My Need to Matter
I possess a fairly significant need for external validation to make me feel good and important.
I see this mostly as a fault--in myself and when it exists in other people. I think one's validation and feelings of self-worth and happiness should be internally motivated. If you can't be happy completely alone in life, then you are not truly happy.
But it's hardly a rare fault--we all know those people who do things for friends out of obligation more than because they want to do them or who live and die for a pat on the back and some token added responsibility from the boss.
On the positive side, I'm aware that it exists, and I mostly accept it. Which makes me better off than the the large majority of people who seem to be comfortable denying their own personality issues. Everyone, for example, has probably worked with that one person who always seems to be in the middle of drama and can't seem to put two and two together and realize that if they're butting heads with the entire world that they may be the root cause of the drama in the first place. Everyone has probably known at least one person who is way too invested in some crutch, like being the most crusading-est religious zealot of ever. Or going home and blacking out off liquor every night just to "relax." Or trying to become the best PTA mom ever or the most passionate little league dad because they've given up on their own life and are living vicarious through their offspring. I think if you can't sit down and honestly list "here are five things about me that are kind of shitty and I need to work on them," you're probably in for a frustrating life full of misunderstanding. I say this as someone who spent too many years with a person who did not realize how self-destructive she was--and probably still doesn't know despite blowing up multiple relationships, burning professional bridges, having fall outs with blood relatives, and ending up with a failed marriage that didn't even last three years. You probably can't erase your weaknesses, but you at least need to know and understand them.
I've taken two fairly extensive psychological evaluations in the past month for work meant to evaluate our strengths, among other things. Which is how they consider "significance"--which is their term for that need for external validation. And it was actually not near the top of my list. It was somewhere down near the middle. Which also makes sense. I feel the need to be the object of someone's affection in a relationship--for them to be passionate and have that "you're the best ever" feeling about me. And I feel the need to be recognized as brilliant and witty in general. But I've never sought approval from my parents. At some point in my life, I was probably overly concerned about approval from my friends--mostly whether they liked who I was dating. And maybe at some point I felt that hipster need to have them approve and envy my taste in movies, music, and art. But that shit hasn't really mattered to me since turning 30. And while I want to be respected at work and expect people to have a positive opinion of me--because, really, one would have to be a moron to not realize my brilliance--I'm not one of those people who needs to be recognized with awards and frankly don't like the attention that goes with something like that. I don't need or want a lot of praise. I just want to get fucking paid and have my salary increase. Title doesn't even matter to me--though I've worked with plenty of people who cared more about making title than making money.
From a strength perspective, the need for validation (or Significance), can be seen as a positive rather than a negative because people who have that need will go out of their way and work harder to earn it. On a personal level, I want to give the person I'm dating surprises--even if it's just picking up breakfast or sending a nice note. I want to give my friends and family thoughtful gifts. I want to be there on special occasions. In the work place, people who need validation will work harder out of fear of not being recognized. Again, that doesn't sound too healthy to me...I've never had a problem with people busting my balls about leaving early or taking vacation or skipping bullshit meetings. I don't care about perception in that way. But I think it's probably healthy to look at any weakness and see the strengths that come with it.
(For the record, here is how the evaluations define a person who is seeking external validation or significance: You want to be very significant in the eyes of other people. In the truest sense of the word you want to be recognized. You want to be heard. You want to stand out. You want to be known. In particular, you want to be known and appreciated for your uniqueness. You feel a need to be admired and successful. You will push people to recognize your significance--and if they do not you will move on. Your yearnings feel intense to you..............OK, that DOES sometimes sound like me professionally. If only because I get pissed if I'm told to do something someone else's way when mine is better--this happened at my last job--and I will absolutely turn off and move on if I don't feel appreciated. Though that also applies to friendships, relationships, etc...)
For the most part, though, I can not find validation through work. Or at least not on my current path. If money were no object, I could quit and do some kind of humanitarian job or research or education and make very little money and be thrilled by my work every single day...but that would require other sacrifices.
