{"@attributes":{"version":"2.0"},"channel":{"title":"like harvard, west point, and google all rolled into one","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/","description":"like harvard, west point, and google all rolled into one - LiveJournal.com","lastBuildDate":"Mon, 27 Jan 2020 18:45:02 GMT","generator":"LiveJournal \/ LiveJournal.com","image":{"url":"https:\/\/l-userpic.livejournal.com\/119315255\/16641017","title":"like harvard, west point, and google all rolled into one","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/","width":"100","height":"100"},"item":[{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/60169.html","pubDate":"Mon, 27 Jan 2020 18:45:02 GMT","title":"Snowflake Challenge #8 - Rec Some Fanworks!","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/60169.html","description":"<blockquote>Rec at least three fanworks that you didn\u2019t create.<\/blockquote><br \/>The hardest part is narrowing the list down!<br \/><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/21461218\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>The 'Do Not Fucking Touch Me' Tour<\/b><\/a> by <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/MellytheHun\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/3cdce4d15c5d6e0618729f133bfd2f60ece139844709733bfb642cb8675da832\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h03lyBT7tFit_V_A3GmtarRkU0BwhxH1t4tU1b0jTdbEFY:eSw4q2xxRfv19aL5Rd9Q-w\" alt=\"[archiveofourown.org profile] \" style=\"vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/MellytheHun\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>MellytheHun<\/b><\/a><\/span>, IT [King\/Muschietti], Richie\/Eddie -- IT fandom sort of ate me alive back in November, and after I read this story it stayed as an open tap on every device I own until like last week. I've re-read it so many times -- I desperately want to podfic it! -- and it's such a culmination of all my feelings about this fandom, this pairing, and Richie Tozier specifically. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/18370160\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>the way a whetstone hones a blade<\/b><\/a> by <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/softestpunk\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/3cdce4d15c5d6e0618729f133bfd2f60ece139844709733bfb642cb8675da832\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h03lyBT7tFit_V_A3GmtarRkU0BwhxH1t4tU1b0jTdbEFY:eSw4q2xxRfv19aL5Rd9Q-w\" alt=\"[archiveofourown.org profile] \" style=\"vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/softestpunk\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>softestpunk<\/b><\/a><\/span>, Wied\u017amin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Emhyr var Emreis\/Morvran Voorhis -- this is a pretty rarepair! I hadn't encountered it before. Wonderfully done, so evocative and thoughtful. <i>But Emhyr\u2019s warm eyes glittered as he looked. Morvran had long wanted Emhyr to look at him just like this. They had corresponded while Morvran had been touring the empire and allied states, Morvran sending weekly reports of all the things he\u2019d seen and getting approximately monthly responses and updates on the goings-on of Nilfgaard, and the war in the North. He had been endlessly pleased to have so much of the emperor\u2019s time to himself, especially when his attention had been occupied elsewhere.<\/i><br \/><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/series\/1527764\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>Mr. Sandman [Series]<\/b><\/a> by <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/pterawaters\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/3cdce4d15c5d6e0618729f133bfd2f60ece139844709733bfb642cb8675da832\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h03lyBT7tFit_V_A3GmtarRkU0BwhxH1t4tU1b0jTdbEFY:eSw4q2xxRfv19aL5Rd9Q-w\" alt=\"[archiveofourown.org profile] \" style=\"vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/pterawaters\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>pterawaters<\/b><\/a><\/span>, Stranger Things,<br \/>Jonathan Byers\/Steve Harrington\/Nancy Wheeler -- grab your tea, lap-oriented pet, and a weekend, because this 300k series is well worth the deep dive. It's a fork of Season One, with a focus on the OT3 romance and relationships, but also does so much work acknowledging the emotional holes in the series to date and working to address them thoughtfully and engagingly. Just wonderul -- while it's not technically finished, the author is solid about finishing up a storyline before moving on to the next. <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/pterawaters\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/3cdce4d15c5d6e0618729f133bfd2f60ece139844709733bfb642cb8675da832\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h03lyBT7tFit_V_A3GmtarRkU0BwhxH1t4tU1b0jTdbEFY:eSw4q2xxRfv19aL5Rd9Q-w\" alt=\"[archiveofourown.org profile] \" style=\"vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/pterawaters\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>pterawaters<\/b><\/a><\/span> began posting in November 2019, and has consistently been posting chapters on a multi-day weekly basis over the last three months; I'm beyond impressed. You don't need much if any Stranger Things canon knowledge to read this story, so it's a good entry point for someone new to the canon and\/or only familiar with the fandom. Epic, heartfelt, and adventuresome.<br \/><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/4706195\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>Bang to Rights<\/b><\/a> by <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/concernedlily\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/3cdce4d15c5d6e0618729f133bfd2f60ece139844709733bfb642cb8675da832\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h03lyBT7tFit_V_A3GmtarRkU0BwhxH1t4tU1b0jTdbEFY:eSw4q2xxRfv19aL5Rd9Q-w\" alt=\"[archiveofourown.org profile] \" style=\"vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/concernedlily\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>concernedlily<\/b><\/a><\/span>, Kingsman, Eggsy\/Harry, AU. <i>Constable Unwin never met a tailor before, but he knows this bloke who keeps turning up at his crime scenes ain't one.<\/i> This was an absolutely fantastic AU; Eggsy became police instead of running petty crime, but still manages to encounter one Harry Hart nonetheless. This story does a fine job of making Eggsy and Harry on more equal footing with one another at first meeting, which is rather nice, and shows us an Eggsy who's gained the experience and confidence he eventually ends up with in the film up-front, as a result of several years as a copper. This AU twist gives the story something more of a James Bondish\/Mission Impossible feel, while staying true to the spirit of canon. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/724235\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>Retroactive Hitting<\/b><\/a> by <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/Sibilant\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/3cdce4d15c5d6e0618729f133bfd2f60ece139844709733bfb642cb8675da832\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h03lyBT7tFit_V_A3GmtarRkU0BwhxH1t4tU1b0jTdbEFY:eSw4q2xxRfv19aL5Rd9Q-w\" alt=\"[archiveofourown.org profile] \" style=\"vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archiveofourown.org\/users\/Sibilant\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>Sibilant<\/b><\/a><\/span>, Inception, Arthur\/Eames -- Inception produced honestly some of the best PWPs out there in fandom at large, and this is a fine example. <i>That\u2019s the behaviour of an Eames who\u2019d thought Arthur to be mildly homophobic, not shy. And Eames as he was then would have had no compunctions about ordering lace panties if it aided his efforts in discomforting a homophobic man. Eames of six months ago knows better. He knows Arthur craves affection like others crave food. He knows Arthur wraps his pride around himself like plate armour, and Eames of six months ago would think such a prank to be a serious misstep because it would leave Arthur feeling betrayed, like he\u2019d exposed himself to Eames, only for Eames to fail to appreciate it. But the Eames of now knows even better. He knows Arthur is not as vulnerable as all that, for all Arthur may be gentle at the core. Eames-as-he-is-now knows that it\u2019s a misstep because Arthur\u2019s sense of shame is non-existent. <\/i><br \/><br \/>Enjoy, let me know what you think!","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/60169.html?view=comments#comments","category":"snowflake challenge"},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/60135.html","pubDate":"Mon, 27 Jan 2020 18:12:25 GMT","title":"Snowflake Challenge #7 - Rec Yourself!","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/60135.html","description":"<blockquote>Promote\/Rec\/Sing the Praises* of Yourself! <\/blockquote><br \/><br \/>This kind of self-affirmation prompt is always an interesting challenge -- I've done versions of this in therapy before, particularly as a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.mayoclinic.org\/tests-procedures\/cognitive-behavioral-therapy\/about\/pac-20384610\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">CBT exercise<\/a> to re-frame my experience of ADHD from the negative to the positive. It's always a thoughtful one for me, because I have well-earned self-confidence about myself mixed with some of the ADHD characteristic personality quirks that translates to excessive pride or intentional intimidation on the part of neurotypical people I've worked and socialized with. <br \/><br \/><ul> <li>I'm a strong short-story writer. Most of my work stays under 5000 words, not from any intention to do so, but natural inclination towards concise prose. Usually I'm working to hit a very specific beat, and the story naturally concludes once I've gotten there. At the end of the day, I write for me, and I genuinely do go back and read my own works if one crosses my mind, or a story gets recced somewhere. Often I'll do a re-read when I'm reminded of a story from the daily AO3 kudos email! A couple favorite stories are: <br \/><br \/><ul> <li><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/22438126\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>Only Inaction<\/b><\/a>, Generation Kill, Brad\/Nate -- this one packed a lot of my thoughts and feelings about Brad, and Brad and Nate, together with some of the favorite lines I've written to date. <i>The days he'd thought of all the things he wanted to do to Nate Fick, to the LT, were the days he could concentrate on something other than the body count and the staid British voices rattling out the news on his radio. The nights he'd let himself have the thought of something he'd never allow otherwise meant his two hours of sleep came quicker. None of those strategies had included the scenario of Nate here, seemingly offering everything Brad wanted but thought he'd hidden effectively. It was fucking terrifying to think that Nate was able to read him. No one was able to read him.<\/i><br \/><br \/> <li><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/599952\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>Come See About Me<\/b><\/a>, Haven, Duke Crocker\/Audrey Parker\/Nathan Wuornos -- I loved this OT3 so very much, and I poured my feels about them into this story. <i><\/i>\"Where's my phone?\" she asked, scanning the room. \"I'll call and tell him to come over right now, we can do this whole thing like you both haven't been playing chicken for fifteen years.\" Duke looked alarmed and tightened his hand on her calf. \"Uh, no?\" he said. \"No, no, and also, no. There will be no calling of Nathan Wuournos tonight, or any other night that involves your compromised judgement.\" She grinned at him. \"You like my compromised judgement,\" she said, and was rewarded with his flush.<\/li><br \/><li><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/2765516\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>Desperately Seeking Spielberg<\/b><\/a>, Guardians of the Galaxy, gen -- honestly this still makes me laugh every time I read it. It was borne as much from my knowledge of Guardians comics canon as the films and their wonderful portrayals of some of my favorite MCU characters. I started giggling <i>as I was writing<\/i>, imagining Peter Quill attempting to recall the plots of all those rad '80s moves he would have loved but couldn't necessarily remember perfectly. The combination of aggression and innocence of the rest of the Guardians, demanding the stories, felt note-perfect.<\/li> <\/li><\/ul><br \/><br \/> <li>I love podficcing and have a blast doing it! I started being trained to read & speak before an audience in elementary school, and my first job was at the local AM radio station in my hometown; as podfic became more normalized in fandom as a fanwork, it was a total hook for me to combine something I enjoy -- reading aloud -- with something I love, fandom. Here's a couple faves:<br \/><br \/><ul> <li><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/11731971\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>Graduate Vulcan for Fun and Profit [Podfic]<\/b><\/a>, Star Trek AOS, gen, story by <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/lazulisong.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/user.png\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/lazulisong.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>lazulisong<\/b><\/a><\/span> -- one of the few of my own podfics I ever have the impulse to listen to! This was an incredible story, and as I read it for the first time I <i>knew<\/i> I was going to podfic it, because I could hear every line so clearly in my head. This was just as AOS fandom was beginning its upswing, and all the character voices -- both new and classic -- were fresh in my brain, lending pretty strong voices to the characters in the fic. Of course, I listen to it now, ten years later, and I can hear all the things I wish I could fix, the bad minor edits and some inconsistencies in voice acting, but it's still pretty excellent. It's definitely my most-loved podfic, and still gets the occasional comment or rec here and there.<\/li><br \/><li><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/2093097\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>[Podfic of] a distinct lack of tutus<\/b><\/a>, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Rosa\/Amy, story by <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/users\/Fahye\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Fahye<\/a> -- this was a group effort, recorded with a cast of wonderfuls at the 2014 <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bitchinparty.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/community.png\" alt=\"[community profile] \" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/bitchinparty.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>bitchinparty<\/b><\/a><\/span>. I jumped at the chance to voice Rosa, and I think I nailed it! I listened to it again recently, and was very pleased with how it all turned out. <\/li><br \/><li><a href=\"http:\/\/templemarker.adamao.org\/?p=309\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b> Rudy\u2019s Guide to Auras and Fair Game Play<\/b><\/a>, download link <b><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mediafire.com\/file\/zdm40ynzvq5\/gk_rudysguide.mp3\/file\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">[here]<\/a><\/b>, Generation Kill, gen, original story by sparky77 -- this is a qualified rec, because I absolutely fucking <i>love<\/i> this story and the podfic I did of it, but it's a combination of holes at the moment: it's on my old personal archive but not uploaded to AO3, the podfic file was hosted on the Audiofic Archive but it looks like the file itself was lost in website crash several years back, the story was posted on the author's livejournal which is now locked and was never cross-posted to AO3. Whew. Fortunately I <b><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mediafire.com\/file\/zdm40ynzvq5\/gk_rudysguide.mp3\/file\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">have a backup copy at Mediafire<\/a><\/b>, and you can find a copy of <a href=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20090828234629\/https:\/\/sparky77.livejournal.com\/622391.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">the original story at the Wayback Machine<\/a>, bless it and give it all your money. I don't have time to coordinate an upload to AO3 at the moment, but hopefully soon. This story is <i>so funny<\/i> and as such, despite my efforts, I couldn't completely quell my amusement as I recorded this; it still delights and amuses me so so much.  <\/li><\/ul><br \/><\/li><br \/><\/ul><br \/><br \/>Let me know what you think, or if you've read them before, your memory of the fanwork. ;)","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/60135.html?view=comments#comments","category":["podfic","snowflake challenge"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59854.html","pubDate":"Tue, 21 Jan 2020 18:27:21 GMT","title":"Snowflake Challenge #6 - Wishlist","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59854.html","description":"<blockquote><i>In your own space, make a list \u2014 anything between one and ten things is a sweet spot, but don't feel constrained by that! - of things that you wish existed in fandom or elsewhere, or that you'd like someone to make for you. Are you dying for podfic of your writing? Do you need icons for a character that doesn't get much fanart? Is there a story you want to read? Are you looking for new canons to get into? Would you like a collaborator for a project?<br \/><br \/>Maybe you want more people to talk about a certain fandom with, or you'd love to trade ficlets with somebody over email. Maybe you're new to a fandom and would like some recs to start reading, or communities to join. This is the time to ask!<\/i><\/blockquote><br \/><br \/>Hmmm. I don't think I've ever really thought of gifted fanworks this way -- when I'm signing up for a challenge I usually try to think as broadly as my interests go, to make it appealing for whomever I'm matched with; I don't tend to think in specifics! But lemme give this a try. <br \/><br \/><ol><br \/><li>I would really love some Witcher icons, from the game particularly but also from the television show! I haven't seen any but I haven't gone looking, either. I'd love a couple of Geralt icons and Ciri ones too. Links to existing icon posts would be most welcome too!<\/li><br \/><li>I've had a couple of my stories made into podfics, and each time it's a treat! I'd love to see more podfic of my work -- maybe <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/189840\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Random Acts of Gayness<\/a> [Hawaii 5-0] or <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/302789\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Charm and Fix<\/a>? I offer blanket permission, just let me know that you've done it so I can link to it, and tie it into the fic on AO3. If the fic is on my <a href=\"http:\/\/templemarker.adamao.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">personal archive<\/a> but not yet AO3, let me know and I'll make transferring it a priority.  The list of podfic of my fic that I'm aware of is available at the <a href=\"http:\/\/audiofic.jinjurly.com\/category\/templemarkerauthor\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Audiofic Archive, bless them.