need to biopsy it tomorrow. If he refuses, do we have your permission to override as he’s not in full clear mind?” Of course I said yes, he huffed but allowed them to so it was moot point on Tuesday when they got to doing the biopsy. I thought it was just a formality, it didn’t seem like anything could be wrong

4/26 after 5pm call from the ICU, results of the biopsy are in, it’s squamous cell carcinoma, already intruding into his bowels. By this time honestly it had already gone up his GI tract and what none of us realized was it was attacking his tongue and he was losing his ability to talk. I’m just devastated. I reached out to both of his brothers the following day, and in consult with both of them and the younger one’s daughter, it was agreed that his condition was deteriorating so fast we had to allow him to go. But they needed a chance to get here who COULD get here.

4/29 around 6-7pm, all other medicines are stopped, only medicine in him at that point is morphine. He perked up a little and we made some good final memories, along with his sister in law and niece. And then came cleaning time. This nurse though was an ANGEL. I still cry the happy tears every time I think of her because she truly gave him – and me – the biggest blessing of comfort and love in those final hours with her love and the way she comforted him right to his heart and soul.

4/30 730pm he passes away peacefully with me right there holding his hand, having not left his side the last 24 hours for more than literally a minute.

Why did I go into such detail? Because I want every last one of you to see how short and fragile life is. Before we got sick, he was FINE. Even after he stopped hurling, he was still talking just fine. Even with the EMT, he was. But what he THOUGHT was hemorrhoids turned out to be cancer, and his pride and fear blocking his ability to get it checked out turned out to be fatal. And because it was so fast, we were not legally prepared for this. We were together almost 21 years but never made crap legal because “hey if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” We’d talked about getting POA’s on each other etc. but hadn’t done it yet. And by the time it was needed it was too late. Luckily his brothers have been amazing and are helping make sure I get the legal responsibilities I would normally have had and they don’t want. I also found a lawyer on the cheap (relatively) and got him cremated as he wanted. I was able to access enough funds to be able to make that happen. But, now I’m here, all alone, with a crap ton of things to do both on the home front and legally, having not been alone for more than a few days in the last 21 years almost, and for that matter, most of my life. But I have no choice. I must do this. And it’s obvious I get to do most of it with no help either. But I shall overcome. I shall adapt. Please, do not be like the CatDaddy. Stay up on yourself. Listen to your body. If ANYONE has had ANY cancer in your family, you watch that shit like you’re trying to protect your child from the worst danger ever, because death is so fucking permanent. If you have someone special in your life, and you don’t have the legal paperwork to take care of sht if you are incapacitated or die you get that shit done NOW. And even if you are married, get your will written up. PLEASE. Make detailed lists of everything of any value you have and where/who you want it to go to. Have a special list in a private place for all your passwords etc. so the ones you leave behind can get into things and lock it down. But most importantly, please take this opportunity to let bygones be bygones with the ones you love because when they’re gone you can’t take those words back. And make sure they know how much you love them.

I also want to take this moment to thank Vicat for helping me through that week and translating medical into plain English and dealing with my fried brain that, at this point, makes about as much sense as COVID brain almost. And to the others here who have known and have checked in on me, it’s appreciated. Thanks. I’ll be around, eventually.

RIP Mic aka CatDaddy the best friend, partner, love of my life, I could have ever asked for. Thank you for almost 21 years of both good and bad times. I’ll always love you and never ever forget you. EVER. I hope you’re not totally buried under cats and got to have that talk with your parents that you so wanted to have. You may have left this existence but you will live on forever within me and I will carry you in my heart for the rest of my life. Until we meet again, see you on the other side.

Treats please!

I know it’s been a very long time since I’ve written. It was a crazy end to 2022 and 2023 hasn’t been much calmer.
Alex is thriving, though he’s truly the most annoying PITA I’ve ever had around 1am. It’s like dude TWO HOURS then you can start that crap. Wait for the alarm to go off. By the time he’d get his zoomies out of him it’d be time for the CatDaddy to leave for work and I start second half of my sleep. But noooooooo… cats. Plus he’s getting himself into tiny spots in the kitchen I have no idea how he’s getting in there, no matter how much I try to block it off. I swear, he’s a shapeshifter. But he gets caught every time because ninja he is NOT. lol

Those of you who know me know that January is NOT a good month for me. Everyone else thinks oh your birthday! Yay! Uh NO. The anniversary of my grandpa passing was on the 16th. Today marks the anniversary of when my mom and her best friend who was like a second mother to me passed away, just different years. It’s so hard to believe my mom’s been gone 22 years now. She’s now been gone for more of my life than she was here for. So many of you have lost loved ones recently, and I want you to know this. Anyone that tells you that the pain goes away with time is in denial. You merely learn to live and cope. When they’re THAT close to you, there’s no “getting over” it. I will love my mother until the end of time. She was all I had. I could play what if and if I could turn back time games the rest of my life. There was no way 19 year old me could possibly have known that: A her time was nearly up, and B that those that we held near and dear would NOT be near and dear after I left home. But if there is such a thing as Heaven/RB I know this: she’s buried under cats and hamsters waiting, because there wasn’t a single soul that Nimbus didn’t love.

This month is also the anniversary of us having to say goodbye to HRH Queen Jadzia. I do miss my diva Queen so much. Her ‘tude was legendary and she was the most stubborn unwilling to train cat ever (even litterbox training her kitten self was difficult at best, but so was Curzon in that case). But she was truly the best mama cat ever, and I am so forever thankful that I pretty much legit catnapped her brother and then rescued her when they were kittens. We all had a rough first year or so together, but we got through it thanks to the CatDaddy and all the cats knew the rest of their lives was security, full bellies, and love.

Alex here I gots to take over before that human gets too sappy. Contrary to what mama says I’m not a naughty cat, there’s just so many things to chase! Though she says I’m chasing nothing, but I disagree! But I also know how to put the cute into full blast, even when I’m resting. But sleep? Especially deep sleep? I still keep an ear open. You never know when things are going to get crazy and you need to react!
Anyways, that’s it from the House of the (Wild) Coon Cat(s) MOL!