I did not grow up poor. But we were far from rich. We weren't hungry. I didn't want for anything. We usually went on a few trips a year--one was almost always to Florida, which was a short drive, and where we stayed four to a room in a Holiday Inn--not the Hilton--or an affordable condo with a kitchen so we didn't have to eat meals out. And the other would usually be a long weekend to the mountains in Georgia or Tennessee or North Carolina--where we often just camped. We did not dine out much in general. We did not buy clothes at the mall--I had the off brand sneakers that would get you teased mercilessly as a boy in school in the late 80s. We didn't go out to the movies--we rented videos at home with microwave popcorn. I didn't have a college fund.
This wasn't a bad life by any means. But it definitely shaped my priorities on how I save money and shaped my career path. I remember in high school and college when I'd go out with friends to restaurants and always look for the cheapest thing on the menu regardless of what I might have wanted because I needed to budget. And that's the position I never wanted to be in again. I recognize that some people are very happy doing something they love for less money--but most I know also struggle and have a lot of stress from finances. I did not want that for me. My savings goals and spending habits and career motivation has always been about having money to one day take care of a fictional family that I may never have, to travel extensively--because that is clearly what makes me happiest at life, to get the things I want or need, and to not have to bargain hunt ever. I don't have an absurdly expensive car, a crazy home theater system, a McMansion, or any of the other things that people care about...but I'm very content with my material possessions. And if I drop my iPod in a puddle tomorrow I can go buy a new one without thinking about it. And if I total my car I can buy a new one without worrying about a financial strain.
But there are still higher priorities in life. I have definitely made a poor choice professionally once by chasing money. And I've not made that mistake again. In recent years I've made two pretty huge career decisions that have cost me money, but made me happier because I got to be closer to friends. And, really, not moving away last year when I had the chance to make more money and maybe live some place I'd enjoy was also about being close to friends. I come from a working class family and my basic concerns in life are being happy and having plenty of time for the people I care about outside of work. It's a cliche, but nobody ever sat on their death bed going "I wish I'd spent more time at the office." And when you die, the people at work aren't going to give a shit or remember what a good job you did--the world moves on--but I have fond memories about the relatives I've had die because they were good people who made time for their family. And those don't fade.
I don't believe at all in ladder climbing at work. And that trait is common to a lot of my friends and peers from college--all of whom are smart. But, outside of the bosses at work, I know very few people in my personal life who can truly say their ambitious. Because to be the best at something you have to be willing to go in at 7 every day and leave at 7 that night. At least in every place I've ever worked. And my friends are more about getting home to their family--I've had at least 2 male friends change jobs in recent years for that reason. And countless female friends over the past decade. And as far as earning title and becoming a "manager," maybe that's something that works if you have a degree in accounting--where moving up is just doing the same job on a larger scale. Or if you have the generic business degree. But if you get a specific, professional degree in college, I think most people want to stay in that area if it's something like engineering, advertising, architecture, law, medicine, marketing, human resources, teaching, etc...and I have no aspiration to be someone who spends 10 hours a day at work bouncing from administrative meeting to administrative meeting and spends all their time doing paperwork and not actually adding any value or solving any problems. (In the engineering world there is a term for management and super-vision: non-value added. That's not a joke. All overhead costs are non-value added, you have a better product/company by eliminating and streamlining management.)
I've met a lot of people recently for whom work is the driving force in life and their sole source for validation and achievement. As a result, I've met a lot of:
I don't believe that power couples work. And I'm not saying it's impossible--there are exceptions to everything. But for a really, really successful relationship I think--I know--that you have to be willing to make sacrifices in your life and you have to put your spouse--and then your kids--above everything else. The most famous power couple in America is probably the Clintons--and that is obviously a failed marriage filled with years of infidelity. Infidelity that was alleged to still be taking place as Hillary ran for president in 2008 by the many journalists covering the campaign and noting the b-level actresses and models that traveled with Bill to his humanitarian efforts and campaign stops. Even if you look at the Obamas, Michelle was an Ivy grad and an attorney--who stopped practicing to have a family and support her husband's ambition. I could never ask someone to do that. I don't want someone to sacrifice everything for me. I want someone to sacrifice some things--and realize that I'll do the same--so we can both be happy. Even if that means I don't get to live 20 minutes from my parents or on a beach in Ecuador like I'd prefer. Because, again, I know I'd be happiest professionally dedicating my life to saving orphans or some humanitarian effort that wouldn't pay shit. But I would give that up to provide for a family.
