Secrets Post Forty Six
Life just got insane for me again... in a good way. Not including college, which sucks.
Secret Eleven is actually 229 words, which is over the 150-word limit, but I'm posting it anyway to ask y'all a question again... Should I raise the word limit from 150 to 200, or 225/250?
Submissions Post Forty Seven will open shortly.
Please feel free to respond to the secrets in the comments by referring to their secret number. You may comment anonymously, and IPs will not be logged. Please follow the rules.
Secret Eleven is actually 229 words, which is over the 150-word limit, but I'm posting it anyway to ask y'all a question again... Should I raise the word limit from 150 to 200, or 225/250?
Submissions Post Forty Seven will open shortly.
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One.
I've told her that I'm depressed, but I haven't said just how depressed.
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Two.
I'm trainging to be a college lecturer and suddenly its like I have no idea what I have to teach anyone, I used to be confident, comfortable and happy about my knowlege base and could teach anyone but now this is official I've lost it. Oh god this is a stupid idea. I have nothing to give to anyone! Why am I doing this!
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Three.
I'm losing control of my own mind and the worst thing about it is that I know. If it just crept upon me one day and I was suddenly really depressed or suddenly really high it would be fine but I can feel myself being dragged down and its killing me. I don't want to live like this.
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Four.
You know, I could totally care less about this European vacation you're planning. We haven't even left and you're stressing me out. And, you're not doing this so I can have this great, life altering experience that I've never had. You're only doing it to make yourself look good. ("I showed her the world, aren't I great?") Because that's what you do.
Honestly, I'd rather stay home and be ignorant. Or, go without you.
And, when I get frustrated and start screaming, remember it's your priority, not mine. I really hate traveling with you.
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Five.
I thought that something had gone really well in my placement. Although nothing has been said about the session I did I just got an email that made me feel like I'm being told off for turning up when the guy I'm shadowing is ill. I was told what to do this morning and I did it, now I'm being told off. WTF!!
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Six.
I can feel in my skin and bones that I'm not exactly happy, but my brain is refusing to acknowledge it, let alone do something about it.
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Seven.
Every time I update my facebook status, it has to do with you. I'm too big of a chicken to tell you upfront about how I feel... but you are the most perfect person in this world.
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Eight.
I still love you.
Every time I see you, whatever I have with someone else - disintegrates.
Why will you not have me?
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Nine.
Every time I try to not to hate myself, I see everything thats wrong with me and it makes me want to die more
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Ten.
I tell everyone, including you, that I'm over you. Truth is: it's a lie. I thought I was but I'm not.
If you love me too, tell me. I won't say no.
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Eleven.
My friends are all happy. they're young, all in long-term and secure relationships, they work in challenging, rewarding jobs, they have a plethora of friends and events to occupy their time every week.
I'm 26, working as a part-time teacher, swamped with work and make just enough money to survive. I'm single and can't even seem to find 'average' looking people on online dating sites to go out with me. Every weekend I make calls to my friends to see if they want to hang out and do things with me, but they're busy with their long term relationships and their plethora of friends and events that occupy their time. I feel as though I have achieved nothing. I feel as though sometimes I don't deserve to be anywhere near what my friends have spent so hard working to achieve and secure. I feel as though I will never amount to anything my friends have because I am just too stupid, ugly, unlikeable and unwanted for anything or anyone in this life. I know only I can change the way I am. But after every dissapointment, after nothing but setback, rejection and ignorance, I sometimes wonder why the fuck I even bother trying.
It's enough to make me want to hurt myself. So I do. And sometimes I feel it's the only thing I can do without fucking it up.
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Twelve.
As much as I love my boyfriend of two years... I think I'm only with him for the security of a future that's more than this.
--------------------------------
One.
I've told her that I'm depressed, but I haven't said just how depressed.
---------------
Two.
I'm trainging to be a college lecturer and suddenly its like I have no idea what I have to teach anyone, I used to be confident, comfortable and happy about my knowlege base and could teach anyone but now this is official I've lost it. Oh god this is a stupid idea. I have nothing to give to anyone! Why am I doing this!
---------------
Three.
I'm losing control of my own mind and the worst thing about it is that I know. If it just crept upon me one day and I was suddenly really depressed or suddenly really high it would be fine but I can feel myself being dragged down and its killing me. I don't want to live like this.
---------------
Four.
You know, I could totally care less about this European vacation you're planning. We haven't even left and you're stressing me out. And, you're not doing this so I can have this great, life altering experience that I've never had. You're only doing it to make yourself look good. ("I showed her the world, aren't I great?") Because that's what you do.
Honestly, I'd rather stay home and be ignorant. Or, go without you.
And, when I get frustrated and start screaming, remember it's your priority, not mine. I really hate traveling with you.
---------------
Five.
I thought that something had gone really well in my placement. Although nothing has been said about the session I did I just got an email that made me feel like I'm being told off for turning up when the guy I'm shadowing is ill. I was told what to do this morning and I did it, now I'm being told off. WTF!!
---------------
Six.
I can feel in my skin and bones that I'm not exactly happy, but my brain is refusing to acknowledge it, let alone do something about it.
---------------
Seven.
Every time I update my facebook status, it has to do with you. I'm too big of a chicken to tell you upfront about how I feel... but you are the most perfect person in this world.
---------------
Eight.
I still love you.
Every time I see you, whatever I have with someone else - disintegrates.
Why will you not have me?
---------------
Nine.
Every time I try to not to hate myself, I see everything thats wrong with me and it makes me want to die more
---------------
Ten.
I tell everyone, including you, that I'm over you. Truth is: it's a lie. I thought I was but I'm not.
If you love me too, tell me. I won't say no.
---------------
Eleven.
My friends are all happy. they're young, all in long-term and secure relationships, they work in challenging, rewarding jobs, they have a plethora of friends and events to occupy their time every week.
I'm 26, working as a part-time teacher, swamped with work and make just enough money to survive. I'm single and can't even seem to find 'average' looking people on online dating sites to go out with me. Every weekend I make calls to my friends to see if they want to hang out and do things with me, but they're busy with their long term relationships and their plethora of friends and events that occupy their time. I feel as though I have achieved nothing. I feel as though sometimes I don't deserve to be anywhere near what my friends have spent so hard working to achieve and secure. I feel as though I will never amount to anything my friends have because I am just too stupid, ugly, unlikeable and unwanted for anything or anyone in this life. I know only I can change the way I am. But after every dissapointment, after nothing but setback, rejection and ignorance, I sometimes wonder why the fuck I even bother trying.
It's enough to make me want to hurt myself. So I do. And sometimes I feel it's the only thing I can do without fucking it up.
---------------
Twelve.
As much as I love my boyfriend of two years... I think I'm only with him for the security of a future that's more than this.
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Please feel free to respond to the secrets in the comments by referring to their secret number. You may comment anonymously, and IPs will not be logged. Please follow the rules.