<\/li><br \/><li>Ya'll, I am terrible at AO3 tags. It just has not come natively to me to tag my fanworks. One of my intentions for the year is to knock out posting several more fanworks from my old school personal archive to AO3. I know that one of the barriers to doing this, besides the general tedium, is that when I get to the freeform tags section I draw a blank -- I just don't know what the unspoken tagging conventions are, what would help make the fic appealing for potential readers, what content warnings are appropriate. It would seriously make my year to connect with a couple of people interested in spitballing tags with me, as an incentive to actually follow through on posting my older fic, and to tackle my tag blindness. Maybe a couple of people up for an entertaining chat on Discord or something? This one seems a little farfetched, so thanks for even considering it! xoxo<\/li><br \/><li>I love creating podfic, and I'm hoping to re-dedicate myself to the art of it this year by properly dedicating some time to it. One thing that always trips me up a bit is cover art -- I usually make a rudimentary cover in Paint and call it a day. I would be <i>thrilled<\/i> to collaborate with an artist (clever Photoshop aficionado, digital art, pen and ink -- any method  is brilliant!) to come up with the fanart equivalent of a drabble or ficlet. Better cover art would be a super dream wish of awesome. <\/li><br \/><\/ol><br \/><br \/>&lt;3 Thanks for taking a look.<\/a>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59854.html?view=comments#comments","category":"snowflake challenge"},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59453.html","pubDate":"Thu, 16 Jan 2020 15:09:33 GMT","title":"Snowflake Challenge #5 - Goals","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59453.html","description":"<blockquote><i>Comment to someone you haven't ever interacted with before or introduce yourself to someone you've briefly interacted with and friend\/follow them. <\/i><\/blockquote><br \/><br \/>Oh boy, I've been friending and following like crazy thus far into January. One of the things about the fandom diaspora that drives me nuts is that people will have different handles across different platforms, which makes it challenging to know who is who, and whether I want to follow them. <br \/><br \/>I say this with my handle is the same across all platforms, but I don't mean it in a judgey way. Just a -- my brain struggles to connect several variations on an identity with one another. <br \/><br \/>So all this posting and linking in <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/snowflake-challenge.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/community.png\" alt=\"[community profile] \" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/snowflake-challenge.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>snowflake_challenge<\/b><\/a><\/span> has given me a super useful tool to run into people here that I haven't really followed since the LJ days. Most excellent.","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59453.html?view=comments#comments","category":"snowflake challenge"},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59157.html","pubDate":"Thu, 16 Jan 2020 14:57:00 GMT","title":"Snowflake Challenge #4 - Goals","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59157.html","description":"<blockquote><i>In your own space, set some goals for the coming year. They can be fannish or not, public or private.<\/i><\/blockquote><br \/><br \/>I'm not really a goal-setter or keen on resolutions. Particularly over the last six years or so I've had to just -- let go, as gracefully as possible, of goals, ambition, big ol' to-do lists. For my experience of ADHD, the whole concept of goals is just fruitless and unhelpful: either the tasks and time associated with the goal will be too intimidating to get going, or I'll get anxious and depressed when something inevitably derails my ability to do stuff. <br \/><br \/>It's been a weird point of contention with my youngest sister and her husband -- they're both very methodical, dedicated, follow-through kind of people, and part of how they've grown together is by supporting each other in their individual and coupled goals. Many times they've tried to include me in this kind of goal-based planning, and every time I try to explain why it doesn't work for me neither of them really understand. They won't outright suggest that it's laziness or lack of motivation, but they way they respond hints at those reactions. <br \/><br \/>I can work on <i>tasks<\/i> on a small scale -- for work projects, or for errands. Sometimes for fandom things I want to do. Even then I can't always work through the executive dysfunction and constant inclination towards distraction to even <i>make<\/i> a list, much less follow through on one. But goals or resolutions, particularly quantifiable ones, just aren't realistic. <br \/><br \/>The other thing too that makes goals and resolutions unappealing is that I've effectively completed the bucket list I dreamt up as a kid. It was never a formal or proper list, but it was a clear set of things I was absolutely determined to do. And I did them! By the time I was 28 I'd either done the thing I wanted to do, or dropped it for something else. And while there's a handful of things that I think it would be fun or interesting to do in the rest of my life, those ideas have been substantially tempered by the realities of my physical capabilities these days. <br \/><br \/>At most I'll think something like, I'd like to go to the Opera this year. Or I'd like to devote more time to my spiritual devotions. Or I'd like to kick out more fanfiction than I did the year before. But those are sort of -- perpetual goals, you know? Things I'd be happy doing at any point in my life, without a quantity attached, that I won't feel inclined to beat myself up too badly about if my life is derailed by mental or physical health issues for a time.<a name='cutid1-end'><\/a><br \/><br \/>All that exhaustively said, here's a couple of low-key, chill things that it would be nice to work on in 2020. <br \/><br \/><ul style=\"list-style-type:square;\"><br \/>  <li>Kick something out for <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/collections\/Psychic_Wolves\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Psychic Wolves for Lupercalia<\/a>. It's such a fun challenge and I don't think I've managed to get anything out of WIP and finished into the collection before.<\/li><br \/>  <li>In general I'd like to follow through more on writing down the fic I come up with in my head, whether it ends up as drawerfic or on AO3. <\/li><br \/>  <li>I'd really like to produce more fanworks as a matter of course. I particularly miss making podfic more regularly; there are artificial barriers I need to knock out to make decent recordings, so that would be a target. I'm hoping too that I'll catch up with my podfic friends at Bitchin' Party this April to do more collaborative podfic -- I *loved* doing that. <\/li><br \/> <li>I'd like to return to a frequent habit of journaling, both on DW and in my hardcopy notebooks. It would be a good practice to get back into.<\/li><br \/> <li>Recently I realized that a majority of the events I've been looking up were musical -- concerts, performances. I want to see more live music, make something of an effort to go out and experience it, if I can hack my body into letting me. I feel so energized after a concert, and that's a feeling I'd like to have more often.<\/li><br \/> <li>I'd like to continue my longstanding project of uploading the fic I've written over the last decade to AO3. It's been slow going, only a handful have made it, but it would be so nice to have everything in one place.  <\/li><br \/><\/ul><br \/><br \/>That's pretty good. Just the right level of intentional but not excessively aspirational. <br \/><hr><br \/><br \/>\u00a7 In 2019 I added 13 fics to AO3, six of which were done for Yuletide during a write-in  with <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/perpetual-motion.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/user.png\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/perpetual-motion.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>perpetual_motion<\/b><\/a><\/span> where we picked prompts for one another. [It was super fun.] All together, it was about 17,000 words, and one podfic, though the podfic was for one of the fics I wrote in 2019. <br \/><br \/>In 2018, I published 1 fic; 2017, 1 fic, 1 upload of an older podfic to connect it to its story on AO3 and update the download link for folks; 2016 saw 12 fics, two of which were uploads of earlier fic not previously posted to AO3, one podfic, and ~18,000 words. <br \/><br \/>2015 saw 18 fics, ~27,000 words, no podfic. 2014, 12 fics, two podfics [both collaborations at Bitchin' Party that year], ~17,000 words. 2013, 8 fics, ~14,000 words. <br \/><br \/>It's interesting to see those stats this way, because I was unemployed and on disability between 2014-2016, which gave me more space to write. I started working part-time again in 2017, and the effort of working while still in recovery from health issues just flattened me completely, evident in 2017-2018's minimal presence. I started to really get back to baseline in early spring 2019, which coincided with <i>The Magicians<\/i> revving me up [before it broke my heart] and inspiring half of the fanworks I posted last year. <br \/><br \/>I'm definitely on my baseline now, for given values of being in my thirties and disabled in ways I wasn't 5-7 years ago. Hopefully this will lead to some follow-through on my fanwork production in 2020. <a name='cutid2-end'><\/a>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59157.html?view=comments#comments","category":["fanworks","podfic","*****","fandom","writing","snowflake challenge"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59126.html","pubDate":"Tue, 07 Jan 2020 12:35:48 GMT","title":"Snowflake Challenge #3 - Favorite Communities, Fests or Challenges","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59126.html","description":"Favorite fandom comms\/fests\/challenges! Okay, this will be select because I cast a pretty wide multifannish net over fandom.<br \/><br \/>Before the fibromyalgia got debilitating five years ago I was way more active -- generally. I can end it that way, I was more active generally, as a writer and a participant. The last five years have largely changed my fannish habits to those of an iceberg -- partially visible, mostly lurking large beneath the surface. So some of these I once participated in, but haven't in awhile -- but I love seeing the results! <br \/><br \/><span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/narniaexchange.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/community.png\" alt=\"[community profile] \" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/narniaexchange.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>narniaexchange<\/b><\/a><\/span>, the Narnia Fic Challenge. I'm pretty sure I've been idly yet persistently thinking about Narnia since my parents first read <i>The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe<\/i> to me when I was four. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/collections\/Psychic_Wolves\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Psychic Wolves for Lupercalia<\/a>, a low-key challenge <a href=\"https:\/\/petra.dreamwidth.org\/854021.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">that just opened for its ninth year<\/a>, modded by the lovely <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/petra.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/user.png\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/petra.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>petra<\/b><\/a><\/span>. I love this trope so very much. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/ITPE_mod\/status\/1190800095853318144\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">#ITPE<\/a>, the annual <a href='https:\/\/www.livejournal.com\/rsearch\/?tags=%23InformalTwitterPodficExchange'>#InformalTwitterPodficExchange<\/a>. This challenge is such a treat, every year. <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/twitter.com\/ITPE_mod\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/461c52f75ef4164079b041a2c838ce62cb1dfcf60b92c574a7810177551788bf\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0y1mLU6ZWnZ7Q_BWbk8CzAUkpDgl-HUIzqw:v55RDbYqDB5Zl_MOjQcXOA\" alt=\"[twitter.com profile] \" style=\"vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/twitter.com\/ITPE_mod\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>ITPE_mod<\/b><\/a><\/span> always brings the joy, and hours of podfic joy to one's iPod. (Proverbial or otherwise.)<br \/><br \/><span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/hall-no.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/community.png\" alt=\"[community profile] \" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/hall-no.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>hall_no<\/b><\/a><\/span>, The Leonard Cohen Title Challenge (Any Freaking Song but Hallelujah), which was created by <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/minim-calibre.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/user.png\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/minim-calibre.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>minim_calibre<\/b><\/a><\/span> late last year. Love the idea, and the parenthetical cracks me up. I've got something on the back burner for this one. <br \/><br \/><span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bitchinparty.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/community.png\" alt=\"[community profile] \" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/bitchinparty.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>bitchinparty<\/b><\/a><\/span>, also known occasionally as Pacificon but I don't think I've called it anything other than Bitchin' Party in the last decade. Super thrilled to be able to attend this year with <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/perpetual-motion.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/user.png\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/perpetual-motion.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>perpetual_motion<\/b><\/a><\/span> after a long absence; I had tickets and everything in place for the last one, but fibro's a bitch and takes no prisoners. On the bright side, I was able to pass my registration on to <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/pi.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/user.png\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/pi.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>pi<\/b><\/a><\/span>, and use some frequent flier miles to send Rhea out there in my stead. That felt amazing, to be able to gift that experience. <br \/><br \/><span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/access-fandom.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/community.png\" alt=\"[community profile] \" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/access-fandom.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>access_fandom<\/b><\/a><\/span>, \"improving disability access in fandom\". It's a low volume comm, with great posts and strong discussion. <br \/><br \/>Anything good out there I should know about? Where do you like to spend your time?","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/59126.html?view=comments#comments","category":["#itpe","#informaltwitterpodficexchange","snowflake challenge"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/58723.html","pubDate":"Tue, 07 Jan 2020 04:16:28 GMT","title":"Snowflake Challenge #2 - Talk About Your Fannish History","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/58723.html","description":"Oh man, fannish history. I touched on it a little in my <a href=\"https:\/\/templemarker.dreamwidth.org\/56578.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">last post<\/a>? Buffy, bulletin boards, mailing lists, etc. <br \/><br \/>My family was a very early adopter of at-home dial-up internet, which is saying something in rural Appalachian Tennessee in the 90's. My mother worked remotely, and dial-up was a work expense. Being young, feisty, and technically-minded, I became the family sysadmin by default when I was twelve; by the time I was thirteen every minute that wasn't spent in some extracurricular activity -- or, worse, when my mother was working on the computer, or other family members <i>wanted to use the internet<\/i> [!!!] was spent slavishly devoted to our good ol' Mac PowerPC. <br \/><br \/>Below, a select early cut from my fandom history.<br \/><br \/>I had discovered Star Trek very early, probably ten or eleven, in the form of early <i>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine<\/i> reruns. DS9 would go on to -- genuinely -- write my future out for me; I became an academic philosopher because of Star Trek, and specifically because of the political philosophy of DS9. <br \/><br \/>Similarly I can't even recall when I first watched Star Wars. I know I watched the original trilogy well before the remastered editions were released to home video, because I saw each of the original trilogy in our little rural cinema when the remastered cinematic versions were released in 1997. When the boxed set of all three remastered films was released it was quite literally all I wanted for Christmas. Maybe you remember -- the special deluxe remastered VHS edition with the Vader helmet in relief? <br \/><br \/><center><a href=\"https:\/\/templemarker.dreamwidth.org\/file\/375.jpg\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/templemarker.dreamwidth.org\/file\/100x100\/375.jpg\" title=\"Star Wars Original Trilogy\" alt=\"Star Wars Original Trilogy Special Remastered Deluxe Edition\" fetchpriority=\"high\" \/><\/a><\/center> <br \/><br \/>I am almost certain I got the Bronze Special Edition, which was the standard screen formatting of 4:3 at the time, and while I can't be entirely certain this isn't a made-up memory, I vaguely recall biting my lip, devastated that it wasn't the wide-screen silver box set edition. I said thank you and was grateful anyway. I'm pretty sure I wore those VHS tapes down to the magnetics. <br \/><br \/>Anyway! I was a rabid sci-fi fan, I would read nearly anything that our pitiful, censorious little public library would hold and often the stuff that would creep into fantasy as well. When all those AOL coasters first got sent out, it became -- initially -- the most cost-effective way for my mom to remote in to work; and then it became the center of my creative world.<br \/><br \/>Back in The Day, AOL established these chat networks around whatever random shit people were a fan of, which, unsurprisingly, included both Star Trek and Star Wars. By the mid to late nineties, text-based RPGs were old hat in video gaming, and text-based tabletop-style RPG gameplay in AOL chatrooms was the clear next step to network both the text-based RPG style with D&D-like rules and mechanisms. I was thirteen (very probably twelve) when I joined my first Star Trek RPG, going through an \"ensign\" initiation to train the user on how to play before becoming a Lieutenant Junior Grade assigned to any one of a random assortment of \"ships of the line\" that were disparate RPG chatrooms, interconnected by the shared \"Federation-Starfleet\" network. <a name='cutid1-end'><\/a><br \/><br \/>You have no idea how nostalgic I am writing this down.  