When you ask people to guess why the divorce rate is so high, it's not the obvious answer like infidelity or someone being a jerk. Those are more effects and not causes--you behave like an asshole and/or cheat because you're unsatisfied and that manifests itself passive-aggressively. But if you look up the leading factor for divorces they always go like this:
I was talking to a couple of my best friends recently about marriage. And we were going down the list of all the people we know who are married. And his conclusion was "I have the happiest marriage I know of except a couple of them." And the common thread was that those couples are good at communication, compromise, and making the other person feel important. And in both cases the men had made career sacrifices to be able to spend more meaningful time with their wife and kids. And the women had made similar sacrifices to be mothers. I look at my parents--happily married for 40+ years--and the same thing is true. My mom gave up working for years to have kids. My dad gave up a higher paying job because it put him on the road constantly and away from home. And now, as empty nesters, they go on weekend trips at least half a dozen times a year.
Years ago I read something by David Sedaris that I believe is absolutely true. The gist was that life is comprised of four big zones--your health, your family, your friends, and your career. And you can't be good at all of them. You can be excellent in one. Or you can be very good in two. But you're going to have to put two of those on the back burner or you're going to fail at all four.
Again, if you want to look at someone like Bill Clinton, the guy has had 18 heart procedures and fucks anything in a skirt (or at least gets a hummer and stains her dress). Look at George Bush (either one) and all their fucked up kids. And the same with Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, etc....look at Barrack Obama's history of backstabbing friends and former colleagues to get ahead. Being president of the United States is an extreme example, of course. But something like 20% of Americans in executive positions are legitimately sociopaths and narcissists.
Personally, if I'm choosing, family is clearly number one to me. I remember birthdays. I want to be there for special occasions. I feel bad about not visiting more. I want to do special things for them--and that goes for being in a relationship, too. I want my partner to be the #1 priority in my life--and want to feel the same. Or at least a close #2 behind the blood relatives they've known all their life. Friends are probably second--though I'm willing to see them less or be farther away for the sake of a relationship. But history has shown that's not true for a career. Maybe it was 10 years ago, but not any more. Career and health are at the bottom for me. And it goes back and forth. I certainly wouldn't work myself to the point of a heart attack. But I would go out for drinks or a big meal with friends or family to celebrate something for them.
And I'm content with that. If you told me I would have had to choose between my job or going to my little sister's wedding, I would have told the boss to fuck off and gone. Because, ultimately, it is more important to give love and be loved--at least in my mind--than it will ever be to get a fucking employee of the month plaque and pat on the back for some meaningless project.
I see this mostly as a fault--in myself and when it exists in other people. I think one's validation and feelings of self-worth and happiness should be internally motivated. If you can't be happy completely alone in life, then you are not truly happy.
But it's hardly a rare fault--we all know those people who do things for friends out of obligation more than because they want to do them or who live and die for a pat on the back and some token added responsibility from the boss.
On the positive side, I'm aware that it exists, and I mostly accept it. Which makes me better off than the the large majority of people who seem to be comfortable denying their own personality issues. Everyone, for example, has probably worked with that one person who always seems to be in the middle of drama and can't seem to put two and two together and realize that if they're butting heads with the entire world that they may be the root cause of the drama in the first place. Everyone has probably known at least one person who is way too invested in some crutch, like being the most crusading-est religious zealot of ever. Or going home and blacking out off liquor every night just to "relax." Or trying to become the best PTA mom ever or the most passionate little league dad because they've given up on their own life and are living vicarious through their offspring. I think if you can't sit down and honestly list "here are five things about me that are kind of shitty and I need to work on them," you're probably in for a frustrating life full of misunderstanding. I say this as someone who spent too many years with a person who did not realize how self-destructive she was--and probably still doesn't know despite blowing up multiple relationships, burning professional bridges, having fall outs with blood relatives, and ending up with a failed marriage that didn't even last three years. You probably can't erase your weaknesses, but you at least need to know and understand them.
