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Entire French Populace Moved To Tears By Cartoon Of Robot Holding Flower

PARIS—Clutching their chests in wonder at the newly unveiled work by an anonymous street artist, all 68 million members of the French populace were reportedly…
News

Trump Boys Put Nobel Peace Prize In Microwave

WASHINGTON—Checking to see if the prestigious award was real by placing the medal on the glass turntable and hitting the potato button, Eric Trump and…
Entertainment

Katy Perry’s Friends Skeptical Of Alleged Powerful Boyfriend Who Lives In Canada

LOS ANGELES—Saying they wished she would just be honest with them, friends of multiplatinum recording artist Katy Perry expressed skepticism this week about her alleged…
Entertainment

Artist Profile: A$AP Rocky

Rapper A$AP Rocky has released Don’t Be Dumb, his first album in eight years. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. …
Weddings

Diana Chin and Tim Galchot

Chin married Galchot in what is being described as a decisive coup d’état against the groom’s 13-year-old daughter from a previous marriage.
Local

Onus Of Giving Parents Grandchildren Placed On Least Fucked-Up Sibling

DENVER—Acknowledging the grim reality of their underwhelming romantic prospects, chronic disorganization, and lackluster employment outlook, the adult Patterson children confirmed Friday that the onus of…

American Voices

‘House Burping’ Gains Popularity In U.S.

The trend of “house burping,” based on the German practice of “lüften” or briefly opening windows to refresh indoor air, has taken off in the…
American Voices

Usha Vance Announces Pregnancy With Fourth Child

Second Lady Usha Vance announced she and Vice President JD Vance are expecting their fourth child amid public speculation about the health of their relationship.…
News

ICE Deems Being In Privacy Of Own Home Obstruction Of Justice

WASHINGTON—Warning that any attempt to spend time inside a personal residence constituted hostile interference with federal operations, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Thursday that…
Politics

Democrats Condemn ICE For Murdering Without Proper Warrants

WASHINGTON—In a statement calling for more guardrails around ongoing immigration operations, Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives publicly condemned Immigration and Customs Enforcement Thursday…
Politics

Trump To Europe: ‘Getting Greenland Was Mr. Dilbert’s Final Wish’
Local

Woman Throws Self On Grenade By Answering Call From Dysregulated Friend

MILFORD, MA—Wincing at the blast of guttural sobs erupting from the speaker as she picked up, local woman Anna Higgins reportedly threw herself on a…

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