{"@attributes":{"version":"2.0"},"channel":{"title":"The Bitchface Manifesto","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/","description":"The Bitchface Manifesto - LiveJournal.com","lastBuildDate":"Fri, 11 Oct 2013 00:36:17 GMT","generator":"LiveJournal \/ LiveJournal.com","image":{"url":"https:\/\/l-userpic.livejournal.com\/41313098\/1479850","title":"The Bitchface Manifesto","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/","width":"100","height":"100"},"item":[{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/485968.html","pubDate":"Fri, 11 Oct 2013 00:36:17 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/485968.html","description":"y'know, i'm pretty fed up with the enchanted manbabies of New Orleans.


Posted via m.livejournal.com<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/485968.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/485668.html","pubDate":"Sun, 08 Sep 2013 03:14:03 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/485668.html","description":"here's the deal: i don't buzzkill you, don't buzzkill me.

seriously, am i just fuckin' small-time here? is that what it is? am i thinking too highly of myself, trying to be funny when i'm not, thinking i'm purty when i'm obviously just lipstick on a pig?

don't squash my jokes. that's called being a dick. i hope your five minutes\/five seconds of satisfaction are just awesome.
me: why did the chicken cross the--
you: you're not good at this.
FUCK YOU

don't be a literalist in the face of fancy. shit's sake. just cause you don't have an imagination or sense of whimsy doesn't mean you're right.
kid: that cloud is a dinosaur!
you: actually, that cloud is an amorphous accumulation of suspended water vapor.
YOU'RE A DICK


BONUS ROUND:
if you see two women, don't just tell ONE of them that she's pretty. yes, this happened. and hey guess what? it's really fucking hurtful to be walking alongside someone and have a passerby say, \"hey, look at you, you<\/i> look pretty.\" and even better, for that passerby to say, after i've already accidentally smiled and said thanks, \"oh and you, too.\" HEY GUESS WHAT FUCK OFF. i guess this is a no-good-deed-goes-unpunished thing, but it's not. it's not a good deed. the friend with me, i'm sure she knows how pretty she is. but she's got other attributes that people don't even think about because she's so purrrrty. (news flash: she's good friends with me because i don't treat her like a fashion model marble statue goddess exotic mystery woman. i treat her like somebody who enjoys vietnamese food, bad puns, and honest literary criticism. dur hey.) so she gets singled out in public for being so purty, and i'm standing next to her and being ignored for not being purty. AND WE ALL GO HOME SO HAPPY.

what i'm saying is people suck today. fucking BE NICE, people.

anyway.","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/485668.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/485470.html","pubDate":"Wed, 04 Sep 2013 02:12:28 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/485470.html","description":"these are both rather arbitrary and bitchy things for me to hate on, but i've decided, irrevocably, that if you are a boy and wear too-tight, stone-washed red bermuda shorts - or, if you are anyone who insists upon puffing and blowing and sighing and puffing and blowing and sighing as you go about basic tasks, like reading letters or plugging in your laptop at a coffee shop - you should be punched.

the eno","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/485470.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/483280.html","pubDate":"Tue, 25 Jun 2013 06:23:45 GMT","title":"rebuttals aimed at no one in particular","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/483280.html","description":"1. okay, about following the book. you know what follows the book? jackson's LOTR trilogy. know also what's boring as shit and i never watch for fun, me, the re-watcher of films? the LOTR trilogy. yaawwwwwnnnnn they kept the whole book in.

1b. except \"the scourging of the Shire,\" which is the most thematically interesting bit. but noooooo, stay true to book. otherwise...

2. The Oatmeal has a bitchy Venn Diagram claiming that the only similarity between Z and its source material is the title, and derides the film as \"Brad Pitt shoots zombies around the globe.\" hey, The Oatmeal, i know you're mostly after pandering to a nerdass fanbase and getting hits by the millions, but go see the fuckin' movie, mkay? i seriously hate some unfounded-ass opinions.

3. the Evil Dead re-boot? still not okay. i don't care if fuckin' Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell are \"executive producers\" on it. if you could turn a giant profit selling turd sandwiches, probably you'd do it. Bubba Ho Tep was better than hundreds\/thousands of things out there, but does that pay the bills?