I've taken two fairly extensive psychological evaluations in the past month for work meant to evaluate our strengths, among other things. Which is how they consider "significance"--which is their term for that need for external validation. And it was actually not near the top of my list. It was somewhere down near the middle. Which also makes sense. I feel the need to be the object of someone's affection in a relationship--for them to be passionate and have that "you're the best ever" feeling about me. And I feel the need to be recognized as brilliant and witty in general. But I've never sought approval from my parents. At some point in my life, I was probably overly concerned about approval from my friends--mostly whether they liked who I was dating. And maybe at some point I felt that hipster need to have them approve and envy my taste in movies, music, and art. But that shit hasn't really mattered to me since turning 30. And while I want to be respected at work and expect people to have a positive opinion of me--because, really, one would have to be a moron to not realize my brilliance--I'm not one of those people who needs to be recognized with awards and frankly don't like the attention that goes with something like that. I don't need or want a lot of praise. I just want to get fucking paid and have my salary increase. Title doesn't even matter to me--though I've worked with plenty of people who cared more about making title than making money.
From a strength perspective, the need for validation (or Significance), can be seen as a positive rather than a negative because people who have that need will go out of their way and work harder to earn it. On a personal level, I want to give the person I'm dating surprises--even if it's just picking up breakfast or sending a nice note. I want to give my friends and family thoughtful gifts. I want to be there on special occasions. In the work place, people who need validation will work harder out of fear of not being recognized. Again, that doesn't sound too healthy to me...I've never had a problem with people busting my balls about leaving early or taking vacation or skipping bullshit meetings. I don't care about perception in that way. But I think it's probably healthy to look at any weakness and see the strengths that come with it.
(For the record, here is how the evaluations define a person who is seeking external validation or significance: You want to be very significant in the eyes of other people. In the truest sense of the word you want to be recognized. You want to be heard. You want to stand out. You want to be known. In particular, you want to be known and appreciated for your uniqueness. You feel a need to be admired and successful. You will push people to recognize your significance--and if they do not you will move on. Your yearnings feel intense to you..............OK, that DOES sometimes sound like me professionally. If only because I get pissed if I'm told to do something someone else's way when mine is better--this happened at my last job--and I will absolutely turn off and move on if I don't feel appreciated. Though that also applies to friendships, relationships, etc...)
For the most part, though, I can not find validation through work. Or at least not on my current path. If money were no object, I could quit and do some kind of humanitarian job or research or education and make very little money and be thrilled by my work every single day...but that would require other sacrifices.
I did not grow up poor. But we were far from rich. We weren't hungry. I didn't want for anything. We usually went on a few trips a year--one was almost always to Florida, which was a short drive, and where we stayed four to a room in a Holiday Inn--not the Hilton--or an affordable condo with a kitchen so we didn't have to eat meals out. And the other would usually be a long weekend to the mountains in Georgia or Tennessee or North Carolina--where we often just camped. We did not dine out much in general. We did not buy clothes at the mall--I had the off brand sneakers that would get you teased mercilessly as a boy in school in the late 80s. We didn't go out to the movies--we rented videos at home with microwave popcorn. I didn't have a college fund.
This wasn't a bad life by any means. But it definitely shaped my priorities on how I save money and shaped my career path. I remember in high school and college when I'd go out with friends to restaurants and always look for the cheapest thing on the menu regardless of what I might have wanted because I needed to budget. And that's the position I never wanted to be in again. I recognize that some people are very happy doing something they love for less money--but most I know also struggle and have a lot of stress from finances. I did not want that for me. My savings goals and spending habits and career motivation has always been about having money to one day take care of a fictional family that I may never have, to travel extensively--because that is clearly what makes me happiest at life, to get the things I want or need, and to not have to bargain hunt ever. I don't have an absurdly expensive car, a crazy home theater system, a McMansion, or any of the other things that people care about...but I'm very content with my material possessions. And if I drop my iPod in a puddle tomorrow I can go buy a new one without thinking about it. And if I total my car I can buy a new one without worrying about a financial strain.
