And I am coming home to you with my own blood in my mouth
Thought I should change up the end of the year Mountain Goats song. I rather liked listing ten good things that happened last year at my usual NYE wrap up, so I thought I'd try that again.
1. After being out of work for two years, my brother finally got a job. Only a contract one, but hopefully it leads to better things.
2. TWIG AND LUNAR MOVED TO THE AREA! I no longer have to take a plane to see them! I can just get in my damn car and drive twenty minutes! Well, thirty to forty, if 495 is shitty, which it so often is. But they are here, and it's such a game changer to have them so accessible.
3. Ended up winning the grand prize for a cake I baked and entered at the fair. Amazingly, I did not do a lot of planning for it; my sister in law peer pressured me into the entry and it turned out much better than I thought, My only problem is now I'm torn over whether I retire while on top, or try to defend my position again for next year.
4. The Washington Capitals won a playoff round! They hadn't done that in like seven years! And Alex Ovechkin broke the NHL goal record! Hockey in 2025 was a lot more fun than I expected it to me. Would be nice if the Caps improved on that for 2026, but who knows.
5. I went to see my brother and nephew and sister in law in California, to watch the kid perform in the Nutcracker again and to just visit. I also drove in the mountains for the first time, and did not drive off the side of the mountain at any point. The thing is, it is terrifyingly scenic there, but also terrifying in general. Gorgeous views. While there, I left my wallet in church accidentally (which my mother had guilted me into attending) and when I went back the next day, it had been kept for me safely. I enjoyed watching the kid dance and telling him stories; I made up this long running batshit thing, and he kept begging me to tell more whenever we had a spare moment. My brother and sister in law were having an enormous pine tree taken down from their backyard while we were there; it was full of bees (!!!) and you could smell the fresh-cut pine in the air while they were carving great chunks off it.
6. Managed to knock out a 25K fic for an exchange. I find that at my top deadline panic, I can manage writing about 5K a day, though it does tend to take a toll. I rather liked the results of this one, though, even though it was like pulling teeth to get it started. There was more I could have done with it, but when rereading, I don't have the usual "oh shit, I could have done/should have done this or that."
7. Paid to bring my brother and his family over here for an impromptu trip in July, to cheer them up and spend some time together. It was really fun to see all the kids immediately glom onto each other again, and to be all in the same place without it being because of a funeral or other awful occasion. We went to the aquarium and the pool and just spent time together eating and talking. It was nice.
8. Managed to reconnect with a friend of mine I hadn't seen in years, at her sister's wedding.
9. A work project I was in charge of and had been fretting over managed to go off without disaster, though I kept being afraid it would suck.
10. Lunar and Twig and I went to Rehoboth for a long weekend, and it was like-- I haven't had a real vacation in so long, I forgot what that was like. I'm so burned out and so tired all the time. It was almost cut short by hurricane, but we managed to scrape by. There was one day where it rained and the wind blew the whole day, so we stayed indoors. I always rather like having at least one rainy day at the beach; it makes the whole thing feel more, somehow, than if you have perfect weather for the whole stretch. At one point, I was stretched out on the couch under one of Lunar's blankets, right next to an open window. So I was warm and comfortable, but I could smell the rain and air, and feel the coolness of it on my face. And we were all just reading or napping or staring contentedly into space, and I just dozed and was happy with two of the people I like most in the world. Some moments don't need to be spectacular; you just need to be happy.
It's been a rough year. My purse was stolen. Raccoons invaded my house. House flooded again. I'm losing my goddamn hair. My cousin died. My uterus has gone goddamn haywire. I'm getting caretaker burnout. Watching my mother's memory get worn away like a rock in a river is taking a toll on me. I hate how easily I can get angry and annoyed now with her even though it's the disease's fault, not hers. I hate how I can never be alone. But I'm incredibly afraid of missing or wasting time with my mother, even though her health is better than it was right after my father died. I worry about how much worse it can get. I feel so... like I'm unlearning stuff, and I'm too afraid to do things I would have before. Like a butterfly reverting back into a cocoon and caterpillar stage, or some shit. I worry that I'm losing my memory.
Sometimes the kids want to be cuddled, though, and they come to me for it, and I can kiss the tops of their heads and smell their hair. Sometimes the winter sunsets are incredibly beautiful. Sometimes I can wander through apple orchards with my friends and eat kettle corn and laugh, or through cider festivals, or beaches, or parks. Sometimes my sports teams win. Sometimes I can smell honeysuckle in my mother's backyard during the spring. Sometimes the fireflies are so thick in the trees that it looks like Christmas lights. Sometimes I eat a perfect peach. Sometimes I'm driving down the ICC and I see the phone tower that is (badly)n disguised as a tree and it makes me smile because of how much my dad loved that damn thing and pointed it out whenever we went by. Sometimes I hear a song on the radio that Louise loved and I remember something from college that I haven't thought of in a long time. Sometimes someone leaves a really nice set of tags on something I post on tumblr. Sometimes I take a nap with the window open in spring and I wake up while it's still light out.