4. to quote Archer, \"idiots, doing idiot things, because they're idiots...\"

5. i may be getting sick of living in new orleans. not my friends, not my dates or lack thereof, just... i may be sick of being here. then again, it might just be that semi-annual sale on homesickness. we'll see.

\/post","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/483280.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/482970.html","pubDate":"Sun, 23 Jun 2013 20:55:18 GMT","title":"spoilers!","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/482970.html","description":"
tell ya who the real spoilers are: these namby-pamby crybabies who will (i guess) refuse to see a movie because waaah waah it isn't anything like the book. seriously. tell the stephen king fan that. really?!

also, my answer to this ridiculous gripe is twofold: one, different medium, so suck it up, crybaby. stories get told different visually, and there's nothing saying a different PLOT couldn't achieve the same message, or tone, or point. two, how about this; STANLEY KUBRICK. that dude took two books (a clockwork orange, the shining) and made his mark on western art through film. those movies are nothing like the books. or maybe sort of. or maybe not at all. the point is, the people behind Z aren't Kubrick, but you have to realize that adaptation doesn't taint source material. the book's still fucking there. and departures from source material can take us to some unforgettable, equal-if-not-more-powerful, places. i'm a King girl, but jack nicholson frozen in the topiary maze is far more powerful in a way than the book's ending, which has him get blown up in the hotel's basement. they both work in their respective mediums, but only to equally powerful effect. and like i said, the book's still there. so suck it UP, crybaby.

world war z was one of the best movies i've seen in a long time. big, big-budget movies, that is - no copouts with some marvelous indie film shit. it's big, expensive, expansive, and marvelous. you really do feel like you get all across the globe with it.

the pandemic itself has a smidge of CG to it, but though it's there and visible (and at times not THE best, but anyone who goes or doesn't go to movies based on quality of effect is someone i worry about and don't want to associate with, and in the horror\/zombie genre, there has been decades of visual abuse, so, really, not a valid argument for a zombie-ish movie) the real power is something like what 28 Days Later had, those sweeping urban landscapes overrun. the sublime sort of horror of complete takeover.

the film itself starts, after a little smidge of normalcy that's already been undercut by too-loud murmurs of global epidemic and a sort of preachy but (i think) excellent tone- and theme-setting credit sequence, all shots of technology and crowds juxtaposed with militarisation and animal savagery, in tight chaos. enormous car crashes, gridlocked traffic turned into an instant massacre. and the most brilliant thing happens, and it's loud and right in the foreground: as a dump truck plows through dozens of cars, killing people everywhere, someone is recording it on their cellphone camera.

that. that right there.

it's finally the answer to why fast zombies, why world war z filmed as a sudden and roiling pandemic panic. because nature is brutal (a humorously-undercut speech in the second act, the opening title sequence, give us this) and humans are fast, techologically tied to one another, and generally fucking stupid. it's a preachy thing to hit on, but it totally works, imo. louis ck made the point once that we live in a world of wonderous technology and we're ungrateful as hell about it. it's wasted on us. the film has the same conclusion. both brad pitt's character and the unknown mass-death-filmer make heavy use of a cell phone, but only one of them understands the benefits of the technology--and, as the sequence in south korea shows, even his justifiable dependence on it is probably not a great idea.

speaking of the south korea sequence, it's fucking great. GREAT. it's got more of Aliens<\/i> in it than goddam Prometheus<\/i> did, and with less squandered potential. basically, brad pitt lands to refuel in the company of Space Marines. and the movie expands from genre in this sequence, too--this is a movie about being overtaken by forces, which is a somewhat broader iteration than just \"omg it's zombies.\"

although there's also totally zombies.