But there are still higher priorities in life. I have definitely made a poor choice professionally once by chasing money. And I've not made that mistake again. In recent years I've made two pretty huge career decisions that have cost me money, but made me happier because I got to be closer to friends. And, really, not moving away last year when I had the chance to make more money and maybe live some place I'd enjoy was also about being close to friends. I come from a working class family and my basic concerns in life are being happy and having plenty of time for the people I care about outside of work. It's a cliche, but nobody ever sat on their death bed going "I wish I'd spent more time at the office." And when you die, the people at work aren't going to give a shit or remember what a good job you did--the world moves on--but I have fond memories about the relatives I've had die because they were good people who made time for their family. And those don't fade.
I don't believe at all in ladder climbing at work. And that trait is common to a lot of my friends and peers from college--all of whom are smart. But, outside of the bosses at work, I know very few people in my personal life who can truly say their ambitious. Because to be the best at something you have to be willing to go in at 7 every day and leave at 7 that night. At least in every place I've ever worked. And my friends are more about getting home to their family--I've had at least 2 male friends change jobs in recent years for that reason. And countless female friends over the past decade. And as far as earning title and becoming a "manager," maybe that's something that works if you have a degree in accounting--where moving up is just doing the same job on a larger scale. Or if you have the generic business degree. But if you get a specific, professional degree in college, I think most people want to stay in that area if it's something like engineering, advertising, architecture, law, medicine, marketing, human resources, teaching, etc...and I have no aspiration to be someone who spends 10 hours a day at work bouncing from administrative meeting to administrative meeting and spends all their time doing paperwork and not actually adding any value or solving any problems. (In the engineering world there is a term for management and super-vision: non-value added. That's not a joke. All overhead costs are non-value added, you have a better product/company by eliminating and streamlining management.)
I've met a lot of people recently for whom work is the driving force in life and their sole source for validation and achievement. As a result, I've met a lot of:
A) Single Women - Because career women in most cases make sacrifices in terms of family, or they intimidate career men who feel the need to be the dominant/successful one in the relationship. And in general they fail to make enough quality time in their relationship.
B) Women with Spineless Husbands - See above. Most of the driving career women I've known are married to guys who are "artists" or "in sales" (aka, retail, used car) or "food service" (baristas @ Starbucks).
C) Men Who are On Marriage #2 or #3 and who have trophy wifes whose highest ambition is to be Suzy Homemaker - Because, honestly, you never meet a type-A driven guy who is single. They can't stand to be single. So the keep getting married and those marriage fail because, again, they can't make quality time for their relationship. Think of Larry King. Or Donald Trump. Or that boss you've had--and I've had plenty--who tell stories like "yeah, it broke my daughter's heart last night that I was here instead of at her school play--I guess they think money grows on trees" (followed by wild laughter).
I don't believe that power couples work. And I'm not saying it's impossible--there are exceptions to everything. But for a really, really successful relationship I think--I know--that you have to be willing to make sacrifices in your life and you have to put your spouse--and then your kids--above everything else. The most famous power couple in America is probably the Clintons--and that is obviously a failed marriage filled with years of infidelity. Infidelity that was alleged to still be taking place as Hillary ran for president in 2008 by the many journalists covering the campaign and noting the b-level actresses and models that traveled with Bill to his humanitarian efforts and campaign stops. Even if you look at the Obamas, Michelle was an Ivy grad and an attorney--who stopped practicing to have a family and support her husband's ambition. I could never ask someone to do that. I don't want someone to sacrifice everything for me. I want someone to sacrifice some things--and realize that I'll do the same--so we can both be happy. Even if that means I don't get to live 20 minutes from my parents or on a beach in Ecuador like I'd prefer. Because, again, I know I'd be happiest professionally dedicating my life to saving orphans or some humanitarian effort that wouldn't pay shit. But I would give that up to provide for a family.
When you ask people to guess why the divorce rate is so high, it's not the obvious answer like infidelity or someone being a jerk. Those are more effects and not causes--you behave like an asshole and/or cheat because you're unsatisfied and that manifests itself passive-aggressively. But if you look up the leading factor for divorces they always go like this:
A) Money - Like I said above, sacrificing financial security leads to a lot of stress. It leads to a lot of fighting when you have to make tough decisions about where to cut costs--or even when you can't agree on savings goals.