Those chatrooms were my ur-fandom: hours and hours just <i>gaming down<\/i> with randoms from all over the country. I look back now and I was so, so lucky: I was definitely a minimum of five years younger than any other person there, because at 12\/13 my writing and speech patterns masked my age; generally people seemed to think I was in my twenties, and my age was a secret I hoarded like a jealous dragon. I was a queer as fuck  neuroatypical AFAB tweeny kid from bumfuck Appalachia -- all my worldly knowledge came from the easily thousands of books I consumed with the desperation of a dehydrated Ent. And I <i>unfailingly<\/i> read as if I was in my early twenties, which was all I longed to be from pretty much the ages of 12 to 19. <br \/><br \/>Those AOL chat rooms gave me life, and creativity, and exposure to other humans who, somehow, from the magic of Roddenberry's utopian philosophy in Star Trek, treated me like a <i>person<\/i>, not some know-it-all kid whose closest friend was the librarian. (I joke, I kid; those librarians side-eyed me like the worst church ladies, and I worked to deserve it.) <br \/><br \/>I found a passion for the ethics of Star Trek that rivaled my own; a dedication and determination to tabletop storytelling that humbled any hubris as a writer I might have been developing; compassion and kinshsip in private chats when I said I was queer for the first time to another person. It wasn't that I found an escape, although it assuredly was escapism -- it was that I found the <i>rest of the world<\/i> out there, in Star Trek (and Star Wars) AOL RPG chats in the 90's. And that world that I was so desperate and hungry for <i>saw<\/i> me, and accepted me, and welcomed me; and said: go for it, kid. Be whoever you want to be, not only in the Trekverse, but in the real three-dimensional world, too. Make the 'verse bend around you, even if you only show your colours later in life. It doesn't make them any less true. <br \/><br \/>Like I said, I got lucky. I never experienced manipulation or predation online, as a tweenager in those early internet days. And as I grew out of what AOL and its Trek-Warsian RPG chats could offer, I stumbled naturally into fanfiction, and from fanfiction into my deeply beloved Buffy message board. It was twenty years ago that I found my Buffy people, my <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/minim-calibre.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/user.png\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/minim-calibre.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>minim_calibre<\/b><\/a><\/span> and all who came with. (I can't effectively recall who is on DW and who is not, but know that I adore you none the lesser for it.)<br \/><br \/>More than two-thirds of my life has been defined, enriched, and elevated by fandom. It is the gift of this life, for me.","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/58723.html?view=comments#comments","category":"snowflake challenge"},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/58586.html","pubDate":"Thu, 02 Jan 2020 11:11:05 GMT","title":"Snowflake Challenge #1 - Introduce Yourself","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/58586.html","description":"I kind of feel like a lemming in the sense of -- well, a bunch of my friends are doing <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/snowflake-challenge.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/community.png\" alt=\"[community profile] \" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/snowflake-challenge.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>snowflake_challenge<\/b><\/a><\/span> so I'm gonna do it too! Bunch up on that cliff, friends, here I am with ya. <br \/><br \/>I'm <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/templemarker.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.dreamwidth.org\/img\/silk\/identity\/user.png\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/templemarker.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>templemarker<\/b><\/a><\/span>, same ol' handle on every platform. There are a lot of platforms; I did a decent job of collecting them all on my <a href=\"https:\/\/templemarker.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">profile<\/a>, for reference. <br \/><br \/>I am hilariously multifannish; I pick up new fandoms like hair ties, forever indenting my wrists. Sometimes it's from the media to the fandom, sometimes it's from the fandom to the media, sometimes it's kicking back and auditing (possibly lovingly mocking) a fandom of a close friend and in the process becoming a fan without ever actually engaging with the media. <br \/><br \/>2019 was a very good year for interesting, delicious fandoms, for me -- the IT movies, Schitts Creek, a fun uptick of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine around the <i>What We Left Behind<\/i> film. So many more. <br \/><br \/>A rocky one too -- The Magicians series 4 finale was devastating in a way that I don't think I'll recover from, fannishly, but at the same time it gave me a truly amazing coterie of friends that I've been chatting with near-daily since March or April. And of course Star Wars IX capped out the year, leaving me feeling more ambiguous about the franchise than at any point in my multi-decade love affair with it, which is just weird as fuck. <br \/><br \/>I've been kicking it in online fandom spaces for something like twenty-two or twenty-three years, and it amazes me just how much and many incredible fanworks there are. Quality and number both are exponential, compared to back when I started, in ye olde AOL Star Trek & Star Wars chat rooms, Buffy the Vampire Slayer bulletin boards, and mailing lists. There is never a single moment when I don't have something incredible to read, watch, interact with, or otherwise delight me. We can definitely talk about the ways in which fandom has fractured, the ways in which cultures of negativity flourish and are louder than ever before, the ways in which the never-actually-that-bright lines between fans and the media that inspires fannishness have dimmed, often for the worse (though not always). <br \/><br \/>But stars above help me, I remain a pragmatic optimist, and it never fails to amaze me just how resilient fandom is; how profound fanworks can be; and how much joy I get, every single day, from fandom and the people in it. <br \/><br \/>Thanks, you know. For sticking around. For being as much of a fanperson as I am after all these years. It means the world.","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/58586.html?view=comments#comments","category":"snowflake challenge"},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/58256.html","pubDate":"Tue, 23 Apr 2019 12:12:36 GMT","title":"an extraordinary uncertainty of judgement [The Magicians 4x13]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/58256.html","description":"Last week's season finale of The Magicians kind of -- drop-kicked my writing brain and activated my analytical brain, in ways that have been hard to shake over the last six days. I've been on an information processing jag, following the various media and viewer and fandom responses to the episode, and to the season, and to The Magicians as a whole. And I've been contributing to others' works and thoughts around the episode and the show, in ways that engage the litcrit academic aspects of my thinking, which are never really that far away to begin with. <br \/><br \/>I don't really have anything to add that the cogent and courageous <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/greywash.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/0e3bc668830efaaff76b1941fc35381bab7f866071e177610deb75598bac6e0a\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0g0o-lRBm3nIevQ:HdkiFf8UpTV4vUAOKyvrNQ\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/greywash.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>greywash<\/b><\/a><\/span> hasn't put out into the world -- I refer you to their essay <a href=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/@greywash\/on-fannishness-privilege-and-a-whole-other-grab-bag-of-entitled-millennial-bullshit-81ea4148a6d0\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>On Fannishness, Intersectionality, & a Whole Other Grab-bag of Entitled Millennial Bullshit<\/b><\/a> on Medium [<a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/18507757\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">based of initial meta reaction on AO3<\/a>] to which I am proud and humbled to have contributed to; as well as their thoughtful response to the <a href=\"https:\/\/soundcloud.com\/user-367560378\/episode-413-no-better-to-be-safe-than-sorry-with-lev-grossman-and-olivia-taylor-dudley\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Physical Kids Podcast<\/a> episode from last week, responding to the finale alongside guests Lev Grossman (author of the books on which the show is based\/consultant to the show) and Olivia Taylor Dudley (who portrays Alice on the show), which covers all the important points raised in our off-DW discussion of the podcast episode -- available on <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/aka_greywash\/status\/1120209537330368512\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Twitter<\/a> or on <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/18507757\/chapters\/43985818\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">AO3<\/a>.  <br \/><br \/>I would also direct you to <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/cleolinda.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/0e3bc668830efaaff76b1941fc35381bab7f866071e177610deb75598bac6e0a\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0g0o-lRBm3nIevQ:HdkiFf8UpTV4vUAOKyvrNQ\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/cleolinda.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>cleolinda<\/b><\/a><\/span>'s most excellent essay <a href=\"https:\/\/cleolinda.dreamwidth.org\/1062004.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>The Magicians S4 Finale Aired Five Days Ago And I'm Still Mad As Hell<\/b><\/a>, which does serious hero's work compiling a -- well -- a fuckton of links about The Magicians and 4x13, and works through both critical and personal responses to the episode with a vigour and determination I can only admire. <br \/><br \/>That said, there are a few things in particular that I can't quite shake in my own criticism of the show and particularly of 4x13 that I'm going to call out in this post to look at them more clearly. Just in case -- please note that this post contains discussion of depression, mental health, suicidal ideation, and suicide consistent with its presentation in The Magicians and explicitly in response to the presentation of those matters in episode 4x13, \"No Better to Be Safe Than Sorry\". It also, of course, contains spoilers for The Magicians series to date.  <br \/><br \/><center><b>\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7<\/b><\/center><br \/><br \/>The thoughts I'm wrestling with stem primarily from this exchange from  <a href=\"https:\/\/www.hollywoodreporter.com\/live-feed\/magicians-season-4-finale-death-explained-jason-ralph-exits-1202736\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">the Hollywood Reporter Interview<\/a> with Sera Gamble, John McNamara, and Henry Alonso Myers: <br \/><br \/><blockquote><b>Episode seven of this season, \"The Side Effect,\" explicitly challenges the idea that a fantasy story needs a \"white male protagonist.\" Was that moment part of the buildup to Quentin leaving the show?<\/b><br \/> <br \/>Gamble: Yes, that was a huge part of the conversation for us. This is a fantasy show about people who are fans of fantasy, so they know what kind of movie or story they\u2019re in when they\u2019re on an adventure or a quest. That opened some doors for us as writers to really examine the classic arc we would be putting everybody on, and question why it must be so, and ask ourselves what would happen if we did things a little bit differently. <br \/> <br \/>Myers: As the show has gone on, we\u2019ve had a chance to lean into some of our other characters more, and when we do that, we realized the show is just as strong if not stronger when it\u2019s leaning into other perspectives. The experimental nature of the show, and the fact that we've been able to do episodes like \"The Side Effect\" suggested to us that not only is this something that we would survive, it's something that actually might be a great shot in the arm for us.<br \/> <br \/>McNamara: And from a dramaturgical point of view, it's kind of great that at last, the white male lead on a show is no longer safe. <\/blockquote>    <br \/><br \/>So, here's my breakdown. <br \/><br \/>1. <i>The white & male privileges of fantasy and sci-fi.<\/i> I read and watch and write about genre media extensively -- particularly I've been reading fantasy and science fiction since I could read to myself, so something like thirty years. I know from my white male protagonists; further to that, I tend to be particularly watchful for protagonists in media who are not actually white, or male, and the ways Western culture defaults to the conceptualization of genre protagonists as white and male even when they are explicitly written otherwise. Before the late aughties and the trend towards more abstract book covers, it was hilariously common for the cover of a science fiction or fantasy novel to portray the characters in the book as almost uniformly white, with a significant bias towards depicting male characters (even when the character was not white, or the protagonist was non-male in gender). <br \/><br \/>I've been watching science fiction and fantasy television for nearly as long as I have been reading genre books, and particularly in the nineties and early aughties when I was growing up it was typical if not expected that the lead in a genre show would be white and male. It takes nothing to come up with ten: Stargate SG-1, Stargate: Atlantis, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Highlander, The Sentinel, The X-Files, Twin Peaks, Quantum Leap, Sliders, SeaQuestDSV, Smallville, Farscape, Star Trek: Enterprise, Babylon 5, Angel, The Dead Zone, Roswell (the original), Supernatural. <br \/><br \/>That's 18, but then again -- that's 18. <br \/><br \/>Of course there were shows that offered a different lead -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Witchblade, Xena: Warrior Princess, Joan of Arcadia, Dead Like Me, Star Trek: Voyager -- and they are important, but they are also exceptions, \"brave new voices\" in a genre dominated by the White Male Protagonist. (Even then, we're mostly looking at white women leads -- I really can't overstate the significant of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine during the nineties presenting a black man as a ranking officer in the world of Star Trek, the lead of a Star Trek show, who went through a complex, challenging storyline that actively engaged in addressing racism while writing Sisko as a black man, not as a cipher for a white man.)<br \/><br \/>So going into The Magicians, having read the first book, I was very prepared to Deal With Quentin Coldwater, who I found utterly trying as a point of view character. And it was difficult -- I skipped a lot of scenes in season one, because I just did not have time for that bullshit. (More specifically, I really struggled with the construction of Julia's arc as an addiction narrative that ends in violent rape.) <br \/><br \/>As the show developed, I was surprised to find that I gradually became more sympathetic towards Quentin; the clinching moment for me was in episode 1x11, \"Remedial Battle Magic\", where Alice is saying that the Physical Kids (PKs) shouldn't use the emotional bottles, and instead should try to learn battle magic like she is; to which Quentin replies, \"Do you even hear yourself sometimes? I am trying. This is me trying.\" (paraphrased)<br \/><br \/>That was the first moment where I actually recognized my own experience in Quentin's characterization. That is -- precisely what being inside depression, being flattened by physical ailments feels like, to me. <i>I am fucking trying.<\/i> And that -- is when I started paying attention to him as a character, and not just as the White Guy Who Is Our Entry To This World.<br \/><br \/>I get it. I do. Thoroughly and with a lot of audience experience. Quentin is our protagonist. He is white, and he is male, and he's the lead and the initial fulcrum for the involvement of the other characters in the story. Jane Chatwin and Henry Fogg underscore this in-universe when it's revealed that Quentin's Timeline Zero interaction with Martin Chatwin as the Beast changed things for the first time after Jane's countless efforts to otherwise defeat her brother. Or, alternatively stated, this White Man(boy) did something that a White Woman and Black Man could not do that would ultimately save the world. <br \/><br \/>But that moment, that \"I'm trying\" statement, frustrated and unheard and with the weight of depression behind it, was the moment that I stopped thinking of Quentin as That White Guy and began thinking about him as a person with depression. Which meant, too, that I stopped thinking of Quentin as a walking trope, and started thinking about him as a <i>person<\/i>. <br \/><br \/>And I think that is what I was meant to do, by the show. <br \/><br \/>In the same episode, 1x11, \"Remedial Battle Magic\", Quentin drunkenly and with poor judgment falls into bed with Margo and Eliot. Much like Eliot's sexuality is presented on-screen without a coming out scene, so too does Quentin's; it is a fact, an aspect of Quentin's identity. So we can call it bisexuality or sexual fluidity or, if I'm really straining here, \"heteroflexible\"; but none of those phrases make him any less queer. <br \/><br \/>For McNamara to say: <i>And from a dramaturgical point of view, it's kind of great that at last, the white male lead on a show is no longer safe<\/i>; and for Gamble and Myers to affirm the interviewer's question: <i>Episode seven of this season, \"The Side Effect,\" explicitly challenges the idea that a fantasy story needs a \"white male protagonist.\" Was that moment part of the buildup to Quentin leaving the show?<\/i> generates a contextual fucking problem. <br \/><br \/>They stopped writing a White Male Lead in season one. They started writing a man who is queer, has depression, and is white. <br \/><br \/>So, two things -- first, it's reductive if not outright disingenuous to, as EPs and writers, describe the character they've spent four years developing as only white, and only male. If that is what Quentin remained at the end of Season One, if that's all he was by the end of the series, I can't imagine I would be that bothered by his death; to be honest I doubt I would be watching it at all. <br \/><br \/>Furthermore, it does a remarkable disservice to Jason Ralph's portrayal of Quentin, a portrayal the EPs routinely hawk and highlight as one of the best parts of the show. Ralph not only brought Quentin to life, he took the very qualities I found so irritating in the book and created a performance that showed emotional vulnerability, personal growth, and compassion. He portrayed Quentin as he was written -- a man who is queer, has depression, and is white. To characterize his performance as simply an iteration of hegemonic demographics is -- let's just go with disrespectful. <br \/><br \/>Second, as people who appear to be white, McNamara, Gamble, and Myers are simultaneously non-specific about their intentions with 4x13 while framing their choices as progressive. Myers says: <i>we realized the show is just as strong if not stronger when it\u2019s leaning into other perspectives<\/i>, eg non-white male perspectives and that Quentin's death was informed by 4x07 \"The Side Effect\" which: <i>suggested to us that not only is this something that we would survive, it's something that actually might be a great shot in the arm for us<\/i>; Gamble says the showrunners: <i>ask ourselves what would happen if we did things a little bit differently<\/i>; and McNamara says, of course: <i>it's kind of great that at last, the white male lead on a show is no longer safe.