the defense of swift action - north korea, israel - and risky decision-making - the third act, which reverses the usual pace of zombie movies and decides NOT to let us all conveniently go to hell forever - runs throughout, which sort of seems to undercut the happy-ish ending. or so i thought at first. but maybe that's just the idyllic shots of nova scotia lulling me. and i admire the balls of the movie to have a voice-over in the end that flat-out says \"the war has just begun\" rather than give us some GOTCHA moment all m. night shamalayan style where the lady comes out of the water and bites someone at the end of the credits. in the blockbuster world, it's pretty much the rule now to give some further twist at the end. one of the few things i have to credit christopher nolan's needlessly-grim-tortured-superhero movies is that they stay classy enough to be the exception. and then there's X-Men. blegh.

but overall, the movie hits the point that you need to stay adaptable and mobile. it's a real reversal from the usual survivor\/zombie movie, where you hole up and the action comes not from going out to meet zombies, but from the occasional breach in the security system.

as a political\/cultural critique, the foregrounded phone does a lot of the heavy lifting in the movie. it's early, it's thematic, it's simple to identify. but the film also take the time to undercut nearly every trope of \"let's solve the global crisis\": the fleet of ships in the atlantic ocean that now serve as military\/government headquarters, it's filled with people who say convenient things like \"the memo used the word 'zombies'\" and \"we've lost d.c.\" but it's also filled with jackasses who might know things but know nothing we want--they kick brad pitt's family off the boat when they think he's dead. they're smart, connected dicks. the movie uses them to dispense information and invites us to do the same and never, ever makes the mistake of trusting them. pitt's ride bails on him in israel; he has to hitch a ride on a commercial airline. it's every bit the undercutting of the military it should be, ending notwithstanding. plain old soldiers aren't so bad, and law enforcement for the most part gets a pass - the one policeman we see first acknowledges that brad pitt is totally in his rights shooting a man who's attacking his wife, then is later seen as one of a herd of attacking zombies, but hey, he's just some dude. this movie introduces the greatest red herring ever, too, under the guise of The Superscientist Who Will Save Us. guess what? he doesn't. he gives a preach speech about nature and epidemics, then, instead of either being the lugged-around brains and maybe even having Pitt's character sacrifice himself at the end so the doctor can Save The Day, his ass gets dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound and the more capable people are left to handle shit. the cultural critique is launched against cities, against reluctance, against false senses of security. against the hope that some doctor, or some force, or some wall, will protect us. and against noise, of all things. being quiet works<\/i> against these things. it's a little eerie.

the biggest message the movie hits, though, is the benefits of simultaneous strength and weakness. having faults. the hint that leads to a vaccine comes from the crippled, the dying. uncertainty is met head-on. the only seondary who stays with Pitt for long, and who survivies, and who is tough as shit, is a female Israeli soldier who survives a bite when Pitt chops her whole hand off. she has one hand.<\/i> she survives a plane crash, drags Pitt to a WHO building, and, easily holds her own through the entire rest of the film. she's like a humorless Tank Girl. i mean that as a compliment. she's tough as shit.

i keep going back to admiring the nerve of this movie to do the pacing like it did. it starts loud and end-of-world-y, then, even as it stays tense through the first and second acts, and noisy through most of the movie, it slows down and hushes up at the end. when the big BUM BUM BUM stuff should be happening, it scales down to, like, 5 people in a silent hospital, and a hide-and-seek game where the turning point is the squeak of a door hinge. the final dramatic conflict is Pitt in a well-lit, motionless cubicle with a zombie chattering its teeth on the other side. it was massively ballsy to do this, and, i think, massively effective. the only comparison of a blockbuster i can think of off the top of my head is in Jurassic Park<\/i> when the children are pursued by raptors in the kitchen, and then the tension is the thickest while the little girl's at the computer trying to get a door to lock. of course that one ends with t-rex roaring and that money shot of the \"When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth\" banner. the money here is a little more understated...