One of these years, it's going to be a good year.
Happy Year Year, everybody. See you on the flip side.
1. After being out of work for two years, my brother finally got a job. Only a contract one, but hopefully it leads to better things.
2. TWIG AND LUNAR MOVED TO THE AREA! I no longer have to take a plane to see them! I can just get in my damn car and drive twenty minutes! Well, thirty to forty, if 495 is shitty, which it so often is. But they are here, and it's such a game changer to have them so accessible.
3. Ended up winning the grand prize for a cake I baked and entered at the fair. Amazingly, I did not do a lot of planning for it; my sister in law peer pressured me into the entry and it turned out much better than I thought, My only problem is now I'm torn over whether I retire while on top, or try to defend my position again for next year.
4. The Washington Capitals won a playoff round! They hadn't done that in like seven years! And Alex Ovechkin broke the NHL goal record! Hockey in 2025 was a lot more fun than I expected it to me. Would be nice if the Caps improved on that for 2026, but who knows.
5. I went to see my brother and nephew and sister in law in California, to watch the kid perform in the Nutcracker again and to just visit. I also drove in the mountains for the first time, and did not drive off the side of the mountain at any point. The thing is, it is terrifyingly scenic there, but also terrifying in general. Gorgeous views. While there, I left my wallet in church accidentally (which my mother had guilted me into attending) and when I went back the next day, it had been kept for me safely. I enjoyed watching the kid dance and telling him stories; I made up this long running batshit thing, and he kept begging me to tell more whenever we had a spare moment. My brother and sister in law were having an enormous pine tree taken down from their backyard while we were there; it was full of bees (!!!) and you could smell the fresh-cut pine in the air while they were carving great chunks off it.
6. Managed to knock out a 25K fic for an exchange. I find that at my top deadline panic, I can manage writing about 5K a day, though it does tend to take a toll. I rather liked the results of this one, though, even though it was like pulling teeth to get it started. There was more I could have done with it, but when rereading, I don't have the usual "oh shit, I could have done/should have done this or that."
7. Paid to bring my brother and his family over here for an impromptu trip in July, to cheer them up and spend some time together. It was really fun to see all the kids immediately glom onto each other again, and to be all in the same place without it being because of a funeral or other awful occasion. We went to the aquarium and the pool and just spent time together eating and talking. It was nice.
8. Managed to reconnect with a friend of mine I hadn't seen in years, at her sister's wedding.
9. A work project I was in charge of and had been fretting over managed to go off without disaster, though I kept being afraid it would suck.
10. Lunar and Twig and I went to Rehoboth for a long weekend, and it was like-- I haven't had a real vacation in so long, I forgot what that was like. I'm so burned out and so tired all the time. It was almost cut short by hurricane, but we managed to scrape by. There was one day where it rained and the wind blew the whole day, so we stayed indoors. I always rather like having at least one rainy day at the beach; it makes the whole thing feel more, somehow, than if you have perfect weather for the whole stretch. At one point, I was stretched out on the couch under one of Lunar's blankets, right next to an open window. So I was warm and comfortable, but I could smell the rain and air, and feel the coolness of it on my face. And we were all just reading or napping or staring contentedly into space, and I just dozed and was happy with two of the people I like most in the world. Some moments don't need to be spectacular; you just need to be happy.
It's been a rough year. My purse was stolen. Raccoons invaded my house. House flooded again. I'm losing my goddamn hair. My cousin died. My uterus has gone goddamn haywire. I'm getting caretaker burnout. Watching my mother's memory get worn away like a rock in a river is taking a toll on me. I hate how easily I can get angry and annoyed now with her even though it's the disease's fault, not hers. I hate how I can never be alone. But I'm incredibly afraid of missing or wasting time with my mother, even though her health is better than it was right after my father died. I worry about how much worse it can get. I feel so... like I'm unlearning stuff, and I'm too afraid to do things I would have before. Like a butterfly reverting back into a cocoon and caterpillar stage, or some shit. I worry that I'm losing my memory.
Sometimes the kids want to be cuddled, though, and they come to me for it, and I can kiss the tops of their heads and smell their hair. Sometimes the winter sunsets are incredibly beautiful. Sometimes I can wander through apple orchards with my friends and eat kettle corn and laugh, or through cider festivals, or beaches, or parks. Sometimes my sports teams win. Sometimes I can smell honeysuckle in my mother's backyard during the spring. Sometimes the fireflies are so thick in the trees that it looks like Christmas lights. Sometimes I eat a perfect peach. Sometimes I'm driving down the ICC and I see the phone tower that is (badly)n disguised as a tree and it makes me smile because of how much my dad loved that damn thing and pointed it out whenever we went by. Sometimes I hear a song on the radio that Louise loved and I remember something from college that I haven't thought of in a long time. Sometimes someone leaves a really nice set of tags on something I post on tumblr. Sometimes I take a nap with the window open in spring and I wake up while it's still light out.
One of these years, it's going to be a good year.
Happy Year Year, everybody. See you on the flip side.