<\/i><br \/><br \/>There's an element of privilege, and of white privilege in particular, that creates a defensiveness in those that bear these privileges who struggle or outright deny the possession of such privilege. One of the ways white privilege specifically iterates defensiveness is by attacking others who bear the same privilege, to perhaps show that <i>no, no, I don't have white privilege, see, look at me calling out all these white people over here<\/i>. It's a defence mechanism that makes the privileged person feel better about themselves while defusing the threat of realizing their own privilege. For white people, for these evidently white people, to frame the death of a white character as a progressive story choice <i>because of that character's whiteness<\/i> speaks more to the white privilege these folks bear than progressive storytelling. <br \/><br \/>This is evidenced by vague phrases like \"leaning in to other perspectives\" and \"a great shot in the arm\" for the show. The Magicians was already an ensemble show, an ensemble of characters that are women, that are people of color. From the first episode, Quentin's storyline is immediately paralleled by Julia's storyline -- which <i>was<\/i> a progressive choice, because it took the focus solely off Quentin and made equal Julia's storyline too. It's troubling to think that the showrunners didn't believe that their ensemble show could truly be an ensemble until Quentin was killed off. It's problematic to learn from their interviews that they didn't believe they could prioritize other characters' storylines in the ensemble without killing off Quentin. It's disappointing in extremis to realize that the showrunners never considered that the Quentin they were writing had a place in that ensemble as a man who was depressed and queer who was also white. <br \/><br \/>Are we, as an audience, supposed to take away from this that we can't have stories about non-white, non-male characters unless the White Male character is dead? Are we supposed to only engage with characters via their demographic identities without deeper characteristics or experiences? Are we really supposed to believe that there can't be stories where white people and brown people and people of color and women and men and people of various genders coexist in fiction? <br \/><br \/>What the fuck kind of progressive storytelling is <i>that<\/i>?<br \/><br \/><center><b>\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7<\/b><\/center><br \/><br \/>2. <i>The idea that \"the white male lead on a show is no longer safe.\"<\/i> My struggle here is twofold. One - how the showrunners perceive identity; and two - applying the value of \"safe\" to a suicidal depressive. <br \/><br \/>So, one. I have no doubt that in previous interviews the EPs and writers and others involved in the production of The Magicians have described Quentin in various ways beyond being a white male. But the nature of this interview, and its context alongside the season four finale, demand interrogation. <br \/><br \/>How do we construct identity? What induces us, as individuals, to lay claim to a particular facet of our personality or life? I, for example, identify as queer -- but it's not the first thing I tell people. My line is that being queer is one of the less interesting things about me. I am more likely to frame my identity through disability, because doing so makes the difference between accessibility and lack thereof in real-world situations. I disclose disability as part of my identity because it has framed nearly every other aspect of my life, from the work I do to the food I eat to the people I choose to spend time with. I am Hard of Hearing, neuro-atypical, and manage major depressive disorder. <br \/><br \/>I call myself a philosopher, because I earned a degree in the academic subject and continue to teach and publish in the discipline. I identify as someone who passes for white, who benefits more often than not from white privilege. I struggle to articulate myself as a person who doesn't feel gendered, who is perceived unambiguously as female and performs niche femininity in my sartorial choices. <br \/><br \/>These are all aspects of my identity, of how I perceive myself, how I convey my identity to others, how I build community and solidarity. What I often say in an introduction or short bio is that I am a disabled academic who is queer and loves dogs. Any random could -- and probably does -- look at me and think, oh, that's a straight white woman with a hearing aids.<br \/><br \/>Quentin is a person who is male, one who manages major depression, is queer, and is white; he's an academic and bibliophile. He deals with suicidal ideation. He is a lower-case magician. <br \/><br \/>Okay. How many of those aspects of Quentin are considered by the showrunners to be <i>part of Quentin's identity<\/i>; how many considered merely characterization? <br \/><br \/>This is the crux of it -- how people, including characters, identify themselves <i>matter<\/i>. Being queer isn't just characterization. It defines Quentin -- regardless of whether he comes out, or says, \"Hi I'm Quentin, a Bisexual\" to the next person he meets. Having depression, struggling with suicidal ideation also defines Quentin, so much so that it's our introduction to him in 1x01, the basis for a malicious nightmare in 1x04 \"The World in the Walls\", manifested on screen in 3x06 \"Do You Like Teeth?\". and articulated even in death in 4x13. <br \/><br \/>So -- what is the disconnect here, on the part of the showrunners. In creating the character, writing his story, bringing him to life through Jason Ralph, at what point do the identities the show wrote for Quentin cease being identities, and only become characterization? <br \/><br \/>I keep circling back to the white privilege of Gamble, McNamara, and Myers, who in seeing Quentin's identity so narrowly as a White Man are declaiming their own white privilege by killing off one of their own.<br \/><br \/>And, two. The phrase \"no longer safe\" fucking <i>concerns me<\/i>. Quentin was never safe to begin with. Quentin wasn't safe in 1x01, when he checked himself into an in-patient mental health clinic. Quentin has never been safe, and it is insincere and unscrupulous of the EPs to claim otherwise. <br \/><br \/>The closest The Magicians could have gotten to actually, textually killing off a White Male Protagonist would be Todd or Hyman -- because neither of them has been given identities other than their race and gender within the story. It doesn't work, of course, because they are both recurring characters, played for laughs. <br \/><br \/>The Magicians did kill off Martin Chatwin, who was both white and male, and conceivably as the villain could be considered on par with our protagonists. But that too doesn't work, because Martin was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and more specifically a <i>male<\/i> survivor of childhood sexual abuse, a highly marginalized subgroup. <br \/><br \/>So what white male is \"safe\" on this show? Quentin certainly isn't. Eliot -- white, male, protagonist -- has never been safe, as a queer person, a survivor of emotional abuse, a person who struggles with alcoholism and addition. Josh -- white, male -- is never the lead, but even so, as a Jewish person identifying him as white ignores the racial marginalization Jews experience all over the world, and the low-key allegory of lycanthropy to HIV further removes him from any real safety. <br \/><br \/>No one on this show has ever been safe. McNamara, in particular, is acting outside of good faith on the part of the show by asserting that any character, much less the characters who are white and male, have ever been safe. That ultimately was part of the intrigue of the show, for me; that terrible shit happened to everyone, not just the brown ones or the female ones or the queer ones. But more importantly, that they all <i>survived<\/i> the bad shit that happened to them, and carried on, one way or another. <br \/><br \/>The Magicians has, season after season, presented us with complicated characters who struggle with a myriad of issues both internal and external, and survive them to live another day. The show never needed to tell me outright that these characters, any of them -- no less Quentin -- weren't safe. We already knew that.  <br \/><br \/>For those of us who live with so many of the same issues as the characters -- the showrunners didn't need to tell us that we weren't safe either. We most definitely already knew that too, thanks. <br \/><br \/><center><b>\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7<\/b><\/center><br \/><br \/>3. <i>Intention vs impact.<\/i> I've been working my way through Carl Jung's late essays, collected in \"The Undiscovered Self\"; and these lines from \"The Language of Dreams\" jumped out at me, so relevant: <br \/><br \/><blockquote>One uses a word or a concept, for instance, that in another connection has an entirely different meaning of which one is momentarily unconscious, and this can lead to a ridiculous or even a disastrous misunderstanding. Even a most carefully defined philosophical or mathematical concept, which we are sure does not contain more than we have put into it, is nevertheless more than we assume.<\/blockquote><br \/><br \/>I've lived through a lot of fandoms over the last two decades, and I've seen and experienced many a terrible fucking thing on the part of a show, movie, book, video game, etc. I don't really give my trust to any piece of media -- the last time I did was probably Buffy, and even then I tended more towards the analytical over the visceral. <br \/><br \/>With 4x13, I really don't expect anything to come of the reactions to the finale. I don't believe the showrunners or the network will ever apologize, even to use an apology as a way to prevent loss of viewership. I definitely don't believe the show will contrive to bring Quentin back for season five, and I  don't think Jason Ralph would renew his contract either. <br \/><br \/>I don't think that, in the scheme of things, emails to the network or tweets to the showrunners or any of the beautiful, thoughtful, crucial essays folks have written will make any real difference -- for one thing The Magicians is still a pretty niche show, with comparatively small Nielsen viewership. <br \/><br \/>I don't expect, although I would like to hope, that an interview will come out over the hiatus where the showrunners are more circumspect and compassionate and illustrate an understanding of how their finale episode can be interpreted. <br \/><br \/>I am doubtful that the fandom will make it, at least not in its current iteration -- fandoms have been broken on much less significant canon events than this. (But please prove me wrong on this one.)<br \/><br \/>So the thing I'm wrestling here is, definitely, about the disconnect between what the showrunners and writers clearly <i>thought<\/i> they broadcast and the reality of what I and so many others actually interpreted from the broadcast. But it's also about the response of the showrunners to that interpretation.<br \/><br \/><i>[A concept] which we are sure does not contain more than we have put into it,<\/i> Jung states, <i>is nevertheless more than we assume.<\/i><br \/><br \/>This should be so obvious as to be redundant, but in practice almost never is. From the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.vulture.com\/2019\/04\/the-magicians-finale-death.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Vulture Interview<\/a>:<br \/><br \/><blockquote><b>Are you at all worried that someone might read this episode as suggesting that suicide is an act of bravery? \ufeff<\/b><br \/><br \/>John McNamara: I definitely don\u2019t want to write pro-suicide television. It\u2019s irresponsible, and it\u2019s too simplistic, frankly. Someone being incredibly heroic in the moment, and also having subconscious self-destructive tendencies, makes drama interesting and not cartoonish. For anybody who wants to just really bat around all the layers of what Quentin did, the best way to do that is to not kill yourself. Stay alive and debate that issue. <br \/><br \/>Quentin is a fictional character, he comes from Lev Grossman and me and Sera and every writer on this show. And as a group, we really make an effort whenever we deal with substance abuse, or sexual assault, or suicide, to put a suicide hotline notice on the episode. Because obviously this could be triggering, and that\u2019s not our intent. Our intent is to really rigorously and realistically explore human behavior, and if the show simplifies human behavior to the point where it\u2019s a cartoon, you\u2019re doing a greater disservice to the world of mental health.<\/blockquote><br \/><br \/>You'll notice that McNamara does not answer the question directly -- he says \"Because obviously this could be triggering, and that\u2019s not our intent.\" <br \/><br \/>It just -- is irrelevant whether the intention of the showrunners was to depict Quentin's death as suicide or not. Intention is always irrelevant when it comes to art -- once you put it out there, it's out there, for the audience to make of it what they will. Committing to putting up the Suicide Prevention Hotline actually does more to affirm the interpretation of his death as suicide that anything else. <br \/><br \/>By engaging with the ambiguity of his death in-text, by having Quentin's grave secret be the question of whether he succeeded in suiciding or not, the show punts answering to the viewers. Quentin could have died, and never have asked his grave secret question, and -- while I would still be over here side-eyeing the ending and considering it passive suicide regardless -- Quentin's death could have been read simply as his death, begging a wide variety of interpretations with none of them being definitive.<br \/><br \/>Introducing the grave question, introducing Quentin's own uncertainty about his death as a suicide, was a choice. It was a choice whose intention was to \"really rigorously and realistically explore human behavior\". <br \/><br \/>And [from Gamble in THR]: \"We wanted him to explicitly ask that question [of whether he killed himself], because suicidal thoughts have been a part of his journey for the whole series, and a huge part of his backstory...But because this has been such a painful and constant part of Quentin's life, it made sense that he would ask about it. It gave us an opportunity to close the circle that was opened in the pilot when he's facing the psychiatrist and trying to deal with his own mental health.\"<br \/><br \/>But intention =\/= impact. What the showrunners and writers put together, what they see in 4x13 (eg \"I watched the scene where he dies, and to me there's no question that he's being heroic, and he's being selfless in that moment, and he has done the math really fast and he's done what he needs to do to save his friends\", from Gamble, also THR) ultimately does not matter once it's broadcast to the audience. What the <i>audience<\/i> sees determines the impact of the show. What the audience interprets becomes the impact of the show. <br \/><br \/>If a creator has to tell me how I should interpret their work, then they have failed their work. If a creator has to <i>assure me that a death isn't suicide<\/i>, they have failed, as Jung says, to recognize that their work is \"nevertheless more than we assume.\"<br \/><br \/>I maintain that, if the showrunners were serious in their efforts to engage with Quentin's suicidal ideation, they should have invited one of the many suicide prevention organizations to consult with them. (I'm relatively confident that a suicide prevention organization would have watched the episode and said, \"but you're showing characteristics of a suicide.\")<br \/><br \/>The infuriating this about this, really, is that in these two interviews you have the showrunners and writers being asked questions about Quentin's death being interpreted as a suicide; and then answering not about the <i>potential interpretations of the audience<\/i> but their own meta-textual beliefs about the Quentin's death. McNamara says: \"obviously this could be triggering, and that\u2019s not our intent.\"<br \/><br \/>The fact of it being triggery has absolutely fuck-all to do with the intention of it being not-triggery. Fuck. All. The actual impact to the audience, the potential trigger of suicide, the ambiguity of Quentin's death -- intention means <i>nothing<\/i>. <br \/><br \/>McNamara says in THR: \"I believe, as one of the writers of that script, that he did not consciously kill himself, and I think the scene by the fire with Penny answers that. But it's complicated, and there has to be a little bit of ambiguity.\"<br \/><br \/>There really doesn't. And deliberately maintaining that ambiguity, of whether's Quentin's death was a suicide, while simultaneously -- by the same person! -- saying \"obviously this could be triggering, and that's not our intent\" is so casually merciless I find myself deeply confused about what show, exactly, I've been watching all along. <br \/><br \/>This was emphatically not ameliorated by the responses of the showrunners [<a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/serathegamble\/status\/1120477798374813699\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Gamble<\/a>] and writers [<a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/alonsomyers\/status\/1120481882225938432\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Myers<\/a>], which were clearly coordinated and blandly supportive without actually acknowledging <i>why<\/i> their fanbase has reacted so negatively. (I will note not exclusively negatively, particularly by professional media outlets recapping the finale.) <br \/><br \/>At the end of the day, it reads like the showrunners and writers knowingly broadcast Quentin's death and purposefully left it ambiguous whether he suicided within the text of the show; while stating outside the context of the show that they did not believe it was suicide, as though doing so would convey their intention, overlaying any potential triggery impact to the show's audience. But intention =\/= impact. And there is always more to the concept one puts out into the world than intended. <br \/><br \/><center><b>\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7<\/b><\/center><br \/><br \/>I haven't come to any firm conclusions about my continued interest in The Magicians. I would like to continue to write fiction, engage with fandom. I am very fond of all the characters on the show, and I want to know what happens to them in the forthcoming season. <br \/><br \/>At the same time, I wonder if I'm watching the show the creators think they are producing; and I am not thrilled at the idea of continuing to support the creators after the season finale. I'm not certain I want to watch a program that can be so tone-deaf and reckless with its stories, its characters, and especially its audience. <br \/><br \/>But I definitely have eight months to think about it. <br \/><br \/><a name='cutid1-end'><\/a>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/58256.html?view=comments#comments","category":["the magicians","meta"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57967.html","pubDate":"Mon, 22 Apr 2019 10:04:27 GMT","title":"Notes from 3AM, A List","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57967.html","description":"<ul><li>I have a sleep disorder that basically means my body is always trying to be awake during the nighttime hours and sleep during most of the daytime hours; and usually I'm awake for like twenty-thirty hours at a time, and then sleep for 8-11. Its -- challenging? Is that sufficient to convey the situation? It's more or less equivalent to being eternally jet-lagged. It affects .13-.17% of the population -- so pretty rare -- and is probably genetic in origin. The upshot is that I am usually awake when most people are asleep; if I'm lucky the folks in GMT will be waking up only a few scant hours after the folks in PST go to sleep. Mostly though I am alone with my thoughts.&nbsp;<\/li><li>I cannot stop thinking about The Magicians, which I guess is no big surprise, but I've been in analytical mode for the last five days; and right now there is no more Magicians information to process, but I can't get my brain out of analytical mode. Which -- I can't write, despite wanting to write; and I can't read because I'm in the wrong processing space for fanfiction; and I can't (easily) shift out of thinking and wanting to think about The Magicians to finish off my library books. It's like -- my brain is the spinny beach ball you get on a Mac when a process hangs up.