...and here's where i hit the real reason i love this movie: i'm scared of zombies. like, they're the thing i have nightmares about. i'm genuinely afraid of them. especially fast ones. the fear of beng overtaken with no choice. brad pitt injects himself with a random deadly disease, his gamble pays off and he's basically invisible to the zombies. he draws them away from the exit, they sprint toward him in a gnashing mass in a choked corridor... it's the classic bit where you're doomed. but they part right around him, and he casually goes to the exit. then goes on to start the vaccine. which works. (for now, the movie belatedly reminds us.)

brad pitt solved zombies and i love this movie for that. i almost feel weird that the world didn't end at the end of the movie, and of course brad warns me that this war isn't over, but i'll be goddamed if i learned that sometimes the world isn't gonna go to hell. a cynic like me wants to reject that ending, almost, but hey. c'mon. someitmes we can outsmart some brain-dead zombies. why not?

um, five stars? i guess? whatever, go see it.


Posted via m.livejournal.com<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/482970.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/482597.html","pubDate":"Thu, 13 Jun 2013 03:51:12 GMT","title":"The Venture Brothers is better than anything you watch, basically","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/482597.html","description":"Sargeant Hatred:<\/b> uh, Hank, you know about the birds and the bees, right?
Hank:<\/b> for, like, two years now.
Sargeant Hatred:<\/b> well, you know how, uh, some birds like birds, and some bees like bees?
Hank:<\/b> like Uncle Gentleman?
Sargeant Hatred:<\/b> right! and some birds like eggs.<\/i> and eggs are fragile, so some egg-lovers take experimental drugs to keep from liking eggs. because i don't want to like eggs.
Hank:<\/b> whatever. i already know you used to be a pedestrian.
Sargeant Hatred:<\/b> okay, okay, i'm just saying. and i like bees, too. i've had my share of honey.
*pause*
bees are ladies, by the way.
Hank:<\/b> i got<\/i> it.


this is, of course, after two founding members of the Guild of Calamitous Intent are attacked by Phantom Limb, resulting in them winding up two heads on one body in order to stay alive. oh, and David Bowie is the Sovereign Leader of the Guild. and he can transform into an eagle. and i SWEAR this is not some \"lol it's so random lol\" tv show. i aspire to write these tight of plots. and this funny. even to someone (me) upon whom the apparently many comic-book jokes are lost.

anyway. i'm a huge nerd, the end.","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/482597.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/482283.html","pubDate":"Sat, 08 Jun 2013 06:33:19 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/482283.html","description":"1. the chocolate cake shot (equal parts vodka and fragelico, iced, bite a lemon beforehand) may be the perfect shot. doesn't taste awful, is not girly. gets you shitty.

2. i'm a leeeeeetle shitty atm.

3. that ex is one dumb needy motherfucker. he texted me about the Venture Brothers season 5 premiere. i texted back, yeah, i saw it, pretty good. his responding texts? a total of five. FIVE. seriously? poor jessica, his current squeeze. what a fake-gold-plated dildo that guy really is. holy shit.

4. despite this, the venture brothers season 5 premiere is AWESOME. soylent green, the ewok village, dean as his own little man, sargeant hatred with tits. it's marvelous. i'vce watched it, what, five times?

5. damn, a round of shots reeeeeaaaally hits ya 20 minutes or so later. mmmmm

6. have no bread in the house, which is normally my alcohol-related go-to. have to construct entire drink-snack around crackers. this is a problem. i need some proper bread.

7. i miss my undergraduate diet: dinner, 1\/2 loaf of bakery french bread. breakfast (if awake), a french bread pizza with yesterday's leftovers. lunch, same.

8. went on a date with a dude, and it was good. he's funny, smart, AND cute. hopefully al 3 states last.

8a. he's from minnisooooata. how ironic, i found a vikings fan HERE.

9. seriously, those chocolate cake shots will get to ya. mmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmm","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/482283.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/481594.html","pubDate":"Mon, 03 Jun 2013 05:17:35 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/481594.html","description":"and i do feel quite sorry for his little girlfriend. imagine, having a boyfriend like that. you know, like i did.

this makes negotiating further dates with anyone a little harder, but i suppose i will get over it eventually. or not. whatever.","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/481594.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/481130.html","pubDate":"Sat, 18 May 2013 16:12:08 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/481130.html","description":"the dalai lama is here in new orleans.

he has already been photographed wearing a New Orleans Pelicans ballcap.

now we just need to make him hold up an LSU \"GEAUX TIGERS\" jersey for a picture, and\/or coerce him to be recorded saying \"WHO DAT,\" and we'll finish the job of thoroughly fucking embarrassing ourselves.

seriously, new orleans. that's the dalai lama. could we just stop with our ridiculous ego and insane levels of self-congratulatory stupidity?


