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Politics

Democrats Condemn ICE For Murdering Without Proper Warrants

WASHINGTON—In a statement calling for more guardrails around ongoing immigration operations, Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives publicly condemned…

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Politics

White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J.…
Politics

Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses Personhood

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida…
Politics

Giddy Trump Struts All Around White House With Nobel Peace Prize In Mouth

WASHINGTON—Panting excitedly as he trotted from room to room displaying his prized possession, a giddy President Donald Trump was reportedly seen Friday strutting all around…
Politics

Pundits Praise Strength, Dexterity Required For Trump To Successfully Lift Middle Finger

NEW YORK—Lauding the commander-in-chief’s response to being heckled at a Ford plant as a stunning physical feat, pundits from multiple media outlets praised President Donald…
Politics

Political Profile: Gregory Bovino

Gregory Bovino is “commander at large” of the U.S. Border Patrol’s mass deportation efforts. The Onion takes a look at Bovino’s background. Political Beliefs: Fiscally…
Politics

Melania Trump Casts Longtime Aide Into Well Of Gloom

WASHINGTON—In an abrupt termination that surprised many White House observers and raised questions about the fate of her remaining staff, first lady Melania Trump reportedly…

Politics

Trump’s Military Spending By The Numbers

With its proposal of the first-ever $1 trillion defense budget, the White House has sought a dramatic increase in funding for the armed forces. Here,…
Politics

Conservatives Say Renée Good Was Brainwashed By Bible Into Loving Thy Neighbor

WASHINGTON—Calling her actions “indefensible,” Vice President JD Vance stated Thursday that Renée Good was brainwashed by the Bible into loving thy neighbor. “The fact of…
Politics

GOP Adds ‘ICE Kills Everyone’ Pillar To 2026 Platform

WASHINGTON—Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year’s midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their…
Politics

RFK Jr. Coughs Up Pair Of Jeans
Politics

DOJ Releases Jerome Powell Deepfake Nudes

WASHINGTON—Asserting that the images were “100% authentic,” the Justice Department released Monday what appeared to be deepfake nudes of Federal Reserve chair Jerome Powell. “The American…
Politics

Kristi Noem On Renée Good Murder: ‘We Will Find The Immigrant Who Did This’

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