&nbsp;<\/li><li><em>But seriously I have so many things I want to be writing.&nbsp;<\/em><\/li><li>Alternatively I wish I could be talking to someone because sometimes that can be sufficient to get me out of one mode or another, but see again, 0300 PST.&nbsp;<\/li><li>I have exhausted Twitter, Tumblr, and Dreamwidth.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Regardless, I have a doctor's appointment at 0715 PST, four hours from now, so -- somehow I gotta get through.&nbsp;<\/li><li>I hope you are all having a restful night's sleep.<\/li><\/ul>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57967.html?view=comments#comments","category":["the magicians","stuff and things","real world pdx"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57600.html","pubDate":"Wed, 17 Apr 2019 06:32:18 GMT","title":"FIC: both her terror and her gentleness, by templemarker [The Magicians]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57600.html","description":"<b>both her terror and her gentleness<\/b> by <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/templemarker.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/0e3bc668830efaaff76b1941fc35381bab7f866071e177610deb75598bac6e0a\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0g0o-lRBm3nIevQ:HdkiFf8UpTV4vUAOKyvrNQ\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/templemarker.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>templemarker<\/b><\/a><\/span><br \/><br \/><b>Rating:<\/b> Mature<br \/><b>Length:<\/b> 1700 words<br \/><b>Content notes:<\/b> No warnings apply.<br \/><b>Author notes:<\/b> Takes place during 4x12 \"The Secret Sea\", during the scene where Alice, Penny, Quentin, and Plover are in the Drowned Garden. I wanted to dig into Alice's perspective on, well, everything in the episode. For <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/fan-flashworks.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/25b8cc6017d8474e0b63cfb6eff43e0d32367cca38d34b41edc48848054680e3\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0hs08ksahX7bIaeR410SuQ:hUAnb2gz8pI1LUVEppFhJw\" alt=\"[community profile] \" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/fan-flashworks.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>fan_flashworks<\/b><\/a><\/span> challenge #260 - Cave, and my <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/fan-flashworks.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/25b8cc6017d8474e0b63cfb6eff43e0d32367cca38d34b41edc48848054680e3\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0hs08ksahX7bIaeR410SuQ:hUAnb2gz8pI1LUVEppFhJw\" alt=\"[community profile] \" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/fan-flashworks.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>fan_flashworks<\/b><\/a><\/span> bingo card square \"step\". <br \/><br \/><b>Summary:<\/b> <i>On her better days, Alice can believe that she once understood the world, enough to live in it like a person, a person with a soul. The person she was before she was a Niffin, before she cursed her friends to obscurity and herself to the Library's imperfect incarceration. <\/i><br \/><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/fan-flashworks.dreamwidth.org\/1897596.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>both her terror and her gentleness<\/b><\/a><br \/><br \/><br \/>Soooo this is currently posted at the <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/fan-flashworks.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/25b8cc6017d8474e0b63cfb6eff43e0d32367cca38d34b41edc48848054680e3\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0hs08ksahX7bIaeR410SuQ:hUAnb2gz8pI1LUVEppFhJw\" alt=\"[community profile] \" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/fan-flashworks.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>fan_flashworks<\/b><\/a><\/span> community; when the challenge ends I'll post it to AO3 and update my post here with the tags etc. <br \/><br \/>The title is from the following quote by Hildegard von Bingen:<br \/><br \/><blockquote>She is so bright and glorious that you cannot look at her face or her garments for the splendor with which she shines. For she is terrible with the terror of the avenging lightning, and gentle with the goodness of the bright sun; and both her terror and her gentleness are incomprehensible to humans.... But she is with everyone and in everyone, and so beautiful is her secret that no person can know the sweetness with which she sustains people, and spares them in inscrutable mercy.<\/blockquote><br \/><br \/>Now my girl Hildegard was talking about the Femine Divine, and I love that phrase \"both her terror and her gentleness are incomprehensible to humans\" because it feels so very Alice, while at the same time being so very fucking feminist and therefore true to all women, however one comes to be a woman. [Hildegard was writing in the 12th century CE!]<br \/><br \/>The thing is -- okay, I'm generally not one to write episode reaction fics, but throughout 4x12 it felt like Alice was in one story, and Quentin was in a <i>really really different<\/i> story, and I really wanted to write a female character after all the words I've spent on Quentin and Eliot. And particularly Quentin. Who I love. But also ladies. <br \/><br \/>Like -- in Alice's story, Quentin totally forgave her for all her terrible shit! And wants to rebuild their relationship! And they shared this amazing kiss! And Quentin is bringing her along on his quest! She'll be so supportive and really listen and not become an abusive sociopath this time!<br \/><br \/>But in Quentin's story -- and, like, I hope in canon -- Quentin just lost his other best friend to the fucking Monster, two of the people he loves are going to fucking die, Alice has been helpful and not awful and is one of only two people he cares about still standing (see also Margo). He's not going to make it through this without someone else there. So he swallows his concerns, summons up the energy, and reaches out to Alice. And she -- kisses him. He... doesn't stop her from kissing him. Why are they kissing? Why does Alice think their romantic relationship is restarting? He just wanted to see if they could be friends again, if he could rebuild his trust in her after everything. Plus also two of his best friends are probably going to die. It's not the best headspace. <br \/><br \/>So I wanted to poke a little at Alice's perspective on things, because I genuinely believe she has been trying and making progress in dealing with her (epic) shit; and while it hurt to watch, I can totally believe her jumping right to \"and now we're dating again!\" If Quentin can forgive her, if Quentin can still want her after everything, then maybe she really can forgive herself. Maybe she can be okay again. <br \/><br \/>The thing is -- you can't ever get your shit right if you're relying on someone else to make it right for you. You can't forgive yourself for the shit you did by proxy, through someone else's forgiveness. <br \/><br \/>And it is really, terrifically sad to see Alice desperately jump to \"making things the way they used to be\", while also being completely plausible and in character for her to do so. Just -- in 4x11 \"The 4-1-1\", season one Alice says to season four Quentin, \"You were the best thing that ever happened to me.\" And (setting aside whether that piece of characterization is actually consistent) that line sets up everything that subsequently happens between Alice and Quentin in 4x12. <br \/><br \/>Sooooo here's my last-minute effort to get this episode reaction fic out there before tomorrow's season finale. Hoo boy. <br \/><a name='cutid1-end'><\/a>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57600.html?view=comments#comments","category":["fan_flashworks","fan_flashworks bingo","the magicians","#260","quentin\/alice","will write for pancakes"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57449.html","pubDate":"Mon, 15 Apr 2019 12:50:35 GMT","title":"PODFIC: memory serves, by templemarker [The Magicians]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57449.html","description":"<a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/18275405\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>memory serves [podfic]<\/strong><\/a> (33 words) by <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/users\/templemarker\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>templemarker<br \/><\/strong><\/a><br \/>Chapters: 1\/1<br \/>Fandom: <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/The%20Magicians%20(TV)\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">The Magicians (TV)<\/a><br \/>Rating: Mature<br \/>Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply<br \/>Relationships: Quentin Coldwater\/Eliot Waugh<br \/>Characters: Quentin Coldwater<br \/>Additional Tags: it's not NOT quentin-eliot, they're always in the background, Depression, canon-typical suicidal references, fuck me what a tag, Canon Disabled Character, Disabled Character, Mental Health Issues, Monsters, q could really use that filliorian opium right about now, Podfic, Podfic &amp; Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, Read by the Author<br \/><br \/><div>Summary:<\/div><p style=\"margin-left: 40px;\">But this is far from the first time Quentin has sat in a room with a monster that has a vested interest in fucking Quentin up from the inside out.<br \/>&nbsp;<\/p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https:\/\/f002.backblazeb2.com\/file\/podwork\/memory+serves.jpg\" height=\"300\" width=\"300\" alt=\"\" fetchpriority=\"high\" \/><\/p><center><p>[image description: cover image of &quot;memory serves&quot; podfic]<\/p><\/center><b>Memory Serves<\/b><br \/><br \/>written by templemarker<br \/><br \/>recorded by templemarker<br \/><p>Approximately 7 minutes in length; mp3 file with embedded cover image.<\/p><p>Right-click save file as: <b><a href=\"https:\/\/f002.backblazeb2.com\/file\/podwork\/memory+serves.mp3\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\">memory serves<\/a><\/b><\/p><br \/><br \/><br \/>The thing is this was really written in a Tone of Voice; and as an occasional podficcer, well, why not also share that tone?<br \/><br \/>So: the author podficcing their own work. I don't know, friends, sometimes I podfic things I write, and occasionally I share them. People write in different ways: I process pretty much everything aurally, including (or especially) my writing. So, if you're curious, or if audio fanfiction is more your speed, here's a podfic of my own work.<br \/><br \/>Sort of 4x07ish, 4x08? I guess anywhere from 4x04 to 4x08, really. Please note this piece engages with Quentin's mental health consonant with the show's canon; check the tags to see if it's your speed.<br \/><br \/>This was done in one quick take, so, you know. This is also the first time I've used Boson to record and edit a podfic, so let me know if there's something wonky with the file or if I missed a key edit in the recording.<a name='cutid1-end'><\/a><br \/>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57449.html?view=comments#comments","category":["quentin\/therapy - a love story","the magicians","quentin\/eliot","podfic","+love-rhetoric-blood","podfic read by the author","will write for pancakes"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57312.html","pubDate":"Mon, 15 Apr 2019 12:47:59 GMT","title":"FIC: we can't give you love and rhetoric without the blood, by templemarker [The Magicians]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57312.html","description":"<a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/18474370\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>we can't give you love and rhetoric without the blood<\/strong><\/a> (1100 words) by <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/users\/templemarker\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>templemarker<br \/><\/strong><\/a><br \/>Chapters: 1\/1<br \/>Fandom: <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/The%20Magicians%20(TV)\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">The Magicians (TV)<\/a><br \/>Rating: Mature<br \/>Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply<br \/>Relationships: Quentin Coldwater\/Eliot Waugh, Quentin Coldwater\/Alice Quinn, Quentin Coldwater &amp; Margo Hanson, Quentin Coldwater &amp; Julia Wicker, William &quot;Penny&quot; Adiyodi &amp; Quentin Coldwater, Quentin Coldwater\/Margo Hanson\/Eliot Waugh<br \/>Characters: Quentin Coldwater, therapists - Character, Therapists (Multiple)<br \/>Additional Tags: Mental Health Issues, Canon Disabled Character, canon-typical suicidal references, there's that tag again, Depression, Disabled Character, Bisexuality, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexual Character, Canon Bisexual Character, Bisexual Erasure, Therapy, Interventions, (entirely background interventions), Therapists, that good ol-fashions therapy runaround, look I really feel like all these relationships are entirely justified despite occurring off screen, so about that fillorian opium<br \/>Series: Part 2 of <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/series\/1333420\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">love + rhetoric + blood<\/a><div>Summary:<\/div><p style=\"margin-left: 40px;\">Quentin had tried, okay, he was trying. He even agreed, although it was kind of under duress -- it was like Eliot and Margo and Julia and Alice and even fucking <i>Penny<\/i>, who wasn't even <i>from this fucking timeline<\/i> and still defaulted to <i>hating Quentin's guts<\/i> -- decided Intervention Tuesday was the way to go.<\/p><br \/><br \/><br \/>In this edition of This Wasn't What I Meant to Write....<br \/><br \/>I am almost thoroughly certain there will be more. I just have to, er. Write it.<br \/><br \/>Takes place entirely speculatively many months beyond 4x13, so if you are reading this in the future be aware that it likely represents an alternate reality. [On the bright side, it represents an alternate reality where people care about Quentin's mental health.] No spoilers. Please note this piece engages with Quentin's mental health consonant with the show's canon; check the tags to see if it's your speed.<br \/><br \/><center><b>\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7<\/b><\/center><br \/><br \/>Anyone who's ever played Finding a Therapist Routlette, this one's for you. <br \/><br \/>I have the next part worked out, I just need a spare hour to bang it out. The crux point: therapist roulette doesn't stop just because you start looking on the magic side of things. <br \/><br \/>I went for the brass ring, writing for <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/collections\/bisexuality_the_musical\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">BISEXUALITY: THE MUSICAL<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/collections\/quentin_x_therapy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Quentin\/Therapy: a love story<\/a> in one go. They just fit perfectly together!<br \/><br \/>Seriously though, Quentin needs to jump off my brainstem. I want to write about Julia! And Kady! And Alice! Q, unless you start doing something interesting with lingerie and gender ambiguity, imma need you to take a step back sometime soon. <br \/><br \/>Not until after 4x13?<br \/><br \/>...I guess that's reasonable.<a name='cutid1-end'><\/a><br \/><div> <\/div>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57312.html?view=comments#comments","category":["bisexuality - the musical","the magicians","notas bene","quentin\/alice","will write for pancakes","quentin\/therapy - a love story","quentin\/eliot\/margo","quentin\/eliot","+love-rhetoric-blood","meta"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57001.html","pubDate":"Mon, 15 Apr 2019 12:35:41 GMT","title":"FIC: memory serves, by templemarker [The Magicians]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57001.html","description":"<a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/18263768\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>memory serves<\/strong><\/a> (1018 words) by <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/users\/templemarker\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>templemarker<br \/><\/strong><\/a><br \/>Chapters: 1\/1<br \/>Fandom: <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/The%20Magicians%20(TV)\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">The Magicians (TV)<\/a><br \/>Rating: Mature<br \/>Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply<br \/>Relationships: Quentin Coldwater\/Eliot Waugh<br \/>Characters: Quentin Coldwater<br \/>Additional Tags: it's not NOT quentin-eliot, they're always in the background, Depression, canon-typical suicidal references, fuck me what a tag, Canon Disabled Character, Disabled Character, Mental Health Issues, Monsters, q could really use that filliorian opium right about now, Podfic Available<br \/>Series: Part 1 of <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/series\/1333420\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">love + rhetoric + blood<\/a><div>Summary:<\/div><p style=\"margin-left: 40px;\">But this is far from the first time Quentin has sat in a room with a monster that has a vested interest in fucking Quentin up from the inside out.<\/p><br \/><br \/>Er...this is not what I meant to write. Oh well.<br \/><br \/>Sort of 4x07ish, 4x08? I guess anywhere from 4x04 to 4x08, really. Please note this piece engages with Quentin's mental health consonant with the show's canon; check the tags to see if it's your speed.<br \/><br \/><center><b>&sect;&sect;&sect;&sect;&sect;<\/b><\/center><br \/><br \/>This is some alchemical brew of my own experience with major depressive disorder and Quentin's narrative voice barreling through, drowning out any other thoughts until they're written down. The thing about Quentin for me is that -- this is, I think, the first time I've seen my own personal experience with depression, what depression looks like on me, on a character on my television. It's not that depression doesn't show up on various forms of media -- it of course does, with varying degrees of competency and sensitivity -- but in terms of what I actually experience and how I appear during periods of depression, Quentin (and Jason Ralph) hit it with eerie accuracy. <br \/><br \/>The defining moment for me, with the Magicians -- because I'll be honest, on the first watch through I skipped and skipped and skipped on the episodes due to feeling very squicked out by Julia's whole storyline and the way her desperate desire to (what we later learn) correct a very core, identity-mangling wrong done to her without any evidentiary context to affirm that wrong was structured as an addiction, in a very &quot;Girl, Interrupted&quot; male gazey way. I just couldn't deal, it fucked me up and simultaneously recalled my experiences of dealing with friends who are addicts while almost gleefully ruining Julia's life down to the very foundations. <br \/><br \/>Anyway. The defining moment for me with the Magicians is in 1x11, &quot;Remedial Battle Magic&quot;, when Alice and Quentin are discussing the use of the emotion bottles: <br \/><br \/><blockquote>Q: &quot;I just...I feel like sometimes you don't hear yourself.&quot;<br \/><br \/>A: &quot;All I said was that I think we should try--&quot;<br \/><br \/>Q: &quot;This is what that looks like.&quot; [beat] &quot;I am trying as hard as I can.&quot;<\/blockquote><br \/><br \/>I had to pause the episode -- not just the first watch, but the second too -- to just...breathe. Breathe through that moment. I have never seen a character convey what my experience of depression is like, so brutally honest, clear-eyed, and uncompromising. &quot;This is what trying my hardest looks like&quot;, Quentin tells all the people in the world who don't get it. &quot;It may look like slacking or being lazy or procrastinating or not being sufficiently motivated or being dead behind the eyes or -- who the fuck knows. I don't know what it looks like to someone who doesn't live it. But I am telling you. <i>This is what trying my fucking hardest looks like<\/i>, and go fuck yourself if you try to hold me to a different standard than my own.