Posted via m.livejournal.com<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/481130.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/480852.html","pubDate":"Sat, 11 May 2013 19:07:22 GMT","title":"we need more specific terms for ailments","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/480852.html","description":"cause i can't really say i'm \"sick.\" i'm not sick. nor can i really say i'm unwell. i mean, i'm NOT, but how do you adequately but politely indicate that you have an internal sore that prevents you from enjoying anything?

yeeeeah.

see, i've got a canker sore (or what appears to be a canker sore) the size of my pinky nail ON MY TONSIL.

not only is this a completely bizarre ailment to have, it's the most horribly painful constant thing ever. i've had worse acute pain, probably even worse chronic pain, but this... this is compounded by its utter absurdity and by the fact that it's basically on the fault-line of the gag reflex, is too far back to effectively reach while gargling, and is exposed to everything i swallow.

back when the wisdom teeth were out and i was on soft foods, i had lovely meals of black beans, mashed potatoes, spaghettios... yeah. no can do. mashed potatoes made me cry last night. so did the banana i tried to have yesterday morning. i'm down to popsicles, yogurt, a smidge of beverage (swallowing in general hurts) and small-curd cottage cheese. basically you have to imagine that any food you eat will be scraped against an open sore, then you have to consider whether that's a good idea. hot food also seem like too much of a gamble. if only i had some nice cold gazpacho whirled in a blender for a while, i guess.

so tomorrow, if i see no improvement, it's doc-in-the-box time. but in the meantime i've spent probably $30 on other measures to try to get the cocksucker to shrink or go away, including several analgesics, zinc lozenges, and my own homebrew version of \"magic mouthwash\" with liquid benadryl and maalox. nothing appears to help. except--HOARDING WIN--the little squirty-syringe i got last year during the wisdom tooth issues, which is meant to reach far back and rinse hard-to-reach places with saline. i can juuuuuuust get to the sore and squirt a little lidocaine directly on the sore. and you know how it really really hurts to hit the spot with numby stuff, but you have to wait it out 'cause you know it'll be worth it, that blissful numb? yeah. try that on your tonsil, while you're trying to deliberately hold fluid still behind your bucking tongue and on your gag zone.

*sigh*

(((well, i *did* save my extra vicodins from last year, thank goodness. a half of one of those and you don't mind swallowing as much.)))
((((that's what SHE said WHOA HO HO))))


Posted via m.livejournal.com<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/480852.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/480408.html","pubDate":"Tue, 16 Apr 2013 02:15:46 GMT","title":"why you don't understand the humidity of the Deep South in less than 200 words","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/480408.html","description":"so i did a long-overdue cleaning-out of my closets\/drawers. and at the bottom of one of my dainties bins, below a bunch of outdated underwears and such, i had kept the (probably) last of my ex's stuff. he'd had this leather cuff that he always wore, and when he, uh, took a sudden leave of absence, he left this cuff (and his favorite shirt) alongside the goodbye note. i stuffed both into the bottom of aforementioned drawer and forgot about them, with the exception of when i moved to the new apartment about 2 years ago and wondered, should i throw them out? and then thought, no, some keepsakes are okay.

cleaning out my drawers, i find the cuff. COMPLETELY COVERED IN WHITE AND GREEN MOLD as the result of living in my bedroom and being made of an organic material, namely worn leather with a smidge of boy DNA probably lurking around the edges.

a piece of leather turned to mold in my dresser drawer.

i DARE your environment to be as hot and humid as that.","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/480408.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/479704.html","pubDate":"Wed, 27 Mar 2013 16:47:44 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/479704.html","description":"i'm in DC? yes? i never know if i'm actually in the city, though, because phrases like \"in the city\" don't really matter. huh.