B) Communication - At some point you have to learn to accept the shortcomings and quirks in your partner and how to discuss things without it getting heated. On top of that, you have to be able to express clearly your dedication to a relationship and your feelings about things--because if you're going off in different directions and don't realize it, eventually you'll find a gulf in between you that you can't breach. (That, by the way, is the reason one of my longest adult relationships failed...and probably my first love relationship...we wanted different things, we pursued those things separately, and then when we realized we were on different pages were angry that the other person didn't understand. I work hard now to try and communicate exactly what I'm thinking. Also, I've had an adult relationship fail because of financial strain).
C) Not Making Enough Quality Time Together -- Again, I go back to a boss I had first out of college who never made time for his daughter...which eventually led to his wife leaving him a few years later. It sounds fucking stupid. I remember the first time one of my friends was telling me she was growing apart from her boyfriend that she was living with in her early 20s. And my response was "you guys eat dinner together and sleep together and are around each other all weekend, right?" And her response was "Yeah, but it's not the same...I can't explain it but it's not." But it does make perfect sense. It doesn't have to be extravagant. But I do think mature relationships need things like Date Night. When there are kids, you have to spend time with them. And you can incorporate small, meaningful gestures...whether it's a thoughtful, surprise note for no reason, a small getaway weekend, spending time taking interest in something a spouse likes--whether it's a sporting even, a musical, or hanging out with their friends, or just sending flowers or making their favorite meal or celebrating a special day. One of the few bosses I've had who was a workaholic and did NOT have a failed marriage (though he did have a Suzy Homemaker wife) told me it worked for 20+ years because they made a pact early on--he could work 15 hours a day during the week, but she got Saturdays and Sundays--and once a month they went on a trip. Even if it was just a trip to someplace like Austin where they leave Friday after work, drive 3 hours, and spend a couple of nights eating out and relaxing before driving back on Sunday.
I was talking to a couple of my best friends recently about marriage. And we were going down the list of all the people we know who are married. And his conclusion was "I have the happiest marriage I know of except a couple of them." And the common thread was that those couples are good at communication, compromise, and making the other person feel important. And in both cases the men had made career sacrifices to be able to spend more meaningful time with their wife and kids. And the women had made similar sacrifices to be mothers. I look at my parents--happily married for 40+ years--and the same thing is true. My mom gave up working for years to have kids. My dad gave up a higher paying job because it put him on the road constantly and away from home. And now, as empty nesters, they go on weekend trips at least half a dozen times a year.
Years ago I read something by David Sedaris that I believe is absolutely true. The gist was that life is comprised of four big zones--your health, your family, your friends, and your career. And you can't be good at all of them. You can be excellent in one. Or you can be very good in two. But you're going to have to put two of those on the back burner or you're going to fail at all four.
Again, if you want to look at someone like Bill Clinton, the guy has had 18 heart procedures and fucks anything in a skirt (or at least gets a hummer and stains her dress). Look at George Bush (either one) and all their fucked up kids. And the same with Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, etc....look at Barrack Obama's history of backstabbing friends and former colleagues to get ahead. Being president of the United States is an extreme example, of course. But something like 20% of Americans in executive positions are legitimately sociopaths and narcissists.
Personally, if I'm choosing, family is clearly number one to me. I remember birthdays. I want to be there for special occasions. I feel bad about not visiting more. I want to do special things for them--and that goes for being in a relationship, too. I want my partner to be the #1 priority in my life--and want to feel the same. Or at least a close #2 behind the blood relatives they've known all their life. Friends are probably second--though I'm willing to see them less or be farther away for the sake of a relationship. But history has shown that's not true for a career. Maybe it was 10 years ago, but not any more. Career and health are at the bottom for me. And it goes back and forth. I certainly wouldn't work myself to the point of a heart attack. But I would go out for drinks or a big meal with friends or family to celebrate something for them.
And I'm content with that. If you told me I would have had to choose between my job or going to my little sister's wedding, I would have told the boss to fuck off and gone. Because, ultimately, it is more important to give love and be loved--at least in my mind--than it will ever be to get a fucking employee of the month plaque and pat on the back for some meaningless project.