<br \/><br \/>What a fucking gift that is. <br \/><br \/><center><b>&sect;&sect;&sect;&sect;&sect;<\/b><\/center><br \/><br \/>I'm a high-functioning grossly disabled person. My disabilities are multi-variate and legion: I have ADHD, executive function disorder, and a numerical learning disorder called dyscalculia. I deal with major depressive disorder and situational anxiety with panic attacks. I am chronically migrainous, Hard of Hearing, and require several types of medical equipment to walk outside, drive a car, work a job. <br \/><br \/>My body is hypermobile, which means in practice that my limbs don't always go where my brain tells them to, I trip on air, and various body parts malfunction in bizarre and inconsistent ways. I was immunocompromised as a kid, with asthma, severe environmental allergies, and ME\/CFS. I have an extremely challenging sleep disorder called delayed sleep phase disorder, which basically means that, by default, my body is active and night and inclined to sleep during the day. About six years ago I experienced trauma-induced fibromyalgia, which was underdiagnosed for several years before finally getting appropriate treatment. I've been living with chronic pain in various formats for twenty years. <br \/><br \/>Any one of those things, on its own, would be challenging but not debilitating. Any three of those things would be extremely difficult to life compromising. All of them together in disharmony? Well. Like I said. Grossly disabled. <br \/><br \/>I'm generally very private about the nature of my disabilities. I definitely talk about being disabled, and will relentlessly pursue the necessary support I need to exist in the world, but all that shit above is very complicated and time consuming to manage and for about six years I was all but flattened by it -- I lost jobs and housing and a steady income, private high-rate health insurance and many, many opportunities. <br \/><br \/>But -- I'm high functioning. And I'm private. So there are days when I'm trying my hardest, and that looks like &quot;walking the dog and then sleeping another four hours.&quot; Sometimes it looks like &quot;writing an extensive to do list and completing all the tasks and still having energy and motivation to go out to the bar.&quot; I am heavily educated and very intelligent and pass as neurotypical and generally healthy (apart from the hearing aids and sometimes a cane). <br \/><br \/>The gulf between &quot;trying my hardest&quot; and &quot;what looks like trying my hardest&quot; is vast, cavernous, and changes shape on an hourly basis. To see that on a tv show, from a character who is also disabled, also high-functioning, also passes -- well. I rarely see myself, my lived experience on television. This moment turned me from &quot;general interest and enthusiasm&quot; to &quot;I need every aspect of fandom to converge upon my brain right NOW.&quot;<br \/><br \/>All this to say -- my personal experience significantly informs the writing of this and other stories about Quentin. I hope it resonates with the reader, as well -- either as a fan digging into Quentin's characterization this season, or a person who is also trying their fucking hardest.<a name='cutid1-end'><\/a><br \/><div>&nbsp;<\/div>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/57001.html?view=comments#comments","category":["the magicians","quentin\/eliot","+love-rhetoric-blood","notas bene","meta","will write for pancakes"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56817.html","pubDate":"Mon, 15 Apr 2019 11:36:58 GMT","title":"FIC: Imagination Succumbs, by templemarker [The Magicians]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56817.html","description":"<a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/18265685\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>Imagination Succumbs<\/strong><\/a> (1035 words) by <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/users\/templemarker\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>templemarker<br \/><\/strong><\/a><br \/>Chapters: 1\/1<br \/>Fandom: <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/The%20Magicians%20(TV)\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">The Magicians (TV)<\/a><br \/>Rating: Mature<br \/>Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply<br \/>Relationships: Quentin Coldwater\/Eliot Waugh, Arielle\/Quentin Coldwater\/Eliot Waugh, Arielle\/Quentin Coldwater, Arielle &amp; Eliot Waugh<br \/>Characters: Quentin Coldwater, Eliot Waugh, Arielle (The Magicians), Theodore &ldquo;Ted&rdquo; Rupert Coldwater-Waugh<br \/>Additional Tags: art for art's sake, let me see your etchings, Humor, theories about the mosaics, Mosaic Timeline, that fillorian opium is really working overtime<br \/>Series: Part 3 of <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/series\/1303616\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Mind Over Time<\/a><br \/>Summary:  <br \/><p style=\"margin-left: 40px;\">Quentin takes a nap, and when he wakes up, Eliot looked pleased.<\/p><p style=\"margin-left: 40px;\">This is alarming for several reasons: a) &quot;pleased&quot; on Eliot looks a lot like the smirk his Gramma's cat wore whenever she shat in Quentin's shoes; b) they don't have a mirror so Quentin can't be sure Eliot didn't get bored and draw shit on his face; but most importantly, c) Quentin really has to reach for the last time he saw Eliot look pleased.<\/p><p style=\"margin-left: 40px;\">He thinks it was back when Eliot was regaling him with his scandals at Ibiza.<\/p><p style=\"margin-left: 40px;\">Yikes.<\/p><br \/><br \/><br \/>And now for something...completely different? I don't even know, I was walking the dog and idly thinking about the Mosaic Timeline and then apparently my inner snickering twelve-year-old thought \"wouldn't it be hilarious if--\" so here we go.<br \/><br \/>Set during 3x05, \"A Life in the Day\". I mean seriously. They must have made a lot of damn mosaics.<br \/><br \/><center><b>\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7<\/b><\/center><br \/><br \/>This was obliquely inspired by <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/stele3.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/0e3bc668830efaaff76b1941fc35381bab7f866071e177610deb75598bac6e0a\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0g0o-lRBm3nIevQ:HdkiFf8UpTV4vUAOKyvrNQ\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/stele3.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>stele3<\/b><\/a><\/span>'s Magicians story <b><a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/18244061\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">You In My Head<\/a><\/b>, which is knotty and difficult and most excellent, definitely read it. <br \/><br \/><blockquote>Lying on the bed, Q is curled on his side above the covers, his hands tucked between his drawn-up knees. He\u2019s fast asleep but wakes with a start when the doorknob clicks shut behind Eliot. He looks up and his glassy eyes widen.<br \/><br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s me,\u201d Eliot says quickly. When Quentin doesn\u2019t relax he adds, \u201cMosaic number 473 was clearly the most beautiful.\u201d<br \/><br \/>That works: irritation cuts through the fear on Q\u2019s face and he huffs. \u201cBullshit. 604.\u201d<br \/><br \/>\u201cToo much yellow.\u201d<\/blockquote><br \/><br \/>And I guess, as I was watching my dog alternately sniff and then piss on various foliage in my neighborhood, that translated seamlessly to mosaics of the graffiti that has marked the ages: genitalia! <br \/><br \/>Honestly, my favorite lines are Arielle's \"Bleated be\", which just hit me out of nowhere and caused me to cackle so loudly I woke the snoring pup; and Arielle's \"And you are a cloud of pollinated bees!\", which stemmed from my attempts to think through what a Fillorian's response to the Earth idiom \"you are a breath of fresh air\" that was appropriately nature-based, positive in expression, and awkwardly phrased. <br \/><br \/><br \/><a name='cutid1-end'><\/a>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56817.html?view=comments#comments","category":["the magicians","quentin\/eliot","+mind over time","will write for pancakes"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56417.html","pubDate":"Mon, 15 Apr 2019 11:25:41 GMT","title":"FIC: All That's Known, by templemarker [The Magicians]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56417.html","description":"<a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/18091556\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>All That's Known<\/strong><\/a> (781 words) by <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/users\/templemarker\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>templemarker<br \/><\/strong><\/a><br \/>Chapters: 1\/1<br \/>Fandom: <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/The%20Magicians%20(TV)\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">The Magicians (TV)<\/a><br \/>Rating: Teen And Up Audiences<br \/>Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply<br \/>Relationships: Quentin Coldwater\/Eliot Waugh<br \/>Characters: Quentin Coldwater, Eliot Waugh<br \/>Additional Tags: Bisexuality, Bisexual Erasure, there's a reason for the 'b' in lgbtq, carrot wine, intimacy issues, no one made them do it, Eliot are you listening - no one made him do it, policing queerness in a soft and self-destructive way, two percent opium in the air<br \/>Series: Part 2 of <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/series\/1303616\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Mind Over Time<\/a><div>Summary:<\/div><p style=\"margin-left: 40px;\">Quentin thrusts his hands into his hair, undoing the loose tie he's been wearing lately -- his hair off his face looks great on him -- and the fine threads spill over his fingers. Eliot doesn't know what it says about him that Quentin in agitation is as much of a turn-on as Quentin thirsty to suck his cock or Quentin focused on solving a problem, but, well, there it is.<\/p><div> <\/div><br \/><br \/><br \/>I ran into Gins' <a href=\"https:\/\/greywash.dreamwidth.org\/68215.html\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\">post on Quentin and bisexuality<\/a> while searching for anything to feed the waiting-for-next-episode beast. I have a lot of feelings about it, as a bisexual queer person who has experienced bi erasure. [Frequently.] <br \/><br \/>Set during 3x05, \"A Life in the Day\", in the period between Quentin making his move on Eliot and Arielle and Quentin becoming a thing.<br \/><br \/><center><b>\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7<\/b><\/center><br \/><br \/>I have a lot of feelings about bisexuality! From lived experience as a person who identifies as bisexual secondary to identifying as queer. Up through college, while I was very involved in the LGBTQ+ community on campus -- president of the GSA kind of involved -- I tended to skirt away from identifying my own sexuality. This tended to get interpreted as \"templemarker is a lesbian!\" which I just sort of... let happen. When I did use the term \"bisexual\" there would always be a kind of side-eye, like my relative gayness was being assessed; and while I am comfortable enough with the use of \"bisexual\" today, it never quite felt like it fit -- sure, I was interested in men and women, but I wasn't all that concerned about the biology of those men and women; and while gender fluidity certainly existed when I was a teenager in the early aughties, it hadn't been fully realized in the queer community as I knew it. <br \/><br \/>\"Pansexual\" felt like an aspect of my D&D character build, like it was part of a cosplay I'd put on to go nerding around with friends. [Please note that I have no problem with the term, or concept, or the use of the term by anyone else for their own identity; it was used by dear friends in college, with respect. It just didn't work for me.]<br \/><br \/>It was only after I'd been out of undergrad for a couple of years, around the time I started grad school, that I started actively and purposefully using \"queer\". It just felt right. It was what I'd been using online, when talking about myself and my identity. I was living in the Ireland & then UK for several years, and while it falls upon many a lip as a slur it felt easier to use it in the land of Oscar Wilde. I grew up, and was educated through college, in rural Appalachia; \"queer\" was nearly always a slur, even amongst the LGBTQ+ community, even when we collectively adopted the \"Q\" at the end of LGBT. <br \/><br \/>These days I start and finish with \"queer\". Depending on the company and the need for specificity, I'll go further and say \"bisexual\" -- because it still holds true for me. I'm interested in both men and women, I don't have an opinion about the biological aspects of the men and women I'm interested in, and gender fluidity makes obvious and intuitive sense both to me personally and in terms of my interest in other people. \"Trisexual\" sounds like a sex toy based on a three-wheeled bike, and English is mediocre to actively hideous at affirming not-duality in language. \"Queer\" works best; and fuck the world that tries to police my usage of it as an identifier. <br \/><br \/><center><b>\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7\u00a7<\/b><\/center><br \/><br \/>All this to say -- between the period where I began translating my !!!!! level of interest in the Magicians from excited text messages to a friend to fandom online, I never once read Quentin as anything but bisexual -- and queer, of course, but rather spefically bisexual as an identity marker in the way I've encountered my cishet men friends and colleagues apply the term bisexual to themselves. It was a real shock to encounter the apparently persistent idea that \"No, Quentin is really straight! See all that Alice kissing!\" I mean. What? <i>That is functionally absurd<\/i> and tautologically inaccurate. That's \"I kissed an Eliot and I liked it\" straight-washing. That's effectively <i>inserting queer baiting<\/i> where there was none. <br \/><br \/>Like -- I don't need the show to have Quentin stand up on a podium (because he's short!) and announce to the PK cottage, \"I AM A BISEXUAL MAN\". Frankly, his bisexuality -- while brilliant and fascinating -- takes a real backseat to my interest in his depression, the framing of him as a disabled person, and the fact that Jason Ralph managed to transform a character I actively loathed and mocked aloud in the company of my dog as I suffered through <i>The Magicians<\/i> novel into -- my stars, I can't believe this -- my favorite character on this show. My favorite character! Quentin! When I have Margo! What the fuck! <br \/><br \/>But I will ruthlessly defend Quentin's bisexuality, on Tumblr or in comments or in fanfiction. <br \/><br \/>Thus, \"All That's Known\", a dense vignette of dialogue and Eliot's twisty Dorian Gray-like portrait of a mind full of affectations. (To state the obvious: Eliot is the fucked up portrait. His persona is Dorian Gray.) I am remarkably pleased with it: for all that it's under 750 words (which is still three pages! huzzah Stephen King!) it did everything I was thinking about and more.<br \/><br \/><a name='cutid1-end'><\/a><div> <\/div>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56417.html?view=comments#comments","category":["bisexuality - the musical","the magicians","quentin\/eliot","+mind over time","will write for pancakes"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56091.html","pubDate":"Mon, 15 Apr 2019 10:53:32 GMT","title":"FIC: Pace is the Trick, by templemarker [The Magicians]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56091.html","description":"<a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/16156970\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>Pace is the Trick<\/strong><\/a> (1002 words) by <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/users\/templemarker\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>templemarker<\/strong><\/a><br \/><br \/>Chapters: 1\/1<br \/>Fandom: <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/The%20Magicians%20(TV)\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">The Magicians (TV)<\/a><br \/>Rating: Explicit<br \/>Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply<br \/>Relationships: Quentin Coldwater\/Eliot Waugh<br \/>Characters: Quentin Coldwater, Eliot Waugh<br \/>Additional Tags: Kinktober, Kinktober 2018, Deepthroating, Blow Jobs, Established Relationship, Bisexual Male Character<br \/>Series: Part 1 of <a href=\"https:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/series\/1303616\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Mind Over Time<\/a><br \/><div>Summary:<\/div><p style=\"margin-left: 40px;\">&quot;Slow down,&quot; Eliot chokes out, half-laughing, definitely tipsy on kind-of vodka and infinitely patient with his big fucking dick. &quot;You don't have anything to prove to me, Q, don't fuck up your throat.&quot;<\/p><div> <\/div><br \/><br \/><br \/>Kinktober 2018: 001 - Deep-Throating | <strike>Inflation<\/strike> | <strike>Face-Sitting<\/strike> | <strike>Masks<\/strike><br \/><br \/>Set during 3x05, \"A Life in the Day\", a week or more after Quentin kisses Eliot.<br \/><br \/>It's funny, I had actually forgotten I'd written this six months ago until I started throwing down more <i>Magicians<\/i> words; I saw this after I'd posted another fic and went \"...huh.\" Like a fever dream! An explcit, messy, sexy fever dream!<br \/><br \/>It's been a long time since I've, er, well, since I've been healthy enough to have brain cells to spare for actually creating things. Like, six years long. This perfect storm of capability, The Magicians, and falling headfirst into The Magicians (about which I have <i>so many feelings<\/i>) is such a gift, because for so long I've just kind of written off the active, creative part of fandom as not accessible to me. So! Messy blowjobs, I am so grateful to you for existing. <br \/><a name='cutid1-end'><\/a>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56091.html?view=comments#comments","category":["the magicians","kinktober","quentin\/eliot","+mind over time","will write for pancakes"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56020.html","pubDate":"Mon, 10 Oct 2016 04:05:14 GMT","title":"Dear Yulewriter, 2016 Edition","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56020.html","description":"::blows dust off everything::<br \/><br \/>Hello, tidings, thank you for writing!<br \/><br \/>I am very much about optional details are optional, and I am very bad about, uh, well, prompting. I'm more of a \"hey, I like this\" without too much details. But! I am very easy to please.<br \/><br \/>My one thing is that, around the holidays, I'm more inclined towards lighthearted, slice of life, happy endings stories than ones that dig into the dark bits of the canon or characters. That doesn't mean you have to shove them into an Ikea and pretend there's no shadows! I'd just rather read about the marker falling a little more on the good than the bad.<br \/><br \/>Fandoms are listed alphabetically.<br \/><br \/>Lucifer (TV)<br \/>[Lucifer, anyone]<br \/><br \/>I am just in love with everything about this. I've been sitting with the comics for years and love them dearly, so you're welcome to pull from there if you like, but don't feel like you have to do so if you're not familiar with it!<br \/><br \/>Mostly I love Lucifer -- the way Tom Ellis portrays such a wonderful mixture of vulnerability and bravado is perfection. So focusing on him would be welcome.