what does matter is i'm in a mariott lobby on free internet and have spent nearly 2 dollars on an underripe banana. i also spent $20 on a sushi lunch and a to-go which i will be enjoying later on but that at least makes some SENSE.

you can totally spot the people who are here for the conference. me, i'm dressed like a damn scrub grad student. at least today. what, i gotta impress these people? ain't like any of their schools will HIRE me ffs.

so far, i have spotted some marvelous beards. and one guy with prettier hair than mine.

i present at 11:30 tomorrow. nervous? nah, well, maybe, but nah. today i attend panels and judge them and see what's the what. i'm not really too worried about it, though, overall. i don't know why i'm here, though. i'll never be a CW instructor, so why am i here presenting on CW instruction anyway? bleh.

anywer.


Posted via m.livejournal.com<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/479704.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/478625.html","pubDate":"Thu, 14 Feb 2013 05:09:46 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/478625.html","description":"update [for one\/two people, max... you FB ninnies]:

dude who insisted we go out? further messages:

he: so when can i see you again?
me: right after you explain the girlfriend, unless you just wanted to be pals.



his response to this? she's overseas and they're in an \"open relationship.\" such was made even more clear to me when he sent me a picture of his girlfriend<\/i> holding up a piece of paper that gives him permission to pursue \"endeavors.\"

um, am i the only one that finds that stupid and\/or possibly creepy? and\/or possibly really annoying?

look, whatever. if i was, y'know, hurtin for a squirahhh you know where i'm going with that, i wouldn't mind. but if all i ever wanted was a piece of ass, i'd go out and get a piece of ass that didn't have a goddam permission slip to bang meaningless chicks.

because that stupid fucking hall pass of his makes a couple things clear: he's got a Real Girlfriend, he considers himself relieved of douche behavior, he's a fucking idiot who thinks i'll be impressed by this and somehow giggle and decide hey, yeah! i'd like to sign up to fuck you while your lady is gone. that sounds neat! (i know that there's statistically a few less dudes than chicks in the world, but are they really<\/i> in that much demand? barf.)

repeat: some guys are such cunts.","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/478625.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/478304.html","pubDate":"Mon, 11 Feb 2013 23:46:04 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/478304.html","description":"i love it when you meet a guy at a party, he insists on you taking his phone number, you text him, he finds you and adds you on Facebook, and then you see that he's got a girlfriend.

and then you get the message, \"it was great to meet you!\"

some boys are such cunts.











and yes i know that boys are obviously all tender delicate snowflakes with precious feelings and extenuated circumstances and whatever and that clearly this situation isn't what it looks like and has a totally reasonable explanation like he just forgot to not be Facebook-relationshipped to a chick before handing out his phone number and insisting that i use it.

also yes i know this is (partly) why i'm single. because i'm either a ridiculous old lady too behind the times to realize that this is the hip new way to do thing or i'm a moral idealist who doesn't realize that it's always been done this way, only idiots and squares and noobs believe in monogomy without any infidelity, baby, so roll with it.

whatever. it bugs the fuck out of me and it's GOING to bug the fuck out of me. i won't stop being bugged the fuck by it.","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/478304.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/477428.html","pubDate":"Wed, 02 Jan 2013 03:48:17 GMT","title":"been away so long i hardly knew the place. gee, it's good to be back home","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/477428.html","description":"new year's resolutions? more like new year's DISILLUSIONS har de har i'm witty

but i only have a few:
-save all the money at all the times (sub-resolutions: less eating out, less coffee out, less convenience grocery purchases, less expensive drinks out)
-no fast food at all (only exception being long-distance trips during which this is the only option because Sad Fact.)
-get my website going
-oh and write an entire novel i guess

easy peasy lemon squeezie. see you in 2014, bitchezzzz


Posted via m.livejournal.com<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/477428.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/476450.html","pubDate":"Fri, 21 Dec 2012 02:56:15 GMT","title":"holy snap!","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/476450.html","description":"that journal that accepted my story back on my birthday? i just got a check from them. FOR MONEY!

me making money<\/i> off of writing?<\/i> dude it is the End Times.