<br \/><br \/>I'm open to just about any iteration -- gen, het, slash -- with any of the characters. I do love Lucifer and Chloe, and how he's changed because of her, even if he doesn't particularly know why. And I adore Trixie's adoration of Lucifer as well, and how uncomfortable but affectionate it make Lucifer.<br \/><br \/>I'm also very into the Big Picture storyline, the family melodrama mixed with the judeo-christian mythology and how it impacts the life on human-filled earth.<br \/><br \/>I am up to date with the show and will be throughout the fall, so you're welcome to write it as close to canon as you care to do so. I'd prefer no AUs, and if you're going with an AR I'm more into the fork-in-the-road kind of AR than the what-if-there-were-dragons sort. Have fun with it!<br \/><br \/>Possible Scenarios:<br \/><br \/>- Lucifer and the bemoaning of Christmas<br \/>- Lucifer and Amanadiel being bros, especially Amenadiel's older-brother poking at Lucifer, even though Amanadiel would be younger, right?<br \/>- Lucifer doing nearly anything with Trixie, with or without adult supervision<br \/>- Lucifer, Amenadiel, and Mum dining with the Deckers<br \/><br \/>Fandom-specific dislikes: alternate universes, hating on Don outside of the usual Detective Douche business<br \/><br \/>Tone preference: a little closer to heaven than purgatory<br \/><br \/>Rivers of London<br \/>[Peter Grant, Beverly Brook]<br \/><br \/>I adore Beverly. She's a perfect cocktail of sexy, practical, and light-hearted, and I think Peter needs her, very much, in his life. I would love to see Peter's imperfect attempts to set up dates, or Bev's careful erosion of Peter's hang-ups as they build their relationship. Future-fic would also be lovely -- where do a wizard and a river end up in ten years, together? Do each of their mums badger them for grankids enough that it does happen?<br \/><br \/>Don't feel compelled to go holiday themed, though you're welcome to do so, but I would love to see a light-hearted, romancey vibe, and how Peter begins to adult more.<br \/><br \/>Possible Scenarios:<br \/><br \/>- Peter nutting up and asking Bev out on dates, and being rubbish at it, because the boy has rarely dated before<br \/>- Beverly being there, more and more, without Peter explicitly realizing how close and important she's become, until he gets a cluestick to the head<br \/>- Futurefic, ten years gone: does Bev even want to be a spouse? Does Peter, given how his parents' relationship turned out? What do wizard-river children end up being, other than awesome?<br \/>- Crossover with Law and Order (UK), because the negotiation of those two verses would be hilarity, and I adore the notion of Alicia Phillips being Peter's cousin who has very little time for his fanciful job.<br \/><br \/>Fandom-specific dislikes: Over-veneration of Nightengale, female characters interpreted as bitchy, slagging off Lesley, whinging too much about Lesley<br \/><br \/>Tone preference: More sharing a bedsit in the country than face-melting villains.<br \/><br \/>Stranger Things (TV)<br \/>[Nancy Wheeler, Jonathan Byers, Steve Harrington]<br \/><br \/>I have a thing about seeing what characters we meet as teenagers are like as adults, because the gulf between 17 and 35 is vast and terrible.<br \/><br \/>I very much want to see this OT3 ten or twenty years on. Maybe they meet up again at the high school reunion, and sparks fly? Maybe two of them got together, in college or something, and reel the third one back into their lives? Or, and this is something I itch for a bit, maybe in ten or twenty years they are all together (from whenever: high school, college, early twenties, wherever you find it most plausible and interesting) and they've figured out their lives together. What does that look like? Who are they, as adults? Who are they, with each other? What do they do? What curtains do they buy???<br \/><br \/>Ahem. Inquiring minds would love to know. You're welcome to pull the horror element in there if it works for you, but I'll be just as happy with a slice of life fic as an adventure story, if they're together (or getting together) as adults.<br \/><br \/>Possible scenarios:<br \/><br \/>- Patrick Henry HS invites you to our Twenty Year Reunion! RSVP with your Guest!<br \/>- College is the chance to get away. What do you do when you run into your HS gf\/bf(s)? How have you changed? How have they? Is there still something there?<br \/>- Apartment hunting in the city for three people. \"So you have...roommates?\"<br \/>- They may have jobs, they may have an adult relationship, but the thrill of monster hunting....never dies.<br \/><br \/>Fandom-specific dislikes: alternate universes, alternate realities, bad-talking any of the OT3 except in relationship-relevant ways, Nancy portrayed as weak or in need of protection<br \/><br \/>Tone preference: More sleeping in the same room, less watching your best friend die.","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/56020.html?view=comments#comments","category":"yuletide"},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/55603.html","pubDate":"Mon, 14 Oct 2013 03:07:03 GMT","title":"YAGKYAS Secret Santa Letter","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/55603.html","description":"Dear YAGKYAS writer,<br \/><br \/>You rock for taking this challenge on! Thank you for participating. I love Rudy and Pappy, and especially Rudy\/Pappy, and I would happily enjoy a gen or slash story that features them both prominently. I'm a complete sucker for domestic curtain!fic. What Rudy and Pappy's lives might be like after separating, or generally Stateside, would be joyful. <br \/><br \/>In short, I love Rudy Reyes. I'd love it if you could tell me a story about him.<br \/><br \/>I prefer realism very, very strongly to fantasy in this fandom, but I would be happy with any rating from gen to explicit. If you go the slash route, I like curtainfic and romantic comedy more than the angst and the drama. I love established relationship. <br \/><br \/>But at the end of the day, author!anon, I want to read the story that you best want to write, and you should feel free to take the liberties you need to accomplish that story. Have fun. Don't stress out! I'm going to love what you do, especially if you love what you do. <br \/><br \/>&lt;3!","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/55603.html?view=comments#comments","category":"yagkyas"},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/55301.html","pubDate":"Fri, 11 Oct 2013 05:10:42 GMT","title":"YAGKYAS 2013","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/55301.html","description":"<center><a href=\"http:\/\/yagkyas.livejournal.com\" target=\"_blank\"><img src=\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/yagkyas_mod\/21908439\/9048\/9048_600.png\" fetchpriority=\"high\"><br> I'm enlisting in YAGKYAS 2013! Hoo-rah!<\/a><\/center><br \/><br \/>I'm so excited to have another year of YAGKYAS! Please join us--it's the best motherfucking challenge in the world, homes.","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/55301.html?view=comments#comments","category":"yagkyas"},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/55210.html","pubDate":"Sun, 14 Jul 2013 18:18:34 GMT","title":"GK Anniversary Rewatch","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/55210.html","description":"This is the fandom of my heart. I WILL NEVER QUIT YOU. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/generation-kill.livejournal.com\/832021.html\" target=\"_blank\"><img alt=\"GK5 Rewatch Banner\" src=\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/noeon\/11881739\/25255\/25255_1000.png\" title=\"GK5 Rewatch\" fetchpriority=\"high\" \/><\/a><br><small>Banner created by Femmequixotic<\/small><br \/><br \/><br \/>P.S. YAGKYAS will be starting up in September! Mark your comm frequencies and follow\/RSS <a href=\"http:\/\/yagkyas.livejournal.com\" target=\"_blank\">the YAGKYAS LJ community!<\/a>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/55210.html?view=comments#comments","category":"generation kill"},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/54832.html","pubDate":"Thu, 03 Jan 2013 08:51:35 GMT","title":"insert appropriate boyband song title here [2012 winter challenge index]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/54832.html","description":"I don't have the brains to do one of those proper year-end round-ups; honestly all I have in my head right now is Jonny Lee Miller's glorious ass and half a dozen different IRS forms. But! Here are the things I received and the things I wrote for challenges, all but for the thing I wrote for Teen Wolf Holidays, which will be revealed on Saturday. <br \/><br \/>In YAGKYAS, I received the awesome Person of Interest fusion <a href=\"http:\/\/yagkyas.livejournal.com\/51285.html\" target=\"_blank\">Changing Whatever It Is I'm Changing Into<\/a> by the delightful waketosleep; it's Rudy and Pappy and it is glorious. <br \/><br \/>For Yuletide, I received two stories in The Eagle fandom. <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/599344\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Then and Now<\/a> by jeza_red follows Esca and Marcus all the way back from the wall, and works Esca through so many of his conflicts.<br \/><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/609087\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Four Seasons<\/a> by amyfortuna was a Yuletide Madness treat following a year in their lives, lovely and quiet. <br \/><br \/>*<br \/><br \/>For YAGKYAS: <a href=\"http:\/\/yagkyas.livejournal.com\/52740.html\" target=\"_blank\">vigilantibus aequitas subvenit<\/a> for spirited_lizard. This one was a Nate\/Brad crossover with The Good Wife, and I got super excited about this story; unfortunately, the flip side to running the challenge you're writing for is that you tend to be short on time, so there's thousands of words in my head that didn't make it into the story. Project for 2013? Anyway, I'm still pretty happy with it--I think it gets across most of the characterization points I was trying for in this AUish fusion. <br \/><br \/>For Happy Trekmas: <a href=\"http:\/\/happy-trekmas.livejournal.com\/48245.html\" target=\"_blank\">Speedwork<\/a> for nightshadow_t2. This was a fun Sulu\/Chekov pwp, and I think <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/perpetual-motion.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/0e3bc668830efaaff76b1941fc35381bab7f866071e177610deb75598bac6e0a\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0g0o-lRBm3nIevQ:HdkiFf8UpTV4vUAOKyvrNQ\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/perpetual-motion.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>perpetual_motion<\/b><\/a><\/span> was amused at the amount of research I generated for a relatively short story. (It's important to know how big of a track you can put inside a starship, okay?) <br \/><br \/>I kind of overdosed on Yuletide, picking up seven pinch hits in addition to my assignment. I wrote ten thousand words in three days, at exactly the same time I was putting up YAGKYAS stories and triple-checking that everyone had a story. I don't know what I was thinking, but without <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/perpetual-motion.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/0e3bc668830efaaff76b1941fc35381bab7f866071e177610deb75598bac6e0a\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0g0o-lRBm3nIevQ:HdkiFf8UpTV4vUAOKyvrNQ\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/perpetual-motion.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>perpetual_motion<\/b><\/a><\/span> and <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/samjohnsson.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/0e3bc668830efaaff76b1941fc35381bab7f866071e177610deb75598bac6e0a\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0g0o-lRBm3nIevQ:HdkiFf8UpTV4vUAOKyvrNQ\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/samjohnsson.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>samjohnsson<\/b><\/a><\/span> the wonder betas I think I probably would still be desperately trying to correct the SPAG on all that nonsense. In no particular order: <br \/><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/599957\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>Antes tarde do que nunca<\/strong><\/a> for crushing83; <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/The%20Newsroom%20(US%20TV)\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">The Newsroom (US TV)<\/a>, Will McAvoy\/Mackenzie McHale. This was delicious to write, all that Sorkin dialogue bubbling up in my head again. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/599955\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>Low Frequency Effects<\/strong><\/a> for psocoptera; <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/Newsflesh%20Trilogy%20-%20Mira%20Grant\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Newsflesh Trilogy - Mira Grant<\/a>, Georgia Mason\/Shaun Mason\/(Georgia Mason). I felt like I was kind of winging my way through this one, but I think I stuck the landing. Those two (three) are fucking complex to write, dudes. They don't make any sense, but they are mad crazy in love, so I figured as long as I could illustrate that and throw some snark in there it would be in line with the fandom. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/609215\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>the world goes on<\/strong><\/a> for Kass; <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/Newsflesh%20Trilogy%20-%20Mira%20Grant\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Newsflesh Trilogy - Mira Grant<\/a>, Georgia Mason\/Shaun Mason. The second Newsflesh story I wrote, which I picked up as an Apocalypse Pinch Hit on Christmas Day. I actually kind of feel like the above story and this one are pretty closely linked together; if I wrote a third, they'd be sort of meditations on the Happily Ever After. (I'm not saying I'm doing to write a third, <span style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/dira.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/0e3bc668830efaaff76b1941fc35381bab7f866071e177610deb75598bac6e0a\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0yFmVCbZBitHe5BHQgcnrB1ghT056GQJiv05e0zTaZg1RFEYV0g0o-lRBm3nIevQ:HdkiFf8UpTV4vUAOKyvrNQ\" alt=\"[personal profile] \" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/dira.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>dira<\/b><\/a><\/span>, I'm just saying <i>if<\/i> I wrote a third.) Anyway, I started to get a better handle on their voices in this one, for all that there's more dialogue in the first. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/603023\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>Celebration for Three Mages and a Wise Man<\/strong><\/a>  for ayalesca; <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/Rivers%20of%20London%20-%20Ben%20Aaronovitch\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Rivers of London - Ben Aaronovitch<\/a>, gen. I kind of love this the best of the stories I wrote? Though it can't compete with the other lovely stories in this Yuletide fandom, particularly about Thomas Nightingale. (Not that it is a competition!) It was just a treat to write in this 'verse, with these characters, and the concept of their New Year's Eve--and Peter's experience of it as a part of the Folly rather than patrol--was very real to me. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/603027\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>Arrows of the Field<\/strong><\/a> for marlowe_tops; <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/Kings\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Kings<\/a>, Jack Benjamin\/David Shepherd (sort of). I wish I'd had more time for this story, because there was so much more to say. The story of David, and his flight from Gilboa, is a fascinating one both in the show and biblically, and I wanted to be able to poke at it some more and see how to graft the myth onto the show. Ce la vie.<br \/><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/603029\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>Break the Chain<\/strong><\/a> for Quettaser; <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/Step%20Up%20Revolution%20%7C%20Step%20Up%204:%20Miami%20Heat%20(2012)\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Step Up Revolution | Step Up 4: Miami Heat (2012)<\/a>, Emily gen. I think this ended up more muted than I would have liked, given the vibrancy of the film, but the thing about Emily (and the Step Up movies in general) is that they gave her a dream and a bare midriff and basically nothing else. The more I thought about Step Up 4 the closer I got to this idea of how Emily got to where she was, why she was that driven. And it had some other dance movie in-jokes in there too. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/599958\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>Those Ever Resolute<\/strong><\/a> for Oparu; <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/Good%20Wife%20(TV)\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Good Wife (TV)<\/a>, Alicia Florrick\/Kalinda Sharma. This is probably one of my top ten pairings, and I think I've really started to figure out how to write Alicia and Kalinda. It's quiet, and reserved, kind of like them. Alicia is such an interesting puzzle to me; I love teasing out bits of her, especially those that the show likes to wink at as well. There's more there there, and I want to get more into it later on. <br \/><br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/599952\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><strong>Come See About Me<\/strong><\/a> for astralis; <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/tags\/Haven\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Haven<\/a>, Duke Crocker\/Audrey Parker\/Nathan Wuornos. I honestly thought this would be the most popular of my stories, which it probably would have been if I hadn't forgotten to include a summary in the stupid thing until, you know, tonight. Oh well. Anyway, this started off in a weird maudlin season two place, but got to the snark and sexy pretty quickly; the story definitely didn't end up being what I thought it was going to be, but it was fun and worked for me. I love--well, okay, I love everyone, but as pertains to this story, I love Audrey and Duke's relationship and how warm it can be, even though Audrey is difficult and Duke is probably still doing illegal shit right under her nose. Anyway, hopefully you'll enjoy the lolz and the come-ons as much as I enjoyed writing them. <br \/><br \/>*<br \/><br \/>And that's it, except for one! Yo, before I lose you, would you mind taking a quick poll for me? I'm trying to figure out how best to post my stories, especially since LJ is kind of tanking right now. <br \/><br \/>Select all that apply: <br \/><br \/><br \/><div><form method=\"post\" action=\"http:\/\/flisti.com\/42568\/vote\"><div style=\"font-weight:bold;margin-bottom:10px\">Where should templemarker post her fic?<\/div><div><label><input name=\"answer[171090]\" type=\"checkbox\" value=\"171090\" \/> Livejournal<\/label><\/div><div><label><input name=\"answer[171091]\" type=\"checkbox\" value=\"171091\" \/> Dreamwidth<\/label><\/div><div><label><input name=\"answer[171092]\" type=\"checkbox\" value=\"171092\" \/> AO3<\/label><\/div><div><label><input name=\"answer[171093]\" type=\"checkbox\" value=\"171093\" \/> Her archive [templemarker.adamao.org]<\/label><\/div><div style=\"margin-top:10px\"><input type=\"submit\" value=\"Vote!\" style=\"margin-bottom: 0px\" \/> or <a href=\"http:\/\/flisti.com\/42568\/results\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">View Results<\/a><\/div><div style=\"font-size:12px;margin-top:10px\"><a href=\"http:\/\/flisti.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Create your own poll at Flisti.com<\/a><\/div><\/form><\/div><br \/><br \/><br \/><br \/><div><form method=\"post\" action=\"http:\/\/flisti.com\/42569\/vote\"><div style=\"font-weight:bold;margin-bottom:10px\">Where should templemarker announce her fic?<\/div><div><label><input name=\"answer[171094]\" type=\"checkbox\" value=\"171094\" \/> Livejournal<\/label><\/div><div><label><input name=\"answer[171095]\" type=\"checkbox\" value=\"171095\" \/> Dreamwidth<\/label><\/div><div><label><input name=\"answer[171096]\" type=\"checkbox\" value=\"171096\" \/> Tumblr [templemarker.tumblr.com]<\/label><\/div><div><label><input name=\"answer[171097]\" type=\"checkbox\" value=\"171097\" \/> Twitter [twitter.com\/templemarker]<\/label><\/div><div><label><input name=\"answer[171098]\" type=\"checkbox\" value=\"171098\" \/> Other (will say in comments)<\/label><\/div><div style=\"margin-top:10px\"><input type=\"submit\" value=\"Vote!\" style=\"margin-bottom: 0px\" \/> or <a href=\"http:\/\/flisti.com\/42569\/results\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">View Results<\/a><\/div><div style=\"font-size:12px;margin-top:10px\"><a href=\"http:\/\/flisti.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Create your own poll at Flisti.com<\/a><\/div><\/form><\/div><br \/><br \/><br \/>Thank you and seasonally appropriate greetings to you all. &lt;3","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/54832.html?view=comments#comments","category":["happy_trekmas","writing","yagkyas","will write for pancakes"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/54168.html","pubDate":"Sat, 22 Dec 2012 06:51:18 GMT","title":"YAGKYAS 2012 Stories Live!","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/54168.html","description":"<a href=\"http:\/\/yagkyas.livejournal.com\/53158.html\" target=\"_blank\" target=\"_blank\"><img src=\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/yagkyas_mod\/21908439\/8701\/8701_original.png\" alt=\"yagkyas_story_reveal\" title=\"yagkyas_story_reveal\" width=\"453\" height=\"762\" fetchpriority=\"high\" \/><\/a><br \/><br \/>We're are so excited to reveal the stories for the fourth annual You Ain't Generation Kill, You Ain't Shit Winter Holiday Fic Challenge! (This is why we abbreviated it to YAGKYAS.)<br \/><br \/>Every recipient has a tag, and that's the best way to find your story! But here's a master list of all the YAGKYAS stories, in alphabetical order by recipient. Thank you to all our authors, and especially to our wonderful pinch hitters! Remember to leave feedback--it really brings the holiday spirit.<br \/><br \/>And for everyone - <a href=\"http:\/\/combat-jack.livejournal.com\/43883.html\" target=\"_blank\">Good Cookies<\/a>! We'll keep the thread open until it gets quiet, so come in to squee about stories you love, keep writing to prompts, and share the holiday cheer!<br \/><br \/>Master list <a href=\"http:\/\/yagkyas.livejournal.com\/53158.html\" target=\"_blank\">here<\/a>! <br \/><br \/>(Now to go pass out in a grave. Keep watch for me, devil dogs.)","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/54168.html?view=comments#comments","category":"yagkyas"},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/53869.html","pubDate":"Wed, 05 Dec 2012 06:08:10 GMT","title":"reach for hands that aren't there by templemarker [Glee, Brittany\/Santana, NC17]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/53869.html","description":"<b>reach for hands that aren't there<\/b><br \/>by templemarker<br \/><br \/>Notes: Glee, Brittany\/Santana for botherd in Femslash 2011. Originally posted <a href=\"http:\/\/femslash11.livejournal.com\/14824.html\" target=\"_blank\">here<\/a>. My grateful thanks to <span lj:user=\"samjohnsson\" style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/samjohnsson.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/4bc0a8da7a12f47714314dbd12b29f3a46cc16dbc11fed7e6c4a7ffb368335ca\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0zACGVbdSgsfa9wzc2863DwUvDUA4DUR9vQ1cmDjQdwpRBB0Zjh0psVYBjDXS:NbXm8I1KXbVcvKlFnmtQwg\" alt=\"[info - personal]\" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/samjohnsson.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>samjohnsson<\/b><\/a><\/span> for beta. This story is set following season 2. <br \/><br \/>Available on <a href=\"http:\/\/templemarker.adamao.org\/?p=587\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">adamao<\/a>, <a href=\"http:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/53869.html\" target=\"_blank\">LJ<\/a>, <a href=\"http:\/\/templemarker.dreamwidth.org\/52045.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">DW<\/a>, and <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/583575\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">AO3<\/a>.<br \/><br \/>***<br \/><br \/>Even after the whole private-declaration-of-love thing, Brittany still wouldn't sleep with her. <br \/><br \/>This was, like, a record for them. They'd been friends for ten years, and friends-with-orgasms for, like, half of that. It hadn't taken much for Santana to apply what the middle-school boys tried with her in the back of the gym during the school dance to Brittany, and bam, sold. Girl orgasms rocked. They'd had a fight, once, in ninth grade when Santana had cut her hair without talking to Brittany about it first. It wasn't her fault--Santana's mom basically made the whole family get their hair cut and then get a family picture taken. But for ten days, they didn't talk, until Santana made it up to Brittany with a new collar for Lord Tubbington.<br \/><br \/>But with all the dramz of the year behind them, back to holding pinkies in the hallway sometimes and smiling at each other again, Brittany wouldn't let it get to anything more serious. Or anything more fun, for that matter. Which left Santana alone in her bedroom on a Thursday night, showered from putting her time in at the gym and bored out of her skull. <br \/><br \/>It just wasn't <i>interesting<\/i> to date boys anymore. If her, like, self-revelation or whatever wasn't enough to make boys the least appealing option in a sea of mediocrity, the couple of fake dates she'd been on with Dave to keep up appearances would have done it. The boy had two settings: either loud and obnoxious about football and hockey, or whiny and hushed about his feelings and life and whatever. It's like once she called him on his boy-lovin' self she'd also become his confessor. Even though she didn't sign on for that shit, she let him run with it because it was kind of sad and Santana had a small quota of pity she used up for him.<br \/><br \/>So if she was dating a gay dude, that meant she wasn't getting any play; and if she wasn't banging other dudes on the side, she wasn't getting any play; and the only female she'd ever let close to her fine self was Brittany, who wouldn't give her any play either. It was a dry spell. Santana hadn't had a dry spell since that dance in middle school; it was pretty fucked up. <br \/><br \/>She blew out a sigh and stretched out on her bed, wishing Brittany was there. It wasn't like she wanted to go out and start banging chicks, either, though she would totally rock that if she wanted to. Part of her was kind of interested, in that I-wonder-what-it's-like way, but mostly it was just weird and kind of off-putting. She didn't want to sleep with some ancient lesbian wearing plaid. She wanted--well. She wanted Brittany. She just wanted to fuck Brittany again, she didn't want to fuck anyone else. <br \/><br \/>Letting out a frustrated groan, she turned over and tucked her pillow against her body. If Brittany were here, they'd already have made out for an hour, all the strawberry lip gloss gone from Britt's lips and her mouth red and wet from it. She always looked so good like that, right after they made out, her skin all flushed and hot to the touch. One of the things Santana loved best about Brittany was how she threw herself into everything she did, whether it was her stupid web show or fucking. <br \/><br \/>When they were fucking, Britt would arch and moan like it was her fucking job, tensing and pushing against Santa's hand or her mouth with everything in her body. And her body was tight, too, a dancer's frame with a cheerleader's build. Santana loved to look at her, the definition of her arms, the flat plane of her stomach. Seriously, Santana would have gone gay for that if she hadn't been built for it anyway. <br \/><br \/>And at the end of the day, Santana was cool with being a lebso. Whatever, when she went to college she was gonna hit all of that like gangbusters. The girls wouldn't know what him 'em. But she wasn't going to waste six years of social capital on outing herself. She wasn't stupid. Glee was different--football players were in glee, her mom liked that she did it, and it looked good on her college application compared to all the cheerleading shit. Coming out was like eight billion degrees beyond that on that anti-cool meter; she wasn't going to let some bitchy second-tier Cheerios wannabe throw a slushie in her face for liking pussy. Fuck that--Santana controlled her destiny, her sexuality didn't. <br \/><br \/>That whole train of thought almost killed her girl-boner, but Santana huffed it out and started thinking of Brittany's mouth again, wet from eating Santana out on her bed. Britt loved that just as much as getting off herself--she'd make all these noises like eating Santana out was the best part of her day. Maybe it was. <br \/><br \/>Pushing her hand into her boyshorts, she was already slick beneath her fingers, clit swollen and hard to the touch. Santana always got off easy for Brittany, whether she was there or not. It had never been that way with anyone else--she'd always had to work for it, or train the boy to work her to it. But fucking Brittany, or thinking about fucking Brittany, always hit her hard and hit her strong.<br \/><br \/>Santana rolled her clit between her fingers, twitching and shuddering at the stimulation. She breathed hard into her pillow, closing her eyes and imagining it was Britt's hand and not her own. If Britt were here, she'd be saying something like, \"Come on, Santana, I wanna see you like this, I wanna feel you come on my hand,\" and other dirty shit she never seemed to realize was dirty. Santana bit at her own lip, working to muffle the noises she wanted to make; her family was all downstairs watching television, but she'd said she had homework and came up here to stare at the ceiling instead. <br \/><br \/>Britt bending and moving when she danced; Britt's mouth open wide in a moan; Britt with Santana's fingers in her mouth, tasting herself and her orgasm there. Santana let out a choked sound and came hard, pussy clenching around nothing as she worked her clit through it. <br \/><br \/>When she came down and her breath evened out, the weak part of her wanted to cry. She had to be for real about this--she wasn't going to get what she wanted either way, and no memory of what she and Britt had been together was gonna cut it. Santana wasn't going to lose everything she'd worked towards, and Britt wasn't going to change her mind. For Santana, there was too much at stake--slushies, yeah, and being less popular than Jewfro--but mostly, she didn't want to disappoint her mami y papi. She had a year left to go at McKinley, and then she could do whatever she wanted. Be whoever she wanted. But Britt wanted her that way now, and Santana just wanted Britt back the way it used to be. <br \/><br \/>Santana eyed the phone, but didn't pick it up. There wasn't anything more she could say, if \"I love you\" didn't cover it. <br \/><a name='cutid1-end'><\/a>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/53869.html?view=comments#comments","category":["femslash11","glee","brittany\/santana","will write for pancakes"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/53693.html","pubDate":"Wed, 05 Dec 2012 06:00:31 GMT","title":"Insider Trading by templemarker [The Good Wife, Kalinda\/Lana, R]","author":"templemarker","link":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/53693.html","description":"<b>Insider Trading<\/b><br \/>by templemarker<br \/><br \/>Notes: Kalinda\/Lana for <span lj:user=\"tellitslant\" style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/tellitslant.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/4bc0a8da7a12f47714314dbd12b29f3a46cc16dbc11fed7e6c4a7ffb368335ca\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0zACGVbdSgsfa9wzc2863DwUvDUA4DUR9vQ1cmDjQdwpRBB0Zjh0psVYBjDXS:NbXm8I1KXbVcvKlFnmtQwg\" alt=\"[info - personal]\" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/tellitslant.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>tellitslant<\/b><\/a><\/span> in Femslash 2011. Originally posted <a href=\"http:\/\/femslash11.livejournal.com\/17447.html\" target=\"_blank\">here<\/a>. Thanks to the inimitible <span lj:user=\"samjohnsson\" style=\"white-space: nowrap;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/samjohnsson.dreamwidth.org\/profile\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><img src=\"https:\/\/imgprx.livejournal.net\/4bc0a8da7a12f47714314dbd12b29f3a46cc16dbc11fed7e6c4a7ffb368335ca\/P2WlxyVijxKgh2tr_81WVkMdsf-ah7h0zACGVbdSgsfa9wzc2863DwUvDUA4DUR9vQ1cmDjQdwpRBB0Zjh0psVYBjDXS:NbXm8I1KXbVcvKlFnmtQwg\" alt=\"[info - personal]\" width=\"17\" height=\"17\" style=\"vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/samjohnsson.dreamwidth.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\"><b>samjohnsson<\/b><\/a><\/span>, the Wonder Beta. Available on <a href=\"http:\/\/templemarker.adamao.org\/?p=584\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">adamao<\/a>, <a href=\"http:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/53693.html\" target=\"_blank\">LJ<\/a>, <a href=\"http:\/\/templemarker.dreamwidth.org\/51777.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">DW<\/a>, and <a href=\"http:\/\/archiveofourown.org\/works\/583574\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">AO3<\/a>.<br \/><br \/>***<br \/><br \/>The thing about Lana was control. She had it, and Kalinda didn't, and Lana knew it. She also knew Kalinda hated it, that lack of control, but it wasn't like it was a secret. <br \/><br \/>Kalinda wasn't sure what turned on Lana more: the idea that Kalinda would say no and Lana had to work to convince her otherwise; or the idea that Kalinda would say yes and Lana would get her satisfaction. Either way Lana ended up with that cheshire cat smile, as if whatever choice Kalinda made it pleased Lana. <br \/><br \/>Kalinda didn't like pleasing Lana. She didn't really like anything about Lana, except perhaps her body, but that came with a price. One Kalinda wasn't prepared to pay. <br \/><br \/>They had been playing this cat and mouse game for several years now; Lana tried to poach her from Stern, Lockhart & Gardner for as long as she'd been an investigator there, and Kalinda suspected she'd been on Lana's radar even before then. She was never quite sure why. Kalinda knew she was a good investigator, probably one of the top five in the city, but she wasn't the best--that credit went to a PI out in Beverly who was priced out of most wealthy people's range and only took three clients a year, he was that good. And Kalinda could think of two or three other people she would've scouted before herself to recruit into the FBI. <br \/><br \/>And that's why it came down to control. From the first moment they met, over a crime scene in Andersonville, there had been something almost tangible between them that Kalinda had done her best to deflect and that Lana had pursued with the dogged intensity of a legal stalker. They both knew how close Lana skirted with her little devotion campaign: a few too many comped meals, the sly insinuations that could be easily construed as veiled threats by unwary ears. Lana had always taken care to engage Kalinda in private meetings, where there were few wandering eyes and she could be as compromising as she wished to be. <br \/><br \/>What Kalinda didn't understand was why she let herself get into these situations. Oh, sure, she could chalk it up to the long arm of the FBI, the usefulness of having a contact that could get her the information, or the action, that she needed. But she knew, she <i>knew<\/i> that it was convenience. She called Lana because it was faster than working her contacts at the 32nd. Lana would do things for her that she couldn't get done as efficiently because Lana wanted to fuck her, and Kalinda liked playing a little too close to the fire. <br \/><br \/>Lana was fire, she was flame and ember all rolled into one unrestrained package, and every time Kalinda called her she stepped one inch closer to getting burned. <br \/><br \/>The funny thing was, this wasn't true for anyone else. Normally, Kalinda prided herself on her self-control: for everything she did, she had a reason. She thought and planned and strategized, because it was her job, because she was good at it. Because she didn't know how to work differently. There was never a hint of compromising herself for anyone else, not for Cary or the firm or even Alicia. And Kalinda knew just how much she would do, if Alicia ever asked. <br \/><br \/>But with Lana, it was as though Kalinda wanted something in herself to bend, bend under a firm hand, and she hated that. She hated that about herself, about Lana's effect on her, about their entire fucked-up not-quite-a-relationship that kept cropping up in her path. What she hated the most was the part of her that looked forward to the next time they'd meet, to the ways Lana would challenge her, press up against Kalinda's well-fortified boundaries like they were made of nothing more than paper. Run a stockinged foot up her leg and dare her to protest. <br \/><br \/>Kalinda wouldn't protest. She knew that much about herself, about herself with Lana. <br \/><br \/>The only way to protect herself and the fortress she'd made of her thoughts and secrets was to pretend like there was no assault at all. To pretend like Lana was playing a game instead of throwing a challenge into Kalinda's world. If Kalinda pretended that a kiss would satisfy Lana, if she played it like she didn't know what Lana wanted, perhaps then Kalinda would survive another encounter to return to her own private castle intact. If nothing else, it kept the road clear for another skirmish between them, another small battle where neither walked away the victor. <br \/><br \/>A kiss was nothing. It was a favor--a princess' handkerchief blowing away in the wind. Kalinda would not be won or lost on a kiss; she had given away more for far less than midnight access to a judge. A catered dinner for two pushed a little more--not neutral ground, but Lana's own front line where the battle was pitched between the table and the bed. The offer of a job was a gauntlet, a weapon aimed at her with the twin attributes of legitimacy and oversight. If she worked for law enforcement again, her skills would be government-sanctioned. She wouldn't have to go cadging for access; she'd have a badge and a piece to back up the shield. If she worked for the FBI--for Lana--she'd have all the support she needed to accomplish her tasks, with none of the accountability that came with being the only contracted investigator on staff. <br \/><br \/>Kalinda wouldn't take the fall for a case gone wrong. And Lana knew, or guessed at, just how precarious her situation was on a day-to-day basis. <br \/><br \/>No. There was no chance she'd work for Lana, under Lana, knowing the price that came with the offer. She'd be in Lana's bed as fast as she'd be under Lana's thumb, and whatever appealed to Kalinda about ceding control to the bulldozer that was Lana Delaney, it wasn't worth sacrificing her freedom. <br \/><br \/>But Kalinda had never been very good about shying away from danger, and it never hurt to have an ace up your sleeve. She'd worry about the threat Lana posed when she had something more to lose. Until then, the game was on. <br \/><a name='cutid1-end'><\/a>","comments":"https:\/\/templemarker.livejournal.com\/53693.html?view=comments#comments","category":["femslash11","kalinda\/lana","the good wife","will write for pancakes"]}]}}