Posted via m.livejournal.com<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/476450.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/476400.html","pubDate":"Tue, 18 Dec 2012 01:50:20 GMT","title":"whaaaaat","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/476400.html","description":"thank you for submitting your story to a really well-known journal<\/u>. while we won't be publishing this story, our editors and staff readers rated it highly, and it was among our top 10 stories out of more than 500 submissions (which, i hope, explains our delay in responding to you). this type of metafiction is difficult to pull off, and you made of its high concept a story both funny and moving.

i'm sure you'll have luck placing this story elsewhere, and i'd like to encourage you to submit to really well-known journal<\/u> again.

sincerely,
[signed by the actual dude]
<\/i>

---

well! so that's the best goddam news i've gotten in a long time on the writing front.

i clawed my way out of the slushpile to the top 10?!

snap.

YAY SOMEBODY DOESN'T THINK I SUCK. OKAY, SO THEY AREN'T GOING TO PUBLISH ME BUT STILL


Posted via m.livejournal.com<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/476400.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/476022.html","pubDate":"Mon, 17 Dec 2012 05:41:41 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/476022.html","description":"well, i've tried twice now (unsuccessfully, obvi) to post emo shit about my perpetual alone-ness and whine about it, and twice this tablet, combined with the Magical Powers of The Fussiest Internet Ever Srsly Wtf, has wiped it away. i suppose that's, like, a metaphor. whatevs.

obligatory posting about being wone-wy.

the end.

p.s. i'll be in wisco in 7 days. there's that.


Posted via m.livejournal.com<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/476022.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/475819.html","pubDate":"Sat, 24 Nov 2012 20:33:57 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/475819.html","description":"i hate that wal-mart makes my favorite cracker. damn you, jalepeno cheddar cornbread squares!

btw, if you think wal-mart is disgusting, overrun, dirty, chaotic, dangerous, skeevy, and\/or generally awful, brother, you ain't seen nothing til you've seen the new orleans wal-mart. uuuuggghh.

---

never mind any of that. happy news: i am throwing another xmas rager! it's gonna rage. 5 kinds of sweets, 3 kinds of savory snacks, 2 kinds of punch, chocolate-covered-cherry jello shots. gremlins and elves and santa claus conquers the martians. so much tinsel! and a friend mentioned that she can make edible glitter.<\/i> sweet betsy!

and of course my tree is already up. gotta have my elves and spangly lights. and in new orleans, you can leave your tree up til mardi gras. convenient!","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/475819.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/475619.html","pubDate":"Thu, 22 Nov 2012 18:37:59 GMT","title":"Thankskilling","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/475619.html","description":"thankful for the only sound in the house (on the block, seemingly) to be the hiss of the oven as it bakes my frozen pizza. and that i woke up at noon and breakfast is frozen pizza.

doing a horrible chicken-and-cream-of-mushroom-soup bake thing for dinner because laaaaaazy.

already called the fam, so that's done.

so: movies, pizza, then chicken thing, more movies, then some writing, then a nightcap while out visiting my bartender buddy who always works Thanksgiving.

sadly, then sleep and work. but hey, can't win em all.

thanksgiving!

","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/475619.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/474633.html","pubDate":"Sat, 10 Nov 2012 17:31:32 GMT","title":"just making the note here so i don't forget that David Bowie nailed it","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/474633.html","description":"\"I'm in awe of the universe, but I don't necessarily believe there's an intelligence or agent behind it. I do have a passion for the visual in religious rituals, though, even though they may be completely empty and bereft of substance. The incense is powerful and provocative, whether Buddhist or Catholic.\"

yes, that.","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/474633.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/474452.html","pubDate":"Wed, 07 Nov 2012 08:08:53 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/474452.html","description":"AMERICA

FUCK

YEAH<\/font>","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/474452.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/473977.html","pubDate":"Sat, 27 Oct 2012 21:44:14 GMT","title":"this is just to say","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/473977.html","description":"...to nobody...

look, i know LJ is dead. dead as dead. but i refuse to move on because dammit, it's too sad. now all i have for long-distance friends is facebook, where instead of anything worthwhile, i read acquaintances' inane bullshit about how they don't like Mondays. just the grammar in half the posts is enough to make me want to dieeeee lol. too many people's all-caps father-in-laws commenting on pictures of people's mashed-potato babies.

ick. just ick.

but i don't want to learn any new platforms and every time i venture elsewhere on the internet, it's just full of cats.

basically i miss reading quality people's quality stuff. you people at your most boring are infinitely more interesting to me than so-and-so \"liked\" Lysol and \"in the denver airport.\"

seriously, you guys.
seriously.

btw, this is why i know next to nothing<\/i> about what's actually going on with any of you. because you can't say things like that on Facebook.

Facebook. it's amazing. an all-encompassing social network where you're surrounded by assholes (\"keep firing, assholes!\"), you know what everyone looks like in pictures and what they \"like\" but don't know what actual life is for them, and where you can't confess or vent or preen without fear of losing \"face\" in front of a constant jury.

it does provide me a place to basically try out jokes and crafted sentences. i'll give it that much.

aaaaanyway i miss you guys.



p.s. the worst part? you can't stop scrolling. you can't. it just... happens.","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/473977.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/473249.html","pubDate":"Sat, 20 Oct 2012 18:09:57 GMT","title":"short for \"summer festering\"","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/473249.html","description":"i feel like i should just make a blog of new orleans fests. there's a ridiculous amount of them. i wouldn't even have to stray beyond the city limits for a Fest of some kind most weeks, and if i included the 'burbs, i'd have a goddam Fest every saturday. Jazz Fest, Voodoo Fest, Festival in the Oak (that's more xmas lights BUT STILL), Blues and BBQ Fest, Po-Boy Fest, Essence Fest, Seafood Fest, Tennessee Williams Festival, Words and Music Fest, Saints and Sinners Fest... and then you've got the 'burbs, where you can find things like Gretna Fest, Strawberry Fest, Tomato Fest...

this weekend? Japan Fest in City Park, and something called \"Praise Fest\" on Bayou St. John.

for every Fest i've listed, there's probably two others.

oh, and then there's also Mardi Gras, 4th of July, New Year's Eve, the Superbowl, the Bayou Classic, Southern Decadence, and all the other holidays we can womp up.

jesus. this town, this town.

----

btw, today is Dense Fest: drive for a half-hour to get a $3 sandwich (the best sandwich in the world, of course), then go thrifting. Dense Fest!","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/473249.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/471741.html","pubDate":"Mon, 08 Oct 2012 04:33:20 GMT","author":"the_dense","link":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/471741.html","description":"so i'm gonna be two things for Halloween:

for trisha's annual party--this year, TV-themed--Peg Bundy.<\/b>

for Halloween itself, and the downtown-ness stuff--Phyllis Diller.<\/b>


i can't even decide which of these i'm more excited about.

unfortunately, the Peg Bundy costume is the strongest incentive to diet i've ever had, really--it's a tiger-print belted tunic and leggings,<\/i> gross. it's the absolutest perfectest Peg Bundy outfit, but what i fill it out with is plenty of ta-tas, yes, but also an undeniable Al Bundy Butt. ((heh, i should say i'm both.)) my butt sticks out barely further than my stomach. it's gross and depressing. can't i gain wait in my hips and butt? what i wouldn't give. i mean, when was the last time a dude was like, \"yeeeaaah, check out the bloated frontsection on her,<\/i> boy... i love me a big fleshy belly!\"
oh well.

Phyllis Diller is all set except for the wig, which is important. i need that wig, but those Spirit Stores are just awful. depressing and awful. they expect you only to go in and buy a costume-in-a-bag; anything else and you can't find it, you have to ask the carnies. and they don't carry anything like a Diller fright-wig, and she's not a Sexy ____ costume, so i guess i've got to go to an actual wig store and see what i can get.





uhhhhh did i mention i'm dyeing my hair red for the Peg Bundy costume?
:D

(only temporary, but it should stick around for a week or two. it'll be interesting. i've never died my hair before. i sort of can't wait.)","comments":"https:\/\/the-dense.livejournal.com\/471741.html?view=comments#comments"}]}}